#they don’t fucking understand nobody fucking understands i can’t deal with this im tired of dealing with this by myself

[mybrainis2full]

I GENUINELY cannot be a person right now.

Or at least not the person I want to be I’m actually not sure if I’ve ever been that person and i also never will be bc I have no clue what that even means for me or why I can’t just breathe normally all the fucking time which doesn’t make any sense whatsoever mostly bc nothing I’m saying is making sense because I’m just typing out how my brain sounds and I just need to touch grass

But like WHY and why this and why that and the feeling in my gut won’t go away and I’m not under any pressure so why does it feel like there’s ten boulders on my back?

I don’t GET IT AND I WANT TO GET IT I WANT TO UNDERSTAND MYSELF

I’m guessing this is just what happens when you’re in your bed for a few days bc you’re sick but it’s something more and the mere fact that I’m going to have to be normal after this, or go back to being myself I just can’t deal with it

And nothing is helping me rn

My phone isn’t helping, it’s like I’ve used its helpfulness up and maybe I’m just realizing that everything is temporary

Mostly solutions

And what am I supposed to do with that? What am I even solving? And what the FUCK is going on with my gender.

Why am I so lazy? Like genuinely. All of these things that I KNOW for a fact I CAN do, and I’m JUST NOT DOING THEM??? it doesn’t make sense. And that’s an excuse and I still have to do shit anyway. It’s not even an excuse there’s literally no reason except I’m just not doing it. WHY. I just want to know and I want everyone to leave me the fuck alone. And on another note I want someone that I can love. Like I need someone to love. Everything in my life feels so insignificant and that’s nobody else problem but I just genuinely can’t act like myself around people? I’m not me. I’m only me in my own head.

Everything is overwhelming and then I’m still just PLAYING IT OFF

I don’t want to fix it bc there isn’t anything to fix it because everything needs to be fixed

AND STOP TRYINF TO COME UP EITH SOLUTIONS THERE ISNT ANY

and if I try and tell someone I just back out, or they don’t fucking get it at all

What the fuck does everything mean I just want it to be 1 am all the time

And WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY ARE PEIPLE DEFENDING ELON MUSK

UGGHHFHFBD im so SICK and im so tired.

Just LEAVE ME ALONE.

I stand by the fact that humans weren’t meant to deal with all this. Just let us rome (?the fucks the spelling for that) around and eat fruit or something.

[thedamselindistrezzz]

I feel so bad for myself

Why?

Because for years I have held so much trauma to myself and I don’t understand why

From loving someone at such a young age, an age when I was naive and easily impressed I gave myself, my innocence to a man I had no business being with , gave up so much without knowing the value of what I had, and ofcourse I thought I knew better and I made the same mistake over, over and over f

again I make the same mistakes with men,

I let my insecurities take decisions for me, I have repeatedly ignored my own needs and continued to beg for love and validation from men who don’t love me for me. I see so much value in myself, so much potential, but I keep deeming my light, I keep hurting myself because I won’t learn from my mistakes.

Every single man I ever loved or wanted never wanted me, and when they do all I do is lie and I end up conform to be what they want and they still end up leaving or hurting me beyond repair

Gosh I have only ever received flowers from one man in my entire life and obviously he only had one motive. Then I got a necklace from Nelson who forgot my birthday

One thing that scarred me for ever and I pretend till today that it’s okay but it really is not, the one time I thought I found my person, he completely broke me into a million pieces to the extent I just wanted to die. Decieved me, shared my body that was meant to be sacred and treated me like I was worth completely nothing, verbally abused me for 2 years and going on and I can’t defend myself because I literally feel helpless each time

And it’s been the most painful thing I had to go through alone and I’m so tired and done with loving and now I just want to focus on myself and stay away from the drama and just disappear for months to figure out my life

I want to get to know myself and my thoughts and just see how life treats me going forward and this time I’m not gonna let myself down, it’s not one of those things I just say to myself and go back to my usual habits this time I mean it

Nobody deserves my time

Nobody is worth sacrificing my happiness for

Nobody is deserving of my love

Nobody is deserving of my innocence and humour

I’m so done talking when no one cares or is listening

They all just want to exploit and I need to snap back into reality and focus solely on myself and my family

I know when the time is right love is gonna come to me and I will be happy

But from now on I will no longer be impressed with the bare minimum

From now on im gonna work hard to the standard I deserve and I’m no longer doing the build a niggq bullshit, I’m decentering the male gender

Or dealing with niggas who don’t know they gotta ask me to be their girlfriend and plan dates , involve me in life goals, build and grow together I’m not interested

Anyways since I’m gonna be isolating all my thoughts will end up here

If you by chance reading this I hope you leave a prayer for me

Byeee fuck men btw😪

[thorninyourpaw]

the new level of depression that unlocks a couple weeks into being 20 is definitely not my favourite i can’t even really cry about it it’s just this constant dull knife directly in the heart you can feel your heart trying to beat around it but the very act of your body trying to keep itself alive is just agony because every beat just guides the knife further in. it’s not even a particular sadness anymore it just feels like all my emotions have gone stale i feel everything and nothing at the same time i can’t enjoy myself every single action makes me feel nothing but guilt and i don’t even know why it keeps me awake at night even just messaging someone new keeps me awake for fucking days

every single night i think about when i messaged geoff snd i want to throw up because i feel like the most fucking annoying person on the face of the planet i want to rip my head off guilt over everything just consumes me guilt for everything i do guilt for everything i chose not to do it surrounds every single thing i do i’m so tired i’m so tired of being unable to be happy i’m tired of living in this house i can’t have peace quiet privacy medication time to just cry time to breathe space i dont have a door she used to deny me of any medication or therapy because she “thought i was fine” but now she says we’ll do it that i can have medication but she just keeps lying like she always does about everything and i’m not sure what hurts worse it’s too late anyway it’s too late to fucking try my body is mangled my brain is in pieces ive already euined everything my family is dying thinking and knowing that i’m useless ive seen so much fucking horror ive seen so much ive experienced so much anf i wanted none of it i just want to be happy i just want someone to love me but i need someone to take care of me and i know who i want and who i wanted and it’s just all fucking useless to even bother thinking about what life would be like because it wont happen im not worth the trouble worth the fucking fight worth all the fuccking bullshit i put everyone through i dont want anyone new but no one in my life would ever ever ever want to fucking deal with me like that because nothing is never enough but everything is always too much i cant deal with affection half the time it makes me want to fucking vomit but i need someone to want to just let me rest my head in their lap when i need it i need so much space but none at the same time i want attention but when im getting attention when i dont want it it makes me fucking sick in the stomach and makes me want to run away nobody wants to deal with that to deal with all this stupid fucking bullshit because its so fucking easy to throw myself off or get thrown off and i feel like a horrible fucking person because im just fucking impossible and i just make it miserable for everyone and things just keep getting worse and worse and one day i might not even be able to stand someone even complimenting me and i dont understand ehy it keeps getting worse and why my body goes against what my brain wants or my brain goes against what my body wants why can nothing work why can’t affection just make me happy why cant i just be normal why cant i just fucking be normal wnd have a normal life and have a family who likes me have a dad that doesnt just keep surveillance on me have a mum that’s truthful and doesn’t try to make me relapse that doesnt hurt me that didnt lock me in a garage with sick kittens dying in my arms becayse she refused to take them to a vet no matter how much i screamed and cried who doesnt confuse me so much that doesnt make me feel so upset and sad and confused and angry for loving her a mum that doesnt get angry at every tiny thing i do that just is a good mum why cant i have friends that want to see me and just have a picnic or just go to a beach ones that dont live hours away ones that will just be kind kaja broke my heart because she makes the prank tattoo into this weird branding thing when i just wanted to make both of us laugh she insults me and tries to freak me out she just wants to ridicule me

i dont understand why so many people just want to hurt me why im so deserving of it why nobody wants to be gentle and why i can’t just let someone be gentle without being terrified they’ll leave and it’ll all go wrong and they’ll start hurting me like so many other people i just want someone to say something other than “oh that sucks” or “oh im sorry” when i tell them something that hurts me i want people to react when i tell them about abuse about loss about what’s happened to me becayse no one reacts no one says a thing and it kills me i just want someone to think what ive been through is bad i want someone to just tell me how i feel is okay i want people to stop acting like its normal like its not even worth commenting on i want people to hurt for me instead of ignoring me and my emotions i want someone to really fucking care i just eant a normal life

[diaryfullofsparklesandkisses]

Okok. I think I can explain how I feel. So like picture u find what u really actually like to do, the thing that feels like work in the sense that it’s hard but rewarding and adds positivity to society. Then ok u spend a lot of time doing that thing, we’ll u sorta had to to understand that this is the thing you feel like u should be doing.. So for me this is studio music, like making music in my house and putting it online. Sewwww I see a lot of ppl doing this as well right, the ones I see are usually successful (cuz u don’t see the ones that aren’t). But like u know it’s possible some ppl get to have an audience that finds them where they like the music, maybe the artist lives off of that but idk how that would happen. Regardless there are ppl who technically do that, tho I guess that involves live shows maybe. So for me I’m constantly in the state of, I found the thing I want to do but I’m dogshit at it. But it’s not like I want to be super proficient at an instrument, or write impossible progressive music, or like idk my goals aren’t that grand at all. I kinda make what I want to make for the most part, maybe I master things slightly shittily, my side point is that loss of ppl make things happen while having the skills and tools adjacent to what I think I have. So idk if that’s the problem. More just like for whatever reason nobody notices me. BUT BUT BUT ok I super hate having to pretend I’m a big deal though. I use to do that when I was in survival mode and I fucking haaaate looking back on my outward facing attitude at that time. It’s not even that bad but it’s just so cringe. In reality I’m not intelligent I’m not THAT cool and I don’t think highly of myself, I guess for the reasons of failing so much. I do not want to be self promotional like I think I’m a big deal, because I’m not and that’s embarrassing, I’m literally just doing my useless skill. Same w visual art, absolutely useless, such a bullshit skill that I have. But if I make something nice that goes on someone’s wall then that’s epic. But sometimes I don’t want to make a nice thing, sometimes what needs to come out it horrible, cuz that’s how I feel I don’t feel good. Because this isn’t a good time, usually I’m not doing what I want to do succesfully. Ok so u find ur thing u should do, u try and try and try, every thing u make ur proud of, then after u make it u think all ur past things are silly and failures, and ur new thing will be different. Or u just resign ur new thing to being bad and that no one will see it and that’s fine. And that’s where im at. Im at, im bad at what I do creatively, and when I do do it im doing it for only me. Which is fine. But I barely get to do it from how tired I am from working and other commitments I have in life. BUT THE THING IS MY ACTUAL PURPOSE. So I spend all my time not doing the thing I should be doing and regardless of if that’s an untruth it feels true to me so it’s bad mentally. Either I completely let go of anything creative and I was never an artist forget about it I don’t even know how to do any of that, or I get this mental torture all the time. And I can’t forget, I’ve done it too long to forget. And there’s no way I can like “live my dream” that’s simply not going to happen. Bro I cannot believe how delusional I was in the past like fake it till u make it steeze.. I just can’t remotely look back at it cuz I’m like oh god did I actually believe I was good. But I had to!!!! I didn’t have any other options like I had to try it. It’s just so embarrassing. Like baseline I’m so average, even if I try to make sure I’m original I’m somehow not, like there’s just no way to be actually good. Or that’s not accessible to me. And having no art or music “career” lol that definitely makes it all worse. Like I can’t help but put all my time in because it’s my thing. But even when I’m trying my absolute best it doesn’t find ppl or there’s no audience or whatever. And that’s kind of on me, like most of that is probably my fault and the quality of what I’m making

[milliumizoomi]

𝐼𝑆 𝑇𝐻𝐴𝑇 𝐻𝐸𝑅?!

TodoBakuDeku x Black FEM! Reader

AGED UP!!

Warnings: Fluff to Angst to Fluff, cursing, confused boyfriends, tw,, racism mention and hidden talents.

A/n: my motivation be dropping really fast but we back😩✨. also i got a lil lazy at the end so that’s mbb😭.

✗ 𝐎𝐇 𝐆𝐎𝐃, you knew that this wasn’t supposed to happen. They weren’t supposed to find out like this and now they're calling and texting you trying to find out where you are and what exactly it is that they just saw on literally one of the biggest billboard TVs in the city.

✗ But I should backtrack and say what lead to this.

✗ It started about 4 days ago.

You came home from work to an empty house, as usual. You were used to this. Your boyfriends were pro heroes so this was normal. You walked to your shared bedroom and dropped your purse on the bed. You sat down on the same bed and slipped your heels off. You then flopped down and let your body relaxed. “Ugh.. today was stressful. Ima go take a shower the wait for the boys to come home” you said. You then got up and stripped. You then picked up your shower cap off the dresser and walked to the bathroom. You pulled your lace front into a bun and put your shower cap on and turned the water on then hopped in the shower.

20 minutes later, you got finished with your shower. You stepped out and grabbed your (f/c) towel and dried off. You then also took the chance to peel the shower cap off of your head. You set the shower cap on the shelf and wrapped the towel around your body and walked out of the bathroom. You got to the bathroom and grabbed your lotion off the dresser and started to apply it to your body. After you were done, you threw on a big t-shirt that you had bought some time back.

You walked into the living room to see none of your boyfriends are back. You shrugged this off and decided to make dinner. Today you thought you make ackee and saltfish. You knew that your boys enjoyed your food. Especially since they weren’t used to food like that. So you got to work.

About an hour later, you hear the front door jiggling. And then the sounds of gruff voices could be heard. ‘They’re home’ you thought as you covered the pot and walked to the front door. When you got there, you saw all of your boyfriends leaning on each other as support for taking off their shoes. “Welcome home,” you said to them. They all looked up, stunned. They didn’t even notice you were there.

