#they impacted me more than any piece of fiction ever has and as someone whose whole personality revolves around stories that's saying A LOT

[tiredgeekgirl]

fellas it has been three months since the beach episode and thinking about neil and eva in any capacity still makes me ILL

[ganymedesclock]

These are questions I've had for some while and it's hard to find someone who'll answer with grace. This mostly relates to disabilities (mental or physical) in fiction.

1) What makes a portrayal of a disability that's harming the character in question ableist?

2) Is there a way to write a disabled villain in a way that isn't ableist?

In the circles I've been in, the common conceptions are you can't use a character's disability as a plot point or showcase it being a hindrance in some manner. heaven forbid you make your villain disabled in some capacity, that's a freaking death sentence to a creative's image. I understand historically villains were the only characters given disabilities, but (and this is my personal experience) I've not seen as many disabled villains nowadays, heck, I see more disabled heroes in media nowadays.

Sorry if this comes off as abrasive, I'd really like to be informed for future media consumption and my own creative endeavors.

Okay so the first thing I'm going to say is that while it IS a good idea to talk to disabled people and get their feedback, disabled people are not a monolith and they aren't going to all have the same take on how this goes.

My personal take is biased in favor that I'm a neurodivergent person (ADHD and autism) who has no real experience with physical disabilities, so I won't speak for physically disabled people- heck, I won't even speak for every neurotype. Like I say, people aren't a monolith.

For myself and my own writing of disabled characters, here's a couple of concepts I stick by:

Research is your friend

Think about broad conventions of ableism

Be mindful of cast composition

1. Research is your friend

Yeah this is the thing everybody says, so here's the main bases I try to cover:

What's the story on this character's disability?

Less in terms of 'tragic angst' and more, what kind of condition this is- because a congenital amputee (that is to say, someone who was born without a limb) will have a different relationship to said limb absence than someone who lost their limb years ago to someone who lost their limb yesterday. How did people in their life respond to it, and how did they respond to it? These responses are not "natural" and will not be the same to every person with every worldview. This can also be a great environment to do worldbuilding in! Think about the movie (and the tv series) How To Train Your Dragon. The vikings in that setting don't have access to modern medicine, and they're, well, literally fighting dragons and other vikings. The instance of disability is high, and the medical terminology to talk about said disabilities is fairly lackluster- but in a context where you need every man you possibly can to avoid the winter, the mindset is going to be not necessarily very correct, but egalitarian. You live in a village of twenty people and know a guy who took a nasty blow to the head and hasn't quite been the same ever since? "Traumatic Brain Injury" is probably not going to be on your lips, but you're also probably going to just make whatever peace you need to and figure out how to accommodate Old Byron for his occasional inability to find the right word, stammers and trembles. In this example, there are several relevant pieces of information- what the character's disability is (aphasia), how they got it (brain injury), and the culture and climate around it (every man has to work, and we can't make more men or throw them away very easily, so, how can we make sure this person can work even if we don't know what's wrong with them)

And that dovetails into:

What's the real history, and modern understandings, of this?

This is where "knowing the story" helps a lot. To keep positing our hypothetical viking with a brain injury, I can look into brain injuries, what affects their extent and prognosis, and maybe even beliefs about this from the time period and setting I'm thinking of (because people have had brains, and brain injuries, the entire time!) Sure, if the setting is fantastical, I have wiggle room, but looking at inspirations might give me a guide post.

Having a name for your disorder also lets you look for posts made by specific people who live with the condition talking about their lives. This is super, super important for conditions stereotyped as really scary, like schizophrenia or narcissistic personality disorder. Even if you already know "schizophrenic people are real and normal" it's still a good thing to wake yourself up and connect with others.

2. Think about broad conventions of ableism

It CAN seem very daunting or intimidating to stay ahead of every single possible condition that could affect someone's body and mind and the specific stereotypes to avoid- there's a lot under the vast umbrella of human experience and we're learning more all the time! A good hallmark is, ableism has a few broad tendencies, and when you see those tendencies rear their head, in your own thinking or in accounts you read by others, it's good to put your skeptical glasses on and look closer. Here's a few that I tend to watch out for:

Failing the “heartwarming dog” test

This was a piece of sage wisdom that passed my eyeballs, became accepted as sage wisdom, and my brain magnificently failed to recall where I saw it. Basically, if you could replace your disabled character with a lovable pet who might need a procedure to save them, and it wouldn’t change the plot, that’s something to look into.

Disability activists speak often about infantilization, and this is a big thing of what they mean- a lot of casual ableism considers disabled people as basically belonging to, or being a burden onto, the able-bodied and neurotypical. This doesn’t necessarily even need to have an able neurotypical in the picture- a personal experience I had that was extremely hurtful was at a point in high school, I decided to do some research on autism for a school project. As an autistic teenager looking up resources online, I was very upset to realize that every single resource I accessed at the time presumed it was talking to a neurotypical parent about their helpless autistic child. I was looking for resources to myself, yet made to feel like I was the subject in a conversation.

Likewise, many wheelchair users have relayed the experience of, when they, in their chair, are in an environment accompanied by someone else who isn’t using a chair, strangers would speak to the standing person exclusively, avoiding addressing the chair user. 

It’s important to always remind yourself that at no point do disabled people stop being people. Yes, even people who have facial deformities; yes, even people who need help using the bathroom; yes, even people who drool; yes, even people whose conditions impact their ability to communicate, yes, even people with cognitive disabilities. They are people, they deserve dignity, and they are not “a child trapped in a 27-year-old body”- a disabled adult is still an adult. All of the “trying to learn the right rules” in the world won’t save you if you keep an underlying fear of non-normative bodies and minds.

This also has a modest overlap between disability and sexuality in particular. I am an autistic grayromantic ace. Absolutely none of my choices or inclinations about sex are because I’m too naive or innocent or childlike to comprehend the notion- disabled people have as diverse a relationship with sexuality as any other. That underlying fear- as mentioned before- can prevent many people from imagining that, say, a wheelchair user might enjoy sex and have experience with it. Make sure all of your disabled characters have full internal worlds.

Poor sickly little Tiffany and the Red Right Hand

A big part of fictional ableism is that it separates the disabled into two categories. Anybody who’s used TVTropes would recognize the latter term I used here. But to keep it brief:

Poor, sickly little Tiffany is cute. Vulnerable. How her disability affects her life is that it constantly creates a pall of suffering that she lives beneath. After all, having a non-normative mind or body must be an endless cavalcade of suffering and tragedy, right? People who are disabled clearly spend their every waking moment affected by, and upset, that they aren’t normal!

The answer is... No, actually. Cut the sad violin; even people who have chronic pain who are literally experiencing pain a lot more than the rest of us are still fully capable of living complex lives and being happy. If nothing else, it would be literally boring to feel nothing but awful, and people with major depression or other problems still, also, have complicated experiences. And yes, some of it’s not great. You don’t have to present every disability as disingenuously a joy to have. But make a point that they own these things. It is a very different feeling to have a concerned father looking through the window at his angel-faced daughter rocking sadly in her wheelchair while she stares longingly out the window, compared to a character waking up at midnight because they have to go do something and frustratedly hauling their body out of their bed into their chair to get going.

Poor Sickly Little Tiffany (PSLT, if you will) virtually always are young, and they virtually always are bound to the problems listed under ‘failing the heartwarming dog’ test. Yes, disabled kids exist, but the point I’m making here is that in the duality of the most widely accepted disabled characters, PSLT embodies the nadir of the Victim, who is so pure, so saintly, so gracious, that it can only be a cruel quirk of fate that she’s suffering. After all, it’s not as if disabled people have the same dignity that any neurotypical and able-bodied person has, where they can be an asshole and still expect other people to not seriously attack their quality of life- it’s a “service” for the neurotypical and able-bodied to “humor” them.

(this is a bad way to think. Either human lives matter or they don’t. There is no “wretched half-experience” here- if you wouldn’t bodily grab and yank around a person standing on their own feet, you have no business grabbing another person’s wheelchair)

On the opposite end- and relevant to your question- is the Red Right Hand. The Red Right Hand does not have PSLT’s innocence or “purity”- is the opposite extreme. The Red Right Hand is virtually always visually deformed, and framed as threatening for their visual deformity. To pick on a movie I like a fair amount, think about how in Captain America: The Winter Soldier, the title character is described- “Strong. Fast. Had a metal arm.” That’s a subtle example, but, think about how that metal arm is menacing. Sure, it’s a high tech weapon in a superhero genre- but who has the metal arm? The Winter Soldier, who is, while a tormented figure that ultimately becomes more heroic- scary. Aggressive. Out for blood.

The man who walks at midnight with a Red Right Hand is a signal to us that his character is foul because of the twisting of his body. A good person, we are led to believe, would not be so- or a good person would be ashamed of their deformity and work to hide it. The Red Right Hand is not merely “an evil disabled person”- they are a disabled person whose disability is depicted as symptomatic of their evil, twisted nature, and when you pair this trope with PSLT, it sends a message: “stay in your place, disabled people. Be sad, be consumable, and let us push you around and decide what to do with you. If you get uppity, if you have ideas, if you stand up to us, then the thing that made you a helpless little victim will suddenly make you a horrible monster, and justify us handling you with inhumanity.”

As someone who is a BIG fan of eldritch horror and many forms of unsettling “wrongness” it is extremely important to watch out for the Red Right Hand. Be careful how you talk about Villainous Disability- there is no connection between disability and morality. People will be good, bad, or simply just people entirely separate from their status of ability or disability. It’s just as ableist to depict every disabled person as an innocent good soul as it is to exclusively deal in grim and ghastly monsters.

Don’t justify disabilities and don’t destroy them.

Superpowers are cool. Characters can and IMO should have superpowers, as long as you’re writing a genre when they’re there.

BUT.

It’s important to remember that there is no justification for disabilities, because they don’t need one. Disability is simply a feature characters have. You do not need to go “they’re blind, BUT they can see the future”

This is admittedly shaky, and people can argue either way; the Blind Seer is a very pronounced mythological figure and an interesting philosophical point about what truly matters in the world. There’s a reason it exists as a conceit. But if every blind character is blind in a way that completely negates that disability or makes it meaningless- this sucks. People have been blind since the dawn of time. And people will always accommodate their disabilities in different ways. Even if the technology exists to fix some forms of blindness, there are people who will have “fixable” blindness and refuse to treat it. There will be individuals born blind who have no meaningful desire to modify this. And there are some people whose condition will be inoperable even if it “shouldn’t” be.

You don’t need to make your disabled characters excessively cool, or give them a means by which the audience can totally forget they’re disabled. Again, this is a place where strong worldbuilding is your buddy- a handwave of “x technology fixed all disabilities”, in my opinion, will never come off good. If, instead, however, you throw out a careless detail that the cool girl the main character is chatting up in a cyberpunk bar has an obvious spinal modification, and feature other characters with prosthetics and without- I will like your work a lot, actually. Even if you’re handing out a fictional “cure”- show the seams. Make it have drawbacks and pros and cons. A great example of this is in the series Full Metal Alchemist- the main character has two prosthetic limbs, and not only do these limbs come with problems, some mundane (he has phantom limb pains, and has to deal with outgrowing his prostheses or damaging them in combat) some more fantastical (these artificial limbs are connected to his nerves to function fluidly- which means that they get surgically installed with no anesthesia and hurt like fuck plugging in- and they require master engineering to stay in shape). We explicitly see a scene of the experts responsible for said limbs talking to a man who uses an ordinary prosthetic leg, despite the advantages of an automail limb, because these drawbacks are daunting to him and he is happier with a simple prosthetic leg.

Even in mundane accommodations you didn’t make up- no two wheelchair users use their chair the exact same way, and there’s a huge diversity of chairs. Someone might be legally blind but still navigate confidently on their own; they might use a guide dog, or they might use a cane. They might even change their needs from situation to situation!

Disability accommodations are part of life

This ties in heavily to the previous point, but seriously! Don’t just look up one model of cane and superimpose it with no modifications onto your character- think about what their lifestyle is, and what kind of person they are!

Also medication is not the devil. Yes, medical abuse is real and tragic and the medication is not magic fairy dust that solves all problems either. But also, it’s straight ableism to act like anybody needing pills for any reason is a scary edgy plot twist. 

(and addiction is a disease. Please be careful, and moreover be compassionate, if you’re writing a character who’s an addict)

3. Be mindful of cast composition

This, to me, is a big tip about disability writing and it’s also super easy to implement!

Just make sure your cast has a lot of meaningful disabled characters in it!

Have you done all the work you can to try and dodge the Red Right Hand but you’re still worried your disabled villain is a bad look? They sure won’t look like a commentary on disability if three other people in the cast are disabled and don’t have the same outlook or role! Worried that you’re PSLT-ing your main character’s disabled child? Maybe the disability is hereditary and they got it from the main character!

The more disabled characters you have, the more it will challenge you to think about what their individual relationship is with the world and the less you’ll rely on hackneyed tropes. At least, ideally.

-

Ultimately, there’s no perfect silver bullet of diversity writing that will prevent a work from EVER being ableist, but I hope this helped, at least!

[pigeonsatdawn]

law school ep 15 (and solhwi overall)

gonna put in my two cents for the line that singlehandedly caused the solhwi nation to implode.

(apologies in advanced because my thoughts are too messy for me to neatly put it in a post but i want to say it anyway—also this is just the way i view solhwi so please don't come screaming at me if you disagree!)

i'm a diehard solhwi shipper and i love their relationship, and think they have one of the best relationships out there in the fictional world, and also definitely one of the healthiest. but to me, their relationship extends far beyond the romantic relationships we so often see portrayed in media.

kim beom said in one interview that this relationship between HJH and KS is kin to that of a soulmate relationship that's not necessarily romance, and i find myself agreeing with that notion. while soulmates are typically used to describe romantic partnerships, it doesn't necessarily have to start with romance. (many people have pointed this out in other posts so i won't go further down the fact that HJH x KS's relationship is a friends-to-lovers slow burn but you get me.)

but in fact, this bond between soulmates (or at least how i define it), in my opinion, is far beyond what we usually see in romance. as in, it's not just someone you like, but it's someone whose changed your life in a certain way. i know some may be averse to the idea of having to change for the one you love because loving is the notion of accepting someone in spite of the person's flaws, but what i mean is that when you love someone in this way, you want to change because of them. you see them, and they inspire you, and you grow in your own way. once again—growth is a very subjective idea, and even for HJH and KS we can see them grow in different directions—but we can clearly see how they have impacted each others' lives.

it's quite obvious, imo, how KS's life has been impacted by HJH's. she's,, not the "smartest" out there, and we can't deny that. we know she probably won't make it through law school if not for HJH's help. HJH is always there, a step ahead of KS, but he's not just being proud about it, instead opting to help her understand what the laws are and why they are the way they are, which KS especially needs, being a particularly empathic person. but we've also seen that HJH has helped KS beyond simply academics. he's always been there to protect her—almost all their interactions have proven that (the camera outside her house, the hungover soup, the switching seats—i think literally everything?..?..?.??). maybe she doesn't necessarily need protection, but surely thanks to his protection she's much better than she might've been without, especially knowing her terribly miserable life.

but i often wonder why HJH is so heart-eyes of KS of all people. i mean, i know love is love and sometimes you just catch feelings, but i believe there's more meaning behind their relationship than meets the eye. like you don't just look at someone so lovingly for it to be just a crush, y'know? the first reason that comes to mind is clearly simply KS's amicable personality. she definitely stands out: she's not that intelligent, struggling and barely surviving, but she has insane passion to pull through even despite truth attacks (like SJH saying she should reconsider her life decisions, saying that a chance of passing isn't something to be proud of, etc). she treats everything with such a positive outlook, and, well, KS is just an adorable human, so it's hard not to have a little crush her.

what makes KS stand out most, the core of her personality, is that she has hope, despite everything. she's been through shit because of her circumstances—left by her twin sister without a word, been in juvie, has no money to deal with it—you know, entire backstory. but instead she fights her weakness, even though she feel like it should've been her sister, even though she's not smart enough, because she has to do this. she keeps going, even though things keep turning out for the worse for her, holding hope when circumstances are most dire. but why? because she strives for justice. she doesn't want to be wronged. she wants the law to own up its mistakes, wants to make sure the law gets its own revenge. that's why she wants to work in law, yeah? and so she keeps fighting, even when hope seems lost.

okay but why did i mention this? because i think this is what HJH sees in KS. why? because this is what he needs.

