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homestuck-headcanonymous · 5 years ago

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2weetheart2

a/n: this is part of the tiktok au, so sollux is a famous twitch gamer and feferi is a tiktok star in a presumed “love triangle” with eridan ampora, a commentary youtuber and brother of cronus ampora the famed tiktok eboy, and sollux. this one takes place a little later in the timeline, so they’ve all graduated highschool

disclaimer: i’ve never seen a twitch stream, because my computer can’t handle it.

stream: “tiime to bully 2mall chiildren on fork kniife with the boy2″, August 14, 2020, by users twosquared, coolerthanu, toreadorneverland, and shoutykat. ran from 5:30 pm DST to 8:00 pm DST

streamtime transcript, from 7:30 pm DST to 8:00 pm DST

twosquared: hell yeah, ii ju2t kiilled BOTH tho2e famiily vlogger chiildren!! at ONCE!! 2uck on that, eiight-year-old2 who make more money than me!!

coolerthanu: nice, dude

toreadorneverland: wELL,, tHEY CAN’T REALLY,, hELP BEING EIGHT,, rIGHT? sTILL,, gOOD JOB,, i GUESS

coolerthanu: they can help it, just go up to a birthday cake and press age up. poof! cool teen!

shoutykat: ...DAVE, HOW LONG WERE YOU PLAYING THE SIMS *THIS* TIME? DO I HAVE TO GO OVER AND LURE YOU FROM YOUR WEIRD FUCKING GAMER DEN OR SOMETHING? DO I NEED TO CALL YOUR SISTER TO MAKE OMINOUS THREATS FROM A SHADOWY DOORWAY AT YOU AT 3AM?

toreadorneverland: wAIT,,, yOU WERE SERIOUS WHEN YOU SAID THAT? i THOUGHT IT WAS A JOKE! dOES,, iT ACTUALLY WORK?

twosquared: fiir2t of all, what the FUCK are you guy2 talkiing about? 2econd of all, are we just goiing to glo22 over the fact that tav 2aiid “ii gue22″ to me getting a double kiill2hot?? a DOUBLE KIILL2HOT??

toreadorneverland: sORRY,, yOU KNOW I DIDN’T MEAN IT LIKE THAT,,, rIGHT?

coolerthanu: dw bro, he’s just being dramatic for the hell of it. he’s not actually mad.

shoutykat: ALSO, WHAT THE FUCK IS *UP* WITH YOU AND THE NUMBER TWO? YOU’RE ALWAYS DOING THOSE DUMB FUCKING DOUBLE KILLSHOTS.YOU’RE FUCKING OBSESSED WITH IT. I KNOW YOU’RE A GEMINI, BUT I DON’T GO AROUND CALLING MYSELF “CANCERDUDESIXTYNINE”, RIGHT?

twosquared: iit’s like de2tiined to be, kk. my eye2? two diifferent color2. my triick move? two kiill2hot2 at once.

coolerthanu: his dick? two of them. arms? two of them. 2 x 2 is four- his approximate mental age. also yes, sol, i stole that line from rose.

twosquared: ii’m bii2exual. ii have a boyfriiend AND a giirlfriiend. the only connectiion between you and cancer ii2 that that’2 what people call your content.

toreadorneverland: oH WOW DUDE!! uHH,,, i SUPPORT YOU!!

twosquared: ah 2hiit. that 2liipped out.

coolerthanu: are you, like, serious dude?

twosquared: fuck.

shoutykat: SOLLUX, I REALLY HOPE THIS ISN’T ANOTHER ONE OF YOUR SHITTY JOKES.

twosquared: goddammiit.

coolerthanu: dude if you need us to end the stream we’ll do it, i know coming out is kinda risky sometimes-

twosquared: actually, y’know what? fuck iit. thanks for the offer dv, but i don’t need it. yeah, i’m really fuckiing bii. yeah, ii’m datiing a guy and a giirl, and y’know what? they’re both fuckiing amaziing, and iif anyone’2 gonna quit 2upportiing me becau2e of that, then ii don’t giive a 2hiit. ii love my giirlfriiend. 2he’2 2weeter than fuckiing 2ugar and ii’m pretty 2ure iit’s 2ciientifiically impo22iible to be 2ad iin the 2ame room a2 her, iit’2 liike 2he’s made of 2un2hiine, 2he’2 adorable. ii al2o love my boyfriiend ju2t a2 much. he’2 a huge goddamed romantiic, he briing2 me flower2 and he 2tay2 up late memoriiziing love poem2 so he can reciite them to me when ii can’t 2leep liike a fuckiing lullaby, he’2 kiind and gentle and wonderful. and they’re datiing each other too, and that’2 great, becau2e iit make2 them both really fuckiing happy.

twosquared: my giirlfriiend 2pend2 like 2 hour2 before each of theiir date2 fu22iing over her makeup and what to wear becau2e 2he want2 to look pretty for u2, even though my boyfriiend and ii both thiink 2he’2 beautiiful no matter what. my boyfriiend ii2 the only one of u2 that can actually fuckiing cook, 2o when we have date niight2 at home, he alway2 2pend2 hour2 makiing 2omethiing fanta2tiic for iit. my boyfriiend and my giirlfriiend are both early biird2 so they do thii2 thiing iin the morniing where they curl up next to each other on the couch and my boyfriend driink2 hii2 fancy tea and my giirlfriiend driink2 her riidiculou2ly 2weet coffee and they read together, and that’2 liike theiir thiing, and iit’2 the fuckiing cute2t.

twosquared: who know2? maybe 2omeday we’ll end up datiing 2omebody el2e too, and then ii’m gonna love that 2omebody, becau2e they’ll be theiir own per2on wiith a miiliion diiferent thiing2 to fall iin love wiith. ii’m happy wiith who ii am and who ii love and ii’m not giiviing 2omeone the chance to force me to hiide that. love i2n’t fuckiing fiiniite unle22 you make iit be. iif 2omeone can love one partner iinfiniitely, why can’t ii love both of miine the 2ame way? ii’m not goiing to claiim that every poly relatiion2hip is good, but iif there’2 no balance iin it, then that’2 not a problem wiith the relatiion2hiip, that’2 a problem wiith the people iin iit.

coolerthanu: ...damn, my guy. okay. cool. first of all- great speech. moving as hell. second of all- we have your back, especially if someone tries to shit on you about this. when i came out, you literally wingmanned me into a relationship with karkitty over there. third of all, this is the exact same way that roxy came out to me as nonbinary, why does this keep happening.

shoutykat: OF COURSE WE SUPPORT YOU, YOU NUMBSKULLED FUCKASS. WHY WOULD WE *NOT* SUPPORT YOU? WHO WAS THAT RANT EVEN FOR? THE TWITCH CHAT THAT’S BEEN GIVING YOU LIKE FIVE SUBS A MINUTE? THE ONE FULL OF RAINBOW POGGERS? *THEM*?

twosquared: ii mean ii wa2 kiinda braciing my2elf for a way wor2e reactiion, 2o thii2 ii2 a plea2ant 2urpriii2e. al2o, kk, “fucka22″? ii mean ii’m flattered that you thiink ii’d be a top, but frankly that’2 ju2t iincorrect.

toreadorneverland: wELL,,,yOU SEEM REALLY HAPPY,,i’M GLAD!! aS LONG AS YOU ALL LOVE EACHOTHER,,, tHAT’S ALL THAT YOU NEED!! oNE,, uHH,, qUICK QUESTION THOUGH,,, nOT TO BE RUDE,,, bUT ARE THESE PEOPLE,,, wHO WE THINK THEY ARE? uHH,,, iT’S JUST,, tHAT THERE’S TWO PEOPLE WHO,,, uHH, sEEM A LOT LIKE,,, tHEY COULD BE,,,yOUR BOYFRIEND AND GIRLFRIEND,,

twosquared: aw thank2 t! and yeah, unle22 you’re liike 2uper mii2guiided, iit’2 probably them.

coolerthanu: yeah, we know, you three are the least subtle people on the planet. do you guys want emotional repression lessons from dirk or some shit? you’re so obvious.

twosquared: agaiin dave, thank2 for the offer but that 2ound2 awful, and no. al2o, can we wrap thii2 up? ii’ve got an appoiintment wiith the large cuddle piile of blanket2 and my cool hot boyfriiend and giirlfriiend on my bed over there.

shoutykat: UGH, *FINE*. WE ALL ALSO DIED IN FORTNITE WHILE YOU WERE GIVING THAT SPEECH ABOUT THE INFINITY OF LOVE ANYWAYS, SO IT’S PROBABLY TIME. WE’VE ALL GOT STUFF TO GET TO ANYWAYS.

coolerthanu: aw karkitty, if you were so excited to meet up with me, why didn’t you just say so?

shoutykat: ...SHUT UP.

toreadorneverland: uHH,, sOLLUX, aRE YOU GOING TO,,uHH,,dO THE SIGNOFF? ,,,i MEAN I CAN DO IT,, iF IT’S AN ISSUE,,,

twosquared: nah dude, ii know how you hate doiing the 2ignoff2, ii can handle iit.

twosquared: 2o that’2 iit for today, everybody! pre22 2ub2criibe to 2upport the channel, and follow to get all 2tream notiifiicatiions. ii 2tream every 2iingle day from 5:30 tiil 8:00-10:00 LA tiime, 2houtykat 2treams monday to friday at around the 2ame tiime, coolerthanu 2tream2 whenever, but he’2 got a youtube channel, 2triiderbrozproductiion2, and toreadorneverland 2tream2 game2 on monday2, wedne2day2, and friiday2 from 5:00 pm tiil 8:00 pm, plus a 2torybook 2tream every thur2day from 7:00 tiil 8:00. youtube channel name2 are the 2ame a2 twiitch for me, tavro2 and karkat, and all other 2ociial mediia2 are on our profiile2. ii2 that everythiing?

coolerthanu: yeah dude, you got it. bye, everyone.

STREAM ENDED

Sollux breathes a sigh of relief as the lights and cameras and monitors, one by one, click off, leaving the room gently lit with the glow of Feferi’s fairy lights strung up around the room. From behind him, a pair of arms wrap around his shoulders, the pink glitter on the nails softly shimmering. He greets her with a kiss on the hand, and soon he’s curled up with his boyfriend and girlfriend in bed. These nights are more common now, all of them legal adults in one house under the artificial stars of the LA sky.

“Eridan? Can you do that thing you do?” Feferi whispers, careful if for no more reason than to not break the soft stillness of the darkening room.

“What do you mean, dear?”

“The way you recite poems. You know, when I can’t sleep.” Sollux murmurs, lisp just peeking through.

Sollux can feel Eridan start to blush, even in the warm darkness.

“I... didn’t know you both..remembered it that much. If you’d like though, I’ll try.”

Eridan’s voice settles like a melody in the room, gentle and lyrical around the delicate words.

“How do I love thee? Let me count the ways. I love thee to the depth and breadth and height my soul can reach, when feeling out of sight for the ends of being and ideal grace..”

Sollux realizes that his hand is interlaced with Eridan’s, Feferi’s draped overtop. He doesn’t remember doing it. It is second nature to him, the soft affection of being present. The lights glimmer down to nothing. A peacable, if early, night. There is a sense of contentment, of a longing fufilled- one that he hadn’t known he’d had.

