#thingsthatmakemegofuck

[shenaniginstigations]

Flying Spiders

I don’t like spiders.

I don’t freak out when I see them for the most part. It’s live and let live: they have their space, I have mine, and as long as the two spaces do not intersect, all is well. 

So, when we got home last night after several days away, the porch light was burned out, and my flashlight revealed a large web with a spider at the center blocking the way to the door, I didn’t freak.

That’s what I have a large husband for.

So I stood back as he took a length of wood, gently wound the web around it and nudged the spider off to one side. So far, so good.

Now he approaches the door, which has had a large funnel web over the top corner. I’d been giving it the side-eye for the last two weeks every time I went in, but I hadn’t seen any sign of habitation. As I keep holding the flashlight, he sticks the piece of wood up and starts clearing it away.

AND SOMETHING FLIES OUT.

Let me make this clear: my husband is removing a big spider web.

AND

SOMETHING

FUCKING

FLIES

OUT.

My husband claims that the sound that I made was an “Eeek!” which he found hilarious because I’ve never made it before.

I’m pretty sure that was an auditory artifact caused by me fitting a record setting number of “FUCKS” into a two second period.

Because for those two seconds, all I could think was “FLYING FUCKING SPIDER!!!!”

Of course, then my next thought was “Bat?” which was much less FUCK-inducing. And what it actually was was a bird that had built its nest over the door alongside the funnel web, apparently co-existing with with the inhabitant of the web, which was a fairly large, non-flying arachnid.

But for two seconds ... flying spiders.

I don’t like spiders.

But I would fucking HATE flying spiders.