HJH had lost hope. in an episode (i don't remember which), he mentioned he doesn't trust anyone, and it's obvious why: his uncle. it's the worst kind of betrayal that causes your ideals being burned down. he realized that even people who work in law can be corrupt, people who he thought he could trust above all others, people who seemed utterly good. and then he just begins to regard everyone with baseline amity, and no further. many have pointed out he doesn't have real friends (other than KS), even though he looks outgoing and friendly. it's not quite shown, but it must've been lonely. and a lonely fight, trying to prove that he will be a better prosecutor than his uncle was. and we know that HJH's nature as a person is to be calculating, objective, seeing things through facts and statistics; it's what makes him so intelligent. what that also makes him is realistic, and more often than not, that is almost equal to pessimistic—because reality just... sucks, as has been proven by the betrayal of his uncle. and further into the drama we see only more corrupt people in the business, so we certainly don't get out hopes fueled.

there's scarcely anyone in what we see who's actually pursuing law because they're passionate about the law, or if they are, they're not often very... human in doing it. examples: YJH, SJH, KSB are all very cold and indifferent types, people who really just come and do what they do, focus on studies (in the case of YJH, his teaching), and interactions with others are treated as "lesser". SJH and KSB in particular—they're good at the law, sure, but they seem to prioritize their position in law first and foremost. SJH and KSB don't hesitate to call out their losses, and even would rather not intervene for justice if it meant their position would be compromised. not that they're bad characters, not at all; i mentioned them simply to compare them to KS, who, despite not having the brains to do half the things she's supposed to do and earning herself nosebleeds everytime she tries, still does what she does for justice, passionately, hopefully, all for righteousness.

okay this was longer than i intended WHEW so i'll cut to the chase: long story short, HJH needs KS because KS gives him hope. hope of a humanity where people actually work in law and choose to fight for justice against all odds, even if the system itself is infiltrated by filth and corruption. KS is someone who, in her first lecture, was grilled the fuck out by Yangcrates, yet the first thing she does after she nearly throws her guts out is ask HJH whether he can tutor her. she does not ever lose hope, and that, truly, is what stands out to HJH, what he needs.

and KS needs HJH because he is her hope as well! hope by itself does no good if you can't actually do something about it, and KS knows this. HJH, despite seemingly just being someone to help her in her studies, is someone she needs if she wants to achieve her goals, if she wants to get back on the law the right way. which is why, in the end, KS and HJH are, while independent in their own way, dependent on each other in terms of their growth—KS gives HJH hope in humanity, HJH helps KS realize (make real) her hopes that would have been dreams if not for her.

oh my god i've rambled on this long without stating my point: THE DAMN LINE.

HJH saying he owes her makes sense in this light because, indeed, KS's positive outlook in everything keeps him going. it gives him a reason to keep wanting to work in law, because she is a reason to believe in goodness and justice, that there will be people who keep fighting for justice against all odds. he owes this to her—and perhaps that is why he goes all out to help her achieve that hope, perhaps that's why he goes out of his way to care for her. because they are each other's missing puzzle piece, the other half. soulmates.

sigh ok this was long ONE FINAL POINT. everyone has their own opinion on a solwhi ending, so i might as well chip in mine.

certainly, as a solhwi shipper, i want them to end up together. i believe they're really the best of soulmates, two people who just complement each other so well. but in the current timeline, them having a romantic relationship out of the blue would be,,, simply unnecessary, imo. they're still very much in the stage of friendship, and are both dealing with their own personal baggage, that shoving a romance would just take away the focus from their growth. i personally think even this platonic relationship is already a beautiful one, one that outshines many of the romances i've watched, even without having to flood everything under the romance light—which i think many can agree with me, seeing as how solhwi is shipped so much. i still want to see them end up together, though, so SEASON TWO LAW SCHOOL MANIFESTATION. please please please directors writers make it happen i am begging you. thank you.

sorry for this long ass post, thank you if you do read it and leave any thoughts! again this is just my opinion, you're free to let me know if you think differently or anything, or shoot me a message if you want to scream about solhwi or whatever i'm just solhwi brainrot 24/7 🤸🏻‍♀️

[hyrule-kingdom-updates]

OOC; To Mod - hello! I’m doing a fun thing where I hop into the askboxes of different writers and ask them about their favorite works! This specific blog is like. A huge undertaking, so if you wanna geek out about it, go for it! This can include anything, from arc development shit to fun facts about the blog and how it operates. This is such a cool idea anyways, and I’m sure people would love to hear about it. :)

I am going to geek out about this so hard that you’ll regret ever talking to me.

Hmm...What to talk about that won’t spoil the future of HKU...Oh I know! How about I ramble about

HKU and the Long and Arduous Process of Making Characters and Themes

I will try to avoid details when I can, but I will be discussing the latest developments with Siv, Larc, and Astor, so consider yourself warned for spoilers and catch up if you haven't yet! :3

Waste not, want not: Why I find it important to not waste characters and time

In Hyrule Kingdom Updates, Asivus "Siv" Hartell is the protagonist. Zelda(Mallory) is the deuteragonist. Then finally, LinkLink is the tritagonist. They are the perspectives that I would find most important. However, all in all, I would consider there to be six really important characters in order for HKU to work, that being: Siv, Zelda, Link, Larc, Astor, and Zavis.

Now, I say "really" important for demonstrative purposes because really, all characters are important. Every single one of them. Characters are the lifeblood of HKU, and I spend a lot of time making sure that they don't give off the impression of being self-inserts or just there for fun. I mean they are, but I spend a lot of time making sure they don't seem like that *wink wink*

This is what I define as the essentials for any "good" character:

Someone who provides an interesting/new perspective on the themes of the story

Someone whose wants and needs enhance the plot

Someone that can be understood as an individual

Yet someone that wouldn't be important to the story, without their bonds and relationships to the other characters

I don't really care about how likable a character is, or relatable, or how funny or badass they are; that's all secondary. Third-endary, even. If a character doesn't do enough to serve my story, I cut them, and merge their ideas with an existing characters. Caricautures are for comic relief, and in order to maintain a reader's interest an immersion into my story, I want to consistently give them characters that are well thought out and important. Whenever there's a new face, or an unexpected appearance, I want it to be wordlessly understood that I'm not wasting their time, that there is something this character has to offer.

A reader finding value in something/someone is one of the most important things a writer can have, because it is that particular investment that drives the story, or at least, my story. I cannot stress enough how vital characters are to HKU because this quite literally wouldn't work if you removed even one person from the plot. If you don't find these people important and interesting then EVERYTHING'S ruined. Everything. Every post is a battle for your attention and time, every piece of dialogue is a line I cast into the sea just hoping that there's someone swimming in the ocean because at any MOMENT you could click away, and I know this because I AM a reader, and I WOULD click away if I found something boring. So every plot point is just a battle between the writer me, wanting to spew everything, and reader me, who knows what the essentials are, and what to do to keep a person's investment.

This cycle of writing the story and characters, and understand what is essential and interesting to a reader is what led to me cutting over 20 characters and arcs from HKU.

That's how much time I spend on these fictional fuckers, no one is wasted or expendable. I think the only character that I could write out if I wanted to would be Hestu, and that's mainly because I did actually forget they existed until the Lost Wood's arc rolled around.

So with those points in mind, let's look at some of the characters that I spent a lot of time writing for, that is Siv, Larc, and Astor.

Welcome to the shitpost blog: First Impressions and Establishing...Everything

Welcome to @hyrule-kingdom-updates, and thank you for following! This is just a little comedic blog featuring funny posts from characters who live within Breath of the Wild Hyrule.

Hook, line, and sinker.

There's a lot of reasons why I started HKU this way, (one of them mainly being that I knew no one would read it if I opened immediately with the plot) but the main reason being I believe it was the fastest way to get you interested in the world and the protagonist.

The theme of HKU centers around trauma, and asking the question of what's the right way to deal with the malice(not the goop but like, real-life malicious things) of the world.

So if you want to move a story into a direction that plunges a fictional fairytale kingdom into the realities of life, you first have to establish that fictional fairytale kingdom and it's characters,

Even from the very first post I am working to establish character.

Now, it might seem silly, but there's actually a lot of information that you automatically take in from these two posts alone.

The diction and lack of proper punctuation implies that the narrator is more casual and down to earth

The narrator is aware that people are reading these "updates"

The immediate contrast between the "professional" introduction and humerous shitpost provides insight as to the sense of humour present

The orator is new at their job, and perhaps wants to keep their position

The narrators updates are under the influence of the Royal Family, perhaps more specifically, King Rhoam.

The establishment of Rhoam being in power and Urbosa being alive tells as to when in the timeline of Hyrule we are

Addressments like "don't worry" and "wish me luck" imply that there is value in the reader's opinion and perspective

The goal of the shit post says was basically to establish the world, and what kind of person Siv is. On a meta level, I want you to laugh at the shit posts because that's what Siv is doing. I KNOW you're enjoying the shitposts, therefore it more believable for you to understand that this is something Siv does as well. There's an unspoken distance between you and the world, even if your asks impact it. For you, this is just another funny day in the life, and the same can be said for Siv, but the difference is that for him, it actually IS a reality.

That's why I really enjoyed these days because I was just schemeing behind the scenes, knowing how I was going to turn this all over your heads.

So, you know how he is at the start. Siv is an apathetic individual, he laughs off whatever shit comes his way, and cares only for himself. His view of the world of Hyrule is through the lens of someone who seems to have accept that he has no control over his life, his very job is dictated by royals.

And though he has no respect for authority, and has been deemed a lowly criminal by most people, he still seems like a pretty decent guy. Human. It seems pretty apparant that even though he pretends to not care about the world, he obviously has human morals and wants, and would more than anything like to have control over his life, but he seems to have accepted that's not going to happen.

Siv isn't just sarcastic, or just apathetic to everything, or just a rebellious person. There's a subtle layer to everything, but it's all wrapped in a clearly understandable line of logic. Therefore he is

Someone that can be understood as an individual

At this point in time, if you asked him how to deal with the woes of the world, he would probably shrug his shoulders and say, "laugh it off. Sometimes that's how it is." Whether this idea is something he will main remains to be seen. Therefore as our protagonist, he is

Someone who provides an interesting/new perspective on the themes of the story

Oh brother, it's time to go on a journey: Change and motivation

Now, another way that I break down characters is like this

Want - what they want on the surface

Lie - the belief that they have that prevents them from obtaining their need

Need - what they need to do in order to become better

So, let's break down Siv at this point.

Want: Siv wants to have control over his life, and to do what he wants in order to be happy

Lie: Siv tells himself that there's nothing he can do about his situation, and to just accept the world as it is

Need: Siv needs to learn to give a shit. About himself, and others. He needs to understand that while not everything in life can be controlled, the aspects that we do have power over, like our actions and relationships with others, are important.

Now, Siv doesn't actually go our searching or acting towards his want OR his need, as his lie tells him that he should just take what he can get, and dig in. So far in the story, there is still a distance between him and the reader and the world, because he can choose when to answer asks. He can choose when to confront questions.

So in order to really kick off the story, we have to take that choice away from him.

Enter: The Quill of Roost. Well, more like the quill enters Siv, as he eats it, and we soon discover that now, he can't really escape the questioning voices. Notice that Siv only did this in an effort to do something good, to be a hero. Maybe we'll come back to that later.

So now that we've forced Siv to leave his comfortable apathetic lifestyle, we can start to poke and probe him into a new person. He now has to listen to people more, both literally and metaphorically.

Siv's brother, Arcadius (also known as Larc, by Siv) is a foil, in that he's his opposite. He's not a criminal, he's the respected Captain of the Royal Guard. He's the golden boy, a hero in his own right. He generally respects authority and likes order. I mean, the first time you meet him, he talks like a "how do you do fellow kids" school teacher.

AHe's adored (and simped over) and has a loving family, and lives society's definition of a perfect life.

Yet, despite all of this, there is a deep saddness to Larc that is ever present. He seems to greatly sympathize with Asivus, and has a lot of (yet unseen) regret and guilt. Simiarlly to Siv, he constantly thinks about the unfairness/malice of life, but since Larc seems to have gotten the good end of the stick in life, Larc just convinces himself that any malice or negative emotions he might feel are unjustified, that they don't exist. That he's pathetic to think as such.

But of course, ignoring it doesn't make it go away, Larc still has these emotions, he's still not happy, but he's become to accustomed to them being there and not dealing with them, that's he's almost apathetic about it, similarlly to Siv.

He attempts to find happiness and satisfaction in authority, the the order the kingdom has to offer. He believes that the best thing he can do is be autonomous to whatever the world hands you, whether orders from a king or a father.

But despite this, he understands that deep down, this isn't making him happy. He still hasn't directly dealt with the regrets and guilts he has, even though he tries to hide it under "orders" and the like. He's too much of a coward to do so. Thus, he just concludes that he doesn't deserve to be happy.

Want: Larc wants someone to tell him what to do to be happy. He doesn't want conflict or confrontation, just peace.

Lie: When the life Larc lives doesn't clear his regrets, Larc tells himself that it's because he doesn't deserve to be happy. Thus the very least he could do is do as he's told, and someone like him doesn't deserve to talk back

Need: Larc needs to learn that he does deserve to be happy, but the road to doing so isn't smooth. He needs to learn to care about himself, and actually confront and deal with the problems in his life, instead of running away and being autonomous.

Therefore, Siv and Larc's outlooks on life have contridictions, theirfore their actions also oppose each other at times, and that conflict helps move the story, and make things more fun to watch.

Overtime, we can see their lies start to break down, based on their interactions with other characters, and in their attempt to even help themselves and each other. The autonomous nature and apathy they have starts to break down, whether despite, or because, of their wants and desires.

Now, Siv and Larc just on their own are cool, but with the way they're designed to highlight the theme, and affect the story based on their character driven actions, it makes them both interesting and perhaps even relatable characters, as they are

Someone whose wants and needs enhance the plot

And of course, this pattern isn't just present in the Hartell bros, but in pretty much every character (Except Hestu)

Hey what's that?/We have an older brother/You thought there were two but there is another: Character interaction is pretty cool

So. Siv has allowed himself to open up a little. He dares to be vulnerable for the sake of being happy. He's actually started to rekindle and create bonds, with characters like Larc, Zelda, Link, and Zavis.

But the thing about being open to change and love, can inevitably lead to pain. It's just a reality of life.

Enter: Didymos Astor. Just as the Champion gang comes together, Astor comes along to fuck things up.

On a meta level, Astor is an intriguing character simply because the expectation for him didn't amount to much to begin with. Age of Calamity Astor was just evil for....unstated evil reasons. Therefore writing him was practically just creating an entirely new oc.

So playing with the meta-ness of Astor, there's a lot of mystery to him that I maintained, but in such a way were I actually made sure to eventually answer those mysteries.

At first you don't know why he does what he does, but you do understand that his goal is to help Calamity Ganon rise. He also seemed absolutely confident in his decisions, he believes that his path is the best one.

Then slowly, information is revealed that allows you to understand Astor. And you can bet your bottom dollar that I purposefully did this in parallel with Siv slowly being hurt and betrayed by the people he once let himself be vulnerable with. The understanding of Astor comes with Siv's lack of understanding of the world around him.

Astor at this point in time, is basically a representation of listening to that little voice in your head. Both metaphorically, and quite literally. An "if you can't beat them, join them" attitude.

And of course, because this is HKU, he's not purely an evil villain, and he has an understandble line of logic in his actions, and even morals, as...different as they may be. I try to be very precise with my characters as I don't want to use backstory as an excuse for their actions, I fully intend to let their consequences play out, but at the same time I do want you to understand why someone does something besides just "he evil."

Astor used to have a close relationship with the old Queen of Hyrule, a literal symbol of hope for the kingdom given she possessed the power of Hylia. He himself wasn't a very important person, just some random orphan that probably only got a place at the castle because he was friends with the queen. But when she died, and the fate of Hyrule was apparantly sealed, so too did his hope. A much more depressing outcome of the "you can't control life so be apathetic" view that Astor shares with his brother.

He tried to apply logic to his situation, whether by trying to justify the end by saying that everyone in Hyrule is a fool, or a bad person, or by twisting the memories of his better days into something worse so that he doesn't have to feel as bad.

But of course, the TRUE and absolute reason he does all this, is to save Zelda, because as much as he would loathe to admit it, there's a part of him that still cares. If siding with the Calamity is the only way to save the last connection to the light of your life, then so be it. In a cruel world like Hyrule, why should he be able to enact just a sliver of justice in it.

And honestly he might be right. In the hundreds and thousands of timelines out there, I think there's only two were Zelda actually survives. Not very good chances *wink wink*

He couldn't care less if he looks like a villain as he does this. In fact, he would probably want to. He's been ignored his whole life, so some dramatic time in the spotlight to prove everyone wrong would be euphoric.

Want: Astor wants power over his life, even just a little bit. Just enough to rid the world's vermin, and save Zelda.