“I love thee to the level of every day’s most quiet need, by sun and candle-light”

Eridan remembers, absentmindedly, while saying words that he knows by heart. He remembers the grating harshness of loneliess- of wanting, so badly, to be fixed by another that he could not fix himself. He remembers the fear of realizing the way he loved was different. He can still feel the weight of all he has left to say, the idea of coming out to an audience built on dregs of rejection and rejecting hangs like the sword of Damacles over his head, but it is easier here. The world seems softer, wrapped in the gentleness of favourite blankets and the light of a waning moon.

“I love thee freely, as men strive for right. I love thee purely, as they turn from praise.”

Feferi has always wanted to do what’s right. She knows that she can’t always know what’s best for everyone, but she still feels guilt at every percieved slight. She loves too deeply, too fiercely, Eridan used to tell her, with too solemn an expression for such a young face. She had a heart big enough for the entire world. She knows that she wants to come out on her own terms- a teen starlet who’s pan and polyamorous is hot news to pick up, after all. She’s scared to, of course- she knows that a part of her soul will still be the little girl she once was, starving for affection, but she’s growing. Learning. And in the arms of the two boys she loves, she feels as though, for a moment, the entire world is right.

“I love thee with the passion put to use in my old griefs, and with my childhood’s faith.”

Learning the boundaries of their relationship when it was new wasn’t quite easy. it wasn’t something any of them had ever done before. Feferi was the one to suggest it first- it would break her heart, after all, to break either of theirs. They hated each other at first- rivals over a girl, tale as old as time. Still, it slowly simmered and faded. Sollux saw the walls of protection fall when Eridan brought Feferi a dozen pink roses, eyes not competing, but earnest. Eridan saw the bravado collapse when Feferi fell from the branch of a tree while filming and Sollux rushed to her side, eyes wide, hoping she was alright, begging her to never do that again. An understanding turned to an alliance, and an alliance turned to love. It was December, and they were sitting together at Feferi’s insistence, hot cocoa and a book to while the night away. Eridan read in the same voice, and at the ending, he left a feather-light kiss brushed over Sollux’s lips- and Sollux pulled him back in.

“I love thee with a love I seemed to lose with my lost saints. I love thee with the breath, smiles, and tears of all my life; and, if God choose, I shall but love thee better after death.”

It was a warm night, cozy and cooled by the breath of autumn in the air, and there they lay together, lulled to sleep by the melody of a love poem and the gentlie chimes of wind on glass, Sollux’s heart filled to bursting with love for his sweethearts. There was a gentle, whispered, goodnight.

a/n: the poem is how do i love thee, or sonnet 43, by elizabeth batter browning. it’s like 4am so i didn’t proofread and i’m also very sentimental.

