#this also makes me wonder how tf dating apps would go if i ever try them

[revlushaun]

I have a lot on my brain but journaling doesn't feel like enough I need to vent and discuss with someone who knows the exact feelings im going through so the best I will do is venting into my tumblr void of tags

[vrenaewrites]

CRAVE by Tracy Wolff thoughts: Chapter 0 - 21

Full video here.

In which a mortal girls goes to her uncle’s boarding school after the death of her parents, and finds it full of creatures.

CH 0 for some reason: if you’re not living on the edge, you’re taking up too much space

“Try my hardest not to freak the eff out” - if you’re gonna use expletives, use them

Immediate info dump of “if you’d told me two months ago i was gonna be in fairbanks alaska to get a puddle jumper to denali, the highest mountain point in north america” 

CH 1: landing is just throwing yourself to the ground and hoping you don’t miss

I thought these quotes were weird self help quotes but then i realized they were probably the chapter titles

The fog is referred to as “civil twilight” - this weirded me out because civil blood and twilight, idk if this is a real thing? Will look it up if i remember: it is the brightest of the 3 twilight phases and it is ABUNDANTLY clear that she added the civil part to not make it straight up twilight because this book is unwitting twilight satire

He tells her it’s a short runway “because it’s hard to keep a long one clear of snow or ice for any amount of time” HE’S IN THE MIDDLE OF LANDING A PLANE ATM BRO WE DON’T NEED ALL OF THAT INFO ATM

Grace is kind of funny if not a little cheesy

“Textbook landing” - maybe if that textbook is a horror novel he’s reading upside down and backwards - i don’t know if by listening to this i’m missing the line breaks and short sentences that would make this funny, so if i am lemme know but if she didn’t break this up it’s clunky

Her uncle is headmaster of the boarding school she’s being sent to

“Despite being a year younger than my own 17 years” - did you not read this out loud? Did no one hear how redundant that was?

“According to wikipedia, heeley - hailey? - has only one major road” she’s mentioned google and wikipedia at this point and idk if i’m the only one who finds that type of thing annoying af

“In weather that’s 20 degrees below freezing, if the app on my phone can be believed” THIS IS SO ANNOYING

“The insulated helmet will keep you warm as well as protect your head if we crash” yes macy we know what helmets are and also insulation, again the redundancy

CH 2: Just because you live in a tower doesn’t make you a prince

“Is that kadmere academy?” i shout - not, is that it? They’re on a snowmobile, with helmets on, and macy understood her...and she understood macy saying they’d be there in five minutes

She couldn’t google the academy

“I half expected quasimodo to be waiting for us when we got there”

It may be a castle but at least there’s no moat or dragon

Macy has short rainbow-colored hair

She’s wikipedia’d and googled her life away but didn’t expect to not be able to breathe since she’s coming from sea level and is now up in the mountains - i’m from florida and even i know what altitude sickness is

She sees a flash of red in the window “i don’t know who it is or why they even matter” ...what does that mean?

But she doesn’t see them when she looks back and she’s disappointed, which she acknowledges makes no sense…

“I should be bowing and scraping right about now”

It’s a castle with an xbox and giant flat screen, and they have wifi AND cell service up in the desolate mountains. I went to cossayuna - 476 feet above sea level, 7 miles from a town - and NONE of us had cell service the entire time

She picks up a chess piece and it’s a carved vampire, then a dragon

Then she comes face to face with the most intimidating guy i’ve ever seen, not just because he’s hot, there’s something different and powerful though i don’t have a clue what it is”

Face too intense to be beautiful, skyscraper cheekbones????, red lips, stone-cutting jaw, bottomless obsidian eyes, obscene lashes

Trapped by his stare, hypnotized by the sheer magnetism rolling off him in waves

“Annoyance flashes through me”

He’s blocking her view of anything else - did he step between her and the chess board?? Confusion, but because of this she has to look at his long lean body

“Double-wide shoulders” gross

“Nothing to do but admit that this boy is sexy AF - a little wicked, a lot wild, and all dangerous”

“Seriously, when exactly did i become the heroine of some YA romance? The new girl swooning over the hottest, most unattainable boy in school?”

CH 3: vampire queens aren’t the only ones with a nasty bite

He quotes hamlet to her, and she corrects him for fucks sake

“I warned your uncle you wouldn’t be safe here, but he obviously doesn’t like you much”

“Welcome to alaska?” “more like welcome to hell, now get the fuck out”

“Ignoring the pterodactyls flying around in my stomach” - this is a great line if it didn’t take you completely out of the action, which it does

This whole exchange about big bad monsters is soooooo fucking cliche

And he’s talking about the chess pieces the whole time????? Am confusion.

She’s so horny for this insane man screaming at her and cornering her

She says she’s lost everything that matters and he changes, his agony visible behind “layers and layers of defenses he’s erected”

It’s calling to her own agony

They're soooo connected and staring at each other

He pulls on one of her curls and it makes her super horny

“Five minutes ago he was being a total douche to me”

Pushing him is like pushing a wall of granite

He’s got a scar down half his face that she didn’t notice until now????

“A fallen angel with a bad boy vibe for miles”

She’s touching his scar…

“I don’t understand you”

AND SHE QUOTES HIM QUOTING HAMLET IN RESPONSE

CH 4: shining armor is so last century

“Mr. tall dark and surly” would be more snarky and cute if she didn’t just have an ~earth-shattering moment of connection~ with him over their agony or w/e

Some weird instinct i don’t understand tells me not to mention that guy - the amount of times this girl has acknowledged something she doesn’t understand is so redundant and weird.

She keeps referring to the guy she spent half the last chapter basically falling in insta-love with as “tall dark and surly” as if that didn’t happen, as if he was just a dick and then he left without all the insta-love shit

Uncle finn and flint is a student...couldn’t pick any other name?

