#this drawing had me in a chokehold for like 4 days it took me SO LONG | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

bakudanma · 7 months ago

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Thank you for the tag Koi <2 (in no particular order)

1. One Direction: I love this band so much, I know their entire discography by heart and I love love learning and explaining what my mum calls "useless facts" about the group and the fandom!!

2. Toilet Bound Hanako-Kun: omg I love TBHK and can talk about it all the time. It's also the longest fixation I've had and it has come back from being dormant to consume my brain. Even though I avoid the fandom (apart from my beloved mutual koko and my irl friend) like the plague it's just such a beloved media,, and the art!!! I love Aida's art so much and the way she draws hands just *incomprehensible noises* also I recently did a presentation night with some of my friends and did a last minute presentation on TBHK that would have gone on for 2+ hours if they didn't stop me lol

3. Webtoons + Manhwas: as an old webtoon user (been reading webtoon since 2017/2018) I have a love hate relationship with the platform as it's brought a lot of fun and enjoyment (and poor grades rip) for me over the years. I also grouped manhwas into this category since the majority of the webtoons I read are technically manhwas since they were made in Korea. Anyways I can rant a lot about the webtoons/manhwas writing, the fanbase being overall not the best and being extremely ship focused, some of the controversies and how shit the platform is all day

4. How I Met Your Mother: ok so I watched the show nonstop during the pandemic and was obsessed with it (Let's Go to the Mall and Nothin' Suits Me Like A Suit were my top songs in 2020) despite it being extremely outdated and problematic (lots of transphobia and misogyny) I still enjoy the main themes of the show. Also I can talk about how the show really is about Ted and the gang growing to become the decent people they are in the future and the journey it took to get them there and the whole amatonormative storyline that Ted has with love being the answer to all his problems and the soulmates/finding the "one" premise of the show

5. Boys Planet: ...yea I watched that, after seeing Ricky's introduction video it was all over for me. I had to download twitter to keep up with the show, started asking random classmates to vote for Ricky and Zhang Hao and watched the episodes live during class so yea that show had a chokehold on me and I will be exploiting that (I still have some Ricky propaganda in my gallery and some embarrassing texts from friends about it TT) but I specifically focus on the "dark side" of the show aka the exploitation and the fact that many global trainees were given the short end of the stick (not being prepared, given last minute songs, got sick with COVID demoting them to zero/one stars, being harshly graded on their Korean, etc) or how many of the contestants were sexualized, how trainees were evil edited or just edited to not get any screentime and a lot more

I could also probably talk about Dark Moon: The Blood Altar, taskmaster and Alien Stage but yea

Tagging: @thatonesongyouretryingtoremember, @buck-yyyy, @kokocae, @byler-is-endgame7 and anyone else who wants to join!!

tagged by mina to post about 5 things i can rant about for like an hour without prep :) ty mina <3 @jewishdainix

umm 1. succession that show has eaten me up i type this sitting snugly in its belly. and im not even the only one here im one among hundreds. anyway show of all time about capitalism and the horror of the family i could probably talk about shiv alone for an hour. normalgirl

2. jane austennn i have such a love hate relationship with these books they're the first books i truly fell in love with and i hate what theyve done for societys idealization of the victorian period. she wasn't as subversive as ppl paint her out to be; then again, it wasn't her goal to be so. she occupied a sally rooney esque spot where the goal was to portray social horrors and pleasures with wit; of course romance was a big part of that. anyway northanger abbey best novel ever. not really

3. the magnus archives um actually this post is getting too long. bye

4. realm of the elderlings specifically kennit ludluck. i could talk about this character forever well of course i know him he's me. stories that help you come to terms with the horrific things you've done, that portray victimhood and abuse and colonization so so well, that knows how to humanize (or rather personify bc i think human is a biological category rather than like a measurement of goodness but ykwim) the structures that prop up enable and even reward certain horrors..........."he knew the difference between a grown woman and a small boy well enough" you will always be famous. what a villain!

5. olivia rodrigo. yeah i have nothing to say about this i just spend inordinate amounts of time listening to her music and i have THOUGHTS on the music videos the art the tour etc etc. miss rodrigo i would be such a competent good personal assistant plz hire me

umm tagging anyone who wants to just say i tagged you<3 and also @mircallaruthven @captainahabgf @bejeweledmp3 @tiredguyswag @theatredelabsurde @lyinginthesnow <3

#tag game #always fun to participate in these #long post

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capricornus-rex · 4 years ago

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Someone Left to Save (8)

Cal Kestis x Reader

Requested by Anon

Summary: The Mantis crew arrives to the capital of Ulfin, in the planet of Pevera, under siege. They meet the local rebel cell spearheaded by the former Republic admiral, Jax Beneb, who seeks to destroy the Empire’s occupation that was aggressively imposed upon while exploiting the planet of its natural resources. A plan is devised to destroy the Imperial’s main base of operations—as well as their influence—in the planet; however, it was a do-or-die mission that you and Cal had gotten yourselves caught in.

A/N: My computer just died on me twice now. Whatever bullshit it’s trying to do, it’s not helping my anxiety at all lmao I’m just outliving its usefulness until it actually dies for good... that is until I get a new SSD and HDD.

Tags: Force-Sensitive! Reader, Inquisitor! Reader, Jedi! Reader, Fake Death, Jedi turned Inquisitor, Seduction to the Dark Side, Turn to the Dark Side, The Dark Side of the Force, Aftermath of Torture, Torture, Psychological Torture, Redemption Arc! Reader, Possible Redemption, Premonitions

Also in AO3

Chapters: 1 – 2 – 3 – 4 – 5 – 6 | Previous: Part 7 | Next: Part 9 | Masterlist

8 of ?

“Hey, get up! It’s time for your daily exercise,” a Stormtrooper grumbled on the other side of the ray-shielded prison cell.

You sit there inside—eyes closed, in a meditation position on your knees, hands on top of them. Purposefully ignoring the guards, they tagged you as stubborn, dismissive, and ignorant. They can’t comprehend how you’re perfectly unmoved by the shouting and the banging of their weapons against the walls to draw your attention.

You can hear them, alright. You just chose not to listen.

A lie. Your mind spoke.

Ever since they saw your display against the Second Brother, the so-called “daily exercise” is a kind word they used for the gladiatorial training they throw you into. Everyday, they’d force you out of your cell—which, ironically, is the safest place you could ever be in this predicament—and each time you resisted, a strike on the head or the first body part they see is what you get in return. Once in the dojo, you face a wave of enemies; at first it was a batch of Scout Troopers—they were quite easy to fight—next they started mixing it up with Scout and Purge Troopers, and eventually they used Purge Troopers for your duels, the latter persisted for the rest of your days in the prison.

Sometimes no one knows who is whose training dummies—regardless, the fights went on and the Purge Troopers treated it like a breath of fresh air every time.

“HEY!” the Stormtrooper, impatient of your unresponsiveness, punched the wall at you. Your reaction defeated its purpose. “Do you hear me?! I said stand up!”

“Hey, don’t cause such a ruckus. It’s just one kid,”

“Are Jedi always this stubborn?”

The second Stormtrooper made an incoherent, indifferent grumble as he shrugged his shoulders, wanting to end the small talk and just wait until your budged. When there was nothing but silence, spare the muttering complaints of the guards in the midst of the silence, you relished the peace again.

“Well, finally,” you quietly tell yourself and hung your head down.

There were worse things to worry about.

Visions revolving in hate, anger, and even death—these were the images that you cannot purge from your mind. Not even the purification of meditating proved to be of any help. Something was clouding your mind in the Force and bent them to their malignant will.

Much later, the ray shield died down at the push of a button. The same, irate Stormtrooper enters your cell, but you remained still as a stone. His boot harshly bumps into your knee.

“Hey,” he nudged. “Stand up!”

Nothing.

Again, he kicked your knee, hard enough for it to bruise in a few minutes.

When he’s had about enough, he kicked you in the stomach—he made it precise for the tip of his boot to rupture your gut. As you were weak—which he took advantage of—you curled up, hugging yourself with your arms coiled around your torso, you writhed in pain while supporting your entire weight with one hand planted on the floor.

“Don’t make me hit you again—though I wouldn’t even need a reason!“ he snarled.

You sharply, nasally inhaled; fingernails scratching against the dirty metal floor of the cell as you wait out for the pain to alleviate. Your eyes flicked open and your head jerked up, shooting the Stormtrooper an unwelcoming, hateful look in the eye—he didn’t want to admit it, but he flinched when he saw your bloodshot eyes: dark circles framing it, and the linings swelling in a burning pink hue.

“Come on, Jedi, we got a long ahead of—”

A soft rumble in the air hummed around the cell. Apathetic eyes stared at the Stormtrooper, watching him gag, desperately gasp for air through the barely-breathable helmet, and claw at his neck. He submitted to his knees, in the same level as you sitting down leisurely in the middle of the room, and it’s as though you two saw eye-to-eye—through that black tinted visor, he catches an arrogant smirk curling at the corner of your mouth, and he realizes too late that he’s crossed you.

You were neither a Jedi nor an Inquisitor. For now, you were something in between. Your madness is basically limbo.

You slowly raise your hand, your fingers are curled in a chokehold but there was still a gap around them, though it didn’t stay that long because with an abrupt closing motion of the hand—a popping sound came from the Stormtrooper, his head had twisted to an abnormal angle, and then his corpse made a loud thud that alarmed his companion.

“Hey, what’s going on over th—?”