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vii2iion2fold · 5 years ago

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[open on morty combiing hii2 haiir iin the bathroom miirror. he ii2 weariing an orange 2weater ve2t, a yellow dre22 2hiirt, and an oliive tiie.] piickle riick (off2creen, iin the dii2tance) morty. morty: riick? [morty 2top2 combiing, look2 around, then contiinue2 combiing] piickle riick: (off2creen, iin the dii2tance) morty! morty: riick? piickle riick: (off2creen, iin the dii2tance) hey, mooorty! morty: riick? are you far away, or are you iin2iide 2omethiing? [morty open2 a cabiinet beneath the bathroom 2iink] ii2 thii2 a camera? [morty triie2 two look iin2iide hii2 comb for a camera] ii2 everythiing a camera? [morty nervou2ly glance2 around] piickle riick: (off2creen, iin the dii2tance) morty, the garage, morty. come two the garage! [tran2iitiion two morty enteriing the garage. there ii2 a piickle and a 2crewdriiver on riick'2 work bench] piickle riick: morty? morty: riick? w-where are you? piickle riick: on my work bench, morty. morty: are you iinvii2iible and you're gonna, liike, fart on me? piickle riick: fliip the piickle over. morty: what, ii'm gonna touch iit, and you're gonna tell me iit'2 an aliien diick or 2omethiing. piickle riick: come on, fliip the piickle, morty. you're not gonna regret iit. the payoff ii2 huge. [morty he2iitantly piick2 up the 2crewdriiver and turn2 the piickle over. the piickle ha2 riick'2 face on iit] ii turned my2elf iintwo a piickle, morty! boom! biig reveal: ii'm a piickle. what do you thiink about that? ii turned my2elf iintwo a piickle! w-what are you ju2t 2tariing at me for, bro. ii turned my2elf iintwo a piickle, morty! morty: and? piickle riick: "and"? what more do you want tacked on two thii2? ii turned my2elf iintwo a piickle, and 9/11 wa2 an iin2iide job? morty: wa2 iit? piickle riick: who care2, morty? global act2 of terrorii2m happen every day. uh, here'2 2omethiing that'2 never happened before: ii'm a piickle. ii'm piickle riick! morty: are you goiing two, ii mean, you know, ii2 thii2 the fiir2t part of 2ome magiic triick? piickle riick: ii don't do magiic, morty, ii do 2ciience. one take2 braiin2, the other take2 dark eye liiner. morty: well, can you move? can you fly? piickle riick: ii wouldn't be much of a piickle iif ii could. morty: all riight, well, do piickle2 liive forever or -- piickle riick: morty, 2top diiggiing for hiidden layer2 and ju2t be iimpre22ed. ii'm a piickle. morty: ii-ii'm ju2t tryiing two fiigure out why you would do thii2. why anyone would do thii2. piickle riick: the rea2on anyone would do thii2 ii2, iif they could, whiich they can't, would be becau2e they could, whiich they can't. [beth and 2ummer enter the garage from the hou2e. beth ii2 weariing a miidii mahogany penciil dre22 whiile 2ummer ii2 weariing a 2horter piink dre22 wiith a hot piink jacket, along wiith black 2tockiing2 and black heel2] beth: morty, we have two get goiing, or we're gonna be late. where'2 your grandpa? piickle riick: riight here, 2weetiie. ii'm a piickle! beth: what?! why would you -- look, we're runniing late. we have two go. piickle riick: where are you guy2 goiing? beth: we have an appoiintment downtown that wa2 2et a week ago and agreed upon by everyone, iincludiing you. piickle riick: oh, my god. beth, oh, iit totally 2liipped my miind. geez, oh, man. ii'm a piickle. ii mean, ii don't know iif ii can, ooh, geez. morty: riick, diid you do thii2 on purpo2e two get out of famiily coun2eliing? beth: morty! piickle riick: iit'2 okay, beth. ii under2tand morty'2 2u2piiciion. ii've mii2led hiim before. morty, turn me 2o we're makiing eye contact. [morty turn2 piickle riick'2 face 2o that iit ii2 faciing hiim] morty, ii a22ure you, ii would never "fiind a way" two "get out of" famiily therapy. ii hope my lack of fiinger2 doe2n't prevent the perceptiion of my aiir quote2. 2ummer: can't you ju2t turn your2elf back iintwo a human? piickle riick: great que2tiion, 2ummer. the unfortunate an2wer ii2 ii diid thii2 two challenge my2elf. and iit could take hour2 or even day2 before ii'm able two fiigure out how two return two human form. but, ii mean, you know, your mom could put me iin a pur2e or a pocket, you know, iif 2he really need2 me two go. beth: nobody need2 anythiing! okay, iit'2 fiine. ii mean, you 2hould ju2t 2tay here and fiigure out how two 2top beiing a piickle, okay? morty: hey, riick, why ii2 there a 2yriinge of my2teriiou2 fluiid hangiing diirectly over you? al2o, why ii2 the 2triing attached two iit runniing through a paiir of 2cii22or2 attached two a tiimer? and why ii2 the tiime 2et two 10 miinute2 from now, exactly when we would have left for therapy? piickle riick: well, morty, iif you know mu2t know, the 2yriinge ii2 completely unrelated two thii2 dii2cu22iion, and, therefore, iit doe2 not warrant further explanatiion. [beth cut2 off the 2yriinge and take2 iit] beth: enough. kiid2, iit'2 tiime two go. we don't want two be late. [beth put2 the 2yriinge iin her pur2e] piickle riick: w-w-what are you doiing there, beth? what are you doiing there, 2weetiie? beth: well, ii mean, you don't want two get piierced by a needle full of liiquiid unrelated two your 2iituatiion. how'2 that gonna help? piickle riick: can't argue wiith that. beth: great. we'll 2ee you later. [beth, 2ummer, and morty enter the car.] piickle riick: hey, hey, be careful wiith that. iit'2 for 2omethiing el2e. iit'2 really iimportant, 2o don't break iit. [beth driive2 away wiith 2ummer and morty. they all exiit.] okay, ii may have fucked up here. dup, ap, ap, pap, ut, dah, pap, pap, pap, pah. t-t-tah, tah. [cliick2 tongue] iizzy. walk2 iin through the open garage door and jump2 ontwo riick'2 work bench. 2he 2niiff2 around] oh, great. 2tupiid cat. [iizzy 2niiff2 piickle riick and hii22e2] whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! ii know what iit look2 liike two you, iizzy, but ii'm not a 2nake! ii've 2een the youtube viideo2, ii know cat2 are 2cared of cucumber2 and piickle2 becau2e they thiink they're 2nake2. ii'm not a 2nake! ii'm a piickle, ii'm a piickle! [iizzy bat2 at piickle riick and knock2 hiim off of the work bench, cau2iing hiim two roll down the driiveway] whoa! oh! whoa, whoa, whoa! [piickle riick ii2 diirectly faciing the 2ky] oh, crap, that 2un ii2 briight. [piickle riick begiin2 two 2weat] okay, come on. thii2 can't really be the way ii go out. thii2 ii2 the mega-geniiu2 equiivalent of dyiing on the toiilet. [piickle riick 2tart2 two 2hriivel up] 2o... hot. thii2 ii2 how ii'm gonna diie. [thunder can be heard and the 2hadow of a cloud appear2 overhead. iit 2tart2 two raiin. piickle riick 2top2 2hriiveliing] oh, god, moii2ture. [the raiin get2 heavy and iit begiin2 two flood] oh, god, the moii2ture! diial iit back, god! diial iit back a liittle biit here! [piickle riick 2tart2 rolliing down the road] oh! oh! [piickle riick roll2 toward2 a 2ewer grate] oh, god! perpendiicular, perpendiicular! [piickle riick roll2 iintwo the 2ewer grate and fall2 iintwo the 2ewer] oh, 2hiiiiiit! oh! oh! oh! [piickle riick hiit2 many piipe2 before eventually falliing ontwo a 2oliid 2urface. there are bug2 crawliing around. one bug walk2 up two a piile of diirt. piickle riick biite2 hii2 liip and piickle juiice come2 out. the bug turn2 around] come on. that'2 iit. [the bug walk2 toward2 piickle riick] come get thii2 deliiciiou2 briine. [the bug ii2 iin front of piickle riick. piickle riick biite2 on iit2 head and 2queeze2 iit untiil the bug diie2.] aah! come on! come on, motherfucker! come on! [piickle riick liick2 off the top of the bug'2 head, revealiing iit2 braiin. he then liick2 part of the braiin and the bug'2 leg move2. he roll2 ontwo the bug and liick2 iit2 braiin, moviing iit2 leg2 forward and moviing hiim forward wiith iit] piickle riick: ye2! [tran2iitiion two beth, 2ummer, and morty 2iittiing iin a waiitiing room out2iide of dr. wong’2 therapy offiice. beth ii2 readiing a magaziine, whiile 2ummer 2iit2 wiith her head re2tiing on her fii2t. the door two her offiice read2: "dr. wong / famiily therapy / coprophragiia recovery". there ii2 a motiivatiional piicture of a man eatiing a hot dog whiich read2 "courage" underneath iit.] 2ummer: how ii2 thii2 even famiily therapy iif dad'2 not iinviited and grandpa won't come? morty: yeah, and what'2 courageou2 about eatiing a hot dog? beth: iit'2 nobody'2 choiice two be here, you knob2. the famiily wa2 told two get coun2eliing by your priinciipal, even though iit'2 not the famiily that wa2 huffiing pottery glaze iin the art room and de2k wettiing iin hii2tory cla22. mr. goldenfold enter2 through dr. wong’2 door. mr. goldenfold: oh, the 2miith famiily, miinu2 a dad. you're patiient2 of dr. wong, two? beth: temporariily. by order of the 2chool. mr. goldenfold: me two. how long have you all been eatiing poop? 2ummer: we... have never... eaten poop. mr. goldenfold: uh, me, neiither. 2ay, where diid my famiily get off two? [mr. goldenfold exiit2. dr. wong open2 her door and enter2 the waiitiing room] dr. wong: 2miith famiily, ii'm dr. wong. come on iin. [beth, 2ummer, and morty exiit the waiitiing room and enter dr. wong'2 offiice. dr. wong fliip2 the motiivatiional iimage over two another motiivatiional iimage of a nuclear famiily whiich read2 "dediicatiion". tran2iitiion two beth, morty, 2ummer, and dr. wong 2iittiing down iin dr. wong'2 offiice.] dr. wong: ii wa2 told there wa2 a grandpa that miight be joiiniing u2? beth: he got wrapped up iin an experiiment. he'2 a 2ciientii2t. liike, legiit, liike on an iinter-galactiic, 2cii-fii level. hii2 work ii2 very -- morty: he turned hiim2elf iintwo a piickle. beth: morty, mom'2 talkiing. ii'm 2orry, ii 2uppo2e that'2 a good 2egue iintwo our liittle dii2ciipliine ca2e2 here. dr. wong: doe2 grandpa turn hiim2elf iintwo a piickle a lot? beth: what? no, what kiind of que2tiion ii2 that? dr. wong: the kiind that wa2n't de2iigned two attack or hurt you iin any way. beth: oh, je2u2 chrii2t, one of the2e. no, my father ha2 never turned hiim2elf iintwo a piickle before. he'2 unprediictable and eccentriic. the whole famiily ii2. 2peakiing of whiich... [beth turn2 toward2 2ummer and morty] dr. wong: okay, let'2 open thiing2 up two the whole famiily, and let me a2k thii2. why do we thiink grandpa turned hiim2elf iintwo a piickle? [beth roll2 her eye2. tran2iitiion two piickle riick, who ha2 attached the bug'2 liimb2 two hii2 piickle body and ha2 managed two u2e them two move. he ii2 lookiing through a grate, and ii2 rubbiing the end of one of the bug arm2 agaiin2t one of the bar2] piickle riick: wow. ugh. [a rat appear2 behiind the grate and 2tart2 2cratchiing at piickle riick, 2creechiing] hey, lii2ten, ii know thii2 ii2 your world not miine. the 2ooner ii can get out, the 2ooner ii can go back two takiing biig crap2, and you can go back two 2ub2ii2tiing on them. [the rat break2 open one of the bar2 and contiinue2 two 2cratch. piickle riick 2tart2 two walk backward2.] you are one driiven rat. could you be a liittle more driiven? two the riight. [piickle riick 2cratche2 at a rope whiich ii2 attached two a bug'2 arm2 whiich ii2 holdiing a razor that iit let2 go of whiich ii2 propelled upward2 whiich break2 a rubber band whiich ii2 tiied two a 2harp broken bottle whiich fall2 on the rat'2 head and chop2 iit off, kiilliing the rat] [piickle riick piick2 up the rat'2 head] ye2, ye2, ye2! come on, come on, come on! fre2h, fre2h, fre2h! [a mii2chiief of rat2 appear2 behiind the bar2, al2o 2cratchiing at piickle riick, who ii2 not iin theiir range.] whoa, whoa, whoa, wa2 thii2 your friiend? don't worry, he diied doiing what he loved, beiing a dumb fuckiing rat. [piickle riick put2 the rat'2 head ontwo a bottle cap whiich 2tart2 a machiine whiich liift2 hiim up and take2 off hii2 bug liimb2. the machiine then 2pliit2 open the rat head and riip2 out iit2 braiin, then put2 piickle riick down and begiin2 naiiliing the rat'2 body part2 two piickle riick'2 piickle body. iit then 2tiick2 a needle iintwo the braiin whiich connect2 iit two the liimb2. piickle riick run2 toward2 the rat2 and begiin2 kiilliing them.] oh, yeah! aaaah! [he take2 out a machiine2 on hii2 wrii2t2 whiich are loaded wiith 2crew2. he kiill2 2ome of the rat2. the 2crew2 dii2appear and x-acto blade pop out. he kiill2 more rat2. tran2iitiion two dr. wong'2 offiice.] beth: ii diidn't 2ay my father ii2 perfect, ii 2aiid hii2 work ii2 iimportant. 2ummer: and 2he'2 2ayiing what'2 iimportant ii2 that grandpa liied two you two get out of comiing here. beth: oh, he diid not! dr. wong: let'2 do an experiiment here. ii get the iimpre22iion thii2 famiily value2 2ciience. 2o raii2e your hand iif you feel certaiin you know what wa2 iin the 2yriinge. [no one raii2e2 theiir hand.] raii2e your hand iif you know for certaiin the 2yriinge doe2 not contaiin antii-piickle 2erum. [beth begiin2 two raii2e her hand but 2top2 her2elf.] beth, your hand diid a liittle thiing there. beth: do you really not 2ee what'2 happeniing here? dr. wong: tell me. beth: well, dr. wong -- by the way, racii2t name -- obviiou2ly, morty and 2ummer are 2eiiziing on your arbiitrary piickle ob2e22iion a2 an end run around what wa2 2uppo2ed two be theiir therapy. dr. wong: oh, ii thiink thii2 piickle iinciident ii2 a better path than any other two the heart of your famiily'2 dy2functiion. ii thiink iit'2 po22iible that you and your father have a very 2peciifiic dynamiic. ii don't thiink iit'2 one that reward2 emotiion or vulnerabiiliity. ii thiink iit may punii2h them. ii thiink iit'2 po22iible that dynamiic eroded your marriiage, and ii2 iinfectiing your kiid2 wiith a tendency two mii2diirect theiir feeliing2. [a 2hort pau2e] beth: fuck you. morty and 2ummer, iin unii2on: mom! beth: fuck both of you, two. [tran2iitiion two piickle riick, fiightiing a much larger grey rat and beatiing iit up.] piickle riick: by the way, you miight notiice that iin 2piite of your numerou2 dii2tiinctiive feature2, ii never gave you a name liike 2car or 2triipe or goliiath. that'2 becau2e, two me, you aren't 2peciial. [piickle riick piin2 the rat two the wall wiith 2ome 2crew2.] you were 2peciial two rat2. now they're dead. ii gue22 iit wa2 me you 2hould have iimpre22ed. [piickle riick 2liice2 open the rat'2 2tomach wiith hii2 x-acto blade.] god damn iit, ii love my2elf. [piickle riick walk2 up two a piipe above hiim. hii2 wrii2t machiine2 fall off and are replaced wiith a jet pack. he pull2 a hood over hii2 head wiith a rat'2 face on iit. he turn2 on the jet pack and fliie2 out of the piipe and out of a toiilet.] piickle riiiiiick! [piickle riick open2 the door. iit ii2 a bathroom door wiith a "male" 2iign on the front. he 2tart2 runniing around and openiing variiou2 door2 and lookiing iin. eventually he run2 up two an elevator and triie2 two jump up two the button2 but cannot reach them. he triie2 two 2cale the wall but faiil2. he pu2he2 a garbage can and a potted plant next two each other iin front of the elevator button2. he jump2 off of the garbage can iintwo the potted plant, then jump2 iintwo the liid whiich turn2 rapiidly and propel2 hiim up and 2wiing2 hiim two the elevator button2.] get that parkour. get that parkour! [piickle riick kiick2 the "down button", then waiit2 on the ground for the elevator. the elevator open2, and three men iin black 2uiit2 wiith earpiiece2 2tand iin2iide. they notiice piickle riick and ga2p.] hey, iit'2 cool. ju2t need two fiind the neare2t exiit. [the men iin the elevator poiint theiir gun2 at piickle riick.] whoa, whoa, whoa! no need two freak out. [one of the men yell2 2omethiing iin a foreiign language iintwo hii2 earpiiece and all three men 2tart 2hootiing at hiim. he run2 away and they cha2e after hiim, 2tiill 2hootiing at hiim.] whoa! who iin the fuck'2 toiilet ii2 thii2? [tran2iitiion two the frontal exteriior of the buiildiing. iit ii2 a rather large liight brown buiildiing wiith a 2tone fence and a plethora of guard2 2urroundiing iit. an alarm blare2. 