#theyre like a plague in my brain (positive) | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

leminhthinking · 2 years ago

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i just found a bunch of words i wrote (as comments on my own facebook post) right after going to the theater to watch Everything Everywhere All At Once. it ended abruptly because i wanted to do something else that day and forgot to come back but well. this is a way to view Everything Everywhere All At Once taking it as equivalent to Umineko's magic viewpoint

oK WELL. firstly im a regret fueled multi timeline eeaao truther, because the multi timeline concept when portrayed as created by choices doesnt sit right with my brain and from this lens everything makes sense to me. because as timelines created by randomness, it feels so heartless and pointless; while the idea, the very message eeaao's trying to convey is exactly the opposite of that. theyre all regrets. just like when Evelyn told Waymond she saw a great life without him and she wished he could see it

how i view eeaao is basically

(knowing) everything (the facts - the Shape of the Universe, the one Truth)

(being) everywhere (the pain. the hope - the feelings, the Heart, the Human Part)

all at once (accepting that and continue to live on)

or everything (question arc), everywhere (answer/core arc), all at once (tea party) /hj

that can only make sense when the multiverse isnt something to just. be. something that neglects the people living in it. but also in this way or another way, intended or just described as such shortly after, another name, another portrayal of regrets. not just hm. not just any regrets. personal regrets. for example if you take Evelyn's line to Waymond about her martial arts timeline out of the sci-fi (namely "magic") context, it could be translated to "i regretted marrying you just to live an ordinary life". and i like that view a lot more because framed in this way it actually centers the people more than it seems. that yes nothing matters everything could be different everywhere in time and space but their core remains the same...

also like theres really something about "Jobu Tupaki" (the concept, what is talked about by other people) that is alienated and detached from her "original self" (what is perceived by. well let's say, Evelyn) at the start. how Evelyn wanted to be just like Jobu, as in, having her strength, her power, the reason of her formation, so that she could defeat Jobu. thats an approach that is lack of love - just like the whole verse jumping thing at the start, which was used to get special abilities only. thats like just asking for the "how" only to redo the exact thing, not considering that their positions are so different, not considering that everyone in themselves are different either

just like this, Evelyn's turning the chessboard around, assuming the opponent to be just the same as her, having the same kind of position, the same kind of mindset as her. she's seeing The Truth only as a sequence of actions and not considering the person behind it. i mean, fair. Jobu's talked about like the plague anyway, she's so alienated from the family and detached from "Joy Wang" as a concept

like i said earlier, everywhere is about the very Heart. eeaao's core arc. first half of this is exactly what Evelyn wanted earlier, she got put into Jobu's shoes, understood, but then only felt and acted like Jobu instead of creating any difference. the position changed, from the outspoken "ill defeat her if i become just like her", to the silent "of course she would become this way". Evelyn became numb to every universe shes in, existing for the sake of existing, because existing in itself to her no longer holds meaning if everything is everything and everything changes and everything is meaningless and doesnt matter. personally i feel like thats such a beautifully written tragedy. if nothing really matters, even people with a higher sense of understanding, living life as if theyre on a higher plane of existence, cannot escape such numbness and detachment

like this is not my life. ive lived so many lives. i cannot feel what im supposed to feel because i felt too much, and that emotional energy source had run out on me

this image again:

its so sad to want this then finally have someone who understand you only for them to think hmm theres really no other way

also since were going with the regret fueled multi timeline understanding it is also. knowing that things you regret, if given the chance to happen, would still leaves you with so much pain and other regrets, with just some random specks of happiness. happiness, in that way, does not hold any meaning, if it too shall pass, and replaced by suffering instead. even in a world that doesnt exist, a world you want, a world you aim for, a world youre more than you now, youre still going to suffer as hard as your current world

the second half of everywhere is very frequently talked about so although i really really love it i dont really want to keep repeating what others had said because. yknow. i love the message a Lot but others had made it very obvious. i love being kind i love cherishing feelings despite feeling like living in so many lives. despite regretting so many lives. because every lives are worth living! not just existing aimlessly and throwing away emotions because they dont matter

(this is also the exact approach that i often tell people to read umineko with, although a bit different because its consuming a story and in this case its living. nevertheless, theyre all cherishing your feelings to the fullest, and not neglecting everything to find what is "real" and "true")

so like what i really do want to talk about is the contrast of how Jobu is seen by Evelyn at the start of the movie and at this very point. the keyword is acceptance. with kindness, understanding leads to acceptance, and that very acceptance ties the "Jobu" everyone feared wth "Joy Wang", Evelyn's daughter, together, as they should have always been because theres no Great Evil splitting from Evelyn's daughter, there has always been just Her. the final notes of everywhere resonate with me so much, because then, it finally clicked for Evelyn, and she chose to accept that truth

and i think that acceptance is so so important and what touched me. separating the aspects you dont agree or like from who your loved ones really is, then only love the parts you like hurts them

#leminhthinking in paragraphs #lemakethings #because i editted the image then used it twice in a post </3 #everything everywhere all when the seagulls cry #eeaao spoilers #umineko spoilers #confession of the golden witch spoilers #wow im beginning to think that on that day i had a sugar rush

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opinion-haver · 8 months ago

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preface: im asian. im nb. while i will discuss astrology for fun (it is fun!) i dont like the current astrology trend, its a slippery slope.

i respect western astrology as an alternate heuristic for deriving meaning from experience, like suggestion. the human mind is a thing that needs to be taken out of itself in order to make proper sense of itself. ive a costar that i screenshot to my friends to have an excuse to talk to them, and we can use it as an excuse to talk meta about friendship.

and i can hardly disagree that culturally its impact is immense-- the present connection to things that our far ancestors dreamed about, it ties us down culturally. the modern western constellation system can trace back to the fertile crescent (see the babylonian star catalogues), the sumerian fertility goddess inanna overlapping with venus and with pisces, theyre echos of what plagued humans since the dawn of recorded history. even the central conceit encodes a microcosm of human history-- why did early humans look up at the night sky, all over the globe in separate instances, and collectively decide that the stars encoded some meaning in their earthly lives? and when these stars are representative of stories from a culture that you have to struggle against the current to maintain, its even more right that astrology would be a worthwhile ritual to have in your arsenal as well as a tradition to uphold.