Horrified, the Stormtrooper choked on the last words of his sentence. He stood there frozen in the hallway, contemplating whether to step inside to pull the dead Stormtrooper out of the cell; his course of action was to contact the maintenance assigned to the prison block to get you. The crew was equally afraid of you, but since they know in themselves that they’ve never crossed you, they’ve got nothing to fear—although it’s the way you look at people is what scares them, it’s rather more of an upward glare than a look.

Minutes later, the Second Brother strolls into the prison block as if it was some kind of leisurely pastime. At his command, the ray-shield disappeared and he let himself in your cell.

“Hello, little thorn, can’t be late for your daily exercise,”

“Says who?”

“Says me, the Seventh Sister, the Fifth Brother, and the Grand Inquisitor,”

“I’ve never seen the Grand Inquisitor. Though, none of you have autonomy over me.”

The Second Brother stood still for a brief second, his shoulders rose as he took in a big sigh. The hand behind his back hoisted to his helmet, the duraplast clicked and the mechanisms of the mask hissed as it loosened up. This was your first time seeing the bare face of the Inquisitor.

A human male, his fair skin was an open book written with scars and bruises—a few of which were by your own hand during the exercises—a pair of brown irises twinkled but you detect the apathy in them—the expression in them was a dramatic contrast to what you imagined him to be without that mask. He seems to be growing out his shaven head, there was a short yet noticeable length of hair. From his complexion, you wagered he’d be in his thirties. He bent down while keeping his helmet in one hand and tried to parlay with you in getting out of your cell.

“While you sit in these sorry walls, we have perfect autonomy over you,” he raises his free hand, a single finger extended. For each word or two, he poked your forehead to make sure you got the point. “No matter what you think.”

“You’re still not going to make me,”

He did a series of facial expressions to highlight his mock pensiveness: rolling his eyes, bobbing his head as he made a squeaking noise with his tongue against his teeth.

“Well, we don’t have the time to be very difficult, little thorn,” he clicked. “Unless, of course, we can ask your sweet Cal Kestis to make some arrange—!”

In the blink of an eye, you repeated the same action with the Second Brother, only this time you’re using two hands to choke him using the Force. They’ve exploited your mind by using Cal and whatever predicate they can come up with to trigger you—and they loved it when you’re easily stimulated by the mere mention of his name.

They’ve fashioned you into their personal time bomb and plaything altogether, saying the “magic word” to make a puppet of you and your emotions.

“Provoke me again with his name and what you plan to do with him—it’s your neck I’m snapping next!” you angrily growled.

The Second Brother tried to fight your chokehold, but he did it with more grace and dignity that he can afford. It was never your intention to instill fear, but your aggression is what cements it to everyone in this fortress. You expected him to gag, but you heard hints of snickering while he claws at his neck; regardless, you continued choking him.

A few more minutes lapsed before you decided to let him go out of your own volition. He coughed as he fell lower to your level, you’re practically looking down on him right now as he catches his breath.

Look how pathetic… you thought.

Over the Second Brother’s shoulder, you spotted the Fifth Brother standing in front of the door, unamused and grumbling like a freighter’s engine. You shot him the same bitter look you gave to the Stormtrooper and the Second Brother.

“One last time, [Y/N], I personally don’t like repeating myself—or anyone else, for that matter.”

The Second Brother regained his composure, dusted off his armor, and stood by. When you didn’t obey the Fifth Brother, he took matters to his own hands—literally. Shoving past the Second Brother, the other Inquisitor dragged you out of your cell.

“Get up and follow.”

The Second Brother hooked his arm around yours and followed the Fifth Brother.

“Where are you taking me?”

“No questions. Just follow.”

They escorted you to the dojo again. Waiting at the center of the room is the Seventh Sister, this time she wasn’t wielding an electrobaton, she was holding her own red haloed saber. The Second Brother shoved you away to face her; she raises her hand, in it was a weapon and she tossed it to you.

Your fingers trembled, you reluctantly wrapped them around the hilt. The steely coldness eventually warmed up around your palm. The glossy, dark grey finish distorted your reflection when you held it level to your face. The female Inquisitor stepped back—so did her two other companions—and ignited her saber. Your heart dropped to your feet when you heard two more buzz in succession. All of a sudden, your knees felt wobbly, you spun around, looking at the crimson rods of light glowering over their sinister faces.

“Go on and fight us,” the Seventh Sister initiated.

She didn’t want to hear anything from you. She immediately put herself in a stance, and then the two other followed. Having no choice, you did the same—one push of a button ignited a single beam, until you spotted the second switch and the latter half emitted out of its cylinder.

The three of them ganged up on you, but it was the Second Brother and Sixth Sister who were more aggressive with you. The Fifth Brother fought with great calculation and precision, conserving his strength for the next attack only to overwhelm you while assisting the other two. Lost in the thrill of the fight, the same burst of energy returned to you.

It was addictive. You didn’t know it was poisonous, and yet you kept on using it to your advantage. You know it to be wrong, but you cannot will yourself to break away from it. Like a leech, you’ve bitten into it.

And you liked it.

“Raaarrgh!!” the Seventh Sister roared as she swings down her saber.

You deflected the two with both ends of your given saber and pushed them back. You recompose yourself into a much more proper stance, then fixate on the Seventh Sister; you’re able to match her strength—if not her caliber—and equal your odds in this duel. However, you still have the Second Brother to deal with.

“Whoa, look at her go, Sister!!” the Second Brother cackled.

The Seventh Sister comes charging right towards you, but she was blocked at the last second, and before she could even pull away to afford an attack—you planted your sole of your shoe flat onto your stomach. She staggered and clutched her torso with one hand; quickly, you turn your attention to the Second Brother, who was evidently much feistier than Seventh Sister. He took most of your time—a pair of dual-ended sabers cutting through the air, their lights curving as they’re swung by the wielders, and sparks flew to light up the rest of the room.

“I guess the tough girl is back now, huh, little thorn!? Cal Kestis would be so impressed! You could practically kill him for abandoning you!”

That did it. Relying again once more on that intoxicating energy that granted you the strength of five Jedi Masters at best, a massive push of the Force sent everyone flying—even the hulking, six-feet-or-so Fifth Brother wasn’t spared by that immense wave of energy!

Only you remained standing in the circle, you looked around—there were so many targets to choose from! You had a vendetta for each one of them. You strode towards the one who gave out the taunt first—the Second Brother—while he was still shaking off the nausea, he reacted at the last minute and lousily deflected your hits.

Left end, right end… they all flung to his direction and he could not keep up with the speed of your wielding while suppressed of fighting space. He could only block you for so long.

When you sensed his sword arm becoming weak, his jawbone met the hard sole of your shoe and rendered him incapacitated. Next was the Seventh Sister, she was just about to hoist herself up back on her feet until she saw you sprinting toward her—she had time, albeit little of it, to evade you but your sabers still clashed. She kept up with your pace—all the twirls and flashy footwork, she matched it all—but she was overwhelmed by how heavy your attacks dealt. You bore your weight on her as she deflected you and never has she ever felt so intimidated in all her life! Your eyes—now devoid of empathy and flooded with rage—blended perfectly with the redness of the saber. You were satisfied when you saw the Seventh Sister struggling, it’s plastered all over her face!

“Oh, look at you, the shrewd sister is overtaken,” you taunted, basically parroting the Second Brother’s trademark singsong. “By a damn prisoner! Hah! How does it feel to have your pride stabbed right into its gut, huh?”

Before she could even react and respond, you staggered the female Mirialan again and this time she stayed down—your fist to her cheek made sure of it. The third and final enemy: the Fifth Brother. It was brawn against brains. Strength versus dexterity. After all, what good is brute strength if you can’t even utilize it efficiently?

“Come on, big guy—I’m wide open!”

The Fifth Brother wasn’t a fan of being taunted. He charges on like a deranged Reek, his saber brandished up in the air, ready for an overhead strike but you slipped away in the blink of an eye and slashed him from behind. All three of them exchanged glances with one another and then nodded in agreement, as if they’ve had a Plan Z all along; three Inquisitors come charging towards you, but before they could lay a finger on your hair, you planted your fist hard into the tiled floor—your knuckles swelled and then bled the same time the tiles cracked.

At first, the cracks stayed only within the radius of your fist, until they multiplied and spread. From thin crosshairs to actual breakages along the surface, the marble broke into shards and was sent flying with the current of the Force energy that sourced from your punch—like seashells tugged by the waves as they’re beached to the shoreline. The shards cut through the Seventh Sister and Fifth Brother’s cheeks, they had to shield themselves with their hands—consequentially getting their palms and fingers nicked as well.

It was too strong for them to fight, rendering you untouchable until the wind died down. The loaned lightsaber which you used so skillfully fell from your grasp and clattered to the floor.

Silence. Soft, tired gasping of air. And then a single, slow series of applause followed.

Everyone searched for the applauder.

The Grand Inquisitor.

He was hauntingly terrifying, alright. Ashen as bone, blood-red streaks painted on parts of his face, and a pair of topaz-gold eyes. He walked past the felled Inquisitors and stood in front of you—his height obviously lumbered over you that you had to step back to fully acknowledge him and look him in the eyes without breaking your back.

“Well, well,” he cooed, bringing his hands behind his back. “It seems that we have a new face among us.”

You panted one last time, and used the Force to bring the haloed saber back to your hand. You poised your demeanor in front of the Pau’an, and with a dark, sinister grace—you bend your knee, the black, weathered saber is presented in your hand to the Grand Inquisitor. A smirk curled along his ribbed skin, showing a corner of his jagged, pointed teeth.

“Welcome to the fray, Twelfth Sister.”

