#they go on vacation and post horrible pics of them looking so pretty ???

[hearts-hunger]

what happens after starcatcher i'm scared 🧍‍♀️

[maleexperience-blog]

6

Let's talk about my body. I'm a muscle head...sort of, depending on who you ask. If you ask Timothy Chalamet, I'm a god. If you ask a 1990s Arnold Schwarzeneggar, I'm a puny little man. I look at myself in the mirror and feel pretty content with where my body is for the most part, which is a far cry from where I was. I have spent years--actual decades, I won't name how many, but we'll say more than one--in the gym. I have spent those years addicted to the pump and lamenting its ultimate deflation and return to my body's baseline. But I'd always go back, because I wanted to look like the John Cenas and the Rocks. "If I just keep going..." "If I just eat more protein..." "If I just try this supplement..." "If I just try this different routine..."

I kept going and I kept going, very few breaks if any. Consistently, every week. On vacation. During my years at school. On summer breaks. After work. In the mornings, in the afternoons, in the late night after my shifts in food service. I prioritized it so very much. This is still so today. Six days a week, now. In all that time, up until around my mid-30s, I never looked how I truly wanted. I still looked like a twinky boy. I looked like a boy who walked like he was supposed to be a man of a different physique, because, some part of me sometimes believed it. At one point I discovered weight gainer supplement; I became stronger within a few weeks and became addicted to throwing up more weight than I'd ever lifted before. It was a game changer. Unfortunately, I'd hit a plateau and got pretty plump. Boy, was my ass phat though. I had black men and older daddies trying to get in my butt. My butt was powerful, it was my power.

You think I wanted to lose my new flat bench max? And my phat fuckable butt? Hell no. So I held that 40-50 extra pounds of weight...I tolerated that windedness, the tight clothes, the elevated heart rates after a short walk, that sweating for no god-damn reason, for upwards of three years, all out of fear I'd lose my only perceived source of love: my fuckability and my ability to lift.

I'd intermittently get plump and "bulk," and lean out, on repeat for close to another 8 years, never quite seeing the man I wanted to see in the mirror. Sure I'd take a pic and be like, "not bad," but for the most part, I looked soft, sometimes bulky depending on what "phase" of body I was in. Generally, I'd say looking back, I probably looked my best when I was little more slim. If I'm being honest, at the time, having a fuckable butt was something I was scared to lose. Doesn't that sound crazy? Or does it sound common? I can't imagine feeling that way now.

So what changed? Well, I had broken up with my boyfriend around 2019. It was a horrible relationship but the sex was great (a recurring theme I'll touch on later.) I had badmouthed steroids for years, always said I wanted to be natural or "natty." (If any of this sounds familiar, it's because you've probably heard some little newbie at the gym or commenting on a muscle head's social media post spouting the same nonsense...) But, I had said, almost as if I had planned it, "if we break up I'm *doing* steroids." As fate would have it, a coworker of mine offered me some old vials of unused prescription testosterone right around when that relationship finally ended. He committed a felony by distributing them; I committed one by accepting them. I always pictured the exchange of controlled substances as some dark-alley deal but, no, I had done so right in the comfort of my office. Just before the COVID pandemic picked up steam in the United States, I'll never forget injecting that little fucking 0.25 mL dose into my left buttock, right outside my gym in the parking lot in the front seat of my car. Oh, the excitement.

For those of you who don't know, 0.25 mL of testosterone is nothing. I was basically partially shutting down my testicular function and replacing it with injectable testosterone. It was lol-able to those in the know, because I did this for many weeks. This should signal just how blind I was to what on earth I was doing. But I finally talked around and got the courage to do more. Fuck, I felt great when I bumped my dose to 0.75. I started seeing a pretty good change until I ran out. So I read up on cycling and took the dive. I bought some overseas gear...the big stuff. T cyp and tren. Oh fuck yea, I dove head first. I was ready. And being the black-and-white codependent muscle head FUCK I was, I said "If I'm going to do this, I'm going to just go full tilt" I was injecting around 500 mg T cyp and around 700 mg Tren E on that first cycle. I ate like a pig, because I was so toxically attached to this idea of "holding onto it" after I came off cycle. Fuck I was plump. I was PLUUMMP. I also fucked like a pig, ready to go just about any time, anywhere, and damn near down to do just about whatever nasty masculine activity with another dude you can think of (damn near....not completely lol)

Then, around week 9 or so, I started to feel sick. Just generally sick. But I pushed and I pushed, kept injecting, kept eating, kept lifting. I checked my labs and they were a wreck. An inflammatory marker said I had a 30% chance of a heart attack in the next year. My cholesterol was through the roof. Yup. I can't imagine why! Naturally, I stopped right around week 12. Let me just say, no amount of PCT (post-cycle therapy) could prepare me for the crash 2-3 weeks post cycle. I suddenly was not a god. I was not a sex pig. I was not veined and horned. I was...depressed, sad, emotional, dumpy. But, it bounced back and I felt normal once again.

Then I received my "invitation."

[kinetic-elaboration]

September 17: Latest Writing Thoughts

Sigh. Okay. So. I don’t really want to look around at the ruined wreckage of this weekend because I’m tired of that and also it’s depressing and I feel guilty. Also the next couple of days are going to be really hard and I just am nervous and overwhelmed about them. I just don’t want to deal with literally anything!

Instead I will look at the ruined wreckage of me trying to write! This longfic is getting really tough and I’m judging myself for thinking I could write this ‘fast’ and ‘it won’t be that hard.’ I sort of want to take a break but I also think that would be a horrible idea because then I’d have to get back into it later. Also I’ve already taken/been taking a break and it’s definitely making it harder and not easier. It’s just tough to keep everything straight now that it’s getting so long and it’s tough to do the repeat-scenes that are part of the time loop and I’m also, not gonna lie, just getting tired of it. Like I want to write something totally different, different setting, mood, etc.

I did write a scene today. It took me a long time to work up the courage to do it and it was only the one and I’m not sure how I feel about it (the desire to post the beginning just to maybe get feedback is so strong but I’m resisting! I’m resisting!!). It felt like a struggle. A part of me… sort of wants to re-write it but it also doesn’t feel worth it. I would rather say good enough and move on than get bogged down in retreading something I’ve already done. I’m also way too close to it at this exact moment to make that call but like that’s where I am emotionally. I don’t hate all of it but I don’t like the pacing. It feels forced, slow, choppy, and OOC.

…Okay, I’ve read it again and there’s only one sub-section of the scene, actually pretty small, while I faltered and slowed it down too much. I think I can fix this in editing. I still don’t love the scene but like… this fic is really long, friends. It’s long. I’m serious about how long it is. So, it’s not all going to be flawless.

In terms of other ideas, other stuff I’ve been thinking about. I definitely want to do Troped Halloween but I haven’t thought too much about that yet (a problem). Same for my Halloween ficlets. I am INSISTENT I do them again this year after a break of several years. And honestly… the time to start brainstorming seriously is now. But I haven’t done that either.

That pic of Jarod Joseph and Jon Whitesell from a week or two ago like burned itself into my brain and I’ve been thinking about Miller projects. He’s not in the current fic, he’s only mentioned in SGAU, and it’s just generally been a while since I really used him in anything. I was re-reading some old ficlets, thinking about favorite headcanons and the particular ideas I kept coming back to… won’t lie they all still intrigue and interest me, even now. I’ve been thinking about adding to Press Play (not even something on the WIP list!!! What is wrong with me???), thinking a very little about the Ark AU and about the old Chopped/Troped time loop fic that I want to reconfigure as not a time loop but don’t know how, and, as I mentioned yesterday, the Miller/Bellamy road trip fic that just grows in scope every time I look at it. Even though I’m so notoriously bad at actually writing chapter fics or longfics! I mean hell one-shots take me long enough!

So, that’s what’s on my mind. I am trying to be optimistic. I know I say that every week and they all just pummel me and nothing ever gets better. But I will keep trying. I have some vacation days I need to use up so I’ll be taking some long weekends in the near future. I hope that, plus maybe some cooler temperatures (please for the love of God let it get cooler), will maybe help me get myself together, personally and creatively.

[goldenchan-fx2thepeacock]

Friendly Neighbourhood Phantom

rKay, y’all remember how I said I would write a fic for that one post I reblogged? Well, Wattpad still hates me, but here ya go.

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Danny was bored. He’d finally mastered the powers that decided to show up when he ‘died’ in the portal accident, but nothing was happening. Not that it was bad, just boring. He felt like he should do something. And when he overheard Sam talking about volenteering, he got an idea.  “Sam, what was that thing you were talking about volenteering for?” He asked. “Oh, it’s a soup kitchen not far from here. You thinking about helping out?” she replied. “Well, yeah. I was thinking about using these powers for something useful,” “Danny, that’s genius. But volenteering is a big step. Maybe you could just help out people in ghost form?” “Huh, that’s not a bad idea. Thanks Sam!” He ran to class.

After school, he put his backpack down and changed. The first few times it was painful, but now it was a numb tingling sensation. He knew about the more sketchy areas in town and sped off. 

He set down in a playground with a bunch of kids. There was one sitting off on her own. She was glumly playing with the sand.  “Hey kid, want to play a game?” He asked. She stared at him. At first, she seemed startled, but she smiled. “Yeah! Let’s play hide and seek!” She giggled. He smiled. “Okay, I’ll count to ten and you go hide. Just don’t leave the playground,” He turned around and closed his eyes. She giggled and ran off. Once he finished counting to ten, he turned back around. He heard giggling from her, but decided to wander when looking for her. “Oh my gosh, you’re so good at hiding. I wonder where you could be,” He heard giggling behind him. After looking around a few trees, he acted like he’d just spotted the play structure. “Maybe you’re hiding in here?” He peeked under the structure. She giggled up at him. “You found me! Now it’s your turn to hide!” She ran off to the tree. He dashed into the slide and hid just in view. She spotted him immediately. “Ha! I found you!” “You did!” they played a few more rounds. 

They were the only ones left when her dad showed up.  “Iliana? Where are you?” He yelled. She dashed out from the play structure.  “Right here daddy!” She yelled and ran over to Danny. He smiled at her and waved goodbye.  “Iliana! That’s dangerous, don’t play with demons,” The dad snatched her away from Danny.  “He’s not a demon!” Iliana said. “I’ve heard about things like you,” The dad narrowed his eyes at Danny. “Stay away from my daughter,” “We were just playing hide and seek!” Danny protested. “And I’m not a demon,” “Preying on children is wrong. Go back to hell,” Danny held back the tears and left. He knew the feeling. Transphobes liked to tell him to go to hell, but this was horrible. 

Once he got home and finished his homework, he looked through his insta. Then he got a random idea. He went to the account blurb and clicked “make new account”. He took a selfie in his ghost form and set it as his profile pic. What to call it? He drummed his fingers on the desk and an idea came to him. He typed it in. Danny Phantom. He posted a bunch of anti bullying posts and selfies. He’d take pictures when volenteering as Phantom and put them up. 

When he got to school in the morning, there was the usual buzz. Sam looked at him. Tucker was on vacation for a few more days.  “So, how’d ‘volenteering’ go?” she asked. “Pretty good. I played hide and seek with a little girl. Is that a good start?” “Sounds good to me. But pretty good with you usually means that something happened,” She knew him too well. “I got called a demon,” He snapped. She grimaced. “Oh, Danny. I’m sorry. What was it?” “I think it’s just the whole ghost thing. I doubt he could tell I’m trans,” “Well, that’s gotta count for something!” “Maybe,” He sat down in Lancer’s class and pulled out a notebook.  “Anything else happen?” “I started an account on Instagram for ghost me. I called it Danny Phantom. Should be easy enough to find,” “Don’t you think anyone’ll notice the parralels between that and Danny Fenton?” “The people here are too stupid to guess that. Besides, no one’s gonna connect the dots between me and a random ghost,” “Good point,” Lancer walked into the class.  “Alright class, you know the drill,” Danny pulled out the novel they were reading this week. 

Danny spent the rest of the week helping out in random ways and putting the pictures up on insta. Maybe it was kinda cheap, but unlike some accounts he’s seen, he was doing it solely for the purpose of raising awareness, not to make a good face. There were a few other derogatory terms thrown his way, but it wasn’t horrible. Today, he was going to start volenteering for real. He set down in front of the soup kitchen.  “Listen, we don’t have soup till later. Come back then,” A guy wearing a big apron said. “Actually, I was going to volenteer to help out,” Danny said. The guy turned around.  “You got a bit of a look going on there. Why do you wanna volenteer?” “To help out the community. And I can’t help looking this way,” “Huh. Well, get an apron on and help me make this soup,” The guy turned around. Danny obliged.  “Uh, you never told me your name,” Danny said meekly. “Milton’s the name. And since I gave you mine, I’m gonna need yours,” “Danny,” “That all? No last name?” “You didn’t give me yours,” “Nah, but the kids like you usually boast about it. For a teen, you’re pretty humble,” “Thanks?” “Okay, enough small talk. Help me stir this while I get the other ingredients,” Milton thrust a long wooden spoon into Danny’s hands and walked off. Danny started stirring the big pot on the stove. He smiled and hummed a little tune to keep his attention. Milton walked back in. “No picture taking? You really are humble,”  “I guess it just didn’t occur to me. I mostly made my account to tell people to be nicer to the less fortunate,” (Yes, the first part is a Toph line, but less condesending in this case) He kept stirring but didn’t pull his phone out.  “You kids these days. Always an ulterior motive,” “I mean, I’m a ghost, so I could’ve been dead for hundreds of years for all you know,” Milton stared at him. “A ghost?”  “Jeez, don’t panic or anything. Not all ghosts are malevolent. And I’ve only been ‘dead’, per se, for about a month,” “I thought it was just dumb hair dye and contacts,” Milton gaped.  “Yeah, teenager just casually floats and nothing’s weird about that. Got the ingredients?” “Wha- oh yeah. Here,” Milton dumps the vegetable in the pot. “Sorry to scare you like that. I just didn’t want you calling me a demon or something when you found out,” “Why would anyone do that? Seems cruel,” “People don’t often care about anything but their prejudices,”  “Generalization or stereotype there?” “Stereotype. I guess. Let’s just make soup,” He wasn’t about to spill his troubles onto a random stranger. 

He stood in the window giving out soup. Sam was standing not far off taking pictures. He wasn’t completely sure if he should keep posting. But it was kinda late to do that now. Danny Phantom had started to gain attention Danny Fenton never would.  “What the hell? I didn’t know Milton was the type to let freaks help out,” One skinny teenager in ripped clothes said.  “I didn’t know there was a reason to not let a person help the less fortunate,” Danny handed him a bowl of soup.  “Sorry man. I guess the stress of having to come here everyday is starting to get to me,” “It’s okay. When Milton takes his turn, wanna talk about it?”  “Thanks dude,” The skinny guy sat down at one of the many tables set up. “No problem. It’s the least I can do,” Danny smiled at him. Milton walked up behind him.  “I’ll take it for fifteen minutes. Ghost probably don’t need breaks, but I’d feel bad if I made you do all the work,” Danny nodded and ditched the apron. He phased through the wall and floated over to the skinny guy. 