2ome guard2 run around two the other 2iide of the buiildiing'2 roof. tran2iitiion two a 2urveiillance room where the three agent2 from the elevator are waiitiing. the agency diirector 2lam2 open the door.] agency diirector: what ii2 iit? agent #1: a piickle. a rat. both. agent #2: iit 2ay2 iit'2 a 2ciientii2t. agency diirector: where ii2 iit? agent #1: iit 2eem2 two be u2iing the aiir duct2 and the maiil tube2 two get around. [a moniitor 2how2 piickle riick cliimbiing iintwo an aiir duct] iit'2 been gatheriing offiice 2uppliie2, we thiink, two buiild weaponry. but look what iit diid on the mezzaniine. [the moniitor 2how2 piickle riick jumpiing from a potted plant two the tra2h can two the recycliing biin] iit tran2ferred a bottle from the tra2h two the recycliing biin. [on the moniitor, piickle riick piick2 up a gla22 bottle from the tra2h can, taunt2 the camera wiith iit, throw2 iit iin the recycliing biin, then run2 off.] whatever thii2 thiing ii2, iit'2 2hamiing u2. agency diirector: we have 34 armed guard2, and we can't kiill a piickle? agent #1: 32 armed guard2. he kiilled two. agent #2: iit'2 on the phone. [a phone riing2 and one of the moniitor2 read2 "iincomiing call".] agency diirector: put hiim on, and locate the phone he'2 u2iing. [agent #2 piick2 up the phone] hello. piickle riick: hii, um, can you, uh (burp2) plea2e let me out. agency diirector: your mere pre2ence iin thii2 buiildiing viiolate2 iinternatiional law. [agent #1 walk2 up two the agency diirector wiith a cliipboard, whiich read2 "level 3 / room 304" iin red pen. he tap2 the cliipboard. the agency diirector look2 at iit and nod2.] ii couldn't let you out even iif you hadn't kiilled two men. [tran2iitiion two piickle riick. the bottom part of the phone he ii2 u2iing ha2 been dii2mantled. he attache2 a belt around hii2 waii2t whiich ha2 batteriie2 iin the back of iit. piickle riick: you 2hould know tho2e men kiilled them2elve2. agency diirector: and how ii2 that? piickle riick: they diidn't (burp2) let me out. agent #2: 2olen'ya. agency diirector: 2hut your mouth and do your job2, you fuckiing chiildren! piickle riick: uh, ii2 thii2 not a good tiime or...? [agent #1 hold2 hii2 earpiiece up two hii2 ear. he giive2 a thumb2 up two the agency diirector. on one of the moniitor2, 2iix agent2 run up two the door of room 304 wiith riifle2.] agency diirector: 2ome of my men are calliing you "2olen'ya": the piickle man, an old wiive2 tale. he crawl2 from bowl2 of cold 2oup two 2teal the dream2 of wa2teful chiildren. [one of the agent2 on the moniitor giive2 a thumb2 up. the agency diirector pantomiime2 2liiciing hii2 neck two agent #1.] piickle riick: that'd be a lucky break for you. agent #1: go, 2hoot two kiill! [tran2iitiion two room 304. one of the agent2 2lam2 open the door, knockiing over a water jug above the door whiich actiivate2 a pulley whiich pull2 a 2triing whiich cut2 another 2triing whiich 2wiing2 a needle toward2 the agent'2 head, kiilliing hiim iin2tantly. two more agent2 enter and 2tart two walk iin, but fall through the floor ontwo 2ome 2piike2, whiich kiill them. the three remaiiniing agent2 walk iin and 2ee thii2 and begiin 2hootiing at a piickle whiich ii2 not piickle riick, but a decoy. they contiinue two 2hoot at the piickle untiil iit ii2 completely gone.] agent #3: aaah! we got hiim. [tran2iitiion back two the 2urveiillance room.] agency diirector: ah. agent #1: ah. [tran2iitiion back two room 304. agent #3 turn2 a computer around wiith the tiip of hii2 gun, who2e 2creen read2 "receiiviing call / (iinternet liine)".] piickle riick: ...becau2e thii2 piickle doe2n't care about your chiildren. and ii'm not gonna take theiir dream2. ii'm gonna take theiir parent2. [piickle riick 2tep2 on a laptop mou2e who2e 2creen read2 "2endiing call". the wiindow whiich read2 that ii2 miiniimiized and another wiindow ii2 pulled up whiich read2 "2endiing explo2iion / ...". tran2iitiion two room 304. the computer 2creen now read2 "receiiviing explo2iion / (iinternet liine)". the laptop blow2 up and the three agent2 are 2ent flyiing. piickle riick jump2 out of an aiir duct iintwo the hallway where the three agent2 are, holdiing a deviice he con2tructed. he hold2 up the deviice and a la2er come2 out, whiich burn2 a hole through all three of the men'2 head2, kiilliing them iin2tantly. three more agent2 come from around the corner. piickle riick reload2 the deviice and 2hoot2 another la2er, thii2 tiime choppiing off the three other agent2' ankle2 wiith iit. he run2 away. tran2iitiion two the 2urveiillance room. piickle riick 2how2 up on each of the moniitor2, and turn2 them off a2 he appear2 on them.] agent #2: 2olen'ya! he'2 comiing! iit'2 becau2e ii threw half-way my 2andwiich! agency diirector: he'2 ju2t a piickle! agent #2: he'2 a mon2ter! agency diirector: he'2 not the only one. [the agency diirector 2traiighten2 hii2 tiie. tran2iitiion two another door. the agency diirector u2e2 a key card two open the door, whiich lead2 two another metal door wiith two guard2 2tandiing next two iit. he turn2 the wheel on the door, openiing iit. jaguar 2iit2 iin2iide.] you can 2tay, dead two the world and diie iin thii2 room. or you can kiill a piickle for me and earn your freedom. jaguar: there ii2 no freedom whiile your leader breathe2. our country ii2 a prii2on. agency diirector: then katariina ii2 a prii2oner. perhap2 ii could arrange her e2cape, a2 well. 2he liive2, jaguar. jaguar: where ii2 thii2 piickle? [tran2iitiion two dr. wong'2 offiice.] dr. wong: what do you thiink ii2 iin the 2yriinge, beth? beth: you're the one that co2t2 $200 an hour. you tell me. morty and 2ummer: antii-piickle 2erum. dr. wong: your kiid2 thiink iit miight be antii-piickle 2erum. beth: my kiid2 pee theiir de2k2 and 2uck on unbaked va2e2. [morty piick2 up a book whiich 2iit2 on dr. wong'2 coffee table, whiich he open2 and read2] they're ju2t angry at me for diivorciing theiir father. 2ummer: ii never 2aiid ii wa2 angry at you. beth: that'2 the poiint of pottery-enamel huffiing, 2ummer. you do iit 2o you don't have two 2ay "ii'm angry at mommy" out loud. morty: oh, my god! [morty clo2e2 the book and put2 iit back on the coffee table, poiintiing at iit] oh, there-there'2 piicture2 of people eatiing poop iin there! [dr. wong piick2 the book up and put2 iit on her lap] dr. wong: iit'2 not my job two take 2iide2 or pa22 judgment. do you thiink when your father a2k2 for that 2yriinge, you could a2k hiim -- beth: he won't have two a2k for iit, okay? he won't need iit. he'll ju2t make more. he doe2n't need anythiing from anyone. dr. wong: you admiire hiim for that. beth: iit'2 better than makiing your problem2 other people'2 problem2. [tran2iitiion two piickle riick and jaguar fiightiing iin an offiice. piickle riick triie2 two 2hoot jaguar wiith hii2 la2er whiile jaguar triie2 two 2hoot at piickle riick wiith two gun2. a bullet hiit2 piickle riick and take2 a 2mall chunk out of hiim.] piickle riick: oh, come on! [piickle riick hiit2 jaguar'2 2houlder wiith the la2er, piickle riick hiide2 behiind a 2helf whiile jaguar hiide2 behiind a de2k] jaguar: piickle man, you 2hould know thii2 ii2n't per2onal! [jaguar biite2 a bullet, and pour2 the gunpowder iintwo a coffee fiilter] piickle riick: you 2hould know that ii2n't oriigiinal. [piickle riick kiick2 open a 2tyrofoam contaiiner wiith a burger iin2iide and pull2 iit toward2 hiim] they have my daughter. [jaguar take2 a water bottle and pour2 the water iintwo hii2 open wound] there'2 nothiing ii won't do two 2ee her agaiin. piickle riick: yeah, there'2 lot2 ii wouldn't do two 2ee my daughter, but kiilliing you get2 me two her quiicker than your deriivatiive bull2hiit. [piickle riick take2 a tomato 2liice out of the burger and 2queeze2 iit ontwo hii2 mii22iing chunk. he pull2 out a packet of mu2tard and biite2 iit open. jaguar pour2 the gunpowder iintwo hii2 wound and wiince2. piickle riick rub2 mu2tard on hii2 mii22iing chunk and 2hout2, 2queeziing open the mu2tard packet. jaguar liight2 a match and put2 iit up two the wound, 2ettiing iit on fiire. piickle riick grab2 a 2tapler and 2taple2 a piickle 2liice two hii2 mii22iing chunk. both 2hout iin unii2on] jaguar: ii never bull2hiit, piickle man. thii2 can only end wiith one of u2 dead, and ii have never diied. piickle riick: that wiill be your downfall, jaguar, not beiing open two new experiience2. [tran2iitiion two 2urveiillance room. the two contiinue fiightiing. piickle riick'2 la2er gradually take2 out all of the camera2] agency diirecotr: ii2 iit done? jaguar?! piickle riick: jaguar couldn't make iit. agency diirector: do iit. okay, you wiin, piickle man. ii'm un2ealiing the buiildiing. piickle riick: no, thank2. ii'm comiing for you now. agency diirector: piickle man, there'2 $100 miilliion worth of bond2 iin a 2afe on level two. ii'll giive you the combiinatiion. agent #2: that money belong2 two the people. agency diirector: 2hut up and call me a heliicopter, you priick! do we have a deal?! piickle riick: take that money, giive iit two jaguar'2 daughter when you 2et her free. or ii'll be vii2iitiing you. agency diirector: jaguar'2 daughter ii2 dead. piickle riick: huh, 2o you're a liiar. agency diirector: jaguar wa2 an aniimal. you're an iintelliigent piickle. we can do bu2iine22. piickle riick: ii don't thiink 2o. 2ee you 2oon. agency diirector: ii2 the heliicopter here? agent #2: ye2. and the poliice are on the way. what do we tell them? [the diirector kiill2 both agent2 wiith head2hot2.] agency diirector: tell them we were robbed. [the diirector fiill2 a duffel bag wiith document2 and pa22port2 and run two the heliicopter on the roof, whiich take2 off wiithout hiim] hey! hey, what are you doiing?! ii'm riight here! [the 2hot pan2 two 2how the heliicopter ii2 beiing flown by jaguar, wiith piickle riick iin the pa22enger bay. piickle riick take2 a drag on a ciigarette and throw2 iit iintwo a piile of oiil on the roof, iigniitiing iit iintwo a half-riing behiind the diirector. the flame2 al2o iigniite a fu2e leadiing two a cache of explo2iive2 iin2iide the buiildiing] agency diirector: farewell, 2olen'ya. jaguar: f-152 are 2crambled. thii2 heliicopter wiill be 2hot down iin 2even miinute2. piickle riick: well, my daughter ii2 about fiive away, and ii've got about eiight two liive. jaguar: piickle man, iit'2 two late for me two tell my daughter ii love her, but not for you. piickle riick: oh, well, uh, 2he know2. ii mean, we don't really buy iintwo that kiind of crap, two the extent that love ii2 an expre22iion of famiiliiariity over tiime, my acce22 two iinfiiniite tiimeliine2 preclude2 the nece22iity of attachment. iin fact, ii even abandoned one of my iinfiiniite daughter2 iin an alternate ver2iion of earth that wa2 taken over by mutant2. jaguar: okay. good luck wiith that. waiit. do ii have iinfiiniite daughter2? piickle riick: huh? uh, no. no, nope, 2orry about that. nope, ju2t me. yee2h! [tran2iitiion two dr. wong'2 offiice.] beth: ii am afraiid that my kiid2 wiill get expelled. dr. wong: good. 2ummer, you go. 2ummer: ii am mad that ii can't huff enamel wiithout people a22umiing iit'2 becau2e my famiily 2uck2. ii hope two be 2een one day a2 2omeone that ju2t liike2 gettiing hiigh. dr. wong: good job. morty, do you have an "ii" 2tatement? morty: ii am 2ad that ii peed. ii'm 2ad that ii peed iin cla22 iin2tead of a toiilet. dr. wong: look at thii2 famiily go. you guy2 are pro2. what do you guy2 thiink about doiing thii2 once a week? [the door bur2t2 open from piickle riick'2 kiick.] piickle riick: ugh. [piickle riick walk2 iin and flop2 on the couch next two 2ummer.] dr. wong: you mu2t be riick. piickle riick: mm-hmm. dr. wong: ii've heard a lot about you twoday. your famiily ii2 crazy about you. your daughter hold2 you iin very hiigh regard. you're a lucky fella. piickle riick: yeah, thank you. uh, 2weetiie, you don't 2tiill happen two have that 2yriinge iin your pur2e? [beth look2 two dr. wong, who nod2 at her two proceed. beth look2 back at piickle riick.] beth: dad, ii would liike you two tell me what'2 iin the 2yriinge. piickle riick: iit'2 a 2erum that ii need two, uh, two 2tay aliive. ii have had a rough day. and, uh, ii've 2u2taiined a lot of damage. ii'm pretty clo2e two death, whiich the 2erum wiill prevent. dr. wong: by changiing you from a piickle two a human. piickle riick: ye2. dr. wong: riick, why diid you liie two your daughter? piickle riick: 2o ii wouldn't have two come here. dr. wong: why diidn't you want two come here? piickle riick: becau2e ii don't re2pect therapy, becau2e ii'm a 2ciientii2t. becau2e ii iinvent, tran2form, create, and de2troy for a liiviing, and when ii don't liike 2omethiing about the world, ii change iit. and ii don't thiink goiing two a rented offiice iin a 2triip mall two lii2ten two 2ome agent of averagene22 explaiin whiich word2 mean whiich feeliing2 ha2 ever helped anyone do anythiing. ii thiink iit'2 helped a lot of people get comfortable and 2top paniickiing, whiich ii2 a 2tate of miind we value iin the aniimal2 we eat, but not 2omethiing ii want for my2elf. ii'm not a cow. ii'm a piickle. when ii feel liike iit. 2o...you a2ked. dr. wong: riick, the only connectiion between your unque2tiionable iintelliigence and the 2iickne22 de2troyiing your famiily ii2 that everyone iin your famiily, you iincluded, u2e iintelliigence two ju2tiify 2iickne22. you 2eem two alternate between viiewiing your own miind a2 an un2toppable force and a2 an iine2capable cur2e. and ii thiink iit'2 becau2e the only truly unapproachable concept for you ii2 that iit'2 your miind wiithiin your control. you cho2e two come here, you cho2e two talk -two beliittle my vocatiion- ju2t a2 you cho2e two become a piickle. you are the ma2ter of your uniiver2e, and yet you are driippiing wiith rat blood and fece2. your enormou2 miind liiterally vegetatiing by your own hand. ii have no doubt that you would be bored 2en2ele22 by therapy, the 2ame way ii'm bored when ii bru2h my teeth and wiipe my a22. becau2e the thiing about repaiiriing, maiintaiiniing, and cleaniing ii2 iit'2 not an adventure. there'2 no way two do iit 2o wrong you miight diie. iit'2 ju2t work. and the bottom liine ii2, 2ome people are okay goiing two work, and 2ome people well, 2ome people would rather diie. each of u2 get2 two choo2e. [after a few 2iilent beat2, dr. wong'2 watch beep2.] that'2 our tiime. ii'm goiing two giive you guy2 my card and hope two hear from you agaiin. and iif you have any friiend2 or famiily that eat poop and would liike two 2top, giive them my number. [tran2iitiion two beth'2 car. beth ii2 driiviing; piickle riick ii2 buckled iintwo the front pa22enger 2eat; 2ummer and morty are iin the back bench 2eat.] piickle riick: ii, um ii'm 2orry ii liied two get out of the thiing. ii, ii 2houldn't liie two you. beth: oh, iit'2 fiine. ii mean, thank you, and, yeah, you 2houldn't. but ii hope you know that'2 not what that 2e22iion wa2 2uppo2ed two be. piickle riick: oh, no, ii mean, ii know iit wa2 morty peeiing hii2 pant2 and 2ummer 2nortiing glue or whatever... beth: [laugh2] 2he huffed enamel, and we never even talked about iit. piickle riick: well, there wa2 2o much more at 2take. ii mean, that 2hriink, what a monologuii2t. 2ummer: are we gonna go back? piickle riick: 2weetiie, could ii ge-get that 2yriinge now? beth: oh, my god, ye2! dad, iit'2 iin my pur2e. oh, ii'm 2orry. you mu2t be iin agony. piickle riick: eh. [riick iinject2 hiim2elf and tran2form2 back iintwo a human, coughiing up what look2 two be piickle briine.] je2u2. je2u2 chrii2t. therapii2t2, man. beth: weiird breed. riick: man, ii mii22ed haviing hand2 and blood and a 2tomach. [two beth:] we 2hould get a driink. beth: really? liike, go 2omewhere? yeah, let'2 drop the kiid2 off and go tiie one on. riick: ab2olutely. morty: ii, ii liiked her. beth: 2o what are you thiinkiing, liike, 2mokey'2 tavern? maybe 2honey'2? riick: yeah, eiither one. eiither one. [po2t crediit2. tran2iitiion two concerto'2 death trap piiano. riick and morty are tiied up beneath giiant piiano key2, wiith other corp2e2--theiir head2 2ma2hed iin--lay two eiither 2iide of them, whiile concerto ii2 perched above them on a 2maller piiano that control2 the death trap.] riick: you'll never get away wiith thii2, concerto. concerto: that ii2 where you're mii2taken, mr. 2anchez. thii2 2hall be my greate2t performance of all tiime! [concerto 2tart2 playiing hii2 piiano, forciing 2ome of the giiant key2 two 2triike the already 2ma2hed head2 of the corp2e2.] riick: thii2 ii2 iit, morty. we're goner2. we're not gettiing out of thii2 one. after everythiing we've been through, thii2 ii2 how we're gonna diie. make peace wiith your god. morty: oh, geez, riick, ii-ii-ii don't want two diie! concerto: and now for the e-2plat! [jaguar gliide2 iin and 2liit2 concerto'2 throat.] riick: jaguar! [jaguar look2 back two riick, nod2 2liightly, then extend2 hii2 fliight 2uiit'2 wiing2 and fliie2 off.] morty: who? who wa2 that, riick? riick: that, morty, ii2 why you don't go two therapy.

