#this belongs in the sistine chapel if i do say so myself

[lightblume]

lady tsuru akiudo of the black shroud, warrior of light.

art by lulu!

[im-coming-to-you-live]

SpongeBob- Truth, or Reality?

Truth, or Reality? Summary: SpongeBob invites his friends to play a game of ‘’Truth or Dare’’ at his house. Rated: T for Teen; 13+ Characters: Squidward, SpongeBob, Patrick, Sandy Pairing(s): None Genre: Friendship Word Count: 7, 280

‘’My mouth tastes like nuts’’ was based on this picture: https://superhotbeam.tumblr.com/post/162920602400/thank-you-ms-paint#notes

Fic belongs to me.

SpongeBob Musical belongs to Kyle Jarrow (who wrote the book).

SpongeBob © Nickelodeon.

[X-posted from deviantART]

‘’Have you ever noticed that when you’re swimming it seems like you’re standing still, but you’re really moving?’’ SpongeBob began. ‘’And when you’re on a plane, it seems like you’re going by so slow but actually you’re moving really fast?’’ Children made the strangest observations. ‘’What are you talking about?’’ ‘’Fish might not notice water, and we might not notice time. But those are our realities,’’ SpongeBob explained. ‘’If we move fast, then time will move slower. So for a runner, the time is moving slower than someone who is walking.’’ Squidward only rubbed his temples in annoyance. ‘’What does this have to do with anything?’’ ‘’Silly Squiddy, weren’t you listening?’’ He wasn’t. ‘’It’s all got to do with reality versus perception. That’s what Sandy calls it anyway. Cool idea, huh?’’ ‘’I don’t need a kid to tell me all this.’’ 