“A smile in his eyes that’s as different from the other guy’s iciness as the stars just outside the windows are from the endless midnight blue of the sky” and i’ve fallen asleep while she was spinning this long unending heavy-handed metaphor

His eyes blaze with sympathy

He offers to give her a piggyback up the stairs…

“You’re so little i won’t even notice” not lyk other girls guyz

Four guys open the door and they’re all sexy AF, tall dark and surly is among them ofc

“I couldn’t help but wonder why the icy guy made me hot and the one lending me his warmth left me cold” WE GET IT WE FUCKING GET IT WE DIDN’T NEED YOU TO SPELL OUT THE ALLUSION

“I want a name to go with his insane body and even more insane face”

CH 5: things hot pink and harry styles have in common

Macy is a cinnamon roll i love her

His name is JAXON VEGA...JAXON. G2G

Macy was so nice to her that she finally starts crying because macy is the BEST

Grace puts on a harry styles t-shirt and macy is dancing around to watermelon sugar when she comes back. This book already feels dated and it came out last month

CH 6: no i don’t really want to build a snowman

She wakes up in the middle of the night thinking about jaxon and almost has a panic attack

I hope in the actual book there is a tw for panic attacks because when i see / read about the symptoms of one or a description of one it triggers one for me

She goes exploring the castle in the dark to avoid the attack

Some guys come in wearing like concert tees and ripped jeans and she wonders if they’re ghosts, like how hogwarts has ghosts

I could swear he was sniffing me which was totally bizarre and not ghostlike behavior at all - this was cringe except i was listening to it at like 2x speed so when you hear it fast it’s actually funny

The guys corner her

They say something like “show us what you can do” and they seem to smell something about her…? They’re werewolves maybe??

CH 7: Something really freaking wicked this way comes

Hate these titles sfm

“With my thin california blood, i won’t last in the snow”

Jaxon saved her ofc and makes the guys apologize

“The moon is doing its thing” they’re totally werewolves

She thanks him and he’s like “i just made you a pawn in a game” and she’s like dude what but he’s staring at her and it’s making her hot and bothered

He wipes blood of her bottom lip and sucks it off and she finds it SUPER sexy

“This isn’t like your old high school”

He whispers in her ear “you have no idea what i know” and i’m like..okay dis kinda hot or whatever

She wonders when she’ll see him again and why it matters so much to her - bitch because he makes you horny!!!! Just say that!!!!!!

CH 8: Live and let die

It’s at this point that i stopped for the first round, and i had to ask: why the FUCK didn’t macy or the headmaster tell grace that this was a school for - obviously - vampires and werewolves? Is macy one? Is it genetic? Grace is a mortal according to the back of the book.

Grace tells macy what happened minus jax

She mentions to macy the boys didn’t have cold weather gear on and macy’s like hmmm weird idk anything about that

And they’re going to a party tonight and grace is like i don’t wear makeup i only own makeup and lip gloss and i’m like...did i accidentally re-download AFTER because here we go with the NLOG syndrome

The party is a welcome party for grace - and it’s actually a high tea??? Tf?

“I’d die without netflix”

“Have you seen this show legacies? It’s about a bunch of supernatural creatures that go to a boarding school! Isn’t that silly??!”

And then macy says, “who can resist a hot vampire?”

Guys….are we SURE this isn’t satire?

“I can’t help remembering what those guys said about the moon doing its thing when i see the werewolf on the show…”

CH 9: Even hell has its factions

Omg her dress is showing off too much of her big boobs, maybe the jeans she originally wanted to wear will be better

Macy calls her beautiful and then we get a full “with my curly hair and freckles and this color eyes i’m so not beautiful, i’m wallpaper next to macy”

“We could be fashionably absent” lol

The beads on the door don’t shock grace but they shock everyone because she is NOT LIKE OTHER GIIIIIIIIRLS

This castle is goth chic baybeeeeee the light fixtures are downturned thorny black roses where can i cop these

“The pterodactyls in my stomach are now butterflies”

She says FML. did a 50 year old woman write this. Edit: i looked, i cannot find how old this author is

Velvet wallpaper, wall sconces shaped like dragons, LET ME IN

“Self-imposed isolation” lol little did she know what a phrase in the lexicon this would become in 2020

Cliques include muscular people near the windows, soft flowery delicate people in the back of the room which are macy’s friends, super-tall literally hot people in the middle, and the black-or-white money people that seem to be more formal

She says “basketball anyone??” re the tall people lol

I am going to guess: werewolves, witches, dragons??, and vampires

Macy keeps having coughing fits?

Hot redhead - simone, hot dark girl - lily, hot asian girl - gwen

“Simone’s just bitter all the guys are looking at you”

Grace loves dr. pepper so i fuck with her

Macy’s boyfriend is cam and his friend is james, who looks at her like she is food?

“I’m just not that interesting”

CH 10: turns out, the devil wears gucci

Would i have probably picked this title as well? Yes. did it make me cringe nonetheless? Fer shure.

“Do i need some jerk trying to make me his afternoon snack?” huh???? As far as you know these are normal boys...make it make sense

Jaxon makes his ENTRAAAANCE BABY

Dressed all in gucci black - she can tell from across the goddamn room

“Jaxon is anything but regular, anything but ordinary, even here among the blatantly extraordinary”

Icy blank stare soooooo much

She calls his voice low wicked and wild

She can’t stop thinking about “running my tongue over the perfect bow of his upper lip, dragging is lower lip between my teeth”

Idk where these thoughts are coming from!!!! Baby you 17 c’mon now

I try to think of anything else, snow!

She takes a drink and it goes down the wrong pipe lmaoooo

“At least if i find a bathroom i can die in peace” lol

But he touches her and she stops choking and she’s like “he couldn’t have stopped that, i know, but…”

He stares at her as he bites the strawberry and she takes it as a threat

CH 11: in the library, no one can hear you scream

“His moods change more quickly than my bffs instafeed” I -

Oh so NOW she’ll say “the fuck you in his eyes” but she was saying freaking and eff before...did her publisher tell her only x amount of fucks per book?

She goes into the library and her body is like RUN, but she ignores it…

There are beautiful gargoyles and ornate shelves and...stickers fucking everywhere?

The gargoyle is pointing to an secret room that says students needs permission, but she hears chanting and decides to check it out since it might be one of the native languages spoken in alaskaaaaaaaaaa

“Especially because some of them only have less than 4,000 speakers left in the world” okay gracie-pedia tf?

CH 12: it’s all fun and games until someone loses their life

She meets a girl named Leah - who was the one chanting

Okay but i do fuck with the horror movie quote pillows…

Damn leah’s boyfriend died…

“Tea from homemade leaves” again...read this out loud before you put it in a published novel...do you mean loose leaves? Do you mean homegrown leaves?

Is she gonna poison her????

