#they can’t separate their bias from reality to save their fucking life

[zecretsanta]

[Bonus!] Fic: life preserver

To: @therealhousewivesofhyrule

From: @kiichu

Surprise! A bonus fic from your prompt: Santa falling for Clover during the Nonary Game. It’s not quite a happy fic, but I hope it at least gave you some idea of a bittersweet outcome. ;) Happy Holidays, once again! <3

—

Ao3 Link

Aoi knows from the moment he’s sentenced to Door [4] that he is, in some capacity, going to die. 

Oh, there’s still a chance he’ll walk out of the game alive, of course - provided Snake goes batshit in the incinerator and takes Ace down with him - but Akane still dies. And if Akane dies, Aoi might as well be dead, too. 

So when Junpei asserts himself and chooses Door [5], Aoi feels a pang in his stomach. There’s not much he can do, though, apart from give a scoff or glare that lines up with his ‘punk’ persona. 

Junpei is so goddamn insistent on going through that door, and for what? Is the guy that interested in seeing a dead body or something? If that’s the case, he should just look into Akane’s many envisioned outcomes; would he still be curious to see the dead corpses of everyone in the room sprawled out in a lifeless heap, including Junpei himself? 

Somehow, Aoi doubts it. Knowing the truth about them, about Akane and Zero and the whole Nonary Game, will only destroy Junpei’s future - if he even has one in this timeline. Then again, Junpei’s trauma is Akane’s survival, so Aoi can’t give too much of a shit about it.

As Junpei makes his decision, Akane protests immediately, wanting to go with him. Aoi has to admit, she plays up the theatrics quite well; in another life, his sister might have been a movie star or something. She plays her role as ‘childhood friend returned/girl-next-door who still holds romantic feelings for the protagonist’ quite well… though Aoi isn’t sure how much of that role is fabricated for her. 

Anyway, Akane tries her best to subtly discourage him, but Junpei still insists. Aoi huffs, crossing his arms, and forces himself to go along with it. There’s nothing he can do, and has to accept that this simply isn’t the future he and Akane are chasing. 

But this time, things feel a little different, and Aoi finds himself drawn to details he hasn’t been advised about before. Akane hasn’t mentioned anything like this, so he is almost positive he doesn’t do this in other outcomes.

This time, he notes Clover’s reaction to being separated from Snake, sees the sheer pain and panic settle into her green gaze, and it actually physically affects him. His heart pounds a little faster, palms get a little clammier, eyes a little wider; for some reason, he’s eerily aware of her distress, and it bothers him.

And he actually thinks, consciously, I understand what it’s like to worry about a sibling - I wish she didn’t look like that. 

For someone whose only concern was his sister up until this very point in time, the reality strikes Aoi to his very core; the mere thought that someone else could potentially be more than a disposable pawn in Akane’s plans was startling.

But Clover’s arm goes to wrap around Snake’s, begging him not to leave her alone in this scary situation, and Aoi’s chest twinges. 

—

“Snake’s pretty smart,” he admits to Clover once they’re past Door [4] and he’s searching idly through a puzzle he helped design. “You’ll see him again, no worries.”

Clover sits quietly on the bed in the room, taking a breather; her hands ball into tiny fists in her lap, her shoulders shaking as she tries to collect herself. He watches her teeth sink into her bottom lip to try to force her emotions back. No doubt she’s reliving her past experiences with games like this, her mind racing with potential perpetrators as she tries desperately to determine who would want to kidnap her and her brother again. 

Aoi almost takes a second to sit with her, to once more remind her that Snake will definitely be fine (he can’t tell her, but fuck, he dragged Hongou to Hell in one outcome!), but reminds himself Akane needs to be his top priority. He has to stay diligent, no matter how much his heart may soften at the sight of Clover’s held-back tears, or the way he wants to say something to stop her from trembling so badly. 

He considers, just briefly, giving her the bookmark and seeing if that would change the outcome - but Akane was very strict on when he had to give it to Junpei, and which paths would bring that opportunity. 

Clover’s sniffling breaks his thoughts for the moment. “Shut up, you don’t even know him,” she snaps, shooting him a glare. “But… you’re right, he’ll keep it together. I trust him.”

Giving a lopsided smirk, Aoi nods. “Dude seems like a badass - I wouldn’t want to get on his bad side.” That’s an understatement, trust me.

“You’re not wrong,” Clover replies, surrendering a hint of a smile. Her gaze flickers down to her hands for a moment before looking back up at Aoi. “I’ll do whatever I can to protect him, as well.”

Believe me, I know that, too. Aoi already knows all-too-well what happens when Clover has to avenge her brother. He can’t say so, however, and just responds with a snarky, “I’ll bet.”

She rolls her eyes. “It’s a sibling thing. You know what I mean?”

He can read in between the lines here, can see she’s gently prodding him for personal information. Or maybe he’s being paranoid and she genuinely wants to know more about him - but he can’t take that chance. There’s too much at stake.

“Nope. Only child,” he replies, his voice clipped. 

“Oh.” Her face falls slightly; she draws her legs close to her chest and settles her head on her knees, looking almost disappointed. “Then I guess, in a weird way, you’re sorta lucky then.”

Aoi barks out bitter laughter at that. If only she knew - if only she understood how unlucky he really is, how much shit he’s had to go through just to secure the only other person he has in his life. If only he could tell Clover, could let her bear the weight of his hatred and his sins and his grief –

He stops laughing, and leaves the room without gracing her with a response.

—

It’s unfortunate, Aoi laments as he slings Snake’s unconscious body over his shoulder, that Akane saw it this way. He doesn’t understand why he’s suddenly so considerate of Clover’s feelings in all this, but it really puts a fucking damper on the whole thing. He has to constantly remind himself that this is all for Akane, that Akane is the most important person in his life, and that thinking about anyone else may as well be betrayal. 

Akane’s his little sister, it’s his job to protect her. He can’t afford to… 

Quickly, Aoi banishes the thought and finishes the switch-off with Snake and Nijisaki. It’s strange, but looking at the unconscious man slated to die leaves him no remorse. 

