#thing keeley misses most: jamie's car

[samwpmarleau]

JAMIE & KEELEY            ↳ 1.03 Trent Crimm, The Independent

[captainhotch]

This Love | Roy Kent

note; random ted lasso imagine for the girlies who are in love with roy kent (me). not proof read as per usual

masterlist

There was no such thing as right person wrong time, you reminded yourself for the twentieth time in the past two months as you turned off your tv— absolutely tired of seeing your ex boyfriend blasted all over the football channels.

You had broken up about mid way threw his last season— well, he had broken up with you. You had been together for about a year and a half. A beautiful, really happy year and a half. Sure the man was an absolute grump, preferring more to groan than talk half the time, but he had the largest heart of any person you had ever met. His love was so pure and so kind.

The breakup was a bit of a blindside. He had been playing poorly, slowing down as a consequence of his age catching up. He was making mistakes. And Roy Kent did not make mistakes. So he did what only made sense to him in that moment and cut out all distractions. And you, well you were the biggest distraction of them all.

So you packed all of his things in a cardboard box and marched through the halls of the Richmond FC clubhouse, heals echoing across the lithium floor. Your head was high but your heart was in your stomach as you willed the tears to wait until you were safely back behind the tinted windows of your car.

You smiled at Higgins as you passed him outside of the locker room doors, receiving a sheepish wave back. You didn’t realize it at the time, but your smile paired with the dead look in your eye was absolutely terrifying. Next thing you knew you were dropping the box down on the floor in front of him, whipping your hair over your shoulder, and walking away with a sway of your hips that you know had his eyes glued to your admittedly amazing ass.

It was, of course, an act, cause there you were two months and a retirement later, heart still aching every time you saw the unfortunately handsome man across your screen.

Apparently Roy Kent did, in fact, make mistakes. Maybe not on the pitch, but literally everywhere else. Going home to a bed that didn’t have you in it? A mistake. Not having you by his side through the most difficult decision of his life? A mistake. Watching as you laughed along with Jamie’s flirting across the bar? A horrible, terrible fucking mistake.

Roy Kent was an angry man, but my god did he think he was going to explode in that moment. He wouldn’t be surprised if steam was comically coming out of his ears. He could only be brought to tear his eyes from you at the sound of the seat beside him being pulled out, and an insufferable American accent ordering a whiskey from the bar tender.

“You know Roy— you’re about as subtle as a hot pink convertible driving through a south Georgia suburb.” Ted nodded, eyes following Roy’s to you standing beside a smirking Jamie. “You know you breaking up with her hurt more than my own divorce.”

“Fuck off.” Roy muttered, throwing back the rest of his own whiskey.

“I’m serious man. Y’all two love each other— and no amount of pretending like your don’t will change that. That right there,” he paused, pointing to you—“that is a mighty fine woman. One who loves you. You don’t let something like that slip away if you can help it. Take it from me.”

You couldn’t help but to laugh at Jamie’s jokes. It was a good distraction from being in the same room as Roy for the first time since you had dropped off your stuff. Still you could feel him watching you without even glancing in his direction, like he’d never left. You had to be begged by Keeley to even show face, your dear friend insisting that everyone missed you loads. You had a feeling that she was just testing her theory of the two of you not being able to stay away from each other once you took away the distance.

The back of your neck burned, the same way it would when he’d kiss it in passing. Your stomach, once filled with butterflies, was now heavy with lead. You knew Jamie was only speaking with you to piss Roy off. You didn’t care. Or maybe you did, and that’s why you let it keep going.

You watched with confusion as Jamie’s eyes grew wide peering over your shoulder, “I’ve got to run now love.” He muttered, his thick accent mixed with both of your alcohol intake leaving you in confusion.

You could feel that burning feeling getting worse, palms slicking with nervous sweat. You turned around to to met with a wide chest clad in all black, tipping your head back your eyes danced over a familiar bearded chin up to a set of dark eyes that set you on fire. The familiar, gruff man grabbed your wrist, taking your drink and throwing it back himself before dragging you out to the porch.

Your feet were moving faster than your brain, still struggling to process if this was that recurring dirty dream you kept having, or a much more frightening reality. The cold nipping at your bare arms answered that one quickly— you were always on a beach in that dream.

Before you know it Roy had your back against the railing of a porch, body warmed from where it was trapped against his own. He brought his head down against yours, eyes screwed shut like he was in physical pain. You brought your hands against his chest, fists closed tightly around the material of his overpriced black suit jacket. He smelled familiar, like the cologne you had gotten him for his birthday.

“I’m such a fucking prick.” He muttered against your hair, bringing his hand to cradle the back of your head.

“Damn right.” You responded through a teary laugh against the side of his neck. “Proper fucking idiot you are.”

He let out a gruff laugh, hands coming up to cradle your face— pulling you back gently so he could look at you. His eyes were soft, that special look that he saved just for you painted across his face. You loved him so much that it physically hurt. Even after he took a knife and stabbed you in the chest.

Right person wrong time didn’t exist, because even through everything, Roy never stopped being your right person.

“I will spend every last day of my fucking life making this up to you. If you’ll have me back.” He muttered, eyes scanning your face with such sincere regret you might’ve fallen over if he wasn’t holding you up.

Maybe it was stupid to take him back, but you hadn’t realized until that very moment that Roy Kent owned a very large piece of you. And standing there in his arms, you had finally gotten it back.

[onceuponaoneshotfanfic]

Absolutely LOVE your Roy Kent fic! Could you do a fic with Roy or Jamie where the reader is really self conscious about their body? Like they are worried they are too big to be with someone that’s a footballer. Thanks!!!

Dress You Up

Roy Kent x Reader

0.8k words

Warnings: Language, feeling self-conscious, flirting and allusions to smutty things

Oh my gosh, how did this get lost in my ask box?? I'm so sorry 😓 I hope it came out good ❤️

You stared at yourself in the mirror, turning this way and that, trying to find any angle that you didn’t hate. When you and Keeley had found this dress at Harrod’s, she’d gushed about how hot you looked in it, how Roy was going to lose his mind. And you’d believed her, deciding that the charity gala was worth the splurge, especially considering the credit card you were using was Roy’s, at his insistence.

But now, even with your hair and makeup done, you felt… ridiculous. Instead of seeing the goddess Keeley had insisted you were in the fitting room, all you could see was every extra kilo, every place where the dress clung to you, and not in the way you’d hoped.

Your mind wandered to the guest list Roy had mentioned during dinner last week. The whole team, of course. Lots of rich old men, ready to open their fat pocketbooks for Rebecca’s fundraiser. And models. Actresses. The kind of women Roy Kent usually went for.

With your brain swimming with images of women whose bodies looked photoshopped, women you’d seen Roy with in magazines before the two of you began seeing each other, you grabbed your mobile, losing every ounce of excitement you’d about this night. In no time at all, a growling voice answered.

“Hey, you almost ready?”

The lump in your throat growing, you closed your eyes. “Actually, I’m not feeling well.” Not a complete lie. “You, er, should go on your own, Roy.”

There was a long pause on his end. “Well, this is fucking awkward then.”

“What is?”

Your doorbell rang. “I’m on your fucking porch,” Roy chuckled. “Can I at least say hello? Haven’t seen you all day. Fuckin’ miss you.”

