#they werent going to tell her about the camera? uh doesnt she get changed in her room?

[dorizardthewizard]

The Revival of Akillian: Chapter 13

Prologue / Chapter 12 / Chapter 14

13. MELTING ICE

“We have given our daughter Tia permission to play on your team,” the man says stiffly. The woman hugs him, all smiles, and adds, “We’re very proud of her, Mr. Aarch!”

Tia watches the scene again on the giant screen, framed by two slim poplar trees, which sit in the middle of the huge living room of her parents’ residence on Obia. Head down, hands behind her back, she feels small. She does not even marvel at the magnificent spectacle offered by the large bay windows: Akillian rolling like a cosmic gemstone in a black case studded with the stars of space. A show that awakened in her many dreams (how can we live in this world of ice?) then many desires, when she learned that the great Aarch was there to form a new Galactik Football team... but there you go, the dream was shattered in the gloved hands of those polite but obtuse police officers, who by force brought her back to her parents’ home.

They are seated opposite Tia, stiff and prim on their leather sofa of Gnok hide (this large mammal has become extremely rare, but still haunts the icy slopes of the Akillian mountains). Beside them stands Stella, the housekeeper, silent and compassionate, also in trouble, for it was she who helped Tia escape. Tia does not know how her parents got a copy of this recording - her little trick, concocted with the help of Stella, which served her well in convincing Aarch...

- Actors, Tia, actors! - cries her exasperated mother. - Do you realize that you made these people pretend to be your real parents?

- You would never have given me permission. - Tia reproaches sulkily.

- Of course not, that’s obvious! - confirms her father. - Football is not an activity worthy of your social standing. - he adds in this virtuous tone, no doubt greatly appreciated at embassy receptions, but which has the gift of infuriating his daughter to the highest degree.

- You are an ambassador’s daughter, Tia, you must never forget that! - her mother adds.

- How could I forget! You’ve told me every day since I was born!

Tia’s father grasps his beardless chin between thumb and forefinger, a tic that occurs when he experiences annoyance.

- Alright, I’m sure you understand our position. In this case, the case is closed. Let’s not talk about it anymore, Tia, you understand?

The young girl lets out her anger:

- Isn’t it your job to talk? You make speeches to all the peoples of the Galaxy, but, for me, you never have time! I’ve had longer conversations with “these people” as you say, than I’ve ever had with you!

- Tia, you are not here to argue, but to obey! - snaps her father. - Is that understood, my daughter?

- And please, don’t compare us to those actors. - adds her mother.

- Yes, you’re right, mother... that would be giving you too much credit!

- Tia! - roars the diplomat, rising to his feet.

- At least they’re passionate about something!

- Tia, now that’s enough! - rebukes her mother. With tears in her eyes, the young girl leaves the living room, under the saddened gaze of her housekeeper.

- What are you still doing here? - thunders the ambassador. - Don’t you have anything better to do?

- Yes sir, forgive me. – mutters Stella, slipping away.

She joins Tia in her room, which is as large as a tennis court. She is collapsed on the satin sheets of her four-poster bed, sobbing hot tears. Stella sits down next to her, stroking her silver hair.

- Calm down, Tia. It’s alright…

- But you don’t understand, Stella! I was happy there, I could finally do what I love... (Tia sits up briskly) I absolutely have to go back!

Stella rests her index finger on her lips, puffing her round cheeks.

- What’s the matter? - Tia asks in a low voice.

The housekeeper looks over her little triangular glasses to the jade statuette of an angel sitting on a pedestal. Intrigued, Tia approaches it and studies the figurine... then quickly spots the anomaly: a micro-camera has been embedded in one of the eyes.

Tia is shocked: her parents have her watched like a prisoner! She sticks her tongue out at the camera, giving it a hideous grimace.

- Charming, this rich kid! - notes one of the two agents assigned to the central monitoring station, seeing Tia’s grimace on his monitors.

His colleague turns his back on him, inspecting other parts of the vast mansion of the ambassadors... although, for now, the only screen that catches his attention is that of a small monitor not at all connected to the surveillance network, but to TTV, which broadcasts Arcadia News. The guard shrugs his shoulders.

- Well, she can do whatever she wants, as long as she doesn’t stop me from watching my show...

