#theyre mostly bg things for now here. but they are there. sometimes they have a little more significance and sometimes less

[kerizaret]

For the royal marriage AU, wouldn’t the news of polyamorous marriage cause a bit of a stir in the Yosaki kingdom because they are now surrounded on most sides by an alliance?

Mmm! I think it would cause a stir overall, not just for Yoisakis. But it could feel pressuring for them specifically. The Yoisakis do have an alliance with Tenmas through Ichisaki though so I don't think they'd be extremely worried about this possibly ending up dangerous or whatever for them, especially with Tenmas valuing their connections a lot. So it's not like they'd suddenly get attacked. And also they're on friendly terms with Kamishiros; not allies but there's no animosity (and im p sure Mafuyu was sent to study there for some time). They only don't rly have any relationship with Kusanagis (or Ootoris but they aren't neighbours)

I think if anything it would open them doors to create more meaningful relationships with Kamishiro&Kusanagi kingdoms too (looking at ichika&knd&nene and mafuyu&rui (and also mafuyu&mizuki - haven't mentioned it yet but mizuki is Rui's knight and had a chance to stop by Yoisaki kingdom as well in the past for a little while ;D)). But it could feel a bit like they were forced into it by circumstances rather than by choice,,,?

In the end I don't plan to focus as much on the other kingdoms, for now at least - they're there more as background right now - but the potential is there to develop on them later. Maybe when I'm done with the polysho plot actually �� but yeah I mean I could develop on the poly/need story, i could do some story with niigo, one of my friends I've been telling the story too has been trying to convince me to add in akitoya (haven't deciced as of now) 😭😭😭 there's a lot open gates that for now I leave open but not go through them since 1) I'm not as sure of my takes on the characters and I'd need outside help and 2) my focus rn is polysho

[valodia]

How can you tell when someone comes from a middle class background though? I feel like i am bad at seeing the signs but sometimes I do feel out of place at work and i am wonderin if its because I feel like they dont see me as one of them so how can i tell if they are middle class like what are some tell tale signs or characterstics these people have?

Keep in mind this is subjective and probably depends on the country etc. You can also change social class in a lifetime but here im mostly talking about someones background or the social class that they most assimilated into if they switched

In my experience middle class people tend to:

- Afford a comfortable lifestyle that they could potentially easily lose (by comfortable i mean have a house on mortgage, a car or several, leisure items etc)

- Tend to have a decadent or carefree financial life, live above their means, accrue debt, but somehow always land on their feet

- Expect to have a quality of life beyond basic needs (rent, bills, food)

- Typically can rely on family or a support network for financial or personal aid

- Generally familial type of abuse tends to be more subtle and hidden instead of blownout and spectacular but it depends

- Sometimes unaware that really bad things (abuse, trauma) can happen to people they know or around them

- Can afford or thinks its normal to afford going on vacation every year, has been to disneyland at least once etc

- Holidays spent with family are usually something to look forward to

Theres not one single person that squarely fits into this narrative. Its just sometimes i meet ppl and i can tell theyre not from the same bg.

As for my family when i was very young we were working class going on middle class and it just deteriorated exponentially with years.

I think if i have to pick just the most jarring difference to me in this list it would the expectation of a certain lifestyle.

When i started living on my own i had no real support network. I lived in a very tiny place (social housing) that about 70 to 80% of my salary covered. Ive been used to never buying anything expensive/nice and only buy cheap foods etc. I was living spending my money on virtually nothing other than basic needs and i still had money to spare that i mostly saved to have some stability and also cause i wasnt used to having it? Now im stable and this has evolved and i would qualify technically as middle class if my spouse was also employed or if i was single. But i still carry this idea that i can lose all of it and my threshold of expectation is lower than many ppl.

Thats just my personal biased opinion so idk if that helps, every persons situation is obviously different. Its incredibly hard to put it in words also and i dont know if i did a good job

[gayspock]

also ohhh by the way vis a vis black sails i dont thinkive done asilly little check-in post in a while so :3

FIRDTLY i am enjoying it so f- OH GOOD HEAVENS....

TUMBLT DO NOT TURN MY POINTS INTO - oh fine. sniff. ythats sick though. that makes my thoughts look wayyyy too official i only even bop thrm with a dash bc theyre just disjointed silly little things, heavens above!

but firstly: yes well i am enjoying it!! I THINK... hm. it hasnt gripped me! THATS NOT IN A MEAN-MEAN WAY- i think its just you know, not making me obsessseeddddd, which is quite the shame. there's some really good fucking stuff in here, is the thing and some good fucking characters but i think, perhaps, my one issue with the show is... there's some really mediocre connective tissue? which- really isnt a horrific ISSUE its just kind of dragging it down a bit. and it's, like, mostly TOTALLY inconsequential stuff but it accumulates and i think, if there was some polishing and this thing was REALLY TIGHT, then god... god this would fuck so so fucking GOOD. and again thats not to say it doesnt- i am liking it so far, im just like well :3 an episode...

like, for example: there's certain characters i dont care much for. certain plot points i dont care much for. certain executions im very lukewarm on. and lots that i DO care for. i feel as if... if this were tighter somehow, i'd be more into it, but also im not SO sure what it is i would cut out ... like its just like. god if we got to FOCUS more on these specific things, i'd be obsessed- but also i dont know how that would work without compromise of other things i like. so im like hm hmm hmm. like- i called it connective tissue, yeah? bc that's what it is- like all the stuff.. that's fitting ALL the stuff together. ehhh. im like ehhh! youknow? EHH?

like i think flint is, perhaps, like the BEST example of like: i want to be so obsessed with you (ESPECIALLY what they're doing with him in S2!!! moves in the right direction) but still feel like... we don't get enough to bring it, bring it home. perhaps i just need to sit tight a bit longer- bc again this isnt the "oh, death sentence!" its just like a well uhm i would have to liked to have seen it now !

and i think one another issue is, that im having with the show, is sometimes help..... i'll admit: there's random side characters i lose track of. any older white guy? hell- any white guy that isnt one of the MAIN white guys ... he just kinda fades into the bg for me. andTHATS SOOOO a me thing. but also help. i want to be intrigued more by internal politics of nassau - i really do - but i do kind of... lose threads when guys show up and im like wuh huh.

