#they don't fuck they use a turkey baster

[florallylly]

stobin best friends and lavender married in the nursing home telling stories about being tortured by russians and their grandkids are like okay grandpa sure thing. i think they have dementia

[pip-n-chips]

So, I’m at Remy’s farm, being a cow and all that, Harper uses that serum on me, and now I’m pregnant?

Did Harper put his fucking jizz in that stuff? What? What’s happening? Is he carrying around his baby gravy in stuff? Did he just TURKEY BASTER MY PC?

Ohhh that's to help with milk production, I'd bet. Gotta be impregnated to be the best dairy cow you can be <3

Also, I don't think it's confirmed if it IS his or not but, god, could you imagine if it is from him?

Remy comes up to him one day, telling him his plans for you and what needs to be done, and Harper jumps at the chance. Maybe he's thought about it before, pumping his cum into you and breeding you oh so thoroughly, or maybe he only starts thinking about it once the chance arises. Either way, it doesn't take him long to fill up that tube as he cums again and again and again to the thought of you.

I could also imagine him having it all prepared in advance, kept in a special fridge to keep it preserved. It's all for "just in case" scenarios, of course. It would be a shame he let all his sperm from previous.... sessions, go to waste!

(putting the original screenshot under the cut since the screenshot of the second ask shrinks it)

[ilovebeingr4ped]

fucked up but imagine raping someone else's cum into me with a fillable dildo or turkey baster or something... you want to rape me pregnant, but don't want to leave the evidence of your own dna in me, so just use any other sperm you get your hands on! even better if its a mix of multiple people's.. pay random men $5 to jerk off in a cup and fuck me with it.. or maybe you go to my abusers and ask them because you know they'd agree.. or worst of all, maybe you forcibly take it from my male friends so i get pregnant with their baby and we never know but they always wonder about the timing of their assault and mine 😵‍💫

[amurderofcrowswithknives]

I'm gonna say this to start with, I am not very good at writing books. The extent of my knowledge in that area is just a constant "you know what'd be fucking awesome?". However, my ability to come up with weird/cool ideas is one of my best traits, imo. Couple that with most of the queer representation in media being under the genre of romance, and you have the following idea.

In about 20 years from modern day, scientists in Antarctica find something buried miles under the ice. It's best described as a carnivorous locust the size of a horse, and shortly after thawing it out, it identifies the team of scientists before it, and eats them one by one. Once this happens, swarms of the fuckers start flying towards Earth, intent on eating everything the planet has to offer in the way of organic sapient life.

Around the same time, aliens initiate first contact with humanity, basically saying "There's a swarm of giant angry bugs en route to your planet intent on eating anything sapient. We're sending our biggest transport ships to help with a mass exodus, in the meantime, don't confront them, they adapt to counter the most threatening qualities of their prey and exploit their weaknesses."

All the humans evacuate, not wanting to be eaten alive by giant locusts. All except one. The protagonist (or love interest) gets left behind by their extremely conservative parents to face the bugs alone. Naturally, the aliens take note of this, and send an android soldier to help them escape the swarm alive, because for some reason, the energy emitted by their batteries interferes with the bugs' method of hunting prey. Problem is, the extraction point somehow got placed on the other side of the country the human is in. The android soldier eventually develops feelings for the human, and once they're off-world, they make it official, with the soldier justifying it to their commanding officer as follows: "You sent me to keep this human safe, and from what I have heard of their family, they would not be safe with them. As such, I am going to remain with them, ensuring they are safe, happy, and taken care of."

If any of you end up using this idea, feel free to make the human and robot whatever gender you like, so long as they are both LGBTQ. Refusal to do so will result in the immediate and incredibly painful removal of your skeletal structure using nothing but a mildly rotten cantaloupe, a turkey baster, and the instructions for an IKEA desk.

[dumbdomb]

ok, i don't have a breeding kink, but this idea came to me in a jimothy neutron style brain blast: using external toys to fuck them and filling their hole with store bought slime via some medical syringe or turkey baster 🫣

Read my pinned before you interact! 18+ only.

[oneforthemunny]

Cowboy!Eddie showing you how artificial insemination works because you’re curious, except he uses you and his own preferred method on doing it.

I think I might be dumb bc all I'm thinking of is a turkey baster... but I don't think you mean him fucking you with a turkey baster right lmao? please elaborate bc I know nothing about the process of animals artificial insemination.

