#they don't fuck they use a turkey baster

[florallylly]

stobin best friends and lavender married in the nursing home telling stories about being tortured by russians and their grandkids are like okay grandpa sure thing. i think they have dementia

[pip-n-chips]

So, I’m at Remy’s farm, being a cow and all that, Harper uses that serum on me, and now I’m pregnant?

Did Harper put his fucking jizz in that stuff? What? What’s happening? Is he carrying around his baby gravy in stuff? Did he just TURKEY BASTER MY PC?

Ohhh that's to help with milk production, I'd bet. Gotta be impregnated to be the best dairy cow you can be <3

Also, I don't think it's confirmed if it IS his or not but, god, could you imagine if it is from him?

Remy comes up to him one day, telling him his plans for you and what needs to be done, and Harper jumps at the chance. Maybe he's thought about it before, pumping his cum into you and breeding you oh so thoroughly, or maybe he only starts thinking about it once the chance arises. Either way, it doesn't take him long to fill up that tube as he cums again and again and again to the thought of you.

I could also imagine him having it all prepared in advance, kept in a special fridge to keep it preserved. It's all for "just in case" scenarios, of course. It would be a shame he let all his sperm from previous.... sessions, go to waste!

(putting the original screenshot under the cut since the screenshot of the second ask shrinks it)

[amurderofcrowswithknives]

I'm gonna say this to start with, I am not very good at writing books. The extent of my knowledge in that area is just a constant "you know what'd be fucking awesome?". However, my ability to come up with weird/cool ideas is one of my best traits, imo. Couple that with most of the queer representation in media being under the genre of romance, and you have the following idea.

In about 20 years from modern day, scientists in Antarctica find something buried miles under the ice. It's best described as a carnivorous locust the size of a horse, and shortly after thawing it out, it identifies the team of scientists before it, and eats them one by one. Once this happens, swarms of the fuckers start flying towards Earth, intent on eating everything the planet has to offer in the way of organic sapient life.

Around the same time, aliens initiate first contact with humanity, basically saying "There's a swarm of giant angry bugs en route to your planet intent on eating anything sapient. We're sending our biggest transport ships to help with a mass exodus, in the meantime, don't confront them, they adapt to counter the most threatening qualities of their prey and exploit their weaknesses."

All the humans evacuate, not wanting to be eaten alive by giant locusts. All except one. The protagonist (or love interest) gets left behind by their extremely conservative parents to face the bugs alone. Naturally, the aliens take note of this, and send an android soldier to help them escape the swarm alive, because for some reason, the energy emitted by their batteries interferes with the bugs' method of hunting prey. Problem is, the extraction point somehow got placed on the other side of the country the human is in. The android soldier eventually develops feelings for the human, and once they're off-world, they make it official, with the soldier justifying it to their commanding officer as follows: "You sent me to keep this human safe, and from what I have heard of their family, they would not be safe with them. As such, I am going to remain with them, ensuring they are safe, happy, and taken care of."

If any of you end up using this idea, feel free to make the human and robot whatever gender you like, so long as they are both LGBTQ. Refusal to do so will result in the immediate and incredibly painful removal of your skeletal structure using nothing but a mildly rotten cantaloupe, a turkey baster, and the instructions for an IKEA desk.

[dumbdomb]

ok, i don't have a breeding kink, but this idea came to me in a jimothy neutron style brain blast: using external toys to fuck them and filling their hole with store bought slime via some medical syringe or turkey baster 🫣

Read my pinned before you interact! 18+ only.

[oneforthemunny]

Cowboy!Eddie showing you how artificial insemination works because you’re curious, except he uses you and his own preferred method on doing it.

I think I might be dumb bc all I'm thinking of is a turkey baster... but I don't think you mean him fucking you with a turkey baster right lmao? please elaborate bc I know nothing about the process of animals artificial insemination.

[ladykailolu]

Jake and Godot tryna change a diaper on baby Maggie and baby Sadie-Mae

Godot: How could something so small...create something so disgusting?

Jake: Beats the shit outta me.

Godot: Hand me the other diaper.

Jake: Shouldn't we wash her?

Godot: We'll wash her later. Get me the cotton.

Jake: Here it is *hands over a fuck ton of cotton balls*

Godot: Just give me a little cotton. I don't need a package. Get me the cotton wipes. This is disgusting. It's all over and it's sticky. We're gonna need some kind of cleaning fluid to get it off.

Jake: How about after shave?

Godot: Come on, Jake, just get me a diaper.

Jake: *hands over a huge diaper*

Godot: *opens up the diaper* Do these tapes go in the front or back?

Jake: How am I supposed to know? These are way too big! What size did you get?

Godot: They're ultra absorbent! The more absorbent, the better.

The baby: *squirming around*

Godot: Hold her! She's going crazy.

Jake: I don't want to.

Godot: Come on, Jake! *tries to get the diaper closed*

Jake: You're going to rip it.

Godot: I'm not going to rip it.

Jake: Yes, you are!

Godot: *rips the diaper* Get me another diaper. I'll use the tape. I'll use the tape from the diaper and I'll tape it up.

The baby: *squirming around, cooing*

Godot: Take it easy, kid. *tapes the diaper on the baby* There, see? It's working. Piece of cake. Yeah. *lifts the baby up*

The baby: *diaper immediately falls off*

Jake: Nice job, Godot.

