#they say dont make all your ref sheets a week before

[im-here-homie]

GUESS WHO'S READY FOR ARTFIGHT!!!

Come at me bro

[thesupreme316]

how would the aew boys react to you breaking your nose if you can can you add Kenny thank you love you work🌺

AEW Stars React To: You Breaking Your Nose

yall are so sweet; thank you for supporting lil ol me ❤️❤️❤️❤️

Pairings: Kenny Omega x Reader, Eddie Kingston x Reader, Hook x Reader, Ricky Starks x Reader, Wheeler Yuta x Reader, Christian Cage x Reader, Santana x Reader,

Word Count: 920

Supreme Speaks: idk if I've done this before but here you go! thanks to anon for requesting this. please remember that you are loved and appreciated.

Warnings: mentions of father abandoning a bastard (typical Christian things), not proofread, mentions what happened for the reader to break their nose

Taglist: @wwenhlimagines @hooks-martin @hookerforhook @cassie0sstuff @triscillal @sheinthatfandom @eddie-kingstons-wifey

Kenny Omega (During training)

Kenny heard a small crack and immediately picked you up

Does not allow you to re-enter the ring and takes you to the doctor

Looks up home remedies to help you

Understands that you’re angry and tries to figure out ways to relieve you

“Do you want a coloring sheet? No, I don’t think you’re a child- okay now you’re acting like one…Yeah-uh”

Tells you stories about when he broke his (I can’t remember if he did) or his friends broke theirs

He tries to distract you from the pain by his jokes or practicing promos in front of you

Will intentionally mess up for you to smile

Kenny’s really upset that you’re injured but tries to brighten your day by any means possible

Eddie Kingston (Your opponent intentionally injured you)

I feel like I always say this…..EDDIE IS BIG MAD

Eddie is big on respect…he’ll respect you as long as you respect him and those he keeps close to him

Once he saw the ref throw up the X sign, oh Penta and Fenix had to hold him back from going to the ring

Then he saw your bloody face….he started to cuss out your opponent

And then he cussed out Kenny and the Bucks for allowing someone with bad blood to go against you

Will drive you personally to the hospital cause he needs to lay eyes on you

He’s ticking in so much anger that you’ll need to calm him down

“I’m fine doll, I just hate how a shithead couldn’t contain their displeasure to themselves. On the bright side, you still looked like a god/goddess....betta than their hating ass”

Santana (You took an extreme bump in the ring)

You took a facebuster on the ladder and then bounced off, rolling outside of the ring

Listen, this man would be the one to stop watching your match just out of fear (he hates you getting hurt)

Like he physically cannot watch the match anymore

Once he saw blood dripping down your face, he automatically asked for the match to be stopped or at least for you to stop participating

When you come backstage, he automatically hugs you as he doesn’t care about the blood on his shirt

“Mi amor, you scared me out there…I thought I had to go jail while you go to the hospital”

You have to hold him back from cursing out your opponent(s)

Distracts you with food and cuddles (DONT @ ME)

Wheeler Yuta (Your opponent accidentally injured you)

Baby boy is sad

He just looks like someone knocked the wind out of him; he hates seeing you bleed

Is subconsciously mad af at your opponent

Will literally baby you for the rest of the day, week, month, hell even year

“You’re not gonna take any more knees to the face. I won’t allow it….NO BIG BOOTS EITHER”

I think he would be the one to buy protective gear for you while Bryan and Mox look on in concern as he picks up everything in the damn store

He thinks that breaking your nose limits all activity and movement for you

Will not let a minute go by without him saying how pretty you are (with and without a straight nose)

Hook (Someone was trying to fight him and they hit you)

Okay…… man is literally the devil

Will make sure that you are okay before tossing the person over his head

He is punching the shit out of them until he looks over at you and sees blood

Hook gives one more punch before carrying you to a safe corner

He immediately gets you ice before taking you to the doctor

Feels guilty about you getting hit, mentally beats himself up

“I’m so sorry that I allowed that to happen.”