The tenderness in his voice softened your resolve. “Just a quick moment, alright?” Your heels clicked against the tile of your front hall as you walked to your front door. “Don’t want you to catch whatever I’ve come down with.”

Roy expected to see you in sweats or pyjamas, with your hair in a sloppy bun, face probably tired. What he absolutely was not expecting was you in a beautiful dress that hugged every single one of those curves he loved. His eyes took their sweet time trailing up your figure until they landed on your face.

“Fuuuuuuuuuuuuck,” he hissed, thick eyebrows raised.

You squeezed your eyes shut. “I know, I look-”

“Fucking hot,” he finished for you. “Like, if we don’t get in the car right now, that dress is going to be in the fucking shrubs.” He reached out and took your hand. “How the fuck are you not feeling well and looking like that? You got some flu that makes you sexy as hell?”

Heat flooded every inch of your skin. “You think I look… good?”

Roy’s eyebrows scrunched, as if your question was the most ridiculous thing he’d ever heard. “Fucking course I do. Might have to leave the gala early so I can come back and make you feel better.” He tugged you close to himself. “Unless you’re coming with me. In which case, I know some dark corners at the venue where we could get into some trouble.”

Unable to help yourself, you brought your hands up to fiddle with the lapels of his suit jacket. “You sure you wouldn’t be embarrassed to be seen with me?”

Another ridiculous question, according to Roy’s facial expression. “Why the fuck would I ever be embarrassed to be seen with you? If anything, I’m scared Jamie Tartt’ll try to steal you from me.”

“I mean…” You shifted awkwardly in Roy’s arms. “There’s lots of models and shit there, right? Gorgeous, skinny women-”

“Women I’m not interested in,” Roy cut you off. “Women I wouldn’t give a second glance to. Especially with you in the fucking room.” He kissed your forehead tenderly. “Won’t be able to keep my eyes off of you. And my fucking hands will be just as dangerous.”

You nudged Roy’s nose with yours, the knots in your tummy starting to unravel. “You sure?”

He let out a soft chuckle before pressing his lips to yours briefly. “Very fucking sure. Now come on, put me out of my fucking misery. Say you’re coming to the ball with me.”

In his eyes you could see so much adoration, love, tenderness, and more than a little lust. It was enough to make you stand up straight and tighten your grip on him.

“You know some dark corners huh?” you teased.

A smile broke out across his bearded face. “Plenty,” he assured you, his hands wandering a bit. “I’d love to show ‘em to you.”

“Fine,” you conceded. “Come in while I grab my purse?”

To your surprise, Roy shook his head. “If I come in there, we are not making it to the gala on time. We’d probably barely make it to your bedroom.”

A wicked smile spread across your face as you tugged his tie, pulling him inside with you. “We can be a bit late, can’t we?”

“If you insist.”

[antitheticallyargumentative]

pt 2 to (not) long awaited Ted Lasso characters and Taylor Swift songs: @asteria-argo

Jamie and Roy could both be Back to December re: their relationships with Keeley. 

I miss your tan skin, your sweet smile/So good to me, so right/And how you held me in your arms that September night/The first time you ever saw me cry/Maybe this is wishful thinkin’/Probably mindless dreamin’/But if we loved again, I swear I'd love you right And So this is me swallowin' my pride/Standin' in front of you sayin' I'm sorry for that night/And I go back to December all the time/It turns out freedom ain't nothin' but missin' you/Wishin' I'd realized what I had when you were mine/I’d go back to December, turn around and change my own mind/I go back to December all the time

Roy is. These exact lines from Nothing New that aren’t just about being a young female star- Lord, what will become of me/ Once I've lost my novelty? And Are we only biding time 'til I lose your attention?/And someone else lights up the room? And I've had too much to drink tonight/But I wonder if they'll miss me once they drive me out/I wake up in the middle of the night/And I can feel time moving/How can a person know everything at 18 but nothing at 22? Specific age disregarded lol. 

And The Lucky One- Now it's big black cars and Riviera views/And your lover in the foyer doesn't even know you/And your secrets end up splashed on the news front page/And they tell you that you're lucky, but you're so confused/'Cause you don't feel pretty, you just feel used/And all the young things line up to take your place/Another name goes up in lights.You wonder if you'll make it out alive. The vibe fits. I'm going off the vibes here.

Jamie’s character arc… the You’re On Your Own, Kid bridge, specifically. Not like. Every line, but. Most Of Them. From sprinkler splashes to fireplace ashes/I gave my blood, sweat, and tears for this/I hosted parties and starved my body/Like I'd be saved by a perfect kiss/The jokes weren't funny, I took the money/My friends from home don't know what to say/I looked around in a blood-soaked gown/And I saw something they can't take away/‘Cause there were pages turned with the bridges burned/Everything you lose is a step you take/So make the friendship bracelets/Take the moment and taste it/You've got no reason to be afraid. 

Also re: season 1- season 2 Jamie fits Castles Crumbling- I was held up so high, I used to be great/They used to cheer when they saw my face/Now, I fear I have fallen from grace/And I feel like my castle's crumbling down/And I watch all my bridges burn to the ground/And you don't want to know me/I will just let you down/You don't wanna know me now And Now they're screaming at the palace front gates, used to chant my name/Now they're screaming that they hate me/Never wanted you to hate me

And Innocent for the redemption arc again- It's alright, just wait and see/Your string of lights is still bright to me/Oh, who you are is not where you've been/You're still an innocent/It's okay, life is a tough crowd/32 and still growin' up now/Who you are is not what you did/You're still an innocent

There is definitely more. But that's all I can think of right now. Thank you again for allowing me to go berserk for a minute.

part one

[tartt9]

4, 18, 28 💕

a peek into... jamie's car glovebox

jamie doesn't actively open his car glovebox that often. there are situations where the need arrives, though. in there, he's got his aston martin's owner's manual (just in case - he's never actually read the thing), some condoms, a travel-sized bottle of lube, a roll of pound coins (for when he goes to visit roy when phoebe's around), and a swiss army knife that he doesn't really know how to use, but he's got just in case of emergencies, because some voice in his head told him there'd be an emergency that he needed a swiss army knife for when he first bought the car.

a peak into... jamie's "secret" hiding spot

it's under his bed. his secret hiding spot is under his bed, because jamie is incredibly imaginative on the pitch, and incredibly unimaginative when it comes to finding places to hide things. it's where he keeps christmas gifts, birthday gifts, any sort of little surprises that he has for people that he got just to show them that he loves them. he's got lingerie for keeley there, he kept roy's kunt shirt under there, mexican chocolates for dani, a bottle of liquor for isaac, a denver broncos cap for colin (because it made jamie giggle). it's all just assorted things for the people he loves.