The baby: *pees on the couch*

Godot: The little insect was just waiting...for that diaper to fall off.

Jake: I think we're in trouble.

Later

Jake: *scrubbing the pee from the couch* I'm going to kill Gyro. I'm going to kill him.

Even later

Godot: *holding the baby over the sink filled with soapy water* Here's the deal. Jake?

Jake: *dabbing at the baby with a soapy sponge* What?

Godot: You're going to have to wash where the poop was. Come on.

Jake: All right. *squirts soapy water at the baby with a turkey baster*

Godot: You're not getting anything off that way.

Jake: *dabs at the baby with a soapy sponge* There you go. That's clean.

Godot: I'll rinse her.

Jake: Rinse her for a little bit.

Godot: *lowers the baby into the soapy water* There we go.

Jake: *grabs a bottle of baby lotion* This is for moisturizing...

Godot: Don't use the baby lotion now.

Jake: It says, "prevents chapping"

Godot: Just wash her.

Jake: I'll put some in just to make sure.

Even later

Godot: *swaddles the baby in a blanket without a diaper then carries her*

The baby: *poops*

Godot: ...

[bakugouscentedcaramel]

🍋 Daddy II: The Belt 🍋

🍋~🍋~🍋~🍋~🍋~🍋~🍋~🍋~

Xjjdjd of course I'll do a sequel to one of my most popular posts dnsns

This is a fuckin necessity:

Also the amount of self control I had to NOT call Hawks junk a Turkey Baster is an eighth wonder of the world

Aizawa

He has no idea how this happened. He was just trying to go to sleep but now here you are, grinding your pussy against his mouth. Not that he minded but still, the man needs sleep.

His tongue traced out your pussy's features while he groaned, causing you to quiver above him. He took advantage of his position and trapped your hips with his arms, one of his hands working your clit while he continued to drink you for all your worth.

He could feel your thighs tense up so he picked up his pace. He couldn't help but revel in the image of you in absolute bliss above him, squirming because of him. He flinched when your hand found his bulge.

"daddy, I need it..." You groaned out unknowingly.

He smirked against you and gripped your hips tight enough to leave marks in the morning. The pressure making you realize what you said. His new goal now is to make you into an absolute mess before he even thinks of fucking you into the mattress. Your thighs lock him in as you cum, your moans only fueling him to overstimulate your needy pussy.

Once you start trying to squirm away he releases you and pins you down onto the bed.

"You better get used to calling me Daddy, Kitten." He starts to slide off his pants and you knew you were in for it.

Hawks

The only noises that filled the room was heavy breaths and the slapping of skin. He was ramming into you from behind, his thrusts powerful and deep. He leaned into your back to reach your clit, rubbing fast circles around it as he repositioned himself and you swore his cock got bigger. His wings sheltered your body as his thrusts became more desperate for release. His groans and grunts nearly sending you over the edge as it is. That was until he started thrusting particularly deeper making you see stars.

"F-fuck me, Daddy~" you manage to choke out through your sporadic moans.

That was what finally sent him over the edge. His orgasm causing his wings to shoot outwards as he bucked his hips into your ass. His cock twitching inside you as it spurted ropes of his release into you.

You might've just found his new nickname.

Kaminari

The frame of the bed creaked and groaned disapprovingly at the sinful act that was taking place on it.

Denki was laying down, thrusting into you while you were on his lap. His cock stretching you as you bounced eagerly on top of it, begging for even more friction. His hands found their way to your breasts and he tweaked your nipples sending shockwaves through your spine. As if knowing this he sent a small jolt of electricity through one of your breasts. You arched your back and groaned into the back of your hand, attempting to conceal the true noises you wanted to make.

"Nngh, babe don't, do that.." he grabbed your hand from your mouth and kissed it while locking eyes with you.

He sent another jolt through your other breast and you couldn't hold it in anymore.

"Aghh fUCk, more Daddy, plea-SE AH FUCK"

He accidentally sent a stronger jolt through your body causing your pussy to grip his cock with more force than he could handle. He let out a choked grunt before grabbing your hips forcing them to still against his.

After you both caught your breath from the intense orgasms he smirked at you.

"Daddy huh?"

Fuck.jpeg

[willow-salix]

Random bit of fun that popped into my head. Grandma Tracy + Selene + cooking sherry =

Selene checked the recipe again and nodded to Grandma. It couldn't be that hard could it, to be all domesticated and shit? She had many manly men that she had to cook for, not that she went in for all the "a woman's place is in the kitchen" stereotypes,  but she did think it was important that they came home to something better than their Grandmother's cooking attempts after a tough rescue, and this one looked like it would be a nightmare mission. 

She could cook most things, basic and homely she called it, having learnt baking from her Nan, although she did like to challenge herself now and then.

She had decided in her infinite wisdom that if she was capable of making simple dishes like lasagna, chilli's, soups, burgers, pizza's pancakes, breakfasts and the like, coupled with the fact that she was actually good at baking, she could manage to help Grandma in her mission. It shouldn't be that hard to make their boys some lovely fresh donuts, something they all loved.  Yep, that was a plan! 