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madlori · 5 years ago

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Unveiled - Chapter 2

Chapter 1 Chapter 2 Chapter 3 Chapter 4 Chapter 5 Chapter 6 Chapter 7 Chapter 8 Chapter 9 Chapter 10 Chapter 11 Chapter 12 Chapter 13 Epilogue

by MadLori Word Count: 2800 Fandom: Men’s Hockey RPF Pairing: Sidney Crosby/Evgeni Malkin Rating: NC-17 (like, heed this, please) Tags: Arranged Marriage, Modern Royalty AU, Mpreg, Not Omegaverse, No Consent Issues, Veiled Sex, Weird Traditions, Don’t Think Too Hard, Handwavey Biology

Read it on AO3

No sex in this chapter, sorry. Next time!

-----

The Duke and Duchess of New Scotland arrived at Zhenya’s drawing room at the arranged time, the day after the wedding. Zhenya shook their hands and invited them to sit in what Sasha called the “conversation area.” Tea was ordered, and Zhenya tried to look as responsible and respectable as he could for these people who had just entrusted their son to him. He watched them as the footman served their tea, trying not to be too obvious about searching for clues to his consort’s appearance in their faces. They were both perfectly nice-looking people. The Duke seemed athletic, the Duchess was well turned-out.

“I’m so glad to finally have the chance to talk with you,” Zhenya said. They had met, just long enough to shake hands, when they’d arrived, but no more than that.

“So are we, Your Royal Highness,” the Duke said.

“Please. Call me Zhenya.”

“We would have been glad to meet with you before the wedding,” the Duchess said.

Zhenya shifted in his chair. “I’m new to embargoes, but I was advised that given how little time you have with your son before his marriage, such intrusion on my part wasn’t -- polite?”

The Duchess nodded, looking a little sad. “We appreciated having those days with him.”

“Has he has been pleased with his stay here so far?” Zhenya asked, cautiously.

“Oh yes,” the Duchess said. “It’s so much grander here than at home. New Scotland is a modest dukedom.”

“Ah, but grander doesn’t always mean better.”

“That is so. But everyone has been very welcoming.”

“I hope he wasn’t frightened, coming so far to a strange place.”

“I think you’ll find that not much frightens our son,” the Duchess said, pride beaming from her face.

“I look forward to the chance to learn about him. As long as the embargo is in place, I will have to rely on third party accounts, and even those are frowned upon.”

The Duke nodded. “He is prepared for the realities.”

Zhenya shifted. “When my parents began their search for a consort for me, I made it very clear that I would not accept a spouse who had been coerced, or who accepted marriage to me under duress. My father has assured me that he did not. I will ask you to make me the same assurance.”

They both looked shocked at the very idea of their son having been forced. “Oh, not at all,” the Duchess said. “Our son has ambitions to help others and be an active part of a responsible government, and given our relatively modest position, his best chance was to marry into such a situation. He had a number of offers, and he found your parents’ proposition appealing, so he accepted.”

“He had many offers?”

There was the pride again on the Duchess’s face. “Our son is very…” she began, but then the Duke put a gentle hand on her arm and she stopped.

“He has long been considered a very desirable prospect,” the Duke finished.

Zhenya nodded. “It seems I have gotten the better end of our arrangement.”

“Oh no, sir. We did our homework, and so did our son. We all felt that you were an honorable man, kind-hearted. So far, nothing here has made us think we were mistaken.” She leaned in a little, as if sharing a secret. “Our guards and valets have talked to the palace staff -- we know that’s the way to find out the truth. They all speak highly of you.”

“That’s very gratifying to hear,” Zhenya said. “We are committed to treating our staff fairly and respectfully.”

The Duchess winked at him. “I would be lying if I didn’t say that our son found your height and your, uh, general form to be pleasing.”

Zhenya felt absurdly fluttery to hear that his consort found him attractive. “As I’m sure I will his,” he said, thinking back to the one part of his consort’s body that he had seen. If that were any indication, “pleasing” would be a wild understatement. “I am conscious of what it must mean to you to deliver your son to a stranger for marriage, and to leave him, and hopefully your grandchild, in the care of others. I will do my best to deserve his trust,” he said, hoping they could hear the sincerity in his voice. “And yours.”

----------

“So you think it took?” was Sasha’s first question when Zhenya met him at the stables for their lunchtime ride. “The consummation, I mean.”

“How am I supposed to know that?”

“Don’t you have a divine intuition or something?”

“Don’t be ridiculous.”

“Well, so far I’d say you got lucky. That guy’s got the juiciest ass I’ve ever seen.”

“That’s my husband you’re talking about, fucker.”

“Like you didn’t notice. You had a half-chub going the second you laid eyes on it.”

“You like women.”

“That doesn’t make me blind.”

“I’m trying not to objectify him.”

“Isn’t that the whole point of embargo?”

“Not to me.” Zhenya hesitated. “What do you know about the offers he had, other than mine?”

“Just what I hear, you know, round the lamppost.”

“Which is?”

“Apparently there was some oil billionaire from Texas who was very keen. Kept sending him cars and horses and such. One of his guards told me that the guy came to visit twice, and the second time, he got his hand on the consort’s ass one time too many and ended up in a chokehold.”

“The guards put him in a chokehold?”

Sasha grinned. “Your consort did.”

“Oh,” Zhenya said, blinking. “So he could have married very well without having to go through an embargo.”

“Yeah, seems like. You weren’t the only crown royal, either. Word around the campfire is that Princess Amaruq made him an offer.”

“He was accepting offers from women?”

“According to one of the Duchess’s maids, he prefers men but was willing to consider women. Amaruq’s lovely, and she’s really sporty, which apparently he likes.”

“Maybe he just didn’t want to live in Fairbanks.”

Sasha was eyeing him. “Why all these questions?”

“Just...his mother was talking about how he’d had a lot of offers, and she started to say something like ‘Our son is very…’ and then the Duke cut her off.”

Sasha gave him a dry look. “Sounds like your consort’s a snack.”

“You think?”

“Well, what else was she about to say, other than he’s very attractive? Do you think he had a lot of offers because he was very well-read or very punctual?”

“Some people value punctuality.”

“Yeah, but the Duke wouldn’t have stopped her from saying that.”

“Well, no matter what, I won’t find out for at least three months, so there’s no use wondering. There’s more to a marriage than that.”

Sasha shrugged. “Doesn’t hurt, though.”

They rode out on their usual route, out around the lake and through the orchards, skirting the gardens behind the palace as they returned. Zhenya’s hat flew off and he drew his horse up short, handing the reins to Sasha and hopping off to run back and retrieve it. “Zhenya,” Sasha muttered, jerking his head toward the garden.

He looked and saw his consort walking in the garden with his guards, five of them. One walked abreast and seemed to be talking to him, then two in front, two behind. The guard walking alongside wore extra decoration on his uniform; must be the captain, Zhenya thought. Now that the wedding was over, the consort was wearing less elaborate daily-wear veils; they fell only to mid-thigh, flowing over his face and torso. Zhenya could discern nothing of his face or body. Zhenya recognized three of the guards from the ceremony yesterday. The captain had been inside the bonding chamber, and two of the others had been outside. The other two were new to him -- of course, he thought, they can’t all be on duty at once. He must have a rotation. One was a strong-looking woman with a blond ponytail, the other was a square, bow-legged man with one of the handsomest faces Zhenya had ever seen. If he’d met him in a club, he’d have sidled on up and tried to find out which way he swung, for certain.

Zhenya looked away and chastised himself. He was a married man; he shouldn't be ogling his husband’s good-looking guards.

When he looked again, the head guard was watching him and directing the consort’s attention to where Zhenya and Sasha were, on the far side of the garden. Caught off-guard, Zhenya lifted his hand in a lame little wave; the consort inclined his head in acknowledgment. The group kept moving and were soon out of sight.

“Wow,” Sasha said. “I’m going to report you for violating embargo with that embarrassing display of excess.”

Zhenya rolled his eyes. “Just trying to be civil.”

---------

Soon after returning to his office, Zhenya’s private secretary, Alex, poked his head in. “Sir, the head of the consort’s guard wishes to speak with you. Shall I tell him to make an appointment?”

“No, I have time. Please show him in.” Zhenya got up and straightened his waistcoat, overcome with the desire to impress this man. Which was ridiculous -- he was the crown Prince -- but it couldn’t be denied.

The guard entered, hat under his arm, and saluted him smartly. “Your Royal Highness,” he said. It was the same man he’d seen earlier with the consort, who he’d deduced to be the captain. He was slender and handsome in a sharp-featured way. All the men in the guard seemed to be handsome. Zhenya wondered if that was by design.

“Please, come in, have a seat.”

The guard looked like he might prefer to stand, but after a brief hesitation he moved to the chair Zhenya indicated and perched ramrod-straight on the edge. “Thank you for seeing me, sir. My name is Fleury, I am the captain of His Highness’s guard. I thought it appropriate that we should meet.”

“I agree, Captain Fleury. I would have sent for you myself, but I didn’t think it my place.”

“Correct.”

Zhenya blinked. “That’s not what I expected you to say.”

Fleury smiled; Zhenya detected a mischievous twinkle in the man’s eye. “That’s one of the things I wanted to talk about. It’s already come up a few times so I thought I ought to make sure everyone here is aware that my guards and I do not work for you or the Palace. We work for His Highness, and we answer to nobody else. Our loyalty and obedience are to him and him alone.”

Zhenya nodded. This was, indeed, a good point to clarify. “Understood, Captain. I will make this clear to all the Palace staff, including my own guards.”

“Once the embargo is lifted, His Highness will be under the protection of your guard just as you are and our jobs will be complete, but until that time, he is our responsibility.”

“Thank you for taking that responsibility seriously.”

