#they live rent free in my brain i need to send them both of therapy tho

[160502]

if stevetony not canon then why red and blue blonde and brunette life and death moon and sun short and tall dog and cat

[lordgrimwing]

Fics Living Rent-free in my Mind Game

I was tagged by @runawaymun to talk about the stories/AUs I have loafing around inside my brain but haven't actually written any stories for yet (whether of not said stories made it to the light of day for others to see). You might notice a pattern with the kinds of things I think about but never write 😳. Also most of them are co-parented with Nightie.

Anyone can send me an ask about anything on this list and I will be happy to talk at great length about the insanity of what's in my head.

The Breeding AU - look, Elrond is a blurbo and the only way I got through my theriogenology class was by inflicting what I studied on blurbos... and sometimes I need an au where the elves are desperately trying to rebuild their population at the end of the 1st age.

Tiny Erestor AU - an au of the rarely talked about Tiny Elrond au (which I've written several stories for but haven't got around to posting yet), in which both Elrond and Erestor are two inches tall. Everyone else is normal sized.

Balrog Porno AU - Glorfindel, Turgon, and Ecthelion get hired to act in a high budget porn movie with balrogs. Ecthelion's the only professional actor of the three.

Gil-galad's stressed about being the king. what it says on the tin plus Elrond distracting him with being sexy and then they work together to create a government that doesn't needs a king so Gil can retire.

Art Therapy in Mandos, Feanor-style - Feanor, a box of crayons, a meditative coloring book, and nothing but time.

Stealthros AU - The Feanorians are dragons, the silmarils are eggs, and Elrond just hissed and bit Gil-galad's hand.

[edit, how did I forget!] Marsupial elves AU - everything's the same except the elves are marsupial and they all have pouches for their cute little kids to hang out in, oh and Celebrian, Elrond, and Gil-galad are together. Being part human and maia, Elrond doesn't have a pouch, a fact his children greatly resent.

Ask away!

here's some low pressure tags, and if you don't have fic ideas, how about just aus or art ideas? Tagging @nighttimepatrons, @curufiin, @aroace-moron

[buckybarnesdiaries]

; i'm coming home

© gif credits to the author, i found it on google. if you own it, send me a message with your @.

bucky barnes x reader ⎢ masterlist.

bucky and you met six years ago in romania, but he disappeared. now, he's back.

word count: 1.8k.

warnings/tags: none.

author notes: none of my stories contain reader’s body descriptions to be inclusive.

Join the tag list here.

requests are open.

Six years had passed since the last time he was with you, before disappearing overnight. He didn't give you any explanation, he didn't even leave a note. He needed to protect you, but he also knew how stubborn you were and that you wouldn't let him take that decision for both. So Bucky simply left, breaking your heart in one thousand pieces. You wanted to understand his reasons, but you couldn't. He promised you eternal love, a life together, moving out of New York —maybe to a remote place where anyone could recognize him and have peaceful days, without having to be worried about someone coming after him. About someone trying to hurt you.

Since the very first moment you met in Romania, Bucky fell in love with you. Sometimes you still remembered how he started talking to you in Romanian, guessing you were from there until you laughed and replied in English. The next few weeks were like a daydream. Walks, romantic dates, nights of stargazing. Then, you came back to New York and kept in touch by letters, as in the forties or fifties. Until one day. Your friends invited you to a museum and what you discovered there was unbelievable. James, your James, was Captain America's best friend. And he was supposed to be dead.

You wrote to him. You told him you knew it. You told him you didn't care, that you could figure out how to escape from that situation. Together. But he never sent you a letter back. You weren't able to forget him after all that time, still sleeping every night with his red shirt, stupidly fantasizing about the idea of Bucky coming back to you. And your hopes increased when you watched him on TV. The Avengers found him and, even if you tried to contact them somehow to defend your James, you never got it. Nobody believed you, not even when you showed them the letters, not the only picture you conservated of both of you in Bucharest. You prayed to God to help him. You begged God to the world seeing him as you did.

But when Bucky was released on parole, he never tried to look for you. He did know you lived in New York and, with his resources, he'd have known in less than five minutes. One year had passed, and you ended up losing the most minimal hope wrapping your heart. All those things he told you once, were just lies. Lies to inventing a parallel life until you left Romania. Only replying to your letters to have something to lean on for his own good. That's what he demonstrated to you.

bucky's pov

Like every night since he earned part of his freedom, Bucky stared at the windows of your apartment, from the opposite sidewalk hidden behind a tree. Like a ghost. Like he was trained to see but not be seeing. Every night, he wanted to cross the road, call to your door, kiss you, hug you, feel your touch and your love —hold you, and never let you go again. But he knew it was risky, he knew he had to wait for the right time. And it came. Tonight it came. His year of therapy had ended and he was free. Bucky was free to come back home.

He had been watching you since it started, making sure you were safe and sound. He also was aware that you never rebuilt your life with another man, that you tried to find him. That you slept every night with his shirt. Bucky was also aware of all the times you cried for him, that you always walked the same way from your job to your apartment expecting to meet him in some street close to it. He knew you better than you knew yourself.

Taking a deep, deep breath, keeping his hands inside the pockets of his coat, the soldier put a step on the road. The first step to happiness. And then, no one could stop him. He continued to the front door of the building, not needing more than a push to open it. Third floor, fifth door at the right of the corridor. Bucky licked his bottom lip nervously, swallowing as he took a master key from one of his pockets and a small metallic stick to force the lock of your house. He needed to be fast and stealthy, ringing the bell wasn't an option for very obvious reasons. Breaking into the apartment, he closed the door quietly behind his back.

The lights were all turned off a couple of hours ago when you went to sleep, after sitting on the window of your living room waiting for someone who wasn't going to show up, as every night for the last six years. The whole place smelled sweet like you used to. Bucky never forgot your scent, using it as the encouragement he needed to continue fighting for his freedom, for a life together. Now, his heart was racing so quickly that the whole city could hear his beats.

Slowly, he toured the entrance, the living room, the hallway straight to your dorm. The door was half-closed. Not a single noise coming from the inside. Bucky walked towards it, pushing it in slow motion, trying to not wake you up. And if he knew before that could be that easy to watch you sleep —for creepy that it sounded— he would have watched you every night since he landed in New York.

Bucky wasn't sure about what to do. If he should wake you up, if he should let you sleep and come the next day after you finished your work. When he wanted to realize, he was running the nail of his index finger on your soft cheek. Your skin was still warm, which meant you fell asleep crying again. And that broke his heart, his soul. Being conscious of all the pain and the suffering he made you being through all that time was killing him from inside. And he wished he could have handled your relationship in another way. But there wasn't another way without you being collateral damage of his past.

Bucky was about to leave when he suddenly felt a hit to his collarbone, stumbling to the bed. He didn't have time to react when your right leg was beneath his cold arm and pinning down his neck, as your left leg was laced around it. Your hand gripping his wrist, immobilizing him, pointing at him with a loaded gun between your free fingers. Your breathing became erratic, your pulse was beating faster than ever, but you were ready to shoot if the occasion required it.

