#they've wasted so much precious time on denying their feelings

[handkinkbis]

Somebody shake some sense into Shin Yu, like BOY YOU ARE DYING. GO BE WITH THE GIRL YOU ACTUALLY LOVE, DUMBASS [shoos]

[puppyvonwolfenstein]

February 19, 2023

Many years later, I find myself dwelling back in between my demon, Anxiety and my second demon, Hatred. I logged back into my gem, my secret treasure, the forum I had created and that had become my safe space... My home.

It'll be twenty years old in 2026. That's... Scary. Sad. My poor forum sits, waiting idly for it's two main users to return; my partner long MIA. My internet friend and 'mom' Sky long departed from my forum and life, gone in the wind and left me wondering what ever happened to her?

My first ever role playing partner, Jay, reminding me of how he made this poor socially awkward girl blush in a different forum when he asked if he could romantically pursue my character, Snow. He too, disappeared. I wonder what he's up to? He was such a nice guy. PK, a friend I made... Also disappeared and I've lost contact.

And that leaves you. The person how made all my years growing up, worthwhile despite how cringy I was. You saw something in me, potential maybe? I don't know. The worst part is that you're still there. In my contacts. And I can't reach you.

I once told you my truth, that I had a crush on you because well... Both our ships had set sail. Did that scare you off? I regret that. For someone who has a hard time keeping connections but who makes connections and never lets go... It hurts. So much. But that's a me problem, right? My poor forum though... Sure it's an inanimate object, but to me it's like my precious baby, a little gem that I created and that you helped nurture. If my forum had thoughts, would they mourn your departure too?

I've come to terms with my demons. They exist. They've existed for so long. My severe anxiety, my growing hatred of myself as a being. Always putting everyone before me, because I am worth less. Scared of offending everyone, scared of making the wrong impression, the wrong statement, making misunderstandings. Not being what they expected. Not achieving their expectations.

This severely stopped me from growing. Stopped me making better decisions. Stopped me from denying a man who wasn't up to my standard, and then lowering myself to meet his demands. I kneeled attention and affection. Yielded myself from flying in the sky. Stopped myself from floating like the feather I wanted to be.

I lost myself slowly, entirely to a man who wasn't worth more than three months of my life. I lost my prime days to him. Years of my life, wasted and forgotten now. I literally can't remember my early twenties, besides booze, tears and games.

That's why you're special. Nothing romantic of course, I'm now married to a lovely man who's worthy of me and who helps me cope and grow. Rebuilding the shattered pieces into a new me. No, you mean a lot in the sense that I feel you were my best friend. You, after all, were the one who got me to come to my senses and dump that pitiful excuse of a 'boyfriend' I had.

I return to my gem, my forum and see your absence. It's... Empty. Hollow. Gutted. I read my cringy posts, and scream "Why am I so CRINGE!!!" To myself. I exit. I breathe. Then I go back and read. I see you. I stop. I breathe. I calm down and read. It's a rollercoaster.

It's still a rollercoaster. My life I mean. I was gutted. I had decided to devote my life to money, send money home after moving to Canada, and live out the rest of my days drinking myself into a stupor. Alex had been everything to me. I was unworthy of love, unworthy of humanity I had told myself.

I met a man in college just as my plans had gone into action. He was in the darkness too. We found ourselves in a spark of human connection, where our feelings and thoughts just... Clicked. We understood. He made me an ultimatum, just as I had decided to enjoy the moment while trucking on towards my ending and I paused. What should I do? Get hurt again?

You came to mind. You were gone by now, in my contacts list of people I could message but didn't have the courage to.

I took a chance and in the darkness we became a brighter light, two little embers of fire dwindling and coming together and roaring back to life.

We married and we'll mark our fifth year of marriage this April. Suck on that, Alex. I did find someone better than you.

Even so, it was like you all over again. Me and my husband, all alone, together in our little world. But it's time to expand. I'm scared. I'm learning new things about me.

I have concluded that I have ADHD , and have all along. Go figure. My anxiety and depression have been nailing me since childhood. My anxiety as an adult is disgusting to say the least.

I had my high school reunion recently. It was nice. I reconnected with people who truly still remember me... Fondly? Truly? I didn't think I'd be remembered...

And now, I contemplate my book. My series. I have new ideas now. My beta reader, Ileana... She passed away a few years back. I was gutted. I had no one I wanted to read my works because I'm so self conscious.

I need to do this. Exit my shell. Face my demons head on. Had I done this in the past, I might have been thriving! Still.. I wouldn't change it if it meant I wouldn't meet my dear husband.