“I take it very seriously.” Fleury cleared his throat. “Maybe I shouldn’t say this, but His Highness and I are longtime friends and he is very dear to me, and to my guards. So we take his safety and well-being personally.”

“Good.” Zhenya held the man’s gaze. He did not acknowledge the implied threat to himself in that statement but he heard it clearly, and Fleury obviously knew that he’d heard it clearly. They understood each other.

Fleury gave a little nod, as if to close the topic. “Okay. Onto the practical stuff.” He pulled out a notebook and a pen. Zhenya half-wished he had the same; he felt like he ought to be taking notes. “His Highness wants to know what time of day you prefer for sex.”

Zhenya blinked. He hadn’t expected such frankness, but it was a relief to hear it. “Um...I hadn’t really thought about it.”

“He likes to maintain a routine, if that’s okay with you.”

“If he prefers that, I’m happy to go along.” He thought for a moment. “Would midafternoon suit him? Evenings are so often taken up with state functions, and I am usually tired afterwards.”

Fleury smiled, and Zhenya sensed that he’d passed some kind of unannounced test. “That sounds good. Let’s set a daily appointment at 3:00 pm, with a confirmation by messenger at 2:30 and an option to postpone, but no later than 4:00 pm.”

Zhenya nodded. “Your master is very organized.”

Fleury chuckled quietly. “Oh, you’re going to find out.” He looked up at him. “He also wanted me to tell you that he really appreciated your gesture at the consummation, when you asked him for consent? It surprised him and put him at ease.”

“I’m glad to hear that. It was important to me and continues to be.”

“He thought so. So he’s got an idea for that, going forward. For -- intimate moments. If he makes this gesture…” Fleury held out his hand in a thumbs-down…”that means he wants you to stop whatever it is you’re doing. If he does not make that gesture, you may assume you have his consent to proceed. And you should use that signal for yourself, too.”

Zhenya hadn’t really known what to expect of his new husband, but it certainly hadn’t been this. “He would seem to be a thoughtful man of foresight.”

Fleury nodded. “He is, sir. Does that work for you?”

“It does. Please thank him for giving me a way to know how he’s feeling.”

“I will.” He hesitated. “And look, just -- thanks. From me, and the rest of us who care about him. I didn’t know what to expect of you. We did our research and you seem like a decent man, but many highborn people, even decent ones, when presented with a consort, would often take the opportunity to do as they liked with no thought for the consort’s wishes.”

“I am not such a man,” Zhenya said, firmly.

“I can see that. And so does he.” Fleury seemed about to go on, then harrumphed and checked his notes. “His Highness is very interested in contributing to the good of the kingdom. He knows that he can’t start up any charitable works or civic responsibilities under the embargo. So he would like to ask if there is anything he can do to help either here in the palace, or in such a way that he would remain anonymous.”

“If there were, my knowing about it would be a violation of the embargo.”

“Correct. Is there someone we could go to in your stead on this matter?”

“Yes, I think so. My executive secretary, Mr. Gonchar, is often my representative in matters of this nature; I’m sure he can find a way for His Highness to contribute without my knowledge or anyone else’s. You may tell him that both he and His Highness have my permission to undertake whatever projects they deem appropriate.”

“Very good. We will consult with him.” Fleury rose to his feet. “That’s all I have for now, Your Royal Highness. Thank you for being open to my comments.”

Zhenya rose. “I…” He sighed and looked at his feet. “Please tell my husband that my greatest wish is that he be comfortable and content here, and that our embargo may be brief.”

Fleury’s eyes narrowed. “That’s pushing embargo, don’t you think?”

“Probably.”

His gaze warmed a little. “Even if I can’t pass your words on to him, I have heard them myself. That isn’t nothing.” He winked, then turned and took his leave.

Cheeky, Zhenya thought. But he liked him.

-----

Fleury had not been gone half an hour when a messenger appeared with a card. “From His Highness,” the messenger said. “He awaits your reply.” He stood back while Zhenya opened the card, glancing at the clock. Sure enough, it was 2:30 on the dot. The card was a quaint touch, but a necessary one -- the embargo forbid them from texting or phoning each other, so this was all they had.

Your confirmation is requested for today’s scheduled appointment with the Prince Consort at 3:00 p.m. in the Royal Bedchamber. Please indicate your response below.

____ Accepted

____Cancelled

____Postponement to _____ o’clock requested

Yours very sincerely, The Prince Consort

Zhenya stared at the card with its neat lettering and multiple-choice responses, feeling an absurd lump rise in his throat. He could fall in love with this man and his endearing routines without ever having seen his face or heard his voice, embargo be damned.

He placed a check mark next to “Accepted” and sent the messenger back, then headed to his own chambers. He wanted to shower before his appointment.

Next Chapter

#unveiled #sidgeno #sidgeno fic #hockey rpf #my writing #unveiled chapters

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theninjasanctuary · 7 years ago

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This blog is just navel-gazing anyway, but I’m clearly not going to let that stop me from coming up with a summarization of past year’s personal ups and downs.

I started out on a rare high note, completing and presenting a fairly big creative project in early January, and actually feeling good about myself for a couple of days afterwards. And I’m afraid it was the professional peak for the year, although I couldn’t have known at the time. That highlight aside, what stands out from that winter are deaths and funerals. Starting with my aunt back in December, then old friend/mentor in late January, and then my partner’s mother in February, after a few short weeks of unexplained illness. And yeah, I tend to beat myself up here about being so shit at getting things done, but it’s safe to say in this case I genuinely had something in the way of excuses for being unable to focus for a while. I don’t want to recap anything, will only say I suppose we’ve come to terms with the situation, acknowledging that while it was terrible, it could have been much worse, and at least we were in a position to cope with the scenario that played out. In a grim way it helped that we could draw on my family’s fresh know-how of organizing things, with aunt’s funeral having just taken place. It’s not exactly all water under the bridge now though, the boyf still hasn’t started sorting the inheritance issues.

I was more operational by late spring, handling most of the pressing work concerns, but still delaying some others. I knew my contract was about to end, but I didn’t put a massive amount of effort into looking for a new job, because I had informal agreements with the same place about re-hiring me, and was feeling somewhat optimistic. When the offer finally materialized, after I’d been officially unemployed for 2 full months, the terms were a disappointment, and it’s been kind of a shitshow overall since then, as I’ve struggled to handle the workload and stress of teaching 2 new classes. The drop in my income means I’ve drained what little accessible savings I had, and am now genuinely stuck on trying to make it from payday to payday, which is another source of stress, and something I sorely need to address sooner rather than later. Would I rather have genuinely found something else to do in a different field, some 9-5 gig, I doubt it; even with the shit pay this position has some upsides of working mostly from home and mostly on my own schedule. But it’s another temporary contract - 8 months left, and even if I somehow survive until then on this pay, it is beyond clear that this is unsustainable. I need to keep looking and applying for better options. Not ideal when I feel down about my abilities, but there is no escaping it. (I am looking at job offers, but haven’t applied for anything since last winter - which took me nowhere.)

As for recreation, the summer was quite happy despite lack of appropriate warmth and other worries. Day trips with friends, etc. I went to London, Paris, Brussels and Copenhagen, and don’t regret any of it besides maybe not having more adequate gear with me for handling the weather at Copenhagen (however, did just fine in the Paris and London heatwaves). It was worth everything I paid. Idk how I’ll afford travel next year, but it is a goal to work towards.

Definite upside of this year: I somehow managed an actual lifestyle change by seriously reducing my sugar intake during strawberry season. Still not quite sure how it worked, but I like it and don’t intend to go back. I’ve gotten over the worry of somehow falling off the wagon; apparently it’s ok to have a small amount of dessert on special occasions, particularly when I don’t feel like explaining my dietary choices to people - there is a high likelihood it will taste far too sweet to be enjoyable anyway, and I no longer get cravings for more. I’ve saved money and lost some weight, and like the way I look more than I used to. The habit of getting reasonable, if not ideal amounts of exercise helps too.

As for personal growth... I’ve improved my French a bit, which is a long-term, ongoing goal, and I have read quite a lot for work and feel slightly less ignorant as a result, I guess. It’s still just drops in the ocean, but I ought to just come to terms with feeling perpetually inferior already, because it is clearly not something that is ever going to go away. That being said, the year has provided opportunities for observing some characteristics in me that I perhaps haven’t given myself enough credit for. (I, uhm, have watched other people behave in ways I would never?) I have got inner strength and drive, I’ve got plenty of good skills and capabilities, and I think I’m genuinely a decent, polite, kind person, a good partner, friend, family member, etc. I’ve gotten better at not feeling worthless even if things aren’t great at work/moneymaking fronts.

I wish I was a bit more articulate and witty though. I can be, sometimes, but don’t know how to do it consistently. Wonder if I’ll ever learn.

As for the coming year, I have no resolutions as such, but plenty of wishes I should put effort towards.

* I would like to write more, to get to a place where my creativity isn’t tied up in things I do for money (”tied up”, or should I say, in a chokehold?), but feels at least partially my own again, to be used primarily for enjoyment, and achieving personal goals.

* I want to build up some savings again (idk how), I want to buy furniture to upgrade my living situation (idk how on this pay), I want a driving licence (idk how on this pay and with my workload). And I can’t resort to magical thinking and buy lottery tickets, because you get ID’d for that here, and I’m too embarrassed to admit that hi, yes, it’s me, I am really that desperate. (Idk who they share this database with, either, what if I’ll actually be at a place to afford a mortgage someday, but the bank then flags me as a person with a gambling habit?)

* I want some professional achievements and recognition, not just money, dammit. Fed up of being outperformed by my peers.