In the middle of the gloom you glimpsed at those deep oceanic blue eyes you had been craving to look at for years. The same eyes on the picture on your nightstand. It has to be another dream. Another nightmare where Bucky came to tell you that everything was going to be okay. But his touch felt so real that it hurt like a million flames burning down your body to ashes. You were paralyzed. Your brain collapsed. In a very slow motion, James —your James— raised his right hand from the mattress to above his chest, bringing it to the gun aimed at his head. You couldn't stop him. You tried with all your strength. But the commands sent by your neurons never reached the finger supported against the trigger.

His flesh digits made their way to your trembling hand, as the tears started to sprout out from your eyes. Bucky took the weapon, not needing to ask you to release it, to put it away from the two of you.

“It's okay, draga mea, it's me…” He whispered with such an angelical and melodic voice, over your dolorous sobs. “May I, uh… get my arm back?”

Bit by bit, you obeyed as if it was some kind of polite order, loosening the grip around his arm and over his neck. Stepping back till your body collided with the headboard, you curled up your knees to your furious chest rising and falling, hiding your face between the gap of both. Your cry became louder, agonic, painful, ripping your throat.

“No— Not again… Not again, please… I c— can't”. You implored sorely.

Bucky didn't need to be a genius to understand you firmly believed it was just part of another of your dreams. Another of your nightmares. He sat upon your bed, coming closer to you and landing his cold metallic hand on the back of your head, urging you to raise it. You did. You did raise your burning face because of the tears falling, running down your cheeks. Your blurry gaze focused on his pale blue eyes, begging you silently to forgive him.

“I'm here… I'm back”. Bucky murmured, gently touring your skin until reaching a side of your neck, caressing your throat by using his thumb. “This is not a dream, draga mea. This is real”.

His intentions weren't to scare you, speaking to you with such a honeyed tone of voice as he shortened the distance between his body and your legs yet curled. You pouted unconsciously, watching him leaning above your legs to press his lips on the bridge of your nose. Slowly, fondly. Wanting to transmit to you that the flame of his love for you never went out. Resting his forehead against yours, your right hand flew straight to the back of his neck. You had never needed more than you needed him at that precise instant, trying to believe that that wasn't a trick of your subconscious.

“'M so, so sorry… I had to protect you… I had to protect you”. Bucky explained while closing his eyes, lacing his free fingers with yours. “But, uh… I know you still drink black coffee with mocha and a stick of cinnamon every Thursday. I know you… rent a book from the library and sit on the stairs in your free evenings… I know you sleep with this same shirt every night”.

Discovering he had been watching you all this time provoked your lips to shiver, as your cry became lower and your breathing was calmer. He guarded your days, in the shadows, till the right moment. And it came. Tonight was the right moment.

“I'm free. I'm not an enemy anymore… I'm not a target”. Bucky couldn't help but chuckle to hold back his own tears. “I'm so sorry”.

“Will you…? Will you stay now? With me?” At first, you doubted asking, being afraid of his response for a second.

“No one will ever set us apart again. No one”. He promised you, his heart speaking, telling the absolute truth. “Everything I told you in Bucharest; everything was true. And I… I want it”.

Bucky leaned forward enough inches to make disappear the less distance between both of you, pressing his lips in yours, tenderly caressing your jawline with his thumb as his tears met yours in the corner of your lips. Neither of you could believe that you were reunited after all these years, after all the pain, the loneliness. And like James, your James, said so: no one would ever set you apart again.

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tag list. @whatrambles @phoenixhalliwell @homesicam @marvel-diaries @amelia-song-pond @heartbeats-wildly @met4no1a @weenersoldierr @petlaufeyson @sillygamingartghost @wildflowergubler @isnt-it-loverly @zealouspursecowboydeputy @rvgrsbrns @artisancowbells @plagooey @tinylumpiaa @hemsbucky @bxmaaa @quxxnxfhxll @capxwinter @knowyourworth-sellyoursoul @hateinthemorning @asemistablehundredyearoldman @purpleelfwizard @twinerd14 @nikkixostan @stolenxkissess @wintersfilm @whoreforsamwilson @thatcrackheadsadbitchtm @baconmuffins1216 @28cnn @hxlyhoax @lieswithoutfairytales @angrybirdxx @clownerlyluv @kait-is-always-late @marvel-ousnesss @natashadeservedbetter @ebxny27 @fanofalltheficsx @spider-man-lover @masterlists101 @lewd-alien @warm-sensations @stealapizzamyheart @talk-on-the-street @theresnoplatypus

[wistfulrat]

a 4-part rec list of my fave drarry fics - the thrillers, dramas, soft bois, and wankbanks getting me through 2020′s shitstorm

[the soft boi list is here and truly i’m not surprised this rec is going to be the longest bc if there’s one thing a bitch is going to do, it’s yearn.

as always! if you love a fic, follow the authors, leave kudos & comments, send them nice msgs bc free art is still labor xoxo]

part 3: soft bois

mood: for when I need respite, a balm to the all-consuming shittiness of life

includes: fluff, comfort, low-stakes, slow-burn fics. a wistful look, a rainy morning, an unexpected grace, a stupidly disarming joke. i could live inside these fics. the smallness of human lives removed from the site of that which hurts & irreparably changes. the story-equivalent of a deep breath after a long day. pregnant silences & pensive mundanity & shy smiles. banter with bite but without the cruelty. the color lavender. weirdly whimsical. soft fics are not necessarily conflict-averse (no drarry fic rly can be, considering the context) but, they offer the reader a generous distance from the initial harm. they’re the quiet cleaning up after a storm. sometimes healing is an exacting surgical knife and other times it’s a slow scabbing. you read these fics to be reassured that the way forward is not always ruthless. and honestly?? they deserve a semblance of peace godDAMmit.

The Way Down by @letteredlettered - 65k - T “and I thought that if someone talked to you as though you were a human being you might—maybe you could act like one” --the way i think about this line daily. the characterization of draco in this fic is one my favorites bc he’s earnest and neurotic and tired of harry’s shit. which is to say, he cares so so much. and harry doesn’t know what to do with that bc he’s got a monster in his chest and lives as a recluse. but they both humanize each other in ways no one else can. “you’re just a person” has to be some kind of drarry ethics of belonging and it makes me CRY. -

Little Deaths and How to Avoid Them by @greaseonmymouth and dustmouth - 96k - T “Maybe it’s not about deserving it? Maybe you just get to have it anyway. . .I’m allowing myself to want something and to let myself have it and to fight for it.” --harry runs a daycare and also works at a library. draco spends a lot of time in said library. they bond over sci-fi books and therapy anecdotes and quiet philosophical conversations held over cafeteria soup. and harry’s struggling to understand his asexuality. draco’s learning how to live with anxiety and depression. they both want to be deserving of love. incredible fic with beautiful art by dustmouth. - 

Open for Repairs by @drarrytrash - 35k - T “A few leaves rustle in the gutter and the muggle world pays no mind to them, to two lost boys holding on for dear life.” --all of their fics feel exactly like this. like you’ve been allowed to look at something private, tender, unexpected. draco, known abba fan, is a repairman in the muggle world & harry can’t stop breaking thrifted things in order to see him? say less, i'm thERE. also “I think I have a crush on you” goddddd  - other faves by them: Counting Down By Ten - 2k - T: draco’s stepped outside of the party for a smoke. harry follows him bc of course he does. i could read this 100 times and not get tired of it. - Clouds That Veil the Midnight Moon - 36k - E: FUCKING HILARIOUS I CACKLED THROUGH THE WHOLE THING. draco’s wolfy problem and harry helping him and harry being flustered by how much he likes draco and draco’s hot heroic moment. shutup it’s perfect. “He almost asks if Draco ever gets tired of being a miserable complaining shit all the time, but he knows that he, personally, never ever gets tired of being a miserable complaining shit.” and “It’s the traumas,” Harry says gravely” --lines that live rent free in my head -

