#this chp isn’t my fav but it’s kinda important

[burninlovebutler]

20 - I Know You're Lying // Forever Winter // a.b x oc

warnings: mentions of drugs, sad/high!austin, cursing, mainly dialogue, kinda short, 18+ always, minors dni

20/?: Elsie shows up unannounced and suspects Austin of lying, then asks him to compromise for the sake of the coming holiday.

see masterlist/summary for background info + chapter log

Now I need your help with everything that I do I don't want to lie, I've been relying on you

I hope I don't murder me I hope I don't burden you

-AUSTIN-

I laid on my couch, every limb glued to the dark blue suede. It felt like heaven, a soft velvety heaven. The concrete hues and patterns of my ceiling blended into something so consuming. Plaster swirls spun around each other in a fluid dance, eyes following every twirl. Nothing else on my mind besides that beautiful cement performance.

An abrupt buzz rattled against the glass coffee table, yanking me from my riveting entertainment. It took a full ring and midway through another for me to finally reach my phone, turning it over to see Elsie’s name on my screen. A lazy smile tugged at my lips.

“Hello,” Answering, though it sounded significantly more excited in my head.

“Austin, what the fuck are you doing?” She asked sounding urgent, annoyed?

“What do you mean?” Just speaking felt like the most exhausting endeavor. “I’m, talking to you.”

“Austin, I’ve been knocking at your door for the past 20 minutes.”

“What? I think you’re mistaken Els. I’ve been home all day.”

“I know.” I never knew a knock could sound so annoyed until her fist met my door again.

“Oh, sorry I um, hold on.” Every muscle worked overtime to stand me upright.

The line went dead.

I heaved open the heavy metal door and propped myself against it, stumbling a bit when it swung back. “Sorry, I um- I must’ve fell asleep.”

She stepped forward cautiously, her eyes inspected me. Like she was a scientist, and I was the petri dish. “Right.” Stepping past me and into my apartment. “Is this why you haven’t answered any of my calls for the past week?”

“Els, I’ve been busy okay.” I precariously closed the heavy door behind me as if I moved too fast it would fall apart. “Listen, I can’t have you here right now. I’m doing a lot of work.” My immediate excitement of her visit quickly disappeared.

Her brows knit together as she stepped towards once again. I tried to divert my eyes from her this time. “Okay, you’re kinda freaking me out and I don’t appreciate you just showing up and– “ Lifting herself to her tippy toes, her index and thumb prying my eye open.

I immediately jerked back, “The fuck are you doing?”

“Are you fucking high?”

“What the fuck are you talking about, of course I’m not high.” Though, my snail slow speech begged to differ.

“You’re lying to me.”

“I’m not.”

“Your eyes are fucking red, you’re high.”

“I’m not fucking high, Elsie.”

“Yes, you are, I know you like the back of my fucking hand Austin. You’re high.”

I hated seeing her like that, seeing her look at me like that. I knew she was concerned, angry even, but mostly it was sadness hidden in her voice. That one was the dagger. It was part of package deal though, wasn’t it? Addiction and disappointment, one and the same. You can’t really have one without the other. An unfortunate byproduct but it was one I, at least, attempted to limit from her.

I’ve tried being honest about relapses before, but it only made things worse, complicated. It was the biggest fucking mistake because now under any slight suspicion she’d be up my ass, watching me like a hawk. The Nox sighting shit from last week was a mistake too, yet another thing I had to hide. Anything slightly strange I saw or heard, I had to assume it was just my head, even if it looked or felt real. The problem though was that those lines were beginning to blur.

“Fine, fine. Yeah.” I admitted. “I just smoked, it’s not a big deal.”

What I hated even more than seeing her look at me like that, was lying to her.

“It doesn’t smell like weed in here.”

“I blew it out the window.”

“Show me the bowl.” She crossed her arms and popped out a hip.

“You know, I don’t really appreciate you coming in here and accusing me of shit.” I snapped back.

“Show me the bowl.” Her eyes narrowed in on me.

“I don’t have to answer to you Elsie. I’m not a child.”

“Show me the bowl.” Her voice stern and filtered through grinded teeth.

“Fine. You wanna see the bowl? I’ll show you the fucking bowl.”

I rashly made a b-line to my bedroom. Luckily, I had been smoking, so this shouldn’t be a hard sell. I did however take the pill bottles scattered on my nightstand and shoved them back into my drawer.

I carried the once clear blue pipe out to her. It had been packed and half smoked. “See, weed.” And dropped the piece in her hands. “Are you fucking happy now?”

Misty green eyes studied me intently, still like I was a science experiment. I was too high to decipher if she was buying it or not. Knowing Elsie, she wasn’t convinced. But right now, she had no proof of anything else. The exact proof she was looking for was in her hands.

“If it was just weed then why did you lie to me about it?” Her tone softer now, delicate.

I anchored myself once again to the same spot on the couch. Taming my high for this interaction was taking every last bit of effort in me. The cloud-like sofa enveloped me in the softest hug. Xanax made everything feel light, fluffy, happy – until someone tries to rip you out of it. I was either a giddy fool or a raging asshole. And right now, I was really wishing she’d fucking leave so I could get back to the dancing plaster on my ceiling. It had become my top priority.