I truly do think that Hook would feel so bad and will try his best to make it up to you in any way possible

Will buy flowers, bears, food, a nerf gun (whatever your heart desires)

Ricky Starks (You hit a door)

Imma be honest….he laughed at you

Like full-on cackled as soon as you made contact with the door (it sounded like an evil witch)

But stopped once he saw blood pouring down your face

Feels like a jackass as he brings you to the doctor (I also think he is saying sorry repeatedly)

Once he hears the word surgery, he offers to pay for it

As your spirit starts to pick up and you feel like yourself after the initial wave of shock

Ricky will go back to laughing at you

Will joke about your nose only when you're comfortable and accepting of the fact

“It’s not my fault you got your ass kicked by a damn door”

Christian Cage (A fan threw something at you)

He’s suing and kicking out the bastard who threw the object at you during the meet-and-greet

Tells security to get him and sends Luchasuarus for extra support

He immediately shuts down his booth and walks you to medical support

Sends a tweet that calls out people who think that was cool and okay

“You’re a disappointment, no wonder your father left you”

Holds you and whispers caring thoughts that only you can hear

Buys anything and everything you need (already paid for the surgery)

Offers to buy a security squad so you can protect yourself

[jabberwockjamboree]

Hi🥰! Sorry for the random ask and for likes/rbs spam😅 but i just wanted to say that your artstyle is literally THE BEST??? Like, im in LOVE??? HELP??? So inspiring🥺 (im a begginer artist). I was wondering if u had any tips on drawing Naruto/Naruto characters? Or drawing in general? But feel free to ignore this and either way, have an awesome day/night💜!

dont apologize for your ask! i warmly welcome any and all questions!!! first of all you are so sweet!!! 💖💖💖 i am heckin delighted with any spam likes/reblogs so dont sweat it. i've never been asked for art tips before so i'll do my best!

kinda long post so

i've only watched og naruto so i'm only familiar with most of the characters in part 1 (design wise i think they all peaked too soon). what's helped me a lot is looking through screenshots of characters and using a character/reference sheet that can be found with google. reference is your best friend but i tend to get too nitty gritty about my piece looking exactly like my ref so use it as a guide for costume/accessories (i.e. can i see the tail ends of the headband with the angle i'll be using? is this a skirt or pants and how can i make it look like the fabric is flowing in the wind? )

of course practice drawing the characters you like often. as you draw you'll develop your style so experiment with faces, shapes, colors, and what have you. i don't know what your style is like so i can only be vague in these tips.

as for general art tips, TAKE BREAKS!!! i still struggle with going for hours non stop drawing and it's unhealthy 0/10 would not recommend! breaks can be anywhere between a few hours between drawing sessions to days or weeks without drawing. this is especially true with art block. and it is okay.

another tip i have is for when your drawing just isn't going the way you want. just get rid of it. you don't have to actually trash it or anything, just try again. you'll grow from doing multiple iterations of a piece and eventually you land somewhere that feels right. many of those naruto pieces i did were made after 5-10 or even more sketches that sucked. you gotta get all the bad art out and maybe something decent will come out of it. thats just how art is baby. but know that i believe in you. 👍

tl; dr

naruto characters tip: use reference and experiment baby

general art tips: take breaks and delete your art when it's not working out, just keep trying until something does

i hope any of this is helpful if not things you've already heard. anyway thanks again for your kind words 😙😙😙 you also have a great day/night💕!

[uhhhhhhhhhsblogyea]

♤| dragon ball shapeshifter au

storyline rundown

part two

tw: profanity !! a bit of gore and such

the story begins on kakarot's farm! he lives with his parents, bardock and gine, and his brother raditz.

kakarot takes his produce to the market to sell, talking to krillin who is a police officer watching over in case of robbery or stolen goods, with his wife 18 and his daughter marron.

he hangs out there and sells all his produce, making a whopping amount of money to give back to his mother to go towards their farm. so thats what he does.

later that night, raditz barged in through the door, huffing loudly and covered in purple blood. it had a reddish tint. gine and bardock jump to their feet, bardock still in his training gi and gine in her white shirt and some sweatpants. "raditz!? what happened?" bardock exclaimed, gine following up with "why are you covered in... purple blood!?" this caused kakarot to come out of his room in a rush, "h-h-holy s-shit! i didnt kill anyone i swear mom, mom, dad please, i wouldn't do that!" raditz panicked. "s-something tried to attack me! i didnt know what to do so i attacked back!!" he tries to wipe the blood off, it being on his face.

whatever happened, scared raditz enough to make him shake in fear and what seems to be regret despite it being to protect himself.

kakarot however, still was unsure what happened. his father said he would explain in the morning, the situation was too dire for kakarot to get involved - especially with the police.

in town, vegeta covered his bloodied chest, panting as he hid deep in an alleyway. "goddammit," he huffs, slicking his hair back to keep the human bangs out of his face. hes got a huge gash across his chest, thanks to that damned raditz he happened to work with. luckily, he was morphed into some other alien lifeform and not his original shift state. he slowly morphed into a bird, a finch, and flew off to him apartment. he always kept his window cracked just in case this were to happen. just his luck, we wont be able to eat and to heal he needs that energy for food or else hell be out asleep for awhile.

he decides calling off work, so thats what he does. what he doesnt expect is a man with a thick ass fucking tail and slicked back purple hair and red eyes to be reading a book, lounging like a king on his bed. "f... frieza!?" vegeta says, startled.