WHICH, sspeaking of: as i said with flint, i like what theyre doing so far with him in s2! I REALLY like it. showing a bit more of his past- but also showing more of him... as a captain? and what it really means to have influence, and to command people and to have that authority over them.

which speaking of, speaking of: is funnily enough... ONE point of disappointment: dufresne. and i know there was some other issues (i saw abt his actor whilst reading up abt him :(... honestly such a fucking shame) so im conscientious of that,and i realise that must have affected SOME ofit... to the extent, i don't know if we know!? as in- dont know what the writers have said about that, and i dont know how much im comfortable speculating on what-ifs there BUT.... YEAH. SAD. i really liked him, i did- but mmmm. there was something so rushed about his "arc" and kind of a shame, you know? hell- i was so fucking into it, into this idea of HIM becoming the captain of all things and i dont say it was OOC but then the actual ... way it was executed and played out. maybe it WAS the replacement actor who dropped the ball with it, i dont know, but it was like... there was a lack of something, you know? because again- i dont think him stepping up could be OOC, that he WOULD act so drastically, that he had the moral compass to act like that and to respond to flint like that in the aftermath of what he went through. makes a hell of a lot of sense. BUT also i dontknow- it feels like.. it wasnt right, in its execution- i feel as if... there was a lack of that conflict within him played out. and it, again, could be actor issues- the new guy not delivering, or hell them intentionally scaling back on him bc they just wanted him to fade out more organically but hm... i dont know. either way the point is it felt... like they put out a good character, gave him a really good scene, and it just sort of flittered out? shame

and i SAY this bc. shite why was i SAYING this... bc it DID sort of set the stage for Flint, and for demonstrating him well, and.... i think THATS what some of the trouble is, sometimees? sometimes? characters used, and introduced solely to demonstrate another character- which is FINE, yknow, and things like that happen aaalllll the timeeee in media yes sireee but sometimes- you know, i dont know. it does have a certain inelegance, a certain clumsiness - because obviously ideally you arent just setting up characters to develop others, etc. butlike... mm. like in general there's, again, one or two one note guys floating about- which again WILL always happen, you know- but they'll get... a LOT of screen time for who they, because theyre obviously advancing the plot along in nature, and then its like oh well ehrm YAH?

the other guy tht comes to mind is uh. that unsavoury cunt from s1- you know... who i mean, i presume... who was unkind towards max. i dont remember his name- truthfully dont FEEL like giving him one. but its like: obviously, freaking god, i dont want him to have a sympathetic angle. when it comes to guys like that- i'd much prefer a one note guy, to some godawful attempt to build depth into him, bc if ur clumsy it just reads as whatever. like fucking hell. but STILL- it does leave him feeling (and i do wince at this word for him- sorry) a bit cartoonish, like... yeah. this dude fucking SUCKS! he walks out and he SUCKS! and he just does BAD SHIT! now he can DIE to cause us PROBLEMS. like that's- again its all well and good, but it does seem to also be happening with the new bloke being introduced THIS season. and so the issue is- you know... characters brought in for, like, purely functional purposes? or being turned into- like dufresne... it feels eh to me.

and again. its like i dont want the shitty guys to have a sympathetic spin on them and i'd rather them be just straight up cunts than them do a clumsy attempt at making them more. but i think- you know, that's why i LOVE what they did with dukat in deep space nine. like fucking hell. he had a lot of depth- but he was the fucking worst guy around. like they showed what shitty people REALLY are like, irl. they arent just guys who do bad shite for the sake of it. but theyre guys who actively choose to be the worst fucking people - and they convince themselves of it all, sooo hard - and there's no "oh, they did this bc THEY had to! no choice! they were raised wrong, etc.!" bc whilst those can be factors its like. at the end of the day? dukat thought himself better than others; dukat was selfish and power hungry and did not want to sacrifice his positions of power; and it lead to some godawful perceptions he had on the bajorans, and he treated them shittily because of that .... and itmakes no apologies about that. but it shows like his thought process, exactly this that and the other, and its fucking horrible. as it should be, bc thats what oppressors ARE irl. theyre not some guys lead down the wrong path... they DO actively choose to be like that, for their own gain, bc they value it more than the livelihoods of others and i think sooo often ppl try to make the worst fucking ppl sympathisable and its like. fucking come on man. idc.

anyways what was i saying. yes. my point is- you can GIVE shitty guys some depth, have them be characters, rather than vague antagonistic forces to work against and to advance issues within a story, yah? its possible! but idk- it feel slike black sails does just... fall into that problem sometimes, mmm. which is a shame! it is! bc like i said- god, i really do like a lot of the other stuff theyre laying out... but when u just. idk. theres a lot of mediocre ppl dumped into this story that idc for that much is all. anyways positivie s tho bc

i like anne a lot. like i do. i said the show doesnt drive me crazy cuckoo bananas- well its true, but when i see anne she does to me. its that moment of mmm. :3 the perfect little sweet spot thats ENTIRELY appealing to some specific personal tastes of mine so hiyyaaaa anne. bestie anne. you and your girlfriend and your.... eyebrow raise boyfriend. your pet little he/they for you to carry around in your purse. LIKE IM LOVING ALL OF THEM- jack, anne, and max... theyre my faves. my ride or dies.

other than them i loved gates so bad. i knew he was sort of doomed from the start- like his character.. YEAH. YOU COULD FUCKING TELL. so i just sort of held on there with him and got shocked nonetheless when he died. i also loved billy. no idea what theyre gonna do with him going forward- but im SO intent with it like ooey ooey... I HOPE they do well with him.

(though maybe thats another issue? i dont know- its like... theres a PACING thing going on here ad maybe it relates to the above. im not sure. its like ithink this works as being fast paced- but also it feels like its taking some weird slow moments and its like god i dont know. maybe its the rate im watching it at- or maybe its ME, bc i know i have problems with ehrm. time. in general - but i feel like i havent seen billy in fucking forever... that he's been unresolved for forever. which is weird. its been like half a season. but still eh. you know!??)

and who else. i said i liked flint- but i fucking LOVE thomas even more... nand yep. yep god. okay. god bless those fucking men i can so easily goinsane if we get to see more of them - it has to be said - and if they are going about things well enough of course.

and then eleanor? I THINK ITS ODD- I THINK... characters like her, in general? god i do like them- but i do feel as if my like for them is more of a: upon reflection, yes..... do you know what i mean? shiv and helly from succession are two that come to mind: girlbosses i cannot relate to on any sort of level, but when i step back from the work and get to really appreciate the decisions they made... yeah. loving it.