“What do you guys have to lie about that’s so important?” “Everything”

CH 13: just bite me

“Lol jk”

“Finish your drink” BITCH IT’S POISON

Macy and leah are being soooo weird about what could have happened to grace on her own

Apparently leah is super popular and secretive so it’s weird she took to grace so fast - is this a NLOG sitch or a “come into my web little fly” sitch?

She pukes because of “altitude sickness” aka poisoning i bet

CH 14: knock knock knocking on death’s door

This theme of bastardization of guns and roses songs is really....something.

Grace takes a mental health day because she’s still feeling weird

Flint comes to check on her and invite her to a snowball fight…?

If your character’s name is grace, i feel like you can’t use gracefully as an adjective, the same way you wouldn’t say Rue said something ruefully.

Flint kisses her cheek and i’m already waiting for this Great Value Edward/Jacob triangle

But he makes her feel ~nothing~ compared to jaxon

CH 15: so hell actually can freeze over

Macy likes flint, uh-oh

But the different groups don’t mix

“What is this, mean girls alaska edition?” - stfu

Omg her uncle checks on her and he reminds her of her dad and :(

We get sooooooo much detail about how to dress to go out into the wilderness...here is one thing i was able to find out: tracy wolff lives in texas. So i feel like she did ALL this research and then was like y’all gonna LEARN ABOUT THIS I SPENT TOO MUCH TIME!

As a girl who has never ever seen snow, i felt this fascination

She finds a gnarled up weird tree guarding a trail

“A weird sense that i should turn around - like the feeling in the library - came over me but i knew i was just being silly”

The lack of survival instinct henny

She comes across a gazebo where leah and jaxon are sitting

CH 16: sometimes keeping your enemies close is the only thing that prevents hypothermia

That’s not a chapter title, it’s an entire sentence…

Ooh they’re having an angry, intimate convo

And leah slaps him!!

“They’re looking at me like they’re the predators and i’m the prey they can’t wait to sink their teeth into” we get it, first of all. Second of all, what is with the long-winded metaphors

“Every time i catch sight of him i feel something tug at me i can’t identify, something i have no ability to explain” it’s horniness.

Then she just leaves but he catches up to her

With his sexy af hair blowing

“Trying to run away from all the thing he makes me feel when really i just want to grab on to him and hold on tight” - so what is the truth?! You keep acting like you don’t know what the feeling is but clearly, YOU DO.

“Everyone answers to me, eventually.” - we found the line used in the adverts guys!

Oh my god, what an asshat. Asshole, i would have laughed. Asshat is stupid.

It’s annoying af

Doing my best dory impression: just keep walking

“Making friends with a dr - a guy like flint” CALLED IT, he’s a dragon

Leah’s boyfriend was jaxon’s brother

Neither leah nor jaxon was wearing a jacket. BOOM

CH 17: it’s discretion, not diamonds, that’s a girl’s best friend

Not only cringe but grammatically incorrect…she coulda just said “discretion is a girl’s best friend” and we woulda got the reference….

Grace mentions jaxon in front of macy and she’s supes weird and grace is FINALLY like wtf is the secret you’re hiding from me

“She looks at me like i’m a few snowflakes short of a snowball” SOMEONE. READ THIS OUT LOUD. WHERE IS HER EDITOR I JUST WANNA TALK.

The order?! “Just a nickname for the popular boys” bullSHIT

Macy FREAKS OUT when she realizes grace has been alone with jaxon

She says he was interesting and “macy looks at me like i said i wanted to bodysurf the alaskan tundra”

Macy “We’re talking about jaxon right? Arrogance of a rock star?”

She didn’t mention “the scar that turns him from to pretty sexy af, and scary af”

“He’s not the one who tried to kill me” “you’ve only been here a few days, give it time” get her MACY!

HE WAS LISTENING!!!!

CH 18: how many hot guys does it take to win a snowball fight?

Ooh jaxon mad that grace is going to flint’s snowball fight

“His breath is so warm and soft that i can feel it everywhere, even deep inside” okay you horny bitch!!!!! Was this cringe or did i like it or both?

“The orange and dark water scent of him” ...what? Dark water is a cologne? Or does she literally mean like the dark water of the ocean? What in confusion

Her throat is always tight and dry around him, all the time, every day

Flint pops up and he is wearing a dragon beanie…

The rest of the order shows up and “For the first time the phrase got your back makes sense” to grace...are you kidding me? You never understood a very simple common phrase til now? Sure jan

SEXUAL TRIANGLE TENSIOOOOOOOOON

But she only has eyes for Jaxon...they both reach to touch each other.

“Grace” it’s barely a whisper but i feel it all the way inside myself BITCH

“Something tells me this boy and his world famous disappearing act is going to be the death of me”

CH 19: we came, we fought, i froze

Civil twilight AGAIN.

“I didn’t think screwed up and obnoxious was your type” me-OW

The snowball fight happens

Sounds like fun, the designer faction isn’t there

“Did she just do parkour against that tree?” re: Macy so close to being funny. I did exhale through my nose. Then “did you just parkour that tree?” i DID laugh

Flint climbs the tree with grace over his shoulder ‘like spider man’ and all i can think is “you better hold on tight spider monkey”

The wind is so strong it knocks her out of the tree…

CH 20: there’s never a parachute around when you need one

Flint catches her in mid-air...this man… #teamflint2020

“You’re heavier than you look” dead

He has shame in his eyes? Why?

Because JAXON IS THERE AND HE IS MAD!

And flint is SUPER MAD!!!!!!!

Jaxon puts himself between grace and flint so grace can’t touch flint

“Can i just say i’m feeling a lot like alice in wonderland here? Things get curiouser and curiouser.” stfu

I was laughing because she was like “so much for fitting in, now i might as well be painted biohazard orange” but then she said fml. Stfu

Jaxon picks her up

CH 21: I like standing on my own two feet, but getting swept off them feels surprisingly good, too

If it takes up more than one line of a google docs page IT’S NOT A FUCKING CHAPTER TITLE!!!!!

Ooh and his arms feel really good around her, REALLY good

Now he smells like orange and snow and it’s making her crazy

Macy looks at them like she’s getting punk’d

“Grace.” “what?” “shut up.” i’m dead

“I sprained my ankle, i’m not dying of consumption” “yeah well, the night is young” this made me lol despite it being more of macy’s voice than jaxon’s

Jaxon is blaming grace for falling? “You don’t see macy falling out of her tree” is he negging her rn?

