#this cant be a regular thing ill lose my shit

[xullian]

(saw your whole doodle page)

BRO I ATE THT UP?? LIKE YOUR ART IS SO SCRUMPTIOUS SO DEVINE

I don’t want to scream at you(use all caps) BUT I LOVE YOUR ART!! When you make more I just get so excited because it’s just so ????? Indescribable

(Sorry about all the memes but I literally can’t describe how it is any better)

DUDE WHAT???? First off PLEASE YELL AT ME IT MAKES ME SO HAPPY,, SECOND WHAAAATTTT WHATWJATWHATXHCKKD XMEEEE????? ME??? People actually get excited to see my art i mean wh.what? AncjBSJXAO I JUST????? UM THANK YOU SO SO MUCH LIKE ACTUALLY????,,,,,, UGHHHHHH ??? THANK YOU,,,

[sparkdoesart]

More random things. Would anyone happen to have advice on how to help with low motivation to do things..? Preferably before monday,,,, ough

Idk if tumblr will even show people this but here

Prob shouldn't post things like this here, but whatever,,,

[crows-home]

Kotetsu's a bad dad, but also a good dad. He loves his daughter so much. But he's neglectful. He always thinks about Kaede, but he doesn't really know her. Here are some things I've been thinking about that, because holy shit.

Fuck I have so many thoughts about Kotetsu. He's a good person, he's a good hero, he tries his best always. Even if he's embarrassing or is a liability, he's always willing to go. Willing to put himself or his pride at risk for the sake of what's right.

But he's not a good father. Always gone, so focused on his work, that he never sees his daughter. And sure, he loves her a lot. She's his whole world and the reason he pushes himself. But that doesn't negate the fact that Kaede never had a father that was present as she grew up. And all his attempts at connection- his words, his gifts- they all feel so... surface level? "Ill give her a hair pin :) a teddy bear :) my little itty bitty baby girl"

No, buddy. Your daughter grew up. She's not four anymore. You need to communicate with her, learn her interests, and support her. Not just give her presents and empty promises. Not just talk down to her. And I know it's not all his fault. Single father, widow, the fate of so many people on his shoulder on the regular. He's not perfect, has no idea what he's doing, and just desperately wants his daughter to like him. To be proud of him.

But he was the younger sibling, probably didnt have much experience with kids younger than himself. I've seen it before. He's a parent that just wants to be Good Enough. Doesn't want to make the wrong move, and in doing so, is too loose with his parenting. Not confident.

But god, he's his daughter's biggest cheerleader, even on the side.

All Kaede had was her grandmother, who she could lose at any minute, and a dad that would always choose his work over her. She didn't know her dad was a hero, so that's all she saw. It's so much anxiety for a kid, and it makes me sad to think about.

WHICH IS WHY I WAS SO HAPPY WHEN THEY TOUCHED ON IT IN SEASON 2!!! like, Kaede actually calls him out on it!!

"Just neglect me like always. It's all you're good for!"

Fuck, hearing her say that made me flinch. It's true, and he knows it. But by season 2, it feels like Kotetsu's more... mature? I think part of it is Kaede knowing that he's a hero now, so she's not always hurt when he says he has to leave her for a "work emergency." And part of it is knowing that she's growing, she's not a baby, she can handle herself.

It's a hard transition, realizing this kid who used to depend on you to feed them, keep them clean, keep them safe, doesnt need that anymore. Suddenly they're doing things on their own, they dont need constant supervision, and you have to let go and realize that they can keep themself safe. But it's a weight off his shoulders, I think. That realization.

My daughter will be okay. I'm here for her now, if she needs me, but i cant protect her from every little thing, and maybe i dont need to.

its just. he's not perfect. i dont think he was a very good father at all, in the beginning. and Kaede is absolutely allowed to resent him for that. She needed him there, and he wasn't. She's allowed to feel abandoned and alone, even if she knows her father was off saving the world or whatever. it obviously still bugs her, and i'm so glad that was included. Instead of just keeping her as the two dimensional "yay my dad is so cool now that i know he's Wild Tiger! Everything is fine with me now :3"

But they'll both just have to live with it and grow with each other. Kotetsu is becoming a better parent, as best as he can, along with all the other worries he has. Kaede deserved a better father growing up, deserves it still, but is becoming a confident young woman, still navigating through it all.

i dont know how to end this. it just really hit me to see a family dynamic like this. i love it so much, would love to explore this more one day.

[two-calicos-in-a-trenchcoat]

When I was binding my plant book I spent about an hour digging around online to figure out which stitch I would use and researching the different binding methods to figure out what would work best.

I also wanted a good written tutorial for how to do the stitch i ultimately chose (the coptic stitch) because I do not like video tutorials. Unfortunately none of the written tutorials had exactly what I needed. Specifically none of them told you what to do if you ran out of thread before finishing the binding. Their advice was "make sure to cut enough thread from the beginning" which was not going to work for me. While there is a way to measure out how much thread you need, I would likely still need to know how to add more thread. My plant book is quite a bit thicker than the books being made in the tutorials. And I dont know if you've ever tried to hand sew something by hand and thought "ehhh ill just cut off a bunch and hope its enough to do this in one go," but it NEVER works out that way.

DO NOT LISTEN TO THAT VOICE. THAT IS THE DEVIL SPEAKING.

All that will happen is you end up with a giant tangled mess of thread that you can never untangle. And im pretty good at untangling threads but its a pain in the ass and just not something I would like to waste my time on. Not to mention the wasted thread. So I ended up having to watch part of a video tutorial to figure out what I was supposed to do when the thread inevitably ran out. And I told myself that the next time I did this, I would make my own written tutorial with pictures showing what to do and also showing how I reinforce the spine because I go a bit further than any of the tutorials I found.

(Tutorial under the cut)

Most people seem to choose the coptic stitch because they like how it looks and they keep the stitching exposed. While I agree that it looks good, I dont personally like the exposed stitching. I like people to look at my books and be surprised when I tell them I bound them myself. And making a book that looks professionally done accomplishes that. Also I prefer it over the exposed stitching, ALSO I don't use proper bookbinding thread cuz I do this on a budget with stuff I can get at walmart or already have lying around the house and covering the stitching helps reinforce it. I ultimately decided on the coptic stitch partly because it allows the book to lie flat when open, but also because every article I read on different stitches to use said that it was the most complicated one and I looked at that and was like "pffffttt cant be that hard." And honestly I think I was right. Its pretty straightforward.

So what youre gonna need is some paper. Personally, I like to take those sketchbooks that are bound with tape or glue and pull all the pages out. This way you also get a front and back cover.

Again, every tutorial was telling me to fold the pages with a bone fold, which is nice if you have one, I guess, but I do not, so I used the clip on the side of my mechanical pencil to fold the pages in half. If youre using regular sketch paper then you wanna make some signatures which is a group of 4 to 5 sheets of paper, folded in half, and placed inside each other. But for something thicker like watercolor paper, I just sew each individual sheet on separately.

Next, you're gonna wanna take the hard piece of cardboard at the back of the taped together sketchbook and cut that shit in half. I use an exacto knife but ive also used scissors for this in the past. I do not recommend using scissors. Its possible to do but not worth the hand cramps. And then BOOM you have the covers of your sketchbook.

Another thing most people tell you to use is an awl to punch the holes in the paper. Again, I do not have an awl. Nor do I have the money to buy one. At first, I just punched the holes in with a thumbtack but thumbtacks are tiny and after awhile your fingers start to hurt and you may start to lose your grip on it and its just generally a bad time. But, ya bois got a lot of sewing needles (I kept losing them for awhile there and would give up and buy new ones only to then find the pack I lost. So I have like 3 packs of sewing needles.

Thats not counting the ones my mom has also bought because she's done the same thing) and out of frustration from using the thumbtack I decided to try sticking a sewing needle into one of my mechanical pencils and seeing if it would fit and not just immediately push back in when I tried to use it. And what do you fuckin know?

It worked extremely well and I wish id thought of it sooner. I cut the time spent poking holes into the signatures in half and it doesnt hurt my fingers at all.

Youre also going to need thread, of course. I use embroidery thread cuz thats what I already had. Normally you should go for a thicker thread. Preferably a waxed thread. And most people would recommend using a curved sewing needle. This is the one thing im considering getting for myself at some point. You CAN do it with a straight needle but a curved one would definitely make some aspects of this significantly easier.

Now to start off, you wanna take your string and put it in the needle and fold it in half and tie the ends together and then

You wanna thread the needle through the first signature and then

Pull it up through the bottom of the first hole in the cover and loop it around twice and pull it tight

Then push the needle back into the first hole in the paper

And put it through the next hole in the signature

Then repeat that process til you get to the end of the holes. When you get to the last one start like you did with all the others but after wrapping the thread around the cardboard twice you get the next signature

And push it in through the first hole and back out the second (tbc)

[acredb]

you guys are cool

*gives you my everhood au ideas*

spoilers for after arm getting so its after the cut

its very long i apologise

context: at this point, reds killed the forest spirit, the mushrooms, slim jim shroom (the sprunkel fight), the maze monster and gold pig

(this is literally just bc during a playthrough when i got to this point i figured "...yeah, this would hurt them mentally." so i MADE it hurt ;3 ) (they killed gold pig out of spite, they were the only person red WANTED to kill not counting maze monster)

they couldnt bring themself to kill their friends so they quit. they didnt let the lost spirits know that they were quitting the murder rampage, they just did. ofc the lost spirits weren't happy about this, so they started to 'punish' red for this. they appeared in their dreams, *fucked up* their dreams, and every so often one of them would appear and just...lecture them, using their mental state against them, so this hurt

nobody alive knows about them, not even blue

reds become a lot more protective, meaning theyll get mega pissed if someone hurts blue, green learned the hard way (they decided to prank red into thinking theyd killed blue (dumbass) and red almost killed them they were so upset)

a few weeks? go by and red decides theyve had enough of constantly fearing that they'll hurt their friends so they decide 'What's the point of keeping this stupid arm if all it does is hurt people?' and casually drop it into the incinerator where it burns to a crisp

the lost spirits did NOT like that.

