#things are not going to get easier they're worsening at this very moment

[atlantis-just-drowned]

"Oh no what happens why do I feel so bad !!"

Turns out there's too many people out there holding high expectations on me.

[fatuismooches]

I see the angst you're about to drop on the next instalment and I'm about to cope by throwing in a cute scenario ( ＞Д＜；)

So fragile reader's hands tremor, without going into the full details of it - in some cases tremors may worsen either temporarily or permanently

Sometimes, the tremoring only happens on one hand! (But that has very *very* serious implications in reality, so for the sake of keeping things fluffy let's just say that it was just a weird day for fragile reader)

So, reader one day wakes up, and during the check ups they notice that, oh hey! Their left hand isn't tremoring for once, they're getting better! Then they raise their right— it's really wobbly

Segment, thinking that the tremoring is gone for now because of that one steady hand and is now trying to clip a monitor on Reader's right hand to check their blood oxygen (pulse oximeter): "Do keep still, there are a few more tests I must run."

Reader: "I'm not shaking it."

Segment: "..."

Reader: "It's erm... yeah."

Understandably, the Segment checking up on them is low-key freaking out because: why is that happening?? What's causing that?!

Meanwhile, reader who is also freaking out but is batting it away with humour, looking at their severely quacking hand: "Hm... I kinda need that... Ah, well, I guess I have an organic stipple pen now... that *is* what they're called, right?"

Then for the rest of the day (while the segments and prime are trying to find the root cause of that abnormality) reader is coping by joking around with said hand.

Reader: *picks up a test tube with shaking hand, the hand swirls the contents with minimal effort* "Oh! Wait— that sorta works? That's very convenient, actually."

Zandik, stressed: "My dear, get back on the gurney before I place you there myself." (Is worried that they might spontaneously collapse)

Shaky hands were nothing that new to you, having lived with them for a while due to your illness and all the stress that came with it. In the beginning, you tried to ignore them, but after a few accidents, you came to terms with the fact it'd be easier for everyone if you let the segments deal with your tasks. Especially on days when it seemed to be worse than others. But of course, there are times when no one can predict how bad it can get. This being one such moment.. Sometimes it gets to the point where ironically enough the Harbinger outwardly shows more concern for your wellbeing rather than you. (Although he's gotten used to you coping with jokes, he can easily see through that. He doesn't want you to put up a front around him but perhaps this makes you feel better? Unfortunately, the only one who laughs at your jokes is yourself... The others are too busy with their nose in some of your records or a machine.) And although they can't exactly make the tremors go away, the least they can do is make sure you don't need to do anything strenuous. Yes, their almost forceful instructions seem restricting, but they always say it's for the best.

[le-panda-chocovore]

Satosugu Hurt/Comfort + Fluff

@get0suguru I said I would so here it is !

Honestly, I don't think I'll write an entire fic but I need to get the ideas out of my head. Feel free to use this for your inspiration (and send me the link please !)

This is not properly written, this was a bullet list of ideas and I just took off the bullets because the paragraph became longer and longer and it was a mess. Feel free to use this for your own inspiration (and please send me the link if you publish something) !

English isn't my first language and I'm very tired, sorry for the mistakes.

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: .☽ . :☆ﾟ. ───

Geto Suguru & Gojo Satoru - 3rd year students

After Riko's death, Suguru slowly starts to spiral and question his role in the world, while Satoru starts training more and more alone and is sent on solo missions. The encounter with Yuki worsens Suguru's state.

Satoru notices that something's wrong and invites Suguru to eat something with him. Suguru feels a bit better when those blue eyes are looking at him. They make the habit of sharing a meal whenever they can.

They spend more and more time away from each other and Suguru's still spiraling, but every time they manage to meet, he allows himself to enjoy the life he has a little bit. Those blue eyes might be worth the pain.

Haibara dies and Suguru's hate for non-sorcerer is growing even quicker than before. He wonders why he's still there trying to protect them. He doesn't want to risk his life for them. He doesn't want to lose his friends for them.

A few days after that, Satoru finds his friend standing alone in the gymnasium. "You look like you're going to disappear." Suguru doesn't look at him when he answers "I'm so tired. I don't think I can keep going on." Satoru hugs him desperatly "Please stay with me. I'll figure things out, I'll make it easier for you, I'll give you everything. Stay for me. Please."

-Alternative to the emotional moment because Gojo won't act serious if he's not forced to (and because I don't know which dialogue I prefer)- Satoru, half-joking : "You look like a ghost, like you could disappear anytime." Suguru, not looking at him : "Maybe I can. Maybe I will. I can't find anything worth the sacrifice, I can't bring myself to be happy in this world." Satoru, rolling his eyes like the dramaking he is : "Duh, I'm here idiot ! Am I not the source of your happiness ? Am I not the best thing that happened in your life ? Am I not the one who brings a smile on your pretty face ? Don't you dare say that nothing in this world can make you happy when you're friend with me, dumbass !" Suguru is speechless, then he laughs and Satoru's proud to be right. Suguru calls him an idiot, but he agrees.

They're even closer than before now, always touching some part of their skin whenever they're together, and Satoru constantly reminds Suguru that everything will be fine as long as they stay together. He says things like "Look at me, I'm here." and "Can you stay for me ?" and "Remember that you're not alone" and "Just try to endure it a bit longer, I'm with you" every now and then. It gives Suguru the strength to keep going day by day despite his deep disgust with the jujutsu world.

Sometimes, Satoru is away for a long time, and Suguru is alone with the disgusting taste of the curses he has to swallow. He feels sick and awful, and he's so close to giving up everything. Satoru calls him when he can but he won't be back soon. He makes him promise to wait, and Suguru's not sure if he can do it. So Suguru crashes into Satoru's room and spends the entire time in the bed, which smells like Satoru. It helps.