“Your boss’ll be the one killin’ you, dude. Sorry,” Aoi mutters to him, knowing he won’t get a response. It’s true, though - if Hongou didn’t get any stupid ideas like pushing people through doorways with active bombs in their stomachs, then Akane would have never had to add this part to the plan. If the asshole had just confessed from the beginning, no one would’ve had to die.

But it’s too late now. Aoi doesn’t feel regret, but at the same time, he feels no pleasure at this, either - he’s just numb to it all. Nijisaki will die, though, so that Snake doesn’t have to. 

(And that’s better for Clover.)

—

After Snake’s disappearance, Clover’s quiet suffering grinds into Aoi’s heart even further, like the tip of a boot digging into the ground. His breath catches in his throat and for a moment, he can only focus on the tears glistening behind her eyes, and how she seems to refuse to let them fall. 

He only half-listens to Ace’s insistence at ‘sacrificing himself’ - Akane’s told him about it a million times, and it’s honestly so bad, Aoi can practically taste the bullshit in his mouth. Nothing about the man looks or sounds trustworthy, but Aoi can at least recognize his own bias. There’s probably nothing suspicious about him to, say, Junpei - but most of the players should know better.

‘Should’ being the key word, but…

Aoi glances at Clover for a moment, then back to Ace and his theatrics. There’s several timelines where the old bastard kills her, isn’t there? Briefly, he lets his mind wander into the possibility of preventing it…

If he can’t save Akane this timeline, or even himself - can he save Clover?

But why would he even bother? What makes her so special in this timeline? Is there something specific that happens here, in this particular path, that sets her apart from the others? Does he get a better look at her tears, her worries, her grief, and that makes him want to protect her? 

Should he protect her, even if there’s no change of fate for anyone else?

“Clover, uh,” he murmurs, approaching her quietly. She sits in a manner similar to how she had in Door [4] - all silent, hands in her lap, gaze looking dead and unfocused. In some timelines, this anxiety churns into a murderous rage - but hopefully, that won’t end up happening here. “How’re you holdin’ up?”

She glares at him, snapping her head in his direction and hissing, “How do you think?!” 

Aoi knows it’s fear driving her actions and words - he’s so familiar with this brand of worry and pain that he immediately feels sickly comforted by its nostalgia. He stiffens, unsure how to respond (because he sure as fuck knows he wouldn’t want to be messed with in this situation). 

So instead of saying anything, he just gives her a nod and leaves her alone, turning back to the others just in time to see Ace dramatically fall to the floor in his drug-induced act. 

—

Much later on, Junpei chooses Door [2] with Seven and Lotus, and Aoi becomes aware of what fate he’ll have. Granted, his choices from the beginning were fucked, so he should’ve expected this, but the tingling of the knife in his back already begins to spread across his shoulder blades.

(And of course, Ace is none the wiser - probably cooking up his stupid scheme on the spot.)

The plan is for ‘Santa’ and ‘June’ to go with Ace through Door [1], much to their secret dismay. Clover will wait for everyone to come back around to the main area after their respective puzzles. And it sucks, but no one but Ace will survive this part of the game - at least, that’s what’s supposed to happen. 

Akane had gone over what she’d called ‘main’ timelines she’d seen - probably the ones she knew had the most chances of happening. This part’s recurring, according to her: Ace grabs Aoi when his back is turned, ruthlessly stabs him, then grabs Clover. Then Akane runs, Ace corners and kills her in another room, and the asshole returns to the staircase with Aoi and Clover’s bodies and plays dead. It’s disgusting, it’s deceiving, it’s evil - but Aoi doesn’t think he can fight it. 

There’s no happy ending this time.

“This way,” Ace directs kindly, as if he’s not about to slaughter them all. Akane exchanges a brief glance with Aoi and gives a small, almost imperceptible nod. It’s going to happen just as she foresaw, then.

Well, Aoi isn’t going to make it easy for him.

“Comin’ grandpa, sheesh. Who put you in charge?” he scoffs, shoving his hands into his pockets. “Tryin’ to sacrifice yourself earlier gets some brownie points, but it still doesn’t make you our leader or anythin’.” 

Ace’s eyes narrow, and Aoi can tell he wants to break character so very badly. Go on, dickhead, Aoi thinks, Show your true colors.

“I think it was very brave, albeit a bit reckless,” Akane chimes in, breaking the tension in the air a little. “I’m glad you’re alright, though, Ace. Don’t you agree, Clover?” She turns her head to the quiet girl.

Clover doesn’t respond, and continues to tremble as they grow closer to the staircase that will be their grave. Aoi reminds himself that she still doesn’t know whether Snake is alive or dead - and she’ll die never knowing. It feels like a pinch in his heart, a dull jabbing every time he looks and notes how sad she is. 

And it’s his fault she’s this way.

He wishes he could come clean right here, warn her about Ace’s attack, but finds himself bound by the promise he made Akane. He’d sworn never to break character and tell the truth until the very end - and only on the ‘right’ path. But this sucks, it sucks so much that he can’t do anything to save her, or Akane and himself for that matter, that it physically pains him.

“Santa.” Clover’s whisper breaks him of any thoughts. 

He shifts his gaze to her as they walk, silently prompting her to continue - and she does.

“I’m scared for my brother. I want to see him again.” The agony in her voice is so raw, it tears him up that she won’t get her wish. “I know you said you were an only child, but… I feel like you understand, somehow. Or that you care. So… I just wanted to say thank you.” Through her pained expression, she curls her lips into a shaky smile, meeting his eyes.

And goddammit, something once more stabs into Aoi’s heart - figuratively, for now. 

“No biggie,” he replies, probably a bit softer than appropriate for his role. Oh well - they’re both about to die, what the fuck does it matter? 

The two of them start to speed up a little, creating a pretty convenient setup: Akane and Ace walk behind, Aoi and Clover ahead; besides being able to privately talk with Clover, Aoi has a step ahead of his sister and her would-be murderer. He has to glance back to see what the old man is doing, but also recognizes nothing will probably happen until they reach the staircase. 