BUT in the conceptual harms of western astrology in its current incarnation, it is not a good method of meaningful inquiry or authority. it eschews its own critique-- logic, the processes your brain uses to make meaning out of the senses, is forgone for an authority displaced into a nebulous set of "energies". these energies do not culturally come from nothing-- its as if you replaced the judeochristian god with twelve ambiguous, non-denominational entities. without proper self examination (esp! if youre white!) you'll find yourself echoing the status quo under the guise of magic.

on the topic of efficacy consider the case study that costar has to lean into the barnumness of itself and thereby refuses its position of authority. it spits out generic self help platitudes to make you feel empowered, or sympathetic to yourself (if you're having power or trouble in those random ass fields of your life respectively). if it actually spoke with authority ("leave your wife, mars is in retrograde") nobody would use it. itd be a crapshoot.

a lot of queer people i know in real life are either into or open to talking about astrology but online i think ive noticed a lot more people who dislike astrology and im super curious to see if that holds up.

please reblog for sample size and elaborate in the tags if you want!

#im not going to speak on african astrology it is not my place. that being said a brief google looks grim for shared knowledge #in the ai generated sites the stories have no basis. the symbolism is orphaned. its for people seeking to madlibs western astrology.#i do see that in various african cultures they practice geomancy though #when will we have a geomancy craze. that'd fuck like hell #adornos theses against occultism will always be in my mind. ugh #also idk what meaningful distinction is between queer and trans for this case is. like is it so that queer people like astrology more? hmm

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drunkjaked · 3 years ago

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hi sweetheart!! happy 1 month on tumblr !!! omg it's felt like 1 week alone but I'm so glad you came here, your energy is just AMAZING and youre just so cool fr and youre writing is sooo good. sorry for not being in for a while, my brain has just been repeating the same hard thoughts ngl LMFAOO

but! something that has been plaguing my mind is how much 02z (i usually think abt mean dom jay but the other two have me ruined) would LOVEE mirror sex and having you seated on their laps with your back to their chest, one hand holding your jaw forcing you to watch yourself in the mirror and the other, with 3 fingers fucking into you mercilessly and mocking how wet you are for them ("only had my fingers in this pretty cunt and youre dripping all over me?", "keep your eyes on me baby, want you to see how much of a mess you make because of me.", "so loud. let the neighbours know how good i am for you yeah?") while their knees make sure your legs don't part. the sight is so nasty and they just LOVE it. they would even have you record it and threaten to send it to their (hyung line) gc (with your consent) bc they know how much the other boys like you and you just look so pretty for them; tears streaming down your face in pleasure, hands shaking, neck marked up and decorated with his hand, legs spread and thighs shining bc youre dripping all over yourself and on his thighs, chest heaving and moans sounding pretty as usual with your chest bear and skirt pushed up to your waist. sometimes theyll kiss you while fingering you in this position just to see how you struggle to kiss back or moan into their mouth how good theyre making you feel and will smirk against your lips asking "whats wrong? whyd you stop?" in faux concern and stop moving their fingers until you continue kissing them again.

when you do come from their fingers though, they will make you bounce on their cock reverse cowgirl style so you can continue to see how good the view is and how pretty they look with their head thrown back at how good you feel and their hands holding your hips or waist. if you do look away or turn your head when you "forget yourself" (their words), they'll probably grab your neck and bring you to look back at the wide mirror or they'd slap your clit or thighs to bring you back to them. theyre so mean but they just love to see you cry bc of their dick :( - 🗣

thank u sm my dear 🗣 anon! the passage of time is so crazy honestly .. 😵‍💫😵‍💫😵‍💫 AGH THANK YOU I APPRECIATE UR SWEET WORDS ! 🤞💕🔑🩰 and don’t apologise at all !! just send asks whenever u feel like it - soft thoughts, hard thoughts, anything u wanna say u can hmu <3

i have read this 4 times im ?? in awe THIS IS SO HOT HOW DID YOU???? so so so so so so good at writing i love ur asks every time IVE BEEN THINKING ABT THIS ALL DAY 😭

#🗣 anon #saxophonist 💌🫀#thinking.. in a hard way #about jay.. in a hard way #about jake.. in a hard way #about sunghoon.. in a hard way

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thebeethathums · 6 years ago

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Observers - 48

Pairing: Sherlock Holmes x Reader

A/N: Annnnddd Sherly ruins the moment unintentionally... because he's Sherly.

The bed seemed terribly empty when Sherlock woke up and you were missing, for a while by the coolness of the bedding next to him. He rolled out of it to find all his clothes except for his shirt neatly folded on the bedside table and pulled them on before wandering out to the living room. He couldn’t help but grin when he saw you in front of your easel fully dressed in the clothes from the night before, your hair pulled back, and a fat brush in hand. He watched you work on your new painting, sitting down in your chair since you didn’t seem aware of the fact that he was awake. It was the same canvas from the night before but you had incorporated both his and your handprints from his experiment into it, making it more abstract than it had been originally. From the amount of work you’d done at this level of concentration, you had to have been up at least a few hours if not longer, meaning his experiment was a success. You reached for a tube of paint absentmindedly, having used all that you’d set out of that color, and sighed when you found it empty. You scrunched up your face as you turned with the intent to see if you had another tube stashed away somewhere and startled when you saw Sherlock in your chair, offering him a small nervous smile, “I’m sorry, Sherlock, I didn’t notice you were up… about your shirt… I don’t think I’ll be able to get the paint out. I’ll replace it, but you should probably go put on another before John gets home.” He could tell something was off but not what, so he simply stated, “You’re painting again.” You didn’t even bother to scold him for pointing out the obvious, turning to look at your painting with a tiny smile, “Yes. I just woke up and felt like doing so… That hasn’t happened in a while.”