***

Famous Arcadia News anchor Nork Ag’net has invited two eminent Galactik Football experts to his table, who are intellectually debating the chances of either side being selected for the next Cup.

- For me, the Lightnings are the favorites for the next Galactik Football Cup, - one says. – There’s no doubt about it, just look at Warren, he’s never been in better shape!

- Yes, but you shouldn’t disregard the Shadows so quickly, - the other retorts. - Their last friendlies have been remarkable!

- What about Akillian? - Nork says with a smirk.

- Akillian?! - the specialist laughs out loud - Blessed Nork, always a laugh!

- They don’t even have a flux! - his colleague sneers.

- Why shouldn’t they? They’ve had one in the past. - says Nork in his smooth voice.

- We still need to know which team we are talking about, - remarks the second specialist, a small, fat man with large square glasses. - Artegor Nexus’s Red Tigers, or, what are their names again? Aarch’s team?

- The Snow Kids. - answers Nork.

- Yes, that’s it. The game to decide between them has yet to take place, as far as I know. Better to wait...

- Besides, it’s not guaranteed that it will even take place as planned, - adds his colleague, an angular guy with a bald head. - Last I heard, Akillian Stadium is still frozen in ice!

Nork Ag’net takes that as an opportunity to move onto the next part of their broadcast, pivoting to the giant holo-screen next to him:

- Exactly, now let’s turn to the lovely Callie Mystic, live from Akillian, and get her first impressions. So, Callie, everyone’s talking about that famous game on Akillian, right?

Callie appears on the giant screen, microphone in hand, caught on camera by her trusty flying holo-cam. Behind her is the decor of an all-glass club, almost empty: only a few seats are occupied, and three or four people watch with jaded eyes the screens showing the teams, matches and bets. One of Ballow’s henchmen prowls from table to table, hustling up who knows what, and often receiving annoyed refusals.

- Well no, not really, Nork. - Callie replies. - You know, here, since the great ice age, football has largely lost its popularity. I’m currently in the GF’s fan temple, Planet Akillian, and to say the least, it’s not crowded...

- It seems that there are doubts about the choice of the stadium. What’s the situation, Callie? - asks Nork.

- It is true that the ice still covers the Arena Stadium, however, Aarch has promised the League that he will be able to host tomorrow’s game. But anyway, if the pundits are to be believed, the result has already been decided and Aarch has serious problems, since his team is given a 90% chance of losing, right, sir?

Callie turns to Ballow’s man, sticking her microphone under his nose.

- Uh, absolutely. - he answers hesitantly. - We know for a fact that the Snow Kids don’t stand a chance. (He shrugs his shoulders fatalistically) In fact, the fans are so sure of this that they don’t even want to bet...

***

In the underground depths of the Arena Stadium, Clamp, kneeling on the metal floor and surrounded by various tools, bangs with a hammer on a sort of case - a very tricky way to carry out repairs, thinks Aarch, watching him. Both are surrounded by an imposing machinery, made up of pipes, cables, ducts, tanks and other devices that sink into the darkness, which is barely pushed aside by a glowing work lamp.

No doubt having hammered enough, Clamp grabs the case with both hands and inserts it into its slot, at the bottom of a metal column in which a grille emits a flickering bluish glow. After that, the scientist goes to a control panel, pressing a few keys. Nothing seems to happen - at least, nothing that he had hoped for.

- So, Clamp?

The latter turns to his friend, his features tinged with weariness and discouragement.

- Mmh... the heating circuit looks like it’s completely out of order. I’m sorry, Aarch...

- We have to do this at all costs! I’m counting on you!

Clamp watches Aarch leave the technical room, rubbing his goatee, looking distraught. He wipes his sweaty forehead with his hand soaked in machine oil, and selflessly goes back to work.

Aarch enters the holo-trainer room where, in the big white cube, the Snow Kids are training against a team of blue sims. Ahito has just stopped a shot on goal and, with a masterful shot, passes to his sim-marked brother. Thran kicks the ball back to Micro-Ice, who has fun dribbling past a sim with one of those pirouettes he’s so fond of - much to the chagrin of Rocket, who is raising an arm wryly.