He also trusts his sister with everything he has - including his life - and if there’s nothing else true about Akane, it’s that she’s strong enough to take care of herself.

So Aoi takes the opportunity to enjoy this last walk with Clover, his eyes settling on her pretty face. A touch of heat hits his cheeks and he reminds himself of the kind of character he’s playing - it won’t be very tough or punk if he starts blushing, will it? 

But his main focus is to keep the girl calm, so he continues their talk quietly. “If it means anything, I was serious about what I said before,” he says. “Snake seems tough enough. He won’t die that easily.”

He doesn’t miss the way Clover flinches at the word ‘die’ - and it definitely feels like a punch in the gut to him - but she does find the courage to nod and stammer out, “Y-you’re right. H-he’s fine, I’m sure of it.”

“There you go.” Aoi gives a smirk and dares to nudge her shoulder. “Now stop worrying ‘bout it. As soon as we’re out of this next door, we’ll all regroup to look for him again.” 

Clover gives him a playful shove back. “Okay, sounds good. You promise?”

Before he realizes it, Aoi gets too caught up in his role, in keeping the pink-haired girl calm and positive - enough so that he completely forgets their fate. He opens his mouth to actually promise Clover they’ll all look for Snake - but something stops the words from leaving.

They’ve reached the staircase - Aoi didn’t even realize he’d taken the first step already with Clover. Behind them, Ace and Akane have come to a halt, and the room settles into deathly still silence.

Aoi bites his lip and, understanding what’s about to happen, lets his instincts kick in.

Whatever the Aois of other timelines do, he dares to follow his own heart in this very moment. Whatever role he plays elsewhere, steps he isn’t taking, outcome he’s creating – none of that fucking matters right now. 

He looks to the girl beside him - as well as the one behind him - and realizes he doesn’t want anyone to die here.

“June, RUN!” He yells, turning around just in time to see Ace bring out the knife. Aoi’s leg kicks back into the old man’s shin as hard as he can, almost losing his balance on the staircase in the process. 

A lot of things happen at the same time: Clover cries out in surprise, Ace yelps (yelps!) in pain, the knife clatters to the floor, and Akane bolts back the way they came. Aoi has to fight the urge to run after her, remembering that this isn’t the right timeline - that Akane will die regardless, and she knows that. He can’t pretend to understand his sister at this very moment, but he hopes she isn’t too upset at him for trying to fight fate itself, hopes she understands why he’s so compelled to do this. 

It isn’t fair for them to cause Clover so much pain, is it?

Ace staggers back, trying to regain his own balance, and Aoi wastes no time: he clutches Clover’s hand and attempts to run the only way they can: up the staircase. The girl has some crazy stupid heels on, so she almost trips a few times. But together, they manage to get a few rows up ahead of Ace. 

“Santa – Santa, what are you doing!?” Clover shrieks, glancing back and trying to process what’s happening. 

There’s no time to explain, and it isn’t like he can explain everything, anyway - so Aoi opts to just shout, “He’s gonna kill us unless we fucking run!” 

“K-Kill!?” Clover exclaims, once again looking back. “Crap! He’s coming!” 

Aoi glances over his shoulder, seeing the murderous glint in Hongou’s eyes. Damn it, that kick only seemed to piss him off further - is he going to stab them twice as hard now? In trying to prevent the bad outcome, did Aoi actually make it worse?

It wouldn’t be the first time something like that’s happened, at least.

“Come on, you old fucker,” Aoi goads, trying to calm his racing heart. There’s not much at stake for himself here, but…

But he’s decided: he wants to save Clover, this time.

“I’m a bit surprised you predicted my move, Santa,” Ace rumbles, his voice as dangerous as ever. “It’s a pity you won’t be lasting for much longer.”

Yeah? We’ll see about that. Aoi keeps running up the stairs with Clover at his side, practically dragging her. Both of them are panting heavily, clearly not used to this much adrenaline use at once, but Ace takes his time walking up behind them. 

It’s as though he isn’t even worried about catching up to them - shit, he’s waiting for their energy to be spent, isn’t he? Like a wolf hunting rabbits, he’s waiting for them to be cornered or stop from exhaustion, and then he’ll strike.

Fuck, why did Aoi think this was possible?

It feels like there’s a million stairs as they travel upwards, panting and gasping for air once they finally reach the top - and a familiar dark laugh echoes very close behind. 

“Stupid children. There’s nowhere you can possibly run that I won’t be able to find you.” His low growl is intimidating, sends Aoi’s mind momentarily back in time - back to that same voice giving instructions over a loudspeaker in a deathtrap. Back to this same psychopath taunting a child behind the glass door of an incinerator, to the feeling of helplessness as Aoi gathers up his little sister’s ashes. 

Without thinking too much about it, Aoi grabs Clover’s shoulders and shuffles her ahead of him. “You have to go,” he murmurs quickly to her, “he’s lying - there’s a way out, and you’ll find it.”

The girl stumbles forward, turning around to protest, but her face goes pale before she can. A large shadow looms over Aoi, and it becomes very clear that it’s all over for him. Hongou must’ve gained some speed at the last moment, or was just very calculated with his movements, for he’s suddenly deathly close before Aoi can even think of a proper reaction. 

A large hand knots around Aoi’s scarf, yanking him backwards. As he’s spun around, the sharp end of a knife meets his abdomen, sliding in smoothly. Pain erupts in his stomach, his limbs trembling and twitching uncontrollably – but Aoi dares to meet his attacker’s eyes. Hongou’s brown pupils are thinned in his crazed state, his lips stretched open to a wide smile with bared teeth. A dark chuckle rumbles in his throat as he twists the blade, and Aoi’s world briefly explodes into white. 

Aoi tries to speak, but liquid fills his mouth and he’s choking, suddenly all he can think is that he needs air but there’s no air, there’s only his own blood. Then, the very next moment, it spews out through his mouth down his chin, onto Hongou’s coat (good), and unfortunately onto those awesome shoes Aoi does genuinely love.