(zoom in to read details but im explaining it more so uh) the lost souls got a lot more direct in how they were making red regret this. they appeared in their dreams *every night* instead of just when they felt like, and warped them more and more until red would wake up terrified

the spirits started following them everywhere, always just out of sight. every time red's seperate from the rest of the group, they appear, multiple at once.

this ended up driving red mad, and they go bezerk, running away into the Peaceful Forest (peaceful my ass) because theyre so afraid to hurt their friends now that theyre not taking any chances

because theyre so unstable they act like a scared animal, if they cant run theyll attack. literally the only person they wont try to hurt is blue, because even in their madness they know they care about them too much to hurt them

after a month and couple weeks of looking for them, rasta beast finds them in the forest eventually, very much scuffed. red does the whole regular run away thing, until they get cornered. a small (physical, not dance) fight breaks down, rasta fighting back in self defense, until they manage to knock some sense into red. for the first time in a while, red's comforted

this does nothing for their fractured mind, but it gives rasta beast a *little* more protection, because they can snap red out of it for even just a couple minutes

rasta beast goes back and tells the others (everyone hangs around prof.orange's lab cause protection) and prof.orange wants to get red into the lab maybe to study them or something so he sends green and purple mages to get them cause theyre magical and shit

after a mad goose chase the two lose red, but green finds some gnomes (the psychadelic ones) and asks them to get red high out of their mind so they and purple can bring them to orange

(little about the gnomes in this au, they can emmit pheromones that stimulate the mind like weed does because there is NO WAY red wasnt high for 'you want gnomes'. also whenever red is high theyre too overwhelmed to do anything so they eventually just flop over and see god until it wears off, which is why green got the gnomes)

it works and now purple and green are bickering about the morality of the drugging while dragging a practically passed out red to the lab

(ive come up with everything until this point, ill make a part 2 whenever i add to this)

(oh yeah and i forgot to mention but prof.orange has a machine and using it seperated pink and red so the vessel is sentient and the soul lives, orange also made a machine that translates some of red' thoughts into audible sound, they were so fucking happy when they heard their voice they cried)

[kidkintsugi]

tw de*th

my uncle and grand-uncle (my grandpas brother? idk the term for that tbh) passed last week. both from cancer as far as i know

i dont feel anything at this point, i havent been this dissociated in a long time.

however, i do care about my mom. shes always been a very emotional person so i tried to take care of her as best as i could. the second i heard the news of my uncle i rushed to get the next train home.

my aunt (not the wife of my dead uncle, a different one) is a bitch; she makes money her first priority. she is putting pressure on us because my grandpa should pay for funeral costs in her opinion. my grandpa may be slightly senile but he still knows that she doesnt have his best interest at heart. my grandpa is also still mourning; he lost his son and brother in only 2 days. my aunt has nothing else to worry about and keeps talking shit about my family and my mom in the city. idc about her anymore, she also doesnt accept me so im certainly not gonna help her.

my uncles passing has some mystery to it (not really im just coping). from what it seems like, he told the doctor not to tell his family about his cancer. he didnt want us to worry, and i respect that decision, but it makes my mom so much more upset. i dont know what to do, i am not good with things like these.

my friend who ive been talking a lot about is about to fail our semester because he cant get help anywhere due to his illness. hes missing classes due to migraines. theres no available doctors in our area and he currently has no way to pay for regular train trips. my parents say i shouldnt worry about him but hes one of the very few people i met in this new city that dont get on my nerves so i am afraid to lose him.

he also implied that he thinks about what it would be like to date me which grossed me out. i wish we can just stay friends, he knows how i dont like this type of shit. maybe he thinks i didnt hear him.

[creativebrainrot]

so im gonna explain every ones place in the story so u know whats up cause instead of the commander doin Everything, i split responsibilities across the cast of my blorbos

Louis(he/him) is Aurene's Champion, and spent most of his time during HoT in Auric Basin with Caithe and the occasional visit from Pyrs, his husband.

Belial(they/them) is the commander, and plans most of the campaigns against the dragons alongside the marshal, Trahearne. Who is alive because of Louis, his closest friend. (Trahearne has a scar on his arm, Louis, a scar on his leg. Both scars from the same event; saving Trahearnes life, who in turn saved Louis'.)

Pyrs(He/Him) is a Vigil Warmaster, his connection to the main plot is through Louis.

Sugyn(He/Her) isnt around for PoF. shes in kryta doing whispers dragon fight preperations. she'll show up later.

Dragon's Watch is a question im still asking myself, i dont know where they fit in, or whether or not i want to go the sad route (they never reconcile leaving their guild torn apart.) or the less sad route (they reconcile and are allies of the pact who help but from a bit of a distance) or maybe they reconcile but HoT tears them apart again and they never fix the second rift between them.

OKAY BACK TO GWYN so Regular PoF stuff- he's Belial's bodyguard & desert guide. He's helping them and the pact get the lay of the land, locate the threats, talk to refugees etc etc. All that stuff goes normal. (ill elaborate on details when im rambling about the others if i do that) They get to the riverlands. and this legendary bounty hunter who knows a fuckton about the desert seemingly from experience if his scars AND knowledge are anything to go by, says, "ok thats where i tap out. good luck." and Belial is like.

"what. the fuck. do you Mean?" He wont elaborate but says something like "ive pissed off the awakened enough thanks if i set foot in there its over id rather not thanks." belial is like "?? okay so we use mesmer magic to hide u then yeah??" and he's like " n o . theyll fuckin Know dude im not risking it."

So Belial, local GremlinBastard(TM) who Notices Things thinks to themself ("we cant lose this dude hes way too interesting and useful. he might even be from an elonian tree he has GOT to stick around. trahearne eyed him a bit when i first recruited him.... >>:} i know what im doing-") "Hey bro you wanna be the marshal's bodyguard instead?????"

and he goes "no. now pay me so i can fuck off." belial tells him the marshal can pay u even better than me and we could really use your help, you could help a lot of people here in elona if you do. so his final answer is "-squint- ill think about it." an' Belial's like "GOT 'IM!! im so good at this shit, dude!!!" on the inside.

THE FIRST PART

ITS PACT TIME!!!! PATH OF FIRE LETS GO!!!!

SO gwynnie is full on The Desert Beast when The Pact lands. just this legendary concept of a bounty hunter. the Idea of him is enhanced because the majority of people in elona (like 99%) have no clue what a "sylvari" is so gwyn has that lil extra spice to his legend.

theres the cavaliers who are annoyed by his presence for not following the laws, being respected as the one who really keeps amnoon safe, and generally being very curt with the local "law enforcement"

theres the people who are frightened of him more because of the legends "this big ass scary mfer is gonna keep us SAFE?????? NO. D: youve heard how dangerous he is!!!!" and theyre a smaller amount than

the people who think "hes pretty cool :)" the ones whove been helped by him and seen him help others. stuff like helping people reach amnoon, getting people in need clothes, water, food, toys for their children, healthcare for themselves, loved ones and their pets etc etc. hes a very good boi where ever he can be.

all this to say, its very confusing for the commander (Belial) when they land to sort out the legends they hear about him. Belial is of course like "oh shit well this is a lot of variety i gotta know whats up with this guy"

gettin ahead of myself- The Pact lands. Initially its just the commander and a small Pact force to see Whats Up and Happening around. The intro to PoF happens, Belial spends two weeks there gathering intel and sends a letter back to the Marshal, everybody else shows up.

Belial in those two weeks heard a bit of everything about this desert beast guy and thinks "bet i could hire him to guide me through this fucky unstable desert." One night when they're walking around amnoon with company (Trahearne, Louis, Pyrs) they spot a dude at the bounty boards and think

">:} das da guy. Nows my Chance" and strike up a conversation. He seems very uninterested in whatever Belial's On About until they say the amount they're willing to pay him. RICH gremlin. like, better than some royals have paid him for a single bounty.

(in the background of this trahearne and pyrs are like"....so thats a sylvari guy???? right??? How :0" and louis is already thinking up Priory Interview Questions but he's also very tired. All three have noticed that he was completely unphased by Belial, a fucking 1.5 foot tall ASURA. someone, theoretically, hes never seen before. also have noticed that he wears elonian clothing, and his voice sounds like a Sylvari's voice but hes picked up the local accent a bit.)

Belial hires him at a very expensive rate because they do not care at all about money BUT THIS DUDE!! he interesting gotta know more!!! ex-Grand Magister Moment. Louis and Trahearne are like "hey. hey. hey belial???? did you vet him at all?????" because they did not mention the beast or his numerous legends in either of their report letters. and belial is like "😎 no i did not. that would fuck up The Experience(tm)" and then Louis & Trahearne go "why are you like this"

[simpsiren]

to have and have not.

lee taeyong x reader

“losing me is better than losing you.” - losing you, wonho

main masterlist

description. being close friends with the leader of one of the biggest korean gangs in the underworld wasnt already tough, a big situation falls into your laps that only makes your bond with him even stronger, and maybe perhaps having love to bloom in the process.

genre. mafia au, fwb to lovers au,

warnings. none except for a lot of shooting cudndn

word count. 6,733

a/n. here's a taeyong x reader ff i came up with. its not much but i still hope youll enjoy it :D

lee taeyong. most people, or rather regular people would have a shiver sent down their spine if they heard this name, even if they didnt know how the man looked like. taeyong was, and still currently is very well known in the underworld, but above it as well. he's a well known gang leader amongst all the other gangs that work under one man, mr david chong. basically the mafia boss trumping above all gangs. the police have never been able to catch him, no matter how hard they tried. the policemen would either get shot and killed one by one due to his great ability of using a mere pistol, or would just be killed by taeyong's gang members before taeyong would even appear in their sight. all in all, lee taeyong was a scary man in many ways. not to you though. you found him interesting.

when you were caught hostage by one of the gangs along with one other women you didnt know, and you have the great lee taeyong to get you out of there and have you work under him for debt in a way, you did owe him a lot when a bullet was mere seconds awayfrom going through your brain. you found out that the women who know work under taeyong as well is named val. now, you didnt have much work to do honestly, you would be lounging around in the arcade basement most of the time. you were only told to do small tasks that wasnt that horrifying in any way.