* I should spend more time outdoors. That would apply to going for long walks locally (I’ve had dreams about going for runs again? Who knows), and day trips out of town, but also travelling. Just want to go on nice, relaxing holidays though, with the boyf, or more friends if possible. I don’t really want to go to any more conferences, because I’m still so fed up of travelling alone, even if someone else is paying for it.

* It would also be nice to read some books for entertainment sometimes, not just work.

* And I want to feel good about my looks, and in order to do so, have decided to be an adult about getting regular haircuts, now that I’ve located a great hair stylist. Every 4 months perhaps?

Last note is not a wish as such, just a recognition that I should grit my teeth and go to a gynecological checkup. Nothing’s wrong and I don’t want to, but soon it’s going to be 4 years since last time, isn’t it.

I wonder at which age does the “get yearly checkups” bullshit stop, clearly old women are not bothering?

It’s never more obvious how vague and possibly conflicted I feel about my gender identity than when I actually need to do something that reduces me to a set of genitalia, and assumes I am enthusiastic about being categorized on that basis, and embracing the labelling and the implications of biological determinism that go with it. Everything about it is just alienating af to me.

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fictionsofasasswolf-blog · 7 years ago

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June Blog of the Month Prize | thefallenwinter

The prize for the Blog of the Month winner on my Peter blog; thefallenwinter chose a ten song challenge featuring Peter HAle and Bucky Barnes.

~*-~*- ~*-~*- ~*-~*- ~*-~*- ~*-~*- ~*-~*- ~*-~*- ~*-~*- ~*-~*- ~*-~*- ~*-~*-

1; You and Me - Lifehouse

Peter had never considered himself overly sentimental since the fire. He did have it, but he didn't show it. And he had kept it well hidden up until a pair of blue eyes drew him in. He lay in the early morning light, Bucky laying beside him peacefully sleeping for the first time in days. Peter took credit in that pain transference during nightmares had seemed to ease the older man. He reached out to run a hand through dark tresses, mesmerized that the other had not only let him in, but had somehow worked a way through Peter's own walls. He would do anything for the other man, and he knew it. He smiled as he lay watching the other, content to watch Bucky sleep. He leaned to kiss his lover's forehead, humming softly.

2; This is How a Heart Breaks - Rob Thomas

Bucky had never thought about the things Peter had told him. But when his wolf went missing, he used his training to find him. He wasn't prepared to find Peter bloodied and with healing bruises. His heart broke at the sight, and he had to refrain from lashing out as the wolf growled ferally at his touch. "Peter, it's okay."

The crimson of Peter's eyes faded into blue and his breathing remained labored. "How did you-"

"I used my skillset. I'm not leaving here without you." Bucky cut him off seriously. He reached up to test the cuffs, switching the hand that held his rifle to use his metal hand to rip the cuffs from the metal rack. "I need you to get out. I'm going to make sure they don't find you ever again."

"I'm not letting you face them alone."

"And you're too weak to fight them off, Peter. Go."

Peter stood stubbornly, staring at the other before finally turning and going towards the surface from the underground tunnels.

3; We Run the Night - Havana Brown

Clubs were usually avoided. The noises overwhelmed Peter's senses, and he really didn't like the scents he could pick up on. But when there was a new building going up, he decided to try it. IT wasn't his style from the outside, however, once inside, he found he liked it better than most clubs. There was a live stage with a dj when artists couldn't be booked, the liquor was tastefully mixed, and there was even a VIP section. While Peter had no doubt he could afford the VIP access, he chose to stay on the normal side, sipping on bourbon and chatting with the bartender as the dj on duty played music from all over the place. Peter's attention wasn't on the people around him, but on the conversation he was having with the bartender, the conversation started over a comment about the shimmer of silver beneath a dark colored glove.

4; Work From Home - Fifth Harmony [featurign Ty Dolla $ign]

I actually couldn't type because I was jamming to this song. XD *is actually a hardcore Harmonizer*

5; Closer - Chainsmokers [featuring Halsey]

There was a love of Halsey music that Peter couldn't explain. He chalked it up to the girl being the age as one of his dead nieces. But there was one song that he enjoyed because it was the first song that he heard after his first date with Bucky. It always made him smile, and when Bucky moved in, he asked why the song had such a high play count compared to the other songs on Peter's iTunes. When Peter explained the reason, Bucky declared it to be their song, and it held 489 plays; the closest song after it being 'Control'.

6; Second Chance - Shinedown

Bucky had asked to go see his parents graves for their anniversary, and Peter couldn't deny his husband in the slightest. So he'd paid for a week's visit to New York, and helped Bucky find the paired gravestone. A bouquet of lilies was laid between the two names. Bucky was quiet for a long time, moving to sit cross legged at the footstones. Peter stood by lovingly, watching him. "They're proud of you. You came back from a lot, James." he replied.

Bucky gave a scoff like noise. "A second second chance. I hope this one isn't wasted."

Peter kneeled behind his husband and a soft kiss placed on Bucky's temple. "It's not. You have me, and I'll always be here, love." he said, lacing his fingers with the fingers of the other's metal hand.

7; Chokehold - Adam Lambert

Bucky didn't know what to do. His new, hidden life in the wooded hills of California had given him the chance to meet someone amazing. But the former Hydra assassin was no fool. He was conflicted because as much as he wanted to be with the other, he knew it would put Peter in danger. But it didn't make it any easier to forget how Peter made him feel. It had been so long since he felt normal, cared for. He'd been dating Peter for months at this point, but he was restless. He wanted to say how much Peter meant to him, but he didn't think he could say it. He lay still in his bed, pretending to sleep, hand holding Peter's as the wolf held him from behind. His fingers brushed over the back of the other's hand.

"I love you." Peter whispered, kissing between Bucky's shoulder blades.

The petrifying fear that he would be denied left him and Bucky could do little but reply "I love you, too."

8; Sugar - Maroon 5

Work was always awful, and Peter looked forward to going home to his boyfriend. He drove home as soon as he could, stopping only to get dinner from Bucky's favorite restaurant. PArking and looking around, he didn't see Bucky's bike, a soft pout curving his lips before he walked up to their apartment and unlocked the door. The wolf set the food on their dining room table, walking to the kitchen and finding a note from Bucky on the freezer door. Pulling the note down, he smiled as he saw the other would be home soon. He went to the bedroom to change, pausing when he heard the door open and close. "James?"

"Yes, it's me." Bucky replied. "I got you something." he said, voice drawing closer. "Something special."

"Oh?" Peter asked, arching a brow. He watched as Bucky pulled a little box from his pocket, moving forward and cracking it to reveal a white gold ring, a single pearl embedded in the band with a pattern of triskeles and stars.

"Yes, really." Bucky said, smiling before kneeling. "Peter, will you marry me?"

"Of course I will, James." Peter replied. "Now get up here and kiss me."

9; I Don't Want to Miss a Thing - Aerosmith

"I do." was never something Bucky thought he'd ever get to say. He had believed he wasn't capable of ever being loved like that. But here he stood, walking into a reception with his new husband. One of Peter's few friends announced them in and after the cake was cut, Peter led him to the dance floor, and a song began playing. Their first dance as husbands was one he had heard Peter sing before, but he hadn't expected it to play now. He smiled as he pressed close to the other, enjoying the way Peter's voice harmonized with the vocals, knowing he was the only one who could hear that Peter was singing to him. And the song became so much more meaningful to Bucky as they danced. As it drew to a close, he pulled back and leaned in to kiss the wolf, smiling as Peter returned it, holding them to the slow movements before he leaned in to whisper. "I love you, James Buchannon Hale."

10; Outlaws of Love - Adam Lambert

Falling in love was painful. Bucky had laid in bed as he realized he was in love and when he found Peter had felt the same, it had opened a whole new world. But it didn't mean they didn't have challenges. Peter and Bucky both had enemies, and it seemed when things would get settled, another enemy was showing back up or trying to use one of them against the other. After Peter's kidnapping, however, Bucky had slaughtered the last of those who knew how to track him. He was glad as they unpacked a box that they were as far off the radar as possible. "I kind of like that we have a place to call ours."

"No more running. We're here, and we aren't leaving anymore." the wolf agreed, placing the array of the few photos he had on the mantle. "And the house is great."

"Maybe we can live quietly."

Peter laughed softly. "If by quietly you mean weekly calls from my remaining family and Steve, being worried over by the team and my pack and constantly knowing we have to take care of them all, yeah, I'm looking forward to it, too."

#my works #10 song challenge #blog of the month; june 2017 #botm; prize

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theworstbob · 8 years ago

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yellin’ at songs, 5.27.2017 & 5.26.2007

the songs that debuted on the billboard hot 100 this week and this week ten years ago

5.26.2007

32) "Straight to the Bank," 50 Cent

There's actually something interesting at the core of this song -- if you make enough money doing your thing to sustain yourself for the rest of your life, what motivates you to keep doing your thing? I understand why 50 Cent wasn't willing to explore that theme, 50 Cent isn't here to offer a treatise on ennui and what creative fulfillment means to him, he's here to point at stacks of money and claim ownership. I think "I've made so much money I don't have to rap anymore" would be a fun twist on the "WE DEFIED INSURMOUNTABLE ODDS TO MAKE OODLES OF CASH!" song. It would've been a weird-ass 50 Cent song, but someone should take that theme and run.