BUT: i dont know how i feel about her and max? i mean- look, im not a shippy guy in THAT sense you know... just eh. dont know how i feel- i know they were together and loved each other and liked their chemistry well enough, but we're obviously seeing the unfortunate side of their relationship here. so im like lukewarm - potentially turned off a little? which - i dont say that in a... OK. thing is: i dont really care for it, ever, when a character is SO dedicated and lovestruck by another but we dont really get to see A LOT of why that is. and i get why that is some with max and eleanor- we see bits of it! but also again we are seeing a LOT of the unfortunate side and so its like... eh. you know. WHAT they were to each other god thats so sweet- but the story we're getting now is the sadder partofthat.

and . what did i say: OH I SAID TURNED OFF BY IT. YES . WELL. to elaborate more- bc im obviously not like... turned off by two ppl not being together any more its not thatits the. ok we have to bring him up. fuckin charles. mixed feelings on the cunt. bc him and max had a little exchange just now like goddd we're so in love with that girl- and its like with them both im just like . i dontknow. i dont care for it, sometimes? MAYBE ITS IKE- im not... obsessed with romantic plotlines, or at least not ones where the romantic foot is put before the other one. i love stories wherein romance emerges between the characters. but if the driving factor is: oh these guys are in LOVE! we're both so blindly in love with ealanor. full stop it doesnt do much for me. shruggie shrug. and i think theres enough surrounding max and eleanor that its not LIKE that- but itdoes sometimes give me a bit of an ehhh whatever cmon keep it moving girlies....

but yeah. freakin charles. i ahve my finger on him- bc i think he IS the more "antagonisitic" freak with some depth to him, that could have frankly been used this entire time rather than introducing new ones for like the purposes of the story... but its like idk. again with the introducingnew guys- i suppose they did that, in a way to sort of soften his presence which. againjust makes me eh? bc like-i did not like his behaviour towards eleanor to begin with and i certainly did not fucking like what he did to max. bc yes theyre all god damn pirates; yes theyre fucking horrible and yes theyre operating within a system that perpetuates that horrific nature, makes it all feed into each other... but yeah, its p obvious when youre being a bit of a fucking CUNT even within the space you're put in babygirl. m. and its like- i have a cerain OWRRY with him... that they're going to try and sympathise with him more which. im not saying they CANT do- that they cant od redemption arcs with guys that have done what they did- but it does make me nervous a little. i do like his character, though, with some reservations there- like... i do think that he is a guy written well thus far its just. a tipping point thats VERY very delicate and yah. make him go through the fucking ringe.r then we will see.

anyway do i have any other thoughts god i dont know

im just finished s2e4. its odd. i thought there were so many mre episodes- why did i convince myself there was seven fucking seasons of 24 each? thats half the reason why i put it off so long- nutno girl help...

anyways maybe it will send me crazy insane more as i go forward. it DOES have the potential to for suresies! :3 but also idk. im thinking abt what to watch next? yah.... smile.

[meruz]

some asks - sorry some of these are kind of old. I only get around to answering stuff once in a blue moon.

I do not! Nothing against it but I just don’t personally enjoy the process so I don’t use it in my personal work. Too much transforming and filtering.. too little actual drawing. I have however used it for professional work and sometimes I will sketch things individually and collage them together to make it easier for me to work depending on the scale. But yeah, no photobashing normally.

Thank you! (post in reference) I didn’t use any perspective grids for that drawing but occasionally for bigger pieces that require a stronger adherence to perspective I’ll use the Perspective Tools extension by Sergey Kritsky which is ABSOULTELY worth the price here on gumroad if you’re a photoshop-user - makes grids very easy to set up. You can actually see some of the grids in my process work if you’re looking for it lol

I used to be such a square abt it like “bluh perspective is just a bunch of lines i dont need a tool to do it for me like a DUMB BABY. I can just draw the grids myself and itll be good enough!!! :\” dont be like that LOL, I started using perspective tools for work last year and ported it over to my personal work so damn fast its like one of the best artistic decisions ive made. If you can make less work for yourself, PLEASE make less work for yourself.

I don’t remember what post this is but I’m like 90% its these brushes because these are like all the brushes I use LOL

hi yes thank you i LOVE grookey.

Thank you! They’re the best family!! KAROL IS MY FAVE........

you’re SO welcome. I recently watched Last Evolution Kizuna and [spoiler] WILLIS WAS IN ONE (1) SHOT...  [/spoiler] so whoever was in my comments section telling me toei would never bring willis back, I think you owe me like $20

Yep! My Instagram, Twitter... I don’t have a patreon because I’m too lazy to set up tiers but I have a ko-fi if you want to drop a lil tip in my metaphorical buskers hat

You’re probably done by the game by now given how old this ask is but I’m flattered my art got you to play!! And I’m glad you love Akechi though I’m curious to know if your feelings on him have changed since sending this LOL. His latter act character stuff is one of those things that can really turn an opinion one way or another.

Thank you! Though I want to preface this by saying I don’t take requests but you can always contact me for commissions at isellhotdogs@gmail.com.

I will probably draw naruto again because like every 4 years of my life I go through a naruto phase. I have drawn dangan ronpa before many many years ago and I gotta say the only time I will ever draw it again will be if I’m commissioned to lol...Nothing against it personally, it’s just not really my thing. Kiritetsu+Colossus.... I would but honestly I don’t even know what I’d draw, I feel like I covered it with that one drawing. But if you’ve got an idea... you can always commission me!!! And I’d be happy to.

Uhhhh they’re good! I like them! Yusuke’s character arc is maybe like my favorite or second favorite in the game and I love Ryuji first and foremost for max mittlemans voice acting and secondly because he is just so...so much better than P4 Yosuke who I truly could not stand.

I’m not big on Mishima but I think he’s an incredibly well written depiction of like. that dude in class who you didn’t really mean to talk to but ended up talking to and now its a little weird. I really like that event where you run into shinya while hanging out with mishima and shinyas like “whos this your friend” and ren is like “no, king, hes no one” LOL this is mostly because I just really like shinya. 

ships.... I like yusuke/ryuji a lot, just aesthetically and personality wise its an interesting dynamic. I like ryuji/ann bc theyre good friends. I like ann/yusuke if I close my eyes to all the early plot stuff and just pretend theyre like.....fujiko and goemon from lupin III LMAO. ryuji/makoto? kinda woke?? I mean I feel lesbian makoto deep in my bones but also their showtime opened my eyes a lil. I think they could bond over action movies. mishima/protag is kind of fun in like a sad pathetic way.. I’m a little interested in mishima/JOKER actually bc i like identity porn plotlines lol.

YEP GO AHEAD I’ve been getting a lot of messages like this lately so I want to lay it out here and I’ll probably copy paste it into a FAQ later lol.