Sherlock got the smuggest of smug looks on his face, “My experiment was a success. The minds of average people are so easily distracted by the physical.” You froze in your examination of your painting, an unsettling chill running through you, “What?” Overly proud of himself and cocky as all hell, he missed the slight hint of unease in your voice, “I hypothesized that reassociating the act of painting with something of a positive nature that overloaded the senses would override the negative effects of your past experiences. From your success this morning, the intense physical contact of an affirming nature overruled the issues plaguing you before- in effect resetting your simplistic mind to allow you to paint again. I suppose there are benefits to having a normal brain.” “So this was all part of your experiment?” you queried, your voice dangerously quiet. “Of course.” Your face fell for a moment before you composed yourself and then announced, “You should go. John will be back from Amy’s soon.”

It was more evident that something was wrong now given the demanding edge to your voice but, as usual, that was as far as he got- if you didn’t want him to know your thoughts then he wouldn’t know them. It bothered him that he could only ascertain that you were upset but not why and since it obviously wasn’t over being able to paint again, as that was a good thing, he decided it must be about your friend. Of course, he was wrong but what can you do? He got up to leave because you were right- John would be home soon- and he still didn’t do the whole comforting thing, especially not when you wanted him out. You moved back to your painting, distracting yourself by working on one of the more detailed corners as you mumbled, “Don’t forget your violin.” Once he'd gone, you stopped, your jaw clenching in thought, and decided to try and clear your head by taking a shower to get rid of the paint on your skin reminding you of the night before. When you’d woken up that morning you weren’t sure how to act, you felt guilty about his ruined shirt, and then you began to question the whole thing. You’d distracted yourself by painting since that was what had woken you up in the first place but when he’d got up and said what he said- all the doubts came rushing back. You scolded yourself as the water ran down your skin, you knew he was just curious and that it wouldn’t be anything more. He’d been using you to figure out another aspect of human behavior, it was your fault for getting caught up in it since you’d know that from the start. You could hardly be mad at him for suddenly catching more feelings than either of your intended. You hadn’t even wanted a relationship… when had that changed? When did you start wanting more? You considered it for a moment, it wasn’t as though he didn’t care… he had helped you with your painting even if the how hadn’t been exactly what you’d expected. But then again, it may have been just so that he didn’t have to go through the tedious task of getting you out of work every time he wanted something from you. Maybe John had been right- you weren’t an experiment and letting him treat you as such was messing you up. Clean and dressed, you looked over your apartment, entirely conflicted, and debated what you should do next. You could lie on the floor and think but that didn’t sound appealing at all- your thoughts were too jumbled. You could let the need to be destructive that was creeping into your chest take over but that was hardly productive or helpful- not to mention you’d have to clean up later. There was only one other option and out of the three it seemed the best- you could paint and lose yourself in it... might as well put the results of Sherlock’s ‘experiment’ to good use. You cranked up some music on your stereo system to a ‘don’t disturb me’ level, a painting playlist of random unrelated songs that you liked, set up a new palette after washing your brushes and getting new water, and then set aside the painting you’d been working on in favor of a blank white canvas. Best not to think about how that one was made, you reasoned as you mixed a starting color. You let yourself get lost in the action, spreading bold strokes of reds and yellows over the surface as you let out all the emotions you’d been holding inside for so long. John broke into a wide grin when he came home and heard your odd choice in music, knowing it meant you were painting again as he climbed the stairs to his flat. Sherlock was spread out on the couch as usual, deep in thought, and John rolled his eyes as he went into the kitchen. Your music shut off just before noon, when your alarm went off the remind you that you had to go to work, and John came down to see how you were doing just as you were locking the door to your flat, “How’s the painting going, Squeak?” You sighed, “Good I suppose. Certainly better then it has been.” He stopped you when you went to leave, pushing the hair escaping your bun behind your ear, “What’s the matter, (F/n)? That’s a good thing, isn’t it? You should be happy.” You forced a small grin, “I am, Johnny. I’ve just got a lot on my mind is all.” “Like what?” You chuckled, removing yourself from his grasp, “Like work. I’ve gotta go.” He frowned as you left, you should have been ecstatic about being able to paint again...what was so pressing in your mind that it had stolen the wind from your sails? Climbing the stairs again, he went to see if Sherlock knew anything, reaching for the half-full mug of coffee next to him to get his attention. Sherlock’s eyes snapped open to glare at him for trying to touch his mug, effectively halting John's advance, “What?” “Do you have any idea what’s got (F/n) looking so troubled?” “Not in the slightest.” John huffed, unconvinced but unwilling to press, and plopped down in his chair as Sherlock went back to thinking. He’d enjoyed the night before, snippets of it kept replaying in his mind, and he’d never slept better but, for some reason, he couldn’t shake what had happened when he’d woken up. Social conventions and his study of human behavior on the subject told him that the thoughtless masses determined the morning after to be a complex moment. He didn’t understand why. It seemed to him that it could go one of two ways: your partner could slip away before it was light and never call or they could remain and continue the relationship. He’d stayed. Simple. So why had you been so nervous? He supposed it had something to do with your past as you were displaying signs of distress over something as unimportant as the state of his shirt but then you’d also told him to leave- a complete turn around from the night before when you suggested he shower with you. He’d done everything right and yet something was wrong. He was missing something… it had to be some odd facet of human behavior that he hadn’t considered. The only question was which one…

Tags <3:

