#they're like well sweetie pie we don't hear our phones

[writersmorgue]

i was correct

this is not gonna be fun

[wallterwall]

POSTAL

(2007)

By Uwe Boll

MAN:

Tower two.

Stand by.

[ speaks indistinctly ]

That's affirmative.

Congratulations, Nabi.

We are at the doorstep

of our martyrdom.

Praise Allah.

Praise him!

Soon we will be greeted

by Allah, the one true god,

and by the cheers

of our forefathers

and by 99 perfect virgins

who will worship us

for all eternity!

I thought it was 100.

What's that?

they promised me 100.

what's the difference?

If they're telling you one thing

and they're telling me another,

maybe they don't know

for sure.

Maybe.

Maybe the exact number

of virgins is not precise.

I mean, if it's in the 90s,

I can live with that.

Or 75.

Hey, I'm not greedy,

but what if it's 10?

Well...

What if it's 10, but we have

to split them between us?

Then you'll have

five more virgins

than you have right now,

right?

We're talking

about eternity here!

How long will five virgins

last you -- maybe a month?

They're not going to be virgins

for long, right?

Look, would it make

you feel better

if we called the big guy?

Yes.

Take the stick.

- Okay.

It's ringing.

Osama, yes, it's Asif.

No, we're on it.

It was fine, but security

takes forever, you know?

What are you going to do?

Anyway, look,

Nabi has a question.

Will you talk to him?

No!

[ mutters indistinctly ]

You do it!

Hello!

Yes.

Uh, it's about the virgins.

Really?

It was 100 when I signed up.

[ sighs ]

He said

it's not that many anymore.

Too many martyrs

in the first go-around.

You've got to be kidding me.

Does he know where we are here?

Give me the phone.

Take the stick.

Osama, it's Asif.

Right now, can you tell me

the number, absolutely,

that you can guarantee

Nabi and myself,

as far

as virgins are concerned?

[ pounding on door, indistinct talking ]

No, that's fine.

MAN:

Do it!

Come on, man!

He can't guarantee

more than 20.

MAN #2:

Open the goddamn door,

you bastards!

MAN #3:

We're gonna f***ing

kill you, you motherf***er!

MAN #4:

Lying pieces of sh*t!

MAN #5:

Open the door!

MAN #6:

- Open this f***er!

Screw this, right?

I'm glad you said it first.

Okay, get on the intercom

to the passengers.

We are changing course

for the Bahamas.

Bahamas!

Aah!

[ indistinct shouting ]

We're going to the Bahamas!

[ indistinct shouting ]

Aah!

[ whistling ]

[ gunshots ]

MAN:

...Has again expanded

the definition of marriage,

this time to include any union

between a man and a woman,

a man and a man,

a woman and a woman,

a man and a collie,

or a woman, a polish sausage,

and a long weekend.

The standoff with Mr. Cruise

Has now stretched

into its eighth day.

Cruise continues to insist

that police are violating

his parental

and religious freedoms,

citing human sacrifice

as essential...

Today on

"Good Morning Paradise,"

mayoral candidate Eugene Wells

joins us to talk about

the new political landscape,

and the newest toy craze

of the year --

Krotchy dolls.

Stay tuned. It's gonna be

a super-dupe show.

Turn down that f***ing TV!

I can't hear my show.

[ indistinct shouting on TV ]

Yeah,

nothing's good on anyway.

Just, uh, preparing

for my interview.

Fight!

Aw, you fight like a p*ssy.

No one's gonna hire

your sorry ass.

Why don't you go suck up

to your Uncle Dave already?

[ gagging ]

God damn it!

What the hell

is going on out there?!

Ugh.

Nothing.

Make sure you pick up

that welfare check!

Kiss, kiss,

sweetie pie...

[ speaks indistinctly ]

[ squishing ]

Come on!

Come on!

No.

Bad boy.

Bad boy.

I told you --

no poopies in our yard.

No poopies in this yard.

You only poop in

the next-door neighbor's yard.

[ gunshots pinging ]

Feces in the yard.

[ sighs ]

That's a violation

of trailer-park

ordinance number 101-40.

Stop eating the poop.

I'll add that to the list.

Th-the list?

The list. Great. The list.

W-what else?

What else

you got on the list?

Ordinance number 143-11.

Yesterday around lunchtime.

Now, I don't care what you two

do in your own bedroom,

but ordinance number 143-11

says if I hear your lewd

lovemaking after 10:00 a.M.,

I get to file a grievance

against your sorry ass,

which is

exactly what I'm gonna do!

Oh. Oh.

- Oh, okay.

Well, at least I wasn't boning

my sister, you inbred hick.

Oh, for your information,

hillbilly,

I wasn't even here

yesterday afternoon.

[ laughs ]

[ sighs ]

I hate this town.

Matt!

- Whatever!

This f***ing sucks.

And NASA,

The National Aeronautics

and Space Administration,

does not exist.

All the space missions

that we've heard about

since we were little kids

in school --

creations of Hollywood.

We did not land on the moon.

There is no John Glenn.

Well, there's a John Glenn

who's a Senator...

Hey, hello?

You, professor.

What is this,

a reading library?

Yeah, yeah.

Two minutes, buddy.

Ah, no "two minutes" now.

You buy now, or bye-bye.

Bye-dee now now.

