#thinking ab doing the others but idk atm

[yunisketch]

The Chunin

Tried out a new style and ended up drawing IDW Leo XD

[arolesbianism]

Bndori furries are fun to design and all but it is Killing me that I can't give most of them long sharp claws. Local bndori fan shocked at the presence of instrument players in the band game with bands in it

[lowkeyrobin]

hey!

idk if you’re still writing but if u are - and have the time - could you maybe write fourth grade or ray seeing the readers sh scars? totally understandable if not :))

ooo yeah sure! ; also I'm still active I promise haha, if I ever had to retire (which will hopefully never happen) I'd probably but a thing in my bio to detail that I'm gone temporarily/permanently ; but yeah, it's all cool, I've written ab sh plenty of times before and I'm fine with writing about it ; decided to do ray on this one cause I've given fg enough attention atm haha ; and thank you for requesting! hope you enjoy!

RAY ; don't hurt yourself again

summary ; he finds your sh scars

warnings ; language, substances, self harm & weapons (razors/scissors iykwim) used (slightly) in detail to cause physical harm

disclaimers ; pre-stevie era

word count ; 1.3k

masterlist

This hot, sunny summer day was no different than any other. Patsy Cline's Walkin' After Midnight rung in your headphones, your cassette player quietly whirring as it plays your mixtape. The summer vibe had finally hit you, inspiring you to get with the theme and listen to some more beachy/summery songs for the season.

Ray always found it funny how you had such a taste for music. He didn't get how certain music was only for certain seasons or only gave you the vibes of a certain time, but he wasn't against it. You were way better at making mixtapes than he was.

Speaking of him, you were on your way to meet him at an abandoned pool you'd found a couple months ago. It was around sunset, the heat wearing down against your back.

Trust, the pool was clean, you made sure of it. But you found it as some hole in the concrete by some unused project apartments, water just sitting stagnant inside. You pick up your pace a bit, wanting to hurry before the sun completely set.

As you arrive, you see Ray, Fuckshit, Fourthgrade, and Ruben, dressed down to their boxers as they fuck around in the water. You wave hello as they welcome you, watching as you strip down into whatever you preferred to wear in the water.

You join them as the moon illuminates the pool, the only other slight source of light being the mostly burned out street lamps.

You end up starting a little water war, with you, Ray, and Fourthgrade against Fuckshit and Ruben. It was mostly just a splash party, with lots of shouting and yelling. Said shouting and yelling earned you a noise complaint, causing police to come deal with you.

"Hey! Hands up, get out of the pool!"

As flashlights are pointed at you all, you quickly scramble out, grab your belongings, and run barefoot down the street to avoid the police. You laugh and yell to one another as you sprint down the road, adrenaline fueling you as you aren't able to feel the rocks in the road wedge into your feet.

You hide in a garden, lit up just enough so you'd be able to put your clothes on properly and be able to tie your shoes. You shove your dry clothes on over your wet ones, attempting to warm up before you begin to freeze due to the cold water soaked in your under clothing.

You notice Ray staring at you a little too long before looking away as you slide your shirt on. You brush it off, maybe thinking he was looking over at one of the other guys, and you happened to be in the way, or maybe he saw a rabbit or a squirrel run through the lawn.

You and Ray separate from Fourthgrade, Fuckshit, and Ruben, as the trio were planning to go to some 24 hour diner to eat dinner before heading home. You and Ray head the opposite way, wanting to go home as sleep slowly creeps up on you both.

Your walk home is mostly silent, warm street lamps lighting your way down the sidewalk. You slowly glide on your board next to Ray, who decides to walk. He shakes his locs out of his face to look up at you.

"Do you hurt yourself?" He asks bluntly, unable to word what he wanted to ask any differently.

"What?" You quickly look at him confused, almost shocked. "No"

"I saw scars on your arms earlier when we were in that garden," He speaks, "Those weren't cat scratches or just rush burns or some dumb shit, those were cuts. It's fine if you don't wanna talk about it, but it's not fine to bottle it up and just hurt yourself. Like, we're here for you, okay?"

You slightly shrug and look away, your foot hitting the pavement as you give yourself a little push. "I don't hurt myself anymore"

"Oh"

You hold back a light smile. "Yeah"

"When did you hurt yourself then?" He asks, almost disappointed in himself that he never caught onto it if it was in the past. "Why?"

You shrug as you give him a blunt explanation. "Long ago. They're just scars for a reason. Life got rough, and I didn't know how else to cope. I was too scared to drink or smoke like you guys, but I was somehow able to hurt myself instead."

He nods. "Sorry"

You nod, "It's cool. I was waiting for it to happen anyways. Just another consequence of my actions, but I've grown and yknow, sappy shit"

He chuckles, "Yeah, yeah."

He pulls a blunt from his pocket, like he'd pulled it from Mary Poppins' bag, considering he just randomly had it and a lighter. He lights it up, puffing it to feel a little calmer about what you'd told him. He was such an extreme empath when it came to shit like this because he knew what the bottom felt like after losing his brother. He understood but didn't know how to help, so he just listened.

The rest of the walk is fairly quiet, the smell of weed filling your noses while the sound of your board rolling on the concrete whirs in your ears.

He waves a slightly awkward goodbye as he walks up to his front porch, knowing you'd stay on the sidewalk until he actually got inside. He grabs at the screen door, pulling on it to realize it was locked. Within the Marry Poppins pockets he had, he surprisingly didn't have his housekey.

He turns back to look at you, giving you a look you knew all to well. You laugh before waving him down to you, offering up your bed for him. He jogs back down the sidewalk to catch up as you'd already drifted away, knowing he'd follow like a lost puppy.

He holds onto your hand as you trail down the neighborhood towards your house, trying to hide the fact that holding your hand was his only comfort that he knew you weren't currently hurting yourself.

You open your front door to let him inside, placing a finger over your mouth to tell him to hush as you walk toward your room. You close the door and hand him some clothes he'd be able to wear to bed, allowing him to go to the bathroom to change while you also change.

You both flop down on your bed, sitting in silence as you stare up at the ceiling covered in glow in the dark stars. A lamp illuminates the room, covering it in a warm blanket.

He turns to look at you. "Do you wanna talk about it at all? Get it off your chest?"

You shrug before answering, "Yeah. I mean, what do you wanna know?"

He shrugs in response. "What'd you use?"

"Scissors, razors, pencil sharpeners. Anything sharp, used a knife once."

"Damn" He mutters. "How often did you do it?"

"About multiple times almost every day" You answer. "I was at the bottom then"

"When was then?" He asks, "A few weeks, months, years ago?"

"Months" You answer carefully. "I'm not anywhere near depressed like that anymore, I swear"

He nods, turning on his side to look at you as you speak. "You know you can reach out for help, right? Like, we aren't gonna yell at you or something, we wanna help you, I promise"

You quickly nod. "Yeah, it's just, when you're that low, you don't think help will actually help. I was worried if I reached out, I'd just be thrown to the side or I'd be yelled at and lose everything I have left."

He nods. "Can you promise me you won't hurt yourself again?"

