#thing is that she seems to be doing just fine without me whereas i'm /lonely/ again like i'd been before i met her. and i /miss/ her.

[iamyelling]

it seems that the issue here is that oftentimes i want to talk through things, which i call "helping". to help me make a decision or a plan or just sort out my thoughts, but i need help doing so, i need to talk through it with someone who i trust. so it's not just a matter of journaling or listening to myself talk, i need to actually converse and have a real conversation with someone and their thoughts are appreciated and welcomed, and requested. but my wife does not understand this nuance and only hears that i am asking her a question and she provides a quick answer. i am then frustrated by that. i try to redeliver the information about the situation. i try to explain whats up again, i try to hem and haw, but she just is like "well! here's your answer! pah! there you go!" and then is all done. no more conversation, we are complete. willing to discuss or argue fine points of her opinion but is frustrated and confused by that and sees it as pushback and is confused why i am arguing about an opinion i asked for. whereas i am frustrated that she won't cooperate and won't help me or talk to me and is uninteresting in conversing. makes me feel shut down and like she doesn't care and isn't listening. also makes me feel lonely, like i have to just do everything myself, alone, without her. but i WANT her to do these things with me. i don't want to have to be so independent. it's not a matter that i didn't like her answer, it's that i didn't ASK for an answer!! she's like, baffled that i am "rejecting" her answer because to her i literally just asked for it, like fine just ignore it don't do it then!, when actually i wanted to TALK to her about it! i feel like she just wants to say something really quick and get it over with as fast as possible and get me out of her hair.

she is frustrated by all this and thinks i should "just be clear". which is frustrating to ME because i really truly am! i understand that miscommunications happen especially when attempting to have the type of conversation that i am. so i will repeatedly try to restart it and reengage and get it going in the right direction. she gave me an example of what i should say in order to be clear but the kicker is i DID say that (in my own way, slightly different phrasing but i seriously did say it). so i'm just like. what am i supposed to do?? you don't seem to be able to wrap your head around the fact that i'm not just asking for your vote one way or another, i'm trying to TALK about this. she seems wholly unfamiliar with the concept of conversation, and tends more towards one person speaking at the other, then the other person speaking at the other. which would explain her disgruntled, confused, and defensive manner when people ask her questions when she speaks (these people are trying to show interest by asking basic probing questions. nothing prying or judgmental, just trying to facilitate conversation).

this also results in her perceiving interruptions when the other person is just trying to communicate that they're attentive, listening, and interested. and also results in her sitting motionless, silent, and unresponsive when i am speaking, which makes me feel like she's not listening and uninterested.

all together this makes communication extremely difficult for us and leads to us avoiding communicating as much as possible. super fun!!!

[free--therapy]

hii it's anon!

the post you shared about "moral perfectionism" was so relatable. i was never like that and used to be okay with things i did or mistakes I made even if they were "morally wrong"

but then, anxiety hit and two years ago, i read some things which made me think "wow some people on the internet are so nice" which in turn, started making me think how not nice or bad of a person I was.

which was why I started worrying about any mistake I'd made especially those which resulted in other people getting affected just because i wanted something. even things that weren't necessarily mistakes, i would overthink and they would start seeming that way.

but eventually, i started telling myself even if these mistakes seemed like only i did things like that, the fact is I was still a child or a teen. around that age, everyone does things like that. even adults do things like that. i realised that if it's something recent or something I can fix, maybe then I can try.

But for older mistakes that have gone by, if everyone else has probably forgotten about it or if they wouldn't even care about it now or maybe they didn't know I did something but now after so long, wouldn't care anyway. Then, i don't need to think about those either. I can let it go or forget about it or stop thinking about it. Freeing myself from the guilt and moving on wouldn't make me a bad person, it would make me a human like anyone else.

Also, recently I've been sending you wayy too many questions I'm really sorry about it. If I'm bothering you, please let me know.

It's just that a part of me just can't come to terms with the fact that roughly just a week ago or so, i was doing completely fine without any problems or overthinking. But now, just a week later, I've been spending most of my time inside my head. Of course, I've been rationalising too but that takes up a good amount of time too. And at the end of the day, i realise that i didn't do much today except spending time thinking or rationalising....just in my head.

It's a bit disheartening especially when i think i was okay with everything just a while ago and doing so good but suddenly it's like this. And it's even more disheartening when i think how everyone around me doesn't have to deal with this. They all seem to properly be in the present and even their worries seem to be about their present issues whereas there's me worrying about something that doesn't even matter. Sometimes i just wanna cry about this you know? It's okay most times but suddenly some days it seems so not fair.

On top of that, i haven't been able to share any of this with my sister either. I used to at least share what i could back then, but this time, i have not because she has her own big issues to deal with. So it feels very lonely and frankly, i hate feeling this way. I hope for things to get better soon for me and that I'll be able to leave this behind and move on.