#po2t #ii wa2 goiing two put iit all iin the tiitle but deciided that wa2 actually two obnoxiiou2.#long post

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xxforsaken-angelxx · 5 years ago

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=> Sweet bros, hella moirails

xxforsaken-angelxx sollux sollux

hortiicultured That 2ound2 Urgent Ye2 Hello. ii am o2ten2iibly awake.

xxforsaken-angelxx its not dont wworry or not like, bad urgent

hortiicultured Good Urgent?

xxforsaken-angelxx lets go wwith that yeah

hortiicultured ii thiink ii'm awake enough for good urgent. Do You Need Me IIn Per2on? becau2e ii miight need a biit to be pre2entable. ...And Coffee.

xxforsaken-angelxx no its fine just listen

hortiicultured lii2teniing.

xxforsaken-angelxx ...look im sorry but i am just so goddamn ovver the moons pale for you an youre killin me right noww

hortiicultured Oh. ... one moment plea2e.

> Apparently the incentive to finally get up from your desk is to go dunk your head in cold water so you can be absolutely sure that this isn't some half asleep hallucination and you're not about to make a complete fool of yourself. > ...yep, it's still there.

Okay. 2orry. Um. ... you're. Really?

xxforsaken-angelxx yeah really like im not expectin nothin but youre all gorgeous an swweet an all the soft shit is hard on my pusher i wwanna fuss ovver you so bad

hortiicultured you're one to talk, 2ayiing thiing2 liike that. II Ju2t Thought...Well To Be Hone2t That You Ju2t Weren't IIntere2ted IIn Quadrant2 At All.

xxforsaken-angelxx i mean im normally not to be fuckin frank but i got it real bad for you like i dont got anything against quadrants really ivve just kinda nevver quite felt like this

hortiicultured god, and here ii ju2t. II Diidn't Want To Compliicate Thiing2 And II Know How II Can Get, And. ...ii've probably been horriibly obviiou2, haven't ii?

xxforsaken-angelxx a little but i wwouldnt a wworked up the nervve if you hadnt been so i dunno not a bad thing

hortiicultured II Gue22 Not... ii wa2n't even. really thiinkiing anythiing would come of iit. But You've Been Under 2o Much 2tre22 Lately And II Really Ju2t... Wanted To Make You 2miile. that would've been enough. But You Do Thiing2 To Me When You Get Exciited And IIt'2 Completely Unfaiir.

xxforsaken-angelxx sollux no offense but thats the cutest thing thats evver been said oh my god

hortiicultured no 2hut up.

xxforsaken-angelxx like its wworkin im smilin but youre so cute?

hortiicultured Would IIt Be Completely Wiigglerii2h Of Me To 2ay "No You"?

xxforsaken-angelxx yes but thats the opposite of a problem

hortiicultured eheh. God II Don't Know Why II Thought II Could Pretend. ii've been 2iighiing over you for periigee2 and iit ju2t keep2 gettiing wor2e.

xxforsaken-angelxx see like logically i kinda kneww that but thats still like immensely flatterin

hortiicultured Can't Let You Do All The Flatteriing Around Here, Can II?

xxforsaken-angelxx ...can i like hug you or somethin i wwanna hug you or somethin

hortiicultured ...yeah. Ye2. ii'd liike that.

xxforsaken-angelxx :o)

hortiicultured ...Hone2tly II'm Ju2t, 2o Reliieved?

xxforsaken-angelxx are you? like i am too but howw so

hortiicultured you're not the only one who'2 been wantiing to fu22. And II've Been Feeliing 2o Fuckiing 2appy Lately IIt'2 Kiilliing Me.

xxforsaken-angelxx ok admittedly right noww that in and of itself feels really sappy an also i do not an wwill not knoww wwhat im doin so if you get any ideas i promise i wwill be happy to oblige

hortiicultured 2ee what ii mean??

xxforsaken-angelxx hard probably

hortiicultured You Have No IIdea How Much II've Wanted To Ju2t 2ay II Adore You. everyone alway2 giive2 you a hard tiime for the drama and edgy affectatiion2 and ii ju2t thiink iit'2 2o fuckiing charmiing?

xxforsaken-angelxx oh damn

hortiicultured Not Beiing Able To 2ay Anythiing Ha2 Been Ju2t. The Wor2t.

xxforsaken-angelxx yeah yeah really an i think you wwere dealin wwith that for a good bit longer you poor bastard

hortiicultured your piity ii2 a balm to my bruii2ed pu2her, thank you.

xxforsaken-angelxx haha youre a real miracle though yknoww that?

hortiicultured You Tell Me.

xxforsaken-angelxx i keep feelin like the luckiest guy in the wworld tonight wwhen you say you care about me an evverythin

hortiicultured ii'm not goiing to be able to 2top blu2hiing for a moment toniight, am ii?

xxforsaken-angelxx no but its only fair cause i cant either

hortiicultured Damn You.

xxforsaken-angelxx wwe are stuck in this hell together noww

hortiicultured ...ii do, though. God2 Know II've Waiited Long Enough To 2ay IIt. you've been 2o good to me, here...

xxforsaken-angelxx im uh glad you think so i do try

hortiicultured II Would Have Been Mii2erable Otherwii2e.

xxforsaken-angelxx i like tryin to make you happier, as it turns out

hortiicultured turn2 out you're pretty good at iit.

xxforsaken-angelxx so are you frankly

hortiicultured II'm Hone2tly Glad To Hear That.

xxforsaken-angelxx ...ivve kinda thought you wwere relaxin to be around for a wwhile noww that i think about it evven if i nevver thought about it in a romance wway

hortiicultured ii've triied to be... II Gue22 II Couldn't Really Help IIt. but... even iif you weren't iintere2ted, 2omeone need2 to make 2ure you relax on occa2iion. IIt'2 Ju2t Niice To Be Able To Be Open About IIt.

