#they forgot that the tullys should have been pack too

[disregardcanon]

there is definitely a case to be made against the stark isolationist policies and quite possibly also marriage alliances far far away when you see how much the formerly strong ties between the tullys had atrophied over the years because all the members just like, never interacted ever again. 

[janiedean]

What are your thoughts on Sansa becoming queen in the north?

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I know you said you were gonna shut your mouth about Sansa but I've been dying to know what you think of her queen in the north moment T_T

*deep breath*

okay guys I waited a few days to see if my feelings somehow mellowed, if anything the contrary happened so at this point I’ll just go with it.

premise: book!sansa is one of my favorite characters. show!sansa is imvho not at all her book self anymore and I have disliked her writing and openly said it since S5 so please don’t take this as bashing because it comes from loving sansa, not the contrary. if you liked that scene or thought she had a nice ending please stop reading now and skip this post.

this say: I hated it, I hated how they framed the starks’s ending and I loathed how she was written this episode even moreso than this entire season which is saying all. specifically:

of course no one held her accountable for having betrayed jon’s trust and basically pulled a lf on him, but then again she had to be framed by the narrative as ‘she was right’ re dany which I found... really... in bad taste because I don’t think book!sansa would have ever done it, but I wasn’t expecting that;

her asking bran for nothern independence when the iron islands and dorne have been wanting them for centuries and no one batted an eyelid and it went like WELL SURE THE NORTH IS INDEPENDENT GO AWAY WE’RE COOL esp. when the king is a stark is out of this world ridiculous, but never mind that;

the fact that she basically went ‘lol shut up’ at edmure, her UNCLE, who has been hostage for years, who was the only arse lord in these books who risked a lot to have the smallfolk inside his castle and save them when everyone thought he was too *soft* and it was a bad political movie, when her mother’s house words are fucking FAMILY DUTY HONOR, in that frankly unsufferable smug way, about made me lose every last inch of fucks I had when it came to giving her writing some leeway. like, sansa stark ‘courtesy is a lady’s armor’ does that to her goddamned uncle who has literally bled and lost family members for her family and who ended up caught in the red wedding to help robb and cat and who has been a hostage for years also because he sided with them......... and she doesn’t even let him talk? when excuse me but he wouldn’t also have been a bad choice whatsoever at least he cares about the people? like fuck that noise that was it for me, that’s not sansa, that’s a bodysnatcher they made out of cersei/lf and dusted with some vague book characterization when they remember it and forgot it, and honestly I’m not here for that.

on the queen in the north scene:

.... it was fucking depressing?

and ooc?

I mean, I should believe that sansa stark, who in the books has spent all the time wanting her family back, who wants to name her children like her brothers, who does want children, who wants still her brave strong and gentle knight (btw, GOOD JOB FORGETTING THAT ROMANCE IS AN ESSENTIAL PART OF SANSA’S SL and that half of it is about finding out that *beauty* on the outside =/= inside, but hey, we went for the feminist TM narrative where strong women need no men and we forgot that it’s a fundamental part of what sansa wants), who only wants to go back home and be with her family........ gets her crowning achievement becoming queen in the north at a coronation where there’s literally no face she knows present, where her family isn’t present, where she’s utterly and totally alone doing the ice queen business when she’s not an ice queen in canon, with no friends at her side and no relatives and........ nothing? that’s it? I should be happy she’s on her own ruling the north without her sister or brothers or anyone she knew because she got her badass crowning moment and the north is independent when literally no stark in these books wanted it ned first and robb later, robb only took it because they elected him and couldn’t say no? because......... that was the only way for her to come out on top and having a throne is it when the entire underlying messages of these books is that thrones don’t mean shit and political power on your own is useless and corrupts you if you want it specifically and no one helps you with it?

sorry but I can’t buy that. I cannot. not at all. that’s not the character I signed up for, I didn’t sign up for the starks getting scattered in all four winds as if they don’t care at all for seeing each other again ever (THE PACK SURVIVES WHEN???), and the fact that it was a beautifully shot scene doesn’t mean I liked it for one second.