Ah, go on, bye-bye.

Go on.

Bye-bye.

You bye-bye.

Goodbye. Goodbye.

- Hey.

Don't let the door

hit you on the way out.

Daddy, Mohammed says he needs

to talk to you again.

What about?

What else?

Okay, so, what did she say

about me exactly?

That slut.

# killer, yeah,

and rhyme till I die #

# with an AK-47

from side to side #

# jihad killers #

# man, it's hot in here #

# you just to stake that

out of this atmosphere #

# jihad killers #

My brother.

Any police come around today?

Anything suspicious?

No, nothing, Mohammed.

Trust me...

you are safely hidden here

for as long as you want.

Well, that may not

be for much longer.

Oh?

We have news

from Afghanistan.

News? Oh.

It is all coming together.

The shipment

left three days ago.

Oh.

Praise Allah.

When, uh, will be it here?

Tomorrow!

The time has come for us

to place our swords

to the genitals

of the infidels.

[ exhales deeply ]

Whoo-hoo!

[ chuckles nervously ]

[ groans lightly ]

[ keys clacking ]

Gah.

I see

you noticed the heads --

motivational.

Those are

every f***ing bastard

that I had to climb over

to get this job.

Jesus.

[ laughs ]

Foul.

They're paper-mache.

They're --

he thought they were real.

[ chuckles ]

Sit down.

Let's get started.

So, I hope you don't mi--

I hope you don't mind

the recording.

Uh, we're gonna use it

as training later.

Ready?

Uh, yeah, yeah.

It's good.

What the f*** is wrong

with you?

It's, uh --

the chair is actually --

All right,

we're on a time clock,

So let's get started,

shall we?

Yes, sir.

Good.

Well...

Um, so, I'm here

for the job, sir.

Right.

You're a factory worker.

I was.

I was a factory worker, but

the factory got closed down,

so I got laid off, and --

I've interviewed 15 other people

for this job.

What makes you think

you're better than them?

Well, I don't know

if I am better than them.

Well, god damn it, pal.

If you want this job, you better

reach out and grab it.

You better put

those f***ing heads on the wall.

You know what? F*** it.

Let's go to the questions.

What is

your greatest strength?

Um...

I'm a really good team player.

Wrong.

[ keys clacking ]

What is

your biggest weakness?

Um, I'd say I work too hard.

Wrong.

How would you move a

mountain using only a spoon?

A spoon?

If you were in a box,

how would you think outside it?

I bought all these goddamn English CDs

For you

to say f***ing "glass"?

It's "glasses."

You f***ing foreigners

come over here,

and you f*** up

the language,

and this b*tch

is f***ing up the traffic!

Come down, Greg.

You f***ing calm down!

This flat-ass b*tch

comes over here,

she takes over

the convenience stores,

and they eat up

all our goddamn dogs!

Go and help her.

Come on.

WOMAN:

What's the holdup?!

You're right.

I'm trippin'.

I'll just get out of the car

and make sure she's doing okay.

She's an old lady.

[ sighs ]

I feel bad now.

[ woman shouts indistinctly ]

Hi.

The light is green.

[ speaking native language ]

The light is green.

You could have

went through the light.

The light turned gr--

what did you say?

[ speaking native language ]

What'd you say, b*tch?

Aah!

Why don't you stir-fry that?

[ man laughing ]

WOMAN:

Holy f***!

MAN:

Damn!

Yeah, that'll get her moving!

Man.

What happened over there?

B*tch called me n*gger.

[ indistinct conversations ]

Ooh.

Whoa-ho-ho!

Did you see that?

Yeah.

[ chuckles ]

One date with me,

she'll look like she's been hit

with a mayonnaise truck.

[ both laugh ]

That's right, Mr. Stickum.

[ both laugh ]

Yeah, I hope she comes back.

You got to hold it.

[ whimpers ]

Thank you.

Okay.

All set?

- Yes.

What do you got?

- I will have a medium...

[ inhales sharply ]

[ squeaking ]

No, you know what?

I'm gonna have a large.

I'll have a large mocha.

Okay.

No.

No, you know what?

Maybe a -- maybe a vanilla.

Okay.

W-w-what do you think

goes better with bagels?

Unh!

You had 10 minutes

to make up your f***ing mind!

What is it with you people?

Can somebody please tell me?

I mean, we sell coffee.

That's it, nothing else.

You're not buying a car,

I mean, right?

Make a f***ing decision, huh?

How about it?

I know.

Here we go.

You're gonna have

a regular coffee.

Careful -- the beverage you're

about to enjoy is extremely hot.

Next?

Uh...

What?

I, um --

Two lattes,

no foam, please.

[ rock music plays ]

I can't believe

this is the first time

you've ever been here.

Huh.

I mean, all these f***ing idiots

calling me Uncle Dave,

And here I am --

I actually am your Uncle Dave.

[ chuckles ]

Yeah.

So, when was the last time

I saw you?

The bachelor party,

right before the wedding night.

Oh, f***, yeah, right.

That was fun.

I wonder

if that donkey survived.

[ inhales deeply ]

Well, what do you think

of the place?

Ah, it's -- it's amazing.

Yeah. I kind of owe it

all to you, you know?

Me?

Well, we always talked

about running a con like this, right?

- Yeah.

[ why did you have to send like seven of these ]