He looks for Clover, hopes she managed to scramble up the rest of the stairs and is running for her life - but she stands nearby in shock, a hand outstretched in his direction. Why doesn’t she understand - he’s as good as dead anyway (and has been since Door [5]), but she still has a chance.

So why isn’t she taking it?!

“Gg… g—o,” he gurgles, trying to get the sounds past the bubbling copper taste in his throat. “Snn- sn-… ake…. off..offin.” 

Please, Clover. Please understand what I’m fucking saying! He begs her mentally, his eyes growing dull as his vision starts to fade at the edges. But he does catch her lips mouthing the word ‘coffin?’ and he gives a trembling nod in affirmation. 

Yes! Find the coffin. Snake’s in there. Please - find him, and survive.

The next moment, he hears the clicking of her heels as she runs away, her quiet cries fading off into the distance. He gives a brief smile, pleased that he was able to give her an ounce of hope in this nightmare he helped set up.

Aoi can’t have his sibling after all this is over, but at least Clover can.

But a cold realization hits Aoi once the knife’s finally wrenched out of him: She’ll know. Red soaks through the white of his shirt, pooling freely onto the floor below him; the pain is unbearable, unspeakable, unstoppable - but he can’t help but focus on that one blinding thought echoing through his mind. 

Clover will know the truth when she gets to the coffin.

Once she reaches that coffin and finds her brother alive, she’ll connect the dots. She’ll realize that Aoi knew where Snake was because he was the one who put him there. It’ll all come so clearly to her, and Aoi can only hope that his gesture of letting her know holds some amount of an apology, somewhere. 

He isn’t sure if he’s truly sorry for doing what Akane said had to happen, but he is sorry for getting people like Clover wrapped up in all of it. 

All sounds drown out and the world grows darker and darker, his limbs feeling heavy and numb. Before he can register what’s happening, his knees have hit the ground, and his torso soon after. Staring at Ace’s boots, Aoi gathers up the last of his strength to spit forward a wad of blood, smirking in triumph as he hits his mark. 

Hongou hisses something angrily, but Aoi can’t even be bothered to process the words in his brain. It isn’t worth it - whatever this monster has to say to him, it can wait until they’re both in Hell. 

As one of his last breaths leave him, Aoi at least has the clarity to wish Clover’s far enough away now, that she’s going to be safe and make it out okay.

It’s stupid to think, but maybe this timeline, this path, this outcome… maybe he actually managed to do something right. He’ll never know for certain, but perhaps he was finally able to keep a pair of siblings together?

And although it’s one of the four things he hates more than anything in this world, he finds himself attached to that hope for Clover’s safety - like he’s actually aboard a sinking ship, and someone’s finally tossed him a life preserver. Sure, the preserver’s crumbling and slippery - maybe it’s been used too many times, or taken advantage of by others - but he holds on with all he has, and will continue to desperately cling to it, even as he drowns.

[aclassiguy]

nobody’s gonna read this but i’m gonna rant a little as an ex-fundie kid with a perspective on unconscious bias re: thedas’ religions. (i’ll grant you i do not have encyclopedic knowledge of dragon age, so i’m commenting based off what 90% of people know - the games)

If we’re assuming that every interaction concerning the religions in Thedas is intentional, it’s genius. It represents real world religious dynamics so well. But that’s also assuming we’re going to be allowed to confront those religions; otherwise, it’s just a carbon copy with no purpose but to reflect reality. You’re duplicating problems, without offering avenues for solutions or even criticism.

I want to leave this uncut in case a piece of it actually caught someone’s eye for some reason, but I’d feel bad if I did that.

I’m actively agnostic. I have no problem with other people being religious. I react quite negatively to both active and passive attempts at conversion. I know a LOT about Christianity. I know some, though not as much, about other world religions.

We can pretend all we like that Thedas is a world completely separated from reality. “Lighten up, it’s just a game.” I can, however, point to direct parallels between game concepts and real world concepts that I find quite troubling (Blackwall’s plot, certain wartable missions, Descent DLC), I can expound on those at length as well. And of course it’s just a game, and you can stab people with no consequences and all that - that’s fine. Stabbing people in a game isn’t likely to make you think it’s OK to stab people IRL. But a game has the power to subtly reinforce existing biases which can cause real harm.

Christianity is a dominant world religion. In fundamentalist circles, one of the tenets is to spread it to as many people as possible, to save them from themselves. Even casual Christians adopt this attitude when they tell you how sad they are that you’re not Christian, because they think you’ll be happier as one and can’t fathom how you’d be happy without god. I can get REAL deep into Christian psychology, but I’ll spare you. The thing is, this is an insidious train of thought that has been beaten into the world by its victors. Monotheistic religions are treated more seriously than pantheons. The Bible is held as separate and more holy than “myths,” which are treated as little better than Harry Potter novels. Religions that encourage non-Western behaviors are treated as scary, deviant, and oppressive - to be obliterated before they dare to try converting precious Christians - DESPITE Christians actively trying to lure those believers away from their “scary” faith and into Christianity. They think their own religion is more normal, or their own culture is more normal. All of this leads to many, many Christians (as well as your average Westerner) holding really racist, xenophobic views they don’t perceive as racist or xenophobic.

SO LIKE - I’ll just make a bulletpoint list:

Andrastianism = Christianity (esp. Western brand)

Evanuris = Pantheistic religions

Qun = Eastern philosophies

The familiarity and diversity is fine. There’s pros and cons to each religion, just like real life. Thedas is fun because it takes aspects of discrimination like racism and sexuality and pretzels it to be same-but-different. No matter your background, you have the chance to get really involved in the ethical dilemmas provided, the visceral experience of being insulted and responding to insults with pride, and it’s fun to read something new and feel some kind of vindication if you had a suspicion before.

