#they're gonna make a big star outta me~

[bebemoon]

“country girl moves to california in the ‘70s to become a star.”, requested by @lowvaluewoman | frankies bikinis "charli" off-the-shoulder mini dress in scarlet dot, sandy liang "cob" earrings, vintage soft ivory crochet wrist-length gloves, vintage sterling silver heart padlock charm bracelet w/ 19 silver charms, vintage white rim oversized square sunglasses, hermès "cabriole" eau de senteur (fragrance for children), top-handle wicker basket bag w/ blue gingham scarf, solcaleyo (on etsy) wooden platform sandals w/ bow detail in white

[sleepy-sirin]

Incarnation (Honkai Star Rail x Child! Herrscher! Reader)

Summary: In which Y/n, the creation of Will of Honkai, successfully defeated her own creator with the help of her friends. After defeating the Will of Honkai, for using too much of her power she goes into a deep sleep.

Previous | Next chapter

Chapter 2

Second POV:

"Jarlio-Vl, we're here." Dan Heng said.

"Brrr. It really is one big snowball." March said, as she hugged herself for some warmth.

"It really is one big snowball." Stelle commented.

"Hey, get your own metaphor!" March said to Stelle.

"*Sigh* Snow as far as the eye can. Which direction should we take?" She asked.

"Based on the coordinates, the target should be up ahead." Dan Heng said.

"Then what are we waiting for? Let's- Wait! Where's Y/n?" March panic, knowing they lost you.

The trio search everywhere for you, only to find you sleeping peacefully through the snow. Dan Heng picked you up and carries you into his arms.

"How come she can sleep at this cold temperature?" March asked.

"Considering what Mr.Yang said, that she's not exactly a human but a herrscher." Stelle stated.

"I'll look after her since Mr.Yang entrusted me, knowing if she ever attack anyone of us." Dan Heng said.

"Remember, we should stay vigilant. We know very little about this world." He said.

"Calm down. Between the four of us, nothing will stand in our way." March said.

"I mean c'mon, Stelle, you've got a Stellaron in your body, I have my special Six-Phased Ice powers, Dan Heng... Uhh, he's got that mysterious past thing going for him... and Y/n being a dangerous herrscher, we don't know if she's in our side or not..." She said.

"So, if people start creating trouble for us, they're gonna regret it!" She said.

"Let's just make sure that we're not the ones creating trouble..." Stelle sweatdropped.

"Well, let's not get ahead of ourselves, hehe... Let's go. Braving the unknown... that's the real spirit of trailblazing!" March said.

The four of them walk away and find what they were looking for. They've encountered some of Fragmentum monsters and fight them off to clear their path. Dan Heng was having a hard time since he was holding you while fighting.

The four of them notice a large snow bump along their way, knowing that someone was hiding underneath the snow, hearing someone shivering.

"Hey, get outta there or you'll shiver to death." March said. The person who was hiding is holding their breath to not make a sound.

"Holding your breath won't help..." She said.

"I got this, March. If someone's got their head stuck in the sand, or the snow in this case... they just need a helping hand." Dan Heng said.

"You idiotic human, are you asking for a death wish." You said, you finally awake from your sleep. The trio looks surprised that your awake now.

"Can you put me down now?" Y/n asked Dan Heng.

Dan Heng complied as he puts you down. You walk behind the person who was hiding in snow, and kick them as hard as you can.

"Ouch!"

The man finally left the snow he was hiding. He was slightly hurt from the kick you gave him, and you don't give a damn about it.

"Little girl, was that really necessary? Is crawling around in the snow a crime these days? I mean, c'mon, surely it doesn't warrant a kicking?" The man said. The four of them glared at him.

"... But then again how can I blame you? I mean, I caught you off guard. It had to happen, you could even say I deserved it, huh? Besides, I've made a gallant group of new friends as a result, hehe..." He said.

"... Is Captain Gepard around? H-He's an old buddy of mine..." He asked, slightly worried that he would be caught.

"Who?" March asked.

"Wait, you're not Silvermane Guards? Well, why didn't you say so? Turns out we're on the same side after all! Pleasure to meet you, the name's Sampo Koski." Sampo introduce himself.

"I'm Stelle." Stelle introduce herself.

You didn't introduce yourself but told him:

"Call me Herrscher of the Sea, since you don't have the privilege to call my name."

Sampo sweatdropped, knowing that you don't fully trust him to utter your name, he decided to play along with it. Unaware that you spoke of is your real title.

"Excellent. I'll remember the names. I never thought I'd run into friends from the same line of work out here in this frozen wasteland. *sigh* Business is bad these days, but fear not. Sampo Koski isn't interested in hoarding. There's more than enough treasure to go around, so let's get rich together! Hahaha." Sampo said.

"Say, why don't we join forces? I have reliable intel the main strength of the Silvermane Guards is being deployed to the front line. This is a golden opportunity..." He said.

"What business are you talking about?" Stelle asked, still wary of Sampo.

"Come now, friends. I can understand the mistrust, but there's no need for the charade. Then again, I know the rules, vigilance is the name of the game in our profession. It's my fault for letting my enthusiasm and sincerity get the better of me..." Sampo said.

"Anyway, a meeting like this has to have been written in the stars. Ask me anything you like, I won't skimp on the details. Still, make it snappy, you're never more than ten feet from a Silvermane Guards..." He said.

"Is there a settlement nearby?" Stelle asked.

"Settlement? What a literary turn of phrase. Why, there's only one place in this world where the living still reside, our beloved Belobog! The further away you get, the dicier things become." Sampo said.

While the two of them continue their conversation, you get bored listening to them and decide to go to sleep again, not caring about the conversation they have. Dan Heng and March 7th notice that you fell asleep again.

"*sigh* She fell asleep again." March said.

"Looks like she got bored listening to their conversation." Dan Heng said, he carries you into his arms again.

"Aww, she looks so innocent when she sleeps. How come you get to carry her but I don't?" March pouts.

"Mr.Yang told me to look after her and you will probably drop her somewhere." Dan Heng stated.

"No I won't!" March argue.

Some time later, Stelle and Sampo are done talking to each other.

"By the way, why don't just take us to the city? We don't really know the way." March said.

"The city? Already? I haven't even started trading yet. Showing you the way is easy enough, missy, but it would cost-" Sampo was about to continue but Dan Heng gave him a hard glare.

"...B-But it would be my pleasure! "Kindness" is Sampo Koski's middle name. Follow me, friends, and keep quiet. We don't want to be spotted by the guards." He stutters.

Sampo guided them the path where Belobog is, and started a conversation. Sometime later they were stopped by the Silvermane Guards.

"...Who are they?" Dan Heng asked.

"Uh, you remember the Silvermane Guards I mentioned? That's them..." Sampo explained.

"Help me, old friends! I don't wanna be caught!" Sampo cowers in fear.

"It's the suspect and his accomplices! Arrest them!" A soldier said.

"It's now or never! Over to you, dear friends!" Sampo said, as he runs away from them.

"Hey! Where do you think you're- and he's gone." March deadpanned. She summons her bow and arrow ready to fight the soldiers.

Stelle, March 7th, and Dan Heng, they all fight the soldiers one by one. Dan Heng managed to avoid you getting hit while fighting off the soldier. The soldier on the other hand didn't want to accidentally hit you while you were sleeping.

When March 7th uses her burst on the soldiers but only to be blocked by someone.

He is a tall, stout man with a fair skin, blue eyes and blond hair. Gepard is dressed in thick white clothing with blue and gold trimmings and gold garments, alongside a breastplate and armor for his left hand which appears to have a blue, crystalline design.

"I, Gepard Landau, Captain of the Silvermane Guards, order you to relinquish your futile resistance." Gepard said.

"Grr, that Sampo cheated us all. Wait till I get my hands on him..." March muttered.

"Suspect! Relinquish your resistance!" A soldier said.

"Ugh, so I'm a criminal, huh? Forget Sampo, wait until I get my hands on YOU!" March said.

Dan Heng put you down and placed you away from the fight, so you wouldn't get hurt. From all the fighting they have been doing for an hour, they felt the ground began shaking and out of nowhere some blue tentacles appeared, only to wrap it on Gepard and his soldiers, squeezing them tightly.

The trio felt a dark aura around and turn where it was coming from. It was coming from you, who was woken up with their fight and feeling pissed for disturbing your dream.

"Isn't it rude to fight here when someone is enjoying their dream, hmm~?"

[ewingstan]

I think what I love about Claw is that the protags don’t feel like they’d be protags in other WB stories.

Mia and Carson would be mooks or lieutenants to Coil, Tattletale, or Cauldron that Taylor and Victoria would barely interact with beyond potentially fighting them if need be. Val gives big sierra/charlotte/natalie/presley energy.

Ditto for Pact, Pale, and Twig (no spoilers because idk how far you are in those stories).

But because of this world in particular, they feel perfect for having the spotlight shining on them, if that makes sense.

I do agree that Mia and Carson have the vibe of people who'd be side characters in another story. I mean, the closest character I can think of to Mia's archetype is the vacuum cleaner guy in Breaking Bad, who's very memorable but is barely interacted with. For wildbow characters, she almost feels more like Piggot than anyone else. Piggot in a story where her startling effectiveness and ruthlessness wasn't rendered useless by virtue of not belonging to a superhuman.

There's isolated aspects of her that fit into the typical wildbow protag mold, particularly her ability to gain and use an incredible amount of information others couldn't (traits shared by main protagonists like Taylor and Sy as well as deuteragonists like Lisa, Jessie, etc.) What sets her apart (outside the obvious context of her being an adult parent) is her limitations. She doesn't have Taylor's powers or Sy's charm, which allow them to adapt to new information on the fly and instantly set new plans into motion. Instead, she relies on being so well-prepared that there's nothing she faces that she doesn't already have a plan for.

This changes the whole mode of storytelling. Rather than "how is the wildbow protag gonna use her wits to get outta this one?", its "lets slowly pull back the curtain on the complex machine of a plan the protagonist has put into place for just such a situation." Its a subtle difference, but it has a big impact on how the protag is characterized and what the audience's reaction to big moments are. Like narrating a tense firefight, vs lovingly describing the design of a complex rifle you made a while back and finally get a chance to use. There's a big difference between "oh wow, she just made a bomb to deal with the guys chasing her!" and "oh wow, she's had a bomb in her trunk the entire time on the off-chance someone started chasing her."

Carson's whole "unflappable amoral ladykiller" thing actually is pretty common in protagonists, I've seen bookshelf-filling series that star those types. Whats different about him is that rather than being a hyper-competent one-man army like those characters tend to be, Claw is pretty upfront about the fact that he'd be a two-bit drifter if he wasn't working with Mia. Being that dependent on someone else for your effectiveness bucks a trend not only in shlocky pulp protagonists, but in wildbow protagonists specifically, since wildbow loves taking away his guys allies and resources away only to have them still come out on top and display how they're incredible on their own.

Valentia I might disagree with slightly, if only because she reminds me a lot of Taylor both in her backstory and how her action gets narrated. She fits much more into the "desperate on-the-fly thinking" mold of the average wb protag than Mia "ohoho, you stumbled onto yet another of my landmines" Hurst.

[spectrechosts]

Lawbringer

I want to be done reuploading and all I have left is shorter stories I haven't touched in forever which means shit is getting CONDENSED into single posts so I can have all this done by Halloween

This one is about an outlaw and a bounty hunter who are in love, because I wanted to write girl cowboys. It was four chapters, now it is one post.

Jess focuses, ear held to the door of a safe as she listens to the clicks of the dial, and lets out a sigh as she hears the much louder click of a cocked hammer behind her head.

"Weapons on the ground, hands up." Comes the voice of the gun's owner. She sighs again and turns her attention back to the safe.

"Thought we had us an arrangement, Billie." She whines, struggling to focus on the clicking and the conversation at the same time.

"We did, then the money got better." Says Billie. "C'mon now, weapons on the ground."

Jess fishes a revolver out of her holster and tosses it in the sand.

clickclickCLICK

She starts slowly turning the dial in reverse.

"All of 'em Jess, don't make this harder than it needs to be."

"You wanna grab the knife outta my boot be my guest, I'm in the middle of something."

"Jessie."

clickclickclickclickclickclickclick

"How much?"

"It don't matter to you."

"C'moooon. Don't be like that."

clickclickclickclickclickclickclick

"Three hundred dollars, alive."

"They gonna hang me?"

"Sounds like."

clickclickclickclickclickCLICK

She reverses direction again.

"I wouldn't let you hang, y'know. Not for three hundred."

"I ain't done nothin' worth hanging for."

"And I have?"

clickclickclickclickclickclickclick

"Not my call, Jessie."

"Billie-"

"Hands up, don't make me ask again."

clickclickclickclickclickclickclick

"What'll it take to say you never saw me?"

"I don't want your money, Jess."

"Didn't say nothin' about money." Jess says, a tight smile on her lips. "Got a bottle of whiskey and a camp by the river. Cot's big enough for two."

Billie sighs, and holsters her revolver.

"How'd you even get this thing out here in the middle of nowhere?"

"Fell off a train."

"Uh-huh. And you just happened upon it, didja?"

"Yuuuup."

"Can't keep letting me catch you like this, Jessie. One day the money will be too good, what you gonna do then huh?"

clickclickclickclickclickclickclickclickclickclickclickCLICK

"I'unno." Jess says, opening the safe door and sweeping the contents into her satchel. She tosses an 8oz bar of gold to her would-be captor.

"Now what the hell am I meant to do with this, Jess?"

"Consider it an investment in my continued freedom. We riding together, or-"

"Hell no, I can't be seen with you."

"Aw." Jess pouts. "You'll hurt a girl's feelings, saying things like that."

"I bet. What river?"

"One up north. Camp's just by the bend."

"I'll meet you there once the sun's gone down."

"It's a date!"

"No it fucking ain't."

~~~

Jess plays a horrible, wailing tune on her harmonica.

She's pleased with herself, warmed by the campfire and the whiskey and the girl at her side.

The one who'll kill her, one day, but not tonight. Tonight they're lovers, out under the stars.

And then it all goes to shit, before she's even had a chance to enjoy the spoils of the day.

"Jessie Bowman?" Asks a man stepping from the shadows, rifle at his shoulder.

The tune dies on her lips.

"You're wanted. Dead or alive." He continues, and Billie draws on him before she can say anything.

"Back off." She says. "This one's mine."

"Whaaaat, you're a bounty hunter? Shit." Jessie says to her girl, unconvincingly.

It doesn't matter, she's already decided he can't leave here alive.

"Ain't backin' off on this one, Bill. Money's too good."

"Ain't it always." She hisses. "You aren't dumb enough to start this with me over three hundred dollars, Hank."

"Situation's changed, Bill. One-five-hundred, alive." He pumps the rifle's lever. "Or one-two-fifty dead. I ain't picky."

Billie goes white.

"Jess, what in the hell did you do?"

Hank answers for her. That's fine, the less eyes on her right now the better.

"Knocked off a federal treasury train. She's wanted across state lines, Bill. Now we can do this peacefully or-"

Half of his head is gone before he can finish. He drops into the mud, blood rushing down to join the river.

"Jess, what the hell!?" Billie yells at her, but she's already dropped her shotgun and started packing up camp. "I was handling it!"

"No you weren't." Jess says, kicking out the fire. "And even if you was, he'd know you had me and didn't finish the job. Implication like that'd ruin you, Billie."

"The hell, Jess." Billie repeats.

"I was you, I'd get far away from here before anybody else sees you." Jess says, tearing down her tent and stowing it on her horse. "I know that's what I'm doing."

She pauses, long enough for the weight of the bounty to settle on her shoulders.

"We-" She starts. "We ain't gonna see eachother again, I don't think."

She kisses Billie, but it don't feel the same as it did. It's over now, and there ain't nothing she can do to fix it. The kiss is as empty as a million promises of a better future they ain't never gonna have.

"I-I gotta go, Billie."

She gets on her horse, and hears the click of a hammer behind her.

"I'm sorry." She says, without looking back.

She rides away, and no shot follows her.

The money weren't ever going to be good enough.

The way her heart's hurting, she wishes it was.

~~~

Jess's bounty is over two-thousand dollars by the time Billie crosses into Canada, and a good number of bounty hunters she had built a rapport with over the years are in the dirt.

She's in Canada because Jess talks, when she's cuddly and spent. Talks about her big plans, what she's gonna do with the money, how one day she's gonna clean up and they're gonna be married.

"I wouldn't run to Mexico. We're right on top of Mexico, everyone expects it. Me, I'd ride like hell north while everybody's looking south. All the way to Canada, and ain't nobody'd ever find me."

Well, she's gonna fucking find her, because they ain't been married yet and even though she never believed her when she said it, Billie's apparently holding her to that.

Jess has a lumberjack cousin, up in Canada.

He ain't seen her, and Billie don't believe he ain't seen her, but she can't rightly explain the situation to him in a way that proves she's not in it for the bounty, so she's out on her ass in the snow.

Billie has discovered she fucking hates snow.

She goes from town to town asking after her and gets nothing, and even when she thinks she might have something everyone closes up tighter than a nun's asshole.

Every time she sees a flicker of recollection in someone's eyes she wants to grab them and shake them and scream "I ain't gonna hurt her, I love her, I need her more than anything, please!"

But she don't.

And then one day she gets an offer.

Some lowlife wants to sell Jess out for half the bounty and dibs on the money she stole.

"She's hid out just up this ridge." He says, as they ride out to get her. "Every couple weeks the boss sends me on an errand run for her so she don't get spotted in town, and every couple weeks she sends me back with a little bit of gold for the gang."

Billie nods along, not particularly caring what his angle is.

"Way I figure, I'm just saving the boss some time. Take all the gold at once instead of piece by piece."

"Mm."

She shivers, the biting mountain air chilling her to the bone.

They hitch their horses in the mouth of a cave, a tarp hung across it to block out the worst of the wind.

"Jessie?" The man calls out, pulling the tarp aside.

"…You're early." She calls back, and that's all that Billie needs to hear.

She grabs him and buries her knife in his throat before he can say another word, and he drops to the cave floor with a sickening gurgle.

Jess watches her, stunned and wide-eyed. She's sitting by a fire eating beans, a pile of empty cans tossed to the other end of the cave over the course of weeks.

"B-"

"Don't say nothing." Billie says, retrieving her knife and picking up the man.

"Elias Carlyle, wanted dead or alive for six counts of murder." She explains, dragging him onto the back of her horse before coming back to warm her hands at the fire. She glares at Jessie over the flames. "I'm going to take him back to town, and then you know what I'm gonna do Jess?"

Jessie shakes her head slowly.

"I'm gonna come right back up here, and one of two things is gonna happen." She says. "Either you're still gonna be here, and we're going to have us a talk, and figure out what we're doing next. Or, you're gonna be gone, and I will hunt you down until one of us is dead."

"I-"

"Because I can forgive a lot, Jess. You wanna rob the government, that's your business. You flee the country, I understand, you'd die out there. You wanna make me follow you to some frozen hellhole, fine." She leans in over the fire. "But you didn't think, maybe you should tell your cousin, or any of your other idiot pals, that I was on the level? That I weren't after the bounty?"

"I-I thought maybe you were-"

"I could've bagged you in Arizona, you dumbass! Makin' me do all this horseshit-"

She goes to her horse and climbs on.

"Till one of us is dead, Jess. Don't try me."