8Tracks and Spotify Playlists: Go ahead! please credit me either meruz.tumblr.com twitter@automeru or ig@automeruz -  AND SEND ME THE PLAYLIST this is not a requirement really but I would love to listen to it.

Twitter/Tumblr Layouts/Headers: Good by me! but again PLEASE credit me somewhere VISIBLE on the layout. If it’s a twitter header/icon credit my twitter @automeru and if its tumblr credit my tumblr @meruz​

Phone BGs, Desktop Wallpapers: definitely ok!! Any personal and non-commercial use of this nature, I’m cool with. If you ask me, I may even send you a hi-res version of the file but you have to promise to not scam me and sell it lol...

Instagram Reposts: A lot of artists would say no but I’m gonna say go ahead as long as you credit and tag me in the post, again my ig is @automeruz - if you don’t, and I find it, I will bug you about it in the comments and possibly even report you. Nothing personal, its just standard procedure.

Twitter/Tumblr Re-posts: Don’t?? Just RT or RB it from me?? whats wrong with you? I will report this.

Other site re-posts: I’ll probably say yes but again please credit and for this one PLEASE ask me first. It’s nothing personal really, I just want to know where my work shows up.

Video edits/fancams/comic dubs: Yes! Absolutely go ahead! And please send me a link I especially love to see this stuff!!

I also reserve all rights have you take it down if I do not agree with the usage or context, especially association with politics on the webpage/app/etc. 

Thank you!!!!!!!! ;-; These are all so nice.. tucks them into a little pocket near my heart. I love drawing and I will keep trying my best to make art...! Hope you guys can look forward to it...!

[wiihtigo]

If you're still doing the number thing, pick a random number you haven't answered yet! I'm curious to see which one you would!

Love all of your art btw! Never fails to brighten up my day!

snm ask game here

THANK YOU.....similarly, your comments on my posts always brighten MY day i always smile when i see them >:)

well umm lest seeeeee. yes. will you let me talk for a minute (...) about GAY PEOPLE and why i think sam and maxs relationship is so entertaining to watch..would you be mad. no. ok thank you

10.Favorite ship?

well take a guess. its sam and max....the reason i think sam and max are so charming and like. they just drag people in is because individually theyre great characters but theyre definitely better together, very much a set piece (do not separate) and i feel like in a mainly comedy series that sam and max is its easy to write best friend characters who kind of miss the mark of “these characters are BELIEVEABLE as best friends” like...ok i need to give credit to brain waves where they are due what triggered this line of thought was listening to dear dimwitty (a ducktales podcast hosted by two friends of mine its great btw you should listen to it) and monty (one of the hosts) was talking about how he enjoys it when characters laugh at each other (his examples were a bit in the dt episode they were discussing where dewey i think laughed at a joke louie told in the bg of a scene, and also the crew in star trek....i dont remember which one it was the one with data and geordi i think and he just talked about how its nice to watch because you can really feel like the crew are really friends with eachother through small details in the show like how they have a game night and thigns like that)! like in sitcom series like friends those guys..are not even friends..which is fine the characters dont have to be deep and have fleshed out relationships in a sitcom but just for an example...ive gone on a bit of a tangent but all that talk while i was listening made me go “hey!! thats why i like sam and max!!” (you see? all that talking was related to my point and not just advertising my friends podcast) even though comedy is the main factor in the sam and max series what really ties it all together is the relationship between the two titular characters...and i truly truly believe sam and max wouldnt be nearly as good and funny as it is if sam and max werent written so well as two  individuals who genuinely and whole heartedly care about each other. Theyre best friends and theres no question about it! and its not even written in a way where in chapter one a narrator has to say “this is a story about two best friends” you just have to fuckin LOOK at them for a minute to see, and their office especially which is usually the starting place for each series (its where we first meet sam and max in both the cartoon and games and i BELIEVE the comics...somewhere in the real early ones?) Like they have photos of themselves and eachother plastered all over the walls, they have family photos and pictures of themselves together as children, you see maxs doodles everywhere in the office, he scratched his name into sams desk, its a very LIVED IN if not NASTY space that tells you right away “ok these guys have known eachother for years”, dialogue really helps push this too (now im mostly referencing the games) like sam commenting “i bought this punching bag for max.”, “hey max whered you put this”, “hey max did you feed hubert”, etc etc, when looking at the photos they reminisce, their banter with eachother is just. VERY believable as best friends talking. especially when its sprinkled in with dialogue of them just casually chatting. Most of the time when you talk to max he just says something funny or gives a hint or whatever but sometimes theres dialogue where they just talk to eachother and its like “oh no punchline. they just wanted to chat. ok <3″ and its just very sweet. the “whats your favorite color max?” “orange!” “hey mine too! after all these years theres still so much we dont know about eachother :)” dialogue comes to mind...it made me smile...I think whats also sweet is that sam and max are very OPENLY affectionate with eachother! Sam calls max cute a LOT theyre very touchy feely with eachother, sam is constantly holding onto or touching max, max compliments sam a lot...they tease eachother and max clocks sam to wake him up every morning and sam loves to throw him out the window but well. thats how they show affection <3 also how when sam and max are separated theyre so blatantly miserable and especially sam is super overly worried about max every time something happens to him LOL and i think THESE moments hit all the better because of their well written friendship! its why the rare serious moment in sam and max works and doesnt feel out of place. its because you already know so hard that sam and max love eachother (and like, only each other theyre pretty self centered and dont give much of a fuck about anyone else) so like you as the viewer will be like “oh no! max got kidnapped again! sam is gonna be worried sick!!” and then he is. Because the public already knows how much they care about each other...its not a secret...you cant hide it....i KNOW you care the max

TLDR sams friendship is really well written great job mr purcell youve made some great gay people

[ofniko]

