#these were made throughout the month. theres probably more but i cant remember

[pardycity]

hi guys. take these

[urapunk]

(TW; mentions of self harm and vomiting.)

A Gary Smith writing that I made, and'll probably make more of.

People Dont Consider Me a Tradgedy And I Wish They Did

It's funny how alike he is to Petey. He's no different, he gnaws his nails quietly in class and listens to conversations around him because its embarrassing to start a conversation other than being the one spoken to. But thats a lie. He's just nervous and it tastes bittersweet and disgusting in his mouth like straight syrup.

But he cant even get better. He just cant. And so in the back of the ambulance with his snapped arm and new cuts from glass, he found himself crying. Crying for once. He's going to be fixed up and.. And well.. Sent away. Three months they said. Thats an entire summer. A summer in a looneyhouse and then its right back to the hell of bullworth if his grandpa decides to offer enough money. Those same faces. Those same, disgustingly familiar faces that he knows are staring. They're always looking, looking and looking and looking.

The EMT can see the cuts lacing his arms up and down until they get to his upper arm, because they feel even worse there and he doesnt hate himself so much as to make it sting even worse.

But he still does it. Theres atleast 12 cuts on his upper arm and they were all from really bad times. Times he's repressed and forgotten, times that make him want to rip his arm off and grow a new one, times that make him vomit from the anxiety of them happening again.

The lights are so bright in the roof of this death van. They hurt his eyes so bad, and he's sure his ankle is broken or wrist is shattered. He doesnt even know its his arm yet. Why didnt he just get Jimmy kicked out instead? Did he have to take over bullworth? Couldnt he just... Couldnt he just talk.

But he doesnt know how. He babbles like a small child when it comes to his stupid emotions because what are they. They all feel the same, his heart races, his face contorts, and thats it. Thats only how it feels and it will never feel different, and thats only the literal sense. They can either make him feel like hes driving a bumpy road or they can feel like his guts are spilling out so disgustingly in his lap.

It doesnt stop, and when they give him a therapist in happy volts itll still be the same. His therapist would ask him questions, like 'what caused this for you,' or 'why'd you do it?'...

'Why'd you do it?'

'Why'd you do it gary!'

And thats when he let out a loud, frustrated groan of pain.... He couldnt hear the sirens. Where had the sirens gone? Why couldnt he hesr the ambulance that he was in-?

He noticed he was wrong. He wasnt in it. He was now in a hospital bed, light beaming through the curtains and illuminated the cast on his right arm.

The cast. The cast that would restrict him. He was restricted now. Restriction is a bitter word. He doesn't like it because it specifically restricts him. Restrict, restrict, restrict.

It hit him that he had just woken up. He disnt remember falling asleep, maybe they out him out because he was writhing too much or- crying. Did he cry? Was he crying? He shouldnt have been crying. But nevermind that. He had obviously woken up from something frustrating him and he had no clue what it was. Maybe its best he doesnt remember.

It wasnt much longer in the day when he was checked into happy volts. He felt sluggish, and he quickly recognized the disgusting, stomach churning 'calm' of medication. His therapists all said the same things throughout those 3 months. Each time he was first meeting them he'd do a survey; with one question that stumped him every time, not matter how many times it was explained. 'Are panic attacks frequent? On a scale of one to 10, how bad do your attacks get?'

What is a panic attack. His therapists all just gave him the same answer, but he was searching for one that really set it up in him. He underatood it, a little, but it was like the knowledge of the ocean. It has fish and is very deep; it's emotional and very scary.

The thin mattress he slept on was annoying, and he couldnt tell if it made his slouch better or worse. He didnt have to wear one of those stupid gowns, they gave him a nice blue sweatshirt and white sweatpants with...

Grippy socks.

It made him want to die the amount of times he tried to slide down the hall only to remember, these arent normal socks. They have GRIP to them. He'd nearly fallen a less than safe amount of times. He couldnt even be childish, he had to be reduced to a 'calm' medicated zombie that felt sick all the time.

The clothes were comfortable though, the bed was.. Okay, but the showers were awful. He didnt feel clean. It never got hot enough to help him feel soft and fuzzy.

And it reminded him that he'd never wipe away the punches thrown at him over the years.