The guy looked startled.  “You’re floating,” He stared at Danny’s feet.  “Ya know, probably could’ve told you that myself,” Danny smirked.  “Danny! Is your shift done or something?” Sam ran over.  “Nah, I just was gonna let this guy talk about his problems to someone,” “You’re a ghost,” The guy looked lost. “Yes and no. Semantics. Listen, I’m not here to tell you about my weird life. I’m here so you don’t completely lose it from having to support yourself,” “Thanks again for that. So your name is Danny?” “Yeah. This is Sam. What’s your name?” “Jack,” Danny held back the snort that came with thinking of his bumbling father. Bumbling couldn’t have been more accurate. Jack Fenton gave Danny bumblebee vibes.  “Nice to meet you Jack. What did you need to talk about?” Sam snorted behind Danny. “Shutup,” Danny slid into the seat across from Jack.  “What’s funny?” Jack said. “Nothing. My dad’s name is Jack and you look absoloutely nothing like him. Sam is drawing certain parralels that don’t need to be there,” “Your dad? Do ghosts have dads?” “Half ones do,” Sam said.  “We’re not talking about that. Why do you have to come here. You don’t look much older than 15,”  “If it weren’t for the glowy hair and eyes, I’d say you don’t look older than 12,” “I’m fourteen,” “Close enough,” “Whatever. Why do you come here?”

Danny became a hit with the soup kitchen users. He’d talk to people about they’re issues with an air of concern. He didn’t shut anyone down no matter how small the issue. Soon, he wasn’t a freaky prospect, he was the ghost who listened to people’s issues.  “I think we should get Jazz to help you out at the soup kitchen,” Tucker said one day at lunch. “I mean, she knows, so it can’t be that weird. It’ll give her some field experience with helping people out too. Yeah, that’ll work,” Danny took a bite out of the glowing sandwich.  “Are you sure that’s safe?” Sam poked it.  “Eating ectoplasm won’t kill me anymore than I already am,” “Touche,” Tucker said. “That’s not how touche works, at least I don’t think so,” Danny replied.  “And you’re in academic english,” Sam laughed. “You are too! And english is like, my worst class,”  “Fair enough. But yeah, getting Jazz to help out is a good idea,” She forked her veggy lasagna. “Okay! I’ll tell her tonight,”

The soup kitchen wasn’t the only place Danny volenteered. He kept up the random helping and stopped a few crimes when he came across them. It wasn’t like he went looking for crimes, but it came with the territory. He stopped a car crash one time. Danny Phantom slowly became a hit on Instagram. Danny had to turn off notifcations at night. He opened it and gaped.  “500 followers overnight! And it’s going up?! Holy shit,” He turned the notifications back off and did his morning routine. It was break day, so he glared at the sports bra he knew he’d have to wear.  “If I find that ghost boy, I’ll tear him apart molecule by molecule!” Jack Fenton said. Danny winced. It was normal at this point, but he didn’t like it very much. “Oh Jack. You know we should study it,” He head his mom say. Danny didn’t know what was worse, his dad’s threats of death or his mother’s dissociation.  “Dann-o! We’re going looking for the ghost boy today!” Jack said excitedly.  “What did he do wrong?” “Nothing, but he probably has an ulterior motive to all this helping stuff!” Jack replied. Danny sighed and pulled out the cereal.  “That’s the ecto contaminated cereal Danny,” Maddie said. Mom, that’s what he meant.  “Oh, whoops,” He put it back and grabbed a new box. “Why’re we keeping it anyways?” “It’s an experiment!” Mom replied.  “You guys and all your ridiculous ghost stuff need to stop it,” Jazz huffed as she walked down the stairs.  “But we have proof of ghosts now! And some of them can get they’re hands on human tech,” Jack- er Dad, said. “You mean social media? People could just taken random picture of a random guy doing that and made something out of it,” “He’s floating Jazzibear, that means something!” J- Dad said loudly.  “Photo editting,” Jazz knew it was hopeless, but she did it for Danny. “Believe what you want,” Dad grabbed some fudge from the fridge. 

Jazz and Danny walked to the soup kitchen. Well, Jazz walked and Danny floated. It was Saturday, so they were taking an all day shift.  “500 followers Jazz! That’s crazy for one night!” “That’s great!” “I know. Oh look, we’re here,” Danny sped over to the kitchen while Jazz sat at one of the tables. “Hey, it’s my favourite ghost,” Milton said. “More like the only ghost you know,” “Yeah, let’s stir this pot and make soup,” Milton laughed. Maybe everything wasn’t great, but Danny was okay with that. He smiled and stirred the pot of soup. 

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And, la fin. Maybe it sucks, but I felt like writing something for this. My first oneshot actually. Let me know if you want more of this! The idea came from a post I read by @redrobin-detective. I reblogged it for those who want to see the original concept. Sorry if my grammar is a little strange to you. I’m from Canada, and grammar here is different than the States. 

[whelvenwings]

Together in Paris

4.8k, destiel, AU (just after college), fake relationship, Jo & Dean friendship

Dean has been excited for months to go on vacation with his best friend, Jo. But as they post their pics on the trip, people back home keep commenting about what a great couple they are, and it's starting to make things awkward in their friendship. In front of a sunset backdrop by the Eiffel Tower, Dean decides to take things into his own hands, and manufacture a picture of a "real" romantic moment with someone who definitely isn't Jo. Only thing he needs to do now is find someone willing to pretend to be his partner for a picture...

read it here on AO3 if you prefer!

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“She’s commented again.”

“Ugh. Don’t even tell me what she said.” Parisian sunlight was reflecting off Dean’s sunglasses. It was too hot to wear a jacket, and he felt strangely exposed walking up the avenue with just a t-shirt and jeans on. Beside him, Jo was walking with her eyes on her phone, silently scrolling. Dean waited a few seconds, and then said impatiently,

“Well, tell me, then.”

Jo made a little noise of annoyance and scrolled back up on her Instagram feed to the picture the two of them had posted earlier that day, grinning into the camera with Jo’s arm slung around Dean’s shoulders.

“She said, oh-em-gee you lovebirds are so cute together. ”

“Oh-em-gee?”

Jo held the phone out for Dean to see. Under the pic, Dean could see the comment Jo had read out next to the handle lisa_baeden.

“How many times do we have to tell her,” Dean said.

“I don’t know. But I’m getting real done with it. People I actually want to date think something’s happening between us, too. They’re getting put off by you.”

“Seriously?”

“Well, it was one time. And it might be more to do with the fact that I spent our whole first date talking about the work I’m getting done at the bar to fix the place up. Didn’t notice his eyes glazing over, but I didn’t get a second date, so.”

“He sounds like a jerk, anyway.”

“You never met him,” Jo said, squinting back down at her phone.

“Anyone who doesn’t want a second date with you is a jerk.”

Jo grinned at him.

“You’re a nerd. But thanks.” She glanced back down at her phone. “Okay, I think it’s just this way…”

“It’s way too hot for this,” Dean said.

“Not complaining, are we? Like I said that you would, when you asked to go see the Eiffel Tower right now, this afternoon, even though it’s going to be way less warm tomorrow?”

“Complaining? No,” Dean said hastily. “No, I’m just, uh. Just sayin’. It’s pretty hot. Look, the sunset’s supposed to be real nice tonight…”

Jo shrugged.

“You know that if we post any pics with it, everyone’s just gonna say that we’re dating again, right?”

Dean made a noise that was both acknowledgement and irritation. When he had Jo had planned this trip together as a big blow-out spending spree after their first paycheck in their first jobs after college, it had felt like a great idea. For two weeks, though, their Paris pics had been subject to their friends’ wink emojis and innuendos. Jo’s mother had even called to ask if they were getting married. There were only so many times that they could reply to insist that the two of them were what they’d been pretty much from day one of meeting each other: best friends. Close, understanding each other in a way that not many others did - they’d come out to each other first in college - but in a way that was not and had never been even slightly romantic. They were easy around each other. It had always felt natural.

“Just a bit further…” Jo said, as they walked past the Café du Trocadéro and crossed a busy road.

“Maybe I’ll take a picture with someone else,” Dean said, narrowing his eyes even behind his sunglasses as the shade of the buildings faded and they were hit with the full glare of the lowering sun. “And just tell everyone I’m dating them so they leave us alone.”

“Nice,” Jo said. “Okay, I think it’s - oh!”

She caught sight of the tower just as Dean did; walking out onto the Place du Trocadéro, a wide square with an elegant black-and-white floor, they found themselves among a bustling crowd of other tourists gathered to get their snaps and see the view. She and Dean paused, looking over towards the Eiffel Tower and the horizon beyond. The sky was already beginning to paint itself in delicate pinks and oranges, little breaths of softness after the hard and blazing blue of a cloudless day. The metal tower with its latticework made a striking silhouette.

Jo put her head on one side after a few moments.

“I mean,” she said, “not bad.”

“Yeah,” Dean replied. “It’s okay.”

“Like, I mean, it’s a little…” She tilted her hand from side to side.

“Well, it’s not the Lawrence, Kansas skyline, is it,” Dean said.

“Not even close,” Jo said seriously.

“But it’ll do, I guess.”

They grinned at each other. As the sun began to truly set, they took snaps of each other posing in front of the tower, some of them trying to look nice, others just derpy selfies with their tongues out. After a while, they went and sat on the steps to the back of the square, and Jo pulled up Instagram.

“You’re not gonna post, are you?” Dean said.

“They’re not gonna stop me from being that obnoxious vacation selfie person,” Jo said. “I don’t care if everyone thinks we’re married with eight kids by the time we get home.”

She sounded the same kind of determined that she’d once sounded when she’d insisted she’d be fine to go to her ex’s birthday party in their second year of college. The night had ended with a lot of crying in the back of a taxi, if Dean remembered right. He didn’t bring it up, though. He just shrugged and kept looking out over the view.

He was going to miss this, when he was back home. And he was going to miss this city, Paris. He’d heard so much about it - it was always hyped up so high - that he’d thought it could only disappoint. But it was awesome, he had to admit it. Around every corner was a new wonder. Going home would mean finding a new fast-food outlet on each corner, instead. And speaking of food, the restaurants here were incredible; Dean had never eaten so well. Starting every day with a different pastry from the patisserie nearest their hotel… he was going to miss it. Horribly.

Jo put her phone down.

“There,” she said. “Done.”

He could tell by the way that she said it, she wasn’t sure that she’d done the right thing. 

“It doesn’t matter what they think,” Dean said.

“I know that,” Jo said. “But they think that what they think matters. It’s just aggravating.”

“I know.” Dean grinned at her. “Wanna go get something to eat?”

“We only just ate!”

“It was five hours ago. At least.”

“Just a few more minutes up here. Maybe we’ll never be able to come back. This might be our only chance to sit and look at this view together.” She paused, and then said, “Not in like a… I don’t mean, like…” She sounded awkward and Dean realised she’d noticed the romantic way that what she’d said could have been taken. He grimaced internally. Those damn comments were getting in her head.

“It’s all good,” he said. “It’s - this is - it’s nice, yeah.”

The silence was one with zero chemistry. There was no charge between them. Or at least, nothing that Dean could feel; he just didn’t know where to look, didn’t know if he should be saying more. 

“Do you ever wish things were… you know… different between us?” Jo asked.

“I mean… no,” Dean said. “Honestly.”

“Okay. Good. Me either. I just don’t want you to think that I’m sitting here wishing anything.”

“Nah, man. Nothin’ like that. I mean, everyone’s thinking I’m the sad sack in those comments, anyway. Not you. Everyone’s always kinda assumed I’m the one who - you know. And you don’t… yeah.”

“Yeah,” Jo said quietly.

“Can’t get their heads around the idea that I might just wanna be your friend. Not waiting for anything.”

“Fucking When Harry Met Sally bullshit,” Jo said, with feeling.

“Yeah.” Dean looked down at the white stone floor they were sitting on. If he was honest, it hadn’t always been easy going through college with everyone constantly looking down on him just a little, thinking that he was playing the long game to try to get with Jo. No one had ever taken him at his word that he just really, really goddamn liked her as a friend - no one other than his own brother Sam, who knew him well enough to be able to tell without being told.

Jo’s phone dinged with her Instagram notification noise, and Dean winced. She pulled it out, and spent a few seconds reading - and then made a furious little sound.

“Hmm?” Dean said, unwillingly.

“They’re jerks,” Jo muttered vehemently. “Total jerks.”

“What’s it say?”

“Nothing.”

“That bad?”

Jo winced.

“C’mon. I’m gonna see it sometime.”

Jo turned the phone towards him with obvious reluctance. Dean leaned closer to read it.

lisa_baeden pls tell me there’s gonna be a ring when you get home !! crossroadscrowley nice guys finish last. but they do finish meg_a_big_deal lol is dean finally getting it? took him long enough bellabela oh jo honey no you didn’t start dating stalker dean

“Stalker?” Dean said, trying to sound normal.

“That’s Bela. You remember her. The one who made, like, three different people quit classes she was in, just by being awful to them.”

“Oh, uh-huh. Yeah.” Dean could feel anger building up inside. Stalker? Finally getting it? How many times did he have to tell people that he wasn’t into Jo that way? How many people thought he was a hopeless loser because of this?

Enough was enough.

“You know what? I’m blocking her,” Jo said.

Enough was enough.

“No,” Dean said. Jo looked over at him, surprised.

“But she’s -”

“She’s about to find out that I’m not into you that way,” Dean said, standing up and brushing his clothes down. “How do I look?”

“Uh…?” Jo said.

“Great. Good. Hey, does anyone here speak English? Anybody? Uh, parlay-view… english… madame? Monsieur?” Dean turned left and right, trying to catch the eyes of anyone walking past. A few people shrugged him off with a weird look, and one couple actively stepped away from him. Dean looked back towards Jo, who was looking mortified and also giggling. “Anyone?” Dean said. “English?”

“I speak English,” said a voice behind Dean. 

A deep voice.

A really nice deep voice.

Dean turned around. Standing there in front of him was - holy crap. 

Blue eyes, dark hair, a sharp jawline and a solemn expression. The guy had a t-shirt on that showed his huge arms. He was muscular, athletic . He looked like he could easily lift Dean up off the ground.

Focus. Dean needed to focus.

“Hey,” he said. “Hi. Thanks for stopping.”

“Hello,” said the stranger. “Can I help you? Are you lost?”