"im dying of boredom!" you whined as you sat up from the very comfortable velvrt couch and faced yuta, who was off duty for tonight. "doesnt boss have anything he needs me to do? i wonder why he even took me in" you folded your arms and rolled your eyes as you let your body slouch and sink into couch. "no one is doing anything right now M. the boss is trying to plan something big from what i hear." yuta shrugged as he took a sip of his vodka. all the members in the gang call you either mal or m, it was a shortened version of your long second name malvisko and you liked being called mal. "yeah well fuck that. im gonna go sleep." you stood up from the couch and waved a small goodbye to yuta before exiting the arcade basement to head to your bedroom, or not.

you tip toed across the halls, making sure no one sees the fact that youre slowly making your way to the boss's office. you arrived at the door without being seem by anyone and right before you were about to open the door, you see jaehyun, taeyong’s right hand man. you looked up to meet his gaze. “you’re here to see mr lee?” you nodded slowly, intimidated by how cold he looks, but no one can beat the gaze of taeyong. “he’s currently feeling stress. try to calm him down a little.” he pats your shoulder before walking past you and disappearing into the hallway. the only person who knows your true relationship with taeyong was jaehyun, and you consider him to be a friend more than a colleague.

you stepped into the room and closed the door behind you. you see taeyong behind his desk with his laptop. he wore his wearing casual attire, which was a hoodie and sweatpants, along with his glasses. you see papers scattered across the table. you slowly walked up to stand beside taeyong. “hey, tae. how’s work going for you?” you placed your hand underneath taeyong’s chin and kisses his cheek lightly. taeyong sighed and took off his glasses and rubbed his temples. “almost all gangs are now working under bishop. what’s worse is that he’s working for that idiot david chong.”

you placed both your hands on his shoulders and massaged them gently as you bit your lip, not entirely sure of what to say. “that sounds pressurising.” you whispered. taeyong scoffed in response. “im going to take revenge on them for killing my brother. he wasnt even involved in this shitshow. ill figure something out.”

you knew about taeyong’s past. you knew that he has worked under mr david chong since he was little but decided rebel, leaving to start his own gang. but now, mr david chong wants him back and will do anything to do so. taeyong is a “precious specimen” as what mr david chong kept calling him. a man who was extremely smart and living in a monstrous world, he did everything he could to survive. it only made his instincts so much stronger. taeyong was like a wild beast in a wild forest, not many were able beat him. you felt honourable for the fact that taeyong lets you know his past. the other members know about it as well, but not as much as you did.

“rest tonight, tae. i want you to sleep.” you leaned forward from behind and whispered into his ear, gently planting light kisses down his neck. taeyong sighed once more and pulled your hand from your shoulder and turned his chair to face you. taeyong pulls you to sit on his lap. “now’s not the time to be doing stuff like that. im sure you know that well.” taeyong glares at you with his piercingly dangerous eyes. you giggled softly, resting your hands on his chest. "i was just advising you to rest, nothing more." you winked teasingly. taeyong scoffed in response and made you stand up. he walked past you and towards the bed, falling onto it almost instantly. you followed suit and sat beside him at the edge of the bed. "youre right. i have a ton of things to do tomorrow." taeyong covers his eyes with his forearm. "im having jaehyun guard you while im away too. its getting dangerous with a whole army of high ranked psychos coming for me. theyll definitely go for those i most treasure before capturing me."

you took a deep breath. "be careful alright? come back to me safe." taeyong chuckled, shaking his head as he sat up straight, going close to you and pecking your lips. "cant exactly do that without having either a bullet in me or a broken rib, but ill come back alive." taeyong wraps his arm around you and pulls you in for a quick kiss before pulling away. "now go. i dont want my men suspecting anything." you nodded and stood up and walked to the door. before you walked through the door, you went back to taeyong to give one last kiss before leaving him for the night.

you were walking down the dimly lit when you suddenly bumped into someone. you looked up to notice it was jeno. one of the younger guys in the gang. "what were you doing boss's office?" jeno asked innocently. you licked your lips nervously, trying to quickly think up an answer. "its fine. i know what you are to him." jeno folded his arms as he smirked widely in a teasing manner. you quickly looked around, making sure you and him were alone. "no one is to hear that you know. im just his friend.. with benefits." you whispered to jeno. jeno giggled. "sure mal. anything you say." he mocked you. "shut it. if taeyong knows that you know he'll probably threaten you to keeo quiet. its good enough that im already warning you." you rolled your eyes and before you were about to make a turn towards another hallway, you look at jeno's way and pressed your index finger to your lip.

you headed to your room and slept as perusual. lucky for you, nothing happened to you that night. taeyong is always scaring you by saying that anyone can kidnap you in the middle of the night, at any time. but god knows taeyong would never let that happen. when you wake up in your large bedroom in your large bed, you looked towards the coffee table to see jaehyun sitting on the comfortable chair, drinking coffee and using his phone. you signalled jaehyun by coughing, making him look your way immediately. "good morning, miss." you sat up from your bed and yawned, turning your head to the full body mirror beside your bed and seeing how terrible you looked. you slipped out of your soft white mattress and grabbed the silk robe, wearing it on before walking over to the coffee table.

“i told you. you didn’t have to call me miss. im your colleague for shit.” you said as you took a seat across jaehyun. he placed the cup of coffee he had in his hand on the table. “sorry, mal. im just used to calling you miss since you have a strong relationship with taeyong.” jaehyun doesn’t look up at you as he quickly glanced his eyes over the words on the newspaper. “jeez im telling you. we’re just friends with benefit. nothing more.” you huffed and folded your arms, slouching into the seat. “by the way, apparently jeno knows about me and taeyong. just keep an eye on him.” you grabbed the cup of tea that was on the table and took a sip. “the gang will be in an uproar if word gets around” you whispered, staring down at your drink. “i will.” jaehyun simply said.

you carried on with your day. most of the gang members are out today. probably because of the big plan that taeyong is doing. he probably also has some gang members to follow him. jaehyun would be with taeyong most of the time but he needed to take care of you since taeyong trusts him with you the most. you could understand. they had a long history together.

“can we please go grocery shopping and cook homemade food? im tired of buying take out.” you whined as you stabbed the fork into the friend chicken that you ordered from kfc. jaehyun took a sip of coca cola and hummed. “im not sure if its safe mal. taeyong wouldn’t want you to be wondering around in public.” you pursed your lips. “but i have you to protect me.” you pouted at jaehyun. he raised his eyebrow in disgust and sighed. “ill call taeyong and ask him.” you shouted a loud yay which made jaehyun flinch back, using his finger to cover his ear as he rolled his eyes and took out his phone to call taeyong. you were trying to hear his conversation with taeyong at the other end of the line by placing your ear close to jaehyun’s phone. you smiled as jaehyun ended the call. “alright. get ready to go. ill wait outside the room.”

you nodded happily as closed the door when jaehyun walked out, skipping your way towards your wardrobe and picking out a simple outfit to go to the supermarket. you made sure you hair looked neat and grabbed your purse and walked out to meet jaehyun. jaehyun leads you out of the hideout and gestured you to get into the car. taeyong normally rode this car but for some reason he chose to take another one to run his errands. you waited as jaehyun gets into the driver’s seat and starts driving to the nearest supermarket.

you two arrived at the supermarket. you realised that it wasnt at all crowded since it was practically 3am in the morning. you only see a few high school students around buying a snack and headed out in a flash. jaehyun helped with pushing the trolley while you picked out ingredients to make jjajangmyeon. you figured that it would be best to make a big batch so that the rest could be saved as leftovers for the other members when they come back in the morning for breakfast. jaehyun kindly offered to pay and the both of you headed out of the supermarket, with jaehyun carrying the groceries.

“thanks for taking me out. its nice to take in some fresh air instead of being couped up in the hideout." you turned towards jaehyun to give him a bright smile but later noticed that jaehyun was looking around suspiciously, his eyes scanning around his surroundings as if the scanner in his mind has detected danger somewhere near you two. you kept quiet for moment, getting scared and you slowly got close to jaehyun. "get down!" jaehyun screamed at you, dropping the groceries and he wrapped his arm around you and drags you to hide behind the car when suddenly a bullet was fired to your direction. you froze, tilting your head up to see jaehyun quickly pulling out his gun from his back pocket, arms streched out to the ground, ready to shoot any second. "its a fucking sniper." jaehyun whispered to you as he looked up towards the buuildings oposite the car, trying to find which building the sniper was stationed at. you didnt know what to do, you were afraid, scared, many feelings were flowing through you. all you could do was look down at the ground, and trust jaehyun with whatever he was doing.

"we're going to get in the car and im going to drive us out of here before the sniper can take another hit, got it? just get into the car as quick as possible and duck down. make sure that he wont be able to see you through the window." you nodded as you quickly processed jaehyun's instructions. "on my signal." jaehyun had his eyes glued on the tall buildings, it was late at night so you could barely see anything, you could never imagine how jaehyun was even able to spot the sniper.

"now!" you immdiately opened the door and got inside the car, closing the door and ducking your body down so as to not be see through the winodw. jaehyun hopped into the driver's seat in a flash and started up the car. you were panting nervously as you felt the car moving at high speed. you heard another bullet being shot at the back of the car. you whinced as you tilted your head up to see jaehyun with his phone beside him, his phone being placed on speaker mode as he called taeyong. "something happened. a sniper tried to shot mal. im heading back to the hideout now." jaehyun said. you heard taeyong shouting a loud 'fuck' before hanging up the call. jaehyun kept silent as he drove you back to the hideout in full speed. in less than 10 minutes, the car was put to a stop. you hugged your purse and you started slowly sitting back up. you looked at jaehyun, who's head and eyes were scanning the area again. jaehyun got out the car and walked to your door, opening it and signaled you to get out, you continues hugging you purse to your chest tightly as you quickly ran towards the hideout and got inside, with jaehyun following you behind.

you took deep breaths and watched jaehyun you looked extremely wary yet calm and collected. you were almost killed and jaehyun looked chill, although you doubt he felt like it. "taeyong's coming. wait for him in the main area." you folowed his instructions and took a seat in the couch of the main area, which basically consisted of a single couch and a very large table. the main area is where everyone would gather if they needed to plan something together, like breaking into a house and sorting out the escape routes etc. you werent part of those meetings but you were always there at the doorframe to see what taeyong and the others were talking about.

you took out your phone, not seeing any messages. you sighed and shoved your phone bac into your purse. it didnt take long for taeyong to come rushing through the door and placing himself on the couch, sitting down beside you and hugging you tightly. you nervously placed your arms around him, seeing the other members aloqly coming into the room. you let out a soft 'uh' into taeyong's ear, signalling taeyong to pull away from you since there were many eyes on you, wierded out that taeyong is being way too touchy with a gang member.