Harry Potter and the Future He Doesn't Really Want, Thanks by seefin - 70k - E “That was the only logical thing to do here, wasn’t it? It was the next step, it was the end of hurting each other and the beginning of the exact opposite.” --harry lives with luna and neville and also he dreams about the future sometimes? and he keeps running into draco. draco thinks this is sus as hell, until he doesn’t. feat. taxi rides, museums, cinemas, rooftop conversations beneath a lunar eclipse, mid-sex innocuous banter, draco and harry discussing nicki minaj. this fic charmed my ass off. seefin writes the most effortlessly hilarious dialogues. i smiled at my phone like an idiot at least 7 times. -  other faves by them: Wild - 93k - E: “he liked feeling needed, for the things that he was needed for back at the house in Ireland. For cooking and gardening and driving. Easy things.” --this shit makes me cry it’s so good. harry lives in Ireland with these three brilliant, hilarious, wandless witches and draco’s a potions student who's come to study under one of the housemates and the boys have so much shit to work through but their love becomes so tender and honest. draco yells at harry a lot and harry lets him and they both keep each other grounded in something real and fuCK.  - Divination for Dickheads - 7k - G: “I’m terrible at having crushes. I’ve never played anything cool a day in my life.” -- oh harry, we knOW. a bus ride, a fortune teller, an aquarium birthday party. god i love this fic. -

Modern Love by @tackytigerfic​ - 61k - E “But we’ve worked so hard at this, haven’t we? Yeah, I know it’s a horror to have to talk about it, but fuck it. We’re friends now, but it took so long to get here. Have you ever had to work so hard at something before?" --the steady blossoming of their friendship in this fic is so goddamn beautiful i want to yell. it’s draco and harry learning to trust each other and the whole thing unfolds so slowly, in this whimsical mix of london streets, wizarding politics, church halls feat. a Hot vicar, and a magical antique shop owner who’s married to literal poseidon?? goD the environment of this fic. immaculate. [also there’s a tender shower scene that makes me cry every single fucking time so if you read this fic pls dm me so we can be embarrassing about it together tbh] -

Nice Things by aideomai - 22k - M “He kept waiting for the weird shock of touch to not knock him clean out of his head, leave him quiet and warm and happy.” --8th year. harry forms an unlikely friendship with draco that begins with smoking weed on a windowsill. harry is touch-starved and draco touches him like he touches all his close friends - like it’s easy. the quiet affection in this fic, the way harry burrows himself into touch bc he’s been without it for his entire life. reading this is like being held. -

Running On Air by @tinyhistory​ - 74k - T “do you remember when we were eleven?” --alexa play coldplay’s the scientist it’s sad girl hours and we’re about to fucking yearn. you’ve seen this fic rec on every drarry list under the sun and i'm here to be redundant. the hype is so goddamn real. this story is a lyrical masterpiece held together by lines that act as refrains that will rattle around your brain until you die, probably. draco’s been missing for 3yrs. harry goes to find him. it’s their odyssey of homecoming. -

Title of Their Sex Tape by @cibeewastaken - 12k - T “But Draco, Draco was everything but boring. Draco made sitting in the rain watching an empty house fun.” --auror partners pining and draco being eccentric and harry being very earnestly gay about draco’s eccentricities!! god this fic is so genuinely fun skskd feat. undercover missions, murderous faeries, a book heist, a stunning navy dress, harry’s eyelashes. -

How We Throw Our Shadows Down by @thistle-verse - 14k - T “Draco is about to say something else— to thank Potter for what he’d done, however poorly— but Harry is smiling at him again, and it’s so soft and perfect that Draco holds in any inadequate words, lest he spoil it.” --draco collects tea cozies and of course harry has the one he wants. the sad and tender gays are at it again feat. conversations in the rain at a train station, melancholy Blaise, muggle photos, wizarding e-bay, the Dursleys.  -

Helix by Saras_Girl - 92k - E “Draco sighs in his sleep and Harry clings on to consciousness, needing to hold on, to give this tiny, insignificant moment the attention it deserves” --I think maybe you can describe every soft Saras_Girl story as giving tiny, insignificant moments the attention they deserve. like, this is an 8th year fic about snails and it’s full of whimsy, grief, compassion, and easy humor. an absolute must-read author in this genre if you want languorous, episodic fics full of distinct OCs and affectionate creatures. - other faves by them: Light up the Night Sky - 98k - M “Draco, sometimes you make my head feel like soup” --the one where harry is a fireworks artist and has a pet chameleon named ken. draco is on the wizarding arts council. they both pine like hell. - Headlights in the Snow - 71k - M “they stare at each other in silence, Harry’s heart beating so loud in his chest that he thinks the biddies must be able to hear it over the sound of their card game.” --the one where draco drives the knight bus and carts around the biddy club, a group of rambunctious old ladies who knit and drink tea and gossip. harry can’t help but fall in love with the everything about this. -

Follow the Water by @xanthippe74 - 38k - T “Harry’s heavy thoughts lift at the sight, like dark clouds blown away from the sun by the wind. The tent doesn’t feel so cramped and stifling now. It feels cozy. And safe. It’s the same feeling that Harry gets when he’s at the Burrow for Sunday roasts, when a group of people who care for each other deeply are crammed into too-small a space.” --harry wanders to the lovegood house on a sunday afternoon. he’s baffled to see that luna’s taken pansy, greg, and draco under her wing. what follows is a summer of forest walks, scavenger hunts, gardening, water fights, odd cakes, faerie rings, and picnics. so many picnics. i love the pace of this fic, the innocent return to childhood things, the way luna brings out the best in all her friends. reluctantly soft slytherins are just *chefs kiss*!! -

Going Postal (A 125pg comic) by dustmouth - T what. a. beautiful. ass. comic. the wizarding fashion, the textures, the character design!! harry travels a lot for his job as a resourcer. draco works in the regulations dept. they pine like a bunch of lovesick idiots via field report notes. god i love dustmouth’s art. -

All the Earnest Young Men by @tepre​ - 29k - E “Draco is twenty-seven layers of personality wrapped up in drama and humour, and a wit so sharp it still stings when he doesn’t see it coming. But there is something below that, too. Something that makes Harry ache just looking at him.” --the way i would lay down my little life for tepre’s characterization of draco, whom invented the word earnest. he’s a magical art theory expert and portraits are disappearing all over London and harry’s the auror assigned to this case. and well. they’re both so very avoidant about how gay they are for each other and it’s like!! shutup and kiss!! which they do in fact, shutup and kiss.  -

Trenches by sara_holmes - 3k - M “Somewhere in the distant part of his mind that hasn't frozen solid, he thinks that maybe he and Draco are about to become more than auror partners, smoking buddies, wine-mates and co-inhabitants of a snow filled trench somewhere in western Scotland.” --the plot line here is literally “it’s cold and i need a fucking cigarette” but let me tell you how I never tire of the shared loaded-silences of two emotionally repressed gays. -