a peek into... jamie's five most recent sent text messages

• GREYHOUNDS 22-23 LETS GO BABY CHAMPIONS LEAGUE 🐶 🏆🏆🏆🐶: Good morning my sweet angels I hope you lot are all enjoying your holidays. Important matter of discussion this morning (English time) (sorry Dani and Zoreaux you're probably still asleep): the new gaffer. Who do we think it's going to be? 😇🐶💙❤️💛 • Paddy O'Gara 💙🇮🇪🍀: I know you said you're done but. Consider. You coming back to England to assistant coach for the Greyhounds. Don't fucking start on the City til I die bullshit. Richmond could use a defence-minded man on staff. This ain't a formal job offer I can't give those out but. Think about it and I'd vouch for you to Welton. You'd love our centre backs. Especially Isaac. And admit it old man you miss me. Also 😂😂😂 United didn't even get close to even sniffing the Champions League next season 😂😂😂. • Tommy boy 💼🍯: Come down to London. Come down to London. Come down to London. Come down to London. I will not shut up until you come down to London. You've got to be on a break from your posh little smart boy law school shit. Come down to London. Honeyyyy come down. I miss you. • Roy Kunt 🏆🤬🖕: Oi. If you fucking leave us during this off season I'm going to get so much fucking pleasure in beating whichever team you choose to go to into the dirt both times we meet this season. I don't give a fuck if Chelsea offers you their fucking gaffer position. You don't fucking leave this team. Also cause bets are happening on who our new gaffer is. Don't let me down, Royo. • 14 😜: Good morning sweet angel man I absolutely didn't start the conversation that led to your phone being blown up at probably 3 AM maybe earlier. What time is it for you? I was being good actually and not starting text fights in the group chat. 😘😘😘

[ from here ! ]

[damelucyjo]

Okay. I think I’ve calmed down enough. I’ve done the ironing listening to Films To Be Buried with. I’m in a better mood. So let’s give this rewatch a go so I can pretend most of it never happened!

Episode 12 - So Long, Farewell

I will say, one thing I love (as a Brit that has to be involved in football in some way) is that this show got so many ‘real’ football people involved. It’s a shame it was all men though…

Ooo Rebecca, looking for as always 😏 that robe is a gorgeous colour

Is that headline indicating Bex kicked Rupert out?? Good on ya, girl! 💪🏼

Exactly. Shut up Thierry

‘Morning, Rebecca’ ‘Morning, Ted’ WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS TO US 😫😫

Heavily implying they slept together. Why else would they be so awkward around each other?? 🤔

The fake out was cruel, but the introduction of Beard is brilliant

And what the actual fuck are you wearing Brendan?! 😂 To be that comfortable around your boss 😂

Okay but now I really want to see what the night before was like. Also why are Beard & Jane at Rebecca’s? Why not go to Jane’s?? 🤔

Also was there really an emergency? Or does Beard know there could be something between Ted & Rebecca and needed them to spend real time outside of work together??? If so you’re a genius, my friend!

Yes, Rebecca. Don’t talk about it. That way it’s not happening 👍🏼

GET YOUR BARE ARSE OFF HER COUNTER!! 😂 it’s kinda like a car crash; you know you shouldn’t look but you can’t look away either 😂

Poor Mina 😂 Rebecca, I hope you pay her a ridiculous amount of money

‘Those ropes are not garbage. Some of it’s dirty on purpose’ they sure are an interesting couple 😂

God Hannah’s pretty. And Jason looks very cute ���

YYEEAAAHHHH!

I absolutely love how over the top all these boys are with things

He’s the assistant kit man 🥺 I actually love that. Not so much that this is the first times it’s mentioned though…

‘I was just the only one that was snoring’ 😜 Jamie putting extra money in the box, how far you’ve come 🥰

Okay the tears have started again. I’m gonna miss these boys so much!! 🥹🥹🥹

I wish they had shown Keeley scaring Roy. That’d’ve been hilarious

‘… stuff’ 😂😂😂

She shredded his passport 👀

‘I won’t take it out, but I’m happy to tell you you’re wrong’ love the confidence, Trent 👌🏼

It’s a real shame it’s taken until the last episode to see Keeley doing press for the club again 🙁 I’ve missed the scenes between these three

‘Juicer, the better. Safe save’ he’s such a gossip 😂

Exactly. Fuck Rupert. Why waste breath on him

She truly is living in denial! She’s finding it very hard and everyone knows 🥺 Poor Rebecca

WE’RE NEVER GOING TO GET TO SEE THEM ALL BEING SILLY TOGETHER AGAIN 😫

The shock on their faces! 😮

Final spit take & ‘fuck me’ call back 🫡

Nobody is handling them leaving well 🫠

This is incredibly cute though 🥹 their little smiles

ROY MOUTHING ALONG!! My heart 🥰🥰

Everyone in the stands joining in on the final goodbye 🥲 I’m fully crying

Oop a ‘perfect’ call… forward? Foreshadowing?? 🤔

So who told everyone ‘Now react as if we’ve just won the whole fucking thing’ 😂

‘Love those boots’ cause we need to stereotypically remind everyone Trent is gay 🫣

Just call back after call back in this episode 🫡

They’re friends now 🥹 my little heart

‘I really am exceptional’ yes you are, Deborah!

Rebecca, even your mum knows it’s more than a big deal to you that Ted is leaving. So much so that he’s equating it to him dying…

She just wants her daughter to be happy 🥲🥺 am I crying again? Have I even stopped??

See, I love their relationship now! Another thing we’ve not gotten to see much of 😢

Deborah & Mae bestie era WE NEVER GOT TO FUCKING SEE. I’m gonna flip a table 🫠

These three have been amazing to watch too. They so easily could have been throw away characters, but they’re not. They’re wonderful

But she ain’t your mother, boys 😂

Oh she did not like being called their grandmother 😂😂 Harriet, nicely done

So we’ve been cheated out of seeing Dame Harriet Walter skateboard. Rude.

The outrage!! 😂

He’s proud of him 🥹 here comes the tears again

Mentioning the video was a low blow, Jamie

‘If you go, I go’ 🥺🥹🫡

She truly thought about what they could do to get him to stay. Told him if he goes, she goes. That if she sells 49% of the club she could pay him a lot more, but nowhere near what he’s worth… fully outright asks him to please stay… and he gives her nothing. Certainly was a choice, Jason 🙄

Hannah is giving a masterclass in this scene, though

And he couldn’t even tell her she shouldn’t sell?? Wtf is up with that??

‘More like Drink, Sleep, Fuck’ 😂 I wanna watch that show!

Of course they beat the shit out of each other over Keeley. Good on you girl for sending them both packing!! 💪🏼 at least they know they’re idiots 😂

I actually love this scene between Nate & Ted. It felt like a great ending to their story. He’s getting to see Ted’s forgiveness first hand. Beautiful.

Oh, look! The rom-com couple 👀

A call back to the tickets under country women 🫡 My Wynonna Judd loving heart is soaring at this mention! A lovely nod to her for her contribution to Thundergong. Also this episode (if it hadn’t been pushed back 3 hours) would have been released on her birthday! 🥳

And I am happy to see whatshisface back too… genuinely can’t remember the characters name… JOHN! 🫣😂 also he’s not a Richmond fan. Why is he there??

Shut up, Jake

SHARON!!!!!!!!!!! 🥰

Yes, Ted, it doesn’t make sense. But we don’t question it!

‘You’re stuck with us, buddy’ but not really, cause you’re leaving. Arsehole.

‘Can I be a diamond dog’ 🥺 boys, he really needs help 🥺 and he’s actually asking for it for once 🥹 well done, Roy

I’d have liked just one scene of the guys in the changing rooms reaction to that lot barking 😂

You’re still you because you don’t need to change, Roy. You don’t need to be someone better. You just need to learn to speak up more. Talk about things with others. That’s it, babes!

Okay, now that shimmy was also kinda perfect 😂

Of course he got George to be his new coach.