[ladykailolu]

Jake and Godot tryna change a diaper on baby Maggie and baby Sadie-Mae

Godot: How could something so small...create something so disgusting?

Jake: Beats the shit outta me.

Godot: Hand me the other diaper.

Jake: Shouldn't we wash her?

Godot: We'll wash her later. Get me the cotton.

Jake: Here it is *hands over a fuck ton of cotton balls*

Godot: Just give me a little cotton. I don't need a package. Get me the cotton wipes. This is disgusting. It's all over and it's sticky. We're gonna need some kind of cleaning fluid to get it off.

Jake: How about after shave?

Godot: Come on, Jake, just get me a diaper.

Jake: *hands over a huge diaper*

Godot: *opens up the diaper* Do these tapes go in the front or back?

Jake: How am I supposed to know? These are way too big! What size did you get?

Godot: They're ultra absorbent! The more absorbent, the better.

The baby: *squirming around*

Godot: Hold her! She's going crazy.

Jake: I don't want to.

Godot: Come on, Jake! *tries to get the diaper closed*

Jake: You're going to rip it.

Godot: I'm not going to rip it.

Jake: Yes, you are!

Godot: *rips the diaper* Get me another diaper. I'll use the tape. I'll use the tape from the diaper and I'll tape it up.

The baby: *squirming around, cooing*

Godot: Take it easy, kid. *tapes the diaper on the baby* There, see? It's working. Piece of cake. Yeah. *lifts the baby up*

The baby: *diaper immediately falls off*

Jake: Nice job, Godot.

The baby: *pees on the couch*

Godot: The little insect was just waiting...for that diaper to fall off.

Jake: I think we're in trouble.

Later

Jake: *scrubbing the pee from the couch* I'm going to kill Gyro. I'm going to kill him.

Even later

Godot: *holding the baby over the sink filled with soapy water* Here's the deal. Jake?

Jake: *dabbing at the baby with a soapy sponge* What?

Godot: You're going to have to wash where the poop was. Come on.

Jake: All right. *squirts soapy water at the baby with a turkey baster*

Godot: You're not getting anything off that way.

Jake: *dabs at the baby with a soapy sponge* There you go. That's clean.

Godot: I'll rinse her.

Jake: Rinse her for a little bit.

Godot: *lowers the baby into the soapy water* There we go.

Jake: *grabs a bottle of baby lotion* This is for moisturizing...

Godot: Don't use the baby lotion now.

Jake: It says, "prevents chapping"

Godot: Just wash her.

Jake: I'll put some in just to make sure.

Even later

Godot: *swaddles the baby in a blanket without a diaper then carries her*

The baby: *poops*

Godot: ...

[bakugouscentedcaramel]

🍋 Daddy II: The Belt 🍋

🍋~🍋~🍋~🍋~🍋~🍋~🍋~🍋~

Xjjdjd of course I'll do a sequel to one of my most popular posts dnsns

This is a fuckin necessity:

Also the amount of self control I had to NOT call Hawks junk a Turkey Baster is an eighth wonder of the world

Aizawa

He has no idea how this happened. He was just trying to go to sleep but now here you are, grinding your pussy against his mouth. Not that he minded but still, the man needs sleep.

His tongue traced out your pussy's features while he groaned, causing you to quiver above him. He took advantage of his position and trapped your hips with his arms, one of his hands working your clit while he continued to drink you for all your worth.

He could feel your thighs tense up so he picked up his pace. He couldn't help but revel in the image of you in absolute bliss above him, squirming because of him. He flinched when your hand found his bulge.

"daddy, I need it..." You groaned out unknowingly.

He smirked against you and gripped your hips tight enough to leave marks in the morning. The pressure making you realize what you said. His new goal now is to make you into an absolute mess before he even thinks of fucking you into the mattress. Your thighs lock him in as you cum, your moans only fueling him to overstimulate your needy pussy.

Once you start trying to squirm away he releases you and pins you down onto the bed.

"You better get used to calling me Daddy, Kitten." He starts to slide off his pants and you knew you were in for it.

Hawks

The only noises that filled the room was heavy breaths and the slapping of skin. He was ramming into you from behind, his thrusts powerful and deep. He leaned into your back to reach your clit, rubbing fast circles around it as he repositioned himself and you swore his cock got bigger. His wings sheltered your body as his thrusts became more desperate for release. His groans and grunts nearly sending you over the edge as it is. That was until he started thrusting particularly deeper making you see stars.