✧ · ˚ . troye sivan? nah, that’s just nicolas “niko” palmer. you know, they’re the twenty-one year-old youtuber-turned-musician from petaluma, california… still doesn’t ring a bell ? come on, dude ! they’re all over ME.MIAMI’S homepage. it’s impossible for them to stay off of it because of the fact that they’re super mercurial & immature. they’re not all bad though, ‘cause they can be ambitious & warm-hearted too ! you can totally tell they’re a gemini… it’s almost scary. look, if you want to remember them, just think of a shiny pink vinyl skirt with pristine nails to match, designer shopping bags weighing down twiggy arms, and margaritas with extra sugar around the rim, and you’ll be golden. ( flexible pronouns, genderfluid. )

hello friends ! im!! so excited to be back 😭but for those of u i don’t know i’m lainie, she/her, cst, and i talk about stephen king too much :/ below u can find a very lazy intro with some summarized points and stuff (if you knew niko before there’s some changes to his bg, most notably his parents not being wildly wealthy), also bc it’d midterm szn i’m dealing w that this week/part of next week lmao but ill be around ! and i’ll def be here for plotting n stuff tonight so come smash a heart and ill slide up in ur dms or come hmu here or on discord (starslut#0877) whichever works best for you MWAH

background/history

niko was born and raised in petaluma, california. his dad was a wannabe entrepreneur whose tendency was to put all his time and investment money into projects that never worked or came to fruition before moving onto the next one, while his mom lazily strove to be an actress (like her sister, winona ryder) but never had the ambition or frankly talent to actually make anything happen. money from niko’s paternal grandparents as well as whatever his dad did manage to make with investments kept them afloat. they were by no means wealthy, but his parents liked to live as if they were. that meant a lot of fake china, fake brand clothing, fake diamonds, and otherwise cheap ostentation

they also didn’t pay a whole lot of attention to him. they were wrapped up in their own fantasy lives and overall, niko got a minimal amount of affection and attention from his parents who were much more impressed with their ability to find fake diamonds that looked real than their child

niko was not totally immune to the effects that kind of upbringing had on him (although it always struck him as a little weird), but the thing that saved him from becoming like his parents was his connection to his aunt, winona, and her family. as a kid niko only saw them at family events (mostly because his mom was always so bitter about her sister’s success that she hated seeing them) but as he began reaching adolescence he started making a habit of secretly going to visit a lot without his parents’ knowledge

he felt more comfortable there, more accepted (especially with his confusion surrounding gender identity and sexual orientation), and most of all, his cousin logan was his favorite person in the whole world and he looked up to her like a big sister

it was when he first started high school, around age 14, that niko finally ran away from home and showed up at the palmers’ house with a suitcase and asked to be adopted. and he was! winona took him into her home, made the adoption legal, and niko even changed his last name to reflect his new, real family

niko was so much happier in this new environment where he wasn’t brushed off as part of the furniture that he really started to flourish around then. he started experimenting with his femininity and non-gender-conforming dress styles, allowed himself room to figure out his sexuality, and even came to terms with his genderfluidity with a lot of love and support from logan and the fam

he also started his youtube channel around junior year in high school! it was mostly fashion and makeup stuff and it steadily gained a following until he had a good enough platform (and with huge help from the connections he had through winona) to jump into music, which had always been something he loved and wanted to do eventually

he released an ep the summer after he graduated high school (which was received pretty well) and finally a debut album with a major label a little more than a year later when he was twenty. the debut album was what threw niko into the real spotlight--it was all over the radio and eventually went platinum, solidifying his presence as a modern pop star with a devoted fan base

personality

gregarious and extraverted sometimes to a fault, niko can easily get on the nerves of people who don’t have the energy to keep up. he’s like a child who never quite grew out of adolescence, and with that boundless energy also comes a selfishness he’s usually unaware of. it can be very difficult for niko to be conscious of the way his actions affect other people and ends up hurting those close to him that way

in that same vein, when he does realize what he’s done, he’s more often than not consumed with guilt over it and will go to great lengths to try and resolve the issue

not that he always does a good job

he sleeps around a lot mostly because he enjoys it, but partly because he doesn’t know how to have a relationship. the lingering adolescence makes it so he doesn’t have the necessary awareness of another person’s needs to be in a stable relationship and he manages to a large degree to convince himself he doesn’t care and prefers being single anyway

besides music, fashion is his favorite thing in the world and though he doesn’t wear a lot of makeup on the daily, he definitely dabbles and has a lot of fun experimenting

catch him exploring the city and taking pictures, partying, clubbing, brunching, and shopping on the regs and if he’s in a Mood, you can usually tell bc he goes on shopping binges and fusses to an extreme degree over his appearance

also he volleys back and forth between dyeing his hair platinum blond and then going back to his natural brown

connection ideas

gal and gay pals :’) for fashion and shopping and instagram photoshoots

also a best friend ride or die pleaSE and thank u

i need enemies and angst and drama so give me everyone who hates niko/thinks he’s a fake bitch/can’t stand him/his music

high school connections are cute so maybe someone he didn’t get along w back then and does now/vice versa where they were rly close and something turned them against each other and now it’s world war 3 (assuming they grew up in cali!)

COLLABS ??!!!!!!! on music ofc but also possibly youtubers etc he worked with back when he was mainly on there before he released his album

umm!!!! someone who like they DONT get along usually and everyone knows they’re weird frenemies but they VIBE SO HARD when theyre drunk and partying

an ex or two who probably lasted maybe like 3-4 months and it didn’t work out either bc they cheated on niko (would love this angst) OR bc niko was too flaky for them and they couldn’t handle the way niko doesn’t rly understand intimacy and broke it off OR!!! they got really clingy and niko broke it off himself

those were probably referenced on his album and also i’d love to plot specific things that inspired some of his songs

someone who can challenge!! that!! and it’s freaking niko out bc he’s starting to catch Feels but doesn’t know what to do w it/doesn’t know if they feel the same way

PR stuff please thanks!!!!!

maybe like gyeurhus someone he’s a big fan of but they have no idea who he is

vice versa where they’re a huge fan of niko and he’s completely unaware of them

someone who produces his music P L E A S E bc i see niko writing the lyrics but someone else actually doing the sound production and helping with the music writing process etc

[wickymicky]

I think it's really cool that you've gotten into nct, not just for their sake specifically, but also just as a boy group. cause I find girl group stans - while they are often such nice and chill and lovely people(!!!) - occasionally have.... not just prejudices against boy groups, but down-right aggression? which I get... they're men after all. and many of them have scandals attached to them etc.... but I like when gg stans are still open to the idea of liking certain bgs and/or their music.... idk if this will make sense to you, sorry

oh my god i used to be that way haha

i still do think that a large amount of the boy groups that exist arent really for me, and the ones that i like, i like mostly because of the music and i dont get as attached to the members as i do for ggs, but yeah. nct arent the first boy group i got into though, i think theyre the fourth? my first was pentagon, then ateez, then a.c.e, then nct. i like some stray kids too, and some other various assorted songs here and there from others, but i dont really feel the same need to dive deep into their stuff that i do when i get into ggs. idk

but anyway yeah i know what you mean, and i definitely used to be that way, maybe just cause i saw it a lot lol.... though i think one of the reasons was that i just didnt allow myself to get into them, you know? like... tbh i was the same way with kpop in general, like, i was afraid of what it would say about me? like... its hard to explain... but as an amab person who was questioning their gender, i still hadnt fully abandoned the toxic masculinity that wouldnt allow myself to like things that are cute or poppy or that seemed targeted at girls. i was like “yeah i like some kpop but i promise im not one of them, im different” lol. and like i guess i still say stuff like that sometimes, but for different reasons haha. back then i said that because i didnt allow myself to unironically just enjoy something like that cause i was nervous about confronting femininity and stuff, but now i say it because stan twitter is awful. 

