#they too are queer and im so grateful i had them to discuss queerness

[hornscorns]

found this from an old chat with a friend from over 5 years back its so funny n cute

[redditreceipts]

You have no idea how grateful i am for your blog. Its eye opening and i no longer feel like a hysterical bitch for worrying about what some trans movements (and im talking about those that want to police cis womens bodies too, not only theirs) was doing to feminism for past years.

Don't get me wrong... i think its fine when they do what makes them happy as long as they dont hurt other people. But more and more it feels like trans women want to dominate female spaces. And honestly, no matter how hard i try, i cant stop thinking thats its just male need to be always in the centre of attention. They come to us and instead of finding companionship and trying to fit in... they bring they own idea what a "woman" is and try to force it on every woman. Ones they dont agree with them they dubbed terfs and think that end of discussion. Another example of male entitlement if you ask me.

Im tired of bending backwards to appease them and once again ignoring womens issues as not to hurt trans womens feelings. Shouldn't they too be more empathetic towards cis women? Shouldn't they feel camaraderie with us? I'm yet to find trans woman who fights for feminist issues that dont concern her (i.e reproductive rights applicable only to bio women) with such ferocity cis women who are TRA fight for her right to be called a "woman". I'd want to be proven otherwise but more and more it seems like we're being talked over by men and male socialised people.

Sorry this came out long and probably makes no sense, but i feel like such a failure as a queer person to think like that. Maybe i am. But as a woman im tired of being silenced all over again. Now by the very people that claim sisterhood to me. But it feels like I'm the only one expected to hold my part of the bargain, they are exempt for some mysterious reasons. It's exhausting, I'm exhausted and honestly losing hope that my problems as a biological woman will ever be taken seriously.

Hey :)

I feel you in how difficult it can be to not feel like you have any people who see the same things you do. I also felt alone for so long because I had this nagging feeling about certain things, but most of the people I could find who were worried about the trans movement were conservative. 

And I also get what it feels like to force yourself into cognitive dissonance. It’s hard to try and convince yourself of things that are so blatantly untrue, and in the end, it doesn’t work. at least not if you’re a same-sex attracted woman who is a lot in LGBT spaces and can’t just “ignore” these things.

And I guess that there are some trans women who genuinely care about women’s issues, the thing is that they are not heard or uplifted because at some point they have to admit that women and trans women are different categories, and the trans activists can’t have that. So every discussion can not be about material issues, but it has to be about the use of language and pseudo-philosophical debates. Because if you look at material reality, you notice that cis women and trans women are not just different types of women, but different sexes altogether (even though trans women sometimes live their lives as though they were female and experience discrimination because of that as well). 

But most male-to-female trans activists are displaying such apparently male behaviour (sexualisation of women, talking over women, not taking women seriously, etc.) that you’d ask yourself why they don’t get dysphoria from that? I mean if I were a male who wanted to be a female, I’d at least try to appear female in some capacity lmao. I sometimes ask myself whether these people actually feel gender dysphoria or whether they have some other mental health problem that has nothing to do with being transgender. 

But you’re not a failure as a queer person. Actually, I don’t think it’s productive to use that term because being “queer” is some nebulous concept whose creation had only the goal to confuse and obscure the “oppression” of biological sex and material reality. Even a kinky straight guy is queer, a straight woman who gets off on reading Yaoi is queer, and by a strict application of the term “queer” as “people who don’t conform to cultural norms around gender and/or sexuality”, even paedophiles are queer. That’s not to say that trans activists use it that way, but the definition leaves space for all kinds of unethical paraphilias. Being queer is not an oppressed class. What is an oppressed class is being a woman, being same-sex attracted, being gender non-conforming, etc. 

You don’t owe the “queer community” anything. You owe it to people who suffer under systems of oppression like racism, capitalism, homophobia etc. to advocate for their rights and treat them as equals. You don’t owe it to some straight guy who watched too much lesbian porn to advocate for his rights. Literally nobody is oppressing him. 

I actually think that at some point, women will realise their shared interests and stand up for themselves. My only fear is that to come to that point, we will go through some sort of conservative “Dark Ages”, but maybe we can do something to prevent that by showing a third way to analyse gender on the basis of material reality. It’s cool that you’re interested in that as well :) 

[reesewestonarchive]

chapter nine / rem belongs to @forlornraven / masterpost / mature content

Nakoa wakes to darkness. He finds out easily that he’s in a vehicle; the rumble of tires beneath him, the loud, high-pitched squeal of rubber on asphalt.

The hard, unforgiving feel of metal against his shoulder. He opens his eyes, but it makes no difference. He sees slivers of light, but nothing really. Nakoa blinks, once, twice, and, when he turns over, finds himself grateful for the lack of light, because just the slivers of daylight peeking through are enough to send spikes through his brain.

“You awake?” He jolts at the sound of a voice, relaxes when Rem adds, “Hey, it’s just me.” His words are near slurring, though. Nakoa spins his head to look for him, nervous, worried, but it’s impossible to see in the darkness. “I—” Rem huffs a frustrated breath. “Can’t see a fucking thing—where are you?”

One of Rem’s boots finds Nakoa’s ribs. He mutters an apology, then says, “Hang on—” before he reaches down, his hand skirting along Nakoa’s back until he reaches Nakoa’s hands, clasped behind him. “Hold still.”

The ties release after just a second, and when Nakoa pulls them up, he asks, “How the fuck did you get out of them?” The plastic rubbed his wrists raw, even as short as they were on.