The Years Before Love by lomonaaeren - 13k - M “That’s one of the meanings of peace, he thinks, as Hermione hugs him...That he can do things slowly, softly, without worrying that they won’t be there tomorrow.” --andromeda taking harry under her wing and harry finding solace in teddy. narcissa and draco showing up and the tentative relationships that slowly develop in the quiet calm of andromeda’s house. found families and kisses in the snow and special xmas gifts ugh what’s not to love -

The Moon Looks Lovely Tonight by Omi_Ohmy - 35k - M “I want this to be a house where people are welcome, where they don’t have to be any one way or another” --in which harry collects lost things--owls, best friends, inept bakers, potions experimenters--and turns the mausoleum that is grimmauld place into a home. feat. your fave drarry tropes like shared-beds and reluctant waltzing partners. -

[part 1: thrillers | part 2: dramas | part 3: soft bois | part 4: wankbanks]

[trialnerror]

Karate Kid/Cobra Kai survey

Tagged by @pohjanneito​​ and @cobraking​​ thank youuuuuuuu

It's the year 2021 and you're obsessed with The Karate Kid. How are you feeling?:  tbh it’s gotten to the point that everything that I do is based on this franchise. I can’t do anything except quote it, talk about it and obsess over it. But to be fair, I’ve always loved this franchise and the fact that in 2021 I still obsess over it, doesn't surprise me much.

Did you grow up with TKK or are you new to the series?:  I kinda grew up with TKK even though its about 15 years my prior, but its one of my all time favourite movies so I rewatch it at least once or twice every month. In regard to the series, I’m just glad they made a comeback because I missed my boys.

We gotta do the basics. Favourite character:  At first it was Daniel because I felt for the little new kid who was getting bullied, but as I got older it went straight to Johnny. That cocky blonde boy with his ocean blue eyes made me crazy and especially now that I watch him in Cobra Kai, all he needs is some love and a hug...plus I would legitimately kill to have a drink with him because he knows where the party is at and I just love him with all my little heart.

Favourite ship: I don’t really have one, but the whole “Lawrusso” one is interesting from different perspectives.

Underrated character: the man, the myth, the silent legend - Jimmy..... but in all seriousness I love the dynamic that Johnny and Bobby have so in that case Bobby.

Underrated ship (don’t say therapy, lol): the friendship of Carmen and Amanda. I want their friendship to THRIVE!!! Those queens gotta deal with hormonal teenagers and unstable partners, so they might as well just become best friends and drink wine together. 

Wax On, Wax Off or Sweep the Leg?: .....Sweep the Leg (Get him a body bag Johnny!!)

Which of Daniel’s dumb little outfits is your favourite?:  It’s a tie between the black tank/burgundy shirt and jeans or the grey crewneck and red sweats because he looked hot in the first and comfy cozy in the other and I can’t pick between the two. 

Character from the films you most want to return, who’s not Terry Silver: Honestly it sounds bad but I'm so ready for Terry to come back....I want to see the chaos unfold especially considering the fact that Johnny has no idea who he is, so I’m ready to see how the two of them interact. I’m also ready for Mike because you know he and Johnny have similar personalities of the whole “I’m a macho man who's the hottest thing since sliced bread” and I kind of want to see them duke it out a little with Daniel in the back just being like “w-why must I attract these types of people...?” 

Scene that lives in your head rent-free: Got 4 of them that just run through my head like a hamster on a wheel....

1) the smirk. Johnny knew exactly what he was doing when he noticed Daniel and that little smirk just sent me

2) when Daniel is describing Ali to his mom (and to himself) and he goes on his little schpeal of “Her smile. She's got an excellent smile. She's really smart. I don’t know- I think she’s beaut- I’d say she's beautiful. I think she's beautiful. I think she’s something else.” straight to “She’s hot. Definitely hot.” like way to get all cute and sappy to “yeah she's a fox” and that little chuckle at the end

3) when Daniel goes up to the Cobras, post-Miyagi takedown and says “You guys be careful not to go stepping in front of any more busses now, alright?”

4) Johnny Lawrence’s most iconic part in all of Cobra Kai (so far) is “ and put one of those hashbrowns at the end like Hashbrown Team Cobra Kai or something and then SEND IT TO THE INTERNET”

Will Anthony LaRusso ever be relevant?:  will he....? honestly forget he was actually a character in the show, but I do hope he joins in the karate antics that go on, and if he doesn't I’ll happily take more Anthony/Johnny interacting scenes.

You live in The Valley and are forced into the karate gang war. Which dojo do you join?:  Cobra Kai 110%. The Way of the Fist. Strike First. Strike Hard. No Mercy.

What’s your training montage song?: I vibe with a lot of songs but probably Thnks Fr Th Mmrs by Fall Out Boy because it’s so hype.

It’s the crossover event of the century! Which TV show are you combining with Cobra Kai for an hour-long Saturday night special?: I don’t really have one but I could so see Johnny and Daniel as an unlikely pair of cops on Hawaii Five-O with Daniel being the brains (and the rational one of the two) while Johnny is the brawns (going in guns blazing - and by guns I mean both muscles and actual weapons) but yeah they'd be great as cops, especially in Hawaii...

Gonna tag @macchios​​ @sonnycorleone​​ @crimsonandclover27​​ @banzai-larusso​​ @likethegardensofbabylonn​​ @kingkarate​​ @strikelikeacobrakai​​ @hesjusttoocute​​

[writeraquamarinara]

as with everything else in life, I’m late to making this post. I tend to make one around Jan 1st every year, but it’s now a few days after that, and all i can say for myself is that time is non-consequential during a pandemic, right? right.

anywho, this is my usual “thank you for keeping me going this year” post, but with even more fervor. 2020 would not have been nearly as tolerable without you all in it. and when i say all i really do mean all. thank you to anyone who follows me here or has read and supported my work on AO3 or has sent me a message or an ask or even just likes my posts. you can never know how many people’s hearts you’ve touched, lives you’ve made better, but i’m telling you now: you made me smile and laugh and feel love in a year that could have easily stolen all that. thank you for sticking around.

a few more specific shoutouts are under the cut to keep from flooding your dashes. i hope you’re all having a wonderful start to the new year.

much love, mari

to @anniemurphys: ria, i cannot thank you enough, for so many things. you played such a vital role in turning this year around for me. your friendship, and the friendships you’ve helped me make through book club, kept me smiling from week to week. i never wanted to leave our meetings, no matter how long they’d already gone. I could listen to your literary analyses and life advice for days on end. you’re such a kind, patient, loving person, and I’m so lucky to have you in my life. here’s to another year of freaking out over taylor swift albums and the power inherent in voluntarily turning oneself into vegetation.

to @bigdsgirl: heidi, you’re one of the sweetest, most hard-working people i know. you amaze me, and you graciously humor my latest hyper fixations—somehow always knowing, always reblogging content related to what i’m obsessing over at the moment. you give such great advice and have such a calming presence that i love being in chats and on calls with you. i cannot wait for more zoom movie nights in 2021.