anyway it was stupid of me to feel that way about kpop and pop music in general, but it wasnt something i was really conscious that i was doing, it was just something like... idk... learned i guess. from society. which is weird cause i was already into similar stuff in the past lol, like i was a huge grimes fan until she sorta went off the deep end, and i think getting into her music helped me explore my gender a bit and laid the groundwork for future exploration of that via music and aesthetics, but i guess its a constant process lol cause i had to learn the same lesson over again when i got into kpop. and like once i let myself just enjoy it for what it is, it was really good! it was freeing! it felt like i was casting off some more of the remnants of the toxic “twilight is bad because girls like it” baggage i had accumulated by just growing up identifying as a cis boy in middle school in the united states haha. and then even after that, i felt a similar way about listening to boy groups, i was like “i cant do that, that’s too far, i dont know what that would say about me”. it was internalized biphobia and stuff like that too, i think. and like now that im into a couple, it’s not a big deal at all lol. now when im not into a bg it’s just based on music or concept, and not based on insecurity.

i think thats what it was, in my case. for real. insecurity. that’s just me though, i know that’s not every gg stan’s reason, but that was probably mine. i avoided listening to bgs for a while just because i was insecure. it’s the dumbest thing in the world lol. especially since nct 127′s music is probably the closest to the kind of music that i was into before kpop of any kpop group haha. they scratch my death grips itch just like how a lot of girl groups scratch my grimes itch.

anyway im rambling because i have to go do errands and i really dont want to, so im procrastinating by introspecting. that doesnt make sense lol i feel like this is something i should also avoid doing

[gh0stpkmn]

Yooran AU/scenario where yoosung has a popular gaming channel & streams his gameplay 

(under the read more)

yoosung is #2 in his server soooo... he’s probably well-known among other players?? 

(fuck idk how league of legends and world of warcraft work because ive never played either but. anyways.)

i dunno if its common for people with a really high ranking to be like mini-celebrities in the community but.. for the purposes of this whole shebang, yoosung is really well known 

and very popular especially because he goes out of his way to help out less experienced players even though he’s one of the big guys at the top, you know? very humble and very kind which only makes him stand out more

eventually people suggest that he try streaming on twitch (or “afreeca” which a lot of south korean gamers use i think?) and make a gaming channel. and he’s all for it!!!! 

yoosung’s channel gets popular pretty quickly?? he starts out at a solid point because his LOLOL buddies that he usually plays with and his guild members support his channel/streams a lot and spread the word (when they’re not playing w/ him while he streams ofc)... it doesn’t take long at all for it to rlly take off, and he gains a decently big following!!

he’s already been dating saeran for quite a while when he starts his channel but saeran is very shy so yoosung is careful to respect saeran’s privacy. when saeran is over while yoosung is streaming, he stays out of sight of the facecam and keeps quiet

yoosung’s LOLOL friends know him though bc he talks about his boyfriend every now and then in voice chat w/ them,  but also bc saeran is at his place a lot and they hear him in the background, or hear yoosung talking to him occasionally.

i guess at some point during one of his streams, his buddies casually ask where saeran is and they ask how he’s doing and all that... because he’s never in the streams at all and they haven’t heard from him in a while. 

yoosung’s like  “yeah he’s here! he’s doing alright! just hanging out watching tv.” 

and his fans who don’t know abt saeran are just like. “?????? who is saeran” yoosuung tells them that he’s a friend that hangs out his place a lot and that he’s just sort of shy (2 respect saeran’s privacy and also bc they haven’t decided if they wanna be so publicly out yet??)

and naturally, his viewers are kinda curious and it makes them more curious when yoosung and his friends bring him up briefly but saeran is Never seen or heard in any streams or videos. the boy is a goddamn Mystery to yoosung’s viewers.

tbh saeran probably like.. watches the streams a lot when he’s not at his boyfriend’s house but he uses some random fake name or some shit so no one in the chat can tell he’s there.

eventually like. he gets less shy, more comfortable and he can be heard in the background making a noise or smth. asking yoosung a question. that kind of thing.

the first time it’s an accident and everyone is like “!??! who is that???” and yoosung tells them and they get So Excited and respond with “!!! THERE HE IS!!!! the elusive saeran!!” yoosung and his friends just laugh bc its funny n cute?

but ye he steadily makes more casual background appearances and it pretty much becomes one big meme with yoosung’s friends and viewers. they say stuff like 

“new cryptid discovered”

and “he’s a legend.... a myth... no one has ever seen his face”  

(shitty harry potter quote) “it’s like trying to catch smoke... like trying to catch smoke with your bare hands.”

“some say he can wipe your memories so you forget that you ever met him”

its. so good... Every Time they hear the fridge closing or a voice in the background or they catch a lil flash of red hair behind yoosung on the face cam, the chat Explodes like “THERE HE IS!!! there he is! he really does exist!!”

they both find it rlly hilarious omg. saeran says it’s stupid and dumb at first but he obviously loves it... he laughs out loud a few times watching what people are saying abt him while he’s at yoosung’s and ppl hear it and are like “!!!! what is he laughing at??” 

yoosung: “ oh haha he’s lookin at the chat right now”

the chat: “omg he sees us!!!!” 

“saeran! reply if you’re real! we need proof!!!”

“there he is. the absolute madman”

“hi, saeran!” 

“you should sit by yoosung so we can see you!!” 