“Oh hey angel sorry you startled us. Are you ok?” Todoroki said as he stood up and hugged your much tinier figure. “Yes, sweetheart I’m ok. And how are my other boys?” You asked teasingly. Bakugou grumbled and stood up and leaned down towards your shoulder. You could tell he was stressed. “Ease up ‘Suki babe I need to my hair outta the way,” you said as you felt Bakogou’s head resting on your hair. He lifted his head for a second and allowed you to move your hair then dropped his head right back onto your shoulder. Midoriya then walked up to you and snuggled his head into the top of your head. “Hi pretty baby.. you ok?” He asked as he continued to rest his head on you. “My baby m’ok but y’all look tired.. rough day?” You asked as u were still supporting all of these huge men whom were all 6 foot and over. He nodded his head in your hair, answering your question. You stayed like that for a while until you remembered. “..Did I turn off the stove?” All the boys perked up at you at your question. “WHAT THE HELL?!” Bakugou yelled as he bolted to the kitchen. “Oh crap..!” You said as he managed to turn it off before anything bad happened. “I can’t believe I totally forgot..” you sighed. “Well boys go clean up I’ll share your plates,” you told the boys. They nodded and headed to the bedroom.

‘They were off.. what happened today..?’ You thought. You had realized that their behavior was slightly off as soon as you walked up to the door and inspected them. Their body language was a little different. ‘But why didn’t they tell me..? Do they not wanna talk about it?’ You continued to ponder. You decided that you would ask them later. You shared their plates and placed them on the table. You then shared your plate and sat down. They all emerged out of their bedroom in their casual clothes. And by casual I mean shirtless with sweats on.

They came and sat down at the table. “Thanks princess, it looks delicious!” Midoriya praised. Bakugou grunted in approval and Todoroki nodded, indicating he thought the same. You all then started eating in silence. It felt awkward. You decided this would be the best time to talk about what may be bothering them,, so you asked. “My loves?” You started. They all looked up and you, letting you know you have their attention. “Did something happen..? I mean! The reason I was asking is that you guys seem to be deep in thought about something” you continued.

You watched as all three of the men looked at each other then looked back down at their food. You sat there confused. Where they not going to tell you? You opened your mouth to say something but Bakugou cuts you off, “Don’t worry about it Y/N.. it doesn’t concern you anyways” he grunted. This surprises you. You all had been keen on communication in this relationship and yet here they are shutting you out. “What does that mean Kastuki? Y’all know that we communicate in this relationship. I want to help you with whatever it is that is bothering y’all but how am I supposed to when you won’t even tell me?” You said, having your english slowly beginning to break because you were getting a little upset.

“Drop it Y/N. This isn’t something we wanna share ok” Todoroki said calmly. “But why? We’re supposed to be open about this stuff” You answered back. You weren’t going to drop this so easily. You wanted answers all while trying to stay rational, calm, and patient, but that was slowly dwindling. “At least explain to me why you don’t want me to know and I won’t push it! You aren’t giving me any answers here! How am I supposed to feel seeing the three people I love so much walk through that god damned door looking frustrated and shit huh?!” You say getting even more frustrated.

“STOP FUCKING ASKING! IT’S NOT LIKE YOU WOULD UNDERSTAND OK!” Bakugou yelled. “Now I don’t know who the fuck you raising your voice at ‘cause I know it ain’t me,” you said, trying to maintain your calm state of mind. “Yes! I am talking to you” Bakugou grunted out. “No the hell you not y’all know I don’t take disrespect from nobody,” you said while leaning your hand on the table and resting your face in your palm.

They stayed silent. “And why don’t you think I’ll understand?” You continued. They didn’t answer. “Well?” You questioned. You scoffed. “Wow ok, no answer tough crowd I guess..” you said, rolling your eyes. You looked over at Midoriya who was silent the whole time. You could see he wanted to say something by the look on his face.

“You got something to say don’t you Izuku? Go ahead say it. ‘Cause right now I’m trying to understand” you told him. He froze up at the sound of his name. You didn’t really use their real names much so it was a shock to not only him but the other two men as well. “B-babe.. well I— I just—“ he started. He then sighed and started again. “It’s something you wouldn’t understand because um..” he said and then mumbled something at the end. “Ima need you to speak up please ‘cause you mumbling and I ain’t hear what you said” you said. He froze for a second then said it again. “Because your not...” he mumbled again. “Izu I still can’t hear you” you told him. “BECAUSE YOUR NOT A PRO HERO!” He blurted out. Your eyes widened and you froze. We’re they seriously not gonna tell you what’s bothering them because of their job?

“Are yall fucking serious..?” You mumbled out. “We’ve lived together for so long.. we’ve been dating for so long and y’all trying to tell me the reason y’all can’t explain what the hell is bothering you is because I don’t have the same fucking job..!” You stated getting angry. “What does that even have to do with anything?!” You said, fuming.

And they just sat there. Staring down at the table. “I don’t give a damn about your job all I want to know is what’s wrong so I can help you!” You yelled out. “You should give a damn about our jobs.. all you do is leech off u—“ Bakugou started but stopped as soon as he heard what he was saying. The other two men looked at him wide eyed. They all turned to look at you. You stood there in shock. You then laughed, but there was no humor behind it.

“Wow.. this all started because I was trying to be a good girlfriend. And then the people I call so called boyfriends wanna tell me that I’m LEECHING OFF THEM?! THAT THE REASON THEY CAN NO LONGER TALK WITH ME IS BECAUSE IM NOT A FUCKING BIG SHOT LIKE THEM?! UNLESS YOU FORGOT I GO TO WORK TOO! I DON’T LEECH OFF NOBODY FOR SHIT!” You said, seeing red. How dare they. They know the shit you go through at your workplace. Having to deal with racism and things of that nature. You stood up from the table with the food that was barely touched. “Eat your food I’m going to bed.. do whatever the fuck y’all want ion care,, I won’t ask no questions no more. Thanks for telling me the reason though” You said as you walked off to one of the guest bedrooms to sleep.

They boys sat there in silence. They knew they were wrong for what they did and no doubt they felt horrible. “Fuck” Bakugou started, leaning down to hit his head on the table. “That was the worst conversation ever..” Midoriya said, pushing his plate away. “I feel really bad.. all she wanted to do was help” Todoroki chimes in. The guilt settles with them. “She.. she didn’t deserve that..” Bakugou said feeling extremely guilty. “Why did I say those stuff.. I’m a fucking idiot!” He continued. “Don’t say that Kacchan! Granted we didn’t act the best but..” Midoriya trails off. “We should go talk to her..” Todoroki says as he gets up. The other two men get up as well and they all walk towards the room you were in.

They stopped in front of the door when they get there. Midoriya knocked softly. “B-babe..? Can we come in?” He said silently. There was no answer. He looked back at the two males behind him then spoke a little louder. “N/N can we come in please we’re sorry.” Still there was no answer. Todoroki moved in front of him to test if the door was unlocked and it was.

He looked over at Midoriya and Bakugou, then looked forward and pushed the door open. The room was dark, with only a soft glow coming from your phone. Your back faced away from the door so you couldn’t see the boys when they came inside the room. “B-babe..?” Midoriya croaked out. You didn’t answer. “Babe we’re sorry please face us..” He continued. You stayed silent, not moving a muscle. The boys looked at each other and sighed in defeat. They moved to leave since they knew that when your mind was made up about something, there’s no persuading you.

“Hey..” you called out to them before they left the room. “Yes?!” Midoriya called out first. The three men turned around quickly, facing you. “Say that to me again.. and I won’t stay here..” you said as you turned to face them. Your eyes were red and your face was tear stained. You cry when frustrated.

The three men stiffened. The my knees what they did was wrong, but they had no clue it affected you so much. “Do I make myself clear..?” You asked seriously. “Y-yes babe.. we’re sorry.. just please don’t leave.. please” Todoroki said as he leaned down next to your bed and hugged you. You put your hand on his head and reassured him. “I’m not, I’m not. I trust you guys. You have me your word. I love you. All of you.” You tell them. Bakugou and Midoriya stood there, probably too overwhelmed with the situation. “Come on you two. Get over here.” You smile at them. The all laid in your bed together and fell asleep, the dinner forgotten on the table.

You woke up the next day to a cold bed. ‘Oh they probably went to work already..’ you thought. It was Friday. “Well.. time to get up” you yawned. You got up out of your bed and stretched. You took a shower, put your clothes on and made breakfast. You realized the dishes from the dinner you cooked yesterday were washed and cleaned already. You smiled at this and continued to finish getting ready for work. You finished your preparation and went to your car. You started the car and drove off to work.

When you pulled up, you got a text from your friend since middle school.

✗ Messages

[???]

— hey y/n! how you been?

[you]

— hey … ! ive been good,, hbu?

[???]

— ive been doing alright,, but i need to ask you a favor

[you]

— a favor?? what kind of favor??

[???]

— remember what we used to do in high school >:)

[you]

— lemme think abt it ok

[???]

— alr but lmk soon ok

[you]

— np xai yk i will

Read at 8:43 a.m

You spent the whole morning considering what your long time best friend asked of you. You really wanted to, but you weren’t sure. ‘It has been a while.. and I’d like to catch up. I wonder if they still act the same,, knowing those bitches they haven’t changed” you rolled your eyes and laughed.

A few hours pass and you get off work and get home. You slip your shoes and jacket off and walk to your shared bedroom with the boys. ‘Ugh..my head is killing me..’ you thought as you sighed and plopped down on the bed. You took your phone out of your back pocket and looked at the messages again. You really weren’t sure whether or not it was a good idea. You decided to take some more time to just think it over.

You sighed as set your phone down on the bed. You payed there for a bit just to relax. After a couple minutes you decided to go take a shower. “Ugh.. time to take a shower. Damn work took it outta me today. Wonder when them niggas getting home today..” you stretched and said. You laughed to yourself as you thought of how many times you’ve called the men you live with different names. It’s funny because they don’t mind it at all, so you get to basically call them anything you want. You shook the thought from your head and headed to the bathroom to take your shower.

After you finished, you walked out with a towel on and headed back to the room. ‘Ok I needed that..’ you thought to yourself. You made sure to dry your skin properly and continue to do your night routine. ‘Finally finished for the night.. god I’m tired but I still have to cook’ you thought.

You made your way to the kitchen to prepare dinner. You chose to make some fried chicken with rice and a homemade sauce you created a while back. You got the pots on the stove and started cooking. Like clockwork, the 3 men you shared your home with came through the door at roughly the same time as the day before. Right now, it was 8:39pm. You heard the front door and the muffled voices from the kitchen. You smiled to yourself knowing that they made it home safely. Being a pro hero does not mean you living to see tomorrow is guaranteed, so you were grateful. You heard their heavy footsteps and muffled voices coming closer towards you. You turned away from the stove to greet them.

“Hey how was work?” You questioned as you were putting a knife down. “Stressful” Bakugou said running his had over his face. He walked over to you and wrapped his arms around your waist, trying to look at what you were cooking. “Hey babe” Todoroki said sitting at the table. “Hi Sho. I’m guessing your day was just as bad as Katsuki’s huh?” You snickered. Todoroki shook his head with a soft smile on his face because of your antics. “How ‘bout you Izu how did the job go for you?” You said teasingly. He groaned and leaned up next to you on fridge. “It was stressful today that’s for sure..” he exasperated.

You couldn’t help but laugh at them. They look so out of place and annoyed. “Awe come on babe cut us some slack. Some of these people really know how to get on my nerves ok!” Bakugou groaned. The two other men nodded in agreement. You let out a final laugh before calming down. “Okok I will. I’m sorry” you said, still trying to calm down. The three men looked at you then smiled. This went unnoticed by you since you had shifted your attention back to the stove. Your mind was still lingering on the day before with the events that took place. You shook you’re heading to try and shake off the feeling since you opted to try and not think about it and got back to cooking.

“Oh by the way N/N, we have some plans we have to look over for the weekend ok? So we need to focus because apparently this new mission is a big job” Todoroki said. You nodded. You knew by the tone of his voice that he was serious, plus, you had no energy to say anything otherwise. “Dinner’s ready!” You said as you placed their food on the table. You could see that they’ve already started talking about what they had to do.

Suddenly a light bulb went off in you head. “Aye.. y’all.. I actually have something a friend wanted me to help them on this weekend. They didn’t say what it was but apparently it’s some sort of project” you tell them. You decided you were gonna help your friend since the boys are gonna be extremely busy. And that meant you were most likely gonna get ignored unintentionally, which is something you weren’t looking forward to anyways. And since they already started planning out what they were going to do about the mission, they just waved you off. You rolled your eyes and went to your shared room and grabbed your phone.

✗ Messages

— i’ll be there,, and expect me early cuz i may be leaving tonight or early tomorrow

Delivered

You put your phone down and started to pack a bag full of stuff you may need. ‘Should I leave a note when I’m going?’ You thought. ‘Naw whatever I’ll text them that I’m gone’ you decided. You continued to pack your overnight bag, making sure to put all the essentials in it. You look at the clock to see it was already past 10.

“Damn that took longer than I thought..” you said as you leaned up to stretch your back. ‘Where are those overworkers anyways? I thought they’d come in here and see me packing or sumn but I guess not’ you thought as your mind traveled to your boyfriends. You walked out of the room and into the kitchen to see they were already done eating. You rolled your eyes. “Of course those niggas are already working. Guess I’ll leave tonight. Got nothing to do anyways” you said to yourself.

You went back to your room and changed your clothes. After you were done, you made sure to grab your purse and put everything that may be needed in it. You wrote a note and stuck it the one place you knew they would all see it. The fridge. After you were done, you took all your stuff and grabbed your car keys. You walked out of the big doors and opened your car to drop all of your stuff on the passenger side of the car. You walked back around to the driver side and jumped in. You started the car and drove off, already knowing the address to the place you needed to go.

You arrived at the big house that was blaring with music. ‘A music video.. I knew it’ you thought. You and your friend, which was a well known musician. A famous one at that. And he wanted you to be in it since well, you’re a dancer and sometimes you sing too. ‘This was the project huh..?’ You thought as you shook you’re head and laughed silently.

“N/N YOU HOE YOU MADE IT!” Your friend, Xai yelled as he hugged you. You hugged him back. “Shut the fuck up bitch, yes i'm here. Now tell me what I have to do nigga” you said teasingly.

He rolls his eyes at you. “You know exactly what to do don’t act” he says walking away. You laugh. “Yeah yeah I hear ya. Now where’s my outfit. This is gonna be so fun” you said with excitement.