taeyong immediately noticed you hint and pulled away, coughing as he walked toward the huge table and slammed bot his arms down. "bishop is coming, in no time, theyll find out about our hideout and attack." the gang members begin to gather around the table. jaehyun however was standing with his arms folded behind the couch. "splint into groups and disperse. we cant be gathering in big groups like this. leaders take charge." you see the leaders of the sub groups, which were taeil, winwin and johnny nodding their heads to their boss. "those under me. stay low. dont do anything reckless. although it applies to everyone so." taeyong shrugged and sighed, rubbing his temples. "okay thats all. everyone head out tomorrow morning. im calling the leaders in the future to give further orders."

everyone said their goodbyes and exited the room one by one. jaehyu was the last one to stand at the door and before heading out, he gave a look to taeyong, which taeyong responded with a nod and walked out, closing the door behind hi and leaving you and taeyong alone in the main area. taeyong turned towards you and took a seat beside you, looking at you up and down. "im so glad youre safe." taeyog brings his hand uo to cup your cheek and frowned slightly and hugged him tight, digging your face into his chest. taeyong held you close and strokes your hair slowly and placed a kiss on the top of your head. "im not gonna let you go out without me or jaehyun anyore. i cnt imagine what woud happen if you went out alone." taeyong whispered as he pulled away, looking at your face before pulling you into a deep kiss. he pulled himself away from you. "you must be shock from that. im letting you sleep in my room."

you nodded slowly and stood up, following taeyong out of the main area and to his bedroom, which is basically his office. he lets you go inside first and closed the door behind him. he immediately unbottoned his white button up shirt, taking it off and throwing it at the edge of the bed and took a seat on the bed. "why are you so dressed up? you only went to the supermarket." taeyong commented as his eyes scanned you up and down, your outfit looking too bold for going somewhere simple in the middle of the night. "its not often i get to go out of this place. i just wanted to look good." yoy stripped your clothes off till you were in your bra and underwear. you placed your clothes where taeyong's shirt was and picked up his shirt to put it on. "you look nice in my shirt."

you giggled you walked over to the bed and layed down beside taeyong. taeyong cuddled you close, your leg over his and you burry your head deep into his neck. "im going to keep you safe from now on." teyong said, planting kisses on your shoulder. "thats not what a 'friend' says you know." taeyong lets out a 'tsk' before closing his eyes. "sleep," taeyong muttered. you smiled softly and kissed his cheek one last time before falling asleep. to be honest, you didnt know what was yor relationship with taeyong. for now, you only wanted to think of taeyong as your friend with benefit. besides, how can a gang keader even have time to fall in love. you were only there to comfort him, seeing his soft side. you felt that his actions says more than what your relationship with him is, but you chose to not let you imagination wonder too far. you liked taeyong, but you never wanted to interfere with his work by having a relationship with him, thinking that you would be a burden.

the next morning you woke up to see taeyong who just got out of the shower. you yawned and sat up straight, waiting taeyong who’s abs were out in the open, immediately diverting your eyes to it. “you’ve seen it plenty of times but you’re always staring at it like its your first time.” taeyong said calmly. you blinked your eyes and gaze your eyes up at taeyong who was drying his hair with a small towel. you blushed and stood up from the bed. “i cant help it.” you shrugged and begin to unbutton taeyong’s shirt which you slept in and slipped into your own clothes. before you walked out to head to your own room, taeyong pulls you to him by the waist in a swiftly motion and planted a kiss on your lips. “shower and get ready by 9 at the main area. im having a meeting which you need to be there for.” you smiled soft and interlocked your hands with his before letting go and heading out to your room.

you quickly showered and changed your outfit into a more comfortable one, merely only wearing a hoodie and sweatpants. you shoved your phone into your back pocket and and shoved your hands into the sides of your hoodie and walked your way over to the main room.

when you arrived, you see the members that are grouped to be under taeyong standing around. you noticed that taeyong has yet to arrive. you see jeno hanging around the corner with jaemin. you headed over to them, since they’re the only ones you would consider close to. “mal! how was last night? did you have fun?” jeno asked, tilting his head and grinning widely with the smile of a cheshire cat. you furrowed your eyebrows and slapped his should, making him flinch back as he let out a hiss. jaemin looked at the both of you, confused. “what happened last night?” jaemin questioned you. you shook your head with a smile. “oh its nothing. i just played cod with mark last night.” you glared at jeno who still had his smile on. you rolled your eyes and folded your arms. just how does he know everything? you thought to yourself.

you heard the door open, revealing taeyong in a ravishingly beautiful slick black suit. you clicked your tongue in amusement as you eyed him. what’s the occasion for him to be dressing this good? “great everyone’s here. let’s walk through what’s going to happen tonight.” tonight? what is taeyong going to do? is this what he worked long hours for? you listened attentively as taeyong talked about the plan to the members. you were in awe. you weren’t mentioned in the whole plan at all. why did you have to be here? “this needs to be pulled off properly if we’re going to beat that shit. got it? mal, i just need you to stay with me.” taeyong said as he turned his head to the back to face you. you widened your eyes and nodded quickly. “we head out at 12am sharp.” with that, taeyong walked out of the room, leaving everyone to do their own things.

jaemin chuckled. “this is going to be fun.” jaemin said in a sing-song tone. “the fuck is so good about killing a bunch of people jaemin?” you took your phone out to check the time, realising that they had the meeting for four hours and its already 1 in the afternoon. “its the chaos that excites me.” jaemin winked at you, laughing sinisterly and shoved his hands in his trousers and walked out with his shoulders laid back. “he’s only being sadistic. its fine.” you looked at him with a weirded out face. he snorts and jerked your arm with his elbow. “chill m. he’s just joking with you.” members slowly started going out of the main area. you decided to hang out at the arcade area.

the whole day went by quick since you were on your phone the entire time and once it was beginning to get close to 12am. the place started to get hectic with everyone preparing their guns and maing sure they have everything ready before moving out. you however, were just waiting in the main area. you figured that everyone would gather there first so you decided to get your lazy ass out of the arcade room and to the main area.

one by one, members started coming in. you see everyone, including jeno and jaemin with a pistol in hand. you have handled those before but your aiming really sucked. no one in the gang can compare to taeyong's gun skills though. his precision is so good he can shoot someone right in the center of their forehead from such long distances. he liked using old fashioned guns that were different from what the others had since he was more comfortable with it.

by 12am sharp as promised, everyone has gathered in the main area.taeyong gave one last look to all the members and everyone nodded their heads and exited the room swiftly, leaving you, taeyong and jaehyun.

"jaehyun's going to drive us to the mansion. after that, im not letting you out of my sight. got it?" you hummed in response as the three of you proceeded as planned, getting in the car immediately after getting out of the hideout and headed to david chong's mansion.

when you arrived, the car was right in front of the entrance of the mansion. you look through the window andnoticed how extravagant it looked. it looked rich, like it costed millions of dollars, but that is what to be expected from a mafia boss who has money rolling in every second. taeyong asked you to stay put in the car while jaehyun and taeyong got out of the car to talk to the two security guards that were standing at two sides of the entrance and heavily armed with multiple guns strapped on their black vests. taeyong and jaehyun were being checked by the two security guards to avoid having any guns being pointed at david chong, well that made sense.

not long after, jaehyun opened the door of the car and taeyong stood in front of you before grabbing you by the arm and getting you out. you were being pulled to the entrance. the security guards immediately scanning you up and down. "the fuck you looking at my girlfriend for? she's unarmed dont worry." taeyong hissed at them, making them click their tongues and allowing you and teyong to enter, along with jaehyun following behind. did taeyong called you his girlfriend? well that was unexpected.

upon entry, you see a huge grand room which two large sets of stairs on either side, leading and connected together to the second floor, to which a old men stepped out of the shadows of the dimly lit room. "lee taeyong. been awhile since ive seen you in the mansion." taeyong only kept silent, his seemingly cold blooded gaze on david chong. right now, taeyong looked extremely intimidating. although you werent scared by him the first time you met him, this was different. it felt as thoug even his gaze can kill soeone out of fear.

"come back home, taeyong. ill take you under my wing again, and youll live the finest life ever." david chong said. you observed him closely. you thought he looked like those males that become more ugly the more they age. "like hell i would." taeyong said. suddenly, david chong's eyes turned to you. you widened your eyes in fear, but tried to look calm and collected. "who is this beautiful and precious young lady?" he tilted his head and the smiled widly. you were disgusted by the old man was eyeing you right now. taeyong puts a hand on your shoulder. "you remember her right? the girl that your snipers tried to get." the old man started to climb down the stairs. taeyong watching his every step. david chong eventually ended up standing in front of you.

"looking up close, she's more pretty than i thought. could be of use to me." the old man come up close to you, way too close. he placed his thumb on your chin, tilting your head up and he examined your face. your eyes went to taeyong, who instantly pulled you away from him, making you stand behind him. "dont fucking touch her." the old man responded with a loud chuckle. "protective as always. i really did raise you up well." david chong kept his eyes on you. you could tell that taeyong would have ripped his neck open by now, but he kept calm regardless of the overflowing rage at how close david was getting to you.

"how about this? lets arrange a deal." david said, folding his arms in front of him as he stood a foot away from taeyong, who only stared at him fiercely. "i have the girl, and you get your freedom." you widened your eyes, gaze immediately switching from david to taeyong, constantly going back and forth. you felt jaehyun's presense from behind coming closer. "so i dont need your ugly ass and your men tailing my every move if i let her be one your your billions of prostitutes." taeyong raised and eyebrow and laughed histerically, making him look the only crazy one in the room. his eyes grew dark soon after. "try that and you wont see the light of day. though i think today is the last time you ever will." taeyong's eyes glanced to the side where it was dark and in a split second, a gun slided on the floor from the darkness and was in taeyong's arm. immediately, all the members got out from lurking in the darkness, guns all pointed towards david. however, david's men, including bishop's group, appeared on the second floor.

you looked around you in shock, overwhelmed by how much has happened in the blink of an eye. you moved back slightly, feeling jaehyun's hand on your back which made you feel a little safe. you see taeyong pointing his gun towards david's head, to which david responded with a low chuckle. "what, you want to kill me? i have many gangs under me. i could get you devoured in a second." you hear jaehyun letting out a huff as a gun was tossed to him as well. "im not that dumb please."

taeyong wraped his arm around david's neck and turned around to face biship's gang at the second floor. "move and he dies." taeyong shouted, tightening his grip on david's neck. you could tell that bishop's gang members were irritated and taken aback by what taeyong did. taeyong gestured his head towards winwin, who the signalled his gang to go up to the second floor.