Grandma Tracy had wandered back and forth while Selene was assembling the ingredients, flour, salt, yeast, eggs, milk and melted butter and insisted on helping, trying to add her own selections to the mix which Selene gently vetoed, hiding them in the microwave. It would be fine, with her overseeing the proceedings Grandma couldn't get into too much trouble, could she? 

Selene directed Grandma as they slowly added the wet ingredients into a big mixing bowl, one at a time until they made a relatively smooth mixture, then Grandma added that little by little to the flour, Selene mixing with her hands until they had a rough dough. 

She dribbled some oil onto the worktop, dumped out the bowl and began to knead the slop, gradually feeling it grow thicker and less gloopy, more springy. Damn this was hard work!

"Let me have a try, you youngsters don't know the meaning of hard work."

Selene stepped aside to let Grandma T take her turn, but within a minute the older lady was huffing as bad as Selene was. 

They tag teamed back and forth for a few minutes but her fingers were cramping and she was sure that she had inhaled so much flour she'd be sneezing bread rolls.  She went to wipe her forehead but her hands were so greasy with the oil she gave in. She didn't want to resort to cheating, but needs must. 

She whispered a little chant under her breath when Grandma made her excuses to go to the bathroom and watched as the dough kneaded itself, plumping up and down and flipping itself over as she washed her hands and settled down with a can of cherry coke. The dough flopped itself back into its bowl after a few more minutes and she covered it over and placed it on the windowsill to rise for an hour.  

And she promptly forgot about it, wandering off with Grandma to catch up on "The bold and the beautiful" a TV show that Grandma watched religiously and that had become Selene's guilty pleasure whenever she was on the island. 

Upon returning to the kitchen after learning that Chico was Marion's secret son and that Charlie's amnesia was fake, they found the bowl overflowing and the dough creeping its way towards the floor.

"Stupid magic kneading!" Selene dived at the dough, nudging Armstrong out for the way just as he tried to bat at it with his paw. "No! Bad cat. Leave it!" 

She cradled it in her arms like it was a baby, a big, messy, yeasty baby that was determined to get the fuck out of dodge. She balanced on one leg as she tried to hold it up with her knee, kneeing it like she was playing keepy uppy with a football. 

"Grandma, get a bowl! A big one!" She gave it a big push upwards as Grandma shoved a huge bowl under it, catching the evil, still growing blob. 

"What's wrong with it?" Grandma asked as she poked at it with her finger, diving back when it looked like it would consume her whole hand. 

"Nothings wrong with it, I'm sure it'll be fine."

Against her better judgement, and Selene wasn't known to be entirely sane at the best of times, she grabbed the biggest saucepan they had and filled it with oil, setting it on the stove to boil. Should only take a few minutes....  

She watched as the oil began to bubble and smoke,  knowing it was about as hot as it would get. Witches didn't like boiling oil, call her silly but that had always been something to avoid in the olden days, which was probably why she had taken the few minutes to kit herself out in a huge apron, Scott's spare bike helmet and a pair of Virgil's thick work gloves. Couldn't be too careful. 

She dug her hands into the dough, hitting it with her elbow when it looked like it might try to be the one to eat her before they cooked it. "No! Down! Bad dough!" 

She was sure it would be fine once it was cooked,  witches made everything a bit more lively, the boys could attest to that.

"Watch out Grandma, don't get too close." 

She scooped out a handful and rolled it into a ball then holding it at arm's length, dropped it in the oil like it was a hand grenade. Boom, the oil jumped up to meet her and she stepped back with a squeak of shock. Not good. Nope nope so much nope. Not doing that again. 

"Oh don't worry, it always does that when I cook too," Grandma shrugged as she crossed to the fridge to get herself a drink. "Keep going, it'll be fine."

After rolling another ball, which she caught before it rolled off the counter and across the floor yelling  'cry freedom', she sourced a pair of BBQ tongs to hold it with and dropped it carefully in the oil. 

"That seemed to work," Grandma encouraged. "Keep doing that."

Ball after ball followed and her roll, grab and drop operation was going so well she completely forgot that the oil was actually cooking the damn things. 

"Uh…little too brown maybe…" she fished them out and dumped them into a bowl lined with kitchen towel. She poked them, were they OK? 

"They'll be fine with some powdered sugar on them," Grandma proclaimed wisely, although Selene wasn't too sure. "Do the rest, that's nowhere near enough to feed my boys."

Grandma supervised as Selene slowly worked her way through the dough mass, which seemed to have lost its determination now she had effectively scooped half of it away, though it was still making a strange wheezing noise as it attempted to grow some more. She'd soon put a stop to that! She quickly rolled and tossed more balls into the oil, having perfected her drop and duck technique.  Paranoid that she'd burn the next lot she got them out earlier...Perhaps a little too early, as they stuck to her tongs as she slapped them into the bowl. 

"Damn it."

"Jelly will fix them, " Grandma nodded sagely, "Jelly fixes everything."

Selene threw the last of the balls, now looking slightly less ball like and more like lumps of dough that she was too fucked off with to fix, and began to search the cupboards for something to insert the jam inside the balls. 

She located a turkey baster that Parker had insisted they needed to cook a decent Christmas dinner, and that Alan had secretly been using to squirt the Gordon with. Selene had filled it with whisky that one time and used it to fire at Scott from opposite ends of the couch in an attempt to reach each others mouths. She grinned at the memory.