You smile, appreciating the thought of those words. You hold your pinkie out to him, allowing him to shake his with yours to pinkie promise on it.

"I promise"

[asexual-means-no-attraction]

oh like, the argument for tme right now is that it doesnt actually specify any genital situation because it encompasses every group that isnt trans women & i was wondering what you thought about it? i think anything that specifices an out group for transfems is going to imply something about at least the d?ab of trans women but probably because so does their oppression, but idk if i like tme for it or not. and i like your takes on defuckering the cuils of mogai we're on atm

I think its one of those "its good to have words to describe your experiences," and "not every description needs to be its own thing" sorta situations.

I absolutely get wanting to express the unique intersectionality that comes with different identities coming into play. But like... transmisogyny is already a word, and you can just say that. Its a lot easier to understand than just another of thousands of acronyms that are becoming increasingly harder to remember all the meanings of. So I guess I'm less opposed to the term TMA, and more so confused why transmisogyny isn't already encompasssive enough.

As for TME, I think as a lot of people have said, it just feels like an unnecessary term. In terms of your example, yeah it wouldn't necessarily say anything about whats in someone's pants. But its also just a confusing term. Like absolutely there is a reason to have the term 'racism.' But it'd be weird to have a term that means 'racism excempt but meaning anyone who isn't specifically black.' Cuz it leaves out other groups that do in fact experience racism. The thing about intersectionality is that there are so many different combinations that creating an 'excempt' group never works. There's too much gray area to really do it.

Talking about a specific group and their unique intersectionality is absolutely do-able and important. And I'm all for more people talking about the transmisogyny that trans woman specifically experience. But creating this weird seperate 'not' group feels like we're putting too much effort into the wrong area when we could focus on the voices of people who have been subject to all this phobia bs and helping them.

[talkin-tdc]

Ordon/Mayrin discussion

Small trigger warning for this discussion: talking ab parental abuse or the perception of it in the show/among the fanbase.

So in the show, do you guys see Ordon/Mayrin as abusive? I’ve spoken to some who do and honestly I just don’t see it out of the sliver of characterization we get for both (and I promise not just bc Ordon is my favorite). Like oh no he yelled at Rian when he was literally stealing and wasn’t overly affectionate what a tragedy /s. I guess you could say it’s about what he yelled, but though that wasn’t cool, it was also at work to be fair to him. If we saw him do it at home that’s a completely different story but we don’t. I’m also disregarding Rian’s “solider” line because unlike Mayrin and Seladon it sounds to be more of a feeling Rian had than it having any substantial proof such as Ordon saying so himself OUTSIDE OF WORK! Fr I see it a lot more for Mayrin since yeah she is super bad to Seladon, but she genuinely cares about her daughters a substantial amount just like Ordon. She regrets sending Tavra, properly punishes Brea, even tries to make Seladon a better ruler where she can and they hold each other accountable a lot.

Yeah, they have flaws (more than most gelfs we see), but Ordon personally leaves the guard in order to find Rian and hopefully heal him. When both learn the Skeksis are evil, they try to fight back. Idk calling them abusive to me seems a bit much, I’d classify more as misguided but if anyway has any opinions lmk what you guys think/see them as. For me atm they aren’t abusive even within a wide stretch of the imagination.

[untrustynickel]

I want to know more about your Happy Go Lucky au

OH BOOOOOY now I ramble cuz I have a lot of ideas n things ab this

CWs plant parasitism/ sorta mind control/ psychological + body? horror/

okay so this is somewhat a small-ish AU ATM in that it's just diverges somewhat from regular II season 3 but I might expand it??? not sure yet, but here's some of what i do have (may modify it later but idk) OKAY SO some of my thought process on Lucky Nickel (idk what to call him yet exactly): - Essentially, the plant afflicting Nickel IS a "clone" of Clover (in the sense of how for say like, a tomato plant you can remove a limb and have it grow into a independent plant if done correctly)| - Because of this, the plant carries over Clover's personality/outlook and incidentally, begins imposing it onto Nickel's own personality, causing Nickel to start have lowkey internal crisis - Nickel does realize he's not "acting/thinking normally" at first but doesnt exactly mention it outright, as the plant grows he notices it less and less - The escalation of this being, his anxieties (specifically, being hurt by other people/distrust of others) ends up distorting into a forced "positive" outlook ("I don't need anyone anymore!") - and of course, on top of all this he's "lucky" - and such and so happens that on the glacier (still haven't figured out exactly what), that Nickel snaps out of it just long enough to curse out the luck and the plant, and then the wall falls on him/kills him - Nickel is recovered via MeLife and is normal again, but is still very jarred by the whole thing - HOWEVER, the plant survives until the dead Nickel washes up on shore, and the luck allowing the plant to revive him for survival (separate from now Normal Nickel) - This makes the Springy ep play out a bit differently (Balloon becomes concerned that Nickel making light of the past is the plant returning, before realizing its def Not that) - Not 100% sure how the Murder Mystery ep plays out after this but, for one Clover feels really bad about the whole thing (she had no idea this would happen), her and nickel talk out things and he gets his canon development, meanwhile while balloon 'n tea kettle are trying to solve the mystery, Balloon sees Lucky Nickel in the distance and is like "WHAT THE FUCK" - IDK what to have happen after this but, Lucky Nickel tryin 2 kill reg Nickel bc technically, Bro still has his brain/Is him (I was gonna add a drawin here but my wacom not working so uhhh NOTE 2 SELF draw zombie Nickel ref later) BONUS!!: this idea partially started as like, a doppelganger horror idea at first with a bunch of other ideas, so here's my other horror ideas for II (most ended up moreso joke-ish but ye)

[xshimaeraxx]

I've seen many posts about people missing how common asks used to be so I have been trying to send about an ask a week. Now I send this ask first anytime I follow someone as I really don't want to bother anyone, so I'd love to know if you enjoy receiving asks and if so what kind of asks. Not having energy for asks or being comfortable with them is perfectly okay.

The categories I have in my ask notebook that I file under are in colour. Please feel free to make your response as long as you want or private (the asker cannot directly respond to private responses).

Self, Job/Work: please let me know what you are comfortable with from eh idk just ask it to nothing personal at all.

Baggishield/Tolkien, Dragon Age, Johnlock/Sherlock, ineffable spouses, other fandom: Please let me know what fandoms. I think my main fandoms and ships are Bagginshield/The Hobbit, Sherlock/Johnlock, Dragon Age Inquisition, {Pippin/Faramir Merry/Eowyn}/The Lord of the Rings and I dip my toes in a few that I currently can't remember but ships I don't engage with the canon of at all are: Good Omens but only for Crowley/Azirapheal, Stranger Things but only for Steve/Eddie , The Witcher but only for Geralt/Jaskier, and Ladybug and Cat Noir but only for Adrinette .

OC's, art/drawing, their writing, blog specific only

Story snippets ideas and prompts: Do you like receiving them?

Pets: I'd love to know all about them

Garden and Hobbies: What type of gardening and/or hobbies?