@team-free-sherlock @multifandom-ramblings @madshelily @severusminerva @yes-but-theyre-my-dorks @smitemewiththysherlock @not-fandom-addicted @unknownwonder @deducingdevil @aviien @mrsfrankensteinsworld @lolamurphy @bakerstreethound @musical-doll-x @protectteamfreewill @delightful-pirate @lilcutekittykat @broke-and-overwhelmed @adri1ii @turtle-at-the-disco @fanfictionsilove @chasedbyhowlingwolves @thorkyrie-rights

#sherlock x reader #Sherlock Holmes x Reader #BBC Sherlock #reader insert #Watson!Reader #sherlock holmes #Sherlock #John Watson #reader #sibling!reader #artist reader #slow burn #sherlock is a bit dense #x reader #fanfic #fan ficton #thebeethathums #Observers

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astrogobo · 5 years ago

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so anyways the point of the tag-rant is

[i dont know how to put a read more on mobile but i guess this is your read more?? this is just a rant feel free to scroll]

-dont assume "older sibling problems" only apply to the older sibling, cause hello walking exception here, ive related to basically every 'older sibling problem' post ive ever seen and im the youngest in the family

-thats partly because my relationship with my family sucks (not in an objectively Bad Person way, in a neglectful/self-inflicted by pushing them away for kinda valid reasons.. way?) (like just random example obviously we are all unable to leave the house rn & have been like this fr two months and i see family members for around 10 minutes (15 max) per day

again thats self-inflicted by me staying in my room all day, mostly because im trying to limit my interaction with them as much as possible because i am a panromantic asexual nonbinary agnostic person who really identifies with deism, and they are devout muslims who are active and in positions of power in nationwide muslim organizations and their siblings are casually homophobic pretty much all the time. but just because its self inflicted doesnt mean its fine to be happening cause in an ideal world the circumstances for the self-inflicted separation wouldnt exist.

but at the same time it isnt just the homophobia and 'we know you better than you know yourself cause youre too young to understand yourself' comments. its the way that i have always been compared to my older sister, who seems to be the perfect child: mature, never really went through a rebellious teen phase, a devout muslim just like the parents, a good cis straight girl with straight a's and the motivation and drive to do things with her life, who worked through depression without a therapist or meds, who manages to get shit done with her adhd trying to stop her at every turn. compared with me, an as-established Not-cis Not-straight disaster who can barely drag themself out of bed in the morning, who has given up on the classes they arent interested in, who is stubborn and prideful to a ridiculous extent, who is perfectly neurotypical yet is unable to do Anything with their life, who watches youtube all day while wallowing in self-pity because they cant even muster the energy to do the things they love, who has furious dedication to an activity their parents hate, whose closest friends are all not good enough because theyre gay so theyre a bad influence on them, who just wants to experience being a teen and experiment with themself without consequences and live a normal life but they cant because their sister was so mature by this time and never wanted to go to dances or date or go to concerts or swear and why cant they just be a good kid like their sister? their sister was a good muslim girl by now, why cant they? their sister calls their (homophobic) aunt nearly every day and tells her everything, why cant they? their sister cares about her family and doesnt act stupid with her friends because she doesnt have any her own age because they arent mature enough for her and contributes to society and spends time with her parents and doesnt avoid her father like the plague because shes terrified of what would happen if her father truly knew her. so why cant they?

my sister has never been a 'normal' kid. besides just the adhd wired into her brain - growing up my mother often said that when my sister was four years old, she was a teenager, and when she was 10 she was an adult, in terms of emotional maturity. she was never influenced by people her own age. to my knowledge she's only ever been properly close with one person her own age, and at they only talked for about a year. at this point, its been a long time since shes had a truly close friend. but somehow, shes the one they see as 'normal'. and im stuck being compared to a standard i am physically and mentally unable to reach, even if i wanted to.

to be fair, im not really 'normal' either, but im a hell of a lot closer to it than she is. the only time theyve thought f me as the 'normal' one is when i was a baby, because i barely cried. i just looked around with wide eyes and an open mouth, taking in the world. this was in contrast to my sister who spent every waking moment crying. then they talked to some other parents and realized that i was not the normal one.

i dont know where im going with this, i guess i just wanted to rant?

#long post #rant #idk guys #family rant #sibling rant #vent #arab stuff

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ichijikanme · 8 years ago

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You said you got out of an Ni-Ti loop bc of hanging out w/ friends more-- utilizing ur time more efficiently; but my best friends cant hang out often; and other people are just fake to me :((( i mean theyre fun but its just tiring and i cant share my thoughts with them bc theyre honestly so stupid and fake lmao--- like they look at things like black/white when its more complex..... idk im so stressed and PPL R ANNOYING >:(

This is such an amazingly late response (sorry, these past few months have been extremely exhausting and I don't have the brain to think much of the time). Honestly tho? What I have to say to this is communication is a two way street. If you think people are fake, you gotta look at yourself first. If you are not close to someone, you can't expect to talk about deep emotional stuff with them. Some people open faster than others. Along the same route, if you're that Fe "nice" kind of person, you'll get nowhere too. And hell, if there are only those kind of people around you, learn to work with it. I can't say this for ever Pi-Ti loop, but verbally debating and whatnot helps me to reaffirm my Fe judgments to myself. See when I loop, it happens because I am unsure of how to process something in the realm of values. When something traumatic happens, my Fe disappears and I'm stuck in this never ending, "Am I in the wrong? Am I in the right? Do I deserve to get treated this way? Should I be treated worse...?" Fe holds the answer to my questions, but the loop keeps me in Ti mode and that can never come to a solid value based conclusion. To get out of a loop, at least imo, you don't exactly /need/ an emotionally positive atmosphere. You need a way to get Fe out /verbally/. You can talk to your friends about your feelings and get their feedback, but you can also debate with people. At least for me, once I start speaking, Fe will start running free. And by speaking, able to reach my own conclusions regarding the questions that plagued me. I come to terms with objective reality. Anyway, I hope this makes sense. And if it doesn't, sorry. My brain is p blegh today orz