“Yeah - I mean, no, not lost,” Dean said. Lost in your eyes, maybe, said the worst corner of his brain. “Uh, but maybe you could help. See, it’s kind of a weird situation, but - you see this girl just here?”

“Dean…” Jo groaned, burying her face in her hands. “Don’t bring me into this.”

“I see her,” the stranger said, a little uncertainly.

“Okay, so. This is gonna sound… like...” Dean might have stopped there, lost confidence, if the guy had made the wrong face. Instead, Dean was faced with an expression of accepting curiosity that kept him talking. “The thing is, we’re on vacation together, as friends. But everyone at home keeps assuming we’re together, and they’re being assholes about it. We wanna convince them nothing’s happening between us. So, uh.” Dean bit his lip. 

Somehow, it was only just dawning on him that the guy might really not be into the idea that Dean was about to propose. In fact, depending on how much the guy wasn’t into it, this could be the start of a very bigoted reaction from a very beautiful stranger. But Dean had come this far with his focus so complete on his plan that he’d forgotten homophobia was even a thing - and now the guy was looking at him with sincere curiosity, and Dean didn’t know what else to say but the truth.

“So,” he said awkwardly, “the thing I wanted to ask was… well...” He rubbed the back of his neck - and in that moment, he saw light dawn in the guy’s eyes.

“You should take a picture with someone else to show that you’re not together,” the guy said. “A couple picture.”

Dean blinked.

“Holy crap,” Dean heard Jo say.

“Uh… yeah,” Dean said. “I mean… yeah, that was exactly it.” Was his plan the obvious one to make, or were he and this guy just both the same wavelength of weird? Either way, the guy was nodding, and Dean’s heart leapt.

“It’s a good tactic,” the stranger said. “I think you’ll convince a lot of people that your relations with this person are strictly platonic, particularly if she is the one to post the picture. Perhaps with a supportive caption.”

“Damn,” Jo said.

“Yeah,” Dean said, still feeling as though he’d had the Parisian stone floor swept out from under his feet. “Yeah, so, I was thinking, maybe it’d work to go over and stand in front of the sunset, and…”

“Absolutely. We should find you someone to take the picture with.”

Dean’s mouth fell open.

“Oooh,” he heard Jo wince.

“Uh, right,” Dean said. “Yeah.”

“Do you have any gender preference?”

Now, there was a question. The guy was looking at Dean frankly. It was a simple request for information; there was no promise of judgement in his eyes.

“No,” Dean said. “I’m bi.” The stranger nodded. And there, in front of the Eiffel Tower at sunset, Dean had the least stressful coming-out he’d ever experienced in his entire life.

“Hmm. You probably want someone you find good-looking, to be able to perform the role to maximum effect,” the stranger said. “Let me see. What do you think of that one, over there? I could ask them if they’d be willing to…”

He started to ramble, pointing out different tourists. Dean glanced down at Jo, who was watching the scene in front of her unfold with obvious enjoyment. She wiggled her eyebrows at Dean when he caught her eye, and jerked her head towards the stranger.

Dean shook his head.

She pulled a face, and nodded her head towards him again.

Dean’s head-shake became more fervent.

Jo rolled her eyes, and lifted up her phone, which still had the worst Instagram comments up on the screen.

Dean wavered.

“- I know you don’t speak French,” the guy was saying, “and she was speaking French, but I think I could ask her for you. I’m not fluent but I know enough to get by, and -”

“How about we just do it?” Dean said abruptly.

The stranger stopped short, turning away from his crowd of potentially alluring tourists to look at Dean.

“I mean,” Dean said, feeling his heart starting to thud, “unless you don’t want to. This is, uh. Just, well. I don’t know.”

“Are you sure you could look as though you were attracted to me?” the man said seriously - not as though he doubted his own attractiveness, and more in the tone of voice that he might use to verify Dean’s thoughts on the weather.

“Um,” Dean said, “yeah? I mean, yeah… yeah.” Each time he said it, he tried to sound more casual. Each time, it came out slightly less so.

The guy seemed to look at Dean - really look at him - for the first time. He appeared to consider for a half-second, and then Dean noticed a smile at the corners of the guy’s mouth.

Dean found himself smiling, too, and then they were both just looking at each other and smiling and not saying anything, but it didn’t feel weird. It felt good. Or maybe it did feel a little weird, but it was the same wavelength of weird.

Around them, people were chattering and walking around the square.

“Then let’s take the picture,” the guy said.

“Okay. Okay, great. Uh, Jo?”

“I’m on it,” Jo said; she already had her phone up, camera on them. “Let’s just go a little further over this way, so there’s not so many people in the background, and we get the skyline… yeah, great. Awesome. Now, look coupley.”

Dean thought his face might actually be going red. His arms felt too big. He met the guy’s eyes, and shrugged. This was ridiculous, he told himself. This was ridiculous, and it was also somehow the best part of the entire vacation so far, and he hadn’t quite lost that smile.

“Uh…” he said. “Okay. I’ll just…”

He put his arm around the guy’s shoulder.

“I’m going to put my hand on your hip,” the stranger said gravely.

Please absolutely do it, said Dean’s mind.

“Cool,” Dean said aloud. When the guy’s hand touched him, he swallowed.

“You look a little stiff,” Jo said, moving the phone around and trying different angles. “Try talking with each other. You know, just have some fun with it.”

“I believe they call it a candid,” the guy said.

“Exactly. Dean, this guy’s a pro.”

“Are you?” Dean asked, only half-joking. “Do you really pull social media heists for money?”

The stranger smiled.

“No. Do you?”

“Hope I’d be better at it, if I did,” Dean said. His arm on the guy’s shoulder did feel awkward. He shifted, pulling the guy in a little closer, and then half-smiling in embarrassment. Jo was snapping away in the meantime. “Sorry, uh…”

“No, it’s good. We should pretend to laugh at a joke together. That’s very candid.”

“Really? Okay. Maybe you should actually tell a joke, first. So that we have something to laugh at.”

“Very well.” The guy paused, looking thoughtful. After a moment, he said, “Why was six afraid of seven?”

Dean snorted, just at the familiar set-up.

“I don’t know,” he said, going along with it.

“Because,” the stranger said, “seven is a prime number, and prime numbers can be intimidating.”

Dean was almost annoyed at himself for laughing. He’d just been expecting the usual slightly lame punchline, and the guy’s answer took him by surprise, and next thing he knew he was freaking chuckling for a whole few seconds while the man beside him looked very pleased with himself, that small smile back on his face.

“Great,” Jo said. “Let’s try a few more…”

“We could pose… like this…” The guy reached over and took Dean’s hand.

“Oh, yeah, that’s good.” They held the stance for a few seconds. “Or, we could be kinda facing each other… yeah, if you turn, too…”

Jo was snapping pictures as they tried out different ways of standing, different poses, different expressions.

“Looking awesome, guys,” she kept saying. “Mmm-hmmm, keep going, this is great.”

“You could… on my cheek…” The guy raised an eyebrow as Dean broke off.

“You want me to…”

“Only if you, uh, you want to -”

The guy leaned in and pressed a kiss to Dean’s cheek. Jo came in close, capturing the moment; Dean thought maybe his face wouldn’t look happy so much as taken by complete surprise - but it was definitely a very good surprise, so he could hope it was still a good photo.

“Great,” Jo said. “Good. We’ve probably got enough to...”

“You should kiss me,” the guy said.

Dean, who had been about to extricate himself from what had definitely become an embrace as they’d got more comfortable with posing together, stopped moving.

“Like… on the… cheek?” Dean asked.

“If you prefer.”

Dean looked over at Jo, who nodded and brought her phone camera back up, ready. He leaned in, and pecked the guy on the cheek. It was a brief, dry kind of kiss, a lot less nice than the one the guy had given him. The guy didn’t pull away, though. 

Under Dean’s lips, his skin had felt soft, but Dean had been able to feel the slight stubble where his afternoon shadow was coming in.

“Okay,” Jo said. “So -”

“No, wait, I can do that better.” Dean met the guy’s eyes, and he made a sure, continue kind of face, so Dean leaned in again. This time he gave it a little more, pressing a little harder, letting his lips be a little softer. And when he pulled away, he didn’t go too far. The guy smelled amazing. He was so close, and he was turning to look at Dean, his eyes flicking down to Dean’s lips.

The moment wavered, tilted, balanced...

“You should kiss me,” the stranger said again.

Dean did not need telling thrice.

This time, he slid his hand under the guy’s chin and held him, carefully, as he kissed his lips. That would look good for the picture, right? The stranger moved with him, one hand shifting up to the back of Dean’s neck and holding him steady as he kissed back; under his touch, Dean’s whole mind was an uproarious pounding fluttering blank, a delighted whirl. He was kissing a stranger in front of the Eiffel Tower. He was kissing a stranger, and the stranger was good at kissing - and then Dean stopped thinking about where he was and what was happening around them altogether when the guy carefully opened his mouth just a little, and Dean felt the guy’s tongue brush ever so lightly against his lower lip. 

Now there was no tower, no sunset, no photos, no performance. The kiss deepened, hands tightened. The guy pulled back just long enough to tilt his head the other way and then came back, his hold on Dean’s neck keeping Dean steady in place as he did so - and when that grip moved up into Dean’s hair, Dean heard himself make a noise in the back of his throat that couldn’t be mistaken for anything other than sheer enjoyment. He pushed harder into the kiss, taking control, and the guy let him - let the way they touched become a little rougher, just for a few moments, and then the lightest of touches on Dean’s cheek soothed the wave of urgency between them and they eased, gently, apart.

The guy came back for another quick kiss, once.

Twice.

Dean opened his eyes. He thought for a second he might literally see stars.

The stranger was looking at him. From the expression on his face, he was looking for those stars, too.

Dean swallowed.

“Uh,” he said. “Hey.”

“Hello,” the stranger said.

“That…”

“Yes.”

Dean wanted more, but he didn’t want to push his luck or make the guy uncomfortable. It was still possible that this was all just for a photo in his mind. Dean couldn’t keep the smile off his face, though, at the thought of what they’d just done. His mind was already playing the memory back for him in hungry detail. The way the guy had held him, had let him take control and then taken it back, the give and take, the -

Dean really wanted more.

The guy, though, was moving away just a little further - and then he held out his hand.

“I’m Castiel,” he said.

Dean felt a big grin unfurl on his face.

“Dean,” he managed, shaking the guy’s hand. It was all he could do not to use that hand to pull this guy - Castiel? - back into a kiss. “Uh, Castiel’s not a name I’ve heard before.”

“Yes. It’s unusual, I know…”

“No, it - I mean, yeah, but it’s real nice. I like it.” Dean turned to look at Jo, remembering that she was there for the first time in a minute or so. Jo was standing and watching them both, a huge grin on her face. Dean became suddenly very conscious of the fact that he’d just made out with someone in front of her. He pulled a little further away from Castiel, but not too far. Still close enough for their arms to be touching.

“You know,” Jo said, “I think that was probably just about convincing enough.”

“Right. Yeah. Great, good.” Dean looked over at the stranger he’d just kissed, and then found himself looking down and away with a half-smile on his face, like a school kid. “Awesome.”

“I’m gonna post this right now,” Jo said. “Also, hi, we didn’t really… I’m Jo, by the way.”

“Castiel,” said Castiel.

It would be weird for Dean to ask if he wanted to make out again. It would be super weird. Dean had the feeling, though, from the way Castiel glanced over towards him, that they were on it again, that same wavelength of weird.

“What are you doing this evening?” Dean asked.

Castiel smiled.

“No real plans,” he said. “This is my last day in Paris before heading back to the US. I was just thinking I would walk around alone, and enjoy a few of the sights one last time.”

“Ah,” Dean said.

“But I did already see them,” Castiel said.

“Oh?”

“Yes. Probably enough times.”

“You think so?”

“I do.”

“And the alone thing…”

“I think I’ve had enough time alone, in fact.”

He said the words with a little more feeling than Dean had been expecting - and somehow, he knew exactly what Castiel meant.

“Aaaaand, posted,” Jo said. “Also, I’m glad you’re making plans, because I’m pretty sure if you kiss a guy like that and then don’t take him out to dinner after, every true-blooded Parisian romantic in a five-mile radius will physically attack you. And they’ll have to get in line behind me, so.”

Dean snorted.

“It doesn’t have to be… I mean… it’s just… I mean…” he trailed off, with no idea where he’d even been going with that sentence when he’d started it. He caught Jo’s eye, and she raised an eyebrow. He screwed up his courage, and looked back to Castiel. “Would you let me take you out to dinner tonight?”

Castiel smiled that little smile of his.

“Yes,” he said. “Yes, please.”

  ---

  In her hotel room, lounging in a decadently thick bathrobe on her lush king-sized bed, Jo heard a notification on her phone and reached to pick it up.

She opened her latest message: a picture from Dean. A selfie of Dean himself and Castiel, with their faces touching so that they could squeeze the Eiffel Tower into the background of the picture.

He lives in Missouri. Not far. Fuck yeah??, read the text that came with it.

Fuck YEAH, she replied. 

Dean’s response came quickly.

Thanks for everything today. Jo grinned.

Dork, she texted back.

Nerd.

Jo rolled her eyes, and was about to put her phone away when she saw an Instagram notification flash up at the top of the screen. She opened the app, her eyes narrowed in anticipation. She’d chosen the very best of the pics she’d snapped of Dean and Castiel to post. There was no way anyone could be in any doubt that the two of them had some kind of instant magical connection. Right?

lisa_baeden omg jo I didn’t know you and dean had an open relationship !!

Jo closed her eyes. She counted to ten. She made the effort to loosen her grip on the phone in her hand. Even so, when she opened her eyes, she was still on the point of launching her phone across the room at the wall directly opposite her -

Another notification. Jo didn’t know if she could stand it - but then she saw who it was from.

lisa_baeden just kidding ! Love you guys and this is so cute, vacation romance… jealous xoxo

Setting her phone down, Jo breathed out. 

No counting her chickens before they hatched, but maybe, just possibly, she’d now be able to hang out with her best friend without anyone insisting they knew the relationship better than she did. With a smile, she picked up the hotel phone. One round of room service hadn’t been enough.

And across the city, outside a little bar deep in a warren of streets, Dean was leaning against a wall and being kissed by Castiel. The stone was cool against his back, Castiel pressing warm against his front. No one disturbed them. They kissed in quiet, enjoying each other’s touch, opening up under each other’s hands.

After some time, they pulled apart.

“Dean… contrary to how it may have come across,” Castiel murmured, “I do like to take things slowly, most of the time.”

“I can do slowly.”

“You’re sure?”

Dean didn’t know how to explain that if he could, he’d preserve himself in this exact moment like a bug in amber, and just live in it. This exact moment, here, now. All the hope, all the promise. The way Castiel looked at him. The way Dean knew that if he even just tilted his chin up a little, Castiel would kiss him again, like he wanted. He didn’t want to move from this, and exactly this. It filled him up.