He can hear Rem’s grin in his voice when he speaks, though, and his presence makes the dark, unforgiving trcuk a little less foreboding. “You think I leave the motel without a knife?”

Nakoa would laugh, if he could. Instead, he reaches a hand out, trying to find Rem in the dark. “Where—” he says, before he makes contact with Rem’s knee. Relief settles in his stomach, and he reaches out for Rem’s hand, squeezes it. Feels better already when Rem squeezes back.

“You okay?” Nakoa asks. “That looked.” Bad. Terrible. Nakoa sees it no matter where he looks, Rem lying on the asphalt like that.

“Mm.” But his voice sounds far away. “Nakoa.”

“Yeah.”

“What the fuck?”

Nakoa should have known, knows he should have. That he should have said something to Rem, but… “My father’s—” The word tastes bitter on his tongue. “…in imports.”

“Drugs,” Rem says, immediately. “Fucking hell, Nakoa.”

It’s how Nakoa got started. It’s why he kept going with them. Michael’s into more than just weed, though, and therein lies the problem. That Nakoa knows. Michael had beat him, when Nakoa found out, and has since used his strength to his advantage. Try as he might, Nakoa can only throw a punch if he’s catching someone off guard, if they can fight worse than he can.

Michael doesn’t fit the bill, and he’s always carrying.

“I didn’t have a choice!” Nakoa says. “And I thought. Maybe, if I wasn’t there… why would he waste a bunch of bullshit on me? Men, resources.” Why would he follow Nakoa across the country? Nakoa, of all people?

“You stole from him,” Rem says. His voice comes out flat. “Nakoa.”

“You don’t get to play like you wouldn’t have done the same fucking thing,” he says, tone sharp. He pulls back from Rem, smells blood on his hands as he wipes them down his face. “How often have you stolen whiskey?”

“It’s legal! You wanna compare that to coke?”

Exhausted, suddenly, Nakoa says, “I really need you to not fucking judge me. I stopped, okay? He didn’t notice, and even if he had, what was he gonna do?” Michael hates Nakoa; always has. A disappointment, and that isn’t even considering Rem. That’s not considering the fact that Michael knows, and always has, that Nakoa beds men as often as he does women. It’s been like this since Nakoa was born, his father distant for work, and Nakoa eager for his approval and stumbling on his work at thirteen.

“He couldn’t do anything about it then,” Nakoa says. “But now what’s stopping him? His kid went missing. No one’s gonna care if I end up in a ditch.”

“Don’t fucking joke about that.”

Nakoa shuts his mouth, though. Taps his fingers on the metal on the floor. He says, “I should have told you.” He wants to apologize; can’t.

Wishes that he could just… touch Rem. No expectation. Find comfort in his touch.

He holds his hands to himself, and neither of them speak.

Eventually, the van slows to a stop, and doesn’t start again. Rem gets to his feet, says, “I got this.” Nakoa hears the knife unlatching in his hand. “Stay back.”

“Don’t being a knife to a gun fight, you—” Nakoa sighs. “Just—get behind me.”

“I’m not going to let you—”

“He’s my father,” Nakoa says, his voice cracking. “Let me deal with him.” He thinks about clocking Rem on the head again, but if he got knocked out that bad, he might already have a concussion.

Nakoa doesn’t say, “I want you safe.” He doesn’t say that it means more to him that Rem is okay, that Rem can go home. Maybe Rem thinks he’s worthless, but he’s Nakoa’s entire world.

The door slides up, and Nakoa blinks against the blinding light. Rem stands behind him, body heat warming Nakoa’s back. Michael’s behind his men, chatting on the phone, but Nakoa doesn’t move, not until Michael says, his voice almost bored, like he’s not still devising a plan. “Come join me for dinner.”

Nakoa blinks. “Pretty fucking dramatic entrance for dinner.”

Michael rolls his eyes. “You could show a little respect.”

Already disappointing his father, and they’ve been reunited for a matter of minutes. Nakoa holds his gaze and says, “You wanna kill me, go ahead.”

Behind him, he hears Rem make a small, distressed noise. “Nakoa—”

But Nakoa’s tired of living in this hole, in his father’s shadow, too afraid to move beyond Michael and his wants. Too afraid Michael might follow through on his threats.

“Just come. We’ll discuss what I plan to do with you at dinner.” Michael sighs, rubbing his forehead. “I keep forgetting about the carry on.” Nakoa catches his attention shifting to Rem, wishes it wouldn’t. “Hm. Looks like he’s the reason they’re free. Someone remind me we need handcuffs.”

When Nakoa doesn’t go forward, Michael sighs, says, “Someone grab him, please. Leave the other.” He sighs. “And tie him up this time?”

One of the men hauls Nakoa from the truck, by the hair, the shoulder. Nakoa swears, grips at the guy’s wrist and tries to walk with him, can’t. Holds tight and tries to lessen the pressure on his hair, anyway.

He watches as Rem crawls from the truck, eyes wide with fear, brandishing his knife. In comparison to giant men with handguns, he looks like a small, terrified child. Nakoa knows better than to call out his name, so he doesn’t.

His chest aches, and a half-strangled, “Rem—” escapes from his throat, just as the man dragging him pulls him into a building. Before the door shuts, Nakoa catches sight of Rem lashing out, the sound of a gunshot, then… Nothing.