A few days later•••

And that is how you ended up with your situation. Apparently you went viral in that music video. You were one of the dancers and one of the background singers. You were dancing with your friend, who’s stage name was Xailli, in a scene and people found you captivating. So now your face was on some of the biggest billboards in the city. And apparently they, meaning your 3 boys, saw you and is now blowing up you’re phone.

“XAI! WHAT THE HELL! I DIDN’T KNOW THAT YOU WERE ACTUALLY PLANNING ON RELEASING IT SO QUICKLY!” You yelled at him on the phone. “I DIDN’T KNOW THEY WERE RELEASING IT EITHER!” He said frustrated. “Oh my god.. and now their blowing up my phone” you said. Right now you were hurrying to drive home.

“Omg I’m gonna get a fucking earful when I get home. And I honestly thought it was supposed to be a rough draft” you sighed. You never told the boys about your secret talents and now you were pretty sure whatever conversation that’s waiting on you wasn’t gonna be a pretty one. “Wait are they planning on releasing the rest?!” You asked expectantly. Xai scratches his head. “You know I’m not even sure no more I’d have to ask but since they can pull shit like this I wouldn’t put it past them..” he answers very frustrated. “Fuck..” you sighed.

“When I see your producers again they getting they ass beat. And why did they make us sign that NDA?” You asked. “Honestly I have no idea. I feel like they tryin to hide sumn but I don’t fucking know” he answered, visibly stressed. “Ah whatever.. I just pulled up outside the house so I’ll talk to you later ok” you said to him. “Alright laterrrrrr” he answered in a singsong voice. “Byeeeeee” you answered as you hung up.

‘Ah fuck..' you thought as you got out of the car and made your way to the front door. You walk up the stairs and go to open the front door when it swung open. You froze. ‘shit! shit! shit!’ You thought. You head was tilted down so all you saw were their feet. You were pretty sure they were starting down on you so you didn’t move an inch.

“Well?” Midoriya said. You didn’t even shift. For some reason you were so nervous that you didn’t even realize you were holding your breath. “Get your ass inside. We need to talk about something that I’m pretty sure you know about” Bakugou said, turning around. The other two men turned around and walked inside the house.

‘Why the actual fuck is this happening right now’ you thought as you walked in the house, head still facing the ground. You put all your stuff by the door and took you shoes off, then just stood there awkwardly. The three men stood in front of you, towering over your body.

“So.. you gonna start explaining? Because we sure as hell would love to know what we saw on the billboards all over the fucking city" Bakugou said. “And look up at us when we’re talkin’ to you” Midoriya says.

‘This is gonna be a fuckin' pain..’ you thought. You stood up straight and look at them dead in the eye. “What do you wanna know?” You asked. They all looked down at you knowingly. “We for one, why the fuck were you on a billboard today?” Bakugou asked. You sighed. “Ok I left you a note saying that I was gonna go to my friend’s house to help them with a project, given I had a feeling it was gonna be a music video but I wasn’t 100% sure” you said honestly. The three men looked at each other, then back at you. “Ok.. so then why didn’t you text us to tell us that’s what you were going to be doing when you found out?” Todoroki questioned. “I couldn’t. For some reason I had to sign an NDA, which I don’t normally have to do” you replied.

“They made you sign an NDA?!” Todoroki asks, concerned. “And you said they usually don’t make you do that..? Does that mean you’ve helped or does these types of things before?” Midoriya asks. “First yes Sho, I’ve been in helping in the music industry and in all my years of doing that I’ve never had to sign an NDA. And secondly, Yes Izu, as I said before I have been helping in this industry for a while.” You answered honestly. The three men stood there bewildered.

“So you’ve been helping with these kinds of things and never told us?” Bakugou asked. “Well yeah I guess.. it really wasn’t a everyday sort of thing. Whenever they called me to help I’d either tell them yes or no.” You answered. “Ok.. so what about the NDA?” Todoroki asks. “Well.. we did multiple videos, meaning music videos, and the producers released the video you saw today without Xai’s permission so I’m not sure what their gonna do now” you answered.

“WAIT THERE’S MORE?!” Bakugou yelled. “Uh.. yeah??” You answered in clear confused. “And they made you sign an NDA?!” Midoriya questioned. “Uhh yeah I’m sorry I don’t get it” you answered back visibly still confused. You looked at the three men who looked at you then looked at each other.

“Yeah we’re going down there NOW!!” Bakugou said, grabbing his jacket. “Wait wait WHAT HOLD ON I DON’T GET IT!” You yelled in confusion. Just then, your phone started ringing. You looked at the caller ID to see it was Xai. You answered it quickly. “Hey what’s up? You good why you calling again?” You asked. “No time to explain but you need to get over here quick. It has to do with the NDA. Turns out the producers and some people on my teams’ been pulling some shit behind the scenes,” he replied. You’re eyes widened at this and then mumbled a quick “thank you” then you hung up.

“They tried to fuck us over.. let’s go” you said as you rushed to the car. The three men looked at each other then proceeded to follow you. “I’m driving” Todoroki said as he took the keys from you. You all jumped in the car and he drove off. After you gave the directions and he got there, there was a spectacle outside. There were news reporters and paparazzi crowded outside. It was the house you shot the music video at, not Xai’s actual house. “For fuck's same how’d they find out already?!” Bakugou yelled. You sighed.

“I’ll handle this” you said as you got out the car. You walked up to the door but before you could get there, there were flashing mics and cameras being stuck up in your face. “Can you please get that away from me?” You asked as you tried to push forward but to no avail. “Excuse me but I think our love said to move back thank you,” Midoriya said, coming out of absolutely nowhere.

And the reporters just stood there in shock. Then the questions started bombarded all of you. You all managed to push through the flood of reporters, granted with Bakugou yelling curses for them to get out of your face. You all managed to get up to the front door. “XAI LET US IN! THESE REPORTERS OUT HERE ALL UP IN OUR FACE!” You yelled over the noise the door swung open and Todoroki pulled you up and walked inside the house with Midoriya and Bakugou quickly following. “Sho why’d you pick me up?” You asked. “I wanted to” he said nonchalantly. You rolled your eyes as he set you down.

“So where’s this Xai person and where can we find his management and team?” Midoriya said seriously. “No shit, they’re not getting away with this” Bakugou said. “I’m Xai and I’m talking to them right now, you can come along if you want to you know,” Xai answered. “You stay here” Midoriya said. “I ain’t staying nowhere,, let’s go,” you said, following Xai. The boys shook their heads at you and followed your lead.

✗ Eventually they got all the information they need and filed a lawsuit. Apparently what was happening was that Xai’s management was trying to squander the resources they have for this project they were currently doing for another. Basically copyright. And therefore they’ve made all who were there sign an NDA so that if this came out to them and those workers realized what they were doing then they wouldn’t be able to say anything.

✗ They got sued of course and Xai had to find new management. And you won the case and everyone was paid the money they deserved. You, on the other hand became a well know singer and dancer after that, with the help of the boys’ support of course. You were happy and so were the boys and you could honestly say that things couldn’t have turned out any better.

©Property of Miashimaa. Please don’t rectify, repost or modify without my permission. Plagiarism will NOT be tolerated.

Taglist: @develith @uniquabackyardigans @unfazedrose @kiribis-confesion-page @darylthekidd @gm4176 @blackweebtrash @erensbbg @shamwizzy @kloudyisdepressed @namjoonswifeyy @cosmiclvsh @bakuhoes-bxtch @morosis-haze @aracynthos @dukina (Open ! click here to be added!)

[the-official-account]

A Dump of my last pre-s2 theories

(and probably my last unqueued post for the day goddamn.)

Originally written yesterday. Edits day of posting. This post builds of evidence not yet presented in cannon but that is public to build the theory. If you consider that spoilers, dni. But here’s the tea:

On june 6th 2022 I sent this doodle to the discord

[ID: a simple, scribbled ink four panel comic showing a person with a short afro working on a laptop and slowly leaning back in their chair, silently, for three panels as the shot slowly zooms on their face which lookis progressively more worried. The last panel shows a close up of their face as they say “I’m worried about Elio.]

in hindsight I don’t know why i had to draw it out but i did? Alongside this I sent the messages

“Part of me wants la catrina to be undeniably good so bad but the more I think about the "nobody tells you what possession feels like" bit from episode one the more nervous i get and then listening to the season two trailer MMMMMMMM me, knowing he's not gonna be okay: I hope he's okay”

to which samy reacted with a single server emoji of that dude smoking and sighing and i have thought about that fucking reaction EVERY DAY SINCE.

But the REAL kicker? this post

[ID: a red blurry zoom in of the words “elio in season 2″]

IT SAYS ELIO HAS SOMETHING TO DO WITH DIFFERENT VERSIONS OF GODS BEINGS PRAYED TO IN SEASON TWO. WHICH. WHAT THE FUCK? AS FAR AS WE FUCKING KNOW, EVERY OTHER PERSON WHO ORIGINALLY PRAYED TO LA CATRINA IS DEAD.

[ID: a meme reaction of a guy pointing to a red stringed, paper covered cork board, explaining a conspiracy.]

Anyways. Here’s where i start copying a lot from the discord so it’s more me being weird and less eloquent essay format.

La Catrina's WHOLE DEAL is that she's a blend between Christian and Nahuatl religion. And GUESS WHAT? THE SHORT STORY CONFIRMS THAT THE SAME IS TRUE ABOUT TALIA And the way the baron and la Catrina dance together? And their deeply worrying plan im the final trailer????? I dont have answers but I do have fear .

What does it meeeeean.........I mean clearly if Leo can be an angel while being anti crusade hope isn't lost but......okay this is a stretch but I wonder if there are crusade-approved....is missionaries the word? Like folks with the crusade, who's whole role in the system is to pray to Christian assimilated versions of dangerous gods to overpower past believers and try to control them. It's a STRETCH. But ??????

Shinji's Shinigami man fucker be stable. Shinji if it comes down to it pleeease pull through.

The Good...ish? news is that though the clip about Talia wanting to be a stripper instead of having to kill god (the funniest thing to say but queen shit) she says she HAS to kill god. Not HAD. So. Uhm. Based on structure shit, and stuff Samy mentioned I can't cite rn (understand that I am very tired and most of these rants happen in this same situation) about the show probably being about 3 seasons I think there's a pretty high chance that end of season 2 brings us up to speed with the narration timeline, because that's just a great opportunity there.

Which means that what I mentioned before about Shinji feeling unsafe mentioning where his family is still has a chance to come to change, so yay good. Elio refers to himself as the bane of crusaders or something along those lines, which means that BEFORE he fights god he's still doing pretty well so, hey, he probably won't get zalien god sucked again. Good, cool, chill.

Downside being we can't be absolutely sure if they live through the whole series but HAHAHA HEYYYY ITS FINE

I'm so mad cause I know there are so many details I'm missing that would make me actually chew on wood furniture as much as I say that like for real.  I might speed read the transcripts tomorrow [im not gonna so that asjdlfsfasd im tired] which it probably the worst way to consume this show but I have no defense. But the purpose of the recordings though it so help the next generation basically.

They're for preservation, I don't know how they phrased it exactly (sorry but you haven't seen my cry about the internet archive and I'm not gonna get started about the internet archive because it brings me to tears everytime but that's to say wow preservation is a subject and theme that HITS) but it could, alternatively, be very likely that the show recorded before finally preparations to fight TBMINTS

Which, you know, from a writing perspective there really are those two choices. Let the audience know there is a major format-shifting change end of season 2 to build anticipation for the final season OR save that getting up to speed but until the last few episodes of season 3 because a long term formatting change might annoy some audience members. There's also the idea that you can get up to speed, have daily/more recent audio-diary-like things, and then do a format switch end of season 3

We've got to find out about them fighting god somehow, and I don't know if the current format fits that whole deal? Maybe it could, I’d love to see it if it did, but I think the chances for a switch are high and what that says about the pacing of the show has some effect on how sure I am that my faves are gonna live ngl.

Like if you wait til the last few episodes a reflective on the noble deaths of the big 3 would work pretty well and yes it would be a wonderful story if it went that way I have full faith, but I also don't WANT it yk?

But I do not see all the cogs I am a poor fic writer leaning up a cypress tree etc.

[Here, a brief discussion on themes of cultural preservation and how they’re often recorded in real life]

Which HITS with elio especially. And also talia having read that short story. They had parallels but now they have PARALLELS. I just am literally so scared for elio next season though. And Talia by parralell extension but also cause I think Samy mentioned giving more into her deal s2 in the q&a? But less like SCARED scared.

Okay wait hello this is very  but IS it a stretch to say there may be legions of believer’s tainting how the god’s menifest? Like it's a stretch if you're assuming these people are AWARE of their roles in the system. That it's an intentional force by each individual directed at helping the crusade

BUUUUUUT TBMINTS runs on media. He run on major movies. If I was the god of a massive, relatively culturally cohesive continent (north America in comparison to, like, Asia, has very few thriving cultures, the colonialism will do that to you) and I was created by, and therefore knew how to leverage, media to harness belief to get more power from humans, like the next step would very obviously be to manufacture more media to help reach my goals.

And if I was manufacturing media to help me goals with a very large, organized force that surely has some sort of research division because what is marketing if not research but evil, I would totally say to myself

Hey!

I can control other gods by controlling the perspectives of their believers!

Hey! I can make people believers and shape their beliefs with media!

Hey! Why not send out various targeted feeds in the news and in pop culture funded by my massive organized theocracy showing the most powerful of my enemies as fitting more cleanly into the idea of good and evil that benefits me, both so that the I convince the subjects of my dominion their is no other alternative than the way I rule and also to hinder the other gods by making them more wreckless and more violent in ways that do not help their ultimate goals and create a cycle of demonizing them in the eyes of the masses? Literally what is stopping me from doing that?

NOTHING.

[Edit: There’s some evidence to by found maybe in that Elio who grew up in the americas had no fucking clue about the governments of europe and japan until he was told. Smells like a propaganda machine to me.]

And if it wasn't TBMINTS plotting himself he's got, like, at least a million bootlickers one of them has gotta be a mastermind with how much holy steroids he pumps into them. 