One time they're cuddling in Suguru's bed (because Satoru decided he would sleep there that night) and Suguru grows an obsession with Satoru's small waist. Like, he can't stop touching it, it's driving him insane, he feels so high, like he just took every drug existing. Of course Satoru notices "Is that me or are you having an existential crisis over my waist ?" but of course it doesn't bother him at all. Now he uses this too as an argument to make Suguru stay at the school : "You can't live without my perfect body. Can you imagine running away and not being able to touch me anymore ?" The worst part is that it works.

Suguru saves the twins and kills the two adults who were accusing them, but he restrains himself from destroying the whole village. Instead, he calls Satoru who immediately teleports there despite being on a mission elsewhere. Satoru covers the crime scene and tells Suguru to pretend that the two non-sorcerers got killed during the fight against the curse. It's classified as collateral damage. The two of them bring Mimiko and Nanako to the school and teach them about the curses and the exorcists.

Now, Suguru has two more reasons to stay. He's still depressed and he still hates the monkeys, but he starts to believe that things would end up fine. He has people to protect now, he has people to love. He can fight for that.

When they graduate, Satoru and Suguru move out of the school with twins, and they take Megumi and Tsukimi with them.

[ashintheairlikesnow]

okay i don’t want to sound like a hater because that scene with kauri was beautifully written and like his trauma response + fucked up coping was so so real

but i guess i’m wondering if you feel there’s a difference in how different characters are “allowed” to feel and respond to things within their relationship dynamics . like, sure antoni gets mad at kauri, but minutes afterward when jake walks in he’s already forgiven kauri and they spend the whole conversation talking about how to make kauri apologizing easier on kauri. it just makes me sad and makes me feel like antoni isn’t allowed to fall apart in the same way kauri is because he’s thinking about how he’s affecting kauri, but kauri doesn’t have the same concern for him.

or, he may have it, but he still drives unsafely with chris in the car, actively scared of him/his driving, out to a bar to take drugs and get drunk, and the thought of how it will affect his husbands doesn’t stop him. where i feel like antoni and jake would never do the same type thing to him or each other, you know? they wouldn’t indulge their worst impulses because they just don’t get to let themselves go to that degree because they’re aware of the people who love them and the people who rely on them.

idk if all that makes sense, but it just made me a lil sad cuz as much as i love hurt kauri this specific storyline makes me feel protective of antoni and the way as soon as he rationally can, he’s shaping his trauma response to be as gentle as possible on kauri, and kauri doesn’t or can’t do the same for him :(

You are not incorrect, Anon. And I did try to write Kauri being more understanding but it wasn't true to how he would react in the immediate moment. I had to let Kauri take his fear and pain to its logical conclusion. Just like Antoni went to his - trying not to think about himself at all, instead turning it around into caring about someone else. They're both handling this terribly, in their own very different ways. Antoni's looks better from the outside because it seems selfless, but they're each committing a kind of self-harm. Antoni by pulling into himself and Kauri by making it his own fault and proof he is fundamentally not worth loving.

I don't think it is about allowance, so much as two men having very different trauma responses. Like, Kauri isn't more sympathetic here. He is arguably far less sympathetic, because he really did take Antoni's pain and make it all about him. And Antoni was right to realize he wasn't able to deal with that and end the conversation until he has some time to think.

Kauri does have the same concern but he can't access it through the very self-focused pain and shame he feels right now. I should note that Kauri is ALWAYS a terrible driver and being upset only worsened it like 20%.

A huge difference between Jake and Antoni and Kauri is actually... impulse control in general. Kauri's emotions overtake his sense of logic. His impulses drive him to do stupid shit first and realize he did stupid shit later, and he doesn't really have a voice inside him that speaks up about it until it's too late. Jake and Antoni don't struggle with that to that level. Antoni actually has the opposite problem. He basically never lets impulse carry him even when it would help.

I think, when I have the time and inspiration to write when Antoni and Kauri talk next, you'll see how they actually can complement each other when things get tough, they just have to each come out of their respective trauma responses enough to do so.

[cherienymphe]

Your comment didn't offend me! I just wanted to explain the reader's side of things because I do understand the concern for how Nat will feel. It's a sticky situation and I won't say whether or not Nat will be fully understanding about it, but Nat will see where the reader is coming from. Nat has guilt of her own she's dealing with on behalf of the reader (that will only worsen after the next chapter). Tbh they're both just miserable and feeling guilty about the other.

And yeah I see why you would want the reader to just tell Peter outright about that night when he asked, but I think there's this assumption Peter will be lenient on her solely because the reader entertained that thought herself. The reader understands the severity of what she did. That's why she doesn't want it to ever come out. Nat neither. I was serious when I said in their eyes, the reader's offense is worse than Nat's. The reader's betrayal is bigger than Nat's. The reader knows she fucked up so bad and it's why she'll never tell the truth about that night unless she's literally forced to because doing so won't make anything easier. It'll just make things a hell of a lot worse

Okay whew! Because I love commenting and I know sometimes I get carried away with my opinions as if I wouldn’t be a mess in this world. I would be doing so much worse than her, and she’s actually holding up really well considering. Every time I think I would be angry in her shoes I remember them boys killing her friends in cold blood and I calm right down. She’s doing well in such a confusing and awful situation.

But back to the conversation, I do understand her side better now, I just feared that Natasha would rather be punished than have it come out that she was pregnant so I was living by that possibility. But I get that the reader felt guilty and wanted to do her best to help her friend in anyway she could, especially since she knows she’s barely eating. But it’s sad that just the chance occurrence that the reader was looking out the window at that very moment will cause so much pain for the both of them. Because I know I joked about snitching but I wouldn’t be able to do that either. And now she’ll pay just for looking out the window and letting a victim escape her abuser.

But I seriously find it so wild that watching the crime is worse than doing it. Natasha runs away but the reader letting her is the real offense? These men are so twisted. Otherwise they would understand why no woman would want to expose the other women like that. They forget that all of these ladies are unwilling participants and in theory they should all be happy if a wife gets away and comes back with help. That’s how broken their minds are because how would you expect her to tell on her friend just for wanting freedom? And I think I did assume he would be more lenient but with the way you phrase it, it makes sense that the information should never get out, although it will anyways. Poor reader. It’s not even like she plotted to help, it was purely coincidence that she saw Nat leaving.

