#they made him to be a tool fine he'll do his fucking job

[stuck-in-the-ghost-zone]

HI. MACKERELMORE. nhw trickster. killington. amity. the chaos zone. deadwood. new and funny and interesting ways to slaughter people. tide clone shit. bonesaw boiling the failed clones alive. muse. trickster using muse to do shit like u just saw in killington. the wards seeing the trickster using muse to execute people in ways Like That. holds up mic!!!!!!!!!!!!

GOD. THERES SO MUCH GOOD FUCKING FOOD FOR NHW IN THE CHAPTERS I READ EARLIER. fuck. god. shit. okay.

starting with the trickster bc i feel like when i get into tides stuff ill talk for 10 years. ohhhhh my god dude as soon as they walked into a town called fucking KILLINGTON ????? i was like. god thats a joke trickster would make huh!!!!! hed think thats so fucking funny. (and it is. but only to me who has the advantage of seeing this as a narrative and not a real event i am experiencing. fucking hilarious shit. killington??!?!?!?!? killington. ) i have a lot of thoughts about the shit he did to Amity before he escaped and like. yeah. fuckin yeah. i dont think he wouldve killed Everyone in the city (gotta have. puppets to play with and also like. people who hes not controlling to chase around and hunt for sport) (this is fucking terrifying and awful! this is so bad! like catastrophically so!) but i definitely think when the wards go to amity (because i want them to do that so bad at some point) i think it will be in sort of a similar state to this with like. bodies strung up like decorations. graffiti made from fuckign. ash and blood and paint all mixed together. really obviously placed traps. etc etc etc. jsut like. evidence that this place is like his fucking playground! horrifying!

anyway yeah also muse holy shit. muse has to singlehandedly raze at least one fuckign town. for sure. dude dude like that fucking video jack had where they had everyone gathered together before they started killing them? that but with trickster and muse? and its . more fucking scary because instead of 200+ slaughterhouse 9 clones its literally JUST trickster and muse. and whatever random handful of puppets trickster is controlling around the edge of the crowd for extra sets of hands.. aauogaouguguhhghhhgh. i need them to do horrific shit.

OKAY. CLONE TIME. CLONE TIM.E . OUGHGHHGHGH TIIIIDE. TIIIIIIIIDE. how many failed clones do you htink there were. how many failed clones to make tide and magma. do you think they know about the failed clones. they got fucking BOILED ALIVE. do u think tide and magma ever see any of the other clones before theyre ready and they have to look at their own fucking faces (face?) and think about that. i still have that post abt the lambert family in my drafts god i need 2 finish that but. in my mind tide and magma are the oldest (technically magma is the oldest but tide was like. a year or less after him so theyre closer in age) and then it was. seismic and whirlwind at the same time so theyre twins. and then shockwave. and then elle. so i think tide and magma have that Eldest Sibling bond where they have. Issues that are parallel to each other. and a LOT of that comes from being endbringer juniors and a lot of that comes from being clones. but where magma got closed off and aloof about it tide like. desperately clung to kindness bc he doesnt like when people are scared of him. anyway im getting distracted. FUCKING CLOOOOOONE SHIT. CLONE LORE. WORM CLONE LORE. THE WHOLE LIKE. either implanting false memories from other people or needing to raise them from scratch????? thats fucking insane. oh my god. what the fuck kind of memories do u think they got. obviously a lot from dr lambert but like. man. do u think the endbringer thing is like baked into their fucking memories. its in their dna. i didnt quite understand the bit about bonesaw trying to give them their powers but if altering memories can alter what sorts of powers they get...... do the endbringers have dna. do u think tide and magma got endbringer dna in them. that would be sick (both in the sick meaning cool way and in the im gonna make myself sick way). actually that brings up the point. are the endbringers even organic??????????? or are they constructs?????????? since they were confirmed created by someone/something....... man. MANY THOUHGST HEAD FULL. HAVING A LOT OF EMOTIONS ABOUT NHW TIDE. bonesaw boiled the failed clones alive. i dont . i dont think tide and magma were ever *kids* (which is like. ow.) but like. god im just imagining the part in trigun where vash and knives find whats left of tesla. holy shit dude. do you see my vision here

[meta-squash]

More thoughts upon rewatching Torchwood:

I so badly wish that there was more exploration in canon about what Torchwood means to the individual team members.

I'm just really obsessed with Owen's breakdown when he's fired in End Of Days. We only get a little bit of it. We just get the short, chopped-shots hyperventilating panic attack he gets as he waits for the elevator. The next time we see him he's drinking and has the hallucination of Diane.

But it seems like out of everyone on the team, he's the worst off if he was made to leave (retconned or not).

He's the only member of the team that has nothing at all outside Torchwood. Everyone else at least has family members that they're on good terms with, if not friends. But it seems like Owen has spent his time at Torchwood trapped in this cycle of lonely slow motion self-destruction, living a bachelor life and not doing much else outside of work other than sleeping, drinking, and fucking.

Which is fine as a lifestyle if you've got some other solid thing to hold on to, but Owen doesn't. The only thing he has is Torchwood. But Torchwood isn't something that's comforting or safe or calm. It's traumatic as fuck on every level.

And yet it's also the thing that keeps Owen alive and functioning. Jack gave Owen a purpose when he brought him to Torchwood, and he's definitely a sort of positive father-figure to Owen. Obviously, Owen has issues with authority, acts very teenager-y in that he'll push back if he thinks he can do it without "real" punishment, he'll be a little shit and talk about or question or whatever. But he seems to want Jack's support and approval. It's probably the only positive encouragement or interaction he gets that's "real".

So Owen getting fired from Torchwood means he knows he's going to lose the one thing that has kept him going, and the one thing that is positive in his life, even if it is also terrible.