She’s called him super-sexy twice in a paragraph

Macy goes to get ice bc she’s scared of Jaxon and grace says, “Et tu, brute?” lmaooo

“I can do it myself” “maybe i wanna do it for you” and macy squeaks LMAO

His scar makes his smile a crooked little smirk...who else had a crooked smirk...the vampire this is 1000% based on, maybe?

“I find myself relaxing despite myself” guys. Reading is power. Read your work out loud so you can hear when you use the same word twice in a sentence, like this.

“My whole body lights up like the aurora borealis i’m still dying to see”

They almost kiss but don’t bc macy comes back

~~~

[5hfanfiction]

I have an über big crush on you

watt = longerr_hours check out my shit 

So Lauren has no idea how to use uber. She’s always had the app, for emergencies like the one she’s in now (if being stuck at your ex boyfriend’s party at three in the morning is considered an emergency), but she’s never been in one and she isn’t quite sure what the process is. 

Does she talk to the driver? Does she awkwardly sit there for the twenty minutes that it is then give them five stars to make up for the lack of convo? Does she sit in the back, or is that weird (no obviously you sit in the back, but like, still it feels weird). 

She orders one, and it takes a second but then the driver pops up and she thought she’d have to approve of them but like, whatever, and when she click son the picture she’s shocked to see someone so young looking driving. 

She has a 4.9 star rating and it says she’s been doing this for 9 months and almost two hundred drives so Lauren take sit she must be nice and eagerly waits to escape the party that feels it’s been going on for years. 

It’s a small silver car, and like fuck off Lauren doesn’t know cars enough to know the car so don’t h8. But it’s small, and she makes a beeline towards it, dodging the other drunks on the porch and then she’s safely inside, and dace to face with the most beautiful person she’s ever seen. 

“Why hello there, you seem in a rush,” pretty face giggles and Lauren doesn’t car show nerdy that is because it’s so cute coming from pretty face- Camila, her name said Camila. 

“Yeah a little bit,” Lauren laughs, buckling in as Camila pulls off the curb and into the quiet neighborhood. 

“Rough night? Or other? Or something you’re not going to talk to your uber driver about why am I being so pushy?” she jokes and Lauren can’t help but giggle at the girl.

She’s more gorgeous in person, the picture was pretty but it certainly didn’t do her justice, and Lauren wonders if she had a high rating simply because it was an honor to be looking at her. 

“Something like that,” Lauren mumbles, still checking her driver out before shaking her head and continuing so she doesn’t seem rude. “My ex had a party and somehow I ended up there, there with him and it was just, my driver got drunk and I’ve been trying to leave for hours and, yeah that about sums it up.”

And like, she’s glad she got a young driver because she actually feels fine talking about that with her and it’s nice to tell someone else how unfortunate her night has been. 

“Oh yikes,” Camila shudders, extra - ly but Lauren just giggles, glad she’s getting in a better mood already. “I’d have walked home hours ago.”

“I would’ve but I live on the west side of the campus so it’s a bit of a hike,” she replies.

(AN this is a made up campus i d on not know what campus would have a twenty minute erie from one side to the other i am sorry deeply but not really thx u)

“No way! I live by there too, what dorm are you in?”

“I’m in Kingsly,” Lauren replies with a fake gag and Camila laughs, nodding in agreement since that’s known to be a shitty area. 

“I’m Dalton, it’s not that much better but anything is better than Kingsly,” she jokes as Lauren nods in agreement. “What year are you?" 

And like, the girls kind of just click. 

They talk for the whole twenty minutes and Camila thanks Lauren in the end for living close to her so she can end her night back home which Lauren accepts despite having not done it on purpose which Camila shushes her about. 

Lauren spends the night thinking about Camila, and her cute little smile and her cute hair and her cute eyes and her cute self and well, it’s no shock when she finds herself ordering an uber two days later to the library just to see it Camila will get her. (She waits the two days so she doesn’t seem desperate.) And when she sees that Camila is her driver she may or may not do a little happy dance. 

"Long time no see,” Camila grins as Lauren gets not the car. “First partying now library though, I have to say I’m shocked at the change.”

“Oh so partiers can’t be studious too?” Lauren jokes and they easily fall into conversation. 

They fall into such good conversation about books and reading that Camila decides to follow her into the library to check out some stuff but that’s kind of a negative since Lauren didn’t actually plan on staying at the library (she just wanted to see Camila, can you blame her?).

After grabbing a book on something biology related though, Lauren looks studious as fuck and decides to check out. Camila offers her a ride back and Lauren can’t help but grin like a love struck fool when she pulls open the shot gun door and says she thinks they should “take this step in their relationship”. 

And that’s how it starts.

Lauren pretending she need sot go places to talk to Camila, and Camila driving her there and filling her days with jokes and adorableness. 

“Hey super star, what’s cooking?” Camila grins as she leans back in her seat and waits for Lauren to get in. 

“Hallo,” Lauren smiles, not hesitating in unplugging Camila’s phone form the AUX  she learned a while ago that Camila doesn’t mind and turning on her “good vibes” playlist. When “Close” by Nick and Tove Lo fills the air Camila smiles brightly and begins the journey. (Camila has a crush on him, she just won’t admit it, but Lauren doesn’t mind spoiling her with a song every now and then cause who tf don’t have a crush on Nick Jonas.)

She just wanted McDonald’s, and she knows uber delivers food too now, but she’d prefer to get Camila. 

“So you really want that McD’s crap or will you let me get you Wendy’s instead?” Camila cuts in after a second of starting the drive. 

Lauren huffs, pretending to be offended, but answers anyways, “Honestly that’s a hike though, unlike you I ain’t getting paid to spend time with you so I’m feeling the crap.”

Camila looks at the smirking girl for another moment before banging a u-turn and taking off for the city center that Lauren knows the Wendy’s is located. “My treat, the ride and food, consider it payback for you constantly paying my electricity bills with this shit." 

"Wendy’s and the AUX?” Lauren grins, turing up the volume and leaning her chair back to recline, “my kind of date Cabello." 

She loves eyeing Camila blush, so yeah, she says stuff like that a lot since it’s easy to get the other girl to blush. 

And the thing is, they’re kind of kind of dating. Like they go out to lunch a lot now after that time, and usually Camila will cover the food since Lauren covers the gas and such. (One time Lauren even catches her sneaking bill sin to her purse when she goes to the bathroom to pay her back for the drive, and eventually they’re just texting each other to get lunch instead of doing the whole uber thing. 

And the thing is, Lauren really thinks she might be going crazy for Camila. She really likes her and, well Lauren isn’t one to like somebody, she never has and she didn’t think she’d ever be the relationship type if she’s being honest, but something about Camila’s dorky charm and adorable jokes has her smitten. 