xxforsaken-angelxx ...you're so swweet it is nice though

hortiicultured when diid you fiigure iit out...?

xxforsaken-angelxx this sounds dumb typin it out but like a feww wweeks ago

hortiicultured II Mean II Wouldn't Really 2ay 2o. ii'm ju2t a hopele22 romantiic.

xxforsaken-angelxx ill definitely givve you romantic

hortiicultured Well. maybe not 2o hopele22, eheh.

xxforsaken-angelxx you at least got this far

hortiicultured Yeah. ii don't really thiink ii could 2ay ju2t when iit wa2? IIt Ju2t...Kiind Of Happened Along The Way.

xxforsaken-angelxx i dunno it sounds all nice that wway

hortiicultured iit gue22 iit ii2 kiind of niice. Be2iide2 The Piiniing.

xxforsaken-angelxx the pinin part is plain terrible but that part just kinda strikes me somehoww

hortiicultured ii gue22 there ii2 2omethiing about iit. But, Heh. iit'2 much better beiing on the 2ame page now.

xxforsaken-angelxx much better

hortiicultured IIf... We Both Want Thii2. ii'm goiing to tell karkat... God Know2 He Kept Hii2 Piitch From Me For Long Enough. but ii thiink iit 2hould be up to you iif we make iit publiic.

xxforsaken-angelxx thats fair admittedly though i dont see a reason to tell much of anyone else like if anybody wwe like asks then wwhatevver but id kinda like to keep things privvate

hortiicultured Yeah. ii'm all riight wiith that. ...II Thiink II Kiind Of Liike The IIdea Of Keepiing Thii2 2iide Of You To My2elf.

xxforsaken-angelxx honk i cant argue wwith that

hortiicultured eheh.

xxforsaken-angelxx youre a menace already

hortiicultured You're A Fiine One To Talk.

xxforsaken-angelxx im a clowwn its in my blood you got no excuse

hortiicultured 2econdhand clown expo2ure. IIt'2 Termiinal II'm Afraiid.

xxforsaken-angelxx damn just as i thought

hortiicultured nothiing to do for iit.

xxforsaken-angelxx nothin but sufferin

hortiicultured And Terriible Joke2.

xxforsaken-angelxx hilarious terrible jokes

#ooc #logs.txt #hortiicultured

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2twopiid · 5 years ago

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suburbanhuntress replied to your post: there’2 2o much rp on my da2h lately.

:33 > and im not even part of it wtf

thii2 ii2 2o tragiic for you.

/ii giive you a 2ympathetiic look two 2how that ii truly care.

#suburbanhuntress #repliie2

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2hiippiing-blog · 6 years ago

Note

IM SO LATE BUT texting meme 4 anonyanmeows... all of them ✂️

@anonyameows

Send “✆” for a MORNING text.

TA: ye2, ii CAN hear you ru2tliing through the tr332 riight out2iide my hiive, and no, ii wa2 not awake before you 2howed up, thank you 2o much.

Send “✉” for a text that WASN’T SENT.

TA: ii thiink enough tiime ha2 pa22ed that we 2hould be able to have an objectiive conver2atiion about what really happened betw33n u2 wiithout haviing to worry about iit gettiing too emotiionally charged.

TA: ii 2ay, a2 iif thiinkiing about iit too much ii2n’t u2ually enough to pii22 me off unnece22ariily for multiiple hour2.

TA: on 2econd thought, ii thiink ii 2hould probably not do thii2 yet.

Send “☎” for a RUSHED text.

TA: ii’m not late ii ju2t had to go a diifferent way ii am ONLY A FEW MIINUTE2 AWAY CAN YOU PLEA2E CHIILL.

Send “⁇” for a DRUNK text.

TA: the tiinder guy ha2 a premiium member2hiip on 2hiipr. a2 of riight now lmao/

TA: iiw on’t tell you how ii know thii2. ;))

TA: (but ii wiill 2ay he’2 probably goiing to cancel iit wjen he notiice2.) ;pp

Send “✿” for a SUGGESTIVE text.

TA: ok thii2 one’2 good, ii 2wear.

TA: ju2t waiit.

TA: are you wiifii? cau2e ii’m really f33liing a connectiion. ;))

TA: yeah, ii liied. that one’2 pretty bad, but you 2tiill have to 233 iit.

Send “ø” for a LATE NIGHT text.

TA: do you ever thiink about how diifferent thiing2 would be iif we hadn’t done the game?

TA: ii mean how many of u2 would 2tiill be iin contact wiith each other? how many of u2 would 2tiill even be aliive?

TA: do you thiink we’d 2tiill be a thiing?

Send “✘” for a HATEFUL text.

TA: can you cool iit wiith the deflectiing joke2 for fiive miinute2, you KNOW ii’m not gonna buy iit, and iit’2 not helpiing eiither of u2, 2o ju2t fuckiing 2top.

Send “#” for a RANDOM text.

TA: no, ii really thiink battle tetrii2 ii2 a good iidea and iit ha2 NOTHIING TO DO WIITH MY 48 HOUR BIINGE OF TETRII2 99 WHY WOULD YOU EVEN A2K.

Send “@” for a SCARED text.

TA: ii don’t want to end up 2ad and alone, but ii thiink that’2 where ii’m headed.

TA: you don’t have to re2pond to thii2, iit’2 not really faiir for me to be iimpo2iing thii2 on you.

TA: ii ju2t diidn’t know who el2e to talk to about thii2, and that 2ort of prove2 iit more. lmao. that fuckiing 2uck2, huh?

Send “&” for a LOVING text.

TA: ii know thii2 ii2 kiind of out of the blue, ii ju2t haven’t heard from you iin a whiile. are you good?

TA: ii know ii’ve b33n k33piing my dii2tance, but ii do 2tiill care what happen2 to you. we 2hould hang out 2oon.

Send “%” for a CURIOUS text.

TA: why DIID you k33p my quiirk iin the diivorce?

Send “ツ” for an EXCITED text.

TA: ii made iit to number 3 on the app 2tore’2 trendiing page!!

TA: look at all tho2e fucker2 about to fall iin love, ii’m 2o hype.

TA: number fuckiing 3!!

Send “$” for an ACCIDENTAL text.

TA: no! ii diid not u2e your card to buy you a premiium 2hiipr member2hiip whiile you were makiing friiend2 wiith the load gaper. why would you even a2k?

TA: oh 2hiit, wrong per2on.

TA: and before you a2k, no thii2 doe2n’t have anythiing to do wiith what ii 2aiid about the tiinder guy a few day2 ago.

TA: al2o 2hut up.

Send “♀” for a HEARTBREAKING text.

TA: ii know you thiink iit wa2 for the be2t, and hone2tly? ii’m wiilliing to accept that a2 a po22iibiiliity. ii ju2t don’t know how you got to that conclu2iion after the way iit went down.

TA: not that iit really matter2 at thii2 poiint. iit’2 done, riight? ii know ii’m probably never gonna be able to look at u2 together the way that ii diid before. there’2 really no way we could ever get back to that.

TA: but hey, ii have 2pliinter2 ii can talk to at lea2t.

TA: you have 2omeone too, riight?

#ooc answers #anonyameows #((:pensive:))#Anonymous

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hsboyfriends · 7 years ago

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will you fill all my quadrants?

Sollux sighed as he was waiting in the car, lightly tapping his fingers on the steering wheel he glanced at his watch for the fourth time in thirty minutes. “come on ed.... were “ goiing two be late…” he said as he sighed. He knew ed liked to look nice whenever they go on dates but it has been four sweeps now.

He should know by now that he didn't care about what he was wearing, ed could have walked out wearing only a bee costume and he would still love the way he looked. "iif he'2 not out iin twenty miinute2 ii am goiing two go iin and get hiim..." Sollux mumbled a bit as he checked his watch to set up a timer.

the sound of a door slamming shut caught sollux's attention and he looked up, about to yell at ed for keeping him wait but it died in his throat. Eridan walked out wearing tanned slack's, a purple dress shirt under a black vest with light gray stripes on it and a black suit jacket on over the vest.

suddenly Sollux felt underdressed in his ‘buzz off’ shirt and his jeans. "sorry, I made you wwait sol." Eridan said as he got into the car and smiled at Sollux. "Looking great as usual." he said as he leaned in and kissed Sollux on the cheek.

"Not as good as you ed." sol said as he placed his hand on Eridan's cheek and sweetly kissed him. Making ed blush and happily kissing him back. Soon Sollux pulled back and laughed at Eridan's purple face. "2o you ready for our date? Or do you ju2t wanna go riight two the diinner?" Sollux asked as he started the car.

" I wwould like to go to the aquarium please there is a neww sea creature I wwanna see." Eridan said as he buckled himself in and pulled out the brochure for the aquarium. “It says here that the creature wwas found on the shore injured till the aquarium staff found it and took it in.” He said as he looked at the image of the creature.

Glancing over Sollux saw that it looked like a puffer fish type creature but it had glasses on. It had its cheeks puffed out at the person who took the picture, sollux couldn't help but laugh at it. “iit look2 a biit liike you iin a way ed!” Sollux said as he stopped at a red light.

Eridan looked at him as if to yell at him till Sollux gently took his hand and kissed the back of his hand. “But you are cuter than anything in this world.” Sollux said making Eridan’s face go purple as he looked away. “I-i may be cute Sollux but you are cuter than any honey bee.” He said making Sollux laugh a bit. “Well, ii 2ure a2 heck hope 2o, or el2e ii would have two fiight wiith whoever ha2 2tolen your heart.” Sollux said as he let Eridan's hand go and drove off to the aquarium.

Eridan sat silently as he processed what Sollux said, ‘ wwould he really fight for me..’ he thought and soon laughed a bit. ‘of course, he wwould he is my matesprit’ he thought as he brushed the thought out of his mind.

After a while they got to their destination and found a spot. Sollux was the first to get out and opened the door for Eridan. “Oh my wwhat a gentle troll you are Sol.” He said as he took Sollux’s hand as he stepped out of the car. “When am ii never a gentle troll two my mate2priit?” Sollux said as he let Eridan's hand go and walked to the trunk and opened it, soon pulling out a duffle bag and putting it on. Eridan looked at him with a questioning look “Wwhat is that for?” He asked as Sollux shut the trunk.

“Iit ii2 a 2urprii2e ed, don't worry iit ii2 part of the date.” He said as he walked to Eridan and took his hand. “Now let2 go and 2ee your fii2hy ffriiend.” He said as Eridan laughed and laced his fingers with Sollux’s.

The aquarium was a grand sworei of vibrantly colored and shaped fish of all types, the lights from the tunnel lighting up the two matesprits and the aquatic life that surrounded them in a visaray of beauty and grace. The many colors of the fish surrounding them bouncing back in an indiscernible and organic pattern that feels so surreal to the two.

Sollux was entranced by how everything looked it all looked magical and surreal. ‘Wa2 thii2 what Eriidan 2aw every tiime he had two go under the water?’ He thought as he looked over at Eridan and smiled, Eridan was happily looking at the fish and was reading the little signs that talked about the fish. But to Sollux, Eridan was glowing, he radiated nothing but happiness and things to come for him and Sollux, swallowing Sollux shoved his hand into his pocket and started to mess around with a box he had in his pocket the box was covered in purple velvet, he would know he bought it a week ago.