Jess nods meekly, and eats another spoonful of beans.

~~~

Jessie's still there when Billie comes back, because not even she is that stupid.

She shakes the snow off her shoulders and sits at the fire, silently. She's not quite sure what the fuck she should do now that she's found her.

But she knows what she wants to do. She peels the glove off her right hand and tosses it to Jess.

"Bite down on that."

She does, and Billie comes around the firepit and straddles her, shoving her had down the front of her jeans. Jess lets out a muffled cry and tries to squirm away.

"Cold?" Billie asks, and Jessie nods. "Good. Make you think twice the next time you wanna make me trek through the fucking snow to find you."

She curls her fingers, ruthless, and Jess presses into her palm desperately, cold be damned.

She needs this as badly as Billie does, and Billie-

She's mad. She can't not be mad, and she shouldn't do it this way, but she don't know what else to do. She ain't good at talking about feelings. She wants Jess to know that she still loves her despite being pissed as hell, and this gets the message across well enough.

"Cannot fucking believe you, Jess." She hisses, pumping fingers in and out, relentless. Jess just whines into the leather, nostrils flaring as her breath quickens.

She doesn't let up when Jess cums, squirming and wrapping her arms around Billie's neck as she squeals through the gag. Nor the second time, as she presses her legs together and pushes against Billie's shoulder because it's too much. After the third she finally relents, Jess sweaty and shivering as she withdraws her fingers and pulls the glove from her mouth.

There's a half-empty whiskey bottle among Jess's belongings, and Billie grabs it and takes a swig, then offers it to her. Jess takes it with a shaky hand and gulps it down.

"Jesus fuck Bill, I'd've run off sooner if I knew you'd do that."

"Fuck you, Jess. Thought I'd never see you again."

"…Yeah." Jess says, cuddling up to her her pissed off not-girlfriend. "Glad you found me."

"I am too. Dumbass. Shithead. Safe full of fucking gold, and you live in a cave. Idjit."

"Things have, admittedly, not gone to plan." Jess shrugs.

"We're making a new plan, because I ain't living in this fucking cave."

"Right now?" She whines, needy. Nuzzles further into Billie's jacket.

"…No. Tomorrow. Love you, dumbass."

[blood-fiend-power]

HIIIII my name is Bibi but you can call me by any of my Kins names!! I am a Beatrice Luna Reden (I Love Amy) fictive and this is my kin blog!! I'm gonna be reblogging stuff and sometimes making canon calls or other stuff here so yeah B)

Proshippers and homophobes/transphobes dni!!!!!

I am these characters, don't try arguing with me about it <3

SOURCEMATES PLEASE INTERACT I MISS YOU WAAAA

KIN LIST!!! (If they are Pink then they are Important, Red means interact with care)

Sayaka Maizono (Danganronpa) (Tag: #i only wished i only wished; sayaka)

Mondo Owada (Danganronpa) (Tag: #teenagers scare the living shit outta me; mondo)

Junko Enoshima- Ult. Gambler (Danganronpa) (Tag: #must be funny; gambler junko)

Junko Enoshima- Ult. Fashionista/Ult. Hope (Danganronpa) (Tag: #i lost myself in make believe; junko)

Kyoko Kirigiri (Danganronpa) (Tag: #i know they're losing and i paid for my place; kyoko)

Mahiru Koizumi- Ult. ???/Ult. Hope (Danganronpa) (Tag: #i expect no dreams and no sweet goodbye to me; mahiru)

Nagito Komaeda (Danganronpa) (Tag: #rhinestone eyes; nagito)

Sonia Nevermind (Danganronpa) (Tag: #we could be beautiful; sonia)

Kaede Akamatsu (Danganronpa) (Tag: #i'm the main character and you have to like me; kaede)

Kirumi Tojo (Danganronpa) (Tag: #if i can't be of service; kirumi)

Korekiyo Shinguji (Danganronpa) (Tag: #you're in my world now not your world; korekiyo)

Dr. Coomer (HLVRAI) (Tag: #hello gordon; dr coomer)

Benrey (HLVRAI) (Tag: #whatever you think of me; benrey)

Garou (One Punch Man) (Tag: #the killer in the mirror; garou)

Kris Dreemur (Deltarune) (Tag: #i promise to never go outside again; kris)

Noelle Holiday (Deltarune) (Tag: #you're a killer and i'm your best friend; noelle)

Toriel (Undertale) (Tag: #slipping through my fingers all the time; toriel)

Chara Dreemur (Undertale) (Tag: #you want your freedom? take it; chara)

Ragatha (Amazing Digital Circus) (Tag: #what the hell's going on can someone tell me please; ragatha)

Marceline (Adventure Time) (Tag: #i'm your cherry bomb; marceline)

The Star (Fionna and Cake) (Tag: #i'll be in my coffin; the star)

Jonathan Joestar (JoJo's) (Tag: #sono chi no sadame; jonathan)

Josuke Higashikata (JoJo's) (Tag: #shine on you crazy diamond; josuke)

Yukako Yamagishi (JoJo's) (Tag: #no ordinary love; yukako)

Bruno Bucciarati (JoJo's) (Tag: #brown sugar; bruno)

Diego Brando (JoJo's) (Tag: #scary monsters super creeps; diego)

Dell Conagher (Team Fortress 2) (Tag: #if crazy equals genius; engineer)

Metal Sonic (Sonic The Hedgehog) (Tag: #stardust speedway bad future; metal sonic)

Maria Robotnik (Sonic The Hedgehog) (Tag: #keep holding on; maria)

Rouge The Bat (Sonic The Hedgehog) (Tag: #hey bitch where you at?; rouge)

ENA (ENA) (Tag: #you understand mechanical hands are the ruler of everything; ena)

Monika (Doki Doki Literature Club) (Tag: #if i don't know how to love you; monika)

Modeus (Helltaker) (Tag: #this is the way they'd love; modeus)

Pandemonica (Helltaker) (Tag: #you should have read the fine print my friend; pandemonica)

Dawn Strider (Homestuck) (Tag: #cooler than me; dawn strider)

Jade Harley (Homestuck) (Tag: #what can i say when the truth comes out; jade harley)

Dirk Strider (Homestuck) (Tag: #how many milligrams of you are still left in there?; dirk strider)

Hal Strider (Homestuck) (Tag: #and a very big steam powered giraffe with smokes; hal)

Davesprite (Homestuck) (Tag: #i know who you pretend i am; davesprite)

Davepetasprite^2 (Homestuck) (Tag: #doesn't this have a name?; davepeta)

Calliope/ Callie Oohpee (Homestuck) (Tag: #i'd preffer if you would use i/me/myself; calliope)

Sollux Captor (Homestuck) (Tag: #doctor could you run another test?; sollux captor)

Kanaya Maryam (Homestuck) (Tag: #vampire vampire; kanaya maryam)

Vriska Serket (Homestuck) (Tag: #but i ain't done a fucking thing to you; vriska serket)

Eridan Ampora (Homestuck) (Tag: #shut your mouth free love's on the streets; eridan ampora)

Feferi Peixes (Homestuck) (Tag: #you're the one who put it there for me; feferi peixes)

Nepeta Leijon (Homestuck) (Tag: #i wanna be your what's happening; nepeta leijon)

Gamzee Makara (Homestuck) (Tag: #i'll be your blessing in digsuise; gamzee makara)

Beta Kankri Vantas/The Signless (Homestuck) (Tag: #saints and sinners; the signless)

Porrim Maryam (Homestuck) (Tag: #hotter than a campfire; porrim maryam)

Latula Pyrope (Homestuck) (Tag: #let's be gay let's do crime; latula pyrope)

Aranea Serket (Homestuck) (Tag: #when i look out there it makes me glad i'm not you; aranea serket)

Kurloz Makara (Homestuck) (Tag: #is there more to lose than gain?; kurloz makara)

Jade Strider (Homestuck- Jade Harley Dave Ways) (Tag: #don't hang up yet i'm not done; jade strider)

Roxy Crocker (Homestuck- Roxy Lalonde Jane Ways) (Tag: #cooking by the book; roxy crocker)

Feferi Maryam (Homestuck- Feferi Peixes Porrim Ways) (Tag: #please relieve me of my dreaming; feferi maryam)

Nepeta Captor (Homestuck- Nepeta Leijon Mituna Ways) (Tag: #but you thought we were riding to heaven; nepeta captor)

Mina Lalonde (Homestuck- Meenah Peixes Rose Ways) (Tag: #since when are overlords too scared to fight?; mina lalonde)

Power (Chainsaw Man) (Tag: #blood blood blood; power)

Monkey D. Luffy (One Piece) (Tag: #it's time we beggin; luffy)

Sanji (One Piece) (Tag: #good old fashioned lover boy; sanji)

Najimi Osana (Komi Can't Communicate) (Tag: #hey hey you you; najimi osana)

Omoharu Nakanaka (Komi Can't Communicate) (Tag: #i loot plot armor from npcs; omoharu nakanaka)

GLaDOS (Portal) (Tag: #now i only want you gone; glados)

Lindsay (Total Drama) (Tag: #she's a bombshell blonde; lindsay td)

Gwen (Total Drama) (Tag: #ain't it fun?; gwen td)

Ella (Total Drama) (Tag: #i'm in love with a fairytale; #ella td)

Julia (Total Drama) (Tag: #i wanna be your only friend; julia td)

Wilford Warfstache (Markiplier Cinematic Universe) (Tag: #let's groove tonight; wilford warfstache)

Wally Darling (Welcome Home) (Tag: #you've been away for far too long; wally darling)

Maggie (Hazbin Hotel) (Tag: #so i can taste your name on my final breath; maggie)

Angel Dust (Hazbin Hotel) (Tag: #bye bye bye; angel dust)

Rosie (Hazbin Hotel) (Tag: #i know your favorite place to dine; rosie)

Carmilla Carmine (Hazbin Hotel) (Tag: #out for love; carmilla carmine)

Lute (Hazbin Hotel) (Tag: #this discussion is senseless and petty; lute)

Angel Gabby (Angel Hare) (Tag: #if you help those who help themselves; angel gabby)

Pest (Regretevator) (Tag: #i don't care; pest)

Lampert (Regretevator) (Tag: #and i'd rather be normal; lampert)

Mach (Regretevator) (Tag: #the conglomerates got you in lock and key; mach)

Falin Touden (Dungeon Meshi) (Tag: #hey hey how was your day?; falin)

Doorwoman (That's Not My Neighbor) (Tag: #i am a freak; doorwoman)

Heather Chandler (Heathers: The Musical) (Tag: honey what are you waiting for?; heather chandler)

Nene (Pico School/Friday Night Funkin') (Tag: #they call me creep and i say loving; nene)

Serial Designation N (Murder Drones) (Tag: #i am not as fine as i seem; sdn)

Doll (Murder Drones) (Tag: #they say you used to be so kind; doll)

Tessa James Elliot (Murder Drones) (Tag: #two birds on a wire; tessa)

Son Goku (Dragon Ball) (Tag: #there's a starman waiting in the sky; goku)

Son Gohan (Dragon Ball) (Tag: #i will make of you another believer; gohan)

Ivy (Lackadaisy) (Tag: #nobody knows it; ivy)

Mitzi (Lackadaisy) (Tag: #venus planet of love was destroyed by global warming; mitzi)

Zora Salazar (Epithet Erased) (Tag: #you won't live to see the light; zora)

Susie Campbell/Alice Angel (BATIM) (Tag: #all eyes on me; susie campbell)

Miles Edgeworth (Ace Attorney) (Tag: #don't you dare; miles edgeworth)

Franziska Von Karma (Ace Attorney) (Tag: #foolish fools; franziska)

Himiko Toga (My Hero Academia) (Tag: #the red means i love you; toga)

Bill Cipher (Gravity Falls) (Tag: #we'll meet again; bill cipher)

Joy (Inside Out) (Tag: #anytime you smile; joy)

Logan Sanders (Sanders Sides) (Tag: #turn it down; logan sanders)

Janus Sanders (Sanders Sides) (Tag: #cause i'm a liar; janus sanders)

Loop (In Stars and Time) (Tag: #so who cares if it's a waste?; loop)

Ryomen Sukuna (Jujutsu Kaisen) (Tag: #let weakness disappear; sukuna)

Hana Kurusu (Jujutsu Kaisen) (Tag: #angel with a shotgun; hana)

Kento Nanami (Jujustsu Kaisen) (Tag: #wake up you need to make money; nanami)

Kim Kitsuragi (Disco Elysium) (Tag: #don't heed no evil wills from moral nihilists; kim kitsuragi)

Veronika (Mouthwashing - Non Canon) (Tag: #do you even care that you might be wrong?; veronika)

[captain-neutrino]

Before tumblr ate the ask, I believe it was @selfshippinglover who asked me something along the lines of "all the remaining asks for captaineer?"

To which i hilariously and charmingly responded, "Every single one???? You absolute mad lad." (If i got the wrong user im so sorry im at wits end after my answers got deleted 😭)

1) Who is the most affectionate?

The captain. Always with the shoulder pats and the ruffling of Mark's hair <3

2) Big spoon/Little spoon?

I feel like they just kinda collapse into each other when they're ready to rest and whatever assortment their bodies find themselves in is what they roll with djsskdj

3) Most common argument?

...How much they should tell the crew about what happened. If they should turn themselves in. Mark doesn't think anyone needs to know, the captain feels alone with the secret, Mark doesn't know why confiding in him isn't enough for them

4) Favorite non-sexual activity?

Looking at stars and terrains probably, they both have a big thirst for adventure and discovery

5) Who is most likely to carry the other?

The captain, as we've seen them do to Mark many times with their Strong Grip

7) What’s the first thing that changes when they realize they have feelings for the other?

The captain stops calling Mark by his surname, which honestly wasn't that noticeable of a change for anyone since the crew heads all seem to be on first name basis, but Capt. Neutrino was more formal at first. Mark definitely noticed the difference right away and tried calling them by their last name instead of their title (Neutrino's first name is not easily accessible info)

9) Who worries the most?

They both have heavy weights on their minds: for the captain its 100,000 living souls, for Mark its uncountable dead ones.

11) Who tops?

I feel like given the content in the film, both Mark and the captain are canonically switches, but Im a top so im gonna have to go ahead and say my captain is a top too lmao

12) Who initiates kisses?

Usually the captain since Mark has trouble working up the courage sometimes; its still weird for him to think that he's allowed to kiss THE captain.

13) Who reaches for the other’s hand first?

The captain.

...It became a habit.

15) Who wakes up first?

Mark. No matter how hard the captain tries, that man is just always up even Earlier somehow. Like, the captain could wake up at 5am only to find that Mark has been up since 2am, absurd hours

16) Who wants to stay in bed just a little longer?

The captain. The captain needs their sleep.

But srsly, they never feel rested; Captain Neutrino sleeps whenever they can get a moment to shut their eyes. Mark is the opposite, always trying to stay awake at all hours with a cup of coffee in his hand, working. Trying to make up for what he did

18) Who leaves little notes in the other’s one lunch? (Bonus: what does it usually say?)

I think the two of them would take to eating with the colonists in the ship's cafeteria. But sometimes the captain gets notes with their lunch anyways: "STAY OUTTA MY KITCHEN"

19) Who tells their family/friends about their relationship first?

Mark does, there's no way he would be able to keep his mouth shut about it. He probably bragged about dating the captain before it was even official

20) What do their family/friends think of their relationship?

If we're going by likely canon reactions... everyone thinks its BS that Mark gets to date them lmao, the captain is way out of his league. Potential jealousy aside, Mark's family/friends are happy for him, while some ppl (Celci) think its unprofessional/inappropriate

I haven't thought of any friends or family for Neutrino so for now this is N/A

21) Who is more likely to start dancing with the other?

As in initiating it? Maaaybe Mark, he seems to be the first to go for high fives, hand shakes, and fist bumps

23) Who comes up with cheesy pick up lines?

Mark would try coming up with some at Burt's suggestion, and then immediately stop the first time Captain Neutrino scowls at him 😂

24) Who whispers inappropriate things in the other’s ear during inappropriate times?

Neither, they're both the type to get sucked into their work or whatever they're doing, so they don't side track each other like that

[butteraway]

when time runs out | ii

⋆ summary:  A young girl has fallen deeply ill with an unknown disease in her, so with all her free time spent in an empty hospital room, she spends it online playing video games. That's until she meets her cousins friends, one spiking her interest with his extremely vulgare language.

pairing: bakugou katsuki x reader

word count: 2.1k

warnings: small mentions of suicide (I’ll put a star ‘⋆’ on top and below the paragraph so you can skip over it if your uncomfortable, you won’t miss anything too important so dont worry!)

"Bro, honestly I still can't believe that you of all people made it into the elite, number one hero school in the country."

"Waahh, I'm telling you! I'm the real deal Y/N!"

"So, how's your summer been? School's gonna be starting soon, are you excited?" Denki could only smile and sigh as his character was finally killed off.

Said girl chuckled as she heard Denki's voice rise through her headphones as they continued killing zombies in front of them. She grimaced as a zombie attacked her from behind her character. Geez, I never get a break in this game.

"Well, to be honest, nothing big really happened besides me getting my acceptance letter from U.A. Just me training and hanging with the fam." He laid back in the comfort of his bed, headphones still on in order to hear his cousin.

"Aah, already training, hero boy? That's why you haven't been visiting me lately." Y/N pouted and crossed her arms as her TV screen turned black, returning her to the main page of the game.

"Man, we suck at this game!" Denki laughed out loud as he saw how long they lasted in the last round. Y/N smiled and let out a small giggle of her own as she placed down her controller.

"Yeah, how long have we had this game for? It still feels like it's our first time playing this." Denki cracked a smile, even though Y/N couldn't see him.

"Hey, sorry for not being able to come to the hospital. Getting ready for U.A. is no joke, haha." Denki rubbed the nape of his neck, eyebrows scrunching up with regret. 

"Nah nah, it's fine! I understand that you have things to do. You have big plans for the future." Y/N brushed a strand of her hair away from her face, looking down at the needles that were plunged into her arms. Her eyes were clouded with an emotion she often felt when talking with Denki. She always felt guilty whenever the feeling came around.

"Must be nice to be able to achieve your dreams." Jealousy. She hated the feeling she got every now and then, but you couldn't really blame her. She lost everything in only a couple of months. Silence passed between the two teenagers, Y/N finally realizing what she said.

"Uh s-sorry about that! I didn't mean to say that alou-" Y/N was cut off by Denki's soft voice.

"Y/N, it's... okay to feel like that. I don't understand what you have been going through, but I know that you shouldn't bring yourself down for something you can't control. You're such an amazing person and to be honest. . ." Denki paused as Y/N's eyes began to glaze over.

"I'm doing this for me and you. You always encouraged me to take any opportunity by, as you like to say, the neck. I-I wanna make you proud, y'know? I wanna make it feel like you're a part of this crazy world, even if you're not really here, walking with me through it all."

Y/N’s lips wobbled as she let out a watery laugh. She hunched over, small tears falling down her face. To someone else, this would've boosted their ego, but to Y/N, those words meant the world to her. No one had ever said that to her before. She felt like she had a purpose in this wretched life of hers. She sniffles were heard by Denki

"H-hey! It's okay, p-please don't cry!" Y/N heard shuffling coming from Denki as he reassured her to not cry.

"I mean it. I only wish you could be there though, it would be so much cooler!" Denki smiled, trying to lighten up the mood. Y/N's sniffles slowly quieted down as she let out a soft laugh that made his heart swell with joy. At least he can make her laugh.

"I'm s-sorry, but no one has ever told me t-that." Small hiccups came from the girl as she calmed down, taking deep breaths to slow her heart rate. Won't want doctors to come rushing in just to see her crying over something so small.

⋆

"I-I'm just really happy you said that." Denki's heart clenched at those words, his chin trembling every now and then. He knew that Y/N wasn't happy with where she was. She had even admitted that she had urges to rip out the needles and slowly lose her life from there. Denki spent the rest of that night talking to her after. To say he was concerned was an understatement. He was terrified when she told him.

⋆

"I think us being able to play games together is already enough!" They both laughed and talked for a couple of minutes before deciding to to hang up. 

"Y/N, I mean it when I say I want you to be happy, okay? I hope you feel better tomorrow. Buh-bye!" Y/N said her goodbye to Denki, hanging up and closing the laptop that sat on a movable table. 

Her smile slowly left her face, leaving her staring blankly at the pure white wall and mirror in front of her. When visitors were gone, her window would turn to a mirror so no one would disturb her. Y/N took a good look at herself and only sighed. Despite being as healthy as she could get, she looked a bit on the thin side, this complimenting her skin. Running a hand through her hair, she untangled the little knots that had formed there.

"Geez, what happened to you girl? You look like a zombie." Y/N looked at the zombie game and cringed.

"Literally."  Just then the door to her room opened and shut quickly, the air filter turning on when a female doctor entered. Y/N watched her carefully as she checked the IV that connected to her arm. The protective suit never made Y/N feel better about her condition.

"Are you alright, Ms. L/N?" The light, stern voice rang through her ears as she looked at the woman in front of her. Y/N gave the doctor a grin.

"Never been better."

It had been an hour since the doctors had turned the lights off, but Y/N didn't feel the slightest bit of exhaustion. She had been sitting in the pitch black room for the time being and was really debating on turning on the TV.

"Ahh, fudge it." Instinctively reaching out for the remote, she turned on the TV and winced as the bright light hit her.

Looking back to the screen, she chose the option of going online and waited for other players to join. While waiting, a new character popped up next to her and she could only smirk at their username. Tapping on her mic, she decided to make conversation with them to see if they also had a mic.

"Now, what to play. What to play..." Y/N had settled for playing OverWatch since she didn't feel like playing any story type games. No cliffhangers tonight, Y/N thought. As the game loaded, she laid back and began thinking about cheesecake. When was the last I ate strawberry cheesecake? Great, now I want some. Thinking about eating cheesecake made her excited about the next day.

"Well hello, dear ol' '​​​​​King Explosion Murder_1.' Nice name you got there." Y/N chuckled as she said the name out loud, seeing another player enter.

"Hello 'Tape Dispenser?' What's with the wack name?" The girl’s eyes crinkled as she smiled at their name, hearing the user chuckle through her headphones. '​​​​​​King Explosion Murder' still had yet to reply, but that didn't bother her. They're either using the bathroom or don't have a mic. 

"The name was inspired by my quirk. But what's up with '_DeathGirl_', huh? You good?"  Y/N could only laugh at what he said. She should really send him a friend request.

"I’m honestly great, a little tired, but great! I just gotta make up a name, y'know? But your quirk has to do with tape? I don't know if that's wicked or useless." The boy laughed while Y/N laughed as well, losing her grip on her controller. That was until a gruff voice interrupted their laughing session.

"Shut the fuck up, your annoying ass voices are giving me a damn headache." Finally, after being silent, 'King Explosion Murder_1' spoke up.

"Aah, so you do talk. I don't know why you didn't say anything sooner Mr. Explosion Murder." The other player could only sneer at what she said, hitting his desk with his fist. Another player had joined, Y/N only noticing.

"Ah, hello 'Sleep Deprived Controller!'" Said player made their character wave, making Y/N chuckle. While they had their interaction, 'King Explosion Murder' was shouting at her, now realizing that she wasn't paying attention to what he was saying.

"Hey! Listen to me when I'm fucking talking to you, emo bitch!" Y/N’s eyes widened, soon rolling her eyes, watching the game load as they were placed into a match. What's his damn problem?

"Hey man, no need to go calling people names now." 'Tape Dispenser' nervously chuckled as he heard the other player growl. Y/N sported a shocked face as she heard this. What is he, a dog??? 

"Outta this conversation, extra!" Tape dude could only deadpan at what he was just called. Who calls people extras?? I’m not an extra, in fact I think I’m- 'Sleep Deprived Controller' listened with an annoyed expression on their face, wishing they could shut their shouting teammate up. Damn, wish I actually had a mic.

The game began as all the players separated, going their own way to kill their enemies. Everyone was in the zone, getting items and yelping every now and then if they were attacked. The first to go down was 'Tape Dispenser', then 'Sleep Deprived Controller', leaving both Y/N and 'King Explosion Murder' left on their team. Y/N smirked at their winning team, only one player was left on the other team. Just as the game was going to end, the opposing player shot down 'Explosion Murder', killing him.

"FUUUUUUUUUUUUU-" His mic cut off, causing the two players with mics in a cackling mess. Y/N calmed down, remembering she was still playing, trying to hunt down the last player. Finally, after many curses by a certain player and cheering from another, she located her enemy. 

"You better fucking win this or I'll kill you." Knowing he didn't mean that last part, she only focused on the first part. You better win this. Those words echoed through her head as she stopped aiming for the player. She hated being told what to do.

"Ah, so you're one of those people." Not knowing what she meant, they only watched with wide eyes at what she did. Y/N jumped down next to the enemy, shooting them twice with her weakest gun, signaling them that she was there. Quickly, the other player shot her character down, killing her. They lost the game.

"THE FUCK WAS THAT FOR?! WE COULD'VE FUCKING WON!" Explosion Murder wasn't taking defeat easily like the other two were. Y/N could only give a grunt of disapproval towards the loud player.

"Ha, why did you just give up right there? You could've easily killed him." Tape Dispenser was just as confused as the other two players, slightly disappointed at the loss. Y/N sighed as she rubbed her forehead.

"Sorry not sorry, but this dude really thought he could get away with telling me what to do. I'll make my move when I'm ready, sorry to disappoint you guys." She sighed as she rubbed her neck, ready to hear the disapprovals of her teammate. But what she heard and saw made her smile.

"Nah, it's fine. It can get a tiny bit annoying with Murder yelling in your ear." Tape Dispenser reassured her, with Sleep Deprived's character giving her a thumbs up. Though, the annoyed sigh caught her attention back to him. Her eyebrow twitched. What is it now?

"I'm done with this fucking sappy shit scene. I'm out." Those were Murder's last words before he disconnected, leaving them in an awkward silence before Y/N stifled a giggle.

"I have a feeling that won't be the last time I'm seeing him." Tape Dispenser chuckled while Sleep Deprived's character shook their head, making Y/N softly laugh. After sending friend requests to both people, she bid them both fair well and left.

Y/N turned off her console and tv, putting the controllers on the table near her. She laid down in the comfort of her bed, thinking about her interactions with the people she met. She smiled, closing her eyes and drifting into a dreamless slumber with only one thought in mind. 

King Explosion Murder is such a weird name.

[toonbly]

Can you image the tension of sitting in the van driving back to where ever they hide out? They're sitting next to each other (Orchestrated by the other three) but are both staring resolutely in other directions, pretending it's all fine but Not Talking. Silence. Nothing. Not even music, since Coomer is driving, but likes to eavesdrop, and is also not subtle about it-

OH MY GOD YOUR M I ND....OKAY OKAY IMAGINE

Like they’re just sitting in ABSOLUTE silence and both Tommy and Bubby are getting THIS CLOSE to saying something like “CAN YOU GUYS JUST TALK IT OUT” but Coomer manages to keep them wrangled in

They stay quiet until they get back to home base- and by home base I mean, of course, Bubby and Coomer’s house. Usually they all reconvene and go over what they got from that days heist, but Gordon- ever the avoidant one- barely stays a moment before saying he needs to step out for a second, and he does! The Coomers have a balcony on the second story, so Gordon’s quick to retreat up there for some fresh, summer night air.

Benrey’s hesitant to follow him at first- His excuse is something about “stupid gordon lameman and uh- not. talking about shit. kinda cringe lol dont wanna deal with that” but Tommy manages to talk him into going to talk to Gordon about the fact that- well, they kissed during a heist. Twice.

Benrey makes his way up to the balcony and sure enough Gordon is up there, leaning over the railway and staring up at the night sky. He doesn’t notice Benrey come out, and Benrey almost doesn’t want to alert Gordon to his presence because he looks so...calm?

His eyes transfixed on the stars above, for once there’s no tension being held in his shoulders, there’s no exhaustion or frustration hidden behind his relaxed expression- perhaps there’s a little nervousness, given what’s just happened, but..He looks peaceful. For once in his goddamn life, Gordon Freeman seems at peace.

And, of course, Benrey is the one that ruins that peace- Not intentionally. That goddamn Sweet Voice of his goes off again (pink to blue- we all know what it means by now) which makes Gordon jump. He turns to Benrey and, for a second, doesn’t say anything. He just watches the colorful bubbles of the Sweet Voice float into the air.

Surprisingly enough, Benrey’s the one who talks first. He says some dumb shit like “so uhhh...we gonna like. talk about that. top ten gordon freeman gay moments? numbers one and two may surprise you? cause like they surprised me” and it manages to get a laugh out of Gordon. More Sweet Voice bubbles come out at that- much to Benrey’s dismay.

And, yeah, they talk about it. Benrey comes over to the railing and looks out over the sky with Gordon, letting the two of them stay in silence for a moment- for once in his goddamn life. It’s Gordon’s response that catches him off guard.

“I’m sorry.”

Wait- huh? What the fuck?

Benrey looks at him, “baffled” doesn’t even BEGIN to cover his expression right now. Gordon takes a deep breath and continues- ��Look I- I know it was kind of weird of me to-” He pauses, vaguely gesturing with his hands- “Especially after...Everything that. Happened between us. I- I like you, a lot, I do but I- I dunno I feel. Shitty just- dropping that on you? We- said and did a lot of shit to each other back there, man- I said and did a LOT of shit to you that I- I probably...wouldn’t have if we weren’t in the middle of the literal fucking apocalypse right in the center of Black Mesa and- I don’t. Know. This is stupid- I’m kinda stupid. The shit I did is stupid. And I- I love you but it’s selfish of me to-”

Oh. Oh no, that wasn’t gonna do.

“bro. shut up. like- listen.” Benrey puts a hand on Gordon’s arm- It’s not lost on either of them how gently Benrey’s fingers brush over the scars just above where Gordon’s prosthetic connects, “i like. did a lot of...shitty things too, man. unepic gamer moments or whatever. i uh...i shouldnt have though. kinda dumb of me. real dumb of me. but like...shits? different now man. im not like. the bad guy anymore- code doesn’t make me do shit. you dont gotta be some big hero protagonist or whatever either so like...we can cut the shit. it all like, sucked, sure, but like. its different now, bro. we’re cool.”

Gordon blinks. Ah, yeah, there’s that smile again, “Y-Yeah? We’re cool..?”

Benrey rolls his eyes, “pfft i mean- fuckin. wouldn’t say it if i didn’t mean it. wouldn’t have kissed your stupid ass if i didn’t want to either. did that twice now. idiot. take a hint maybe.”

And before Benrey knows it there’s a gentle hand cupping his face, making him look up at Gordon- God. His eyes are so pretty. His smile is so soft. A few more of those Sweet Voice bubbles escape from between Benrey’s lips- fuchsia to lavender, you set my heart aflutter!

Before either of them can say anything, Gordon pulls Benrey into kiss- It’s soft, it’s genuine, it’s-

“IT’S ABOUT GODDAMN TIME!” Bubby’s voice echoes from the doorway.

 The two practically jump apart, Gordon letting out a startled yelp as they do. He shoots a glare to Bubby, “Dude! What the FUCK!”

“You were taking too long! We have loot to look over, you know! Quit being saps and hurry it up!” Bubby says, snapping his fingers impatiently. 

Two other figures pop up from behind Bubby- Tommy and Coomer, both with equally large grins on their faces.

“See Benrey I- I told you you could tell him!!!”

“Young love is beautiful!”

Gordon groans, leaning back on the rail with a hand covering his ever reddening face. Benrey chuckles a little.

“cats outta the bag. bro you gotta keep hiding your shame or are you gonna like. come count the loot with us lol.”

Gordon huffs.

“Y’know what. Sure. Fuck it.” He says with a small smile, taking Benrey’s hand and walking with him back into the home.

Benrey can’t help but stare as they walk. Gordon’s got the stupidest grin on his face, his blush is still somewhat present. It’s cute.

It’s nice to see him smiling again. too.

[yourlocalsewerdragon]