“I’m sure,” he said.

They wandered the city until late, far too late. But Dean didn’t want them to go back to their hotels and be alone. When dawn came, it found them sleepy-eyed, looking out over the river, milky in the first light.

“Come back to my room,” Dean said. “Just to sleep.”

And so they went home together. As they would do, from that point on.

[honeyparker]

i miss you — p.p.

summary: you had thought peter would always love you too, but it seems you were wrong. and you’re stuck missing him.

a/n: wow it’s been so long. everything is so hectic and when i have time to write, i lean towards writing my book!! that’s right, i’m writing a book! anyway, enjoy this lil request, even though it’s so bad

masterlist

You stare at the picture on your phone, watching two people whom you don’t quite recognize anymore smile happily together, their arms around each other and cheeks flushed pink. It’s hard to believe that once that was what Peter and you looked like when you were together, happy and so in love. It’s also hard to believe that that has changed—that Peter has most probably moved on and you should be on your way as well. So, why is it so hard?

   You want to call him. You do, oh so badly. You want to pick up the phone and tell him how much you miss him and that even if he doesn’t miss you, you’ll always miss him and always be there. But you shake your head when you realize how pathetic that sounds and how he’s so unattainable in his far off vacation in Europe. How, even if he was in New York, he’d still be unattainable. With Ned and Betty—who, together, make an adorable couple, you think—and Peter and MJ.

   MJ. Beautiful MJ who no doubt has Peter wrapped around her pretty little finger by now, who no doubt by now has Peter forgetting all about you. Beautiful, perfect MJ who seems to be everything you think you’re not. Beautiful, perfect MJ who brings out this horrible fire in you. This horrible fire that you can keep contained, lid on tight and never to be led out. A sweet enough girl, surely she’d have to be for Peter to choose her company, but aggravating all the same. You know you wouldn't feel this way if they were simply friends, but evidently, they're not, and you wish it didn't hurt you as much as it did. But, pathetically enough, there’s nothing to do about it, except try to extinguish the fire.

You watch as the four of them post pictures of their grand time, heart panging with unrequited love and longing. You begin to wonder if it’s worse to love and to lose than to never love at all. If you had never loved Peter, and he had never loved you, it would’ve just been a sad crush you could've gotten over. But after loving Peter Parker for all these years, after two years of cherishing and loving and appreciating him, to have him slip your fingers—the bare thought of it is painful. It hurts and it’s like your heart is in a knot, completely unattainable and tied and wound so tightly that even the most skilled of fingers couldn't undo. Nothing could undo what Peter’s love did to you.

As sad as you are, you know Peter Parker deserves to move on. You know he has when Ned begins to ignore you in the hallway and he himself  doesn't wait for you after your class like he did even before the two of you began dating. It’s over. All of it. But you get a slight twinge of hope when you realize that he hasn't told Aunt May, realization hitting you when your phone dings with a text from her. Of course he wouldn't tell her, she loved you two together more than anything, she did. You shut your phone off, sighing. Your lock screen comes up once again.

Your lock screen is one of the only pictures the two of you have together. Peter isn't the biggest fan of pictures. Or, at least, you thought. Until you saw all of them he’s been taking with MJ. People change, you tell yourself. It’s alright. It has nothing to do with me.

And since you didn't have many pictures, you relished in memories and texts. Good morning ones, goodnight ones. All of them, affection seemingly seeping from every word. Ones that brought smiles and pink cheeks.

Good morning, I love you. Good night, you looked so pretty today.

Good morning, excited for school today. School is great everyday because I get to see you. Good night. Your chem presentation was impeccable. Beautiful and smart. I got a good one.

Good morning, sunshine. You outshine every star in the sky. Good night. I miss you. Even though I saw you a couple hours ago.

Good morning. Can’t wait for our date today. Good night. You look more beautiful every single time I see you.

And then, the more simple ones. Filled with just as much sweetness.

Good morning. Make today great! Good night. I love you.

And the last text from him you received. Right after he broke up with you. I’m sorry. And that was that. Just like that. Over. Nothing left .

You suppose there’s a time when you’re supposed to let go, when seeing him with another girl doesn't make you feel the way it does. It makes you said, so sad you want to just cry forever and hole yourself up in your room in a blanket burrito, but there’s also melancholy happiness. Maybe she’ll bring him the kind of happiness and love I never could. Because, after all things, he deserves that at least. A hero deserves someone they love to come home to and kiss. You only wish that person was still you.

The text from Aunt May nags at you; it feels rude to ignore her, but what is there to do? It’s Peter’s choice when to tell his family. There’s no way you can make that choice, can you? Temptation gives in and you open it.

How’s Europe, sweetheart? Enjoy yourself and your time with Peter! Send pics!

Hi, Mrs. Parker, you type, I actually stayed back! Surprise, I’m still in New York! Peter seems to be having a lot of fun, I’m sure his pictures will be epic!

Not a lie, but sparing the truth.

The truth. Unwavering and persistent in its method, the truth is such: you will always love Peter Parker. That is not debatable. You had thought Peter would always love you too, but it seems you were wrong. And you’re stuck missing him.

[keelywolfe]

Drabble: Having Relations

Summary:  It's never good news when Red wants to have a conversation, no, but Stretch knows funny when he sees it.

Tags: Spicyhoney, Established Relationship, Fluff, Domestic, Humor, Red is a Brat and Deserves What He Gets, Chickens!!

Notes: Look, I laughed. That’s all I can say.

part of the ‘by any other name’ series.

Read it on AO3

or

Read it here!

~~*~~

Stretch was honestly starting to wonder if spring was ever coming. He understood the science behind the weather reports, but even with all the technology Humans had, they could be irritatingly vague.

At least in the Underground, you had a pretty good idea of what the hell you were getting into. Snowdin equals snow, Waterfall equals wet, Hotland equals horrible terrain where no one should exist. It was nice and straightforward.

Then again, being Aboveground was worth it for the sun.

It was shining down today despite how chilly it was and Stretch might tuck his hands into his hoodie, but he always let the sunshine fall on his skull.

The chickens didn’t give a damn what the weather was. All they wanted was to be out of the coop, pecking around the yard and clucking eagerly for scritches that Stretch was happy to give.

They tended to cluster around his feet. Nugget always had to check and make sure his shoelaces hadn’t become edible since last they’d met and when she discovered yet another day of disappointment, she joined the others hopefully scrounging for any bugs that might have come back early from winter vacation.

Watching them always filled him with a kind of contentment. He leaned back in his chair and lit a cigarette, then called out, “quit watching me like a creeper and come sit down.”

With a muted pop, Red appeared in the chair next to him. “eh, i wasn’t being a…hey!”

He stood up abruptly and made a decent attempt to glare at the chair and Stretch at the same time.

“don’t look at me, if you’d spied on me sooner, you would’ve seen me wipe my chair off.” He tossed the damp cloth over to Red. “what’s up?”

Red gave the chair a cursory swipe then sat back down. His scowl vanished into a toothy grin. “can’t i check in on my bro-in-law without an ulterior motive?”

“you never have before, why start now?”

“fair enough.” Red pulled one of his nasty ass cigars out of his jacket and Stretch handed over his lighter with a sigh. The chickens investigated Red's shoelaces hopefully while he lit it, blowing out a cloud of smoke. “you’re kind of the monster unofficial social media mogul, yeah?”

“dunno if i’d call it that,” Stretch said warily. It was never a good thing when Red started asking questions like that.

Red only nodded. “you ever google yourself?”

“doesn’t everyone? nothing wrong with a little ego surfing, i—" Stretch stopped and gave him a narrow look.

Red gave off an appearance of bland disinterest, which completely meant he was hiding something. His expressions were always twice removed and turned sideways from what he was actually feeling, so Red was either worried or pissed, hell, maybe uncomfortable, what the fuck—

Oh.

“you wanna know if i’ve seen the porn!” Stretch said gleefully. “holy shit, yes! humans have some vivid imaginations, don’t they?”

“vivid,” Red muttered sourly. Normally Red wore a grin of some sort, cocky and all-knowing. To see him looking like he’d swallowed one of his own stanky-ass boots sideways was a rare gift.

“there’s some pretty good likenesses, too, some of those artists have talent.” Stretch propped his chin on a hand. Unlike Red, he was more than happy to show his true emotions, particularly when they took the form of a maniacal grin. Besides, if you got a chance to stick someone, may as well twist the knife. “good thing they like to pair me up with my husband, am i right? although a quick google search could probably find some variety…”

Wow, so that was what incoming murder looked like in Underfell. Good thing Edge would be more than a little annoyed if Red killed him.

“what did you stumble across?” Stretch needled gleefully. “little painting of your bro and i playing pokey pokey? hiding the sausage? riding the magic pogo stick?”

As delightful as the spreading horror over Red’s face was, Stretch figured that was a good place to stop. Probably wouldn’t do to have Red start calling one of those hitmen he had on speed dial.

Red drew hard on his cigar, burning half of it in one inhale, and on the exhale, he grumbled out. “don’t matter.”

“oh, come on, you can’t tell me that and then don’t show me!” Stretch whined. Better to try that first; bribery should always be the third step. “really? that’s just cruel, give me something for the spank bank.”

He really didn’t think Red would, so when he silently handed over his phone, grimacing in disgust, Stretch snatched it gleefully. But he made sure not to swipe, because therein probably lay nightmares that could not be unseen.

Stretch blinked. “oh. uh, wow.”

He turned the phone to the side. Then upside down. Then right side up again. “the scientist in me would like to point out that this isn’t physically possible, especially when you take gravity into account. on the other hand, points for creativity and it’s a hell of a likeness. like looking in a mirror if i ever wanted to get a side job as a pornographic contortionist.”

Red snorted and shook his head. “the likeness of my bro isn’t very good.”

“yeah, but i never post pics of his face. they can only work with what they’ve got. not that it matters, can’t see his face from around my—“

“i can see what it is, thanks,” Red interrupted loudly. He reached down towards the chickens and Stretch didn’t realize he’d tensed until Red only scratched Dumpling gently. His lady cooed and leaned into the scritches, disloyal brat.

“not like you can miss it. they sure give me some credit, don’t they.” He handed the phone back. “send me the link to that?”

“yeah, yeah. fucking pervert. take it so i can go bleach my phone.” He waited while Stretch happily saved it. “gonna show him?”

“oh, yeah,” Stretch drawled, rolling his eye lights. “i’m going to bring up the pornscapades of our artistic doppelgängers right about never.” He ticked off on each finger, scattering ash from his cigarette, “he’ll either ignore it, silently hate it, or burn the internet down to get rid of it and i’m not about to let him start a technological apocalypse just because some dirty-minded humans have ideas about how skeletons get busy.”

“get busy? you always seemed more like the lay-there-and-take-it type, but what do i know.”

“probably too much as it is,” Stretch raised a brow bone curiously. “you gonna bring it up to him?”

“not before i get to watch the new season of game of thrones.”

The sliding glass door opened, and Edge stuck his head out. The chickens made a beeline to him instantly, even as he called out, “If you two are finished discussing your nefarious deeds, lunch is ready.”

He shut the sliding door before the chickens could run inside.

Red and Stretch shared a silent look, and when Red extended a challenging pinkie, Stretch hooked it with his own and shook.

No telling Edge about the porn. Deal.

-finis-

[thingsarered20]

Jeremie Belpois and Jerlita

I’ve seen many characters get undeserved hate in fandoms and Jeremie Belpois is definitely one of them. 

(According to some in the fandom this is the face of pure evil)

it’s bad to the point where I can't even google Jerlita to find pics or just jerlita things without Jeremie hate popping up. So, I’m making this Jeremie and Jerlita appreciation post to give you my interpretation of him and the Jerlita relationship. Don’t lose all your life points and grab a snack and cup of tea folks, this is going to be a long essay that’s going to be a four -parter with each part focusing on a season. This part is going to focus on season 1, I’m starting chronologically with XANA Awakens. In XANA Awakens Jeremie stumbles upon the Supercomputer and with it Aelita. Its love at first sight and he decides to try to find her a way out of Lyoko. Ulrich stumbles upon him being shocked by the vending machine and later being attacked by his own robots in his room. Realizing he’s in over his head Jeremie lets Ulrich in on the secret and introduces him to “Maya”(the name he gave Aelita when she couldn’t remember her own). Odd and Sissi later enter the picture and when they are discussing the Supercomputer and Jeremie states he wants them to get “Maya” to the red tower which, at the time, he believed was the way to bring her to Earth.Ulrich at first disagrees and states “Too bad for Maya but its not like she’s human” and Odd earlier referred to Jeremie as “nuts” for “flipping for a program”. Jeremie states that “She(meaning Aelita) is still some sort of intelligent being, and that she has emotions like we(meaning humans)do”. From the start he saw her as a person whose life mattered rather than a packet of computer data and didn’t care that others viewed him as “nuts” for falling for a computer program.Yumi later joins the group and they agree to help Aelita (who figured out her name) deactivate towers so they can buy Jeremie time to find out how to materialize her. This is important because a commonly used argument against him is that he's solely at fault for XANA but the others consented to help him. They could’ve easily told the cops or principal that this crazy kid who fell in love with a computer program was a threat to global safety and had the computer shut down but they didn’t.

In Holiday in the Fog, Jeremie is not only willing to give up his vacation but he’s also willing to taint his reputation as a star student to continue his work on Aelita’s materialization. That’s devotion if I've ever seen it. His sharp tongue against Sissi when she starts prying about XANA was also very amusing to watch and unexpected. We also get a tiny Jerlita scene in which Aelita states “Jeremie, thank you. Thank you for everything you’re doing for me”. To which he replies “That’s ok”. He doesn’t care about putting his personal health him on the line as long as it means Aelita will be safe and free from XANA.

(Gurl if you don't get out of my personal space...)

Cruel Dilemma has Jeremie’s materialization program completed after a blunder by Odd and it is now operational. However, later in the episode, Yumi falls into the digital sea and Jeremie must face the titular Cruel Dilemma:Yumi or Aelita?.Jeremie chooses Yumi and states to Aelita that he is both “Happy and Sad”. She in turn states she knows Jeremie will get her to Earth one day and that she has faith in him. I felt the need to bring this episode up because it shows Jeremie isn’t so lovesick that it blinds him from making the right choice to bring back Yumi. It also goes against the “Jeremie is selfish” accusation that gets thrown his way. 