Like being tagged in things: If so what kinds of things?

*Asks are sent for fun, no pressure to answer.

hello!!! yeah, i love receiving asks, lmao, & as for ur questions:

self, job/work: hmmm. im not rly comfy w any major questions ab my irl life (like stuff along the lines of “where specifically t do you live” (like im a brit, but if somewhere were to ask js where i live in the uk, i wldnt answer, as is common sense (imo) when it comes to the internet), “how old are you” “what is (are) your irl name(s)” etc. etc. - identifying stuff, basically), tho anythin’ else is pretty much on the table rn.

fandoms: oh, fandoms my beloved. my main fandoms atm (for both reading & writing, tho some r only reading while some r only writing, etc. etc.) are cuphead (i have way too much worldbuilding for this one au of mine that branches off into so many aus of the au, its genuinely gettin a lil crazy /pos /lh; i write fic for this one, aswell- in fact, its kinda my main writing-for fandom atm ^^), the hobbit (bagginshield my beloved i love you shjshsjehejs - i also dable vaguely in lotr (mainly gimli/legolas + parentshield tbh lmao) but its mostly js the hobbit for me), good omens (i love the ineffables i love s1 & s2 & HSJSHSJSHSJ i js love it like. all around. fuck gaimon tho, death of the author tyvmm), my hero academia/boku no hero academia (i dont engage w fandom much other then a few fanfic writers’ blogs here on tumblr & ao3 fanfic lmao XD; love the anime tho), harry potter (FUCK jkr, speaking as a brit myself none of us claim her, the transphobes can have her, we dont want her /lh - love the (good parts of) fanbase tho. ive actually made some rly good fic-writer friends thru it over on discord lmao), & ofc rise of the guardians!!! (fuckin love that thing, so sad there was never a second move :sadblob: love playin around w fanon/fandom lore tho, & i LOVE jackrabbit (bunnymund/jack) its my main ship in the fandom, tho im a multishipper so im also kinda partial to some other ones ofc)

ocs, art/drawing, writing, blog specific: not entirely sure what this one’s asking/if its actually a question, but imma answer it any lolol XD. anygays - ocs: i have a few cuphead ocs, but none of ‘em r self-inserts & all only rly exist bc of/for/to enhance/move forward the plot of my (main) cuphead au, tho ofc theyre still ocs - love ‘em like my children even if i dont love ‘em as much as i do the canon characters, snirk. art/drawing: i do draw, tho i rarely post any of my art, and one or two times i have its usually bc im js proud enough of it to want to share it, ehehe. writing: i write. so much fanfic. none of its posted, but i have so many wips i frankly dont know when any one of ‘em will be, sooo… shrug. blog specific: my blog isnt rly “specific”; its more js a place for me to enage w cool art & fics & such & reblog stuff i like on here as well as probably self-promo my own fics & such, as well as js a place to put my random ramblings in XD.

story snippets & prompts: oh, i love ‘em!! always nice 2 get a new burst of writing motivation ::D

pets: ohhh, cats. i love cats. had one for a while for around a good two years or so but after he injured his paw & we had 2 keep him inside for 3 weeks straight, the flightly lil bugger’s runaway. he (might’ve; still don’t know for sure whether it rly was him or not, but he apparently responded to his name from my mother’s accounts, so :shrug:) came back in the middle of the night a week or so ago now, but idtk whether he’s dead, alive, or js been taken in by some other family who thinks he’s a stray. :sigh:

gardening & hobbies: i don’t garden, and as for hobbies… not much, rly. i like writing fic, i like reading, i like going on (short, i have shite stamina) walks every other day or so, i like talkin w my few friends. like i said, not much. ::)

like being tagged in things: yes, i do! and as for what… anything, rly! tag games, fic wip games, askbox/ask games, im good w ‘em all! ::D

thx for the ask; have a good day/night/timezone!! ::>

[crescenthistory]

HI CARINA !!! im the same anon who requested the first grumpy!reader x barty fic <3 (could i possibly be 🪽 anon too btw? :3) anywhoooo, i hope you’ve been well lovely !! i love that u made the grumpy!reader x barty thing a series i have been getting fed WELL so tysm mother !!! i bring you another request— i requested this to @/elledc (hi elle if u see this ^_^) n i respect that she thought she couldn’t write this good enough (i beg to differ, you both have immaculate writing), so i decided to scurry over to you heehee :p okok so idk if its just me but i feel like barty would absolutely love having a masc/tomboy gf?? like a girl who’s fairly tall but maybe like 2-3 inches shorter than him (i think hes like 5’11) and shes got lean muscle that he absolutely goes feral for (this man would be drooling everytime he sees her biceps or abs i just know it) n like they call each other insults or bro lovingly IDK !!!! i feel like this would be a really really cute dynamic and i’d love to read smth like this :3 if the idea doesnt appeal to you its no worries at all btw !! just thought that the tomboy girlies obsessed w barty deserved sum love too 🙂‍↕️ (this is lowkey based off of my bsf who is also obsessed w barty 😭)

hi baby<33 lovely to hear from you. i fell in love with the grumpy!reader dynamic with barty, it's been so much fun exploring it so thank YOU for that

you can absolutely be one of my anons love, but i can't see that emoji unfortunately 😔 my phone and mac are too old:,) but if you can pick another and tell me your age and pronouns, i'd be more than happy to add you to the list mwah mwah

as for the prompt, thank you for waiting with requesting with me until elle (the sweetheart) declined it 🤞 you're a real one bubs!

i have a few story ideas i'm toying with atm where this dynamic would be fitting and i'd be more than happy to work it in 👯‍♀️ bc i need a plot in mind to write a full-length fic lols. in my mind, barty's pan and i think he'd be heavily into gender non-conforming partners in any shape and form. i do have a general rule that i won't address reader's body too explicitly though (e.g. i won't specify height and weight and such) to make it more accessible, BUT i can 100% write a gender non-conforming fem!reader who dresses and behaves in a more "masucline" way. and barty of course would have no problem thirsting over her body, which i don't see that as describing reader per say - if barty's like "YOUR BICEPS 😫" that just means he is Whipped AF for you in my mind lols. tldr; consider the idea picked up 😚

[cxtoonzzz]

Current WIPs atm !! (Lots of yap)

Ongoing commissions I'm working on (others are sketches)

Personal art!! (I have a Marina and Nymphia piece in the works but it looks rlly bad rn bc Nymphia lowkey looks like Plane idk😭😭😭)

Also drew for BNHA for the first time since I was 11 ! I have not caught up with the manga or anything since like 2020 and I don't rlly care for it but I just think Togachako is real

Used grid method on this Sasha, Connie, nd Jean piece bc the pose was scaryyy😭 Not the faces tho I stylized that LMAO- C and Yelena for the soul too

Silly dump ab how I'm doing lol

Sorry commissions are going by slowly😭 Been rlly artblocked and each piece has an individual struggle that slows me down (being self taught means I have no clue how stuff works lol all my art is the product of trusting the process) :'3 School is near and I'm really scared bc I'm new, friendless, and Asian in a predominantly white school so anxiety has been getting to me as well ! I assure you guys I'm trying my very best !! But good GOD high school is so scary and everyone is twice my size and also very mean so currently stressing ab that alongside working on art😞 I used some of my comm money to buy myself a new backpack so that's exciting !! Ty to my clients I luv u guys so much ♡ I hope I don't get bullied too bad this year huhu 10th grade came by so soon :"3

Oki baiii

[melodic-haze]

First off, congrats on almost 400 followers. I'm certainly having fun reading your works, so thank you for making them. Like that Chiori one you just did, amazing. Though it did make me fully come to terms that I like certain personality type; which I thought was out of character for me. So thanks for that lol.