Lie: Hope is a lie and everything is doomed. We deserve to lose

Need: If Astor wants to be an actually good person, he needs to learn there are aspects and realities of life that you can't predict or control or assign logic to, yet despite that life is good anyways. Hope isn't always about winning, but about letting yourself live as best you can, and persevere.

Astor is a blast to write, because sometimes he's a stupid emo teen that you can bully for being called "Didymos," and then two minutes later he's a genuinely terrifying villain, and then two minutes after that you're feeling just even the slightest bit of sympathy for him. He's a cunning, cucking, emo bastard and if Larc didn't exist he might just be my favourtie character.

But another thing I love about writing Astor has to do with my fourth point on how I craft characters:

Someone that wouldn't be important to the story, without their bonds and relationships to the other characters

People being enjoyable on their own is great, but I think the best part about writing different characters is seeing how they fit together, like puzzle pieces. This again goes to my point about how no character is wasted, because a complete puzzle doesn't have extra pieces (except Hestu)

So let me just talk about my themes of trauma and how I use malice in HKU

I made this venn diagram awhile ago, but it's kinda....bad. Lmao. So let me summarize in a way that's coherant.

When you get traumatized by something, or something terrible happens to you, even if that experience gets solved, you will probably still have that memory for the rest of your life. That experience, and the consequences that it had, will be something you have with you for a long, long time, and the reality is that sometimes there's nothing you can do about it.

And so the question of HKU becomes...well what exactly do you do with it? Is it a strength, or a weakness, or do you pretend it doesn't exist?

Asivus is the protagonist of the story because it is from his perspective that we explore the most viewpoints and angles of the stories theme, not just through Siv himself, but from his perspective of those around him, and his relationships with them. Again, per the "no character wasted," because quite literally everyone has an opinion on the subject.

For now, let's just focus on Siv, Larc, and Astor.

Hartell Bros and using pictures to appeal to the neurodivergent asshat (AKA myself): The Journey to find your need

This is pretty much where these characters stand at the start of HKU.

Through the beginning arc, Siv becomes less apathetic and actually starts to care, about others, and himself. And eventually, he even follows the hope (ambition) to help Zelda save Hyrule. Now, at this point, Siv doesn't respect Astor, and he envies Larc, so he moves further away from their respective "places" and values. He allows himself to be vulnerable.

Meanwhile, circumstances threaten the most important thing in Larc's life, his family. These circimstances force Larc to go against his usually autonomous lifestyle, and actually act out of personal ambition, and try to take the helm on his life.

Finally, Astor has been in his spot for awhile, ever since he became set on helping to revive the Calamity. And over the first few arcs, nothing happens to him that forces him to change. He stays in his place, because his brother's relationships to him basically make him a moral compass of what they DON'T want to be. (Almost like...getting bad advice, and not taking it.) Astor at the moment is a stationary catalyst who tries to convince Siv to share his viewpoint. And this doesn't happen yet.

So its because of their interactions and relationships that their characters move to here:

HBut the thing about letting yourself be more autonomous, or vulnerable to other people, is that while it does have great benefits, you still might get hurt by other people, so you need to learn how to handle these situations properly.

Asivus does not handle this properly.

When Zavis betrays him, and makes him look like a fool, Siv books it out of the vulnerability department as fast as he can. When Link seemingly shows Siv that the future is broken, and that the world is unfair and out to get him, Siv detaches himself completely from being content (apathetic) and when Siv see he can't rely on anyone to save him, even Zelda, then he moves further into control.

So yeah, Siv's character quite literally wouldn't exist without his relationship to others, and they, him.

Meanwhile, Larc is forces even further into the control and ambition department by being turned into the literal emodiment of ambition and power: a Hollow. Thanks Astor! So for a brief amount of time, he lives at the extreme ends of purple and red, and once he recovers, he desperately wants to move back towards the blue and yellow areas because it wasn't exactly the best of experiences for him.

So now Larc is no longer autonomous to the world around him, and after he is truly revealed as a traitor thanks to being kidnapped and almost dying and the world finding out about everything the gang's been up to, Larc really cannot return to his "following orders" lifestyle. He's on the edge of being where he needs to be, but he still is of the mindset that he doesn't deserve to be happy. So while he allows himself to be in control of his choices, and to follow and protect his family, he rejects hope for himself, and dips into just not caring about himself.

Finally, Astor. His change starts small, but the fact they he shifted at all when he's spent so much of the story as immovable is significant. In a combination of not liking Siv's extremes, and actually expressing hesitation the more he interacts with Zelda, Astor moves out of the yellow and just barely dips into the side of ambition, and the desire to actually change a seemingly unchangeable situation. But it's just barely, and he still sides with Ganon.

So thus, after all those interactions, the Hartell Bros stand around here:

And where will they go from here? Who knows! I'll give you a hint thought...things are really looking Up for Siv (wink wink).

The beauty is that you don't even know if anyone will ever truly live in that perfect harmony that the middle offers, because let me assure you, the people that DO live in that perfect middle, are currently dead. The movement toward that center is a positive character arc, but will everyone achieve a positive character arc? People can enter there sure, but the hard part is staying, of keeping those ideals. And Hylia...don't even get me start on how Link, Zelda, Zavis, and everyone else fits into this, I'd be at here for another six hours.

And also, I think my little graph is a good example of my other themes on mortality and how it's not black and white. There's no extreme good end, and extreme bad end; being a good person is a harmony of the different difficulties every day has to offer.

And then ALL OF THIS, I hide under the guise of mystery, and plot, and humour, and shitposts; evil soup, hot sword people, disaster gays, giant robots, cucking, ninjas, knights, musicians and seers...Just a constantly battle between not being too preachy and not going too off the rails, I myself am constantly trying to find that center harmony as I write HKU.

But make no mistake, this is probably the most fun thing I've written...ever. It kicks my ass sometimes, but it's so....I don't even know how to describe it, it's just great. There just so many things that I have to think about to deal with the story and the characters and it's work but I'm really passionate about it so it's FUN and I love it and I will ramble about it again one day because, fuck man...

Writing is badass.

[bigskydreaming]

Thinking today about how often people point to criticism of fic or specific fics even for problematic content as being rude or unwelcome because of the effort the author put into making that work and because that merits respect.

Okay.

Sure.

Let’s go with the idea that effort merits respect and this should be weighed when examining criticism of content for its depiction and how those depictions make people feel about their own lives and intersections with the stuff being spotlighted in a story.

But problem is you know what else requires a lot of effort?

Living lives that are impacted by racism, transphobia, rape, pedophilia, abuse, etc.

So while people are busy holding up the singular efforts of fic writers in creating a work of fiction as sacrosanct and insisting their feelings and comfort should be centered and prioritized in all examinations of that work and the things they said.....

They’re simultaneously not giving a shit about the efforts of people living real lives impacted by all this stuff in actuality, which directly relates to.....how a fic’s depiction of these things made them feel and their comfort.

And why is that not centered? Why does that effort it takes to LIVE in spaces where these kinds of issues are not set pieces for a drama meant solely to entertain, why is that not being held up as being as important in terms of comfort and respect as the comfort and respect of the writer who made the choice to not only depict these things in this way, but to center this type of content at all, especially if done so in the name of entertainment specifically. 

Like no group is a monolith, there will always be intracommunity issues in terms of some people impacted by a work disagreeing with how the writer chose to approach things even when they’re all working off of their own respective lived experiences and have just as much right to their own take on things, like, no take is one size fits all and what’s right for one perspective can be wrong for another even while both perspectives have validity......but its disingenuous to pretend like this is even USUALLY the case in a lot of these discourses. 

The bigger issue has always been the lack of respect from people who want to play with certain depictions of reality as though they can be divorced from reality and just live on the TV sets in peoples’ brains while reading and writing fic with no other consequences whatsoever, towards people who can not ever be truly divorced from the consequences of the reality of these things as they play into their own lives, regardless of how they’re depicted in fic. With the additional issue of those fictional depictions often being extremely formative and influential in how people whose lives aren’t already directly impacted by various issues perceive and interact with these issues.

Less talk about the imaginary specter of censorship in this specific venue and what this has always actually been about.....the equally-frightening-to-some-people specter of creative responsibility. Where creative choices people make are weighed by a creator not just for their potential ENTERTAINMENT value for audiences, but equally for their potential harmful impact on audiences. As words, fiction, storytelling, MESSAGES....are nothing more than tools that can be utilized to more than one purpose, and as such can harm or help in equal measure. Like not to be a blunt instrument, but you can feed your family with a hoe and a yard, but you can also bash someone’s skull in with that hoe and bury them in that yard. *Shrugs* Just saying.

Like what if you viewed people criticizing your work not as an attack on you and your efforts, but simply an expression of “I dont like how your words made me feel.” What if it wasn’t about your ‘rights’ as an author to do whatever the hell you want, and more your impact as a person, and what actually is it you’re trying to do?

If someone says your story hurt, and not in a good, catharctic way but in an invalidating or exploited way, and your concern is less about your not-actually-in-question rights or ability to impact others however you want to, and more about what that impact actually IS....what happens then if you look at that criticism as a person sharing their vulnerability with you and saying “this is why what you said hurts”....and if your reason for writing is truly to ENTERTAIN, and they’re no less a person deserving of entertainment as any other reader, why not take advantage of that voluntary admittance or expression of vulnerability and harm to learn how NOT to do that with your next story.....and voila, by doing something differently next time due to having just listened to what didn’t work for someone, you’ve.....actively enhanced the entertainment you create for people overall?

And like I said, no group is a monolith, people don’t actually all need the same things or respond in the same ways to the same things, and you’re never going to be able to please everyone but the real question is are you even TRYING or are you happy to just rest on the comfort of like-minded individuals and circle the wagons at even the hint of someone challenging you to broaden your mind, your circle, open it up to more people, more feedback, more viewpoints, more PERSPECTIVE?

What if instead of people saying “this hurts” in response to something you write, you don’t take that as an attack, as someone saying you’re a terrible person for hurting me and you will never be anything but that so draw weapons and let’s engage in combat, its the only choice.....

What if instead you view it as a challenge, as someone saying “okay but is there a way you can tell your story and entertain not just the people you were already entertaining, but MORE people, by finding different story routes in the future that still include all the entertainment value you sought out initially but avoiding pitfalls of potential harm now that your eyes have been focused on where more of those pitfalls might be lurking, that you didn’t notice on your previous go-round”?

Like, one approach tells you to hunker down in your bunker, draw on already existing fortifications to bolster yourself, and not move from where you already are and now feel under siege. Just less, same, still.

The other approach encourages you to level up, step up your game, engage with people more, make your stories more accessible and more enjoyable to more people in general. Just more, more, more.

But I mean, hey, you pick.

[jeremys-blogs]

Aravos: A Better Sauron?

If a show is going to be given praise like "the next Avatar", then it's safe to say that it's got some lofty expectations to live up to. Thankfully, Netflix's Dragon Prince has thus far managed to impress with it's three seasons. Is it indeed as good as the epic Nickelodeon show? It's hard to say, but I am certainly enjoying what I've seen of it, and with rumours of further seasons coming I'm definitely looking forward to more of its world and, more importantly, its characters. And characters are exactly what I want to discuss here today. Or, to be more specific, one character in particular. Aravos, an Elf who, despite only making his appearance from the second season onwards, has slowly worked his way to becoming pretty much the main antagonist of the entire show. While not being much in terms of a physical presence, he has nevertheless made a massive impact on the events of the story, having served as a man-behind-the-man to the show's initial villain, Viren. And given how the show's third season ended, it's pretty clear that the creators of this wonderful story have a lot planned for this guy, so only time will tell exactly what we'll be seeing from him in future.

But as I was re-watching some episodes of the show, something occurred to me. Aravos, and the way he acts and makes his plans happen, are a perfect representation of how I always imagined the character of Sauron from Lord of the Rings to be. Now, a little context. In the years leading up to the famed LOTR trilogy by Peter Jackson, there was a wave of revived Tolkien appreciation here in the UK, and I, who was just about twelve at the time, was encouraged to seek out and read the original book trilogy. So I found them, read them in a couple of weeks, and absolutely feel in love with Tolkien's works, followed by me reading and loving any other Tolkien books I could find. When the films came out, I was as hyped as you could imagine, eager to see all of these characters I had come to adore so much. And like so many others, I felt that Jackson didn't disappoint. The films, to this day, remain some of my all-time favourites, and a rightly-regarded high point in the history of cinema. However, despite that praise, there was one point about the film that, to this day, I've never been entirely satisfied, and that was the portrayal of the story's main antagonist, the Dark Lord Sauron.

Now, don't take this to mean that I think that Jackson gave us a bad interpretation of this baddie, because that's far from the truth. After all, these films do a great job of selling us on the idea that terrible things will happen if this guy wins the day, and that look of his, both his awesome armour and the now-iconic fiery eye are now etched into pop culture forever for good reason. In terms of making a terrifying far-away evil overlord, Jackson and his team did a fantastic job. However, as someone who was virtually marinated in Tolkien stories by the time the movies came out, I couldn't help but be disappointed at seeing that they'd rather under-selled what was, to me, the most interesting aspects of his character. Namely, that this wasn't just someone who wielded great power and was an intimidating presence, but that he was also someone who possessed great cunning, intelligence and a terrifying ability to coerce people into doing bad things. He wasn't just a conqueror, he was a schemer, a tempter, a being who understood people and what they desired, offering them exactly what they wanted or what they wanted to hear in order to ultimately benefit himself above all. And while Jackson's interpretation was good, those aforementioned qualities never really stood out in the films.

Now, I realise that comparing a relative newcomer to fiction like Aravos to a famous literary villain like Sauron is no easy thing, and it's made all the harder when you consider that there's actually very little we know about the former so far. But what we have learned about him is quite telling. First and foremost, he is imprisoned for the entirety of Dragon Prince thus far, and is only able to interact with others either through a magic mirror or through ghostly images of himself. Where his prison is, we don't know, only that he was put there hundreds of years ago by Avizandum, the late King of the dragons. As for his crimes, again that's unknown, but the show has hinted that he might have some connection to humanity's first acquisition and practice of dark magic. And if that's true then it's especially damning as it was an act which ultimately led the Elves to see humans as dangerous, and was the inciting incident that caused the two races to be at odds with one another. He's also known to have little love for his own kind, as he not only helps humans to war against them, but in the few instances we've seen Elves become aware of him, they have been utterly terrified of him.

At this point, anyone who has ever gone deep into Tolkien's writings will likely know exactly where I'm going with this, as this admittedly-incomplete picture of Aravos is starting to sound remarkably similar to the official backstory of Sauron. He too was a being of great power whose actions led to him falling out of favour with a higher power, and he too has been reduced to a situation where he can no longer interact with others, having to rely on agents and underlings to see his will enacted. They both have a historic conflict with Elves and, both in the past and the present, have a career in manipulating humankind to go down dark and self-destructive paths. Granted, the details will certainly differ, but in the broad strokes their backstories are close to identical. Now, this is all with the understanding that Dragon Prince hasn't actually finished yet. There are still many questions surrounding Aravos and his motivations, so it's entirely possible that, when more light gets shed on him, all of this will be completely wrong on my part. But as things stand right now, with us knowing what we do, there can be no denying that both he and Sauron have a lot in common.

However, while they may have similarities, they are incredibly different in their execution, as my earlier words probably gave away. Sauron, and not just in Jackson's adaptations but in virtually all on-screen versions of him, has had a lot of his more manipulative tendencies tones down. Now, in all fairness, those traits were never at the forefront of his character at the time of the LOTR books, but even so, a massive reason why he has as many followers as he does is because of his role as a deceiver. We can of course assume here that he's lying and tricking people off-screen, but as in all things it's always better to show and not tell. We're told that he's out there doing bad things, but that will never be as effective as witnessing him doing it with our own eyes. However, by contrast, Aravos is very much doing his thing while we're seeing him. Every piece of advice or subtle nudge in this or that direction is something we're witnessing first-hand, and since these manipulations are something that has, as of the latest episodes, managed to effectively grant him an entire army to wreak havoc with, I'd say he's as good at his job as Sauron supposedly was. So, if nothing else, we at least now Aravos has successfully managed to be a more prominent presence in his respective fantasy story.