Okay, question (if you read this); why now all the negative press against Rupert when it’s nearly the same as when he broke up with Rebecca?? Is the fact that the affair came out as sexual misconduct instead the only real difference? Why such a shock when he’s been in the press for the same thing before?? Another thing that doesn’t make sense to me 🤷🏻‍♀️

Tony showing wonderfully that being Rupert in public is him ‘playing a part’. God, I love this man

Good on you, Rebecca, for showing him he really doesn’t get to you anymore. I’m so proud of you!

And Ellie Taylor 🫡 I do not like Sassy, but you’re amazing, babes!

I completely missed Barbara holding up her hand for a high five and Rebecca just waving at her the first time I watched this!! 😂😂😂

She’s into violence, and I think that’s perfect. Barbara is possibly the only addition to this season that they got spot on. I love her!! How of that is down to Katy though, I don’t know…

😂 Mary’s reaction

Why bring up Zava again? This really wasn’t needed 🫢

‘Zorro’ was too easy 😂

As an ex Irish dancer of nearly 29 years I’m going to take that Michael Flatley mention purely for me. Sorry guys ✌🏼😜😂

Yes, this video made me as much of a mess as it made the 😫😫😫 oh, shirt indeed

SHUT UP, JAKE!

Another nice callback to Nate knowing what the notifications means 🫡

Nice goal, Chip 😉😂

‘Shut your butts and sit your mouths down’ made me chuckle both times I’ve seen this now 😂

Another tear inducing speech 🥲 I’m gonna miss you too, Ted

I know it’s to make a point, but how did he forget the sign wasn’t there?? You just had a conversation about it, man. Are you really that for gone?? 🫣

It had to be either Sam or Jamie to start off the Believe sign pieces 🫡

And they were all in the most perfect of places! Behind Sam’s inspiration, in Jamie’s book, Issac’s armband, Colin’s shinguard 🥹🥹

Another sweet moment between Nate & Ted

So is number 4 that their belief can be broken, but together they can put it back together again?? If so it’s brilliant! (I can’t remember what 1, 2 & 3 were 😂)

‘I know folks like to say ‘There’s no place like home.’ That’s true. Man, there ain’t a whole lot of places like AFC Richmond either’ SO DON’T LEAVE THEN, TED!! 🫠

Miss after Miss after miss 😂 this game would go fine in history if it were real! 😂

Sharon is me throughout this match 😂

Ooo Rupert is falling apart 🫢😏

Allowing Issac to take the penalty, showing they all know it’s just a game. Like Colin said ‘it’ll be fun’ 🥹

SHUT. UP. JAKE! 😂

He broke the fucking net!! 😂😂 nice one, Issac!!

Oh he’s really mad!! And Rebecca is confused… why is she paying him any attention, honestly!

Sharon really is me watching football 😂

Hitting John in the face - brilliant. But as I said before, since when has he been a Richmond fan?! Am I forgetting something?? 🤔

Fucking Barbara absolutely loving it 😂😂😂

Here he comes, Emperor Palpatine 🫣 and he is not happy!

Another callback!! Someone get this man some longer shorts! 😂

Dude… to fall apart like that in front of that many people 🫠

I’ve already written about this, but Rupert walking off the pitch breaks my heart. Tony made Rupert so human 😢

Ted just now knowing the offside rule enough to pick up on it when both Beard & Roy don’t?? YOU SHOULD NOT BE LEAVING, TED!! How many more times do I have to tell you?? 🙄

And an offside payout callback 🫡

Had to bring it full circle by asking Nate for his opinion and using his play 🫡

A hilarious call back for Jamie too!! 😂 bet Phil had fun with that

And the quiet mention of Barbecue Sauce 🥹🫡

Of course they won right at the last moment

Sharon! 😂 glad we got to see something more from Sarah! We’ve never seen Sharon this animated!!

And a jump into the arms! 🥲🫡 As a solid lover of the callbacks I’m incredibly great full for the amount we’ve had this episode

Have the fans storm the pitch but don’t use it as an excuse to get Rebecca down there? Huge wasted opportunity!!

Colin kissed his boyfriend!! 🥹🥰

And he did his celebration dance from the pilot 🥹🫡 we love to see it

Oh she’s so emotional 🥰

Had to pause of this Sun cover - Rupert’s out, Kakes is going on Lust Conquers All and Bex got a book deal 👍🏼 nice one, ladies!

Of course he had to grab a copy of the paper that had her photo on it 😏

Then we get a Zava returns, Shandy’s doing great, and a Marcus Rashford Beano 🥹 the work that goes into this show is incredible!

And a rule of 3 with the ussie kid! 🫡 but did he forget he’s met him before or??

‘Wicked’ ‘Kinky Boots’ 🥺 I’m gonna miss these

So was she not going to make a fuss if he hadn’t happened to have seen her?? And why have her turn around right as he notices her?? Why do they do these things?! 😫

She’s sticking around because you told her without words you don’t want her to go with you, mate. She didn’t want to talk about it before, but apparently neither did you!

Not the ‘club matriarch’ 🤢

Like… I really am confused. There’s so much Jason & Hannah put into their performances that speak volumes, and yet the words they speak contradict it all. What I get from this ‘thank you’ moment is that both of them have so much they want to say but won’t. Or can’t. Kills me

And those tears are purely Hannah. You can’t tell me otherwise 🥺

MAYBE I AM STILL ANGRY ABOUT THINGS! How can you have a woman in front of you, holding back tears as fiercely as she is, and not say anything. If you’re so confident you’re making the right decision why aren’t you trying to reassure her. Comfort her. I-

Good God Hannah is so pretty when she cries 🫠

He’s on the plane asking his best friend if it really was the best decision to leave. Showing he’s really not sure if he’s making the right choice. Beard got off the plane, Ted (award worthy performance I might add) and so could you.

A great fake out would have been if it seemed like he was leaving, but didn’t. Cut to him in the airport watching the plane take off. Or he arrives in Kansas but tells Henry he can’t stay. Yes, I’m bitter. Leave me alone.

How long was she in that airport for her to be completely fine now??

Baby Rebecca!!

And Boat Man! Who I will admit looks great in that pilot uniform 😏 Well done, Rebecca 😂

He gets her name but we don’t get his? Rude.

Omg she gifted them snow gloves! The Barbara effect!! 🥰

KBPR… Keeley Barbara Public Relations?? I like it!

Roy as the new manager, as he should 🫡

Aww, the little photo and sign from Phoebe 🥰

Sam on the Nigerian team is a little wtf. Did Edwin change his mind about Sam? Did the breakdown of the Super League make him wash his hands with football completely?? THESE ARE THE THINGS I NEED ANSWERS TO!! 👀

Aww, Jamie & his dad 🥰

Everyone at the Higgins’ for a BBQ 👀

Dutch man’s daughter and Phoebe playing together is cute, though

The boys having one share in the club 🥰

Mae having a whole stack 😂

Hey, it’s Shannon! Nice callback to have her be the one to show at Trent’s signing 🫡

‘The Richmond Way’ 🥰 ‘A very brief forward by Roy Kent’ 😂

AFC Richmond Woman’s Team 👀 This is the spin-off!! it’s not a want, it’s a need!!