(The world’s most beautiful E.T reference or the creation of the world whichever you prefer)

Next episode I'm going to talk about about is Frontier, in this episode Jeremie is frustrated at yet another failure to complete his materialization program, and when Aelita states she did a modification Jeremie had already done prior, an already angered and stressed Jeremie takes it out on her and snaps. When he realizes his mistake he feels awful and apologizes but she logs off before he can say anything more. Still feeling horrible and wanting to apolgize to her in person. Jeremie asks Yumi to send him to Lyoko. Jeremie not going to Lyoko is another commonly used argument against him but in this episode he is perfectly willing to go. Not because he’s being forced to but simply because he wants to apologize for hurting someone he cares very deeply for. Yumi presses a button she shouldn't have and the transfer is screwed up and he is locked inside a place between Earth and Lyoko which is known as the Virtual Limbo, Jeremie and Aelita develop an intimate mental connection and are able to hear the each other’s thoughts and feel each other’s emotions.Once she has the scanner’s memory that she needed to save him Aelita is able to enter this virtual limbo and see Jeremie in person for the first time.They desperately reach out to one another and their fingertips touch for a brief single second before Jeremie is sent back to Earth and is found passed out in one of the scanners. His friends take him back to his room and wait for him to wake up. When he does wake he is giddy and states the experience was “FANTASTIC” despite the fact that he nearly died because to him nearly dying was worth that one touch with her. In the end, Jeremie and Aelita discuss relationships and Jeremie reveals that when she came to rescue him, he understood how she really felt about him. We already knew how Jeremie felt since Teddygodzilla, the very first episode, but in this episode we get the confirmation that Aelita feels the same and they now know how they feel about each other. The thing about Jerlita is they already know how they feel about each other after this episode, which is why I felt they never required some big love declaration scene. The scene in the void was basically their big “I LOVE YOU” scene that you’d see in Disney movies only no words were necessary. The moment was too beautiful to spoil with words.

(See what I meant about the E.T reference?)

(There was something different about you this ep Jer...did you get a new pair of glasses? Very hipster)

The next episode I'm discussing is Ghost Channel. While on a mission to Lyoko,Odd makes a mistake on Lyoko but makes a great comeback and states to Jeremie “Next time just enjoy the show and let the REAL pros get the job done, okay?” The implication being because Jeremie does not go to Lyoko he is not a real part of the team. Jeremie is cleary stricken by this and Odd’s “I was just kidding” justification falls flat and Jeremie slumps eyes closed in hurt at the computer chair. 

(As someone who suffered from poor self-esteem issues since I was very young and still has them now as an adult I feel you Jer...)

The next day, after the shock and hurt wears off Jeremie tells his friends they did great but learns they are missing not only from class but it seems they’ve vanished from the face of the Earth, there’s no trace of them in Lyoko or Earth.It is eventually discovered that they are trapped in a Coraline-esque world(I mean that in the it’s an exact copy of Kadic with copies of all the students and faculty to boot way). Jeremie decides without hesitation to go in after them and save them. Before he goes he takes a minute to tell Aelita that he’d “much rather enter a virtual world to find her there waiting for him” but after saying Aelita’s name he hesitates before saying the line. Was he about to verbally admit his love for Aelita but ultimately decided against it? It’d make sense since dropping an I love you on her before possibly dying and never getting to see her again is a burden he probably realizes she could do without. When he enters the world he is confronted with his fake Kadic counterpart. Who it turns out was being played by XANA himself! XANA states that the real Jeremie would never virtualize himself because he’d be “much too frightened” However, the real Jeremie tells his friends to decide which is the real one. His friends rightfully pick the real one and XANA confused by this illogical display of trust and friendship loses all restraint and turns into a twisted version of Jeremie. Aelita destroys the simulation bubble that was holding the world before any harm could really be done and everyone escapes unscathed with the other warriors sans Aelita having no memory of the event. Aelita does eventually explain the situation and the episode concludes with the warriors going to fight off an army of Bloks(I believe that’s how it’s spelled). This episode shows that just because Jeremie does not go to Lyoko it does not mean he is not willing to put his life on the line for his friends and that one does not need to fight off monsters and be able to punch out a giant in one punch to be brave and heroic. That’s actually a pretty superficial way of looking at bravery.

(As overly sugary as this part was, it’s still one of the purest moments in the show)

Come False Start the wait is over, Aelita is here on Earth with the rest of the group. However, she is still bound to the supercomputer and as such they need to break the bond( which was originally believed to be due to a virus). After finding out this information out, Jeremie walks Aelita back to Yumi’s house and what follows is an adorable scene of him introducing her to Earth things such as the cold,flowers, and photo booths. These times don’t last however, and Aelita must go back to Lyoko to deactivate a tower that was being used to materialize Kankerlats into the real word. Jeremie is hesitant at first but, ultimately lets Aelita go once again putting something else before his happiness. At the end we learn that despite the return to the past erasing the walk to Yumi’s the photo booth pictures survived.

(Was it the power of love that saved the photos? You decide!)

Part 2 will be put up sometime

[brokenmusicboxwolfe]

Relics of childhood (Alright, I admit that when I didn’t find any old sculpting in a file, I made a post of what was there.) Feel free to skip my rambling about each pic.

Pic 1- The very first box I painted as a little girl. Mom had decided to paint cheese boxes she got from the local general store for a craft contest at her club. Yes, when I was little my small town actually still had a general store that cut cheese from large wheel. I painted it using the paints Mom had left over.

 I remember in 1983 using is as place to stash things to read during summer vacation. The lid ended up a couple feet above the box! It was full of lots of books, magazines and comics like The Uncanny X-Men, Amethyst Princess of Gemworld,  and Return of the Jedi adaptation. I read all of it, because I couldn’t stop reading back then. 

Pic 2- This ugly doll is incredibly dear to me. It was birthday gift from one of the boys in the neighborhood. I wasn’t having a party, which usually meant no presents, but he decided on his own to give me one. He called me behind the car so the other boys wouldn’t see it. He positively glowed with pride with having gotten if for me himself and he thought it beautiful. That made it one of the most wonderful gifts I ever got. 

He my favorite of the boys.

 I was almost always the only girl in the neighborhood, and it placed me in unique position. It was double edged thing, the struggle to gain respect while having a curious power by being the “mysterious” female. 

I thought by childish logic that when I grew up I’d have to marry one of the boys when I grew up, and that it had to be a certain boy because his parents were college grads. (Don’t think kids don’t pick up on social status.) This was horrifying! The  boy was sexist and bossy, a foe. I had gotten into a duel, challenging him to a one on one wrestling match after he went too by declaring that, without voting, he would lead the little club I  suggested  but that I had to be the secretary. “Girls are secretaries” After I won the fight he lied about it. Considering the fact that on the first day of kindergarden he pretended not to know me, the big first grader that had been the only face knew “I don’t know her!” I shouldn’t have been shocked he’d lie. His skin was pale, cool and damp like an underbelly of a fish. I could never imagine loving him.

But the boy that gave me this doll, oh he was exactly the opposite. He had a fiery temper, but whenever we fought he would cool down and would apologize on his own. His parents never made him, but his own inner sweetness. And when we fought it wasn’t with a cruelty, which it often was with the other boys. Anger and hurting someone were not the same for him. His mouth always seemed to have a mischievous smile and his eyes sparkled. Oh those eyes, wide and framed in thick dark black lashes like deer, when they weren’t crinckled up in laughter. His skin was the color of brown dry leaves, dry and warm as a rock in the sun. He smelled like a summer woods. I remember that so vividly....

I loved him. Best friend shading into something I wouldn’t have admited was romantic...but was. He wasn’t my first real life romantic stiring. That would be the 7 year old boy that gave me the love note when I was 4 (He was cute and nice, even if he was so old) But this boy was extremely special to me. 

I haven’t seen him since I was 9, but the doll has always reminded me.

The doll’s clothes are not her originals. My cousin, now sadly in a nursing home, made me a whole trunk of doll clothes Christmas. Tragically I played with them so much that the only  hand knit peices I still have are the ones still on dolls like this, so the doll is an extra treasure for me. 

Pic 3 &4- My wonderful cork ball shooting gun. Whenever I had to go to a doctor I was allowed to get something on the way home (you could never bribe me like that now!) and this was my pick once. In a way it’s amazing this was still being made, what with it openly trying to look like a “real” gun and actually firing projectiles. 

It was much coveted by the boys in the neighborhood, until one day the kid next door tried to steal it. He was prone to stealing and lies, as well as being a name calling wannabe bully. The fact he was not bright at all and tended toward cowardice made his failings less of a threat. 

So when Pop caught up with the boy, it wasn’t hatd to get my gun back. The boy not only did not try to hide, but insisted it was his gun. As you see, my father had scratched my name into the metal, so my father pointed this out. He asked what it said, and the boy insisted it was HIS name! In case you can’t read it on the battered gun, it actually says “STEPHANIE ANN WOLFE”. Clearly he expected the grown up not to be able to read! LOL

Pic 5- My Miss Piggy jacket. Piggy was one of my heroes. She got to be pretty but with a karate chop, an assertiveness and ambition cloaking a vulnerability. I’m sure some folks found a fat little girl liking Miss Piggy funny, but whatever. 

Pics 6 &7- This was my last dress. 

Well, technically at 9 I had an Easter  dress  for my grandmother (she died that year, so I’m glad I relented) and I had to wear a dress as chief marshal at graduation  when I was in 11th grade. But this was the last dress I wore as a normal thing.

I can still remember standing in that kindergarten classroom and standing in front of a full length mirror, a terrible sadness filling me. I loved that dress. I loved that little owl on the pocket. I even thought I looked cute wearing it. But as I stood there I realized I would never wear it again. 

Things had happened since I had started school. I had learned a lot of horrible things about the cruelty of humanity in those first days. The details are best left at that. And so I had come to realize the vulnerability inherient in wearing dresses. 

Looking in that mirror I vowed never to wear a dress or skirt again. I was always going to dress to fight or run from the human monsters of the world. Later the fact dresses are utterly impractical for my life would probably stop me wearing them (dresses in the woods or pig lot anyone?), but at the time it was simple. I would NEVER let myself be so vulnerable. Ever.

The ballet slipper was from taking classes around that time. All the other girls had black slippers, but naturally I picked pink ones. The class was horrible... the teacher dictatorial, classmates unfriendly, and by high school it would be a source of embarrassment as a teacher found a newpaper clipping of 5year old me posing with my class. I took a class for a year, and all I got was this lousy slipper! LOL 

[s3venpounds]

1 - 40

jesus buddy, if you wanted to know more about me just friend me somewhere and talk to me facebook,discord,overwatch,psn, snapchat w.e! haha i dont bite!

also this is gonna be really feckin long

1: Talk about the first time you watched your favorite movie.

How to train your dragon (1 and 2 i can’t decide) I fucking LOVE dragons. the idea to fucking ride one in the sky?!?! fucking DOPE. the idea that theyre also SCALY DOGS?!?!? MOTHER.FUCKING.DOPE. i just associate the idea of freedom with flying through the sky and that feeling was conveyed really well in that movie so i really loved it!

2: Talk about your first kiss.

honestly? kinda dumb now that i look back on it. it was a peck, i wasn’t even like mentally prepared and it happened way faster than i thought. If i knew it was going to happen i would have really like milked that fucker. i woulda went romance movie on that shit with all the extra shit like groping and weird inhaling noises and kissing so hard your teeth almost clink together. but yknow coulda woulda shoulda

3: Talk about the person you’ve had the most intense romantic feelings for.

theyre not a part of my life anymore which admittedly fucking sucks but i think its for the better at least for them. do i wish it worked out and we were together? i mean yeah duh, the reasons i fell for them don’t fucking disintegrate/ i just have more information than i had when i first met that person. will i actually actively pursuit them in the chance to be with them again? hell no. i’m tired. and i’ve seen enough “ self confidence” posts on here to think “ hey if someone really wanted me in their life they would go out of their way to do so and seeing as they haven’t even messaged me in god knows how long then its safe to say theyre off being happy

4: Talk about the thing you regret most so far.

man i haven’t seen this person is literally almost 20 years. I need to apologize. or at the very fucking least, see how theyre been doing. its driving me mad just trying to picture how theyre living and just coming up with a giant question mark.

5: Talk about the best birthday you’ve had.

lets be real bro most of my birthdays have been shit so i gave up on tryna make them memorable or fun, ‘s just another day to me. i mean the best one would have to be this one time i got a gameboy advance but thats pretty much it

6: Talk about the worst birthday you’ve had.

yknow how everyone says “ OH MY GOD WE SHOULD KEEP IN TOUCH” once you move? yeah thats bullshit. honest to god bullshit. i kept tabs on everyone when i moved to a different city and when i came down to visit for my birthday inviting all those people who supposed “wanted to keep in touch with me” literally 1 person showed up. and i think they only showed up because our parents were friends too. so yeah. fuck people sometimes.

7: Talk about your biggest insecurity.

hygiene. breath, hair, clothes, eating habits, manners, anything that might make me come off as unclean to people im trying to impress drives me off the fucking wall. specially at formal events. if im wearing snazzy clothing at like a suite 16 or a debut or a wedding bet you $100 that im adjusting little aspects of my appearance every like 15 seconds. eating mints the second one is finished, trying not to be too close to someones face when talking, even when i fucking fart i always take note of which way the wind is blowing, or im sitting down on something that can absorb the stench, how much pressure is in my gut and how much of it can i let out in small bursts to avoid sound. that or asian dick syndrome. yknow. haha asians got a small dick? that kinda shit bugs me a bit. not a ton but more than i thought it would

8: Talk about the thing you are most proud of.(i am literally only 8 questions in and my fingers are a little sore from typing)

my singing and impressions? i once scared some friends when i imitated a party blower kazoo thingy since the ones they bought from the dollarstore didnt make any sound. same as my singing, i tend to get high scores and i impressed my cousins once with a perfect score on a backstreet boys song HEH

9: Talk about little things on your body that you like the most.

my biceps? theyre not like chris hemsworth level of meaty but like when i worked at this physically demanding job my coworkers are like “ woah dude ur arms are different from mine, if you worked out theyd look so ripped” that kinda stuck with me for a while specially knowing they were a football jock and they had their own special diet and fitness instructor or something. i also like my smile/ jaw shape? my hair can look pretty good too sometimes

10: Talk about the biggest fight you’ve ever had.

my family is very passive aggressive oh and racist

11: Talk about the best dream you’ve ever had.

i once had this dream where i had reallllly passionate sex and it felt real and i could feel like every little detail down to like hairs brushing my skin on my arms and shit. i swear to this day it was a modern day succubus or something

12: Talk about the worst dream you’ve ever had.

that dream where i was a bird and flying away from”something” just all my instincts telling me to RUN. or that dream where i got shot in the hand, chest then the head and before i blacked out i said “Ch*****” who incidentally i was going to see later that day which made things very awkward at least for me

13: Talk about the first time you had sex/how you imagine your first time.

it was pretty good. looking back i was probably shit in bed hahaha first time so of course theres shit to work out. 