Nakoa finds himself dropped at Michael’s feet, scalp burning, Michael staring down at him with something akin to disinterest. “I wish things could have gone differently for you, Nakoa.”

This is nothing like the Michael Nakoa remembers. This man is… different. Distressingly calm, quiet.

Nakoa prefers him screaming. Calm breeds terror in Nakoa’s chest, and he doesn’t care for the way it burrows in and refuses to leave.

“Up.” It’s not a request. “Dinner.”

Tossing a scowl back at the man who’d dragged him, Nakoa rubs his wrists, follows Michael through the warehouse.. He needs to stay around until he can get back to Rem, anyway. After that… who cares? Michael can do whatever he wants with Nakoa, as long as Rem gets out of this safely.

Michael leads him into another room to a table sitting alone, like one in the movies, covered with a tablecloth, a single lightbulb illuminating the table and nothing more.

With a swallow, Nakoa takes his seat, still rubbing his wrists. Michael sits in the other chair, and, neat as can fucking be, he undoes his napkin and lays it across his lap.

“Nakoa,” Michael says, and now he sounds more like himself, like the Michael Nakoa remembers. “You are a pain in my ass, you know that?”

“So the pleasant, calm druglord, that’s just for your employees. But your son, all bets are off.”

Michael’s gaze is sharp, piercing, and Nakoa wishes he’d kept his mouth shut. “Ungrateful. You know,” he says, already lifting the lid from his dinner, “you really don’t understand the sacrifices I’ve made for you. The resources I’ve wasted finding you.”

As if Nakoa asked for it. As if he gives a shit about whether Michael goes broke. As if he cares, for half a second, what Michael loses. He sits back, crosses his arms. Waits.

“I can see you’re going to be difficult, so let me lay this out for you.” He pops a bite of dinner—steak, because of course it is—into his mouth, and chews. Slow. Nakoa knows the tactic well, terrify them with their own imagination. “You’ll come home with me.”

“Over my—”

“—and we can leave your friend here to fend for himself.”

“Next.”

Eyebrow raised, Michael cuts back into his steak. “I could just as easily kill your friend, you know. He hardly seems like a man someone will miss.” At Nakoa’s expression, Michael laughs. “Don’t tell me you think—” He shakes his head. “You’re a fool, Nakoa.”

Better a fool than a prick, Nakoa thinks, but he doesn’t say so. Michael married a gentle woman, one he can scare into submission, and he thinks Nakoa’s life choices are worth judging. “Next option,” he says, through gritted teeth, staring hard at the table, at the knife marks in the wood. Imagines what it might be like to see those on his skin, instead. If he’d even life through it.

“I could kill the both of you. You’ve already been missing for how long? None of the authorities would think twice about a couple of stupid, runaway queer boys ending up dead. Two of them…” He clicks his tongue. “Well. Is that even a tragedy worth the news cycle?”

And Michael wonders why he ran away. Nakoa lifts his gaze, reluctant, up towards Michael’s face, hates the giddy expression on his father’s face. He’s a bastard, and Nakoa knows he’s always enjoyed his work a little too much, but he’d hoped maybe, underneath it all, there was something that made him human. Now he’s not so sure.

“Easiest way to tie up loose ends, don’t you agree?”

Nakoa wants to tell him to fuck off, but Michael won't hesitate to cut him with the knife on his plate. Never has before. Never hesitates, once he makes his mind up. “Why the holdup?” Nakoa asks, but his voice shakes. “Sounds like you got it all figured out. Why not just kill me now?”

He’s losing his patience, Michael. The joy drains from his expression and he returns to his dinner, almost bored. “Unfortunately, I still think there might be some use in you. I could use you to make an example. I think using you as a living example carries more weight, don’t you?”

“What the fuck’s that supposed to mean?”

Pointing a fork to Nakoa’s plate, Michael says, “Eat. It’s the last time you’ll get the opportunity in a while.”

“What about Rem?” Nakoa does his best to hold his voice steady, to keep Michael from making any more shitty comments, but it still comes out wrong.

“I think I’ll be doing the world a favor, taking him out.” He reaches for his drink, then sighs. “Nakoa, please. If you don’t eat, I’ll be forced to take other measures.” Like what, Nakoa wonders, but doesn’t ask. Sighing, Michael sets his fork down and says, “Nakoa. It’s in your best interest to work with me.”

“Too fucking bad.”

“I can make your life a living hell, you know.”

“You already did. What can you do to make it worse?”

Michael raises an eyebrow, says, “You think you’re in love with the man outside. Not sure where you got that, but fine, I’ll play along. You’re right in considering yourself worthless, so I understand I can’t use you against yourself.” With a cock of his head, Michael leans back in his seat. “I might be able to use him yet. Suppose I better put in the call to keep him in one piece after all.” He pulls a walkie talkie out of his shirt pocket and switches it on. “Hold my previous order,” Michael says, glaring at Michael. “Plans have changed. We’re going to have a little fun.”

[bigbrothernetflix-st]

EPISODE ONE

“its week ONE. why is everyone being so cracked i hate it here i absolutely hate it here someone take me out with a sniper rifle” - aria 

HOH: Jev UPSIDE DOWN: Jacob & Gina NOMINEES: Kiki & Nash POV: Nash FINAL NOMINEES: Kiki & Mo EVICTED: Mo (14-1)

PRESEASON CAST ASSESSMENT

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dEdLzVoyttU&list=PLFEwPPy8j010XXwntq80VSU0qLNTNpSIN&index=2&t=0s

JOEY

WOO holy shit this cast is filled with such insane personalities, and I cannot WAIT to play this game!