{Man} Once upon a time there was a lovely princess. But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort which could only be broken by love's first kiss. She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire-breathing dragon. Many brave knigts had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison, but non prevailed. She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest tower for her true love and true love's first kiss. {Laughing} Like that's ever gonna happen. {Paper Rusting, Toilet Flushes} What a load of - Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll me I ain't the sharpest tool in the shed She was lookin' kind of dumb with her finger and her thumb In the shape of an "L" on her forehead The years start comin' and they don't stop comin' Fed to the rules and hit the ground runnin' Didn't make sense not to live for fun Your brain gets smart but your head gets dumb So much to do so much to see So what's wrong with takin' the backstreets You'll never know if you don't go You'll never shine if you don't glow Hey, now You're an all-star Get your game on, go play Hey, now You're a rock star Get the show on, get paid And all that glitters is gold Only shootin' stars break the mold It's a cool place and they say it gets colder You're bundled up now but wait till you get older But the meteor men beg to differ Judging by the hole in the satellite picture The ice we skate is gettin' pretty thin The water's getting warm so you might as well swim My world's on fire How 'bout yours That's the way I like it and I'll never get bored Hey, now, you're an all-star {Shouting} Get your game on, go play Hey, now You're a rock star Get the show on, get paid And all that glitters is gold Only shootin' stars break the mold {Belches} Go! Go! {Record Scratching} Go. Go.Go. Hey, now, you're an all-star Get your game on, go play Hey, now You're a rock star Get the show on, get paid And all that glitters is gold Only shootin' stars break the mold -Think it's in there? -All right. Let's get it! -Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that thing can do to you? -Yeah, it'll grind your bones for it's bread. {Laughs} -Yes, well, actually, that would be a gaint. Now, ogres - - They're much worse. They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin. -No! -They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the jelly from your eyes! Actually, it's quite good on toast. -Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya! {Gasping} -Right. {Roaring} {Shouting} {Roaring} {Whispers} This is the part where you run away. {Gasping} {Laughs} {Laughing} And stay out! "Wanted. Fairy tale creatures." {Sighs} {Man's voice} All right. This one's full. -Take it away! {Gasps} -Move it along. Come on! Get up! -Next! -Give me that! Your fiying days are over. That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next! -Get up! Come on! -Twenty pieces. {Thudding} -Sit down there! -Keep quiet! {Crying} -This cage is too small. -Please, don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again. I can change. Please! Give me another chance! -Oh, shut up. -Oh! -Next! -What have you got? -This little wooden puppet. -I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy. -Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away. -Father, please! Don't let them do this! -Help me! -Next! What have you got? -Well, I've got a talking donkey. {Grunts} -Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings, if you can prove it. -Oh, go ahead, little fella. -Well? -Oh, oh, he's just - - He's just a little nervous. He's really quite a chatterbox. Talk, you boneheaded dolt - - -That's it. I've heard enough. Guards! -No, no, he talks! He does. I can talk. I love to talk. I'm the talkingest damn thing you ever saw. -Get her out of my sight. -No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk! {Gasps} -Hey! I can fly! -He can fly! -He can fly! -He can talk! -Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey. You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly but I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha! Oh-oh. {Grunts} -Seize him!

-After him! He's getting away! {Grunts, Gasps} {Man} -Get him! This way! Turn! -You there. Orge! -Aye? -By the order of Lord Farquaad I am authorized to place you both under arrest and transport you to a designated..... resettlement facility. -Oh, really? You and what army? {Gasps, Whimpering} {Chuckles} -Can I say something to you? -Listen, you was really, really, really somethin' back here. Incredible! Are you talkin' to - - me? Whoa! -Yes. I was talkin' to you. Can I tell you that you that you was great back here? Those guards! They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up, and bam! They was trippin' over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made me feel good to see that. -Oh, that's great. Really. -Man, it's good to be free. -Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends? Hmm? -But, uh, I don't have any friends. And I'm not goin' out there by myself. Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll stick with you. You're mean, green, fightin' machine. Together we'll scare the spit out of anybody that crosses us. {Roaring} -Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you don't mind me sayin', if that don't work, your breath certainly will get the job done, 'cause you definitely need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause you breath stinks! You almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time - - {Mumbling} Than I ate some rotten berries. I had strong gases eking out of my butt that day. -Why are you following me? -I'll tell you why. 'Cause I'm all alone There's no one here beside me My promlems have all gone There's no one to deride me But you gotta heve friends - - -Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't have any friends. -Wow. Only a true friend would be that cruelly honest. -Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me. What am I? -Uh - - Really tall? -No! I'm an orge! You know. "Grab your torch and pitchforks." Doesn't that bother you? -Nope. -Really? -Really, really. -Oh. -Man, I like you. What's you name? -Uh, Shrek. -Shrek? Well, you know what I like about you, Shrek? You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me thing. I like that. I respect that, Shrek. You all right. Whoo! Look at that. Who'd want to live in place like that? -That would be my home. -Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful. You know you are quite a decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder. -I guess you don't entertain much, do you? -I like my privacy. -You know, I do too. That's another thing we have in common. Like I hate it when you got somebody in your face. You've trying to give them a hint, and they won't leave. There's that awkward silence. -Can I stay with you? -Uh, what? -Can I stay with you, please? -Of course! -Really? -No. -Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to be considered a freak. Well, maybe you do. But that's why we gotta stick together. You gotta let me stay! Please! Please! -Okay! Okay! But one night only. -Ah! Thank you! -What are you - - No! No! -This is gonna be fun! We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories, and in the mornin' I'm makin' waffles. -Oh! -Where do, uh, I sleep? -Outside! -Oh, well. I guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you, and you don't know me, so I guess outside is best, you know. {Sniffles} -Here I go. -Good night. {Sighs} -I mean, I do like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was born outside. I'll just be sitting by myself outside, I guess, you know. By myself, outside. I'm all alone There's no one here beside me {Bubbling} {Sighs} {Creaking} {Sighs} -I thought I told you to stay outside. -I'm outside. {Clattering} -Well, gents, it's a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we have? -It's not home, but it'll do just fune. -What a lovely bed. -Got ya. {Sniffs} I found some cheese. -Ow! {Grunts} -Blah! Awful stuff. -Is that you, Gorder? -How did you know? -Enough! What are you doing in my house? {Grunts} -Hey!

{Snickers} -Oh, no, no, no. Dead broad off the table. -Where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken. -Huh? {Gusps} {Male voice} What? -I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm a terrifying orge! What do I have to do get a little privacy? -Aah! -Oh, no. No! No! {Cackling} -What? -Quit it. -Don't push. {Squeaking} {Lows} - What are you doing in my swamp? {Echoing} Swamp! Swamp! Swamp! {Gasping} -Oh, dear! -Whoa! -All right, get out of here. All of you, move it! Come on! Let's go! Hapaya! Hapaya! Hey! -Quickly. Come on! -No, no! No, no. Not there. Not there. -Oh! {Sighs} -Hey, don't look at me. I didn't invite them. -Oh, gosh, no one invited us. -What? -We were forced to come here. -By who? -Lord Farquaad. -He huffed und he puffed und he...... signed an eviction notice. {Sighs} -All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is? {Murmuring} -Oh, I do. I know where he is. -Does anyone else know where to find him? Anyone at all? -Me! Me! -Anyone? -Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know! Me, me! {Sighs} -Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy tale things. Do not get comfortable. Your welcome is officially worn out. In fact, I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad right now and get you all off my land and back where you came from! {Cheering} {Twittering} -Oh! You! You're comin' with me. - All right, that's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two stalwart friends, off on a whirlwind big-city adventure. I love it! -On the road again. Sing it with me, Shrek. -Hey. Oh, oh! -I can't wait to get on the road again. -What did I say about singing? -Can I whistle? -No. -Can I hum it? -All right, hum it. {Humming} {Grunts} {Whimpering} -That's enough. He's ready to talk. {Coughing} {Laughing} {Clears throat} -Run, run, run, as fust as you can. You can't catch me. I'm the gingerbread man! -You are a monster. -I'm not the monster here. You are. You and the rest of that fairy tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell me! Where are the others? -Eat me!{Grunts} -I've tried to be fair to you creatures. Now my patience has reached its end! Tell me or I'll - - -No, no, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop buttons. -All right then. Who's hiding them? -Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the muffin man? -The muffin man? -The muffin man. -Yes, I know the muffin man, who lives on Drury Lane? -Well, she's married to the muffin man. -The muffin man? -The muffin man! -She's married to the muffin man. {Door opens} -My lord! We found it. -Then what are you waiting for? Bring it in. {Man grunting} {Gasping} -Oh! -Magic mirror - - -Don't tell him anything! -No! {Ginerbread man whispers} -Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall. Is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all? -Well, technically you're not a king. -Uh, Thelonius. -You were saying? -What I mean is, you're not a king yet. But you can become one. All you have to do is marry a princess. -Go on. {Chuckles} -So, just sit back and relax, my lord, because it's time for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are! Bachelorette number one is a mentally abused shut-in from a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for her two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella. -Bachelorette number two is a cape-wearing girl from the land of fancy. Although she lives with seven other men, she's not easy. Just kiss her dead, frozen lips and find out what a live wire she is. Come on. Give it up for Snow White! -And last, but certainly not last, bachelorette number three is a fiery redhead from a dragon-guarded castle surrounded by hot boiling lava! But don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes pina colads and getting caught in the rain. Yours for the rescuing, Princess Fiona! -So will it be bachelorette number one, bachelorette number two or bachelorette number three? -Two! Two! -Three! Three! -Two! Two! -Three! -Three? One? {Shudders} Three? --Three! Pick number three,

my lord! -Okay, okay, uh, number three! -Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess Fiona. If you like pina coladas And getting caught in the rain -Princess Fiona. If you're not into yoga -She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone who can go - - -But I probably should mention the little thing that happens at night. -I'll do it. -Yes, but after sunset - - -Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona my queen, and DuLoc will finally have the perfect king! Captain, assemble your finest men. We're going to have a tournament. -But that's it. That's it right there. That's DuLoc. I told ya I'd find it. -So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle. -Uh-huh. That's the place. -Do you think maybe he's compensating for something? {Laughs} {Groans} -Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek. -Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry. -Hey, you! {Screams} -Wait a second. Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just - - I just - - {Whimpering} {Sighs} {Whimpering, Groans} {Turnstile clatters} {Chuckles} {Sighs} -It's quiet. Too quiet. {Creaking} -Where is everybody? -Hey, look at this! {Clattering, whirring, clicking} Welcome to DuLoc such a perfect town Here we have some rules Let us lay them down Don't make waves, stay in line And we'll get along fine DuLoc is perfect place Please keep off of the grass Shine your shoes, wipe your... face DuLoc is, DuLoc is DuLoc is perfect ...... place {Camera shutter clicks {Whirring} -Wow! Let's do that again! -No. No. No, no, no! No. {Trumpet fanfare} {Crowd cheering} -Brave knights. -You are the best and brightest in all the land. -Today one of you shall prove himself - - -All right. You're going the right way for a smacked bottom. -Sorry about that. {Cheering} -That champion shall have the honor - - no, no - - the privilege to go forth and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona from the fiery keep of the dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first runner-up will take his place and so on and so forth. Some of you mae die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing to make. {Cheering} -Let the tournament begin! {Gasps} -Oh! -What is that? {Gasping} -It's hideous! -Ah, that's not very nice. It's just a donkey. -Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who kills the orge will be named champion! Have it him! -Get him! -Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now. -Go ahead! Get him! -Can't we just settle this over a pint? -Kill the beast! -No? All right then. Come on! I don't give a damn about my reputation You're living in the past It's a new generation -Damn! {Whinnying} A girl can do what she wants to do And that's what I'm gonna do And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me Me, me, me -Hey, Shrek, tag me! Tag me! And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation Never said I wanted to improve my station -Ah! {Laughs} And I'm always feelin' good when I'm having fun -Yeah! And I don't have to please no one -The chair! Give him the chair! And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me Me, me, me Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me, not me {Bell dings} {Cheering} {Laughs} -Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you very much! I'm here till Thursday. Try the veal! Ha, ha! {Shrek laughs} {Crowd gasping, murmuring} -Shall I give the order, sir? -No, I have a better idea. People of DuLoc, I give you our champion! -What? -Congratulations, orge. You're won the honor of embarking on a great and noble quest. -Quest? I'm already in a quest, a quest to get my swamp back. -Your swamp? -Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those tale creatures! {Crowd murmuring} -Indeed. All right, orge. I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for me, and I'll give you your swamp back. -Exactly the way it was? -Down to the last slime-covered toadstool. -And the squatters? -As good as gone. -What kind of quest? -Let me get this straight. You're gonna go fight a dragon and rescue a princess just so Farquaad will give you back a swamp which you only

don't have because he filled it full of freaks in the first place. -Is that about right? -Maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't talk. -I don't get it. Why don't you just pull some of that orge stuff on him? Throttle him, lay siege to his fortress, grinds his bones to make your bread, the whole orge trip. -Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village and put their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleen and drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you? -Uh, no, not really, no. -For your information, there's a lot more to orges than people think. -Example? -Example? Okay, um, orges are like onions. -{Sniffs} They stink? -Yes - - No! -They make you cry? -No! -You leave them in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little white hairs. -No! Layers! Onions have layers. Orges have layers! Onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers. {Sighs} -Oh, you both have layers. Oh. {Sniffs} You know, not everybody likes onions. Cake! Everybody loves cakes! Cakes have layers. -I don't care... what everyone likes. Orges are not like cakes. -You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits. Have you ever met a person, you say, "Let's get some parfait," they say, "No, I don't like no parfait"? Parfaits are delicious. -No! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Orges are like onions! And of story. Bye-bye. See ya later. -Parfaits may be the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet. -You know, I think I preferred your humming. Do you have a tissure or something? I'm making a mess. Just the word parfait make me start slobbering. I'm on my way from misery to happiness today Uh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh I'm on my way from misery to happiness today Uh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh And everything that you receive up yonder Is what you give to me the day I wander I'm on my way I'm on my way I'm on my way -Ohh! Shrek! Did you do that? -You gotta warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was open. Believe me, Donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead. {Sniffs} It's brimstone We must be getting close. -Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking about it's the brimstone. I know what I smell. It wasn't no brimstone. It didn't come off no stone neither. {Rumbling} -Sure, it's big enough, but look at the location. {Laughing} -Uh, Shrek? Uh, remember when you said orges have layers? -Oh, aye. -Well, I have a bit of a confession to make. Donkeys don't have layers. We wear our fear right out there on our sleeves. -Wait a second. Donkeys don't have sleeves. -You know what I mean. -You can't tell me you're afraid of heights. -I'm just a little uncomfortable about being on a rickety bridge over a boiling like of lava! -Come on, Donkey. I'm right here beside ya, okay? For emotional support., we'll just tackle this thing together one little baby step at a time. -Really? -Really, really. -Okay, that makes me feel so much better. -Just keep moving. And don't look down. -Okay, don't look down. Don't look down. Don't look down. Keep on moving. Don't look down. {Gasps} -Shrek! I'm lookin' down! Oh, God, I can't do this! Just let me off, please! -But you're already halfway. -But I know that half is safe! -Okay, fine. I don't have time for this. You go back. -Shrek, no! Wait! -Just, Donkey - - Let's have a dance then, shall me? -Don't do that! -Oh, I'm sorry. Do what? -Oh, this? -Yes, that! -Yes? Yes, do it. Okay. {Screams} -No, Shrek! No! Stop it! -You said do it! I'm doin' it. -I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die. Oh! -That'll do, Donkey. That'll do. -Cool. -So where is this fire-breathing pain-in-the-neck anyway? -Inside, waiting for us to rescue her. {Chuckles} -I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek. {Water dripping, wind howling} -You afraid? -No. -But - - - Shh. -Oh, good. Me neither. {Gasps} -'Cause there's nothin' wrong with bein' afraid. Fear's a sensible response to an unfamiliar situation. Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I might

add. With a dragon that breathes fire and eats knights and breathes fire, it sure doesn't mean you're a coward if you're a little scared. I sure as heck ain't no coward. I know that. {Gasps} -Donkey, two things, okay? Shut ... up. Now go over there and see if you can find any stairs. -Stairs? I thought we was lookin' for the princess. -The princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest tower. -What makes you think she'll be there? -I read it in a book once. -Cool. You handle the dragon. I'll handle the stairs. I'll find those stairs. I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs won't know which way they're goin'. {Creacing} -I'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it to the curb. Don't mess with me. I'm the stair master. I've mastered the stairs. I wish I had a step right here. I'd step all over it. -Well, at least we know where the princess is, but where's the - - -Dragon! {Screams} {Gasps} {Roars} -Donkey, look out! {Screams} {Whimpering} -Got ya! {Roars} {Gasps} {Shouts} -Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! {Screaming} {Gasps} -Oh! Aah! Aah! {Gasping} {Crowls} -No. Oh, no, No! {Screams} -Oh, what large teeth you have. {Crowls} -I mean white, sparkling teeth. I know you probably hear this all time from your food, but you must bleach, 'cause that is one dazzling smile you got there. Do I detect a hint of minty freshness? And you know what else? You're - - You're a girl dragon! Oh, sure! I mean, of course you're a girl dragon. You're just reeking of feminine beauty. What's the matter with you? You got something in your eye? Ohh. Oh. Oh. Man, I'd really love to stay, but you know, I'm, uh - - (Coughs) -I'm an asthmatic, and I don't know if it'd work out if you're gonna blow smoke rings. Shrek! {Gasps} {Whimpering} -No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! {Groans, Sighs} {Vocalizing} -Oh! Oh! -Wake up! -What? -Are you Princess Fiona? -I am, awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me. -Oh, that's nice. Now let's go! -But wait, Sir Knight. This be-ith our first meeting. Should it not be a wonderful, romantic moment? -Yeah, sorry, lady. There's no time. -Hey, wait. What are you doing? You should sweep me off my feet out yonder window and down a rope onto your valiant steed. -You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you? -Mm-hmm. {Screams, grunts} -But we have to savor this moment! You could recite an epic poem for me. A ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something! -I don't think so. -Can I at least know the name of my champion? -Um, Shrek. -Sir Shrek. {Cleans throat} -I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude. -Thanks! {Roaring} -You didn't slay the dragon? -It's on my to-do list. Now come on! {Screams} -But this isn't right! You were meant to charge in, sword drawn, banner flying. That's what all the other knights did. -Yeah, right before they burst into flame. -That's not the point. Oh! -Wait. Where are you going? The next's over there. -Well, I have to save my ass. -What kind of knight are you? -One of a kind. -Slow down. Slow down, baby, please. I believe it's healthy to get to know someone over a long perriod of time. Just call me old-fashioned. {Laughs} -I don't want to rush into a physical relationship. I'm not emotionally ready for a commitment of, uh, this - - Magnitude really is the word I'm looking for. Magnitude- - Hey, that is unwanted physical contact. Hey, what are you doing? Okay, okay. Let's just back up a little and take this one step at a time. We really should get to know each other first as friends or pen pals. I'm on the road a lot, but I just love receiving cards - - I'd really love to stay, but - - Don't do that! That's my tail! That's my personal tail. You're gonna tear it off. I don't give permission - - What are you gonna do with that? Hey, now. No way. No! No! No, no! No. No, no, no. No! Oh! {Growls} {Roaring} {Gasps} -Hi, Princess! -It talks! -Yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's the trick. {Screams} {Screaming} -Oh! {Thuds} {Groans} {Roars}

{Roaring} -Okay, you two, heard for the exit! I'll take care of the dragon. {Fchoing} -Run! {Gasping} {Screaming} {Roaring} {Screams} {Roars} {Panting, sighs} {Whimpers} {Roars} -You did it! -You rescued me! You're amazing. You're - - You're wonderful. You're... a little unorthodox I'll admit. But they deed is great, and thine heart is pure. I am eternally in your debt. {Clears throat} -And where would a brave knight be without his noble steed? -I hope you heard that. She called me a noble steed. She think I'm a steed. -The battle is won. You may remove your helmet, good Sir Knight. -Uh, no. -Why not? -I have helmet hair. -Please. I would'st look upon the face of my rescuer. -No, no, you wouldn't - - 'st. -But how will you kiss me? -What? That wasn't in the job description. -Maybe it's a perk. -No, it's destiny. Oh, you must know how it goes. A princess locked in a tower and beset by a dragon is rescued by a brave knight, and then they share true love's first kiss. -Hmm? With Shrek? You think- - Wait. Wait. You think that Shrek is you true love? -Well, yes. {Laughing} -You think Shrek is your true love! -What is so funny? -Let's just say I'm not your tipe, okay? -Of course, you are. You're my rescuer. Now - - Now remove your helmet. -Look. I really don't think this is a good idea. -Just take off the helmet. -I'm not going to. -Take ot off. -No! -Now! -Okay! Easy. As you command. Your Highness. -You- - You're a- - an orge. -Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming. -Well, yes, actually. Oh, no. This is all wrong. You're not supposed to be an orge. {Sighs} -Princess, I was sent to rescue you by Lord Farquaad, okay? He is the one who wants to marry you. -Then why didn't he come rescue me? -Good question. You should ask him that when we get there. -But I have to be rescued by my true love, not by some prge and his- - his pet. -So much for noble steed. -You're not making my job any easier. -I'm sorry, but your job is not my problem. You can tell Lord Farquaad that if he wants to rescue me properly, I'll be waiting for him right here. -Hey! I'm no one's messenger boy, all right? I'm a delivery boy. -You wouldn't dare. Put me down! -Ya comin', Donkey? -I'm right behind ya. -Put me down, or you will suffer the consequences! This is not dignified! Put me down! -Okay, so here's another question. Say there's a woman that digs you, right, but you don't really like her that way. How do you let her down real easy so her feelings aren't hurt, but you don't get burned to a crisp and eaten? -You just tell her she's not your true love. Everyone knowest what happens when you find your - - Hey! {Sighs} -The sooner we get to DuLoc the better. -You're gonna love it there, Princess. It's beautiful! -And what of my groom-to-be? Lord Farquaad? What's he like? -Let me put it this way, Princess. Men of Farquaad's stature are in short supply. {Laughs} -I don't know. There are those who think little of him. -Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You're just jealous you can never measure up to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad. -Yeah, well, maybe you're right, Princess. But I'll let you do the "measuring" when you see him tomorrow. -Tomorrow? It'll take that long? Shouldn't we stop to make camp? -No, that'll take longer. We can keep going. -But there's robbers in the woods. -Whoa! Time out, Shrek! Camping's starting to sound good. -Hey, come on. I'm scarier than anything we're going to see in this forest. -I need to find somewhere to camp now! {Birds wings fluttering} {Grunting} -Hey! Over here. -Shrek, we can do better than that. I don't think this is fit for a princess. -No, no, it's perfect. It just needs a few homey touches. -Homey touches? Like what? {Crashing} -A door? Well, gentlemen, I bid thee good night. -You want me to read you a bedtime story? I will. -I said good night! -Shrek, What are you doing? {Laughs} -I just- - You know - - Oh, come on. I was just kidding. {Fire cracking} -And, uh, that one, that's

Throwback, the only orge to ever spit over three wheat fields. Right. Yeah. -Hey, can you tell my future from these stars? -The stars don't tell the future, Donkey. They tell stories. Look, there's Bloodnut, the Flatulent. You can guess what he's famous for. -I know you're making this up. -No, look. There he is, and there's the group of hunters running away from his stench. -That ain't nothin' but a bunch of little dots. -You know, Donkey, sometimes things are more than they appear. Hmm? Forget it. {Sighs} -Hey, Shrek, what we gonna do when we get our swamp anyway? -Our swamp? -You know, when we're through rescuing the princess. -We? Donkey, there's no "we". There's no "our". There's just me and my swamp. The first thing I'm gonna do is build a ten-foot wall arond my land. -You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me real deep just now. You know what I think? I think this whole wall thing is just a way to keep somebody out. -No, do ya think? -Are you hidin' something? -Never mind, Donkey. -Oh, this is another one of those onion things, isn't it? -No, this is one of those drop-it and leave-it alone things. -Why don't you want to talk about it? -Why do you want to talk about it? -Why are you blocking? -I'm not blocking. -Oh, yes, you are. -Donkey, I'm warning you. -Who you trying to keep out? -Everyone! Okay? -Oh, now we're gettin' somewhere. -Oh! For the love of Pete! -What's your problem? What you got against the whole world anyway? -Look, I'm not the one with the problem, okay? It's the world that seems to have a problem with me. People take one look at me and go. "Aah! Help! Run! A big, stupid, ugly orge!" They judge me before they even know me. That's why I'm better off alone. -You know what? When we met, I didn't think you was just a big, stupid, ugly orge. -Yeah, I know. -So, uh, are there any donkeys up there? -Well, there's, um, Gabby, the Small and Annoying. -Okay, okay, I see it now. The big shiny one, right there. That one there? -That's the moon. -Oh, okay. {Orchestra} {Dulcimer} -Again, show me again. Mirror, mirror, show her to me. Show me the princess. -Hmph. -Ah. Perfect. {Inhales} {Snoring} {Vocalizing} {Whistling} {Sizzling} {Sniffs, yawns} -Mmm, yeah, you know I like it like that. --Come on, baby. I said I like it. -Donkey, wake up. -Huh? What? -Wake up. -What? -Good morning. Hm, how do you like your eggs? -Good morning, Princess! -What's all this about? -You know, we kind of got off to a bad start yesterday. I wanted to make it up to you. I mean, after all, you did rescue me. -Uh, thanks. {Sniffs} -Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead of us. {Belches} -Shrek! -What? It's a compliment. Better out than in, I always say. {Laughs} -Well, it's no way to behave in front of a princess. {Belches} -Thanks. -She's as nasty as you are. -{Laughs} You know, you're not exactly what I expected. -Well, maybe you shouldn't judge people before you get to know them. {Vocalizing} -La liberte! Hey! -Princess! {Laughs} -What are you doing? -Be still, mon cherie, for I am you savior! And I am rescuing you from this green - - {Kissing sounds} -beast. -Hey! -That's my princess! Go find you own! -Please, monster! Can't you see I'm a little busy here? -Look, pal, I don't know who you think you are! -Oh! Of couse! Oh, how rude. Please let me introduse myself. Oh, Merry Men. {Laughs} {Accordion} Ta, dah, dah, dah, whoo. I steal from the rich and give to the needy. He takes a wee percentage, But I'm not greedy. I rescue pretty damsels Man, I'm good What a guy, Monsieur Hood Break it down I like an honest fight and a saucy little maid What he's basically saying is he likes to get - - Paid So When an orge in the bush grabs a lady by the tush That's bad That's bad When a beauty's with a beast it makes me awfully mad He's mad He's really, really mad I'll take my blade and ram it through your heart Keep your eyes on me, boys 'cause I'm about to start {Grunts, Groans} {Karate Yell}