14: Talk about a vacation.

hit on by a cousin AND their gay friend. to which the cousin threatened me with self harm but the gay friend took the rejection very easily it was almost baffling in comparison (although the second the settled down they started to bash on me for rejecting their friend) also ate some REALLLLLY garlic covered crab the smell took 5 washes to get out… also got to ride in the back of a truck as its driving at like 120 mph and flying off all these little hills and tracking mud everywhere it was great

15: Talk about the time you were most content in life.

she was in my arms fast asleep and i took a photo. she didnt like that but let me keep the pic so that was nice.

16: Talk about the best party you’ve ever been to.

i can’t really remember any that stand out they were all equally fun. dont get me wrong some were super fun its just that it was also followed by a lot of bad choices that kinda take it down a notch. i will say this one party a friend hosted where i got to meet a BUNCH of new people. i also snorted some fundip powder as a dare. they refuse to let it go so i figure might as well own it. i also landed some sweet shots in beerpong

17: Talk about someone you want to be friends with.

ellen paige would be dope to be friends with. same with zendaya. and gal gadot just so i can like sit in her presence and be in awe for extended periods of time

18: Talk about something that happened in elementary school.

i was cheating on a test and my so called friend ratted me out never talked to him again that white privilege lookin hoe

19: Talk about something that happened in middle school.

i stopped talking to a friend that id thought i would be friends with for my whole life. i also became friends with my current best friend

20: Talk about something that happened in high school.

people are dumb. drama is dumb. people who seek out this kinda shit needa leave me the hell alone. and if youre going to challenge me to a fight, tell me about said fight so i can show up. dont march around telling people ur gonna fight me and not tell me so i dont show up and make it look like i pussied out. like for real?

21: Talk about a time you had to turn someone down.

oh yeah like the vacation one said : shit got really weird. and to have that sorta conversation on spotty wifi in an airport in south korea meaning jet lag is also disorienting af

22: Talk about your worst fear.

death. nuff said

23: Talk about a time someone turned you down.

it sucked but it happens so like.? lmao i dont really know waht to say but it sucked

24: Talk about something someone told you that meant a lot.

i have a horrible memory and on top of that my mind moves at like 32754895274 miles a second so i dont keep stuff in mind a lot in the first place. i can’t really think of anything that had so much impact that i’ve remembered it. well i mean there was this one song a friend told me about in a letter and to this day i’ve kept remembering the same verse “ maybe if we met each other under a different sky maybe things would be much better between you and i”

25: Talk about an ex-best friend.

we just….grew apart. and if we tried to be friends now im sure there would be tension and unease. hes just in a different friend circle. i dont hate him for it i just feel like hes living in a world of white and im living in a world of black like its just plain and simple

26: Talk about things you do when you’re sick.

on the computer. i can’t rest when im sick. i just keep trudging along. school, work, hangouts, i still go. i just take precautions to not spread it

27: Talk about your favorite part of someone else’s body.

neck? shoulder? hands? face? hair? idk dood i don’t really like specific places more of how WELL those parts can mesh together to make this beautiful being.

28: Talk about your fetishes.

y’all about to learn some shit because im gonna teach you a thing about me. pov’s, deepthroat/gagging, emo/goth, anal, massage, ropes and power trips, asians, tentacles if im feeling kinky, hentai /cartoon shit, glory holes, dirty talk and asmr (who woulda thought theres porn for that huh?), ahegao(being fucked silly or till your mind breaks into being nothing but a cumdump), swallowing, threesomes, double penetration, latex is pretty cool too, cosplays are nice if the characters are ones i recognize, tittyfucks, source film maker porn of like video game characters are getting pretty professional nowadays, lesbian, orgys, teenage girls and old ass guys, horse dicks and girls who try to take em, i got turned on by a girl fucking a dog once so i guess bestiality is a thing, oh i saw this scene in a movie im not sure if it was real it seems kinda hazy but it involved necrophilia but im not sure if it turned me on or it was so weird i’ve memorized it because of how weird it was. chicks with dicks fucking other chicks. and a plethora of other weird shit. i dont know what fetishes count and what doesn’t so i just listed whatever came to mind as i wrote have fun with that shit

29: Talk about what turns you on. 

short hair, asian heritage, playful and lighthearted but can be lustful as all hell, shorter than me, big boobs is a plus, mid driffs, underboob, small frame or face, scent( god if you smell good thats instant brownie points with me), likes anime, high pitch voices are cute as hell, very physically intimate, loves PDA’s, yeah i can’t really think of much

30: Talk about what turns you off.

uhh smells bad?, when their personality is bland/boring, or just shit. over timidness i get being shy but like if you can’t trust that the person youre interested in then like what am i supposed to do. i literally dated a girl who was so sheepish all i could do was ask her yes or no questions. and honestly that got old really fucking fast. i get she was trying but like i can only finesse so much of a relationship man. bad hygiene holy fuck. if you got like ear wax showin our ur ears, or like a bleeding pimple in plain view and refuse to at least dab it with a wet cloth or tissue then pls its not gonna work out. dandruff oh my gOD. dandruff would drive me nuts. like if i get close enough to see individual fucking flakes im gonna tear my whole scalp off

31: Talk about what you think death is like.

i feel like our bodies stop responding but our “souls” are still present there trapped screaming and trying to move our body but can’t. and thats why burials and shit sound so terrifying

32: Talk about a place you remember from your childhood.

dont need to. im a couple blocks away i can visit it any time. (my elementary and middle school the neighbourhood surrounding it was also where i used to live so that was dope)

33: Talk about what you do when you are sad.

i force myself to get MORE sad so i can get it all out in one go and much faster. like how the human mind can only get so angry that the brain gives up and just tries to find another way to spend its time. 

34: Talk about the worst physical pain you’ve endured.

when i was a kid me and bunch of other kids decided to clog a slide with just a shit ton of people and one of my friends who came after me kept pushing me to the point i was hanging on for dear life using only my knee down that was wedged between a fat kid and my friend who went after me. i fell off eventually knocking skulls with another kid near the end of the slide(this slide was shaped like a spring so that explains why there were kids under me) my arm bend backwards for a sec after hitting another kid’s legs, and then i fell chest and fast first on the asphalt winding myself. kids are rugged as all hell man they can really take a hit. i walked it off but god damn if i didnt get bruises and shit afterwards. or that time i got beaten so bad by father dearest because work was stressful and i ended up blacking out. wasn’t even allowed to go to the hospital. just kinda laid down in my room with bruises all over.

35: Talk about things you wish you could stop doing.

relying on people for happiness. distracting myself from sadness and responsibilities. procrastinating in general

36: Talk about your guilty pleasures.

i dont really feel guilt save for some specific circumstances. ask any of my friends. does that mean im a sociopath or whatever? 

37: Talk about someone you thought you were in love with.

they just got out of a relationship with someone and was avoiding them profusely and i just started to get to know them. we got to the point that when she was ready we could date. little did i know that later, she would end up dating a friend of mine. to which i promptly had the appropriate reaction of crying myself to sleep, sending that friend a text message with all the things he should know to keep that girl happy and ultimately smashing a lot of things (some bottles actually because we were gonna build a sculpture or something together with em. man middle school was a fucking RIDE)

38: Talk about songs that remind you of certain people.

mmmmmm i would prefer to keep those underwraps.

39: Talk about things you wish you’d known earlier.

family will be there for you in the end. (not because they want to but because the world teaches them that they have to meaning they will help just in their own way and to their own ends.) friends come and go. they always have always will. anyone who says forever is a fuckin idiot. lovers come and go thats just a natural part of growing up. and lets be real all the people that said they would self harm ultimately never did so dont stress it so much god damn(but dont let it slide either)

40: Talk about the end of something in your life.

how about the end of my interest in anime and video games. nothing seems to really interest me anymore. everything is just kinda “meh”

[ellstra]

Ellstra’s Kylux fic rec Vol. 2

I decided to make another fic rec in the moments when I’m too drained of energy to do anything that requires brain activity. I couldn’t tag some people (again, tumblr is fucked) which breaks my heart. The fics are in no particular order, only organised in groups from filth to innocent T rated fics (which I honestly didn’t expect to see. Bless you guys.) Enjoy!

Rated E

Grease Lightning by @slutstiels 4k, Modern Au “I’ll fix it for free–” Hux gasps, hardly able to believe his ears. The man holds up a finger to Hux’s lips and Hux frowns, flinching back instinctively. The offending finger is pulled away and Hux reflexively licks his lips, tasting salt and copper; the man’s eyes flow the movement of his tongue before those eyes focus on his own again. “–if you let me fuck you.” “Excuse me?” Kylo is a car mechanic and Hux is a very rich man with a very expensive car that needs to be fixed immediately. Yes, this sounds like a porn intro, and it is. And a great one.

Into the Garbage Chute by @longstoryshortikilledhim 15.5k, Techienician, Modern AU Techie and Matt are Star Wars fans who meet at a convention. This is such a sweet fic, you’ll love yourself for reading it. Techie and Matt are huge adorable dorky nerds and I love them.

it’s not fashionable to love me by @thesunandoceanblue 10.5k, Modern AU Stop staring at his jeans. He knows they’re too tight on him. That’s the whole point; so people will stare at his—don’t stare at his junk. Hux is persistently bothered by an odd but attractive man during his shifts. Hux is a horrible person who cheats on his boyfriend, Phasma is the best, Kylo is hot and straight-forward. It’s set in a tea shop which is something I never considered as a setting for a fic but it works really well.

In the Flesh by @srawratskcuf 3k, High school AU Kylo is that one kid in school who gives piercings in the bathroom. Prep!Hux comes in for one on a dare and keeps coming back for more (a good mix of ‘dam these are hot’ and 'damn hes hot’) Seriously, it’s disgusting and Hux is so pretentious you’ll want to spill blueberry juice on his expensive shirt and it’s the most hilarious thing ever.

Bohemian Rhapsody by @longstoryshortikilledhim 18k, Modern AU Kylo is a street musician in Prague. Hux is touring with the prestigious First Order Orchestra. They collide. Hard. In the unlikely case you haven’t read this fic yet, drop everything you’re doing and do yourself the favour. It’s everything you might want from this AU and more, the style is gorgeous and it’s set in my country so bonus points for the advertisement.  

More below the cut! 

Black Powder, Black Hearts by @sundogsailor 6k, Pirate AU “I can’t,” he insisted, playing the one remaining card his panicked brain had managed to find. “It’s against regulations.” “You’re not in his Majesty’s Navy anymore,” Ren growled. “I thought that was abundantly clear.” Hux opened his eyes to find the man much nearer than he’d thought, leaned in close enough for him to pick out each of his dark lashes in the lamplight. And at that moment he knew he’d lost, both the fight against himself and the one against Kylo Ren: mutineer, pirate, and apparently, sodomite. Hux is a good navy officer who does his job, until he doesn’t and decides to save his life instead of trying to get himself killed. Turns out the pirate who captured him is truly, truly, truly perverted and wants Hux, the good man, to do the unspeakable and Hux doesn’t want to until he does and it’s all very embarrassing. Wrapped up in navy terms you’ll probably have to look up. A pleasure. 

Hotline Bling by @minzimpression 37k, Modern AU Hux wants a dick pic from his recent hook-up. Unfortunately, he texts the wrong number. There’s phone sex, there are chance encounters, there’s a long distance relationship and actual feelings involved. A wholesome read. There’s also a rather good podfic of this by @asailordreamingbeyondthehorizon

Wild Honey by @longstoryshortikilledhim 9.5k, modern AU Armitage Hux was raised by his mother. He’s still an asshole. An innovative take on a coffee shop AU (the barista is Hux’s mum), Hux’s father makes an asshole-y cameo, there’s sex followed by a date, all in a very lovely package. 

On The Cusp by @solohux 5k, canon-verse Hux has a fantasy about groping and public touching. Kylo finds out. It’s filthy, mentally-scarring for some of the officers of the Finalizer and very enjoyable. 

Misfits by @hollyhark 20k, canon-verse, Techienician (+Kylux) Matt (short temper, disturbing fixation on Kylo Ren, snores) and Techie (night terrors, excessive jumpiness, “creepy” eyes) have both become notorious for driving their bunkmates to request a room change. General Hux is tired of processing the admin work they create. He assigns them to bunk together. They’ll either deal with it or lose their jobs. What a lovely and wholesome fic. I can’t describe it properly, but I can promise it’s worth the read. It has everything.

Coupe by @eralkfang 3k, canon-verse “I don’t have breasts,” Ren says, quickly—but too quickly, his eyes darting away as he bites his lip. No wonder Ren wears the mask, Hux thinks. His face betrays him at every turn.“Of course not,” Hux soothes, with more than a little sarcasm in his voice. “You couldn’t feed anyone with these. What you’ve got, Ren, is a nice pair of tits.” Shameless porn. Disgusting. Have I convinced you yet? Thought so.

Rated M 

A Rose and its Thorn by @solohux 2.5k, canon-verse ’Hanahaki disease is an illness born from one-sided love, where the patient coughs up flowers or flower petals. The only cure is to have that love reciprocated. The infection can be removed through surgery, but the feelings disappear along with the petals.' 

Hunger by @eralkfang, @reserve, @badspacebabies 9k, canon-verse Kylo Ren keeps returning from missions with gifts for Hux. Neither one of them is really sure what it means. Foodporn, really confusing relationship, slow steps towards whatever the outcome of the story is. 

alors on danse by @huxes 32.5k Ballet AU Between seemingly random bestowals of their art upon the world (guerrilla dance, suggested a Toronto Sun reporter), the Knights rehearse, or don’t; or go on crime sprees, or don’t; or are a motorcycle gang, or a drug-smuggling ring, or a hacktivist group — or they aren’t.The point is, this company is less a dance troupe and more a legend, and their founder is the greatest myth of all. Hux, like many, wasn’t sure the Knights — or Kylo Ren, for that matter — even existed anymore. It had been six months or so since their last “guerrilla” performance, and the art world was beginning to lose interest in them, when Hux received the email.The subject line read, Ballet choreographer wanted — Knights of Ren. The “from” line was blank. It’s a ballet AU, so there’s awkward tension, Kylo’s childhood is fucked up, there’s a lot of pent-up feelings, Hux meets the family, the give Snoke the metaphorical finger. Bonus for the most beautiful sex scene I’ve read in a long time.

Lacuna by @solohux 14.5k, canon-verse, WIP After a bad head injury, Kylo wakes up with no memory of the last few years of his life. Including his marriage to Hux. A lovely and angsty take on memory loss. It has Emperor Hux and the sweetest idea for wedding rings. It will fuck you up and make you feel grateful.