Yes to them, Nat running is only a big deal because she's done so after literal years. She's tried before and they expect it of all the wives when they first take them because why wouldn't they? They're always prepared for it within the first year but Nat has been there for so long and Bucky deluded himself into thinking she was fully settled and he had her completely under his thumb so she'd never run. Even still, a wife making a run for it? Horrible and inconvenient, but not something unheard of nor something they haven't dealt with before.

Reader on the other hand? Reader not telling is a big sign to show where her loyalties lie and it's not with her husband or any of the other men but the wives. Especially Nat. Reader is dangerous now. Because if any of the other wives want to try to escape or hell, want to hurt their husband, the reader isn't going to say anything. Nat accomplished much on her own, but what could she have accomplished if she had help? Nat running only put herself in danger, but in not telling, it shows that the reader is willing to put her wellbeing on the line just to help another wife against her husband and that's a mindset they can't tolerate. Even when she told Peter about the pregnancy, it could've gone so bad for her. Peter could've punished her like Steve would and he would've been "in the right to". He could've told Bucky immediately, put her on blast for the whole household and it's why while I get feeling for Nat who may or may not be pregnant and who may or may not want Bucky to know, the reader really essentially threw herself under the bus just for the chance to keep Nat from being physically hurt

[virdemption]

Seek90 Headcanon Rewrite what the fuck!! (<>?/<3)

Seek initially showed up in the rooms trying to get away from Ambush after a really shitty fight and wound up lost on accident, A-90 was the one to find them and teach them about the rooms.

The start was rocky though, because they mistook him for Ambush at first. But this was very quickly resolved. When everyone goes back to the hotel, A-90 basically functions as those two's auspistice and it's effective mostly because he has strong positive relationships with both entities.

The relationship comes across as one sided to the majority of entities (Including A-90), but it isn't. A-90 is very painfully obviously in love but Seek hasn't said anything, coming off as not reciprocating. Well, they're on all levels incapable of reciprocating, right?

But they can. They do and it's physically painful. Feeling such strong positive emotions so often and suddenly worsens the crusty, tumor-like growths that spread and begin to dry them up until there's nothing left that makes Seek "Seek". A-90 does not know this.

A-90 has no intent on ever confessing to Seek. Doesn't matter since Seek already knows how he feels (and he's unaware of that) but it still looms in his mind. This won't have to end if it doesn't start.

The prospect of being in love also scares A-90 and he can't explain it. Sometimes he overthinks his crush and it becomes distressing. It's easier to suppress his feral urges when Seek is around but at the same time he feels like he'll collapse on all fours at any given moment so that just kinda makes him really nervous.

Seek sometimes goes very long periods of time ghosting A-90 in the belief that not talking to him will fix the growths, but they're still hella thinking about him so it doesn't really do shit lawl. A-90 never messages anyone unless they reach out first so he gets put under the impression that they're focused on other friends. Something something Seek's just like pop music or the like.

Whenever they do meet again... Oh boy, A-90 gets way too excited at times, sometimes spamming their messages, and if they meet in person oops he's reverted. He has pounced on them before and has also accidentally left clean gashes on their body (sometimes slicing limbs off). They heal back really well though so it's fine. Seek's only real concern with that is if any of their goo gets into his mouth.

Which yes. Has happened before. That's also how Seek eventually began to reciprocate! One day they spent like 2 hours trying to get A-90 to his room after tripping balls from accidentally swallowing some of their goo and going full rabies mode at his peak.

A-90 oftentimes rants to Seek, who very rarely has anything to say in response. They do however love hearing him talk and, unlike many entities, finds his voice relaxing albeit crunchy and a bit feral sometimes.

Speaking of, whenever A-90 gets back to his senses after reversion, he'll be embarrassed as all hell if Seek was there to witness it in any capacity. Sorry for mauling the hell out of your undercooked steak and clawing the wallpaper right off do you still think I'm handsome-

A-90's whole thing is attempting to be proper and distinguished. Seek can shatter this so painfully easily if they really wanted to, which is something almost all other entities cannot do. A-90 thinks it's probably some primal urge bullshit while Seek thinks he simply just trusts them enough (It's a mix of both).

Curious Light actually discovered Seek in the rooms while they were trying to comfort A-90 after a really bad event. This is how she eventually got back to the hotel but goddamn this was fucking scary for her to witness.

Seek can't explain why but they oftentimes gets lost staring at their reflection in A-90's armor whenever it's been recently polished. They have accidentally hypnotized themselves multiple times before due to this.

A-90's always changing blood color depending on his mood sometimes gets absorbed by Seek if the jutting razors' wounds cause it to touch them and, based on the color, it affects Seek. Red has a calming, healing effect, yellow doesn't do jack shit, and green harms them.

[manslaught]

she gets asked that very same question so often that perhaps she could afford to take a look at herself and ask the same thing, but she won't, refusing to admit there's a real problem with her, that her tendency to jump from zero to one hundred in a matter of seconds is normal. “i don't know, maybe the fact i got stabbed in the leg?” the wound itself isn't the real issue here, though it's far easier to pretend it is. mikayla doesn't think she'll bleed to death, or at the very least, hopes to the gods she won't, because to endure all she has, only to die by a broken branch in her leg would be embarrassing. “i'll haunt you, just to be annoying,” she grumbles, glancing down at the wound, the blood pooling around the stick, still embedded in her thigh, because she knows the bleeding will only worsen as soon as she pulls it out.

staring at it isn't going to help, so she slides the blade of her knife beneath the tear in her jeans, cutting the rest of the pant leg off, because they're ruined anyway, so at least she can use it to wrap around her leg—as soon as it's cleaned, that is, because leah's right, as much as mikayla hates to confess. “i don't have anything to clean it with,” she admits, which is as close as a plea for help as she'll allow herself after viciously denying it only moments before.

facial expression turns into surprise, confusion, and finally annoyance. leah can understand better than anyone the lack of trust, but she doesn't appreciate the unfriendly tone that accompanies the rejection. “ what's your fucking problem ? ” one must appreciate the irony of her being the one asking that question, which is a testament of how uncalled for mikayla's behavior is. she tries hard not to flinch at the blood being messily smeared all around the wound, thinking that her own approach to the situation would've been a lot cleaner. “ fine. go ahead and bleed to death, see if i care. ” the reality of the situation is that she does care, or she wouldn't have asked in the first place. leah isn't sure when disregard for her peers turned into concern, even less sure about how she feels about it. “ but you should at least clean it. it looks disgusting. ” and it was probably the wisest step to take.