Once again, I must clarify that I do not feel that Jackson and the other people behind the LOTR films did a bad job of recreating what Sauron was said to be in the books. They set out to create an iconic and intimidating fantasy overlord and by God they made one. Their films have stood the test of time and are rightly remembered by millions across the world. But if I'm going to be bare-my-soul honest about this, when I look back, I was genuinely expecting this world-ending foe to be more of a presence, more of a direct hand in the events than he ultimately was. He's still a good villain, even a great one, but to this day I still hope to one day see a version of Sauron that's what I thought I'd get after I read the books all those years ago. And Aravos, to be perfectly blunt, is pretty much exactly what I was hoping for in terms of that type of enemy for our heroes to face. Dragon Prince, much like Avatar before it, has done wonderfully in creating a remarkable cast of characters, good and bad alike, and Aravos is certainly top tier when it comes to the latter category. Where they ultimately go with him and the story as a whole is anyone's guess, but for this moment I am thoroughly looking forward to seeing more of this mysterious shoulder-devil of an Elf.

[gentlethorns]

1-31

JKJFLKJGDKLS did you mean. 1 through 31?? like. all of them?? LMFAOOOOOO okay but i’m sticking them under a readmore bc that is gonna be SO long

1. what is a genre you love reading but will probably never write? mysteries/crime. i love the technique and expertise it takes to expertly lay out and set up a plot twist, but i don’t think i could ever do it aptly myself.

2. which writer has had the greatest stylistic influence on your writing? probably stephen king, if we’re talking fiction, but even then i don’t think he’s influenced me a ton - my writing voice is pretty distinctive (or so i’ve been told). as far as poetry, i think reading @candiedspit‘s work has really caused me to stretch my expectations of where words can go and what they can do.

3. has a specific song/lyric ever inspired a work of art for you? absolutely! i’m super inspired by music, bc music is really important to me as a means of emotional expression. back in sophomore year of high school i was working on a story where all the chapters were inspired by songs from folie a deux by fall out boy. it didn’t pan out and i never finished it, but i still think the concept was neat.

4. a writer whose personal lifestyle really speaks to you? lmfao not to talk about him again, but stephen king’s lifestyle really appeals to me. his writing is widely known and renowned, but he just chills at home and watches the red sox games and takes pictures of his corgi and keeps turning out stories. that literally sounds like paradise to me.

5. do you write both prose and poetry? which do you prefer? i do write both! and i can’t say i honestly prefer one over the other - my interest bounces between them and waxes and wanes, but i don’t consistently indulge one more than the other, i don’t think. last year i went through a huge fiction phase in october and cranked out eight or nine different short stories/flash pieces, and then in november/december i went through a poetry phase and wrote multiple poems a day for a long stretch of time. it just depends on my mood and my mindset and what i need from writing (a kind of escape vs. emotional expression/release).

6. do you read both prose and poetry? which do you prefer? i do read both, and again, i don’t think i have a preference. i definitely read fiction more, i think, but like writing, it kind of depends what i need at the time.

7. which language do you write in? which do you want to write in someday? i write in english, since it’s the only language i know. i’d like to learn spanish at some point, but i don’t know if i could ever write in spanish - i’m so firmly married to english grammar and structure that i don’t know if i could ever exercise the same control and mastery over spanish that i could english.

8. share a quote or verse that has been on your mind lately. “you said i killed you - haunt me, then!” from wuthering heights.

9. a writer/poet whose life you find interesting. *sigh*. stephen king. i’ve read his memoir/writing workshop book (”on writing”) and his success story always fascinates me. i just can’t imagine living in a shitty one-bedroom apartment with your wife and two kids and working days at an industrial laundromat and spending nights writing on a shitty wobbly desk in the laundry room, and you get your first manuscript accepted for publication, and eventually the paperback rights go up and you think you might get $60,000 if you’re really lucky, and then one day while your wife and kids are visiting the in-laws you get a call from your agent telling you that the paperback rights for your book sold for $400,000 and 200K of it is yours. that’s just literally. unfathomable to me lmfao.

10. what do you feel about the idea of someone unearthing your unseen or discarded drafts someday, long after your death? what about your personal journal? it’s really hard for me to imagine that happening, i think bc i tend to see myself as really like. insignificant or unimportant in the grand scheme of things, so i can’t imagine any part of me lasting beyond my life. also, it’s very hard for me to imagine someone i don’t know personally reading my work, probably because my work (especially a personal journal) is a window into me, and i have a hard time even letting people i trust see into that window sometimes, much less a stranger.

11. do you prefer to write in silence or listen to something? what do you listen to? i definitely prefer music in the background, although i can work in silence. i tend to gravitate to music that goes with the scene i’m writing, if i’m writing fiction (often i work music into my fiction, so if there’s a song playing in the scene, i’ll listen to that song), and if i’m writing poetry i tend to just listen to laid-back music (unless i’m writing from a place of grief or sadness, in which case i listen to sad music lmfao). i do also love writing when it’s storming outside and just listening to the rain and the thunder as i write.

12. has an image ever impacted your artistic lens/inspired your work? absolutely! less often than music, but visuals can inspire me on occasion. i once wrote a poem based on this image. i just couldn’t get it out of my head, so i decided to figure out what it was saying to me.

13. how would you describe the experience of writing itself? as in putting the words to paper, not planning or moodboards etc. do you agree with the common idea that the satisfaction lies in reading your work after you are done with it, rather than the process of writing itself? i think the process can be arduous sometimes, and other times it can be incredible. sometimes i write very slowly and haltingly, sometimes i write at a normal pace and it feels like the work it is (bc i am trying to write professionally), but sometimes the magic tap in the mind turns on and it starts flowing. that being said, i don’t necessarily agree that the satisfaction lies only in reading your work rather than also in the process. there’s a certain fulfillment in watching everything come together and knowing it’s going to be good.

14. how often do you write? it varies. i would like to write more often than i do, now that i have a full-time school schedule and work part time friday-sunday, but i think i still get a decent amount of writing done, when i can actually sit down and motivate myself to get the words out.

15. how disciplined are you about your writing? not very, in the creative sense - as discussed above, i don’t write as often as i should/would like to, and don’t hold myself to much of a schedule. however, as far as the business side of it (submitting to magazines/contests), i’m pretty disciplined, and i’m usually pretty good about keeping all my “good” pieces in circulation at a couple of places at a time.

16. what was your last long-lasting spurt of motivation? maybe last night? i worked on a couple of pieces and then submitted a few groups of poems to some magazines. i also did some decent work on thursday while i was in my campus starbucks waiting for my zoom class to start.

17. have you ever been professionally published? are you trying to be? i have been professionally published! i got my first acceptance back in 2018, and now i’ve had poetry published multiple times and fiction published twice. i’m still trying to publish more of my work, but i think i’ve had a decent start.

18. do you read literary magazines? not regularly, although i entered a fiction contest for into the void last year, and since it came with a year-long subscription, i’ve been browsing the fiction there periodically. into the void tends to publish good short/flash fiction, so anytime i feel like reading some new stories, i head there.

19. a lesser known writer you adore? idk if she’s necessarily “lesser-known,” but i loved ally carter’s gallagher girl series when i was younger. the first four books were immaculate (although i do remember that the last two books seemed almost unnecessary, and the ultimate end of the series was anticlimactic).

20. do you write short stories? do you read them? i write and read them! up until october of last year i could never figure out how to write a short story and effectively resolve a conflict in 5000 words or less, but then suddenly (like. literally overnight), a switch flipped in my head and i could do it. as far as reading them, i don’t read a ton anymore bc of my busy schedule ( :( ), so sometimes if i’m in the mood to read i’ll opt for a short story online or a book of short stories instead of a full-length novel.

21. do you prefer to involve yourself with literary history and movements or are you more focused on the writing itself? any favourite literary movements? i’m typically more focused on the writing itself, although i do love to learn about the horror boom from the 50s-80s (if that counts as a literary movement lmfao). i also do particularly love work from the era of deconstructionism, which i think took place in like. the 40s-60s, if i’m not mistaken. i enjoy that era bc of its symbolism and abstract nature - a lot of the work leaves the reader to draw their own conclusions.

22. are you working on anything right now? not particularly? i have a few works in progress that i tinker with now and then, but i’m not seriously working on anything in particular.

23. how did you get started with writing? i honestly don’t even remember. i remember the first time i realized that i really liked writing and had fun doing it (in fourth grade, for a school competition), but i know that even before then i was writing stories and poems.

24. do you have any “writer friends”? most of my mutuals are writer friends! but i don’t have any irl. i almost made one in my math class last semester, but we lost contact when our university shut down in march.

25. what is your earliest work you can remember? the earliest work i can remember is when i was really young (maybe like. five or six?). it was about our dog being pregnant (which she was at the time) and able to talk (which she was not).

26. have you found your writer’s voice yet? does your work have a distinct tone? absolutely. i’m very confident in my style and the distinctiveness of my voice - it’s been there pretty much since i first started writing. i’ve improved since then, honed my voice and made it more sophisticated and effective, but at the core, it’s still me, like it always has been.

27. do your works share themes/are commonly about certain topics? or are your subjects all over the place? in poetry, i think i tend to write about grief or loss of some sort or another often, bc it’s something i tend to feel often - either that or a false bravado (but ig that’s more of a tonal device). as far as fiction, i like to write about religion gone wrong (false religion, religion as a front for personal gain and corruption, religion gone too deep into obsession and mania, etc.), and i like smart underdog-type characters that fight and have a lot of grit to them.

28. what does writing mean to you? to me, writing is catharsis, a bloodletting. this particularly applies to poetry, but it also applies to fiction. poetry shows you the things you’re regurgitating up-front, but fiction does it slyly, in a mirror or through a distorting lens. regardless, both stand to offer release and healing.

29. in an alternate universe, imagine you had not found writing. what do you think would be your fixation otherwise? honestly, i’m not sure. probably acting or theater. something creative, for sure.

30. do you feel defined by your work? maybe a little, but not to a large or limiting extent. like, in a new class, my interesting fact about myself will probably always be “i’m a writer and i’ve been published a few times,” but i think that i’m a well-rounded person and that once people get to know me, my writing is just a part of me, not my whole identity.

31. have you ever written/considered writing under a pen name? if you would be okay saying, why? no, i don’t think i have. while a pen name can be a good tool, depending on your goals and what you’re writing, i have a Thing about getting credit where i’m due credit lmfao. i don’t think i’ll ever use a pen name bc if i know something i do is good, i want my name on it.

[sebaekberry]

tag game 🌿

Rules are: answer the questions given by the tagger. write 11 questions of your own. tag 11 people.

thanks @cottonhyun for tagging me. I loved your questions, so creative!! might steal some of them for my questions too. I didn’t tag 11 people but if you want to do this, go nuts. tag me in it, too and I’ll happily read it. and if you don’t want to do it, no worries. 

your questions:

1. Least favourite fruit

huh I don't think anyone has ever asked me this?? it took some thought ngl. I like almost all fruits, I'm not at all picky. ok maybe except for green grapes. they leave a chalky after-taste. 

2. How would you achieve your own ultimate goal in life?

maybe this sounds sappy, but my ultimate goal in life is just to be happy. I've been spending a lot of time lately just figuring out what I want my life to be and how to achieve it and I keep coming up blank. but I've realised that I kept planning for ten and twenty years into the future instead of living in the present and focusing on what makes me happy right now where I'm at. and I think it's important to keep in mind that the future will happen whether you want it to or not so try to make the most of it in the moment. uh rant over, my bad

3. Describe the perfect day

oof it's missing the homies hours rn, big time. I want to be outside, having chill picnics with friends, playing games, and going swimming. or even just the little things, like going to my favourite reading spots, biking through the city, going to the movies, to the shops, to the museums !! if I could do any of those things freely, I'd be super happy.

4. Still or carbonated water?

oh still water for sure. carbonated water is like static in your mouth, don’t come at me 

5. Best childhood memory?

is it weird that I don't actually have one? like it's not that I had a bad childhood, not at all. I just...feel so disconnected from my childhood. I know there were things I enjoyed like swimming, picking wild strawberries, greek mythology, painting and climbing, etc but there is no one specific memory that I can think of.

6. If someone is visiting your country for the first time, what kind of activities / sightseeing would you recommend them? 

restaurants!! I live in stockholm and we have such a wide selection of food places, literally every type of cuisine you could imagine. a stroll through Gamla Stan is nice any time of year, maybe stop for some ice-cream, waffles or afternoon tea, a quick look inside the sci-fi bookstore there is always nice. there are waterways everywhere so I really recommend a walk somewhere along the water. stockholm is pretty small compared to other cities, so maybe bike around as many places as you can? part of our public transport is also by boat. museums and outside exhibits! bergianska trädgården. so many amazing cafés to get cozy in. late evenings on rooftop bars. the only con here is that everything closes pretty early. so if you’re touristing, keep check of the opening hours 

7. What’s your favourite song from the year you were born?

ok imma be honest and say I had to look up what songs were released in 1997 and bro..all the legendary songs: barbie girl, bitter sweet symphony, I’ll be missing you, candle in the wind, TORN. I mean the nineties isn’t even my favourite decade of music but damn...the bops. men in black came out in 1997, ain’t that iconic? and the spice girls wow “slam it to the left, if you’re havin’ a good time, shake it to the right, if ya know that you feel fine” indEED. don’t think I even can pick a favourite but everybody by backstreet boys is real contender, huh? 

8. Are you happy right now?

hoo boy, ain't that a loaded question...uhh not really? I mean there's a lot to be said about the issues currently surrounding us that are fucking miserable to think about as well as the future impacts but we're not gonna unpack all of that now...ahem. but as for myself, it's not that I'm unhappy with where I am, it just feels like I'm at a standstill. like am I on the right path, is it leading me where I want to go, should I pick another one? actually, this could get real ranty so imma just stop right here lol.

9. Who is your role model?

I don't really have one role model above others, but more of a list of people who I admire (family, friends, musicians, writers, artists and craftsmen), whose qualities all combined inspire me to better myself.

10. Ice cream or ice lollies?

I...would die for ice-cream. sweden and our ice-cream selection, a solid 9/10. it would be 10/10 but there are so few brands that sell mint chocolate. yes I am bitter about it

11. An item you value the most?

about two years ago, I made my own journal out of some fabric, sewed in all the pages and everything myself, and I think that’s probably the most valuable thing I own. I've only filled 15 or so pages in it but I plan on using it for a long time and maybe passing it on to someone else some day.

okayyyy this got way longer than I intended it to, uh sorry lol. if you read all of that, I am half grateful and half apologetic. dunno who I should tag tbh, I haven’t done tag games on here for ages, and usually not on this blog, but I’ll steal some people from my activity feed and tag: @younglingyoda, @bunny-jungkook, @zhangzjs, @fluffyhunnie, @chaichanyeol, @vroomvroombaek 💞💞

my questions: 

1. if you could be in any other place, where would you go? 

2. drop your skincare routine

3. describe your aesthetic, use images if you want!  

4. what’s your favourite song from the year you were born? 

5. sour or sweet candy? 

6. tell me your favourite story, myth or fairytale

7. what is your favourite sound? 

8. a quote, lyric, or piece of advice that sits with you? 

9. pick two scoops of ice-cream: chocolate brownie, salted caramel, vanilla, mango swirl, strawberry cheesecake, mint chocolate, salty licorice, pistacchio

10. what motivates you, what keeps you going? 

11. if you could live in any fictional universe, which would it be?

[woolishlygrim]

Winter Weebwatch #5

After last week’s surprisingly bad bunch of episodes, this week’s episodes are surprisingly good! There was also no Darwin’s Game this week, probably because it got pre-empted by a sporting event, but to be honest, I don’t think anybody was especially crying out for another three paragraphs of me struggling to remember what happened in it.

Also, there is a huge trigger warning for discussions of suicide, both in fiction and in real life on this post, specifically in the ID: Invaded review.

In/Spectre

★★★★☆

So, this episode was cruising along for an easy three stars for most of its runtime. Continuing on the Steel Girder Nanase storyline, the episode sees Kotoko and Saki simultaneously deciding to hate each other and deciding that they need to work together to decipher the truth behind Steel Girder Nanase, who they believe to be the ghost of an idol, Haruka Nanase, who was accused of murder and subsequently was found crushed by a steel girder, her face unrecognisable and even her teeth unidentifiable, the body only identified by virtue of carrying Nanase’s identification.

… Just so we’re all absolutely on the same page here, next episode is definitely going to reveal that Nanase murdered someone else to fake her own death, and that Steel Girder Nanase is actually some poor woman who was her victim, right? Right.

But anyway, this episode settles into a nice, consistent tone, sets up a fun and legitimately intriguing supernatural mystery, and seems all set to make its way to a satisfactory conclusion in one or two episodes, probably.

What elevates it to four stars, though? The fairly throwaway joke in which a fully animated opening sequence for a completely fictional magical girl show, complete with an original and fully vocalised song, plays, and ruthlessly satirises the far-right, taking shots at capitalism, militarism, and the police and justice system.