Rated T

Cut Your Losses by @sinningsquire 5.5k, modern AU Ben has to spend the summer holiday at Luke’s farm. He hates it. After he meets a pretty ginger in a local town, he hates it even more. Or… maybe a little less? This beauty is set in my home country and it’s awesome. Hux is a little shit and Ben talks too much. Need I say more? 

oh, is it love? by @42dicks 14.5k, modern AU, WIP Armitage Hux (16, scary) is a “Counselor in Training” at Camp Endor where he has spent far too many summers. His father, up until this year, was a Counselor himself and Armitage suffers under his shadow. Ben Solo (15, doesn’t want to be here) is forced to attend Camp Endor after prior efforts to get him out of his room and enjoy his summer vacation fail. Queue two socially alienated teens accepting each other’s company after a series of shared mishaps, and more making out than is probably healthy. An interesting dynamics that promises a lot more, they’re both a mess™ and the prose is lovely. Bonus points for bringing back happy memories of summer camps. 

The Loveliest Letters by @space-girlfriends 2.5k, canon-verse Hux finds a letter on his desk. His secret admirer, whoever calls themselves S, is quite a…poetic fellow. A very lovely crack fic. Features everything a good crack fic should have and an extra serving of hilarity because it was posted on Valentine’s day.

[alixzin]

Right you're going to regret unleashing my prompting because I have 31 OF THEM (I'm really very sorry) a whole bunch are cliched but ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ , as you said. Please tell me to fuck off 1. Meeting the cast, take 2. Does he meet them individually or all together? 2. Alex is being bullied at school. Does he fight back or not? Does he tell Lin and V or try to hide it? 3. Alex struggles to make friends because of his attachment issues. 4. Alex does make friends but worries about telling them who his foster family are. (alternatively he tries to hide the fact that he’s a foster kid at all) 5. Maybe it takes a while for them to find the right therapist? 6. Alex actually IS embarrassed by Lin. 7. Alex struggles to gain weight. 8. Legal drama arises with a past foster parent. Maybe they’re brought up on charges for the sexual abuse? 9. Family vacation. Would a beach bring up bad memories? Would Alex hate flying or be totally glued to the window the entire way over? 10. Alex struggles with casual money use because he’s used to having to scrimp and save. 11. Meeting the grandparents 12. Meeting the cousins/aunts and uncles 13. The press learns the Mirandas have a foster kid. 14. Lin starts getting asked about Alex in interviews and SHUTS THAT SHIT DOWN 15. Discussion of the London move (maybe Alex thinks they’re going to leave him behind?) (not sure how foster system works but would they have to jump through lots of legal hoops to be able to take him with them? (Vanessa and her lawyer knowledge) 16. Alex comes to a performance and gets totally star-struck by a VIP (alternatively Lin is totally star-struck by a VIP but has to play it cool because his kid is there) 17. Animal-assisted-therapy (apparently helps a great deal with survivors of sexual assault?) 18. WHITE HOUSE VISIT. 19. Parent-teacher meetings (do you have to do that for the age group you teach lol?) 20. Tony awards/Grammy awards etc. Does Lin mention Alex in his raps/sonnets/teary speeches? If not why? 21. Alex gets twitter or something and posts something he shouldn’t (pic of Seb/script page/private comment) cue angry Lin. 22. Alex has to get an MRI when he gets a proper prescription for his migraine meds. 23. Vanessa and Lin deciding they want to foster 24. Obligatory first meeting with Alex fic 25. Alex learning to trust the Mirandas with regards to touch (maybe like a 5+1 type thing?) 26. Lin introduces Alex to some of his favourite music/movies/books/shows and Alex HATING it. 27. Alex opens up to Lin and V about his past abuse. 28. Taking Tobi for a walk 29. Various occasions- birthdays/holidays and the like 30. Alex starts to gain some independence (getting to school on his own and the like) 31. Awkward Safe Sex talk

all-the-worlds-a-fandom

Prompt responses. Not any stories yet, just bouncing ideas around. I know that I work best when I can discuss my ideas first. Once a lifetime ago (okay, not really but being a teenager feels that way) I wrote a 22 chapter fanfic novel with 2 other authors. The experience was incredible. Pretty much everything I know about writing was learned from that collaboration. Basically, it consisted of writing a small piece, sharing it with the other two and then spending hours discussing it and what comes next via the comment section with these two strangers. Looking back, I can’t even say it was my best work, but it was creativity at its finest.

2. He would hide it. Alex would so hide it! I think how he’d react would be a bizarre contrast between little Alex putting his head down just taking it and overreacting/ lashing out big time. I’m picturing the inside out characters fear and anger (still haven’t seen it) fighting over lead control on this one. I imagine this would just egg the bullies on since not knowing which reaction they were going to get this time would add to the fun of it. I’m not picturing physical bullying, just a constant wave of low level taunts and harassment.

3. Yes! One thing I don’t want to do is go the route, that like everyone has done, where Alex quickly has a close group of friends (Laurens, Mulligan, Lafayette, Schuyler sisters). It’s adorable, but already well explored. I am much more interested in the idea of Alex being very isolated and alone in the world. Like I could see one of the reasons Alex and Lin are so close is because Lin is Alex’s only friend.

I’m very charmed by the idea of Alex becoming friends with Chris Jackson’s son whose a few years younger than Alex and has autism. Lin and Chris are best friends so it makes sense their families would spend a lot of time together. I can picture the two boys hiding in the corner together at a cast party, both overwhelmed by all the people and noise for different reasons. I can see it taking Lin a while to acknowledge that with all of Alex’s combined issues, he’s also a special needs father like Chris, but once he does becoming even closer to his friend from having this is common. Maybe there’s a moment at the party watching the two of them together and coming to this realization. (note though that I would only ever write about their interactions observed from a distance, or mentioned in passing, since writing fanfic about a real life child is so crossing the line) I can also see Lin just aching for Alex to have a friend.

4,6,13,14. It will take him awhile but once he starts forming the beginning seeds of friendship this would be a big issue that derails his attempts. Especially with Lin’s overnight celebrity status that comes from Hamilton. Since Alex coming to them when the show is still in development I can see this becoming a major plotline. Lin starts getting recognized on the streets of NYC all the time when he’s out with Alex and it freaks him out. It becomes a thing that Alex is constantly ducking out of the way for selfies, but people also start taking creepy photos of them from a distance and posting it to the internet. Questions start to arise about who this teen is that looks just like LMM. When asked by fans Lin dismissively says he’s a relative, so initially the thought is that Alex is his nephew, but as Alex starts popping up more and it comes out that he’s living with him the circulating rumor is that Alex might be Lin’s bastard child from a prior relationship (since they look so much alike) and that Lin might have knocked up a gf in college that he recently got custody of.  People become extra curious because Lin is always tweeting about his life and sharing photos, but Alex is never directly mentioned which seems suspicious. Lin’s super protective and does not want to let on that Alex is a fosterkid. Any press questions about Alex and the interview would be shut down. He knows the press would have a field day with that story, but at the same time the various circulating rumors start to become very harmful. I also know that in the state of New York it is perfectly legal for paparazzi to take photos of celebrity kids (while it’s illegal in California) which starts to become a problem for Alex. Just to add to the mess, social services starts to question if the Miranda’s are a suitable placement given all of this. Oh boy…

5. Honestly because he’s Hamilton I don’t think he’s ever going to fully open up to a therapist. No matter what they do or which new person they try Alex just keeps on glaring and refusing to talk. Eventually they all realize that it’s currently a waste of time, but since social services is requiring it they keep bringing Alex to his weekly sessions. Maybe after a couple years of this Alex will finally break?

7. Conversation coming back from doctor’s appointment weigh in:

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I know that wasn’t nearly enough. I really am trying, I swear. I’ll do better though, promise. I’ll make you proud next time.” Alex is bordering on hysterical, crushed by the look of disappointment on Lin’s face when he saw the numbers on the scale. He hates letting him down.

“Alexander I’m not mad at you, kid.”

“You’re not?”

“No! All this means is we’re stopping for a big serving of ice cream on our way home.”

9. Maybe on a family trip to Puerto Rico? Yeah, I don’t think Alex would do well with the beach, especially in an environment so close to Nevis. I can just see him standing frozen right on the edge of where the ground meets the sand, refusing to take a step further. The whole family is dressed and ready for a fun day on the beach and Alex won’t move. Lin and Vanessa are baffled since the exact details of what happened to him with the hurricane are fuzzy in his report. Alex and the ocean have some major trust issues to work out. If the ocean was a character like in Moana they would need couples counseling. If they stayed in a beachfront resort they’d end up having to switch to a room that *wasn’t* ocean view.

15. This has been in the back of my mind for a while now. I’ve gone as far as to research it a bit and prior court permission is required before even taking a foster kid out of state. Out of the country trips are allowed, but requires a lot of advance planning and paperwork, and an extended time would not be well tolerated. They would probably have to fast track an adoption or legal guardianship (a step between fostering and adoption, I have a friends Mom whose done this with a child of distant Native American decent who could not legally be adopted outside of their tribe) to make it happen. But Alex might not be legally free to be adopted because it can’t be proven that Alex’s dad might not come back into the picture later. Meanwhile they are trying to keep all these legal proceedings a secret from Alex so he doesn’t stress over it, but then Alex reads online that Lin has been cast in Mary Poppins before they get a chance to talk to him about it, and becomes convinced he’s getting left behind. He would probably sit on this for a good week or so before saying anything. Later when it’s looking like it’s not going to go through Lin is ready to turn down the role and Alex feels horrible. This is angst extreme!

18. I just love the image of Alex tagging along shyly behind Lin at the white house. But it’s sure going to take a lot of convincing to get him to come…

19. Yes, I do! I’ve given some thought into the process of Alex needing to be placed on a special plan (like a 504 plan for his panic attacks and migraines since they are affecting his ability to function at school). This is the definition of writing what I know! It can be a tough process and I can see Alex (and initially Lin) being resistant to having any kind of association with special education.

Written weeks ago:

Alex’s mid-term report card leaves him dumbfounded. It’s not even the letter grades themselves, averaging C’s with a splattering of B’s and Ds). It’s the comments that shock him:

“Multiple missing assignments, falling behind, risk of failing, does not complete assignments, frequently misses class, clearly very bright, not living up to potential, work completed brilliant, lazy.”

This is not his Alex. Alex who Lin constantly finds knee deep in schoolwork. Alex who stays up far later than he should reading. Alex who frequently needs to be forced to take a break from his writing. Did they get him mixed up with another Alexander Hamilton?

Some digging reveals that Alex often skips class when feeling especially anxious or having a panic attack or avoiding other students. He hides in the bathroom. He also gets lots of milder headaches which makes it hard to get class assignments done. Also, Alex flat out refuses to participate in group projects.

After talking to all of the teachers a theme emerges: all homework, extended individual assignments and tests Alex excels in. He’s doing horribly in participation points, groups projects and in class assignments. How well he’s doing is proportional to how much weight these items carry in class. Classes where tests and essays make up the bulk of the grade Alex is doing well in. Classes where the opposite is true Alex is bombing.  

20. “Sebastian and Alex, Daddy’s bringing you home a Grammy.” That’s all I’ve got so far, and it might be changed, but it’s cute. I think it’s a given that Alex refuses to come to any of the award ceremonies, despite multiple offers.

22 I’ve been throwing this idea around as well (it’s already been eluded to in the stories). When I was Alex’s age I had, like, all of the brain related tests done. I thought the MRI was super cool, but I can see anyone with claustrophobia or trust issues (a cage like thing is placed over your head to keep it still and the machines quite loud) freaking out. EEGs sucked! I had to stay awake for 24 hours with no caffeine beforehand and then they torture you with flashing lights and weird breathing and such. Then my teenage self got all hysterical about all the glue in my hair because I was so exhausted my emotions were all out of whack. I’m already feeling bad for Alex (and Lin) thinking about how I’m going to use this memory to torture him.

24. Since our first discussion I have come up w/ a few ideas that haven’t been done before, but I’m keeping those to myself for now. We’ll see what happens.

New problem: what do I tackle first?  

[violetsandloveletters]

A very long Q that’s taken a while to pass some time...