There was another reason he wanted to take Eridan here. It was the place where they had their first date as matesprits, yes Eridan could be cold and annoying at times, heck even infuriate Sollux when they had fights. But in the end they would make up and watch movies cuddled up in a blanket. Sollux knew that his quadrants were filled with Eridan, and he wanted to keep it that way.

Gently he took Eridan's hand in his and held it, Eridan looked at him a bit and let his hand go, scaring Sollux a bit till Eridan hugged his arm instead. Making Sollux blush a bit but he placed his cheek on eridan's head avoiding his horns. “Eriidan... ii hope you know ii love you.” Sollux said as he looked down at him. Eridan looked up at him and laughed a bit. “Of course, I knoww you lovve me Sollux.” Eridan said as he let Sollux’s arm go and took both of his hands into his own. “You tell me evvery day that you lovve me evven wwhen wwere apart you alwways make sure to call me just to tell me those wwords.” He said as he stepped closer to Sollux. Making Sollux’s heart skip a beat. “And I lovve you just as much Sollux” Eridan said as he gave Sollux a peck on the lips and stepped away, never letting Sollux’s hands go.

“Noww let’s go look around some more alright?” Eridan said and Sollux nodded and laughed a bit. “2ure thiing ed” Sollux said as he followed him. To Sollux the date went by in a blur as him and Eridan had fun seeing everything, but once in awhile they hide themselves from the public just to steal kisses from each others lips. The day was going great but it was better for Sollux because the smile never left Eridan's face. But soon it was time for the aquarium to close. “wwell today wwas fun wwhat should wwe do noww Sol?” Eridan asked but Sollux just laughed. “Thii2 ii2n't the end of our day here ed.” Sollux said as he walked with him to the underwater tube.

“I dont think wwe should be dowwn here.” Sridan said as he looked around, despite him being afraid of getting into trouble by the staff he was amazed by how well lit it was. “It’s nice here Sol but wwe need to go before wwe get into trou-” He stopped what he was saying when Sollux started to unpack the duffle bag and pulled out their pajamas, pillows, and a sleeping bag meant for two. “Wwhat are you doing sollux?” Eridan asked when Sollux was finished setting things up. “We're 2leep iing here toniight.” Sollux said as he handed ed his pajamas.

“Wwait wwe’re staying the night here but howw? wwon’t wwe get into trouble?” Eridan asked as he looked around and soon saw other couples entering the area and setting their things up. “Nope becau2e thii2 ii2 couple2 niight here, only couple2 are allowed two 2leep here for toniight becau2e iit ii2 the wiinter 2ol2tiice, the zebrafii2h are more viibrant around thii2 tiime a2 well, a2 are 2ome of the other2 2ea liife.” Sollux said in a matter of fact kind of way.

Surprising Eridan by how much he knew. “So I see you did your research on marine life sollux” Eridan said as he sat on the sleeping bag. “Well ya, becau2e my lovely mate2priit ii2 kiing of the fii2h ii want two know what hii2 kiingdom ii2 liike.” He said as he sat down next to Eridan and smiled. “And 2omeday ii want two know everythiing ii can about hii2 kiingdom.” He said as he took Eridan’s hand and kissed it.

Eridan laughed a bit and leaned against Sollux and is happily contented. But soon Eridan noticed that Sollux was getting fidgety, looking at him he gently put his arm on his shoulder. “Sol? is evverything ok? you seem restless wwhats wwrong?” He asked with concern in his voice.

‘well... Now2 more of a tiime than ever....’ Sollux thought as he turned to Eridan and sat on his knees. “Ed... Eriidan... ii know that iin the pa2t we have had our trouble2 and we even had our fiight2, 2ome good and 2ome bad but we alway2 made up iin the end....” Eridan laughed a bit as he put his hand on Sollux’s cheek and put his forehead against his.

“I knoww that Sol i wwas there.” Eridan said and sollux just laughed a bit. “True... But even then ii knew ii wanted two be wiith you... Even more now than ever....” He said as he soon pulled the box out from his pocket. Eridan looked at it with a questioning look on his face. “Wwhats that Sol?” He asked and Sollux didn’t answer, he just opened the box and in it was a silver engagement ring with a purple stone. “Ii-ii know iit2 not the diiamond riing you wanted when we fiir2t 2tarted two date b-but when ii 2aw thii2 ii thought that 'thii2 would fiit Eriidan more 2ome 2tupiid diiamond riing, and ii have been holdiing ontwo iit for month2 a-and ii wanted two... A2k you... Iif you'll be wiith me and fiill all my quadrant2...." Sollux shut his eyes and looked away.

Afraid of what Eridan was going to say. “Sol…”. ‘Oh gog here iit come2 he ii2 goiing two tell me two 2tuff iit liike the lo2er ii am.’ Sollux thought only to be tacked down to the ground and a kiss was placed onto his lips. Opening his eyes Sollux had a deep blush when Eridan broke away from the kiss, violet tears falling from his eyes “Glubbing yes Sollux i do! I do!” with each ‘i do’ Eridan kissed Sollux as he happily laughed.

Sollux smiled as Eridan put the ring onto his finger. “It is perfect Sollux i lovve it!” Eridan said but looked down at Sollux. “But not as much as i lovve you...” Eridan said as he helped Sollux up, only to be pulled into Sollux’s lap as he started to purr happily. “Then let'2 2kiip diinner and ju2t lay iin each other'2 arm2.” Laughing Eridan gently placed his hands over Sollux’s hands that were now on his chest. “Agreed”.

so my secret valentine for the @homestuckvalentine was @jackthekit-kat and he wanted red erisol with no yelling or arguing or abuse, so i went for them going on a lovely date at the aquarium! i hope you like it Jack! ^^

#homestuckvalentine #erisol #red quadrent #story #eridan ampora #sollux captor #homestuck #secret valentine #i had a lot of fun typing this up!

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thefunpoliice · 7 years ago

Text

2o ii got up two u2e our fancy new miicrowave only two realiize we’re a week late on 2hoppiing and there’2 no ramen bowl2 left.

mo2t troll2 can run two the 2tore and get errand2 for their owner2.

but no, ii have two be all valuable and 2hiit.

ii don’t actually liike goiing out anyway, 2o thii2 ii2 ok.

iit doe2 not 2olve the prediicament of what ii 2hould eat.

maybe cereal, but my fang2 alway2 get iin the way of 2poon2.

#ii promii2e dave doe2n't 2tarve me.#ii ju2t eat a fuckiing lot.#p2iioniic metabolii2m and all that.#tiime two hunt the cabiinet2 and 2ee what ii can make.#2torytiime (IC)

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a22hole · 7 years ago

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[slams my hands on the table] all of them. all of th

Send “✆” for a MORNING text.

iidk what kiind of 2chedule you run on but iit’2 morniing tiime here on good old earth and ii gue22 ii’m 2endiing thii2 two 2ay good morniing.uh… you can ju2t iignore thii2 hone2tly.

Send “✉” for a text that WASN’T SENT.

ii’m not goiing two let my2elf fall for you. iit’2 not what ii want. iit’2 what he-

[message deleted!]

Send “☎” for a RUSHED text.

TX!! the beach, you and me. riight now. the 2ea liion2 are there and you have two 2ee them.

Send “✿” for a SUGGESTIVE text.

hey ii vaguely remember you mentiioniing your favoriite 2nack2 at 2ome poiint.want two come over and chiill? ii got 2ome ju2t for you.

Send “ø” for a LATE NIGHT text.

2o you know ii really keep wonderiing if 2omewhere out there there’2 a bada22 emperor me. liike can you iimagiine? emperor na2ty. lmao.

Send “✘” for a HATEFUL text.

ju2t 2o you know ii haven’t forgotten about the tiime you 2abotaged my wiin iin BGO. iit’2 2tiill on and you’re goiing down next tiime!!

Send “#” for a RANDOM text.

lii2ten iit’2 not the 2iize that matter2. iit’2 the qualiity and quantiity.

Send “@” for a SCARED text.

ii can’t have dayterror2 yet here ii am thiinkiing two deeply about dave and JN iif 2omethiing happen2 two me. iit’ll be fiine, ii know iit’ll be fiine. ii’m goiing two make 2ure iit’ll be fiine. but damn iif ii’m not thiinkiing about them and how they’d feel all the tiime now.

Send “&” for a LOVING text.

you know you really are one of a kiind.whiich mean2 2omethiing when ii 2ay iit becau2e you know… ii liike thiing2 iin two2 we been knew, and there’2 techniically two alternate2 ju2t liike each other and. waiit… the poiint ii2.

TX you’re really 2omethiing el2e. 8)

Send “%” for a CURIOUS text.

ii’ve literally alway2 wondered thii2 about every alternate of your2 ever. do you guy2 ever liike… walk up two the wrong per2on and 2ay 2omethiing 2iilly two them? miine diid once. 2he 2piilled coffee all over KK when 2he meant two hand iit two KN. iit wa2 hiilariiou2. why 2end TZ two get the coffee? the memory haunt2 me two thii2 day.

Send “ツ” for an EXCITED text.

ii’ve got iit. the perfect game two beat you at. meet me at my place iin ten.

Send “$” for an ACCIDENTAL text.

for the fuckiing record iif ii hadn’t wanted that a22kiickiing iin the fiir2t place ii would’ve thrown you acro22 the ciity before you even got a punch iin.

waiit. not you. iignore thii2!!

Send “♀” for a HEARTBREAKING text.

hey 2o. iif 2omethiing happen2 two me ju2t leave me there. ok?go be happy and forget about me.

#a2k meme an2wered #rlsus #posted ooc //

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gho2ty · 4 years ago

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👀 I can get beetles and ants and wasp larva pretty easily, make with the recipes

okay 2orry for the late reply ii forgot

beetle2 - mo2t commonly are dry roa2ted, about 2 hour2 at 200F (untiil crii2py), then you can eat them a2 ii2 iif you liike the cronch or you can cru2h them and theyre a good addiitiion two 2oup2 or 2tew2

- oh another for the cronch ii2 popcorn beetle2. you put honey and butter iin a pan on low heat for 5 miin two make a gooey miixture miix beetle2 and popped popcorn iin a large bowl, add miixture, and then 2pread out the 2tiicky me22 on bakiing 2heet and 2tiick that iin 350F for 10-15 miin (agaiin untiil crii2py) and then you have a 2weet 2nack. thii2 ii2 2mth iid alway2 buy premade but yeah thii2 ii2 how you make iit your2elf apparently.

ant2 - are a good liightly friied 2nack 2tiick them iin a pan wiith a liittle oiil a liittle 2alt a few miinute2 and theyre good two go.

- work well a2 an addiitiion two other thiing2 liike the beetle2 are and you can top a lot of food2 wiith them. le22 crunch than beetle2 2o maybe youre more iintwo that?

- ant larva ii2 a good taco meat ju2t liightly fry and add a2 replacement (or addiitiion) two your other meat

wa2p larva - really good iin 2tiir fry. actually mo2t of the2e can be good iin 2tiir fry. but whatever.

#bugs /#insects /#larva /#food /#eating bugs /#ants /#((ASK TO TAG IF THERES ANYTHING ELSE SPECIFICALLY im sorry for this. ))#Anonymous

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toycarousel · 7 years ago

Audio

tA: hey anon 2orry iim late two the party but youve been on my miind and ii ju2t wanted two make 2ure ii got two 2top by and 2ee you iim hopiing you had a decent one ii know thii2 age ii2 a biig deal two human2 riight? 2o you have the be2t 2weep you can and agaiin happy belated wriiggliing day anon

#audio posts #homestuck #sollux captor #birthday requests #belated birthdays #happy birthday #just so I can keep better track of these~!!!