also: this entire thing reeks of a book storyline they most likely cut off with ten hatchets. specifically, that robb’s will exists and it had disinherited sansa and arya and made jon heir thinking bran and rickon were dead. like, you know what’s way more likely to happen? that jon gets hailed kitn because ROBB MADE HIM IT, davos shows up with rickon who DOESN’T DIE, jon then gets the show ending because that actually felt like a thing grrm might do, bran gets it the same (I’ll rant on it in another ask I’ll reply to asap) even if better-written, and sansa, who at this time has managed to come back to wf, has come into herself and has her family, stays there being rickon’s regent along with arya unless arya gets with gendry which I also think is endgame (this stark/baratheon marriage has to happen or not??) and plays a leading role without this bullshit single ice queen in the north storyline, possibly along with whoever it is the brave strong and gentle knight she ends up with, because that is not a thing d&d have realized, but a lot of *good* and strong female characters in these books have storylines that revolve about getting both what they want and the romance, but apparently it makes people weak? we just don’t know. that is a *sansa rules* ending that would make sense to me. not whatever the hell I watched in the finale, and believe me I’ll forever dislike it. the only good thing about it tangentially was that they didn’t drag brienne into it, and that’s everything I have to say on this subject. sorry but it wasn’t earned, it was built on giving her someone else’s storyline and on forcing sansa into being basically the nice/ethical version of cersei/lf and ignoring 85% of the themes in her arc and giving her an ending that’s all the contrary of what her book self wants, and I can’t bring myself to like it.

also, the edmure thing was really out of this world the most ooc thing in existence and if edmure doesn’t talk to her for the rest of his life no one would blame him, me first of all, and sure af catelyn tully was tearing her hair out in the afterlife asking herself where did her daughter end up. end of story.

ps: I know this is an unpopular opinion and I don’t have much interest in discussing it any further, so like.... take it for what it is. sorry but whichever way I look at it I can’t find any positives in it. :/

[annieintheaair]

Love & Valentine’s Day

The last time it really snowed in Texas, that I remember, was in 2015 when I was in flight attendant training. I was scheduled to do a work flight that weekend and the snow came down instead, canceling flights, and keeping us indoors.

Everyone I talked to told me that in Texas, when it snows, you just stay home. Being from the northeast, that just seemed weird to me because life carries on when it snows.

I don’t know if someday I’ll wake up and re-download dating apps or miraculously meet someone while out and about but for the time being, I’m focusing on myself and doing my best to find new hobbies and make new friends.

Since it has been cold and snowy, I’ve been binge watching Firefly Lane on Netflix this weekend and I was watching an episode today where after Tully gets married, she flips out on her husband and makes him leave. He doesn’t want to leave at first but she screams at him that he has to go and as soon as he gives in and does, she falls to the floor in regret.

Have you ever done that? Have you ever asked someone to leave but deep down, you were testing them to see if they’d choose to stay anyway? This scene brought me flashbacks to November. I remember flipping out on James and telling him to leave. I thought he would go and I ended up falling asleep that night, only to wake up in the morning and find that he hadn’t left. At that point, I felt like I couldn’t change my mind. He packed up his things and in a more calm way (but not without tears) that morning, we said goodbye.

Without going into detail, we did patch things up a few days later but looking back, I think that was our breaking point. I should have been glad that he stayed that night on my couch and in the morning, I should have apologized and told him to stay. I think sometimes we just can’t let go of our pride.

In Firefly Lane, Tully finally gets up the courage to apologize but at that point, Max has decided that he wants a divorce. She tells him anyway that she wants a fresh start and if he wants one too, she will be at the spot in the park where they got married, the following day. Max basically explains to her that she wasn’t there when he needed her to be and that she wouldn’t talk when he wanted to talk with her. He doesn’t show up the next day and she’s heartbroken.

This story line tugged at my heartstrings really badly. I’ve been the girl crying on the floor and later trying to apologize and fix things to only be turned down. I’ve felt that pain of feeling like it was all my fault and feeling rejected and like there was nothing that I could do or say to fix everything.