And like. The show's been...well it hasn't defined belief yet, which is really what leaves room for this theory.

Marcus didnt believe in lady luck in the same way elio believed in La Catrina (shrouding themselves in dark robes and praying In basements "it was all very dramatic") he just saw her once and just kinda lived his life knowing that. It only came into play much later when he needed to confront it.

Witches are just assured of themselves and their power. That's a background belief they don't pray to themselves they don't actively maintain that.

And Samar's whole deal?

My point is with the breadth of diversity in what "belief" is in the show and how it powers gods there's definitely space for this crackpot theory still (watch that change as soon as this ep drops shfskhslss) [edit: VINDICATION! you cant call me wrong yet] but if I get even one thing right I'm gonna be elated.

But god also?? Like I feel like we're lead to believe fighting TBMINTS is going to be a physical thing. The trio's growing strengths are very physically centered. But how do you kill a god REALLY? With as many followers as he has even if you somehow slew him, what stops TBMINTS from immediately being reborn? His power  comes from the cultural eradication of nonbelievers, and as Leo's sympathetic example could be taken to hint at: you really just can't kill all those people. Many of them are just ...people. not crusaders.

SOOOOOOOOO IN THAT CASE. If you're fighting a god of the media in a world where where all power is based on popular belief and perception is not the best counterattack to create your own media? Physical aptitude keeps them alive, it wins the small battles, but it hearts and minds that win the war

WHAT IF THE REAL UNIMAGINABLY POWERFUL WEAPON WAS THE PODCAST WE'RE LISTENING TO ALL ALONG?!?!?!!?!

[fairycosmos]

Hi fairycosmos,

I really don’t want to bother you but I feel like you’re the only person I know (and I don’t even know you) who might be able to relate.

Today my sister would’ve turned 21, if we hadn’t lost her to cancer. I don’t know how to deal with my grief on her birthday, because it gets so overwhelming and suffocating and usually I just try to switch everything off by doing my uni work and switching off my mind as best as possible. I listened to Taylor Swift’s album Red, thinking music might distract me. But there is one line that goes “it’s supposed to be fun, turning 21” and I just got pulled under these waves of grief, it feels like I’m drowning. I can’t talk to my family about this, and again I’m really sorry for being a bother, I just felt the need to let somebody who might be able to understand know. I’m sorry you lost your sister, I’m sorry for the both of us and I’m sorry for our sister. Life is so cruel

god i am so so sorry to hear this :( i genuinely feel like words will never be able to do it justice, it’s the cruelest and most inexplicably fucking evil thing ever how ppl are taken from us so quickly and so soon. im so sorry, i can’t fathom your specific situation. sometimes attempts at comfort can feel like rubbing salt in the wound and i would really hate if this came across like that. so i just want to tell you that i really do understand (to an extent) and you do not have to sit in this pain alone. the waves of grief are inevitable, and horrible. quite literally the worst aspect of being a person, and nobody truly gets it until they find themselves in that situation too. but it’s ok to allow the emotion to wash over you, especially on days like today. it feels like the world is ending every single time, and you know you’ll get another tsunami of that same feeling tomorrow, and all you can do is accept it. you drown, float to the surface, you drown, float to the surface. i completely get how tiring and helpless it can feel. how utterly devastating, how fucking enraging. but talk to your sister. keep her around and celebrate her birthday even just within your own heart and mind. it was my sisters recently too, she would’ve been 24, and the whole day i was just drunk and on autopilot. i think it would’ve felt a little less suffocating in the long run if i had allowed myself to confront it even for a few minutes, no matter how hard those few minutes would’ve been. so i think you should do the same, whatever that means to you. if you want to talk about her, write about her, reminisce over better times, look at her photos. it won’t feel good obviously, in fact it feels like fucking hell to me personally, even worse than numbing it. but i think it’s the only way. that lyric reminds you of her because so much of her is still around, and it’s a heartbreaking thing, but she is. im sure your sister was just the most wonderful person, i can’t even comprehend how young she was in this context. you both deserved so much better, im so sorry. the complexities of the bond you had with her are something i’ll never understand, obviously only you knew her in that specific way. but im sure she knows you love her so immensely, and of course that love and connection is still just as real as it ever was. i try my absolute hardest to think that my sister and i still have a relationship even though she’s not here, and special occasions such as birthdays can be a really good way to honour that. i couldn’t do it on her last birthday, i was just so out of my mind. but maybe next time. and maybe you can this time. just cry as much as you need, do whatever it takes to get from hour to hour. moment to moment even. scream, dont talk. distract yourself, or stay in bed all day. whatever you need, it’s ok. i understand that literally nothing compares to having her physically here, and there’s no way around that. it’s like a fucking nightmare, all the time. but she is such a giant part of you and everyone around you, regardless. and she absolutely always will be. i really really hope that the rest of the day doesn’t give you too much trouble, but whatever happens, it’s alright. there’s no wrong way to grieve and just surviving days like this is such a monumental achievement. again, i am so so sorry. im keeping your sister in my thoughts, and you too. i feel like she was such a light. im so sorry. sending you the biggest hug ever. please take care of yourself, especially today. if you need something to focus on, just focus on that. getting enough rest, eating enough, getting comfortable and clean. one step at a time x

[oikawasass]

IM A BAKUHOE CAN U PLS DO 74 OR 76 WITH BLASTY ASS 🥺🥺🥺 - midoriya anon

hi I did both cause they were cute.

also new posting format baby lets goooo 😎

its also like almost 3am and this is half-ass edited so forgive me but I hope its alright

prompt 74 : “You’ve shown me what love can feel like.”

prompt 76 : “I wouldn’t change a thing about you.”

reassurance.

‣ pairing : bakugo x fem reader.

‣ oneshot.

‣ synopsis : bakugo finally confronts his girlfriend on why she’s been so distant.

‣ wordcount : 2.1k

‣ warnings : swearing, angst if you squint.

a series of heavy knocks could be heard on the other side of her door, immediately alerting her of who exactly it was. there was only one boy in the u.a dorms who could knock like he was about to punch straight through the wooden panel, and that was, of course, bakugo katsuki.

(name) shut off her phone and pulled her pillow over her head, dreading the conversation she knew would come about if she let him inside. so naturally, she ignored the knocks in hopes that the blonde who was about to start throwing down with her door would go away.

but we all know katsuki is far too stubborn for that.

another series of much louder knocks erupted from the doorway, as bakugo grew more and more impatient from the lack of response.

“oi, open up already dumbass, I know you’re in there.”

truth is, (name) had found herself in a bit of a rut, and had been feeling rather insecure for the past few weeks. the first little while she’d been begun feeling that way, she was able to bite the bullet and keep going about her life, pushing most of her negative thoughts aside as best she could. but now, for the past 5 or so days she’s been completely cut off.

talking to her boyfriend about things wasn’t hard for her. she trusted him and didn’t find it too difficult to open up when something was bothering her, but this was different.

insecurity was something bakugo typically didn’t acknowledge and quite frankly, looked down on most of the time. (name) didn’t wanna find herself bothering him with something she knew he most likely would think is annoying, hence the multiple weeks she had kept quiet about it, hoping it would go away on its own or she’d be able to figure it out herself.

unfortunately for her, things didn’t go quite according to plan when she continued to spiral downwards.

she’d been quiet in her classes, noticeably dodging bakugo and her friends, not sticking around for lunch or after training like she normally would, and everyone noticed she was off. everyone including katsuki.

he wanted to give her space to ‘sort her shit out’ before he began pestering and questioning her, as normally he’d want the same thing, but now it was coming up on a week and they’d hardly spoken. a few mutters of (name) saying “cant, homework.” or “sorry, I’m tired.” was all that had been said that week.

so naturally, bakugo got tired of all the silence and went to do what he did best. confront her. he wanted to know what the hell was going on, he was tired of pulling his hair out trying to figure out what he did wrong.

(name) didn’t answer the door once more. she knew she had fucked up pretty bad by ignoring him, but she didn’t know what else to do. and now she had to confront whatever problem she may have caused, which only made her want to curl up and hide more.

alas, when she heard a much softer, much quieter,

“please?”

coming from the hallway, she broke.

standing up with a heavy sigh, the (colour) haired girl stood up from her bed, rubbing her eyes and walking over to unlock the door, immediately going and flopping down into her mattress afterwards.

katsuki walked inside, shutting the door behind him and shoving his hands into the pockets of his black sweats. scanning over her figure, he took note of her tired eye bags, messy thrown up hair, and these fuzzy black penguin patterned pyjama pants which he knew she only wore when she was upset. paired with one of his hoodies she had stolen, of course.

“you look like shit.” bakugo grumbled, going and sitting down on the end of her bed, sinking into the soft (colour) duvet on top.

“good to see you too, babe.” (name) replied sarcastically, turning and shoving her face into a pile of her pillows.

there was an uncomfortable silence hanging over the room for a moment as katsuki figured out what he wanted to say, and it was obvious that (name) wasn’t gonna say anything first. with a heavy sigh, the blonde ran a hand through his thick, spiky hair and spoke up.

“did I- did I do something or whatever the fuck?” he asked, his words a bit harsh but his much quieter tone helping to deliver them much easier.

(name) bit the inside of her cheek gently, keeping her face hidden in the pile of sheets and freshly washed pillows.

“what makes you think that?” her response was mumbled by the fabric practically eating her face.

“don’t play dumb, shithead. you’ve been dodging me all week. you’re normally all- all clingy and shit and you never cancel plans.”

clingy. that one stung a bit.

“so if I did something to piss you off just- just fucking tell me already cause I’m getting really damn tired of-“

“you didn’t do anything, alright? chill out.” (name) cut him off, rolling onto her back so now the couple was making eye contact once more.

bakugo tsked, throwing his hands in the air a bit and letting them fall onto his lap.

“so then why the hell have you been blowing me off all week, huh?”

(name) sighed heavily, rubbing her eyes and sliding her hands down her face as she struggled with how exactly to articulate that she’d been feeling incredibly insecure and didn’t wanna be a nuisance to him without sounding like an absolute moron.

“I just- I’ve just been feeling shitty lately and I didn’t wanna bug you with it while I sort things out, okay?” she explained vaguely, nervously fidgeting with her fingers while she avoided his gaze.

when she mentioned she hadn’t been feeling well, bakugo softened up a little bit. he knew sometimes she got like this, having periods of time where she just wasn’t herself, but normally she came to him herself and told him what was up. so he couldn’t quite understand why this time was different.

bakugo sighed and stood up to go lay beside her, propping himself up on his elbow while resting his cheek in the palm of his hand.

“well why did you just say that in the first place, dumbass?”

he wasn’t a great advice giver, and he wasn’t great at comforting, but when it came to things like this he was a pretty good listener, so he always offered up his ears when (name) was feeling down.

“what’s got you down, huh? talk to me already.”

the girl beside him continued to fidget and play with her fingers, debating on whether she actually wanted to explain to him her feelings, or just shrug him off and do her best to convince the blonde it was something else.

she was ping-ponging back and forth. lie and most likely not get away with it but still not sound stupid, or tell the truth and have your boyfriend think you’re an idiot. a wide variety of lovely choices she had to choose from.

yet, in the end, she decided it would be best to be honest with him. oftentimes, nothing good came out of lying in these types of scenarios, and she surely didn’t want to fuck up more than she already might have. sure, katsuki wasn’t mad for the time being, but that boy’s temper can switch on and off like a light sometimes. so she still approached the situation cautiously.

“I feel just- annoying and like I’m a bother to you with this shit all the time so I didn’t wanna throw all my problems or whatever into you again, alright?

you’re practically this idol student who’s so damn cocky and confident in himself, so when….”

she sighed, trying to find the words once more.

“when I start feeling gross and insecure, or when I’m starting to completely flop in some of my classes, I just- i feel like I just become this huge weight on your back and..” she swallowed, slowing herself down as she felt herself begin to rant.

“…and it’s embarrassing! you shouldn’t have to deal with me feeling like an idiot, you have enough on your plate as it is and- and I should be able to deal with this kind of shit on my own, not immediately run to you whenever I feel-”

(name’s) midoriya-muttering speed ranting was cut off when a familiar pair of plush lips were pressed up against her own, immediately shoving all her worries into the back of her mind. she hadn’t realized how much she missed something as simple as a kiss from her boyfriend in the week she’d been distancing herself from him.

after a moment or so, when bakugo was sure she would be shut up enough for him to speak, he pulled away.

rolling onto his back, bakugo waved her over to him, using his other hand to prop up his head from behind.

“come here, just be quiet and listen for a sec will ya?”

(name) was not hesitant to cuddle right up into his side, tangling her legs in with his and resting her head atop his toned chest. after wrapping an arm tightly around her shoulders, rubbing her back slowly, the boy began to speak.

“it’s my job to be here for you, okay idiot? as sappy as it sounds, when you’re upset, I’m upset too. I don’t like seeing you down, it makes me feel like a shitty boyfriend for not bein’ able to help.” he leaned down to kiss the top of her head.

“you shouldn’t be embarrassed to tell me shit, doesn’t matter how stupid you think it is.

nobody’s perfect, alright? get that through your head.” bakugo said, flicking her forehead gently. (name) chuckled quietly.

“even you?”

“only sometimes, but that doesn’t leave this room.” bakugo answered, smirking to himself.

“listen, I know you’re a badass, and you can get through shit on your own. you’re strong as hell.

but that doesn’t mean you can’t take it. speaking from experience, sometimes it’s better to just bite your tongue and accept the help from people that care about you.”

(name) listened to every word that he said very carefully, letting them sink in as she processed them. it was rare that bakugo got like this, but when he did, it was rather impressive how easy he was able to make her feel better. his advice sucked half the time, sure, considering “blasting the fuckers to hell” isn’t always an option, but this kind of advice was something she’d keep with her always.

“you’re damn special, you know that? you’ve done somethin’ even better than getting a decent grade on your stupid chemistry test.”

bakugo stated, leaning his head back so his gaze was fixated on the ceiling, closing his eyes with a sigh. (name) furrowed her eyebrows together slightly, tilting her head up to look at her boyfriend.