And Sharon’s back at the club?? SINCE WHEN?! I just-

But Roy getting help from the Head of Mental Health & Emotional Well-Being. Well done, Roy. 🫡

I’m also incredibly happy Beard is still with the club, too 🥰

Nate on Roy’s shoulders 😂 made me chuckle

The fixed sign 🥹

COULD HAVE ENDED THE SHOW THERE!! Just saying

But no, had to show Beard marrying his abusive, pregnant girlfriend 🙄 I really hope for his sake they just didn’t show that she’s really calmed down and we just didn’t see it. LIKE SO MUCH ELSE! 🫢

WHY WASN’T TED AT HIS BEST FRIENDS WEDDING?!?! 📢📢📢

Everyone with their partners 🥹 or both partners in Dani’s case 😂

And how wonderful to see the couple who helped Beard on his crazy night out with their baby 🥰 I actually love that he apparently kept in touch with them 🥰

But Ted’s asleep on the plane… 👀 Ted doesn’t sleep on planes… was that montage all his dream?? SO MANY UNANSWERED FUCKING QUESTIONS!!!

Henry & Michelle didn’t go get him from the airport?? Thought his son was desperate to have his dad back??

So are they implying he’s back in his unhappy life he left?? Okay…

He basically became one of the biggest names within English Football for what he did, and now he’s just coaching his son’s soccer team?? Like…🤷🏻‍♀️ more questions for my list…

That did not seem like. Happy guy at the end… 🫤

Okay, apparently Dutch man is called Matthijs and his daughter is called Jelka. Good to know! Would have been nice if it wasn’t left to the credits to teach me that… 🫣

Woah. Okay. I honestly don’t know that I’ll ever be able to watch that episode again in it’s entirety. There were many things I loved about it, but also things that I didn’t. And whilst I felt the same about many other episodes, I did expect more for the season finale. Why did him leaving seem to everyone like they were never going to talk again?? Did they all agree to never stay in contact??

But I do know that it didn’t ruin the show as a whole for me 👍🏼 I’ll just stay living in my delusional TedBecca fantasy land they built for me 😉

[fantasy2739]

Jamie Prompt: something to do with his dad and the team? Like they are all protective of him ?

So a post 2x08 is what I’ve gone for cause that scene hurt me.

Enjoy!

He thinks (he’s an idiot) that after getting thrown out by Coach Beard Jamie won’t see his old man for a while. He thinks he’ll just go away for a bit, lick his wounds and then come back in a bit. Maybe compliment him a little with the worlds shitest, most backhanded compliments. Try and weasel his way back in. He does not think, he never would have even guessed, that he would be stupid enough to turn up to Richmond’s next match. Or at least turn up after the match, because he’s been barred from the grounds. Jamie thanks Miss Welton for that mentally a million times. He’ll ask Keeley later what she likes because all he’d said was ‘I don’t want him here’ and Miss Welton had sorted it like that. Hadn’t asked for any details, although she may have heard about some of it, just said ‘of course’ and moved on. He should definitely send her a gift or something because the idea of playing with his old man in the crowd actually fills him with such dread he almost feels sick.

Instead, the dick is in the car park. On reflection maybe Jamie should have known he would come. Because he’s a dick. And he does whatever a dick would do. Which is stalk Jamie apparently. And Jamie does not want to deal with it. He can’t go through another breakdown in front of the team. And he can’t ask someone else to go deal with him, it’s his old man for Christ’s sake. He doesn’t know why he’s bothering with all this tough man bullshit, like the team would think any less of him.

Deep down he knows it’s because there’s still that fear. Still that haunting, gut-wrenching, all consuming fear that lives in him. The little boy who was terrified of his dads footsteps. Of the insults, fists, and rage. Of the man he’d stood up to occasionally, fleetingly, only to get it back so much worse. Not last time though. Last time he’d stood up and people had stood behind him. Not that it has stopped him being scared shitless. The feeling of horror right after he hit him, watching him start to get back up, and knowing, just knowing, it wasn’t going to end well. He’d half thought Roy was going to hit him too, not consciously. But Jamie, well, he hadn’t exactly been in the best state of mind to not perceive anything as not dangerous.

He knows that if he asked, said anything, his team would be right there. He just doesn’t want to. So he shoves his phone away, hiding the text from his old man and changes. They won this time so he probably won’t get too much stick. And he scored the winning goal. It’ll be fine, he tells himself.

So why does he feel like he’s walking into a lions den.

It goes to shit immediately. He’s barely ten feet out the door when his old man appears.

“There he is.” James says, Jamie hates the way his hands drop limply to his sides and his whole body tenses. He feels his jaw clench and unclench repeatedly. “Nice to see you playing properly eh? Against an amateur team but still. Managed to score eh?” He’s way to close and Jamie can’t look at him. He’s staring out into space like it will keep him safe. Like every word James says to him isn’t reverberating deep in his mind. He’s not quite sure what he’s done wrong when James grabs him by the jaw.

“Look at me.” James snaps at him. He’s shoved hard just as Isaac walks out. Fuck.

“What the fuck you doing bruv?” Isaac asks, physically stepping between Jamie and James. James moves forward but Isaac is a blockade. He shoves James back.

“Can’t talk to me yourself eh Jamie?” James taunts. “Fucking pussy.” Jamie’s hand curls into a fist.

“No.” Jamie grounds out. He rests a hand on Isaac’s shoulder. “I got this.” Because he is not having a breakdown in front of his teammates ever again.

“You sure bruv?” Isaac asks, arms crossing. He doesn’t move though. Okay so Jamie is just going to have to tell James to piss off in front of Isaac. He can do that.

He fucking can’t.

He’s breathing a little harder and he still can’t look James in the eyes. He’s starting to sweat a little and his legs feel like jelly. So of course while he’s trying to get his tongue to work and James continues to mock him, more people are coming out. Colin stops pretty much as soon as he’s out the door, causing Dani to bump into him and Bumbercatch to bump into Dani.

“What’s he doing here?” Colin asks, there’s an undercurrent of anger in his voice. Even Dani has lost his perpetual smile. More and more of the team is crowding nearby. Roy comes out after nudging Jan out the way.

“Why the fuck are you.” Roy stops and stares at James Tartt. “The fuck are you doing here? You’re not allowed on the fucking grounds.” Jamie actually feels relief at the sight of Roy. “Newsflash fuckwit, the car park is part of the grounds.” Oh shit, yeah. Yeah it is.

“Am I not allowed to visit my own son anymore?” James asks, all mock pouting. “Why don’t we ask Jamie?” And Jamie freezes because he should say no. He can’t keep letting him in.

“No.” Jamie says quietly. His hand is still on Isaac’s shoulder. James tries to step closer, but there’s Zoreaux, standing right next to Isaac, not letting him anywhere near Jamie.

“Couldn’t hear that.” James says flicking at his ear.

“No.” Jamie repeats louder. He can see Roy nodding in the corner of his eye. He’s not a fan of the way James’ face twists. Or the way his eyes narrow slightly. It’s the small things, the little dangers signs that Jamie has learnt well.

“Well it’s not like I enjoy watching my son play for an amateur club.” James starts and Jamie listens to about half of it before the words slip out of his mouth.

“Just piss off!” He snaps. Instantly he wishes he could shove them back in his mouth because all he’s done is made it worse. Maybe his brain fried. Maybe he was possessed by prick Jamie. Or maybe Roy took over his brain with transparence or something. Either way he knows what’s coming. As soon as he thinks it, that fist is flying towards him and Jamie flinches.