{Merry Men Gasping} {Panting} -Man, that was annoying! -Oh, you little- - {Karate Yell} {Accordion} {Shouting, groaning} {Chuckles} -Uh, shall we? -Hold the phone. {Grunts} Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on now. Where did that come from? -What? -That! Back there. That was amazing! Where did you learn that? -Well - - {Chuckles} When one lives alone, uh, one has to learn these things in case there's a - - There's an arrow in your butt! -What? Oh, would you look at that? -Oh, no. This is all my fault. I'm so sorry. -Why? What's wrong? -Shrek's hurt. -Shrek's hurt. Shrek's hurt? Oh, no, Shrek's gonna die. -Donkey, I'm okay. -You can't do this to me, Shrek. I'm too young for you to die. Keep you legs elevated. Turn your head and cough. Does anyone know the Heimlich? -Donkey! Calm down. If you want to help Shrek, run into the woods and find me a blue flower with red thorns. -Blue flower, red thorns. Okay, I'm on it. Blue flower, red thorns. Don't die Shrek. If you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light! -{Both} Donkey! -Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns. -What are the flowers for? -For getting rid of Donkey. -Ah. -Now you hold still, and I'll yank this thing out. -Ow! Hey! Easy with the yankin'. -I'm sorry, but it has to come out. -No, it's tender. -Now, hold on. -What you're doing is the opposite of help. -Don't move. -Look, time out. -Would you - - {Grunts} -Okay. What do you propose we do? -Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn't color-blind! Blue flower, red thorns. -Ow! -Hold on, Shrek! I'm comin'! -Ow! Not good. -Okay. Okay. I can nearly see the head. {Grunts} -It's just about - - -Ow! Ohh! -Ahem. -Nothing happend. We were just, uh - - -Look, if you wanted to be alone, all you had to do was ask. Okay? -Oh, come on! That's the last thing on my mind. The princess here was just- - Ugh! -Ow! -Hey, what's that? {Nervous chickle} -That's- - Is that blood? {Sighs} {Bird chirping} {Grunts} My beloved monster and me We go everywhere together Wearin' a raincoat that has four sleeves Gets us through all kinds of weather -Aah! She will always be the only thing That comes between me and the awful sting That comes from living in a world that's so damn mean {Croaks} Oh, oh-oh-oh-oh -Hey! La-la, la-la, la-la-la-la {Both laughing} La-la, la-la, la-la -There it is, Princess. Your future awaits you. -That's DuLoc? -Yeah, I know. You know, Shrek thinks Lord Farquaad's compensating for something, which I think means he has a really - - Ow! -Um, I, uh- - I guess we better move on. -Sure. But, Shrek? I'm - - I'm worried about Donkey. {Blubbering} -What? -I mean, look at him. He doesn't look so good. -What are you talking about? I'm fine. -That's what they always say, and then next thing you know, you're on your back. Dead. -You know, she's right. You look awful. Do you want to sit down? -Uh, you know, I'll make you some tea. -I didn't want to say nothin', but I got this twinge in my neck, and when I turn my head like this, look, {Bones crunch} -Ow! See? -Who's hungry? I'll find us some dinner. -I'll get the firewood. -Hey, where you goin'? Oh, man, I can't feel my toes! I don't have any toes! I think I need a hug. -Mmm. This is good. This is really good. What is this? -Uh, weedrat. Rotisserie style. -No kidding. Well, this is delicious. -Well, they're also great in stews. Now, I don't mean to brag, but I make a mean weedrat stew. {Chuckling} {Sighs} -I guess I'll be dining a little differently tomorrow night. {Gulps} -Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime. I'll cook all kind of stuff for you. Swamp toad soup, fish eye tartare - - you name it. {Chuckles} -I'd like that. {Slurps, laughs} See the pyramids along the Nile -Um, Princess? Watch the sunrise from a tropic isle -Yes, Shrek? -I, um, I was wondering. Just remember, darling all the while -Are you- - You belong to me

{Sighs} -Are you gonna eat that? {Chuckles} -Man, isn't this romantic? Just look at that sunset. -Sunset? -Oh, no! I mean, it's late. I-It's very late. -What? -Wait a minute. I see what's goin' on here. You're afraid of the dark, aren't you? -Yes! Yes, that's it. I'm terrified. You know, I'd better go inside. -Don't feel bad, Princess. I used to be afraid of the dark, too, until - - Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of the dark. {Shrek sighs} -Good night. -Good night. {Door creaks} -Ohh! Now I really see what's goin' on here. -Oh, what are you talkin' about? -I don't even wanna hear it. Look, I'm an animal, and I got instincts. And I know you two were diggin' on each other. I could feel it. -You're crazy. I'm just bringing her back to Farquaad. -Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell the pheromones. Just go on in and tell her how you feel. -I- - There's nothing to tell. Besides, even if I did tell her that, well, you know - - and I'm not sayin' I do 'cause I don't - - she's a princess, and I'm - - -An orge? -Yeah. An orge. -Hey, where you goin'? -To get... move firewood. {Sighs} -Princess? Princess Fiona? Princess, where are you? {Wings fluttering} -Princess? {Creaking} {Gasps} -It's very spooky in here. I ain't playing no games. {Screams} -Aah! -Oh, no! -No, help! -Shh! -Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! -No, it's okay. It's okay. -What did you do with the princess? -Donkey, I'm the princess. -Aah! -It's me, in this body. -Oh, my God! You ate the princess. Can you hear me? -Donkey! -Listen, keep breathing! I'll get you out of there! -No! -Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! -Shh. -Shrek! -This is me. {Muffled mumbling} -Princess? What happened to you? You're, uh, uh, uh, different. -I'm ugly, okay? -Well, yeah! Was it something you ate? 'Cause I told Shrek those rats was a bad idea. You are what you eat, I said. Now - - -No. -I - - I've been this way as long as I can remember. -What do you mean? Look, I ain't never seen you like this before. -It's only happens when sun goes down. "By night one way, by day another. This shall be the norm... until you find true love's first kiss... and then take love's true form." -Ah, that's beautiful. I didn't know you wrote poetry. -It's a spell. {Sighs} -When I was a little girl, a witch cast a spell on me. Every night I become this. This horrible, ugly beast! I was placed in a tower to await the day my true love would rescue me. That's why I have to marry Lord Farquaad tomorrow before the sun sets and he sees me like this. {Sobs} -All right, all right. Calm down. Look, it's not that bad. You're not that ugly. Well, I ain't gonna lie. You are ugly. But you only look like this at night. Shrek's ugly 24-7. -But Donkey, I'm a princess, and this is not how a princess is meant to look. -Princess, how 'bout if you don't marry Farquaad? -I have to. Only my true love's kiss can break the spell. -But, you know, um, you're kind of an orge, and Shrek - - well, you got a lot in common. -Shrek? -Princess, I - - Uh, how's it going, first of all? Good? Um, good for me too. I'm okay. I saw this flower and thought of you because it's pretty and - - well, I don't really like it, but I thought you might like it 'cause you're pretty. But I like you anyway. I'd - - uh, uh - - {Sighs} -I'm in trouble. Okay, here we go. -I can't just marry whoever I want. Take a good look at me, Donkey. I mean, really, who can ever love a beast so hideous and ugly? "Princess" and "ugly" don't go together. That's why I can't stay here with Shrek. {Gasps} -My only chance to live happily ever after is to marry my true love. {Deep sigh} -Don't you see, Donkey? That's just how it has to be. It's the only way to break the spell. -You at least gotta tell Shrek the truth. -No! You can't breathe a word. No one must ever know. -What's the point of being able to talk if you gotta keep secrets? -Promise you won't tell. Promise! -All right, all right. I won't tell him. But you should. I just know before this is over, I'm

gonna need a whole lot of serious therapy. -Look at my eye twitchin'. {Door opens} {Snoring} -I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him. -Shrek! Shrek, there's something I want - - {Snoring} -Shrek. Are you all right? -Perfect! Never been better. -I - - I don't - - There's something I have to tell you. -You don't have to tell me anything, Princess. I heard enough last night. -You heard what I said? -Every word. -I thought you'd understand. -Oh, I undersatnd. Like you said, "Who could love a hideous, ugly beast?" -But I thought that wouldn't matter to you. -Yeah? Well, it does. {Gasps, sighs} -Ah, right on time. {Horse whinnies} -Princess, I've brought you a little something. {Fanfare} {Yawns} -What'd I miss? What'd I miss? {Muffled} -Who said that? Couldn't have been a donkey. -Princess Fiona. -As promised. Now hand it over. -Very well, orge. The deed to your swamp, cleared out, as agreed. -Take it and go before I change my mind. -Forgive me, Princess, for startling you, but you startled me, for I have never seen such a radiant beauty before. I'm Lord Farquaad. -Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no. {Snaps fingers} -Forgive me, my lord, for I was just saying a short... farewell. -Oh, that is so sweet. You don't have to waste good manners on the orge. It's not like it has feelings. -No, you're right. It doesn't. -Princess Fiona, beautiful, fair, flawerss Fiona. I ask your hand in marriage. {Gasps} -Will you be the perfect bride for the perfect groom? -Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would make - - -Excellent! I'll start the plans, for tomorrow we wed! -No! I mean, uh, why wait? Let's get married today before the sun sets. -Oh, anxious, are you? You're right. The sooner, the better. There's so much to do! Threre's the caterer, the cake, the band, the guest list. Captain, round up some guests! -Fare-thee-well, orge. -Shrek, what are you doing? You're letting her get away. -Yeah? So what? -Shrek, there's something about her you don't know. Look, I talked to her last night, She's - - -I know you talked to her last night. You're great pals, aren't ya? Now, if you two are such good friends, why don't you follow her home? -Shrek, I - - I wanna go with you. -I told you, didn't I? You're not coming home with me. I live alone! My swamp! Me! Nobody else! Understand? Nobody! Especially useless, pathetic, annoying, talking donkeys! -But I thought - - -Yeah. You know what? You tought wrong! -Shrek. I heard there was a secret chord That David played and it pleased the Lord But you don't really care for music, do ya It goes like this the fourth, the fifth The minor fall the major lift The baffled king composing hallelujah Hallelujah, hallelujah Baby, I've been here before I know this room I've walked this floor I used to live alone before I knew you I've seen your flag on the marble arch But love is not a victory march It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah Hallelujah, hallelujah And all I ever learned from love Is how to shoot at someone Who outdrew you {Moaning} And it's not a cry you can hear at night It's not somebody who's seen the light It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah {Moaning} Hallelujah, hallelujah {Thumping sound} -Donkey? {Grunts} -What are you doing? -I would think, of all people, you would recognize a wall when you see one. -Well, yeah. But the wall's supposed to go around my swamp, not through it. -It is around your half. See that's your half, and this is my half. -Oh! Your half. Hmm. -Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess. I did half the work. I get half the booty. Now hand me that big old rock, the one that looks like your head. -Back off! -No, you back off. -This is my swamp! -Our swamp. -Let go, Donkey! -You let go. -Stubborn jackass! -Smelly orge. -Fine! -Hey, hey, come back here. I'm not through with you yet. -Well, I'm through with you. -Uh-uh. You know, with you it's always, "Me, me, me!" Well, guess what! Now it's my turn! So you just shut up

and pay attention! You are mean to me. You insult me and you don't appreciate anything that I do! You're always pushing me around or pushing me away. -Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so bad, how come you came back? -Because that's what friends do! They forgive each other! -Oh, yeah. You're right, Donkey. I forgive you... for stabbin' me in the back! -Ohh! You're so wrapped up in layers, onion boy, you're afraid of your own feelings. -Go away! -There you are , doing it again just like you did to Fiona. All she ever do was like you, maybe even love you. -Love me? She said I was ugly, a hideous creature. I heard the two of you talking. -She wasn't talkin' about you. She was talkin' about, uh, somebody else. -She wasn't talking about me? Well, then who was she talking about? -Uh-uh, no way. I ain't saying anything. You don't wanna listen to me. Right? Right? -Donkey! -No! -Okay, look. I'm sorry, all right? {Sighs} -I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big, stupid, ugly orge. Can you forgive me? -Hey, that's what friends are for, right? -Right. Friends? -Friends. -So, um, what did Fiona say about me? -What are you asking me for? Why don't you just go ask her? -The wedding! We'll never make it in time. -Ha-ha-ha! Never fear, for where, there's a will, there's a way and I have a way. {Whistles} -Donkey? -I guess it's just my animal magnetism. {Laughing} -Aw, come here, you. -All right, all right.Don't get all slobbery. No one likes a kiss ass. All right, hop on and hold on tight. I haven't had a chance to install the seat belts yet. -Whoo! {Bells tolling} {All gasping} -People of DuLoc, we gather here today to bear witnss to the union.... -Um- -of our new king - - -Excuse me. Could we just skip ahead to the "I do's"? {Chuckling} -Go on. -Go ahead, HAVE SOME FUN. If we need you, I'll whistle. How about that? Shrek, wait, wait! Wait a minute! You wanna do this right, don't you? -What are you talking about? -There's a line you gotta wait for. The preacher's gonna say, "Speak now or forever hold your peace." That's when you say, "I object!" -I don't have time for this! -Hey, wait. What are you doing? Listen to me! Look, you love this woman, don't you? -Yes. -You wanna hold her? -Yes. -Please her? -Yes! -Then you got to, got to try a little tenderness. The chicks love that romantic crap! -All right! Cut it out. When does this guy say the line? -We gotta check it out. -And so, by the power vested in me, -What do you see? -The whole town's in there. -I now pronounce you husband and wife, -They're at the altar. -king and queen. -Mother Fletcher! He already said it. -Oh, for the love of Pete! {Grunts} -I object! -Shrek? {Gasps} -Oh, now what does he want? -Hi, everyone. Havin' a good time, are ya? I love DuLoc, first at all. Very clean. -What are you doing here? -Really, it's rude enough being alive when no one wants you, but showing up uninvited to a wedding - - -Fiona! I need to talk to you. -Oh, now you wanna talk? It's a little late for that, so if you'll excuse me - - -But you can't marry him. -And why not? -Because- - Because he's just marring you so he can be king. -Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him. -He's not your true love. -And what do you know about true love? -Well, I - - Uh - - I mean - - -Oh, this is precious. The orge has fallen in love with the princess! Oh, good Lord. {Crowd laughting} -An orge and a princess! -Shrek, is this true? -Who cares? It's preposterous! Fiona, my love, we're but a kiss away from our "happily ever after." Now kiss me! Mmmmm! -"By night one way, by day another." I wanted to show you before. {Whimpers} {Crown gasping} -Well, uh, that explains a lot. -Ugh! It's disgusting! Guards! Guards! I order you to get that out of my sight now! Get them! Get them both! -No, no! -Shrek! -This hocus-pocus alters nothing. This marriage is binding, and that makes me king! See? See? -No, let go of me! Shrek! -No! -Don't just stand there, you morons. -Get out of my way!

Fiona! Arrgh! -I'll make you regret the day we met. I'll see you drawn and quartered! -You'll beg for death to save you! -No, Shrek! -And as for you, my wife, -Fiona! -I'll have you locked back in that tower for the rest of your days! -I'm king! {Whistles} -I will have order! I will have perfection! I will have - - Aaaah! -Aah! -All right. Nobody move. I got a dragon here, and I'm not afraid to use it. {Roars} -I'm a donkey on the edge! {Belches} -Celebrity marriages. They never last, do they? {Cheering} -Go ahead, Shrek. -Uh, Fiona? -Yes, Shrek? -I - - I love you. -Really? -Really, really. - I love you too. -Aawww! -"Until you find true love's first kiss and then take love's true form." -"Take love's true form. Take love's true form." -Fiona? Fiona. Are you all right? -Well, yes. But I don't understand. I'm supposed to be beautiful. -But you ARE beautiful. {Chuckles} -I was hoping this would be a happy ending. I thought love was only true in fairy tales Oy! Meant for someone else but not for me Love was out to get me That's the way it seemed Disappointment haunted all my dreams And then I saw her face Now I'm a believer and not a trace Of doubt in my mind I'm in love Ooh-aah I'm a believer I couldn't leave her If I tried -God bless us, every one. Come on, y'all! Then I saw her face Ha-ha Now I'm a believer Listen! Not a trace Of doubt in my mind I'm in love Ooh-aah I'm a believer I couldn't leave her if I tried -Ooh! -Uh! Then I saw her face Now I'm a believer Hey! Not a trace Uhh! Yeah. Of doubt in my mind -One more time! I'm in love I'm a believer Come on! I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, hey Y'all sing it with me! I Believe I believe People in the back! I believe I'm a believer I believe I believe I believe I believe {Hysterical laughing} -Oh, that's funny. Oh. Oh. -I can't breathe. I can't breathe. I believe in self-assertion Destiny or a slight diversion Now it seems I've got my head on straight I'm a freak an apparition Seems I've made the right decision To try to turn back now it might be too late Now I want to stay home today Don't wanna go out If anyone comes to play Gonna get thrown out I wanna stay home today Don't want no company No way Yeah, yeah, yeah I wanna be a millionaire someday But know what it feels like to give it away Watch me march to the beat of my own drum And it's off to the moon and then back again Same old day Same situation My happiness rears back as if to say I wanna stay home today Don't wanna go out If anyone comes to play Gonna get thrown out I wanna stay home today Don't want no company No way Yeah, yeah, yeah I wanna stay home, stay home, stay home......... I get such a thrill when you look in my eyes My heart skips a beat Girl, I feel so alive Please tell me, baby, if all this is true 'Cause deep down inside all I wanted was you Oh-oh-oh Makes me wanna dance Oh-oh-oh It's a new romance Oh-oh-oh I look into your eyes Oh-oh-oh The best years of our lives When we first met I could hardly believe The things that would happen and we could achieve So let's be together for all of our time Oh, girl, I'm so thankful that you are still mine You always consider me like an ugly duckling And treat me like a Nostradamus was why I had to get my shine on I break a little something to keep my mind on 'Cause you had my mind gone Eh-eh, eh-eh, eh-eh Turn the lights on, Come on, baby Let's just rewind the song 'Cause all I want to do is make the rest years the best years All night long Oh-oh-oh Makes me wanna dance Makes me wanna dance Oh-oh-oh It's a new romance It's a new romance Oh-oh-oh I look into your eyes Oh, yeah, yeah I look into your eyes Oh-oh-oh The best years of our lives Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.............. Everything looks bright Standing in your light Everything feels right What's left is out of sight What's a girl

to do I'm telling you You're on my mind I wanna be with you 'Cause when you're standin' next to me It's like wow And all your kisses seem to set me free It's like wow And when we touch it's such a rush I can't get enough It's like- - It's like Ooh-ooh Hey, what It's like wow Ooh-ooh, hey Hey, yeah It's like wow Everything is looking right now, right now It's like wow And I got this feeling This feeling it's just like wow It's just like wow You are all I'm thinking of. Like wow Everything feels right Everything feels right Like wow Everything looks bright All my senses are right Like wow Everything feels right Baby, baby, baby the way I'm feeling you Is like wow There is something that I see In the way you look at me There's a smile There's a truth In your eyes What an unexpected way On this unexpected day Could it be This is where I belong It is you I have loved All long There's no more mystery It is finally clear to me You're the home my heart's searched for So long It is you I have loved All long Whoa, over and over I'm filled with emotion As I look Into your perfect face

i don't think you guys understand how much i've suffered

[emyume]

Eremika ♡  {Titanic AU + headcanons}

(Hi everyone! I decided to make something special for my birthday, which was on the 30th, but I couldn’t finish it until just now. So, this is kinda like a late birthday present to myself, and a new years gift to all my fellow eremika fans. This is my first time ever making something like this, so please bear with me if it’s kinda long, and I hope everyone has an amazing new year! ✿ ◡ ‿◡ )

The first time he ever sees Mikasa, he's hanging out with his friends on the 3rd class deck. As he looks up, he notices her walk towards the railing. With the sunlight scanning down her body, a cool ocean breeze gently waves her short hair and her delicately sewn dress side-to-side. Resting her hands on the railing as she watches the horizon. 

He slowly freezes in her presence; leaving him breathless. Asking himself whether or not he had just seen an angel due to how bright and iridescent the evening sun was, as it shined down on her. Like a fallen angeeeeelllll / *cough* red swan is best op *cough* 

It takes a while for him to notice that she had been giving him some hardcore death glares as if to say, "You know, I can see you staring right at me, you better not make me come down there!" (¯―¯٥) she ready to throw some hands xD

He always sits in the exact same spot at the exact same time on the boat deck where he first saw Mikasa, always looking forward to seeing her again, and again.

Armin and Jean constantly make fun of him anytime he stares at her or whenever his head is in the clouds. They always wave their arms, snap their fingers in front of him, or even try to say a few things to catch his attention such as, "Yoooo, lover boy!", or "If you're lucky you'll probably get married someday...if she's into guys like you, that is." Forcing him to snap back to reality.

they both notice him start to blush, his face glowing in a deep crimson red starting at his cheeks to the tips of his ears, all while he's trying to cover his face up with his arm. we love our blushy boi ٩(♡ε♡ )۶

On the night when she almost jumps off the ship, Eren notices her sobbing loudly with tears falling down her face as she scampers past him - sensing that something is wrong, he immediately gets to her aid. Being very patient, he convinces her not to jump and to get back on the ship. He reaches his arms out and offers her to take his hand. She finally surrenders, and they exchange their names with reassuring smiles. "I'm Eren Jaeger", she then replies a bit hesitantly, "M-Mikasa Ackerman".

The next morning, Mikasa looks for him down in the 3rd class steerage (even though it’s forbidden, she still goes anyway), finally getting the chance to thank him for saving her life. As they're both getting to know each other, she utters out how trapped she feels. Staying inside a world she can't escape. Being forced into an arranged marriage simply for money, not having any dreams of her own, all of it makes her feel completely powerless, and makes him fill up with remorse, feeling sympathetic towards her situation.

she’s always been desperate to do something different and out of the norm, without ever having to be judged for it. She can’t help but feel jealous whenever he talks about his travels and the places he's seen. Although he was poor, he was free. That in itself was something she couldn't attain so easily.

There's actually a deleted scene in the movie that I really love, where Jack and Rose are singing a song called, "Come Josephine In My Flying Machine". I could definitely see the two of them singing this together as they walk around the boat deck, happily swaying side-by-side.

Once Eren finds the courage in himself to confess his true feelings towards her, Mikasa tells him that it’s impossible for her to keep seeing him. He keeps on telling her that she’s gonna die if she doesn’t break free and wants to help her live. But she turns him down.

It takes her a while, but Mikasa reconsiders her choice and decides that she should go with Eren in the end. She finds him at the bow of the ship with slumped shoulders, as his body leans against the railing, looking down at the waves below, having a look of hopelessness in his eyes. 

He turns around as she walks up to him, she lets out a sigh of relief and finally declares her decision,“...I’ve changed my mind...” Feeling as if the weight of the world had been lifted from his shoulders, Eren gives her a sweet radiant smile, grinning from ear-to-ear. 

He takes her hands into his own, asking her to close her eyes and to carefully step up to the railing, never letting go. When she finally opens them, she witnesses an ombré sky filled with hues of dark purples, light pinks, and bright yellows. It was the most beautiful sunset she had ever seen. With the wind flowing beneath their arms and holding on to each other’s bodies, their fingers interlock together as he brings their arms down, and wraps them around her waist. Both watching the sun go down the horizon...the very last sunset they’ll ever get to see...

Resting his head on her shoulder, their faces start inching closer and closer towards each other. Mikasa turns her head a little, looking deeply in to his green eyes, their lips just inches away from coming into contact. Making the first move, he leans in gently and softly presses his lips against hers; making her heart jump against her chest. She lets go of his hand and reaches for his face. She grasps the back of his head, caressing and curling his hair tenderly with her fingers - pulling him deeper and deeper. She continues to press him close to her face, making sure he never pulls away from her. *insert My Heart Will Go On here*    ( ;__; )♡

The next following days, Eren would probably send some cute love letters to her, but obviously in secret. He would sneak himself into 1st class and try not to get himself caught by any of the officers. They also would probably go on dates where they just talk about their dreams about riding on horseback and traveling across the ocean in an airplane, while lying under the stars.

On the night of the sinking, she promises herself that she won’t get off the ship without him. Leaving her family behind, she stays on the ship gripping on to Eren for dear life, all the way till the very end.

Once they’re in the cold waters of the Atlantic, they find a door frame floating nearby that had been broken off from the ship. They both try to get on it, but they make it sink into the water. Realizing that it’s not big enough for the both of them, he tells to get on it instead. Desperately waiting for a rescue boat to come and find them.

The cries of the people around them slowly die down, the temperature finally beginning to take its toll on Eren’s numb body, losing his consciousness little by little. Fighting to stay alive, he keeps on withstanding the pain of it all, just to keep his head above the water. 

Trembling from hypothermia, he holds on to Mikasa’s frail hands, both breathing heavily, she quietly murmurs, “I love you, Eren.” Hearing those words escape her chapped lips, he faces her - his voice shaking uncontrollably, “Don’t you do that...don’t you say your goodbyes - not yet, do you understand me? Listen to m-me, Mikasa - you’re gonna get outta here...you’re gonna go on, and have a life of your own, and...you’re gonna live long life - and you’re gonna watch your children grow. Winning that ticket was the best thing, that ever happened to me...it brought me to you. You must p-promise me, that you’ll survive. That you won’t give up...n-no matter what happens...no matter, how hopeless. Promise me now, Mikasa...and never let go of that promise.”

Several moments go by, she feels her body steadily shutting down, practically upon death’s door, lying ever so still above the frozen waters. She notices a faint golden light flashing up and down out of the corner of her eye. She tries to shake Eren awake and tell him that there’s a boat floating nearby, but, no matter how hard she tried, his eyes remained shut tight, as ice slowly formed on top of his lashes. Mikasa freezes instantly...she can feel her heart sink in her chest, a sense of dread starts to crawl up her body...beginning to fear the worst, she rapidly grabs his arms and presses her fingers down and searches for his pulse. But alas, the only thing she could find was the sound of her own dying breath. 

When the truth settles in on her, she tries to yell at the lifeboat to come back, but the cold made her voice sound so fragile and hoarse, there was no way that they could ever hear her, let alone grab it’s full attention. Her mouth quivers as tears flow down to her lips, her voice starts to crack as she cries out in desperation. She lays her head down atop his hands, wanting to stay by his side and cry herself to sleep. 

Almost accepting defeat, she remembers the promise that she swore to him. The promise for her to keep on living. To live a life just the way her and Eren had always pictured in their minds. A life where they could do anything they wanted to their full heart’s content.

Mikasa refuses to give up hope and to let him die in vain. She kisses his hands lovingly, before finally letting him go. Her vision starts to blur more and more from her tears as she watches the ocean drag him further down in to the dark abyss. She slides herself off the door frame, falling in to the freezing water. Beating against the cold waves that try to engulf her, she snatches a whistle that had belonged to an officer of the ship, his body frozen in place. Placing the whistle between her lips, a high pitched sound pierces through the still, quiet night. Whistling louder and louder as she tries to grab the attention of the lifeboat.

Mikasa’s eyes flutter open and finds herself wrapped in all sorts of frayed and warm blankets. All the remaining survivors in the lifeboats head towards a nearby ship called, Carpathia. The ship would follow in the same route that the Titanic was also suppose to go, finishing it’s course as it arrives in New York. 

Day turns to night while the clouds turn to a dark grey. She remains unbothered as the rain falls down on top of her, reminiscing about her past while glancing up towards the symbol of freedom; standing tall and proud.

A steward of the ship calmly approaches her, holding a clipboard and pencil on one hand and holding his umbrella on the other, as he had been writing down all the names of the surviving passengers.

He politely asks her, “Can I take you name please, love?" She moves her head down and faces him, replying without hesitation, she says her name. “Jaeger...Mikasa Jaeger.”

(here's a little bonus eremika edit ♡)

[r3b3lgrrrrrrrl]

A LunaTic and her Gunn (Part 17)

"Love, sex, fights & international flights"

After Luna and Colson pull into Ashley's driveway, he shuts off the engine. The car ride wasn't much different from any other so this concerns Luna. She turns to him. "You feel alright?" She asks. This makes him smile as he lights a joint.

"I didn't wanna say anything in front of the guys..." He begins, hitting the joint long and hard. "Probably because it didn't really sink in yet and because you had such control but you scared the fuck outta me tonight, Loons." He says, looking at her while passing her the joint.

As she hits it she asks why.

"When those 2 dudes stood up, we all jumped up because it was about to be on. But, like I said." He takes the joint from her. Inhaling and exhaling deeply. "You controlled that situation, like a sexy Boss Ass Bitch, but...." He looks at her with concerned eyes "I don't know what I would've done if one of them had touched you before I could get to you." He hits the joint again before passing it to her.

Luna's silent. It makes Colson nervous.

"Look, I don't even know what I'm trying to say, because I love you for exactly who you are. But, it made me realize that I don't know what I'd do if ANYTHING happened to you, Kitten."

She hits the joint slowly before speaking. "I get where you're coming from. Buuuut..." She says with a soft smile lifting her right arm towards him, forearm side up. Trying to make light of the conversation, she asks "Do you know why I have this?" Pointing to the tattoo of a cockroach that she has just above the words 'Don't look back in anger, Live like it's the style." right above the crook of her elbow.

He can't help but chuckle "No, but I have wondered." Taking the joint.

"Shoulda asked." She smiles up at him. "It's a reminder, that there are 2 things in this motherfucking world you can't kill. Cockroaches and Luna Smith." He laughs out loudly to her pleasure. She continues "I am who I am, Bunny. I have no fear, am violent as fuck and fiercely loyal." She says, blue eyes burning into his soul, with a shrug. She then says to him sincerely. "I'm am sorry I scared you. I knew I had it though. I've been living my life for a long time. If I hadn't KNOWN that I could handle it myself, I'd have brought you or Benny with me, like I did at the strip club.... I don't know if that makes you feel any better..." She finishes.

He sighs. "It does... And I know you have. And I know why. AND I really can't say shit because I would've acted the same way too, no questions asked. It's just, I'm a 6'4 dude and you're..."

She interrupts him. "Careful what you say next, Bunny." With a knowing eye and cocked smile.

He gives her a side eye. "You know what I'm trying to say." Pulling on the joint.

"I do." She says getting serious. "And I love you for it. But....." She trails off. Taking the joint from him.

"Just....." He interrupts her "I don't even know, I just..... I know I can't lose you."