- Micro-Ice, stop hogging the ball! - calls Aarch, who is following the action on the console monitor.

- Just had to ask! - retorts Tia’s replacement.

Assaulted by two blue players, he sends the ball to D’jok who, immediately marked, passes it to Sinedd. Sim defenders fall back on the latter, freeing D’jok who, logically, should get the ball back. But Sinedd struggles to dribble past both sims - one of whom rips in front of him to tackle him. Sinedd tumbles over and inevitably loses the ball...

Outside the holo-trainer, Aarch pauses the game: the ball vanishes in a shower of pixels.

It’s D’jok’s turn to raise his arms to the sky. He confronts Sinedd:

- Would it hurt to pass the ball?

- I only pass to guys who can score. - retorts Sinedd contemptuously, glaring D’jok down.

- Oh, so you think you scored back there?! - Micro-Ice intervenes angrily.

- I’m not talking to you, Micro-Chip!

All three start to argue, under Mei’s exasperated gaze:

- Oh! This is impossible, they’re at it again!...

- Debriefing room in two minutes! – Aarch’s voice booms over the holo-trainer’s artificial sky.

The sims fade one after the other, then the sky and the terrain in turn disappear; the holo-trainer becomes an ordinary cube with black walls, brightly lit. Suddenly, the argument between the players ends. They step out of the machine with a remorseful step.

Two minutes later, all are gathered in the debriefing room, which is equipped with a giant screen displaying the characteristics and performances of each player, as well as different game configurations on a virtual field. Aarch stands with his back to the screen, which gives him a pale halo. Everyone is facing him, seated on benches or leaning against tables.

- I would like to remind you, that if we lose this match against the Red Tigers, we can say goodbye to the Cup! I will not hide from you that a lot of people are waiting for me to lose. Anyone who holds a negative view of my return would be happy to see me go, but I don’t want to give them that pleasure. I absolutely want to prove to them that I’m right… that you are capable of becoming great players. Unfortunately, I can’t afford to make mistakes. I know you have the skills to win this game. Only, for that, you will have to play together - not against each other!

At these words, D’jok, Sinedd and Micro-Ice exchange an accusing look. Ahito - who for once is not sleeping - creates a happy diversion:

- But, sir, without Tia, we’ll never win...

- That’s true! - his brother adds. – She’s got the Breath. We don’t!

- And we will probably never have it, - grumbles Sinedd with his head bowed.

- You won’t get anywhere with such an attitude, - replies Aarch. - It does take very hard work to acquire the Breath, but it is deep within each of you. Waking it up will require a great effort from you, a collective effort. You will have to work together...

The sliding door to the room interrupts him, giving way to Clamp: cheerful, filthy, and more disheveled than ever.

- Eureka! I finally figured out how to clear the snow from the stadium!

- I think Clamp’s just spared you another workout. – remarks Aarch with a smirk. – Let’s go check it out, Clamp.

***

The scientist took everyone to the frozen roof of the Arena Stadium, in front of the gondola tower, the front door of which, a few days ago, Sonny Blackbones’s Pirates had forced open... (which earned Clamp the immense surprise to find his Scraps partly dismantled, a strange occurrence that he attributed to a bug, then concocted another program so that the robots still in condition repaired their dismantled comrades... so that they could quickly get back to the restoration of the stadium. Aarch rather saw it as an attempt at sabotage on the part of Ballow and his gang: he thought of warning the police, but the many tasks which kept him busy distracted him from doing so). Clamp - still in a shirt despite the intense cold, as if his science could keep him warm - holds in both hands a sort of remote control the size and shape of a rugby ball.

- Get back a bit, don’t stand too close to the edge… there you go. In a few hours, the pitch will have found a second youth, you will not believe your eyes! I realized that you just had to use the mesh of the RT-156 hoses, but changing the radiation frequency…

- Uh, I didn’t catch all of that…, - says Ahito, stifling a yawn.

- Forget it, bro, it’s okay, go back to sleep!

From where they are, Aarch and the Snow Kids have a bird’s eye view of the pitch caught in the snow and ice, a few tens of meters below. They are on the roof that covers the bleachers, which are just frozen waterfalls of stalactites. Huge tongues of ice also hang from the technical walkway that overlooks the pitch from one side to the other. Behind them, the tower evokes the massive top of an iceberg, and the walkways giving access to the entrances, far below, are literal skating rinks. All around, Arcadia’s buildings look like slices of pack ice plunging into snow-capped depths.