48) "First Time," Lifehouse

See, like, at least 50 had the decency to give us the nugget of a decent song, to present something with a hint that it could be something more. This just is what it is, an alternative/rock song that sounds like a thousand alternative rock songs before it with nothing to say except "love feels nice." But I'm in a weird spot where I'm not sure if I'm reacting to the actual song, or if I'm reacting to the idea of Lifehouse and all the connotations I've attached to the Lifehouse brand. I keep wondering: if this song or something like this made it to the 2017 song, would I find it a refreshing throwback? If some long-forgotten mid-aughts alt-rock track, The Calling's "Our Lives" or whatever, if that found new life amidst the EDM and pop/trap, wouldn't it seem like a fun change of pace, an actual almost-rock song instead of the usual novelty indie track? I'm pretty sure this song is bad, but it might be because being weighed against history means being weighed against the titans, whereas the standards are different (lower) for modern songs, because there's a more limited pool to draw from (five months, as opposed to all of history). Hard to tell if I'm judging this song or the context in which this song is released. We need a control for 2017. America: are you finally ready to give Tonic that second chance?

52) "Anonymous," Bobby Valentino ft./Timbaland

I'm no expert, but I'm reasonably confident that, if you're tryna get with someone, and they don't tell you your name, that means they don't want to fuck you. I don't think you're being #problematic, but I do think you need to do better at picking up on signals, Bobby. They're not even giving you a FAKE name! It's so easy to give a fake name! "My name's Jamie." Took me two seconds. IT'S SO EASY! If they're not even willing to do that, they just want you to stop talking to them! You're not being #problematic, that would be a bridge too far, but you need to do a better job of picking up signals. You can't make a song about how you can't even get someone to tell you their name. They rejected you, dude. Move on. (Maybe if it were the next day, when you spent a night dancin' and romancin' but they left before anything sexy could happen, and you're trying to track them down but can't find them because you can't remember their name? That'd be a cool thing! This legit sounds like dude doesn't know someone said 'no,' and not in a shitty "I heard yes!" Robin Thickey way, just a dunderheaed boy-just-don't-get-it way.)

72) "Tambourine," Eve

The least 2007 could do after shoving Timbaland down my throat was give me a Swizz chaser. I greatly enjoyed this! One gets why this song fell from the consciousness, it's a jam but it's not the song that gets the party started, y'know? And like all songs named after an instrument, there is not enough of the titular instrument in the track. I don't necessarily want it to sound like a second grade band performance, but I should have heard more tambourine than I did. But, yeah, hot party jam, always down for a well-executed version of a song with simple goals.

79) "Same Girl," R. Kelly & Usher

This song is fun, it's a foundational block of my relationship with my older sister, and it wasn't worth however many lives it cost to keep R. Kelly's name alive in our hearts.

83) "Vulnerable," Secondhand Serenade

more like glove-compartment admittance. for all i know, secondhand serenade probably actually did get big on myspace and i'm about to accurately describe this song, but this sounds like some fucking dude made a song in 20 minutes using his computer, uploaded it to myspace, and spent 4 hours picking out the right picture of him looking forlorn to put on his profile. you can hear the label executives looking at his picture and agreeing he's an 8, which is perfect -- hot enough to induce swooning, but just enough of an uggo to be approachable, impossible. ...oh no. oh no oh no it got me it got me run it got me you have to run you have to RUN BEFORE YOU CATCH IT TOO.

85) "I Don't Wanna Stop," Ozzy Osbourne

GOD YOU JUST DON'T APPRECIATE HOW AWFUL BUTTROCK IS UNTIL YOU LISTEN TO A REAL-ASS ROCK SONG. Ozzy was fucking 60 and swinging this sledgehammer. This fucking ruled. Remember that Bon Jovi nonsense from last week? THIS is how you do a late-career single. You fucking just remind people you've been doing this shit for 40 years by making a song you can only write with 40 years of experience under your belt. I heard the Bon Jovi song, I just heard a song. I heard this song, I heard Ozzy, I heard Zakk Wylde, I heard years of accrued expertise and experience, I heard fucking character, dude. I'm not even a metal dude, and I'm fucking into this song. This was great. Later, Breaking Benjamin. I can't in good conscience have your lilly ass in the Top 20 if you're gonna say you're in the same genre as this creature.

91) "Like This," MIMS

This is somehow the second track called "Like This" that 2007 has given us. The official music video for this song starts off with the hook for "This Is Why I'm Hot," because I guess the video is trying to give us what we really want. He also mentions "This Is Why I'm Hot" in the first verse, which, that's a bold move, to reference your hit in the second single. It's either swag, because you recorded both songs years ago and knew "This Is Why I'm Hot" would smash so hard that you wanted to give a shout-out to its inevitable success on the album, or it's safety, because you hurried this follow-up out the door and needed to mention the one thing you're ever gonna do. Either way, this song is mediocre 2007 pop/rap. It's as boring and listless as you would imagine the other MIMS song would be.

92) "teachme," Musiq Soulchild

This song about a man admitting that his confinement to traditional gender roles has made him emotionally unavailable and stunted would probably play a lot better in 2017 than I assume it did in 2007. I don't remember this song being that big a thing, but in 2017? Apart from being thrilled that someone in an R&B song is emoting, we'd also be stoked for a song that tacitly acknowledges toxic masculinity. This was pleasant! Musiq Soulchild dropped a song about fuck buddies and another song about the role gender norms played in his emotional upbringing, and I've appreciated all he's done!

94) "I Told You So," Keith Urban

OK this week's a pretty hot one for 2007. This is the fourth jam of the week, already quadruple the amount of jams I thought this week would have, and we haven't even gotten to the song I'm figuring is gonna be a jam. I forgot that sometimes country dude songs could have character! This song has a dope-as-hell instrumental break, an entirely reasonable amount of stops, and hey: Keith Urban? Pretty decent singer! This was rad. I keep forgetting "Alyssa Lies" exists, but were it not for that, this would be the lead contender for Least Worthless Country Dude song. Hell, I might even upgrade the title to "Most Acceptable Country Dude Song," since this and "Alyssa Lies" were both pretty great.

95) "Impacto," Daddy Yankee ft./Fergie

Oh. Oh no. Oh no! ...Oh, oh, I forgot. I forgot Daddy Yankee was once Very Bad. Oh, no. This is -- nothing about this is good. This is someone shouting over a beat that is also, somehow, shouting. I. I am going to stop writing this capsule? Because the longer I am writing about this song, the longer I am making myself thinking about this song, and I just, I'd like to very much not do that anymore.

98) "Get Me Bodied," Beyonce

DO YOU HEAR THIS SHIT, MIMS. THIS IS HOW YOU REFERENCE YOUR DEBUT SINGLE. You wait until you have an impressive catalogue of hits and an unassailable career, and THEN, you can shout out your debut single. Hey everyone did you guess which song I epected to be a jam? TURNS OUT I WAS RIGHT. The vocal work on this track is outstanding, like even for a Beyonce song it's ridiculous, there's a couple things Bey does on this track that made me laugh in disbelief. This is probably not even one of the 20 best songs in the extended Beyonce universe, and I'm still riding hard for it.

99) "All Good Things (Come to an End)," Nelly Furtado

so by this logic this song should have lasted forever OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHah we have fun here, but no this song was boring. like i know i have a tendency to check out with the last song of the week for both years, but i think it's justified in this case, because seriously it's timbaland and coldplay on the track, nah dude, i got cheers to watch.

The 2007 Top 20! Beyonce! Ozzy! 18 other songs you’ve been seeing for a while! 20) "Movin' On," by Elliott Yamin (3.17.2007) 19) "U + Ur Hand," by P!nk (1.13.2007) 18) "Doe Boy Fresh," by Three 6 Mafia ft./Chamillionaire (1.20.2007) 17) "Get Me Bodied," by Beyonce (5.26.2007) 16) "I Don't Wanna Stop," by Ozzy Osbourne (5.26.2007) 15) "Stolen," by Dashboard Confessional (4.21.2007) 14) "Beautiful Liar," by Beyonce & Shakira (3.31.2007) 13) "Cupid's Chokehold," by Gym Class Heroes ft./Patrick Stump (1.13.2007) 12) "The River," by Good Charlotte ft./M. Shadows & Synyster Gates (2.10.2007) 11) "Say OK," by Vanessa Hudgens (2.17.2007) 10) "Alyssa Lies," by Jason Michael Carroll (1.13.2007) 9) "Never Again," by Kelly Clarkson (5.12.2007) 8) "Get Buck," by Young Buck (4.14.2007) 7) "And I Am Telling You I'm Not Going," by Jennifer Hudson (1.13.2007) 6) "Thnks fr th Mmrs," by Fall Out Boy (4.28.2007) 5) "Candyman," by Christina Aguilera (1.13.2007) 4) "Because of You," by Ne-Yo (3.17.2007) 3) "Umbrella," by Rihanna ft./Jay-Z (4.28.2007) 2) "Dashboard," by Modest Mouse (2.17.2007) 1) "The Story," by Brandi Carlile (4.28.2007) Almost at a point where we can do Top 30s for each year! I don’t know why I comment after the list but here we are!

5.27.2017

64) "Malibu," by Miley Cyrus

This is a song where you have to be at least somewhat invested in the arc of Miley Cyrus' career for it to have maximum emotional impact, and I'm not, I'm very not interested in Miley Cyrus' journey or personal growth. Like, yay, the rich kid finally sobered up and is finally ready to accept the rest of their life with the vast fortune they have accrued, hooray for them, I'm glad something good finally happened to Miley Cyrus.

79) "Every Time I Hear That Song," by Blake Shelton

Oh good a country song about a different and better country song. Always a welcome addition to a chart, this type of song. Four people wrote this song. How does it take four people to listen to The Bro Country Song and say, "Let's do that again!" It's just, I have to come up with something relatively new to say about the same fucking country dude song every week, and meanwhile these four chucklefucks get to rhyme "mind" with "time" and call themselves PROFESSIONAL writers. Life's not fair.