It has been almost two months now since it ended and it was two months yesterday since I last saw him. My heart still hurts. I keep wishing he would show up and we’d figure it out. There are so many days that go by that I keep wishing we could have a fresh start. I feel like Tully, standing at the park, waiting for him.

The thing is, you can’t make yourself important to anyone. They have to choose you, each and every day. They have to want it as badly as you do and they have to be willing to work things out. I’ve learned that love isn’t easy. Love doesn’t mean that everything goes smoothly all of the time but that you work through things. Just like Tully realized, sometimes it’s better to hold on and keep pushing to work things out instead of running away but you both need to run in the same direction together.

I think about Valentine’s Day last year. The pandemic hadn’t really started yet, life was normal, and I went to Phoenix for work where I went on a first date with Kris, who I had met on Match.com. It was a great first date but for many reasons, it didn’t go anywhere beyond that day really. We became friends and that was about it.

A lot has happened in the last year. To think that after that day, I proceeded to go on more dates and have my heart broken twice, it’s no wonder that I’m feeling down about love and not at all interested in getting back out there to meet someone new.

I remember a couple of years ago after having been taking anti-depressants for a while, my therapist told me that she felt like maybe my dosage was too high. At the time, I thought that she was just saying that because she was afraid that I’d stop seeing her every week if I felt so numb that I didn’t need her help. There have been days, like in early January, when I felt like my dosage wasn’t high enough but lately, I feel like maybe she was right and maybe it really is too high.

I’ve gotten to the point that I don’t know how to feel anymore. I don’t know how to really put my feelings into words and the more I try to tell myself that I’m ok, the less I really believe it. Have I become so good at convincing everyone else that I can no longer convince myself? Am I ok or am I not ok? Has my medication made me too numb?

These days, I feel like I’ve run out of words, which is weird for me. It’s like deep down, I have so much to say, but the words don’t come out. I feel like I’m no longer heard so it’s no use to even try to get the words out.

With only a few weeks left until I return to work and my old life, I’ve decided to refocus all of my efforts. Instead of getting back on Bumble for dating, I’ve pursued new friendships. It’s incredible to me the new people that God has brought into my life. These new friends that I clicked with immediately have made me wonder where they’ve been my whole life and have filled me with excitement for what’s to come. I feel like we’re all going through similar things and while some people I’ve talked to are in relationships or married, those I’ve met in person so far are living the single life. At 31, it feels so good to finally have some single girl friends.

I’ve also been going to the gym frequently and trying new exercise classes, as well as cooking healthier meals at home to get myself back on track. I’ve been going back out for walks with my dogs (not 10 mile walks like I did in the spring but every bit helps!). All of this has made me realize that I think James and I made a huge mistake.

While I don’t think our relationship was a mistake, I think it was complicated because we jumped into it so fast and began spending nearly every minute of everyday together. I forgot about my own life and stopped trying to make new friends. Even when I was in Wyoming in December, I had plans to meet up with a girl from Bumble BFF but then didn’t for many reasons but mainly because I didn’t want to tell James that I wanted to go out without him when I was there visiting him.

Being with James had me giving up on my own life. I guess I lost my sense of self in our relationship. I stopped going out for walks or bike rides unless he wanted to go with me. I had even made friends with a girl named Emma but stopped hanging out with her because I always chose James over her. At the time, I thought that was a good choice but looking back, I realize that we probably needed to maintain our own lives in order to have a strong and stable life together.

I always hated the girls who gave up on their friends when they were in relationships and there I was, that girl, and I didn’t even realize it. Where did Annie go?

I know that James looks at my Instagram stories and I can’t help but wonder what he’s thinking. Does he wonder where the girl he dated disappeared to since we broke up? Does he miss the old Annie or does he wish he was with the new Annie?

The other day I rushed to the hair salon because I swore I saw some white strands in my hair. White, yes, white, not grey. I’m pretty sure it was caused by stress and even though my mom tried to suggest that maybe it was a white blonde, I was still in a panic. I thought the girl would do my base color as blonde but something clearly went wrong and left my hair with a reddish tint. At home, I told myself that red (or anything) was better than white and maybe I just need to embrace this new version of myself. I never would have gone and asked for her to dye my hair red but maybe red is just the change that I needed. Maybe red is the beginning of the new Annie.