What irritates me currently about the religions is that every time I get a little taste of “Okay, finally, we’re acknowledging the damage a religion like this can do,” I get kicked right the fuck back. I spent so long hating the Chantry more and more because it started to become clear to me the intentional abuse being directed at literally anyone who wasn’t a non-mage human, and even then they abused their own followers to exert further control over mages for personal gain. (Seriously, FUCK the Chantry.) FINALLY, Exalted Plains acknowledged that the Chantry steamrolled over the elves in a brutal slaughter, where Sister Whatserface tried to blame the elves for being “too far from the Maker” but she was a good person for “showing them more mercy than they deserved.” Clear signals that Bioware intended it to be taken as it was - an unjust crusade. Then what do they throw in my face? Some documents intending to show that the elves were “also at fault.” Excuse me? I’m sorry, excuse me?!

Elves had already been the subject of extensive oppression at that point, and given the racist goddamn teachings of Sister Whatserface and ALL THE DIVINES, I can hardly blame the elves for being just a little testy with the humans sticking their noses into their lands trying to force them to convert to Andrastianism. “Equally to blame” my ass. This is a pebble against a boulder. And yet I’m supposed to treat it like some kind of shocking revelation. Ooo - should I turn these documents in to the Chantry to exploit the elves some more, or should I give them to the Dalish, who then react with shame? There’s no just option: have the Dalish explain why maybe elves would be just a little angry, and have my Inquisitor go “oh yeah, that makes sense. kbye”

Finishing up with the Dalish, we get told by some pride demon ass lying fucker that all the Dalish gods that these poor widdle uneducated primitive elves worship were essentially slavers. Hahah. WHAT. Sorry. WHAT. You’re going to make me play through a game with my character’s religion shat on or flat out ignored at literally every turn, and my vindication is to be told it’s all fake and my ancestors were idiots for ever believing? Canonically? Really? When do we get told that we checked the Fade and the Maker wasn’t there and don’t these humans look pretty dumb now?! Or is that too risque because Andrastianism is a little too close to Christianity?

Then there’s the reaction to the Qun. I have loved Qunari since Sten. I honestly think it’s a really cool concept and I would love to explore it more deeply. I also LOVE Sten. Sten seemed so calm and generally fairly accepting, although he had his own flaws. He also had hidden depths - push aside the fronting and you get his cookies and chocolate loving sweetness. (If people hate him, again, come see me after class so we can have a chat on why you stan Blackwall but not Sten?)

But it seems like the Qun is falling victim to the world needing a reliable villain. What was once a mysterious system of beliefs existing outside the concept of the Maker or Dalish gods is increasingly this Scary religion that oppresses women and mages in barbaric ways, and is treated as horrible for trying to spread their religion to other lands (allow me to remind you of Exalted Plains and why every person in the game seems to be Andrastian by default, or at least Andrastian-sympathetic). It’s essentially playing up the fears that makes people uncomfortable with Eastern religions, relying on xenophobia to make them hateable enough that you don’t accidentally end up with too many Qun sympathizers in the playerbase. Even though you can play as a Qunari in Inquisition (hell yeah), you aren’t allowed any kind of Qun background. It’s understandable in some ways, plot-wise, but baffling in others. How much cooler would it be to have access to Qun beliefs like the Dalish has access to the Evanuris?

And now they have the Qunari poised to be the result of doing horrible dragon-blood experiments on elves by MORE slavers, and their religion’s entire purpose is to limit their horrible dragony desires to murder people, but now they want to subjugate others to live under their rule of law to make a horrifying monotone culture. Aren’t these scary-looking Qunari even more scary? There’s a reason to hate them now, they’re canonically more violent, just like the dragons! (Do not get me started on how dragons are treated. Actually, do, I have a lot of thoughts on that too. lmao) REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

Then you have the Tal-Vashoth, not only defectors who found fault with the philosophy who are then hunted relentlessly by the believers, but also twisting back on themselves to be crazy violent, therefore simultaneously a condemnation of the Qun and an affirmation of its necessity to keep Qunari from being violent. Where are the defectors from Andrastianism? Literally every ex-fundie Christian kid I know has had a sex and/or drug-fueled meltdown period after having their core beliefs and foundation obliterated. Why do we have all these pure innocent Chantry Virgins, but no defectors? The only atheist you get to meet is your own Inquisitor, and you have a HELL of a time through the whole game as a result of it. (Though I will say the payoff at the very end of the game is so very worth it.) Almost ALL of your companions nag you about why you don’t believe you’re Chosen. I have yet to play as a believer, but I haven’t seen any indications I would be criticized for it.

And so what of Andrastianism? Is it fakery? Lies? Canonically brought into existence to oppress people? The product of slavers?

NOT YET.

Any criticism brought against Andrastianism is neatly and shortly thereafter countered, not by an untrustworthy member of the Chantry but by some word-of-god canon itself. The Maker stands, silent, valid, unchallenged.

There’s nothing wrong with presenting these complex scenarios, but if you don’t have the time, resources, or courage to REALLY plumb these depths, give everyone fair criticism (and it is not fair to ding the predominant world religion with the same criticisms as you level against a dying minority religion), don’t bother. You make the real world problems worse.

[soul-music-is-life]

I've seen some of your post on the bullshit heartbeat bill in your state and I'm just wondering how you're dealing.

I have stared at this ask for a while, wondering whether or not I wanted to get in depth into this conversation. But I do have a lot to say on the matter. A while back I drafted a blog post that I toyed with sharing, but ultimately held off. Until now.

There’s…a lot to be covered.

First, thank you for sparking me to put this out there. I feel as though it’s important enough to say what I have to say on this. And though this platform is usually used for fandom stuff (I use other platforms for my political stuff), I’m not afraid to get real now and again.

Second, let me state that I have a background in medicine and a family heavily involved and working in politics…so I know how this goes.

I’m going to pre-empt this by saying that I am not going to argue with anyone who is pro-life who reads and disagrees. If you agree, great. If you disagree, there is no point in trying to fight me…because we will never see eye to eye.

This is strictly an argument based on why I’m against politics and religion in medicine. I am not looking for a debate here. There is no debate to be had. If you can’t look at things without religion, or if you can’t understand scientific/medical facts it’s a moot point.

It’s a long one. Saddle up.