[hajimesh]

𝗸𝗲𝗲𝗽 𝗺𝗲 𝗶𝗻 𝘆𝗼𝘂𝗿 𝗵𝗲𝗮𝗿𝘁

⥅ eren jaeger / 1.8k words

warnings. manga spoilers, fluff and angst, gender neutral reader

a/n. my entry for anilysium's collab, don't forget to check the masterlist !! thank u sm temi for the beta ♡ @thefairywalker

hope is what makes someone hold onto a promise. and that hope it's worse than the broken promise itself.

—

845.

an autumn-like breeze cooled down the summer afternoon, and with the sky barren of any clouds, it was easier for the sun rays to land on those familiar blond strands.

"over there!"

eren's small hand—even though it was big enough to cover yours—wrapped around your wrist before it tugged you through the crowd. your rapid breaths were all you could hear while you mentally prayed to make it on time, just a couple more steps and you would be within reach, already staring at armin’s frightened face which caused your heart to jump. but what finally managed to send you in a state of despair was the sight of eren shoving the bigger kid away.

“what do you think you’re doing, yeager?!”

“are you hurt?” tears gathered at the corners of your eyes while you helped armin up on his feet, you didn’t have to turn around to know eren had received a punch, his pained wail making you flinch.

armin took your hand and together faced the scene before your eyes, holding onto each other's hands while tears dampened your cheeks.

“leave him alone!” the tremble in your voice was obvious, even after multiple fights with those kids it always ended up the same way. armin and you crying in fear for eren and mikasa's safety.

only this time mikasa was nowhere to be seen.

“shut up!” 

“don’t talk to them like that!” with a kick on the shin, eren managed to keep the bully out of commission for a few seconds. but that was enough for your saviour to arrive.

“leave before i call the garrison.”

relief began to relax your tense stance, you all knew that it wasn’t the moment to be wasting their time in a kid’s fight, the shortage of food seemed to worsen each day and keeping the people on a tight leash became harder as the days went by.

the kid seemed to finally realize he wouldn't win this time, so with a scoff he took a couple of steps back, "this isn't over," his annoyed gaze traveled from eren to you, "and try not to piss your pants next time."

the three of you watched him run away while the rush of adrenaline began to wear out on your bodies and gave in to the tiredness. had mikasa not intervened, the outcome would've been way worse.

"hey," eren was the first one to break the silence, turning towards you and landing a hand on your shoulder. unfortunately, the softness in his voice was your catalyst and soon you allowed the distress to overcome you, "oh no, don't cry!"

it was useless to try to get your tears to stop, falling one after another as your chest racked with broken sobs, "i-i'm sorry i couldn't be o-of help!"

armin watched in worry as eren tried and failed to get you to calm down. he could tell you were scared when you confronted the bully, your hold on his hand so tight he feared you would end up hurting yourselves. but even so, you had pulled through your fear and stood your ground, something he admired from you.

with a tug on your shirt, mikasa signaled you to start walking, her impassive yet reassuring gaze letting you know she was there for you.

"let's go home."

—

the warm steam that blew onto your blotchy face felt soothing, the taste of mrs. yeager's freshly brewed tea successfully relaxing the tightness in your chest as it ran down your throat.

you could already feel the tiredness hitting you all at once, begging you to lie down and close your eyes so you could rest your mind after the afternoon's occurrences. but with eren's eyes observing you, you knew you weren't off the hook yet.

"better?"

not trusting your voice, you hummed and smiled behind the cup resting on your lips, sniffling slightly when a flashback of eren being punched on the face appeared on your mind.

however, he didn't seem to be done with the topic.

"why did you stand up to him if you were so scared? you were lucky he didn't go for you." 

"'cause i didn't want him to keep punching you."

"i don't need your help," his tone gave you the wrong impression. were you bothering him? a frown pulled your lips in a wobbly pout but he was quick to realize his error, "i mean, we should focus on armin, right? he's the one always in trouble."

you rocked your feet back and forth, watching them dangle from the chair as you mulled over his words. he wasn't lying, it was armin who often ended up as the victim of those bullies. at least when neither of you were around to aid him.

"i have a plan!" eren suddenly perked up, eyes brimming with excitement and pride as he obviously found his plan a good one, "dad always says that it's his duty to protect mom because they're married. so, if we get married, i can protect you and we can protect armin—together!"

you couldn't help but gasp, "married?! but we are too little!"

"not now, dummy. when we grow up!"

"what if i cry again and can't protect armin?" you voiced out your biggest worry as you pushed the cup away and made room on the table for your arm, resting your chin on top of it after yawning.

"i'll protect all of us," he didn't even hesitate, “and we have mikasa too.”

the silly promise made so much sense to your 10-year-old brain, which is why you held onto the hope and safety it gave you and agreed.

carla yeager squealed the news to her husband once eren and you had fallen asleep.

—

850.

there wasn't a day where you didn't regret not going with them.

the lively days soon became dull without eren and armin’s excited voices as they discussed the fire and icy lands in armin’s book, mikasa’s reassuring presence gone as well. but you knew you wouldn’t make it through the strenuous military training—or at least that was what you had told yourself.

truthfully, you wondered how were they not scared of continuing with their suicide mission of joining the legion, all those sacrifices just to see what was outside the walls. why couldn’t they be happy with what you already had? it wasn’t much, but you had each other, which was more than what most people could say.

with shiganshina gone, you became one of the refugees that lurked in the streets of trost. the conditions to live growing harsher, food and shelter becoming escarse and a luxury, but eren’s promise gave you enough strength to go on with your days until you landed a job as a waitress at a pub. 

you missed them, all of them.

their names flew from the mouths of the military police and other higher ups that passed by, making you wonder what they were up to. however, when news spread about eren’s abilities to shift into one of those creatures, that old sense of worry shook you to your very core.

was he hurt? mikasa wouldn't let anyone lay a finger on him, but what if they separated them?

multiple scenarios ran through your head, many of them not so pleasing and only worsening your nerves. but if their names kept coming up in the authorities’ conversations after each and every mission, then it meant they were still alive.

unfortunately, all you could do was pray for their well-being and silently beg them to return.