I’m tossing this back and forth-- am I the new Annie or the old Annie, before James and all of the heartbreak? Maybe I’m a mixture of both. I’m reclaiming parts of my old life before James but I’m also embracing this new version of myself.

Being alone has given me more time back since I’ve been working my part-time job right now and not flying. When I’m out and about, I don’t feel like I need to rush home to James because he’s not there but I stay out around town and I get things done. I love spending my evenings (and some mornings) at exercise classes, bible study, and serving with the students at church. I’m enjoying making dinner plans with new friends and even had brunch today (on Valentine’s Day) with a new friend.

All of these new things in my life are great but that doesn’t mean that I don’t miss James. Sometimes I feel like I wish we could have that do-over, just like Tully talked about on Firefly Lane. I wish we could meet up in person and talk about all of this and realize these things together. I wish we could start over and maintain our own lives but be together and go to sleep and wake up together everyday. I wish we could hold onto what worked and fix what didn’t work.

I feel like there is no end to missing him. I feel like I constantly put on this façade that everything is great but deep down, I’m still hurting. If you’d seen what my house looks like these days, you’d understand. I’ve always been the person who tries to keep my house tidy and I even “chop” the pillows on my couch and make my bed everyday. Lately, I don’t do any of those things. My kitchen seems to be an endless mess, my pillows don’t look nice, there’s papers on my kitchen table, my bed isn’t made, and I haven’t even put my suitcase away from my recent travels. The laundry is piling up, once again.

When does this end? Will there come a day when I stop missing him? If I’m not looking to meet someone new right now, how will I move on?

Maybe tomorrow (as I tell myself everyday), I’ll clean my house and get my life back together. Aside from my house, the goal these days has been to get myself back in shape and lose some weight (that I gained while we were dating). It’s not even that I want to look like I did when I met James but I want to look better than that and even better than when I was spending time with Ryan.

I don’t think it’s a bad thing to focus on myself right now and even if we never get that do-over or I wake up and it’s April (like in my dream last week), I’ve learned to never let go of my own life. Never stop maintaining your own life for your relationship because you need both your life on your own and your life together in order to have the best kind of relationship. It has to be a good balance of both.

Happy Valentine’s Day! You are never, ever alone.

xoxo

Annie

[victoriousvictoriajackson-blog]

February 23, 2018 - Oblivescence

I only got up because I wanted to try and change your mind again. It seems everyday for the past few years of High School I have been trying to paint clarity, mold interest, replicate passion. But it is like trying to do it with only black paint. Nonetheless, despite last night and what happened with my friends, and everything else I’m sure I’ll explain, I woke up at 6:31 in the morning (somehow I didn’t oversleep the entire morning, since my alarm failed) just to try again. 

By the end of the day, driving home with my mom, I realized I had failed everything. It was lunch time. I left without looking or telling my friends, and they hadn’t noticed despite being a few feet from me. Not until the end of lunch I received a phone call from one of them, the worst one of all, asking if I was OK. 

I have failed with everyone. I tried telling my dad about the IB program, how hard it is, how I have my tests coming up. Suddenly and very quickly he said “I have to go, I am at the store. I’ll I’ll call you later.” Like he always says, but never means it. I know I can’t read minds, I know I could be missing pieces of the story, but why do I always annoy him?

Then my mom. She’s heard me, she’s said so. But she never changes. I ask her to be thoughtful. I ask her not to drink anymore. Oh, it’s a part of her personality, who she is. I guess it never happened. I am just living the in the past. Being hit in the face starts to hurt less after a while, right? 

Biggest of all, because I am leaving soon and I couldn’t care less anymore about the stubborn entity that is my parents. 

People.

People are selfish, envious, insatiable, hedonistic. 

There are a few who are not, but I would estimate that less than .00001% of the world population is. The number changes depending on society’s age, culture, deaths and births, but it doesn’t get any higher than that number. I’m not included in that number. 