"drop your guns." winwin said to the group of men. they were about to put their guns on the floor when a bullet was fired at winwin's shoulder, who immediately whinced in pain. the whole room became a chaos as bishop's gang started to attack. you froze in fear. taeyong shot david in the leg and turned around to look at you. without realising, you see jaehyun on the floor with bishop's members surrounding him. one of the men grabbed you and placed your hands behind your back, tightening his grip. you stared at taeyong with widened eyes, too scared to do anything. you tried to get away from the man's grasp, but clrly you werent strong enough to go against him. you see someone coming up from behind taeyong. "taeyong behind you!" it was too late. taeyong was knocked down unconscious. "taeyong!" you cried out, trying you best to get to taeyong, but you couldnt. you cried as you saw taeyong's body fell to the ground. you realised jaehyun was unconscious as well. it didnt take long for them to knock you out soon after realising the situation you were in.

your eyes fluttered open. you tried to move but realised you were tied up with your hands behind your back and your legs tied together as well. you looked around, trying to process where you were at. it looked like a basement of some sort. the walls looked old and moldt and there was nothing else around you other than taeyong and jaehyun. you started wondering where your other members were at. you wiggled your way towards taeyong who's body was still and wasnt that far away from you. you tried to wake him up by bumping your head on his chest. it didnt take him long to wake up. "mal. fuck they caught us." taeyong muttered under breath as he woke jaehyun up by kicking jaehyun's leg. jaehyun looked around. you saw jaehyun's ear twitch suddenly. he leaned towards the door. "they're coming." jaehyun said. the room fell silent as the door flew open, revealing david alone, walking in. "look at you. i thought you were stronger than this taeyong." david bent down to meet taeyong's eye level. taeyong turned his head away.

"so whats it going to be? the girl, or you?" david walked over to you and grabbed you by the collar and lifted you up, his head getting close to your neck and he took in your scent. you bite your lip and tilted your head away, struggling to kick him away. "smells like money to me." david chuckled. taeyong and jaehyun both hissed at him like snakes. david acted scared, letting out a "woah." sarcastically. "you got one hour to decide. also.." bishop suddenly appeared at the entrance of the door and walked over to taeyong. "pleasure seeing you again." bishop said to taeyong. "to think you would be dumb enough to team up with david. go to hell." taeyong argued. "i thinnk youre the one going to hell, when i torture you to death." bihsop instantly pulls out a night and placed it at taeyong's neck. jaehyun tried to kick it away but to no avail. "im having him torture you while you decide. have fun." with that, david dropped you back to the ground, and left the room. you heard him lock it, just great.

"now, what are we going to do with you three?" bishop romved the knife from taeyong's neck and circled around the three of you. "all we wanted to do was take david's money and bring him to the police for fuck sake." taeyong said as he rolled his eyes. "you shouldnt let me know your plan, idiot." bishop commented when he stopped behind you, pulling your hair, making you whince. "tell me, you ever had sex before?" your raised an eyebrow and kept your mouth shut. "not going to reply i see." out of nowhere, bishop connected his lips with yours and tried kissing you, but you didnt let him, still struggling to get out of his grasp. "get away from her!" taeyong shouted as jaehyun kicked bishop in the stomach with his legs. you fell down and coughed in disgust. bishop laughed, standing up and squat down infront of you. you spit in his face and stared him in the eyes. "fiesty. i see why david could have fun with her." bishop whispered. the only thing you could think about was how furious taeyong looked, his eyes burning in anger.

"well, i didnt come here to torture taeyong so, ill be on my way now." bishop suddenly carried you bridal style. you screamed taeyong and jaehyun's names as you were being carried way from them and out of the room. taeyong looked into your eyes, nodding his head as to signal that you will be fine, and that he'll find a way to get to you. you could only trust him when the door closed, removing taeyong and jaehyun out of your sight.

you didnt know where you being being carried to. you tried to stay calm, but your breathing was completely unstable. bishop noticed how you were acting. "calm down, im only keeping you for myself, i only worked with david to get my hands on you." bishop opened a door and entered the room. it was a bedroom, a good looking one at that, fitting the theme of the whole mansion. "what are you going to do with me?" you asked him, your voice cracking. bishop throws you on the bed and gets on top of you, you shivered as his hand touched your cheek, admirj g your face. "you'll find out soon, love." with that, bishop gets off the bed and walked out the room and locked you in. you looked around, trying to find any possible way to escape. there wasnt a window to escape through and you were unable to come uo with any ideas. you cried as you hugged yourself on the bed, you didnt know what to do. you were away from taeyong. who knows what could happen to you. you cried and cried till your eyes became dry and extemely red.

bishop hasnt come back for awhile now. you closed your eyes and tried to control your breathing, taking in deep breathes to try and calm yourself down, though it was very difficult. you didnt realise you were crying too much to the point where you fell asleep.

you woke up. you werent in the room this time. you looked around, you looked to be in a car. you turned to the front to see jaehyun and taeyong in the front seats, with taeyong driving. "great youre awake. we're heading home, not the hideout though." taeyong said with a monotoned voice. how did you get out? did you fell unconscious or something? you were in bishop's room the last time you were awake. you fell asleep again, too tired to think or even bother to ask yourself questions.

soon, you felt arms carrying you out the car. you fluttered your eyes open to meet taeyong's. he placed a soft kiss at the top fo your head. taeyong carried you to a rundown looking house. the wood on the walls were filled with mold, but it appeared to still be a suitabe place for a hideout. you were placed on a bed and taeyong sat down beside you. he hugged you tightly, and you hugged him back, fully embracing his presence. he plants soft kisses on your neck. you pulled yourself closer to him. "is everyone safe?" you asked with eyes of concern.taeying pulled away from you and smiled softly. "everyone is fine, a few wounded but the doctors are handling that." taeyong pulled you in your a kiss. you wrapped your arms around his neck, while his was placed securedly on your waist. taeyong pulled away and sighed. "im sorry i couldnt protect you." taeyong whispered as he grabbed your hands and places them both on your lap, rubbing your skin lightly with his thumb. you layed a kiss on the side of his lips. "its fine, i was scared, but i knew you would come for me." you smiled softly, trying not to break down again in front of taeyong to make him feel worse.

"i love you." taeyong said. you widened your eyes. "you do?" taeyong hummed and nodded his head in response. you placed your forehead against his. "so we arent friends with benefits?" you asked him again. taeyong gave you wierded out look. "since when were we friends with benefits. i thought you knew that i liked you." you chuckled softly. "you should know youre the kind of person that cant express his feelings well." you commented. taeyong only frowned, to which to kissed it away. "ill keep you safe from now on, no matter what. losing me is better than losing you." taeyong hugged you once again.

after that crazy experience you had, you learned a few things. one, that taeyong was now yours. you didnt have to hide your feelings for him, and the members were apparently happy for you two. well, taeyong would propably rage if anyone opposed it anyways. and two, that you were able to trust taeyong full heartedly. with his strength, you know that he would do anything to keep you safe.

[littlebabycrybtch]

honestly its still so heart dropping and disgusting to continue to see aspec ppl have to put on that like. trained, overly polite, overly passive, complete Lack Of Self Respect tone that forces a sense of ‘i know i dont matter’ just so they dont get completely automatically ground into dust when they go out on a limb and ask ppl they wanna interact with; ‘hey please dont start anything but can you just let me know if you’re an aphobe or not’ and its Still met with soo much mockery and disbelief almost every time like....... bro what even is there not to understand. you’re literally being the proof of why they have to ask abt it i cannot Fathom that kind of Blindness like lmfao bitch they just dont wanna be around some1 who hates them.... thats .. normal... thats human?? thats human behaviors. its having standards for yourself. its FEELINGS like unironically rn pls tell me you’re clowning and that you do understand how fucken LOUD you all are abt normalizing aspec hate and how often we obviously run into bitches like you and have to ask this question. you know how LONG we’ve begged for basic support so you have to know that reacting to being asked if you give a shit abt somebody with that kind of mockery is disgusting and bratty and ignorant af bc bro lmao its YOUR FAULT for being a Part of the people HATING THEM....?

holy shit lol, nobody should be good with being around people who disrespect a part of them,,,, thats like a genuine personal problem if someone willingly wants to do that, so why tf would you be expecting that. bc its us? bc its us. bc its us and you feel THAT right in thinking that we’re so worthless, they we are just so Stupid for not knowing that too. its funny to you that we dont realize how little we matter. lmao its so ugly and warped like!!! god how fuckin evil can you get just calm down idiot lmao theyre asking if you respect them and you’re basically responding ‘why would it matter to you if i didnt?’ bhsejbjehg uhhhhhhjjjjjjjjj bc thats. a regular thing 2 care about. its standards like mam do you hang out with ppl who hate you. is that some normal thing to you like. avoiding the ppl who wish you werent around is sort of just . health and safety and basic emotional response and also common sense. really is. literally How dehumanizing and detached coudl you POSSIBLY be abt this to be directly asked by a marginalized identity group if you respect them or not, and actually say No, but Also be like ‘LMAO YOU REALLY ASKED ME THAT? IT DOESNT MATTER’ like. yeah it matters bc they stay existing actually, you dont have to hate them for that, and they wouldnt have to ask yall this stuff if you behaved lmfao. not to mention your reaction is literally the evidence that it apparently matters enough to You to make sure they know you dont accept them. fully, you are whats making it ‘matter’ so much bc you are the one going apeshit over a benign existence. you’re the one losing it over nothing.

like lmfafuckingo what is WRONG with your MIND dude im.... speechless like ‘dont drag me into discourse’ YOU HATING SOME1 AND THEM HATING YOU BACK IS NOT ‘’’’’’TUMBLR DISCOURSE’’’’’..............? WHAT R U DISPLAYING RN DID U NOT SPEND ENOUGH TIME IN THE GUIDANCE COUNSELORS OFFICE GROWIN UP WITH THIS ATTITUDE......... ITS THE NATURAL ORDER OF SOCIAL CONSEQUENCE......... ITS SOME BASIC ‘YOU STARTED IT’ TEE MOTHERFUCKIGN EM LOGIC...? YOU HATE THEM! FOR AUTONOMY! FOR HAVING AN IDENTITY AND ENOUGH SELF RESPECT TO STICK BY IT! THEY HATE YOU BACK I THINK THEYRE ALLOWED TO ASODLKFL;SDF AAAA DUUUDE lmaoooo and like good lord, passively existing around ppl who hate you and not challenging them isnt ‘avoiding discourse’. thats. so unhealthy sdjkf what kind of underdeveloped politics.... its toxic and absolutely batshit to genuinely ask that of Anyone. like bro stop Actually expecting ppl to hate themselves for ur comfort thats.... so weird i.... are you okay hhh nah you just need to step up and try to be a regular ass person actually and have sympathetic reasoning skills. being ace is fiiiine its nbd i dont need to to change for you, im allowed to be this, and i get to ask if you’re ok with that so i dont end up in a gross ass environment.