—

854.

after years of not hearing his voice, it took you several seconds to recognize it.

“where– where are we? why–”

“you’ve changed,” his tone was soft yet hints of curiosity sept through as he marveled at you, “you look older..." prettier, he wanted to say.

having spent so many years without the intensity of his gaze, you realized you had grown unused to it, “you’ve changed too.”

it seemed like everyone had disappeared, except for you and him. dunes of fine sand slithered under your feet and a bright light illuminated the starry sky, converging by the horizon and causing his green eyes to shine in a way you had never seen before.

“eren… what’s all this?”

one moment you were surrounded by chaos, people screaming while an army of colossal titans walked south and eren declared war against the rest of the world; and the next it all had gone quiet, a man—eren—standing next to you while holding your hand.

"they will pay, and then we will be free," his thumb rubbed the skin on the back of your hand gently.

you caught the way his gaze hardened for a second, rage clear in his features but what confused you the most was the amount of hurt swirling in his eyes.

​​what did he mean by 'they'? you were aware of marley's feelings towards the eldians but was it truly that bad? there were so many questions you wanted to ask, but something told you that you didn’t have enough time so you chose to stick to the most important ones. 

“how's mikasa? armin... is it true? he’s the colossal now?”

eren pulled you closer to him by tugging on your hand, cradling the side of your face with his free hand as a smile took over his lips.

"mikasa's busy kicking everyone's asses," he joked and you couldn't help but laugh, relieved at the sudden lightness in his voice. your eyes closed briefly when he leaned forward and rested his forehead against yours, licking his lips before continuing, "armin... yeah, he's the colossal. looks like i need to find another excuse to marry you, hm?” 

you found it unfair how after almost a decade, he could still hold such a power over your heart, the butterflies in your stomach feeling worse than what you recalled.

“you remember?”

he didn't miss the hope in your tone, his own heart aching at the thought of you assuming he had forgotten about your existence. there wasn't a day where he hadn't wondered about your well-being, were you safe? had a titan stole your life just like they had done with his mom? it was armin and mikasa who consoled him whenever the intrusive thoughts became too much to his already stressed mind.

“i never forgot.”

it was subtle, the way that kids promise evolved into a lifetime vow—but neither of you minded.

“i need you to promise me one more thing," he murmured, his breath fanning over your lips while your own faltered at his proximity.

“you’re leaving again,” it wasn't a question.

“i have to.”

it pained him to no end, but it had to be done. the warmth of his lips touched your forehead, your cheeks, and lips; staying longer on the latter while your hearts synchronized for a moment, sharing years worth of affection.

"stay here, on the island. find somewhere safe to stay until it all ends.”

a mere murmur on your lips, that was all it took to harm your hopeful soul.

"and don't wait for me."

[boldlyvoid]

Intro to Criminal Minds: Why They Did It

Criminal Minds x MINDHUNTER AU

Spencer Reid x Margaret Carr (OC)

Part 1: Ed Kemper.

Summary: Spencer is teaching a 7-week seminar on the most interesting criminal cases, explaining their actions to understand why they took place. Only, not everyone in the audience is a student.

warnings: graphic details of a real rape and murder case, like every trigger in the book, applies to this fic so read with caution (if you watch either show you're used to it, however), it's all real and did actually happen and I don't support any of it. strangers to lovers, mutual pining, flirting, fluff, eventual smut, idiots in love, OC is Wendy Carr's daughter, her bio father is Jason Gideon

word count: 3.9K

He'd be lying if he said he wasn't having fun teaching.

He started with guest speaking, moving to special seminars a few times a year. But he wanted something more, settling for a 7-week criminal justice elective of his choosing.

Intro to Criminal Minds: why they did it. Giving Spencer an excuse to share the most intimate facts about serial offenders in a setting where no one could tell him to shut up.

14 students total signed up for the two-hour Seminar, taking place every Thursday at 11 am from September until Halloween. Over the 7 weeks, he would explain the fascinating insights of the most successful killers in the United States. Only asking that his students write about a prolific crime they find interesting by the end of term, for their full grade.

All he wanted was to read about obscure killers from around the world, from the perspective of aspiring profilers.

The first Thursday, he came prepared with his coffee a half hour before the class. He wanted to write the main points on the whiteboard in advance, nice and neatly.

To his surprise, a student was already there waiting for him. "Oh, hello,” he smiled softly.

She was sitting with a book in her hands, she pushed her glasses up her nose to look at him as he walked in. She was older than his typical student, around 35. Probably finishing up a degree or adding something to what she already had.

"Hi," she smiled at him. “Sorry, I’m early, I was visiting my mom at Quantico earlier.” She explained. "I'm not a teacher's pet or anything. Promise, I’m not even a student.”

It made him laugh slightly, correcting him like she read his mind. "It's okay, I'm Doctor Reid," he introduced himself softly.

“Margaret Carr, Peggy is also fine.”

"Pleasure to meet you," he said quickly before focusing his attention on the whiteboard.

He could feel her eyes on him the whole time he wrote, not wanting to turn around and catch her. "That's so interesting," he heard her mumble under her breath.

"Hmm?" He turned around.

"It's just that, everyday occurrences that never phase the regular person somehow cause psychopaths to kill," she read the board back to him.

"I was reading a study a while back about how psycho killers medulla oblongata is approximately 19% smaller than the average human’s. Based on the way they're nurtured as children affects if they grow up to kill. The ones that don't often end up in law enforcement and other positions of power where their psychopathic tendencies can come to play."