With a theatrical gesture, Clamp types a code on his remote.

Lively lightning flashes through the superstructures and runs over the walkways, along the frozen cables, on the edge of the roof, the edges of the tower... in a show of crackles and sparks suggesting that the entire stadium has become a gigantic, overloaded transformer! Wherever the lightning flashes, the stalactites shatter, the ice cracks, the snow transforms into vapor. Soon torrents of ice-laden water trickle down the bleachers, as a thick mist rises from the ground. Here and there - especially at the peaks of the tower and the technical footbridge - the metallic architecture is already beginning to appear

Drenched in the mist, the Snow Kids utter cries of joy. Micro-Ice tries to approach the edge of the roof to see what’s going on down on the pitch, but Aarch holds him back with a steady hand.

- Get back, Micro-Ice, it’s dangerous! Now is not the time to lose one of my best players!

- Aarch is right, - nods Clamp. - Besides, we shouldn’t stay here. This roof will soon become a real skating rink!

The ice cracks under their feet and a thin film of water begins to cover it, as if it were starting to sweat. Clamp pushes everyone towards the tower door and the elevators.

- Let’s go back to the basements, they shouldn’t get flooded ...

- Are you sure, Clamp? - Aarch asks worriedly.

- 99%. By my calculations, the melting process will be gradual enough not to clog the drain holes. In about ten hours, all the snow and ice should be melted; if the technical installations of the stadium have not been too damaged, my Scrap Metal will be able to reconnect them quickly...

- I hope your calculations are correct, Clamp. Because tomorrow afternoon we have to face the Red Tigers… and I told the League that we will play in the Arena Stadium!

[parkersvibes]

finding out peter is spiderman

read part one here

a/n: omg guys. i got so much feedback from you all on part one so i decided to make a part 2. and yeahh i really hope you guys enjoy. if you do lmk and i’ll do a part 3 (:

(i also apologize if the read more doesnt work )))): )

warnings: fluff, a smidge on angst

pt 2. peter parker x stark!reader

• figuring out he was spiderman

• alright you’re a stark

• but no one knows that

• but you’re really intuitive

• so there were little things you started to notice

• after uncle ben died there was some weird shit (if you want a part ab comforting peter ab uncle ben lemme know. he deserves his own part)

• like how he stopped wearing his adorable glasses

•and i guess started almost bulking up????

• he got WAY taller

• and usually you’re used to seeing him shirtless but this one time you walked in on him

• holy mother of god

• IT WAS LIKE HE GREW ABS OVER NIGHT

• BECAUSE FRESHMAN PETE DID NOT HAVE A 6 PACK

• freshman peter also got winded walking up the stairs

• AND NOW HE’S RUNNING LAPS IN GYM LIKE ITS NOTHING ??

• must be nice

• but then things got more sus

• all of a sudden he was skipping class more

• leaving early

• cancelling study sessions and skipping movie nights with ned

• and you and ned were clueless

• you and ned started hanging out more

• MR. LEEDS IS HILARIOUS LEMME TELL YOU

• he was like this little ball of happiness

• you found out his real name is Edward

• HOW CUTE

• and WOW HIS MOM BEING FILIPINA MEANT THAT YOU WERE BEING FED ALL THE TIME OH MY GOD

• ngl pete got a bit jealous

• one night,,, when pete cancelled YET AGAIN

• ned asked you, “hey y/n?”

• “hm”

• “why don’t we ever hang out at your place”

• “i told you ned, my family is just a lot yanno. plus your family and may are really cool”

• “okay but how come you don’t have any social media under your name?”

• “wdym?”

• “like you go by ‘y/n Smith’ but everything that pops up on the internet isn’t YOU”

• “pfff i told you,,, i dont believe in that stuff”

• “y/n, you know you can tell me anything”

• you wanted to be honest. this was one of your best friends. and you’ve been lying to them about your family for over a year now

• “ned i just. it’s complicated”

• “like peter’s family?”