His words soften her eyes, making her put out the joint and climb across the seat so that she can straddle him. Wiggling in, so that his cock rest between her legs, against her pussy. Where it belongs. She looks deep into his eyes before kissing him firmly, pushing her hips down, pulling him by his shoulders towards her. "Only YOU can make you lose me." She lifts her arm "Cockroach, remember?" She says with a huge grin.

"YOU are a fucking idiot." He laughs pulling her in for a kiss.

"Your idiot." She replies, pulling away laughing at their joke, for only a moment, before easily submitting.

Their kiss is passionate. Creating a roaring fire between them. She feels his dick grow larger against her pussy. "Yeah, you are." He says as she leans back against the steering wheel, beaming as she moves her hips against him to the beat of the music on the radio.

"Unh Hunh." She says as he pulls her back into his mouth. They kiss heavily, she lifts up, unbuckling him, he helps her slide his pants down. His dick is raging. A simple peice of cotton separating them. He slides inside of her as she lifts up high enough for his large cock to enter her.

She still has to take him in slowly, he's so big. Shifting her hips, swirling her pussy around his dick, "Colllllllllson...." she moans loudly, feeling him fully fill her. They start off slowly but as always passion and need take over. It's not long before she's propped up against the steering wheel, riding him like an experienced jockey at the most famous derby. He slides the straps of her dress down, exposing her full breast. His hands grip them. Thumbs playing with her piercings. The view of her naked upper body splayed in front of him makes him harder. She can feel him grow, sending bolts of electricity through her. This kicks her into overdrive. She lifts off the steering wheel, causing him to groan in pleasure in her shift. Hearing his groan tickle her ears, she grabs the top of his hair and bucks against him like a Texan owning their first rodeo. Feeling him deep and hard inside of her, it doesn't take much for her to see stars.

Just as he cries out "KITTTEN!!!!" in sheer pleasure, her walls grip his thick cock. Throwing her head back, shoving her breast in his face, they cum together.

'FUUUUCKKKKKK......" Colson says.

"Mmmmmm.." She purrs into his neck still grinding her hips slightly. They sit together in pleasure.

He lifts her up from his chest. "No double standards." He looks into her eyes. "Just bring me. You have a man for a reason."

"Fucking SERIOUSLY??? She's in mental disbelief. Trying not to explode.

Fighting her urge to argue the sexism of his last statement, she shrugs "Always bring your Bitch. You gotta a Bitch for a reason." She says with a cocky look and shrug.

"You're such a fucking asshole." He laughs kissing her hard on the mouth.

"Yeah, but a Right Asshole." Her head snakes before pushing her mouth back onto his.

They tease each other a bit more before she slides him out of her and herself back to the passenger seat. He promises to hit her up once he's home so she knows he's safe. She asks how long Casie is in town. He tells her she's on SpringBreak, that he'll take her home Saturday. They kiss a thousand more times before she finally slides out with a goodnight kiss.

-------------------------------------------------

"He's so fucking different...." She thinks happily walking inside.

-------------------------------------------------

"FUCK. She don't need me. She just wants ME. Nobody JUST wants me. Not without SOME-fucking-thing. Fuck, she doesn't even need me to protect her. Or want it..... I'll fucking kill somebody though...... Fuck. I can't believe she did that tonight...." A million thoughts race through Colson's mind after he watches Luna enter the house.

-------------------------------------------------

Inside Luna is greeted by a happy Jagger. Petting him she calls out "Heeeeeyyy!!"

"I'm upstairs, grab us beers and come up!!" Ashley shouts. Luna obliges. Upon entering Ashley's bedroom she sees destruction. Ashley comes bouncing out of the bathroom. "Hey!" She says excitedly "Guess where I'm going...." Before Luna can answer she screams "SEOUL!!!!!!" Jumping onto her bed. "Remember that over seas project I was working on....." Before Luna can answer again, she continues "It's finished... You know what that means!!!!" She's jumping on the bed "FREE FUCKING TRIP!!!!!!!!"

Luna laughs. Ashley is her ABSOLUTE bestfriend in the WHOLE fucking world. "Soooooo......" She says with a grin.

"So pack your fucking bags, Bitch, because we going to Seoul!!!"

Luna laughs happily, lighting a joint before she heads to pack and call Colson.

-------------------------------------------------

"We're gonna miss you." Colson says as they try to work out Casie's spring break and the 2, 12 hour flights Luna needs to embark on to go and return. It's not gonna work. She won't get back until at least Sunday, they think, while Casie goes home Saturday.

"I feel like an asshole." Luna says.

"Why?" He asks.

"I haven't spoken to her. I don't know if she wanted to see me again before she heads home." Emma's words about disappointing the little girl lingering with her.

"You didn't make any promises to break, Kitten." Colson reassures her.

"Still...." She sighs. "Would it be wild if you made sure to FaceTime me tomorrow so I can talk to her?"

"No." He laughs. "That's actually great." He says giving her a small comfort.

They talk a bit more as Luna packs. Acknowledging that in the 6 days they've been together, that they're about to spend the next 5 apart. "I'll miss you." Luna says sadly.

"But you'll come home to me." He feels the same but tries to reassure her. "And Casie has a whole lifetime with you." He finishes, making her heart throb.

They exchange love and he promises to FaceTime her with Casie before she boards as they hang up.

"FUUCK. I'm missing her springbreak. We should be doing fun things if she's here....." Luna thinks. "Uuuugh. And 5 days without Buuuunny." She whines to herself.

********************************************

"Damn........ I'm gonna fucking miss her." He thinks sadly about Luna leaving.

-------------------------------------------------

The morning is INSANE. Although they had packed the night before, Luna is not a morning person. Ashley is up and raring to go while Luna is still trying to open her eyes. Years have turned them into a well oiled machine. Having a system for gettting themselves dressed, burnt and functional. Ashley handles coffee as Luna procures the bud. Getting dressed and high before an intentional flight together as bestfriends do. "You got any edibles?" Ashley asks as their uber pulls up.

Luna pulls a bag of gummies from her pocket. "For the ride!" She grins at Ashley as they head out the door.

------------------------------------------------

"What do you want to do today? An excited Casie asks Luna on FaceTime. Her heart sinks as she explains that she's at the airport.

"You're leaving?" Are the first words a disappointed Casie utters next. Breaking Luna's heart even more.

"I'll be back, just not before spring break..." Luna hates putting on a fake face. Making her even more pissed that Casie's father didn't tell her. "You're gonna hang out with your dad and have TONS of fun!!" Luna tries to reassure her.

"I will." Casi says, matter of fact. "I'll still miss you though." She says, making Luna second guess herself immediately.

"I already miss you TONS, Sugar!!! But, I'll see you soon." She reassures the little girl.

"Ok..." Casie says. "Here's Daddy!" She passes the phone to Colson.

"Hey Kitten..." He starts

"Is she outta the room?" Luna sternly asks.

Colson looks around confused "Yeah...?"

"You didn't fucking tell her? She thought she was seeing me today??" Luna snaps on Colson. Glaring at him through the screen.

He's silent. Shocked.

"You're a fucking ASSHOLE!!!" She says with venom before banging on him.

-------------------------------------------------

Luna and Ashley settle in for a long flight. They talk about Luna's discontent with Colson regarding Casie, laugh a lot as friends do, talk shit on the other passengers and eat while enjoying in flight libations. Both high as fuck. They sleep a bit before waking to catch the sight of the beautiful city overhead they're landing in.

------------------------------------------------

"I can't fucking believe him...." Luna is still fuming. Thinking about Casie's disappointment.

-------------------------------------------------

To be continued.......

[hjazysol]

@hopeaterart

Sasori: They've been gone for quite some time now huh?

Tsubaki: Should we go check on them?

Kaabi: Yeah. (Gets a phone call, they answer it) Hey Susie what's up?....What do uou mean Magolor pulled a demon out of Marx's body!?....."HE JUST DID" IS NOT AN ANSWER! Can't you handle it!?....Urgh! Fine. You better hope to god nothing bad happens to these guys when I head over there! (Hangs up) I'll be back. Warp Star!

Kaabi's bike swerved round the corner from the voice of it's rider. Kaabi then hopped on then rode off to Star Allies HQ.

Sasori: Welp. It's just me and you then.

Tsubaki: Right let's go.

Kikotsu, stepping out completely fine: There is no need she didn't end up being there which is why we are going to back.

Sasori: Really? Then shouldn't we investigate?

Kikotsu: Dedede's got it covered or rather. He'll get to it eventually. Soooo! We will just turn ourselves around. And head back til we get Dedede's info yeah?

Tsubaki: You make a valid point I guess. Let's go.

Tsubaki & Sasori turned their backs to "Kikotsu" he grinned. He then proceeded to immediately inject the two with the same serum Okashi used on Dedede & himself.

Sasori: ACK! WH-WHAT?

Kikotsu: What's the matter?

Tsubaki: What did you just stab us with!?

Kikotsu: HAHAHAHAHAHA! (Shifts body to Okashi)

Okashi: SURPRISE!

Sasori: You!? How'd you even make your head look on fire!?

Okashi: Simple I just waved my hair about with my Quirk to make the illusion of flames & a heck ton of hair dye!

Sasori: Gah! Fine then! Let's see how you like it! (Directs the stinger helmet into Okashi's arm, but nothing happened) ... ...What? Wh-...Where's my hair's poison gone?

Tsubaki: What!? Shouldn't it always be there?

Sasori: It's....Not there!

Tsubaki: Step back I've got this then!

Okashi: Look at you trying to play hero. (Steps forward)

Tsubaki: You take one more step and you'll be helpless!

Okashi, continues walking: Well I can't exactly beat the shit out of you two without getting closer. Heheh!

Tsubaki: Then I'll stop you! Myself! (Attempts paralyzing Okashi. Nothing happened) Erm... ...Let's try this instead. (Pulls out a rib cage from her bag and attempts to change it into a weapon. Nothing happened.) ...What!?

Okashi: Your next line will be "You bastard what'd you do to us?" To you!

Sasori & Tsubaki: You bastard what'd you do to us!? HUH!?

Okashi, now suddenly right infront of them: I hope you like rush attacks!

Sasori: We can't avoid this! Brace yourself!

Tsubaki: Crap!

Okashi, punching rapidly all around: AAAAAATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATA! ATA! ATA! (Delivering one final hit) AAAAAAATAAAA!

Sasori & Tsubaki were sent flying pummeled by the barrage of punches sent at them.

Sasori: Arggh.... ...Tsu?

Tsubaki: Urgh?

Sasori: I feel like hell.

Tsubaki: Well at least we aren't dead.

Okashi: HAHA! FOOLS! Omae Wa Mou Shinderu!

Sasori: NANI!? ARE YOU GONNA MAKE OUR HEADS EXPLODE!?

Okashi: What!? No! Just consider this a friendly warning. Don't you even think about getting in my way! I'm just trying to make you all see what you all didn't think was up to snuff in your world. It seems you still think the same.... ....But say. How about you four all expierience what I did 7 years ago huh!?!

Okashi then threw Sasori & Tsubaki into the HCL then closed off the exit.

Okashi: Score!

Q-Boy: Big sis! Why'd you do that to Tsubaki & Sasori?

Okashi: Listen little bro. As much as I know you wanna be friends with those people, they're just getting in big sis' way! They're trying to hurt me for just wanting to be free. They don't think I'm good enough for the world. That's the reason the mad doctor kept me sealed from society for 7 whole years! But it doesn't matter. Now that you're here! We can show these useless defects what for! So for me I'm gonna have to ask that when you see whoever you think is your ally. Beat the crap outta 'em!

Q-Boy: ... ... ...Ok! ^^

Okashi: Right! Let's get going! Hold my hand.

Q-Boy & Okashi then walked away to somewhere. Kaabi then returned a few hours later with an angry expression.

Kaabi: Ok I'm back the guys back at HQ are trying to act like...They didn't...Call me. What happened to the entrance. Let's move this aside. (Lifts up the debris blocking the entrance then heads inside) Guys? Are you all ok? Where is everyone you all disappeared.

Sasori: We're on the floor.

Kaabi: OH MY GOD! What happened to you guys? You like a shipwreck!

Sasori: You can say "shit" you know you're a hero.

Kaabi: I'm sorry but as a small cute baby. I'm legally not allowed to swear....What happened to Kikotsu?

Sasori: Well you see all our Quirks have been erased.

Kaabi: Erased?

Sasori: Yep. (Holds up the syringe Okashi used on them) This stuff shut off our Quirks. Only she knows how to make an antidote.

Kaabi: Hmm... ...Come on guys! I know just the right person who can at least analyse this stuff. Let's go!

King Dedede: I would come but I can't move. I feel fat without my Quirk.

Sasori: (Sigh) I'll carry him.

Tsubaki: I'll just put Kenji in my bag then I guess.

________

-Later-

Mikhail: Right. So you say that you all got injected with a Quirk nullifying liquid?

Sasori: Correct.

Mikhail: Do you have anything I can work with?

Kaabi: Well they couldn't get it into Kenji's bloodstream since. The obvious reason. So there's just liquid sloshing around his skull.

Mikhail: Ok. So where is his skull as of now.

Tsubaki: Oh here you go. (Passes the skull)

Mikhail: Perfect. So now I will extract this liquid from inside him. He might revert back to living if I remove it. So. (Mikhail removed the liquid from within Kikotsu's head) Let's see what that did.

Nothing happened.

King Dedede: Hey why didn't anything happen?

Mikhail: Hmm. Interesting. It is most likely that the cellular network of this liquid has connected with that of which are present within Kikotsu's skull.

King Dedede: Can it be reversed then?

Mikhail: Well I'll have to analyse everything first til I can determine whether I can make an antidote. If not however then you'll have to do your best to persuade this Okashi to give you it.

________

Back at the shopping centre.

Midoriya: Well it seems everything is better for now.

Iida: Right. This is much more tame. But it is our number one priority to make sure Honoka is safe.

Honoka: Guys. I know you want to keep me safe and all but...

Honoka, inside a massive bubble ball: Is this really neccesary. I mean who even thought this up?!

Kaminari: You'll thank me later.

Suddenly, Kaminari bumped into a large hairy figure.

Beowulf, barely smiling: Oh my apologies. Huh? It would seem. Your entire class is here. Good afternoon U.A. how are you?

They all stare at Beowulf suspiciously.

Beowulf, in his head: Hrngh! Did I say something wrong? Let's just get straight to the point their beedy eyes are piercing through me. (Looks at Ojiro & Tokoyami) Especially those two.

Beowulf: Sorry to bother you all but would you happen to have seen this small child? (Shows them a picture of Q-Boy)

They stare with even more suspicion.

Beowulf, in his head: What the hell is up with these kids!? Do they think I'm a villain? What is it?! My beautiful smile? (Isn't even smiling) Pfft. Talk about judging a book by it's cover.

Beowulf: Hmm. I'll take that as a no. I'll be on my way then.

Beowulf left the area.

Midoriya: Yaoyorozu? Did you make it?

Yaoyorozu: Yes.

Tokoyami: And Dark Shadow has placed it on him.

Iida: Then now?

Midoriya: Now we'll track him.

________

Okashi: So let's see then if I've done everything correctly then. Pretend to be Kaabi's secretary so I could label all the attacking heroes' as Quirkless. Check. Take back my Baby brother. Check. Make the molecular structure of my Quirk nullifyer too complex for even the greatest of scientists to solve. Check. Now then! All that's left is murder my little sister Honoka! This is gonna be one hell of a show! Ain't nothin gonna hold me back!

[staygoldponebone]

Pairing: Reader x Curly

Summary: Just the reader not being able to see Curly as much as needed. Kinda fluffy, I guess.

A/N: This is my first story...Sorry that it's so long.

"Meet me at the Dingo tonight at 7," Curly said, lighting a cigarette.

"For what?" You reply, looking at yourself in the mirror and touching up your makeup.

"A date." His voice seemed flat and tired. You went over to him and smiled. He pulled you into his lap and you grabbed his cigarette, taking a drag.

"You're gonna take me on a date?" You question, resting your arm behind him, on the back of the couch. It was kinda crazy to you. Curly hadn't taken you on a real date since the two of you first started going out.

"Sure." He shrugged.

Tim walked into the room and stopped in his tracks. Curly patted your legs: your cue to leave. From outside, you could hear them bickering. You decided it was best to just go home. On the walk, you thought of Curly's siblings.

Tim was always mad at something Curly did. One day, you tried to tell Curly it was because he loved him. He scoffed. You remembered. He told you never to say lies like that again. The whole ordeal broke your heart.

You thought of Angela, Curly's sister. You guys had gym class together and she seemed nice. You two ended up in detention once for talking instead of running. It was a pretty good day. It was the day Ang started dating Bryon Douglas. Thinking about it made you laugh.

Once you reached home, you realized that the car was gone. Meaning no one was there, obviously. You decided to take a walk to the park and back. It'll kill time. You thought.

At the park, the little kids were loud. There were so many of them and none of them seemed to notice a random teenager at the little kids' park. You were glad. When you were content with your little hike, you headed back home. You saw the car in the driveway and sighed with relief. When you opened the door, your brother shot a glare your way.

"Mom! Y/n was at her boyfriend's again!" He screamed.

"Would you shut up?!" You reply.

"Make me!"

You kicked him in the shin.

"Mom!"

Your mom came down the stairs slowly. She didn't seem to notice your big brother in pain.

"Will you two please be a little quieter?" She requested. "Your father's sleeping."

You nod as your brother dramatically fell to the floor.

You rolled your eyes, going up to your room. It was dirty and in need of cleaning.

You went over to your bed and laid down, thinking. Of Curly.

The wrinkles by his eyes when he laughed or smiled.

The way his nose would scrunch up when you talked about your brother.

The scar he had on his neck, that you liked to trace.

The way his eyes got big and intense when he would tell you about a certain car, or a fight he got in earlier that day, or even aliens.

The way his cold hands fit so comfortably in yours.

His voice.

His hair.

The way he moved with purpose.

Everthing. All things Curly Shepard.

It made you smile and you could do it hours at a time, not even realizing it had been hours. You did it often. Maybe too often. He seemed so close to you, yet miles and miles away.

A knock at your door broke into your thoughts.

"Come in!"

Your mom opened the door slightly.

"There's a phone call for you," she states.

You nodded, getting up and going downstairs to the phone in the kitchen.

It was Curly.

"Change of plans," he panted.

"What?" You reply, wrapping the phone cord around your finger.

"Tim and I got into another fight. I don't wanna go out angry..."

You sighed. "You can still come and see me, though, right?"

You chewed your bottom lip. You knew that when him and Tim fought it always resulted in some sort of wound. When you saw him like that, it made you nervous.

"I don't know. Maybe." He kept clearing his throat and coughing.

You squeezed your eyes shut. Not maybe.

"Ok..." You tell him.

"Ok." He replied. "Bye."

"See ya."

The call ended, then you found yourself back in your room.

You went back to thinking of Curly.

The way he looked when he was upset.

The way he gritted his teeth and narrowed his eyes when he wanted to let off some steam.

The way he sat quiet with you after Tim would yell at him. You wanted to cry. You didn't know why, but you did. You wanted to go on cute dates with Curly Shepard. You wanted him to kiss you and hold your hand in public. You like showing him off as much as he likes showing you off.

You snapped outta your thoughts when you got hungry. The sky was dark and the house was empty. You guessed that everyone was gone. You ate a PB&J, then headed in the direction of Curly's house. It was raining and your hair was getting all tangled and ruined. Angela and Bryon were the only ones at the house.

"Where's Curly?" You ask, shaking from the cold wind that nipped at your already soaking body.

"He's with Tim," she explained, looking at your bare arms. "Do you wanna come in?"

"No, I wanna find Curly."

She knitted her eyebrows together. "I can't remember where they said they were going. I'm sorry." You shook your head, then walked towards the park. You didn't know why. Maybe I'd bump into him at the park and he'd hang out with me until morning. You rolled your eyes at the scenario that could never be. You couldn't remember what happened next except that you tripped on something and bumped your head on something hard.

-

-

-

His touch was gentle. He was careful, holding you like you would break. The warmth from his body felt nice. You felt safe in his arms. Protected. His warm breath on your neck made your heart beat like the sound of hooves from a thousand frantic horses. His voice made you ache all over. It was rough like gravel, yet smooth like butter all at the same time. You loved it. It made you crazy.

You and Curly were laying in your bed.

"What happened?!" You ask frantically.

"You got hurt at the park," Curly said calmly.

"What?" You turned to him, your faces were so close.

He sighed. "It's ok," he tells you. "Don't cry."

"I'm not--" You felt a warm sensation on your cheeks, then sighed. Curly wipes off your tears, then kissed your hair. You sat in a comfortable silence for a few long minutes.

"Well, it's getting pretty late...Maybe I should go," he whispered. No, you thought, not yet. You rubbed your thumbs across his bruised knuckles, praying it'd make him forget the time.

He smiled down at you, his bangs falling over his eyes.

"I oughtta go, y/n. What if your family shows up?"

You moved his bangs, kissing his forehead. His hair was soft and smelled like strawberries and rainwater.

"Who cares?" You asked, eyes wide with that extra sparkle he adored.

He grinned at you. It made you melt. He's everything to me, you thought. Everything I ever wanted. He leaned his forehead against yours, then- ever so gently- placed a kiss on your cheek.

"I don't want your folks mad," he stated with a smirk.

"Since when did you care how my folks felt about you?" You ask, curiosity drenching every word.

"I-"

"Since when did you care how anyone felt about you?"

"I don't care if they're mad at me. I don't want them mad at you."

"Oh.." Your cheeks were warm.

It still surprised you every time Curly Shepard talked like that. It was almost hard to believe that the hood even thought like that, let alone talked like that.

He cared about me, you thought. Being together for almost a year, but never really being together, he tried to bring out the softness in himself as much as possible.

"I'll call you later, ok?" he said. You nodded, then he rolled outta your bed and went to your window.

"Hey," you said lowly. He turned to you, the light from outside hitting his face.

"I love you."

He furrowed his brow, then made his way back over to you. He crouched down beside your bed, cupping your face carefully in his hands. He just stared at you. The sparkle in your eyes made him soften. Those beautiful eyes lit up the room, brighter than any star Curly had ever seen. He brought his hand to your hair, feeling the wet tangles the rain gave you. The look in his eyes was consistent, then the corners of his lips turned up.

In the most quiet voice he could muster, he turned to you and said "I love you too."

[starsaver94]

Star X Taka headcanons!

I'm not feeling my best either, but I hope these cheer you up, hun! And sorry I kinda refer to you in the third person, I hope it's not weird, dear <3

This is practically a given: Study dates!

Taka loves to just stay at home and just study with you. But, if you insist, he'll watch movies or read with/to you

He's a big cuddler and really just wants you on his lap. Kiss his cheek, he'll just die outta happiness on the spot/jk

Really, just doing an activity at home (maybe cooking, since Taka wants to learn for you) is enough for him!

Idk why, I feel like you two would love to do chores together. Taka would make sure Star does her work, but she'll giggle and tease him by trying to make it into a little 'game'

Taka also loves to give Star flowers! Especially yellow lilies cause they look like stars ;)

Speaking of, your name is Star, right? Taka's go-to nicknames are sweetheart, honey, and My Star :)

Star drags Taka to the amusement park, or even just the regular park, so he can get some fresh air from overworking himself to the bone

Taka has been trying to use his 'inside voice' more often for you, but of course, he's not perfect

But if you EVER flinch because of his yelling, he'll just cry and apologize furiously

Poor baby doesn't want to hurt you, he's a softie!

I feel like Taka would drag Star to lectures or public speeches about politics. He would be so invested, but Star would just sit next to him and nod her head, not understanding a word they're saying

He's a closest simp, I'm sorry! His family is a middle class family, but he does like to spend his money on gifts, or little things, that remind Star of him. Mostly star or galaxy themed stuff <3

Star also introduces him to anime, and Taka gets OBSESSED with it as well!

Star also teases Taka about that six pack he hides underneath his uniform, usually when she's......in the mood. Taka gets to flustered, and just stutters, making Star chuckle but get a light scolding for being inappropriate/(affectionate)

Hear me out: Mondo gave you two a dog of your own!

Taka loves it cause he thinks it'll be good practice when you guys get married in the future

Yep, your relationship is gonna last a long, long time :)

Possibly forever

Thank you sis! This was really sweet and fluffy, I loved it! 😊

I hope you feel better soon.

(And don’t worry, the third person writing wasn’t weird at all.)

[demon-sneeze]

So guys...

I haven’t been totally honest with y’all... I have a lot to say and I’m sorry its taken me this long to say it.

{Man} Once upon a time there was a lovely princess. But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort which could only be broken by love's first kiss. She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire-breathing dragon. Many brave knigts had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison, but non prevailed. She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest tower for her true love and true love's first kiss. {Laughing} Like that's ever gonna happen. {Paper Rusting, Toilet Flushes} What a load of - Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll me I ain't the sharpest tool in the shed She was lookin' kind of dumb with her finger and her thumb In the shape of an "L" on her forehead The years start comin' and they don't stop comin' Fed to the rules and hit the ground runnin' Didn't make sense not to live for fun Your brain gets smart but your head gets dumb So much to do so much to see So what's wrong with takin' the backstreets You'll never know if you don't go You'll never shine if you don't glow Hey, now You're an all-star Get your game on, go play Hey, now You're a rock star Get the show on, get paid And all that glitters is gold Only shootin' stars break the mold It's a cool place and they say it gets colder You're bundled up now but wait till you get older But the meteor men beg to differ Judging by the hole in the satellite picture The ice we skate is gettin' pretty thin The water's getting warm so you might as well swim My world's on fire How 'bout yours That's the way I like it and I'll never get bored Hey, now, you're an all-star {Shouting} Get your game on, go play Hey, now You're a rock star Get the show on, get paid And all that glitters is gold Only shootin' stars break the mold {Belches} Go! Go! {Record Scratching} Go. Go.Go. Hey, now, you're an all-star Get your game on, go play Hey, now You're a rock star Get the show on, get paid And all that glitters is gold Only shootin' stars break the mold -Think it's in there? -All right. Let's get it! -Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that thing can do to you? -Yeah, it'll grind your bones for it's bread. {Laughs} -Yes, well, actually, that would be a gaint. Now, ogres - - They're much worse. They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin. -No! -They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the jelly from your eyes! Actually, it's quite good on toast. -Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya! {Gasping} -Right. {Roaring} {Shouting} {Roaring} {Whispers} This is the part where you run away. {Gasping} {Laughs} {Laughing} And stay out! "Wanted. Fairy tale creatures." {Sighs} {Man's voice} All right. This one's full. -Take it away! {Gasps} -Move it along. Come on! Get up! -Next! -Give me that! Your fiying days are over. That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next! -Get up! Come on! -Twenty pieces. {Thudding} -Sit down there! -Keep quiet! {Crying} -This cage is too small. -Please, don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again. I can change. Please! Give me another chance! -Oh, shut up. -Oh! -Next! -What have you got? -This little wooden puppet. -I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy. -Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away. -Father, please! Don't let them do this! -Help me! -Next! What have you got? -Well, I've got a talking donkey. {Grunts} -Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings, if you can prove it. -Oh, go ahead, little fella. -Well? -Oh, oh, he's just - - He's just a little nervous. He's really quite a chatterbox. Talk, you boneheaded dolt - - -That's it. I've heard enough. Guards! -No, no, he talks! He does. I can talk. I love to talk. I'm the talkingest damn thing you ever saw. -Get her out of my sight. -No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk! {Gasps} -Hey! I can fly! -He can fly! -He can fly! -He can talk! -Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey. You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly but I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha! Oh-oh. {Grunts} -Seize him! -After him! He's getting away! {Grunts, Gasps} {Man} -Get him! This way! Turn! -You there. Orge! -Aye? -By the order of Lord Farquaad I am authorized to place you both under arrest and transport you to a designated..... resettlement facility. -Oh, really? You and what army? {Gasps, Whimpering} {Chuckles} -Can I say something to you? -Listen, you was really, really, really somethin' back here. Incredible! Are you talkin' to - - me? Whoa! -Yes. I was talkin' to you. Can I tell you that you that you was great back here? Those guards! They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up, and bam! They was trippin' over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made me feel good to see that. -Oh, that's great. Really. -Man, it's good to be free. -Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends? Hmm? -But, uh, I don't have any friends. And I'm not goin' out there by myself. Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll stick with you. You're mean, green, fightin' machine. Together we'll scare the spit out of anybody that crosses us. {Roaring} -Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you don't mind me sayin', if that don't work, your breath certainly will get the job done, 'cause you definitely need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause you breath stinks! You almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time - - {Mumbling} Than I ate some rotten berries. I had strong gases eking out of my butt that day. -Why are you following me? -I'll tell you why. 