"ah hello my creation! lovely seeing you here, dont you think?" he throws the book off to the side, getting up and striding over to the bloodied vegeta. "aw looks like you got a paper cut." he jabs a finger into vegetas cut across his chest. vegeta groans in pain, a tentacle whipping around to hit frieza away into a safer distance, but the icejin blocks smoothly with his muscled tail.

from here:

wow!! you found out vegeta is a "creation" of friezas, but what exactly does that mean?

raditz gets taken in for questioning. he gets blamed for a murder that happened on the otherside of town, the law system being dumb sentenced him to 25 years in prision for a murder he didnt do

kakarot is confused, bardock telling him there arent any alien threats and it was a misunderstanding on the jury and judge's parts bc raditz was getting mugged and a murder far away happened at roughly the same time, and they were desperate to throw someone into jail.

this is a lie, to some extent. kakarot believes it, living happily thinking there are no threats

vegeta attacked raditz, needing food. shapeshifters need to eat hearts and lungs of animals as food

raditz is the one who cut him across the chest (thatd why he has a scar on his chest in the ref sheet)

kakarot has to bring crops and milk into a market farther into town sometime in the next week, it being an event ran by capsule corp, a company that produces a lot of housing and vehicles and being in business for 40 years being the anniversary that day.

vegeta is a mechanical manager, wearing fancy clothing that day since its technically a high spot in the ranks for capsule corp.

vegeta likes milk, surprisingly. it helps a lot when recovering damage, especially his species. this is when he meets kakarot

kakarot is running his stand with the crates of crops and glass jars of milk set out on display with their price, krillin with him

vegeta is annoyed he has to speak up to get the seller's attention so he grunts with an "ahem"

kakarot jumps, apologizing and asking what he wants to buy. vegeta gets his milk and some vegetables for someone he knows

"hey, whats with the fancy suit?"

"you dont know who i am?"

"no. should i?"

"i-? im vegeta! im manager of the mechanics in capsule corp!"

"oh. is the job hard?"

they conversate, as kakarot sells his produce happily listening as he was able to get the short man with a temper to talk about his job.

vegeta himself was caught off guard by this action but happily talks

this ends in kakarot running behing the stand's curtain and grabbing his business card so vegeta can have a discount on milk next time he decides to buy

vegeta takes the card walking off

the card has kakarots name and number on the back, a message saying "text me personally if you want extra, i dont mind taking some. you seem cool!"

vegeta is a bit ticked, but pockets the card

over time, vegeta and kakarot talk over text a bit, kakarot delivering him milk like an old time milk delivery boy

turns out he actually used to be one as a kid

turns out hes been into marial arts as well, a long time interest of vegetas

they bond over this, kakarot find himself growing a crush on vegeta

one time kakarot stops buy with a delivery unannounced, not knowing he typed the text but didnt send it. he knocks on vegetas apartment door, but no answer.

he checks to see if its unlocked, and it is so he lets himself in, just wanting to put the delivery on the counter and head out.

he doesnt expect to turn around and see a vegeta with a towel wrapped around his waist, tentacles coming out of his back, green eyes, and sharp ears, teeth, and claws. "K-KAKAROT!? WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?" he yells, surprised. he doesn't have bangs either

"why do you have tentacles?? why do you look different? why do you have that scar?"

vegeta is caught off guard, not sure if he should push kakarot out or tell him the truth. one way or another he knows the truth will spread, so he carefully debates his options

he tells kakarot the truth, hes a shapeshifter and hes insanely dangerous

kakarot is surprised dangerous aliens exist

he tells vegeta this, and deep down vegeta is mad kakarot is sheltered

little do they know as they conversate and bond, growing closer to each other kakarot finds out vegeta made a vow not to ever get in a relationship no matter how much he envied them, especially a human relationship, a certain someone is watching them and listening in, theyre keeping tabs on vegetas and kakarots feelings

trust issues amirite?

later that night, kakarot says his goodbye heading home, heart pounding. wow!!!! vegeta is... great. very great. kinda cute too, i mean what!?? no!!

kakarot rants to himself aloud in his room, window open to keep himself cool, about vegeta as he debates his feelings. he doesnt care if this seems out of character in his friends terms, all they see from him anyway is a dense fightcrazed guy with a dysfunctional relationship with an ex and his son. he realized vegeta doesnt see him like that, but, what DOES vegeta see him as?

he calls it a night

he wakes up to a "thwap, thwap, thwap" against his wooden floor

he sits up, looking around and seeing a short figure sitting at his desk.

