#this answer got long LKJAHDF but i really do find this

[kikiyo]

could you talk about kik and her desires? ( ie: does she WANT to be dead? does she want to live the life that was stolen from her?)

oh this is SUCH a good question, thank u from the bottom of my heart for asking bc this should be quite an interesting lil thought experiment ... let us dive in :3

first and foremost, to understand kikyo and the general concept of desires (or, more base-level, just "wanting" as a whole), it's helpful to look at her childhood and the way she brought herself up. her parents died shortly after kaede's birth, and so she was alone at the age of eight. it's not said exactly when but it wouldn't have been very long after that, taking on the role of kaede's mother, essentially, that she would have started training as a priestess. from the jump she was adept at keeping her own childish emotions at bay out of necessity, as she was responsible for her younger sister, as well as the duties requires by a priestess. the pair, probably around the time kikyo was 15 or so, and so kaede was around 7, traveled and slayed demons whilst training. everything about their existence was survival-based, and in the direct service of others.

when kikyo is given responsibility of the jewel, she is even further obligated to set aside any rambunctious emotions, wants, desires, fears, etc. that might make her come across vulnerable to yokai and evil men seeking the jewel. she had to turn herself to stone, and shed the happiness, joys, silliness and breakdowns that humans all faced – she was not able to want, because wanting would prove to be her downfall.

there's also a sidenote on this, something i haven't gotten into much at all but it is actually a major aspect of kikyo's character, that she was cursed by tsubaki (a fellow, rival priestess who was jealous that kikyo was given the jewel to protect), to die a violent death should she ever fall in love. kikyo wasn't worried about that, generally, because she didn't consider that she would ever fall in love. of course, it happens, the curse plays itself out, etc. etc. but all to say even if she didn't actively fear this curse, it still existed and she was aware of it, and it barred her from the part of herself that might one day have those desires.

onto the more specific part of this question re: does she want to be dead? the short answer would be no; but like all things it is of course a little more complicated than that. she would rather be alive, all told, but in death she found a sort of freedom she lacked in life. in fact, on this very subject, in a strange and unexpected way, she is able to want and desire and show that vulnerability more freely and completely than ever before. due to the soul she possesses being darkened by wrath, it is typically a desire that has to do with anger and hatred, but even then, this is a freedom all the same. and one she never had experienced beforehand.

the second question, does she want to live the life that was stolen from her – god, yes. and i think this is largely why she loathes inu so much, and why she is so cruel towards kagome. it is hurt, anger, resentment – she wants so badly to be able to live that life; firstly on the level that, in a literal sense, she was killed at so young an age and in her resurrection she knows that her time is limited and fleeting. secondly, because she never even had a chance to begin with – with her life as it was, she was always doomed to unhappiness, loneliness. she nearly had an out to that, with inu and the jewel, and that was taken from her – she sees inu alive, and she is jealous of that chance. she sees kagome being loved, not just by inu but by so many, and she sees this girl's happiness, kindness, and joy – things which she never had, and could never really express (save for kindness, which i would argue was always something she held onto as well in her lifetime, and she has a similar capacity for it as kag but most assuredly doesn't act on it often, especially now, and when she does it manifests differently).

kikyo had to hold back from wanting, from longing, from desire in its entirety. she is given that freedom, finally, in death, but this comes at a cost – that it is finite, and she does not have her entire life ahead of her. no matter her course, her path; she is fated to tragedy.