Religion vs. Medicine:

Christianity should have no place in medicine (the bible condemns polyester blends, playing with pigskin, gambling, and divorce, but Christians still shop til they drop, support football, play the lottery, and divorce their spouses). Yet we get lawmakers constantly using the bible as a talking point (”Thank God” and “As God intended”) for this argument and ignoring testimony from physicians with degrees in science.

Men (with the exception of those whose sperm fertilized an egg in a consensual act) should have no say in what happens inside of a uterus that does not belong to them (and even then, it should be a discussion between those two people and their doctor, not a government made up of religious zealot white women and white-boys without uteri).

The government should not infringe upon individual rights of medical privacy via HIPAA.

Basically:

If you can not argue without the basis of religion (or you keep using “God” or The Bible as your baseline) or if you are not someone who has a uterus or in the medical profession or a woke dude/lady, you have no fucking say.

If you are a Christian forcing your beliefs upon the population based upon a magical book that has absolutely no proof, you have no fucking say. (see Separation of Church and State).

If you are a politician forcing your agenda upon every person with a uterus based upon something you can absolutely never experience, you have no fucking say.

If you do not have a background in science and you’re basing your opinions upon a movie (”Unplanned”) that is nothing more than political propaganda (and a pro-life “advocate” who saw dollar signs and a means to fame) then you have no fucking say (and yes, I’ve seen the film, which was nothing more than a religious backed, over-dramatized flick poorly representing abortions and relied heavily upon cheap emotional manipulation and inaccurate CGI). As someone who has seen medical procedures…it was exaggerated in the film. It is absolutely not a representation of safe and legal abortions. It also does not address the confidentiality between patient/doctor (See HIPAA and the testimony of physicians in this matter).

The fact of the matter is that people who are informed, intelligent, and know about the subject in depth are against these abortion bans, because they know it’s extreme and infringes upon basic rights. This includes women, our allies, and in some cases…people who are religiouswho stand with the pro-choice movement (I see you all, too, don’t doubt that…this is not a reflection upon men and Christians in general. This is about the extremists).

If you fall into the extreme religious or non-medical community category or you are a politician with no medical training and you’re writing bills and arguing against basic human rights…you can shut the fuck up.

***

For the sake of facts, let’s break it down:

-Sexual education can be informative, and the preventatives used to prevent pregnancy can fail. Condoms break. The pill can fail (and let’s not even get into the horrible side effects that contraceptives have on women. Let’s talk about the fact that there was actually a birth control for men that companies tried to put on the market, but the side effects were too ‘dangerous’. Sure, like high blood pressure and hormonal imbalances are something women look forward to). But yeah, let’s put all the responsibility on the woman.

-Women are raped, and given the trauma that occurs…they should not have to PROVE they were raped in order to receive medical treatment��including abortion. It’s horrific enough as it is, and there is NO wrong way to deal with the trauma. They shouldn’t have an additional stigma to be treated medically.

-Women who tend to make the choice to have an abortion have looked at their options and have made an informed CHOICE (that’s what this is about). And it’s not always at the 6-8 week mark, because hey…there are things such as irregular periods. Cis-men hating on women, let’s talk about women’s reproduction for a minute. Have you ever spent 7 days bleeding out of an orifice of your body? Have you ever shed the lining of an internal organ? Have you ever had blood clots inside of your body that feel like fucking death? Have you ever had your panties soaked in blood? Have you ever gotten stressed and missed a period or had medical issues that caused you to have irregular cycles? No? Okay, so how about the stressors of pregnancy? How about the changes a woman’s body goes through? How about the emotional and physical toll it takes? Truth is, hetero-normal men who are so deep-set in their beliefs will NEVER view women as equal. Reality is…we women areintelligent enough to make our own decisions.

-An embryo at 6-8 weeks is not viable. The so called “heartbeat” is an electrical activity in a group of cells that is at maximum a few inches long. There is no heartbeat, because there IS no heart. It hasn’t formed. There is not a cardiovascular system. It’s a vibration in a cell. It is ONLY active because of the woman. At this point it is NOT a child. I see pro-life/pro-birth people going, “but…but SCIENCE…Life at conception!” without understanding the depth of their actual words. The medical community knows their shit. And people can challenge them all they want with their opinions upon when life is sentient, but the truth is that there is no brain activity this early because IT IS NOT A HUMAN. It is an embryo, which can not exist without the mother’s body. Yet politicians use the term “heartbeat” because they know there are uneducated people out there who will eat it up and back them.

-Abortion is situational, and trying to force a law upon women based upon the preconceived notion that ALL women are using it as a form of birth control is ignorant, ill-informed, and extremely sanctimonious. There are numerous reasons for abortion, and none of them are the government’s fucking business.

Why religion and politics is a slippery slope in medicine:

Using a religious bias in a political war is against everything in the judiciary and legislative branch, and it is a slippery slope that is dangerous to patient care. When we start listening to “Gods” and evangelical people over actual physicians there is a huge problem. Ask yourself this question: if you were dying and a surgery could save your life…would you call a priest to perform the procedure? Or a licensed physician? If you choose a priest, enjoy seeing your version of the afterlife, because you’re going to die.

Abby Johnson (”Unplanned) is not a doctor. She is someone who “found God” and is using that to exploit the situation with her own views as a claim to fame. She ran a Planned Parenthood (in her own words). ONE chapter, which means it’s a FRACTION of the actual unit. She does not have a PHD. Her accusations against physicians are bullshit and is frankly an insult to actual doctors who perform safe medical procedures every day.

Politicians have no knowledge of medical protocols and treatments (and in a lot of cases know an embarrassingly low amount about women’s reproductive organs). And in many cases it is old white men (and religious white women) dictating what a woman can do with her body. If you think that’s okay, you’re part of the problem.

Religious zealots hold fast to beliefs written in a fairytale rather than learn the scientific facts associated with the base of their argument. They can’t grasp the concept that an organism can be created in a petrie dish with a “beating heart”, because of muscle contractions, not because it’s “alive” or “sentient”. They would rather blindly follow a God that may or may not exist rather than listen to educated physicians who know the topic.