Yesterday, on Facebook, I received a message. It was in a group chat with all of my friends (6 of us on there, 8 in real life). Dell had just been officially kicked out of her house by her mom. I know Dell and her step-dad didn’t get along very well. She’s never met her real dad, or if she has and I just forgot he never makes an effort for her. And by doesn’t get along I mean that he (according to Dell), breaks her stuff, screams at her, forces her to get a job and more. In my opinion, there’s absolutely more to the story. There’s no way she comes home, does as she is told, and still gets kicked out. Here’s how the conversation went, exactly: 

Dell: so guys i actually got kicked out of my house and now i guess im homeless or something? idk where to go or what to do but i have some of my stuff in my car. I stopped by my uncles house for the internet but i actually am so worried right now

Olivia: oh my god, do you need a place to stay?are you okay?WHAT HAPPENED?!

Dell: i dont know. my dad wasnt home when i was there but my mom told me that i better find a friend because i cant live there anymorei dont know! i dont know where to go or what to do honestly. oh and apparently last night when i was downstairs my dad threw my phone on the hardwood floor so it shattered so i dont have that anymore

Olivia: Thats ridiculous! you are free to come here if you need a place to stay or anything! Oh my god! that is SO unfair! wtf!?

Dell: i really appreciate that! im just scared right now about what to do.

Olivia: of course, im really sorry. Where are you right now?

Dell:  my aunt and uncles house just so i could find internet. idk if im allowed to stay here tonight though

Olivia: oh geeze, thats horrible! especially with all the already-existing stress right now

Dell: Right?! college, and ib tests and now this on top?! its too muchhh

Olivia: yeah, ugh idk how i'd deal with that. Again, you're free to stay here (my house is small and messy but theres always welcoming space) and Im sure anyone in our friend group will let you stay too!

Sarah: Dell You can come to my house too! There's plenty of room, seriously. My address is 3403 D RoadDo you have clothes and stuff? Do you need someone to take you by your house tomorrow and help you pack? My mum can escort you cause she's scary and she'll make your mum let you in

Zoe: RIP Dell

LATER:

Me: DELL WHATWHATWHAT????!!!!!??Okay I have an idea !!! Help Dell fund where we all get jobs and support Dek :,( :,( :,(Also yes I am willing to help with anything of course. I am just so shocked they actually did that to you

Tully: Me too. That’s so ridiculous I can hardly believe it. You poor thing, you don’t deserve that at all!

Olivia: know! It's so ridiculous! We're all here for you dell!I know and this is the WORST time to do it like you said! I hope she responds again soon I am worried

Tully: Seriously!! And me too. I’m sure she’s just at her aunt and uncles and hasn’t checked the computer or whatever she was using to text us. But yeah, I hope she responds so we can figure out where she can stay for the night and all that. God, I still can’t believe this is really happening! It’s insane!!

Me: I know how do parents actually kick their kids out, especially Dell!! Dang is she like a secret drug dealer or something that we don't know about? I'm happy she at least has her aunt and uncle too!

Tully: I know!! It makes no sense!! Yeah, I’m glad she has them, and she has us too! But still, that is going to be really hard ugh poor Dell

So, eventually in our phone group chat, separate from the Facebook one (the phone one includes all 8 friends), the topic comes up again. Is Dell okay? Where is she, what ended up happening?

I text Claudia, the closest friend to Dell and second closest to Zoe. Tully and Olivia are new to the 4 crowd (5 if you count Sarah, but many times she is excluded as she’s not as liked anymore), so they aren’t nearly as close, but they still care a whole lot. I ask Claudia if she has heard about the drama. Claudia says that all she knows is that Dell is at Zoe’s house. She also says how left out she feels from information. 

Here’s the first problem #1. Zoe told Claudia, but not me, and not anyone else. That means that Dell, Zoe and Claudia all knew where Dell was, but not me. Instantly, i feel wayy more left out than Claudia says she supposedly feels. But it gets worse. 

