#they should probably just kiss about it I’m just sayingggg

[gregoryeddiesgoldchain]

exactly

🫢🤭🫣

[cafeeden]

Wednesday July 4, 2018 I get to the YWAM 4th of July BBQ a little late with Kristin and Soli. The ice breakers are about what our dreams are, and what is stopping us from pursuing it. What a random (and vulnerable) ice breaker question to have. I shared mine. A few people around the circle go by, and Jinah shares. She owns a restaurant in Troy, NY called “SunHee’s” and their mission is to empower refugees and immigrants. I need to connect with her. I later find out through Richard Song that Allen Park apparently has a dream to open up a cafe as well. I missed his turn to share during ice breakers because I arrived late. “You know, just sayinggggg, but Allen wants to open a cafe too, just sayingggg.” We talk about it under the fireworks on the school lawn in Sleepy Hollow, NY. This cafe dream that has been immobilized with fear in me has revitalized itself through this BBQ.

Thursday July 12, 2018 12:45 PM - I call Jinah on the phone. For 30 minutes, I talk her through my fears. She says it very well can fail. But “know who you are without this dream.” Even if it fails, will I be able to know who I am, let alone praise God? She says “Let’s keep up with each other - shoot me some action steps. One phone call is just motivation. But we need accountability.”

I go back to work after my lunch break and print out 100 market research surveys. I’m excited to do this.

Friday, July 13, 2018 It’s the annual BDO Monmouth Racetrack outing. It doesn’t start until 12 PM, so I take the morning to Rahway with my surveys. Nervously, excitedly. My line is “I’m thinking about opening up a coffee shop on this corner and was wondering if I can get your opinion on it.” 

One black woman was apparently dyslexic, so I read the survey questions to her. She has previously suffered a stroke and couldn’t pronounce words with an ‘s’. She said she didn’t drink coffee, but likes “s-s-s-” -- “Soda,” I finish her sentence. “Yes.” I tell her thank you so much for her time. She touches my shoulder caringly, and carries on.

Another white man walks by. A sloppy t-shirt, basketball shorts, and flip flops. I use my practiced line. He continues walking past me, while listening, and says “I gotta open up right now, but it’s a good idea, I’ll come back out” and turns the key to The Irving Inn. I assume he won’t come back out, but I squeeze in a “I’d like to hear!” as he disappears into the restaurant. I ask a couple more people passing by. 

He actually does come back out. “So what do you want to know?” I share a bit with him. He shares his opinion-- it’s a good idea. His partner has wanted to open one too. This guy’s name is Jesse and he’s the owner of The Irving Inn. At that moment, two men are crossing the street towards us.

“Hey Joe, hey Matt!” Jesse says. “Hey are you in a rush? Do you have a second? This is Carol, she’s thinking about opening up a coffee shop on this corner.” We take a few steps towards them and Joe says “It would be wonderful.” He’s the city of Rahway’s community development leader. He asks if I want to take a walk with him to this youth program he was heading towards. Leads me to some vacant storefront that was being used as a youth center before it gets demolished. We talk more and Joe is really excited about this cafe. He hands me a Rahway Doggy Meetup flyer and says to come back out at 6:30 PM to meet some locals and get their opinion too. “I’d love to stay in touch and see how we can convince you to be here.” 

I’m back out on the corner of Irving when I hear “Carol!”. Turning around, it’s Jesse. He wants to introduce me to Heather, his friend who manages the Instagram account “rahwayhappening” in her free time. “She loves to give her two cents on everything, I’m sure she’d be happy to give yours.” Heather pulls up with iced Dunkin for Jesse. She’s thrilled about the coffee shop. “Love it, love everything you’re saying. Love it. Coffee ice cubes. Please.” She excitedly fills out my survey.

Jesse suggests that I come back out that night to check out the Friday night nightlife. I say I probably will.

I go spend a couple hours at the BDO outing and come back to Rahway for the doggy meetup. I meet Joe’s girlfriend, Serena who is bowing to me for taking initiative over a coffee shop. Meanwhile there’s this woman Chi Chi who has no pup, as hers died recently. But she’s a former bar owner and definitely a realist. She is shocked by how high the rent is at $2,400 and isn’t convinced that the people of Rahway will go. She says it needs to be $1,000. I enjoy the input with free cotton candy and water.

I also meet a gay couple named Ryan and Justin there. Justin has previously thought about opening up a coffee shop in the Gilded Lily white house, but ended up opening a trucking business instead. Then there was their friend named Bob, a RNA-scientist from DC who suggests a Latin green tea drink called “matte.” 

8 PM - Karl McGregor meets me at the doggy meetup. We head over to The Irving Inn and head straight back to the bar. It’s such a hidden gem. Jesse is now seen in a blue dress shirt and khaki dress pants with a towel slung neatly over his forearm, serving water to guests. Karl and I take a seat at the bar. Jesse comes by and says “It’s good to see you,” with a handshake as I introduce Karl to him too. I order a gin & tonic, Karl orders a num-something. We get the Korean corn dish for me and chicken wings for the Jamaican and get talking. Jesse joins us eventually and shares a bottle of 2016 Sancerre while he eats a fish dish. The wine is great but I don’t know much for bad wine either. Karl says it reminds him of sour beer, and Jesse totally agrees. We all spend the night talking and suddenly it’s 11:30. Jesse offers to take us on a little tour of Rahway.