He was taken aback for a moment. He had never experienced a student who was like him before. Someone who just pulled facts into conversations like it was nothing.

"I read that as well," he smiled. "It is fascinating. The smallest amount of bullying and abuse from a mother or disappearance of a father figure can set them off."

"Or, on the other hand, there are people like Ted Bundy," she added. "He was well-loved and taken care of, but it went to his head. His god complex and affinity for lying led him to be incredibly charismatic and enabled his killing."

"You're very educated on this already; are you just interested in hearing me speak today?" He asked, not wanting her to leave, finding it interesting that she was there.

"Oh," she blushed. "I was going to talk to you more about it after the seminar actually."

“Okay, I’ll be waiting for you,” he felt a little giddy at the prospect.

"Thanks," she laughed. "Seriously though, I'm a big fan of your teaching style, I saw a few of your classes when my dad was teaching at the academy in 2005. It's a lot easier to remember facts if the lecturer genuinely loves what they're talking about."

"You're going to like this Seminar then. It’s basically just a way for me to get paid while unloading all the random facts I have,” he warned her with a smile.

"I know." She smiled back at him.

The rest of his students filed in slowly. By 11 am, 14 faces were staring back at him.

"Hello," he waved awkwardly. "I'm dr. Spencer Reid. For the last 12 years, I've worked with the FBI's Behavioural Analysis Unit. Catching serial offenders across the country."

He took a deep breath, letting the nerves find their way out of him. "I've been asked time and time again who my favourite serial killer is, which is a peculiar way to phrase the question. It feels morally wrong to have a favourite in the way people do with baseball players.

"I am, however, fascinated with several serial offenders' reasoning and explanation for why they did what they did. Every single killer is different, but it all comes back to 1 thing. Do you know what that is?"

They all shook their heads. “What is your relationship with your parents like?" He asked. 

Everyone in the room reacted; some students sighed, some rolled their eyes as they recalled their parents and childhoods to memory.

"When a person decides to kill, it's often never in the moment. It's in childhood. The majority of serial offender's stories start the same; their mother didn't love them, their father left. Someone at home abused them or put them down repeatedly."

"Thus, causing a hatred so primal to bubble. No matter how hard they try and fight it, the bubble always bursts. They go from fantasizing to killing in retaliation for their abuse, taking the anger out in stages."

He referred to the board. "Every killer has a stressor and a trigger—something that causes the urge to bubble and the event that causes the bubble to rupture.”

"Edmund Kemper is a fascinating example of this. He grew up with a family for the first few years of his life before his father fully abandoned them. His mother handled the situation by turning her anger onto her son; it was his fault his father left, he looked just like him, Ed was just another useless man who would never amount to anything," he emphasized the words. Hoping the class sees the effects words have on children.

"He started by cutting up dolls, stealing his sister's barbies and cutting their heads off. In his mind, he was getting out his anger and hatred for how his mother saw him. She hated men, causing him to mature with a warped idea of what women are truly like."

"His attraction to killing worsened his mother's hatred; she could tell something was wrong with him, that he didn't react to everyday situations the way he should. By the time he was ten, she was locking him in the basement for days on end, telling him he was a monster and her biggest regret."

"The change in her rage amplified his own. He hated hearing her speak. He hated the way she walked around, thinking she was better than him. That just because she was a mother and a working woman, she deserved respect and submissive’s. All he could see was a woman with a big head who needed to be humbled. This is the moment when the psychotic side of his brain blended his hatred of his mother with how good it felt to kill."

"Is that why he, you know?" Peggy cut in, running her finger along her neck as she pretended to cut her head off.

He pressed his lips together in an awkward smile, nodding. "His signature, as it's called, was decapitation. But more specifically necrophiling the severed head of his victims."

The whole class let out a disgusted noise, Peggy and Spencer making eye contact while they shrugged, it wasn't news to them.

"At age ten, he moved from barbies to cats and dogs, never leaving them around for his mother to see. While he hated her, he was also absolutely terrified of her. Breading a special type of killer. When you think of school shooters or preferential predators, what do they have in common?" He asked.

He pointed at a student in the back. "They have a specific type of victim they’re after?"

"Exactly. Most serial offenders want to go after the cause of their pain or attraction. However, Ed wasn't able to kill the source of his rage for a long time. His mother mentally abused him so intensely that he believed she was in control of him and that her opinion of him mattered. He saw her as his God, he loved her, but he also knew that he disappointed her.

"He ran away soon after to find his father. Travelling to California, only to be told he was unwanted there as well. It wasn't just his mother that his father was escaping; it was the fundamental aspect of family that he didn't want. Ed defiantly didn't want to go back to his mother after that, so he moved in with his paternal grandparents."

He kept catching the looks on Peggy's face. She knew the story already, waiting patiently to hear the words he chose to make the horrific acts seem a little more conversational.

"His grandmother was exactly like his mother. If I had to guess, his father most likely had a distaste for his own mother and thus divorced Ed's mom. Only he never grew up to be a killer, just an absent father—his absence doing to Ed what never happened to him."

"Ed killed his grandparents when he was 15. Telling the police and his therapists that they had beaten him constantly, they refused to feed him and called him names. He said he snapped from the trauma; it was self-defence."

Peggy laughed to herself, making him smile softly. "Sending him to a mental hospital instead of a juvenile facility was the worst thing they could've done for him," Spencer added.

"Why?" A student asked.

"Ed is a psychopath." He reminded them. "He doesn't feel empathy the way we do. You can admit that you feel bad for him, yes? If you understand why he killed people, it doesn't make you sick, like him, it makes you human. You see a hurt person hurting others; Ed Kemper sees himself as a new sort of God, choosing who dies, how and when."

"He was brilliant, having the exact IQ as I do," just a humblebrag, "the staff trusted him. He looked like an innocent boy, smart enough to take matters into his own hands for the betterment of his life. They gave him computer privileges, they let him work the front desk and file patient information. Giving him all the resources to learn about who he was inside and how to get away with it perfectly."