'Cause I'm all alone There's no one here beside me My promlems have all gone There's no one to deride me But you gotta heve friends - - -Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't have any friends. -Wow. Only a true friend would be that cruelly honest. -Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me. What am I? -Uh - - Really tall? -No! I'm an orge! You know. "Grab your torch and pitchforks." Doesn't that bother you? -Nope. -Really? -Really, really. -Oh. -Man, I like you. What's you name? -Uh, Shrek. -Shrek? Well, you know what I like about you, Shrek? You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me thing. I like that. I respect that, Shrek. You all right. Whoo! Look at that. Who'd want to live in place like that? -That would be my home. -Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful. You know you are quite a decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder. -I guess you don't entertain much, do you? -I like my privacy. -You know, I do too. That's another thing we have in common. Like I hate it when you got somebody in your face. You've trying to give them a hint, and they won't leave. There's that awkward silence. -Can I stay with you? -Uh, what? -Can I stay with you, please? -Of course! -Really? -No. -Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to be considered a freak. Well, maybe you do. But that's why we gotta stick together. You gotta let me stay! Please! Please! -Okay! Okay! But one night only. -Ah! Thank you! -What are you - - No! No! -This is gonna be fun! We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories, and in the mornin' I'm makin' waffles. -Oh! -Where do, uh, I sleep? -Outside! -Oh, well. I guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you, and you don't know me, so I guess outside is best, you know. {Sniffles} -Here I go. -Good night. {Sighs} -I mean, I do like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was born outside. I'll just be sitting by myself outside, I guess, you know. By myself, outside. I'm all alone There's no one here beside me {Bubbling} {Sighs} {Creaking} {Sighs} -I thought I told you to stay outside. -I'm outside. {Clattering} -Well, gents, it's a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we have? -It's not home, but it'll do just fune. -What a lovely bed. -Got ya. {Sniffs} I found some cheese. -Ow! {Grunts} -Blah! Awful stuff. -Is that you, Gorder? -How did you know? -Enough! What are you doing in my house? {Grunts} -Hey! {Snickers} -Oh, no, no, no. Dead broad off the table. -Where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken. -Huh? {Gusps} {Male voice} What? -I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm a terrifying orge! What do I have to do get a little privacy? -Aah! -Oh, no. No! No! {Cackling} -What? -Quit it. -Don't push. {Squeaking} {Lows} - What are you doing in my swamp? {Echoing} Swamp! Swamp! Swamp! {Gasping} -Oh, dear! -Whoa! -All right, get out of here. All of you, move it! Come on! Let's go! Hapaya! Hapaya! Hey! -Quickly. Come on! -No, no! No, no. Not there. Not there. -Oh! {Sighs} -Hey, don't look at me. I didn't invite them. -Oh, gosh, no one invited us. -What? -We were forced to come here. -By who? -Lord Farquaad. -He huffed und he puffed und he...... signed an eviction notice. {Sighs} -All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is? {Murmuring} -Oh, I do. I know where he is. -Does anyone else know where to find him? Anyone at all? -Me! Me! -Anyone? -Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know! Me, me! {Sighs} -Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy tale things. Do not get comfortable. Your welcome is officially worn out. In fact, I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad right now and get you all off my land and back where you came from! {Cheering} {Twittering} -Oh! You! You're comin' with me. - All right, that's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two stalwart friends, off on a whirlwind big-city adventure. I love it! -On the road again. Sing it with me, Shrek. -Hey. Oh, oh! -I can't wait to get on the road again. -What did I say about singing? -Can I whistle? -No. -Can I hum it? -All right, hum it. {Humming} {Grunts} {Whimpering} -That's enough. He's ready to talk. {Coughing} {Laughing} {Clears throat} -Run, run, run, as fust as you can. You can't catch me. I'm the gingerbread man! -You are a monster. -I'm not the monster here. You are. You and the rest of that fairy tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell me! Where are the others? -Eat me!{Grunts} -I've tried to be fair to you creatures. Now my patience has reached its end! Tell me or I'll - - -No, no, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop buttons. -All right then. Who's hiding them? -Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the muffin man? -The muffin man? -The muffin man. -Yes, I know the muffin man, who lives on Drury Lane? -Well, she's married to the muffin man. -The muffin man? -The muffin man! -She's married to the muffin man. {Door opens} -My lord! We found it. -Then what are you waiting for? Bring it in. {Man grunting} {Gasping} -Oh! -Magic mirror - - -Don't tell him anything! -No! {Ginerbread man whispers} -Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall. Is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all? -Well, technically you're not a king. -Uh, Thelonius. -You were saying? -What I mean is, you're not a king yet. But you can become one.  All you have to do is marry a princess. -Go on. {Chuckles} -So, just sit back and relax, my lord, because it's time for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are! Bachelorette number one is a mentally abused shut-in from a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for her two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella. -Bachelorette number two is a cape-wearing girl from the land of fancy. Although she lives with seven other men, she's not easy. Just kiss her dead, frozen lips and find out what a live wire she is. Come on. Give it up for Snow White! -And last, but certainly not last, bachelorette number three is a fiery redhead from a dragon-guarded castle surrounded by hot boiling lava! But don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes pina colads and getting caught in the rain. Yours for the rescuing, Princess Fiona! -So will it be bachelorette number one, bachelorette number two or bachelorette number three? -Two! Two! -Three! Three! -Two! Two! -Three! -Three? One? {Shudders} Three? --Three! Pick number three, my lord! -Okay, okay, uh, number three! -Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess Fiona. If you like pina coladas And getting caught in the rain -Princess Fiona. If you're not into yoga -She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone who can go - - -But I probably should mention the little thing that happens at night. -I'll do it. -Yes, but after sunset - - -Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona my queen, and DuLoc will finally have the perfect king! Captain, assemble your finest men. We're going to have a tournament. -But that's it. That's it right there. That's DuLoc. I told ya I'd find it. -So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle. -Uh-huh. That's the place. -Do you think maybe he's compensating for something? {Laughs} {Groans} -Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek. -Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry. -Hey, you! {Screams} -Wait a second. Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just - - I just - - {Whimpering} {Sighs} {Whimpering, Groans} {Turnstile clatters} {Chuckles} {Sighs} -It's quiet. Too quiet. {Creaking} -Where is everybody? -Hey, look at this! {Clattering, whirring, clicking} Welcome to DuLoc such a perfect town Here we have some rules Let us lay them down Don't make waves, stay in line And we'll get along fine DuLoc is perfect place Please keep off of the grass Shine your shoes, wipe your... face DuLoc is, DuLoc is DuLoc is perfect ...... place {Camera shutter clicks {Whirring} -Wow! Let's do that again! -No. No. No, no, no! No. {Trumpet fanfare} {Crowd cheering} -Brave knights. -You are the best and brightest in all the land. -Today one of you shall prove himself - - -All right. You're going the right way for a smacked bottom. -Sorry about that. {Cheering} -That champion shall have the honor - - no, no - - the privilege to go forth and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona from the fiery keep of the dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first runner-up will take his place and so on and so forth. Some of you mae die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing to make. {Cheering} -Let the tournament begin! {Gasps} -Oh! -What is that? {Gasping} -It's hideous! -Ah, that's not very nice. It's just a donkey. -Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who kills the orge will be named champion! Have it him! -Get him! -Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now. -Go ahead! Get him! -Can't we just settle this over a pint? -Kill the beast! -No? All right then. Come on! I don't give a damn about my reputation You're living in the past It's a new generation -Damn! {Whinnying} A girl can do what she wants to do And that's what I'm gonna do And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me Me, me, me -Hey, Shrek, tag me! Tag me! And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation Never said I wanted to improve my station -Ah! {Laughs} And I'm always feelin' good when I'm having fun -Yeah! And I don't have to please no one -The chair! Give him the chair! And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me Me, me, me Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me, not me {Bell dings} {Cheering} {Laughs} -Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you very much! I'm here till Thursday. Try the veal! Ha, ha! {Shrek laughs} {Crowd gasping, murmuring} -Shall I give the order, sir? -No, I have a better idea. People of DuLoc, I give you our champion! -What? -Congratulations, orge. You're won the honor of embarking on a great and noble quest. -Quest? I'm already in a quest, a quest to get my swamp back. -Your swamp? -Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those tale creatures! {Crowd murmuring} -Indeed. All right, orge. I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for me, and I'll give you your swamp back. -Exactly the way it was? -Down to the last slime-covered toadstool. -And the squatters? -As good as gone. -What kind of quest? -Let me get this straight. You're gonna go fight a dragon and rescue a princess just so Farquaad will give you back a swamp which you only don't have because he filled it full of freaks in the first place. -Is that about right? -Maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't talk. -I don't get it. Why don't you just pull some of that orge stuff on him? Throttle him, lay siege to his fortress, grinds his bones to make your bread, the whole orge trip. -Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village and put their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleen and drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you? -Uh, no, not really, no. -For your information, there's a lot more to orges than people think. -Example? -Example? Okay, um, orges are like onions. -{Sniffs} They stink? -Yes - - No! -They make you cry? -No! -You leave them in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little white hairs. -No! Layers! Onions have layers. Orges have layers! Onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers. {Sighs} -Oh, you both have layers. Oh. {Sniffs} You know, not everybody likes onions. Cake! Everybody loves cakes! Cakes have layers. -I don't care... what everyone likes. Orges are not like cakes. -You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits. Have you ever met a person, you say, "Let's get some parfait," they say, "No, I don't like no parfait"? Parfaits are delicious. -No! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Orges are like onions! And of story. Bye-bye. See ya later. -Parfaits may be the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet. -You know, I think I preferred your humming. Do you have a tissure or something? I'm making a mess. Just the word parfait make me start slobbering. I'm on my way from misery to happiness today Uh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh I'm on my way from misery to happiness today Uh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh And everything that you receive up yonder Is what you give to me the day I wander I'm on my way I'm on my way I'm on my way -Ohh! Shrek! Did you do that? -You gotta warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was open. Believe me, Donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead. {Sniffs} It's brimstone We must be getting close. -Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking about it's the brimstone. I know what I smell. It wasn't no brimstone. It didn't come off no stone neither. {Rumbling} -Sure, it's big enough, but look at the location. {Laughing} -Uh, Shrek? Uh, remember when you said orges have layers? -Oh, aye. -Well, I have a bit of a confession to make. Donkeys don't have layers. We wear our fear right out there on our sleeves. -Wait a second.  Donkeys don't have sleeves. -You know what I mean. -You can't tell me you're afraid of heights. -I'm just a little uncomfortable about being on a rickety bridge over a boiling like of lava! -Come on, Donkey. I'm right here beside ya, okay? For emotional support., we'll just tackle this thing together one little baby step at a time. -Really? -Really, really. -Okay, that makes me feel so much better. -Just keep moving. And don't look  down. -Okay, don't look  down. Don't look  down. Don't look  down. Keep on moving. Don't look  down. {Gasps} -Shrek! I'm lookin' down! Oh, God, I can't do this! Just let me off, please! -But you're already halfway. -But I know that half is safe! -Okay, fine. I don't have time for this. You go back. -Shrek, no! Wait! -Just, Donkey - - Let's have a dance then, shall me? -Don't do that! -Oh, I'm sorry. Do what? -Oh, this? -Yes, that! -Yes? Yes, do it. Okay. {Screams} -No, Shrek! No! Stop it! -You said do it! I'm doin' it. -I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die. Oh! -That'll do, Donkey. That'll do. -Cool. -So where is this fire-breathing pain-in-the-neck anyway? -Inside, waiting for us to rescue her. {Chuckles} -I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek. {Water dripping, wind howling} -You afraid? -No. -But - - - Shh. -Oh, good. Me neither. {Gasps} -'Cause there's nothin' wrong with bein' afraid. Fear's a sensible response to an unfamiliar situation. Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I might add. With a dragon that breathes fire and eats knights and breathes fire, it sure doesn't mean you're a coward if you're a little scared. I sure as heck ain't no coward. I know that. {Gasps} -Donkey, two things, okay? Shut ... up. Now go over there and see if you can find any stairs. -Stairs? I thought we was lookin' for the princess. -The princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest tower. -What makes you think she'll be there? -I read it in a book once. -Cool. You handle the dragon. I'll handle the stairs. I'll find those stairs. I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs won't know which way they're goin'. {Creacing} -I'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it to the curb. Don't mess with me. I'm the stair master. I've mastered the stairs. I wish I had a step right here. I'd step all over it. -Well, at least we know where the princess is, but where's the - - -Dragon! {Screams} {Gasps} {Roars} -Donkey, look out! {Screams} {Whimpering} -Got ya! {Roars} {Gasps} {Shouts} -Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! {Screaming} {Gasps} -Oh! Aah! Aah! {Gasping} {Crowls} -No. Oh, no, No! {Screams} -Oh, what large teeth you have. {Crowls} -I mean white, sparkling teeth. I know you probably hear this all time from your food, but you must bleach, 'cause that is one dazzling smile you got  there. Do I detect a hint of minty freshness? And you know what else? You're - - You're a girl dragon! Oh, sure! I mean, of course you're a girl dragon. You're just reeking of feminine beauty. What's the matter with you? You got something in your eye? Ohh. Oh. Oh. Man, I'd really love to stay, but you know, I'm, uh - - (Coughs) -I'm an asthmatic, and I don't know if it'd work out if you're gonna blow smoke rings. Shrek! {Gasps} {Whimpering} -No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! {Groans, Sighs} {Vocalizing} -Oh! Oh! -Wake up! -What? -Are you Princess Fiona? -I am, awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me. -Oh, that's nice. Now let's go! -But wait, Sir Knight. This be-ith our first meeting. Should it not be a wonderful, romantic moment? -Yeah, sorry, lady. There's no time. -Hey, wait. What are you doing? You should sweep me off my feet out yonder window and down a rope onto your valiant steed. -You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you? -Mm-hmm. {Screams, grunts} -But we have to savor this moment! You could recite an epic poem for me. A ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something! -I don't think so. -Can I at least know the name of my champion? -Um, Shrek. -Sir Shrek. {Cleans throat} -I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude. -Thanks! {Roaring} -You didn't slay the dragon? -It's on my to-do list. Now come on! {Screams} -But this isn't right! You were meant to charge in, sword drawn, banner flying. That's what all the other knights did. -Yeah, right before they burst into flame. -That's not the point. Oh! -Wait. Where are you going? The next's over there. -Well, I have to save my ass. -What kind of knight are you? -One of a kind. -Slow down. Slow down, baby, please. I believe it's healthy to get to know someone over a long perriod of time. Just call me old-fashioned. {Laughs} -I don't want to rush into a physical relationship. I'm not emotionally ready for a commitment of, uh, this - -  Magnitude really is the word I'm looking for. Magnitude- - Hey, that is unwanted physical contact. Hey, what are you doing? Okay, okay. Let's just back up a little and take this one step at a time. We really should get to know each other first as friends or pen pals. I'm on the road a lot, but I just love receiving cards - -  I'd really love to stay, but - - Don't do that! That's my tail! That's my personal tail. You're gonna tear it off. I don't give permission - - What are you gonna do with that? Hey, now. No way. No! No! No, no! No. No, no, no. No! Oh! {Growls} {Roaring} {Gasps} -Hi, Princess! -It talks! -Yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's the trick. {Screams} {Screaming} -Oh! {Thuds} {Groans} {Roars} {Roaring} -Okay, you two, heard for the exit! I'll take care of the dragon. {Fchoing} -Run! {Gasping} {Screaming} {Roaring} {Screams} {Roars} {Panting, sighs} {Whimpers} {Roars} -You did it! -You rescued me! You're amazing. You're - - You're wonderful. You're... a little unorthodox I'll admit. But they deed is great, and thine heart is pure. I am eternally in your debt. {Clears throat} -And where would a brave knight be without his noble steed? -I hope you heard that. She called me a noble steed. She think I'm a steed. -The battle is won. You may remove your helmet, good Sir Knight. -Uh, no. -Why not? -I have helmet hair. -Please. I would'st look upon the face of my rescuer. -No, no, you wouldn't - - 'st. -But how will you kiss me? -What? That wasn't in the job description. -Maybe it's a perk. -No, it's destiny. Oh, you must know how it goes. A princess locked in a tower and beset by a dragon is rescued by a brave knight, and then they share true love's first kiss. -Hmm? With Shrek? You think- - Wait. Wait. You think that Shrek is you true love? -Well, yes. {Laughing} -You think Shrek is your true love! -What is so funny? -Let's just say I'm not your tipe, okay? -Of course, you are. You're my rescuer. Now - - Now remove your helmet. -Look. I really don't think this is a good idea. -Just take off the helmet. -I'm not going to. -Take ot off. -No! -Now! -Okay! Easy. As you command. Your Highness. -You- - You're a- - an orge. -Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming. -Well, yes, actually. Oh, no. This is all wrong. You're not supposed to be an orge. {Sighs} -Princess, I was sent to rescue you by Lord Farquaad, okay? He is the one who wants to marry you. -Then why didn't he come rescue me? -Good question. You should ask him that when we get there. -But I have to be rescued by my true love, not by some prge and his- - his pet. -So much for noble steed. -You're not making my job any easier. -I'm sorry, but your job is not my problem. You can tell Lord Farquaad that if he wants to rescue me properly, I'll be waiting for him right here. -Hey! I'm no one's messenger boy, all right? I'm a delivery boy. -You wouldn't dare. Put me down! -Ya comin', Donkey? -I'm right behind ya. -Put me down, or you will suffer the consequences! This is not dignified! Put me down! -Okay, so here's another question. Say there's a woman that digs you, right, but you don't really like her that way. How do you let her down real easy so her feelings aren't hurt, but you don't get burned to a crisp and eaten? -You just tell her she's not your true love. Everyone knowest what happens when you find your - -  Hey! {Sighs} -The sooner we get to DuLoc the better. -You're gonna love it there, Princess. It's beautiful! -And what of my groom-to-be? Lord Farquaad? What's he like? -Let me put it this way, Princess. Men of Farquaad's stature are in short supply. {Laughs} -I don't know. There are those who think little of him. -Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You're just jealous you can never measure up to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad. -Yeah, well, maybe you're right, Princess. But I'll let you do the "measuring" when you see him tomorrow. -Tomorrow? It'll take that long? Shouldn't we stop to make camp? -No, that'll take longer. We can keep going. -But there's robbers in the woods. -Whoa! Time out, Shrek! Camping's starting to sound good. -Hey, come on. I'm scarier than anything we're going to see in this forest. -I need to find somewhere to camp now! {Birds wings fluttering} {Grunting} -Hey! Over here. -Shrek, we can do better than that. I don't think this is fit for a princess. -No, no, it's perfect. It just needs a few homey touches. -Homey touches? Like what? {Crashing} -A door? Well, gentlemen, I bid thee good night. -You want me to read you a bedtime story? I will. -I said good night! -Shrek, What are you doing? {Laughs} -I just- - You know - - Oh, come on. I was just kidding. {Fire cracking} -And, uh, that one, that's Throwback, the only orge to ever spit over three wheat fields. Right. Yeah. -Hey, can you tell my future from these stars? -The stars don't tell the future, Donkey. They tell stories. Look, there's Bloodnut, the Flatulent. You can guess what he's famous for. -I know you're making this up. -No, look. There he is,  and there's the group of hunters running away from his stench. -That ain't nothin' but a bunch of little dots. -You know, Donkey, sometimes things are more than they appear. Hmm? Forget it. {Sighs} -Hey, Shrek, what we gonna do when we get our swamp anyway? -Our swamp? -You know, when we're through rescuing the princess. -We? Donkey, there's no "we". There's no "our". There's just me and my swamp. The first thing I'm gonna do is build a ten-foot wall arond my land. -You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me real deep just now. You know what I think? I think this whole wall thing is just a way to keep somebody out. -No, do ya think? -Are you hidin' something? -Never mind, Donkey. -Oh, this is another one of those onion things, isn't it? -No, this is one of those drop-it and leave-it alone things. -Why don't you want to talk about it? -Why do you want to talk about it? -Why are you blocking? -I'm not blocking. -Oh, yes, you are. -Donkey, I'm warning you. -Who you trying to keep out? -Everyone! Okay? -Oh, now we're gettin' somewhere. -Oh! For the love of Pete! -What's your problem? What you got against the whole world anyway? -Look, I'm not the one with the problem, okay? It's the world that seems to have a problem with me. People take one look at me and go. "Aah! Help! Run! A big, stupid, ugly orge!" They judge me before they even know me. That's why I'm better off alone. -You know what? When we met, I didn't think you was just a big, stupid, ugly orge. -Yeah, I know. -So, uh, are there any donkeys up there? -Well, there's, um, Gabby, the Small and Annoying. -Okay, okay, I see it now. The big shiny one, right there. That one there? -That's the moon. -Oh, okay. {Orchestra} {Dulcimer} -Again, show me again. Mirror, mirror, show her to me. Show me the princess. -Hmph. -Ah. Perfect. {Inhales} {Snoring} {Vocalizing} {Whistling} {Sizzling} {Sniffs, yawns} -Mmm, yeah, you know I like it like that. --Come on, baby. I said I like it. -Donkey, wake up. -Huh? What? -Wake up. -What? -Good morning. Hm, how do you like your eggs? -Good morning, Princess! -What's all this about? -You know, we kind of got off to a bad start yesterday. I wanted to make it up to you. I mean, after all, you did rescue me. -Uh, thanks. {Sniffs} -Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead of us. {Belches} -Shrek! -What? It's a compliment. Better out than in, I always say. {Laughs} -Well, it's no way to behave in front of a princess. {Belches} -Thanks. -She's as nasty as you are. -{Laughs} You know, you're not exactly what I expected. -Well, maybe you shouldn't judge people before you get to know them. {Vocalizing} -La liberte! Hey! -Princess! {Laughs} -What are you doing? -Be still, mon cherie, for I am you savior! And I am rescuing you from this green - - {Kissing sounds} -beast. -Hey! -That's my princess! Go find you own! -Please, monster! Can't you see I'm a little busy here? -Look, pal, I don't know who you think you are! -Oh! Of couse! Oh, how rude. Please let me introduse myself. Oh, Merry Men. {Laughs} {Accordion} Ta, dah, dah, dah, whoo. I steal from the rich and give to the needy. He takes a wee percentage, But I'm not greedy. I rescue pretty damsels Man, I'm good What a guy, Monsieur Hood Break it down I like an honest fight and a saucy little maid What he's basically saying is he likes to get - - Paid So When an orge in the bush grabs a lady by the tush That's bad That's bad When a beauty's with a beast it makes me awfully mad He's mad He's really, really mad I'll take my blade and ram it through your heart Keep your eyes on me, boys 'cause I'm about to start {Grunts, Groans} {Karate Yell} {Merry Men Gasping} {Panting} -Man, that was annoying! -Oh, you little- - {Karate Yell} {Accordion} {Shouting, groaning} {Chuckles} -Uh, shall we? -Hold the phone. {Grunts} Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on now. Where did that come from? -What? -That! Back there. That was amazing! Where did you learn that? -Well - - {Chuckles} When one lives alone, uh, one has to learn these things in case there's a - - There's an arrow in your butt! -What? Oh, would you look at that? -Oh, no. This is all my fault. I'm so sorry. -Why? What's wrong? -Shrek's hurt. -Shrek's hurt. Shrek's hurt? Oh, no, Shrek's gonna die. -Donkey, I'm okay. -You can't do this to me, Shrek. I'm too young for you to die. Keep you legs elevated. Turn your head and cough. Does anyone know the Heimlich? -Donkey! Calm down. If you want to help Shrek, run into the woods and find me a blue flower with red thorns. -Blue flower, red thorns. Okay, I'm on it. Blue flower, red thorns. Don't die Shrek. If you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light! -{Both} Donkey! -Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns. -What are the flowers for? -For getting rid of Donkey. -Ah. -Now you hold still, and I'll yank this thing out. -Ow! Hey! Easy with the yankin'. -I'm sorry, but it has to come out. -No, it's tender. -Now, hold on. -What you're doing is the opposite of help. -Don't move. -Look, time out. -Would you - - {Grunts} -Okay. What do you propose we do? -Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn't color-blind! Blue flower, red thorns. -Ow! -Hold on, Shrek! I'm comin'! -Ow! Not good. -Okay. Okay. I can nearly see the head. {Grunts} -It's just about - - -Ow! Ohh! -Ahem. -Nothing happend. We were just, uh - - -Look, if you wanted to be alone, all you had to do was ask. Okay? -Oh, come on! That's the last thing on my mind. The princess here was just- - Ugh! -Ow! -Hey, what's that? {Nervous chickle} -That's- - Is that blood? {Sighs} {Bird chirping} {Grunts} My beloved monster and me We go everywhere together Wearin' a raincoat that has four sleeves Gets us through all kinds of weather -Aah! She will always be the only thing That comes between me and the awful sting That comes from living in a world that's so damn mean {Croaks} Oh, oh-oh-oh-oh -Hey! La-la, la-la, la-la-la-la {Both laughing} La-la, la-la, la-la -There it is, Princess. Your future awaits you. -That's DuLoc? -Yeah, I know. You know, Shrek thinks Lord Farquaad's compensating for something,  which I think means he has a really - - Ow! -Um, I, uh- -  I guess we better move on. -Sure. But, Shrek? I'm - - I'm worried about Donkey. {Blubbering} -What? -I mean, look at him. He doesn't look so good. -What are you talking about? I'm fine. -That's what they always say, and then next thing you know, you're on your back. Dead. -You know, she's right. You look awful. Do you want to sit down? -Uh, you know, I'll make you some tea. -I didn't want to say nothin', but I got this twinge in my neck, and when I turn my head like this, look, {Bones crunch} -Ow! See? -Who's hungry? I'll find us some dinner. -I'll get the firewood. -Hey, where you goin'? Oh, man, I can't feel my toes! I don't have any toes! I think I need a hug. -Mmm. This is good. This is really good. What is this? -Uh, weedrat. Rotisserie style. -No kidding. Well, this is delicious. -Well, they're also great in stews. Now, I don't mean to brag, but I make a mean weedrat stew. {Chuckling} {Sighs} -I guess I'll be dining a little differently tomorrow night. {Gulps} -Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime. I'll cook all kind of stuff for you. Swamp toad soup, fish eye tartare - - you name it. {Chuckles} -I'd like that. {Slurps, laughs} See the pyramids along the Nile -Um, Princess? Watch the sunrise from a tropic isle -Yes, Shrek? -I, um, I was wondering. Just remember, darling all the while -Are you- - You belong to me {Sighs} -Are you gonna eat that? {Chuckles} -Man, isn't this romantic? Just look at that sunset. -Sunset? -Oh, no! I mean, it's late. I-It's very late. -What? -Wait a minute. I see what's goin' on here. You're afraid of the dark, aren't you? -Yes! Yes, that's it. I'm terrified. You know, I'd better go inside. -Don't feel bad, Princess. I used to be afraid of the dark, too, until - - Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of the dark. {Shrek sighs} -Good night. -Good night. {Door creaks} -Ohh! Now I really see what's goin' on here. -Oh, what are you talkin' about? -I don't even wanna hear it. Look, I'm an animal, and I got instincts. And I know you two were diggin' on each other. I could feel it. -You're crazy. I'm just bringing her back to Farquaad. -Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell the pheromones. Just go on in and tell her how you feel. -I- - There's nothing to tell. Besides, even if I did tell her that, well, you know - - and I'm not sayin' I do 'cause I don't - - she's a princess, and I'm - - -An orge? -Yeah. An orge. -Hey, where you goin'? -To get... move firewood. {Sighs} -Princess? Princess Fiona? Princess, where are you? {Wings fluttering} -Princess? {Creaking} {Gasps} -It's very spooky in here. I ain't playing no games. {Screams} -Aah! -Oh, no! -No, help! -Shh! -Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! -No, it's okay. It's okay. -What did you do with the princess? -Donkey, I'm the princess. -Aah! -It's me, in this body. -Oh, my God! You ate the princess. Can you hear me? -Donkey! -Listen, keep breathing! I'll get you out of there! -No! -Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! -Shh. -Shrek! -This is me. {Muffled mumbling} -Princess? What happened to you? You're, uh, uh, uh, different. -I'm ugly, okay? -Well, yeah! Was it something you ate? 'Cause I told Shrek those rats was a bad idea. You are what you eat, I said. Now - - -No. -I - - I've been this way as long as I can remember. -What do you mean? Look, I ain't never seen you like this before. -It's only happens when sun goes down. "By night one way, by day another. This shall be the norm... until you find true love's first kiss... and then take love's true form." -Ah, that's beautiful. I didn't know you wrote poetry. -It's a spell. {Sighs} -When I was a little girl, a witch cast a spell on me. Every night I become this. This horrible, ugly beast! I was placed in a tower to await the day my true love would rescue me. That's why I have to marry Lord Farquaad tomorrow before the sun sets and he sees me like this. {Sobs} -All right, all right. Calm down. Look, it's not that bad. You're not that ugly. Well, I ain't gonna lie. You are ugly. But you only look like this at night. Shrek's ugly 24-7. -But Donkey, I'm a princess, and this is not how a princess is meant to look. -Princess, how 'bout if you don't marry Farquaad? -I have to.  