• “nonono, i’m lucky to have both of my parents- well i have a step mom. my real mom wanted nothing to do with me. so she left me on the steps of my dads house. never came back”

• “oh shit bro, i’m sorry”

• “nah don’t worry. my dad is really cool and my step mom... she’s awesome.”

• “what’re their names”

• NATASHA WAS GONNA KILL YOU IF SHE COULD SEE HOW BAD YOU WERE STRUGGLING

• “well- uh- my step moms name is,,, um. well her real name is Virginia”

• THE WORLD KNEW PEPPER AS PEPPER NOT VIRGINIA

• “and my- my dads name is ehm... st, steve???”

• natasha was gonna have your ass

• “y/n,,,”

• “yeah”

• “you’re a horrible liar”

• “PFFF WHAAAT? NO IDEA WHAT YOU’RE TALKING ABOUT”

• “dude you left your spiderman fan tumblr open on my laptop that one night,,, and i MAY have done some snooping”

• okay you mightve had a slight obsession with the webslinger. HE WAS COOL. and what better way to keep track of him without alerting your family,,, good ol tumblr

• oh god ned, HOW MUCH SNOOPING”

• “enough to know that you have a weird obsession with that spider guy and that your last name isnt smith”

• so you told him the truth. you were a stark

• and well,,, he reacted with

• “okay cmon,,, don’t lie”

• so you showed him your late night dance parties with Nat when she was feeling goofy

• and your random snaps of steve when he was trying to figure out how to work technology

• videos of you reacting to vines with bucky

(if yall wanna see domestic life with the avengers just lmk)

• which usually results with THE WINTER SOLDIER ALMOST PEEING HIS PANTS. and trying to reenact it with sam or the other avengers

• “heyheyehy y/n guess what?”

• “what bucky?” *is in the middle of doing hw*

• “FRESHOVACADO” *bolts out of the room before you throw something at him*

• only the two of you getting vine and meme references

• (meaning getting in trouble during meetings bc you’ll make eye contact and start laughing)

• OH HIS FAVORITE IS THE “country boiiii, i love you,,, 😛”

• anywaayyy

• ned was SHOOK

• “nowayohmygodyoureanavenger”

• “no ned,,, only when they need me to be”

• *led to him asking 100000 questions*

• “does Mr. America smell like old man”

• “what language does Ms. Widow think in”

• “how many shirts does Mr. Hulk own”

• “so do they wear normal clothes or are they always PREPARED”

• “does your dad have to walk a weird way when hes in his suit”

• “do they ever chafe in their suits”

• “yes ned. we’re stocked up on baby powder”

• which you didnt mind bc it felt nice telling the truth

• ned WANTED TO TELL PETER SO BAD

• “ned no, i don’t want him to think of me differently”

• he understood. but still defended peter and said that hed still treat you the same

• anyway,,, peter started showing up with bruises and stuff which had you v concerned

• “pete what’s up? you’ve been avoiding ned and i and you have skipped out on every movie night since sophomore year started”

• “t’s nothing. dont worry ab it”

• “peter cmon, it’s just me”

• you figured maybe it had to do with ben??? but you gave him his space. you just wanted to be there for him yanno. you didnt want him to shut you out

• “Y/N I SAID ITS NOTHING. FOR FUCKS SAKE CAN YOU LEAVE ME ALONE???” he snapped (and not in the good way)

• and this was on your way to class so the whole hallway heard

• ouch

• so you left him alone. probably more than he meant. but it hurt

• i mean he was your first friend here, and now he yelled at you to leave you alone

• ned felt awful at first. trying to comfort you and tell you it wasnt your fault

• but then he started acting weird. whenever you brought up peter hed be super antsy about it

• you- “i think he got into another fight or something”

• ned- “pFFT PETER? FIGHTING? no way,,, i got-i gotta go”

• so you figured that whatever peter was hiding, ned knew about,, which also hurt your feelings

• so you closed off

• and wow could the super family tell something was wrong

• wanda- “little stark, i can feel your sadness all the way to my room”

• sam/bucky/rhodes- “okay what’s the deal, we’ve played 5 rounds of fortnite and you havent once rage quit even though you’re doing terrible”

• tony- “kid, what’s wrong? everyone here can tell you’re not feeling great”

• nat- “cmon. ive given you 3 opportunities to kick my ass and you havent once complained about me going easy?”