to @hellodinoflower: raptor, you’ve supported me for so many years now, and whenever i feel down about my writing i’ll go back through the comments on some of my old fics and yours always make me tear up. you’re so thoughtful and kind and excited about my work that i cannot help but be the same. i hope you enjoyed the little dino reference in pride & publishing—i tried my best, i really did—and i hope you’re doing well. sending you so much love.

to @soyforramen: soy, i promise i’ll get to your head canon asks some day. i promise i haven’t forgotten them; i’m just uncreative and uninspired, but what else is new. you, however, are brilliant and kind and thoughtful, and your guidance in making both life and fic-writing decisions has been so important to me this year. wishing you so much luck with school this year, and even more happiness.

to @ithoughtyoulikedmereckless: rach, where to even begin? you’re the person i talk to when i’m feeling happy or sad or annoyed or angry or pretty much anything, really. our FaceTime convos are my favourite, no matter what time of day we have them at (somehow, the ones at 10pm are just as crazy as the ones at 3am, and i don’t really understand how or why, but i love that for us). i’ve learned so much about myself through my conversations with you, and you keep me level headed when i start doubting myself too much. you understand me on such an amazing level and i’m so lucky that you reached out to me so many years ago. i’m so lucky that we just happened to find each other on here and just so happened to move near each other this year. i still cannot believe i get to see you in person and go on walks in the woods with you. you’re such a talented photographer, writer, painter, baker, and all around artist; an incredibly kind and funny person; and i aspire to be you. i’m rambling now, but just know that i love you.

to @catthecoder: lav, my light, my love. seeing your icon and username on my dash makes me smile so hard. you just give off the best vibes and chatting with you always leaves me feeling like i’ve been basking in the sunlight for the past few hours. we need to make a resolution to sprint with each other more often this year, even if 2021 is going to be as hectic as ever, as i find so much joy in reading your snippets as we go along. you’re such a wonderful writer, and i often read your gift to me from years ago for inspiration and comfort. i hope you’re doing well and am sending so much love.

to @stirringsofconsciousness: stirrings!! i know you’ve had a super busy year, but you still made time to chat with me and i’ll be forever grateful. i often think about the advice you’ve left for me and the thoughtful responses you’ve given to my personal posts and find so much inspiration in your own words and actions. i also still cannot get over the time when you sent me a post of artful vases because you thought of me when you saw them. mortifying ordeal of being known who? anyways lol, i just wanted to thank you for being in my life and wish you a happy 2021.

to @heavy-lies-the-crown: alex, i just wanted to thank you for putting your time and energy towards answering my incessant questions this year. you’ve been an inspiration to me as a writer ever since i first found your work, but you’re also an inspiration to me as a person, and i’m always thinking about the advice you’ve given me. i hope you had a wonderful end to 2020, and that 2021 brings you even more joy than seeing your posts on my dash brings me. much love.

to @stonerbughead: maria, you brought so much happiness to my 2020. your support for my work took my breath away every time, and I swear I nearly cried when I saw your latest comments on pride and publishing. you put so much time and energy into this fandom, and into supporting the people in it, and I hope you know that it doesn’t go unnoticed. we all love you, and we’re so lucky to have you; your fics are brilliant, your podcast highlights are a joy to read, and your disdain for ras is hilarious. thank you for being you. sending lots of love.

to @sullypants: sully, it’s been years and i still marvel at how lucky i am to know you. you’ve taught me so much, from how to be more thoughtful to how to navigate therapy and self-love to how to be a kinder person in the world. you introduced me to ask polly and you send me really nice asks and you’re one of like four people who interacts with my posts on a consistent basis, which makes me feel a little less alone in the world, if that makes any sense. i’m going to stop myself from rambling on or else i might cry, but i just wanted to thank you for—here comes the cliche—changing my life (doesn’t everyone we meet change our lives, in some way or another? but you’ve changed mine considerably, and for the better). sending you so much love (in the form of both yellow and blue heart emojis)

to @justcourbeau: mel, our paths cross less frequently now than they used to, but that doesn’t mean i don’t think about you and the conversations we’ve had, or smile when i come across your posts on my dash, or when i happen to open up instagram once in a blue moon and see you’ve posted on your story. please never stop sending me sparknotes memes—especially cask of amontillado ones. your words of advice from the night i called you, distraught, a few years ago live in my brain rent free, and i will continue to carry them into 2021 with me. i hope 2021 treats you well, and that you achieve all you want and more. sending you an immense amount of love.

to @protectorofthesmoll: your string of comments on pride and publishing made me cry multiple times, i swear. i still read them back every so often, when i’m trying to muster the courage to start up on the new chapter. your support means so much to me, and it amazes me how far back it goes: I’m pretty sure I have at least two asks of yours sitting in my inbox, from back in 2018 when I had barely any followers or supporters, both of them writing prompts that I never filled. i promise i’ll get to them one day. anywho, i just wanted to thank you for your support this year, and every year before that. wishing you so much love and happiness in 2021.

to @panalegs27: 2020 was the year of figuring out that we have so much in common: a hatred of dating apps, confusion over tumblr’s obsession with the raven cycle, and an attraction to logan lerman with gray hair. thank you for chatting about all of these things, and more, with me; seeing that you’ve sent me a post always makes me smile, and our conversations make me laugh. wishing you even more love and laughter in 2021.

to @indiebughead: maria, it’s been so lovely getting to know you more over the course of this year. i love listening to your stories and living vicariously through you, lol. (i want updates on new neighbor boy, asap!) thank you for listening to my petty rants and for encouraging me to make bad decisions and be salty on main when i want to be. i couldn’t have asked for a more supportive conspirer ;) sending lots of love.

to @redundantoxymorons: iz, you’re one of the smartest, most eloquent, most supportive people i know. i know 2021 will be both stressful and exciting in many ways, and i wish you all the best. i know you’re going to thrive wherever you end up, and i’ll cheer you on as you navigate this new world, just as you’ve done for me all these years. i’m so lucky to have you as a friend, supporter, and beta, and all of our conversations bring me so much joy. pls continue to gush about taylor swift and rec books and send uquizzes with results that make me feel Known in 2021. i love you very much <3

to @cracklr: leda, i’ve missed your passive aggressive smiley faces, but your gushing insta comment more than made up for that, i promise :) sending you so much love and happiness in this new year <3

to @dottie-wan-kenobi: dottie, the posts we send each other make me so upset, but in a good way—the “if i just had to see this nasty shit then so do you” kind of way—and i love that about our relationship. who else would understand how disgustingly hilarious something is other than my wife? no one, that’s who. i often think about how you were the first friend i made in fandom, and i’ll be forever grateful for that: i couldn’t have found a better person. i love you so much, and am sending you all my love.

this list of shoutouts is really much shorter than it should be, but my brain is currently friend and i cannot seem to think properly anymore. therefore, i’m going to call it a day and reiterate my above statements that I love you all, and I hope you have a fucking amazing 2021.