NASH

tell me why i'm already nervous

NASH

waits patiently for mo to pick another damn person to infect

GINA

skghkdgljhgdlj BRAIN HURTY,, sm people to talk to and everyone is so so nice! just glad I'm not winning hoh

ARIA

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G-bwCxQGRhk

alternative title: im very mean for 20 minutes

KIKI

so far the cast seems very sweet! a little quiet so far but otherwise im really enjoying talking to them!! and i think the twist is a cool idea but could be dangerous.... maybe a little too easy to expose alliances

GINA

I really like this cast! I'm actually really good friends with Aria (but we keeping that a secret) and I recognize Joshua from other orgs! Also, this twist seems super fun!

ARIA

okay,,,,okay,,,ok,,,k my brain is struggling to complie everything ive learned today i am STRUGGLING!!!!

So!! Lets make a tier list

We're working together (didnt even need to discuss)

-Nathan

-Jacob

-Gina

Asked to work together

-Joey

-Joshua

Implied we're working togther but lower tier

-Jev

-Josh C

-Monty

Super Sweet & Nice

-Bri

-Kiki

-Dem

-Mo

Sweet but i want a response

-Nick

-Emma

_saira

-jake

-Nash

So thats what i've gathered for today mostly, Jacob-Joey-Jev-Joshua all seem to really want to work close with me and we've talked a bit of game ( ITS ALL THE Js HELP) and seem super open while the girls seem more closed off as of now, kinda worried gina isnt gonna be active enough but idk, oh also everyone is noticing bri is CHAOS and that nick is talkative/assertive. more to update in a bit but heres a trust ranking for night one, one more thing jev said he doesnt like nathan or nick :OO and someone else mentioned nick being overbearing

1.Gina (i love her to the moon and back)

2. Nathan( the charisma SNAPPED this game go off sir!!)

3. Josh C (they're also charismatic but they're hecking hilarious and our view are pretty similar) 

4.Jev (they cared about me!! and im nice to them and this is just really wholesome)

5.Jacob (LOVE him but we havent talked enough beyond "we're winning this game")

6.Joshua (super fun to talk to, same og community king)

7.Bri (they wont keep info to themselves but shes SO sweet pls take my heart)

8. Joey (hes kinda sketching me out tbh but also he wants to work with me so)

9.Nick (they wouldnt put me up and thats all i could ask for)

10.Monty (PLEASE trust me i need ur braincells)

12.Kiki (sHES SO SWEET AND GOOD AT ART ADORE HER)

13.Mo (existential dread buddies <3)

14.Dem(approached game w/ me,,,but on the first message so might be doing that w/ everyone)

15.Nash (kate protection gang!!!)

16.Saira (we loVE DOGS! and thats it)

17.Emma (feel better soon,,,then pls talk to me k thanks)

18.Aria (dont trust anyone,,,not even yourself)

DEM

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ykD4dZjsDl0

BRIANNA

https://youtu.be/odNZXz-jNtw

MO

If alliances have been made already, I am gonna have some QUALMS... This cast is very cute, I love meeting new people, let's see we have

Aria - an ANGEL we've been talking about SIX the musical and slime tutorials

Brianna - The first person to recognize me using a Carole & Tuesday song in any of my videos. I'm v grateful.

Dem - He kinda jokes like a mom... 

Emma - I'm friends with Emma outside of the game and she is such a chaotic sweetheart. We been in the house a day and she plays Lois Griffon singing Doja Cat... for what...

Gina - I have not talked with her, I just said hi.

Jacob - Jacob is nice. I think I've yet to have a super positive ORG experience with him tho. So. Yeah.

Can I do the rest tomorrow cus I'm tired and just not in the mood. Okay thank you.

SAIRA

I was a little surprised by the amount of people dming me but they all seemed pretty nice! The twist sounds cool, I'm excited to see how it plays out

JEV

i definitely did NOT expect to win the first hoh but here we are, i have no idea what i'm gonna do but i need sleep so that's tomorrows problem

JOSH C

HELLO! it's your boy josh coming to give you some thoughts on the cast. coming into this game, the only person i know of beforehand is.. JACOB who has managed to snake me in both games we've played together so that's cute. i don't really have a choice but to trust him for now bc that's my only outside connection so we'll see how it goes. he's fun to talk to so i don't really mind but my eyes are PEELED for it going south.

my favorites just from the first night are probably aria, kiki, nathan, and saira. for no REAL reasons other than i just feel like i've had the best conversations with them and they were more fun than the rest of the cast. i'm not sure if those will stay the same but that's HOW I FEEL RIGHT NOW!!

i've reached out to everyone and heard back from everyone (other than nash.. dunno what that's about so i'll just let it sit there. i don't REALLY mind bc it's good if i win HOH because it's a good reason to throw someone up there). everyone is cute enough, though i think i've connected LEAST with brianna, dem, joey, and monty? just haven't gotten a lot of energy back from them but i'm hoping that was just FIRST NIGHT jitters of people not putting in their full effort into their social game.

i'm going to spend today just chatting with people so i have a base relationship with them and that way if jev goes the route of asking people who they'd him to nominate -- i'm not someone they name simply for not knowing who i am. trying to be a little SOCIAL QUEEN. fun and funky so let's hope it pays off.