• thor- “lady y/n what is causing you distress? not once have you smiled, i even wore my hair in pigtails,,, and that seems to always do the trick”

• and you gave the same response every time “‘m just tired” “lots of homework”

• they noticed you werent going out on weekends anymore

• so tony figured that your friend group and you were having some Stuff

• pep gave him an idea of meeting his new prodigy

• now tony knew it’d be kinda sus because peter went to midtown but he figured that if the kid kept his mask on it’d be fine

• “dad i don’t wanna see another one of your weird maid robots”

• “wha- no i want you to meet someone”

• “dad college isn’t for another 2 years. if it’s your friend from MIT-“

• then right before your eyes was the insect boy that youve been admiring through the internet

• needless to say

• your jaw dripped

• “y/n meet spiderling, spiderling meet my daughter y/n stark”

• *seconds pass*

• “i uh- oH- um- sp-spidERman, h-hi. biG fan of you- your work”

• *silence*

• you- “oH dad diD you hear th-that? moM is calling mE”

• tony- “what?? pep wouldve called on the interco-“

• spiderman- “y/n”

• you- SHOOK TO THE CORE BECAUSE YOU KNEW THAT VOICE. THAT WAS THE VOICE THAT SOUNDED LIKE HONEY BUT COULD CUT YOU DEEPER THAN ANY WEAPON IN YOUR HOUSE

• you- “p-peter???”

• tony- *shocked pikachu face* “you know each other???”

• you- “so-something like that yeah”

• peter takes off his mask

• “ohmygodpeterisspiderman”

• “ohmygodyourlastnameisntsmith”

• tony- “im gonna let you guys figure this out” *walks backward slowly*

*insert silence*

• you- “so this is what you were hiding, huh?” with a cold tone

• “IM HIDING? YOU LIED ABOUT YOUR WHOLE HOME LIFE TO NED AND I”

• *yelling at each other for another minute. even though you couldnt hear what the other is saying*

• you- *yelling loudest “I DIDNT WANT YOU TO SEE ME DIFFERENTLY OKAY”

• peter- “you really thought id do that?” (heartbreaking voice)

• you- “i- once i got to know you, i knew you wouldnt but i was scared. i didn’t know how to tell you. for once in my life i had found someone my age who liked ME for ME. not for my name or money or my dad. and i didn’t want to change that. i’m sorry i didn’t tell you sooner”

• peter- “... i get what you mean. after ben died everyone gave me that look. except you and ned.”

• you- “why didn’t you tell me”

• peter- “everyone i love or ever cared about dies. my parents and then my uncle ben. so once i got my abilities i knew that the risk was even higher and i didn’t want to put you in that position. i wanted to keep you safe. but it seems like you know how to handle yourself” (referring to the fact that you grew up with THE EARTHS MIGHTIEST HEROS)

• y/n- “so how come ned found out?”

• peter *scratches back of neck* “well- he- i- May let him in my room and i happen to be crawling on the ceiling in my suit and he dropped the death star” *head hangs in shame*

• you had to giggle at that i mean CMON

• you stepped closer to him

• “pete you’re my best friend. you can tell me anything okay?”

• “no more secrets?”

• “no more secrets”

• and you both pinky promise and your thumbs “kiss” bc IF THEY ITS THE ULTIMATE UNBREAKABLE VOW DONT @ ME

• peter parker gives you the biggest hug that maKES YOUR HEART JUMP BC PHYSICAL CONTACT WITH A PERSON AS PRETTY AS HIM MAKES YOUR HEART FEEL A CERTAIN WAY

• but you wrapped your arms around his neck and enjoyed the moment

• wow he is really cozy

• * the avengers are watching from the cameras in awe*

• led to MANY questions at dinner

• and so everything went back to “normal”

• it wasn’t until you went to bed that night that you realized peter said the L word

• WHAT

• so much for no secrets

taglist: @silver-winter-wolf @emmmmszy @everythingaboutnothingsstuff @rexorangecouny @wishiwasanavenger @marjoherbo @nologinisoksothatsit @mindset-jupiter @hpnjrph @soup238

some favs/mutrals: @h-osterfield @starksparker @stuckonspidey @sunshinehollandd @keepingupwiththeparkers @hey-marlie @spyder-bites

[viralhottopics]

‘Are You The One?’ Recap: So Bad For Them But I’m Doing Fine

Well, its Wednesday night and Im a bottle of wine in. Its time to love myself like that Hailee girl told me to and turn on some . Because nothing is better for your self-confidence then to watch other people fail. Miserably.