[ianenjoyer]

worst shameless storylines ranked? personally despise the whole who’s gonna top thing with trevor and ian. like, if it’s that important?? just fuck other people? but also fiona being a landlord and cop carl takes the cake

*rubs my evil little hands together* finally more opportunities to talk about my opinions

this is non-comprehensive bc i don’t remember every single awful thing that’s happened on this show (and i blocked out so many) but here’s the ones that stick in my brain

under the cut bc i kinda went off

1. gay jesus

i just ??? hate it so much??? listen, i think this storyline started off relatively okay, if you ignore the cringey dialogue. like ian trying to help kids like him (and mickey) and save them from conversion therapy and other terrible things? okay sounds good, sounds consistent to ian’s character i’m fine with it. but the execution??? 🤢 i hate it so much. it comes off much more like they’re mocking the cause instead of promoting it. and on top of that, apparently ian was supposed to be manic the whole time but, again, the exposition was just terrible and they didn’t really indicate that this was supposed to be ian spiraling as opposed to him just going a little too far. honestly the whole thing is a disservice to ian’s character and everything that he’d been through in the previous 7 seasons

2. fionas landlord stuff

fionas switch from a kind, hardworking person trying to provide for her family to a bloodsucking parasite (also known as a landlord) is appalling. not the fact that she tried to better herself and her situation, but the fact that she constantly put down families like her own and the fact that it was framed like a good thing. like it’s fine to seek out a better life for yourself obviously but i wish she found a way to do it without becoming a capitalist who leeches off other people

3. the weird voting storyline + anytime they try to do political commentary

😐 i’m just repeating myself at this point but shameless’ switch from a gritty family drama that shows the realities of living in poverty and dealing with problems such as alcoholism, mental illness, and inter-generational trauma to a satirical ‘comedy’ that pokes fun at anything and everything is the worst turn i’ve ever seen a show take. honestly i don’t remember much about this except that frank got some creep in office and recruited a bunch of nazis to help him, and that fiona was gonna vote for some pro-capitalism weirdo bc she didn’t want rent-control on her apartment bc she hates poor people apparently

4. carl becoming a cop

i mean we haven’t even seen this yet but skdhdijsj it’s going on here anyways. honestly carl’s whole coming-of-age storyline is just bad. i’m not gonna just repeat myself but i talked about that here. basically it boils down to the show being tone-deaf and trying to do political commentary on things they know nothing about. honestly the last thing we need right now is rich white people in hollywood acting like they understand what it’s like to live in poverty, or live as a person of color, or an lgbt person, in america right now

5. mickeys send off + ian’s other love interests

so what we’ve learned is that shameless doesn’t know how to write off characters without butchering them and then expecting us to instantly forget about them. i understand that noel left the show, so i know they had to write him off, but they didn’t have to be as brutal to his character as they were.

i’m in the minority with this opinion (i think) but the first time i watched the show i wasn’t fully against ian dating somebody else, mostly bc i knew they ended up together. i mean, it is realistic that ian wouldn’t date the same person from the time he was 15, and especially after mickey went to jail it objectively makes sense that he would try to move on. but god the execution of this was terrible. they were just so obviously trying to butcher mickeys character (with caleb) , or replace him (with trevor) instead of, you know, providing us with a believable love interest for an otherwise well-liked, interesting character. i won’t talk too much about s6 but feel free to anon me if you want to hear more of my thoughts bc i have a few

6. anything with frank

i just don’t care about him. i skip every single one of his scenes when i rewatch the show unless he’s interacting with the rest of the family. he’s boring, and i think he’s overstayed his welcome. and yes i know he’s the main character but consider this: i hate him. he exists purely to engage in stupid storylines and say awful things and i want him gone. the fact that he’s still on the show and fiona isn’t is a hate crime towards me specifically smxhdjs. no hate to the actor but :/ there’s literally no use for frank on the show anymore, and there hasn’t been since they moved away from having a central-family storyline with him acting like a thorn in his children’s sides instead of whatever he is now

7. fionas love interests

i think that, kinda similar to ian, they didn’t really know what to do with with fiona’s love life after jimmysteve left. her love interests ranged from okay (mike cup supremacy!) to just boring and awful (ford, gus, sean). it’s just such a disservice to such an amazing character to reduce her to stories with boring love interests over and over again.

8. most of v and kev’s storylines in later seasons

this one makes me sad bc i love v and kev so much but... their storylines just aren’t it anymore. they’re dumb and comic-reliefy and a disservice (i’m using that word a lot wow) to two really amazing characters. they often reduce kev to ‘big, lumbering dumb-dumb’ and v to ‘sexy, sassy black girl’ and it’s just very Not Good, especially considering how interesting and multi-dimensional their characters were in early seasons.

9. karen’s send off

this is so fucking infuriating to me, especially knowing why the actress left the show. trust me i’m not saying karen is perfect or that she didn’t do terrible (sometimes unforgivable) things, but the fact that the send off for a character who was super important to the show for a good amount of seasons amounted to “she has permanent brain damage and lives with a 40 year old man and a baby she didn’t want” is such a huge disservice, both to the character and the actress

10. sammi

i don’t even want to talk about her or how obnoxious she is but i want it to be known that i hate her and that she sucks. she brought basically nothing to the show and i feel like she existed purely just to make me mad.

11. anything debbie did past like. season 3

she’s just so annoying. like with this show i usually don’t hate characters for doing morally gray things bc that’s very much the nature of the show but debbie just consistently used people over and over again while showing no remorse about it. derek (i still can’t believe what she did to him), neil, dereks wife etc. she’s just not a good person, and on top of that she’s not even entertaining to watch so like??? go away. also the fact that’s she’s dating sandy and i’m not is so rude :/

12. that one time sheila said the r-slur like 47 times 

i just remembered this so i’m putting it on here. also this is the only one from an earlier season, which just proves that the shows been tone-deaf about a lot of things the whole time, and that it’s only gotten worse as years went on. i just want to make it clear that when i say i like this show that comes with many many caveats and that this definitely isn’t a show anybody should be watching un-critically

[mindfullofclutter]

Depression

I dumped my boyfriend when he was depressed. It was the hardest thing I have ever done. The words jammed in my throat and our tears mingled as we hugged in bed in a dingy AirBnB. He asked me if I meant it and, head thumping with a hangover, I said yes. We went for breakfast at our favorite spot and drank orange juice in silence. Then he pleaded with me to stay as we cried on a park bench. We hugged and kissed, for closure, before I climbed into my car and drove for three hours, back to my parents’ house.

Admitting that I left him when he was at his lowest point fills me with guilt. People will say I was selfish. They’ll say that if you truly love someone, you support them through sickness and dark times. I tried, but it wasn’t working. The reality was that his mental health issues infected my own headspace and I truly was not strong enough to deal with it. The situation left me suffering panic attacks and teetering on the brink of depression myself.

When news broke on Friday that rapper Mac Miller had died o​f ​an apparent drug overdose at age 26, people on social media were quick to point fingers at his ex-partner, singer Ariana Grande. “You did this to him… you should feel absolutely sickened,” one social media user wrote in a tweet directed at Grande. “Treated him like dog shit, threw him to the curb like he was nothing.” “You killed Mac Miller,” wrote another.

Grande and Miller—who admitted using drugs in a Noisey interview well before his relationship with the singer—began dating in 2016 and were together two years before splitting in May 2018. Shortly afterwards, Miller was charged with driving under the influence after crashing his car. One tweet in response to the news, which went viral, said: “Mac Miller totalling his G wagon and getting a DUI after Ariana Grande dumped him for another dude after he poured his heart out on a ten song album to her called the divine feminine is just the most heartbreaking thing happening in Hollywood.” The 25-year-old star hit back: “How absurd that you minimize female self-respect and self-worth by saying someone should stay in a toxic relationship.”