89) "Either Way," by Chris Stapleton

"Baby, you can go or you can stay/But I won't love you either way." fuckkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk THIS was that chris stapleton shit i was lookin' for a couple weeks back. i haven't had time to get to from a room yet, not sure if i should do vol. i now or take it in with vol. ii, but god damn, this is what a country song is. this is pain, laid bare and unvarnished, nothing but a guitar between you and this dude's voice, which, i mean, chris stapleton is as born to sing country songs as kendrick is to rap, as beyonce is to sing anything beyonce desires. this is just a solid fucking song, and the entirety of nashville should feel endless shame for thinking anyone else should have had this song.

97) "Drinkin' Problem," by Midland

This was what I was talking about when I was talking about Lifehouse! This song is kind of a throwback, but it's only throwing as far back as Toby Keith, yet even doing an imitation of Toby Keith's occasional dad-humor songs feels so good, feels so right, feels so unlike the bro country song that it counts as a zag for country music. This is a song with clear, discernible influences, for which success seems like a happy accident and not the result of piloting the world's most efficient country hit-making engine! Maybe there's a chance I would find this trite and corny when weighed against the entirety of country music -- and honestly, being the country dude song following Chris Stapleton on the chart, hoof, that I didn't think this sucked should prolly give me a clue as to how great this song really is -- but given that Sam Hunt nothinged his way to the top of this world, I'm willin' to be down with this song.

Top 20! 20) "Heatstroke," by Calvin Harris ft./Young Thug, Pharrell Williams & Ariana Grande (4.22) 19) "Yeah Boy," Kelsea Ballerini (3.4) 18) "You Look Good," by Lady Antebellum (4.22) 17) "The Heart Part 4," by Kendrick Lamar (4.15) 16) "Selfish," by Future ft./Rihanna (3.18) 15) "Slide," by Calvin Harris ft./Frank Ocean & Migos (3.18) 14) "Now & Later," by Sage the Gemini (2.25) 13) "DNA." by Kendrick Lamar (5.6) 12) "It Ain't Me," by Kygo x Selena Gomez (3.4) 11) "Craving You," by Thomas Rhett ft./Maren Morris (4.22) 10) "That's What I Like," by Bruno Mars (3.4) 9) "Chanel," by Frank Ocean ft./A$AP Rocky (4.1) 8) "Either Way," by Chris Stapleton (5.27) 7) "Run Up," by Major Lazer ft./PARTYNEXTDOOR & Nicki Minaj (2.18) 6) "Green Light," by Lorde (3.18) 5) "ELEMENT." by Kendrick Lamar (5.6) 4) "Despacito," by Luis Fonsi ft./Daddy Yankee (2.4) 3) "Issues," by Julia Michaels (2.11) 2) "iSpy," by KYLE ft./Lil Yachty (1.14) 1) "Hard Times," by Paramore (5.13) Yo, look at “Despacito,” toppin’ the chart! I might have to actually listen to the remix. BUT THE ORIGINAL IS SO GOOOOOOOD THO. I don’t want to listen to Justin Bieber.

Who won?

2007. Great as “Either Way” was, 2007 just had more songs at a more consistent level. Like, “Either Way” is at least half a street ahead of “Get Me Bodied,” but “Drinkin Problem” doesn’t hold a candle to “I Don’t Wanna Stop,” and the other two 2017 entries aren’t worthy of mentioning alongside “teachme.” Easy W. Didn’t think it’d happen, but hey, 2007 was pleasantly surprising! Next week... I see what 2007 has for me next week. Gonna take a huge fuck-up from 2017 to even things up for ol’ 2007. Two Linkin Park songs. Two of them. Guh.

2017: 5 2007: 4

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sagittaargentum · 8 years ago

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10 Song Challenge - March BOTM

1; You and Me - Lifehouse

2; This is How a Heart Breaks - Rob Thomas

The crimson of Peter's eyes faded into blue and his breathing remained labored. "How did you-"

"I'm not letting you face them alone."

"And you're too weak to fight them off, Peter. Go."

Peter stood stubbornly, staring at the other before finally turning and going towards the surface from the underground tunnels.

3; We Run the Night - Havana Brown

Clubs were usually avoided. The noises overwhelmed Peter's senses, and he really didn't like the scents he could pick up on. But when there was a new building going up, he decided to try it. It wasn't his style from the outside, however, once inside, he found he liked it better than most clubs. There was a live stage with a dj when artists couldn't be booked, the liquor was tastefully mixed, and there was even a VIP section. While Peter had no doubt he could afford the VIP access, he chose to stay on the normal side, sipping on bourbon and chatting with the bartender as the dj on duty played music from all over the place. Peter's attention wasn't on the people around him, but on the conversation he was having with the bartender, the conversation started over a comment about the shimmer of silver beneath a dark colored glove.

4; Work From Home - Fifth Harmony [featuring Ty Dolla $ign]

I actually couldn't type because I was jamming to this song. XD *is actually a hardcore Harmonizer*

5; Closer - Chainsmokers [featuring Halsey]

6; Second Chance - Shinedown

Bucky gave a scoff like noise. "A second second chance. I hope this one isn't wasted."

7; Chokehold - Adam Lambert

"I love you." Peter whispered, kissing between Bucky's shoulder blades.

The petrifying fear that he would be denied left him and Bucky could do little but reply "I love you, too."

8; Sugar - Maroon 5

"Yes, it's me." Bucky replied. "I got you something." he said, voice drawing closer. "Something special."

"Yes, really." Bucky said, smiling before kneeling. "Peter, will you marry me?"

"Of course I will, James." Peter replied. "Now get up here and kiss me."

9; I Don't Want to Miss a Thing - Aerosmith

10; Outlaws of Love - Adam Lambert

"No more running. We're here, and we aren't leaving anymore." the wolf agreed, placing the array of the few photos he had on the mantle. "And the house is great."

"Maybe we can live quietly."

#botm

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theworstbob · 8 years ago

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yellin’ at songs: 4.8.2017, 4.7.2007

the songs that debuted on the billboard chart this week and ten years ago this week.

4.7.2007

46) "Everything," Michael Buble

So, I'm not a smoker, right? Never have been, never will be. But there are times, y'know, when I'll just be sitting at home, and I'll think, "Man. I could really go for a cigarette!" I have neighbors who smoke pretty intensely, and sometimes I'll catch a whiff of that cigarette smell, and by golly, that's a sense memory trigger for me, brings me right on back to childhood, those summer nights driving home from bell choir practice, playing the alphabet game with my sisters while Mom took in a Marlboro Light. The scent and the memory hits, and gosh-darn, a cigarette sounds really good! And... then I'll catch that second whiff? And I'll be reminded, oh yeah, fuck that. I don't need something that gross in my life. This is what Michael Buble is to me, is a cigarette. I think about crooners, and I think, yeah, soothing voice, classy love songs, probably wearing a suit. Frank Sinatra, Dean Martin, Bing Crosby, yeah. Yeah a crooner in 2017 sounds nice. But then I hear a Michael Buble song, and I'm reminded, oh dear. Oh, no, I never wanted this, I just liked the idea of this, all those old dudes beat their wives I’m pretty sure, the reality is awful!

67) "Wait for You," Elliott Yamin

This is significantly less funky than "Movin' On." This was the first real single, right? That's kind of dumb. We could have been doing so much more with Elliott Yamin than giving him this ballad and saying "make this more than it is!" And he does, the only reason this song hits is dude's voice, but what a disappointing use of this voice! "Movin' On" was such a tasty jam, but you're telling me the vision of Elliott Yamin you wanted to share with the world was "more talented Clay Aiken?" FOH. There's a version of Elliott Yamin's career where he gets to jam out for a few years, THEN he takes a residency in Vegas and only releases songs like this. Instead, we get the darkest timeline, Yamin releasing one ballad and then releasing several albums in Japan only. "Katy" is a dope track only Japan gets to buy! How? How did this get screwed up so bad!

72) "Lost in This Moment," Big & Rich

here's a fun and easy way to improve this song: make it about literally any other fucking moment in the relationship than the one where you are codifying your love in the eyes of the law and your god. literally, any other one. like that's what makes "cupid's chokehold" so great, is the little moments that the dude recounts. it's not just the sunrise in her eyes, y'know? she's making pancakes. she calls you and the ringtone you have for her plays. you're talking on the phone, and you look at the clock and realize it's been three hours. he draws a unique relationship with these mundane moments that make him step back and say "wow," and it reinforces how excited he is to be in that relationship. this is stating the obvious. "ah geez, person i'm literally getting married to right now, i sure love you." great. thanks. thanks for sharing. it would've sure sucked if you didn't.

83) "Tell Me 'Bout It," Joss Stone

So right from the go, I'ma show you this Stone, and I'ma make sure you really want me to try to squeeze blood from it. You sure? It's a reasonably funky Stone, perfectly acceptable, and I don't mind its presence in my life, but I'm pretty sure I'm not gonna be able to squeeze any blood from it. I can give it my best if you desire! I'ma tell you right now, I'm doubtful I can do much with it.