"whos there?"

"ah, youre awake monkey! i have valuable information for you, about your lovely vegeta." the voice is squeaky

"and, who is telling me this?" kakarots interest is piqued, not seeing the mysterious figure as a threat, as of now at least

"oh-hohoho! im dr. cold! but please, call me frieza. doctor cold is my father's name."

"and what do you have to tell me about vegeta?"

"mmm, are you sure you want to know?" he gets up, beginning to pace

"theres a catch isnt there" kakarot realizes, serious

"oh! maybe you arent so dense afterall. yes, there iss monkey. its simple, deliever some of your left over crop to my facility tomorrow, i already left the address on a paper over on that... pitiful little desk of yours." frieza pauses. "vegeta will kill you if you arent careful. hes hungry, and he wants that heart. but... i think the poor creation wants it in more than one way. kill him before he kills you."

frieza hands kakarot a box cutter

"thats the only thing that will kill him. if you dont do it i expect that delivery tomorrow by midnight. if you dont show, and theres no news of him being dead, youll be a brilliant collection to my creations, monkey!" the man laughs in joy, clasping his hands together as his red eyes pierce through kakarot

kakarot reluctantly agrees, unsure how this will play out

PART TWO WILL BE MADE SOON!!!

anyway heres the part 1 of the rundown.

[eirian]

updated commission post, including a new option! please consider buying or spreading the word by reblogging!

im taking four slots per batch!

PLEASE read all the rules !!

im only allowing one order per slot because it would be confusing to take multiple ones in this case !!  you may order one option per slot, but im only allowing at most two slots per person so ppl have a better chance of grabbing one !!  if you want to order two things, you must request two slots !!

i work on a first-come-first-served basis !!  though your slot may be before someone else’s, if they pay first, then i will work on theirs first !!

I ONLY ACCEPT PAYPAL !!  all prices are in USD and some are ranged; if your character is detailed, i’ll charge the higher price !!

rules, details, slots, and T.O.S. under the cut !!!

T.O.S. (also stated on the form) ((updated october 14th, 2018))

i will post all commissions with a watermark to reduce the risk of theft; if you do not want me to post your commission and want me to instead just send it to you, please specify !!

i will NOT share your email; i will only use it for sending you your commission and invoice

i am not a machine !!  please be patient; i WILL finish your commission, whether it be the same day or the week after !!

i have the right to decline or cancel any commission if it makes me uncomfortable or if i am unable to do it.  in the event that your commission is cancelled after you have paid, you will receive a full refund

i sometimes send wips of the commissions and possibly stream while i work to both help me focus and also to make sure things are looking alright with your commission; if you have any issues with this, please tell me !!

i will send a watermarked and unwatermarked version of your commission (excluding icons).  ONLY POST THE WATERMARKED VERSION IF YOU PLAN ON REPOSTING IT–this is to prevent illegal usage and theft !!  the exception to this is for toyhou.se, but please credit my toyhou.se (DanPhantom) for the art! in addition, i’d appreciate if you simply reblogged/retweeted your commission instead of reposting it, except on websites where i do not post such as instagram

you may NOT reproduce the commissioned work for monetary gain in any way, shape, or form

ICON DETAILS:

200x200 px

solid, pattern, or transparent bgs

border or no border

square, rounded square, circle, or other shape

*i can do joint icons! but this requires two slots because its technically two icons. just say you want this before i give you the form!*

CHARA DOLL DETAILS:

400x400 px

transparent bgs

flat colors only; no shading

multiple characters are allowed; they’ll be + $20

characters will be simplified !!  if your character has details you want me to include, you must specify so i wont exclude them from simplification !!

FULL BODY DETAILS:

sketches or full color

sizes vary (i work at 100% zoom but i increase the size)

*pls note that the brush i use for sketches changes constantly*

multiple characters allowed; they’ll be + $40-$50 depending on complexity

SIMPLE bgs (such as shapes or gradients) are allowed but nothing i’ll actually have to draw out

REF SHEET DETAILS:

white bg

color palette

single full body*

sizes vary (i work at 100% zoom but i increase the size)

*extras (such as extra shots of the head for hair styles or something) will be available for at least $5 more!  anything more complicated than that will cost more!

CUSTOM DETAILS:

i’ll start out by sketching out concepts for your design and you help me pick out what works best for you

i’ll then go through the coloring process, again getting your feedback on what you like best

the final product will be a simple ref sheet of your design [read: a full body + color palette], but you may add extra details just like with the simple ref sheets!