Reading the reports into Miller’s death, and seeing the abuse currently being directed at Grande, all I can say is: She’s right. Grande wasn’t to blame for Miller’s DUI, any more than she’s to blame for his tragic death. Whether it’s substance abuse or poor mental health, dating someone who’s in a dark place was one of the most challenging experiences of my life.

Max was my first proper boyfriend. We met in Rio de Janeiro while traveling around Latin America. We had our first kiss at sunrise on Copacabana Beach. We made sure our paths crossed again a few months later, in La Paz, Bolivia. I was interning at a magazine and he was backpacking, but we ended up buying a single mattress and a set of Toy Story sheets and sleeping on the floor of an empty mansion adjacent to our friend’s apartment. The property had a cellar, half-painted children’s nursery, and creaky floorboards like a classic horror movie set. It was creepy, huge, and free, so we spent a few months there. Then we returned to our lives in the UK and decided long distance was hell, so we moved in together. I adored him.

We began renting our first flat when I was 19 and he was 22. All my friends were going to college and we were living in a shoebox that we could barely afford but having the time of our lives. We would eat chicken nuggets at a cardboard box table and sleep on a futon. Later, we moved for my job. Things gradually got harder. I was working my first job as a journalist and the long hours took a toll. I was often tired and stressed. Max hated his job but felt helpless because he wasn’t sure what he wanted to do. I always knew he had depression. As a teenager he was in and out of hospital undergoing treatment for a heart condition, which triggered a long period of low mood. It lingered, always, but it had been manageable until then.

In those few months, we became trapped in an exhausting cycle. We were dependent on one another for our happiness, but we were totally out of sync. A tiny comment or mood swing would send everything spiraling out of control. Max would apologize, convinced he was to blame. I would say it wasn’t his fault. He wouldn’t believe me. I would feel bad for getting frustrated. I would go for walks, drive around the neighborhood, smoke cigarettes in the park, stay late at work to get away. I would have panic attacks. He would take days off. I was working 12-hour days, and I struggled to give him all my attention when I got home. Sometimes, I felt suffocated.

We had no space to breathe or feel emotions without upsetting one other and setting off a chain of events that could drag on for days. I begged him to see a doctor, but he was just handed a tick-box questionnaire with a sliding scale asking him to rate how likely he was to kill himself. Despite admitting he self-harmed and suffered suicidal thoughts, they didn’t consider him high risk. He was prescribed antidepressants and enrolled in a group counseling session where a PowerPoint slideshow recommended he do more exercise. Max was already going to the gym five times a week and cycling to work every day. As there was no one-to-one therapy available on the National Health Service, doctors upped his dose. It didn’t work.

I distanced myself subconsciously before we broke up. I suggested we both go back home with the intention of saving money but I think that really, I needed to reset. We saw each other once a fortnight and after a few months, decided to go on a weekend away. I didn’t plan to break up with him, but the words came out during an alcohol-fueled row. He asked me the next morning if I meant it, and I realized I did.

In the weeks that followed, Max hit rock bottom. I knew he was suicidal and that weighed on my mind constantly. He had always said I was the best thing to happen to him and he hated his life before he met me, but at the same time he was convinced I’d be better off without him. For the first time, I agreed: and I also knew that he would be better off without me, too. We were stuck in a loop of negativity, and things wouldn’t improve until we escaped it.

After we broke up, I felt sick and feared that he might hurt himself. All I wanted was to be there for him, but I knew that could make things worse. Instead, I messaged his mom to see how he was doing. Deep down, I was terrified that our break-up could lead him to end his life and alter mine forever.

It was the lowest point in both our lives, but it ended up being the most formative. Max spent 18 weeks without help on waiting lists but eventually, with the support of his family, began seeing a private psychologist whom he credits with helping him turn things around. The therapy gave him the tools to tackle negative thoughts that crept into his brain, taught him that he wasn’t to blame when I was unhappy, and gave him self-worth. It also made him realize he wanted to help others in a similar situation and he began studying for a degree in psychology. He’s just finished his first year and is in a good place. He’s no longer on antidepressants. And—plot twist—we’re back together now.

We got back together late last year, after taking things slowly and talking for a long time. Max was doing better, and so was I. Things are far from perfect, but we’re stronger and happier now than we’ve ever been before.

Miller’s death is a tragedy. Regardless of whether he was mourning his relationship with Grande, like some sources say, or had moved on, our knee-jerk reaction to tie the two things together is harmful. It insinuates that Miller might still be alive if she had not left him. This is just not true: Miller talked about substance abuse and battling depression years before his relationship with Grande began. We must stop expecting people to ‘save’ their partners. It perpetuates the myth that women—and men—should stay in unhealthy relationships. They shouldn’t, and to suggest otherwise is dangerous.

In my case, my break-up with Max could have ended in tragedy. If it had, I would have felt responsible for the rest of my life, but I know now that it would not have been my fault.

This essay was originally published by Broadly / Vice. Read it here.

[cubaverdad]

