#they did so well tho especially joel in hide and seek

[joelsmallishbeansenthusiast]

MY STREAMER JUST WON BLOCKWARS I'M SO PROUD

[brown-rice]

Taking a break from the midterm study/note-taking grind

Got a midterm, quiz, matlab, and math assignment due this week, with 2 more back to back midterms next week, so I’m stressing a bit. Spent the last two days just sitting and rewriting notes but I feel like I’m not retaining anything hhhhhh. Looking forward to going home, seeing some good people and my dog this weekend though. I can kinda feel myself getting sick tho, feelin’ pretty week b/c of my period, school, and stomach problems again.

Anyway, tomorrow is the start of week 3. I’ve been going to school for 2ish weeks now and have been living in this condo with my condomates for about 3 weeks now? I’m still in a really bad place emotionally/mentally, but I guess I’ve come to tolerate most of the things going on around here. Still floating around with no hope and dreams of my own, but I’m trying my best, doing the work and going to class, only missing one day because I felt like actual garbage. 

Living in this new place is really weird for me. Not that I’ve changed the way I live, but I’m sharing a room and “home” was the only place that I could be terrible and sleep all day and just kind of be off? But with people, I want to keep up appearances and try a lot to hide when I feel shitty. I can’t really figure out why I do that. I share a room with Ashley and I’ve already seem her cry several times about relationship stuff, and I’ve comforted her. I’ve fussed over Doni feeling sick, and say hi to Asher and Punit when they pass by. I try to stay out of my room and be friendly. And it’s pretty stressful hahahaha. In the beginning there was a much more noticeable rift between Ashley, Doni and I as one side and Asher, Punit, and Punit’s gf who is around pretty often. It’s not that we do anything against each other, it’s just that we don’t really interact beyond those trios, which kinda bummed me out, but I don’t care too much as long as everyone respects boundaries. There was a lot of passive aggressive stuff going on in the beginning, but after the first house meeting, things got better. My biggest peeve is probably that I’m a lot cleaner of a person than I thought? At home I did a lot of the cleaning, sure, but that was only when things were actually dirty. Things just never seem to stay clean here, which does bother me a bit, but we have a cleaning rotation going on now, if the others are going to actually do it. I also just feel really gross here for some reason, like when I shower it still feels like I’m not clean, and Ashley feels the same. We also keep getting bitten by bugs we never seen and have no idea where they’re coming from. I’ve been breaking out a lot more than I did before. Doni really wants me to open up to him and I’m just, super hesitant for no reason really. I’ve been holding back a lot since the summer. A nice thing is that Ashley’s cat loves me a lot, and kinda fills the void for my dog. He always sleeps on my bed lol. We also kinda opened up a Jewish scroll in the house whoops. Ashley’s always playing/talking to her other friends online, so while I want us to be good friends (and we are b/c we get along very well even tho she’s messy sometimes and has an annoying keyboard, we really don’t have any bounds? like we get changed and everything in front of each other lol) there’s also a wall that I feel. Everyone really keeps to themselves, except me and Doni. We’re usually out and about downstairs at the table, him paying League while I take notes. I suppose we’ve gotten closer. Ashley, Doni and I always try to get boba for each other if someone’s out getting some. Doni and I have lot of late night convos and he really wants us to be better friends, and I know that he actually would be there for me, but there’s just something about his advice that I’m so adverse to. That and I’m probably afraid of being let down again.