Rapid fire question: if an unconscious woman and a frozen embryo were in a burning building and you could only save one of them, which one would you choose? Something that is not aware and is only a potential for life? Or the actual living breathing human?

This shit is not about “saving babies”. Politicians couldn’t give a shit about babies after they are born. It’s about controlling women/trans-folk and telling people what they can do with their body (it’s funny how Republican politicans haven’t outlawed smoking or drinking, because hey…that kills you! “AnD wE aRE PRo-LiFE!”).

Anyone who can’t see that all these abortion laws are just plays for politicians to pursue their own political pursuits is an idiot.

A Note about Georgia’s Abortion Law/Kemp

In my state, there was talks that Kemp was overheard saying that even if he wanted to veto the bill he couldn’t due to “his campaign promises”. Which is absolute bullshit, because given the polls…he knew that a majority of the people in his state are against it. This bill was co-sponsored by three men and three women who are basing it heavily upon religious purposes (if you don’t believe me, look up Ed Setzler, he’s been quoted several times leaning on religious propaganda for this bill). It was then voted through by a bunch of old white men.

Convenient how they threw the one token woman up front (but honestly, fuck her…because she should know better). The fact of the matter is that those who voted on this are a bunch of “good ole boys” with religious principles trying to bypass the fact that there is a separation of church and state. This bill has had numerous polls conducted to the constituents, and while they were divided…the PRO-CHOICE voice won every single poll. Put this up for a vote and I guarantee this would not become a law.

Kemp waited weeks to sign this (unlike the governor of Alabama).

Why?

Because he knew that most of his constituents were against this (given the polls that were conducted), but due to political pressure he couldn’t veto for fear that he’d lose the religious/deeply rooted republican votes. Even Kemp seemed to realize that this is against the moral rights of his citizens. But he doesn’t give a shit. Because as long as his pockets are lined with money and he can ignore his constituents, it’s all gravy for him.

To take this a step further, this asshole is the man who pointed a gun at a kid jokingly in an age where school shootings are rampant, as a joke…for political purposes. Cuz, ya know…violence is funny.

He’s “pro-life” but he shoots things.

This man is sponsored by the National Hunting and Fishing association, who supports killing living breathing things with a heartbeat for sport or “because it tastes good”.

I challenge anyone who is so “pro-heartbeat” to never shoot their guns again to kill something. Because hey, life is so precious to you, right? You value heartbeats so effing much, stop killing living breathing things. Nut up or shut up.

Actually, no, don’t nut up. That’s the reason for unplanned pregnancies in the first place. Just shut up.

…that will never happen. And you want to know why?

Because this is not about life. They don’t give a shit about “life”. This is about power. This is about control.

If you can’t see that an entire gender is being used for political gain then you need to wake the fuck up.

I’ll end this by saying that, yes, there might be some common ground that can be found here. In the people out there fighting every day for their rights. In the allies we have coming out of the woodworks. In the physicians who fought like hell for us in court.

I’m not an unreasonable person. I do believe in sensible laws. These bans are not sensible. They’re a power play. And that’s fucked up. And as much as I’d love to pack up and leave, I don’t have that option. A lot of people don’t (and in fact, I think the “Boycott GA” movement is so fucking stupid, because that doesn’t hurt the people in power. It hurts the PEOPLE).

So if you’re pissed off, remember this at the polls. Know who your reps are. And if they are for this bullshit, vote their asses out.

Flip their fucking seats.

I’m tired, you guys. Let’s get our rights back. Let’s take our state back.

[oflgtfol]

been thinking about death/the afterlife a lot lately...

i think the way rick riordan explained the afterlife in pjo was really interesting and optimistic, how all kinds of afterlifes exist and all religions are true in their own way, and when you die you go to your own version of the afterlife. but in a way its also freaky because he also accounted for the people who don’t have any belief or think that you cease to exist after death

and it’s just.... it’s scary to think about idk. because when i really think about it, i just. can’t really imagine there being an afterlife. we can all hope for one but based on the facts we as human beings have at this point in time, it just feels like a hope and not a reality.

even the more supernatural things in general, i just can’t... truly take them as fact? hell i’ve even had a very supernatural experience in second grade, and my brother was there with me and we saw the exact same thing so i can’t even say it was my eyes playing tricks on me, but even looking back on that it’s just... i cant say it was a ghost? it’s fun to think about ghosts and all that and it’s fun to think about What If They’re Real? or even to act like they ARE real but when i really rationalize it i just... don’t see it. and i think all the experiences that have probably the most basis for something supernatural at work are just... unexplained. outside of our knowledge for some reason or the other. maybe both me and my brother had our eyes playing tricks on us, i mean it’s not very hard to find the shape of a person in the darkness. 

and so the only ~definitive~ proof we have of what happens after death would be the people who have died but came back. and they tell of stories of a white light at the end of the tunnel, of god, of christianity, but like. even then i dont believe it. all these stories are all from people obviously raised christian. i wonder what people of other religions see when they die and come back? do they see their version of the afterlife or do they still see what christians do? like i just feel like maybe these are just hallucinations or something, dreams, your mind trying to make sense of something like death. and at that point you have to think, is this someone’s internal bias taking over? if you’re raised with the idea that the christian afterlife is what happens after death, as christians are, then you’ll of course see it. and if you’re a part of another religion/not religious at all and still see this - well, that makes sense, since christianity is so prevalent in society and shoved in everyone’s faces to where even if you believe something else it may have still gotten under your skin subconsciously 

i don’t really know WHAT i believe. because as i said, logically i just don’t see anything happening. life came about by chance on this hunk of rock we called earth. i dont see how life has any inherent meaning either, so death doesn’t have any meaning as well. life and death are just things that happen. the world existed before life ever did here and the world will continue after we’re gone. life and sentience are just a complex phenomenon in nature

but.. i dont really WANT to believe that. it’s scary to think that this life is all we have. if life has no inherent meaning, then it’s up to us to make meaning of it, and it’s so scary to think that yes i really have been wasting my whole life doing absolutely nothing meaningful. and to think that i could die at any point, soon or later, unexpected and still without having made something of my meager time, and i couldnt even continue in ANY capacity afterwards because i’d just... cease to exist. i couldnt even look on as a ghost and lament how i Died Too Young, Too Soon. i wouldn’t feel anything. i wouldn’t even be apathetic because i wouldn’t Be. and that’s so scary to think about, to go from Being to Not Being and have it mean absolutely nothing to the rest of the world, the rest of the universe. it’s scary to think about but i can’t help but feel like this is the most likely option

but on the other hand, thinking about if there is an afterlife is equally as scary. i was raised catholic, as i’ve talked about before, and i hate how much it really impacted me even down to subconsciously, to this day. because when i think about if there is an afterlife, i can only ever picture the kind i was raised with. and by god that afterlife is scary.