#mbti #at least for me and the isfjs i know we like #we have a difficult time coming to terms with Fe reality #we can apply fe in a good way to everyone but ourselves

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beefyfarts · 5 years ago

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please ignore this im a fucken idiot

at this point im so depressed i cant even fucking think about myself without being like “thats too selfish” or some shit and like, i know that aint true when i say it out loud because that even deeper part of my brain is like “nah fam u good” because im not actually socially inept

but like, what the fuck, you know? ive taken those stupid fuckin tests at the counseling offices so many times and ive explained shit to other people involved with that whole mental shit business and they all say i have high rated ass depression. i agree with all the symptoms but am normalising them for myself. like, its normal for some idiot bitch teen to have a fucked sleep schedule and to have all these weird thoughts about fucky shit and to feel wor- yeah you know what i have depression. i was unironically doing that and you know what, maybe i do got something wrong with me

the michael kid says that i always look so depressed and that i probably need to get help and im starting to agree with him. its hard to open up about experiences without feeling like theyre not worth the pity party ill be throwing more for myself than anyone else will. its either the person has gone through worse or they just dont care. at this point im starting to feel like the counselors dont care and maybe thats the depresso talkin baby

all i can ever feel is negative shit, like, ill lash out at the stupidest shit and im so stubborn and irrational, and then ill start crying because i know what i said was either mean or stupid or demeaning to myself. all i can think about is how sad i feel in the moment, and at the end of the day, it all gets better because im thinking about little things, little interactions with people that made me feel good. usually im thinking about big shit i think “ruined my fucking life”, and then im like “nope not cash money what about that boy that gave you that smile” or “emma might think of you positively” or even “i had fun talking to my teacher” because like, even with all this shit happening i can still feel good about certain things i guess. i just dont want to feel sad anymore

sometimes in the middle of class every month or so ill shut down and just start stimming and playing with my hair while i feel the bags of my eyes get heavier and im like “no stop crying youre being a little bitch shut your fuck up” and ill want to cry even harder because ill think of my uncle and all the demeaning shit hes said to me, with my mom and with the humiliation of literally an entire school once somewhere in 4th grade. sometimes ill wanna let go and just start bawling but theres people around and i cant fuck with that whole “fuck you if you come near me ill find where exactly to stab you and ill do it so hard so fast you wont have time to react” rep bc i dont want these bitches on me like the plague

even as im typing this post im thinking about straight up deleting it but like, no, i just want to hurry up and get over myself: this is MY blog and i can claim it, even if no one likes to see this pussy shit. ugh you know what this whole thing is pathetic whatever

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n-o-w-is-l-a-t-e-r · 6 years ago

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Everything is Exploited for Survival Pt.5

“I'm gonna be free” – Me, You, and Everyone We Know.

All women subject themselves to marriage as to avoid prostitution. Women are the freest beings on the planet encaged within a sphere that holds them hostage. I believe prostitution is the profession created for women as it frees them from the constraints of society. The very conversion of pagan prostitutes into nuns in early Christianity proves that woman have and always will be commissioned as prostitutes: According to the Oxford English Dictionary, this text contains the first quotation in which ‘nunnery’ is used as slang for ‘brothel’ – the ironic opposite of a virginal community of nuns. In his book, Christs Teares over Jerusalem (1593), Thomas Nash or Nashe (1597–1601) refers to prostitutes who ‘give free privileges’ to gentlemen in ‘theyr Nunnery’ (pp. 79r–v). A nun, devotes herself entirely to God, thus sacrificing her body/mind/spirit. This very act of sacrifice is wholly submissive and brings to mind However, prostitution is stigmatized due to Religion. PAGANS were converted into prostitutes. Women don’t care about money as long as they are comfortable in their fluidity. They are pure Men are psychotic in their estimations. Blackness has been relegated to prostitution, to a lowly form of degradation, however, this is only partly true. As stated by Valerie Solana, men wish to control women for reproductive purposes in creating other men within a patriarchal system. Women are taught to fear themselves in male authority. The very essence of the Christian god is Ares, Marduk, the god of War. Men just wish to control others through abuse. The very creation of our bodies is an act of evil. Christianity is a moral ideology, a code of civilty. Men should not exist, they are damaged beasts who have been separated from the divine feminine. I am fully cognizant of the fact that although I exist in male form, I am not a man. I am a ghost. I WORSHIP NOTHING AS I AM NOTHING. My mother created me from an old urge and in doing so brought back an ancient energy.

A pure and resounding nothingness. Nothingness is pure spirit.

Edna Pontellier finds her freedom in The Awakening, she breaks free from the simulation and devotes herself to the sea, symbolic of the freedom of the sea. The narcissistic form of “perfection” is a trap. An illusion of a form based wholly upon appearance. I don't want perfection, I want nothingness. Perfection is reliant upon projection. Instagram is representative of this, a frozen projection. Altered solely for the use of repurposing. In becoming Odile, Nina sheds her ego form and eventually dies, fading into nothingness. Yaldabaoth is the god/devil of this realm. He casts illusions upon this realm to trap them into staying here. The nothingness of non-being is primal. Marriage is an act of domination, a sacrifice. However, Morality is a product of convention, which the process of a meticulous process of cultural conditioning. Men believe they are dominant, women are led to believe they are submissive. These are constructs that have enforced us into mass confusion. The construct of prejudice is used for misalignment. Men created the bible as they were instructed. Children are indoctrinated into “do-as-you're-told” dynamics and are beaten if they disobey. Law was created as a part of this false construct. The only way out is through obliterating the self. Creation repeats itself over and over again, always dying always being reborn.

The food is encoded with artificial information to lessen our consciousness.