As for you... I fear the day I approach you through a message, because I fear you'll reject me and our time, our gem. Fear that you'll toss it aside like a rag.

But I'll do it. I'll make something worth your while since you're a busy man now (always such an important, busy man, you silly devil) and you'll maybe read it and converse with me for a moment before continuing on your life. And that's fine for me. It'll hurt a little, but that's fine. You were once the most important person in my life, so it's fine. I can't ever hate you. My connection with you is for life, even if it's one sided.

Being loyal was never meant to be easy. Being the person that I am, has never been easy. I'll remember special people when they've forgotten me, abandoned me, used me.

I'll remember people who have died, years later, still returning to their graves to speak to them. I'll message someone who can't physically read my messages because they're dead, and it hurts, but it's fine. My loyalty can be one sided, and hurt, but it's fine. I love them all, nonetheless.

And you...

I'll cherish the days I spent with you.

[hotshotsxyz]

the things we made

(buddie) (653 words (5x18 spoilers) last same day coda for the season and it's soft and silly bc that's how the end of the episode made me feel anyway i love you guys and our little weewoo show

There’s a feeling beneath Buck’s skin. A sort of buzzing. It’s there when he wakes, and when he brushes his teeth. It’s there when he laces his boots and grabs the keys to the Jeep. It’s there when he walks into the fire station, and it intensifies a hundred fold when he spots Eddie leaning against the rail. 

And it would be so easy, Buck thinks, to pretend not to know what this feeling is. So easy to chalk it up to his anxiety, maybe, or a few too many cups of coffee. But it’d be silly, lying to himself like that. He knows what it is. He’d told Maddie as much, hadn’t he?

The feeling is love. 

Eddie turns and spots him, grins at him like it’s been more than ten hours since the last time they spoke, and the buzzing beneath Buck’s skin settles. The feeling is love, and the love is for Eddie, and Buck’s starting to realize that maybe it always has been. 

“You gonna stand there all day?” Eddie calls down to him, light and teasing in a way that Buck’s missed more than he ever could have predicted. 

Buck ducks his head and grins. “Three shifts back and you’re already bossing me around, Diaz. Seems kind of familiar.”

Eddie laughs, loud and free. “Maybe we can skip the grenade this time, huh, Buckley?”

The feeling, Buck thinks, is happiness too. Maybe that’s not the thing you’re supposed to be feeling a week after a breakup, but it’s impossible to deny the way it thrums through his veins. 

Buck’s happy. Maddie’s back, and Chimney’s back, and Eddie’s back, and Taylor’s gone, and Buck’s happy. There’s a part of him that’s still waiting for it all to come crashing down around him, but for once in his life, that part’s quiet enough to push down and away. 

He jogs off to the locker room and changes quickly, not wanting to waste a second of the precious time before their first call of the day. Sometimes it’s barely ten minutes, and sometimes it’s an hour, and before the team was back together, every one of those seconds had seemed interminable. Now, though, Buck just wants them to last. Forever, maybe, because this is the thing he was looking for all those years he wandered. 

Ravi throws an orange at him on his way up the stairs, which he catches. He raises an eyebrow, and Ravi just shrugs, so Buck hands the orange off to Eddie, who’s been, for unknown reasons, practically swallowing them whole the last few weeks. 

“Oh come on,” Ravi whines. 

Chimney snickers and pats him on the shoulder. “Told you he’d give it to Eddie,” he says with a grin, smacking his gum for effect. 

“But why?” Ravi groans. 

Eddie throws an arm around Buck’s shoulders tossing the orange repeatedly in the air with his free hand. “Because, Buck,” he says, soft and warm, “has my back.”

Ravi’s eyes widen a little, and Hen chokes on her coffee. Chimney throws back his head and laughs. 

“And isn’t that what we all want,” Lucy says with a smirk, glancing up from her magazine. 

And yeah, Buck thinks, it really is. 

He glances at Eddie, whose arm is still around his shoulder, and who’s already looking back. “Always do,” Buck says softly. 

Eddie holds up the orange for inspection. “Want to share?”

Buck nods.

“Don’t ruin your appetite!” Bobby yells from the kitchen. “There’s only two more minutes on this quiche.”

“Okay, Pops,” Buck calls back, going for sarcastic, but unable to keep the joy out of his voice. 

This is it, he thinks, as Eddie leads him to the table. His life. His home. Everything he’s been searching for. And after everything, after all the heartache and grief, they've made it. They’re finally starting over. He glances around at his team, his family, and the buzzing feeling returns. 

Yeah, that’s love.