I'm sorry for saying random things and for depending on you so much recently. I'm always grateful for all your help 💗

You're welcome, Anon. I'm glad you found that post helpful!

Hey, it's okay. I understand what it's like to have all these worrying thoughts and needing someone to just make you feel like you're not insane, but also needing the help to make sure they don't consume you.

You need to be more patient and kind to yourself. Don't beat yourself up because it feels like you might be going backwards. You're in a much better spot than you were a few months ago and you should be proud of yourself and how far you've come. Don't let a bad week or a bad day discourage you from continuing on in your journey. You're not perfect and that's okay because no one is!

[demisexual-kingdom]

Submission by @notchristianbale

Well this is new ground for me.

I've never before written anything for any of the various “awareness weeks” that the internet bombards us with, limiting myself to support of friends who were part of those groups. I even missed suicide prevention awareness week, despite the personal connection of having survived an attempt in May. I am however, going to write something for asexual awareness week.

For those who aren't aware, asexuality and aromanticism exist on a spectrum: there are varying degrees of attraction and attachment depending on the person. Because it is different for every person, positions on the spectrum defy easy labeling. The labels are more useful individuals on the spectrum to help understand themselves than they are a useful descriptive for others. For example, I am demiromantic and demisexual. The definition you will get if you search online is that means I do not feel romantic or physical attraction without a strong emotional bond. As a definition that is both technically accurate and woefully incomplete. The best way I can explain that is to talk about things I never understood about myself until this summer when I learned about the terms for the first time.

Demiromantic – Despite being a lot closer to 50 than I am 40, I have been “in love” exactly three times in my life. If you discount years when I was using drugs and alcohol heavily, that drops to twice. This is so extreme it almost seems more consistent with being at the extreme aromantic end of the spectrum. I feel demiromantic is a better description for me because 1) I do feel the longing for a romantic relationship at times when I'm not in one – even more so than a sexual relationship, and 2) I may not fall often, but trust me, when I fall, I fall hard. Basically, while I feel it less often, I feel it more intensely, whereas someone closer to the aromantic end of the spectrum would typically be more “easy come, easy go”. It's not that I don't feel a romantic pull,it just takes me a long time.

Demisexual – I realized this before I learned about demiromantic, and exhibited more of the typical indicators. The most obvious being that even my fantasies are centered on conversation and relationships. When I look at my personal history it gets a little bit murkier. I was a professional musician for years and lived that lifestyle. I honestly have no idea how many different partners I've had. If we adjust for drug and alcohol use, however,there is a stark difference. The number of people I've engaged in any sort of sex act with while sober drops to four. There's only one person that I've had intercourse with without being drunk or stoned (yes, she was also one of the 3 I've been in love with) . Most telling, it's not like I'm getting rejected, and certainly not that I'm shy and reserved. It's just that I don't care enough to try. I literally don't miss it when it's gone, and won't even feel the urge unless it's with someone I feel emotionally close to.

These are things that have been true about me forever, and I had picked up on the fact that I was different. I could never understand how people could go in and out of relationships easy, and was even more puzzled by Tindr. I couldn't understand why people would just assume I must be lonely when I was fine. I was familiar with the term asexual, but not the idea that it was a spectrum, so I felt it didn't apply to me. Learning the terms demisexual and demiromantic was like having a light turned on so I can see and understand myself for the first time.

So, with this being asexual awareness week, let me point out that trying to “fix up” your long time single friend with someone may not be as helpful as you think. Talk to them and make sure they want you help first, they may be happy as they are. For people like me who find themselves only occasionally interested, if at all, it's ok to be that way.

[lesamisandlesmiserables]

I'm bored so have a spam of questions: 1) Favourite type of music to listen to? 2) Any pets? 3) Plans for the future? 4) Is the glass half full, half empty or entirely full of water and air? 5) Oddest thing you've done when bored? 6) Favourite hobbies?

Cosette: My favourite sort of music is classical compositions, no words at all, just the beautiful flood of the music that plays, relaxing and comforting, there is a haunting beauty within it! I have one dog, who I’ve had ever since he was a newborn puppy, when I was first taken in by Jean Valjean, I received him, and he’s been my constant companion ever since. As for my future plans…Hmm. I suppose I’m just letting the tide of fortune take me wherever, a chance moment can change all. I personally like to look at the glass as full! Why be negative when you can fill your life and the life of others around you with the beauty of positivity, I say. Oddest thing I’ve ever done when bored…Hmm.