As if reading her mind- maybe she was a witch too- Grandma vanished and reappeared with half a bottle of cooking sherry. 

"Would you like a little taste? I find it helps me relax sometimes when I'm cooking, you're too tense."

Well, that might explain a few of Grandma's more adventurous dishes. 

Selene looked at the bottle, she could actually do with a little of that right now. She held out her coke can and Grandma poured a healthy splash into the remains of her coke.

"Don't tell John," Selene warned as she gulped down some of the drink for strength as she faced the fried dough balls she was supposed to fix. 

She grabbed a pot of smooth jam out of the cupboard and sucked some up into the baster -not that easy to do it turned out- and holding one of the cooked balls she stabbed it with the end of the rubber syringe. It went right through.  

"Shit!" 

She tried again, splitting another one. 

"Fuck!" 

"Language, Selene!" 

"Sorry, Grandma."

"Let me try," Sally managed to get the tip in one and squirted a generous amount into the donut. But didn't count on the force of her squeezing making the donut shoot off the end and fly across the room to smack Armie in the eye.

"Fuck!" 

"Grandma!" Selene was shocked, but had the terrible urge to giggle. 

Sorry," Grandma apologised, both to Selene and the cat, trying again.

                                    ***

The bowl was a jammy,�� powdered sugar covered, slightly oily mess and Selene was on her third can of sherry and coke and honestly, she no longer really gave a shit. 

Who's stupid idea had this been? It was the thought that counted right? 

Grandma had given up over an hour ago and gone to bed, knowing the boys would be heading home soon and Selene desperately needed a shower. She had jam in her hair, sugar sticking to her hands and she'd lost the will to live. 

She plonked the bowl in the middle of the kitchen counter. 

"Sexy spaceman of mine," she texted, "sorry they look like shit…yeah, can't really explain what happened there…but I'll be naked in bed if that helps." She snapped a picture to go with it and called it good, promising to clean up in the morning. 

And she wound her way on slightly unsteady feet,  up the stairs and into the bathroom to shower off the remains of her one and only attempt to cook something you could buy easier,  promising herself a trip to Krispy Kreme in the very near future, and flopped on the bed wrapped in nothing but a towel. 

                                       ***

"John?" Gordon stared at the text that had popped up on all their comms less than 30 seconds ago. 

"I don't even know."

Their brother's long suffering, defeated tone just made the whole thing even funnier. 

"Think you had better get down here, bro," Virgil chuckled. "We'll be home in five."

"Yeah, that's probably wise," Scott added. 

Even EOS seemed to find the whole situation amusing, which in itself was a little bit worrying, as John rode the elevator down to the island. 

Alan and Gordon were staring at the bowl as if it might explode any minute. John spotted the empty sherry bottle in the sink and sighed. 

"Grandma got the sherry out." 

"That's not good," Scott agreed as he too entered the war zone, formerly known as the kitchen, his eyes taking in the precariously piled bowls, the flour that coated every surface, the oil patch that Alan almost slipped in and the grease splattered stove top, the pan of oil sitting abandoned. His bike helmet was on one of the stools and one of Virgil's gloves peeked out from the bottom bowl of the stack, though it was so covered in dough you could barely tell what it was. 

Virgil brought up the rear, his nose wrinkling at the slightly smokey, oily smell that hung in the air. 

"Dare you to eat one," Gordon nudged Alan. 

"Hell no! John should, it's his girlfriend that made them."

"Fiancée," John automatically corrected, poking gingerly at the contents of the bowl. "And no, I don't think so."

"Scott, you're the brave one, you like to take a risk now and then, you do it."

"Like the rescue wasn't risky enough? No way. Virg, you try, it's like modern art, appreciate it."

"Nope, I like my taste buds where they are, Gordo, you do it, it was your idea."

Gordon paled as he looked into the bowl. "All of us?" he asked hopefully. 

The boys exchanged glances and then one by one they all reached into the bowl, their competitive streak unable to resist, selecting the least offensive looking offerings. 

"On three?" Scott confirmed. "One…two…three!"

As one they all tossed their donuts into their mouths, chewing madly, their faces contorting into identical grimaces of horror and disgust. 

Alan raced to the trash can, opening his mouth to let the offending evil drop out of his mouth. 

"Urghh, it was raw inside," he shuddered. 

Gordon followed suit, spitting his out. "Mines burnt."

Virgil managed to swallow his. "Mine was all sugar which pretty much hid everything."

Scott had a dribble of jelly running down his chin to drip onto his uniform, his mouth hanging open as if he didn't dare close it again. Virgil handed him a paper towel and he grateful spat out the offensive food.

"My God, that was foul."

They all looked at John, who was still chewing his dough ball, now matter how much he worked it, it never got any smaller. In the end he too gave up and spat it into the trash. "It was like trying to eat a rubber ball."

Virgil tossed the remains into the trash to spare Kayo and Brains the same horror. "At least they tried."

Too tired to actually be bothered with real food, Scott handed round some bowls and Virgil grabbed a box of cereal and some milk.

They all ate quickly, eating in companionable silence, standing up, leaning against various cupboards and furniture, knowing if they sat down they would likely never get up again.