She tries to tell her this, but every time she does she trips over hr words and ends up not committing. 

When she finally does tell Camila about her crush, about what’s been on her mind, she does so in probably the most awkward encounter ever. 

She’s cheap, so she always goes for the uber pools, but she’s never had to share a car with someone. Of course though, as soon as she opens her mouth about it her luck changes. 

"Hey Lo what’s-” Camila starts but Lauren cuts her off, wanting to shoot the bull in the horns or whatever the fuck.

“I like you,” she starts as soon as she shuts the door to Camila’s small car. At Camila’s confused look she continues, “I really, really like you and I really have for a while and I, I know we only talk every now and then but I’m crazy about you and-" 

And then the back door is opening, and the man to ruin Lauren’s time to shine steps into the car. 

"Hey sorry, I saw her get in and didn’t know if it was the right car,” he smiles, gesturing towards Lauren as he straps his seatbelt on. 

“It’s fine, it’s, it’s okay yeah it’s greta okay we can go now,” Lauren answers for a still shocked Camila who’s mouth is about flopping at this point.

“Lo I-”

“Drive Camz,” Lauren says under her breath, glad that the man is paying more attention to his phone than their conversation. “We can talk later… or forget it, let’s forget it thank youu.” And yeah, she books it from the car as soon as the car stops. 

(She still gives Camila five stars of course and a five dollar tip for any mental trouble she put her through.)

Camila shows up at her apartment a few days later, no uber request, no call to let her know she’s coming, no knock really, she was just there as Lauren was going out for coffee and when she asked if Lauren would come with her the green eyed girl couldn’t find it in herself to hesitate.

They’d driven by the set up before, but when Camila pulls aside into the lot with the view Lauren thinks maybe this girl is meant for her (if she’s willing to do this cheesy, sappy shit).

It’s almost seven, and it’s mid November so it’s chilly and Camila’s brought blankets to wait for the sun to go down and it’s, quite literally it’s the most perfect thing Lauren could’ve imagined. 

All awkwardness she could’ve expected after their last encounter is gone as she curls up next to Camila and eventually they’re cuddled up on the hood of her car talking about everything and nothing.

Camila ends up holding her, and she also ends up breaking the comfortable silence they fall into once it’s finally dark out.

“Can I tell you something?” Camila asks after a few minutes of silence.  Lauren doesn’t bother lifting her head from the older girls chest, just nods into her because she’s too content in the moment to ruin anything. 

She feels the deep breath Camila takes and notices the shake to Camila’s hand as it rests itself on her waist, curling around her to pull her just a little bit closest before saying, “I kind of have an uber big crush on you,” and yup, Lauren thinks she could fall in love with this girl without trying. 

She does pull back then, but she doesn’t ruin the moment, she makes it better, finally connecting their lips after what’s felt like years, and what has definitely been worth it.

When she finally pulls back it’s because they’re both smiling too hard to keep kissing, so yeah, it’s kind of a perfect moment.  

[rubyvroom]

the last six months: a summary

* received word that we were losing our apartment in the most roundabout and confusing way possible, by getting a lease six months short of a full year. At Christmas. Nobody wants to explain to us why. We have to track down our building manager and sit her down and ask what tf is up. 

*Turns out we are losing the apartment TO HER. Because she is losing her place, and she is buddies with the landlord, so she talked the landlord into kicking us out and giving it to her. Now, we have lived in this apartment for 12 years and we thought we were friends with the landlord, so this was fairly shocking. Lesson #1 Kids: you are never friends with your landlord. Never. Anyway, I would have been inclined to feel bad for said manager, who is older and her husband is sick and they are clearly having financial issues, but she gave us such an “I don’t have to explain anything to you” attitude that I have permanently crossed her over to Fuck You Forever category. Also she refused to explain exactly when and exactly how all this was gonna go for another bunch of weeks, and also refused to refund us our security deposit and our last month’s rent, because it was ten years ago and we can’t prove we paid it. After, again, twelve years of being perfect tenants and taking great care of the place. Yeah, fuck you lady. Our finances are no picnic either and sadly we are NOT buddies with a landlord to hook us up, as the next six months proved.

*for this reason, we’re gonna neglect to mention that we have had bats in the house again. Yeah, she can figure that out AFTER she’s moved in. Have fun with that. 

*Anyway, cue months and months of looking for a new place to live. Friends, Boston real estate is BRUTAL. There are twenty other people looking at any one place you mange to get in to see and they will snatch it out from under you before you’ve pulled back the shower curtain. Every place wants first, last, security, broker fees, key deposit, your firstborn son, etc. We are used to finding places to live on Craigslist by searching for roommates, this is what we always did in the past before I moved in with Mr. X when his roommate moved out. Looking for a place just for us two, no roommates, involves dealing directly with Real Estate agents, building management companies, and landlords. All of whom, Lesson #2, are not there to help you, each other, or anyone but themselves.

*Whenever we did find a place that was not an actual hole in the ground and put in an application, we would get stone cold turned down. My credit score is shitty, and Mr. X is a freelancer without a steady paycheck, so we might as well have had leprosy. This despite the fact that I actually fully paid off my entire student loan this year as well as ALL my credit card debt, so I actually owe nothing to anybody. We have fantastic references, great rental history, and steady income. Does anybody care? Nooooope. They see that number and our application goes in the trash. Not that anybody would tell us this, mind, without me repeatedly calling to ask if they’d called our references yet and if they needed a paycheck stub. They just stopped calling and wasted our time rather than just tell us we were out of the running. This happened over and over and over.

*Couple other Fun Things That Happened: The place with the american flags and the Mystery Landlord who lived on the third floor but nobody ever saw - we chickened out on applying to that one because it sounds blatantly like Jordan Peele’s next horror movie. There was the place that suddenly was no longer available once we had parked on the street in front of it and texted to let them know we were there. Did he look out the window and see an interracial couple and suddenly go Nope? We’ll never know, but we got enough Weird Vibes at places we looked at to have to wonder. There was a summer sublet that was lovely and belonged to a professor who would be sending the summer in France, and we were this close to signing it but put an application down on a 1yr lease instead, and by the time we got turned down for that we had lost the sublet too. There were more real estate agents than I ever want to see again in my life and a whooole lot of basement apartments with no windows that made me want to cry.