It’s a joke that doesn’t fit the tone of the rest of the series at all, but it’s so unapologetically vicious while also making me laugh out loud that I had to add an extra star for it. I just had to.

ID: Invaded.

★★★★★

Honestly, I wavered on whether this should be a four star or a five star. If I could do half stars, it’d be four and a half, but I think it edges out five.

This episode switches gears a little. With the Gravedigger killed, and the woman who was manipulating him into his murders arrested, Sakaido dives into the woman’s mental world, hoping to figure out exactly what caused her to turn to murder, and why murder in such a specific, gruesome, and sadistic way.

And he fails completely.

The story tempts us with just enough information that we can start forming the half-baked foundations of a hypothesis, but not enough that we can actually form any kind of cohesive theory. We see in the woman’s mental world that she is stuck as a child, endlessly riding a train that’s going in circles, each loop having it cross the train crossing where her mother committed suicide. We see that her victims are gathered at said crossing, waiting patiently to cross. And we see that her accomplice, the man she had killing for her, is present on the train as well, as a young boy very far removed from the blank, not-all-there man we’ve seen up to that point. We see Kaeru, usually representing the murder victims, in this mental world is presented as a suicide victim, having removed her shoes and asked the woman to wipe off her wounds before expiring in a seat at the end of the train.

But we never get enough to build any kind of meaning out of it. The show deliberately withholds closure from us, mirroring the woman’s lack of closure over her mother’s suicide (why did she decide to do it, and why do it by throwing herself in front of a train she knew her daughter was riding?), telling us that we will only ever have a handful of puzzle pieces and no way to piece them together.

I admit, that affected me pretty deeply. As someone who obsesses over puzzles and especially over the whys and wherefores of why people do things, whose lowered empathy response means that figuring people out is often a maddening struggle, the show presenting a puzzle that can’t be solved is infuriating. But more than that, as someone who has had a friend commit suicide, leaving no note and providing almost no indication beforehand that he was going to, I’m familiar with the bewilderment that can follow something like that, the attempts to piece together a cause-and-effect that makes sense.

This episode kind of got to me. I’m not sure I liked that it did.

‘Not having enough information’ is the running theme of this episode, anyhow, as the rest of the investigation team takes some time to discuss the recurring appearance of John Walker, a mysterious man in a red frockcoat who has appeared in five separate killers’ mental worlds (and who appears also in the woman’s, as a reflection in the train window). As they talk, they realise all they know is a baffling mess of contradictions about him: Nobody has ever seen him in real life, and yet the fact that five different people dreamed him up wearing the same bright red coat means he must be going around wearing what is basically American War of Independence cosplay; there seems to be no single link between the killers who have him in their mental worlds, and yet there are strange coincidental links; none of the killers remember who he is, but all of them have extremely strong recollections of him.

The end of the episode pulls another gutpunch on us, as Hondomachi, having killed the Gravedigger in seeming self defence earlier in the episode, finally gets her wish to be trained to dive into people’s mental worlds -- only for Hayaseura, her boss and the man who recommended her, to tell her that it’s not enough to have just killed, you have to be a serial killer, something he knows that she is. While we obviously saw her murder someone (by provoking them into attacking her and then framing it as self-defense) earlier in this episode, Hayaseura also points out something that I’d dismissed at the time and completely forgotten about: That in the very first episode, before Hondomachi was kidnapped by the Perforator, she was alone with one of his victims in the basement, and when we next saw him he was dead, even though the Perforator couldn’t have killed him.

That’s … actually some really solid writing. I hadn’t even realised on my first watch that the guy couldn’t have been killed by the Perforator.

Pet.

★★★★☆

I feel like I haven’t given this series enough credit for how surprisingly vicious it is. The first episode sets us up to think that Tsukasa and Hiroki’s friendship is pretty cute, and the second episode clues us in to the fact that they’re (quasi-?)romantically involved and sets up a clearly unhealthy but quite sweet all the same romance where you think that, hey, they’re screwed up people but they clearly love each other. It isn’t until the third episode that the rug gets pulled out from under you, with the reveal that Tsukasa is actually quite abusive, and this episode pulls the rug straight out from under us again.

It follows two plot threads. The first one is a milder one, with Satoru meeting the niece of the mysterious Company’s CEO, who exposits at him a little about how the Company was founded and some of the strifes that have led it to its current state of disarray -- namely that the qigong masters who created the psychic techniques the Company uses (just … roll with it) all simultaneously betrayed the CEO and were killed for it, leaving the Company with only one person who can pass on those teachings: Hayashi.

The second plot thread sees Tsukasa and Hayashi playing mind games with each other, with Tsukasa first trying to persuade Hayashi to return to the Company, before Hayashi tries to psychically rewrite Tsukasa’s memories, only for Tsukasa to rebuff him and for the two to end up in a psychic battle where they both try to repel the other one’s attempts to alter their memories.

It’s in this second plot thread that we learn all about Tsukasa’s many issues: Like Satoru, he is most definitely in love with Hayashi, and like Satoru, those feelings clearly aren’t reciprocated. Unlike Satoru, however, Hayashi doesn’t even seem to have filial feelings for Tsukasa, and we learn that when he started teaching Satoru, the Company told him that he couldn’t act as mentor for two people and had to choose one. He picked Satoru with what seems like startling ease, effectively abandoning Tsukasa.

There are allusions, as well, to the idea that Hayashi kept using Tsukasa even after that abandonment, entreating him to infiltrate the Company on his behalf and keep Satoru safe. Tsukasa’s … not happy about this at all, and also, as becomes swiftly apparent throughout the episode, more than a little unhinged.

As the episode ends, Tsukasa and Hayashi are ramping up their psychic battle, with Tsukasa informing Hayashi that he’s learned some tricks off Hiroki, so we’ll see where that one goes.

Infinite Dendrogram.

★★☆☆☆

More and more, it feels like this show is falling into a rut, and that’s honestly a huge shame.

There’s just no forward momentum to it. Things happen, but there’s no sense of motion, no sense of things winding towards a conclusion, either on an arc level or a series level, and yet at the same time it’s not fast and snappy enough to be a truly episodic series like, say, Kekkai Sensen.

So, this week’s episode sees Ray, now cursed with dog ears (for reasons which are not plot relevant, but I mean, it’s fine), teaming up with a new character, Hugo, a Dryfe Master whose job is essentially that he’s a giant mecha pilot, as the two attempt to tackle a base of bandits who have been kidnapping children.

The show tries very hard to set the bandits up as absolute monsters, and to sell us on Ray’s rage, but it kind of lacks the elements necessary to make an impact. The huge emotional moment where Ray sees that some of the children have been turned into undead is weakened by the fact that the cinematography is bog-standard, the animation direction for the scene is uninteresting, and the music is unremarkable. Even Ray’s reaction is strangely muted, with some anger but no real horror or anything like that, and not even a quiet fury so much as just moderate amounts of rage.

There are hints of a broader plot involving Dryfe, though (which we know from an earlier episode is prepping to invade), with Hugo making remarks that he can’t use his Embryo yet, because keeping it secret is part of some plan.

He does, eventually, use it anyway, and relatively without fanfare at that.

[sunnymoon-sunshine]

After having finally broken and read a Warriors book for the first time in years, I have been met with overwhelming joy at the familiarity behind the words and stories that make up the clans. Additionally, it sparked the inner need to analyze any piece of fiction I get my mittens on.

Mapleshade’s Vengeance is a fascinating short story in that I’m not entirely sure what they wanted to do with it in the end. The best summary I can think to come up with is that “Everyone is an awful cat, except Nettlepaw”. At times their motivations, once you dig through it, makes sense - and other times, it has absolutely no basis in common sense. It feels partially as if it is the perfect storm of bad circumstances, and partially cats acting in a way that the author is writing to push the story.

ThunderClan is filled with cats that are motivated by personal reasons, rather than that of any sound logic. This, however, I can forgive. It brings depth and points out the flaws of the clans. Oakstar, for instance, is emotionally motivated - he has lost his son to a clan they’ve long held a rivalry against, during a bitter and bloody conflict. His motivations in the story line up - he’s bitter against RiverClan, mourns his son, and has had his hopes raised and then ultimately dropped when the truth comes out - Mapleshade’s kits are not Birchface’s, but that of his apparent murderer. While it would have made much more sense to keep the kits, Oakstar does not run on logic. He is an emotional cat.

And frankly, his and Frecklewish’s reactions to Mapleshade’s lie makes an excellent argument for the addition that leaders should not have kits. If a medicine cat not taking on a mate or kits supposedly makes them unbiased caregivers, then it would only make sense that a leader - the one who ultimately makes decisions for the clan, and can even propose additions to the warrior code. Oakstar is the perfect example of an unbiased leader whose reaction could never have been unmotivated, because it involved that of his dead son.

That isn’t to say that Oakstar was a terrible leader in general, or that his reaction was entirely unjust. Just that it was emotionally motivated, as was Frecklewish’s.

On the subject of Frecklewish, that poor girl. She mourned her brother so hard to the point that she clutched onto Mapleshade’s unborn kits as if they were an extension of her brother. Mapleshade was justified in her heated reaction to this, “I will not have my kits judged before they have even begun their warrior training!”. The extent of this latching on of Mapleshade’s kits is both heartbreaking for them, and yet terrible for the kits involved. They never deserved their heritage shoved onto them, anyway, with such a strong insistence that they’re Birchface’s kits that Frecklewish shows dismay when none are to be named after him. Like, excuse me? I have this feeling that, if the truth had not come to fruition so quickly, the kits would have grown up knowing themselves mostly as an extension of their father. They were judged against Birchface at every step, by the Rabbitfur and Ravenwing and everyone else in the clan. For as much as she missed her brother, Frecklewish (and to some extent, Oakstar) show an alarming trend in viewing these kits less as children of Birchface, and more that they are extensions of Birchface’s legacy.

Which shows an interesting period in clan history. It isn’t only ThunderClan who shares this idea, but also Reedshine’s declaration that Appledusk will live on through his kits. Be it a case of the author writing it in to give the story more impact or not, the idea that this period of clan involved a much stronger emphasis on warriors living through their children is a period that doesn’t seem present in many other eras, save for the notable cats such as Tigerstar, Firestar, etc.

Mapleshade herself is likely the best written in the entire book. She’s emotionally driven, like much of ThunderClan. She’s sympathetic in her plight. And yet she’s selfish. For all Mapleshade is, for as likeable as she can be, she refuses to accept consequences for her actions. ThunderClan will accept these kits, she thinks, if they just get to know them. There will be no negative consequences because I did nothing wrong. She has dreams of grandeur, which ultimately, are born from the desire that her kits will be loved by both clans, which is unrealistic to say the least. Her idea of reality and what the inevitable is are two very different things. Even when her kits are dead, and she’s faced with so many realities at once - that RiverClan holds no love for her now departed kits, that Appledusk himself holds no love for her, and that ThunderClan has cast her out and RiverClan holds no obligation to allow her to stay - she denies it, and finds any way to make it someone else’s fault.

And to be fair, I should say that it is partially on the shoulders of ThunderClan that those kits died. However, the extent that Mapleshade went to enact her revenge on them, to shift the blame anywhere from herself and her actions, is both fascinating and terrifying in its extremes. And I wouldn’t say that it was carrying them across the river that led them to their doom. Mapleshade was pushed into a corner, and convinced that RiverClan would offer her a home when ThunderClan could not. And very likely, they would have at the very least taken in her kits. Ultimately, it was her affair with Appledusk, and the lies she allowed to fester that caused her to be banished from her own clan. The river did not kill those kits - it was their mother’s actions before that point that did.Mapleshade is possessive refuses to accept the reality of the situation she’s created. Her conviction when - after she murdered ThunderClan’s sole medicine cat and still found no peace - to target Frecklewish, “Frecklewish needed to pay for the lost kits, just as Ravenwing had done.”

Oof.

Though I will say, Mapleshade is entirely sympathetic. Her heartbreaking reaction to seeing her lost kits is a real, raw reaction. And I must say that, her losing her mind after her home cast her out, her children died, and her mate turned his back on her is something that is entirely realistic. They did Mapleshade dirty. She had done a great wrong, but she had her entire life ripped out from under her. It’s just that ThunderClan chose to do this to the literal worst cat. She may have done wrong, but ThunderClan’s decision to cast out her and her kits both led to the creation of something far more horrific than a break of the code.

Which leads me to the fascinating case of Ravenwing, the ThunderClan medicine cat. I’ve thought long and hard about him, and I still feel as if he is... far too neutral. He has no emotional stakes, in a story that is run on nothing but emotion. He has no reason, other than an old rivalry, to cast out the kits. Medicine cats are supposed to be neutral, and yet the basis of even casting the kits out is based on his suggestion that “reeds do not belong in the forest”. It feels very odd for a medicine cat, but odder still is that he is just so maddeningly neutral. He has no real emotional reason to do this, he’s calm and collected, just doing his medicine cat duties. Medicine cats are neutral enough that a RiverClan cat came to ThunderClan in their time of need, even during a bitter conflict. Ravenwing’s insistence that the half-RiverClan kits do not belong in ThunderClan, though they’re two months old and still on milk, is baffling. It would be a sound Oakstar decision, but not that of a Ravenwing, from what we see of him. He isn’t malicious, he’s just. There. A medicine cat. It would have made far more sense of he was acting on some kind of dislike for RiverClan, but the text reads as though he’d simply seen a sign and decided, oh, we don’t need silly half-RiverClan cats in our clan.

But even then, while not present in the text, it can be assumed that his actions are to protect ThunderClan, ultimately something to protect themselves from a scandal, and a refusal to allow Mapleshade to indulge in her lies. While he did push for her kits to be exiled, he did not want her to lie about the true identity of their father - something she never said aloud, but allowed to spread. It’s just, in a story filled with cats who act on emotion, he remains the one that seems to react on the basis of justice - which does his character wrong, I feel. It would be easier to empathize if he had some sort of emotional stake, like Oakstar or Frecklewish, but frankly, I agree with Mapleshade. He had a hand in killing her kits, by not standing up for the two moon old children who were being cast from the only home they had ever known. They could have grown up fiercely loyal to ThunderClan - they had all the makings for it. But they would always be scrutinized for their RiverClan father.

Speaking of Appledusk, I should make an amendment to my thoughts on Ravenwing. I said that every character made decisions based off emotion. That is a lie.

Appledusk thinks only with his dick.

I mean, that’s it. That’s the worst part of the novella. Appledusk gets forgiveness because Darkstar thinks he’s sorry? Excuse me? It’s understandable that RiverClan wouldn’t accept Mapleshade into their ranks - they had no reason to. She was not one of their warriors. But oh, my god, Appledusk seems slightly sorry because uh-oh, his cat weenie went flying around to ThunderClan and now his side hoe came to ThunderClan with his three dead kits because they’ve been exiled and he gets forgiveness because he’s sORRY? AND BECAUSE REEDSHINE’S LIKE, AW IT’S OKAY I’M SURE HE DIDN’T MEAN TO.

REEDSHINE, YOU COULD HAVE DONE SO MUCH BETTER. BOTH YOU AND MAPLESHADE COULD HAVE.

Appledusk didn’t deserve death, he deserved to be mauled.

I feel very strongly about this.

In the short story, it feels as if every character is motivated by personal reasons, which does it justice and also detracts. ThunderClan created their own problem, something that is seemingly not acknowledged anywhere else, though Mapleshade was no angel herself. The lies from her mouth and the heated reactions from ThunderClan created a force that would haunt the clans for generations afterwards, causing so much bloodshed and harm. While it has its problems, the Mapleshade’s Vengeance is an interesting look into an ancient ThunderClan, and the problems that arise when literally everyone is an awful cat except Nettlepaw.

And I conclude this with a thought that the ending seemed off. It doesn’t feel right for Mapleshade to be content with not seeing her kits ever again. From how fiercely she loved and missed those kits, I would have wanted to see a Mapleshade that would have clawed the moon out of the sky to see her kits again, no matter the cost.

Poor, poor Mapleshade.

[tentphantom2-blog]

Short Story: The Truck

I submitted this to Flash Fiction, but it was rejected. Here’s hoping people here appreciate it.

Sam was a student at a religious college. In the parking lot of a building on campus, across from his dorm building, there was a white truck. It was always there, even in the wee hours of the morning. No one on campus knew whose truck it was. Sam was very curious. Whose truck was it? Why was it there in the wee hours of the morning? It was even there on early Sunday mornings, where there were obviously no classes or anything going on in the building except church meetings. Sam would get up early and would see the truck there at even 4 in the morning, while the building didn’t open until 5:30. This was bothering Sam to no end. He had to get to the bottom of this.