"Damn!" John moved suddenly, breaking the silence of the room, dumping his half eaten cereal in the sink.

"What's wrong?" Scott frowned, instantly worried.

"I just remembered the rest of her message," he was already running towards the stairs, "I've got a naked woman waiting for me."

Alan shuddered, gagging on his mouthful of cereal. "I did not need to know that."

[dgcatanisiri]

PREACH.

This is why I refuse to buy the Legendary Edition. It was ENTIRELY in their power to edit in with the existing voice files the M!Shep/Kaidan romance, and it sold enough that you absolutely could justify bringing the actors back for a day to cover pickup dialogue and patch it in. They didn't. They chose to let the homophobia of 2007 stand in 2021.

And that is a continual choice by BioWare. Because they actively shortchanged queer men in Mass Effect Andromeda, and had to be openly shamed about it.

And people didn't show up again for the Legendary Edition. So guess what I'm expecting to see happen in ME5? That's right, MORE OF THE FUCKING SAME.

Like you wanna start me on Gil's story in specific, too? Cuz I've got that rant - the ENTIRE. THING. is centered on a very heteronormative premise, the idea that everyone will have children. The whole thing is framed from the perspective that children are inevitable in a relationship, even though, by definition, you will not have that inevitability in a same-sex relationship. Gil is being pressured to have a kid by Jill, and you KNOW that if the characters were reversed, if Gil were a fertility tech pressuring his lesbian best friend to let him borrow her womb for nine months, this would have gotten a world of backlash, if it had even made it to the final draft.

Gil isn't a character so far as Andromeda cares about him. He's a turkey baster waiting to be used. Everything he gets centers on the motions of getting him to reproduce. He does not exist as a character without the aspects of him that relate to him being carried to that end result of a child - even if Ryder tells him 'no' about having kids (and let's also talk about how saying you don't want kids locks you out of the kiss on Meridian at the end of the game, as if saying that Gil and Ryder's relationship is less real because of it, AND that the other M/M romance option at release in Reyes - who's his own can of worms - ALSO doesn't kiss Ryder, so in addition to having one fewer romance than everyone in the game at release, queer men are ALSO easily locked out of the endgame kiss, unlike anyone else), Gil's postgame conversation is about how Jill is pregnant.

His story is not about him. It is, at best, a story trying to be a message, but forgets to have any content to that message besides the final result.

And, of course, we have Reyes, the latest version of BioWare's Bisexual Bad Boy trope. This is their most commonly tapped well - Sky, Zevran, Anders, you can probably fit Bull in there, and even being gay, Dorian fits the general archetype as well. This well went dry a long time ago, but they still try and trot it out once a game as if it's all new. It's tiresome at its best, and is long past the point that it should be appearing EVERYWHERE.

That BioWare does offer queer representation at all is, sadly, still a novelty in the industry at large. I do recognize that it's some aspect of culture, and there's probably pushback from the CEO suits at the corporate level. But the bar is LOW, and at best, BioWare tends to tap it and call that excellence, rather than making efforts to push it higher. I'd love it if, behind the various NDAs and such, there are hopes and desires to push forward and do better, but, until and unless those expire or someone breaks them, I have to work with the framework that I see reflected in the product they put out.

And that product feels like I am seen as an afterthought at best, that my representation is there grudgingly, with the REAL attention focused elsewhere, and there is an expectation that I should be grateful just for that.

CONFESSION:

As a gay guy who loves video games, all I truly want is the writers to stop giving us scraps, to stop catering to the female fans who fetishize us and to finally be brave enough to create some fully developed gay characters who don't follow the typical stereotype/tropes some people in this fandom expect like wanting kids, etc. Thats it. Thats all I want. I will understand if the mods can't post this. I don't want them to get hate.

Mod Note: No worries confessor. Your confession did not violate the guidelines and you are entitled to your thoughts. -SMC

[thenihilistofthevoid]

"You'll fuck anyone to get ahead, that much is obvious. Shaw, Clint... Christ, I dread to think who's next on your agenda you vampire. Is it because you want another kid and and you're tired of using a turkey baster?" He spat coldly. "You think I'm frightened of some dark magic hack who only has a fragment of Phoenix Force? Barely a spark, I feel it inside you... And before you start posturing, I'd recommend you back off. The Phoenix Force has a sibling, a shadow. The darkness to it's light, the destruction to it's creation. The reason I know Jean. So by all means, if you want to bring our powers into this argument, I'm not opposed. Just don't think it's a confrontation you'll come out of with your atoms still intact afterwards if I decide to get serious, if I think you or your little club are genuinely threatening anyone I care about. Stay out of my friend's relationships, keep your shit to yourself, and your son still has someone to call mother. Goodbye, Madeline. This hasn't been pleasant."

"Maddy, is it that you choose people already in relationships because you're not a real person or is it the other way round? Maybe you should clone them, then you'd finally have something in common with them."

“Excuse me? Did someone loose this little girl? She’s spouting nonsense and I am afraid I’m not a daycare for orphans.”

[the-community-mascara]

Year 2 Part 3

~ (the line)"Damn fog."

"What did he say?"

"Damn... Fog?"

"Oh it sounded like you said Damn Fuck."