"Damn," another kid added. "When did he get out?"

"At 21.” He answered the student quickly. “Ed was interviewed by my mentor Jason Gideon, in the 70s. Where he explained that being locked up during his sexual prime, as well as the access to information, is what truly set him off more than his mother.

"He moved back in with her and his sister when he came out of the institution, immediately returning to the constant ridicule. He went from being told all the time that he was a smart and charming young man, capable of rehabilitation to a useless, no-good son, who would have been better off collecting in a condom or running down her leg."

The whole class laughed, shocked at his repetition of Ed's mother's words.

"He got his licence when he was released. And remember, this was prime time for hitchhiking in California; everyone and their mother walked the roads with a thumb in the air. It was the birth of free love and recreational marijuana usage. It was also the best hunting ground for a learning serial killer."

"He was able to pick women up, but like I said, missing his sexual prime while in an institution made him almost impotent. He didn't know how to speak to women; he had to create a fantasy in his mind every time, one that involved killing, before he could look at a woman."

"How did he get them in his car then?" A voice asked from the back.

"He was 6'9, 300lbs; he looked like a big teddy bear. And his mother was the local college administrative assistant, so the whole town knew him anyway. If Ed offered to give them a ride, it wouldn't be that bad, right?" Peggy turned around to face the class as she explained for Spencer, who just shook his head.

"He only wanted to rape the victims, originally," Spencer added. "But he couldn't. There was no release of the tension. The bubble that had been growing inside him was at its breaking point; he needed to just do it. Get it over with and move on."

"He killed 6 women in succession after that. Gaining the name "The Co-Ed Killer," well before anyone even suspected Ed Kemper," Spencer took a sip of coffee, feeling his throat start to dry as they reached the insane part.

"He was overly friendly with the cops; he wanted to get his record expunged and join the force.” Spencer finally continued. “Being told, "don't worry about your record, worry about your weight.""

"Most killers enjoy wearing a uniform for the power and talking to the police about their cases, in the hopes of gauging how smart they really are—taking pride in the fact that they are getting away with it for so long."

"He watched all the cop shows, and he read all the books. He knew that in order to get away with it, he had to do it where no one could trace it back to him. He knew he had to keep his cool and avoid looking obsessed with the case, but just curious enough to gain insight into how they thought he was doing it. It went on for years, and they had absolutely zero leads, finding headless bodies every few months before they finally received a call." He left them hanging, walking over to his sheet of paper and pretending to read it while they anticipated the catch.

"Ed always knew that he wanted to kill his mother. He just never knew when,” Spencer teased the story along. Noticing as the students fidgeted in their seats as they wondered what happened next.

“In his interview with Gideon, Ed said that he knew she would die 7 days before he killed her. He walked into her room that night to find her reading, with the audacity to ask if he wanted to come in and chat all night. Teasing him for the way he rambled to her. It was the last time she ever did that."

"It's hard to imagine his signature with the fact his second last victim was his mother," Peggy added, cringing at the thought.

"Wait," another student interjected. "Who was his last kill then if he only really wanted to kill her?"

"Remember how I said he lacked empathy?" Spencer asked. "He loved his mother in the same way a prisoner can end up loving their captor."

Peggy nods at the comparison, looking like she's never thought of it that way before, then smiling at him.

"You grow a bond through the trauma and when the only thing you've ever known is violence and hate, you don't know what to do when that's gone, it's hard to cope."

"He said he killed his mother so that she never had to know what he did. She'd never have to sit at his court hearings or be able to tell the media that she always knew he was a killer."

"His last kill was his mother's best friend," He finally answered the question.

"He didn't want his mother to be even more disappointed in him, but he also didn't want his mother's best friend to find her like that and be upset. So the obvious answer to him was to kill her too."

"What the fuck?" He heard a couple of kids say under their breath.

"Yeah," he agreed with an almost chuckle. "This is what I mean by their answers are fascinating. It makes so much sense to them; clearly, if I kill my mother, her friend will be upset, so the best answer would be to put her out of her misery as well. He sees them as objects, like a matching set. One would lose value without the other."

Everyone was silent then. The students took in all the information they had just received, staring up at him with a look of disgust mixed with wonder.

"Any questions?"

Peggy raised her hand for a change; he pointed towards her in approval. "You missed the part where he specifically took the heads from the three women before his mother and brought them back home with him. He buried them in the yard outside her bedroom window, making sure they were always looking up to her."

Spencer was amazed that she knew the details. "Yes, I guess I did."

"I always found that part particularly interesting in this case," Peggy added. "Her opinion mattered so much to him. He knew how much she loved her co-ed's and how they looked up to her so much. They'd be exactly like her. He felt trapped in a town of women who were exactly like his nightmare, and his response was to make them physically look up to her for the rest of her life."

"Exactly." Spencer smiled. "understanding how he sees the situation and how the events played out in his mind is the key in figuring out who he is."

"If you were on the case in '72 when the first victims were discovered, how would you have handled it, Dr. Reid?" A male student in the back asked in the silence between answers, taking his shot before Peggy and Spencer went any further in their discussion.

“That's a hard thing to answer, connecting evidence back then was a lot harder than it is today, if it wasn’t for men like Ed there wouldn’t really be this many answers,” Spencer said honestly.

Another student put her hand up, “what’s the worst thing he did in your opinion?”

That racked his brain, there was a handful of horrific things he did that were particularly horrific, “probably his mother's entire murder.”

“What did he do?”

Before Spencer could answer he saw Peggy open her mouth and start explaining. “He not only cut off her head and fucked her neck, but he also took her vocal cords out and shoved them down the garbage disposal. And before he called the cops, he cleaned everything up and made her look presentable because he said his mother wouldn’t want guests to see the mess.”

The class all cringed, sinking into their seats with disgust. But that didn’t stop Peggy from explaining it all further.

“He used to go to a bar all the cops went to and he would talk about his case. They would always one-up themselves and say they were close which gave him this false idea that they were on his tail and they’d find his mother soon. But when they didn’t, he called it in from a payphone and said he’d come over and explain it all. And boy did he ever, the cops said he wouldn’t shut up. And then when they put him in the cop car finally, a woman walked past him and he threw up.”