#

Sam went to his part-time job at campus security. He was telling his coworker, Fred, about this weird occurrence. It had been there for all of the previous semester, too, and no one on campus knew whose truck it was.  The two went to the parking lot on their lunch break.

“There’s the truck,” said Sam, pointing at the mysterious vehicle. They ran the parking permit, it seemed to be in order. When they got back, they looked at tape from the building’s parking lot. However, this yielded no answers. All they saw was that an old man would occasionally walk up to the truck at about a quarter past midnight, look around, and leave. That weekend, however, they were scheduled to work the night shift, and with their boss’s permission, decided to stake out the parking lot.

#

It was a quarter past midnight on a Saturday. An older man walked across the parking lot towards the truck. As he reached the truck, Sam and Fred approached him.

“Excuse me, sir,” Sam inquired, “But is this your truck?”

Startled, the old man replied, “Yes, officer. Yes, it is. Is there a problem?”

“Well, you see, sir,” Sam calmly explained, “This truck has been parked here for a long time, since at least last semester. We haven’t been able to piece together whose truck it is.”

“Do you live in those dorms over there?” the old man asked, pointing at the dorms across the street.

“Yes, yes I do,” Sam responded, slightly taken aback. “What does-“

“What does that have to do with this situation?” the old man interrupted. He chuckled and said, “Son, I’ve lived in this town my whole life. I graduated from this school when I was about your age. Got my degree in architecture. I’ve worked here for thirty-five years. Helped design this building right here, in fact. Those dorms, too. Helluva lot nicer dorms than I had in college, that’s for sure. There’s one thing I learned workin’ here that’s a million times more valuable than any education you can get at any school from here to Harvard. You wanna know what that is, gentlemen?”

Fred and Sam looked at each other, then turned and nodded.

The architect smiled and said, “The thing I’ve learned-and gentlemen, I suggest you both write this down so you don’t forget it-is that the smallest of questions can have the largest answers. Ever wonder why this school’s crest has an acorn on it? It’s because the acorn’s a tiny little thing that grows into something strong and mighty. I keep my truck here and visit here to remind myself where my work has led me. I’ll be dead one day, but long after I’m dead, the work I did on this campus will still be impacting students, like an oak giving shade. The university president knows about this, and he’s cool with it. Here’s the proof.” The architect pulled out a phone and showed a text conversation between himself and the university president giving permission.

“Alright. Sorry to bother you, sir,” Sam said.

“Don’t be, son,” replied the old man. “It’s nice having someone to talk to. I’ll head home.” He then turned around and started to walk off.

“Sir,” called out Fred, “Could we give you a ride?”

“I’d like that,” the man replied with a smile.

END

[calleo-bricriu]

what's the de sade ripoff book like anyway?

It’s like listening to someone who thinks they’re a genius but who’s really sort of–slightly below average at everything ramble on and on and on for over 400 pages about how they’re a genius and everyone around them is making their life horrible because they don’t understand how much of a genius he is.

Also, alcohol isn’t a stimulant at all, let alone a strong one. I guess, to be entirely fair, if I found out my Mum had a sex dungeon in the house I’d probably need a drink as well.

A lot of drinks.

And an Obliviator.

Finding out your mum has a sex dungeon is a pretty reasonable excuse to drink a lot.

Anyway, this author is allegedly a doctor, he ought to know damn well alcohol isn’t a stimulant.

I really do just love how it’s the same exact story, only with worse writing and set in Dresden–then Hamburg–then…New York City.

Some guy named Newcomber completely flips out any time someone says a woman’s name around him in his own house. It’s never explained why. I feel like that should have been an important plot point? Maybe he’s assuming everyone’s already read the book he blatantly lifted from.

Men just need to not be allowed to describe women in their books if they’re going to do it like this: “Seated in a large leathern chair was a dainty piece of pink-cheeked, dark-haired, ebon-eyed femininity. Her sealskin jacket fitted snugly her lithe form, and a fascinating toque rounded off the saucy, childlike appearance of the young woman.”

That’s the sort of description that makes you feel like you need to run a Scourgify through your entire brain.

I’ve read, as I mentioned yesterday, de Sade; all of his uncensored garbage and the difference is, de Sade knew he was a shite writer.

He was just one of those obnoxious people that feels the need to be edgy for shock value; to get a reaction. He wasn’t ever trying to be good at it, he just wanted to get a reaction and have people pay attention to him, which he got–usually in the form of prison.But, the end result of that is that his writing aged in a way that makes it so completely off the wall ridiculous that it’s more funny and less shocking now.

Like–right, if you’ve never read 120 Days of Sodom you should, because all it is is this list of increasingly improbable to impossible scenarios, in actual list form, that are discussed by the characters like they’re going over a list of chores they need to do that afternoon.

One involved mice and cannons, actual cannons, that somehow didn’t result in death or injury to anyone (including the mice), another had to do with somehow arranging it so a woman would give birth to a goat, which would then become a sex slave–the goat, not the woman, I think he forgot there was a woman involved in that one by the time he got to the impossible goat baby–and when you read something like that, you know damn well the person writing it was writing what they were writing as bait to see how mad people would get about it.

This idiot, however, didn’t appear to get the joke and is taking his own…version of Justine very, very seriously which leaves you more with a really creeped out feeling than a, “HA! I can’t believe anyone fell for this, it’s so obviously written as over the top with intent to offend people too stupid to get the joke,” sort of thing.

So, moving on from the creepy description of childlike femininity–and who says woman like that anyway?

Ms. Femininity gets up and gives the, “Never Say A Woman’s Name In My House For Any Reason Ever” Newcomber a kiss and he just sort of shrugs it off, which makes her concerned but since he never bothered detailing whatever backstory these two have I guess I’m just supposed to make one up. Guessing that, because it was described as “armorous” they’re lovers but, it might have had more of an impact if he’d–mentioned that previously at some point?

This is only page sixteen, as an aside.

She was gossiping with his mom and mom let slip that he was leaving Dresden and she’s upset but again, no backstory given between these two so we don’t even know how or why she knows his mother. All we know about that relationship is that his mom grosses him out probably because of the sex dungeon thing, which is a fair reason to not want to visit your mother’s house.

So he’s pretty meh about the kiss hello, she loses her mind about it and says he’s being cruel then flings herself onto the sofa for a good cry about which he doesn’t even care.

His name is Leigh, apparently, which is a perfectly common German name, as is Newcomber..

And she’s–Tahitian (but upper class, he’s emphasised that, can’t have him screwing around with a commoner from Tahiti, obviously) and grew up in…Honolulu and got married to a US Navy officer two years before she met the guy in Dresden that she just kissed and is now crying over while the author scrambles for a backstory.

Great, got married at sixteen, is now referred to as a “child-wife” and somehow his deployment from Honolulu landed her in…Dresden.

He should have known not to leave her alone in Dresden because, since she’s Tahitian, that means she’s just going to start cheating on him the second his back is turned (which appears to be what’s happening here).

An entire page later, we find out her name is Obera, and the guy whose mom has a sex dungeon who straight up ignores her is apparently the love of her life despite the fact that all we’ve seen so far is that he’s straight up not the least bit interested in her.

That finally ended and we’re back to her crying on the sofa and he tells her to knock it off because it makes him feel mean–when he was just mean to her not even two full pages ago. Leigh’s got a terrible memory, I guess.

“Finely-molded limbs”. Stop it.

A few paragraphs of Obera going on about how Leigh’s sister, Mizpra, is a complete and utter bitch and Leigh agreeing with her that Mizpra is, in fact, a complete and utter bitch. I might be too if my name were Mizpra.

At this point, in the middle of Obera trying to explain some theological lecture she attended, the author butts in to tell us that the lectures are FACTS then references some article in Popular Science Monthly from May 1989 called, “Witchcraft in Bavaria” right after Leigh starts talking about how Dresden has lousy weather and they’re going to the Rhine because the climate is that much different–five hours barely South and mostly West of Dresden, though it might be closer depending on where along the Rhine they’re going; its a river, and it’s not exactly a short one.

It also apparently has a climate similar to Honolulu which tells me he’s never been to either place but, it’s fiction, so why the hell not?

I’m only on page 22 now, as an aside.

Suffer with me, this is awful.

So he’s already planned this whole thing, someone named Frau Leidmann will lie to everyone and tell them that Obera is traveling with some old woman, he’s sending a telegram from…New York asking her to meet some made up person in Hamburg which, incidentally, is five hours North of Dresden and if you’re trying to aim for a warmer, closer to Honolulu climate here, you don’t want to be going North but okay, fine, we’re going to Hamburg.

Author really ought to have consulted a map before writing this.

“Was it right that he should take her with him and wreck her life?” Um–if you have to ask…

Wonderful, well, at least by now she’s 18 because she got married two years previously at 16.

By page 23 he’s essentially admitted he doesn’t like her much at all but she’s hot and young so he’s going with that. Not creepy at all.

“He would throw her aside as he would any other obstacle. Was this love?” …no. We established that two paragraphs ago when his thought was straight up that he didn’t love her.

Can’t take her back to the US with him but–he’s–that part was never mentioned at any point, as far as we’ve known until page 24 is that the guy lives in Dresden, his sister is a bitch, and his mom has a sex dungeon.

Nothing dignified about his appearance, likes his laboratory, doesn’t have a real job, nobody understands him, I’m starting to think it’s less that his sister is a bitch and more that he’s just kind of a whiny creep.

So, that’s the end of chapter 1.

Chapter two starts with him explaining why he named one of his dogs Bridget and why he’s mad that Obera could not possibly care less. I couldn’t possibly care less either but he explains it anyway in the weirdest possible way, “They do not associate the name with the beautiful, refined, and historically interesting woman who gave it such prominence. How can you associate a noisy, china-breaking, red-headed, befuzzled, opinionated ruler of the kitchen with Bridget the Goddess of Poetry, the Gaelic Muse, the sentimental, impulsive Sappho of ancient Ireland?”

Man, don’t talk about your dog that way, just don’t. I don’t like where you’re going with it.

Dagda gets a much shorter, “he was the all-king, almost the Zeus of ancient Ireland.”

Ah, and Obera is, of course, a princess. A Tahitian princess.

From Honolulu.

Which is famously in Tahiti and not a six hour flight–a thing that didn’t exactly exist in 1901 so I’m assuming it would have taken a hell of a lot longer by boat–North on an entirely different set of islands.

Okay.

You know, at least de Sade knew where physical locations of places were.

Do you know how bad something as to be that, not even 35 full pages in, you can not only recognise it as a direct derivative work of the Marquis de Sade but also have it be abundantly clear that it’s, like, a version of it so poorly done that the only reason you’re still reading it is because you kind of now want to see just how much more idiotic the story can get?

That’s what this book is like.

“He arose and went to her, took her on his lap, and talked to her as though she were a child.” No. No, stop that right now.

Four pages of him explaining that the reason why he ordered, ordered, her to read a childrens book was to prove to her how all folk tales are all the same and nothing is original and something about random Greek philosophers, then Why Catholics Are Right.

I might have been as bored reading that as Obera probably was having to listen to it.

HA! SHE FELL ASLEEP WHILE HE WAS TALKING!

She has a nap, wakes up later, and has somehow…uh…received a letter from that guy she married in Honolulu basically saying, “We both made a mistake. Divorce time.” and is somehow upset by this despite it being established in the last chapter that she wasn’t super interested in him anyway as the first thing she did when he ended up deployed was start fucking this idiot of a pseudo-intellectual.

…and this is somehow Mizpra’s fault, so I’m assuming she tattled, then he straight up jumps from, “Yeah I don’t love her, she’s just hot I guess” to “I LOVE YOU LET’S GET MARRIED DEFINITELY NOT TO SPITE MY SISTER!”

That’s not sarcasm. That’s exactly what it was. Right after he does the, “I love you! I’ll marry you!” (twice in a row at that, nobody talks like that) he moves right onto “the bitch can’t laugh at you getting busted cheating if we get married” which is not entirely sound logic but that’s where we’re going.

Robert Mesney hopefully got out of this stupid plot by realising what was going on and filing for divorce.

Actually, he doesn’t even ask her  to marry him he tells her that he’s going to marry her and doesn’t give her the option to object which I guess is just fine because at some point during his rant about his sister being a tattling bitch Obera fainted and he just…didn’t notice until he let her go and she fell over because of the being unconscious thing. Even then he didn’t really care, he just sort of went, “Oh.” and dropped her back on the bed.

Now she’s talking about his “aged countenance” which might be a little more fair if it hadn’t been mentioned that he’s 25. It’s not exactly old enough to count as “aged countenance”.

Apparently he’s also an alcoholic, which they keep referring to as dipsomania. Good idea, marry the 25 year old alcoholic who the plot has established doesn’t even love you (nor has he shown it at any point in their interactions apart from shouting it at her after finding out his sister told her soon-to-be-ex-husband that Obera was cheating on him), that’ll go well for everyone involved. I don’t see what could possibly go wrong here.

The servant at this place in Hamburg has been going on for five and a half pages about how Leigh is a drunk and how it’s his mother’s fault or something then just rambling on about his own family tree for no actual reason and how he’s somehow related to Leigh but also is looking forward to the time when the last Newcomber dies.

That’s chapter 2.

Chapter 3 starts with the fact that Leigh said he’d be back by lunch and it’s been three days and he’s still not back; I guess, to be fair, he didn’t say by lunch on which day.

He’s just out binge drinking in Hamburg.

Shows up four days later at four in the morning and immediately starts drinking again and none of this is a red flag for her.

Now they’re–he’s going to Paris, she’s going back to…the US from Havre, and he’s somehow decided it’s a better idea for him to not also go to the US via Havre but to instead go to Liverpool and leave from there. Okay.

This is only page 44 out of 408.

Mizpra wants to control their mother to snag most of her estate out from under Leigh, it appears as though she’s just his stepsister anyway, Mrs. Kassel is apparently a nice lady because the author hammers that point away for a good two solid pages and she’s going to New York with Obera because she apparently owns a house on Fifth Avenue.

All right.

She just randomly tells Obera that crooked noses and mental illness (sorry, “bad psychic quality”) runs in the family. Still no red flags for Obera.

Skips right to the wedding which has…no detail at all. Literally the only mention it gets after all of that build up is, “The wedding took place at Mrs. Kassel’s, who attended to every detail,” then moves right on to Leigh getting a flat in uptown and a job at a hospital and to mention that his mother’s letters were “curt, unresponsive, and insulting” for which he blames Mizpra.

Couldn’t be the fact that he ran off to the US with a still married 18 year old without telling anyone, why would that bother someone’s mother?

He either gets fired or quits at the hospital, it was never mentioned either way, and has irregular work so now they’re behind on bills and Obera’s “condition” requires quiet and rest and…Mrs. Kassel to take her on a vacation I guess. Time skip from spring to autumn and, to nobody’s surprise, Obera comes back with a baby and her idiot of a husband is still unemployed and also didn’t seem to notice or care that she was gone (because that’s never mentioned) for almost a year.

By this point, Leigh straight up hates his mom and Mizpra is a “moral criminal” but it’s not explained how, just that she is.

Mom, Mizpra, and a whole bunch of their maids suddenly turn up at an uptown hotel and he just–takes off to go and see them despite having spent the last few pages going on about how he can’t stand either of them.

Sister’s got masculine handwriting which is somehow important to know.

Oh, let’s see, what else are we learning about Mizpra: Large jaws, muscled neck, small hips, uncomely waist, large hands, bold frame, coarse features, a “masculine larynx” and she–author keeps refering to Mizpra as she so that’s what I’m going with here–tells him to fuck off and that she’ll call the police if he tries to see mother.

So, instead of trying to reason with her (also why did they come over from Desden if they didn’t want to see him?) he just tells her she looks like a man.

“Mother doesn’t want to see you.”

“YEAH, WELL YOU LOOK LIKE A MAN! CHECKMATE! I AM SUCH AN INTELLECTUAL!”

Great display of the long winded nonsense the author gave everyone about what an intelligent intellectual this idiot is; best he can come up with is to tell his sister she looks like a man.

He still doesn’t have a job.

It’s been almost an entire year, how have they not been evicted from that flat yet?

Oh, but he has money to go out and get trashed again, though.

And he’s rambling to the bartender about people staring at “crippled children” for some fucking reason while the bartender pretty much pretends to listen.

He drinks because he’s a genius. That’s it. That’s the reason. He’s a genius and nobody gets him so he drinks.

58 pages in and I can kind of see why this guy’s sister doesn’t particularly care for him. I don’t particularly care for him either and, so far, am kind of on Mizpra’s side on this one.

Random name dropping list of famous people who had epilepsy or who were alcoholics or drug addicts. For an entire five pages. Nothing else, just a list, until he gets to Edgar Allan Poe who apparently had a psychic incubus problem instead.