*We got down to one month before we lose our current place and had already had our application rejected multiple times. We looked at an apartment right on my birthday that was beautiful, just down the street (so still in our neighborhood), and right in our price range. Put in the app, talked to the landlord, had long conversations with the landlord, landlord called all our references who gave us glowing reviews, were discussing move-in dates, and then she ran my credit report. Literally asked me to explain individual items on my credit report to her satisfaction. Then wrote us an email (after all this talk on the phone) to say that the place was no longer available because someone decided not to move out. 

*I lost my shit. I cried. I am not a crier. We talked about moving into separate apartments with roommates again. We talked about putting our stuff in storage and couch surfing. We talked about me going out to North Carolina to live with my parents and him moving in with a friend (this to me was NEVER an option, but it was raised). Then we buckled down and went back to work. Entire days surfing the 18 different apartment listing sites. Contacting real estate agents. Me pleading for help on Tumblr. Making appointments on the phone and checking them separately to cover more ground. Pretty much around the clock stress and work.

*Lesson #3: After all this, it became clear to me that anyplace I get to live with Mr. X is gonna be home. Everything else is bonus. So we were gonna make something work, no matter what.

*Two weeks before d-day we put out three more applications on places we could easily see ourselves living in. By then we’re so pummeled by the process that we were totally prepared to be rejected again, but wouldn’t it be funny if the one time we put in multiple applications several of them were accepted…?

*It was. It was funny. All three places wanted us. On one we got the hook-up from a real sweet twentysomething real estate agent in a managed building with a good commute, another we met the current tenants who were doing the searching for their landlord and hit it off, and the third we went out to see on a whim right after it was posted and it turned out to be gorgeous. So then we had to decide, in really short order, what to do. Still scared of losing all three of them and ending up with nothing, I had already put a deposit with the real estate agent on the managed building apartment. So if we didn’t take that one we would lose a month’s rent. But the last place, the afterthought place, really stuck in our minds, and in the end we ate the cost of the deposit and took that one. 

*SO. Our new place. It is the best place we saw anywhere this whole time. The BIGGEST place we saw this whole time. 3+ bedrooms, y’all. A dining room. New kitchen. New bathroom. I am pinching myself. I was trying not to jump up and down while we were looking at it. Landlady was doing up the place herself, showed the place herself, lives in the building herself, was cool as shit. We got on that fast. Applied that night. She accepted, we’ve been over there, signed the lease, it’s all set.

*Two more things fell into place: we got an extra week at the old place, because building manager does not have her shit together to move in yet. They were actually hoping to get a whole other month’s rent from us, but happily, we are outta here on Saturday after pro-rating a week of rent. This allows our new landlady to finish painting the last room, and also we don’t have to move on the first of the month which is always madness. 

*Last thing? Astonishingly enough, after preparing ourselves for six months for our rent to go up several hundred dollars a month and have to tighten our budget and give up things, and after getting rid of a significant proportion of our belongings because it looked like we would be living in a basement 1-bedroom for the forseeable future? And after Mr. X pretty much gave up on the idea of having a home studio for his freelance work? Our new apartment with room for an art studio is CHEAPER than what we pay now. 

*Holy shit, right? Lesson #4: Sometimes a few ulcers later it all works out. 

ps. THANK YOU to all my tumblr buddies who supported me during my crazy stress over all this, and particularly the people who offered direct help and advice. @undeniablyotiose @liaratsoniii @mcnamak, other people who I’m probably forgetting, people who sent videos and supportive messages, bless your souls, thank you for the help. 

[midiaryofus]

Part 2 of why I said I don’t see a future with you..

January 25th 2018

The last post, it seemed more on a loving note. But there is a negative side, to why I said I don’t see a future.

The first reason is simply. We’re different. We want different things.

To you, it’s normal and completely fine to go three days without texting a girlfriend type person.

I used to be afraid, of my flaws and admiring them. But now, I’m like, “yeah I’m a judgmental bitch”. And I don’t care. I’m a judgmental bitch, and you’ll fully agree with me on that later on in this post.

Everybody wants different things in a relationship. I’ve been in enough to know what I do and don’t want.

And after being in so many effed up relationships..I •need• consistency.

I’m an understanding person. I can understand someone who has a busy schedule. But in a relationship, I need someone who can spend time with me. It really bothers me that we’re almost at the 2 year mark, but haven’t watched a single movie, tv show, anything together. We haven’t done so many relationshipy type stuff. It bothers me.

(we've still never watched a full movie. We've only watched like 20 minutes of the kissing booth together in Sept 2018 -this commented added -feb 2021)

In my fantasy’s, you hold me, you want to. You don’t yell at me. You look at me like I’m the person you love. You think I’m amazing. You can’t image being with anyone else. You feel so deeply about me. You match my own feelings for you. You hold me so tightly that the broken pieces of my heart get pushed back together.

In reality: you don’t. You don’t talk to me. You don’t want to be with me. You don’t think I’m amazing. You think I’m a waste of time. You don’t say anything flirty when I send dirty pics.

Last night

(This is the part where you call me a judgmental bitch).

I watched porn. It was just a video on the main page. Usually I just watch a guy and a girl doing it. That’s pretty much all I’ve been watching since we’ve gotten close. Because when I watch that stuff I think about you.

So I was watching it, and the guy in it, he’s the type of guy I fall for.

He said “I don’t get off first, I’m a gentleman”. And to that I just laughed but yeah that’s really good of a guy, to let a girl go first. But anyway, I started to see his personality and liked more of what I saw. I ended up going back to the start of the video, and I watched the whole thing though it was 22 minutes. And after that, I watched more of his videos.

I watched 9 of his videos. Maybe now you know where I’m going with this..

So. I though, “what if I watch more of these vids What if I watch 9 of them. The same number of girls Damien’s been with. Maybe I’ll be able to better understand.”

(why did I think that would be a good idea? I deeply apologize for this post. I erased a ton of disgusting judgmental crap)

I thought parrot was waiting for someone special. And I didn’t realize before him that I was too. But he wasn’t. He just wanted whatever he could get.

But then, you told me 9. (I’m sorry. I’m a judgmental bitch)

(yes you are)