We go around the block, and visit Rahway Fried Chicken. Ralph is there. I expected him to be a big black guy, but Ralph is like this Pacific Islander in his late 20s. Wearing a Rutgers shirt but went to Kean. Ralph is also all over the cafe idea. He helped open up the frame shop on E Cherry. Ralph is huge with the development of Rahway. Ralph tells me that he’d love to let me know the comparable lease prices in the area so that I can have negotiating power with Matt. Matt is apparently a highly recruited realtor by landlords because he gets the highest prices. How glad I am to have met Ralph. All these folks really. We exchange info and it’s midnight. Karl and Jesse shake hands. Jesse shakes my hand and kisses me on the cheek. Karl and I go home.

Saturday, July 14, 2018 9 AM we’re at Cai’s cafe. The coffee is horrible. The peanut butter toast is so peanut buttery that I can’t swallow it. But Karl talks my ear off being his consultant and caring self. I realize my vision is all over the place. He tells me I need to sit down and find out my mission statement. My mission statement is me. My business is my baby and a reflection of the parent. But I need to word vomit everything and then cross out whatever does not serve my mission statement. That’s my most important task. 

Jesse texts me that he’s going to Restaurant Depot and that I should join in on this field trip, as it’s one I’ll be making often. And that he’ll show me to Coffee Mill Roasters. I meet him in town at 1 PM. His silver Dodge RAM. How am I in the car with this dude I met 24 hours ago? He’s like 15 years older than me. We go, and the prices are much higher than I thought things would be. The freaking plastic dishwashing crate for cups is $39. “What am I looking at right now? Is this the right price?” Jesse says it is. He got 2 brooms, soap, and new glasses for his restaurant. The damage is $140 “for BS-- things that don’t generate revenue for me but I have to buy.” On the line for check-out, he says “You look scared.” I don’t remember what my response was, because I was. “I wish you didn’t bring me here, but I’m glad you did.” -- “You needed to see this,” he said.

We drive to Coffee Mill Roasters. Genero, the owner he talked about, no longer owns it. Jesse buys for us and we sit outside and talk a little while. I tell him how scatterminded I am and where I’m confused. He says I need the lean business plan-- a canvas-- with a simple menu, and a mission statement. I will need a head barista. He shares about his Chef, and his profit-sharing method. But Jesse really says I need to hone in on finishing this task. I listen with such intent. I feel my daddy issues arising. I feel cared for by this older guy. It’s a scary feeling to be attracted to someone that, in every other sense, is not attractive.

On the drive back to Rahway, Jesse talks more about Millburn and what a cool area it is. I talk about wanting to check out more of it. “You want to come back here sometime?” he asks. “Yeah” I quickly answer. “Oh God...” I think. He asks where I want to travel and I answer Iceland and New Zealand. New Zealand is apparently on his list along with Peru. He loves hiking. I say I don’t. I hope he doesn’t ask me to hike. Back at my car, we hug and say bye. It doesn’t feel like “just a hug.”

On the drive up to Soli’s house, I am freaking out with how real my daddy issues are. “What are his intentions?” I keep asking. It’s not just that he’s about business. I am really, really, freaking out.

Worked out and had dinner with Soli. Talked about our daddy issues. At the end of our dinner date, we drive back to her house and sit in the parked car about to pray for each other. I tell her I feel the enemy so close in my headspace with Jesse. She asks what I’m scared of-- that we’ll have sex? Like what is it? Well yes that we’ll have sex or get somehow involved and now I might open up a coffee shop next door to him and I’m trying to be a Gospel driven business??? I can’t. She prays some identity over me. I don’t need my void to be filled with someone. God is jealous for me, my love, my attention, my attraction. I know my worth endlessly in God. I don’t belong in the streets. I was rescued from there. Why would I go back? Not today Satan, not today.

Takeaways It’s not worth losing this God-given dream over a temptation. I know my worth. I also don’t need Jesse’s approval. I don’t need to be scared of being judged by him. He’s not my judge. I don’t need to hang out and do everything he wants. I know my worth. I’m 23 yes. And I know my worth.

My homework is to do this lean start up plan. Get a mission statement. Get a name. That’s my homework and focus this week. 

God. You’re my Dad. I need you in every frikkin molecular way possible, especially in such a time as this. Where great things are coming, great temptations are. You know me and my weaknesses. My daddy issues hitting from left field. Thank you for Soli. Thank you for the Holy Spirit’s conviction in me and confession. God protect me and your plan. Help me to love and be authentic. I don’t want to send a message to your people that you must be perfect to be loved by God. I’m an imperfect person loved by a perfect God. Lord give me your vision for this place. Yours Lord not mine. Please run this place. Allow me to be a vessel. Inspire me. Inspire in me the name of this place. Make a way and allow me to trust in you/ Help me know who I am apart from this dream. Let it be a tied around my neck. Grant me your wisdom, unknowable wisdom. I’m very tired now. But thank you God. I’ll talk to you in the morning.