Last year Sams mom got in touch with me and this year its Giannas brother. Who will be next to defend their loved ones on the recaps? Carolinas great aunt? Stay tuned!

BACK AT THE HOUSE

Shocker, they all start binge drinking. Cant wait to see how much weight they all gain by the end of the season.

Little Mike is talking to Casandra about all the things he likes to do. These hobbies include taking long walks on the beach, gelling his hair and taking a daily measurement of his penis. His growth spurt is coming, okay?!

Casandra literally looks like a bobblehead and is like OKAY, OKAY, OKAY.

Little Mike: I LOVE LAMP

Mike wants to get to know Cas but also low-key hates her for having a family and being #blessed. He legit calls her a daddys girl to her face and shes not even phased. He starts talking about how his mom is broke and his dad is crazy and Im like, woah, did I change the channel accidentally to ? This shit is way too heavy for me rn.

If I could describe the house in three words that they all could understand it would be: Drunk. Horny. Stupid. In that order. Because they arent planning on getting a real job any time after this, they decide to throw an underwear party.

Ozzy is like Kathryn is very sexy, idk what it is about her that I like. He says as she grinds on him in her underwear. Hmmm, I wonder what it could be that makes you like her?

They start making out and he tells her that tomorrow is his birthday. So obviously she has to have sex with him because of THE IMPLICATION. (Name that reference and I will marry you.)

Tyler and Taylor are both like hey this underwear party is fucking gross and Im like FUCK YA TEAM NORMAL PEOPLE.

Tyler is like everyone is acting trashy and Im trying to better myself. Woah, ok. Profound. Tyler def got lost on the way to auditions and ended up on . Either that or hes a fucking narc.

Apparently nothing makes Tylers dick harder than belittling the people you live with and he starts making out with Taylor. Overall, v hot couple.

Then the camera pans out to literally everyone just hooking up. , brought to you by Trojan Condoms.

THE GAME

The game starts with everyone being blindfolded and the boys tied up, which is coincidentally also the first scene of .

The girls have to smell the guys and untie the one they want to take on a date. Because thats normal. The first three couples to finish go on a date.

The girls start sniffing and falling more than cokeheads at an EDM concert.

Kari has some big-ass eyes so every time she talks she looks fucking crazy. Actually, she kind of looks like me when Im high but Im pretending that Im not high so Im overly opening my eyes. Idk, just trying to create a visual.

Karis like “I STUDIED NEUROSCIENCE ONCE IN COLLEGE, PHEROMONES ARE REAL Yeah, no one said they werent#Science.

KARI: This one time, in my neuroscience class

Kari picks Joey the trashman, who I thought smells like shit but I guess not.

Hannah picks Tyler and is like wow, this blindfold makes it so hard to see. I totally respect blind people. Wow, Im sure blind people everywhere feel so fucking complimented. Like look mom, that girl on TV understands my daily struggle for 3 minutes!

They can still hear you being a dumbass, you know.

Alicia smells Andre because he, and I quote, smells like Fritios. This is like the cheapest advertisement Fritos has ever had. Also, Andre its time to get some new cologne.

Andre/Alicia, Joey/Kari and Hannah/Tyler all win and they are going to go windsurfing. Thrilling.

BACK AT THE HOUSE

Gianna apologizes to Hayden for being a low-key bitch last week and hes already well settled into his home on friendzone island.

Michael walks by and Gianna is like hanging on Hayden. Michael is very over it and Gianna is like . Fuck, okay.

Kam and Eddie are flirting and being cute and idk I like them so they better not fuck this up for me.

MY MOM: I like the girl with the grey-ish, purple-ish hair ME: Literally their names are at the bottom of the screen.