+extra head shot (for maybe a different angle) = +$10

+extra body shot (for multiple outfits or body scar/tattoo/marking references) = +$20

+anything else can be discussed!  some things (such as paw pad refs or extra eye colors) will be free

**THIS TYPE OF COMMISSION WILL TAKE A WHILE AND WILL INVOLVE A LOT OF TALKING WITH ME!  character design is a process, so please be patient with me!  i’ll probably ask a lot of questions, too, so be ready for that!**

THINGS I WILL DO:

furries

humanoids

animals

canon characters (danny phantom and dragon ball characters are easiest for me !!)

refs from 3d models or real photos (i’m not very confident in my ability to do these, so fair warning on that)

THINGS I WILL NOT DO:

text-only references (i can only work with pictures!)

nsfw/fetish/kink stuff (although i MIGHT be willing to do slightly suggestive stuff. i like drawing butts)

mechas/armored characters (UNLESS the armor/tech is simple and cartoony, like skulker or fright knight) ((also possible exceptions for icons)) (((we can discuss exceptions if i really like the characters, like junkrat)))

shippy stuff (i may make exceptions if we’re friends and im comfortable with it but just to be safe no shippy stuff) ((exceptions for your ocs!))

genderbends (im just not comfortable w/ these sorry)

nazis/nazi imagery

racist caricatures

etc. characters that promote harmful or bigoted views

please ask me if youre unsure whether or not your character fits any of these !!  i reserve the right to decline a commission if i feel uncomfortable with it or feel as if i can’t do it

HOW TO ORDER:

send me an IM (preferred), ask, twitter dm, discord message (if we’re contacts), dA note, OR an email to doodlysketch@gmail.com to reserve a slot

once you have a slot, i will send you a link to a form you need to fill out with all your details

once you’ve filled out the form, you’ll be in my queue !!

i will then send an invoice asking for payment (i dont require you to pay immediately, but i WILL NOT start your commission until i receive payment !!  i allow 10 days for payment but if you can’t pay by then i’ll assume you no longer want the commission and your slot will be reopened)

SLOTS (crossed out is finished):

1. finn

2. jaxon

3. 

4. 

[readfelice-blog]

moominland chronicles fünfzehn: felice vs the german health care system

Hello you, 

It’s 4am on Friday morning, I’m lying in bed with one of my 3 flowered ikea lamps burning away, holding my cuddly pig tight to my chest whilst I tap out this blog on my iphone, balanced on a pillow.

I cant sleep.

I’m going to get a taxi to hospital in 5 hours.

Before we start all that please administer any of the below music to yourself as an accompaniment, I’ve been dipping my toes into the clear water of pop shoals this week, I might be the last person to have listened to blond (an article in vice insisted upon me lining it up on my google play - still no cd player, I know):

Frank ocean

Nikes (song, always a fan of a big opener on an album)

https://vimeo.com/179791907?ref=em-share

Blond (album, yes you've probably heard it already)

https://www.discogs.com/Frank-Ocean-Blond/master/1046042

I'm also late on the train for Mitski I’m sure, but the words, restrain in her voice and divergent harmonies (discordant, is that better?) are searing through me, might listen again in the hospital tomorrow.

Though perhaps as she grows older she wont long for that kiss quite as much as she does now, because prince charming will never save her really (though she does acknowledge that from time to time on this album)

Mitski

A horse named cold air (song)

https://youtu.be/ce3m-o1pZqY

Be the cowboy (Album)

https://mitski.bandcamp.com/album/be-the-cowboy

And just this one song, which kind of speaks frankly from my heart a little, or at least I sympathise with, though in a fuller sense my situation is very different and it’s only my little brain that identifies with the lyrics.

SZA: the weekend

https://youtu.be/PALMMqZLAQk

So then.. youre suited and booted musically, lets press on shall we? After all I mentioned hospital, it would be cruel just to taper off now.

Heres my small brain again:

Fuck the fucking german health system, fuck all those uptight bigoted cunts that put the phone down on me this week, fuck my insurance for charging me since july and slyly adding it to my bill, fuck the man at the tk queue yesterday who aggressively shouted at me for talking on the phone with my sister, about my illness, at the first opportunity that day after a very strange experience with the gynaecologist.

Ok, 

I’m breathing, my small brain is retracting, lets continue a bit less aggressively now.

Health health health, we’re jumping back on the theme from last week, because sometimes illness doesn't go away, and as this blog is my warts and all document of the weird happenings of my life, I am going to be very very open about whats happening to me this week.

So I’m bleeding, like all pre menopausal women do who dont take contraception that inhibits it, thats what was happening in Paris, thats what has been happening for 3 weeks.