And if he had been retconned then, he would have been going right back to when he lost Katie, only this time he wouldn't have any of his or Katie's friends around to help him grieve, he wouldn't have his contacts from his time working at the hospital, and he's obviously estranged from his mother, so he'd be completely alone. Alone and back to the emotional state he was in when he lost Katie.

So the breakdown makes sense. Not only does being fired and retconned mean losing meaning in his life and a purpose and support, it also means being very aware of how he is going to be feeling when he gets retconned, knowing just what state of mind he'll be returning to.

Tosh and Ianto have some outside friends or family members, but they also essentially only have Torchwood. Jack saved Toshiko like he saved Owen, and I think they both feel bound to the job and to Jack in that way. Jack rescued Tosh from a much more certain and terrible fate, the loneliness and torture of a UNIT prison. Owen was lost and floundering and probably would have eventually self-destructed somehow if Jack hadn't brought him to Torchwood. But that potential future was mostly uncertain when he met Jack. Tosh's fate was known: she would have been stuck in that prison until death. So she was also saved by Jack, saved by Torchwood, and not only that but given the space and tools and time to flourish and grow and flex her skills with tech and probably learn new stuff as well. Jack rescued her from a fate probably worse than death and placed her in an environment that -- while lonely and dangerous -- probably is the most fulfilling for her. And I think he rescued Ianto too, in a way. After Lisa, he let Ianto stay, and that already is a level of trust and belief in Ianto's abilities that is beyond anything Ianto ever saw when he was working at Torchwood One. But I think also after having a traumatic and terrible experience from the fall of Canary Wharf and also perhaps a more distant, cold interaction with coworkers at Torchwood One, being able to experience a safer (at least for the most part for Ianto) version of the job and closer, more supportive team is probably good for Ianto too.

It's just so funny that the show focused on Gwen as the "main"ish character when everyone else is so much more compelling because they don't live normal lives, they don't have partners they can come home to, they have backstories that are traumatic or strange or compelling, they have personalities that are weird because they've basically rebuilt themselves in the safety of the hub and the isolation of Torchwood, like animals that evolve to live in caves, but ultimately they care a lot about what they do, more so even than Gwen, because to them it's not just a job, it's a whole new life and a new chance.

[caputvulpinum]

God, fuck, hang on. The realizations I just had were fucking terrifying and relevant enough to the people who follow this blog that I am actually going to say it.

My schizophrenia had been going completely unmedicated for at least six years. That is as old, or older, than this blog is. My entire time as a tumblr blog which I started by being in the spotlight by virtue of my interactions and friendships with Normal Horoscopes (I gained my first 500 followers in a day), I had thought I was being treated and fine and I was absolutely not.

This makes so many more things make so much more sense, and so much scarier. I start getting more queer. I get radicalized to the left. I have so many thousands of followers by now. I stand for violent revolution then I settle into a less violent one, sorta. I start talking about anger as a tool. As a fire, cleansing. Thousands more people reblog it. I go viral again and again. Anger as a sword, righteous and holy. A friend I play Dungeons and Dragons with sends me a link to a YouTube video where a complete stranger with 700,000 subscribers reads a funny joke I made up and comments on it. That week I gain 800 more on its own. I don't know if it's related.

I post more poems about the end of the world. Essays of millions of people drowning because the government wants them dead for profit. I start talking about my relationship with the occult and spirits, and yeah, I talk about the dangers of delusional psychosis and the occult and its history. But I'm fine. I know to look out for those in myself.

And besides. I'm medicated.

I talk more about anger. Now I'm angry at the government for wanting me dead because I won't make it money. I can't work a normal job so I should just hurry up and die, right? Stop wasting their resources? But I won't. I'm angry and hate-filled at it, so I won't. I'll keep living.

But living costs food. I need to survive somehow. How do I do that? Well, I've got thousands and thousands and thousands and thousands and thousands and thousands and thousands of people right here on this website who have all signed up to look at what I say. They think I have some sort of value, right? I start asking for donations here and there to eke by what EBT doesn't cover. I start Twitch streaming. I do the occasional odd job, the occasional sex work, none of that relevant. Let's get back to you, audience. That's what you're here for, right?

The thousands and thousands and thousands and thousands et al of you who want to see what I post next. A lot of you seemed to enjoy when I would be angry, so I made some tactical decisions. I started getting angrier. After all: no such thing as bad publicity, right? If I need people to know my name to know they need to pay me to eat, I need to be really loud, then. And it worked. I made quite a few people very angry.

Mostly, probably, the "right" people angry. But that's what we always tell ourselves anyway.

But I began to resent it soon enough. How couldn't I? I was just replacing one fucked up system with another fucked up one. Now instead of my worth being based in profit, my worth was based in what I gave my audience. If I didn't give you what you wanted, you would not give me the money I needed to buy food to feed myself that week. How could I not resent all of you so much more by the day?

And do you see where this is going yet? I bet some of you have been. An unmedicated schizophrenic, being encouraged to get angrier and angrier, more and more distrusting of outside forces, of groups which wish him harm?

A cornered animal hiding in his room from the world, furious and terrified, but he has to make it love him because otherwise he'll die. An unmedicated schizophrenic that nobody knows is an unmedicated schizophrenic has to live five years of his life knowing every second of his survival is predicated on knowing thousands and thousands of strangers and faceless mobs ARE actually watching his every move, and knowing for a fact that some of them HAVE LITERALLY shown intent to harm him, but he never knows which ones and he keeps doing it because he has no other choice.

This has gone on for five, six, seven years now.

Its a miracle all I did with my anger was art and blogging. It's a fucking miracle I only got radicalized to be a communist furry. It's a goddamned fucking miracle my comprehension of my identity as not a human only landed on being a furry. Oh my God, it should have been so much worse.