#this episode was a fever dream but that was just the cake topper

[wackachewbacca]

FCG overcoming their past trauma by killing a really shitty bird who may also be a pre-calamity construct sent to hunt them down is poetic in some ways but also what in the seven hells did I just watch

[lovedinapastlife]

3x12 “Bizarrodale” - Riverdale Reaction

Not gonna lie, I was kinda hoping from the title that this episode would have things like terrifying Jughead with a giant carving knife from outtakes of the fever-dream sequence of season one. Or floating babies. What we got was a generally cohesive plot with the minor characters. So like...I’ll take it? 

Let’s see some “inspired lunacy,” Riverdale!

“I’ll check my calendar, Sierra” — OOOOOH BURN. They didn’t even tell you the day, Marcus.

Hermione has no investment in procreations now that she’s not getting laid. DO IT YOURSELF is her new go-to response.

Who is this smug bug for finding Kevin and Moose in some random room making out? You want a gold star? A pat on the butt?

Oooof, Josie! Using ‘em and losin’ ‘em while wearing cute clothes! Sweet Pea wants something steady now that he can’t play G&G with his boyfriends on the regular.

Twice-widowed?! Did I miss something??? Maybe there’s a deleted scene of Penelope marrying Tall Boy. Or Malachai (who could be dead for all he’s been in this season). Or Claudius? That seems extra shady.

Is Tom just unemployed and Sierra’s sex bunny now? Because that’s weirdly adorable. Also if people could get more beds in this town so I’m not horrified wondering if it’s the same place Bughead has canoodled that would be great.

So…the main reason Kevin doesn’t want to break up with Moose is because…he doesn’t wanna cruise in the forest? Too much effort to get laid? This episode is not doing their relationship any favors for me, even if they’re both attractive young men. It’s like Kevin has to convince himself he even likes Moose outside of his enormous appendage.

Anyone else get chills when Cheryl reached out to touch Kevin’s hand? I was fairly certain she was going to set him on fire. Maybe that’s just me worrying about Cheryl in general. Let the former fat kid stress-eat!

Did they run out of costumes? Why is that one kid in full ROTC uniform and nobody else is? XD I get it. The metaphorical “divide” between Moose’s dad and their relationship but wow. That hat stands out in a classroom.

Cheryl getting excited for their first fight and then quickly crumbling into pleading is so…sad? I feel like Toni could probably manipulate her really horribly. Or for the better. Um. We’ll see. I’m not holding my breath.

Josie can’t drive? She ran her own band, her mom was mayor, dad’s a jazz star, but no car? No driver’s license? Shoulda taken advantage when she was dating Reggie to get a great deal on a ride! I know the pictured scene is later, but Archie is just so excited to be someone’s date and play music again that I wanted it up here.

Also it’s been 15 minutes without Bughead and I am physically in pain.

Oh good. Veronica finds robbing banks impractical, but she’s all about encouraging “inspired lunacy.” I think that’s how the show would describe itself.

The bad parents club is at it again.

“50 Shades of Blackmail” - the Choni spinoff

“I can’t believe I was shot…” — Reggie, unaware of what happened to Veronica’s “exes.” Honestly, seems like he got let off easy.

Archie - mauled by a bear, branded, buried alive

Nick St. Claire - “Car accident,” multiple ass-kickings

Now THAT’S what I call “dirty money!”

Okay I liked the throwback to the beginning of this season when Kevin surprised Moose with locker kisses

I don’t know how to feel about Choni cheating their way into a broken system. I like their outfits? I don’t care?

Ohhhhh Gladys. “More teenagers.” You and me, both. If only drug dealings could be kept between adults. I’m so annoyed with these people! Stop being involved in shade! Clearly you’re boss bitches and can manage an actual legit business instead of “borrowing” fancy cars and laundering dirty money with a bunch of rowdy teens and gang members. SET AN EXAMPLE, LADIES

Ha. Throwback to the Midnight Club entering through the window is kinda hilarious. What is with this poison-drinking nonsense? Again?!

OH MY GOD they’re setting it up for “jealous” Mason man to be the Gargoyle King. Yep. He is. Okay then.

30 minutes in, I get my shot. I’m crying. The hair. The beauty. I can’t handle it. DON’T STOP. My Bughead heart needs this! They are so lovely! Someone light their face and silence all the phones, k thanks.

Why does Kevin presume Betty would infringe on bunker boinking? She’s probably the one who came up with the damn schedule!

They look so damn satisfied. Can no one have peaceful pillow talk in this town?

What is with all this “gay=weakness” nonsense? Love is love. Sit down, ignorant, self-hating villains.

I squealed when I heard Jughead’s voice and saw him come in. Oh man. And now my heart is broken. Because the Jones girls are faking it. And Jughead’s gonna get his heart broken. NOOOOOO! I knew it the second JB hugged FP.

Good call Sierra and Kevin just keeping a giant cake for themselves with that bizarro topper. Was he sunk into the cake? On his knees? What are you two up to?

Goodbye, Moose! Bon voyage! Kevin seemed proud of him being out but sad he loses another boyfriend to crime in Riverdale.

It’s like this episode wants to highlight all the minors having reasons to cry. Ironically, Reggie was SHOT and was the least teary.

Oh, really?! A new gang/FAMILY? Of strangers?! In leather?! We need more aesthetic options in this damn town. The Pretty Poisons. My guess is if they can get the rights, Cheryl and Toni are gonna dress up as Harley and Ivy. Because they already dressed up like Catwoman.

I’m sorry, Archie and Josie, I can’t hear your duet over the sound of my heart breaking.

I don’t know, was anyone excited about Archie OR Josie dating someone new? Y’all need some time to work on yourselves. Revisit this after some therapy. Time is good. Look what it did for Tom and Sierra. I can’t imagine Julliard is much for aspiring pop stars anyway, but what do I know? She’s about to go to her own spinoff so I’m not emotionally invested.

I don’t know when I’ll get to see my darlings get the short end of the stick again. Oh well. Time for fanfiction, I suppose. Every time I think we’re thinning the ensemble they just swoop in with more. Fingers crossed our favs get to finish spectacularly next time ;)