‘’That’s just it,’’ the boy said as he sat up, ‘’I was at Sandy’s today and I observed a beetle trapped in a spider’s web. The beetle kept struggling to survive, but it couldn’t get out. Sometimes it would seem like the beetle would give up, but when the small black spider would come down from its hiding spot and try to attack it, the beetle would try even harder to break free, shaking the web. This dance would continue for hours. Sandy told me not to interfere but I ended up setting the beetle free. It was all very interesting when it came to life, one struggling to live. The beetle was maybe three times the size of the spider, and even a big thing like that would end up in a mess, and how we can be controlled by our environment, or manipulated, as in this case the web, and the spider, the controller. But there could be many other metaphors from this as well, life and death, struggle—‘’ Squidward sighed and draped his bony arms over his eyes, in a sore attempt to drown out SpongeBob’s nonsense. He stopped listening after awhile, because he couldn’t make sense of how this all logically connected together. This was not unusual for Spongebob. He had the tendency to jump from one topic to another, thus confusing the helpless listener who tried to follow along. ‘’SpongeBob, please,’’ he begged. ‘’Shut up, I can’t take it anymore.’’ ‘’Sorry,’’ SpongeBob apologized. ‘’You’re having one of your migraines?’’ SpongeBob had witnessed Squidward’s deadly headaches on more than one account, so he recognized the signs almost immediately. Squidward felt tempted to plug his ears. He didn’t know why he found himself lying on his back on this idiot’s bed to begin with. He had a rough day at work, having to deal with those bloody, chatty customers. The last thing he needed was SpongeBob chewing his ear off about philosophical questions he didn’t give a shit about, so he didn’t know what possessed him to let himself be dragged along like this. ‘’Make yourself useful and go find Sandy and Patrick,’’ he ordered. ‘’The sooner we can get this over with, the better.’’ ‘’I think they went downstairs for refreshments.’’ ‘’Well, they’ve been down there an awful long time. What are they doing, painting the Sistine chapel?’’ With that, Squidward slid off the bed, which caused his already throbbing head to pound unforgivably so. ‘’Never mind, I’ll fetch them myself.’’   ‘’You look exhausted,’’ SpongeBob pointed out. No shit, Sherlock. ‘’Maybe you should lie down. I’ll go get them.’’ ‘’I’ve been lying down,’’ Squidward snapped. ‘’I’ve been lying down for years, don’t make much difference now, does it? I’m fucking tired, all the time. I gotta get up now, otherwise I’ll fall asleep.’’ SpongeBob remained very quiet for a moment, then said, ‘’You didn’t have to come if you didn’t feel like it. I would’ve understood. I just hate seeing you lonely all the time, but if you’re tired, that can’t be helped. You can go home and rest, if you want.’’ No, he wasn’t getting rid of him that easy. ‘’Oh, come off it, I’m alright,’’ said Squidward. ‘’Besides, I’m tired of being stuck in the house on a Saturday night, even if it is your bloody house.’’ And with that, Squidward trudged downstairs, feeling the fatigue hitting him like a shower of stray bullets. Damn, he felt more tired walking around than he did lying on SpongeBob’s bed. What was the matter with him? Is that why he so begrudgingly accepted SpongeBob’s invitation? Was he sick to death of going to bed early on a weeknight like some elderly man in a retirement home? He was only 45 for crying out loud. He should have the energy of a bull. Hell, Mr. Krabs seemed to have more energy at his age, and he was 70! To make matters worse, it was only 8:00 PM and he felt like crashing. No, he would will himself to stay awake, stay up late playing with these stupid kids till at least 12:00 AM. He could prove he was still young. He wasn’t old! And he certainly would not be beaten out by some 70-year-old man. If Mr. Krabs could do it, then so could he. He sauntered into the kitchen, expecting to find Patrick and Sandy, but it was empty. In fact, SpongeBob’s entire house seemed to be empty, and quiet. Too quiet. Maybe they had gone into the living room? But when Squidward checked, they weren’t there either. What the Hell? ‘Don’t tell me they went home and left me here all alone with that nuisance,’ Squidward thought, and truthfully he couldn’t blame them if they had, but sure enough, he heard a fit of laughter outside the front door. When he went to go look, Sandy and Patrick were chilling on the porch. Squidward just watched them for a moment, before stepping outside and making his presence known. ‘’Hate to interrupt you lovebirds, but SpongeBob and I been waiting for you upstairs for a hundred years,’’ he said, almost disinterested. He half hoped they had gone home, so he could have an excuse to retire for the evening. ‘’Oh, howdy, Squidward.’’ Sandy greeted him as she turned around. ‘’We’ll be up in a sec, I just needed some air is all.’’ He saw Patrick mouthing something to him over her shoulder but he couldn’t rightfully make out what it was. ‘’What?’’ he demanded. ‘’What?’’ Patrick echoed back. ‘’I didn’t say ‘hot flashes’.’’ Sandy turned to Patrick with a glare. ‘’I ain’t having none of that. Why is that when a girl needs some air, that automatically means she’s having PMS? I just needed some air. I’m a mammal, after all.’’ ‘’Yeah, whatever,’’ Squidward declared. ‘’I’ll just tell SpongeBob the two of you are too busy having a romantic night out.’’ He turned to go back inside, closing the door behind him, which muffled an exchange of bickering, before heading back upstairs. When he did, he found SpongeBob sprawled out on the floor over a Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy comic. Did he ever do that at that age? No, Squidward reasoned, he was done reading comic books by the age of twelve. ‘’Sandy and Patrick are snogging on your porch,’’ Squidward said sarcastically in that same monotone, bored voice, ‘’Thought you ought to know. So I guess I’ll go home now.’’ ‘’Shut up,’’ SpongeBob said as he looked up from his comic. Squidward looked taken aback for a moment, and was about to demand why the heck he told him to ‘shut up’, but then he remembered ‘shut up’ had a completely different meaning for today’s generation. ‘’See for yourself,’’ and Squidward pointed to the window. Of course, SpongeBob fell for it and rushed to see what Squidward was talking about. While he was distracted, Squidward saw the opportunity to escape. But as he exited SpongeBob’s bedroom, he was met with Sandy and Patrick coming up the stairs. ‘’Hey, Squidward,’’ he heard SpongeBob’s voice call from his room, ‘’I don’t see anything! They’re gone.’’ ‘’We’re here!’’ Sandy shouted back. ‘’You weren’t leaving, were you?’’ Patrick asked, but before Squidward could answer, he felt the other grip his shirt collar and drag him back into the room. ‘’Hey look, we found Squidward!’’ Patrick beamed. ‘’Great, so I guess we can get started,’’ SpongeBob said gleefully. Squidward had no idea what a bunch of young adults usually did on a Saturday night, but he didn’t want to stick around and find out. He thought about running for the bathroom, but Patrick still had a hold of him. He felt Patrick drag him down as he was forced to sit on the floor and form a circle with the rest of them, Sandy directly across from him, Patrick to his right, and SpongeBob next to Patrick. He wondered what game they would be playing until he saw Sandy take out an empty wine bottle she had been carrying in a satchel. Squidward just scowled at the bottle. He knew exactly where this was going. By God, why did it have to be this game? He hadn’t played this game since he was sixteen, and it was an awful experience from what he remembered. It was at some summer camp his mother forced him to attend in order to ‘’make friends’’. ‘Gee, mama, you were wrong about that one, too.’ He remembered being crowded into a cabin with young, semi-naked, drunk individuals, five boys and four girls. They had gone night swimming before the game, and no one bothered to dress themselves fully. He was the only one who refused to take off his clothes, instead preferring to hide behind a baggy sweater even though the night air wasn’t cold. He was painfully shy, and didn’t have very many friends. He was always the weird, quiet kid who sat by himself at lunch, drawing pictures, so he was surprised the ‘’cool kids’’ invited him to play their game at all. Of course, he didn’t suspect foul play. And they weren’t particularly mean to him. They just tended to ignore him during most of the summer, so he didn’t know why he suddenly became visible enough to be noticed for ‘’Truth or Dare’’. Surely, there were plenty of other kids at the camp who could have participated. But no, they asked him. He recalled that he had a huge crush on one of the girls playing, and suffice to say, it didn’t end well. ‘’Erm, can’t we play something else?’’ Squidward suggested. ‘’Y’know...maybe cards? Charades or something?’’ ‘’But we play ‘Truth or Dare’ every Saturday night,’’ SpongeBob clarified. ‘’It’s tradition.’’ ‘’Yeah, man, can’t break tradition,’’ Patrick added. ‘’But now that we got four players this time, it’s gonna be extreme fun.’’ ‘’Yay. I’m so excited, I can’t wait, I’m pissing myself with joy,’’ Squidward moaned. ‘’Oh, cheer up, Squiddy,’’ SpongeBob giggled as he reached across Patrick to pat Squidward on the knee. ‘’It’s not like anyone ever died played this game before.’’ ‘I did,’ Squidward thought to himself, but wouldn’t dare admit this out loud.   ‘’So ya’ll know how to play this game, right?’’ Sandy asked. ‘’But for those who don’t, or who haven’t played it in twenty-some years,’’ she gave a knowing look towards Squidward, ‘’Here’re the rules: we take turns spinning the bottle. Whoever it lands on, we ask ‘em a simple ‘Truth or Dare’ question, to which the victim’s gotta choose. Once they choose which one, we challenge ‘em. That’s pretty much it.’’ ‘’Aaaand the limitations,’’ SpongeBob prompted. ‘’We gotta have limitations.’’ ‘’Right. The players have limited amounts of truths per player. Five each. And as far as dares go, nothing too raunchy. I ain’t counting on SpongeBob’s supply of condoms here, if ya catch my drift. Let’s keep it PG, people. Any questions before we start? Speak now, or forever hold your—’’ ‘’Oooh ooh me me!’’ Patrick enthusiastically raised his hand. ‘’I have a question!’’ ‘’What is it, Patrick?’’ ‘’What’s PG stand for? Is that, like, ‘Party Game’, or something?’’ ‘’No, it stands for ‘Pretty Gay’,’’ Squidward remarked. ‘’Now are we gonna waste anymore time, or is someone gonna spin sometime tonight?’’ ‘’Alright, alright, don’t get your thong in a bunch, Mr. Tentacles,’’ Sandy puffed. ‘’So I’ll go first, Squidward second, then Patrick, then SpongeBob. Sound fair?’’ ‘’Whatever,’’ Squidward said as he crossed his arms over his chest. He prayed to Neptune above that he could get through this night without murdering someone. Without further delay, Sandy reached between the circle, and placed the bottle in the middle of the floor. They watched carefully as she spun the bottle. It went around and round until it slowed to a halt at none other than...Squidward. He frowned. Of course. ‘’Watch out, Squidward, she plays mean!’’ SpongeBob laughed. Thanks for the warning. ‘’Truth, or Dare?’’ she asked, not without a devilish smirk of her own. Now, this question presented a lose-lose situation, because anyone knows that to be cool you have to choose ‘’Dare.’’ And if you do choose ‘’Truth’’ then you are punished for not choosing ‘’Dare’’ by being forced to answer the most scandalous question possible. The question, he knew, was likely to be whether he had French-kissed a boy. In his experience, he had been asked this question. If ‘’Yes,’’ he would be peppered with follow-up questions about every detail, which would require serious on-the-fly lying and brutal concentration. But ‘’No’’ would be even worse: he would be branded as ‘’un-cool’’ and ‘’un-frenchable’’. The choice was clear: choose Truth and tell the Truth, choose Truth and lie, or choose Dare. ‘’Dare, I suppose,’’ Squidward sighed. Truth was waaaay too complicated. ‘’So,’’ Sandy said with a mischievous eyebrow raise, ‘’I dare you to choose, out of the three of us, who you would hitch,’’ and here she dramatically paused, ‘’Screw,’’ another pause, ‘’Or murder.’’ ‘’I think you mean ‘Marry, Fuck, or Kill’,’’ Patrick pointed out. Sandy shrugged. ‘’Eh, same difference.’’ Squidward sighed again. This was the worst Dare imaginable. Maybe he should have gone with Truth after all. Twenty-nine years ago, the girl he liked had been dared this very challenge when it came to her turn. She happened to name him as the guy to kill. Back then, he was super sensitive (kind of like SpongeBob, he supposed) so as soon as she said his name, he stormed out of the cabin in a fit of rage. Of course, someone went after him, but it was in a dark forest in the middle of nowhere, with nothing but the sounds of sea bears lurking about, and he almost got lost. It was one of the scariest things that ever happened to him. Eventually, one of the boys convinced him to come back, but when he did, he never looked at that girl again. Sure, it was just a game, and maybe he took it too seriously, but all hopes of any possibility of her liking him back, all prospect of a summer romance, were dashed. After all, he didn’t know what he did to that girl to make her say she would kill him off. She never even spoke to him. Squidward felt like getting up and storming out right now. This game was so mindless. He swore he was losing brain cells every moment, but at least he didn’t have to think too hard on this one, especially since it was all for shits and giggles anyway. Without batting an eye, he said, ‘’Marry Patrick. Fuck Sandy. Kill SpongeBob. Er, no offense.’’ He braced himself, hoping SpongeBob wouldn’t have the same reaction as his sixteen-year-old self. He knew how sensitive SpongeBob was. Bloody hell, maybe he should have thought this over a little more. Maybe he should have switched up the choices. Well, he certainly didn’t want to fuck Patrick, that was out of the question. Maybe he should have killed him instead. But he wanted to kill SpongeBob more, even if it meant having to marry Patrick. He didn’t want to marry SpongeBob either, he was too impossible to live with as it was. And he certainly didn’t want to fuck him. Maybe he should have married Sandy, fucked SpongeBob, and killed Patrick, but honestly, neither option sounded all too appealing. If he had a choice, he’d marry, fuck and kill Sandy straight across, as she was the least annoying of the three of them. Was he even allowed to do that? Much to his relief, Sandy and SpongeBob burst into laughter and fell on top of each other while doing so. Apparently, this happened before at some other party, and they expected this answer. Squidward failed to see the humour in all this. Patrick, on the other hand, remained very thoughtful, or at least he looked that way. With his dopey expression, it was hard to tell. ‘’Why would you marry me?’’ Patricked asked. ‘’If I answered that question, wouldn’t that technically be breaking the rules? I chose Dare, not Truth.’’ ‘’Yeah, but, I’m not asking you to tell me the Truth, I’m just...curious,’’ Patrick shrugged. ‘’I don’t know, Patrick,’’ Squidward threw up his hands, ‘’It’s just a stupid game, alright? I mean honestly, I’d kill both you and SpongeBob, but since I can only kill one, I’d kill him first, marry you, then probably file for divorce the very next day, or murder you on our wedding night. I’m not taking any of this seriously, and neither should you!’’ For some reason, this caused Sandy and SpongeBob to laugh even harder. ‘’I was just askin’, sheesh,’’ and Patrick indicated the bottle. ‘’Uh, who’s turn is it?’’ ‘’Think it’s Squidward’s,’’ SpongeBob said between chuckles, as he wiped away tears. Once Sandy and SpongeBob managed to compose themselves, Squidward spun the bottle. He hoped it wouldn’t land on Sandy. Not that he had any reason to exact revenge on her for her challenge, but he didn’t want to feel like his spin was biased. His prayers were answered, when it landed on SpongeBob instead. Great. Not exactly a blessing, but oh well. He’d bite. ‘’Oooooooh,’’ Sandy and Patrick chimed together. ‘’Oh, grow up, you two,’’ Squidward instructed, before turning to SpongeBob, who just smiled at him, waiting for the question. ‘’Well, SpongeBob, you know what to do.’’ ‘’Okay, um...’’ he chewed his lower lip, deciding on his fate for a moment before he said, ‘’Truth.’’ Squidward just blinked. No one chose ‘’Truth’’. And he was hoping he wouldn’t say that. He was a fool if he was trying to look ‘’brave’’. Choosing ‘’Truth’’ was just stupid. Again, he was brought back to that fateful night, when he, himself, had been challenged with ‘’Truth,’’ when he was too ignorant to know it was ‘’un-cool’’. And the question was, ‘’Where do you see yourself in twenty years?’’ Squidward bit on his tongue. Damn it all, he didn’t mean to think that out loud, but before he could take it back, it was too late. He watched SpongeBob purse his lips, that same look he always got when deep in contemplation. When Squidward answered the very same question twenty-nine years ago, he said he could see himself on Broadway, or at least a successful artist with his own gallery. Squidward had to laugh now. How stupid and naive he was. In reality, he ended up working at the Krusty Krab at 36, the dream slipping further and further away as the years wore on. He couldn’t begin to imagine what SpongeBob would say. ‘’In twenty years,’’ SpongeBob finally replied, ‘’I’ll be your age. I always kinda wanted to be like Squidward, so yeah. When I’m 45, I’m gonna be just that. I’m gonna be Squidward. I’m gonna work my ass off, take pleasure in the more sophisticated things life has to offer, like sitting at home on my day’s off with a good book, and I’ll be graceful and dignified, and wise beyond my years. And maybe there’ll be a nice twenty-something kid-next-door that’ll look up to me, the same way I look up to Squidward.’’ The room was quiet for a moment, before Patrick let out a slow clap. ‘’Nice one, buddy,’’ he complimented. Squidward just stared at SpongeBob, utterly dumbfounded. In truth, he fought the urge to punch that smile off his face. No, no, no,  he didn’t want to be like Squidward. He didn’t want to be so drained of energy that it was a struggle just to get out of bed every day. He didn’t want to face the never-ending disappointment in himself that he couldn’t be more than what he was. He didn’t want to be so lonely and empty that he cried himself to sleep each night with nothing but painful memories to keep him company. Most of all, he didn’t want to be tortured by someone so full of life, that it was a severe reminder of the youth and happiness he lost, a reminder that he was the dead among the living. Squidward couldn’t blame him, he supposed. When he was 16, he was stupidly optimistic of what the future held, too. He had to pity the misguided fool. ‘The poor bloke,’ he thought. ‘He hasn’t a clue.’ ‘’Well,’’ Squidward said, turning to Patrick. ‘’Your turn.’’ Patrick did as he was told and spun. The bottle landed on Sandy. Now it was SpongeBob and Squidward who let out an ‘’Ooooooh.’’ Squidward didn’t know why he joined in, but he had to admit, the whole situation was bleeding hilarious, especially with how he found them laughing together at Neptune-knows-what on the porch earlier. Who knows? Maybe this would be Patrick’s opportunity to ask her if she really was having hot flashes. Okay, that was lame, but seriously, Squidward was starting to sort of feel like a kid all over again. Maybe there was more to this game after all. ‘’Oh, grow up, you two,’’ Sandy echoed Squidward from earlier, then waved a hand at Patrick. ‘’Go on and ask me then.’’ ‘’Truth, or Dare?’’ Sandy just smiled. ‘’You know me. I always like a good dare.’’ Patrick smiled in return. ‘’Then I dare you, Sandra Jennifer Cheeks, to...um...’’ He looked around the room, searching for a naughty idea, when his eyes suddenly rested on SpongeBob. ‘’To kiss....um...’’ But at the last minute, he looked at Squidward and blurted out, ‘’Well, since he wanted to fuck you, I dare you to kiss Squidward Q. Tentacles! Sorry, I don’t know what the ‘Q’ stands for.’’ Squidward’s little bit of fun was suddenly crushed into dust. ‘’Oh, come on,’’ he pleaded. ‘’Why don’t you make her kiss SpongeBob? He’s asking for it!’’ ‘’Now, now, Squidward,’’ Sandy teased, ‘’It’s Patrick’s dare. He makes the rules.’’ As she came crawling towards him on her hands and knees, he instinctively backed away. Again, he was plagued by a bad memory of the time he was dared to kiss a girl who had previously been dared to lick a toilet seat. It was the least pleasant kiss he ever had. ‘’Stay back,’’ he said. ‘’I mean it...I, uh...’’ And he tried to come up with some lame excuse to get out of it. ‘’I didn’t want to bugger you for real, I just said that, you know. I think you’re repulsively ugly!’’ ‘’Uh huh,’’ she rolled her eyes. ‘’I-I had garlic for lunch!’’ ‘’And I had a rotten cantaloupe. I’m sure there’s no germs swimming in your mouth that can even come close,’’ she said as she continued to come nearer. ‘’Play nice, Sandy,’’ SpongeBob cautioned. ‘’I think you’re scaring him.’’ ‘’Oh, he’ll live,’’ she said, and finally grabbed him, pulling him into a kiss. He tried to close his mouth, but it was too late. He felt her slobbering all over his face, as though she were trying to eat him, and then he felt her try to expertly slip him the tongue. He pulled back and cried out, ‘’What the blazing Hell, woman?’’ while wiping her saliva from his face. Purple lipstick smears came off on his arm instead, causing SpongeBob and Patrick to howl like hyenas. Sandy only shrugged, not bothering to wipe away her smeared lipstick. ‘’Didn’t know you were such a stick in the mud. What are you, some kissless virgin?’’ ‘’And what are you?’’ Squidward shot back. ‘’Some rocky mountain savage? You kiss like a grizzly bear! And why does my mouth taste like nuts?’’ ‘’Oops,’’ Sandy snickered. ‘’I guess it wasn’t cantaloupe after all.’’ ‘’Whatever,’’ and he angrily turned to SpongeBob who was rolling on the floor with laughter. ‘’Well, spin, dammit!’’ ‘’Squidward, chill out, dude it’s just a game!’’ Patrick tried to reason. Oh, sure. To them it was just a game, but they had no idea what he had to go through. And the humiliation. Worse of all, he was so young and carefree back then. He wasn’t tired all the time. And he did have fun. He wanted so much to just let loose and have fun. Be a kid all over again with no worries in the world. Why couldn’t they see that? Why couldn’t they understand that someday they would be old and miserable, and this game would be a bad dream? But then suddenly, he remembered what SpongeBob had told him earlier, about reality versus perception. He didn’t think he had been listening, but he was suddenly reminded of those words. What did he say again? That when you’re swimming, it seems as though you’re standing still, even though you’re really moving? That time moves in the very same way, that it moves so slow, that you just don’t notice? And maybe that’s why he was so much happier twenty-nine years ago. He just didn’t notice. And how could he? Maybe that’s all it was. Life was like a plane ride. It didn’t seem to move at all. And before you know it, you reach your destination, and...what was that bit about the spider and the beetle? Something about life, and death, and struggle? Squidward shook his head. ‘Nonsense,’ he thought. ‘It’s all nonsense.’ He let out a sigh, feeling more calm now, and took his place in the circle. SpongeBob waited for everyone to settle down before he took his turn. He eagerly watched the bottle spiral around, until it stopped before Patrick. ‘’Okay, Patrick, Truth or Dare,’’ he chuckled. ‘’Dare,’’ Patrick responded, without a moment’s hesitation. SpongeBob raised an eyebrow. ‘’You sure?’’ ‘’Uhh...I don’t know...’’ Patrick furrowed his brow in confusion. ‘’Then I dare you to—‘’ ‘’Wait!’’ Patrick stopped him. ‘’I changed my mind. Truth!’’ ‘’Is that your final answer?’’ SpongeBob laughed. Patrick began to sweat a little as he struggled to make a decision. ‘’Wait...I dunno, this question’s too hard.’’ Squidward was growing increasingly irritated watching this exchange unfold like some ping-pong match that would never end. ‘’Oh, stop confusing him, and just let him choose what he wants,’’ Squidward cut in. He couldn’t stand the way SpongeBob played with Patrick’s stupidity, although he meant no harm. Still, it wasn’t right to take advantage of a simpleton. He didn’t know any better. ‘’Alright,’’ SpongeBob agreed. ‘’Patrick, it’s your call, buddy.’’ ‘’Uh, Dare...I guess.’’ That’s it, Patrick. Play it cool. SpongeBob grinned from ear to ear. ‘’I dare you to go into your kitchen and rearrange everything in the food pantry... in alphabetical order.’’ They waited for SpongeBob to deliver the catch, but apparently, he had nothing more to add. That was it? What a lame dare. On the contrary, Patrick reacted as though the world was ending. ‘’All of it?’’ he asked. ‘’All of it.’’ Patrick looked like he would melt into a puddle right there and then. It was at that point he probably realized that any kissing question was better than this. ‘’I can’t do it,’’ he said. ‘’Then do you choose Truth?’’ This is how the game always goes. You just can’t win. Patrick swallowed hard, then nodded. ‘’Yeah. Truth.’’ Squidward didn’t know why, but he felt a little sorry for Patrick. There was always going to be one in the group who got the short end of the stick. But maybe SpongeBob would go easy on him. They were best friends, after all, so SpongeBob couldn’t possibly ask him anything he knew would upset him.   SpongeBob considered for a moment, before asking, ‘’Do you think you’ll get married someday?’’ Patrick just blushed and stuttered, ‘’I-I guess...I mean...I don’t think I’d find anyone...special enough...but...sure...I guess...maybe it’d be nice...but...I don’t know...there’s not too many people that I...well...’’ Squidward found himself studying Patrick as his face grew redder by the second. He was visibly embarrassed by the question. Kids these days, even twenty-somethings, were always thinking of getting married and having kids of their own someday. Settling down, if you will. Becoming their parents. It was weird and scary. Squidward knew right off the bat that at Patrick’s age, he wasn’t going to get married. ‘’Oh, you’ll change your mind,’’ they said. Look at him now. Still a swinging bachelor. Sure, Squidward had to admit there were times he considered himself a hopeless romantic. But he was pretty set in his ways. He didn’t want to end up like his parents, not at all. SpongeBob could see that the ‘’Truth’’ was making Patrick feel a tad uncomfortable, and so he reached for his friend, squeezing his hand. ‘’It’s okay, Patrick,’’ SpongeBob reassured. ‘’You don’t have to say more than that.’’ Sandy decided that now was the opportunity to take her turn once more, and she spun the bottle. It landed on Patrick again, by all strange accounts. Patrick hadn’t fully recovered from his prior awkwardness and stood abruptly to excuse himself. ‘’Um, sorry, I gotta get...some air...uh, it’s not like, I’m having hot flashes, by the way,’’ and he left the three of them alone. ‘’Er, I can take his turn for him,’’ SpongeBob said. ‘’Fine by me,’’ Sandy nodded. ‘’Truth or Dare?’’ ‘’Dare.’’ Squidward stopped paying attention after that. He quickly realized that he was far too old and far too pessimistic for this sort of thing. He kept thinking about why Patrick acted so strangely to a simple question, but then he remembered how delicate he had been when he was young. Sure, SpongeBob didn’t mean to embarrass his friend, his intentions were purely innocent. He couldn’t have known how nervous Patrick would get. Hell, if he had been Patrick, he probably would have run out of the room, too. He had, actually, only on someone else’s turn. Maybe now it wasn’t just a game? Sure, the fun of the game was to ask each other silly questions, and no one would tell if you were being completely honest or not if you hid it well enough, so you could answer however you pleased, but some questions might run on a more personal level, triggering something that shouldn’t be triggered. Squidward had no idea that he was actually putting his own future on the line, and when he couldn’t live up to those expectations that he set for himself in a game twenty-nine years later, he began to despise the game, as though it was the game’s fault. Well, he had to blame something. Laughter interrupted his thoughts and he looked up to find SpongeBob standing on his head, and trying, but failing, to touch his nose with the tip of his tongue while singing the alphabet backwards. ‘’C’mon, you’re pathetic!’’ Sandy cried. ‘’Z, Y, X, W, V, uh...S...oh shit,’’ SpongeBob faltered, then started again. ‘’Z, Y, X, W, V...U...’’ he almost got his tongue to his chin, but not quite. ‘’Where was I? U, T, S, R...um...’’ ‘’Keep going,’’ Sandy encouraged. Alas, he got all the way up to ‘M’, before he had to start over again. Squidward just continued to observe them. He didn’t know why they invited him to begin with. He always felt a tad out of place hanging out with a bunch of kids. Was watching them supposed to remind him of his youth and make him feel younger? Because in truth, he felt more tired and old just watching them. He just couldn’t keep up. And though they often protested that he wasn’t old, that wasn’t the point. He felt his age, maybe older.   ‘’What’d I miss?’’ Patrick said as he returned, and took a seat beside Squidward. ‘’Not much,’’ Squidward admitted. After fifteen more seconds, SpongeBob could stand on his head no longer and gave up. But at least he finally managed to touch his nose with his tongue, even though he couldn’t sing the entire alphabet backwards. ‘’Don’t tell me I made that look easy,’’ SpongeBob laughed, and held his head between his hands, which was no doubt spinning. ‘’That was hard!’’ Squidward remembered it was his turn and reluctantly spun the bottle. Last round, then he would go home. He was sick of this game. The bottle, for a third time, favoured Patrick. He hoped Patrick would want to skip his turn again, but he looked eagerly at Squidward, and so Squidward had to ask the same old question, although he didn’t really ask, he groaned, ‘’Truth, or Dare?’’ ‘’Dare, this time.’’ Did Patrick learn nothing? Squidward pouted. ‘’I dare you to skip your turn.’’ Then he stood and announced, ‘’I’m going home. Thanks but no thanks. ‘Night.’’ ‘’Oh, c’mon, Squidward, you can’t quit now!’’ they whined. ‘’It’s only 10:00!’’ ‘’Yeah, exactly, normal people are in bed at this hour. I’m out,’’ and he made his way to the door. ‘’At least dare me before you leave,’’ Patrick pointed out. ‘’That’s not really fair, y’know.’’ Squidward rolled his eyes and turned back towards the group. ‘’Fine.’’ And he made direct eye contact with Patrick, hoping he would cower. ‘’I dare you, Patrick Star, to name your first child after the person to your right. There, happy now?’’ Patrick just blinked. ‘’That...wasn’t even a dare. That was just stupid.’’ ‘’You’re stupid, and I’m going home, now.’’ As he opened the door to step outside, he heard the bottle being spun on the floor, and Patrick’s voice saying, ‘’What do you know? You’re it, again, Squidward. Truth, or Dare?’’ ‘’How can that be?’’ Squidward demanded as he spun around again. ‘’I’m not even in the circle!’’ But sure enough, the neck of the bottle was pointing directly at him. ‘’Truth, or Dare?’’ Patrick asked again. ‘’I’m done!’’ ‘’I’ll let you go home if you answer.’’ ‘’Fine. Truth.’’ He didn't have time for silly dares. ‘’How many children would you have?’’ ‘’Oh for crying out loud,’’ Squidward said, slamming the bedroom door closed. ‘’Honestly, Patrick. Look at me. I’m fucking 45, do you think I’d be having kids at this age? I don’t need kids! I got the three of you dunderheads, and you’re a handful as it is!’’ The three of them just looked at him in stunned silence, not sure whether to laugh or cry. Finally, Sandy said, ‘’It’s just a game. Don’t have to get so pissy. But since you answered, you’re free to go.’’ The three remaining players turned back to each other and waited for SpongeBob to spin the bottle. Squidward was about to turn out for yet a third time when he heard Sandy go, ‘’Oh…well, I guess you can spin again since Squidward’s not playing anymore.’’ Squidward glanced over his shoulder and saw the bottle pointing at him again. Was the thing cursed? SpongeBob began to reach for the bottle again when Squidward stopped him. ‘’No,’’ he said. ‘’Just ask me again, and I’ll be on my way.’’ Why Squidward wanted to continue playing, even after all that, he had no idea. But something about the way the bottle kept stopping at him made him all the more curious. SpongeBob just looked at him for a moment before he said, ‘’Truth, or Dare?’’ ‘’Truth.’’ ‘’Do you hate this game?’’ ‘’Yes,’’ Squidward admitted. ‘’Yes, I loathe it. I despise it. It’s supposed to make me feel young? What a laugh. I just feel old playing it. I feel old, and behind the times, and…and I don’t know why I came. It just brings back bad memories.’’ He watched as SpongeBob spun the bottle again, and unsurprisingly, it pointed at Squidward. ‘’Truth, or Dare?’’ ‘’Truth.’’ ‘’Why did you come then?’’ ‘’I don’t know,’’ Squidward sighed. ‘’I just wanted to feel a part of something. Y’know, join the world of the living! Geez, I live my life dying. The three of you get to have fun. But where’s my fun? It’s just a game to you…but to me…it’s more than that. I answered things about myself…twenty-nine years ago…that didn’t turn out to be true. And I…well, it hurts, SpongeBob. It hurts. And to see you all laughing…and having fun…but I can’t do that anymore. Because I know what’s ahead. And you don’t. You have no idea.’’ Again, SpongeBob took another turn on the bottle, and again, it landed on Squidward. He didn’t even ask this time. Instead he just blurted out, ‘’Even if you didn’t know what was ahead, would you regret it? Would you regret playing this game when you were 16?’’ ‘’SpongeBob,’’ Sandy said, putting a hand on his shoulder. ‘’He only gets five ‘Truths’ and he’s answered three already. Just let him go home.’’ But SpongeBob wouldn’t stop staring Squidward down until he answered. Squidward just swallowed back a lump in his throat. ‘’I guess not. I guess I don’t regret it.’’ ‘’Why?’’ ‘’Because…because now I know things about myself then, I didn’t know before. Sometimes I wish…even then that I could see the future. Maybe I would have answered differently. Maybe I would have done things I wouldn’t have done now. But I guess no one can see the future, can they?’’ SpongeBob was about to spin the bottle yet again, but there was no use for it now. Instead, he just asked, ‘’Reality is truth. Reality, however, is not always known.’’ ‘’Or noticed,’’ Squidward pointed out. ‘’While it’s true that everyone perceives reality differently, reality could care less about our perceptions.’’ ‘’So when you’re asked ‘Truth’, is truth reality, or is reality truth?’’ ‘’I don’t know how to answer that,’’ Squidward whimpered. ‘’Because…it’s just a struggle. Like that…story you told me…about the spider and the beetle. I didn’t know what it meant…but now I guess it makes sense. The problem arises…when people…stubborn people like me…refuse to accept the reality…like that beetle. He wouldn’t accept his fate. He kept fighting. And you saved him…but like Sandy said, maybe you shouldn’t have. Because then how…how does life continue if we’re always interfering? It can’t be created or altered. It is what it is. We can’t always be delivered from it, because we have to discover it.’’ Squidward didn’t even know what he was talking about anymore. But something about the way SpongeBob looked at him with unwavering strength in his eyes caused him to burst into tears. ‘’Actions have consequences,’’ he cried, ‘’And I ignored it for so long. Because the truth is harsh, and I didn’t want to feel the pain anymore. I’d like to have fun like you guys…I’d like to play again like a child… I wish my little self-delusive world wouldn’t be upset by such a trivial matter as truth.  I don’t want to worry about the consequences I may have to deal with tomorrow; I just want to feel good today. Like all of you. It’s not fair...because I perceived my life so differently...and this is the reality...and it’s not what I imagined it to be.  Twenty-nine years ago, I assumed I’d be happy today. I didn’t know I was deceiving myself...I didn’t know...anything...’’ He could speak no more because his tears had choked him up. He didn’t care if they were watching him anymore. He felt like a 16-year-old all over again and buried his face in his hands, and wept and wept. It wasn’t long before he felt warm arms wrap around him. It took him a moment to realize there were six arms around him. Six, of all different shapes and sizes. When he finally opened his eyes, he found himself in the embrace of his friends, or at least the only people who considered themselves to be his friends. And they were all crying with him. They probably didn’t even know why. They probably didn’t even comprehend his nonsensical ramblings, but their hearts went out to him. They empathized. For some reason, they wanted to suffer with him. Why would a bunch of people with their whole lives ahead of them care about the existential crisis of a middle-aged man? But maybe it didn’t matter. Maybe that’s why they asked him to play with them. They just wanted him to be with them, in the same way they were with him now. And he was too preoccupied with wallowing in self pity of better days that he failed to realize that. Again, he just didn’t notice. So maybe his life didn’t turn out the way he planned. But at least now he had friends who cared enough. He couldn’t say that when was he was 16. Back then, he had no friends, so was he really happier after all? Maybe he got this whole reality versus perception mixed up. It wasn’t the principal of reality versus perception. It was reality versus the perception of reality. Twenty-nine years ago, he perceived his life to be happier, despite the reality that he was alone. Twenty-nine years later, he perceived his life to be awful, despite the reality that he had friends. Damn it all, he perceived wrong. He could have been happy this whole time. But much like swimming, he just didn’t notice, because much like time, it seemed to move too slow, when in reality, it was passing by all along. And he refused to accept it. He refused to get caught in that spider’s web. He was accepting it now. Because now he was trapped in the embrace of a six-armed monster, and he didn’t want it to let go. The beetle couldn’t accept death. That was fine. Who does? But the web was his reality. And this was Squidward’s reality. He had been deluding himself this whole time. Trying to make it through life without a solid grasp of reality is like stumbling around in a dark room laden with land mines. He didn’t want to be like that.  Maybe it was time to question everything and be willing to give up cherished notions, even if it meant suffering discomfort. But as long as he could still have friends, wouldn’t his life be a little more fulfilling if he could admit responsibility for his poor life choices? At least he would be satisfied, if not entirely happy. Slowly, he lifted his arms and willed himself to return the embrace of his friends. They all seemed to stop crying, and so did he. No words were needed. A silent understanding seemed to pass between them. They decided to stop playing the game, and they didn’t need to ask questions. Around 11:30 that same night, they all sat down in SpongeBob’s living room to watch a movie instead, and Squidward could safely say he finally felt content. He felt content to just be with them, and maybe that’s all he needed. Maybe they didn’t completely understand all that life threw at him, and maybe they’d find out someday. But as long as they could all keep an open mind of what was to come, they would have the courage to accept it. The one thing that will never be affected by our respective views of reality is reality itself. And the reality was that they were together, right now, at this very moment, and so nothing else mattered.                                                                                  Fin