Only my true love's kiss can break the spell. -But, you know, um, you're kind of an orge, and Shrek - - well, you got a lot in common. -Shrek? -Princess, I - - Uh, how's it going, first of all? Good? Um, good for me too. I'm okay. I saw this flower and thought of you because it's pretty and - - well, I don't really like it, but I thought you might like it 'cause you're pretty. But I like you anyway. I'd - - uh, uh - - {Sighs} -I'm in trouble. Okay, here we go. -I can't just marry whoever I want. Take a good look at me, Donkey. I mean, really, who can ever love a beast so hideous and ugly? "Princess" and "ugly" don't go together. That's why I can't stay here with Shrek. {Gasps} -My only chance to live happily ever after is to marry my true love. {Deep sigh} -Don't you see, Donkey? That's just how it has to be. It's the only way to break the spell. -You at least gotta tell Shrek the truth. -No! You can't breathe a word. No one must ever know. -What's the point of being able to talk if you gotta keep secrets? -Promise you won't tell. Promise! -All right, all right. I won't tell him. But you should. I just know before this is over, I'm gonna need a whole lot of serious therapy. -Look at my eye twitchin'. {Door opens} {Snoring} -I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him. -Shrek! Shrek, there's something I want - - {Snoring} -Shrek. Are you all right? -Perfect! Never been better. -I - - I don't - - There's something I have to tell you. -You don't have to tell me anything, Princess. I heard enough last night. -You heard what I said? -Every word. -I thought you'd understand. -Oh, I undersatnd. Like you said, "Who could love a hideous, ugly beast?" -But I thought that wouldn't matter to you. -Yeah? Well, it does. {Gasps, sighs} -Ah, right on time. {Horse whinnies} -Princess, I've brought you a little something. {Fanfare} {Yawns} -What'd I miss? What'd I miss? {Muffled} -Who said that? Couldn't have been a donkey. -Princess Fiona. -As promised. Now hand it over. -Very well, orge. The deed to your swamp, cleared out, as agreed. -Take it and go before I change my mind. -Forgive me, Princess, for startling you, but you startled me, for I have never seen such a radiant beauty before. I'm Lord Farquaad. -Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no. {Snaps fingers} -Forgive me, my lord, for I was just saying a short... farewell. -Oh, that is so sweet. You don't have to waste good manners on the orge. It's not like it has feelings. -No, you're right. It doesn't. -Princess Fiona, beautiful, fair, flawerss Fiona. I ask your hand in marriage. {Gasps} -Will you be the perfect bride for the perfect groom? -Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would make - - -Excellent! I'll start the plans, for tomorrow we wed! -No! I mean, uh, why wait? Let's get married today before the sun sets. -Oh, anxious, are you? You're right. The sooner, the better. There's so much to do! Threre's the caterer, the cake, the band, the guest list. Captain, round up some guests! -Fare-thee-well, orge. -Shrek, what are you doing? You're letting her get away. -Yeah? So what? -Shrek, there's something about her you don't know. Look, I talked to her last night, She's - - -I know you talked to her last night. You're great pals, aren't ya? Now, if you two are such good friends, why don't you follow her home? -Shrek, I - - I wanna go with you. -I told you, didn't I? You're not coming home with me. I live alone! My swamp! Me! Nobody else! Understand? Nobody! Especially useless, pathetic, annoying, talking donkeys! -But I thought - - -Yeah. You know what? You tought wrong! -Shrek. I heard there was a secret chord That David played and it pleased the Lord But you don't really care for music, do ya It goes like this the fourth, the fifth The minor fall the major lift The baffled king composing hallelujah Hallelujah,  hallelujah Baby, I've been here before I know this room I've walked this floor I used to live alone before I knew you I've seen your flag on the marble arch But love is not a victory march It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah Hallelujah,  hallelujah And all I ever learned from love Is how to shoot at someone Who outdrew you {Moaning} And it's not a cry you can hear at night It's not somebody who's seen the light It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah {Moaning} Hallelujah,  hallelujah {Thumping sound} -Donkey? {Grunts} -What are you doing? -I would think, of all people, you would recognize a wall when you see one. -Well, yeah. But the wall's supposed to go around my swamp, not through it. -It is around your half. See that's your half, and this is my half. -Oh! Your half. Hmm. -Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess. I did half the work. I get half the booty. Now hand me that big old rock, the one that looks like your head. -Back off! -No, you back off. -This is my swamp! -Our swamp. -Let go, Donkey! -You let go. -Stubborn jackass! -Smelly orge. -Fine! -Hey, hey, come back here. I'm not through with you yet. -Well, I'm through with you. -Uh-uh. You know, with you it's always, "Me, me, me!" Well, guess what! Now it's my turn! So you just shut up and pay attention! You are mean to me. You insult me and you don't appreciate anything that I do! You're always pushing me around or pushing me away. -Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so bad, how come you came back? -Because that's what friends do! They forgive each other! -Oh, yeah. You're right, Donkey. I forgive you... for stabbin' me in the back! -Ohh! You're so wrapped up in layers, onion boy, you're afraid of your own feelings. -Go away! -There you are , doing it again just like you did to Fiona. All she ever do was like you, maybe even love you. -Love me? She said I was ugly, a hideous creature. I heard the two of you talking. -She wasn't talkin' about you. She was talkin' about, uh, somebody else. -She wasn't talking about me? Well, then who was she talking about? -Uh-uh, no way. I ain't saying anything. You don't wanna listen to me. Right? Right? -Donkey! -No! -Okay, look. I'm sorry, all right? {Sighs} -I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big, stupid, ugly orge. Can you forgive me? -Hey, that's what friends are for, right? -Right. Friends? -Friends. -So, um, what did Fiona say about me? -What are you asking me for? Why don't you just go ask her? -The wedding! We'll never make it in time. -Ha-ha-ha! Never fear, for where, there's a will, there's a way and I have a way. {Whistles} -Donkey? -I guess it's just my animal magnetism. {Laughing} -Aw, come here, you. -All right, all right.Don't get all slobbery. No one likes a kiss ass. All right, hop on and hold on tight. I haven't had a chance to install the seat belts yet. -Whoo! {Bells tolling} {All gasping} -People of DuLoc, we gather here today to bear witnss to the union.... -Um- -of our new king - - -Excuse me. Could we just skip ahead to the "I do's"? {Chuckling} -Go on. -Go ahead, HAVE SOME FUN. If we need you, I'll whistle. How about that? Shrek, wait, wait! Wait a minute! You wanna do this right, don't you? -What are you talking about? -There's a line you gotta wait for. The preacher's gonna say, "Speak now or forever hold your peace." That's when you say, "I object!" -I don't have time for this! -Hey, wait. What are you doing? Listen to me! Look, you love this woman, don't you? -Yes. -You wanna hold her? -Yes. -Please her? -Yes! -Then you got to, got to try a little tenderness. The chicks love that romantic crap! -All right! Cut it out. When does this guy say the line? -We gotta check it out. -And so, by the power vested in me, -What do you see? -The whole town's in there. -I now pronounce you husband and wife, -They're at the altar. -king and queen. -Mother Fletcher! He already said it. -Oh, for the love of Pete! {Grunts} -I object! -Shrek? {Gasps} -Oh, now what does he want? -Hi, everyone. Havin' a good time, are ya? I love DuLoc, first at all. Very clean. -What are you doing here? -Really, it's rude enough being alive when no one wants you, but showing up uninvited to a wedding - - -Fiona! I need to talk to you. -Oh, now you wanna talk? It's a little late for that, so if you'll excuse me - - -But you can't marry him. -And why not? -Because- - Because he's just marring you so he can be king. -Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him. -He's not your true love. -And what do you know about true love? -Well, I - - Uh - - I mean - - -Oh, this is precious. The orge has fallen in love with the princess! Oh, good Lord. {Crowd laughting} -An orge and a princess! -Shrek, is this true? -Who cares? It's preposterous! Fiona, my love, we're but a kiss away from our "happily ever after." Now kiss me! Mmmmm! -"By night one way, by day another." I wanted to show you before. {Whimpers} {Crown gasping} -Well, uh, that explains a lot. -Ugh! It's disgusting! Guards! Guards! I order you to get that out of my sight now! Get them! Get them both! -No, no! -Shrek! -This hocus-pocus alters nothing. This marriage is binding, and that makes me king! See? See? -No, let go of me! Shrek! -No! -Don't just stand there, you morons. -Get out of my way! Fiona! Arrgh! -I'll make you regret the day we met. I'll see you drawn and quartered! -You'll beg for death to save you! -No, Shrek! -And as for you, my wife, -Fiona! -I'll have you locked back in that tower for the rest of your days! -I'm king! {Whistles} -I will have order! I will have perfection! I will have - - Aaaah! -Aah! -All right. Nobody move. I got a dragon here, and I'm not afraid to use it. {Roars} -I'm a donkey on the edge! {Belches} -Celebrity marriages. They never last, do they? {Cheering} -Go ahead, Shrek. -Uh, Fiona? -Yes, Shrek? -I - - I love you. -Really? -Really, really. - I love you too. -Aawww! -"Until you find true love's first kiss and then take love's true form." -"Take love's true form. Take love's true form." -Fiona? Fiona. Are you all right? -Well, yes. But I don't understand. I'm supposed to be beautiful. -But you ARE beautiful. {Chuckles} -I was hoping this would be a happy ending. I thought love was only true in fairy tales Oy! Meant for someone else but not for me Love was out to get me That's the way it seemed Disappointment haunted all my dreams And then I saw her face Now I'm a believer and not a trace Of doubt in my mind I'm in love Ooh-aah I'm a believer I couldn't leave her If I tried -God bless us, every one. Come on, y'all! Then I saw her face Ha-ha Now I'm a believer Listen! Not a trace Of doubt in my mind I'm in love Ooh-aah I'm a believer I couldn't leave her if I tried -Ooh! -Uh! Then I saw her face Now I'm a believer Hey! Not a trace Uhh! Yeah. Of doubt in my mind -One more time! I'm in love I'm a believer Come on! I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, hey Y'all sing it with me! I Believe I believe People in the back! I believe I'm a believer I believe I believe I believe I believe {Hysterical laughing} -Oh, that's funny. Oh. Oh. -I can't breathe. I can't breathe. I believe in self-assertion Destiny or a slight diversion Now it seems I've got my head on straight I'm a freak an apparition Seems I've made the right decision To try to turn back now it might be too late Now I want to stay home today Don't wanna go out If anyone comes to play Gonna get thrown out I wanna stay home today Don't want no company No way Yeah, yeah, yeah I wanna be a millionaire someday But know what it feels like to give it away Watch me march to the beat of my own drum And it's off to the moon and then back again Same old day Same situation My happiness rears back as if to say I wanna stay home today Don't wanna go out If anyone comes to play Gonna get thrown out I wanna stay home today Don't want no company No way Yeah, yeah, yeah I wanna stay home, stay home, stay home......... I get such a thrill when you look in my eyes My heart skips a beat Girl, I feel so alive Please tell me, baby, if all this is true 'Cause deep down inside all I wanted was you Oh-oh-oh Makes me wanna dance Oh-oh-oh It's a new romance Oh-oh-oh I look into your eyes Oh-oh-oh The best years of our lives When we first met I could hardly believe The things that would happen and we could achieve So let's be together for all of our time Oh, girl, I'm so thankful that you are still mine You always consider me like an ugly duckling And treat me like a Nostradamus was why I had to get my shine on I break a little something to keep my mind on 'Cause you had my mind gone Eh-eh, eh-eh, eh-eh Turn the lights on, Come on, baby Let's just rewind the song 'Cause all I want to do is make the rest years the best years All night long Oh-oh-oh Makes me wanna dance Makes me wanna dance Oh-oh-oh It's a new romance It's a new romance Oh-oh-oh I look into your eyes Oh, yeah, yeah I look into your eyes Oh-oh-oh The best years of our lives Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.............. Everything looks bright Standing in your light Everything feels right What's left is out of sight What's a girl to do I'm telling you You're on my mind I wanna be with you 'Cause when you're standin' next to me It's like wow And all your kisses seem to set me free It's like wow And when we touch it's such a rush I can't get enough It's like- - It's like Ooh-ooh Hey, what It's like wow Ooh-ooh, hey Hey, yeah It's like wow Everything is looking right now, right now It's like wow And I got this feeling This feeling it's just like wow It's just like wow You are all I'm thinking of. Like wow Everything feels right Everything feels right Like wow Everything looks bright All my senses are right Like wow Everything feels right Baby, baby, baby the way I'm feeling you Is like wow There is something that I see In the way you look at me There's a smile There's a truth In your eyes What an unexpected way On this unexpected day Could it be This is where I belong It is you I have loved All long There's no more mystery It is finally clear to me You're the home my heart's searched for So long It is you I have loved All long Whoa, over and over I'm filled with emotion As I look Into your perfect face

[tw3wh-moving]

{Man} Once upon a time there was a lovely princess. But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort which could only be broken by love's first kiss. She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire-breathing dragon. Many brave knigts had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison, but non prevailed. She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest tower for her true love and true love's first kiss. {Laughing} Like that's ever gonna happen. {Paper Rusting, Toilet Flushes} What a load of - Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll me I ain't the sharpest tool in the shed She was lookin' kind of dumb with her finger and her thumb In the shape of an "L" on her forehead The years start comin' and they don't stop comin' Fed to the rules and hit the ground runnin' Didn't make sense not to live for fun Your brain gets smart but your head gets dumb So much to do so much to see So what's wrong with takin' the backstreets You'll never know if you don't go You'll never shine if you don't glow Hey, now You're an all-star Get your game on, go play Hey, now You're a rock star Get the show on, get paid And all that glitters is gold Only shootin' stars break the mold It's a cool place and they say it gets colder You're bundled up now but wait till you get older But the meteor men beg to differ Judging by the hole in the satellite picture The ice we skate is gettin' pretty thin The water's getting warm so you might as well swim My world's on fire How 'bout yours That's the way I like it and I'll never get bored Hey, now, you're an all-star {Shouting} Get your game on, go play Hey, now You're a rock star Get the show on, get paid And all that glitters is gold Only shootin' stars break the mold {Belches} Go! Go! {Record Scratching} Go. Go.Go. Hey, now, you're an all-star Get your game on, go play Hey, now You're a rock star Get the show on, get paid And all that glitters is gold Only shootin' stars break the mold -Think it's in there? -All right. Let's get it! -Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that thing can do to you? -Yeah, it'll grind your bones for it's bread. {Laughs} -Yes, well, actually, that would be a gaint. Now, ogres - - They're much worse. They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin. -No! -They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the jelly from your eyes! Actually, it's quite good on toast. -Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya! {Gasping} -Right. {Roaring} {Shouting} {Roaring} {Whispers} This is the part where you run away. {Gasping} {Laughs} {Laughing} And stay out! "Wanted. Fairy tale creatures." {Sighs} {Man's voice} All right. This one's full. -Take it away! {Gasps} -Move it along. Come on! Get up! -Next! -Give me that! Your fiying days are over. That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next! -Get up! Come on! -Twenty pieces. {Thudding} -Sit down there! -Keep quiet! {Crying} -This cage is too small. -Please, don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again. I can change. Please! Give me another chance! -Oh, shut up. -Oh! -Next! -What have you got? -This little wooden puppet. -I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy. -Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away. -Father, please! Don't let them do this! -Help me! -Next! What have you got? -Well, I've got a talking donkey. {Grunts} -Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings, if you can prove it. -Oh, go ahead, little fella. -Well? -Oh, oh, he's just - - He's just a little nervous. He's really quite a chatterbox. Talk, you boneheaded dolt - - -That's it. I've heard enough. Guards! -No, no, he talks! He does. I can talk. I love to talk. I'm the talkingest damn thing you ever saw. -Get her out of my sight. -No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk! {Gasps} -Hey! I can fly! -He can fly! -He can fly! -He can talk! -Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey. You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly but I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha! Oh-oh. {Grunts} -Seize him!

-After him! He's getting away! {Grunts, Gasps} {Man} -Get him! This way! Turn! -You there. Orge! -Aye? -By the order of Lord Farquaad I am authorized to place you both under arrest and transport you to a designated..... resettlement facility. -Oh, really? You and what army? {Gasps, Whimpering} {Chuckles} -Can I say something to you? -Listen, you was really, really, really somethin' back here. Incredible! Are you talkin' to - - me? Whoa! -Yes. I was talkin' to you. Can I tell you that you that you was great back here? Those guards! They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up, and bam! They was trippin' over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made me feel good to see that. -Oh, that's great. Really. -Man, it's good to be free. -Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends? Hmm? -But, uh, I don't have any friends. And I'm not goin' out there by myself. Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll stick with you. You're mean, green, fightin' machine. Together we'll scare the spit out of anybody that crosses us. {Roaring} -Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you don't mind me sayin', if that don't work, your breath certainly will get the job done, 'cause you definitely need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause you breath stinks! You almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time - - {Mumbling} Than I ate some rotten berries. I had strong gases eking out of my butt that day. -Why are you following me? -I'll tell you why. 'Cause I'm all alone There's no one here beside me My promlems have all gone There's no one to deride me But you gotta heve friends - - -Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't have any friends. -Wow. Only a true friend would be that cruelly honest. -Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me. What am I? -Uh - - Really tall? -No! I'm an orge! You know. "Grab your torch and pitchforks." Doesn't that bother you? -Nope. -Really? -Really, really. -Oh. -Man, I like you. What's you name? -Uh, Shrek. -Shrek? Well, you know what I like about you, Shrek? You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me thing. I like that. I respect that, Shrek. You all right. Whoo! Look at that. Who'd want to live in place like that? -That would be my home. -Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful. You know you are quite a decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder. -I guess you don't entertain much, do you? -I like my privacy. -You know, I do too. That's another thing we have in common. Like I hate it when you got somebody in your face. You've trying to give them a hint, and they won't leave. There's that awkward silence. -Can I stay with you? -Uh, what? -Can I stay with you, please? -Of course! -Really? -No. -Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to be considered a freak. Well, maybe you do. But that's why we gotta stick together. You gotta let me stay! Please! Please! -Okay! Okay! But one night only. -Ah! Thank you! -What are you - - No! No! -This is gonna be fun! We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories, and in the mornin' I'm makin' waffles. -Oh! -Where do, uh, I sleep? -Outside! -Oh, well. I guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you, and you don't know me, so I guess outside is best, you know. {Sniffles} -Here I go. -Good night. {Sighs} -I mean, I do like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was born outside. I'll just be sitting by myself outside, I guess, you know. By myself, outside. I'm all alone There's no one here beside me {Bubbling} {Sighs} {Creaking} {Sighs} -I thought I told you to stay outside. -I'm outside. {Clattering} -Well, gents, it's a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we have? -It's not home, but it'll do just fune. -What a lovely bed. -Got ya. {Sniffs} I found some cheese. -Ow! {Grunts} -Blah! Awful stuff. -Is that you, Gorder? -How did you know? -Enough! What are you doing in my house? {Grunts} -Hey!

{Snickers} -Oh, no, no, no. Dead broad off the table. -Where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken. -Huh? {Gusps} {Male voice} What? -I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm a terrifying orge! What do I have to do get a little privacy? -Aah! -Oh, no. No! No! {Cackling} -What? -Quit it. -Don't push. {Squeaking} {Lows} - What are you doing in my swamp? {Echoing} Swamp! Swamp! Swamp! {Gasping} -Oh, dear! -Whoa! -All right, get out of here. All of you, move it! Come on! Let's go! Hapaya! Hapaya! Hey! -Quickly. Come on! -No, no! No, no. Not there. Not there. -Oh! {Sighs} -Hey, don't look at me. I didn't invite them. -Oh, gosh, no one invited us. -What? -We were forced to come here. -By who? -Lord Farquaad. -He huffed und he puffed und he...... signed an eviction notice. {Sighs} -All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is? {Murmuring} -Oh, I do. I know where he is. -Does anyone else know where to find him? Anyone at all? -Me! Me! -Anyone? -Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know! Me, me! {Sighs} -Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy tale things. Do not get comfortable. Your welcome is officially worn out. In fact, I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad right now and get you all off my land and back where you came from! {Cheering} {Twittering} -Oh! You! You're comin' with me. - All right, that's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two stalwart friends, off on a whirlwind big-city adventure. I love it! -On the road again. Sing it with me, Shrek. -Hey. Oh, oh! -I can't wait to get on the road again. -What did I say about singing? -Can I whistle? -No. -Can I hum it? -All right, hum it. {Humming} {Grunts} {Whimpering} -That's enough. He's ready to talk. {Coughing} {Laughing} {Clears throat} -Run, run, run, as fust as you can. You can't catch me. I'm the gingerbread man! -You are a monster. -I'm not the monster here. You are. You and the rest of that fairy tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell me! Where are the others? -Eat me!{Grunts} -I've tried to be fair to you creatures. Now my patience has reached its end! Tell me or I'll - - -No, no, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop buttons. -All right then. Who's hiding them? -Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the muffin man? -The muffin man? -The muffin man. -Yes, I know the muffin man, who lives on Drury Lane? -Well, she's married to the muffin man. -The muffin man? -The muffin man! -She's married to the muffin man. {Door opens} -My lord! We found it. -Then what are you waiting for? Bring it in. {Man grunting} {Gasping} -Oh! -Magic mirror - - -Don't tell him anything! -No! {Ginerbread man whispers} -Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall. Is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all? -Well, technically you're not a king. -Uh, Thelonius. -You were saying? -What I mean is, you're not a king yet. But you can become one. All you have to do is marry a princess. -Go on. {Chuckles} -So, just sit back and relax, my lord, because it's time for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are! Bachelorette number one is a mentally abused shut-in from a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for her two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella. -Bachelorette number two is a cape-wearing girl from the land of fancy. Although she lives with seven other men, she's not easy. Just kiss her dead, frozen lips and find out what a live wire she is. Come on. Give it up for Snow White! -And last, but certainly not last, bachelorette number three is a fiery redhead from a dragon-guarded castle surrounded by hot boiling lava! But don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes pina colads and getting caught in the rain. Yours for the rescuing, Princess Fiona! -So will it be bachelorette number one, bachelorette number two or bachelorette number three? -Two! Two! -Three! Three! -Two! Two! -Three! -Three? One? {Shudders} Three? --Three! Pick number three,

my lord! -Okay, okay, uh, number three! -Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess Fiona. If you like pina coladas And getting caught in the rain -Princess Fiona. If you're not into yoga -She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone who can go - - -But I probably should mention the little thing that happens at night. -I'll do it. -Yes, but after sunset - - -Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona my queen, and DuLoc will finally have the perfect king! Captain, assemble your finest men. We're going to have a tournament. -But that's it. That's it right there. That's DuLoc. I told ya I'd find it. -So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle. -Uh-huh. That's the place. -Do you think maybe he's compensating for something? {Laughs} {Groans} -Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek. -Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry. -Hey, you! {Screams} -Wait a second. Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just - - I just - - {Whimpering} {Sighs} {Whimpering, Groans} {Turnstile clatters} {Chuckles} {Sighs} -It's quiet. Too quiet. {Creaking} -Where is everybody? -Hey, look at this! {Clattering, whirring, clicking} Welcome to DuLoc such a perfect town Here we have some rules Let us lay them down Don't make waves, stay in line And we'll get along fine DuLoc is perfect place Please keep off of the grass Shine your shoes, wipe your... face DuLoc is, DuLoc is DuLoc is perfect ...... place {Camera shutter clicks {Whirring} -Wow! Let's do that again! -No. No. No, no, no! No. {Trumpet fanfare} {Crowd cheering} -Brave knights. -You are the best and brightest in all the land. -Today one of you shall prove himself - - -All right. You're going the right way for a smacked bottom. -Sorry about that. {Cheering} -That champion shall have the honor - - no, no - - the privilege to go forth and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona from the fiery keep of the dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first runner-up will take his place and so on and so forth. Some of you mae die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing to make. {Cheering} -Let the tournament begin! {Gasps} -Oh! -What is that? {Gasping} -It's hideous! -Ah, that's not very nice. It's just a donkey. -Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who kills the orge will be named champion! Have it him! -Get him! -Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now. -Go ahead! Get him! -Can't we just settle this over a pint? -Kill the beast! -No? All right then. Come on! I don't give a damn about my reputation You're living in the past It's a new generation -Damn! {Whinnying} A girl can do what she wants to do And that's what I'm gonna do And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me Me, me, me -Hey, Shrek, tag me! Tag me! And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation Never said I wanted to improve my station -Ah! {Laughs} And I'm always feelin' good when I'm having fun -Yeah! And I don't have to please no one -The chair! Give him the chair! And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me Me, me, me Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me, not me {Bell dings} {Cheering} {Laughs} -Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you very much! I'm here till Thursday. Try the veal! Ha, ha! {Shrek laughs} {Crowd gasping, murmuring} -Shall I give the order, sir? -No, I have a better idea. People of DuLoc, I give you our champion! -What? -Congratulations, orge. You're won the honor of embarking on a great and noble quest. -Quest? I'm already in a quest, a quest to get my swamp back. -Your swamp? -Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those tale creatures! {Crowd murmuring} -Indeed. All right, orge. I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for me, and I'll give you your swamp back. -Exactly the way it was? -Down to the last slime-covered toadstool. -And the squatters? -As good as gone. -What kind of quest? -Let me get this straight. You're gonna go fight a dragon and rescue a princess just so Farquaad will give you back a swamp which you only

don't have because he filled it full of freaks in the first place. -Is that about right? -Maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't talk. -I don't get it. Why don't you just pull some of that orge stuff on him? Throttle him, lay siege to his fortress, grinds his bones to make your bread, the whole orge trip. -Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village and put their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleen and drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you? -Uh, no, not really, no. -For your information, there's a lot more to orges than people think. -Example? -Example? Okay, um, orges are like onions. -{Sniffs} They stink? -Yes - - No! -They make you cry? -No! -You leave them in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little white hairs. -No! Layers! Onions have layers. Orges have layers! Onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers. {Sighs} -Oh, you both have layers. Oh. {Sniffs} You know, not everybody likes onions. Cake! Everybody loves cakes! Cakes have layers. -I don't care... what everyone likes. Orges are not like cakes. -You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits. Have you ever met a person, you say, "Let's get some parfait," they say, "No, I don't like no parfait"? Parfaits are delicious. -No! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Orges are like onions! And of story. Bye-bye. See ya later. -Parfaits may be the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet. -You know, I think I preferred your humming. Do you have a tissure or something? I'm making a mess. Just the word parfait make me start slobbering. I'm on my way from misery to happiness today Uh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh I'm on my way from misery to happiness today Uh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh And everything that you receive up yonder Is what you give to me the day I wander I'm on my way I'm on my way I'm on my way -Ohh! Shrek! Did you do that? -You gotta warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was open. Believe me, Donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead. {Sniffs} It's brimstone We must be getting close. -Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking about it's the brimstone. I know what I smell. It wasn't no brimstone. It didn't come off no stone neither. {Rumbling} -Sure, it's big enough, but look at the location. {Laughing} -Uh, Shrek? Uh, remember when you said orges have layers? -Oh, aye. -Well, I have a bit of a confession to make. Donkeys don't have layers. We wear our fear right out there on our sleeves. -Wait a second. Donkeys don't have sleeves. -You know what I mean. -You can't tell me you're afraid of heights. -I'm just a little uncomfortable about being on a rickety bridge over a boiling like of lava! -Come on, Donkey. I'm right here beside ya, okay? For emotional support., we'll just tackle this thing together one little baby step at a time. -Really? -Really, really. -Okay, that makes me feel so much better. -Just keep moving. And don't look down. -Okay, don't look down. Don't look down. Don't look down. Keep on moving. Don't look down. {Gasps} -Shrek! I'm lookin' down! Oh, God, I can't do this! Just let me off, please! -But you're already halfway. -But I know that half is safe! -Okay, fine. I don't have time for this. You go back. -Shrek, no! Wait! -Just, Donkey - - Let's have a dance then, shall me? -Don't do that! -Oh, I'm sorry. Do what? -Oh, this? -Yes, that! -Yes? Yes, do it. Okay. {Screams} -No, Shrek! No! Stop it! -You said do it! I'm doin' it. -I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die. Oh! -That'll do, Donkey. That'll do. -Cool. -So where is this fire-breathing pain-in-the-neck anyway? -Inside, waiting for us to rescue her. {Chuckles} -I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek. {Water dripping, wind howling} -You afraid? -No. -But - - - Shh. -Oh, good. Me neither. {Gasps} -'Cause there's nothin' wrong with bein' afraid. Fear's a sensible response to an unfamiliar situation. Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I might

