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d3athm3tal · 6 years

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Here I am of course. God knows how often this happens. I think it may be the fourth time. I’m taunting myself with certain songs but all they seem to do is distract me. I feel, hollow. I can’t seem to stop crying, either. To be reminded every couple of months off of the person you love so deeply, intensely and fully, dosent feel the same is one thing. But to know people were in on it, to know it was my own doing too. Every night I would desperately beg her not to go anywhere and tell her that I couldn’t live with her. She would console me and tell me she won’t move an inch, and that I’ll always have her. I was terrified to go to her,to go near her because of this. Because of what is happening right now. She’s moved away from me because she has to. Like I told her it would. But no one ever listens to me, I know how this works. My sadness clashed with hers along with some mixed up feelings and a fucked up history- it wasn’t inevitable it would end in disaster. I suffered at night alone as much as I could so she would stay, so I wouldn’t push her away. I probably spared myself sometime even though near the end was cold and unfamiliar. Nothing like us. She terrifies me, and rightly so. She pulls me in and whenever I tried to move back she asked me not to, and I only wanted to move back beaches I didn’t wanna be 6 months in, hopeless. Like right now. I stayed because she thought we could work it out and I did too. We worked it out, we were Skye and Sophie. But you know, fuck her. I bit my tongue and held my breathe at times but I love her, she knows I do. Any normal person would get jealous and confused and possessive. Because she did confuse me, with her late night conversations and beautiful words and reassuring hold. Did she expect me to stay and totally pretend I didn’t feel how I did? I did well seperating it but there’s only so much a human can take. And it wasn’t jealous in the aspect in what most would think. I only got jealous because I knew she would want someone, and she could want someone. She would want any single person on this entire world that isn’t me. And she would get them, because look at her. I got jealous because they had the opportunity to have what I do badly craved, about what consumed my mind and taunted me, they would permanently get something I got a brief taste of which wasn’t even meant for me. I was just on the wrong end of a drunken mistake. I think that’s one of the hardest parts, knowing what I am missing. The laughing and the closeness and just all things her. I don’t think she realises how difficult it’s been all of these months. Swallowing that possessive side of me, tensing my fists because it’s a huge part of me. I envy anyone that is at the disposal of what I need, of what I so desperately fucking need and want. More so when the value and worth is not recognised to the extent it should be. I’ll probably never be okay with it even if I’ve moved on in years to come. I truly dread the day where I find out she feels the same way about someone that I feel about her, my eyes actually stinged writing that. And there’s a stabbing pain in my chest. I don’t even know if she’ll come close to feeling this strongly about anyone, I don’t know if anyone will and if they do good luck to them. I don’t think anyone in this world has ever loved anyone as much as I love her. I can confidently say that. And it’s so much more than romantic feelings, it’s every part and aspect. The friendship, our connection.

You see, every single part of me loves every single part of her. Even the bad parts. My fucked up hear still manages to create something so beautiful, perhaps the only beautiful thing it ever has or will. I would do anything to go back to may. Before your party, before my gaff and Meghans. Take me back to the night we stayed up on FaceTime laughing, when you would annoy me about a secret and we would text soppily until we fell asleep. Until my heart felt content with having YOU in my life. Regardless of feelings. Without knowing the feeling of having you close to me and having your hands against my face, without knowing that you doubted everything for a split second. Just knowing that the split second happened where you didn’t know how you felt happened made a world of different. I wish I didn’t know. Even though it genuinely is nothing and was nothing.

No I’ve changed my mind, take me back to March. Where I was so unsure of where you stood in my mind. When I got a little bit nervous the month previously because the bottle landed on us and you looked beyond perfect and I was nothing. Then when my stare would linger a little longer, when my back hurt from the shaky foldable chairs in the blue lit room as I nervously waited your presence on the stage. I shook my legs as my eyes scanned the many people until they shifted on to you. My heart beating so fast I could barley breathe and my smile stretching over my full face until my head hurt. I was in awe of you clasping that book with your curled blonde hair and that little blue bow sitting perfectly on top. I was happy. I loved you being happy and doing what you love and I just wanted to be near you. I was so excited for your FaceTime that night.

Ive noticed I’m talking directly to you now rather than about you. I guess I always get scared when we’re directly talking about it. I just can’t hear your rejection yet again. Im stuck now you see sophie. Because my soul is clinging to yours with every bit of strength I can muster. My heart knows to be near you, for the good of my heart let me be near you. But for the saving of any pain coming my way to let you go. I know it’s what you want. I am heart broken. I am broke. To have all of those late night FaceTimes ripped from me, to have the one person that phoned me until I answered,that held me til the sobbing stopped, that reassured me until I believed you. You’re palming me off with the rest of the group hug I’ve tried to let them in before and they just go on their way after it. They don’t check up on me, they don’t notice me not eating or sitting with my earphones in, they care when I tell them of course but theyre not you. And that isn’t anything to do with my feelings for you. It’s just about our friendship. Loosing this friendship is the other worst part. You were the closest thing I had to a best friend. God you were. What am I going to do? I feel so lost. I can’t believe this has happened sophie. I thought you were different. And you can justify this all you like but it’s the brutal truth. You let me fall for you but promised me it wouldn’t get in the way, and it did. You told me my sadness wouldn’t come between us and it has. You said we would never move away from one another and we have. You said you wouldn’t hurt me again and you have. You broke every one of your promises. Cover it up however you like. This isn’t fixable anymore. I don’t know what to do because I know this is it. Even if we were to come back into one another’s lives it wouldn’t be the same. Because I won’t be able to trust you with me anymore. You said you would protect me from the pain and the numbness and the voices. That you would destroy them and keep it out but in reality they couldn’t touch me if you were there, they didn’t stand a fucking as long as my fruit bat was there. The only thing you needed to protect me from was yourself and you couldn’t. You couldn’t. So

I am gone sophie. I’m swallowed by this depression that catches me every so often, by this feeling of lost, I don’t know where I’m supposed to be, and I have been consumed by you.

My soul will forever love yours. Romantically, platonically, in any way.

I am so so so sorry it ruined us. You were my anchor but you just sunk with me. You’re really

Gone and I have gone with you. I love you so much. God I do. And I’d fall in love with you all over again. I’d love you in every other life I was in, I’d hurt again all over for you.

I’m so sorry

Please don’t go I csnt live with out you

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