It never makes contact. Roy is hauling him away while Isaac puts his body between Jamie and James again. Shoving the man back before he can do any more damage. Zoreaux and Richárd are snapping in rapid French and Dani is yelling in Spanish. Colin is surging up next to Isaac and telling James to piss off. Bumbercatch looks about ready to launch himself at James and Jan is calling him a terrible excuse for a human. Jamie can understand maybe half the words being spoken but the tone definitely sounds angry. He’s pretty sure that Sam just swore (but it’s Sam so he maybe just called him a piece of shit). Jamie doesn’t get to see exactly what happens because Roy has dragged him inside. Jamie presses himself against the wall and shoves his hands in his pocket because he’s not doing this again. He can still hear them yelling at James outside. He should probably stop them, before they beat him to a pulp or something.

“You alright?” Roy asks. Jamie nods. He breathes a few times and Roy gently pats his shoulder.

“Sorry ‘bout him.” Jamie says because what else is he meant to do.

“Don’t apologise.” Roy says firmly but gently. “He’s a dick. The biggest dick to ever be a dick.” Jamie gives him a half smile. “You don’t have to face him alone.”

“He’s my dad.” Jamie insists. That’s the whole point. It’s his dad. His problem.

“Fuck.” Roy grumbles and Jamie feels like it’s not directed at him. “Jamie, he’s a dick. You shouldn’t have to fucking see him. Get it through that prick head of yours. We’re here to help you.” Jamie opens his mouth to argue, about what he doesn’t know. “We’re here for you.” Jamie’s jaw slams shut and he nods. Roy nods back. And Jamie finally relaxes.

[writingformadderton]

The Book of You and I - Part 12

Ship: Madderton

Word Count: 2591

Summary: Rocketman, a proposal, the Golden Globes and a wedding. We reached the end ;)

Additional Tags: fluff, proposal, slow dancing, Niall Horan, Rocketman, wedding

Dedicated to @taron-eggmcmuffin❤️ 

Part 11  Part 1

---

A few months late, the premiere of Rocketman in Cannes took place.  It’s still unreal to Taron that they got a four minute standing ovation for it. He got to sing Rocketman with Elton at the beach and the whole evening happened in a blur.

It's November 2019 now and his birthday is getting close. This year was wild and full of adventures. He feels Richard wrapping his arms around him from behind and smiles softly when he presses a kiss onto his temple.

"Everything alright?" Rich asks and rests his head on his shoulder admiring the sight Taron has from their balcony. The sun was going down over London and the sky was covered in a beautiful soft red.

"Yeah, I was just thinking about this crazy year," he admits and leans his head against Richard’s.

"It really has been crazy," Rich admits, giggling. "You're the actor of the year."

Taron grins when he hears the proud in Richard’s voice. "Mm and my boyfriend is the most stylish man this year," he says just as proud making Richard smirk. He jumps up and pulls Richard onto his chair, sitting down on his lap, "I didn't imagine my life would take such a beautiful turn after the accident."

Richard watches him lovingly and nods. "Everything happens for a reason," he says and wraps his arms around his boyfriend, "And I'm glad you're my reason for that shit that happened."

"Well I'm glad you're my reason too," Taron says and starts playing with Richard’s curls. "I would be very lonely without you."

"Me too, bub."

-

Taron stands there with a smile as his friends sing Happy Birthday to him. They are at Elton's place and Rich and Elton invited some friends and family. Jamie, Bryce, Dex and Bernie. Keeley, Sophie and Joe. Richard’s and Taron’s parents and little sisters. Niall Horan, who became a great mate of Taron and Richard after a night out and a surprising meeting in a bar is also here.

"Make a wish!" Niall cheers as he leans down to blow out the candle and Taron closes his eyes shortly before blowing out the candles.

Richard wraps him into a hug and kisses him lovingly. "What did you wish for?" he whispers.

"I'll tell you when it happens," he whispers back and smiles at him adoringly.

 -

A bit later, Taron sits on Richard’s lap, enjoying the company of his friends and family. Suddenly someone asks Niall and Elton to play some songs and all get up to dance. Rich tries to pull him up, "Come on let's dance."

"Why should I dance now?" he laughs and watches his boyfriend adoringly.

"You loved to do it," he says and smirks at him.

Taron starts to get nervous and plays with his hands, "I-I'm not sure if I'm still able to-."

"Trust me. I'll guide you," Richard says and Taron’s face softens as he gets up.

"Fine," Taron sighs and follows Richard onto the dance floor.

Niall starts singing the song that Rich suggested he could play. Taron used to love that song. "When you feel your love's been taken, when you know there's something missing," he starts his song Flicker.

Taron looks up at Richard and listens closely to the lyrics. "When you feel there's something missing. Sounds familiar," he jokes and Rich smirks.

I'm afraid that what we had is gone.

Richard thinks back to when Taron couldn't remember him that day in the hospital and swallows. Everything they had was gone, but it came back so much stronger.

They continue dancing both listing to lyrics and taking them in differently than they did before the accident.

When you lay there and you're sleeping

Hear the patterns of your breathing

And I tell you things you've never heard before

"You did that a lot. Telling me things I've never heard before," T giggles and Richard chuckles.

"True."

Then I look in my heart

There's a light in the dark

Still a flicker of hope that you first gave to me

That I wanna keep

Please don’t leave

When Richard meets Taron’s eyes again, they are filled with tears. "Why are you crying now?" he asks confused and carefully strokes over his cheek continuing to dance.

"I'll tell you later." he says and smiles up to him happily. He buries his face in his shoulder and breathes in Richards cologne. When the song ends all of their friends stop dancing and look at them.

"What's going on?" Rich asks laughing and Taron takes a step back.

Niall sits down on the edge of the stage and grins at his mates and Elton watches them from the piano stool. "Okay, here we go," Taron says and smiles at Richard. "I won't talk much because then I'll probably start crying, but there are a few things I wanna tell you," he says and Richard nods slowly not knowing what to expect, "When I met you, I didn't know about our past and we had a rough start because of that. But you gave me a choice and the chance to get to know you all over again. You took the time to get to know me all over again. And I don't think that anybody else would have done that." Taron shrugs his shoulders. "I changed. I don't have to remember the past to know that. But somehow you stayed," he smiles softly, "You're my flicker of hope, you've always been. I don't ever want to be parted from you as we were all this time ago," he kneels down and opens a little box with a ring. "I know this is pretty fast but when did we ever do something as it should be? Do you want to marry me, Richie?" he asks and sees his beautiful deep blue eyes fill with tears.

"Yes," Richard nods and his hands are trembling when Taron puts on the ring. They fall into a tight hug while the rest cheers and cry into each other's shoulder.

 -

A bit later, they are standing outside on Elton’s balcony where Taron was honest about his feelings for the first time and enjoy the little time of silence. Richard looks at Taron curiously and turns towards him, leaning against the balustrade. “So what did you want to tell me after the dance?”

“I just realized you were my flicker of hope in all of this shit and I guess that made me a bit emotional.” Taron admits and blushes softly. “And my birthday wish turned true when you said yes.”

Rich looks at him speechless for a moment before he pulls him close and connects their lips to a loving kiss. “You are the cutest person I know,” he admits and smiles at him.

“Well, I hope so,” Taron giggles softly.