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vengeancect · 7 years ago

Text

ii have been 2talkiing a man on twiitter for an undetermiined length of tiime, po22iibly more than a year. ii do not remember. ii have unfollowed thii2 man late october but ii 2tiill vii2iit hii2 page every day. ii have 2earched thii2 man’2 name on google, youtube, facebook, and tumblr. iironiically, he appear2 two 2hare hii2 name wiith a gay camboy. ii want two be notiifiied of every tiime he doe2 anythiing, on any web2iite. my braiin ha2 become 2o dii2ea2ed that 2ometiime2 ii forget who thii2 man ii2 and ii forget the (alleged) relevance he ha2 two my liife. thii2 ii2 the only thiing iin my liife and even then iit barely exii2t2. iironiically, ii actually know very liittle about thii2 man or hii2 liife, and tryiing two con2truct an iin2ane flowchart about hiim ba2ed on the extremely liimiited, biia2ed amount of iinformatiion ii have on hiim ha2 proven two be thii2 maddeniing liittle project that ii can’t help but iindulge iin daiily. ii’m unable two iignore iit

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apathygender · 5 years ago

Text

I got my laptop working again and went looking around and for some god awful reason opened up pesterchum. all of my old logs are gone except for, apparently, something i did on my own three years ago because i’m a fuckin dork who missed playing with friends.

i will now put my silliness under a read more

-- twiceAggrieved [TA] began trolling carnivorousGravitation [CG] at 00:22 --

TA: KK.

CG: FUCK.

CG: NO. I'M NOT DOING THIS.

TA: ye2 you are.

TA: we have two talk.

CG: TALK ABOUT WHAT? HOW WE HAVEN'T BEEN IN DIRECT CONTACT FOR WHO KNOWS HOW MANY SHIT STAINED SWEEPS NOW?

CG: THE FACT THAT NONE OF US HAVE SEEN EACH OTHER OR THE PEOPLE WE CARE ABOUT MOST WHILE WE FESTER IN OUR PUSS FILLED BOILS WE CALL HOME?

TA: ii 2ee you're lo2iing your touch on the2e metaphor2.

CG: I AM NOT LOSING MY TOUCH, YOU GOBBLEHEADED FUCKFOOT. YOU JUST HAVEN'T BEEN AROUND TO HEAR THEM IN A LONG TIME.

TA: 2ure. gobbleheaded fuckfoot ii2 a cla22iic. my mii2take.

TA: ju2t get iin the memo.

CG: WHO IN THESE TEN THOUSAND HELLSCAPES IS IN A MEMO, VOLUNTARILY, WITH THE TWO OF US?

TA: youll 2ee iif you hurry up and accept my iinviitatiion.

CG: FINE.

-- carnivorousGravitation [CG] gave up trolling twiceAggrieved [TA] at 01:22 --

carnivorousGravitation [CG] RIGHT NOW joined memo on board #08152X.

GG: Thanks for coming, Karkat.

CG: WHOA HEY WHOA FUCK THIS. I AM NOT HERE FOR THIS GOD DAMNED MEETING.

TA: KK come on. thii2 ii2 iimportant.

CG: NOPE. NOW I KNOW WHY YOU DIDN'T TELL ME WHO IT WAS. I SHOULD HAVE FUCKING KNOWN IT WOULD END UP LIKE THIS.

CG: GOOD JOB, PISS SPIT. YOU ALMOST GOT ME AGAIN. BUT THIS TIME I'M NOT STICKING AROUND TO READ ANY OF THAT BLUE SUGAR THREAD CANDY DRIVEL.

GG: Karkat, please. It's about our friends.

GG: I'm getting worried.

CG: OUR FRIENDS? OH! OH FUCK! I FORGOT WE HAD THOSE!

CG: GET WITH THE SCHEDULED PROGRAM, HEIRESS OF CONFECTIONARY DEMISE. WE'RE AS SURROUNDED BY FRIENDS AS THE SCARRED VIOLET SEA CAPTAIN IS SURROUNDED BY ADORING FANS.

TA: defiiniitely lo2iing your touch.

CG: SHUT UP.

GG: Huh?

CG: NOTHING.

CG: THE POINT IS THAT WE DON'T HAVE FRIENDS.

CG: YOU DON'T HAVE FRIENDS.

CG: I DON'T HAVE FRIENDS.

CG: WE ARE SANS FRIENDS.

TA: we have each other. that2 two friiend2 each.

CG: INCREDIBLE. SOMETHING SENTIMENTAL FROM THE EMOTIONLESS TALKING COMPUTER SOFTWARE. WHEN WAS YOUR LAST UPDATE, CYNIC.EXE?

GG: Karkat!

GG: How dare you!

TA: no, iit2 okay. ii updated la2t niight.

TA: thii2 patch came wiith a fuck2 fiilter.

TA: ii have no fuck2 comiing through, therefore ii have none two giive.

GG: Sollux...

CG: HA!

CG: HA HA!

CG: THAT WAS SARCASTIC LAUGHTER.

CG: YOU'RE A FUCKING IDIOT.

CG: THIS IS WHY I DON'T TALK TO YOU PEOPLE ANYMORE.

TA: and yet you're 2tiill here.

CG: NO I'M NOT. THIS IS A FIGMENT OF YOUR PAN'S DEMENTED SLEEP DEPRIVATION.

CG: LITERALLY NONE OF THIS CONVERSATION IS HAPPENING. YOU ARE LOSING YOUR MIND, AND YOU NEED TO GET INTO YOUR RECUPERACOON BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE.

TA: iit2 defiiniitely two late.

GG: Guys, please.

GG: I know you haven't done this in a while, but we did start this memo for a reason.

TA: riight. 2orry, crockpot.

CG: HEY, I NEVER SAID I WAS PARTICIPATING IN THIS.

GG: You volunteered by not leaving the memo.

GG: Now shush your cranky mouth so I can tell you why you're here.

CG: RUDE.

TA: 2hut down.

CG: GO AHEAD, EYESORE.

CG: IT OCCURS TO ME THAT I HAVE ABSOLUTELY NOTHING BETTER TO DO THAN LISTEN TO YOUR ASININE MONOLOGUING.

GG: First of all, I do not monologue.

GG: Second of all, you are darn right you have nothing better to do.

GG: Sollux and I were looking around this city, and we found some disturbing things.

GG: We thought you of all people would be interested.

CG: ME OF ALL PEOPLE?

CG: CAREFUL; YOU ARE BORDERING ON THE DISCRIMINATORY.

GG: Oh, please.

TA: 2hut up, kk. youll under2tand 2oon enough.

GG: We found some posters.

CG: WAIT.

CG: HOLD ON.

GG: What?

TA: thii2 ii2 actually kiind of a biig deal what could be iimportant enough iin your boriing a22 liife two iinterupt

CG: SOMETHING JUST CLICKED IN MY THINKPAN.

CG: YOU DICKNUGGETS WERE LOOKING AROUND A CITY TOGETHER?

CG: AS IN YOU WERE IN THE SAME PLACE AT THE SAME TIME?

CG: WHEN DID THIS START HAPPENING AND WHY DIDN'T I HEAR ABOUT IT?

GG: Oh my god.

TA: iit2 not liike that, you fettered mammalian fii2h fucker.

CG: IT'S EXACTLY LIKE THAT. YOU LEFT ME OUT AGAIN.

CG: THIS IS AT LEAST THE ONE HUNDRED THIRTY FIFTH TIME.

GG: That's an oddly specific number.

TA: iim 2orry, KK. you're riight. we 2hould have called you.

GG: Your the one who said we don't have friends and acted like you never wanted to speak to me again.

CG: OF COURSE I WANTED TO TALK TO YOU.

CG: WHY DO YOU THINK I LOG INTO TROLLIAN EVERY NIGHT?

CG: DO YOU THINK IT'S FUN TO STARE AT A LONG LIST OF "OFFLINE" CHUMPS WHO I USED TO SCREAM AT ON A REGULAR BASIS?

CG: I'M A SAD LONELY CHILD, JANE.

CG: I MISS MY FRIENDS.

TA: damn way two lay iit all down out of nowhere.

CG: YEAH, WELL. IT'S BEEN A WHILE.

GG: Karkat... I'm sorry.

GG: I didn't think that you might feel the same.

CG: WELL, I DO. DO YOU REALIZE HOW LONG IT'S BEEN SINCE I'VE SEEN MY FAVORITE COLORS ANTAGONIZING ME IN A CHAT WINDOW?

TA: iit2 been a long tiime.

GG: Too long.

CG: NO KIDDING.

TA: then what do you 2ay two joiiniing u2 iin the biig ciity.

CG: WHAT?

GG: That's a great idea! Then we can just show you what we found instead of trying to describe it.

CG: WHAT BIG CITY? YOU HAVEN'T SAID A NAME OF YOUR LOCATION AT ANY POINT IN THIS EXCHANGE OF TEXT.

CG: YOUR LACK OF SPECIFICS IS GETTING IRRITATING.

CG: ALSO HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET TO SAID LOCATION WHERE YOU'VE BEEN SPENDING AN UNKNOWN AMOUNT OF TIME TOGETHER?

TA: look out2iide your wiindow.

CG: I SWEAR TO TROLL CHRIST, IF YOU ARE FLOATING OUTSIDE MY WINDOW RIGHT NOW, I WILL THROW MY ENTIRE DRESS AT YOU.

TA: relax, iim not floatiing out2iide your hiive.

CG: FINE.

GG: I wish I could be there right now to watch this.

CG: FUCK.

CG: YOU LIAR.

TA: ii diidnt liie. ii 2aiid ii wa2nt floatiing.

TA: iim 2tandiing.

CG: IT'S THE SAME PRINCIPLE, SNOTFACE.

GG: Snotface? Are you four years old?

CG: I AM IN SHOCK RIGHT NOW, GIVE ME A BREAK.

TA: he2 al2o bur2t iintwo tear2.

TA: 2o hone2tly, you are the 2notface.

GG: Aw, Karkat! Don't cry.

CG: I AM NOT CRYING.

CG: I AM PISSED BEYOND RATIONAL COMPREHENSION.

TA: alriight, 2top typiing at me whiile 2tandiing iin front of your wiindow.

TA: jane ii2 waiitiing for u2 back at the hou2e.

CG: ARE YOU SERIOUS?

GG: Completely and totally.

GG: Please come along. You can pack if you need to.

CG ceased responding to memo.

TA: lmao iit2 two late. he2 already run out the door and wrapped hii2 arm2 around me.

TA: what a biig wiiggler.

GG: Hoo hoo hoo!

GG: Don't lie to me, Solpatch. I know you're crying too.

TA: 2orry, lo2iing connectiion. bad 2iignal here.

TA: 2ee you iin 2even miinute2.

TA ceased responding to memo.

GG: You're a horrible liar!

GG: I can't wait to see those tear stained faces.

#homestuck #good lord i even took the time to edit it like we used to in our groups #smfh nostalgia is not good for me especially homstuck nostalgia #jane crocker #karkat vantas #sollux captor

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