I’ve been bleeding for 3 weeks, yes.

I had really bad period pains last time round, which is unusual for me these days, I took buscopan plus, i soldiered on, then it stopped for a week, then it returned, light some days, heavier seemingly at the weekends. I pigheadedly pushed through physically exhausting weeks of cleaning, travelling, working, I’m a freelance cleaner, I don't get sick pay or holiday pay, I have to work or I can't pay rent.

I wrote a blog about it last weekend. But that was just before the blood clots starting coming, when the first one fell out it plopped in the toilet, I was so shocked I fished it out and curiously studied it (warts and all, I’m sick of skirting the weirdness in my life: its there: get used to it). I thought it was a dead baby, it was monstrous and displayed a horrid kind of plasticity as it eerily shifted round the jar in my hand I was gently coercing. It was an alien, more like rosemary's baby than my cherub cheeked nephew.

That was MONDAY.

I thought, ok the babies fallen out, now it’ll surely stop.

On sunday the bear got in touch, he'd been trying to phone, he was annoyed he couldn't get in contact, he was horny. I told him I was still bleeding, he insisted I go to the doctors, in his very forthright way, he sent me money to go even: because i was clueless about my insurance at that point. I knew i’d been getting letters I couldn't read from tk (die teckniker, german health insurance provider)  for months, since I stopped working at the hostel, but I’d just carefully ignored them.

I didn't have the money to pay for health insurance.

I botched my first attempt to see a gynaecologist, I made an appointment online but the transfer the bear made was not in my bank so he asked me to phone them and check payment methods. When I did the receptionist point blank refused to speak English to me, my quandary was simply, “Do I need cash today?” But she was haughty and unsympathetic, another colleague took the phone, who even through garbled understanding felt kinder but it soon transpired that my appointment was for November 1st not October 1st.

“Im very ill i dont think I can wait that long.”

I phoned Meoclinic to be told by a woman with razors in her voice who suddenly became sickeningly sweet after she’d told me it was €400 just to see someone. I felt like the pleasure she was deriving from me tripping over my words and despairingly saying that was to much money for me, was enough for her to take home and masturbate over later, in her silky agent provocateur corset, on silk sheets, with a flute of champagne on the bedside table.

I gave up for the day and decided that tomorrow I’d go to the doctors I went to for my sti test a few months ago, they were very nice. They spoke english, they had open appointments the next day at 18h.

TUESDAY

More clots started coming, big, gloopy, just pouring out of me, they were announced by a tirade of blood, I was soaking through organic pads at an alarming rate.

So that wasn't the baby on Monday then.

I went to clean first, I cant afford to not clean for reasons stated above, at an office where the woman who employs me talks to me through gritted teeth as if our every interaction is painful to her.

Lowly pauper girl, know your place.

Anyway due to logistical issues she had probably not envisaged, I didn't do the whole job and left early. I walked out on to the money lined streets of Uhlandstrasse, Cara Delevine’s svelte androgynous eyes staring out at me from various glass paned monoliths, and sat on a moth eaten bench, very upset from the shift, feeling utterly worthless, responsible and at fault, bleeding.

Then I had a cigarette, collected myself and went to tk: Round 1.

I waited, gushing out blood, in line for 25 minutes to see the receptionist, then a further 10/15 to see the sales girl. I dont have to pay them straight away but when november comes I will have to pay them 720+€ , plus from then on 180€ a month, from an average wage of 800€.

In retrospect I was probably fully within my right to protest starting the contract from July 1st, but I was so grateful for someone health related to be talking to me in English and perhaps it will stand in my favour now the hospital bills will be tallying up.

I left with no card or proof of insurance.

I went home, lay down, then showered, laced my trainers and went back into the world depleted, to Mehringdam to see the emergency doctors, it was raining heavily outside.

They were different this time, I had no proof of insurance but I had the bears money so I was paying cash, I waited dutifully and wrote in my diary.

It was a different female doctor, a more boxy and less vital woman than the previous medic I’d met at the same clinic. About halfway into my bloody tale of woe she stopped me panic stricken.

“You know this is a doctors surgery, you have to go to a gynaecologist.”

“Ok, so you cant help me.” - i start putting my coat back on.

A pause.

“Can you at least refer me to one? I’ve had a hard time trying to find a gynaecologist, I can't really speak German, people have been very rude to me so far, I came back here because I remember people were kind and tried to help me, even though I wasn't sure it was the right place.”

We go out to reception where I stand in front of 2 receptionists who speak in German and totally ignore me, the doctor hands me some measly bits of paper with contact details printed on them and hurries away. Shaken from my bloody tale of woe I imagine she just sits in her office for 10 minutes alone obsessively sterilising her hands and shuddering.