for the twist, i'm not really sure how to play this. i don't think the first round is going to have the BEST power hidden in it but it'd be nice to know that i for sure won't be first boot. (though i'm feeling OKAY enough that jev won't kill me bc we've talked at least). i think i'm going to wait a minute before i ask someone to send me in, or someone just sends me in on their own accord. that way people don't look at me for having a secret power bc it'll be really easy to narrow down who has one and that's just such an unnecessary way to get a target on your back. i like the twist, it's just hard to figure out how to play it and maybe i should just wait until someone does it for me or i'm one of the later people to get it so i get safety when there are less people in the house and it'll be harder to survive.

xoxo gossip josh

SKINNY NICK

https://youtu.be/yNBReh_pBPk

NATHAN

He's here, he's queer... and oddly enough starting off by not doing a Video DR; however, I think when making an initial first impression/trust list this method seems to go a little smoother... First off, coming right off of Big Brother Pasio and thrown into this game has made my head hurt more than it should. I forgot how annoying and tiresome the initial conversations are with everybody. With that said, I have begun to kinda pick out a path that may be suitable for me this season. In Pasio, my goal was to lay low, not be seen, and form connections. That strategy is going to be partially active this time around as well. I'm a big personality, and while that's fun and cute, I learned by keeping a low profile in the beginning portion while remaining social it does wonders. I don't need to be a Skinny Nick character and be talking in the house call and house chat at every ounce I get. With that being said, this season is full of Pasio players... some in which I had both good and bad experiences with. However, pushing that aside I really have my eyes set and locked on Aria. I have a feeling that the other Pasio alumni may see her for how she played in Pasio and I do as well, but I want to make sure her and I are on as good as terms as possible. She did NOT like me in Pasio, so rekindling that flame is ultra important. Alongside Aria, I get to play with both Monty and Jacob who I've had rocky relationships with in the past, but have grown to become great friends outside this. Working with them is going to be vital, but keeping them too close is suicide. With that being said, here's my initial trust ranking:

1. Aria

2. Jacob 

3. Nash

4. Jev

5. Josh

6. Monty

7. Joey

8. Nick

- - -

END LIST

JOSH C

okay, well nominations just came out and i can't say i'm too surprised that nash got nominated for eviction considering she hasn't responded to me yet and most everyone else is saying the same. i can't really imagine anyone using the veto on her unless she has a complete social turn around in the next 24 hours but that seems like.. a stretch. just gotta hope she doesn't win! we love an easy first week boot!

i'm a little sad about kiki getting nominated because i've really hit it off with them, but i think it's a good way to secure some trust with them and spark off a relationship. i've been trying to already be like YOU GOT THIS, YOU'RE STAYING! NASH DOESN'T TALK TO ANYONE! and i think they're being receptive. i like that i can joke around with them, so i'm hoping they enjoy me as much as i enjoy them.

i've also had aria and jake come talk to me about noms which means they trust me and that's GOOD. i want to try to secure something with them soon because i think they're both people that would want to work with me and i know that jake doesn't have a lot of connections already so being an early ally of his would be BIG.

just trying to focus on being a cute little social presence so people don't really focus on targeting me early on. i think this is a game full of half social players and some.. not so exciting people so it'll be easy to just slip through by not being the most boring person around. i don't want to promise TOO many people loyalty just yet but i think building a small core for myself will be important to keep me safe and i'm hoping that can come with jake/aria/kiki/jacob(?)

JAKE

chile............. where the fuck am i?

i dont know what dimension i'm in right now with these people but i am ready to show them what i am made of!! so far i've felt..... on the outs of most of what is going on so im just gonna give my perspective on things so far!! 

the cast....... ill just do an assessment

dem: said maybe three words to me since we've started... so there's that

saira: seems like a queen! i def need to talk to her more i've been sleeping on her and i think we'll get along well

joey: girl sometimes idk what this man is saying to me but we're rolling w it..

nash: her "sick" ass hasnt responded to my message from yesterday so bye

joshua: oh he can work! hes fun to talk to and i def see some potential to working with him. hes only 16 so yung so pure i remember those days </3

nathan: hes so hot god i literally want to eat his entire ass but i dont wanna be creepy so im trying to subtly flirt with him SDLKJFSKF he seems to be a sneaky player to me but hopefully thats not the case and we can be a showmance later on hehe

emma: LEGEND. QUEEN! PUT SOME RESPECT ON HER NAMEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! my ride or die in this thing <3

jev: oh jevfrey my angel im so happy he's here!!! he's a loyal guy from what i remember and ill def be working with him ESPECIALLY now that hes the first hoh ayyyyY!!!! i feel completely safe with him

kiki: oh i LOVE THEMMMM we had a great connection from the jump and i have a soft spot for them for sure. theyre sadly nominated this week i did not know why jev made that decision but i will make sure they stay know THAT

monty: monty left me on read :( we had a kinda awk convo so idk how monty feels about me right now?? i def dont think he trusts me and ugh i hate the tension!!!!!!!! i hope we can resolve it all and be friends again

josh: KDJKFG i love this man... hes not entire truthful and is def playing me a bit but i think he's great and hopefully he doesnt turn out to be the snake i think he has the potential to be

gina: idk what to think of this girl she doesn't reply much to me and we haven't really spoken much for me to really get a good read of her. i infected her and idk if she'll take that a certain way i came to her with the explanation that we just havent talked as much. idk shes fine?