One long paragraph held together by semicolons that says nothing at all.

Five pages about how his drinking problem is literally just like lycanthropy only, instead of turning into a wolf, he just goes to a pub and does so more often than once every full moon.

Same thing though. Exactly like lycanthropy which we all know is caused by thinking you’re a genius then being mad that nobody else agrees with that self-assessment.

More internal dialogue about how everybody is an idiot except him, because he’s a genius that nobody understands.

Somehow.

A few more pages of comparing himself to Nero which is not strictly the best comparison someone could make unless he’s planning to burn New York City down.

Couple of pages of internal dialogue about how he shouldn’t have to get a job because he’s a genius and people should just pay him to grace them with his presence.

End of Chapter 4 and I can’t keep reading this anymore today. This might be the worst thing I’ve ever read and not at all for the reasons the author was intending; it’s not shocking unless you’re shocked by how badly it’s written.

It’s so bad it’s almost exhausting.

[thisdiscontentedwinter]

The anatomy of a fucking idiot: Prince at work

Let’s look at Prince’s post, shall we: 

Unreal Decadence

So, a while ago – June of last year – I put up a post on The Cost of ‘Liking the Villain’.   Just a few moments ago, @lancelot2015  put up a scathing critique of that post.  

They are not real

Holy Moly!  I never even thought that when I wrote a post about the costs of liking fictional villains that they weren’t actually real!   /sarcasm

Yes, I completely understand the that the villains aren’t real.  But, for better or worse, the people liking the villains are real.   They are real people who choose to spend their time and energy indulging in a hobby, which means they choose to spend their time and energy engaging in the celebration of genocidal fascists and serial killers.

For starters, there’s a world of difference between liking a fictional villain and “engaging in the celebration of genocidal fascists and serial killers”. But even if there wasn’t, the genocide and serial killings of Kylo Ren and Peter Hale and Hannibal Lector and their ilk are also not real. 

Bolded for emphasis, Prince, because, despite your implication that someone who likes Kylo Ren must also enjoy the fact that millions of people are being tortured and starved to death by a fascist regime in North Korea, for example, you’re talking absolute bullshit. 

I mean, I don’t know anyone in the 501st Legion, but I’m pretty sure they do more good here in the actual real world--despite their love of Vader--than you’ve ever done. 

So, can I ask, what particularly attracts individuals into liking people like Kylo Ren or Peter Hale?  Is it the mass slaughter?   Is it the disregard for any life but their own?  Is it the way they cook up excuses for their behavior?  

It’s the fact that a villain is necessary to a story, Prince, and that villains also often get the snappiest dialogue, and the best one-liners. Without the villains, your heroes would be sitting around twiddling their thumbs. 

And before people get their backs up, the original post wasn’t a directive not to like villains.  It was a plea not to forget that these fictional villains have victims, whose stories are important as well.  These people are also not real!   But the psychology of choosing to celebrate someone whose purpose is to hurt, kill, or traumatize innocents is questionable at best.   (It’s the same psychology that allows you to watch children being gunned down in the street and say “Not my problem” or “blue lives matter.”)

No, fictional villains’ victims are not real people, and nobody is under any obligation to feel bad for their fictional victims unless we want to. And their stories are important? That’s not how storytelling works, you peanut. Fictional villains’ victims stories might be important, or they might also be Redshirts. Not every character is created equal, Prince. This is fiction, not a declaration of universal human rights. 

And you are not a fucking psychologist. You have no basis at all to judge people who like fictional villains. And you sure as fuck have no basis at all to compare liking a fictional villain to “blue lives matter”. Because guess what, you fucking idiot? You’re the only one here comparing real living human beings to NPCs and Redshirts. You’re the only one saying that real children getting gunned down in the street are the same as the people on the screen when the First Order blew up Hosnian Prime. Take a look in the mirror before you insinuate other people are sociopaths, huh? 

My liking fictional villains in no way dehumanises actual people--but your actively comparing real victims of genocide to fictional characters sure as shit does. 

Some of those unreal victims may look like people you know.  Do you enjoy fantasizing about someone who can get away with murdering your next door neighbor?   Did you cheer in the movie theater when the First Order blew up ten billion innocent lives?  My position is and has always been that it’s not  responsible to celebrate a fictional villain without acknowledging why he is a villain, which means acknowledging, yes, their fictional victims.  

They might look like my own mother, Prince, but I can still tell the difference between fiction and reality. And, fun story, but many years ago my next door neighbour was murdered. Well, next door to next door. And not once did I cheer for her ex-husband. Weird, right? It’s almost as though I can tell the difference between a fictional villain, whose fictional crimes have no impact at all on the real world, and a violent criminal who killed a living person and traumatised an entire family of real, actual people.

Unless, of course, murder gets you off.  Then by all means, celebrate away!  Just don’t expect me not to comment on what that says about you.

Well we’ve already established you have the same psychological credentials (and insight) as a piece of soggy cardboard, so I think we’re safe in assuming that you actually have no idea what liking fictional villains says about me, or about @lancelot2015, or about anyone else in this very real, actual world. 

[tlbodine]

Stories That Don’t Flinch: Let’s Talk About Hereditary

There’s a lot to be said about 2018′s Hereditary, the directorial debut of Ari Aster. We could talk about it’s oppressive atmosphere and slow-but-inevitable-crescendo pacing. We could talk about the unbearable tension built around a crumbling family. Or we could talk at length about its incredible amounts of meticulous foreshadowing and the tightness of its visual storytelling. 

But I want to talk about that scene. You know the one. 

Heavy spoilers underneath the cut. If you haven’t seen the movie yet, venture cautiously forward -- you might want to watch it spoiler-free so you can be shocked the way I was. Trigger warnings for child death. This is not a pleasant movie. 

Hereditary opens on a funeral, but its first on-screen death happens around the 35 minute mark, and nothing can really prepare you for it. 

Up to this point, you think you know where this movie is headed. We’re introduced to Annie, a mother who’s dealing with complicated grief after her own mother’s death. They didn’t have a good relationship, to say the least, and her own life has been marked by a series of tragedies tied to mental illness. We’re introduced to her daughter Charlie, an uncanny child whose hobbies include eating chocolate, drawing, and building creepy-ass effigies in her bedroom. 

We have every reason to believe that the primary conflict of the film will be centered on the difficult relationship between mother and daughter. Annie wasn’t close to her mother, but Charlie had a special bond with her grandmother. Charlie is despondent and weird and creepy. She does things like sneak out to sleep in her tree house, follow lights into the woods, and cut the head off a dead bird for her next art project. 

So around the half-hour mark, Charlie’s older brother Peter asks if he can go to a party. His mother, suspecting there might be drinking involved, tells him to take his little sister along -- a classic parenting move I think is probably familiar to most people. I know I spent a lot of time as a kid being the annoying tag-along sister chaperoning (and cock-blocking) my brothers and their friends. Highly relatable. 

Anyway - so Peter takes Charlie to the party and is trying to make the best of it (ie, not let his weird creepy kid sister completely ruin his chance at having fun) so he gently urges her to go eat a piece of cake and enjoy herself. Unbeknownst to both of them, the cake has walnuts in it -- and we’ve previously established that Charlie has a nut allergy. 

Not long later, Charlie finds Peter sequestered in an upstairs bedroom, taking a bong rip. She’s broken out into a rash and started to wheeze. 

Peter, being a dumb teenager, panics and bundles her up in the car to drive back to mom and dad -- a bad call, but again, utterly relatable. Who’s going to call an ambulance to a party full of underage drinking and weed? What teenage boy is going to remember to carry an epi-pen all the time for his kid sister? 

So he starts driving down the empty country road leading to their house. It’s dark, and he’s flooring the gas pedal. We see the speedometer top out at 90. Charlie is gasping and wheezing terribly in the back seat. She rolls down the window and leans out, trying to breathe better. Peter, obviously frightened, is trying to share his attention between her in the backseat and the road. 

There’s a dead deer lying in the middle of the road. 

He swerves to avoid it. There’s a telephone pole on the side of the road, the same side Charlie is hanging out of. 

We hear the impact, and we know. We know what happened. 

At that point watching this movie, I legitimately screamed, and that doesn’t happen often. Never in a million years would I have expected that. 

Kids in movies -- even horror movies -- tend to have plot armor. It’s pretty rare that the kid dies. It happens, of course (look at Pet Sematary), but it’s uncommon. 

And it’s rare in movies -- even horror movies -- for a death to be sudden and honest and brutal. Stories usually give you a place to hide, emotionally, when a character dies. Either the death is treated with some filter of sentimentality -- sad music and on-screen tears and a lingering camera view of fingers unfurling, or some such -- or the shlocky gore factor is played up, driving the death to the point of absurdity so that you can feel a little safer about watching it. 

It’s pretty rare for death in fiction to come suddenly and brutally and without any warning or safe space to hide, and for that death to be the death of a child -- shit. It was hardcore. It was viscerally uncomfortable to watch. We actually had to pause the movie to go outside for a minute and collect ourselves before going back into it. 

And not just because the death itself was so shocking and so awful, but because the film broke an unspoken contract: 

The kid isn’t supposed to die. We had every reason up to that point to believe that she was going to be the main character, or the antagonist. 

It’s a genuinely Hitchcockian twist, and watching it, I think I know how audiences must have felt the first time Psycho aired on theaters. That kind of contractual betrayal works on a meta-textual basis to deeply unsettle the audience. 

We’re barely 40 minutes into a 2-hour+ film at this point. Where the fuck can it go from here? 

Back on the screen -- Peter has stopped the car, and he is completely frozen with shock in the front seat. There is no more noise from the back seat. He doesn’t dare look. He knows. He knows what he’s going to see back there. And for a long, long time, he sits there frozen in complete shock and terror. 

And then he puts the car into gear and drives home. 

And pulls into the driveway and goes inside and climbs into his bed without ever looking in the back seat, without saying anything to anyone, without turning on a light or making a noise. He lays down in bed wide-eyed and completely numb and, some sleepless quantity of time later, hears the sounds of his parents moving around, and his mom heading down to the car, and then her screaming. 

I don’t know that I have ever felt more sorry for a fictional character in my life than I did for Peter at that moment. 

This poor kid -- this doe-eyed teenager, who made some bad calls, but can you blame him? None of this was his fault, not really. And now he’s going to live with this weight for the rest of his life. He is completely and utterly traumatized, and we know immediately that he’s not going to get any support in this -- not from his mother, who we can already see is both selfish and pathological in her own grief. 

As you might expect, things continue to get worse for him throughout the rest of the film. 

And just in case you thought the movie would be kind to you -- just in case you thought you still had somewhere safe to hide, in case you thought you could get away without confronting the whole situation (god help me) head-on...well. In the bright light of day, the family (and the camera) return to the scene to retrieve Charlie’s head, already teeming with ants. 

This movie does not pull any punches. Not a single one. 

I think there are a lot of useful things to learn from this particular film, from an artistic standpoint: 

You have an unspoken contract with the audience. There are certain expectations that people have based on genre conventions and cultural norms. You can break those to great effect -- but you have to be careful with it, because breaking those conventions is a betrayal of trust. You might lose audience members who are not willing to surrender their time and attention to a creator who betrays the contract. This is the kind of thing you can only manage to pull off once in a story, and you’ve got to make it count. 

Highly specific situations are often, paradoxically, more relatable than “universal” ones. Eschewing common tropes and expected, predictable creative choices can make a story feel more authentic and real. The situation of going to a party and having to drag your kid sister along is real. Panicking and running home to mom instead of calling an ambulance is real. Being in total shock after a terrible accident and not telling anyone about it is real. They’re things I don’t necessarily think I’ve seen play out very often in a story, but they’re things that are absolutely believable. Universal tropes are often based more on cultural norms of behavior than on actual individual experiences. Real life is usually messier and stranger and more messed up. Crib experiences from real life -- yours, your friends, your family, news stories -- to tell authentic and relatable stories. 

Decide whether you want to give the audience a place to hide. Sometimes horror movies are fun. Sometimes you want to create a scary environment that people can feel safe watching, like a haunted house. You give them places to hide and protect themselves emotionally -- you incorporate humor, you drive up the absurdity of the violence, you make all of the characters sort of caricature-esque. But sometimes you want to make a story that will actually genuinely horrify the audience -- even traumatize them. And you do that by refusing to flinch or look away or pull punches. You make them confront the terrible things directly and force them to process them on their own. 

Anyway. I’m not sure that Hereditary manages to live up to its first act. It’s a fine film, and it continues to be creepy and uncomfortable and genuinely horrifying throughout -- but that death scene is a tough act to follow, and I personally found its supernatural resolution to somewhat cheapen the events that preceded it. 

But that scene will stick with me forever. This film will haunt me. And for someone who consumes and creates as much horror media as I do, that is truly saying something. 

[marshmallowgoop]

I can’t think of anyone else who does this kind of year-in-review compilation for writing, but I put one together for 2017 and would like to continue to do so. It’s just nice to get a sense of what I’ve accomplished in 12 months, especially when I feel that I haven’t accomplished much of anything.

Unlike last year, though, I’m including all kinds of writing I’ve done this time around. My non-fiction work is important to me, too.

Mental health talk and text versions of these snippets under the cut.

To cut right to the chase, 2018 was rough. No matter all my flowery pep talks trying to be positive and uplifting, my feelings of inadequacy skyrocketed. I drenched myself in my own self-depreciating “humor,” and I ridiculed my hopes and dreams. Every time I felt my work was poorly received, I’d tell myself, “Well, what did you think would happen? That people would actually like what you do?”

But I never wanted to stop “keeping on.” I wanted to continue what I loved no matter what, and I threw myself into my writing. There would be days where I wouldn’t eat or do anything else until I’d finished an essay. I spent practically the entire month of November sleeping on my couch because I never wanted to “go to bed” until I had written more, posted more, done more. My head became filled with a constant mantra of, “You’ll never be enough.”

And I wanted to prove myself wrong. I wanted to be something—even if that something was just being happy with myself. But all the proclamations that I’m “getting better!” and “improving so much!” never did much for my confidence. What good is progress, after all, if I still feel like I’m nowhere?

Still, I tried to be productive about my failure. So I wasn’t satisfied with what I was doing. What could I do to be satisfied? I took different approaches to my content. I asked for advice, opinions. But that feeling of being nothing remained.

And yet, I’d always say things like, “I’m okay. I’m just frustrated.” Or, “I felt better after I binged some Netflix, haha.” I wanted to be helpful, inspiring. I wanted to tell people that it’s hard, but it gets better. I wanted to come off as the happy person I so wish to be, and I felt guilty every time I revealed any of my insecurities. Nobody wants to hear that stuff. Everyone suffers. I’m not special.

So maybe that’s why I feel it’s important to say now that I’m not okay. I’m hurting. I’m in pain. There are times I hate myself so much that I can think of nothing but how I’m ugly both inside and out, that I’m selfish, ungrateful, a total bitch.

And I want to be better! Of course I do. And I want to continue to work to be better.

But right now? I’m not okay. And running away from that fact and trying to hide it won’t help me or anyone else.

It was a rough year. I feel I made a total fool of myself more times than I would care to admit. But I also created a lot of art. I shared a lot of art with the world.

And you know what? I am proud of myself. I did impact people with what I did. I answered over 100 asks! I added more than 17 pages to my “replies” tag! I’m not nothing, and I need to stop treating myself like I am!

On to a better, healthier 2019!

Texts

January

Yes, DARLING goes way further than I’m comfortable with, but in doing so, and in doing so seriously, it tells the viewer in no indirect terms that the relationship between Hiro and Zero Two isn’t a joke. This ain’t another Ryuko and Senketsu, where all the blatantly suggestive themes between a human and a non-human are easily neglected and there’s the insistence that the relationship is akin to that of a child and their parental figure (yuck), because unlike Ryuko and Senketsu, there is 1,000% the sense that this series intends for its leads to be like that. There’s practically no other way around it. Just look at the title.

DARLING also doesn’t seem to be following in the footsteps of a run-of-the-mill monster movie, either, where a relationship between a human and a non-human is treated as something terrifying. There have only been two episodes so far, but I would say that there is something genuine in the relationship between Hiro and Zero Two already.

February

So, I don’t have a “bad” section this week. While DARLING might have tonal problems as a whole, as far as “Your Thorn, My Badge” is concerned, there’s little to complain about. The episode is serious, and it stays serious. For the first time ever, there’s a distinct lack of gratuitous fanservice, and other issues that plague the show are also wonderfully absent. No awful cockpit set-up can be seen here, abuse from a woman isn’t depicted as funny, quirky, and cute, and what’s unsettling is portrayed as unsettling.