Since work hasn't been going well for you lately, how about something to really distract you. What do you like about Class of '09? What do you hope is in the Jecka edition or the anime? Anything you just want to yap about in general.

As always, may the rest of your week become a lot better and your workplace management grow a few braincells and learn how to spell Thank You properly.

-🍎

Highway to self discovery using my works is insane I'm ngl 😭😭😭😭 but you're saur welcome 😜🫶

I LOVE co09 bc of its humour, mainly. There's not a lot of content nowadays that features RISKY humour like that, and I somehow ended up LOVING humour along the lines of it, so it just really easily clicked with me. That, along with how Nicole and Jecka both bounce off each other so well—they're actually the reasons why I LOVE writing dialogue!! They weren't the start of my writing 'career', but I started actually investing myself properly when I saw like. Little to no fics of them and thought "hey they deserve to be silly" so

Idk much ab what I hope for the anime, I just mostly hope it actually releases and it's funny as hell, but for Jecka's Flipside? I gen hope I get to see more of not just her and Nicole (AND the other girls), but her relationship w her parents too!! A bit of it got teased with her dialogue implying that her mum's the hardass, but I just wanna see it in action with full voiceover tbh. I don't really expect much in regards to DEEP deep storytelling—most of the actual character-building is made by fic writers tbh—but I just wanna see enough that I can think on it a bit. But really I just mainly want more of the Bombastic humour and the amazing one-liner delivery the vas do

It BETTER get better man, I was supposed to get dinner w my bestie tomorrow AND I'm going to Megan's Hot Girl Summer tour next week mannnnnn........I do hope management fixes their shit up too cuz they're being atrocious atm 😭😭😭

[lucysweatslove]

TW/Content warning re: domestic violence, IPV, questioning. May be v. triggering for victims/survivors of DV and IPV especially those who were not believed. (btw it is NOT about me directly; I am in a loving and generally healthy relationship and I have never personally experienced DV (as a side-side note, one of my best friends has, we helped her get out))

So. My sister is visiting my parents atm. My mom's family reunion thing is going on rn and my sis drove up to attend. (I have just barely started to feel like Me again after Rural Site Adventure, hence opting out).

Background, p 1: my family has a fam friend we'll call N. N was a past student of my mom's, I think potentially a past client but I can't fully remember the story there. She is "in between" my parents' age and mine/my sister's- I'm not sure if she's technically a young Gen X or an older Millennial, but just to give some context regarding age. My family gave her a lot of support when she was getting her life set up, including financial support in the form of interest-free loans. When my little sis was tiny (she is very much Gen Z, still in high school), N lived with us and would help out a ton around the house, with child care, even doing things like chaperoning my dates when I was in high school. There was a bit of a blow-up idk how long ago where my mom felt like N was mothering my little sis too much and boundaries were getting mixed up, and then idk when but then they made up. I've been mostly out of the house for 12 years and totally living away from them for like 9 years, so I don't remember a lot of the specifics.

Background, p 2: My parents' relationship is not great. The gist is: a lot of infidelity from dad and my mom has a lot of emotional lability for as long as I can remember. She can get pretty mean and is prone to a lot of emotional manipulation and tactics like gaslighting, goalpost-moving, triangulation with me + my older sis, guilt-tripping, diminishing others' experiences... i mean we all do these things from time to time, but she does them very often and only on the VERY rare occasion does she take responsibility (I am not saying my dad's infidelity was caused by my mom's emotional lability or that it set off the emotional lability, and I'm not excusing anybody's behaviors; I think all of this is super multi-factorial). Early on when I was in college, before I really knew much, my dad sat us all down (with my mom, after talking with her) and confessed to his infidelity + said he was considering divorcing mom to be with the woman he was cheating with. I laid into him basically saying that running away from all of us wouldn't solve whatever lead to his cheating and make him happy. He already is once divorced (idk why/what happened with his prior marriage, he hadn't yet met my mom even so that wasn't it). I told him maybe he needs to figure out what HE needs to change rather than flitting around from person to person hoping it'll work out. He decided to stay, they went to therapy, there have been no signs of further incidence (not that it's impossible, but my mom also monitors everything his does including his whereabouts via his phone 24/7). Though my mom will say she's forgiven him, she doesn't act like it- and I get trust has been broken, but it extends further to like, financial control, eg, refusing to let my dad who is actually considered elderly now retire, won't let him buy a new speaker system while my mom takes multiple long international trips. And my parents are well-off. They have the money for all of that.

Okay now the issue.

Apparently N was talking with my sister and mentioned something about Mom and domestic violence. My sis asked if I've ever heard any of their issues phrased like that- and no, never. That alone doesn't mean much - although my mom has called BOTH of us in tearful crisis-mode before and has shared more than I think is appropriate, DV is like the one thing many victims/survivors hide and never actually speak up about.

But... my mom is not shy with her body around any of us. Not a nudist, but has no issue changing while talking with us, going to the bathroom with doors open. She has never "hidden" her body in any way at home. She will hide sometimes (choosing baggier clothing, longer sleeves or lengths) when she is out in public, but I think this is partly Mormon modesty and partly body image issues, as again, she has never taken any precautions to hide her body around us kids. In all my memorable life, I have never not once seen unexplained injuries on my mom. I have seen a few small bruises on legs or arms and not known exactly where they have come- but honestly, I would see them after she was doing manual type labor like moving wood, working outside, reorganizing the pantry, moving heavy furniture... and never bruises in a weird pattern or suspicious location, never multiple bruises in different stages of healing.

I also don't sleep well and often don't have a good 24 hr sleep cycle. I don't think I'm non-24, but my sleep/wake cycles are highly variable. My little sister would have night terrors, too, and wake up from them not remembering but also needing help settling back to bed (she would come and get me or ask to sleep in my room frequently). Since I was the only other person upstairs, I stayed up to listen for her terrors so I could be there when she woke up and she wouldn't have to toddle around to find support. This means that during middle school and all throughout high school, I very rarely slept throughout the night. This also means I heard many many many fights between my parents. I have also quietly tiptoed down the stairs to see what tf was going on more times than I can count. I have never seen any signs of physical aggression from my father in these arguments. Definitely both sides are v guilty of emotional and verbal abuse, which is still abuse and is still a problem. I'm just saying I have never seen outward aggression (hitting, punching, kicking, flailing, throwing anything at all, breaking anything, etc) nor have I seen posturing or yelling. More times than not, if somebody even raised their voice, it was my mom.