mo: hahhaha hes a cutie too and i think hes not much of a talker so i think hes nice for the most part it's just kinda hard talking to him sometimes

brianna: um....... yeah we haven't spoken yet and she infected me so idk how to feel about her yet. she claims it was this number system but do i fully believe thats what she based it on? not really.. so ill def have to talk to her more

aria: NOW THIS........ THIS IS ELEGANCE. THIS IS CLASS. THIS IS EXPENSIVE. THIS IS TASTE, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN! this 15 year old girl has me shaking to my god damn core with her social game within a 20 minute conversation ive already devoted my entire game to her and our "attention whores" alliance. iM GAGGGEDDDD i really like her and i know shes a big threat but if shes with me then we can do some damage together hehe

skinny nick: SKINNYYYYY i dont have much to say about nick i think they're well connected in this game so i have to make sure i'm good with them a little more. our convos are a little dry hopefully that'll change as the game goes on

jacob: a sweetie.. i really like jacob as a person but as a player he scares the shit out of me DSLKFGFKJ he lied to me like every round in BBHOS9 so i dont rly know if i can trust him. he def has other friends in this community hes playing with so ill have to sus out who exactly that is...

and......... yeah! kiki and nash are nommed. gina n jacob went to the down under. i think jacob will def get whatever power is down there he is one lucky man so i wouldn't be surprised if it's something good. oh well hopefully when i go i get whatever the best thing is a dpov mayhaps!.......

i hope the next hoh is something i can win because i want these people to TALK TO MEEEE tell me where their heads are at for god's sake! me on day 2: why arent you telling me all your alliances? dFGKLF i feel like im okay just gotta talk to some said people more and try to make sure they dont hate me!

JOSHUA

I thought Jev was nice but I'll have to go back on that because he absolutely is not fooling a single person, I thought we'd be allies but he's been acting sus all day so he can choke on rat piss. Joey and nick literally aren't talking to me at awl so... they can choke and die too. Aria is talking to me a lot but I know she talks to everyone a lot sjdkjds queen of big brother pasio... but I trust her for now I guess. Other than that I'm not super like concerned with anyone else I mean brianna kiki gina mo are nice I guess.. mo is a little hard to talk to though so :( anyway glad to be here but my social is kind of rocky skjdjskdj : ( ( ( ( ( 

JEV

SKINNY NICK

https://youtu.be/0Kb-twzCkYI

MO

trying to hint to dem that I’m not okay... wonder if it’s working

ARIA

its week one. its week ONE. why is everyone being so cracked i hate it here i absolutely hate it here someone take me out with a sniper rifle im sick of this, but its fine im gonna try to do my best to explain EVERYTHING bc whew is there a lot..

First off lets start with the fact ive been talking with everyone from the moment i woke up and my fingers hurt so much but also now people like me and thats all i need in life so heck yes!! So when it was nash vs kiki i start planting seeds to keep kiki with people and then nash wins veto so thats thrown out the window yayyyy- 

Things start happening after jev renoms Mo. First off i get a call with crack kills (joey bri me) and we discuss the vote a little bit with Joey leaning towards keeping Mo and Me/Bri wanting to keep Kiki, joey leaves and me and bri talk about the alliance we were invited to (jacob josh jake kiki us) and then i notice theres a house vc which i then go and join alone.

It was silent for a bit before they mentioned they were talking about votes and were being kinda secretive about names but i asked directly so Mo tells me that dem told him that there was 5 confirmed votes against Mo (nash Jacob Nick Joshua/Jacob(dont remember which) and Josh c) he said the names really fast so i mightve missed a few and nathan interjects about my notes and like??? shut up nathan???? anyways i act all shook about an alliance and we talk about votes and apparently when mo campaigned to bri she just sent "hugs" and im caCKLIGN FDSGFDSH anyways that confirmed 5 votes is gonna make people nervous and cause people to keep Mo which like, im not totally against but i just want a unan vote please. Also i think dem & emma dont really trust me which is big ughhh idk if one of the pregame girlies (any of the names from that list) win hoh next week ill throw one of them utb easy peasy 

So then i start asking around to gina and she ghosts me??? gina NEVER ghosts me so im sketched out there and Mo is asking for my help when i already told kiki i would save her its such a messsss. So if i had to guess the sides i would say 

PREGAME GIRLIES: Nash Jacob Jake Joshua Josh c kiki

UNCONNECTED NOT PROTECTED: Dem Joey Emma Nathan Mo

Whomst: Saira Jev Monty Nick Gina Bri

Help: Aria

So, where do i go from here? How do i make sure this vote comes out hecking even,,, im not sure. nvm i am sure because Mo just told me they want to give up HFBHJBSDFS MO MY SAVIOR ILL NEVER FORGET YOU KING <<<<3333333 okay nvm hes not fully giving up but im giving him an avenue that would make my life much easier where im telling him to have good convos with people so they connect more and if anyone feels moved theyll come to me and ill get the ball rolling with a easy peasy unan vote hopefully. But i think i might be able to manipulate this situation to my advantage WHEW im hyped now!!

So lets say mo leaves the thought of those "five confirmed votes" is still gonna be in peoples heads mainly dem/joey/emma/nathan which might form into a side and go hard for hoh taking out some big social player and then we have two sides going after each other which would be cute.