Spencer watched her with awe, the way she could call information to memory like that was beautiful. He listened to her like he’s never heard a fact before, she was so intriguing.

“Thank you for the detail,” he teased her lightly. “Sometimes I get so caught up that the really gross parts get swept aside.”

The class smiled at him, he had gained their trust and attention within only 1 hour of class.

“I know you said you don’t have a favourite,” another student asked from the back. “I agree it’s weird, but who is the one you gravitate towards the most?”

“I’ve met hundreds of serial killers, I’ve read about thousands,” he explained. “I think Ed Kemper is the one I gravitate the most around because he was so willing and open to explaining why he is the way he is. Going as far as to say that the only way they could keep women safe is to give him a lobotomy. He didn’t believe there was any correcting to be done, only removal of the evil within him.”

He heard slight mumbles as everyone took in what he said. “Does anyone here have a killer or a case that interested them in learning more, or just introduced you to the chase of justice?”

Peggy put her hand up, “I personally think BTK is the scariest, most tactical, and just downright evil man to ever exist. He scares me to no end but he’s so interesting to learn about.”

“Ahh,” Spencer agreed. “Too bad you won't be here for week 3. But with that I think I’ll end the class, next week we’ll be discussing the difference between Ted Bundy and Richard Speck.” He nodded lightly, watching the majority of them close their books and had on out.

“I really enjoyed the class,” she said softly. Holding her purse in one hand, a collection of files in the other.

Spencer turned to look at her then, smiling right back. “It was a pleasure to teach alongside you.”

“What do you mean?” She teased, “it’s not like my mom and dad were the ones who did all the interviews."

“Carr,” he repeats her last name. The gears turning in his mind as he brings all the information forth.

“Your mother is Wendy Carr, she was recruited after the BTK case with Bill Tench, she’s who was behind that study you mentioned.”

“I know,” she smiled.

“Who’s your father?”

“Guess,” she looked at him with an unimpressed look on her face, pushing her glasses up slightly.

“You’re kidding? Gideon never said he had a daughter let alone a,” he stops himself before he can embarrass himself any further.

She smiled at the implication of his words, “but he’s told me all about you Dr. Reid, that’s why I'm here.”

“You need help with a case and I’m the only agent in Virginia currently,” he pressed his lips together awkwardly. Knowing it was too good to be true that she would have any interest in him in the slightest.

“No actually, I have a case I’ve been working on privately and I need some help. I asked my dad but he said you’d be able to help me the best. I agree,” she corrected him softly. “I wasn’t kidding when I said I was a big fan of yours. When I would sit in and watch his lectures, before he knew I was his kid, you would always step in at the best parts, adding the smallest details to the story that the average person would forget. It’s magnificent.”

He laughed slightly, tugging at his collar as she complimented him. “Thank you, you’re quite magnificent as well,” he replied with a blush and a smile

She didn’t look like Gideon, probably because she smiled so much. Like sunshine on legs, she beamed, all but blinding him with her smile as she stared at him, “do you want to get lunch and go over this case with me?”

“I’d love to.”

taglist: (message me if you want to be added or removed)

@shemarmooresfedora @spencers-dria @spookyspence @reidsfish @manuosorioh @mochionly @samuel-de-champagne-problems @jswessie187 @k-k0129 @calm-and-doctor @blanchardsbk

[maschotch]

I am bothered by Hotch deciding he's gonna be the one doing therapy for team after Emily's death. Like I get it he might be punishing himself but he could have done so much damage! Like he saw Reid was in the hard place and Emily "dying" only worsen his mental health. And Derek who for the second time was with someone close to him while they died. And Garcia being really attached to everyone because her parrents died too... like he was doing so much damage by trying to help. I guess it all is circling back to Hotch greatest fear that he can not save everyone to the point where he can not admitt that the besy thing he can do is help them by sending them to someone who actually can help

aljksdhkj ik and i think its sooooooo sexy of him ajkshlfg like at this point i think its been well established that i love emo hotch moments and there is something that is *chefs kiss* ab hotch needing to bear the brunt of the team’s grief. obviously he’d blame himself for the whole situation no matter what the outcome was, but this time he actively made a decision that is hurting them. he made the call that emily should go into hiding and to fake her death. not a decision he would’ve made lightly, and who knows how it would’ve turned out if he had done differently, but he prioritized her life, her safety, over the mental wellbeing of the team. so to hear exactly how brutal this experience is for them seems like a fitting punishment. he’s miserable too for his own reasons, but its not enough. he needs to feel their suffering. he can’t make that choice and not know exactly what it’s doing to them. it feels... irresponsible.. if he just turned a blind eye and let someone else handle it.  he’s already the cause of their misery, what kind of leader would he be if he didn’t face the consequences for that? if he left the team to rot in their anguish? no no.. he has to be the one to hear it. he made that choice the moment he sent emily away

ok jasdlhgskj but bc someone has to defend this white man and ig its gotta be me, so i'll say this: i honestly dont think any of them going to actual therapy would've been helpful? for multiple reasons. 1) what hotch said about being worried ab one of strauss's minions coming in and judging everyone, looking for the slightest thing to potentially shut the team down or separate them or god knows what. it may not be best for the individuals, but its best for the group, and honestly family is what they need 2) this post becomes very relevant aksjhdg even if it was someone with the best intentions, i doubt any of them would actually open up or engage in a way that would actually help them at all. (with the exception of maybe penelope but honestly penelope was probably the only one where it actually was helpful to talk to hotch. the outcome was probably the same, it was probably just easier for her bc she feels more comfortable with hotch and she doesnt have to spend as much time building ~rapport~ with the therapist.) i guess hotch just figured "if they're not gonna talk to anyone honestly to get the help they need, they might as well talk to me since at least they wont lie" which is definitely the reasoning he uses to excuse it when really he just wants to suffer kajshdflg but that doesnt make it any less true.