When I was a child and spanking was still a think "experts" recommended (apparently), my mom would tell my dad to spank me for a punishment, and my dad couldn't do it and would pretend- he would whisper to me that he was going to put his hand palm-up and smack his own hand so it "looked" real if my mom was watching, and I was to scream and cry so it sounded real.

My dad was a vet before he was a psychiatrist. He left vet medicine in part because he was so sad every time he had to put down an animal, or see animals being mistreated. We had many animals growing up from dogs to hamsters and rats and guinea pigs to horses and bird and fish and cats. 0 signs of aggression with them- the worst thing is when he's really mad because a dog went potty in the house he'd get kinda gruff and grumble and swear.

This does not mean that my dad cannot ever be aggressive, or has not ever been aggressive. This does not mean that when I'm not around he acts the same way. I'm not saying it is impossible, or that my mom is definitely lying or "lying by omission" and hinting that the verbal abuse has extended to physical abuse too. I'm not saying things haven't been hidden from me.

I'm just saying... in my nearly 3 decades of life, I have not once seen my dad be truly aggressive. Even while drunk- he's not aggressive, he gets giggly and silly and then tired and falls asleep. My sisters (both of them) have not seen anything, any signs. Even looking back retroactively- nothing that we can say "omg maybe that was a sign we missed." In the patterns I've seen, including where my parents don't know I'm witnessing it, my dad is a huge pushover and my mom will show more signs of anger and aggression. I am getting weird vibes from all of this, and I'm legitimately concerned about why my mom is saying / insinuating these things.

Edit bc I forgot a part that I wanted to share but got too distracted.

My mom also has had some health stuff. She has MGUS which is kinda like a blood pre-cancer, specifically for her it’s like pre-multiple myeloma, but progression is slow and prognosis is overall good. But, this was discovered during workup for pernicious anemia. There’s no real known time frame for how long she had pernicious anemia. B12 deficiency (a main cause of pernicious anemia) can lead to a host of psych stuff including cognitive slowing, confusion, changes in memory, depression, and sometimes even delirium or acute psychosis. She did do B12 shots but it’s been a while since she’s done them, I think. But during that time, her memories were WEIRD. Like she would mix up things between us kids frequently, invent random and totally benign memories (she was convinced I not only ran track in 4th/ 5th grade but was really good at it, when reality was I tried to get out of running in PE because it hurt my throat/burned to breathe while running).

When she was a child, there was also possibly some DV in the home? It’s kind of unclear what exactly happened, but it’s a real possibility. My granny had some form of psychosis at one point- again not sure exactly because this was a long time ago (my mom’s a boomer) but I was told had a gyn condition that would cause her hallucinate/send her into an acute psychotic state, and once she had a hysterectomy, she was better. There was speculation it was ovarian cysts (per my mother; also, not PCOS) but never a confirmation. I have had a burst ovarian cyst that sent me to the hospital and I thought I was dying from the pain, but no psychosis. Anyway. My sis and I wonder if she had a teratoma and had autoimmune encephalopathy.

The point tho, my granny would hallucinate something like dishes in the sink and tell my mom to do them, but there wouldn’t be any dishes to do. So then granny would think she was blatantly disobedient, and punishment back then sometimes was corporal. I don’t have details from my mom, so I don’t know what happened, but we now know that any corporal punishment is detrimental and essentially DV, so regardless of how far it went, it’s problematic.

So, what I’m getting at: my mom has historically had B12 deficiency bad enough to have serious pernicious anemia, and my sis and I noticed a major cognitive shift around that time. She would mix up memories all the time. Since she’s had it before, she could develop it again. And that could lead to increased irritability, cognitive change, MEMORY issues. And she likely has very real DV memories.

Me, wanting to see best in everybody bc I’m just the perfect picture of an optimist (sarcasm), wonders: what if my mom currently has pernicious anemia and B12 deficiency again to the point her memory and cognition are all kinds of messed up, and she’s confusing her real memories from her childhood with my dad? Especially if the same feelings (eg powerlessness) came up.

[stateswscarlet]

hi scarlet this could seem like a stupid q, and im not rlly in this situation atm but my brain was pondering over it yesterday nd i wanted to know ur thoughts on it

If two people are manifesting the exact same person to get w them, what would happen?? Like obvs there r multiple states and realities coexisting at once, so there would be a reality where person A has this person, and person B does too

Would that mean that there would also be a reality where both people have the same person lol?? It's confusing to me. Would both person A and B get the same person but like.. the person has a twin or smth idk 😓

lmk ur thoughts im kinda confused w this, ty

no one else can “manifest” in ur reality. even if u think they are, its still only you. even if they “get” ur sp its still u giving it to them. only you get it in ur reality.

why worry so much ab whats in other realities? just focus on having ur sp now. it doesnt matter what others are doing elsewhere u will never experience that.

[lowkeychenle]

see my sea is my comfort fic fr like i love the trope of mc being anti romance due to prior experiences and love interest changes the fact ,, i enjoy them cos i relate to it n then the other reason is bc its chenle ?? theres a lack of GOOOOD written works for him (or any written works for that matter) (i mean like aside from like 7drm headcanons n reactions, theres not tew many chenle x reader in comparison to the other dreamies)

so the fact that your blog is enriched w chenle works = immediate follow

+ oh and ur chenle smut is so good too?? = post notifs on! literally digging thru the chenle smut tag is sooo 😐😐 so i can only rely on u my friend 😔 thank u 4 ur service<3

i would like to reiterate how much i love ur jaemle series as a fellow jaemle stan..... pretty sure i sent u an ask about it and your guidelines surrounding it but idk if i ever sent it bc i was half asleep (no like actually frl lmao) or if tumblr ate my ask

i also was the anon who asked ab emoji anons n oh i def would love to (/gen) but idk how much i'd be interacting cos im in a bit of a mental rut atm so my social interaction is looowww. still supporting my fav blogs tho no worries, w rbs opposed to asks :<

all that being said , i was js curious ab ur current wips if u have any or if ur main focus is on 'is it over now' ? was wondering what we could expect from u is all, no pressure whatsoever!

HIIII <3 omg thank you for reading my work and loving it and also following me that's so cute :')

I've received a couple asks about the Jaemle series and I do plan on continuing it, I'm just not sure when lollll. I have a bunch of misc. smut ideas I'll be writing at some point. These next few months are super busy for me as I'm hoping to graduate in August this year, but that means I, unfortunately, do not have much writing time.