I would make trust rankings but i trust no one fbhsafd and thats on pewiod

JAKE

WHEW!!!!!!!!!!! im not the first boot :~) let's celebrate that.... 

but i'm not too thrilled about these noms...... im happy nash won POV she started talking to me more and shes actually really cool so i wanted her to stay. i am sad kiki is nominated i don't want them to go at all..... and mo being the replacement nominee was a shock to everyone i think..... 

i don't have a problem with mo leaving cuz we have a weak connection i just thought dem was going up based on my prior conversations with jev. he says dem started talking to him more but i just wish jev would talk to me and emma about his decisions if we're "aligned"?? like whats the point of having an alliance if we don't have any say in your decisions?

today i woke up to a message from josh asking me what i think about being in an alliance with jacob brianna aria and kiki........ and im just like wtf where this come from and he said that jacob is making it and its just his fave ppl??? im like ok like im not one to turn down an alliance but i let him know that i dont rly trust jacob n brianna as much as the others in the alliance. hopefully this makes him feel close to me and not blab his mouth to jacob ab that! 

brianna has yet to speak to me and jacob is just someone im always gonna have a hard time trusting sooo if i have to nominate them down the line i won't hesitate unless this alliance is genuine and helping me in the game.

i really only trust emma so far with aria being my secret spy and big meat shield im gonna need in this game. aria's super well connected and im hoping she'll be able to provide me w the information i need to take bitches down later on. 

i think i'd be worried about brianna winning bc we've never talked but at least we have this alliance possibly in the works?? and i dont know if nick would nominate me we haven't talked much..

but i want to win the next hoh so people actually talk to me LOL praying i can win

[thelemoncollection]

Today is the 28th of April, but it's nearly 30 minutes past midnight. So the day was Monday the 27th, and I'm realizing I last wrote about a week ago? Feels like a month.

211,663 people have died from the virus. We're still quarantined but there's talk of opening up the economy in the next few weeks. Lots of businesses will be opened by May. So many more deaths to come. And sooner at that, given the politics of it all. This blood is on Trump's and the GOP's hands. Emma described it today as global trauma.

I find myself struggling to articulate well lately. I notice it best when I'm on video chat with Syd, or trying to explain something I learned about vet med to Mik. I find myself grasping for vocabulary and getting lost mid sentence. Like I'm drunk but there's no buzz. Like I'm tired, but all I do is sleep. I spent the night yesterday with Mik and I woke up spooning her tightly. The feeling of her soft hips at my fingers, or when she rolls over, the stiff fringe of her bangs brushing against my lips, her breath on my neck. I could die there. It's been hot outside lately, she voiced that she remembers how shitty it is when the summer gets warm. Dewy sunshine is priceless, but the heat of the night... I understand why people "cuff" in the wintertime. Last summer I slept with a lot of women, and honestly the heat was a lovely excuse to get naked. So maybe it wont be that bad. But nothing beats snuggling up to Mik on a cold night, to lap at the warmth of her, or to share my heat against her pale porcelain skin like a bird nesting against the cool surface of her egg. Here I am rambling on again. I'm quite tired tonight. I started my period this morning, an hour after waking up with cramps. I put on my jeans to leave Mik's place and felt myself get wet with blood again the seamline. She leant me a pair of sweatpants and brought me my backpack. She gave me coffee and kissed me with a caffeinated tongue. She tastes so good even in the morning. The night before, Sunday night, we made love. I'd been thirsting hard for her the past few days, feeling like a goddamn cat in heat. I told her a few days prior to Sunday how much I wanted sex, but I was tired that day. She was tired that day. She attributed it to work being stressful. Which I have no doubt it is. But frequent headaches... work stress.... school stress. For some reason, even though I now know we had sex on th 15th, which was a little over a week from when we had sex again... it felt like forever? All I do is talk about sex on here. But how can a girl who has the privilege to date a girl that sexy not think about sex all the time.... shit, I find myself staring at her lips and wishing I could suffocate on them. She's so fucking beautiful I can't stand it sometimes. I just collapse into myself. Here i am yowling again like an intact alleycat. I can't help myself. She makes me so wet just looking at her. Last night she let me go down on her and she rode my face hard. To feel her deep on my finger while her lips rock against mine, is ecstasy. Hearing her moan as she get close to climax nearly makes me cum from just listening. She likes using the big blue cock, she suggested to fuck me from behind. I ask her if it turns her on, but she gave me an answer like "it's really fun" and that wasn't convincing enough for me. I'd rather do her sitting up and watch her make faces while she watches me ride her. Gives me better assurance that she's having a good time. I was nervous about having sex since my foul remark I made last time, in the shower. Nervous she'd be scared of me. Or hesitate. I made sure to love on her long enough before asking to go down on her last night. I hope it helped. When I asked if she was ok with me making my way south she gave an enthusiastic yes so that's a good thing. The day or so before hand when we were talking about sex, we shared a long discussion about initiation and consent. I shared my concerns about getting confident consent from her while still being the pursuer. She always hears me so well. Such an excellent listener. I love when she tells me she loves me first. I love making her laugh. I just want to give her endless pleasure. I drink it in like I'd been deprived of her laugh my whole life. So thirsty for her joy and satisfaction.

Syd says she's gonna beak up with Susan. She's been saying it for nearly 2 weeks now, though, and I don't believe her. I want her to see that she deserves so much better. It's a goddamn gift to be gay. A fucking privilege to know the love for women. I want her to feel the pride, the bliss, the power, the strength to love yourself enough to ask for more as a gay woman. To ask for outness, to demand respect. The "big dyke energy" hah. But sincerely.