heaven is cool and all yeah whatever but like, i was raised catholic. and i’ve been a Bad Christian for years now. my best case scenario is going to purgatory and suffering my sins out for however long till i can go to heaven. but i mean with my track record, and the way that the church was like “you’ll go to hell for being a nonbeliever!!!!” i can’t help but feel like... yes i am going to hell. and it fucking terrifies me still. i’ve rejected the church and yet i’m still terrified of the wrath of god because of the Catholic Guilt i was raised with and i hate it. i hate it. because when i think about if there’s an afterlife and i think about how god will smite me down, and how scared it makes me, it makes me want to grasp at straws and cling to any chance i have at going to heaven.

and GOD. thats so ANNOYING. i should not want to be a Good Christian simply because i fear god! and that’s what annoys me so much about catholicism. i disagree with so much of the doctrine and honestly? i don’t fucking want to worship that kind of god if the stuff they told me is true. what kind of god rules his subjects with an iron fist like this. like “you’re going to hell if you dont worship me and dedicate your entire fucking lives to it.” like “i will offer no evidence that i even exist and expect you to continue to believe in me even when there is no factual basis and especially when horrible events occur to you and i do nothing to intervene despite me being a Benevolent Being who Loves You, and then when you have no faith in me, i will cast you into hell, because Good Christians Have Faith.” like “you’re automatically going to hell if you kill yourself even if you have a mental illness and shouldn’t be faulted for your actions because life was already suffering enough for you to be unable to take it anymore but now you’ll suffer for all of eternity just because you didnt value the life that god gave you, simply because its a gift from GOD.” like “you’re still going to hell even if you kill yourself to save other people, yes including literally the entire human species. you threw away god’s gift and so you must suffer for all of eternity.”

one of the first lessons i had as a child and we were learning about hell was with the teacher telling us about how the suffering was for all of eternity. do you know how long eternity is? its unfathomably long. it has no end. i was a child and being taught that If I Mess Up Badly Enough, i will suffer for literally longer than my feeble human mind can even understand, because it has no length, since it literally has no end!!!! do you know how terrifying this is for a kid. especially a kid like me who was anxious over literally everything like 2012 and alien invasions and zombie apocalypses. i was in 5th grade and i learned about the rapture and it scared me so badly that it made me suddenly really invested in Becoming A Good Christian So That My Eternal Soul Is Not Suffering For All Of Eternity

it makes me so angry to think about the church i was raised in and i cant tell if this is just how catholicism/christianity as a whole is or if my church was especially bad or what. but either way i just cannot voluntarily dedicate myself to this religion anymore ever since i started realizing everything wrong with it

and the fact im still terrified of eternal damnation just goes to show how deep this shit goes. and it makes me MORE angry . and it makes me want to separate myself from this as much as possible. but thinking of actually having to fact eternal damnation makes me doubt if i could hold true to this if i actually face judgment, and it makes me EVEN ANGRIER to think that god would be so cruel that he’d force people to be bootlickers just to avoid something like burning in the fires of hell for ALL OF ETERNITY simply for not believing in him.

so yes, the idea of an afterlife is just as scary as the idea of their not being an afterlife. and i guess in the end i’d prefer to just cease to exist. but sometimes i’m still worried that oh no! what if there is an afterlife! and it’s not even like you can choose, like oh no this is the only afterlife and now we’re all going to hell for being nonbelievers. and sometimes this worry makes me contemplate what it’d be like to return to the faith but then it’s like. i shouldnt do this simply because i’m afraid of god. it’d be disingenuous and i’d still go to hell anyway since it’s not like i can even love god with this kind of view towards christianity, so he’d see right through my fake ass practices and it’d all be futile in the end, having wasted my whole life slaving away for this god damn religion like i’ve always wanted to avoid. and even despite that, it’s like, i shouldn’t have to do this in the first place. what kind of god is so full of himself that he’d punish someone for ALL OF ETERNITY because they’re not kissing his feet 24/7 and Dare to doubt him

i wish i was raised without any religion at all. like, because i was raised with this, i don’t think i could even convert to another religion. i admire a lot of religions for the story aspect, but i simply don’t have the drive to carry out the everyday routines and discipline behind them (even if i can admire those too), and what’s the use to them really if i don’t believe in the more uh, supernatural aspect of them, for lack of a better word.

my ideal afterlife would probably be reincarnation maybe. or maybe like the greek afterlife. hades seems really fair in how there’s various tiers for people and their goodness levels.. outside of set religions though i think my ACTUAL ideal would be to just... spectate the living world. like, i’m dead, but i’m able to just. observe what’s happening. i’d love to do that. i don’t want to die but i don’t want to live forever, but my GOD i really want to see where humanity goes in the future and it pains me to think about everything i’m going to miss. if i could just observe it as some sort of outside spectator...

anyway, back in terms of like organized religions, i just can’t make myself truly believe in them. i can hope but that’s really all i can do. because of how i was raised it’s just, christian afterlife or nothing at all, and both seem so bad that death in itself is scary to think about. if only i was raised without a religion, then i think i could maybe do something. if i could choose a religion and rationalize it on my own and come to believe in it then okay. but i’d probably stay non religious then, but at the very least i’d at least be rid of this stupid catholic guilt and fear of god so i could at least ponder the possibility of different afterlifes without being afraid of going to hell beyond the abstract concept of it