~ "please let me say fuck."

"No it says blast but this is America so we are saying screw-"

"But I've already said both my grandma doesn't have to know! She'd say 'that's what my boyfriend says in his rap songs'"

"What"

"Yup. They met at the prison when she worked there. He was in the phsyciatric ward for killing his parents, then they started dating and then she got fired and he got out and now he's a rapper."

"Oh god."

~ *crew member walks by in pink pajama pants with ice cream all over them*

"I want your pants."

~ "you just licked it! I don't know what's been in that mouth of yours!"

"Plenty, I'm sure."

"OH"

~ "oh I'm gonna look like Dr. Doofenshmertz!"

"No I said like my nose!"

~ "ow my chesticles hurt"

~ *across the auditorium* "HEY HALEY YOU WANT SOME HONEY MUSTARD?"

"No?!" *honey mustard is thrown, the guy who threw it's brother comes over* "it semi exploded"

"Ok Google, Caleb what the fuck?"

~ *a few minutes after the honey mustard thing, Caleb is cleaning it up* "don't you just love the smell of honey mustard on the floor?"

"Not particularly"

~ "ugh it feels like a shaved nut sack"

~ "guys if I just like fall over and pass out just leave me because I just took some medicine I've never had before."

~ *on stage someone forgets a line that interrupts someone else's*

"Oh gee I could go on forever about the window iF oNlY SoMeoNE wOuLD StOp mE"

"I get it I get ithang on"

*a few minutes later, roles reversed*

"Oh gee I could go on forever about the finger prints iF oNlY SoMeoNE wOuLD StOp mE"

"Don't use my words against me."

~ *someone forgets a line and everyone tells him* "I know I know hang on I was playing Animal Crossing!"

~ "I love your accent it sounds like you are holding a sausage on a fork."

"I like that I know what he means"

~ (the line is "she's fifteen years younger than you are") " She's fifteen youngers than you are."

*everyone loosing it*

"What?"

"she's how many youngers than she is?"

"OH"

*EVERYONE DYING OF LAUGHTER AND MAKING FUN OF YOUNGERS*

~ "are you watching the price is right?"

"... This is Rupaul's DragRace you uncultured Swine!"

~ "yall are saucier than an Italian restaurant."

~ "we love being mermaids"

~ *the show ends with a stabbing and we are trying to figure out a good song to end it with* "STAB HIM ONE MORE TIME"... *three seconds later* " STAB HIM AGAIN" "AND AGAIN" "ONCE MORE" "TWO MORE TIMES"

~ "You guys act like I know what I'm doing but I really don't."

~ *balance a script binder on her head, in full judge garb, walking in a line* "I'm a Cinderella. A pretty pretty princess"

~ "Frick frack train track what do I do?"

~ "You look like a librarian in a porn video."

~ *the director to an actor playing a girl the main guy is cheating with* "you're sexy, not thirteen!"

~ "oh there's hentai in here"

~ "oh I forgot to put on a bra this morning"

"It good man no one cares if you have your lines down. Titty out titty in no one cares."

~ "she's so sick she forgot her pants"

~ *last day of tech aka Crew Onsie Day*

~ *a girl is saying ppls names and asking how they are doing* "hey Will. How you doin?"

"I lost your sprite"

"WhAT?!"

~ *chairs fall during a scene during last day of tech*

"*gasp* it's an earthquake"

~ "What's that smell? Burning hair and popcorn!"

~ "You don't how wrong you've been doing it (((MAKEUP))) until she touches your boobs"

~ "So I was living my best Home Depot life-"

~ "chill your beans"

"No. Beans are best served hot!"

~ *actor fudges up a line really badly and improving is shit* *about a dead woman* "she's—well she was a bit racist"

"oH!"

~ "WOW GUYS I GOT BOOBS NOW!"

"Oh my god my lesbian just jumped out."

~ "you need Jesus. Like. Get a turkey baster and like squirt holy water all up in that cooch."

"Oh my god"

"Oh wow that would hurt!"

"Not if you get one small enough."

"Anything is a dildo if your brave enough."

~ *after talking about someone's boyfriend who threw a guy so high he hit the ceiling* "maybe if he joined the cheer squad we'd get higher than ninth place!"

"Ooh! That shade!"

"Love that tea!"

"Ooh who said that?"

"It was the ghost!"

"Did it go sunset in here because it just got SHADY!"

~ "you know, sometimes in life, spaghetti."

~ "you know. You look like milk."

~ "You may have heard of Vincent van Gogh but have you heard of his Dizzy aunt? Vertigo?"

~ "we found this place above the teachers' restrooms where we just sat."

"Oh hi we call this the cave of piss"

"I love Aladdin"

~ "I am a cultured human being I don't just eat Oreos I have a five pound bag of sour patch kids."

~ "give me that volume, mommy."

~ "TLC stands for Tiny Luigi Company."

~ "Don't turn green while I'm drinking or I'll cry... I was talking to a traffic light."

~ "yes it's a puddle it's raining and asphalt doesn't soak up water idiot."

~ "I want Mozzi Sticks."

"What the fuck did you just say?"

"MOZZI STICKS"

"WHO THE FUCK CALLS THEM NAZI STICKS??"

~ "you make fun of me for drinking chocolate sauce and you drink the cheese?"