I wish we weren't on quarantine and that life could go back to normal soon. I miss parading Mikayla around on the crook of my elbow, downtown. I'm gonna take her to buy Mary's mountain cookies when this is over. We'll eat them in the square. People will be drinking and walking around without masks. I'll take her hand and kiss the back of it hard. I'll wear a nice outfit and we'll be each other's arm candy.

I'm mourning the loss of this June's pride. You bet your ass I'm gonna craft so much rainbow shit this summer. Read all the queer literature, watch all the gay films. Maybe I'll put something together for the vet gays.

I stayed at my place tonight, Emma and I ordered Chinese and watched a cute little documentary about an old gay couple that run a dog rescue in South Carolina. We always have such a great time hanging out together, I need to remember to do it more often. I'm really glad I asked the day prior. We talk about art and sex and rechargeable vibrators, and Greek mythology. I lent her new batteries for her poor little lavender vibe she calls... Bumpy Betty? Something like that. She let me her copy of the Blue is the Warmest Color comic. I read half of it tonight after she went to bed. I grew nostalgic for baby gay love. The giddiness of fresh queerdom! So scary but SO extraordinary. And exciting. Now I'm thinking of Rangely again. I sometimes forget that I've taken 5 (is it 5?) lovers since her. She changed my life. I hope she's well. Im always fighting the urge to contact her.

5 isn't even that many. I try to count again. Evan, Jes, Lee, Alyssa (I often forget Alyssa's name and feel guilty for it. She really liked me. It was hard to break things off with her.) Mikayla makes five. I'm grateful for my escapades honestly. I got a better understanding for what I wanted in a lover. Clearly had to subtract men from the picture first haha. But holy shit. I feel really lucky to have found Mik when she was also looking. We might have never met if her friend didn't buy her Tinder Premium. She wouldn't have seen that I swiped right on her. I wouldn't have been able to message her. We would have never known the other lived here. So close, but in totally different worlds. It feels amazing that we seem to fit so well into each other's lives. I think she feels it too. I want to bring her home to my family. I want her to spend more time with my brother. I want her to meet my mom in person. I have so much to look forward to even though it's fucking terrifying. But I want Mik close to me, and I want to make a life with her. The prospect of that is electric in my blood.

[violetteviolence]

okay so in having a discussion about the phenomenon of neo-liberal young cis straight people consuming queer tragedy porn and why that really is a problem and isn’t just people being nice i was reminded of an experience i had all throughout college and really just needed to talk about it

under a read more because this got way too long but im sorry im so bitter about this shit

also young queer college kids do not make the mistake i did and allow your university and even other queer people exploit you, your identity, or your lived experience to make straight people feel better

so okay, i was super heavily involved with my universities queer campus organization and the faculty adviser for the group also happened to be the unofficial “queer liaison” for the university. So she used to do these “panel discussions” where she would take a small group of “volunteer” (i say volunteer in quotes b/c in all reality if you were the only person with a “unique” identity, aka not a white cis gay man or lesbian, you were peer pressured and coerced into going whether you really wanted to be there or not) students from the org to go speak at various (usually graduate sociology and psychology) classes on campus.

And let me just say, I have never in my life been through something that so purposefully shows how creepy, disgusting, and ineffective as this shit. We would literally sit in a line at a table in the front of the room, facing the students sitting at their desks. Our adviser would first say a few words about the campus organization and its history, and then she would defer to us and we would start at one end and go down the line and one by one give this literal audience of strangers our “pertinent identifying info” aka “Name / year / major/ identity” in that order (and god help you if you had an identity they wouldn't know because then you would have to explain that first before you even got on to the “real” part) and then we would recount our entire coming out stories. Every one that we had, the more tragic and tear-jerking the better. We were encouraged to really “tug on the heartstrings” and lay it on thick. We would even purposefully seek out people we knew had terrible family problems and would exclude those who didn’t because it was “boring.” It was a common joke that I should never go first because my story was too “short and boring” because there was nothing to tell and was always encouraged to talk more about my identity and explaining polysexuality than anything. My girlfriend who also had a very supporting family was always encouraged to play up how “lucky, fortunate, and grateful” she was and how other people had it so much worse.

And then, after we were all done, the class would get to ask us questions. And every. single. time. the questions were the most invasive tragic ones possible, thats all they cared about. not our identities or our lives beyond that or how they could help work towards being better allys. nope. every time it was “so did you try to commit suicide? who was the one person who was there for you? whats your relationship like now? well do you think you would ever forgive them? how was going to therapy? do you take any medications now? have you disowned your entire family?” and like it was just relentless. And the few times we would bring people who didn’t have those stories, or who didn’t talk about them, or we would try to focus on other things, we would get crickets. not a single question. every fucking time.

Like ive never in my life felt more like a circus act then I did during those few years doing those panels. It was literally a performance piece where you paraded around these queer kids and their “tragic backstories” so that a class full of cishet people could cry and boo-hoo and then pat themselves on the back for not being like those “real homophobes” when meanwhile I can guarantee you every single one of them said and did homophobic and transphobic shit every single day.

It was so pointless and horrifying but we totally did it under the guise of “helping allys understand” and using guilt and empathy to try to win our humanity and right to exist from literal strangers and honestly like it did not work and it did jack shit and was so dumb and not worth and i will never not be bitter