I continue to look at the 2 women in front of me who carry on as if I am invisible for a further 5 minutes, I tell them I’m going to the toilet and then coming back, they brush me off. More blood pours out of me. I return and finally they allow me to pay them, I plod back out into the rain and miserably wait for a bus, head home via the shops and climb back into bed.

WEDNESDAY

Is a national holiday, so I can't sort anything, my client offers me the day off, I take it. I make 9 drawings for my project, bounce the rough edit of the album I’m working on, pull myself to the dance studio I’ve started to rent to practise my live show. Have a long overdue singsong, though I can't really dance i can still sing.

Sunday edit: I’ve since missed 2 bookings at the studio because of this infernal bleeding, hope I can go back soon, it was utterly riveting to finally find a place I could sing as loudly as I wanted.

It's a glorious day even though blood still rains, I’m not cleaning, I’m doing what i really want to do.

THURSDAY

I need to be at my clients early, but I go via the apotheke on the way, there a pharmacist advises me on the best way to take iron and vitamin supplements, sells me ibuprofen and alerts me to the gynaecologist upstairs, but she’s only open till 13h, my job is supposed to finish at that time.

I hum and haa as I hobble to my clients and when I get there decide to finish the job early and see if I can get an appointment.

On the way into the building there's a system of doors, I enter alongside an elderly gentleman with a walking stick and we have quite the time not understanding each other, me holding doors for him, him very jovially propping them open with his stick. I have no idea what’s being said but something tender and wonderful is occurring between us that puts a lightness back in my step.

This reception is slick and clean, the receptionist is neat and elegant. But the doctor isn’t there. They wouldn’t accept my tk insurance anyway, they’re going on holiday till November.

Ok,

I leave and just flop down on the street outside, I’m supposed to be doing a double clean today but I have a 2 hour window before my next job, which is only a 15 minute walk away. I’m getting closer to seeing someone. Still crouched down on the street, still bleeding, I dig out the contacts handed to me, one is for a doctors I’ve called before. I call 2 numbers from the 4 sheets I have, both go through to hard voiced women who utterly refuse to attempt to speak English to me and relish the goodbyes they bestow before they coldly put the phone down. To the second one I say in English:

“I’m really sick, but if I don’t speak German I am just going to continue to be sick, is that what you’re telling me?”

I found a list on google, theres a male gynaecologist just up the road, a man rummaging in my lady bits is a bit disconcerting but truly I’m beyond pride now.

This reception is more modest, I place my cleaning bucket on the floor and then just start with

“I’m losing a lot of blood, can you please help me.”

He’s in.

These receptionists are gorgeous humans, they speak to me in broken English, they’re shocked I’ve been bleeding for 3 weeks, yes he will see me, please take a seat.

He’s a big warm man with no sexual energy, I tell him everything, I feel so grateful just to be able to see him that I’m bowing as I say thank you. I get sent to a little room, remove my trousers and knickers, get let into another room, climb on the chair, he inserts the spy camera dildo (ultrasound) device inside me, then on the screen we look at a ball like thing inside my womb.

Hes glowing when he tells me its probably a very early pregnancy, he’s so excited, though it’ll most likely be a miscarriage, but he paints a future where my little fetus determinedly survives the bloodletting and in 9 months time arrives in my life.

I cover everything in blood, which freaks him out.  

“You’re really bleeding a lot.”

He gives me the ultrasound photo, then after some confusion I go to the nurses and deposit a urine sample on the counter of another room.

“Thank you so much for seeing me.”

“Of course: you have been bleeding for 3 weeks.”

As I wait in the reception for the test results a new future, inconceivable before this point, rolls out before me, where I have the baby and take the government stipend to look after it as a single mother, I thought I didn’t want kids but something seems so precious about this vision. It’ll just be me and my little ball of love, together in some warm cosy flat in Prenzlauer Berg, surrounded by all the other Berlin mothers.

The test is negative, a jolt of dismay passes through me, the vision is shattered, I have to go to the hospital he says. They give me the bill, without proof of insurance I pay in cash, thanking the bear silently. He also tells me to go to my insurance and get a letter, because the hospital will really cost a lot.

So I go home, breathe and collect myself, go back out. Spend over an hour wandering around looking for a photo kiosk for my insurance card (not blind> I’m using google maps to try locate one), finally I find it nestled into a dark part of the s bahn station, it costs double what the machine costs but I just eat the charge, earlier I’d spend 30 minutes wandering around the crossroads outside Leopaldplatz: the fotofix on the map was apparently invisible, I need a picture. I then wait for another 30 minutes to have my photo taken.

