#thespacebear

[thespacebear]

"I'm not a Program...I'm a User".

[lil-queer]

thespacebear replied to your post: anonymous said:Are you into chubs...

I believe he said if you are into Chubs, not big guys, those 2 things are very different.

..... since I hate the term chub. Regardless, the answer is still yes

[char350]

I could only wish that one day I grow up to be as cool as you...one day...(keep in mind I'm pushing 30).

Growing old is inevitable; growing up is optional =)

[thespacebear]

Spent all of December rewatching Doctor Who, managed to binge each season plus specials per week all month while I have been recovering at home.

[thespacebear]

Oh dear...better set a fresh pot for tea, it looks like I'll be expecting company soon.

[thespacebear]

Why am I always having to fix everything in this house! 🙄🙃

[thespacebear]

For christmas I got 2 pairs of LED Light Up Glasses, the Honeycomb ones are my favorite but I really love the other ones as well.

[thespacebear]

Well? Are you gonna just gonna stare or get into bed with me, have a cuddle, snacks and watch Doctor Who with me or not?!?

[thespacebear]

I'm trying...but it's hard...I keep trying to pretend that I'm "Okay" but truth is I haven't been "Okay" for a long time. I should be okay, I should even be happy...I have 2 loving partners a grumpy cat, a roof over my head. However, I still find myself pretending like I'm Okay...pretending that I'm Happy when the truth is that all I really want to do is close my eyes and stop existing.

I ask myself everyday if I go through with it today will they understand why? Will my Partners understand that I'm doing it for them so they can be happy and not feel like I'm weighing them down? I think about where I want to do it and how...razor blade down the street? Maybe a Cocktail? I just know I want it to be painless but it's never really pain free is it? Maybe if I go outside I'll slip and cause enough movement that an Icicle will fall into my chest. Maybe I'll cross the street just a few seconds early and hope it happens fast.

I keep telling myself they will be okay, no one else will really miss me, I have no blood family anymore, I have no circle of friends or even the occasional FWB. Just Bill and Richard and one other who has my heart...I pretend to be "okay" for their sake, I pretend so that they wouldn't worry or act weird around me.

They will ask me if I'm "Ok" and my answer is usually the same, "Yep just High AF" or "Mmhmm just feeling a bit High". When the truth is:

"No! I'm not okay I hate myself! I hate where I am and that I can't be the man I want to be for both of you because I feel so fucking lost and confused. I don't know where I fit in, I don't know where I belong, I can't figure myself out, so no I'm not okay...I just want to stop existing so you and Richard can stop worrying about me and you can both live the Happily Ever After that I gave up on...because somewhere along my life I gave up on myself".

I am trying...to keep it together for them because I love them but the truth is I'm not okay and I don't know how much longer I can keep saying "I'm okay" before they catch on. I keep telling myself I'll be fine, that things will be fine...and a small part of me Hopes so.

[thespacebear]

Well now that Twitter might be dead, I guess I'm back! 😂

[thespacebear]

So I have not posted in a while mainly cause I’ve been really busy with my personal life but also because...well 2 months go I got Hired to work at Build-A-Bear! And while yes I do realize the irony of a “Bear” working at a “Build-A-Bear” and have heard all the jokes from my Partner and roommate about Bear Stuffing lol. 

[thespacebear]

I am a true Alpha...

[thespacebear]

One of my Favorite things that I bought at "Boston Comic Con" was this really cool Prop Medieval Knights Sword...I really love this sword, as you can tell lol.

[thespacebear]

This is the only picture I snapped at 'P-Town' during "Bear Week"...my Daddy Bear (partner) decided to photo-bomb me while I WAS trying to take a selfie lol...Bear Attack!!

[thespacebear]

So over the Summer I kind of delved into the whole Singlet Fetish thing LOL as much as I was denying it at first it actually it felt good on me, I now own a Black and Navy Blue Singlet...guess now I now need to find someone to wrestle with me.

[thespacebear]

I am a Jedi...