I hope you feel better soon for real :( mental ruts are the WORST I was just in one myself so make sure you take care of yourself <3 if you ever just want to chat, you're more than welcome to send me a message :)

Some of my current wips include:

Is It Over Now? - Chenle x Reader / Jisung x Reader! Based off of the song of the same name by Taylor Swift. This one is crazy and I'm still kinda questioning myself on how to end it (because I'm a chenle slut but how do you like...pivot on bad behavior idk)

Somewhere Else - ??? x Reader; lol I'm thinking Mark or Jaemin for this one. They seem to fit the picture in my head more than Chenle for this one unfortunately. Basically just an achingly fluffy piece with some smut in it lol

Stars Aligned - Chenle x Reader; basically Mastermind by Taylor Swift but he for sure knows the whole time and when the relationship becomes public (ex. gets exposed), things start to switch up

Several miscellaneous smuts that just pop into my head randomly. I have like 10 docs of just random smut scenes I haven't completed yet LOL

And then, of course, I have some text au reqs in my inbox I'm working on and my new smau titled Musically Inclined. That one is fun lol.

[hazeday]

Logging in to Tumblr simply to vent sorry I don't really want to talk about this anywhere else also sorry for not being online ever anymore my only online presence atm is solely on xiv 🫡 god bless.

It's been like. Three months? I think? Since starting hormones and idk I'm like. Going into the depressed phase about it which I think is normal around this stage. I think. Maybe. I was really excited still up until a week or two ago and it's just been a downhill sinking feeling of like. Yaaay nothing. Has changed. Like. There are very slight changes noticable in hair distribution on my body and I think the shape of my neck is slightly different but other than that. Idk it's starting to kinda get to me. I know like logically in my brain that it's a waiting game like I have know that as long as I have been aware of hormone replacement being an option. But idk I remember seeing a little comic the other day someone made about like, dressing "androgenous" for the first time in public and getting immediately gendered differently by a stranger and yeah I know it's a bad mentality to take shit like that personal of other people celebrating gender wins. But it really just reminded me that despite every effort I've ever made to change my appearance, all of the different styles of clothes and hair and makeup I've done in my life, and now even having some hormone therapy that this has still. Just never happened to me. And this ofc started a whole mental spiral of having realized in not too recent history but still grappling with the fact that a LOT of my dysphoria or rather specifically desire to be perceived as something different gender wise by the public is trauma based for me. It just makes me idk think about how much more comfortable I'd feel leaving my house. I dunno I know it's also just winter and whatnot but every year I come to terms more and more with the fact that my agoraphobia is 1. Getting worse 2. Based almost entirely in different forms of trauma, mostly the yk ab/se kind and abl/ism specifically. And it makes me feel! So bad! Because I feel like I'm missing out constantly on things. I want to get excited to go out and do things and generally just be outside of my house but I the fear associated with how people perceive my gender and the legitimate PTSD panic I have every time a curb isn't cut or my wheelchair doesn't fit in a door or strangers stare is like. So hard to communicate. Sorry I dont wanna go out guys I'm just acutely aware of everyone in the world wondering what's wrong with me and also feel like I'm not welcomed in the majority of spaces bc they are inaccessible. Also I'm constantly afraid of being assaulted by every stranger I encounter. 🤪 Which ofc just feed into each other of feeling physically helpless and vulnerable bc of my disability and then the moment a stranger misgenders me I'm like "oh yeah I'm like the easiest target on earth." Anyway this is incoherent as fuck once I figure out how to make strangers perceive my gender different and also how to walk it's over for all of you.

[cinnabunnii]

Casey (Ninjago) V2

(IK its closer to like version 15 at this point, but this is only the 2nd time ive posted ab his full info [ninjago ver] here so <3)

Fair warning for scars, mentions of mental illness and disorders, and the like <3 And oc x canon??? if ur fussy ab that??? idk

Casey first, bc he's my little man, my favourite scrunk.

Basic info includes: Casey Abel Tinniel 17 years old (averagely, does change w/lore and how i draw him) He/Him pronouns (feel free to use candy themed neos for him tho, kinda experimenting w/that) Trans-Masc, FTM. Half Oni, Half Human Canonically he has ADHD and BPD. (Feel free to hc him as autistic aswell idm, no other hcs tho pls lmAO, feel free to ask if he does XYZ in my askbox, but do not hc.) British/Japanese. He is 6'3 (tall man, love him, towers over so many), loves candy (any, even that chalky valentines candy stuff), he's left handed, constantly carries chapstick, and kinda needs glasses but rarely wears them (bc hes an arse). He has a dog!!! Leonberger/Great Pyrenees X called Mochi!!!! She's big and fluffyyy!!

He is an EM (Elemental Master), but like his element b kinda stupid but i love messing around with it. (Hes a fandom oc he wasnt made for realism nor to be canon SMH) And a ninja ofc bc what cringe baby's first ninjago oc (he wasnt my first im lying) isnt a ninja!!! Pink ninja go!!!

His element. is. Technology. and I do have basic mechanics written down for it, which i will paste from my notes rn: (Please ignore mentions of "Roni" i will get into that in another post if yall like him enough)

Not me actually thinking and noting down stuff ab Casey's element.

his machines don't need power (batteries, a plug, etc) he can power them himself with his element, but that's draining so he would still add another source of power, and because he already rarely uses his element he can only power small devices.

he's able to cut off power or turn off security systems. (Like just by touching control panels & stuff)

if he knows how to build smth (mechanical) he can just build it instantly, not needing to touch the materials (idk how to explain it? like he can float electronics but he cant hold them mid-air THEY HAVE to be added to Smth mechanical/technological)

is able to hack certain things without touching them, but mostly just does that to annoy Zane when he's younger (Lloyds command/prank) and rarely does it at all later on, leading him to barely be able to do it at alllll when it's needed (most of the time it isn't because of Jay, Nya and Zane having tech knowledge and jay being master of lighting).

Mostly he can just barely use it at all other than to control small devices/andriods because he's never needed to use it. (Up until Roni, which I'll not down stuff for later, might make it so that he's forced to make a few different Oni soldiers and then have his father mass produce them? Idk) probably will change a lot of stuff but these r just notes based on the few ways I thought of him using his element

Elemental notes over (i cant be bothered to edit them)

i was gonna make him a new reference sheet for this post, but instead u can have these: (older art i might've posted but forgor)

(yk that second to last one/the one in the bottom left? yeah ill go into that in another post <3)

i draw him happy to contrast his lore <3333 and the scars tbh, hes so covered in them that drawing him happy and ignoring them is kinda comforting?? idk haha The stories behind his scars r long af so like ill just put them down as "ninja accidents" and move on. His horns and tail r optional, as he's an oni obv smh (shapeshifty boy) I think thats all for him as a character?? He's just a happy silly boy (golden retriever to Lloyds golden cat fr i mean whaTT!!!???) Yeah. Biotech. Aka Lloyd Garmadon, himself, X Casey Abel Tinniel. They r my scrunks, my blorbs, and maybe even, my little guys. I dont have any updated art of them atm, but i promise u i will make some at some point ong!!!! They like to eat candies and stuff together & watch disney movies fr!!!! Casey likes to cook so he makes homemade mochis and stuff a lot n like ong<33333 way to lloyds heart is through candy and i will NOT hear otherwise!!!! Youngest ninja members gotta look out for each other (even if that means kissing sometimes SMH) Thats all for now i think yoooo!!!