[iguana012]

The Lord of the Wedding Rings: The Return of the King - iguana’s 2017 HELLsinki Worlds recap

This is it guys, the last big competition before the Olympics. So much potential for great skates, great disasters and great distress; this competition did not fail to deliver. Nor did the announcers, who were screaming out names and scores as if it were a wrestling match. And it was, in one way or another. Albeit a sparklier one. For a brief couple of days, we thought Javier Fernandez was gonna win his 3rd consecutive World title and I almost had those memes ready but at the same time I knew coming from behind like a wrecking ball was Yuzuru Hanyu’s specialty. To nobody’s surprise Evgenia Medvedeva broke a record; to everyone’s surprise, she only broke it in the long program. Meanwhile, Wenjing Sui and Cong Han’s blues for koolk brought the pairs crown back to China and Tessa Virtue and Scott Moir purple rained on Gabriella Papadakis and Guillaume Cizeron’s parade. Let’s start the recap!

It began with the forging of the Great Rings. Three were given to the Technical Panel, immortal, wisest and fairest of all beings. Nine to the Judges, great miners and craftsmen of the mountain halls. And the rest of the rings were gifted to the race of Men, who above all else desire power. For within these rings was bound the strength and the will to govern each race. But they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made. Deep in the land of Eden, in the Fires of Mount Timshel, the Philosopher Lord Machida forged a master ring in secret, and into this ring he poured his cruelty, his malice and his will to dominate Hanyu’s all life. One ring to rule them all.

But on April 1st 2017, the world had changed. Yuzuru Hanyu could feel it in the ice. The stars were veiled. Something stirred in the East of Eden. A sleepless malice. The ring was THERE.

Ok seriously now, this guy had been waiting for this gold for 3 years. The first time he got it there were HOLY SHITS and OH MY GODS and CONTROVERSIES because 2014 Worlds is still remembered as that one competition where the difference between gold and silver was 

None of that shit here. Yuzuru Hanyu’s long program performance should be framed and taken into the church. Because no one else comes close to his ability to make those quads look like spinning on a fucking chair, all the while hearing music in the background and interpreting it. He really needed this gold medal and I’m glad he got it. 

World Silver Medalist Shoma Uno has been skating to Fantasy for Violin and Orchestra (aka Ladies in Lavender) all season and that’s a song I will personally forever associate with Tatsuki Machida’s retirement (ahahahah) but that program gave Shoma a new personal best, a medal, and a 2nd place in the World standings. Not too shabby going into the Olympic season. 

Boyang Jin has successfully defended his bronze medal with two great programs. I just can’t believe it was only 2 years ago when he and Shoma were battling for the JUNIOR Worlds gold and now here they are giving some uncles a run for their money. His quad lutz is a masterpiece. It can probably belong in the Sistine Chapel. 

Javier Fernandez’ Elvis wasn’t successful enough for the long program. While he dominated the short with his Matrix Malaguena, Hanyu skating a flawless program before him proved to be too much pressure for the two-time World Champion (how the fuck). tl;dr it was a mess. Probably a ~hot~ mess for some ladies and gents. 

Patrick Chan has successfully defended his 5th place from last year but this time he got a small bronze medal and joined the 100 club in the short! He also landed a quad salchow and not so Canadian axels. His programs this season were great and his skating is great. 