95) "Who Knew," Pink

Another song that is more or less fine! Pink's great. This is probably the 14th-best Pink song. She gives it her all, and by gum is Pink's B-game better than almost anyone else's A-game, but you see I have, like, this point to prove with Jordan Pruitt? I'm not sure what that point is, but I'd very much like to make it. Ah, but then, there are optics to consider. Because if "Who Knew" isn't the one who ends the out-of-nowhere miracle run of Jordan Pruitt, it would almost certainly be Breaking Benjamin. "Breath" is a song which drops next week, it's a song I've been loving for ten years, and it would be impossible for me to justify keeping a song I've been loving for so long out of the Top 20. But "Breath" is also kinda self-serious and unfun, it's not a "cool" song to like, and it would be cruel to bounce Jordan Pruitt because this white boy can't help but love some melodic hard rock. It’s also gonna be shitty to bump Pink, but at least Pink has, like, another song in the Top 20, and also a full-ass career of hits. /sighs/ The dream is over. Again: I’m not sure what dream, but it’s over.

97) "Moments," Emerson Drive

yeah okay great. great. way to be humans of new york in song form. "homeless people have stories!" well fuck me then, i thought that homeless dude just went outside one day and didn't stop. i've been so naive.

The top 20, now with no teens trying to survive life as an outcast: 20) "Who Knew," by Pink (4.7.2007) 19) "Like a Boy," by Ciara (3.17.2007) 18) "Grace Kelly," by MIKA (2.17.2007) 17) "Get it Shawty," by Lloyd (3.31.2007) 16) "Break 'Em Off," by Paul Wall ft./Lil' KeKe (3.10.2007) 15) "My Oh My," by The Wreckers (1.27.2007) 14) "Mr. Jones," by Mike Jones (1.27.2007) 13) "Settlin'," by Sugarland (2.17.2007) 12) "Movin' On," by Elliott Yamin (3.17.2007) 11) "U + Ur Hand," by P!nk (1.13.2007) 10) "Doe Boy Fresh," by Three 6 Mafia ft./Chamillionaire (1.20.2007) 9) "Beautiful Liar," by Beyonce & Shakira (3.31.2007) 8) "Cupid's Chokehold," by Gym Class Heroes ft./Patrick Stump (1.13.2007) 7) "The River," by Good Charlotte ft./M. Shadows & Synyster Gates (2.10.2007) 6) "Say OK," by Vanessa Hudgens (2.17.2007) 5) "Alyssa Lies," by Jason Michael Carroll (1.13.2007) 4) "And I Am Telling You I'm Not Going," by Jennifer Hudson (1.13.2007) 3) "Candyman," by Christina Aguilera (1.13.2007) 2) "Because of You," by Ne-Yo (3.17.2007) 1) "Dashboard," by Modest Mouse (2.17.2007)

4.8.2017

8) "Passionfruit," by Drake 9) "Portland," by Drake ft./Quavo & Travis Scott 18) "Free Smoke," by Drake 29) "Gyalchester," by Drake 35) "Teenage Fever," by Drake 36) "Sacrifices," by Drake ft./2 Chainz & Young Thug 38) "Blem," by Drake 40) "No Long Talk," by Drake ft./Giggs 45) "Get it Together," by Drake ft./Jorja Smith & Black Coffee 48) "KMT," by Drake ft./Giggs 49) "Jorja Interlude," by Drake 50) "4422," by Drake ft./Sampha 51) "Madiba Riddim," by Drake 54) "Glow," by Drake ft./Kanye West 60) "Do Not Disturb," by Drake 61) "Nothings Into Somethings," by Drake 62) "Ice Melts," by Drake ft./Young Thug 64) "Lose You," by Drake 70) "Since Way Back," by Drake ft./PARTYNEXTDOOR 76) "Skepta Interlude," by Drake 82) "Can't Have Everything," by Drake

...the whole thing. i'm go -- okay, see, and i can't ignore this, because three other dudes had songs make their debut, also i have NOT listened to 1997 yet like that seems too big, but i thought, the whole thing? no way! it's 21 whole songs, minus the one that already debuted! i underestimated how much love people have for drake, and god bless 'em, i'm glad they found something in this cruel and random world they can rely on. this isn't good? this isn't good. drake is still very famous and very sad about everything. it's the dullest fucking topic in the world. like i guess i liked "get it together" alright enough, and of course i thought "ice melts" was dope (young thug elevates things a billion fold with his array of delightful mouth noises), but like i don't care? about any of these songs? and like i don't like that i'm complaining about drake a week after saying i didn't have any complaints about ed sheeran, but if i'm assigning every ed sheeran song a grade and every drake song a grade, they get a C- and a D+, respectively, but 70% is a C- and 69% is a D+. it's pretty much the same, one just looks okayer than the other. i just, i don't care. i can just not care, right? like, i don't hate this, i don't like this, this is something i've listened to for this project which assigns homework. 21 fucking drake songs. this is the last time, right? like, the last time i have to listen to a whole album i don't want to listen to for the sake of listening to every song which debuted on the hot 100 in 2017? fuck, man.

i'm sorry. like i mean i didn't go in expecting to be this bored, i want to like everything, this is the YAS project after all, and i know people had positive things to say about this, like everything i heard about this album said, "Yeah, Drake's fine! This is his best in years!" i thought it could be cool! i wasn't dreading the 80 minutes of drake i'd required myself to take in, but christ, that's a lot of drake. that is entirely too much drake for one sitting, and i, i can't, y'know? i tried, but, it's this.

88) "At My Best," by Machine Gun Kelly ft./Hailee Steinfeld

Well alright, this was surprisingly okay! Not Top 20 material this late in the game, certainly not if "Ice Melts" isn't, I'm not gonna ride too hard for a song about how hard Machine Gun Kelly worked to be the fourth-best white rapper in the game, but if you're the fourth-best white rapper, that usually means you're at least listenable. The hook is structured around the biggest cliche possible in 2017, Hailee Steinfeld sells it well enough. It's a bit over-produced, but it never feels too stuffed to soar. Not bad! Legitimately, just good enough to not be bad! I can see the headlines now: Pop Song Performed Capably, Not Hated by Millions.

97) "Trap Trap Trap," by Rick Ross ft./Young Thug & Wale

Is this the most conventional verse Young Thug has ever had? Like I've never heard Young Thug just rapping for this long a period of time, but I'm not gonna sit here and pretend I've consumed every single Young Thug tape. There's nary a mouth noise to be heard! It is oddly fitting, though, that Young Thug would be at his most traditional on a Rick Ross track, Rick Ross being maybe the most average rapper still going. Like of course Rick Ross would just drop a song called "Trap Trap Trap," we're not expecting serious artistic breakthroughs from Rick Ross, who would expect that, why do you expect dumb things, nah this is kind of a perfect Rick Ross song. It's enjoyable and disposable.

98) "Swalla," by Jason Derulo ft./Nicki Minaj & Ty Dolla $ign

BLESS JASON DERULO AND HIS COMMITMENT TO MAKING ABSOLUTELY THE DUMBEST SHIT ON EARTH. No joke, I'm into this. Let's recap what we've been given these last three weeks: 3.25: 10 Ed Sheeran songs 4.1: 3 Nicki Minaj songs (and “Chanel!”) 4.8: 21 Drake songs THIS IS SUCH A TREAT AFTER WHAT WE’VE BEEN THROUGH (”CHANEL” EXCLUDED)! I mean, listen, is Jason Derulo a complete skeezeball? Yes. Could any Jason Derulo song be one tenth as horny and still be several orders of magnitude hornier than any other song on the chart? Absolutely. But this is upbeat and hella stupid and I am mostly into this trash. I mean I'm not 100% down with Jason Derulo offering his cum as refreshment, like hey guy maybe just get her some water, but this song is upbeat and I remember it five minutes after hearing it and it has an outlook on life that isn't, "this is the worst." Jason Derulo is just a ridiculous man who is too into blow-jobs, and goddamnit, I appreciate him.

The current Top 20: 20) "Way Down We Go," by Kaleo (1.14) 19) "Swalla," by Jason Derulo ft./Nicki Minaj & Ty Dolla $ign (4.8) 18) "Everyday," by Ariana Grande ft./Future (3.4) 17) "Light," by Big Sean ft./Jeremih (2.25) 16) "Draco," by Future (3.11) 15) "Guys My Age," by Hey Violet (2.11) 14) "Good Drank," by 2 Chainz ft./Gucci Mane & Quavo (2.11) 13) "Yeah Boy," Kelsea Ballerini (3.4) 12) "Selfish," by Future ft./Rihanna (3.18) 11) "Slide," by Calvin Harris ft./Frank Ocean & Migos (3.18) 10) "It Ain't Me," by Kygo x Selena Gomez (3.4) 9) "Now & Later," by Sage the Gemini (2.25) 8) "Shape of You," by Ed Sheeran (1.28) 7) "That's What I Like," by Bruno Mars (3.4) 6) "Chanel," by Frank Ocean ft./A$AP Rocky (4.1) 5) "Green Light," by Lorde (3.18) 4) "Run Up," by Major Lazer ft./PARTYNEXTDOOR & Nicki Minaj (2.18) 3) "Despacito," by Luis Fonsi ft./Daddy Yankee (2.4) 2) "Issues," by Julia Michaels (2.11) 1) "iSpy," by KYLE ft./Lil Yachty (1.14) I hate that only 9 of these 11 tracks feature women in some form while there’s even one Jason Derulo song in the Top 20, like why couldn’t i like that marian hill thing more. how did mariah carey release a song this year but i got a fucking big sean track in the top 20. what am i doing here.

Who won?

I mean no one won. I think 2017 somehow ended up with the better offerings. That’s the thing about boring; it’s never great, but it’s never outright terrible, either, and three of 2007′s entrants are complete failures. All the Drake songs were the same boring-ass Drake song that’s ever been, but none of them were “Moments.” It’s not an inspiring win for 2017, but evidently there’s new Iggy Azalea, so it’ll take what it can get as long as it can get it.

Current standings: 2017: 1 2007: 1

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