Regarding school, I had a really bad first day for no real reason. I just felt super horrible and wanted to cry when I got home, which was only made worse the next day when Punit and Ashley threw a party (I got some alc out of it but still). I just felt super alone in everything and really out of place b/c the condo doesn’t feel like home, but my home in Riverside doesn’t feel like home either. I just feel like I’m in limbo and don’t know what to do about it. But I’m really trying. During orientation, Ashley and I met a group of people who were all new students and really chill, we even all swapped numbers and planned to do stuff, but that all fell through so fast. Classes themselves are alright?? There aren’t any assignments to do, but I just feel like I’m behind on everything, even my low div bio class where I’ve already learned everything there. I just feel really uneasy like I can’t do anything or that I’m gonna fail. I fall asleep in class pretty often even though I get a decent amount of sleep. It’s weird. I didn’t expect my biochem class to be that hard, but I’m really stressing since it’s not clear what we’re gonna be tested on. Ochem is a mystery b/c while I know half of the class material, I don’t know where they left off. I kinda wish I had stayed at Mt.Sac to finish up the ochem series, but too late now whoops. Math is questionable but easy at the same time? It’s a weird feeling. So all in all, school is fine academically. I don’t really have any good friends that I can study or hang out with, and I’ve come to enjoy the alone time. At first, it was really lonely. I spent the whole first week trying to get to know people and join clubs b/c I realized that the people I considered important really didn’t think of me that way, at least not to the extent that I felt, and that’s okay. I have to learn to let those people go and that sucks, but I can’t keep being there for people who don’t care about me. I want to make good friends that return my feelings and sentiments, so I need to go out and try. It’s really tiring. I used to be able to call myself someone that makes friends easily, and I do, but I’m stopping myself from taking the extra step, and I can feel myself pulling back and away. I just don’t want to try anymore really, for new and old friends. I really hate losing old friends, especially ones built from long years of friendship, but people grow apart and I’ve done too much fighting for and taking care of people and blaming myself and letting people take advantage of me. It bothers me so so much that my close friends are the ones that know I’ll always be there and take advantage of that fact. Even if I end up with less close friends before and a lot more alone time, I want to and will be okay with it. I’m getting involved in KP and KOTX, but as a transfer student, it’s proving to be really hard to break into circles that have already been established since Year 1 and many other transfer students that I get along with already have old friends who actually care about them, like Ashley. Being away from Riverside has made me realize a lot of harsh things and I so desperately want to get away from everything and either die or start somewhere new. I can’t be there for people anymore if they’re not gonna be there for me, and even if I want to answer those late night texts and calls of crying, I won’t do it anymore. This is it, and if that’s mean then that sucks I guess. Hopefully once I get picked up into my KOTX and KP fams, I’ll have some good friends. Same goes for other upper divs for my major. So far I’ve made chill friends with another transfer student named Luke in my bio class. We remind each other that there are clickers and he plays LoZ in the back of the class while I read manga. I went to the manga club and the quidditch team, but they were both hella cringe. I might go back to the anime/manga club, but who knows. Triton gaming, I might see if there’s a sm4sh event.  

Another thing about friends is that I’ve got back into strong friendships with Roman and Kinuth???? Roman and I used to be really good friends during our time in hs, but kinda grew apart as he found his place and became more social while the Breadsix was growing apart. He and I have math class together and that’s probably the only reason why we hang out, but he’s sort of become my dining dollars sugar daddy LMAO. We study and eat together a lot, and I’ve chilled with his roommates sometimes b/c he lives on campus and I need somewhere to sleep during big gaps. So while It’s really nice hanging with Roman, I feel like after this quarter we’ll go back to not really talking or seeing each other that much outside of maybe KP. Kinuth is probably the most unexpected thing to happen to me so far. He just kinda showed up with Doni one day, and we’ve always had a vitriolic kind of friendship? So now we actually hang out and message every day. I knew he went to school here, but I just wasn’t expecting him to try being friends with me b/c he doesn’t really seek close friends. We’ll see where this goes tho. One of the sadder things is probably Meagan. She only comes to our places b/c Ashley and the cat are here, and I hear even less from her now that we’re in the same city. I dunno, maybe we’ve just grown apart too much. Same goes with how I feel towards Katherine, Joel, and even Rich. Landon a bit too, but less because we actually chat/message and he came the last weekend to visit. Normally Landon and I talk a bunch, but I really kept to myself, tho the quiet was still comfy. Dunno how long that’s gonna last. The stuff in the summer really fucked me up with how I feel towards all of them, and I’m slowly letting go, but it’s not like any of them are going to fight for our friendship. The SC thing’s probably gonna phase out too anyway, not like anyone responds unless I have to call people out. I’m just so tired with people and friendships and I don’t want to try anymore, and as I get comfier and comfier with being alone, I feel like I’m going to fall into that. It’s dumb, and I’m trying not to by going out and being active, but hey. I feel like I’m reaching out and trying to be honest when people say things like “pls trust me I’ll be there for u” and then I feel so let down b/c no one is there for me and it sucks. I posted in the group chat and nothing happened, it was a read message and idk why I keep doing this to myself. I’ve still got a lot of negative feelings about a lot of things with nowhere to put them. Even if I talk to people, I’m racking my brain for a solution that I don’t have and all I really want is a solution.

Everything I do or feel seems like a big fat whatever and I don’t really know what to do about anything anymore. I feel awful all the time, but there’s no time to rest because of classes. Falling into sleeping all day again. And honestly I’m terrified of letting that happen. The only other thing keeping me grounded is reading fics. Week 3/10 so far. I’m gonna try applying to some jobs too. I’m really trying my best here. All I want is to have a stable income and a place of my own. Thinking about getting my own place after this year if I get a job and can afford it. Maybe live with my sister. Maybe leave SoCal and go to Davis for more school stuff. Still a lot of wanting to die feels but hey, that’s why I’m living with people, to stop that from happening. Hopefully things will work out.