“wait, but what did I do exactly?” she asked, curiosity lacing her tone. bakugo placed a hand on top of her head, ruffling her hair a bit.

“you’ve shown me what love can feel like. somethin’ I thought i’d never know or go through. so to do that, you’ve gotta be pretty fuckin’ incredible.”

(name) smiled up at him and leaned up a bit more to kiss his jaw, returning to her comfy spot on his chest right after.

“I’m sorry that I get like this. I’ll work on it, ‘kay?” (name) said quietly, still feeling a bit bad that bakugo had to go and tell her all this, though she can’t deny that it made her extremely happy to hear.

“shut up with that already, will you? you know I wouldn’t change a damn thing about you.”

and that was enough to reassure (name) almost completely, that her negative feelings and emotions weren’t as bad as she had been painting them out to be.

with a soft smile, and a slow close of her eyes, (name) nuzzled closer up into bakugo, her cheek squished up against his chest.

“I love you, you big softie.”

“yeah yeah, whatever. I love you too.”

[kevinexyqueen]

An fanfic where Neil starded working for the Hatfords after his mom died but he is already dating Andrew and join the foxes anyway

so, andrew and neil meet in juvie when neil was like 14

he stayed there for 3 or 4months while his mother worked some things out

and there he bonded with andrew, told him some trues (he was 14 he was not thar good at keeping secrets yet) , they make a deal, a lot of drama etc etc

and then he has to break out from the place and andrew is like

" i'm going with you"

"no, you're not"

"yes, i am"

andrew can be fucking stubborn so yeah he goes with neil

(he already knows about aaron is a way to put more distance between them)

mary is pissed off, but andrew knows to much and she was not about to kill him

and she sees the way that andrew protect neil so in the end andrew stays with them

is not like someone will put real effort in looking for a foster kid

so she shows andrew how to use a knife (I think she didn't stop teaching neil, is a too valuable habilit)

and also a gun, and i have a headcanon that Andrew is just awful with it, and neil loves to make fun of him

anyway, they protect each other, kill some people, fall in love, learns russian, spar together, normal teenager stuffs

mary does not know, andrew doesn't like her but he doesn't kill her because he knows she is the only reason neil is still alive

they started dating after a year since they meet, so neil was 15 and andrew 16

idk neils/nathaniels age makes me confuse

also, andrew convinces neil to play exy without she knowing

(btw i forgot to mention neil was stefan when thet meet and alex when seattle happens)

and well like a just said Seattle happens

and after that neil can't just keep running, he won't be responsible for Andrew death as well

sooo, yep he calls stuart

Stuart tells them all the moriyamas bullshit, etc etc

they go to the FBI, neils is officially neil abraam josten, Andrew becames andrew minyard etc

after that andrew goes to live with aaron and Neil goes to england, it was safer that way for both of them

STUART KILLS NATHAN/LOLA YEAHH

continuing, they keep dating, long distance and all, andrew goes to england every month at least and do little jobs for neil's family

neil only do some translation works and he is pretty good at making deals (the irony) so he deals with a lot of other mobs family's and is like a lot people think he should become head of the family but that's a long history

anyway, all the canon shit with Andrew happens the same way, Tilda, Nicky, he turning down the ravens and he join the foxes

but he has some Hatford people watching over him so he doesn't beat all those man alone and doesn't take his meds (just needs to see a therapist for a couple of years)

even with all the Mafia shit neil still plays exy and he is better than he is in canon since he have been practicing with andrew for a few years (and also he spars with andrew so hr is a wayyyy better fighter and he also uses the knifes cause of andrew insistence and again all the mafia shit)

anyway, the Hatfords know about them but Andrew's family/the foxes (same thing, no?) doesn't

they come with a plan to take down the moriyamas and i have that in my head but don't know how to explain

but neils deals with a lot of mafia family's right? so like if the moriyamas kill him the Hatfords and idk the chinese as well will take revenge, and the moriyamas would loose since they are dealing with a war in japan and kengo is in hospital, nathan is dead etc etc

so, too much trouble to kill neil, so neil makes a peace offer with ichirou that while he is in the eau he won't kill him or the other foxes

so like, if rikos touches them he will be carving his own grave, and thats the whole point, cause Kevin's hand proven that riko's doesn't have any self control so the fucking plan is making riko angry

and we all know how good neil is at this, andrew is not happy

so yeah, neil needs to join some exy team and of course he will join the foxes because his bf right

NOW EVERYONE FINDING OUT ABOUT NEIL

because like, they are together for years, and not as much hurt as they are in canon, they didn't feel the need to tell anyone but they also doesn't care to hide and yes they hold hand in public and things like this

now neil only come on the same day the upperclassmen return cause there was no need for him to come early

so, like a hour before the reunion in the lounge andrew is like hey everybody in the car now or you're walking

and everyone is like ???? especially when andrew makes kevin go in the backseat

and he goes to the airport and nobody understands nothing, until neil comes

and he just completely ignores everyone im the backseat (yes even Kevin) and looks at andrew >that way< and andrew is a man in love, so he leans and gives neil a quick kiss and neil smiles at him and with a fucking soft voice says "hey baby"

andrew did not blush

anyway they started driving and andrew has his hand on neils leg and aaron, nicky and kevin are just fucking shook, they have no reaction at all, no words nothing because WTF

so when neils turns and says "hey guys, i'm neil" and is meet with three shocked faces staring at him he is trying so hard not to laugh and just goes "are you all okay"

nicky's is the first to recover and well... nicky... "ANDREW, WTF, YOU HAVE A BOYFRIEND, WHY DIDN'T U TOLD US, WHAT ABOUT REENE, WHAT"

andrew ignores him and turns on the radio, neil lights a cigarette and they start talking in russian

aaron doesn't say a word

anyway, neils fly was a little late so they're the last ones at the stadium

so when they enter the lounge and andrew is waking with some scary dude (because yeah neil can be pretty and scary) and when they sit in the sofa with thights to shoulders touching everyone is like what the fucking hell

aaron and nicky find some other place to sit, neil does some remark and they start talking in russian and yeah they don't know if they should ignore or no

until dan breaks the spell by asking since when andrew speaking russian and andrew just look at her completely bored until neil answers her

after that wymack (which as always is so fucking done) asks if they have some more languages to show off or if they could start

they both deadpan "yes there is" but are ignored

anyway during the reunion some try to ask questions but wymack stops them and neil and andrew just glare at the person and that's enough to make they shut up

until Aaron makes some shitty remark about both of them in german and neil goes to protective mood and roast aaron in the same language

nicky has to stop aaron from punching Neil (and andrew won the bet he made with Stuart about someone trying to punch neil before neil punches someone

and again wymack is so done

and then they break the news about the ravens coming south

which andrew and neil already know because Hatfords

andrew is still pissed off at kevin

and then neils says (on purpose) something about the moriyamas and everyone is staring at him like????

and the he just smile a little >that smile< and says "you really don't remember me kevin"

he wasn't wearing contacts or anything like that so Kevin's recognizes him

it's caos

but i'm to tired to keep writing sorry

[random-mha-thoughts]

Bad Boy (Todoroki x Reader)

Pairing: Todoroki x Reader

Genre: Angst to fluff, and a lil spice ;), No quirk!AU

Summary: You finally get to see your childhood friend Shouto after years of being separated only to find out he’s completely changed.

BGM: “Younger” by Ruel

Word count: 2,781

Tags:  @yuki-osaki​ @liviitehe​ @iamsoftsodonttoucheume-blog​ @bunnythepipsqueak​

a/n: God this photo fucked me up good when I first saw it.

I saw this picture on my search for images for my last Todo post aaaaand yeah, pretty self explanatory. I got to thinking, what if this poor baby finally snapped one day and was like "FUCK ENDEAVOR AND HIS ENTIRE PROGRAM, IM NOBODY'S MASTERPIECE" and he went the complete opposite direction. So enjoy a little bit of OOC Todoroki and a bit of a longer post than my usual stuff!

I’m really really sorry about not updating in the past few days.  I was really swamped by college work and studying, and I was mentally exhausted and physically tired every day.  Today wasn’t my day and I almost had a breakdown because a lot of things piled up in me, but I had to pull myself together somehow.  Hopefully, after this week, I’ll go back to a somewhat regular posting schedule.  Thanks for being patient with me guys, I really appreciate it :)

When my mom told me Shouto will be going to the same high school as me, I was expecting the same buttoned-up, shy, good boy from elementary school.  Oh boy, was I wrong.

The boy I bump into in the hallway definitely looks like Shouto, but the only thing that's the same is his mismatched hair and eyes.  Everything else about him was much different.  His entire energy was different, even from the fraction of a second I focused on his face.

"Shouto?" I call when he's about to brush past me.

I don't think he's expecting someone to know him on the first day, pausing and looking down curiously.

The most shocking feature of all is the scar on his left side, a red blotch that covers the left side of his face, starkly contrasting his brilliant turquoise eye; a single ray of light in a scarlet sky.

As I'm gaping at the puckered skin, his eyebrows furrowing at my face as recognition slowly dawns on him.  "(Y/n)?"

I'm relieved that he at least remembers me.  "Yeah, hey."  I don't really know what to do now.  My first instinct is to hug him, but something tells me he isn't a fan of that sort of thing anymore.  There's a coldness between us that's thick as a knife.  "How have you been?"

"Fine," he answers curtly.  His hands are stuffed into his pockets, leaning back in a way that seems uncharacteristic of him and more like a ruffian.

Does his not want to talk to me?  I don't blame him, I haven't been in his life for a good eight years.  "How are your parents?"

His jaw clenches.  "Fine."

Oh.  I struck a nerve.  "Do you wanna catch up at lunch?  What class are you in?"

"1-A."  Overjoyed that we share the same class, I'm about to open my mouth, but he interjects, "But I don't think we should talk."  That was the last thing he said before he strolls past me.

I'm stunned, following his receding back through the sea of students.  I guess I shouldn't have brought up his parents when I know it's a sensitive topic, but I didn't know what else to say.  And it's probably awkward to see someone you used to be close to talk to you again, but the least he could've been is polite.  That's saying something, because Shouto was always the polite child.

Something is terribly wrong here.

Shouto has definitely changed since we were younger.  He's become a delinquent.

He never even shows up to class.  After our little encounter, he was slumped in his seat until the teacher finished role call, then he just got up and walked out in the middle of class and never came back.  In all the days after that, his seat remained empty even at the beginning of the day.

At first, I gave him the benefit of the doubt.  What if he happened to get sick and had to stay home?  Then I saw his signature mismatched tuft of hair walking back home in the school yard, and I knew he was skipping.

After a whole two weeks passed of him skipping, I had enough.  The Shouto I know would never cut class even if his life depended on it.  During lunch, I went looking for him in the group of other delinquent kids in the back of the school.

"Todoroki?" the ash-blond ringleader ruffles his hair and scoffs, "Idiot must be off somewhere by himself like the damn loner he is.  He picked a fight with me and I almost beat his ass into oblivion!"

I ball my fists up, more angry at Shouto than the group of boys eyeing me like a pack of wolves.  "You guys are useless," I mumble, about to turn away from them.

"Aww, is he your boyfriend, sweetie?" the honey blond with a black streak in his hair smoothly wraps an arm around me.  "He probably doesn't care about you, you deserve someone else who'll give you his time."

"Fuck off, who said you can touch me?"  I shove his arm away and step back.

"Calm down there," the red head with sharp teeth taunts with a smirk, "You're getting a bit defensive.  You sure you don't need help looking for your little prince?"

"I'm fine on my own, thanks," I huff, turning around to go look for Shouto elsewhere.

"Maybe I'll come with you," the overly-friendly boy blocks my way again.  "If he's not your boyfriend, maybe we can get together sometime?"

"Not interested.  Out of my way, Pikachu reject."  I try to side-step him, but the leader grabs the back of my collar and whips me around so I'm face to face with his bared teeth.

"You're a bit rude, aren't you?  Should I pull your head out your ass for you?"  His crimson eyes glare his murderous intent into me.

I hold my ground, the anger against my irresponsible friend more powerful than any fear of this hothead possibly hurting me.  "Don't act so tough if your talk is cheap."

He cracks his knuckles without breaking eye contact with me.  "I'll show you cheap talk.  Try waking up next week after I'm done with you!" he snarls.

I mirror his expression.  I don't mind throwing hands at this guy if I have to, blood rushing through me to prepare for the fist fight.  "I dare you-!"

"Enough, (Y/n)."

I can feel his presence right behind me even though he doesn't physically touch me.

Scarlet eyes shift behind me.  "Took you long enough, hot shot.  Your friend has just as much spunk as you, I'll kick both your asses!"

"I'd like to see you try, Bakugou," Shouto responds coldly.  "We both know who'd win."  Keeping his gaze locked on the aggressive male, he harshly grabs my arm and hauls me away.  "Let's go."

I'm fuming with anger when we're back inside the building.  I turn on him when he finally releases me, but he's already starting down the hall.  "Don't walk away from me!  We need to talk!"  I stomp over, following him to an abandoned classroom.  "What the hell is wrong with you?!  First of all, you were a real ass when I talked to you last week.  Second of all, you're not even coming to class like you should.  And now you're already picking fights with that idiot out there?  What's gotten into you Shouto?!"

"You were about to get into a fight as well.  You should thank me," he comments coldly, slipping into a desk with books open on top.

"I could've handled it just fine without you!  The only reason I was even there talking to them was because I was looking for you!"  I hover over him, glaring down so he can tell how angry I am.  "You'e skipped class all week, this isn't like you at all!  How are you supposed to catch-?"

One glance down the the open books shows all the material we've been going over in class.  He's already caught up to today's lesson, writing notes in his book and ignoring my presence.  The entire setup makes me angrier.  "I don't understand you, Shouto.  What kind of act are you trying to pull?  You're not a delinquent, why are you trying to act like one for everyone else?   Or is this all because you're just trying to ignore me?"

His pencil stops moving and it slams down onto the desk.  "A lot happened since you left, (Y/n)," the boy responds.  His quivering voice indicates restriction of intense emotion.

The hurt is apparent across his entire face, calming me down.  My gaze lingers on the left side of his features, over the eye that somehow looks perpetually sad.  "How did you get that scar, Shouto?"