"I drank my ranch too."

~ "guys who wants to do a prayer circle with me?" *in the circle* "who wants to say it?"

"I will!"

"Ok go!"

"Dear Daddy—"

"NOpE!"

~ "Michael I swear to God this is molestation. Please remove your elbow from my boob."

~ "GIRLS night. Uteruses no duderuses."

~ "you're Princes. You are stuck up without knowing how stuck up you are. Think of Prince Charming and Gaston, and fuze them."

"So we are Douche Bag Nice Guys™ got it!"

~ *crab walks off stage*

*monotone* "Get back here. We need to be couply. Those were her exact words."

~ "Did you know girls who wear Crocs have the best toes?"

"... I've never felt more uncomfortable."

~ "I've never been to Starbucks, but there is a truck stop that has really great coffee."

"That is the most Kentucky™ thing I've ever heard you, or anyone, say."

~ "a way to not be a douche bag is to not act like a douche bag."

~ "there is too much joy in this room right now."

~ "Hang on this joke has staging." *walks behind curtain before walking back on, without bending at the knees* "walks into your line of vision like this. Comes up to you. And say Karen took the kneecaps. And walk away."

~ "I thought you were about to eat my finger and I was scared."

~ *sneezes seven times in a row* "goddamn are you a cat?"

~ "hey do you wanna be the best man at my wedding? I'm getting married to cheese!"

".... Who the hell is cheese?"

~ "anything is a snack if you try hard enough."

~ "hey how did you die? Oh, you know, I was just eaten by my friend who is a cannibal."

~ "I'm pretty sure you just broke my boob."

~ "I hate to break it to you but I have a vagina."

"It's good man I go both ways."

~ "OH MY GO—I just about profained!"

~ "oh guys there's a swastika under this."

"Ooh love that."

~ "Despacito, my fellow sluts."

~ "you know the Princess and Beast? I'm the beast."

"You mean Beauty and the Beast?"

"Shut up."

~ *the lights get turned on when we were all previously in the dark* "oh Lord my optic nerves are crying."

~ "I'm gonna watch Criminal Minds tonight and probably go to a Mexican restaurant I'm excited."

~ *screaming in the hallway* "well someone is getting murdered."

~ *the line is "he must pay the price"* " He must pray the pice!"

Our director-"Oh yes I do that frequently."

~ *two guys are playing around backstage, guy 1 is threatening guy 2 with a tape dispenser and guy two is armed with 1/4 a 2 liter of diet coke*

1: "I won't hesitate!" *gets ready to hit 2 with the tape dispenser*

2: *hits himself hard in the face with the 2 liter*

1: ".... Oh never mind he's crazy" *he drops the dispenser and walks away*

~ "I've gotta POOP!"

~ *in a bad Scottish accent* "me pantaloons! They's fallin! And me petticoat ain't helping! What is this accent? I don't know! But it's coming out! Me pantaloons!"

~ "oh guys this is the Holocaust cabinet"

~ "I want the fucking undergarments."

~ *a girl* "I just want some fucking tightie-whities for my tiny hiney!"

~ "don't break my stick it's my neighbor's curtain rod"

~ "so we have Mamma Mia, Glease—"

"Did you just say Glease?"

"Closs enough, I'm selectively dyslexic."

~ "we need to work on spacing!"

"Fuck the spacing!"

Shit Theatre Kids Say!

Hello, here are some of the random shit I've seen/heard/said/done at rehearsal or backstage during shows. This is by no means all of them. Just some of them, about my first year of doing theatre's worth, which was two years ago.

~"You are predictably dickish"

~"Wait I thought sausage was from cows!!"

~"Singing? In a MUSICAL? Never"

~"Just for your information I have a very small penis"

~ A girl to our choreographer-"Where is your black shirt, sister?"

Our male and very gay choreographer-"Laying on my bed right next to your boyfriend"

~"Ow I just hit myself in the head with a noose!"

~"Gets on stage face totally brown but body looking whiter than Uncle Sam on a cracker"

"What?" *hysterical laughter*

"That's my thing now, like I am whiter than Uncle Sam on a cracker"

~(To the tune of What I've been looking for from high school musical) "This feeling's like no other. I really want sleep! I've never had somewhere I really want to be, LIKE MY BED!"

~"Who's Betsy Ross's husband?"

"Jesus"

~"if you're fat, what am i? A beluga whale?"

~"I can't even! I can only odd!"

"What the fuck"

~"It's a beautiful day you guys!"

"It's a beautiful day for a murder"

"True"

~"You're a chill dick?"

~"My favorite human is probably Mickey Mouse"

~"...Beating her husband?!"

"I thought she was a lesbian!"

~"I need some MILK"

~"You have all that business to mind and you're still in mine?!"

~ *at Larosa's for a cast party* *one guy puts a very tiny dinosaur in the parmesan cheese shaker*

~ "wow you guys its brighter than all of our futures in here!" (We had just gotten into school on a Saturday and every light was off)

~"Unlock the door before I use my epic Vagina muscles" (We were locked out of the dressing rooms on a Saturday show)

~ "I'm so hungry can (our director) get here soon?! It's half an hour past when we were supposed to be here! I'm so hungry - you know what, fuck it. I'm eating this dandelion." *she then eats the dandelion and not five minutes later our director pulls up* "THERE IS A GOD"

~ "I wanna fuck the moon"

~ "Keegan you are literally an abortion fail. Shut the fuck up."