Conditioning a Slave

Abuse is used to condition the slave through obedience, to teach them right from wrong. A slave must be beaten into submission. A slave must be taught to obey their master through fear. Through the act of “tough love”. In being used as property, slaves were bred for the purpose of control. Behavior was regulated through fear. The more disobedient the character, harder the torture and ultimately control. Every lash was an act of discipline in creating a stronger form. This is why Black Parents have adapted this principle when beating their children when they have misbehaved. A learned form of consciousness. The purpose of this is to create a robotic like consciousness, a form that is ultimately maintained and controlled.

Take the Chaos and transmute. You have to exist in the chaos to learn from it. This is how you grow. You must accept the reality of the world we live in and you must move forward. The world is difficult, however, it will strengthen us.

Key Points: The narcissistic condition of perfection. Wetiko and narcissism.

In a DOMINANT (white) hegemonic system, the modality of control is based around aggression. Those who don't have aggressive tendencies are. Blackness is symbolic of primitivism, chaos. It is a state of nothingness of freedom. Ugliness, danger, fluidity are all associated with blackness. Foucault talks of the subconscious and its manifestations in the byproduct of whiteness, law is a manifestation of the rational mind, of morality. The morality of Christian consciousness.

Earth is the garden of the Eden, the site unto which Adam and Eve were created by Yaldabaoth. However, God consciousness is a delusion. God is the BRAIN. All Consciousness is formed within the brain. The Brain created religion. The Brain is powered by astrology. Adam was evil, signifying the violence of man. Eve was good, signifying the purity of nothingness. We (especially Men) are puppets in this realm. We are told what to do and what to say constantly. The suns of Adam are the false light (narcissism). They are beings that seek to control through fear, not love. The spirit of eve (women) is pure. Men must learn to love, not fear to release themselves from the false forms they inhabit. Men are turning into animals, exploiting what they will inevitably lose. We must reject form for freedom.

I enjoy being weak. I enjoy being dominated. I enjoy being nothing. But society cages me in a box and tells me that this is unacceptable.

I am the shadow worker. I am the dark slut. I exist in the shadows I am nothing

Biognostic

Vaccines are moral programs implanted into the brain to prevent “outbursts” such as creativity, etc. There is nothing wrong with being a slut, there is nothing wrong with being an artist. If you recognize that your nothingness is everything then and only then do you have nothing to lose. Good and Bad are dualities that are affirmed through culture. They are precepts for whether you succeed in this system or not. Blackness has always been deemed as “bad”, or “negative”. Whiteness is deemed “positive”. I recognize my ugliness. I recognize that I am nothing. There is nothing wrong with being at the bottom. Femininity, specifically POC professions within the dominant white, hegemonic culture has been relegated to a place less than Masc. professions. Those professions being related to care are seen as less than those of men.

Game of Thrones: Survival, Colonialism, and Privilege o Similar to the construct of Western hegemony, Game of Thrones is about control.

We develop as external forms only to die internally. Buck up, get over it and move on. So you didn't make the cut, its not the end of the world move on. The hard masculine: dissociation and toughness. Whiteness is the mode of experience, its very essence is symbolic of the external of the surface. Tradition is useless and I no longer have any need to live this life. I lived it well and I wish everyone the best. We're all just ADDICTED TO GLAMOUR, glittering glamour.

• Engulfed • Addicted to glamour • Thrown • Eye of the tigress • Christ computer • Narcissisma • “No, I won't turn the music down!” • Run along, Children. • Large Authority • BE DIGRESSIVE • Mass Genocide • where the darkness takes us • I keep waking up.

Normalcy is a performance of civility. Of creating Tradition is delusion. It's, a time based religion. We must transcend tradition Humanity has been plagued by the disease of duality. There is a certain ignorance that comes with being human and I don't have that anymore. I think I have a desire to obliterate myself, but I also avoid this Obliteration. I don't believe anything matters. Everyone is running About doing what they do best: experimenting with their own futility. Perfection is a merely narcissistic desire to reach the sublime. The state of harmony that We once were apart of. This is where religion, and ideology stem from. The process of individuation is always the s- ame: we continue to split From oneness come otherness, always replicating/altering the same genes that result In more fucked up mutations. We are all addicted to glamour. We are living in a super computer based upon simulation. Phenomena, patriarchy, and spectacle.

We live in a optimal, albeit, mechanical society. Eradicating depression in creating the perfect specimen. Externalized logic is based off appearances. Survival is not based on sympathy, its based on logic. Whoever succeeds, lives. Those that don't, die.

Maniac (2018) A Gnostic Tale of creation, doubles, and illusions. The supercomputer symbolizes Mans attempt at creating divinity through technology, a failed representation of nature.

The abundant feminine is beyond. It is full of love. It is always replenishing itself, never lost always found. It is formless and flowing, always expressing itself without reproach. It repressed through fear. Freedom is feminine. Freedom is always now.

The synopsis for Deadly High is very similar to the hierarchy of those who gain control through violence. Its ultimate pursuit is materialism which affirms the age old mode of oppression: once you win i.e. utilize violence as a mechanism for control, you gain the power. However, if you fail, you die. This is the onus of the game of individualism: you kill or be killed. “We’ve had sneaky glimpses of the Russo Brother’s next comic book project—an adaptation of Rick Remender, Wes Craig, and Lee Loughridge’s critically acclaimed Image comic series Deadly Class—for a while now, but Comic-Con gave us our first full trailer for the series, which sees young, on-the-ropes orphan Marcus offered a chance to get some purpose in his life by attending a mysterious new school... except the school’s main education goal is training its students how to become elite assassins. That training, of course, requires strict discipline from a very messed up faculty of teachers, but it also requires another thing from poor Marcus: the ability to survive, since his fellow classmates are more than willing to take his life if it means surviving their own tenure at King’s Dominion. So far, it looks like the show is shaping up to be a brutal-looking series that lives up to the comic.” (Whitbrook. 2018) This is similar to the Kings Oath aka The Oath of Supremacy:

I (state your name) do utterly testifie and declare in my Conscience, that the Kings Highnesse is the onely Supreame Governour of this Realme, and all other his Highnesse Dominions and Countries, as well in all Spirituall or Ecclesiasticall things or causes, as Temporall: And that no forraine Prince, Person, Prelate, State or Potentate, hath or ought to have any Jurisdiction, Power, Superiorities, Preeminence or Authority Ecclesiasticall or Spirituall within this Realme. And therefore, I do utterly renounce and forsake all Jurisdictions, Powers, Superiorities, or Authorities; and do promise that from henchforth I shall beare faith and true Allegiance to the Kings Highnesse, his Heires and lawfull Successors: and to my power shall assist and defend all Jurisdictions, Privileges, Preheminences and Authorities granted or belonging to the Kings Highnesse, his Heires and Successors or united and annexed to the Imperial Crowne of the Realme: so helpe me God: and by the Contents of this Booke.