“saeran!! hello!! have you eaten?”

its so sweET and cute!! and i feel like maybe around this time as stuff like this continues happening.. a lot of viewers kinda assume or are starting to suspect that they’re dating? idk. 

maybe yoosung doesn’t outright say anything or confirm their relationship but there are a lot of clear signs like...yoosung moves away from his mic t talk to saeran more often (stuff like asking him what he wants for dinner, laughing abt some offhand comment he made)... the fact that saeran is at yoosung’s so often, too. it’s obvious that they’re very comfortable with each other and they seem close

and a biggest indicator is probably the way yoosung talks abt saeran when the chat notices he’s there in the bg? like:

“Aw, you guys, you’re making him embarrassed.”  or  “...Huh? Oh, don’t worry! He’s not replying because he’s really shy.”  or   “Haha, I think I can see him blushing!” 

this probably goes on for a pretty long time? a few months. gradually saeran appears more, comes over to comment on the game or how yoosung is playing, maybe cheer him on a little? while mostly staying out of sight... tho sometimes when he feels less anxious he’ll be directly behind or beside yoosung in the facecam feed. 

his viewers think he’s super cute when they see his face for the first time, and they say so in the chat. yoosung agrees w them like 

“Yeah. He really is, isn’t he?” 

and the chat Explodes again bc

that’s probably the first official confirmation in a stream that they’re in a relationship. saeran is embarrassed and flustered and annoyed but also kind of happy and he says “Shut the fuck up.” and covers his face w his hands and he’s Bright red but also smiling just a teeeny tiny bit behind his hands.

yoosung’s LOLOL friends are so relieved that they don’t have to keep it a secret anymore and they start teasing yoosung in streams almost as much they do when they’re just playin together casually

after that, ppl start suggesting/requesting that saeran and yoosung play games together on the stream!!!

 and at first theyre a lil hesitant for a few reasons? like, saeran still has a lot of issues and gets vvvvvery Anxious so it might be a bit stressful for him. and also that content would be so different than yoosung’s usual stuff.  

(also even tho they’re never that affectionate in streams bc saeran is iffy about pda, theyyyy... still worry a little about people bein’ dickbags bc its a mlm relationship and the internet can be a mean place... idk i also dont know how widely accepted same-gender couples are in south korea?? but ye) 

BUT a lot of ppl seem to want it!! 

so when saeran gains enough confidence, they do it!! they maybe make a separate channel for streaming that stuff. they just post recorded videos on his regular channel tho under a specific title and it’s its own little series.

and it turns out it’s almost as popular as his other content and does rlly well! 

occasionally they play LOLOL casually together but saeran isn’t rlly into it as much as yoosung is so mostly they play a bunch of different multiplayer games. they also play a lot single-player ones that are very story-driven or just. interesting in general.

a couple times they play horror games and those ones are really popular bc yoosung gets So Scared. he Hates horror games he’s so jumpy at everything and screams so loud. 

meanwhile saeran barely reacts. he might occasionally get surprised by a jump scare on his more anxious days but most of the time he’s like....... so.. calm. so unfazed by everything that viewers are like “what the fuck dude” “how is he so chill right now”

however... even tho the horror game streams/videos are rlly popular, they don’t do them that often bc yoosung gets legitimately scared often to a point where he doesn’t enjoy them lol ... its ok tho bc saeran snuggles him afterwords but. YyYYyeeah. yeah.

saeran and yoosung have a lot of fun and their viewers love them and it’s a very good fun pure thing n everyone is happy. 

the end

( really Unlikely but cute bonus for a few years later:  yoosung fucks up on the stream talkin w his buddies and accidentally mentions smth abt proposing to saeran before he actually does it and bc he’s streaming to a fuckton of ppl, it gets around so fast and saeran finds out right away. yoosung is so embarrassed and frustrated that he ruined the surprise )

.

god pleas e... talk to me about yooran. i need people to talk to about this ship so i can stop posting long things like this like a loser lol

[hyun-seong]

Hey I can see you’re alive lol. Have your days been alright like better than before? You can ask me anything and I’ll tell you what I have been doing. I just got out of ‘long’ shower and noticed you when I open the app. Tbh I’ve been feeling depressed and like there’s no one who could help me get distracted and make me laugh since last month otl. Well there was my best friends but something happen so yeah. I’ve been feeling tired of living this world for four years haha. It okay because (1/2)

 It’s okay since I have some male groups I like and help me forget living this world just little bit 

TW SUicide on this one fellas

MY DAYS have been a little better, my mom gets more and more healed every day even if its slow or a little bit, I am tired because I have to irrigate her tubing every six hours aND IM BAD AT SLEEPING so i lose time not sleeping and then trying to sleep but my body is adjusting so thats good lmao I WAS ACTUALLY doing really badly until last night if im being honest, the stress was getting to me and i was angry that not only did i have to do this mostly by myself but that i also had to deal with my grandmother breathing down my back PRETENDING to help, i was changing her stoma bag and I was taught how to do this, she wasnt, she really had no business trying to dictate what to do and she didnt know what half the things i was doing were for so im trying basically to add binding powder in the area between her skin and her intestine and im about to pour it in and shes like “Dont do that yet” and like tries to dislodge something that just...isnt ready to come out...AND I WAS THINKING IN MY HEAD...MCSCUSE ME BITCH THE FUCK DO YOU KNOW....IF YOU WANTED TO be in the way so bad why didnt you learn from one of the nurses who was like ALWAYS in there you blew your chance....and then my poor mother was saying how she felt so bad i had to do this and i was trying to tell her look youre my mother i really dont mind and im trying to console her and my grandma cuts me off to tell her that she doesnt mind like WHAT....WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU DONT MIND?? WHAT DO YOU DO BUT LAUNDRY EVERY SO OFTEN?? TF??? SHE WASNT TALKING TO YOU.....LEAVE....god i was livid....and then the home nurse who comes every three days to change her bandages was supposed to arrive at 7pm so 6pm comes around and my grandma is like trying to find her business card to call and bother her and im like?? wait until 7 and call if she doesnt show?? and shes like BUT SHE SAID...SHED CALL AND CONFIRM...and my dads like “mom just wait for a bit” and she goes like “OH OK i wont call, I guess im the only one who CARES” and im like WHAT THE FUCK....................... and hes just like “she said shes coming at 7 and would call if she needed to go at a different time” and that shut her up....the gall....the goddamn gall...the sheer audacity......to imply i dont care.....when the bags under my eyes have BAGS and she sleeps a solid 12 hours a night LIKE SORRY I HAVE FAITH IN A PAID PROFESSIONAL...