"F-fuck me, Daddy~" you manage to choke out through your sporadic moans.

That was what finally sent him over the edge. His orgasm causing his wings to shoot outwards as he bucked his hips into your ass. His cock twitching inside you as it spurted ropes of his release into you.

You might've just found his new nickname.

Kaminari

The frame of the bed creaked and groaned disapprovingly at the sinful act that was taking place on it.

Denki was laying down, thrusting into you while you were on his lap. His cock stretching you as you bounced eagerly on top of it, begging for even more friction. His hands found their way to your breasts and he tweaked your nipples sending shockwaves through your spine. As if knowing this he sent a small jolt of electricity through one of your breasts. You arched your back and groaned into the back of your hand, attempting to conceal the true noises you wanted to make.

"Nngh, babe don't, do that.." he grabbed your hand from your mouth and kissed it while locking eyes with you.

He sent another jolt through your other breast and you couldn't hold it in anymore.

"Aghh fUCk, more Daddy, plea-SE AH FUCK"

He accidentally sent a stronger jolt through your body causing your pussy to grip his cock with more force than he could handle. He let out a choked grunt before grabbing your hips forcing them to still against his.

After you both caught your breath from the intense orgasms he smirked at you.

"Daddy huh?"

Fuck.jpeg

[willow-salix]

Random bit of fun that popped into my head. Grandma Tracy + Selene + cooking sherry =

Selene checked the recipe again and nodded to Grandma. It couldn't be that hard could it, to be all domesticated and shit? She had many manly men that she had to cook for, not that she went in for all the "a woman's place is in the kitchen" stereotypes,  but she did think it was important that they came home to something better than their Grandmother's cooking attempts after a tough rescue, and this one looked like it would be a nightmare mission. 

She could cook most things, basic and homely she called it, having learnt baking from her Nan, although she did like to challenge herself now and then.

She had decided in her infinite wisdom that if she was capable of making simple dishes like lasagna, chilli's, soups, burgers, pizza's pancakes, breakfasts and the like, coupled with the fact that she was actually good at baking, she could manage to help Grandma in her mission. It shouldn't be that hard to make their boys some lovely fresh donuts, something they all loved.  Yep, that was a plan! 

Grandma Tracy had wandered back and forth while Selene was assembling the ingredients, flour, salt, yeast, eggs, milk and melted butter and insisted on helping, trying to add her own selections to the mix which Selene gently vetoed, hiding them in the microwave. It would be fine, with her overseeing the proceedings Grandma couldn't get into too much trouble, could she? 

Selene directed Grandma as they slowly added the wet ingredients into a big mixing bowl, one at a time until they made a relatively smooth mixture, then Grandma added that little by little to the flour, Selene mixing with her hands until they had a rough dough. 

She dribbled some oil onto the worktop, dumped out the bowl and began to knead the slop, gradually feeling it grow thicker and less gloopy, more springy. Damn this was hard work!

"Let me have a try, you youngsters don't know the meaning of hard work."

Selene stepped aside to let Grandma T take her turn, but within a minute the older lady was huffing as bad as Selene was. 

They tag teamed back and forth for a few minutes but her fingers were cramping and she was sure that she had inhaled so much flour she'd be sneezing bread rolls.  She went to wipe her forehead but her hands were so greasy with the oil she gave in. She didn't want to resort to cheating, but needs must. 

She whispered a little chant under her breath when Grandma made her excuses to go to the bathroom and watched as the dough kneaded itself, plumping up and down and flipping itself over as she washed her hands and settled down with a can of cherry coke. The dough flopped itself back into its bowl after a few more minutes and she covered it over and placed it on the windowsill to rise for an hour.  

And she promptly forgot about it, wandering off with Grandma to catch up on "The bold and the beautiful" a TV show that Grandma watched religiously and that had become Selene's guilty pleasure whenever she was on the island. 

Upon returning to the kitchen after learning that Chico was Marion's secret son and that Charlie's amnesia was fake, they found the bowl overflowing and the dough creeping its way towards the floor.

"Stupid magic kneading!" Selene dived at the dough, nudging Armstrong out for the way just as he tried to bat at it with his paw. "No! Bad cat. Leave it!" 

She cradled it in her arms like it was a baby, a big, messy, yeasty baby that was determined to get the fuck out of dodge. She balanced on one leg as she tried to hold it up with her knee, kneeing it like she was playing keepy uppy with a football. 

