#theyd probably yell at me for being stupid if i said it in the middle of an argument

[aroacesigma]

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[strawberryspeachy]

I miss my mom so damn much

I wanna talk to her. I want my mom to cunsole me. I want to tell her good things. I want to share my life with her. I want her feedback. I wanna call home and ask her what shes up to and listen to her tell me about something shes planting in her garden and about the animals and complain about my family and tell me about work. I wanna talk to my mom

I miss her so fucking much.

Last week i realized... not realized. Its like a cycle with this fucking disease

Sometimes i feel like those night when my mom would go to the barn all night

And id be waiting till like midnight (back in the days when sometimes milking the goats took like 5 hours) and often id go check on her and shed just be making herself busy somewhere in the barn. Cleaning or fixing something or arguing with the goats

She liked being with the animals. Normally arguing with them over something silly

But it feels like that. Like all the time. Like in in the living room and have just noticed how late it is and that my mom hasnt come down from the barn yet. And i had really bad anxiety so id always get worried that something horrible had happened, which is why id go up to check on her or feel so releived when she finally burst through the door in her big boots with buckets in eat hand

I long to go back to one of those nights. The smell of my old house. The sound of my loud tin door and the bell attached to the wooden door inside that would go off becauwe the doors were too close together. Knowing that its her coming through the first of the three loud doors. My dog rattling the crate as she got up to go say hi and my other dogs jumping off the couch behind me as the tv played cartoon network. My cats jumping all over the place knocking stuff down

I miss my farm. I miss my house. I miss my animals. I miss my mom

Im always talking about my mom now. Just more because when i was young i didnt need to tell people how wonderful my mom was - if they met her theyd know. I didnt need to brag about her having been the sweetest person ever because just talking about her in whatever thing was going on was enough

I told my housemate today about one of the times that even at the time - it meant so much to me. I knew my mom love me unconditionally and would do anything more me... but sometimes.. ya know its not that i needed reminding but just

My mom was a lot more disciplining when i was young. She made me take responsibility for my shit, shed help me if i asked but she was a good fair parent who always pushed me to do stuff on my own

She used to nag me about reading books and doing book reports in elementary school and I remember one time ahe even made me sit down and listen to her read my book aloud. She told me to read it and i told her ill read the back and pick a random line from the middle and ill be good to go. She didnt want me to do it that way lol so

But that was in like 4th grade. When i got into middle school i took school seriously and she didnt need to nag me about it anymore. She never checked whether i was actually doing my hw or not. She just trusted me to do it and said if i didnt its only gonna hurt me

But the one time when i was a junior i was being really stupid over a boy. It was also when i started feeling suicidal

Maybe it surprised me so much because my mom used to said people that kill themselves are sick and she was super catholic and so i actually struggled with that ideology at the time too

But i told her recently that i wanted to die and i didnt care about anything anymore. And basically i just wanted to give up

I had a research paper due on japanese internment camps which i had a bunch of library books for

Its also important to note here that my mom was super nationlisic and wasnt a fan of my constant bashing of the country

Im pretty sure she told me something along the lines of that i need to not let a dumb guy ruin my future and do my work. To which i just went to my room

At somet point. Idk if i didnt come back down till the next day or what. I know at that time we had a blizzard which cancelled school for a week.

But at some point i came down stairs and all of my books were gone from the computer table. My mom was sitting in the back of the room by the phone, reading my books. She had already finished one or two of them and was half way through the third. She had sticky notes in them and a notebook.

She told me that i had no excuse and that she made it easier for me. She was going to read all of my books and give me her notes and then i could write my paper.

She was both strict about it but then also.... maybe it was one of the first times. She just showed how bad she felt for me. She asked if she made it easier for me and told me how much she loves me and shed do anything for me and that she wasnt gonna let me fail. That she couldnt do much in life for me but that she could so this.

And then she told me that actually she was glad to have read the books because she never knew that our country had done such terrible things. And she cried saying that shed never learned it in school and now she was beginning to understand why i always talked so negatively about the country

And i felt bad actually. Cause my mom was so happy and optimistic and now she worldview was shatterd. Even then i didnt think it was bad for her to know, but i felt bad for basically openig my innocent moms eyes to atrocities.

But it was nice because she stopped yelling at me for saying things about the country and instead started agreeing with me or asking questions. I think... if her dementia hadn’t started the following year... she probably would have started reading more history books. Maybe even science...

It fucking sucks man. Like i love my mom and always have. But this fucking disease deprived me of starting my adult life with my mom and my mom of her life. And. Of everything she might have done. My mom was so strong and smart and have so much will power. I honestly dont know the route she may have taken from that point without dementia. She could have learned to use the computer. She tried. And she was making progress. Before i knew it was dementia making her forget stuff it was confusing for both of us honestly why everytime she learned something new she almost immediately forgot

My moms only 67. She was only 57 when the dementia started. Its not fucking fair.

With corona and shit she couldnt come here now anyway - but she is the first person i asked to go to japan with me when i visited the first time. She said she wanted to travel the world but she didnt have the money

Now. I could have taken her on trips. I could have taken her to the places she wanted to see. I could be enjoying my time with my mom right now. Giving her the things she wanted.

This is all terrible. I miss her so fucking much