BUUUT in the middle of the night my boyfriend sends me a message (THIS IS BG INFO PLEASE FEEL FREE TO SKIP UNTIL YOU SEE !!!!!!!!!!!!! IF U WANT) and as you might know hes been living in Seattle since august but flew down for a month to be here during my moms surgery, so hes been saying stuff like oh we can do this, lets do this, or we will do this next time AND STUFF like that and im thinking to myself when the fuck do you think we have the time to do this stuff you have to go back at the end of the month.....but it was nice to hear so i didnt challenge the statements hahaha because it was hard since we met in may 2016  but IT FEELS LIKE...A CENTURY ive known him.  I remember like a couple months ago he was like man i cant believe its already been two years AND IM LIKE IT HASNT...IT REALLY HASNT.........ITS NOT EVEN 1.5.....and we were both like..........what the fuck??? and its because...we never got to do the fun things, we met, had a good few dates and then Life Happened™ the way it tends to about 5 months after we met, and he said basically I have to move to Seattle because I am inheriting a restaurant and I don’t think there’s ever going to be a person like you again and i wanted to ask you to be my girlfriend and was waiting for the right time and i think i should start fresh and you should find someone who can give you the time you deserve, it sounded like a sacrifice and it was ridiculous to me because time with anyone else met nothing to me, it wasnt what i wanted, and i cried for DAYS just nonstop crying, and I always thought movies were overreacting but it feels like you’re legitimately dying, and to me it hurt worse because he liked me, it would have hurt less if he just didnt like me, that I could get over, but youre always taught love prevails so it felt like such a blindside when it doesn’t, but there was something in me, this nagging feeling like I am not going to leave him alone, LIKE IF HE STOPS ANSWERING my texts messages I will respect that IM NOT GOING TO BE LIKE...........STAY WITH ME IF U DONT WANT TO..... but I will pull for him as long as I can because thats what i felt was right, and not to toot my own horn but im not usually wrong when my brain nags me about something

so 2017 starts and i invite him every possible place I can, he took forever to reply to my texts but he would....eventually....we spent our birthdays together, we went thrift shopping, went to the zoo, and i never touched him but to shake his hand goodbye until my birthday where he held his arms out to hug me. The zoo was the last time I saw him before he moved and this was August 2017 and we were watching the gorillas and i love apes and monkeys haha so we were sitting on the bench in the back cos i had to be there for a bit and he held his hand out for me to hold it and i was so happy sitting there looking at apes holding his hand and i felt him squeeze it, I don’t know if he knew I’d notice but I did, and I thought to myself “I would die for this” because it was the only thing I stood to lose in this world and I would let it kill me

SO HE moves at the end of August and since he took so long moving the restaurant with to his other aunt and im a miserable son of a bitch and the whole time im concocting a plan to make it work but im not allowed where hes staying because im white so IM NOT WELCOME LOL....and he wasnt being paid for his work so its not like we could rent somewhere and i have a bad income myself lol it just seemed so impossible, and he said im so sorry i had been distant to you for that time, the idea of being away from you hurt so much and i knew in the end i would be separated from you and nothing was going to change it but you showed since day one unconditional love and youve told me how much you loved me in so many ways without ever saying it and it made me realize my past relationships had been wrong the whole time and I knew it because...my brain nagged me and told me but it was still such a relief to hear and when he came down for the fake christmas we had to throw before moms surgery we actually got to be like a normal couple haha...but it hurt because I knew I just had to say goodbye again

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

so anyways last night I get a message saying my brother says if I clean up the house and live her permanently, I can get a cat, and I really want to get a cat and it just...now when I am stressed I think about it, I get to keep him haha, you know he never did actually ask me to be his girlfriend, hes the type who wouldn't want to create in me obligation if he couldn't provide for me,  NOT THAT i ever mind, but its like maybe its redundant at this point who knows haha and he still inherits that restaurant heaven forbid his other aunt dies, but then well....I’ll be allowed in the house.......... SO LIFE...CAN get better in like the BLINK of an eye, sometimes the greatest gifts will fall in your lap to keep you through the hardest of times, so thats why when I never asked him why he was so hopeful for a future of us because I never wanted him to stop talking like that, because it was something I had never gotten to hear until this month and now I know why 

BUT I AM YOUR BEST FRIEND I WILL MAKE YOU LAUGH

that makes me laugh 

but really you’re not alone, you are a great great friend to me, and I know that me even saying that might not even help, myself, my mother, my boyfriend and my bestfriend are heavily depressed you know I can vouch it runs in my family pretty deep, and when one suggests suicide one has to come in and say ....NO NO NOW BAD IDEA...its like we just stay alive to make sure the others stay alive because you want them to live, its a sad sad cycle but its kept us alive...barely...theres been close calls with all of us lmfao and its kinda hard to worry about keeping 4 ppl alive...but we are still so THATS GOTTA COUNT

 and its okay to not be okay, but you arent wrong or bad or broken and you are definitely not a burden especially on the days where mustering a grin is impossible, anyone expecting you to be happy all the time only wants the joyous you, and in that case they dont deserve the joyous you anyways

HEY WHATEVER keeps you going as little and as dumb as it may seem or sound, it isn’t, I remember I would only get out of bed because I told myself “I have to wash my face” AND ITS GOOD you have these groups to keep you afloat and if you’re looking for some good laughs I suggest watching Cow Chop because they make me laugh every day anD ITS NICE...theyre fucking funny haha 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hT3myJSvQlU&list=PLh9wof0uUEewSqGIiU1cLB0o-9VpcDqZl&index=38

i recommend starting with these videos and amazon primetime because it will acclimate you to the main two who make up cow chop and i linked you to one of my favs I HOPE YOU LIKE THEM unless you already know them I STILL HOPE YU LIKE THEM

that being said youre doing well, you’re doing very well and I am sorry its hurting because its a terrible feeling and it doesnt go away, it probably never does end altogether as small as you may be able to push it down thats why I want to make sure when the boygroups disband you have something, I dont want to risk a shock to the system when you wake up and go WHAT DO I HAVE...I HAVE NOTHING....ITS NOT LIKELY because interests do change and you do find things but to make sure that doesnt happen all I can really do is offer you my unwavering support and love, any method of contact thats good for you is good for me IDK WHY MY TUMblr didnt show i had messages for like two days but yours actually dinged on my phone which is how i sAW I HAD SOME.... so hopefully they ding on my phone still and i will be able to get to you ASAP but if you need my facebook for messenger or my number so i can be there quicker you can also send me a dm and ill get you those AND IF YOU CAN try and do something small for the you in the future, I know its hard to think about future you when present you doesnt even wanna exist BUT future you is coming and they will thank you, I screwed my future self over so many times and now present me is like youre a real dumbfuck so LEARN FROM MY MISTAKES LOL but forgetting i guess is good, I GUESS...cos its what i do like im happy until i remember then im like ah...yes..BUT THEN im worried its avoiding the problem so IDK if thats healthy or not BUT WHAT CAN YOU DO....ill let you know if i know

ANYWAYS good luck, I am rooting for you, I love you so dearly and I care so much about you and I hope one day I get a message saying im happy im here