The Cuban hustle - Doctors drive cabs and work abroad to make up for meager pay

The Cuban hustle: Doctors drive cabs and work abroad to make up for meager pay By ROB WATERS FEBRUARY 8, 2017 HAVANA — He knew as a child that he wanted to be a doctor, like his father. He went to medical school, became a general surgeon and ultimately a heart specialist. He practiced at Cuba's premier cardiovascular hospital, performed heart transplants, and published articles in medical journals. For this, Roberto Mejides earned a typical doctor's salary: about $40 a month. It wasn't nearly enough, even with the free housing and health care available to Cubans, to support his extended family. So in 2014, Mejides left them behind, moving to Ecuador to earn up to $8,000 a month working at two clinics and performing surgeries. It's a common story here, where waiters, cabdrivers, and tour guides can make 10 to 20 times the government wages of doctors and nurses — thanks to tips from tourists. "Doctors are like slaves for our society," said Sandra, an art student and photographer's assistant who makes more than her mother, a physician. "It's not fair to study for so many years and be so underpaid." Cuba is proud of its government-run health care system and its skilled doctors. But even with a raise two years ago, the highest paid doctors make $67 a month, while nurses top out at $40. That leaves many feeling demoralized — and searching for ways to improve their lives. Some enter the private economy — by renting rooms to tourists, driving cabs, or treating private patients, quasi-legally, on the side. Thousands of others accept two-year government assignments to work as doctors abroad, collecting higher salaries for themselves and earning billions for the state, which helps keep the stagnant economy afloat. In fact, health workers are Cuba's largest source of foreign exchange. A few doctors, like Mejides, arrange foreign employment on their own, putting at risk their future ability to return to a government job in the health system back home. "It's hard to migrate and be alone," Mejides said in Spanish, during a video phone call from Ecuador to a reporter visiting Havana in October. "It's stressful. I am in the wrong place. I should be with my family in my country, working and being rewarded properly." Still, with his Ecuador earnings, he was able to buy his wife, two daughters, and two stepdaughters a $23,000 apartment in Havana, and he sends them $300 to $500 a month. Renting out rooms to make ends meet While doctors back in Cuba grumble about their low pay, they usually find ways to make do. Sandra's mother, Nadia, a genetics researcher, earns about as much as she pays a cleaning woman to maintain her three-bedroom Havana apartment. Whenever she can, she rents one of those rooms to tourists for $40 a night, making more in two nights than she does from her monthly earnings as a doctor. She asked that her full name not be used to avoid any problems with the government. The rental income allows Nadia to have a modestly comfortable life and to be able to buy fruits and vegetables at farmers markets. But a restaurant meal is a rare treat, and traveling abroad is impossible. Still, she loves her work and the intellectual challenge of her research into genetic diseases. She said many Cuban doctors are committed and provide excellent service, in part because of the ways they have learned to overcome shortages of equipment and technology. "We don't have all the electronic tools, so we have to learn to do things other ways, to diagnose just by external examination," she said, over a dinner of fish and rum at her apartment. She'd like to earn more money, of course, and she understands why so many doctors, including many she knows, have chosen to leave Cuba. "I'm not ambitious for money," she said. "I get rent from visitors, and I get to live in Cuba. I have a nice house, and I'm happy with what I have. But I'm not a millionaire." Cecilia, a 60-year-old former nurse who also asked that her full name not be used, spent 25 years working in government hospitals and clinics. To adapt to the shortages, she learned to make inventos medicos — medical inventions — using a chair or bench to raise the back of a patient's bed, for example, or cutting the tip off an intravenous line to fashion an oxygen feed to a patient's nose. But she became disillusioned by the chronic shortages and the stress she saw in both her patients and colleagues. "The material scarcity is so overwhelming that it keeps people from dedicating all the passion, love, and brain power that they should to their patients in need," she said, sitting in a rocking chair in her third-floor Havana apartment. "I was the one who had to face the patients and tell them we don't have the drug that you need. It was very common. And I didn't want to do that any more." Doctors and nurses "have the best intentions, but they face so many obstacles, there are so many things on their mind," she added. "The doctor might be treating a patient but they are actually thinking: 'When I get home, at God knows what time, what am I going to feed my kid?'" She quit nursing in the early 2000s and later began to pursue her passion, doing hands-on alternative medicine that combines techniques of massage, kinesiology, magnetic therapy, and so-called floral therapy, which uses extracts of flowers and herbs as healing agents. Her work with private clients, who come to her apartment, is permitted under a license for massage, the only form of healing work included on a list of government-approved private services and businesses. Working three days a week, she earns almost $120 a month "if all my appointments show up," she said. "I use to make that in six months working at the hospital." A surplus of doctors In the years after Fidel Castro seized power in 1959, Cuba invested heavily in education and science, training tens of thousands of doctors, nurses, and scientists. As a result, Cuba, a country of 11.2 million people, today has 90,000 doctors, the most per capita in the world. About 25,000 of these doctors, along with 30,000 Cuban nurses and other health professionals, are working in 67 countries around the world. They earn about $8.2 billion in revenue for the government, according to a recent article in Granma, the official paper of the Cuban Communist Party. The bulk of the doctors, about 20,000, are in Brazil and Venezuela. Over the last three years they provided treatment to 60 million Brazilians, mostly the rural poor, said Cristián Morales Fuhrimann, the Pan American Health Organization's representative in Havana. Cuba receives about $5,000 a month per doctor from Brazil, pays each doctor about $1,200, and banks the rest, said John Kirk, a professor of Latin American studies at Dalhousie University in Halifax, Canada, who has researched Cuba's program of medical missions. Most of the doctors' shares are deposited in their Cuban bank accounts, requiring them to return home to collect it. "Cuba has too many doctors, so their main source of hard currency is to rent out medical services," Kirk said. Once close allies of Havana, Brazil and Venezuela have been engulfed in political and economic crises that will cause them to reduce their use of Cuban doctors in the coming years. That may lead Cuba to redeploy some doctors to other parts of the world, including the Middle East. In Qatar, an oil-rich emirate about as far from Cuba geographically and culturally as any place in the world, the so-called Cuban Hospital is fully staffed by 400 Cuban doctors, nurses, and technicians. Cuba's dispatch of doctors not only generates revenue, it is also an exercise in soft power that allows the country to spread its influence around the globe. "It's a major contribution to the health of the world," said Morales. "They made a big difference in fighting Ebola in Africa, in the aftermath of Hurricane Matthew in Haiti." Some Cuban doctors working overseas have defected to the United States, aided by a policy launched during the administration of George W. Bush that permitted Cuban medical personnel to go to the US with their spouses and children. In its last weeks in office, the Obama administration announced it was ending the program. Since the Cuban Medical Professional Parole Program began in 2006, more than 9,000 medical professionals and their family members were approved for admission to the US. In the past four years, the number of entrants spiked, reaching almost 2,000 for the fiscal year that ended Sept. 30. The Cuban government and the Pan American Health Organization protested the policy as a form of poaching that undermined Cuba's health system and impeded newfound cooperation between the US and Cuba. In a statement, Obama acknowledged that the program "risks harming the Cuban people." Cuban doctors are in demand internationally because they come cheap, are well-trained, and work in a public health system that is highly organized and well-run. In Cuba, primary care clinics are available in every neighborhood. Specialists in cancer, immunology, genetic medicine, and cardiovascular disease staff the hospitals. Life expectancy rates, which two generations ago were at Third World levels, are today roughly equal to those in the United States. But the absence of so many doctors also provokes complaints from patients, who say it keeps them from getting the best care. They also grouse that they have to bring their own food and bedsheets, wait for appointments or medications — and provide gifts to doctors to ensure good treatment. When the 61-year-old father of Concepcion, a young Cuban professional, was diagnosed with prostate cancer last summer, she used personal connections to enable her father to see a specialist promptly. Concepcion, who asked that her full name not be used to avoid reprisals or damage to her professional standing, also provided daily gifts of food, cosmetics, and sometimes cash to doctors, nurses, and technicians while her father was hospitalized for a month in Holguin, a city in eastern Cuba. "Doctors are used to receiving gifts," she said. "You give the gift and the attention starts getting better. If you stop and the attention goes down, you go back to handing out gifts. You feel sorry for the doctors because they work really hard under bad conditions and you always feel like they're not being rewarded." She estimated she spent about $500 on gifts and food, an amount she said would have doubled had he been hospitalized in pricier Havana. Jose dos Santos, a Cuban journalist who needs regular treatment for his diabetes, said the care he receives is excellent. Bringing gifts to doctors "has become a habit because we know that the job doctors do needs to be better rewarded," he said. "We don't produce oil," he added, "but we produce talent, and it makes sense that that talent is acknowledged and rewarded." In December, Roberto Mejides moved again, this time to Merida, Mexico, where he plans to work for the next four years. His income will be roughly the same as in Ecuador, but now he's just 90 minutes by air from Havana. He hopes to bring his family to join him in the coming months, "My hopes have always been the same, to work honestly and to provide my family with an adequate life," he said. Someday, he added, he wants to return to Cuba: "It's my country, my homeland." Rob Waters can be reached at robwaters@pacbell.net Follow Rob on Twitter @robwaters001 Source: Cuban doctors drive cabs and work abroad to compensate for meager pay - http://ift.tt/2lq478j via Blogger http://ift.tt/2k3w3Nz