Carolina is very upset that Joey the trashman is going on a date with KARI (her name will be in all caps now because her eyes just make me feel some type of way). Carolina starts crying and shes like if youre not my match what is my purpose?! In the distance you can hear me screaming ITS WEEK TWO YOU DUMB BITCH.

THE DATE

Andre is the only one who can windsurf and Hannahs like”oh Daddy.” In the words of our President-Elect, everyone else is a bunch of losers. Huge losers! Failing at wind surfing! All talk, no action!

KARI is being really nice to Joey and saying hes fun and shes excited to be there and hes like ACTUALLY Im into Carolina. Woah. Okay, I know KARI may kind of look like Crazy Eyes but she seems nice and shes actually being genuine. So in my drunken state rn I am very mad for her.

Joey has officially moved to my shit list. And I dont even mean that because hes a trashman. Where he quite literally has to pick up shit. Get it? Ill see myself out.

Andre and Alisha seem to be getting along but IDK, they kinda act like little children. They talk a big game about how they are really into each other but I just cant see it. And Im pretty much a fucking expert at this show.

And none for Tyler and Hannah, bye!

THE TRUTH BOOTH

Andre and Alicia to the booth because the house isnt fully brain-dead. Everyone Is like “THEY ARE SO STRONG! THEYRE IN LOVE AFTER A WEEK.”

See, you say strong, I say fucking crazy.

And guess what, Im right motherfuckersNO MATCH.

Alicia starts crying and saying she doesnt want to be here. Damn, okay then fly tf outta here, what?

Hannah is like “HEY I KNOW YOUR HEART JUST BROKE, BUT IM GONNA GO AFTER ANDRE.” Its all about the subtle game. Hannah, could you like, chill your hoe ass down for a sec?

Hannah and Andre are talking and hes like I knew we werent a match and Im everyone at home is like wait you just told Alicia man, thats fucked up.

Andre and Hannah start making out because #drama.

Alicia starts flipping the fuck out and is like YOURE A LIAR AND A FLIRTER AND A MINGLER!!!

Whats a mingler? Just someone who mingles? I feel like thats real nondescript. Im going to need a full definition plz. DM me.

Andres like “THESE GIRLS ARE CATCHING FEELINGS!” Uh, its not just girls. Joeys over here acting like a baby back bitch.

Hoes, am I right?

THE MATCHUP

The boys get to pick tonight and this ought to be a shit show because none of them strike me as scholars.

Oswaldo picks KARI. Random, dont care.

Ozzy picks Kathryn because he wants that birthday sex. Ozzys like she makes me feel like home. Uh, Ozzy thats because you are home. Youre a local, your house is like, down the street.

Jaylen picks Kam, fucking up the thing she had with Eddie.

Eddie picks Shannon, womp womp.

Derrick pity picks Alicia.

Hayden, who is sporting a pair of capris, picks Taylor. Obviously Taylor wants to be with Tyler so this is def a surprise. She actually says those exact words and Hayden has now purchased a summer home on friendzone island.

Tyler says something fucking stupid about how Hayden is doing him a favor? Idk his foot is so far up his mouth and Taylors like 3 seconds away from putting her foot in his ass. So much for team normal.

Andre picks Hannah. Alicia is like “IT IS WHAT IT IS” but also wants to murder Hannah.

Michael caves and picks Gianna. WTF.

Joey picks Carolina and they kiss because THEY ARE DUMB THATS WHY.

Mike picks Casandra because shes his uptown girl.

Tyler picks Tee and they both are like, “Welp. Fuck me right?”

Okay, so this is sketch. Not looking so hot for them rn.

Were waiting for beams and Im drinking, thinking no fucking way are they going to blackout. Its only week 2. But in the words of President-Elect: The polls were wrong! The experts were wrong! Sad!

And yes, THEY BLACKOUT.

They all lost half a million dollars. Im laughing but its a nervous laugh because now they all are going to be on suicide watch or something.

Everyone has to deal with the fact that the person they are with is not their match. No Mike/Cas, Ozzy/Kathryn, Gianna/Michael, Joey/Carolina or Hannah/Andre. WOW. Major blow. Im loving this.

A sad song starts playing and people start crying. Damn, this just got as depressing as Mikes family life.

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from ‘Are You The One?’ Recap: So Bad For Them But I’m Doing Fine