The boy's eyebrows furrow.  "My father never let up on me after you left, and he got worse.  My mother couldn't handle fighting him on her own anymore.  One day, she snapped, told me how unsightly my left side was, and pouring boiling water over my face."  His large hand gingerly covers his reddened skin.  "And my bastard father put her in a mental institution after that.  He did this."

My heart aches for my childhood friend, the boy I took care of and listened to all his problems.  I can't imagine how much pain Rei was going through.  For her to have lost it, she must've held such a heavy burden.  When I had to move away, I felt so guilty about leaving him with all his troubles.  He had no one else to reach out to and it was snatched from him.  There wasn't a day I stopped thinking and worrying over him.  I reach to take his hand and offer comfort.  "Shou-"

Shouto bolts up from his seat, his taller figure hunching over mine, features screwed up in distaste.  "You weren't there when I needed you most."

I'm taken back, hurt more than anything.  "It's not my fault, we were so much younger, I didn't have a choice but to go with my parents."

A dark chuckle erupts from his lips, dismissing my excuses.  "It's fine.  It happened, I've learned to deal with it."

I'm about to blow my top with this kid.  "Yeah, you've dealt really well, haven't you?" I roll my eyes.

"What's that supposed to mean?"

My mouth gapes, letting out a sputtered scoff.  "You're kidding.  Just look at you!  You're pretending to be someone you're not!  You and I both know you were never the bad boy type when we were kids.  You're the slightly awkward, naturally smart, driven, hardworking-"

"I was only those things because my father forced them on me," he passes by me, crossing his arms.  "I don't want to be anything that bastard wants anymore.  And if you can't see that, then we were never friends in the first place."

That's a stab in the chest.  How can he say that we were never friends when we used to do everything together?  A surge of fury rushing through me, I grab his arm to keep him from moving any farther.  "You love watching superhero cartoons, your favorite was All Might.  Sometimes, you're so damn lazy that instead of doing homework when you came home, you would sneak in a nap before your dad came home to see you slacking off.  Your favorite food in the entire world is cold soba.  You don't like extremely sweet desserts.  You've always been insecure about how strange your mismatched hair and eyes look, but I always had to assure you that you're still the most handsome guy in our class."

Shouto halfway turns around to look at me.

"If we weren't friends, why do I know so much about you?"  I take another bold step towards him, softening at the underlying pain etched into his features.  "I know you always hated the way your dad expects so much from you.  The only thing you ever wanted in your childhood was to be normal.  The pressure finally crumbled down on you and your mom, and I'm sorry I wasn't there to help you through it.  But you shouldn't abandon everything that you are.  You took after your mom more than your dad; you're sometimes a sassy son of a bitch, but you're kind and have a deep respect for people you admire.  You have a natural sense of humor that you don't even know you have.  You care about the people you're close to, you only struggle with communicating how you feel sometimes."

His lips part slightly, processing everything I just showered onto him.  Guilt eventually creeps up on him, choosing to rub the back of his neck.  "You...always did know just what to say."

I smirk and engulf him into my long-awaited hug.  "Who else would put you back in your place?"

His arms hesitantly wrap around my body, the act of sharing body warmth strange yet familiar to him.  It's a small victory, but I'm relieved that we're back on speaking terms.  I'm ready to resume protecting him as I should.

Shouto shifts in our embrace.  "You said...I struggle with telling people how I feel...?" he mumbles sheepishly near my ear.

My boy perks with confusion.  "Yeah, even when we first-"

"Would it suffice if..."

Before I can turn to search his face for what he could be implying, his grip around me loosens as he pulls back to look at me, one of his warm hands resting against my cheek.  His face looms right in front of me, my breath catching in surprise, before he presses his lips to mine softly.  The weightlessness in my stomach is unmistakable.

As quick and unexpected as it came, it also left, Shouto's half lidded gaze resting on me from a small distance away.  All I can do is stare off dazed, still trying to process what just happened.

He leans back against the nearest desk in the front row.  "I guess I should've asked first."  I can see his cheeks and his ears turn almost as flushed as the color of his hair despite his hand covering half his face to hide it.  "But it was the only way I can think to get my point across without stumbling over words."

My heart still flutters trying to recover back to normal, my knees shaking as I lean against the teacher's desk for stability.  I resist the urge to touch my lips like a shocked schoolgirl, but I'm still trying to process the whole thing.  "You know," I cough, "We did already kiss when we were like...five, so this wasn't really our first.  But I don't usually count that-"

The intense color fades from his face almost at once, a darkness creeping into his gaze.  "Then," he pins me back into the desk, hands on both sides of the wood to trap me, "I shouldn't have any qualms about doing it again."

Contrasting from his strong setup, his next kiss is still shy and hesitant.  After exchanging a couple more tentative lip-caresses that still make my head spin, he's gotten his feet wet enough to go harder, establishing a rhythm between us.  As his kisses intensify, his hands reach up to cup both sides of my nape, fingers tangling in my hair desperately and tilting my head up for a better angle.  My own hands grasp the collar of his uniform, pulling him closer into the heat of the moment.

His body pushes me practically into sitting on top of the desk, moving one of his knees between my legs as he lets ones of his hands roam down to grip my waist.  The sudden tug elicits a minute gasp, allowing Shouto to nip at my bottom lip before tugging my head back to trail soft kisses down my jaw.  My fingers thread through his soft locks, letting him massage my neck with his mouth.

"W-Where did you learn all this?" I breathe out unsteadily, my breath refusing to return.

He straightens up and captures my lips in another slow kiss.  "You'll never know."  Another one.  "I've admittedly imagined this for a while."  The next kiss is much deeper, a hum vibrating from his chest as his fingers dig into my side again.  "You're special, so dear."  His mumbles between kisses become more incoherent as his kisses become messy.

"Shouto."  I finally manage to push him away for me to breathe and calm my dizzy head.  Both of us are panting.  His half-lidded eyes and flushed face tempt me, but the fear of someone walking by suddenly alerts in my mind.  "Someone might see us.  Besides, isn't there something you need to say?"

His brow lifts.  "I'm...sorry for being rude to you last week."

"That was needed, too," I chuckle, "But there's something else."

Confusion crosses his features.  "Have I done something else wrong?"

My hands slide down to grip his hands.  "Don't you need to ask me to date you officially?"

The tint of rose on his cheeks intensifies a shade.  "I thought it was clear already..."

Another chuckle bubbles from my lips and I lean up to kiss his warm cheek.  "I'll let it pass because I want to date you too."  His face begins to light up in joy, but I push off from the desk and tow him out of the room.  "But you have to start coming to class again."

Shouto catches up to keep pace with me and presses a kiss to my forehead.  "Done."

"And you need to see a therapist, Mr. Bad Boy."

He breaks out into a smile at that nickname.  "I'll think about it."

[highonchocolate]

Take Two: The Guardian in Gotham Chapter 15

First   Previous   Next   Ao3

“Spots off.” She muttered, face mashed into the soft mattress. Maybe if I just stay like this, I'll eventually sink low enough to become one with my bed. She thought, steadfastly ignoring the disapproval she felt radiating from her Kwami. 

Stretching, her fingers fumbled for the switch on the lamp before she flicked it, filling the room with soft light. 

Adrien's words looped through her mind. 

Your leaving made Lila that much more comfortable with hanging off me! 

Your leaving made Lila that much more comfortable with hanging off me!

Your leav一 

Shut! Up! Shut up! It's not true. It's not my fault. It's not. It's not! She screamed, trying to drown out the dark voice in her mind repeating Adrien's words back to her again and again.

“Ugh, Tikki.” She groaned, words muffled by her pillow. “That was a disaster!” 

She rolled into her back and stared at the dark ceiling, brain not comprehending her surroundings. Her mind was whirling with her body white一hot with embarrassment and anger. 

“Ugh! I don't know why一He never hinted一I didn't know that he was feeling this way!” She waved her arms angrily above her face, trying to explain as she stumbled over her words. 

“I don't know, Tikki,” she sighed, running a hand down her face. 

“I guess I never realized exactly how much he's been through.” She looked down guiltily at the quiet, shameful admission. Becoming one with the bed sounds pretty appealing right now.

“I always assumed he was fine, he was always so happy, always joking around, how did I not see it?”

“Marinette, I think the both of you need to talk some things out.” Tikki told her, not bothering to mince their words. “You'd both been dancing around the deeper implications of your reveal ever since it happened last year, and it was bound to blow up in your faces after a while.”

“Honestly,” they confide, “I was expecting it to happen much sooner.”

“Tikki!” Marinette snapped, pushing herself into a sitting position and crossing her legs. 

“Right, sorry.” They sobered up, flying forward to hover in front of her face. She locked eyes with them, her sad blue stare rising to meet that wise, ancient gaze. 

“This lack of communication, and the unspoken words that lie between you will only serve to push you two farther apart. You are two halves of one whole, yin and yang, balance incarnate. As soulmates, it is your duty to support each other. The weaker your bond, the weaker you are inside.” Their eyes burned with intensity, asking her, begging her, to understand.

Marinette dropped her head into her palms, looking through her fingers at the soft red duvet beneath her.  Her eyes burned with unshed tears. A white hot ball of anger tightened on her chest at the words of the Kwami. God, she was just so tired. 

“Tired of what, Marinette?” Tikki asked. She must have spoken out loud, then. 

At the question, she felt the tightly compressed ball of anger squeeze tighter, and tighter, and tighter, until一

She snapped.

“I'm so fucking tired of everything!” She lifted her head to glare at the ceiling, voice breaking as she struggled to reign in her tears. 

“Tired of all the responsibility, the pressure, from everyone! From you! All anyone expects from me is perfection! God forbid I screw up, or I'll have all of you on my case! And let's not forget that I never asked for any of this in the first place!”  She wiped furiously at her damp cheeks, batting away the warm paws reaching out to brush her cheeks.

“Don't touch me!” 

She stood up in anger, face twisted with fury and sadness. “The only reason I'm here is because some old man decided that since I pulled him out of the middle of the road, I had to be a hero!”

She suddenly collapsed onto the floor as though the fight had been drained out of her, pressing her forehead to the smooth wood as her body shook with quiet sobs.

“I can't deal with all this pressure, Tikki,” she whispered, her hushed confession loud in the silent room. “All the一all the expectations...I just can't.” 

“Oh Marinette…” Tikki cuddled close, humming comfortingly. “I'm sorry if I made it seem like a pressure or an expectation. But you do need to talk. And you both need to apologize. You said a lot of hurtful things一”

“Me?!” She interrupted, bolting upright onto her knees to stare incredulously at the Kwami. “Tikki! Why me?! You heard what he said! He said that since I left, Lila decided to feel him up more! How is that my fault?!” 

“一to each other.” They finished, fixing her with an unimpressed look. “Wait to hear what I have to say before you jump to conclusions.”

She sat back on her heels, feeling chastised.

“And that isn't your fault. He was angry, you both were, so you lashed out at each other. Anger can make you especially cruel and vicious. Boo一hoo the poor rich baby didn't get some hugs from Daddy? Marinette, that was too far. Just like how him blaming you for Lila's actions was also uncalled for. He’s been through a lot, as have you. You both need to work this out.”

“I know.” She felt tears prick at her eyes again. Her anger had vanished, leaving a knot of guilt and shame in its wake. It was an ugly feeling, and she hated her situation so much in that moment.  

Oh Adrien, what have we become? 

“I know,” she repeated, glancing over at her friend. “We need to fix this, fix our relationship.” 

Sighing, she flopped back into her bed. “But I hate being the bigger person.” 

Tikki laughed quietly, flying over to her nightstand and coming back with her phone clutched in their paws. Marinette let out a small oof as they dropped it on her stomach. 

“Text him.” They told her sternly, crossing their paws. 

“I'm getting to it!” She retorted, opening up her phone. As she clicked on her messaging app, a notification popped up. 

Adrien 

Message [Now]

She clicked on it with some trepidation, opening up their chat.

Adrien

Hey [Sent 6:56 AM]

Hesitating, she glanced at Tikki, who nodded encouragingly. Her phone pinged again, and she turned her gaze to the screen.

You

Hey [Sent 6:56 AM]

Adrien 

Im sorry for what I said [Sent 6:57 AM]

You

Im sorry for what I said too [Sent 6:57 AM]

She paused, considering the best way to word her thoughts.

You

Tikki thinks we should talk [Sent 6:57 AM]

(Adrien is typing…)

Adrien

Do you? [Sent 6:57 AM]

She inhaled sharply at the question, mulling it over in her head. Did she really want to talk about it?

Nodding to herself, she typed out her reply.

You

Yes [Sent 6:58 AM]

Adrien

Over the phone or in person? [Sent 6:58 AM]

She tapped out a reply, deleted it, and then retyped it.

You

Phone is easiest [Sent 6:58 AM]

Adrien

Okay [Sent 6:58 AM]

When? [Sent 6:58 AM]

You

Not right now [Sent 6:58 AM]

It's pretty early over here [Sent 6:59 AM]

Maybe in a few hours? [Sent 6:59AM]

Adrien

Okay [Sent 7:00 AM]

As if on cue, her alarm started blaring. With a sigh, she turned it off, pushing herself off the bed and making her way into the bathroom on tired limbs to start the day.

一一一

After the portal had closed in a flare of blue, Adrien had swore loudly and kicked the wall in front of him. Cursing at the new pain flaring from his foot, he transformed and returned to the Agreste Mansion, immediately turning and collapsing onto his bed. Staring at the ceiling, he’d let their argument from earlier loop through his head. 

一don't have time to deal with your little temper tantrums!一

一stop acting like you're a saint一

一pull-down chart of my schedule一

一count on one hand一

一get over yourself!一

一you left一

一take all the hits for you!一

一can't deal with this right now一

His ears had felt like they had been stuffed with cotton; he heard nothing but static. He saw his vision blur, felt something warm trail down both cheeks. He vaguely registered that his chest was heaving as he gasped for breath, but it all seemed insignificant compared to what he had done barely thirty minutes ago.

 What have you done What have you done What have you done一

He heard a faint, panicked voice calling his name, sounding as though it came from far, far away. He latched onto the sound, using it to pull himself back to full consciousness.