Nathan Chen had boot issues huh? Well honestly, after US Nationals and 4CC I would have been very surprised to see him skate another clean competition because: it’s his first senior year, he is pressured af, he will be even more pressured going into the Olympic season but hey - at least he got a nice, cold bottle of Coca-Cola to make him feel better. 

THE LADIES

And here’s the most disastrous event of the whole shebang. Well at least it was disastrous enough for Evgenia Medvedeva to refrain herself from smiling during a 9/11 program?? I guess??

Heavy silver medal favorite Anna Pogorilaya reverted to the old Pogofalls in the long program. It was almost like she’s been under a spell since Boston and it broke near its 1 year anniversary. That was certainly not what the Russian federation wanted to see, but Maria Sotskova wasn’t much better either. All in all Ilia Averbukh proved his point; his programs can save the world and Russia’s 3 spots at the Olympics. 

Speaking of spots, the Canadian ladies managed to get 3 spots for the first time in a millennium and they did it in high fashion; both Kaetlyn Osmond and Gabby Daleman made the podium. Who would have guessed? Figure skating is full of surprises after all. And it looks to me like the judges are more ready to reward Osmond than Pogorilaya. She’s going with a good reputation in the Olympic season and she has the support she needs to follow the footsteps of Joannie Rochette. All she has to do is deliver. 

Delivering is not always the best solution for other girls though. Wakaba Higuchi was criminally underscored in the short program. And by criminally I mean she can sue those judges for boycotting Japan getting 3 spots. With a 3Lz-3T and a 3F in the second half of the program she was 9th after the short. Really bitch? Really? They suddenly decided they were gonna punish the lack of steps into the solo jump? The fuck? Mai Mihara was great but that mistake in the short program was very costly Veeery costly. And lastly Rika Hongo was very brave. She was tired, she was injured, she wasn’t supposed to be there. But she was brave and I applaud her. 

The American ladies were lucky. And they did enough to keep 3 spots. The judges also did enough there I said it. Karen Chen did great, I love her short program. 

Basically everyone got back home having fulfilled their main goal, except for Japan, who has the deepest field in the World after Russia. For the first time in over 10 years, only two ladies will represent Japan at the Olympics. Figure skating fans are speculating who JSF will favor which ladies are more likely to get it. Will Mao Asada get her triple axel back? Will Satoko Miyahara manage to get back to her top form after injury? Will Marin Honda make a splash in her first year as a senior? Will Mai Mihara continue to stay consistent? This topic probably needs a separate post of its own. 

PAIRS AND ICE DANCE

Aliona Savchenko is a badass. The height she gets on the triple twist is probably the equivalent of two, two and half quad lutzes of Boyang Jin. Also throw triple axel!! Wtf bro my ankles hurt just looking at it!!

But Wenjing Sui and Cong Han were no doubt the class of the field. Two A-M-A-Z-I-N-G programs. You can see how connected they are. Not a single movement is wasted. Truly a gift in the field and I’m so grateful Wenjing recovered so well. 

Shoutout to Xiaoyu Yu for her potato finish! She’s done so well this season considering circumstances. And she’s so beautiful to watch!

Gabriella Papadakis and Guillaume Cizeron had pretty uninspiring programs this season but the free dance they put together was perfection. Yeah it’s nothing we haven’t already seen but everything about that performance was top stuff. 

Scott Moir had to fuck up to showcase Tessa Virtue’s flawlessness. But their Prince SD is great stuff. So great it broke some nice records. Including most of the free dance event (seriously what the fuck was that mess).

This is probably all I have to say about Worlds? This review sucks big time but I’m so tired I feel like I've been competing myself. Well that and the fact that Japan losing one spot really put me off. And I’m constantly worried about Satoko Miyahara so my snark wasn’t as sharp as it usually is during other competitions. This one was too much of a Real Deal y’know what I mean. 

Meanwhile the GP competitions next season look something like this

10/20-22 Cup of Russia 

10/27-29 Skate Canada 

11/3-5 Cup of China 

11/10- 12 NHK Trophy 

11/17- 19 Trophee de France 

11/24- 26 Skate America 

To be more exact 

Ah it smells like Olympics already. 

Just like last season and the season before last season I’m gonna make a top 10 programs of 2016-2017 sometime soon. But first I gotta get your requests done lmao sorry for the delay /o\ 

But since it’s (almost) the end of this season I want to thank you all for following me, sending me nice messages and being interested in my childish ramblings. You’re the bestest. 

[thesylvalining]

Sometimes I feel like my life is like a conversation between myself and Tom Petty.

Me: Man, I’ve got the travel itch.

Tom: Time to move on, time to get going.

Me: But where?

Tom: You belong somewhere you feel free.

Me: Duh! Where would you suggest? Italy?

Tom: You belong on a boat out at sea.

Me: But Tom, you know my track record with seasickness…

Tom: Let me get to the point, let’s roll another joint…

Me: Okay, now we’re getting somewhere!

It’s all my dad’s fault: he listened to Tom Petty for ages before I could even say “Tom Petty.” In truth the first complete sentence I said — “Go play on the freeway,” to a cute little old lady at the grocery store — was his fault, too. Supposedly I heard him say it to the dogs… apparently it’s real  kids understand more than you think.

Speaking of kids… munchkins actually play into the way things are evolving but first: I want to touch on the way I’ve been feeling lately: like a leaf in the wind. Every day I am blissfully unsure of how things will unfold. It’s the most free and open I’ve possibly ever felt in my silly little life.

So when I read this bit of “Jitterbug Perfume,” by Tom Robbins (borrowed from my Italian friend/queen Lisa) I almost fell off the toilet where I do most of my reading. In this section one of the main characters, an ex-king named Alobar, is having a conversation with the village shaman, who speaks first:

“I encourage you to ride this strange wind that is blowing through you, to ride it to wherever it will carry you.”

“But which way shall I go?”

“That is between you and the wind…”

Lately the wind and I have been having a riveting dialogue, because in the last 72 hours, the “plan” (if anyone can call it that) has changed. It’s worked itself out in the most enchanting of ways, unrolling like pastry dough on the counter, ready to be filled with crema, nutella or marmellata… But the last couple days, my friends, are a story all of their own. Long story short, I am not coming back to the States until September… but the details are still evolving and all of that deserves its own glorious post.

So, while this new direction works itself out like a much, much more pleasant kidney stone, let’s allow the wind to blow us back to Rome, shall we?

We therefore pick up the trail in a hot and humid afternoon breeze outside the train station in Spagna, the Spanish quarter, in search of our quaint hotel. Kelly and Jacob are uncomfortably warm; I — the lizard — am in my happy place.

After ditching our bags at in our cool hotel room and chugging an appropriate amount of water, we burst back into the sun to check off the first item on our tourist list: the ancient Colosseum. And on the way, enjoy horse hats, the stately Altare della Patria and some more really old crap.

Not to be that person (although I’m gonna be that person)… but last I spent time in Rome, it was March of 2005 with my good friend Amy (AP Photo!) and her friend, Sherry. The streets — and the Colosseum — were cold, but deserted. This round it was busier than centro on market day, but nonetheless, the ancient, enchantment of such a structure remained intact.

With throngs of other humans we wandered in awe past old columns the size of Redwood trees and arches that had watched not only gladiators, but now — with an ancient eye roll — modern-day Selfie Stick aficionados battling with their Smartphones. I personally don’t need one because I was born with an arm… actually, two of them…

Boom! The Colosseum 🙂

Frands.