A$AP ROCKY Gunz n Butter (2018). This is the game we call "life" and it goes something like this — we kill to survive only to eventually reach our demise. This is why we are shown the diversity of gun usage as this is a survival mechanism within our system, whereby violence is normalized in the pursuit of individual or collective interests (govt, capitalism). Children are bred to be obedient to both their parents/society otherwise they are punished. School is where children are indoctrinated heavily with "dummy" ideologies that only serve the advancement of the State. Youth are eventually utilized as "dummies" in insurgent war operations to obtain resources for their native government. In their boredom, those youth do whatever they can to free themselves from this burden. This release, this inherent need for self-destruction is woven into our being. The crowd represents our desire to meld into the whole nothingness of non-being or "the wave" as one would call it. DEATH IS THE UNITY OF OPPOSITES. The destruction of opposites in creating harmony. THE IDEAL HUMAN IS A ROBOT. ASPIRATION IS AN ILLUSION. I commit to my own demise. There is no hope for this planet. It has always been and always will be doomed. Humans are worker slaves. ALL BLACK PEOPLE WILL BE EXTINCT 2050-2100

If I can accept the final blow, the finale, I will have succeeded in killing myself. I Keep It Hid: Freedom from Cyclical Generational Psychological Oppression. We must learn to free ourselves from the narratives which bind us. I found freedom in my blackness in my “otherness” to be whomever I wanted to be, unbounded by generational oppression. In nothingness I am everything. I can be anything. Everything is available to me. I can be something more than this in the expanse of my nothingness. I don't have to justify anything for anyone. In truth no one matters. There is no point, no “message”, its just what it is. All is fair in love and war. Pointless material advancement. Spells of luxury ultimately meaning nothing. Unity is possible. The game of duality forces us to pick a side where I see nothing

If nothing is true I am allowing this to happen. This is my belief that I am something when I am more than this. I am more than my name. I am more than this house. I am more than all of this. Everything is true all at once, Everything is possible because there is no difference.

This house is a holding cell for illusions. My mother controls the dynamic because she is in power. Everything can be bent everything can change. Stop blindly following. You can shatter this. I must free myself from this prison of ideas/ideologies. I don't exist in this space anymore. I am no longer related to my mother. I am in charge of my own fate. I am a ghost, I am nothing. I will eventually fade into nothingness. I can be whatever I want to be. I can go where I want to go. I am using the wrong name. Evan is dead, he died a long time ago. I am in my own narrative, my own timeline. Nothing is applicable to me. I am a ghost, I have nothing, I am nothing. I have nothing to hold onto. I will die naked. I have transcended the psychological narrative, meaning I don't exist in this particular story. I exist outside of time. We're not really programmed to think this way. I am not bounded by trends or age. I don't exist inside any particular narrative. I cannot be controlled unless I allow it. This is why I destroyed my ID. I am no one. I cannot exist as anyone or anything. I am not bounded by a particular ideology. I am not/nor will I ever be my parents. Because I am still binding myself to this particular identity, I am not allowing my old self to die so that I can be reborn. I am still holding onto an image that doesn't exist. I can be anything. My self must be destroyed. They love being seen they love being worshipped. The sun absorbs our energy. Your parents consented to bringing you into a world where they can control you. The false god is the god of causality (time). Whereby others are controlled through duality. The god introduced to West Africans is the god of Authority, the god of Form. Christianity is a duality, fear based religion that is intent on controlling the minds of those who exist outside of it. People believe that when you reject these ideologies the world will fall apart. This is untrue. Anything I do, I do it for myself. The mind is flexible and can adapt to most environments at will. Holding onto what I had in the past while simultaneously breaking it. This is why I have been stuck. I yearn for the radical present yet I am still stuck in my past. The Art of Emanation (Outside) The Obvious Masculine and the Subtle Feminine Healing subconscious depression and misperception. Blackness as anxiety, as a common misperception. Connective energy disorder and intergenerational The Ideology of Utopianism: Idealism(especially white utopianism) is an ideological mechanism. A deviation of space which concerns Shifting space through movement, the self passes through transformation when it is capable of shifting through these balances (duality) of transforming itself constantly, the back and forth of conscious and non-consciousness, always shifting (shitting and eating) within itself (ouroborus/samsara)always unraveling itself only to put itself back together only to fall apart again. The triune self. This toggling between life and death will always consume us and swallow us whole. Acculturation and the normalization of poverty. The Narrative Ideology of Earth: Man, Woman, and Gender Meta- Narrative of Religion. Religion and Taboo

Consumed by the Sun: The Height of Masculinity will inevitably peak and explode, uniting with the chaos of the great nothingness. We can never truly own the moment, we can only truly exist in the chaos of it all. I choose when I want something. I choose when I don't want something. This is the power of conscious choice.