[namuneulbo]

week eighty

this week was good mentally ig? idk my ocd has been really nice to me lately and my compulsions havent been as bad as they usually are which is nice. i hope this continues for a while at least.

monday was happy for me. wearing my fav bowie shirt helps too. its gotten a small spot now that didnt go away in the wash and ive frantically been putting a bunch of cleaning chemicals on it and hoping itll go away bc shit was expensive + its one of my fav shirts i own + its one of my comfiest shirts + ratio + ur mom.

we had a grunting workshop at school w the singer of finntroll which was super epic. hes so cool lol and i was just super excited ab getting the proper learn it and get feedback in real time so ik im not doing something bad to my vocal chords and throat and all that. he said i sounded good while we were trying some stuff out as a group so that boosted my ego a lot lol.

now,,,, exciting !!! thing !!!

me and my friends came back to school by the end of lunch break and who do i see as we walk in...?

w, of course!

i had said hi to him earlier iirc but i might be mixing up the days, anyways, i somehow managed to just walk up to him and talk to him. nothing crazy, i just asked him ab the paramore cover band stuff and being like “yooo, is it still happening or..?” and he was like “oh yeah, i still really want to do it, im just very busy atm” and i was like “ah, thats fine, i can help u out w anything if u want to. its fine if it gets a bit postponed too!” and he was all like “ah, thanks!”. that wasnt perfectly transcribed bc ive honestly forgotten a lot of the things that were said but those were the key points ig. i just got so nervous when talking to him lol i was just staring into his eyes the whole time which is super rare for me but ig i was so focused on what i had to say that i didnt even think of it but now all i remember is how green his eyes are and how cutely he smiled when he thanked me and i also feel like ive stood way too close to him although i dont think i did in reality but like considering all i remember are his eyes it feels as it ive stood too close. we had a cute lil bye sesh and then i ran to class. everyone was there already and i just sat next to c and smiled frantically. my friends had seen me walk up to him and thankfully they just walked to class wo me bc i wouldnt have done so,,, okay w them behind me, watching me try to talk to this silly lil guy. anyways, i explained as much as i could considering we were still in a room full of ppl who know this guy lol. i showed how shakey i was to c and they laughed ab it. i remember going to fill my water bottle and just jumping up and down in excitement the second i locked the bathroom door and my hand shaking like crazy as i held my water bottle under the streaming water.

tuesday! the workshop continued! afterwards we were in a smaller group of people and got more personal feedback. he said i did it really well and that i have the technique down so im super happy ab that.

wednesday was iconic. there was this party for the uni part of my school that ppl had been talking ab lots. as far as ik it was like a lil party for just the uni students where they were performing for each other. w was playing there even though hes not in uni yet. he played w his tribute band (which ik bc i saw him listening to a playlist w the name of the party and it was just filled w the police songs and it was made by the bassist in that band, who i later followed on spotify too hehe hes so cool and his music taste is so good bro?). so thered be that performance thing party and then an after party in our school party place thingy in the basement.

since it was wednesday, it was music quiz as well so i was ofc going to that. i knew i could get into the after party so i decided to freshen myself up a bit extra before going out for the extremely tiny chance that w would be at the party.

for context, w is NOT a party person. he doesnt drink and he also just,, doesnt ever go out really?? hes just like me fr but anyways, i thought today he might actually be there bc of the performance thingy. like yk, he might as well go? i thought?

so i first go to a short pregame at ds place. i got there so late that i didnt drink anything before going to the bar. i watched them speedrun a drinking game before we left to the bar.

once we were at the bar we had to sit further in bc of how full it was. i prefer sitting closer to the enterance bc the volumes lower, anyways, vs parents were there which was quite fun ig haha they were really nice and his mom was so cute so it was fun. the quiz this week was so hard though, the songs were so weird and the trivia qs were just a bunch of statistics that no one would know. i was so hungry so i decided to not drink anything until the afterparty bc i didnt want to throw up. vs dad bought us salmiac shots though which i obviously could not refuse, theyre my fav. afterwards, i went home and devoured some cheese and tomato sandwiches and then i went back to ds place. we stayed there until we got a green light to leave and go to the after party.

earlier at the bar i had asked c how big of a chance it would be that w would be at the after party. she confidently laughed and said “like, 10%. absolutely no way hes there, sorry girl!”. i try to persuade her being like “hm but think ab it!” and shes like “yea, its a bigger chance than other days but dont get ur hopes up too much”. i ask the same thing of l. they say “oh god, no way. he wont be there. 95% sure he wont be there. no way.”. personally, i thought there was like a 40% chance hed be there.

we arrive at the after party. me and l were by ourselves pretty much. we scan the place and no w is to be seen. i get a bit disappointed although nothing crazy since i knew he wouldnt ACTUALLY be there but yk, i still had my hopes up. me and l sit down in a couch by the bar. i turn to them and kinda pout being like a bit sarcastically overdramatic and say “not even ds here!”. linnea looks at me and points behind me w a small gesture and goes: “look”.

i see d walking confidently towards the bar. n and w walking softly behind him. me and l just stare at each other w wide eyes and the second they walked out the room we burst out in laughter bc both the chance and the timing was so crazy. we get up to see where they went but dont stalk too intently. we went back to the bar room after a while and sit down on another couch and talk w s. s is super talkative and fun so hes very appreciated when ur feeling a bit lost at parties and gatherings. we sit and talk w him and i see d, n and w walking back in the room. they walk past and i stare lovingly at w. they sit down on the couch me and l sat on earlier and w sat right where i sat. ty god!

i can see w nicely from where im sitting and its like a side angle but like far enough back that he cant see me staring unless he turns his head so im taking this opportunity to STARE. i analyze his outfit. hes wearing black shoes instead of the usual white nikes ones or the yellow vans. his long brown hair falls cutely under his hat. his black tee is once again hugging his biceps so ,, attractively. at one point he throws his head back and keeps it there for a while. he was probably tired. it was 1 am tbf. i feel quite bad saying its hot in a way bc i do feel bad for him if he was just feeling tired and wanted to go home but like,,, bro put his whole adams apple on display for me, a firm lover of big adams apples, i just couldnt help but die on the inside. so hot. i had never noticed how big his adams apple was until that. new feature to admire hihi!

i watch him scroll through facebook and insta as his friends talk w others. im far away enough that i cant tell what the posts r or anything. hes so interesting. ive always seen him as super talkative and outgoing but hes not really? i think he might just be an introvert whose social battery had run out. i think we might be quite similar socially actually. i do think hes less shy than me, he seems that way at least but i do think hes similar to me where i just have better and worse days and somedays im super talkative and talk to random ppl more easily and somedays im quite quiet and barely talk to ppl ik. hes also like, alone, a lot. i feel a bit bad for him. i think it might be by choice? he does talk to ppl, its not that, but he tends to walk around school alone. ig its bc hes not actually in school but just doing civilian work.

i slept a total of four hours before my shift the next morning. two at night, got ready in one hour and slept for another two before leaving for work. i was surprisingly awake at work though. like, yeah, i could feel the lack of sleep but it wasnt terrible. i did some grocery shopping afterwards.