Combeferre: If I’m actively listening to the music then it has to be classical music. If it’s just music I have on in the background then it can be virtually anything. I have very eclectic tastes when it comes to background noise/music. Enjolras finds it frustrating when at home because I can only study with music, whereas he studies best in silence. We compromised and I got him some noise cancelling headphones. I have one cat and between us Enjolras and I have two dogs. (They’re scared of the cat) My future plans line up with E’s in that we’re both studying law, although specialising in different areas. From there I’ll probably practice for a few years before settling down to teach.This is an entirely ridiculous question, which is wholly subjective and says more about a person’s outlook than it does on the factual state of the glass itself. In any case, the glass is a container filled with water and air. I serenaded my bookshelf once… that was a weird day. I enjoy reading, listening to music, gardening (Mabeuf introduced me) yoga, and generally being at home.

Enjolras: I don’t listen to music very often, though, if I had to pick a favourite, it would probably be alternative or classical. Ferre and I own two dogs (Maximilien and Socrates) and he also has a cat. As Ferre said, we are both studying law, though I am studying International Human Rights Law specifically, so that way I can better help all people. I don’t tend to view it in any particular way, though I would have to say half full. There is always room for more, but at least there’s something there. The oddest thing i have ever done while bored? I once gathered all of Ferre’s chairs and flipped them over to build a “barricade.” This was when we had just learned about the rebellions after the French Revolution in school. And as for my favourite hobbies, I tend to enjoy attending protests, reading, taking the dogs on walks, and walking around in the rain.

Babet: My taste in music is all over the place. I like a bit of everything. I want a pet bat but apparently that’s unhealthy. I want a dog too, but I wouldn’t have enough time to look after one right now. My plan for the future is to finish my degree and then get my doctorate. Other than that, I tend not to look too far ahead. The glass is probably empty if I’ve been anywhere near it. I’ve done a lot of odd things when I’ve been bored, and I probably shouldn’t admit to most of them. I have too many hobbies to count, but playing instruments is probably my favourite, especially guitar and piano.

Fantine: 1) My favorite type of music is anything upbeat and gets me moving. Life can be hard but you can at least control what you listen to and that is a blessing! 2) No pets sadly. The Thenardiers don’t allow pets in their building. As a child I had a couple of birds, larks actually. 3) Plans for the future? Find my Cosette of course! I haven’t seen her in so long and I hope and pray desperately that she is safe somewhere! I could never manage if I knew she was out there all alone! 4) The glass is empty. That way you can fill it with what you want. 5) Oddest thing I have done out of boredom was knit a scarf that was nearly 8 feet long! I was really distracted with a really good podcast and boom a scarf long enough for a hippo. 6) I don’t have much time for hobbies but I like baking. It’s very methodical (you know exactly what happens next) and as long as your follow the recipe you get something delicious. It is also handy when you are late and need something to convince your boss not to fire you!

Valjean: I don’t really have a favorite music type, anything with a good beat and good message is fine by me. I have a very old dog. She’s a rescue and her name is Cayenne. I’m at that point in my life where I don’t have distinct plans, besides to enjoy working at the library and spend time with my daughter. It’s definitely full. I told the entire library once that we were switching from Library of Congress system to Dewey Decimal system. You should have seen the looks of horror. My favorite hobby, besides gently teasing library student workers, is definitely reading.

Mabeuf: 1) I quite enjoy folk music, and murder ballads are especially fun! 2) My six cats are glorious creatures. I’ve been looking after rescue cats for decades, and one had a litter, so now I have many beautiful darlings. 3) I’d like to see some more change in the world - keep supporting protests, though I’m likely too old to do a great deal myself. Perhaps I can stay around to haunt the university, or something like that… 4) Half full, I suppose - it’s not perfect or finished, but that’s okay. Things don’t have to be. 5) Started translating Dorian Gray into Polari. Oscar would be proud, I think. 6) Reading, gardening, petting cats, teaching, and drinking tea.

Marius: 1) I love most music, but my favourite kinds would be indie and folk. Sometimes pop, too.  2) I don’t have any pets, but every now and then some birds drop by my window sill for bread crumbs. 3) In the future I plan to be with my true love. It seems silly, but I want a ‘happy ever after’ with my soulmate, you know? In the future I want to help people learn to be accepting and inclusive of everyone no matter what someone’s race or religion is. I also want to come to terms with my grandfather. He can be a stick in the mud, but we love each other and I admit I sort of miss him. New York is a big place, and it’s easy to get cold and lonely. No I’m not crying, it’s just allergies I swear. 4) I think the glass is entirely full of water and air. Although we only see the water, the air is there too and it’s just as important, even if it’s not what we’re looking for. 5) This will probably ruin my reputation but the oddest thing I’ve done when I was bored was stalking Mr. Valjean. In my defense, I had never spoken to him back then and he seemed intimidating but I wanted to find out more about him without actually confronting him and I had a spare class and… anyways I found out that he spends an awful lot of time strolling the streets with Cosette. 6) My favourite hobbies would be walking, reading, and blogging.