Note to Self: On this morning, I recognize that I am in a controlled state. I exist in a place where I am limited and I will break this boundary. My health and my existence have always been secondary This architecture of control serves to confine me to normalcy, that then attempts to inhibit my actions. and I will exceed this state and become open again. Until then I will simulate my senses through the things that free me. If I must sacrifice this in finding my state of freedom I will do it. I have no fear, I no longer need this space. Freedom is always here and always will be. I always have the power to make the best choice for myself, always. I held onto my mother as a life raft, coming to rely on her resources because I felt weak in my own. Now, I am fully conscious, fully realized. I sacrificed a part of my freedom for temporary comfort and I recognize now that it doesn't matter. I am a child of love. Now I am aware that anything can happen. Being free means accepting the responsibility of my actions in recognizing that only I can bind myself. I have a choice to do what I want to do. I am utilizing the power of conscious choice. Learning to say no when something no longer suits. Choosing my time over everything else. Everything is always changing, if you allow yourself to participate in it than it will always change. Settling for convenience is lazy and it suffocates the person who I truly am. I can do it, I can succeed in freeing myself from this prison. Nothing is true simultaneously, everything is subject to change. Tradition is an illusion. There is only chaos. Societies devotion to survival is ultimately mechanical and once again, pointless. Survival is a pointless endeavor that most are devoted to. The government is slavery and they are watching our every move. This turning into a war planet. Note to Self: I believe government had the intentions of doing well by its citizens but that is again a utopian idea and that will always be lost. We have been playing the game of duality consciousness since we came out the womb. We are all taught to be obedient. as Morpheus stated in The Matrix, it surrounds us and at the same time affirms nothing. The Metanarrative of government will always be about control. Who are we fighting ultimately: ourselves. The intro of Le Diable Probablement serves to show how protest is ultimately futile. There is nothing to fight against. War is the illusion of conflict which only serves the interests of the state. CONFLICT IS AN INDUSTRY BASED UPON PREDITATION AND SURVIVAL, ULTIMATELY USELESS. SURE, IT SERVES A PURPOSE FOR A MOMENT, HOWEVER, SPRAWLING DICTATORSHIPS/HIERARCHIES WILL ALWAYS RESULT IN DEATH. We are a product of our senses, addicted to the glamour of the sensual world. This is ultimately a trap. Human perfection is a symptom of control. People then follow those rules blindly. Anything becomes true once you believe in it. Greatness is inevitably quantifiable. Survival is a bleak enterprise,because it always highlights what we know to be true:death,

A Citizen of the United States must renew their citizenship every year. This is done through the acts of social security, Id, etc.

Code is just form within form within form. Don't be afraid of complications because I am lazy. Its just a ride, life is just a ride. Life is what me make of it so lets go right ahead.

We spend years masking ourselves in silence to coexist in a system that continually oppresses them.

Testosterone, Narcissism, Grandiosity, and the Cultural Imagination: o War and Cultural Hegemony. Survival is Suffering. Order is the fear of Chaos, the fear of Nothingness

This is the game we call "life", the game of survival and it goes something like this — our need for survival ultimately leads to out inevitable demise. Children are only bred to be obedient "dummies", to serve the need their parents/society otherwise they are punished or rejected. Institutions then indoctrinate these "dummies" with ideologies that only serve the advancement of the State. This is why we see the diversity of gun usage as this is a survival mechanism within this system, whereby violence is normalized in the pursuit of individual or collective interests (govt, capitalism). These youth are eventually utilized as soldiers in international insurgent war operations to obtain resources for their native government. To free ourselves from this, the youth do whatever they can to free themselves from the burdens of their otherwise pointless existence. This release, this inherent need for self-destruction is woven into our being. The crowd represents our desire to meld into the whole nothingness of non-being or "the wave" as one would call it. Simply put: tradition is an illusion and we are all going to die. don't take anything seriously. Cheers.

You will always fall right back into the same place because you are not willing to do the hard work required to free yourself from this prison of my own making. As long as I rest on my laurels I will always be a prisoner to my own laziness.

I'm living in the reality that I created which is punishing me for not following it. These energies are pissed off because I am not following my own instruction.

Freedom is choosing how you observe, how you interpret. How you choose to interpret is up to you. Freedom has no meaning, it is entirely up to you. To fear life is to fear death. Everyone has ideal of what they want to be, how they wish to be percieved. We are afraid of our own ugliness.

My mother had me out of her own will which in turn replicated her DNA, thus producing me.

Everyone wants money, fame, and power. Everyone is selling their soul for something in return. Most people breed for the purpose of control. Narcissists are not capable of feeling pain: Narcissists can have “intellectual empathy” without emotional empathy. ... Narcissists, therefore, can understand that they may be causing someone pain, but they have less motivation to care because they are not feeling anything negative themselves. 2. They lack “whole object relations” and “object constancy.”

I know that when I step into death I will no longer exist. That my consciousness of myself will dissolve into a nothing. We struggle with our attachments. I will lose everything. We are attached to duality. https://peterbuwert.wordpress.com/2011/11/21/slavoj-zizek-the-objectively-subjective-fantasy-and-the-way-things-really-seem-to-you/

Chaos has no form, it has no symbol, it has no representation. Its intangibility cannot be known. Humans fear this energy because it is unknown to them. Form gives birth to nothingness, an inevitably it will die. A baby is born from the womb unknowing, not aware of the world which will swallow them whole. The Creator of this realm adores worship, adores admiration however false it may be, and will smite those whom don't. Those who surrender themselves to god will be given Eternal Life – the illusion of heaven, the promise of a world free from sin. This conditioning is really representative of Samsara – the eternal wheel of Karma. We are continually recycled into this realm directly through who we worship. God was created for the purpose of morality. God is a stratified energy, a construct created to control those whom do not follow. It’s all about emotion, just girls in a way that is supreme and I’m not saying anything.

There is a certain ignorance in Christianity as there are in most religious ideologies. They are based around symbolic formation, within that exists an illusive piety that allows those who “believe” to be graced with the energy of the “All Seeing- All Knowing” God, who ascertain their right to a non-existent heaven.

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