You told me 9 and I wondered why. You told me 9 thought, that you weren’t waiting to save anything for the girl you end up with. Just doing it with whoever you’re with. No big deal.

When I’m with you, you just make me feel like I’m the only girl.

But when we’re not together, I don’t feel that anymore. Don’t feel like I’m the only girl. That there’s been many girls.

But it’s no big deal right? It’s just sticking a penis in a vagina. And I know nothing since im a virgin and I should go get fucked so I can stop playing the virgin card, right?

I’m sorry I hurt you.

I never told you this. But. When you told Chris, “she’s playing the virgin card. She wants me to regret being with those girls or whatever. I don’t regret being with the girls I’ve been with.” Something along those lines. It really hurt me.

So I finished. Watched the 9 videos. I cried.

(Dear 2018 me, why TF you crying over his past? He didn't cheat on you. Just because he's been with other girls, doesn't mean he'll keep doing that stuff with other girls while talking to you. That's His past, not yours, leave it alone.

Sincerely, 2021 me. Ps, stop talking about your ex's so much, it's annoying for me to have to keep going through these messages and deleting parts where you want to random insert an ex. It's an ex. Leave them in the past where they belong.)

Some people, try to avoid things. I was doing both. Trying to avoid them but also trying to understand them.

I mean, guys are so braggy and full of themselves. “Yeah I’ve fucked this many girls. I’m gonna fuck a girl tonight.”

I don’t want to be with someone like that.

I don’t want to make you feel bad. If you were my guy friend, and we never fell in love and we were only just friends, I’d tell you something different.

I’d tell you, that it’s fine, however many girls you’ve slept with. That there’s nothing wrong with it. That, the girl you’re with needs to get over her issues and either accept the number of girls you’ve been with, or walk.

I’m not a judgmental bitch to my friends. I listen, I care, I understand.

And maybe that’s why guys end up falling out of love with me. Maybe you’ll fall out of love with me.

I’m better at being a friend than a gf. It’s different, when I’m the gf. It’s my ass on the line. It’s my heart on the line. And my heart doesn’t want to get shattered. I look too deeply into things. I obsess. I get addicted. I’m just horrible at being a gf. But being a friend, it’s the complete opposite.

If you knew me as a friend before knowing me as a gf, you’d see me differently. I mean, I tried. But you didn’t want to be friends, you wanted to be with me after having one talk with me.

And yeah, the girl I was when we first talked, it’s apart of me. Our first talk was something out of a movie. I can understand why you fell so hard for me.

Or maybe it was just after the ass pic that you fell hard for me. Idk.

But, it’s like a curse. Once I get close to someone, all these bad things come out.

Like, when I’m friends with a guy, it doesn’t matter to me. How many dating apps he has. If he’s ever cheated. I don’t ask because I’m not into him so I don’t care. I signed up to be a friend, not invade his life.

When I have feelings for someone, it’s different.

I feel like, if I’m the gf, I’m allowed to stalk. I’m not invading cause his world is my world and my world is his world. I want to know all about him. And want to know if he’s ever cheated, all about his past, how many dating apps he has, everything. And then I judge his past. Because if he can do it in the past he can do it again.

And I also learned that from parrot. I saw the way he treated his ex’s. I thought I was different. Gosh, even one of his crazy ex’s who came after me, laughed at me for thinking I was different. “You think you’re different? Lol. Hunny he’s going to fuck your over like he did to every girl.”

That’s where I’m going to leave this post for now. There’s still more things I want to say. But right now all I’m going to say, is that I’m sorry.

(Once again, I'd like to apologize for my past behavior. I seemed to have this weird belief that if someone has sex, they'll keep doing it, even in a relationship, especially an online relationship. I also felt like, you belonged to them and not to me. But you've always done a good job of making me feel like it's only me. Which is how it's suppose to be in a relationship, right? I feel my past experiences deeply screwed up my brain. I apologize for that.)

[sapphiresea]

1-29 hehehehehehhehehe.... if not all the evens lol!

 pride month questionnaire.    

what is your sexuality? i’m an ace-spec lesbian.

what do gender do you identify as? cisgender female.

how long have you been aware of your sexuality/gender? oh gosh. i really de-sexualized myself for a long time because i couldn’t stand the thought of being with a guy and i just didn’t think being with a woman was an option... but i remember being acutely aware of it when i was about 13 years old, panicking, and then doing my best to repress it.

do you have any preferences? eyes are a really big thing for me. not necessarily shape or color. i just really love being able to look into a woman’s eyes and see a sparkle. but mostly i look for someone i can laugh with and be real with, you know? it’s really important with me to be with someone i can be myself around and who wants to enjoy life with me.

share a positive memory about coming out! aside from the fact that literally no one was shocked i’m gay and everyone was shocked that i was dating someone besides my best friend... well, shortly after i came out to my best friend, i went to visit her. i was staying with her family, who didn’t know ( and still doesn’t know ) that i’m into girls. her cousin, a grown woman who was raised very, very conservative had actually never heard of gay people before and we were sitting there watching glee with her and kurt came on the screen. tina explained to her cousin that he was interested in men the way a lot of men are interested in women and her cousin looked horrified. i mean, she gasped and exclaimed, “surely there must be some kind of cure for these people!” or something along those lines. she was mortified. and my best friend, without missing a beat, jumped in and shut it down, telling her that there’s nothing wrong with gay people and there doesn’t need to be a ‘cure.’ and i just remember it positively because she said something when she knew i couldn’t without outing myself, and i just very much appreciated it.

how do you feel about pride month? pride all day every day. i mean, where i live, for no logical reason, our pride isn’t until september, so it’s mostly just on the internet that i celebrate in june. but hey, it gives me more reason to make gay jokes, so i’m all for it. but more than that, considering our history and all the lgbtqia+ community has been through to be seen as people, yeah, i think pride month is extremely important. i just think we need to do more to educate everyone – both in and out of the community – on our history and how far we’ve come...not to mention how far we still have to go.

do you participate in pride related events? any other events? surprisingly, not a lot? i’ve been to a few, and i’m definitely going to pride this year, but the community here isn’t very large and a lot of the events are outdoors or in bars, and considering i can’t drink or be in the sun, i don’t often have much to do, you know?