friday! last official day of school. i just have my graduation left. we didnt have anything important in the morning but i went to school to see if w was there. he wasnt in the morning TT i followed l to the shop and they went to buy coffee then went to the library to study. i went back to school for a short bit to see if hed be there, he wasnt. i talked to c briefly and told her ab why i was in school so early and she gave me a lil look and scoffed but it was funny. i went home and drank a pepsi and got some studying done before heading back for lunch. during lunch break i see w for the first time. i was too shy to say hi though.

our schedule said the afternoon was a surprise so no one knew what we were doing. we all met in the main hallway of the music building and then went out. they left while i was in the bathroom so i had to run and catch up w them. theyd gone quite far so it was quite embarrassing running all across the town square. everyone was guessing where we were going as we walked. i walked w c, l and l. l joked that we were going to see one of the schools alumni play in the park and i believed him for a good minute before they told me it was just a joke. i guessed we were going to play mini golf and i was right lol. we played mini golf and it was so hot outside bro. i was wearing a black hoodie and black jeans so i was DYING. it was fun for a bit but i dont really enjoy it so it got boring quickly since it was so hot too and its just too repetitive and w a big team it takes ages to finish.

after that we had a music quiz (or two in a way, one w tv show themes and one w normal songs) in the park w some ice cream. i was sad we didnt get to pick teams but i got to be in the same team as c at least. we took one last class group pic together too :’)

there was this small culture event starting in the evening. it was a festival that lasted all weekend. it had a small participation fee and it was even cheaper w the student “pay what u can” ticket. i only went on friday and saturday bc the only event on sunday was the same art exhibition they displayed the entire weekend. i was pleasantly surprised by friday bc i had higher expectations ab saturday but ended up liking fridays programmes more.

on friday, me and l got there around 7 pm and wHO DO I SEE AS SOON AS I GET THROUGH THE DOOR??? not w BUT both of his parents. see, ive stalked his parents instas LIGHTLY. i felt weird ab going too deep but ive just seen the pics hes tagged in from his parents instas so i just know his parents names and what they look like. i knew his mom had some project there bc her name was on all of the posters. i ‘fangirl’ a bit to l and we go on w the exhibition, enjoying the epic art. the first programme is a 30 minute sesh of video art on the screen. i love video art a lot, its always my fav when at a museum. the first one was actually the one ws mom made, or well, she was the performer in it and i was just staring bc she looked SO YOUNG. she has gray hair but in the video it was blonde and she just looked so youthful i was questioning whether i was tripping and just seeing things. shes such a cute lady. it was a really cool video of her doing,,, interpretive dancing? silly gestures? in the forest. it was so pretty. afterwards she held a little speech and it was really interesting and agh such a cute lady like actually so loveable. i love humans sm.

the second video was a video of someone manically vacuuming while dressed in underwear. it was silly but it was nice w something less intense in-between.

the third was quite a short one of a robot speaking ab how it doesnt feel feelings and stuff. kinda scary.

the fourth one i cried at lol idk if it was bc i felt emotional or if it was eyeliner getting into my eye or the bright light coming from the screen but i cried lol. it was another forest video. a person standing in the forest, trying to rip their sweater off but not managing to do it. there was a repeating phrase in swedish in the back but i cant remember the exact quote but it was something like “taking off the body that is you”. so beautiful.

id say the last one had the most elements to it. white (like, literally, fully white clothing, hair and makeup) person walking around in unsaturated landscapes. v pretty.

afterwards there was a dj thing that we decided to skip to go to the bar. we went to see a rage against the machine cover band but i had to leave quite early bc i was so socially drained and also, i forgot my ear protection so i was scared to stand there wo it. im so scared of getting tinnitus, esp as a musician.

saturday! i met up w e in the early afternoon. shes got a summer job at h&m and im so jealous. we went to some garden thrift shops (?) in the older part of town. such pretty gardens and i ended up getting a dark blue flannel and three glass bottles to put flowers in. v happy!

we later went to a café and chatted for an hour or so. i had an iced latte and a mudcake and it was so yum ! we then went walking around some shops and then went out for ice cream from the ice cream stand. theyve changed to the yucky soft serve and im so sad. only mcdonalds has the good soft serve nowadays TT

we spent the last hour or so at my place and did nothing really. i just touched up my makeup and gave her a try-on haul of the flannel. i feel really bad in a way. im so sure she likes me and it feels so mean now that i have a crush on someone else. i liked her a LITTLE. like i was a bit intrigued by the idea back in september but she didnt seem to have that then. i do think she deserves someone who gets as much butterflies as she does when theyre w each other though. ive realized thats usually the best way to make me realize whether i like someone or not. i need butterflies! such a good feeling!

in the evening me, c, l and ls ‘friend’ e went to the event again to join a queer culture quiz. we SUCKED, it was truly humbling. e was super nice and it was fun getting to speak english for a bit. after the quiz i joined c to the store to buy some food. i didnt get anything bc i wasnt THAT hungry and i knew wed go out for food later anyways. we met i on the way there and then again in the store. c and i sat in the park while they ate their food and then we went back to the venue. we missed some performance thingy but i wasnt too interested in it anyways. we came just in time for an elvis impersonator. it was surely,,, something. me and c were both very shocked over the ,,, quality... the thing is it was supposed to be satire but like it was just,,, actually bad. the costume was cool though. we then listened to some ambient music woah. i thought it would be a bit different but it was alright. c had to leave earlier bc she got overwhelmed by it and me, e and l left once some more ppl started leaving. nobody seemed to enjoy it that much. we stood outside and talked w s for a while. at one point a bunchhhh of ppl started leaving which was quite funny to watch happen.

we left after a bit and we went to get fries and the hot guy was at the cash register!!!!!!! super happy. me and c fangirled a bit over how hot he was.

we ate the fries in the park and i was feeling a bit woah ab the fact that we were IN the park so late at night. its a big park and its kinda known for being sketchy at night but we walked out unstabbed so id call it a success.

lastly, we went to the bar. it was filled w ppl and the festival held its after party there. it was basically a rave so i didnt really go to the dance floor but i stood outside passively smoking for hours instead. we were kind of awkward bc no one wanted to go up and talk to ppl. i suggested we couldve gone and talk to h and s and their friends or c and d and after suggesting c and d, c (my friend c, not this guy c) scoffed and went like “what would we talk ab w c and d? smoking weed?” and i was like “yeah? lets smoke w them yo!” and then they just ignored it lol but i kept talking ab going smoking w d throughout the night and i think i was the only one who found it funny. good thing i was sober bc i think if i wouldve been drunk i mightve even actually walked up to d and been like “yo,,, ik weve never exchanged a single word before but ur really cool, love ur bass stuff dawg (+ i have a massive crush on ur drummer friend), wanna get high?”

i left after a while bc i got bored bc my chingus didnt want to talk w anyoneeeee. fell asleep and woke up w a cold and its so bad atm. my entire body hurts and im so weak. work was so bad bc of it and idk,,, i might have to call in sick next shift. well see.

ive been listening to a lot of the police this past week so obviously...

sotw: the police - every breath you take