~"Almost all the guys here are adorable, but like, no hetero"

~"Why did you get me started on babies? I fucking hate babies"

~"That curtain just wiped me clean bro! It went straight up my backside!"

~"Old people blood is different it's dusty"

~"That's not blood! It's a thong!"

~"Eggrolls"

~ one of our warmups is that one episode of Spongebob (First you do this... Spin around... STOP!) and the first show our senior who leads us in starts it and another senior just "I FUCKING HATE SPONGEBOB"

"GET OUT LYDIA NO ONE LOVES YOU" was everyone's response.

~ our cast is going through warmups and our last one is putting our hands in "what team? Wildcats!" And well this happened

"WHAT TEAM???"

"WILDCA-"

"guys the audience can hear you!!!"

*very hushed voices* "what team?"

"wildcats!"

~(one of the dresses in the dressing rooms looks like it belongs in the 17/1800's probs cuz it does but one girl put it one bc she didn't have one) *spins around* "Betsy Ross who?"

~ I had to get chased through multiple scenes and everytime I got off stage, heart racing, I'd lean over to the nearest person and whisper- "I do more running on this stage than I ever do in gym class"

~ one time when I was running off stage I ran straight into this one kid who was technically in eighth grade but still part of our cast bc we needed guys.

~ the guy who chased me always fucked around with different runs

~ "my blood is basically Wendy's"

~ between shows on Saturday me and a few friends went to Wendy's... Then a few more people showed up... Then it was an impromptu cast party. No one said a name for our orders so the lady just put "Drama"

~ literally everybody but our Larkin running lines for her songs. And Larkin wanted to murder them all.

~ "I'm sorry you guys, but the air con broke in the backstage hallway and the auditorium. So we have box fans. If you guys wanna risk it, go get the haunted fan from the band room."

~ while at Wendy's the ice machine started randomly pouring ice and we all just looked at each other. "Sorry guys, the ghost followed us." Was uttered to the workers

~ "literally the only reason I'm still alive is because I really wanna do a show about lesbians in the 1930's but I cant do it next year if I'm dead."

~ "what's up there anyway?" (Asked about the loft where students are forbidden to go)

"Oh that's the suicide ladder."

"Why??"

"Our director fell off of it a few years back and nearly died. We aren't allowed up there."

~ "I hate to say it you guys but we have to use the pillows from the sex couch"

"why do you guys call it the sex couch?"

"Long story short, it glows under a blacklight and that means either blood or semen and let's face it, this is high school."

- before everyone needs to start getting ready we have a lip sync battle through the sound system.

~ "you guys I just realized that our A.P. Gov. Final and Opening night are the same day. I'm gonna die."

~ "CAN I KEEP THE GOBLET OF FAILURE?!" (In reference to a goblet our lead threw on opening night that then shattered)

"If you want to"

~ the entire cast had to fall down during one of the dances at the end. This lead to many "paint me like one of your French girls" Scenes. So many, that the line got banned.

~ an in depth conversation during intermission about three porn videos one of the leads has seen. 1) instead of moaning normal things, the girl moans "oh my goodness" Super fast, he didn't finish it he was laughing so hard. 2) it's in an art studio, and the guy is tickling the girl with a paint brush, then shoves it in - not her vagina, but her urethra. He didn't finish that one. 3) the guy spit, directly into the girls asshole. He finished that one.

We were laughing so hard, that we nearly missed it when the overture started.

~ "it is so hot my sweat is sweating"

~ "are you dab fanning me?"

~ "WHO MOVED MY SHARP THINGY?"

~ "get me my letter!"

~ "bro"

~ *everyone mouthing the lines the people on stage are saying*

~ *over exaggerated lip syncing to songs happening in front of a curtain as we all wait behind the curtain*

~ "where is the person helping me strip him?"

~ "Kroger is just nicer people's Walmart"

~ *everyone getting ready and quoting vines*

~ "free sh- fre sha va cado"

"What?"

~ "who's stepping on my shoes?! Who- oh it's me."

~ "I have to get home! I have a wife and kids!"

"You're 12"

"SIMS"

~ *the boys dressing room prank calls random restaurants*

~ *I have my legs up while I'm sitting on the dressing room table* *my friend slaps my bare leg* "that's a nice slab of meat ma'am"

~ " Can someone explain why it's called Buffalo Wild Wings if Buffalo don't have wings?"

"It's Buffalo sauce on chicken wings, Cayenne."

"Oh!"

~ "OOH draw me as a furry!" (Said by a twelve year old)

~ "Maddi... Draw me a chicken!"

~ (there is a stool in the girls dressing room that is so falling apart the seat is all duct tape and it comes off, it looks horrid.) "Hey guys look! It's the butt stool"

~ "hey gals the fun has arrived!"

(Everyone at the same time): "the fun has been here"/"Where is she?"

~ "someone just dropped their foot! I mean their shoe!"

~ "you only have 3/4 leg to shave and 1 and 1/4 leg to not shave"

Feel free to add on with the weirdest shit you guys have heard theatre kids say!