"Grandma, get a bowl! A big one!" She gave it a big push upwards as Grandma shoved a huge bowl under it, catching the evil, still growing blob. 

"What's wrong with it?" Grandma asked as she poked at it with her finger, diving back when it looked like it would consume her whole hand. 

"Nothings wrong with it, I'm sure it'll be fine."

Against her better judgement, and Selene wasn't known to be entirely sane at the best of times, she grabbed the biggest saucepan they had and filled it with oil, setting it on the stove to boil. Should only take a few minutes....  

She watched as the oil began to bubble and smoke,  knowing it was about as hot as it would get. Witches didn't like boiling oil, call her silly but that had always been something to avoid in the olden days, which was probably why she had taken the few minutes to kit herself out in a huge apron, Scott's spare bike helmet and a pair of Virgil's thick work gloves. Couldn't be too careful. 

She dug her hands into the dough, hitting it with her elbow when it looked like it might try to be the one to eat her before they cooked it. "No! Down! Bad dough!" 

She was sure it would be fine once it was cooked,  witches made everything a bit more lively, the boys could attest to that.

"Watch out Grandma, don't get too close." 

She scooped out a handful and rolled it into a ball then holding it at arm's length, dropped it in the oil like it was a hand grenade. Boom, the oil jumped up to meet her and she stepped back with a squeak of shock. Not good. Nope nope so much nope. Not doing that again. 

"Oh don't worry, it always does that when I cook too," Grandma shrugged as she crossed to the fridge to get herself a drink. "Keep going, it'll be fine."

After rolling another ball, which she caught before it rolled off the counter and across the floor yelling  'cry freedom', she sourced a pair of BBQ tongs to hold it with and dropped it carefully in the oil. 

"That seemed to work," Grandma encouraged. "Keep doing that."

Ball after ball followed and her roll, grab and drop operation was going so well she completely forgot that the oil was actually cooking the damn things. 

"Uh…little too brown maybe…" she fished them out and dumped them into a bowl lined with kitchen towel. She poked them, were they OK? 

"They'll be fine with some powdered sugar on them," Grandma proclaimed wisely, although Selene wasn't too sure. "Do the rest, that's nowhere near enough to feed my boys."

Grandma supervised as Selene slowly worked her way through the dough mass, which seemed to have lost its determination now she had effectively scooped half of it away, though it was still making a strange wheezing noise as it attempted to grow some more. She'd soon put a stop to that! She quickly rolled and tossed more balls into the oil, having perfected her drop and duck technique.  Paranoid that she'd burn the next lot she got them out earlier...Perhaps a little too early, as they stuck to her tongs as she slapped them into the bowl. 

"Damn it."

"Jelly will fix them, " Grandma nodded sagely, "Jelly fixes everything."

Selene threw the last of the balls, now looking slightly less ball like and more like lumps of dough that she was too fucked off with to fix, and began to search the cupboards for something to insert the jam inside the balls. 

She located a turkey baster that Parker had insisted they needed to cook a decent Christmas dinner, and that Alan had secretly been using to squirt the Gordon with. Selene had filled it with whisky that one time and used it to fire at Scott from opposite ends of the couch in an attempt to reach each others mouths. She grinned at the memory.

As if reading her mind- maybe she was a witch too- Grandma vanished and reappeared with half a bottle of cooking sherry. 

"Would you like a little taste? I find it helps me relax sometimes when I'm cooking, you're too tense."

Well, that might explain a few of Grandma's more adventurous dishes. 

Selene looked at the bottle, she could actually do with a little of that right now. She held out her coke can and Grandma poured a healthy splash into the remains of her coke.

"Don't tell John," Selene warned as she gulped down some of the drink for strength as she faced the fried dough balls she was supposed to fix. 

She grabbed a pot of smooth jam out of the cupboard and sucked some up into the baster -not that easy to do it turned out- and holding one of the cooked balls she stabbed it with the end of the rubber syringe. It went right through.  

"Shit!" 

She tried again, splitting another one. 

"Fuck!" 

"Language, Selene!" 

"Sorry, Grandma."

"Let me try," Sally managed to get the tip in one and squirted a generous amount into the donut. But didn't count on the force of her squeezing making the donut shoot off the end and fly across the room to smack Armie in the eye.

"Fuck!" 

"Grandma!" Selene was shocked, but had the terrible urge to giggle. 