add. With a dragon that breathes fire and eats knights and breathes fire, it sure doesn't mean you're a coward if you're a little scared. I sure as heck ain't no coward. I know that. {Gasps} -Donkey, two things, okay? Shut ... up. Now go over there and see if you can find any stairs. -Stairs? I thought we was lookin' for the princess. -The princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest tower. -What makes you think she'll be there? -I read it in a book once. -Cool. You handle the dragon. I'll handle the stairs. I'll find those stairs. I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs won't know which way they're goin'. {Creacing} -I'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it to the curb. Don't mess with me. I'm the stair master. I've mastered the stairs. I wish I had a step right here. I'd step all over it. -Well, at least we know where the princess is, but where's the - - -Dragon! {Screams} {Gasps} {Roars} -Donkey, look out! {Screams} {Whimpering} -Got ya! {Roars} {Gasps} {Shouts} -Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! {Screaming} {Gasps} -Oh! Aah! Aah! {Gasping} {Crowls} -No. Oh, no, No! {Screams} -Oh, what large teeth you have. {Crowls} -I mean white, sparkling teeth. I know you probably hear this all time from your food, but you must bleach, 'cause that is one dazzling smile you got there. Do I detect a hint of minty freshness? And you know what else? You're - - You're a girl dragon! Oh, sure! I mean, of course you're a girl dragon. You're just reeking of feminine beauty. What's the matter with you? You got something in your eye? Ohh. Oh. Oh. Man, I'd really love to stay, but you know, I'm, uh - - (Coughs) -I'm an asthmatic, and I don't know if it'd work out if you're gonna blow smoke rings. Shrek! {Gasps} {Whimpering} -No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! {Groans, Sighs} {Vocalizing} -Oh! Oh! -Wake up! -What? -Are you Princess Fiona? -I am, awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me. -Oh, that's nice. Now let's go! -But wait, Sir Knight. This be-ith our first meeting. Should it not be a wonderful, romantic moment? -Yeah, sorry, lady. There's no time. -Hey, wait. What are you doing? You should sweep me off my feet out yonder window and down a rope onto your valiant steed. -You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you? -Mm-hmm. {Screams, grunts} -But we have to savor this moment! You could recite an epic poem for me. A ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something! -I don't think so. -Can I at least know the name of my champion? -Um, Shrek. -Sir Shrek. {Cleans throat} -I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude. -Thanks! {Roaring} -You didn't slay the dragon? -It's on my to-do list. Now come on! {Screams} -But this isn't right! You were meant to charge in, sword drawn, banner flying. That's what all the other knights did. -Yeah, right before they burst into flame. -That's not the point. Oh! -Wait. Where are you going? The next's over there. -Well, I have to save my ass. -What kind of knight are you? -One of a kind. -Slow down. Slow down, baby, please. I believe it's healthy to get to know someone over a long perriod of time. Just call me old-fashioned. {Laughs} -I don't want to rush into a physical relationship. I'm not emotionally ready for a commitment of, uh, this - - Magnitude really is the word I'm looking for. Magnitude- - Hey, that is unwanted physical contact. Hey, what are you doing? Okay, okay. Let's just back up a little and take this one step at a time. We really should get to know each other first as friends or pen pals. I'm on the road a lot, but I just love receiving cards - - I'd really love to stay, but - - Don't do that! That's my tail! That's my personal tail. You're gonna tear it off. I don't give permission - - What are you gonna do with that? Hey, now. No way. No! No! No, no! No. No, no, no. No! Oh! {Growls} {Roaring} {Gasps} -Hi, Princess! -It talks! -Yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's the trick. {Screams} {Screaming} -Oh! {Thuds} {Groans} {Roars}

{Roaring} -Okay, you two, heard for the exit! I'll take care of the dragon. {Fchoing} -Run! {Gasping} {Screaming} {Roaring} {Screams} {Roars} {Panting, sighs} {Whimpers} {Roars} -You did it! -You rescued me! You're amazing. You're - - You're wonderful. You're... a little unorthodox I'll admit. But they deed is great, and thine heart is pure. I am eternally in your debt. {Clears throat} -And where would a brave knight be without his noble steed? -I hope you heard that. She called me a noble steed. She think I'm a steed. -The battle is won. You may remove your helmet, good Sir Knight. -Uh, no. -Why not? -I have helmet hair. -Please. I would'st look upon the face of my rescuer. -No, no, you wouldn't - - 'st. -But how will you kiss me? -What? That wasn't in the job description. -Maybe it's a perk. -No, it's destiny. Oh, you must know how it goes. A princess locked in a tower and beset by a dragon is rescued by a brave knight, and then they share true love's first kiss. -Hmm? With Shrek? You think- - Wait. Wait. You think that Shrek is you true love? -Well, yes. {Laughing} -You think Shrek is your true love! -What is so funny? -Let's just say I'm not your tipe, okay? -Of course, you are. You're my rescuer. Now - - Now remove your helmet. -Look. I really don't think this is a good idea. -Just take off the helmet. -I'm not going to. -Take ot off. -No! -Now! -Okay! Easy. As you command. Your Highness. -You- - You're a- - an orge. -Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming. -Well, yes, actually. Oh, no. This is all wrong. You're not supposed to be an orge. {Sighs} -Princess, I was sent to rescue you by Lord Farquaad, okay? He is the one who wants to marry you. -Then why didn't he come rescue me? -Good question. You should ask him that when we get there. -But I have to be rescued by my true love, not by some prge and his- - his pet. -So much for noble steed. -You're not making my job any easier. -I'm sorry, but your job is not my problem. You can tell Lord Farquaad that if he wants to rescue me properly, I'll be waiting for him right here. -Hey! I'm no one's messenger boy, all right? I'm a delivery boy. -You wouldn't dare. Put me down! -Ya comin', Donkey? -I'm right behind ya. -Put me down, or you will suffer the consequences! This is not dignified! Put me down! -Okay, so here's another question. Say there's a woman that digs you, right, but you don't really like her that way. How do you let her down real easy so her feelings aren't hurt, but you don't get burned to a crisp and eaten? -You just tell her she's not your true love. Everyone knowest what happens when you find your - - Hey! {Sighs} -The sooner we get to DuLoc the better. -You're gonna love it there, Princess. It's beautiful! -And what of my groom-to-be? Lord Farquaad? What's he like? -Let me put it this way, Princess. Men of Farquaad's stature are in short supply. {Laughs} -I don't know. There are those who think little of him. -Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You're just jealous you can never measure up to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad. -Yeah, well, maybe you're right, Princess. But I'll let you do the "measuring" when you see him tomorrow. -Tomorrow? It'll take that long? Shouldn't we stop to make camp? -No, that'll take longer. We can keep going. -But there's robbers in the woods. -Whoa! Time out, Shrek! Camping's starting to sound good. -Hey, come on. I'm scarier than anything we're going to see in this forest. -I need to find somewhere to camp now! {Birds wings fluttering} {Grunting} -Hey! Over here. -Shrek, we can do better than that. I don't think this is fit for a princess. -No, no, it's perfect. It just needs a few homey touches. -Homey touches? Like what? {Crashing} -A door? Well, gentlemen, I bid thee good night. -You want me to read you a bedtime story? I will. -I said good night! -Shrek, What are you doing? {Laughs} -I just- - You know - - Oh, come on. I was just kidding. {Fire cracking} -And, uh, that one, that's

Throwback, the only orge to ever spit over three wheat fields. Right. Yeah. -Hey, can you tell my future from these stars? -The stars don't tell the future, Donkey. They tell stories. Look, there's Bloodnut, the Flatulent. You can guess what he's famous for. -I know you're making this up. -No, look. There he is, and there's the group of hunters running away from his stench. -That ain't nothin' but a bunch of little dots. -You know, Donkey, sometimes things are more than they appear. Hmm? Forget it. {Sighs} -Hey, Shrek, what we gonna do when we get our swamp anyway? -Our swamp? -You know, when we're through rescuing the princess. -We? Donkey, there's no "we". There's no "our". There's just me and my swamp. The first thing I'm gonna do is build a ten-foot wall arond my land. -You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me real deep just now. You know what I think? I think this whole wall thing is just a way to keep somebody out. -No, do ya think? -Are you hidin' something? -Never mind, Donkey. -Oh, this is another one of those onion things, isn't it? -No, this is one of those drop-it and leave-it alone things. -Why don't you want to talk about it? -Why do you want to talk about it? -Why are you blocking? -I'm not blocking. -Oh, yes, you are. -Donkey, I'm warning you. -Who you trying to keep out? -Everyone! Okay? -Oh, now we're gettin' somewhere. -Oh! For the love of Pete! -What's your problem? What you got against the whole world anyway? -Look, I'm not the one with the problem, okay? It's the world that seems to have a problem with me. People take one look at me and go. "Aah! Help! Run! A big, stupid, ugly orge!" They judge me before they even know me. That's why I'm better off alone. -You know what? When we met, I didn't think you was just a big, stupid, ugly orge. -Yeah, I know. -So, uh, are there any donkeys up there? -Well, there's, um, Gabby, the Small and Annoying. -Okay, okay, I see it now. The big shiny one, right there. That one there? -That's the moon. -Oh, okay. {Orchestra} {Dulcimer} -Again, show me again. Mirror, mirror, show her to me. Show me the princess. -Hmph. -Ah. Perfect. {Inhales} {Snoring} {Vocalizing} {Whistling} {Sizzling} {Sniffs, yawns} -Mmm, yeah, you know I like it like that. --Come on, baby. I said I like it. -Donkey, wake up. -Huh? What? -Wake up. -What? -Good morning. Hm, how do you like your eggs? -Good morning, Princess! -What's all this about? -You know, we kind of got off to a bad start yesterday. I wanted to make it up to you. I mean, after all, you did rescue me. -Uh, thanks. {Sniffs} -Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead of us. {Belches} -Shrek! -What? It's a compliment. Better out than in, I always say. {Laughs} -Well, it's no way to behave in front of a princess. {Belches} -Thanks. -She's as nasty as you are. -{Laughs} You know, you're not exactly what I expected. -Well, maybe you shouldn't judge people before you get to know them. {Vocalizing} -La liberte! Hey! -Princess! {Laughs} -What are you doing? -Be still, mon cherie, for I am you savior! And I am rescuing you from this green - - {Kissing sounds} -beast. -Hey! -That's my princess! Go find you own! -Please, monster! Can't you see I'm a little busy here? -Look, pal, I don't know who you think you are! -Oh! Of couse! Oh, how rude. Please let me introduse myself. Oh, Merry Men. {Laughs} {Accordion} Ta, dah, dah, dah, whoo. I steal from the rich and give to the needy. He takes a wee percentage, But I'm not greedy. I rescue pretty damsels Man, I'm good What a guy, Monsieur Hood Break it down I like an honest fight and a saucy little maid What he's basically saying is he likes to get - - Paid So When an orge in the bush grabs a lady by the tush That's bad That's bad When a beauty's with a beast it makes me awfully mad He's mad He's really, really mad I'll take my blade and ram it through your heart Keep your eyes on me, boys 'cause I'm about to start {Grunts, Groans} {Karate Yell}

{Merry Men Gasping} {Panting} -Man, that was annoying! -Oh, you little- - {Karate Yell} {Accordion} {Shouting, groaning} {Chuckles} -Uh, shall we? -Hold the phone. {Grunts} Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on now. Where did that come from? -What? -That! Back there. That was amazing! Where did you learn that? -Well - - {Chuckles} When one lives alone, uh, one has to learn these things in case there's a - - There's an arrow in your butt! -What? Oh, would you look at that? -Oh, no. This is all my fault. I'm so sorry. -Why? What's wrong? -Shrek's hurt. -Shrek's hurt. Shrek's hurt? Oh, no, Shrek's gonna die. -Donkey, I'm okay. -You can't do this to me, Shrek. I'm too young for you to die. Keep you legs elevated. Turn your head and cough. Does anyone know the Heimlich? -Donkey! Calm down. If you want to help Shrek, run into the woods and find me a blue flower with red thorns. -Blue flower, red thorns. Okay, I'm on it. Blue flower, red thorns. Don't die Shrek. If you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light! -{Both} Donkey! -Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns. -What are the flowers for? -For getting rid of Donkey. -Ah. -Now you hold still, and I'll yank this thing out. -Ow! Hey! Easy with the yankin'. -I'm sorry, but it has to come out. -No, it's tender. -Now, hold on. -What you're doing is the opposite of help. -Don't move. -Look, time out. -Would you - - {Grunts} -Okay. What do you propose we do? -Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn't color-blind! Blue flower, red thorns. -Ow! -Hold on, Shrek! I'm comin'! -Ow! Not good. -Okay. Okay. I can nearly see the head. {Grunts} -It's just about - - -Ow! Ohh! -Ahem. -Nothing happend. We were just, uh - - -Look, if you wanted to be alone, all you had to do was ask. Okay? -Oh, come on! That's the last thing on my mind. The princess here was just- - Ugh! -Ow! -Hey, what's that? {Nervous chickle} -That's- - Is that blood? {Sighs} {Bird chirping} {Grunts} My beloved monster and me We go everywhere together Wearin' a raincoat that has four sleeves Gets us through all kinds of weather -Aah! She will always be the only thing That comes between me and the awful sting That comes from living in a world that's so damn mean {Croaks} Oh, oh-oh-oh-oh -Hey! La-la, la-la, la-la-la-la {Both laughing} La-la, la-la, la-la -There it is, Princess. Your future awaits you. -That's DuLoc? -Yeah, I know. You know, Shrek thinks Lord Farquaad's compensating for something, which I think means he has a really - - Ow! -Um, I, uh- - I guess we better move on. -Sure. But, Shrek? I'm - - I'm worried about Donkey. {Blubbering} -What? -I mean, look at him. He doesn't look so good. -What are you talking about? I'm fine. -That's what they always say, and then next thing you know, you're on your back. Dead. -You know, she's right. You look awful. Do you want to sit down? -Uh, you know, I'll make you some tea. -I didn't want to say nothin', but I got this twinge in my neck, and when I turn my head like this, look, {Bones crunch} -Ow! See? -Who's hungry? I'll find us some dinner. -I'll get the firewood. -Hey, where you goin'? Oh, man, I can't feel my toes! I don't have any toes! I think I need a hug. -Mmm. This is good. This is really good. What is this? -Uh, weedrat. Rotisserie style. -No kidding. Well, this is delicious. -Well, they're also great in stews. Now, I don't mean to brag, but I make a mean weedrat stew. {Chuckling} {Sighs} -I guess I'll be dining a little differently tomorrow night. {Gulps} -Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime. I'll cook all kind of stuff for you. Swamp toad soup, fish eye tartare - - you name it. {Chuckles} -I'd like that. {Slurps, laughs} See the pyramids along the Nile -Um, Princess? Watch the sunrise from a tropic isle -Yes, Shrek? -I, um, I was wondering. Just remember, darling all the while -Are you- - You belong to me

{Sighs} -Are you gonna eat that? {Chuckles} -Man, isn't this romantic? Just look at that sunset. -Sunset? -Oh, no! I mean, it's late. I-It's very late. -What? -Wait a minute. I see what's goin' on here. You're afraid of the dark, aren't you? -Yes! Yes, that's it. I'm terrified. You know, I'd better go inside. -Don't feel bad, Princess. I used to be afraid of the dark, too, until - - Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of the dark. {Shrek sighs} -Good night. -Good night. {Door creaks} -Ohh! Now I really see what's goin' on here. -Oh, what are you talkin' about? -I don't even wanna hear it. Look, I'm an animal, and I got instincts. And I know you two were diggin' on each other. I could feel it. -You're crazy. I'm just bringing her back to Farquaad. -Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell the pheromones. Just go on in and tell her how you feel. -I- - There's nothing to tell. Besides, even if I did tell her that, well, you know - - and I'm not sayin' I do 'cause I don't - - she's a princess, and I'm - - -An orge? -Yeah. An orge. -Hey, where you goin'? -To get... move firewood. {Sighs} -Princess? Princess Fiona? Princess, where are you? {Wings fluttering} -Princess? {Creaking} {Gasps} -It's very spooky in here. I ain't playing no games. {Screams} -Aah! -Oh, no! -No, help! -Shh! -Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! -No, it's okay. It's okay. -What did you do with the princess? -Donkey, I'm the princess. -Aah! -It's me, in this body. -Oh, my God! You ate the princess. Can you hear me? -Donkey! -Listen, keep breathing! I'll get you out of there! -No! -Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! -Shh. -Shrek! -This is me. {Muffled mumbling} -Princess? What happened to you? You're, uh, uh, uh, different. -I'm ugly, okay? -Well, yeah! Was it something you ate? 'Cause I told Shrek those rats was a bad idea. You are what you eat, I said. Now - - -No. -I - - I've been this way as long as I can remember. -What do you mean? Look, I ain't never seen you like this before. -It's only happens when sun goes down. "By night one way, by day another. This shall be the norm... until you find true love's first kiss... and then take love's true form." -Ah, that's beautiful. I didn't know you wrote poetry. -It's a spell. {Sighs} -When I was a little girl, a witch cast a spell on me. Every night I become this. This horrible, ugly beast! I was placed in a tower to await the day my true love would rescue me. That's why I have to marry Lord Farquaad tomorrow before the sun sets and he sees me like this. {Sobs} -All right, all right. Calm down. Look, it's not that bad. You're not that ugly. Well, I ain't gonna lie. You are ugly. But you only look like this at night. Shrek's ugly 24-7. -But Donkey, I'm a princess, and this is not how a princess is meant to look. -Princess, how 'bout if you don't marry Farquaad? -I have to. Only my true love's kiss can break the spell. -But, you know, um, you're kind of an orge, and Shrek - - well, you got a lot in common. -Shrek? -Princess, I - - Uh, how's it going, first of all? Good? Um, good for me too. I'm okay. I saw this flower and thought of you because it's pretty and - - well, I don't really like it, but I thought you might like it 'cause you're pretty. But I like you anyway. I'd - - uh, uh - - {Sighs} -I'm in trouble. Okay, here we go. -I can't just marry whoever I want. Take a good look at me, Donkey. I mean, really, who can ever love a beast so hideous and ugly? "Princess" and "ugly" don't go together. That's why I can't stay here with Shrek. {Gasps} -My only chance to live happily ever after is to marry my true love. {Deep sigh} -Don't you see, Donkey? That's just how it has to be. It's the only way to break the spell. -You at least gotta tell Shrek the truth. -No! You can't breathe a word. No one must ever know. -What's the point of being able to talk if you gotta keep secrets? -Promise you won't tell. Promise! -All right, all right. I won't tell him. But you should. I just know before this is over, I'm

gonna need a whole lot of serious therapy. -Look at my eye twitchin'. {Door opens} {Snoring} -I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him. -Shrek! Shrek, there's something I want - - {Snoring} -Shrek. Are you all right? -Perfect! Never been better. -I - - I don't - - There's something I have to tell you. -You don't have to tell me anything, Princess. I heard enough last night. -You heard what I said? -Every word. -I thought you'd understand. -Oh, I undersatnd. Like you said, "Who could love a hideous, ugly beast?" -But I thought that wouldn't matter to you. -Yeah? Well, it does. {Gasps, sighs} -Ah, right on time. {Horse whinnies} -Princess, I've brought you a little something. {Fanfare} {Yawns} -What'd I miss? What'd I miss? {Muffled} -Who said that? Couldn't have been a donkey. -Princess Fiona. -As promised. Now hand it over. -Very well, orge. The deed to your swamp, cleared out, as agreed. -Take it and go before I change my mind. -Forgive me, Princess, for startling you, but you startled me, for I have never seen such a radiant beauty before. I'm Lord Farquaad. -Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no. {Snaps fingers} -Forgive me, my lord, for I was just saying a short... farewell. -Oh, that is so sweet. You don't have to waste good manners on the orge. It's not like it has feelings. -No, you're right. It doesn't. -Princess Fiona, beautiful, fair, flawerss Fiona. I ask your hand in marriage. {Gasps} -Will you be the perfect bride for the perfect groom? -Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would make - - -Excellent! I'll start the plans, for tomorrow we wed! -No! I mean, uh, why wait? Let's get married today before the sun sets. -Oh, anxious, are you? You're right. The sooner, the better. There's so much to do! Threre's the caterer, the cake, the band, the guest list. Captain, round up some guests! -Fare-thee-well, orge. -Shrek, what are you doing? You're letting her get away. -Yeah? So what? -Shrek, there's something about her you don't know. Look, I talked to her last night, She's - - -I know you talked to her last night. You're great pals, aren't ya? Now, if you two are such good friends, why don't you follow her home? -Shrek, I - - I wanna go with you. -I told you, didn't I? You're not coming home with me. I live alone! My swamp! Me! Nobody else! Understand? Nobody! Especially useless, pathetic, annoying, talking donkeys! -But I thought - - -Yeah. You know what? You tought wrong! -Shrek. I heard there was a secret chord That David played and it pleased the Lord But you don't really care for music, do ya It goes like this the fourth, the fifth The minor fall the major lift The baffled king composing hallelujah Hallelujah, hallelujah Baby, I've been here before I know this room I've walked this floor I used to live alone before I knew you I've seen your flag on the marble arch But love is not a victory march It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah Hallelujah, hallelujah And all I ever learned from love Is how to shoot at someone Who outdrew you {Moaning} And it's not a cry you can hear at night It's not somebody who's seen the light It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah {Moaning} Hallelujah, hallelujah {Thumping sound} -Donkey? {Grunts} -What are you doing? -I would think, of all people, you would recognize a wall when you see one. -Well, yeah. But the wall's supposed to go around my swamp, not through it. -It is around your half. See that's your half, and this is my half. -Oh! Your half. Hmm. -Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess. I did half the work. I get half the booty. Now hand me that big old rock, the one that looks like your head. -Back off! -No, you back off. -This is my swamp! -Our swamp. -Let go, Donkey! -You let go. -Stubborn jackass! -Smelly orge. -Fine! -Hey, hey, come back here. I'm not through with you yet. -Well, I'm through with you. -Uh-uh. You know, with you it's always, "Me, me, me!" Well, guess what! Now it's my turn! So you just shut up

and pay attention! You are mean to me. You insult me and you don't appreciate anything that I do! You're always pushing me around or pushing me away. -Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so bad, how come you came back? -Because that's what friends do! They forgive each other! -Oh, yeah. You're right, Donkey. I forgive you... for stabbin' me in the back! -Ohh! You're so wrapped up in layers, onion boy, you're afraid of your own feelings. -Go away! -There you are , doing it again just like you did to Fiona. All she ever do was like you, maybe even love you. -Love me? She said I was ugly, a hideous creature. I heard the two of you talking. -She wasn't talkin' about you. She was talkin' about, uh, somebody else. -She wasn't talking about me? Well, then who was she talking about? -Uh-uh, no way. I ain't saying anything. You don't wanna listen to me. Right? Right? -Donkey! -No! -Okay, look. I'm sorry, all right? {Sighs} -I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big, stupid, ugly orge. Can you forgive me? -Hey, that's what friends are for, right? -Right. Friends? -Friends. -So, um, what did Fiona say about me? -What are you asking me for? Why don't you just go ask her? -The wedding! We'll never make it in time. -Ha-ha-ha! Never fear, for where, there's a will, there's a way and I have a way. {Whistles} -Donkey? -I guess it's just my animal magnetism. {Laughing} -Aw, come here, you. -All right, all right.Don't get all slobbery. No one likes a kiss ass. All right, hop on and hold on tight. I haven't had a chance to install the seat belts yet. -Whoo! {Bells tolling} {All gasping} -People of DuLoc, we gather here today to bear witnss to the union.... -Um- -of our new king - - -Excuse me. Could we just skip ahead to the "I do's"? {Chuckling} -Go on. -Go ahead, HAVE SOME FUN. If we need you, I'll whistle. How about that? Shrek, wait, wait! Wait a minute! You wanna do this right, don't you? -What are you talking about? -There's a line you gotta wait for. The preacher's gonna say, "Speak now or forever hold your peace." That's when you say, "I object!" -I don't have time for this! -Hey, wait. What are you doing? Listen to me! Look, you love this woman, don't you? -Yes. -You wanna hold her? -Yes. -Please her? -Yes! -Then you got to, got to try a little tenderness. The chicks love that romantic crap! -All right! Cut it out. When does this guy say the line? -We gotta check it out. -And so, by the power vested in me, -What do you see? -The whole town's in there. -I now pronounce you husband and wife, -They're at the altar. -king and queen. -Mother Fletcher! He already said it. -Oh, for the love of Pete! {Grunts} -I object! -Shrek? {Gasps} -Oh, now what does he want? -Hi, everyone. Havin' a good time, are ya? I love DuLoc, first at all. Very clean. -What are you doing here? -Really, it's rude enough being alive when no one wants you, but showing up uninvited to a wedding - - -Fiona! I need to talk to you. -Oh, now you wanna talk? It's a little late for that, so if you'll excuse me - - -But you can't marry him. -And why not? -Because- - Because he's just marring you so he can be king. -Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him. -He's not your true love. -And what do you know about true love? -Well, I - - Uh - - I mean - - -Oh, this is precious. The orge has fallen in love with the princess! Oh, good Lord. {Crowd laughting} -An orge and a princess! -Shrek, is this true? -Who cares? It's preposterous! Fiona, my love, we're but a kiss away from our "happily ever after." Now kiss me! Mmmmm! -"By night one way, by day another." I wanted to show you before. {Whimpers} {Crown gasping} -Well, uh, that explains a lot. -Ugh! It's disgusting! Guards! Guards! I order you to get that out of my sight now! Get them! Get them both! -No, no! -Shrek! -This hocus-pocus alters nothing. This marriage is binding, and that makes me king! See? See? -No, let go of me! Shrek! -No! -Don't just stand there, you morons. -Get out of my way!

Fiona! Arrgh! -I'll make you regret the day we met. I'll see you drawn and quartered! -You'll beg for death to save you! -No, Shrek! -And as for you, my wife, -Fiona! -I'll have you locked back in that tower for the rest of your days! -I'm king! {Whistles} -I will have order! I will have perfection! I will have - - Aaaah! -Aah! -All right. Nobody move. I got a dragon here, and I'm not afraid to use it. {Roars} -I'm a donkey on the edge! {Belches} -Celebrity marriages. They never last, do they? {Cheering} -Go ahead, Shrek. -Uh, Fiona? -Yes, Shrek? -I - - I love you. -Really? -Really, really. - I love you too. -Aawww! -"Until you find true love's first kiss and then take love's true form." -"Take love's true form. Take love's true form." -Fiona? Fiona. Are you all right? -Well, yes. But I don't understand. I'm supposed to be beautiful. -But you ARE beautiful. {Chuckles} -I was hoping this would be a happy ending. I thought love was only true in fairy tales Oy! Meant for someone else but not for me Love was out to get me That's the way it seemed Disappointment haunted all my dreams And then I saw her face Now I'm a believer and not a trace Of doubt in my mind I'm in love Ooh-aah I'm a believer I couldn't leave her If I tried -God bless us, every one. Come on, y'all! Then I saw her face Ha-ha Now I'm a believer Listen! Not a trace Of doubt in my mind I'm in love Ooh-aah I'm a believer I couldn't leave her if I tried -Ooh! -Uh! Then I saw her face Now I'm a believer Hey! Not a trace Uhh! Yeah. Of doubt in my mind -One more time! I'm in love I'm a believer Come on! I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, hey Y'all sing it with me! I Believe I believe People in the back! I believe I'm a believer I believe I believe I believe I believe {Hysterical laughing} -Oh, that's funny. Oh. Oh. -I can't breathe. I can't breathe. I believe in self-assertion Destiny or a slight diversion Now it seems I've got my head on straight I'm a freak an apparition Seems I've made the right decision To try to turn back now it might be too late Now I want to stay home today Don't wanna go out If anyone comes to play Gonna get thrown out I wanna stay home today Don't want no company No way Yeah, yeah, yeah I wanna be a millionaire someday But know what it feels like to give it away Watch me march to the beat of my own drum And it's off to the moon and then back again Same old day Same situation My happiness rears back as if to say I wanna stay home today Don't wanna go out If anyone comes to play Gonna get thrown out I wanna stay home today Don't want no company No way Yeah, yeah, yeah I wanna stay home, stay home, stay home......... I get such a thrill when you look in my eyes My heart skips a beat Girl, I feel so alive Please tell me, baby, if all this is true 'Cause deep down inside all I wanted was you Oh-oh-oh Makes me wanna dance Oh-oh-oh It's a new romance Oh-oh-oh I look into your eyes Oh-oh-oh The best years of our lives When we first met I could hardly believe The things that would happen and we could achieve So let's be together for all of our time Oh, girl, I'm so thankful that you are still mine You always consider me like an ugly duckling And treat me like a Nostradamus was why I had to get my shine on I break a little something to keep my mind on 'Cause you had my mind gone Eh-eh, eh-eh, eh-eh Turn the lights on, Come on, baby Let's just rewind the song 'Cause all I want to do is make the rest years the best years All night long Oh-oh-oh Makes me wanna dance Makes me wanna dance Oh-oh-oh It's a new romance It's a new romance Oh-oh-oh I look into your eyes Oh, yeah, yeah I look into your eyes Oh-oh-oh The best years of our lives Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.............. Everything looks bright Standing in your light Everything feels right What's left is out of sight What's a girl

to do I'm telling you You're on my mind I wanna be with you 'Cause when you're standin' next to me It's like wow And all your kisses seem to set me free It's like wow And when we touch it's such a rush I can't get enough It's like- - It's like Ooh-ooh Hey, what It's like wow Ooh-ooh, hey Hey, yeah It's like wow Everything is looking right now, right now It's like wow And I got this feeling This feeling it's just like wow It's just like wow You are all I'm thinking of. Like wow Everything feels right Everything feels right Like wow Everything looks bright All my senses are right Like wow Everything feels right Baby, baby, baby the way I'm feeling you Is like wow There is something that I see In the way you look at me There's a smile There's a truth In your eyes What an unexpected way On this unexpected day Could it be This is where I belong It is you I have loved All long There's no more mystery It is finally clear to me You're the home my heart's searched for So long It is you I have loved All long Whoa, over and over I'm filled with emotion As I look Into your perfect face