I ask Claudia after a bit of complaining about how left out we both feel, not realizing the above, if I should let Tully, Olivia, Sarah and Isabelle know that Dell is OK. Claudia says something along the lines of “uhh I don’t know you know maybe we should ask”. So I say, OK, I will ask Zoe. 

Here’s my second problem #2. Claudia lied to me about feeling left out. Officially lied. I could be paranoid, but I seriously believe it doesn’t add up. 

I ask Zoe if I can tell our friends where Dell is. Zoe says a relatable joke, then replies with “No, she wants to remain mysterious.” 

Problem #3. I genuinely cared about Dell. The reason I wasn’t going to find out if she is OK was because she wanted to be “mysterious”? I guess I shouldn’t have cared nearly as much as I did, because she was actually feeding on that attention. 

Problem #4. If that is true, then the above problem applies, and I can honestly say I’ve related and felt that way. It is a TERRIBLE, ATTENTION thing. If it isn’t true, then it sure does sound like something easy to make up when you don’t have a good reason to someone you DON’T TRUST. 

So I reply “I’m definitely going to need clarification on that mysterious part lol”

Zoe says “because RIP Dell, y’know?” jokingly. Then she says, lengthily, how “she just doesn’t want anyone knowing where she is right now, but I am telling you because you special.”

Problem #5. She wasn’t going to tell me whatsoever. I am not special. She is complimenting me to make up for her guilt so that I still like her. 

Problem #6. If this is a “special” case, it can be officially confirmed that none of them trusted me OR liked/cared about me enough to tell me. Remember, I cared about Dell and was worried. 

So today I left because of that. The entire day I had avoided starting conversation, and would only reply when they talked to me first. Then, driving with my mom on the way home and the music on, over the bridge, I saw him. The guy I had gotten up just to see that day. I’d saw him earlier for a whole hour (never happens, we don’t have any classes together anymore, but we’re both in the same program). It was awesome, definitely satisfying. 

He knows how I feel, which I should also add. I know he looked at me twice but I don’t know how much more. And sometimes you can tell when someone just doesn’t know what to do with their body because you are around. He either hates me or doesn’t know what to say to me about how he feels. Of course, I am living on the idea that he is at least attracted to me (based on many past experiences as well). 

I saw him on the bridge with his sunglasses on and someone in the passenger seat (in the moment I thought it was his brother, but I never actually looked at the passenger’s face). Of course, he is the hottest thing when he literally does anything, even covering his face from me in class. 

But I felt like I had failed everything. I didn’t have him. I am probably delusional. No one favorites me in the friend group. I know it is partially my fault. I don’t ask to hang out with any of them one on one. But do I really want to? People are so selfish. I don’t want them to know anymore about me than they already do. 

I did ask him to hang out one on one last year, Junior year. He said sure, but it never went through because when i asked him the next day what he wanted to do (in real life, both times), he couldn’t say anything. He was with his friends, but he was definitely uncomfortable. Even angry. So I said “okay, see you later.” We haven’t talked one on one since then. 

But I have texted him. I want to say 3 times I initiated conversation on Instagram, since i didn’t have his number. He followed me first near the end of Junior year, when his friends made one for him. First, I messaged him a picture of a turtle, because I knew he liked them. Then, I reassured him I didn’t like his friend. He asked me “Okay, so who do you like??” Then, i replied “You! But it’s okay if you don’t feel that way. I was paranoid Kailey said something.” I never got a reply from him after that. 

Then 5 months later, he unfollowed me on Instagram. Of course I noticed the hour of. So I texted him again and it was emotional. I asked him casually “why have I been defollowfied?” And said, “i really regret ever saying anything. I just want to go back to normal.” Again, never got a reply.

The next day at school, he sent me video of him in Spanish, covering his ears. I thought it was funny and I replied with “that reminded me of the Vietnam war.” 

He asked “who is this?” 

I said “I am me, who is this?”

And he flipped me off. This time, I didn’t reply. I sent things and then removed them (which I am happy you can do) before he saw them. That was November. Now it is near the end of February. February 23rd to be exact. 

I woke up just to try again. This Monday, I will try again. This time, by passing by him 3 times in the hallway in the morning.