how do you feel about lgbtq roles in media? i feel like a lot of them are very narrow. most of the roles are cis white male gays, and even then, they’re quite clichéd. lesbians get killed off or end up with tragic endings. bisexual women are erased. bisexual men barely even exist at all. and then there’s, like, one or two trans characters on all of media that tend to be played by cis people. we’ve certainly gotten better with representation, but there is a very long way to go from here. and maybe once it stops being ‘brave’ for a straight/cis actor to play a gay/trans role and we’re not heralding a movie for great representation when there’s one throwaway line about a female character potentially having a girlfriend that’s not even confirmed by more than a shrug ( looking at you, power rangers ), i’ll start taking it more seriously as progress.

do you feel pride in who you are? yes. i would like to be as gay as possible. life might be easier if you’re straight, but god, at what cost???

who has been your supportive idols in your self discovery? i’m lucky and a lot of the people ( though certainly not all ) have been pretty supportive of me. but i didn’t know any gay people growing up. mostly, i found self-acceptance through media. watching olivia and natalia fall in love on guiding light was the first time i let myself consider my sexuality. through that fandom, i met a couple older lesbians – most notably, marie, who i called my nana, and who acted as a mentor. she took me under her wing and really encouraged me to love myself. portia de rossi also had a big influence. reading her book, i really connected with her. so while i’ve never met her, i would say she was a very important figure in my journey, as well.

tell us about your first crush? my first crush – though, thanks to compulsory heterosexuality and heteronormativity, i didn’t recognize it at the time – was on a blonde girl in my third grade class named sam. we met her first day at school when we literally wore the same shirt but in different colors ( mine was purple, hers was blue ) and we thought that was really cool, so we started hanging out at recess. she straddled a line between being a tomboy and a girly-girl in a way i can’t explain. i was entranced by her. i would’ve followed her anywhere like a lost little puppy. she moved away to another province after a few months and because it pre-dated the internet being such a big thing, we lost touch instantly. i never did find out what happened to her. but i swear for those few months, my little eight year-old self was in love.

what sort of advice to have you lgbtq teens? take your time coming out and telling people. you aren’t lying by being in the closet. your safety and comfort comes above all else. but try to find people – even if they’re online – who will accept you for you and who you can be yourself around. being lgbtqia+ is not something to be ashamed of, no matter how many people try to tell you otherwise.

have you come out to friends and family? yes. most people know i’m gay, especially since i can’t keep myself from making terrible jokes about it all the time. i’ve outed myself a lot just for a laugh. the only people who don’t know are my best friend’s family. it sucks, but it’s because of the culture they grew up in and i get it. i don’t like it, but i get it. and i love them too much to risk them hating me.

how do you feel about the term “coming out” ? i don’t really have feelings about it, but it does tend to get that diana ross song stuck in my head.

do you believe there is a “closet” to come out of? yes. there is one big closet from which we all emerge.

any tips on coming out? just do it in your own time. do it in a way in which you feel comfortable. the rest is up to you, honestly. there’s no one right way to do it.

what’s your biggest pet peeve when it comes to lgbtq characterization in media? aside from being killed off? aside from never letting the actual lgbtqia+ people play the lgbtqia+ characters? aside from representation being celebrated when it’s just a tiny hint that a character might not be straight or cis? ...lack of puns. almost every non-cishet person i know makes so many jokes about their gender/orientation all the time for their own amusement. if we could replace the disgusting homophobic/transphobic jokes that are like “lol look at these weird queer people!” with lighthearted jokes from the lgbtqia+ character, i would be stoked. but address the actual problems first and then get to that one.

what’s your favorite parts of lgbtq characterization in media? i mean... representation is so freaking important because it not only allows us to accept ourselves, but helps people outside the community to actually see us as humans. i swear if it wasn’t for will & grace, my parents would’ve had a very different reaction to my coming out. but i also just really love seeing cute wlw being cute. also this was my favorite thing to ever happen.

what did your teachers say about the lgbtqa community in school? most of my teachers played the hypotheticals, if they acknowledged the community at all. they spoke of it in debate terms like none of us existed for real. most of them just ignored the subject altogether. the only time i remember it being specifically addressed was in eighth grade when my music teacher’s son came out and she gave us all a big anti-homophobia speech. she said, “one in ten people is gay, which means at least two of you are.” and that was when i promptly turned bright red and internally panicked because my first thought was, “i wonder who the other one is...” followed by “oh my god, no. no. no. i’m not gay!!!” lol nice try, thirteen year old me.

do you practice safe sex with the same gender? i mean i’m ace-spec and i don’t have a lot of sex... but like.... since i’ve never had sex with someone who could get me pregnant or who has stds.... umm... no... but where tf would you even get a dental dam? has anyone even seen those?

what’s an absolute turn off for you in the opposite/same gender? no sense of humor. i dated a girl who i swear could not laugh. not just at my jokes, but i barely saw her crack a smile in three dates, and that’s as long as we lasted. i was just so not into it.

what’s an absolute turn on for you in the opposite/same gender? dimples. and making me laugh.

how do you feel about lgbtq clubs/apps/websites? yes. more of those, please. i mean, it’s not like i can walk into a starbucks and meet other wlw. i’ve literally only ever met one in the wild and, oh my goodness, let me tell you, we glomped on to one another so quickly. but everyone else, i’ve met over the internet or on an app.

how do you feel about the term “queer” ? i personally like it and use it often. i mean, all of the words in the acronym, every identity has been used as a slur before, and i can and will reclaim it. but i also respect that a lot of people don’t feel the same way. i won’t use it to describe someone if i know it makes them uncomfortable.

how does you country view the lgbtq community? generally we’re pretty well accepted, but you know, there are assholes everywhere. and i also live in the most conservative part of the country, which is fun.

favorite lgbtq actor/actress? well, i mean, i’m obviously a big kate mckinnon fan. i also really love portia de rossi.

any tips for heterosexual and/or cisgender people on how to handle lgbtq events/news? be open-minded and challenge your own biases.

what’s the most annoying question you have ever gotten? “can i watch?” seriously. i’ve been asked that too often. it’s not funny and it’s definitely not attractive. just fuck off.

how do you feel about receiving questions about your sexuality/gender? i’m fine with it as long as people are asking out of curiosity and a desire to learn, you know? if they’re not questioning whether i’m really a lesbian or whatever, i’m totally cool with it. oh! unless they’re asking for details about my sex life or something gross.