“一Kid? Kid? Adrien!” Plagg hovered in front of him, whiskers twitching agitatedly. 

“Plagg?” He had rasped, fresh tears rolling down his cheeks.

“Yeah kid, what’s wrong?” 

“I think I messed up, Plagg,” his voice broke on another sob, and he brought his shaking palms to his face to wipe away the tears staining his face.

“Kid…” The Kwami had looked pained, flying over at his admission to rub their head against his in comfort. 

“Adrien…” 

They paused, trying to phrase their words properly.

“What happened back there wasn’t just your fault. Both you and Pigtails were angry at each other, and at what has been happening, and it all erupted. Like Mount Vesuvius, way back when.”

It was a lame joke, and a terrible analogy, but it coaxed a hoarse laugh out of the teenager’s hunched form.

“I just...I feel really bad Plagg, but I also don’t regret telling her some of that stuff.” He confessed, looking down at his lap.

“Okay…” They said slowly, “You said you don’t regret telling Pigtails some things. What do you regret telling her?”

At the question, leaf green eyes had once again filled with sparkling tears, rolling down his cheeks with trails of silver. “I一I said that Lila harassing me was her fault! But it’s not! It’s nobody’s fault but Lila’s! How could I have just said that to her, Plagg?” He asked desperately, looking sadly up at the Kwami.

“Aw, kid, sometimes when you’re mad, you say things you don’t mean just so that you can hurt the other person. You feel ugly and mean, and you take it out on them.” Plagg gazed at him solemnly, trying to convey their thoughts.

“...When did you get so wise, Plagg?” Adrien had asked, a sad smile playing across his face.

“Kid, I was always wise,” they retorted, smirking at him. “My wisdom just chooses to show itself  every century or so.”

‘Well, what does your infinitely wise self think I should do, then?” Adrien asked, falling backwards onto the bed with a sigh.

“Apologize.” Plagg said bluntly, nodding towards his phone where it lay on his desk. “She said a lot of cruel things to you, but sometimes it’s best to forgive.”

“I guess.” He had sighed, sliding off the bed to grab his phone. Unlocking it, he smiled down at his wallpaper, a selfie of the five of them in the park, before opening up his messaging app. He clicked on Marinette’s contact and then froze, fingers stilling over the lit screen. What do I say?

Plagg curled up on his shoulder in silent support, nuzzling him softly. 

You

Hey [Sent 12:56 PM]

He looked over at Plagg, eyes wide. “I just sent it. And it was the stupidest text ever.” 

“Did you apologize?” They asked, looking at his phone screen.

“No!” He had yelled, sounding panicked.

“Quick, say you’re sorry!” The Kwami urged, nudging him insistently.

As he began typing, his phone vibrated with a notification.

Marinette

Hey [Sent 12:56 PM]

“Apologize!’ They hissed as he fumbled for the send button.

“I’m trying to send it!”

“Let me proofread it!”

“Get off, Plagg!”

You

I'm sorry for what I said [Sent 12:57 PM]

Marinette

I'm sorry for what I said too [Sent 12:57 PM]

(Marinette is typing…)

She said she’s sorry too!”

“I’m right here kid, I can see it myself.” The Kwami had responded drily. “Now ask her about that conversation.”

“Calm down, I will!” He said, typing out a question. 

“Oh wait hold on, she already asked.”

Marinette

Tikki thinks we should talk [Sent 12:57 PM]

He read the text, feeling his doubt rising.  He didn’t care if Tikki wanted to talk he did, he wanted to know what she thought! Did she not want to? Is that why she said only Tikki wanted them to talk?!

You

Do you? [Sent 12:57 PM]

(Marinette is typing…)

Marinette

Yes [Sent 12:58 PM]

He exhaled in relief, his shoulders loosening.

You

Okay [Sent 12:58 PM]

When? [Sent 12:58 PM]

Marinette

Not right now [Sent 12:58 PM]

It's pretty early over here [Sent 12:59 PM]

Maybe in a few hours? [Sent 12:59 PM]

You

Okay [Sent 1:00 PM]

Adrien sighed and shut off his phone, glancing at the time as he plugged it into the charger. 12:17 AM. It had been eleven hours since their conversation, and Marinette still hadn’t called. Logically, he knew that there was a time difference, and that it was around six in the evening for Marinette, but that didn’t keep him from getting antsy. With another glance at the clock, he clicked play on the next episode of Avatar, settling in to watch as Zuko and Sokka infiltrated the Boiling Rock.

[theworldsoul]

Do you ever feel like you deserve better? Like you've been cheated of what everyone else seems to have so effortlessly, like you've been cheated of actually being cared for and loved?

You can't yell at me. You literally can't, or I will freak the fuck out. They KNOW this and they still do it, plus they have the audacity to get mad at me for getting mad at them??? Holy shit dude have you learned nothing about me??? what I NEED is gentleness.

I hope one day you feel guilty about this. Cos I held back but now that I'm in my room I'm crying. I THOUGHT maybe you were starting to learn how to deal with me, I THOUGHT maybe things were getting better and maybe you would stop making me feel like a fucking child.

But no.

Everything good in my life just gets fuckinf ruined. I'm so tired of imagining fictional characters comforting me. Im so fucking tired.

I think that... I think that child me deserved better than choking back tears frozen in place, and i think current me deserves better than reliving that shit.

I think that you guys fucked up... a lot.

But also,,, I fucked up. I was born fucked up and you guys act like children... so of course things were gonna turn out shit.

I was so stupid for thinking things could EVER get better between us.

At the end of the day, no matter how nice or mean you were throughout said day, I just know that if I were to tell you hey, I need help, hey, I relapsed, hey, my girlfriend broke up with me.... you would NOT be there to support me. In fact, I'm TOO AFRAID to come to you with anything. Notice how I never tell you how I feel? Notice how you STILL think I've never had an S/O even though I'm fifteen?? Notice how you don't know much about my interests, my hobbies, I wrote entire BOOKS and was afraid to show you.

Jesus. Christ.

And yknow what? I'm gonna try and recover, I'm gonna try and stop self harming, because I DESERVE to finally recover, I deserve to be happy and I deserve to heal and never think about any of it ever again. I'm gonna get better because FUCK YOU and fuck them and fuck everything that's every happened to me because HOLY SHIT, there is not one child in this world who deserves to be born with all the issues I was born with, who deserves to go through life having NOBODY understand, who deserves to be afraid.

Jesus. Fucking. Christ.

I started by throwing away YOUR god. Now? Now I just need to throw away all the memories.

Like wow I'm sorry for being a human being who needs to be treated with some fucking care and consideration for my feelings??? Sorry for having feelings??? Sorry for being fucked up after I was forced into silence my ENTIRE LIFE???

When you first found out I had relapsed I biked away from home and I seriously considered biking out of the city and never coming back. I was having a breakdown, I was crying and I kicked my bike down into the grass and sat in the grass and cried hysterically and tried to convince myself not to leave. Tried to think of reasons to keep living my life with you in it.

Think about that for a moment.

And then in therapy... the therapist assumed it was just something I did as a kid to be "uwuw quirky". That hurt. A lot. But I let her minimize it. I let her tuck it into a little box and ignore it. Because honestly? I didn't want to go through the whole ordeal that happens every single time I mention it.

Fuck, no wonder it's so hard to get clean and STAY clean. And I think about it a lot too.

Just... I'm gonna try my best. I'm gonna really try. Because I deserve it, I think. I deserve something nice.

[creidart]

You've been visited by the random OC question fairy! :D ~☆

Does your OC believe in true love? And if so, have they found it, or do they hope to find it? If not, what do they hope to get from love?

Hii!

Well, I didn't really introduce my characters before, but i think its okay.

Arsen claims to be rational bitch but actually he is kinda idealistic in this. And it's really caused and causes problems in his relationships with people. He couldn't understand that if relationship is ended it doesn't mean that it was awful relationship in general. Also he is (or was, depends on timeline) jealous as fuck and he really freaked out when his boyfriend mentioned his previous partner not in a bad way. It was neutral replica, but Arsen hates all his exes and he thought its only possible way and if someone doesn't hate their exes it means that they still in love and would cheat.

He is not mentally stable as you can guess.

Did he find it?.. Well, not really. He thought he do several times but then he will realise that really stable and good relationships its not something that just will happen. Yes, some people are more easy to build relationship with, but it's not magic. It still takes time and work. Or incredible luck, at least.

(As you can see i don't believe in concept myself but I'm not pessimistic about it)

What do he hopes to get... Nothing unusual. Comfort, validation. Sex. Well, he can get sex without stable relationships, but sksjdjfk.

Also some unrealistic stuff. As I said, he is jealous type. Unhealthy jealous. He will work on it, but it will take some time.

Kim doesn't believe in a concept of one true love™. But he does believe in love itself: you know, he is not nihilist or something. He loved all his previous partners and he didn't regret about relationships that had ended. Mostly. He understands that not all people in your life will stay here forever and nobody is perfect or will stay perfect for you.

Lyr (not the arcana version!) doesn't really bothered. They is not interested in romantic and sexual relationships (he can be in one and enjoy it, but didn't really want it like allo people do). But his entire story they tries to deal with fact that people would leave him someday and he couldn't do anything with it. Not only lovers, but friends, relatives... It hurts them. He is not jealous at all like Arsen, but there is particular reason why all his relationships will end and he can't do anything with it.

(Yeah Lyr is he/they, maybe even she/he/they im not sure)

(There is not much cishets sjsjshd)

Julius is... Well, he believes in true love, but he would be satisfied by something not-so-perfect. He didn't found it. But he had good relationship experiences... And bad ones as well.

its not all my ocs but im tired already hhh

maybe i'll tell more someday

[themis-moved]

im sick of beating around the bush and being vague about how i feel and why im upset. not everyone is going to understand this but im just being utterly honest under the cut. long post, suicide mention.

i dont even know how to describe this. its my own fucking fault for lashing out and hurting the people i held closest to me. i wanted orion to speak to me because i was in pain and i felt alone. i got angry at rim for not saying anything to me. and ray justifiably decided ray didn’t want to deal with it any more. even takek doesn’t want to speak to me and i’m hiding under so many different urls because i don’t want them to search for me and see what i’m saying and how i’m feeling. i did this to myself and i don’t want the two of them to see what i’m going through. i don’t even know how they would feel if they saw it. i don’t feel like they’d have any pity for me because i’ve been so horrible.

but everything feels so. fucking. empty. i spent so much time talking to orion and now that ray’s gone i can feel how hollow my life is and i hate myself for it. it made me so happy to speak to rim all the time and i’m in pain because ray doesn’t want to speak to me any more. i promised both of them that i would seek proper professional help to change. i have an appointment with a therapist on monday that will hopefully meet with me every week but i know those weeks are going to slug by like molasses. i told myself i’d do this for three months, just to start, it’s not going to end when that time is up. that’s just when i want to try to come back. but i don’t even know if they will accept me again after the damage i’ve caused. it’s not like i can expect them to and i can’t hold it against them if they do refuse. but i’m scared. i put so much over the past year into befriending them and caring about them and i destroyed it all single-handedly.

i tried to kill myself. i tried to kill myself when takek told me that orion didn’t want anything to do with my because i genuinely didn’t want to live on without rim. i still don’t want to live and i wish my overdose had succeeded because i’m tired of living in this pain. i had kyle take away my discord account and change the password because i knew if i didn’t, then i’d keep going back over it and hurting myself more and making myself more upset. it’s been a week since i tried to kill myself and everything just seems to keep getting worse. there’s so much that can happen over three months and i’m scared that all of this will turn out to be for nothing. i miss my friends and i hate myself for what i’ve done.

everything in my life feels hollow because nobody can make up the space that orion held for me. i miss rim and i want to speak to rim again. i feel pathetic for wanting rayr company, still, after how i’ve acted and how i’ve treated rim. but ray made me happy and now i’m not happy. i’m upset, and i’m alone, alone in a way that nobody will be able to fix even if they give me company. it feels like my heart is in my throat like it’s suffocating me and i just want this to be over. i want to fast-forward so it’s done, i want to go back and stop myself from acting like that, i don’t want to be me.

if orion or takek or any of their friends ends up reading this... i don’t know. i don’t know why you’re looking at me. i would’ve imagined you to hate my guts. maybe you wish i died as much as i do. i don’t know.

i’m tired. i’m alone. it’s my own fault and nobody else’s. nobody can fix it but me and i don’t know if they even want it fixed. i’m just scared and empty.

if you decided to sit down and read this pathetic spiel: please interact with this post. i at least want to know who bothered to read it.

[vaskebjoern]

okay. okay. maybe I’ll vent here. maybe this is a good place to vent. I don’t know.

i have not. properly tried to express my emotions in a while. i don’t know how to anymore. genuinely. Every time I try I feel like I’m doing it wrong, and i hear the words I’m saying, or the thoughts I’m thinking and none of it is /right/. It doesn’t properly describe it. Or maybe it just feels like nobody ever really listens? Or that they listen, but they don’t understand, and i don’t know how else to describe it? It’s like no words carry any meaning anymore.

Or maybe it’s just that the words of comfort offered to me never do anything to ease my mind? 

I spend so so so much time in my head, and i don’t know how to get out. It feels like there's a poison in there leaking into the rest of my being, and my core, and my life. Keeping me from ACTUALLY being myself. These thoughts of who I am, and what I am, and what i should say, are so completely ingrained into my bones, I feel like I’m always just a puppet trying my best to put on a show, and I always feel like I’m sort of... faking it... 

Nothing about being a person ever feels like it comes naturally to me.

And it’s not even!!! that i don’t see people. or that i don’t have friends. I mean ok ok ok i have no family left in my life. That’s something i should maybe deal with, but how? and why? and uhm, hello, i don’t fucking WANT to? Have i not dealt with it enough? Why do i have to poke at those bruises if i want to feel better? Cant i just let them heal in peace? At least they’re not open and bleeding WOUNDS anymore. Isn’t that enough? I don’t want to think about it, or talk about, or even recognize it as a part of me anymore. I literally just want nothing to fucking do with it. I am so so sick of it, and what it’s done to me, and how unfair it is, and how it will affect my entire life, how it’s made me into this, into what i am now, and how there was nothing i could’ve ever done about that. 