ace =/= discourse. you dont get a say in everything my dude. we’re not here for you to analyze, we dont give you permission and we dont need Your permission to exist, we’re not asking that of you when we send those msgs we’re tryna figure out if ur gonna be a bitch or not basically lol just seeing if we’re gonna be accepted by you or if we’re wasting our time like alksd;al its so traumatizing and unnecessary and MINDBOGGLING that u think its not fucked up ?? to feel like we are supposed to accept your hate of us as our truth?? you believe we’re that awful that its Funny when we dont Realize it or smth thats just so....... what would even make you respect us. literally absolutely nothing besides not existing in front of you. so. thats hate. thats irrational unwavering hate. beyond the fact that any group always has the right to ask you if YOU hate THEM, you cant sit there and mock the mere idea of caring when you are literally giving reason for it by trying your BEST to upset them and make them feel like they deserve to feel like shit for what they are afterwards. dfgjdfkgjdlfkgfd man the hypocrisy and like complete lack of self awareness in reg culture is like novacaine for my brain its so jarring sometimes. im allowed to have a problem with you having a problem with me bc i cant fix Being smth, you can fix how you feel abt it. balls in your court ill stay waiting. im not gonna hate myself bc you’re not right xoxo get a vaccine for w/e makes you this evil and selfish pls

[spector]

King what do u do when u get hungry on a diet? I've been dieting since the beginning of the year (I too cut out sugar & carbs) but so far I've only lost a few kg, finding it really hard to stay motivated, pls advice.

OK SO , personally ... and heres a disclaimer, just to be safe, im not a nutritionist or a dietitian, most of my knowledge comes from yt vids but here's the stuff that works for me 

every main meal needs to have some source of protein, some source of fiber and some source of fat (YES, FAT), they don't have to be balanced, but u gotta include them somehow in order to have a filling meal. a filling meal means u wont get hungry too fast. this is also a tip to not avoid fat just for the sake of avoiding fat in ur food !! fat is good, overall and in ur meals

the reason why u might be getting hungry is bc ur body is still not used to the New Routine, i don't get hungry a lot these days bc i got used to the smaller portions and somewhat regular mealtimes (tho its not as regular as id like it to be). consistency is unfortunately the trick to teaching ur stomach how not to be hungry... its rly hard but gets easier w/ time

avoid SODIUMMMMM avoid salty stuff !!! even if its like, advertised as healthy, like healthy chips or whatever. salty stuff makes u more hungry and that can make you overeat

same with processed products. i personally rly enjoy preparing stuff from scratch so that works for me .. but i think it has to be said that if its easier for someone to turn to processed food or ready-to-eat meals then they shouldn't change that, just look for the healthier options. having to learn how to cook all of the sudden can be very overwhelming and might make a person give up so, u know, baby steps

NO CHEAT DAYS.... they work for some people, sure, but personally i have no willpower and i KNOW that if i let my body remember the taste of big mac or whatever I'm gonna go on a rampage GFHIFGH and devour half the city. at this point I've already forgotten unhealthy food cravings and i very very rarely go like ‘ohhh shit id love to eat a pizza or smth’ ... i also get full very quickly and that's also neat. its just a matter of routine and ur body getting used to a new way of eating. 

coffee is rly good for curbing appetite if that's a thing ur into, I've been slamming iced americanos like twice a day dihgfigh which i don't suppose is very healthy but its ok its fine I'm working on it, i cant make a full 180 degree turn into healthland IMMEDIATELY, BABY!!! STEPS!!!! DONT OVERWHELM YOURSELF!!!! i didn't start working out till i was like. a month into this thing

the next point i want to deliver like this

yes u wanna stick to the smaller portions, the proteins, the fibers, the fats etc but u gotta keep it interesting, u cant just rely on five meals that work for you cuz that will just make u miserable, even if you like smth, you have to rest from it sometimes... for example, i fell in love w/ tofu and i WISH i could eat it every day but i know that would ruin the magic for me... so i dont let myself prepare it too often !! remember to branch out from time to time , new meals, new snacks etc. 

oh right, snacks are totes allowed , dont force urself to just have 3 meals every day and that's it , that's too restrictive and its gonna make u think about food too much, u have to give urself freedom of like ‘well i guess i got hungry so ill grab smth small, whatever’ ... if ur too restrictive to yourself, it will make you VERY focused on the hunger and the next meal and its just miserable. SNACKS R GOOD , as long as you hit the calory deficiency THATS OK , UR LOSING WEIGHT IN A HEALTHY WAY !!!

diets should be a fun adventure for HEALTH and they cant be rushed !! i mean they can but that's just not sustainable , all that weight comes back sooner or later. taking it slow is good, its not a RACE , its about teaching ur body new healthy things, its just taking its time to get used to the new conditions !!!! if you dont disrupt that learning process too often, you’ll totes stop getting hungry too soon. 

tho being hungry in itself isn't a bad thing , eating when ur bored is a bad thing i think . but like i said, not an expert. just a bitch whos trying to live a little longer u_u ...

[omegawolverine]

1, 8 for the writing asks?

1) Tell us about your current project(s)  – what’s it about, how’s progress, what do you love most about it?

okay so ig i have four current projects rn? technically more but i only really count em if i plan on posting the wip soon or they're chaptered fics ig 🤷‍♀️ if its apart of a series of mine then really i dont call it current unless ive already started a draft for the next part, i sideline my series' constantly bc most of the fics are fine to read by themselves anyways uhmmm lol moving on, a mini run down of my current projects:

mellodramattic fic: chaptered piece about mello and matt's relationship thru the years, probably gonna turn it into a series once i finish the main piece bc there's definetly ideas i wanna include that I probably cant in the main story. progress on it is fine ig, I have the next chapter mostly drafted (by hand, i need to type it still) i just update really slow bc it's an old hyperfixation of mine so i really only get bursts of motivation for it every like 3-5 months, sometimes longer. i just really enjoy writing this one bc i can basically make up whatever i want about the characters bc there is very little actual canon material for them and, as a matt kinnie, i have a very specific vision of their lives that ive always wanted to e riu te about and i finally started doing that with this fic. there's a few chapters on ao3 rn, but they arent stellar bc it's old writing lmao. ill link it (and any of these other fics i mention) if anyone asks

bnha chat fic: a mess, has 16 chapters rn, it's a lot of chaos ft a side of me projecting. it has slow updates now bc im out of my bnha hyperfixation, but i still love writing this fic, even if i regret some of my past writing decisions with it. next 2 chapters are half drafted, but idk when ill actually get em out. it's been 8 months since i last updated anyways, so whatever. one of the chapters is chat, the other is actual writing bc ig this fic is technically like a combination of chat and regular fic, but it's mostly chat so 🤷‍♀️

karlnapity wip: i started this fic 6 months ago and just recently started working on it again?? i plan to upload it in the near future but also idk if that will actually happen bc im not actually invested in either karl or sapnaps lore which makes me very uninvested in writing this fic lmao. the wip is kinda banger tho imo, very angsty but it has comfort so its okay.

it chat fic: i know vaguely what i wanna do with the next chapter but i havent uploaded for this bitch in so long its criminal. it's literally just a modern au losers club chat fic, everybody's gay, streddie are in love and that's really the only reason im writing it, plus i made stozier have tiktok clout which i think is too funny of an idea to drop, sue me. also it's a stranger things crossover, but only bc i wanted to make richie and mike twins bc i read a different crossover fic that did the same thing right before writing this and i was brainrotting the fic too hard not to include this twin shit in my own. im unoriginal, what can i say.

8) Is what you like to write the same as what you like to read?

generally, yes, though i think i write more angst than i tend to read? i wouldnt call myself an angst writer at all, but i tend to project and i really like writing emotional spirals or trauma related stuff bc ooooh coping mechanisms babey but it's always paired with comfort whether its immediate or eventual. i also write more chat fics than i read, mostly bc it's a good way for me to write about a hyperfixation without actually having to have good ideas or be very dedicated to the piece, especially bc i hate not finishing chaptered fics, but i tend to do it a lot when i lose a hyperfixation (for example, i have had a 1/? fic in my works for like a year, maybe two, now all bc i stopped hyperfixating on bnha like a week or two after that, and bc it was Real Writing i havent had the energy to update it, meanwhile ive updated the bnha chat fic a few times since losing that hyperfixation bc it's very low effort content) idk i think most of it's the same typa content in the end tho

[mayabishopapologist]

station 19 - season 4, etc

this is long but i want to put down my thoughts before thursday comes and i guess i have A Lot To Say.

honestly didn’t pay much attention to this show until halfway through season two—  always liked maya and was glad that they gave her more to do. going into season 3, i was excited for more character development &stronger storylines. however, by the end of  301 the dip in quality was glaringly obvious. a quick google search revealed that there was a new showrunner and, well, it showed. 

while the show had been going in a really good direction with balancing the screen time between andy and the other regulars, this season, the plot was all over the place. it was uber dramatic and just. so much happened just to happen? seemed like every other episode had a major event(deaths alone; ryan,rigo,pruitt?!!?). they were so frequent, it was hard to process. it was also hard to get invested as the characters themselves moved on(or were shown to have moved on, extremely quickly!) 

i enjoy the show for what it is and i have no delusions about broadcast tv shows (or shondaland productions, for that matter)but the suspension of disbelief.... i mean: a stabbing, a robbery, a shooting and a car crash? all in one episode? please! lmaooooo. drama for dramas sake is always boring and weakens the story.  