The big picture.

Old crap.

Selfie sticksssss.

More selfie love.

Even people carried from across the globe and deposited there like so many pieces of guanciale in a really good Carbonara (one of Rome’s specialties), the magnificence of so much history was not obscured. To read the Colosseum was regularly flooded for ship battles is incredible; to read people were tossed into the labyrinth of the Colosseum with lions like fish food into a fish tank to be ripped into tiny little fish food-sized pieces is gruesome… but fascinating, to be sure. Ahhhh, history.

Outside the Colosseum, with sweat moving like curious ants through crevices on our bodies which — unlike the Roman ruins we stood among — had somehow until this point avoided excavation, we spotted something incredible: free cold water. Throughout Italy a refreshing army of potable water pours from the frozen metal maws of lions or stoic faces but here, there was a choice between naturale (still) or frizzante (sparkling) water. From that moment on, the fizzy water stop became mandatory on all expeditions.

Post-Colosseum we paused for our daily gelato stop and found an appropriately ugly spot to suck it down…

We took the scenic way home, bypassing the chaotic, clogged but more direct shopping hub on Via Del Corso, stumbling across this lovely courtyard that probably has a story of its own…

After the hot sun went to bed, we decided a trip to Trevi Fountain — featured in Fellini’s “La Dolce Vita,” — would be next. Despite feeling more like a zoo than one of Rome’s most ancient water sources (the Aqua Virgo Aqueduct built 19 B.C. provided water to the Roman baths and Rome’s central fountains), Trevi fountain at night was still magical. We grabbed a bottle of wine from a nearby enoteca and pizza al taglio (pizza baked in large rectangular pans, sliced in squares and re-nuked) and observed people chucking coins in the water. After some wine and some time, we noticed most people tossed over  left shoulders, turned backwards. The key to a wish come true, apparently, is not to watch after the coin leaves your hands.

After leaving the zoo, we retreated to our cool, dark room and passed the flip out.

In the morning it was ____. Yep, you guessed it, hot! After an Italian-style caffeine-pastry breaking of the fast, we headed towards the Roman Forum, rented audio guides and proceeded to march around learning about, among so many other things, the 7th century Temple of Vesta, Umbilicus Urbis (the Roman entrance to the Underworld) and Basilica Julia, built by Julius Caesar. Over it all sat a blue sky over which the brilliant sun ruled; Kelly and Jacob sweated to death and soon retreated to a popular shady area to revamp; I continued my wandering, sweating to life 🙂

Listening to some audio…

The remains of the Temple of Castor and Pollux.

Temple of Saturn, in the distance…

The Temple of Saturn.

Sharing grounds with the Forum was Palentine Hill, one of Rome’s Seven Hills and where Romulus first founded the original city in 753 BC. We wandered among the House of the Vestal Virgins, learning those lucky ladies had to keep their virginal, ahem, properties intact or, of course, they were killed. Lovely.

Kelly and Jacob kicked it in the shade while I ran up to the top of Palentine Hill to check out the garden atop it and of course, the view!

Post-Forum we made a pit stop for acqua frizzante with a herd of other thirsty humans, found more pizza al taglio for lunch and made our way to Via Labicana to rent three neon bikes from Wheely Bike. With the wind in our hair, we zipped over to the (free!) and glorious Pantheon. Formerly a Roman Temple, the Pantheon was constructed between 118-128 BC.

Inside, with everyone else, we gazed silently upwards to marvel at the Pantheon’s spectacular oculus. And — equally stunning — to postulate how, almost two thousand years after it was built, the Pantheon is still the world’s largest un-reinforced concrete dome. My mind still struggles to wrap itself around such a feat like a thick spaghetti noodle around a fork in a bowl of cacio e pepe (cheese, pepper sauce — another irresistible Roman culinary masterpiece).

After the Pantheon, we zipped through nearby (crowded) Piazza Navona on our way to the river and our obligatory gelato stop of the day: Gelateria Del Viale, some of the best gelato in Rome, according to a friend of mine. We cooled off along the river and rode the long way back to Wheely Bike to return our neon steeds…

DCIM101GOPRO

Gelateria del Viale.

Looking down from steps near Altare della Patria.

Exiting the bike path by the Tiber River.

Coming around the back of the Forum…

After we ditched bikes, we figured we’d have enough time to trot over to the room, powder our noses and head to dinner at the charmingly-named Guilio Passami l’Olio (Guilio, pass me the olive oil). But suddenly we were the Lemony Snickets amongst a series of Unfortunate events: First, missing the first bus because we were on the wrong side of the street. Second, Sylva — The One Who Has Been to Italy Many Times Before forgot to pop in a Tabacchi and buy tickets before catching the bus. And the third bus (of course) was late enough to push our delayed arrival into the realm of “maybe they’re not actually coming at all…” Eventually, we threw in the cheaper public transportation towel in and hailed a cab.

At Giulio Passami l’Olio we found a hopping scene and our reservation had somehow gotten lost in the shuffle like an olive in a very loud, well-dressed salad. Eventually, however, we sat in sweaty clothes and tennis shoe to eat delectable food and consult the restaurant’s fantastic wine bible, or Wible.

To digest and enjoy the temperate evening, we wandered back along the river, enjoying the play of the lights on the water, the trees swaying in the breeze and the feel of a big city under darkness.

Back at the ranch, we made quick work of falling dead asleep. In the morning, at 8:30 a.m., we had a hot date with the Vatican and the even more infamous Sistine Chapel…

Morning found us squeezing onto la metropolitana with the rest of Rome — the Romans to work and us to Vatican City. Like an open bottle of red wine, we poured out onto the streets, directed this way and that by hawkers and helpful folks associated with the Vatican — problem was, it was impossible to tell the difference. But with such volume of people heading to gawk at the plush, art-full innards of the Vatican, we found ourselves funneled right into the gaping, rope-lined mouth of the museum. Luckily, we bought tickets in advance and soon marched up a long spiral staircase into the Vatican.

A sign presented two options: a short tour and a long tour. Two plus hours, Egyptian heiroglyphics, Roman statues, ancient painted maps and medieval tapestries, several Salvador Dali pictures and a Sistine Chapel later, we couldn’t even imagine what the long tour entailed…

From one of the many Vatican windows, Rome, on and on…

Old ass stuff.

The Hall of Muses.

Some of the coolest maps of Italy and Europe possibly ever.

The Vatican’s dome.

Salvador Dali! One of my favorite artists!

In the Sistine Chapel, I was a very, very bad monkey and — amongst loud, firm admonitions via intercom for “Silenzio, per favore; silence, please!” and “no pictures” I fake sneezed, glanced both ways and pointed my very incognito camera straight up:

Oops…

After the Vatican, we located some grub and had just enough time to sprint up the Spanish Steps for a view before getting sucked back into the cockles of la metropolitana and the expansive Roman stazione for the ride back to Faenza…

On subsequent episodes of The Sylva Lining… there’s Venice and I answer the same question The Clash pondered: Should I stay or should I go now? And furthermore, how? As they say, where there’s a will there’s a way. Or, as this Roman street artist penned:

La Dolce Vita Sometimes I feel like my life is like a conversation between myself and Tom Petty. Me: Man, I've got the travel itch.