Sorry," Grandma apologised, both to Selene and the cat, trying again.

                                    ***

The bowl was a jammy,  powdered sugar covered, slightly oily mess and Selene was on her third can of sherry and coke and honestly, she no longer really gave a shit. 

Who's stupid idea had this been? It was the thought that counted right? 

Grandma had given up over an hour ago and gone to bed, knowing the boys would be heading home soon and Selene desperately needed a shower. She had jam in her hair, sugar sticking to her hands and she'd lost the will to live. 

She plonked the bowl in the middle of the kitchen counter. 

"Sexy spaceman of mine," she texted, "sorry they look like shit…yeah, can't really explain what happened there…but I'll be naked in bed if that helps." She snapped a picture to go with it and called it good, promising to clean up in the morning. 

And she wound her way on slightly unsteady feet,  up the stairs and into the bathroom to shower off the remains of her one and only attempt to cook something you could buy easier,  promising herself a trip to Krispy Kreme in the very near future, and flopped on the bed wrapped in nothing but a towel. 

                                       ***

"John?" Gordon stared at the text that had popped up on all their comms less than 30 seconds ago. 

"I don't even know."

Their brother's long suffering, defeated tone just made the whole thing even funnier. 

"Think you had better get down here, bro," Virgil chuckled. "We'll be home in five."

"Yeah, that's probably wise," Scott added. 

Even EOS seemed to find the whole situation amusing, which in itself was a little bit worrying, as John rode the elevator down to the island. 

Alan and Gordon were staring at the bowl as if it might explode any minute. John spotted the empty sherry bottle in the sink and sighed. 

"Grandma got the sherry out." 

"That's not good," Scott agreed as he too entered the war zone, formerly known as the kitchen, his eyes taking in the precariously piled bowls, the flour that coated every surface, the oil patch that Alan almost slipped in and the grease splattered stove top, the pan of oil sitting abandoned. His bike helmet was on one of the stools and one of Virgil's gloves peeked out from the bottom bowl of the stack, though it was so covered in dough you could barely tell what it was. 

Virgil brought up the rear, his nose wrinkling at the slightly smokey, oily smell that hung in the air. 

"Dare you to eat one," Gordon nudged Alan. 

"Hell no! John should, it's his girlfriend that made them."

"Fiancée," John automatically corrected, poking gingerly at the contents of the bowl. "And no, I don't think so."

"Scott, you're the brave one, you like to take a risk now and then, you do it."

"Like the rescue wasn't risky enough? No way. Virg, you try, it's like modern art, appreciate it."

"Nope, I like my taste buds where they are, Gordo, you do it, it was your idea."

Gordon paled as he looked into the bowl. "All of us?" he asked hopefully. 

The boys exchanged glances and then one by one they all reached into the bowl, their competitive streak unable to resist, selecting the least offensive looking offerings. 

"On three?" Scott confirmed. "One…two…three!"

As one they all tossed their donuts into their mouths, chewing madly, their faces contorting into identical grimaces of horror and disgust. 

Alan raced to the trash can, opening his mouth to let the offending evil drop out of his mouth. 

"Urghh, it was raw inside," he shuddered. 

Gordon followed suit, spitting his out. "Mines burnt."

Virgil managed to swallow his. "Mine was all sugar which pretty much hid everything."

Scott had a dribble of jelly running down his chin to drip onto his uniform, his mouth hanging open as if he didn't dare close it again. Virgil handed him a paper towel and he grateful spat out the offensive food.

"My God, that was foul."

They all looked at John, who was still chewing his dough ball, now matter how much he worked it, it never got any smaller. In the end he too gave up and spat it into the trash. "It was like trying to eat a rubber ball."

Virgil tossed the remains into the trash to spare Kayo and Brains the same horror. "At least they tried."

Too tired to actually be bothered with real food, Scott handed round some bowls and Virgil grabbed a box of cereal and some milk.

They all ate quickly, eating in companionable silence, standing up, leaning against various cupboards and furniture, knowing if they sat down they would likely never get up again.

"Damn!" John moved suddenly, breaking the silence of the room, dumping his half eaten cereal in the sink.

"What's wrong?" Scott frowned, instantly worried.

"I just remembered the rest of her message," he was already running towards the stairs, "I've got a naked woman waiting for me."

Alan shuddered, gagging on his mouthful of cereal. "I did not need to know that."