#this WILL be a topic in therapy soon kgjskjgd

[tirfpikachu]

vague trauma mentions cw also just super lengthy lol ;;

ok not to be cptsd and scarred from my mainstream tra days but when friends who genuinely know me flaws and all, and know my Dark Evil Views and everything, when they go out of their way to laugh with me and be nice to me...... it lowkey makes me want to freaking run away and cry under a pile of blankets for a solid 3 hours. like, holy shit..... i just get so emotional. i just Do Not Know What To Do With It All........... what do i even do with the knowledge that ppl see me, ME of all people, someone who fucked up so many times in spectacularly humiliating ways, someone who was hated so much throughout her childhood & teen years by her peers...... me as in my AUTHENTIC self not even my usual mask...... when they see me, the real me, and choose to go against everything the universe has taught me growing up and actually indulge me and choose to spend time with me and care for me and just.... wow. just. caring. about me. lowkey crying a bit rn. oof ouch. but in a very nice way. but also scary. genuine platonic love is so scary to my traumatized brain. being myself is so scary but i'm doing it so much lately. it's starting to feel so natural and it's becoming really hard to mask my true self at all. i keep waiting for the other shoe to drop, for friends to be disgusted by me or learn things abt me that makes them hate me, but it's just not happening so far and it's blowing my marbles rn. life is so crazy. i never thought this would ever happen. like this is really my life???!?!

i lost some very important friends a while back, some of my very first irl adult friends, bc i believed in female/afab-specific activism being needed and that exclusive same-sex/agab attraction is a wonderful sexuality that isn't a threat to trans rights. it was like suddenly my world was flipped upside down and my ex had gone behind my back and tarnished my name. but thankfully by then, i had my radfem friends... if i hadn't... it would've absolutely wrecked me. it would have utterly destroyed my mental health for a solid few months. but with my pokegyns & followers i felt so understood, so seen, and i knew i wasn't crazy. i didn't let them brainwash me into apologizing and taking back my totally normie "extremist" views. it's all thanks to you gyns. idk where i would be without radblr, especially tirfy/nuanced radblr. i'm still so weirded out that so many folks r so kind and patient w me and just seem to genuinely like being around me and talking to me. it's WEIRD!!!!!!! y'all shouldn't be doing it AND YET i can't even stop you......... i'm super duper unbelievably incredibly grateful ofc i absolutely adore you gyns but holy shit i am NOT used to it and my cptsd brain is still in shock and idk what to do w all this love!!!