When I get to the u bahn where tk is there is a fotofix booth right there, to my left as I walk out of the station, I really hold myself back from screaming and kicking over all the chairs arranged outside the cafe before me. I finally manage to call my sister and it's a glorious funny loving chat, cut short by the aforementioned man in the tk queue.

I tell him in english which he insists he doesn't understand, that I am having the day from hell and that was the first time I’ve managed to speak to that person, he abuses me again in German but then stands very far away from me, the shame weaving around him, I curse him, but its a little thing, just that I hope he gets eaten by spider babies.

Don’t take yourself too seriously.

I retrieve my letter from the receptionist, the same sales woman I spoke to on Tuesday who doesn’t recognise me at all.

It’s getting late in the day, I call back my sister and head to Charite Campus Mitte, as I get there it dawns on me this is where I was an extra on an art video shoot around 3 weeks ago.

There is no discernable entrance, it seems mostly deserted. I travel up in a lift towards the gynakolgie department, but when I exit the skybent box that is my vehicle there is no clear signage towards it, just a door to an emergency exit staircase, wind billowing behind it, with a note in fluoro yellow fixed on its metallic facade and a bridge / corridor leading to empty waiting rooms.

I give up, decide I’ll go to the address given to me by the doctors tomorrow. I’ll go home and sleep now.

Home, I eat then I crash, I get into bed at 19h, I’m still here its now 6am and I’ll try sleep a bit more before I get a taxi at 9am.

I’m scared

It’s like some sick version of the night before christmas, black humour and absurdity have been welcome companions but armour fades in bed, so writing this in the knowledge I will share it with the online community has been the only thing I can do to douse the fear.

I’ll probably have to beg receptionists later but I just hope I get to someone who can start to mend me, because the blood is still coming, for the first time since it started it stained my sheets last night but I’ve wiped them down a little.

Sunday edit: the sheets are now in the wash.

Saturday edit: they did see me, I’m having an operation on monday at 9:30, the saga continues because I have to rush back to the gynaecologists first on monday to get a note so I can be operated on : as by the time I got out of hospital on friday the gynaecologists surgery was closed and nothing is open on the weekends.

And on the anaesthetists form where it asked me who would be collecting me or looking after me for 24 hours after the procedure I stubbornly wrote noone. Though my mentor will be around as I swallowed my pride and asked her.

And, of course, I just expect more bullshit: that was my dads very astute advice:

“Expect more bullshit Felice.”

So then, yes I should speak German, yes I should of sorted my insurance, yes I’ve been irresponsible.

Saturday edit: I’ve been utterly irresponsible and disrespectful to the country I live in, I MUST learn German and make more of an effort to learn their culture, right now I’m truly an idiot abroad.

I might cancel all my jobs next week as well if I’m really sick, I might not be able to go to Krakow and watch Eartheater,

Saturday edit: All my jobs are cancelled, one of the days next week is my birthday, which I’d scheduled a double clean on so perhaps it’s not all bad.

But I’m not going to see Eartheater, if you’ve heard irisiri though ( LISTEN TO IT, I IMPLORE YOU, MORE THAN ONCE, on the first listen it’s quite harsh: https://alexdrewchin.bandcamp.com/releases) then you’ll immediately understand that not going to her show because I’m having my uterus forcibly wedged open and something cut out of it, is utterly appropriate, it’s like missing formula one because you got hit by a ferrari.

I hope I’ll be better by turin.

Saturday edit: very much.

I will still finish this project whatever happens.

Saturday edit: Now I have a week off it should help.

But I’m not 100% sure how I will make ends meet this month.

Saturday edit: Perhaps the polyp they cut out of me on monday is really an alien and I get paid hush money not to leak the story to the press.

I really miss the nhs, its a big soft Pugsy bear I just want to hug and hold and thank for everything it’s done for me over the years.

The german health system is an amalgamation of all these callous female receptionists, ignoring you and filing their niles whilst you just bleed out in front of them.

But still, I’m stubborn, its a test and i will overcome it whatever it is. I am not leaving berlin, I am standing taller, stronger and more powerful than before. I’ve experienced completely new angles and feelings this week, it’s been abhorrent but kind of sickly enjoyable as well. Life is always entertaining as it energetically throws its bounty of strangeness, cruelty and beauty (etc) at you.

It’s all good fun, even the dark days.

I’m going to try get a bit of shut eye now, might move my alarm back a little see if I can get 2 hours before i wake up to get a taxi.

Take care everyone, if you made it to the end then I guess thank you for reading as well, it’s a long fraught one this week eh?