 -

Only three months later they are back at the Golden Globes, Taron being nominated with his performance in Rocketman. He’s sitting next to Elton and even though he hides it really well, he feels a bit anxious about Richard not being with them. Richard had been away shooting in Spain and wasn’t able to make it in time, his flight back only attended ten minutes ago and he didn’t want to suddenly walk inside this room full of people.

When his name gets called Elton and David start cheering loudly next to him and Taron smiles shyly not believing his ears. He gets up nervously, hugging Lucy and Rami, who are at the same table and walks towards the stairs.

On stage, he quickly hugs Chris and Scarlett who give him his globe and takes a deep breath. He thanks everyone included on the movie, Elton, David, Dex and hopes he didn’t forget someone. Then he takes another deep breath and smiles, “And I wanna thank my fiancé Richard, who just came back home from shooting in Spain half an hour ago. I am eternally grateful for everything you did, and I’ll see you later,” he says and gets distracted by the audience starting to clap and cheer. Taron looks to his side a bit startled when he sees Scarlett stepping out of his vision. His eyes widen when he sees his fiancé standing there with a bright smile and nothing than pure adoration and proud in his eyes.

Richard chuckles feeling Taron falling into his arms and wraps his arms tightly around him. “I’m so proud of you.” he says and T pulls back beaming. Richard kisses him lovingly before letting him get his golden globe, stammering another thank you and coming back grabbing his hand. Rich leads them down from the stage and out of the room. As soon as they closed the door behind them, they are standing in the empty hallway and Richard cups his face with both hands kissing him hungrily.

Taron moans into the kiss and kisses him back passionately. “Oh fuck I missed you so much!” he admits and Richard nods agreeing. It’s been the first time that they were parted longer than a week, at least for Taron.

“I missed you too, bubs. But now I’m here,” Rich smiles at him and hugs him tightly burying his face in his neck.

Taron fondles over his curls lovingly and smirks, “You’re tired from your flight?”

“Yeah. And I really wanna get out of this suit,” Richard groans and smirks up to him. “I can’t wait to fall asleep next to you tonight,” he says and bops Taron’s nose with his own.

“We’ll try to get out of here as soon as we can, I promise,” Taron says smiling and grabs his hands. “You’re gonna come with me so they can engrave my name on it?” he asks and Richard agrees immediately.

A little while later, Jamie is joining the table of all their friends and winks at T. “Seems like you have to pay for dinner,” He grins and pulls him into a strong hug. “Congratulations, mate. You deserve it!”

“Thank you,” Taron answers smiling and hugs him back. “Yeah, seems like I have to pay,” he giggles.

 -

Richard nearly fell asleep in Taron’s arms during the talks with their friends and is incredibly tired already. When they finally leave, it’s already 2am and Richard rubs his face tiredly, yawning. He pats himself hard on his cheeks, trying to wake up enough to drive and T glances at him.

“You’re sure you wanna drive?” Taron asks worried and watches him closely. Richard looked terribly tired and exhausted.

“Yeah, I’ll be okay,” he says and yawns again, opening the car door.

“Richie, you’re exhausted,” T tries softly.

“Well, who should drive then, huh?” he asks confused and wants to get in.

“I-I could try,” Taron says barely audible. This was so stupid.

“Taron, love,” Richard starts softly, “It’s dark and already late. You barely drove short ways during the day so far. You really think that’s a good idea?”

“Not better than letting you drive now,” Taron mumbles and Richard watches him observantly.

Richard could see that Taron was scared. Scared of another accident, scared that something happened to them. He walks over to him and nods. “Okay, I trust you,” he says and hands him the keys. He hugs Taron tightly and presses a kiss onto his forehead, “I know you can do it and I’ll be right there.”

Taron nods and quickly gets in, taking a few deep breaths until Richard got in on the passenger side. T turns the key around and starts the car, buckling up. His fingers wrap themselves tightly around the steering wheel as he sets the blinking lights. “Okay, here we go,” He mumbles more to himself and bites his lower lip.

Richard glances over at him and sees how nervous and uncomfortable he looks. He reaches over to him and places his hand on his thigh, fondling him calmingly. “I know you can do it, bubs. Take a deep breath, focus on the street and don’t let anything stress you out. I’m right here,” He says calming and rubs tiny circles on his inner thigh before squeezing encouragingly.

Taron starts driving and his stomach protests against it almost instantly, but he decides to continue his drive. He is lucky about every red-light and Richard’s encouragements from time to time help him to focus. When he parks the car in front of their house he starts giggling, not believing he just drove them all the way home in the middle of a cold night in January. He rests his head on his hands on the steering wheel and groans, “OH my god, that was fucking scary!”

Richard watches him with a smirk and rubs his back. “I am so proud of you,” he says and grins widely as Taron looks up at him. “Look at you, my brave boy,” his voice gets soft and adoring as he fondles over his cheek.

Taron nestles his face in his hand and closes his eyes for a moment. “Wouldn’t have been able to do this without you next to me.” he places his hand on top of Richard’s and smirks, “Just like so many things.”

“Shut up,” Richard chuckles and connects their lips sweetly, “God, I am so proud of you after today.”

Taron blushes wildly, “You definitely need sleep,” He says and makes them both laugh into their kiss.  

 -

Their wedding day is the most emotional day Taron can remember. He’s crying most of the time, cuddled into Richard, overwhelmed by everything that’s going on. Richard takes it as it is and thinks it’s cute, cuddles him and showers him with kisses. Walking down the alley with his mum towards Richard was the scariest and most exciting thing he ever did and saying yes felt amazing. When he saw Richard’s deep blue eyes fill with tears as he saw him, his measured sweet lover crying just seeing him in his wedding suit, he knew he finally was where he belonged. Dancing to Your song, holding each other close, while sharing loving kisses from time to time and staring into each other’s eyes felt perfect.

He watches Richard talking to his little sisters and imagines him with children. How cute would be Richard as a father? His heart warms at that thought and he feels happy and peaceful.

Taron never thought he would ever be able to be happy again or just smile. The first couple months after the accident he went through hell, feeling useless and lost. A good cry was almost welcome, because it was those days, he didn’t feel numb.

Meeting Richard let those feelings disappear and then come back stronger after their first confrontation with a part of the truth. But the more time he spent with the Scottish and the closer they got again, the more he felt alive. Truly alive.

Maybe he would have never experienced how it feels to truly love someone. Maybe he would have never learned to take care of himself and be aware of his feelings. There were a lot more “maybes” on his list, but he knows one thing for sure-

“You’re alright?” he gets interrupted in his thoughts.

Taron looks up into his favorite pair of blue eyes. “Yes, I am more than alright,” he says.

“So, Mr. Madden, would you like to dance with me?” Richard asks and winks at him as he grabs his hand.

“I would love to,” Taron answers giggling and shakes his head.

- Richard Madden, his husband, was the realest and best thing that ever happened to him.

@multicoloredchicken @primaba11erina @maddertonmyheart @madderton-obsessed @fuseburner @sarahegerton96 @ispewglitter

[gyrlversion]

RICHARD LITTLEJOHN: A cabinet with Mary Berry to heal Brexit division?

The latest wizard wheeze for breaking the Brexit deadlock is the formation of a new government of national unity.

Supporters of the idea include former PM John Major and Labour’s Nonce Finder General Tom Watson. 