Do you actually love your grandpa? Grandad, of course, I love them both so much. Do you actually love your grandma? Nan & yes, again, I love & value them both so much, i’m very close to the grandparents on my mums side & honestly both my nan & grandad on that side are both my favourite people. Do you have Facebook? I do & I hate it, I only have it to see pics from my family in America & Spain tbh. What was the last thing you posted on someone’s wall? I wished someone a happy birthday but can’t remember who... Do you have MySpace? I did but haven’t used it in years, sucks that I lost all of my pictures on there. Loved that site tbh. What is your favorite kind of music? I love such a huge range of music tbh, like 80′s, Fall Out Boy, Arctic Monkeys, I listen to Motown when I clean... Honestly a bit of everything. Favorite soft drink? Pepsi Max is my everything quite honestly. Favorite food? Five Guys, chicken teriyaki from Yo Sushi! Krispy Kreme doughnuts, a decent cake- I love food so... Have you ever felt replaced? Of fucking course & it fucking sucks. Have you ever worn false eyelashes? I have & they are a bit of a pain. Do you ever regret making a friend? Yeah for sure. Can you cure mental illness? I don’t think you can cure it, learn to cope somewhat I yeah but I know for a fact that the shit I suffer with on a daily basis will never be cured nor will the trauma/shit just go away. Is God good? Athiest... Cats or dogs? I love both. I have a cat called Hades & would love a dog too someday. Do you play video games? Sims 4, I’ve loved Sims forever! Do you take medication for mental health? Yes I do. Can you really be racist to a white person? You can be racist to anyone... Do you have a favorite hair accessory? What does it look like? I’m boring so either a black scrunchie or the plastic spiral hairbands that don’t kink your hair & I have so many of them. What’s your favorite type of insect? Erm Dragonflies, caterpillars or bees. What’s your LEAST favorite type of insect? Maggots or spiders & moths are a love/hate. Who was the last person you Facebook messaged? What did you say? What’s his/her favorite food? My friend Skye, can’t remember & I loved with her for a while so I should know this but she’s part Italian & an amazing cook so anything she cooks for herself i’m sure. What was the last song you listened to? Does it mean anything to you? Apart from the stuff we have at work which I kinda shut off from unless it’s something decent, Billie Eilish ‘Ocean Eyes’, i’m in love with it. Have you ever slept in a water bed? Nope. How do you feel about having sex during your menstrual period? I mean if it’s not heavy it doesn’t bother me tbh, you just can’t do much fun stuff lol. Does your ex have a job? Yeah. Have you ever slept in a car? On car rides yeah, I think I have with an ex once before though when we were supposed to camp but it was cold. What was the last term of endearment you used (babe, hun, dear, etc)? No idea, babe? How often do you use Flickr? Not for like 10 years. Have you ever been on a blind date? No. Do you have a crush on the last person you texted? No. Have you ever got into an argument with the last person you kissed? No. Have you ever liked somebody who was nice to you, but horrible to everyone else? Not sure really. How’s your appetite atm? I’m not hungry, I feel like i’ve just been eating for the sake of it since being ill the other week. Out of all the conversations you’ve had recently, which one has made you smile or laugh the most? No idea, can’t think of once honestly. Do you look decent in your most recent photograph? No idea what it was. What is one vacation destination that many people think is just fabulous but which you personally have no desire to visit (or revisit)? Ooh tough question, somewhere like Turkey or Germany. If you were five years younger but knew everything at that age that you’ve actually learned over the last five years, what is one thing you would definitely do differently? Be stronger & don’t put up with any shit from anyone. What serves as the greatest motivation for you in your daily life? My cat & that is literally it & the chance to have a child I guess but Hades for sure. What activity that you have to do every once in a while that you dread the most? Travelling to my mums, she lives about 5 min drive away but I don’t drive & it takes like 40mins by bus or longer by train. When people hear what you do for a living, what is the most typical question or comment they give you regarding your job? Idk, they like the shop but I hate having to explain why i’m on lower hours because of my health cos it’s kinda shitty at 27 when I used to work full time as a store manager. If you were left alone for one hour with nothing more than a pen and a notepad, what would you be inclined to draw or write during those 60 minutes? Not sure, it depends on my mood at the time I guess. If you could witness anything at all in super-slow motion, what would you want to see? No idea. If someone were looking for you in a bookstore, in what section would they be most likely to find you? The art history section or the bit with tarot cards & astrology & stuff. What do you forget to do more often than anything else? Take the bins out when I leave the house so I have to go back up to get them or leave post on the side & forget what they are about. If you could teach everyone in the world one skill, what would it be? How to important it is to make sure that just because you don’t agree or understand what someone else has said/is going through, doesn’t mean it’s not real/irrelevant. You’ve been offered the chance to paint a billboard along a highway with any message you choose, as long as it’s only 10 words long. What is your message? No idea, something inspirational I guess. Would you ever travel to Africa? Nah, don’t fancy it. Whose house were you last at? Mums. Have you ever had a near-death experience? Overdose I guess. Have you ever met anyone who was overly addicted to a computer game? My brother is obsessed with PS4 & I love Sim 4 & can be on it for hours. Have you ever been fingered? Lol. What do you do the most when you are online? Youtube, research random shit, Tumblr, look for stuff to buy/can’t afford or look for places to live in my home town as I wanna move back. What video game have you played the most? SIMS 4 how many times do I have to mention this game :| Do you have scars you don’t like to talk about? I don’t have anything to be ashamed of if that’s what you’re asking. What is something you and your significant other do that may seem weird to others? No idea really. When and why did you last cry? Earlier, I cry literally all the time lately. When was the last time you drank? Alcohol? A long time, after being with D & his issues I hate it even more than I did before. Do you wear jewelry a lot? Earrings, belly bar & nose ring I never take out, I have a anklet I wear pretty much every day as well as my Tiffany ring & Tiffany bracelet from D & a necklace from my mum that says ‘Love you to the moon’ or an amethyst pendant on suede. I have like a small selection of random valuable jewellery I switch between rather than loads of costume cheap stuff apart from the 20ish chokers I have... Who in your household do you not have a good relationship with? None? Who in your life are you scared to lose more than anything? D, honestly I would die, same as Hades, they are my family. I nearly lost my mum in April & it was horrendous, but any close family really or my best friend. Honestly, would you rather be single or in a relationship? A relationship for sure. Do any of your friends not get along at all? D & my best friend possibly? What are your 3 favorite internet sites? Youtube, Tumblr & maybe ASOS haha. Have you ever gotten anything autographed, if so by who & what was it? No idea, can’t think of anyone. Do you prefer Walmart or Target? I’m in the UK so neither. Who is your favorite model? Anyone male with long hair & a nose ring ha. What have you done that is out of character for you? I’m not sure really, i’ve changed a lot over the last few years & don’t take shit & will say exactly how I feel & have become very angry whereas before I used to be shy & bite my tongue a lot more than I used too. But physically I went to a concert on my own last year which was the ultimate ‘fuck it, i’ve gone mad’ moment as I was on the train there & tbh it was traumatising. What do you feel strong enough to protest about? So many things, I feel very strongly about a lot of things I just have never had a chance to actually go to a protest. What’s the biggest blooper you’ve never lived down? Fuck knows, probably getting drunk years ago & blacking out. What is the best thing you have done just because you were told you can’t? I mean it’s not saying I can’t, more shouldn’t, but me & D getting Hades. What are you most thankful for? My family, D, Hades and the NHS. How do you feel about thrift shops or flea markets? You can find some good shit. What do you like to put gravy on? Anything I possibly can! My fave midnight snack atm is yorkshire puddings & gravy or another of my faves is jacket potato with cheese & gravy. Have you ever gone canoeing/kayaking? Yeah, for a school trip once & I loved it. What one thing in particular makes you feel good about yourself? Compliments of how I look & compliments on my boobs haha & also how much of a nice person I am & that i’m always there to listen & just nonjudgemental. What is priceless to you? Love & the good people I have around me. What is one thing you know about your family history you’re proud of? I’m not sure really. Do you keep a budget? Yeah I do, I use an app cos that’s waht you do when you’re an adult with many bills & your own place haha. What makes you feel rested and refreshed? Having CFS/ME it’s hard to say because it’s a bit of a roll of a dice tbh, some days I could have an amazing night sleep or a relaxed day off but the rest & refreshed feeling could be short lived/non existent. A massage or a relaxing bath with Lush products helps clear my mind somewhat though. Who depends on you the most? My cat, & I guess my mum since she’s been unwell over the last few months. Could you ever be someone’s bodyguard? Im petite & 5ft with size 2 feet... Has one of your biggest fears come true? Yeah, being cheated on. Have you ever let your mom or significant other fight a battle for you? No. Did you create a checklist for your ideal spouse? No lol. I like what I like. Have you ever ridden on a subway or train and what did you like about it? Yeah quite often, I love getting the train into London cos it’s just chill. Do you have to experience something to fully understand it? Somewhat. What embarrasses you instantly? I’m so easily embarrassed & so self conscious so literally anything. Do you think you could be a firefighter, why/why not? No, same as the bodyguard thing, i’m too small & have ME so the fatigue stops a lot. What do you think should be censored? Can’t think tbh. Are you related to anyone famous or historical, if so who? William the Conqueror which means the Queen too & Danny Dyer, Alexander the Great. Would you ever donate a kidney to anyone, and who? I would & family I guess, haven’t really thought about it Have you ever fired a gun? No. What is the main quality you think makes a great parent? Hard to choose just one, just being a great teacher & loving & caring for them & helping the kid grow into a great person & always being there to guide & listen. Who is a female role model in your life? My nan. What childhood dreams have you neglected? Not really childhood but I wanted to be a dermatologist & I regret not training to do that, What do you have trouble seeing clearly in your mind? My future, when you loose the will to live a bit or suffer with trauma/suicidal thoughts or have a botched life/childhood it’s very hard to see anything clearly. The way I perceive people or myself or life will always be tainted I think. Would you travel to space if possible? Would be very cool, though space food looks rancid. Are you an optimistic person? Depends on the circumstance, I like to think im optimistic when it comes to relationships or D or whatever but in general im not. Im a logical person. Do you consider yourself more realistic OR idealistic? Bit of both. Have you ever felt bi-curious? Never, I like dick & dick is all it’ll ever be. Are you a fan of U.S. President Donald Trump? Not really. Do you know anyone with autism, mood disorders or learning disabilities? Erm me, hi! I suffer with multiple mood disorders. Are you green-eyed? Bluey green I guess. Would you consider UFC fighting and WWE real sports events? Not sure. Have you ever had an immediate relative pass away of cancer? No. Would you rather work in an office, warehouse or on a retail shop floor? I currently work on a retail shop floor, but i’d prefer an office I think. Do you have a favorite wild animal? Why? I love wolves & tigers because they are both stunning & bats. Do you have any unusual, uncommon phobias? Mould, im terrified & me & my brother have trypophobia which is holes. Do you prefer Android or iPhone? Iphone. Are you a fan of sweet, sour, salty, or savory snacks? All, depends on the time of the month & mood, probs sweet & savoury are top. Do you believe climate change is real? 100000000% Do you believe in evolution OR creationism? Evolution! Do you think people can really predict the future? Hmmm, idk, I do believe in tarot & shit so... Have you been to a lot of shrinks? We don’t call them that here but psychiatrists & psychologists or councillors, yeah. How often do you clean your room? I have a whole flat to clean & once a week, usually Mondays are my ‘get my shit together for the week’ days. Any movies coming out soon that you want to see? It’s out now but Once Upon a Time in Hollywood. What was the last fear you overcame? Not sure.  Have you ever hurt yourself trying to crack a body part? No. What’s the worst part about winter? My bedroom gets freezing so forgetting to put the heating on & freezing my ass off in the morning. Or when you layer up but have to travel on the tube or in shops & it’s fucking boiling. Also when it’s icy & trying not to trip over. Summer? Our houses in the UK are made to keep heat in not out so when it is a hot day we don’t have aircon & shit. Spring? Hayfever & the days where it’s warm enough to wear sandals. Fall? I love Autumn. Are you allergic to anything? Quorn & grapefruit & avocados/nuts can give me migraines. How many times have you changed a diaper in your life? Lots when my little brother was a baby. Which country has the most fascinating culture? Japan is crazy but I love anciet history so does ancient Greek & Rome count?. Who does your favorite song? Fuck that’s the most difficult question ever. When was the last time you wore makeup? Today. Do you prefer males or females or both? I have men issues but females apart from my best friend & family annoy me & most of my friends are men & so’s my cat so... Where in your town do you go when you wanna chill with a few friends? Me & my bestie would go to London. Where’s the best place to get coffee? I don’t drink coffee but I love a Costa. Have you ever seen someone struggle with an addiction? D, it was hell. In May I lost a friend because of addiction too & it really struck something inside. When was the last time someone gave you flowers? My nan brought me pink roses for my birthday this year & roses are my favourite. Do you like cranberry juice? Only in a Woo Woo cocktail.. Do you play any zombie-killing video games? No. What is the dominating genre on your mp3 player/iPod? 80′s everything! Do you have a book shelf? No. What website do you spend way too much time on? Youtube or Netflix or Now Tv on the telly. Do you like wind chimes? Yeah. Do you have a fetish? Maybe... Do you have a pet fish? No, I’ve had a few in my time though, my first pets were goldfish called Michael Jackson & Bubbles. Do you like kettle corn? Popcorn? Yeah. Do you enjoy classic rock? Looove! When was the last time you went for a walk, just cause? Never lol, probably the last time I went to my grandparents house as they live practically on the seafront & it’s just lovely where they live. Do you listen to Type O Negative? No. Do you have any fillings or cavities? No. Have you gotten your wisdom teeth taken out yet? No & hopefully don’t ever have too. Do you actually read privacy policies when signing up for new things? I skim over yeah. Did you have a lot of birthday parties when you were younger? If so, did you invite everyone in the class? Yeah, my first party was the class but after it was friends. Do you like when things are color coordinated? YES & i’m very OCD about it. Have you ever participated in one of those “guess how many jelly beans, mints, etc. are in this jar!” contest? if so, have you ever won? Yeah, and no. Can you juggle? No. Have you ever mistaken a ringing phone on TV or in a movie for your own? Yeah, How often do you use bobby pins? Whenever I do a messy bun so often. Do you live on an avenue, road, drive or something else? Street. What are your school colors? The first was blue, the 2n’d was red & the 3rd was green. Have you ever taken a picture with Santa when you were little? Yeah. Have you ever rolled down a steep, grassy hill for fun? Yeah when I was younger. Do you like Nerds candy? Never had them!

[cynicalboddhisattva]

Authenticity and The Dark Side

I’ve always gravitated towards what I like to call “the dark side of the Force” -- a less hopeful, more realistic perspective on life that make existence meaningful in its absolute absurdity.  It sounds like a paradox and an awful way to live, but seeing the futility of being has always made me smile.  Go figure.  

When I see social media posts highlighting a magnanimous act, expressing gratitude, celebrating a small victory of some sort, or simply bragging about how awesome someone’s kids are, I seriously want to puke.  I don’t know exactly what this visceral reaction is about; but I think it is a combination of how displeasing I find frothy emotional appeal to be, and how being above all that Hallmark stuff makes me feel superior in some pretentious way.  Hey, I’ll totally admit to the latter.  

But I think my outright rejection of cheap sentiment makes me more genuine.  I can’t pretend things are wonderful when they are not.  I don’t have the energy or interest to sugarcoat things.  For me, trying to put on a positive facade is not only pointless, but alienating.  And when I meet someone who is all smiles, all the time, I don’t trust them.  Either they are full of shit and don’t know it, or they are knowingly full of shit because they are manipulative sociopaths (been there, done that, ya’ll). 

When asked a question directly, I also lack the ability to tell people anything other than the truth, even when telling a lie may be the noble thing to do.  Lies by omission aren’t a problem, but when someone asks me what I think about something or someone, I am more frank than I probably should be.  

I also don’t go around pretending like certain experiences in life are wonderful by default.  I sometimes get confused looks when someone asks me if I had a good time visiting What’s-His-Face or going to That-Awesome-Beach-Place.  Don’t misjudge me -- when I actually have a good time, I’ll say so.  But if I didn’t, I’ll shrug off the question with a “meh.”  

The expressions on people’s faces are priceless when I don’t follow the script.  It’s supposed to go something like (1) Go on vacation. (2) Post pics on social media showing people how awesome your vacation is and how wonderful everyone around you is. (3) Once back home, tell everybody what a fantastic time you had.  Substitute “vacation” for “graduation” or “wedding” or “new baby” and the script pretty much reads the same way -- pretend like things that are supposed to be terrific by general consensus actually ARE that way 100% of the time.  

I am no good at playing that game, and frankly, I find it reprehensible.  If something is truly exceptional, great!  If it sucks, that’s fine too!  Really.  It’s totally OK for things to suck, and that’s been a great comfort.  I don’t expect anything to turn out in my favor (or NOT in my favor, for that matter), so I get to enjoy positive experiences as welcome surprises.  Having no expectations whatsoever means that all the good things in life arrive as gifts. Funny how that works, isn’t it?  

When I see myself as a silly side character in a vast cosmic comedy, life becomes divine in every waking moment.  There’s an absolute and transcendent beauty in the incomprehensible ridiculousness of existence.  So I look to the true teachers, the George Carlin’s and (despite his horrible and totally embarrassing sexual misdeeds) Louis C.K.’s of the world -- the rare individuals who see that everything sucks and everything’s funny simultaneously.  They are as real as real can get.  They are the laughing Buddhas of the world.  So rejoice, because one day we’re all going to die, and that’s totally cool with me.