I wouldn’t be so fucking annoyed if I could just have her sit next to me and watch the show above us. That was the most fucked up part, I wanted her to join me. I wanted company as corrupt as me. I wanted someone who understood the concrete ceiling performance, someone just as fucked up. But she’d never do that, she was too good. And in my heart, I knew it wasn’t right, I’d never want anyone to deal with this fucked up burden of mine. Especially not her.

“I don’t know, you just get so fucking worried about everything.” Dropping my hands in defeat then bringing one to my temple.

“Yes, because you fucking worry me. Because you were just at my house-”

“Elsie. It’s just fucking pot calm the fuck down.”

“You know it doesn’t work like that for you.”

I rolled my eyes at her words. But she was right. Since my ‘break’ (at least that’s what everyone simmered it down to), in college, me and marijuana didn’t mix well anymore. At least not most strains, for it to be helpful I needed very specific types. Which kinda took the fun out of it since it was a lot of trial and error.

“It’s a good strain. It helps me.” Although I could act, lying in real life was difficult. You know how people say that if you can lie well, you’re a good actor? Not always true.

At least not with me, not with her.

Or maybe I just was a shitty actor after all.

“Mhm.” She hummed, then sat next to me, twisting to face me.

“How’ve you been since-“

“I’m fine, I don’t wanna talk about it.” Filling in the blanks for her before she could even prompt them.

“You can tell me if something is going on, you know that right?” She spoke in the sweetest tone, one that could rot your teeth right out of your skull. I couldn’t go to her, not this time. She went to reach for my hand, but I drew away.

“Els, there’s nothing fucking going on. I’m fine. Can we just drop it?”

I just wanna get back to my stupid fucking ceiling show.

Her pink lips pressed together staying quiet and focusing her fumbling thumbs. “Anyway um… I um,” She tucked a chestnut wave behind her ear, then twirled a freshly manicured finger around the lock. “Don’t be mad.”

I knitted eyebrows together looking over at her, my dazed mind trying to think of what she could possibly have to tell me that would make me mad. Madder than her accusing me of shit.

“Do you think um… Do you think you’d be open to spending Christmas with me and Nox?” Her expression held an air of telling your parents you did something bad, like she was bracing herself for impact. No doubt a result of whatever Nox puts her through.

Suddenly I was coming down from my high and I was coming down quick. “Why the fuck would I want to have Christmas with him?”

“Well… I want to spend Christmas with you, but also with him so…” She trailed off.

“So, you’re forcing us to interact for you?” Propping up an accusatory eyebrow.

“Well, uh,” She pressed her lips together again, “He wants to apologize.”

“Apologize?” I snorted, “Elsie he fucking held me against a fridge and then punched me.”

“Only after you punched him first.” She countered.

“Yeah, he fucking had you by the fucking throat. You’ve got to be shitting me right now.”

“Well, I just think… you could apologize too you know?”

I scoffed, “Oh that’s fuckin rich.”

“Aust please, I just want you guys to get along.” Pleading once more.

“I’m not fucking apologizing to him, he’s a fucking prick. He deserved it.”

She drew her fidgeting hands into her lap.

“Listen, I don’t know what kind of twisted manipulation bullshit he has you brainwashed with but I'm not doing it.” The words left my mouth before I got a chance to filter them. It was hard to control my moods or my words when I’m strung out, none the less when I was coming down.

The light in her sage eyes faltered when she heard my reply. Pausing before speaking again and dropped her focus back down to her hands. “He’s better now. I promise. He hasn’t been drinking as much. He only gets like that when he’s drunk.”

I knew that was a lie. She didn’t need to be a bad liar for me to know that. Any person with two fucking eyes would know that was a lie.

“Aus, please?”

She leaned heavy on the nicknames when she wanted something. Truthfully, I used to hate any shortened versions of my name. But she made them sound like the best titles you could ever be called. She had to know that they tugged at me because I’d give in to her every time.

As much as I didn’t wanna fucking have a group Christmas with the Grinch himself, if I did give in to her this time - It would distract her from the microscope she had me under and buy me some time while I got back on track. I could handle it myself and she never had to know. She wouldn’t bother me, and I wouldn’t burden her.

“Please Austie? It would mean a lot to me. If it doesn’t go well then… then you never have to come over when he’s there ever again. I promise.”

Plus, who the fuck am I going to spend Christmas with besides her?

I sighed, “Fine.”

“Yay!” She clapped excitedly, bouncing on the couch before tackling me in a hug, “Thank you!”

“No problem.” I grumbled under my breath.

She retracted carefully, “Hey what you got goin’ on today? I’m taking a break from work so, we could go do something?”

“Well I-“ My mind felt like it was buffering, no words seemed to come out no matter how hard I tried.

“It’s a warmer day today, we could take the ferry to Coney?” She suggested.

“Coney Island? In the middle of winter?”

“It didn’t snow today, well at least not a lot.”

“You’re insane.”

“C’mooon it’ll be so fun, we can lay on the beach. Just wear a heavier jacket or something.” She pressed further. 

“The beach! You’ve really lost it. Plus the tourists I-”

“It’s winter! You know Coney is dead out of season.” Practically singing the persuasion.

“Augh, fine.” I gave in, like I always fucking do.

Next Chapter: 21 - Blue M&Ms

As always thank you for any like, comment or reblog. It truly means the world to me - I love seeing others enjoying my lil story & I hearing your thoughts <3

p.s. this chp & the next are the calm before the storm :) lmao