Major said on Sunday that a cross-party Cabinet may be needed ‘in the national interest’ to avoid an unprecedented constitutional and political crisis.

Oh, yes.

The latest wizard wheeze for breaking the Brexit deadlock is the formation of a new government of national unity. Safer to install Mary Berry, I’d have thought, alongside David Attenborough as Father of the Nation

It would be the first time such a government had been brought into existence since World War II. Back then, Labour and the Tories joined forces to fight Hitler.

Some people might find the suggestion superficially attractive. But there is one, glaring, fundamental difference between 1940 and the present day.

During the war, Rodney, Britain faced an existential threat from a foreign aggressor. 

Bombs were raining down on our cities and we were staring military defeat in the face. 

Today, the crisis we face is self-inflicted. Or, rather, inflicted upon us by the very same people now offering to form a government of national unity.

The only reason we have a constitutional impasse is because the political class have declared war on the British people.

Supporters of the idea a government of national unity include former PM John Major and Labour’s Nonce Finder General Tom Watson (pictured)

If they’d respected the instruction given to them by a clear majority of voters in a referendum which Parliament overwhelmingly supported, there wouldn’t be any crisis. 

Instead, they have moved heaven and earth to defy democracy and overturn the result.

The idea that Tommy Watson now says he is willing to serve alongside Tories is hilarious. 

He’s spent the past few years smearing the Conservatives as a party of evil child molesters.

Same goes for Pixie Balls-Cooper, who harbours a visceral hatred for Conservatives, yet has also indicated her readiness to accept a senior position in such a government. 

Maybe they both think that with Labour in the grip of the Corbynistas, it would be their last chance of holding high office.

Other prominent supporters of the plan include fanatical Remainers such as Tory Nicky Morgan and the ubiquitous Soubry Loo.

When such politicians speak of forming a government of national unity, however, what they actually mean is a government of People Like Them. 

Their real aim is to stop Brexit from ever happening.

Funny how all the names being touted to form a Cabinet ‘in the national interest’ appear to have been drawn from the Remain camp. 

No one seems to be suggesting it should, for instance, include Nigel Farage, despite the fact that he speaks for millions of disenfranchised people who voted Leave.

And once Parliament had stitched up a cosy consensus of like-minded ministers from across all parties, where would the Opposition come from? 

It wouldn’t be cross-party, it would be a one-party state — the Remain Party.

Prue Leith (left) would be a popular choice to take over as PM with Nadiya Hussain (right), the 2015 Bake Off winner, as Foreign Secretary

The only way a government of national unity could work is if politicians weren’t allowed within a mile of it. 

They have proved beyond reasonable doubt that they are genetically incapable of bringing the nation together.

So who could heal our divisions? If we were to create what used to be called a Government Of All The Talents, who would be in it?

Obviously the Queen wouldn’t want anything to do with this fiasco, so Helen Mirren could stand in for Her Maj as head of state, although these days Olivia Colman is first choice for The Crown. 

If we wanted to skip a generation, there’s Claire Foy.

Safer to install Mary Berry, I’d have thought, alongside David Attenborough as Father of the Nation. 

Prue Leith would be a popular choice to take over as PM with Nadiya, the 2015 Bake Off winner, as Foreign Secretary.

At the Treasury, we’d need someone who knows how to run a business. Maybe David Jason, in his Still Open All Hours role, would fit the bill, proving that Britain is still a nation of shopkeepers.

John Major said on Sunday that a cross-party Cabinet may be needed ‘in the national interest’ to avoid an unprecedented constitutional and political crisis

He certainly couldn’t do much worse than Spread Fear Phil. And if we were looking for more diversity, we could draft in Navid, of Harrid’s Convenience Store in the BBC Scotland sitcom Still Game. 

Plenty of candidates for the Home Office, too. Keeley Hawes, from Bodyguard, or Line Of Duty’s Adrian Dunbar, .

Judi Dench would take control of national security and Idris Elba would finally don the mantle of James Bond, and be sent to Brussels with a Licence To Kill.

Jamie Oliver is a shoo-in for Minister of Food. And we’d have to find something for Ant and Dec, David Walliams and that Killing Eve and Fleabag woman who seems to have become a National Treasure overnight.

The Ministry of Defence would go to Joanna Lumley, after her sterling work in support of the Gurkhas. 

And, obviously, Dawn French would become Archbishop of Canterbury. That’s assuming Michael Palin wasn’t available.

Department of Culture? A toss up between Lenny Henry and Alan Bennett, although I’d be inclined to go for Wilko Johnson, from Dr Feelgood and Game Of Thrones.

Who better to take over at Environment than Uncle Bulgaria, from the Wombles, currently leading the Mail’s litter pick-up on Wimbledon Common.

That’s the easy part. It would be essential to appoint a tough cookie to lead the Brexit negotiations. 

Sir Humphrey Appleby, from Yes, Minister, would have been Mrs May’s choice, but after the dog’s breakfast left behind by Olly Robbins, no civil servant should be involved.

We should give Topshop boss Philip Green the chance to rehabilitate his reputation. I’d pay good money to see the look on Michel Barnier and Jean-Claude Drunker’s faces when they came up against Green’s bargaining technique. He could take along Mike Ashley, from Sports Direct.

They’d be guaranteed to come back with a better deal than Mrs May. And the delegation should also include a couple of dedicated Brexiteers, such as Johnny Rotten, in his Sex Pistols incarnation, and Roger Daltrey, from The Who.

We won’t get fooled again. 

Another sneering Channel 4 Snow job

Channel 4’s self-regarding Leftie Jon Snow flaunts his moral superiority by sneering at pro-Leave marchers: ‘I’ve never seen so many white people.’

I have. On the pro-Remain demo in London the previous week. Snow obviously wasn’t looking hard enough.

One of the most striking images on the Leave march was a black chap in a Union Jack outfit.

Still, what else does anyone expect? Snow, the kind of man who confuses novelty socks for a sense of humour, never misses a trick when it comes to parading his right-on credentials.

Frankly, given his blatant political bigotry, I’m surprised he hasn’t changed his name by deed poll.

Snow? Sounds hideously white to me.

Back in the high life again

A Hurricane fighter plane, which was shot down during the Battle of Britain, has been recovered from the Thames Estuary. There are plans to restore the plane, in the hope that one day it may take to the skies again.

Presumably, if the restoration is successful, the Hurricane will immediately be transferred to one of our two new, multi-billion pound aircraft carriers, which were commissioned by Gordon Brown without any planes to fly off them.

Bradford man Qasim Hussain upset animal rights activists by travelling to Pakistan to take part in the World Camel Weightlifting Contest. His camel managed to lift him and several bags of rocks weighing 1.7 tons, the equivalent of a family car

A Bradford man has upset animal rights activists by travelling to Pakistan to take part in the World Camel Weightlifting Contest.

Qasim Hussain emerged victorious for the second year in a row after his camel managed to lift him and several bags of rocks weighing 1.7 tons, the equivalent of a family car.

He said: ‘Some people say it’s cruel. But you have to be with the camel at all times and sleep in the same room.’ 

Hussain intends returning next year to go for his hat-trick. Better still, they should stage the contest in Bradford next time. It could be a huge attraction, right up there with dwarf-tossing.

But to make things more humane, why not turn the tables and tell competitors to lift the camels, rather than the other way round?

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