& as for the characters... .

everyone felt like a hollow version of themselves this season and it was hard to watch sometimes, actually. characters switched motivations /personalities for the sake of the current episode and i know this show is very ‘monster/emergency of the week’ but. some consistency! please! like—

maya: she’s always been determined and focused but they went so far with it this season, it was almost cartoonish. her competitiveness was hinted at in season 2 but she was always portrayed as self aware. ‘the beast,’ as she dubbed it to andy, was something she knew of and tried to contain, because she knew it could get out of hand. 

yet, in season 3 she suddenly forgets this and just. becomes the most power hungry/singularly focused person, ever. she goes after the captain position behind andy’s back, (citing andy’s emotional state, because of the death of her best friend as a reason she shouldn’t get the job?? huh. since when is maya this purely callous??!) she just doesn’t give af, suddenly, about andy at all, and goes for a job that she is hardly qualified for(she was lieutenant for like, a few months?)

and then after she gets the position, she just. loses all sense of reality? literally she was so unhinged(fun to watch but so much) and it was like. um?? maya has never been the uptight one (they've mentioned and depicted andy as being the one like this, multiple times!) and we know she knows how to have fun, so, for her to all of a sudden just. not know how to read the room? yeah okay. to make her so intense and severe, especially w the drills and training was, a choice. a bad one, on the writers part. like, i get that they needed her start as captain to be dramatic or whatever,  but there were ways to do that. and even the animosity with the team and her went so far, i just think that whole storyline was amazingly lazy, honestly.  

and the friendships!! andy and maya’s friendship is just, a mess. at this point they've spent more time at odds, and the idea that they're supposed to be best friends with this super close bond? yeah, i just... i dont buy it tbh. if they'd spent more time building up their connections and making us understand why they would be friends and showing them being there for each other past a few scattered scenes her and there? maybe. but so far, that hasn't been the case.  making that bond real, solidifying that friendship, would have made this conflict have more of an emotional impact. but doing it now? making maya ‘turn’ on andy, this soon and this drastically just. it made her seem like she was extremely jealous and had been waiting to pull the rug out from under andy all along. and also, why would they stay friends when, so far, maya has showed, time and time again, that she’s willing to let her wants/ambitions leech on her loyalty to andy? (jack thing, job thing, etc). although, it’s not like andy’s a good friend to maya either, she’s selfish and seems to like it when maya is in her corner but isnt always there for her. they went so far with the idea that maya was this coldly calculating asshole that she was almost a villain?? it was so silly to me.

and the traumatic home life plot they gave to maya was clearly their attempt at some adding nuance to her character and trying to explain why she would act the way she did, but to me? it fell flat. it was rushed, and they went from zero to 100(why did her mother come to talk about her divorce/abuse at maya’s job? like she was literally working? idgi. no boundaries lmaoo) 

and i actually relate and sympathize w maya a lot. and while i liked that they were exploring the many ways abuse can present itself, it was very... hm, ham-fisted. just super rushed and then wrapped up so quickly. they have, i think, written themselves into this dark place i fear they have no intention of exploring. 

and while i understand it, i hated how far they let maya go, especially because i don't feel they’ll adequately address it. they move on so quickly( maya was deaf for like half a season and then. she just. wasn't) and i hate the idea of her just being ‘fixed’. a relationship and an apology doesn't undo years of abuse, idc. also will they ever address maya’s um, thoughts about death??? because that was super heavy and not just something someone gets over? going to need for her to get actual professional help. that isn’t her girlfriend, like. asap. 

speaking of carina, i do like her and maya together a lot. big part of why i watch, ngl. but i need their relationship to be a lot more reciprocal. like, lets dial it back on the codependency, maybe. carina cant (and shouldn't have to) hold her up so much ! that’s not love. also maya needs to start being a good girlfriend. they started off that way, i know they can get back there. but like, we hardly got to see them settle into it, we got those cute 30sec clips of sweetness then maya was lashing out and cheating and it was like. wait a minute! what??? 

for s4, i want to see them working at reconciling—im talking, groveling, awkward in-between moments where carina isnt sure she can trust her. okay, tough conversations, hell, even jealousy because let's be real. maya working with jack is a lot for carina to just. take? i know i absolutely would not be happy about that, but i also wouldnt take maya back so... anyway! brushing over that would not just be a missed storytelling opportunity, but it would also be super unfair to carina and do a huge disservice to their relationship as a whole. as cute as they are, having cute moments with no real depth would get very old, very quickly.

carina: what can i say but-perfect, amazing, fantastic, WOW

seriously, carina is almost unrealistically perfect. she takes a lot and has been through the most (can they be nice 2 her this season? like just for fun) going forward, im going to need her to be more than a plot device to calm and soothe maya. i get that she was introduced as a love interest, but in season 4(as a season!!regular!!) that cant be all she is.

speaking of, it was really weird to me that she was promoted to station 19 and not greys because... what is a gynecologist going to do at a fire station? the general consensus seems to be that she’ll join warren’s PRT but like. she’s not a general surgeon so that’s a reach but, i want her around so ill buy it. i just want better and more for her tbh. not just screen-time, but also character development and depth! also friends! tired of carina being isolated, they did it on greys which. a waste! i meaaan, amelia was RIGHT. THERE. just look at the material! for s19, i want her, vic and travis to be friends or even just her and vic, like yesplease! i also want to know more about her and im tired of her being treated badly. like, i think society had progressed past carina being shitted on, thanks!

vic: my fave!!! they did so lazy by her this season ugh. she’s so charismatic and charming and just so good!! yet, her storyline was all over the place. we hardly got to see her sit with her grief  (spontaneous crying aside; barrett doss is so good!) she was just kind of... around. and that relationship w jackson. lol. it was so obviously for crossover potential and well. i didnt hate it or like it. actually, i was mostly indifferent. bored, even when they were onscreen together. i just didn't care and wanted more of vic, not vic and whoever. i know they're up in the air rn but i wouldn’t be torn up if he doesn’t come back. 

i want more for vic past just romantic entanglements. i know we’ve gotten a bit of her past, but i would like to see more! also, what about employment accomplishments? her artsy theatre friends? her family? just. more vic, please!!

she’s so fun and cool and when they let her, she shines. they need to let her! 

jack: my boy! so dumb, but i love him sm. he def needs like. major help, though lmao. and maybe it’s just me but im tired of his sex addict plot. like, we get it, but can we move on now? kthanks. they need to let him work on himself especially, the constant self sabotage. it's getting old. for ALL of them, actually, seriously, how many times can they all get in their own way.

andy: don’t really think about her. the mom storyline seems like it would be wonderfully dramatic, im intrigued. she and sullivan are cute, i guess. hope they make it.

ben: no major issues w his storyline, hardly remember it honestly. i liked the rapport he was building w vic and want them to explore that relationship more, its cute. 

travis: so funny and adorable, let him do more.

dean: loved him in all his entitled first born African son glory. i didnt so much love the baby plot but that always bores me. his sudden love for vic though. lol. since when? it def, came out of no where and while i really enjoy their friendship, to me, there is zero romantic chemistry there so i would prefer it if they just. stopped. lmao. also. the way he treated her because he could get a handle on his emotions? ridiculous. has humanity not like, gotten past the ‘he’s mean bc he likes you’ thing?? like grow up maybe?

and this isnt just about dean but like. are there not more single young people in seattle? why do they all have to sleep with the same 5 people. ik for the sake of plot, workplace relationships are easier but still. i think they should branch out. really. 

overall, i want better for all of them, and i think if the writers would just. take a moment and stop trying to tell so many stories in such little time, they could do better! also, whoever’s out there. please, enough w the crossovers! dont want to be forced to watch greys just to know what’s happening on 19. i get that they're in the same universe. it’s only mentioned every other episode. we. get, it. i liked what they did with private practice, it was like once every few seasons. and i know they won’t do that, but maybe, two a season. 

this is so much. but this how does have a ton of potential and i just really want it . like, get there.

[hypertronicmain]

Whatever's worth it

Today, was alot of work.

I woke up tired from staying up late last night. I could instantly feel my nose was congested and my sinuses were blocked. Didnt know if it was allergies or just bad sleep but i saw it coming nevertheless. My kitchen is disgusting, my room still half covered in dog fur, another job that would take a good hour to do. But it needs to be done.

I get to work at 2, there's a lot to take in, new location, new staff to meet, whole new work flow. it was like starting all over again, but this time I just knew how the business worked. I felt like i had mastered level 1, and this was level 2. But maybe I skipped a level or two, because now instead of just take away, I'm serving tables on two storeys as well as all the duties I had before. At least the food is better.

Got some motivation to finally look at exchange opportunities today as well. Keio uni in Tokyo looks really awesome. cant wait to study ghosts, goblins, anime and otaku literature. That really would be amazing. Its probably a year away but i cant wait to start preparing for it. I needed that bit of motivation, especially since ill need to save up some money for it.

Still thinking about whether I'll keep this job after the summer. Shifts are so grueling sometimes, They take up my whole days energy. The money would be nice, but I really don't need it, and I would rather put my energy into the things that I really want to do. My mother actually sent me an interesting article today.

https://www.theguardian.com/books/2021/aug/07/on-earth-4000-weeks-so-why-lose-time-online-distraction-oliver-burkeman

Dunno if it makes sense, but what i got out of it is that everything you do in life that isnt towards the things you love, is just a distraction. Of course stuff to keep yourself alive and healthy, both mentally and physically counts to that as well. but things like video games, social media, doing degenerate shit, binge eating. Its all just a distraction, which can be good sometimes. But one important point the article made, was that internet conglomerates make all of their money on keeping you on the internet for as long as possible. And of course the easiest way to do that is to keep you distracted.

it made me think what work really meant to me. Doing a hard, labor intensive, sometimes mentally draining activity that allows me to pay for things i would not usually be able to with my regular budget. But i dont consider myself very materialistic, for me its all about trying to better myself, and some of those things do come with a change of image, as a form of affirmation. So im saying im gonna buy clothes. But apart from aesthetics and general welfare products i dont have the need for much else. however, if i did not have this job, i know that most of my time would be playing video games, watching teevee and eating. So i guess work is saving me from being distracted, and allowing me to invest more in my own welfare.

So that does make it worth it, but only for a short while. After the summer my friends will be back, ill have a whole new field of study, and alot of reading. For now, ill just get through the time i do have here, i know ill be looking back on it for a long time now.