I think i can pinpoint the exact moment it really broke down for me and i started to feel like this. Numb, and apathetic, and like everything is a performance, like im floating underwater and the world is up there above, blurry, and the sounds vague.  I feel like a ghost, i feel hollow, i feel like i have nothing left to fucking give, and it breaks my heart because i want to give the world so so much. And i feel like it’s the only way i’ll ever be loved, is if i give enough of myself away so that somebody notices. Whether what i give is art, or me being funny, or pretty, or smart, or witty, or charming or talented, but i don’t usually feel like i’m any of those. There are moments. But they’re always just moments. And in the end, I don’t have anything to give, that’s not already been given before, by somebody else, by somebody who could do it better. Nothing i do matters. Nothing i think matters, nothing i say matters.

And now that sounds awfully nihilistic, but hey, what if that’s a good thing! Nothing matters! Cool! I can do whatever i want!

But then why am i laying in bed for 6 hours, forcing myself to sleep, because i can’t stand being awake? Is this what i want? Is this all that i can give, since i’m not good enough to give anything else? Since i’m too SCARED to give anything else?

And yeah okay, the exact moment this happened. Right. This is a happy story. CW: Self harm, sexual assault, and suicidal thoughts

 I was living alone in my apartment, and i think i was 19. I was having a bad episode of whatever sort... I don’t know what it was, if it was an anxiety attack, or... Whatever it was, i had them a lot back then. And i’d cut into my arm, and there was blood on the walls, and i was crying and shaking, and i didn’t know who to talk to. I had already used my few friends far too much, and i knew they were tired of me, and my relationships felt fragile and precious, and i didn’t want to be a bother yet again. I had been assigned a mentor then, from the school i’d been going to, ever since they put me on sick leave from my actual education, an education i was only even taking to begin with so that i could have enough money to live, not that i wanted it or needed it. 

And this mentor always told me that i could call him anytime. He knew i was suicidal, and that i hurt myself, and that i was struggling with life, and he promised again and again that he’d be there for me should i ever needed him. So i called him!

And he didn’t pick up. 

And i called him again. And again. And he didn’t pick up.

Eventually i just... I was so tired that i fell asleep in bed, wounds still on my arms, blood still on the walls. So i woke up the next day like nothing happened, and cleaned it all. And he called me and said sorry, and gave some excuse i don’t even remember, and i said it was fine, and hung up. And i never trusted him again.

And that was three years ago... And i think it was just too much for me. It feels like i was in so much pain then, that i couldn’t handle it anymore, and everything in my just SHUT DOWN and i went on full auto-pilot mode. And i was just numb and broken. And then not long after, my neighbor at the time tried to sexually assault me.

I never really dealt with any of it. I’ve just been trying to keep my head above water.

So last year i was kicked out of the house i was living in, and i didn’t have anywhere to go, so i ended up somewhere called the “street team” and they introduced me to the place i’ve been living ever since, a homeless shelter for women. And in so so many ways it’s given me my life back, and i think that’s maybe where all this massive flood of overthinking is even coming from to begin with. Because i’m back on my feet for the most part, and i’ve been allowed to become a person again, and exit panic mode but now i don’t know how to. I don’t remember how to be a person. I still feel like such a hollow shell. 

And i am surrounded by love, but my mind still feels like poison. And i relapse. And i don’t know how to ask for help. And i self destruct, and i don’t know how to ask for help. And what i want the most in the world is love, but i don’t know how to ask for love. I don’t know how to talk to people anymore. I am constantly afraid of being hurt, and then i hurt myself, and i isolate myself, and my head is foggy and cloudy, and i stare at myself in the mirror, and i feel entirely detached. 

And i don’t know what to do anymore. I’m sorry, this is so long. And it makes no sense. But i didn’t know who to talk to. Or how to talk. I’m trying my best, but i feel so lost and scared. Sometimes i’m afraid life wasn’t meant for me. But i sometimes it’s like i catch glimpses of myself, and i have moments where i feel like myself, like truly happy, and there and PRESENT, and with my feet on the ground, and comfort in my mind, and love in my heart, but it’s always so fleeting and i never know how to get it back once it’s gone. I don’t know how to be her all the time, but i really really wish i could. I just wanna be me, and i don’t know why that is so so hard. I’m tired. I’m sorry. I could keep venting about this forever i think, but it’s probably just for the best that i stop this flood here, because i’m going in circles, i’m saying the same things, and none of it matters anyway

[twinklecheeks]

Friends With Benefits (Jeff Wittek Imagine) Part 5

Summary: Jeff and Y/N have been hooking up for a while. The whole vlog squad assumes they’re dating and Y/N does too but Jeff doesn’t like labels. He eventually starts to express interest in Natalie.

Note: Planning on making this a multiple part series, depending on how good it does.  You’re 21 & Latina in this (maybe) series. Also, I’d like to apologize for the typos, if there is any. I’m just illiterate lmao.  

Warnings! pregnancy.

Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4

Word Count: 1.7k

David’s house:

You walk into the house and everyone is already making bets on what are the genders. Zane,  Heath and Todd bet both boys, Matt & Corinna bet a boy and a girl, Mariah/Carly/Erin bet both girls. Y/n: “Hey Natalie, can I talk to you in the car outside?” Natalie: “Sure. How are you feeling? I feel like we haven’t talked in months.” Y/n: “I’m doing great but I have to talk to you about something important.” Natalie: “Like what?” Y/n: “All the girls know who the father of my twins are and I don’t want you to freak out…” Natalie: “Why would I freak out?” Y/n: “Because Jeff is the father...” Natalie: “Wait, Jeff cheated on me?” Y/n: “NO NO NO. We kind of had this friends with benefits for months before you dated. He ended it with me before he asked you out. He was the only person I’ve been with during those months so I know it’s his.” Natalie: “Does he know?” Y/n: “No…” Natalie: “Why doesn’t he know?” Y/n: “Because he didn’t treat right. He was a player and I was under his charm. I was basically wrapped around his finger until I had enough.” Natalie: “I mean… I’m not surprised… Jeff looks like a player.” Y/n: “I just hope I don’t ruin your relationship. I told him during our last fight that I hope he treats you better than he treated me. If he wants to be in their life, that’s fine but if he doesn’t, I’ll ask him to sign his rights away once they’re born.” Natalie: “Thanks for telling me… Are you going to tell him?” Y/n: “Yeah but I wanted to tell you first incase he blows things out of proportion.” Natalie: “Understandable. I’ll go get Jeff.” She gets out of the car and goes into the house to tell him to go talk to you in the car. You see him walk out and you panic a bit. 

Jeff: “ummmm hey?” Y/n: “Hi.” Jeff: “Nat said you needed to tell me something.” Y/n: “Okay but you can’t blame me for not telling you sooner. You have been such an asshole to me.” Jeff: “Telling me what sooner?” Y/n: “These babies are yours…” Jeff looked like he saw a ghost. He went pale like he was gonna pass out. Jeff: “Excuse me??!? How the fuck you know those babies are mine?” Y/n: “Pretty simple. You were the only guy I slept with since New Years until you dumped me for Natalie.” Jeff: “I don’t believe you. I want a paternity test once they’re born. Until then, I don’t want anything to do with you.” Y/n: “what the fuck do you honestly believe I just slept around? Wanna know something dick head?? You were the only person I wanted to sleep with because I was fucking in love with you but you treated me like shit and I let you do it for too fucking long. I was blind with something that was never going to happen. But I finally realized what I deserved.” Jeff: “Oh boo hoo I don’t want to hear you sob story and you better keep your fucking mouth shut about this.” Y/n: “Oh honey, you are way too late for that. The girls and David know and I just can’t wait to tell the rest of the guys.” Y/n runs out of the car so fast and locks Jeff in her car. Jeff: “WHAT THE FUCK YOU CRAZY BITCH.” You quickly run inside and lock David’s front door but Jeff get’s in through the back door. Y/n: “hey to the guys who don’t know who my deadbeat baby daddy is, it’s Jeff. Jeff runs in right as you finished that sentence. He basically doesn’t want anything to do with me or the kids he helped conceive until he knows for sure.” Jeff: “YOU SHIT THIS IS WHY I DIDNT WANT TO FUCKING BE WITH YOU. YOU ALWAYS FUCKING THINK YOU’RE THE RIGHT. YOU DON’T EBER FUCKING LISTEN WHEN SOMEONE TELLS YOU SHIT. YOU ARE EXACTLY LIKE CIERRA TRYING TO ACT LIKE YOU’RE BETTER THAN EVERYONE ELSE. WELL GUESS WHAT SWEETHEART, YOU’RE A NOBODY.. Y/n: “honey the difference between me and Cierra is that she cheated on you and dumped your ass cause she realized how much of a low life you are. You are such a piece of shit. I wish these babies weren’t yours cause I hope they don’t fucking turn out like drug dealers and go to prison. I don’t need you. Sign your rights away once they’re born because I’m fucking done with you saying lies about me.” Y/n turns around to Natalie. Y/n: “Natalie. Good fucking luck.” Jeff was livid. He hated when someone brought up his past mistakes so when you mentioned that you hope the twins don’t turn out like him, it stung. Jeff: “I’ll gladly sign my rights away cause It’d be hell dealing with you and those things for the next 18 years.” Y/n: “don’t fucking call my children that.”

The whole vlog squad were stunned with how Jeff was treating you. Natalie: “Jeff…. WE’RE DONE.” Jeff: “babe plea-“ Natalie: “Save the apologies. It’s too late. You think I’d pick you over her. Girl code bitch.” Todd: “dude, just leave.” Everybody is just so disappointed in Jeff. They thought he was a nice guy but he never showed that side of him. Natalie: “y/n I’m so sorry. If I knew I would’ve never gone out with him.” Y/n: “it’s fine. He seems like Prince Charming at first and then becomes a snake.” Heath: “baby, just know all of us are here for you. It takes a village to raise a baby.” Zane: “she’s gonna need 2 villages.”

1 day later (the night before the gender reveal)

(Y/n is spending the night at Kylie’s house since the reveal party is gonna be at her place)

Y/n: “I told Jeff he’s the father.” Stass: “NO FUCKING WAY.” Kylie: “HOW DID HE REACT.” Y/n: “It was bad… I explained everything and he completely flipped out. So I said if he doesn’t want anythng to do with me or these babies, sign his rights away so I can have full custody.” Stass: “Did you tell Natalie?” Y/n: “Actually, I did. Natalie and I have known each other for longer than we’ve both known Jeff. I knew she wouldn’t get mad at me. And I made sure to tell her that I wasn’t trying to get in between her and Jeff. That ship sailed months ago but she saw all the horrible stuff he was saying and dumped him.” Kylie: “Damn I would’ve loved to be there for that. I Would’ve ripped him a new one.” Stass: “We should get to bed. We have a big day tomorrow! What do you think it’s gonna be? I hear there’s a bet going around.” Y/n: “It’s a tie between twin boys vs twin girls.” Kylie: “Let’s just wait and see what the colors are tomorrow.”

Gender reveal party

Y/n is officially 4 months pregnant and it’s reveal day!

Kylie: “Wake up sleepy head. I know you’re tired with carrying 2 babies but we gotta get you glammed up. Y/n: “Ughhhhh why can’t I just be lazy and stay in bed.” Stass: “Cause you’re finding out what you’re having.” Y/n: “You can just tell me right now :)” Kylie: “ABSOLUTELY not. Kylie’s team then comes in and spends 2 hours doing your hair, make-up and picking out your outfit. You had to choose between a pink and blue maternity dress. You picked the pink dress and have your nails painted matte baby blue (Pictured below how you look)

Once you’re ready, you head downstairs and a bunch of your friends are there. You were glad to see your family, including your dad. He still wasn’t talking to you but he was there. Everybody was having a good time eating, playing the classic shower games like guessing what chocolate is in the “poopy” diaper and other stuff like that. Kylie: “Okay guys! Gather around so we can find out the genders of the twins. Final voting. How many people think they’re boys?” About half think boys, and the other half is equal between boy & girl twin and just girl twins. Kylie: “So y/n is going to be revealing baby A and you guys are going to be revealing baby B.” Kylie gives you the powder cannon. Kylie: “Are you ready?” Y/n: “AHHHH I NO IM NOT BUT I AM.” Everybody: “3! 2! 1!”

Y/n: “IT’S A GIRL!!!! AHHHHH.” Everybody is screaming. Stass: “To the people who bet, y’all better be praying that you’re right.” Kylie and Stass hand powder cannon to everybody at the party and the countdown begins again. 3.. 2… 1!!!

IT’S ANOTHER GIRL!!!!!! At this point, you’re just sobbing. You’re having 2 girls. The only thing you care about in the moment are your baby girls. Zane: “Man we lost the bet. I thought it was gonna be boys.” Mariah, Carly & Erin: “Ayyyye we won!!! Now give us our money.”

A couple of hours later

David: “So I guess you’re not naming one David Jr.” Y/n: “You thought I would?” David: “HEY! You promised for 250k...” Y/n: “I was never going to accept that. A joke is a joke.” David: “How you feeling knowing you’re having 2 girls?” Y/n: “I think it’s pretty ironic. Jeff treats women like shit and look what happened. I’m having girls. But I don’t mind. Baby girl clothes are way cuter than boy clothes.” David: “I just wanted to let you know that I’m in it for the long run.” Y/n: “Huh?” David: “Y/n, I have had a crush on you since before I met Liza. I was crushed when she dumped me and you were always there. You were the only one who was always there for me through thick and thin. I know this is bad timing telling you this but it’s because I was too much of a scared little bitch to tell you. I will be there every single step of the way. I’ll go to your appointments with you if you want me to and be there helping you through labor if you want me to.” Y/n: “I’d love it if you were there for me all the way.”

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Yoooo I AM SO SORRY I SAID I WAS GONNA POST EARLY. I had the chapter mostly done but it felt very boring so I basically rewrote most of the chapter. I might take longer than usual for the next chapter cause I have no Idea what to write next... Also, sorry if this chapter sucked.

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