March

Senketsu’s story—intentionally or not—has easy parallels to stories of marginalization and “otherness.” Like Akira Fudo of Devilman, Senketsu has the body of a “monster” but the heart of a human, and consequently, he can’t fit well in either world. No matter how silly Kill la Kill is, there’s something incredibly worthwhile in a narrative where someone who feels worthless and as though they don’t belong anywhere finds love and comes to understand that they matter. The fact that Senketsu’s story gets so neglected is beyond disappointing for exactly this reason.

But the erasure is also disappointing because Senketsu’s story is plain good. Throwing out everything I just wrote, isn’t it sweet, for a girl to decide that she cares more for a kind, compassionate person than what anyone thinks of her for being with him? Isn’t it heartwarming, that she would push herself to be as strong as she can be to return him to full health when he’s injured? Isn’t it worthy of praise, that there’s the depiction of a relationship built on communication and respect between the two, without either of them unhealthily idolizing the other even though they are both among each other’s first friends, and where they openly discuss their thoughts and feelings and concerns together? Isn’t this all something to be celebrated?

April

To make matters worse, the almost-final version of the script (as included in The Complete Script Book) doesn’t even include that tiny moment of Ryuko’s grief in the end at all! To quote:

街(数ケ月後)

可愛い服を着てマコとデートしている流子。ソフトクリームを買おうとショップによる。そこにもう一人の手が伸びる。買っているのは皐月。彼女も私服だ。驚く流子とマコ。はにかむ皐月。三人、笑いあう。その姿は屈託のない１０代の少女だった。

Incredibly rough translation:

City (a few months later)

Mako wears cute clothes on her date with Ryuko. The two go to buy soft-serve ice cream. Another person’s hand extends, and it’s revealed that Satsuki is buying the ice cream for them. She’s wearing normal clothes, and Ryuko and Mako are amazed. Satsuki is shy. The three laugh together. It is the image of carefree teenage girls.

May

Of course, as I’ve said before, I do think it’s important to talk seriously about media, because media is important. Media constantly impacts and influences us. #TheDiscourse definitely has a place.

But the goal of these kinds of discussions should be to improve. We should strive for better and more inclusive media. We should strive for better and more inclusive fandom. When #TheDiscourse instead becomes more about who’s the most morally superior and who’s the most garbage, it’s failing at this goal. Instead of being about bettering our art, #TheDiscourse seems to, more often than not, be about bullying other people under the guise of righteousness. And it’s utterly repugnant.

June

But what bothers me most about the argument isn’t really the argument itself. What irks me more than anything else is how this widely held belief emphasizes a disheartening trend: whenever something as popular as Kill la Kill comes along, there’s perhaps an eagerness to accept some of the most negative interpretations possible, almost as if there’s a desire for something awful.

And, sure. Maybe I’m just “reacting in shock and horror” to interpretations that are separate from my own. It’s not like there’s anything inherently wrong with a negative view of a work. It’s not like any of my more positive readings are “more correct.” I can’t claim to “get” a piece of art more than anyone else does.

But I can’t help it. I wish things were different. I wish negative interpretations weren’t seen as “more valid” simply because they’re negative. I wish more people weren’t afraid to disagree with popular negative interpretations for fear of sounding like they’re “reacting in shock and horror,” as though there’s really something so wrong about being passionate about art and finding a negative interpretation of art to actually be negative in itself. I wish for more nuance. I wish for more discussion. 

July

I mean, just imagine this. You’re fighting a battle whose outcome will literally decide whether or not your entire planet explodes into a billion pieces in like two hours. It’s not only your life on the line. Everyone you care about have their lives on the line, too. 

To make matters worse, it ain’t going well for your side. You’ve been rendered basically immobile by a cheap attack from these world-destroying baddies… and so have all your allies. Things are looking pretty grim, to say the least.

And then one of your big-name enemies goes and does it. She laughs at your efforts and taunts you and—get this—she says something that totally insults your OTP.

Now, a normal person would probably not be thinking about OTPs during a fight to save the Earth from turning into confetti. 

A normal person is not Mako Mankanshoku.

August

But I find Grosz’s thesis compelling in regards to Kill la Kill because, in a lot of ways, Ryuko and Senketsu do rather embody typical positions of men and women in fictional stories both East and West… except, the roles are reversed. Ryuko is the unruly, aggressive, and hot-blooded protagonist just as a man often is, and Senketsu exhibits many traits that are traditionally associated with women; he’s sensitive, emotional, and a considerable worrywart. Further, while I find the term “love interest” both degrading and unfitting for Senketsu in a series that Word of God denies any romantic intention for, I have to admit that he fits many of the conventions. In an anime with a cast primarily composed of women, the fact that Senketsu is arguably coded as male makes him, just as the standard heteronormative “love interest,” the most narratively significant character of another gender in the show (for just a few other examples, see Ran from Detective Conan, Sam from Danny Phantom, Katara from Avatar: The Last Airbender, and Tuxedo Mask from Sailor Moon). Whether I’m watching an anime or an American cartoon, I don’t think I’d be too surprised to see a scenario like the one from the end of Kill la Kill’s thirteenth episode, where a man tells a woman that he’s afraid of losing control and needs her to be there for him so that he doesn’t.

September

The official website for Kill la Kill the Game: IF is now up.

As of this writing, the site details gameplay mechanics and other general information regarding the game. There are also short bios and new game-specific artwork provided for the four confirmed playable characters: Ryuko Matoi, Satsuki Kiryuin, Ira Gamagoori, and Uzu Sanageyama. The “Video” section features the trailer from Anime Expo 2018 and the original 30-second commercial (which now has English subtitles available).

The “Top” page also includes a link to the Arc System Works Event Portal Site, where any potential players can download a detailed Play Guide for the game. Additionally, the site provides a schedule for the upcoming showcase of Kill la Kill the Game: IF at Tokyo Game Show 2018:

October

She catches their reflection in the long mirrors that line the gym walls and asks how in the world it all works.

He does not know what she means.

She holds a hand to her hair. The strands are bright and red, leaping into the air like fire.

His voice is a low rumble. The sound fills her as though it is her own.

We are one now, he says. Your skin is my skin, and mine is yours.

The words remind her to once more return to herself.

But when she looks to the glass, she still sees him.

November

Gridman is also quite stunning from a directorial and visual standpoint. As I wrote up some notes for the premiere while waiting for my multiple-hours-delayed Greyhound bus (hey I can’t not recommend that service enough, but those of you who were in full-out cosplay at the station are so much stronger than me), I made sure to mention how much I enjoyed the focus on scenery and environments. A lot of anime will rely heavily on stale shot-reverse-shot conversations in which the characters hardly move, but Gridman mixes things up. When the characters talk, viewers get these wonderful glimpses of their world. Sometimes, you’ll hardly even see the characters at all! This choice feels so fresh and different, and I was particularly taken by how the opening moments of the show are just about entirely background shots.

Takeuchi mentions in the interviews that Gridman director Akira Amemiya is incredibly skilled at what he does, and everything in a cut—from objects to angles to facial expressions—all have meaning. I think I could definitely see that from episode 1, and it’s a real treat. That’s exactly what visual storytelling should be doing.

December

Jiro’s Mubyoshi is neat, but Ryuko’s? It’s sweet as all heck. No matter Houka’s complicated info dump about what she’s doing, the actual scene simply plays out like one of the purest expressions of love. There’s a reason that there’s nudity here, and it’s not for fanservice or titillation. It’s to signify the closeness of Ryuko and Senketsu in this moment—to say that, right here, the two of them are uniting as one.

And it’s beautiful. Intimate. Absolutely heartwarming. Ryuko openly shares a part of herself that even Senketsu hadn’t known before, and he adores it. He loves being with Ryuko so much. He loves her so much.

And Ryuko? Shy, closed-off, keeps-her-distance-even-from-her-family Ryuko? She’s completely unabashed. Senketsu has always paid attention to her pulse and breathing and so on and so forth, and she doesn’t even hesitate to reveal more. This is her sound, and she wants him to listen. She wants him to hear nothing else. She trusts him, fully and completely—and this trust is so breathtakingly powerful that Houka even unzips his hoodie in awe of it.

[shark-myths]

Writing Reflection: 2018

I was tagged by @horsegirlharry, who i will smooch in person in ONE WEEK! 

1. Number of stories (including drabbles) posted to AO3: 15. I'm trying not to feel critical about my output this year: I was distracted by ~boy problems and emotional turmoil for a lot of 2018, so I absolutely slayed some journals but neglected my fic. but I also tackled some difficult projects, some of which I'm really proud of, and translated a lot of those big emotions back into writing, so there's a lot to give myself credit for.

2. Word count posted for the year: 224,001

3. List of works published this year (in order of posting)

Roman Candle Hearts

I'm A Wing, I'm A Prayer

The Five Point Palm Exploding Heart Technique

your hips, your lips, are mine

in space, no one can hear you misgender me

Girl Firsts

halfway to your heart (starting from your knees)

Boys Next Door/Assholes

Vices & Vices

Early Morning Company

Jaws of Death

Baby You're A Haunted House

The Fixed Stars of Heaven

Sell Out Girl

Think of All The Fellas I Haven't Kissed

4. Fandoms I wrote for: Fall Out Boy, Battlestar Galactica, Panic! at the Disco, My Chemical Romance

5. Pairings: Pete/Patrick, Starbuck/Apollo, Pete/Brendon, Brendon/Ryan, Patrick/Michael Day, Frank Iero/Gerard Way, Joe/Andy

6. Story with the most:

Boys Next Door/Assholes, aka the peterick SUMMER BOYFRIENDS au, aka the fic I wrote about falling in love with my ex that captures the sweetness and suffering of new summer love in a very specific and tactile way. It has the most hits, kudos, and comments of anything I wrote in 2018. I'm so glad you guys loved it so much!

9. Work I’m most proud of (and why):

Sell Out Girl, the sequel to girl out boy, is incredibly important to me and I'm so fucking proud of how it turned out. emotionally, i am prouder of the girl out boy stories  than anything else i've ever done. girlfic is how I am cleaning my wounds and healing my heart, and it is an honor to be doing that with you walking alongside me, and being touched and changed too. this fic was incredibly emotionally demanding but also, on a technical level, easy: there was lots of rambly internal monologues and angst, glitter-sharp language and poetical pain, which is my comfort zone as a writer for sure.

on a technical and writerly level, the one I'm most proud of is Baby You're A Haunted House, because i wrote it *fast*, in a fandom I'm not comfortable or familiar in, in a style I don't usually use, and to achieve a very specific artistic effect with the unreliable narrator and shifting sands of reality, while heartbroken. so I'm pleased as fuck with how it came out. it's one of my favorite things I've written in the past several years, and the perfect kind of challenge for me.

10. Work I’m least proud of (and why):

ugh, The Fixed Stars of Heaven . I usually love everything I write, but my experience of writing this fic was terrible. I was never inspired (except when researching the ISS and zero-g botany!) and the epistolary format meant I didn’t know how to develop the kind of tension I *live* for. the whole time I was writing, I didn’t go back and reread (a typical part of my process for matching tone) because I loathed it so much! I kept saying “well, something has to be my worst story” about it... and I still feel that way.

11. A favorite excerpt of your writing:

It's impossible to choose--I like my writing a lot, that's why I write the way i do. all of Baby You're A Haunted House and I'm A Wing, I'm A Prayer are beautiful to me; the love letter Pete writes in Boys Next Door/Assholes; and the whole bathtub scene from chapter 5 of Sell Out Girl, of which this is the very best part:

“Pete is safe and warm and submerged, an egg in a mermaid’s purse, waiting to swim out as a shark whenever she’s ready. She holds her breath and feels her baby beat within her. She looks up at Pat and fears nothing, nothing but love.”

12. Share or describe a favorite review you received:

every review I get makes impact on my heart. I take screenshots and save my favorites; you guys bolster me and keep me going. The best and most important reactions are the ones I get on Girl Out Boy stuff, and the outpouring of fanworks and support means the world to me. especially the way you guys showed up for and stood with me during my difficult breakup this year—wow. I love you so much.

my favorite reviews I’ve gotten this year have been a few different people who told me I was skilled at capturing the feeling of falling in love. as a feelings-and-process oriented romance writer, that means the world to me! I never know what plots my stories are going to have (my characters always surprise me), but I always know how I want a fic to feel. I’m never more honored than when you feel it too.

13. A time when writing was really, really hard:

during the slow-motion process of one of my romantic relationships coming apart in September and October! I was so anxious and keyed up and self-obsessed and miserable during that time, I literally couldn’t bear to write, and when I tried I just kept wrecking the Girl Out Boys’ lives. you guys carried me through.

14. A scene or character you wrote that surprised you:

I don’t want to spoil Sell Out Girl, but a ship I don’t typically ship popped up and I went with it, and I was exactly as surprised as everyone reading that it happened and that it felt so right and good!

15. How did you grow as a writer this year:

i tried new types of projects, like the fucking epistolary scifi fic, a flash fiction exercise, the unreliable narrator trope, and sequels. i wrote in a couple fandoms I'm less comfortable in, fairly often off of other people's prompts. I am trying to hone a cleaner writing style: I spend so much time lost and rambly in describing how characters feel, my stories lose a lot of chances for action and motion. i like my writing best when it is spare and vivid, able to actually evoke emotions rather than just tell you what they feel like. i think some of my fic this year really showcases that (like Vices & Vices ). i still grow so much as a writer, and learn so much about the craft, with each work.

i used an editing and revision process for Fixed Stars of Heaven, thanks to my dear friend JM, that i don't usually subject my work to. i also wrote through a project i was not enjoying, rather than dropping it as soon as my interest waned. my discipline as a wild, reckless writer is, slowly but surely, improving.

i wrote through my own shitty emotionally abusive relationship with a parent through the character of Andy in sell out girl, and got better at naming trauma and abuse and setting my own boundaries as a result of that.

i started reading (and a little bit writing) poetry again.

16. How do you hope to grow next year:

oh, i can't see that road! i hope i grow in ways i never expected cuz i'm faced with challenges in my work i could never have anticipated. generically, i hope i keep tightening my style and improving my discipline, and getting better at defending regular writing time.

17. Who was your greatest positive influence this year as a writer (could be another writer or beta or cheerleader or muse etc etc):

- i read only works by women for the entire year of 2018, and the nourishing impact of that on my entire inner life cannot be overstated. i didn't even read a comic book or a work book if it was written by a man. i kept myself entirely pure of the labor of perspective-taking for men, or subjecting myself to men's conception of anybody else's experiential reality.

- @leyley09 my official Fic Enabler, who is SINGULARLY AND SOLEY to blame for at least two fics this year, and has encouraged my very worst ideas about a hundred more

- my unofficial cheerleading squad family on tumblr, who lifted me up and made sure i was healthy, supported, and well through my whole shitty relationship ending debacle. @glitterandrocketfuel, @secretstudentdragonblog, @allkindsofplatinumandpercocet, and @laudanumcafe -- not to mention every other beauty who commented on my sad-ass selfies or my fic. thank you, my loves.

18. Anything from your real life show up in your writing this year:

EVERYTHING IS REAL

most notable and egregious examples:

- the letter pete writes for patrick in boys next door/assholes is a real love letter i gave someone

- the fight brendon and ryan have in vices & vices is a real fight i had with a partner

- the climactic kiss on the streets of new york at the end of sell out girl is my real first kiss with my new boo

the worst thing is that i don't generally farm my *past* life for my fic--everything that shows up is really recent and fresh, because i'm most interested in writing things i'm currently dealing with and experiencing. and yes, i especially steal the sex scenes.

19. Any new wisdom you can share with other writers:

be curious about yourself and your characters. if you've never written / published in a serial format, where you're only writing a week or so ahead of posting, you must try it at least once! listen to what your readers are noticing about your themes and characters! i learn so much about my the emotional resonance and direction of my stories from the people who read them and comment. my writing is so much stronger as a result of writing the majority of my work this way, and i have much more fun with it than when i write a long piece in an echo chamber with no input from you guys!

20. Any projects you’re looking forward to starting (or finishing) in the new year:

- i'm working on a Rent-A-Family trope + law firm AU + kidfic thing i started messing with last year

- Pete Wentz's Bisexual Realizations, a fic dreamed up and playlist-empowered by @nikadd

- a Venom AU for my beloved @immoral-crow

- Girl Out Boy hiatus fic

- and a MANIA anniversary surprise <3

21. Tag some writers whose answers you’d like to read.

all of my Peterick creator pals! @leyley09 @shatteredmirrors-and-lace23 @allkindsofplatinumandpercocet @laudanumcafe @glitterandrocketfuel and everyone/anyone else!