[britnxyspears]

Honestly while slavery and segregation and colonialism should be taught in schools, my school, predominantly middle white class, did, and compared to some of the shit I've seen in other schools didnt do too bad, and like. It didnt make anyone less racist really. Not when they grew up some. Like there was a white boy who was kind of... you know one of those people who only half understood social cues, who said the n word in reference to the slave owners saying that and we all gasped and he cried and stuff because he really didnt know (we were in 3rd grade but he and I were both pulled out for lower grade everything which was taught while we were on the rug in the reading part of the classroom) and tbh, he actually grew up to be one of the least overtly racist people there.

I don't know him well enough to tell if he's just as racist as the rest of my class, he went to the charter school so I really never saw him. But aside from him one other classmate stuck out to me, a richer white girl, Emily, who was very popular and very kind, her mom worked as an aide and one that a lot of people didn't care for. Not enough to staunch how sweet her daughter was though. "Why would anyone do that ever?? Say someone's less than another because of their skin colour or where they're from or something like that?? We're all the same, God made us all the same."

That is that one that sticks out to me, because Emily didn't participate in much of the class discussions, and she actually interrupted our teacher with this question and statement. I raised my hand and said "we're not all the same" and my teacher was ready to completely axe me off. "A lot of us are different and we're treated worse because we're all supposed to be the same, like people who are in wheelchairs can't get inside places or people who cant learn like other people just go to the office. But when people treat different people not the same it's always in a bad way."

My teacher was unprepared for that discussion. Partly because I called her out on ableism (not that I understood it as such at the time) directed at me specifically that everyone in the class witnessed on the regular, and partly because she just honestly was only ready to talk about slavery, a concept we all understood pretty well already... and not race as a whole in part of it. Which is something my class was prepared to learn about and we never really learned. I made it awkward for her and she opted out completely.

What I'm trying to say is. Yes schools need to teach about this country's (AND OTHER'S) history of racism and especially the violent parts, slavery, colonialism(the truth), segregation, and what they lead to... but I think the schools need to be reformed too before that can be effectively taught at all. There's a lot of resentment towards the schools from children and they have a valid reason for that resentment but either it manifests as indifference to everything taught (like my high school diversity class and my city high pop. Middle school's American history class) to like, a total miscommunication on what kids are capable of learning and when.

I feel like that class was an opportunity to raise kids who were less racist, more open minded and more compassionate to other races. It was literally a lost opportunity to make better people. No one in that class but me and that girl and that boy grew up to be anti racist. That girl already had compassion for other people that her mom and her school didn't give her. She, with the wrong language, defended me when I came out as trans, even though she's one of the most privileged kids I can think of in my mind, and she let me teach her when I taught in the diversity class too. Her heart was already in the right place before being taught.

Kids are ready to learn things more than the schools (and individual teachers) are prepared or willing to teach them. Kids are natural seekers of justice and a majority want things that they see wrong to change. Schools and parents are selling them short I think because they're scared of generations that lose their biases and speaks against their current day ills.

[lifesucksheres20bucks]

Reddie going to on a date to the fair...only if you want💗

YES I LOVE THIS CONCEPT

*i took me so long to write this, there might be some errors sorry*

- def like last summer of them all being in derry

-their 18 and richie is moving to LA and eddie is going to NY

-richie knows his time with eds is running out and hes been a lot more clingy than usual

-eddie knows it too and hes been spendig a lot more alone time with his favorite trashmouth

-eddie HATES change so he has regular panic attack just thinking of being away from the losers (especially richie) 

when he gets the panic attacks he usually just throws himself onto richie and starts playing with his shirt

richie started seeing a pattern and lets him calm down, he tries rubbing his back or making him laugh

when eddie isnt with richie when he has one (which tends to only happen at night) he will sneak out of his house and go to richies (richie now leaves his window open for eddie bc of it )

the losers part ways in about 3 weeks 

so for the past week eddie has been sleeping at richies everynight, he waits for his mom to go to sleep and goes directly to richies house

they usually just lie in bed somewhat cuddling 

they both know theres this unspoken thing between them but no one acts on it

the second to last week of  August theres the annual Derry summer fair. The losers have been going there since forever and its like the best part of the summer for them

they usually all go together for a whole day and stay to watch the fireworks then head to mikes farm for a sleepover/bonfire 

one day richie cant take it anymore and calls bev, he just kinda blurs out that he loves eddie and bev starts laughing 

“yeah we all figured you guys love eachother”

“wait you guys? you think eddie loves me too?”

“well none of us spend every night cuddling, and holding hands and sitting on each others laps” 

“you guys noticed that huh”

“omg you’re such a idiot sometimes rich”

“idk what to do though, how am i going to live without eddie”

“you guys will see each other, dont worry, we promised each other annual trips and we all come back to derry for the summers right? You guys will see each other eventually”

“but i can barely stand being without him for a day. You remember last month when his mother didnt let him leave the house bc he coughed? I was freaking miserable that day and i made everyone else miserable too.”

“well rich, i dont know what to tell you, youre going to have to find a way to survive without him, you guys can still call each other when your in school. Its a temporary move, you guys can live together or whatever after college”

“i need to tell him how i feel, i cant just leave without telling him”

“I think thats a good idea, let me know how it goes”

the next day the losers go to the fair, end up causing too much trouble (like always) and then went back to mikes farm. they all got drunk and very emotional, lots of crying bc they were all moving. some promises were made about calling each other at least once a week and plans were made about visiting each other during the thanksgiving holiday and taking a spring break trip together. (their all going to NYC for thanksgiving to see the christmas tree and probably going to LA for spring break)

during the sleepover richie and eddie and sleeping next to each other, richie reaches out to see if eddie is awake and as soon as richies hand is on eddie back, eddie turns around and puts his head on richies chest. 

“eddie do you want to go back to the fair with me tomorrow?”

“yeah we can go back , i think mike would like that bc he was totally smitten with that gir-

“no i mean just you and me”

“just you and me....uhh um okay that sounds like fun”

THE NEXT DAY

after eating breakfast at the farm they make up some weird excuse to why they couldnt hang out with the other losers and both leave (richie somehow said he needed to buy a cat)

-once they get to the fair theres this kinda awkward silence between them. Richie tries to make stupid jokes but all hes getting from eddie is nervous laughter

“hey eds whats wrong” richie says as he grads eddies hand

“i just, idk what are we doing?”

“well were at the fair, its this big fun thing we do every year”

“i know what a fair is you idiot, i mean why did you only want to come with me”

“bc i wanted to spend the day with my little eds!” (richie def pinches his cheek)

“dont call me that! god im so not going to miss that nickname when college starts”

“stop lying to yourself  my little spaghetti, youre going to miss not hearing it everyday”

they end up walking around trying some of the games.

eddie spotted a Koala that he really wanted and richie set out a mission to win it

he ended up spending like 20 dollars on tickets bc he kept losing the game. but when he finally got it, the look on eddies face made it all worthwhile

eddie decided to name the koala trashmouth for his knight in shining armour that got him in the first place

richie melts

eddie also named him that bc richie TOTALLY loves to koala hug eddie (and thats also why he wanted the koala in the first place bc he thought of richie when he saw it)

eddie gets them both candied apples

richie drops his after two bites

so they end up sharing eddies

at the end of the day richie insists on going to the ferris wheel

so they go and they sit right next to each other, eddie head on richies shoulder and finger intertwined 

they stop at the top and richie thinks its now or never

“hey eds, i need to tell you something and i dont want you to say anything, just let me finish”

“hm okay”

“you know how a couple of years ago you told me you loved coming to the fair because being here with your friends made you so happy. And that you absolutely loved coming on the Ferris wheel because being so high up and seeing the beautiful view of the town at sunset made you feel at peace and so whole...”

“yeah i remember that”

“well thats how you make me feel”

richie is playing with the hem of his shirt and every second that eddie doesnt say anything he starts shaking more and more

eddie sits quietly, in shock, and finally starts to process what richie says. he is quickly distracted by a tapping noise coming form richie

he looks at richie and sadness overcomes him, hes never seen richie look so nervous and scared in his life. the only thing he wants to do is hold him tight and thats exactly what the does

the second eddie takes richie into his arms richie just starts sobbing. the relief of the secret and the reality or their situation was just too much for him to handle

“shh shh ‘chee its okay, please dont cry baby”

“ i just, i dont know how im going to survive without you, youre my bestest friend eds and i love you so much..”

“i love you too richie, so much, why do you think i always sneak into your bedroom? all the panic attacks? its all because i keep thinking of college without you”

“why did we wait so long? i should have told you when i was 14, fucking hell Tozier always says stupid shit but never the right shit”

“richie stop youre not stupid, I should have told you, i just didnt know how. I know we waited too long but im so happy it happened this way. I dont think it would have worked out if we had told eachother sooner, we were so young. Now that were moving out of this shit hole we get to be ourselves and we can make this work” 

“but youre going to be so far away...”

“ill come visit you and i you can come see me, ill call you every night, this is going to work, i know it is bc its us and i know were meant to be together” 

“promise you wont forget me when im in LA”

“how can I ‘chee, you’re literally all i think about”

“wow okay this is getting really cheesy so can i just add a bit more cheesiness and kiss you at the top of the Ferris wheel?”

“ ugh okay but only since were already here and i dont think i can wait a minute longer”

richie cups eddies face and kisses him passionately 

(ITS A SHITTY ENDING I KNOW I DIDNT KNOW HOW TO END IT IM SORRY IM REALLY NOT MADE FOR WRITING)

this is definitely a story they will share with their kids in the future ❤️ 

[monzterzack]

My mental illness is not the "fun one" nor the "creative one" nor the "interesting one"

I dont do long rides with my motorcycle, nor smoke behind buildings, I dont break shit up (as much as I would like too), I dont cut my arms and have scars to show how miserable I feel, I dont get into wild situations, I dont lose my touch on reality enough to ignore what's happening around me

My mental illness is staying in bed, browsing apps until I get bored, hold down tears so my parents cant give me shit for been dysfunctional, taking baths on the regular because the cold water it's the only thing that feels good in my life now, having micro episodes over what I'm wearing and avoiding mirrors all together cause I feel like throwing up everytime I see myself in the mirror

My mental illness is waisting days, weeks, even months because I don't feel good and I sleep all day only to stay awake all night, it's not fun nor cinematic, its not something anyone would enjoy, its miserable as all hell, so much that I feel like my breakdowns are stupid cause they are not like other people's breakdowns, I just cry and stare at the ceiling, I just sleep all afternoon, and I feel stupid, but nothing brings me joy anymore