But that was for his therapist to hear, only because she was paid to. He's talk to his grandpa when he got home, but.. His grandpa wouldnt want to hear that. He wouldnt want to hear about how his grandson fought more than he should. That his grandsontried to take over the school and broke his arm in the process, that he fought ontop of bulworth academy and his last name would be slandered now. They shared nothing but the word Smith sometimes.

When he finally got out his grandpa had brought him clothes to change unto before leaving, a soft white tshirt and black cargo jeans, and a dark green jacket. He loved that jacket so much. It was like the perfect shade, the color that was the embodiment of gary! When he finally settled in the car he noticed his grandfather gripped the wheel angrily.

"So why'd you do it Fish?"

'Why'd you do it?'

'WHY'D YOU DO IT GARY!'

That made him wanna hurl. He couldnt stop thinking of Jimmy when anyone asked, but hearing it from his grandpa was sickening. Especially with the nickname he had aince a boy. He always loved aquariums and fish and all to do with fishing, so papa called him Fish, or just... Gary.

His grandpa was met with silence... And it did worry him. A little bit. But there wasnt room for worrying about gary now.

"Fish, tell me." He wasnt spitting venom out alongside his words, but more like a bittersweet syrupy medicine thats overly sweetened, the kind you'd take as a child and wanna throw up after.

"I dont know."

...

[awriternamedart]

Akrasia has met its end, so heres a quick FAQ with a few questions you might have about it !! (Minor spoilers if you havent finished the ficc below the break!)

What does Akrasia mean, and why did you name the fic that?

Akrasia - The state of mind in which someone acts against their better judgment through weakness of will.

I came across the word while doomscrolling pinterest while I was writing Akrasia. Fun fact, the original name for Akrasia was actually Ice Shards, Mask Fragments. But Akrasia as a word stuck with me, and the more I thought about it, the more I realized that the word really suited Sampo in the fic, and his constant back and forth with himself over his feelings for Gepard. So yeah, I renamed the fic.

Was Akrasia ever going to have a happy ending?

Nope. From the very beginning, Akrasia was meant to have an ambigious/bitter ending. It felt fitting, to me at least, because of Sampos nature, and the whole angle I took with his character.

You can actually find various hints about the ending throughout the fic, mostly in Sampos dialog and thoughts. I tried (key word tried) to write him with a flighty sort of air around him, a kinda sense of doom from the start. Sampo knew what would have to happen the moment it started.

What happened after Akrasia?

Up to intepretation! Personally, I think Gepard didnt end up joining the Astral Express, instead asking them to just keep him up to date if they ran into Sampo, up until the time the epilogue happens. Reverse Serval situation, because he is honorbound and Gepard is a military man at heart. He knows where his duty lies. But like I said, its really up to you guys and what you wanna think happened.

WHERE IS LYNX ?!

So I started writing Akrasia the month of Star Rails release, (MAY 2023 TF?!), before we knew anything about Lynx. Because I didnt want to mischaracterize her, I ended up just not writing her explicitly

Will there be any more Akrasia fics?

Yes, actually! I made an Akrasia series on Ao3 for a reason. Im planning on doing a few DanCae shots to compliment the Starch7th ones already there, as well as a few side stories for the GePo/SamPard moments that were in passing in the main story. Things like missing scenes, more sexier times, and elaboration into characters I didnt really get to explore in the base story. But Akrasia itself is done and dusted. All fics pertaining to its small lil universe will be under different names.

How old is everyone in Akrasia?

I wrote and percieved Gepard and Sampo to be in their early 30s, maybe extremely late 20s. Seele and Bronya are mid 20s, Serval is mid 30s and Natasha is late 30s early 40s. As for the Trailblazers, well we know Dan Heng is probably far older then we think, Caelus and Stelle are.. weird, and March cant fucking remember. So I wrote them all witu the idea of mentally mid 20s.

Why are Stelle and Caelus in Akrasia?

cause I wanted them to be. Like, genuinely I just didnt want to choose and I wanted both Starch and DanCae so yeah. I just said their both here.

If you want the internal lore reason, the Stelleron was unstable enough that it ended up needing another vessel to contain all of its power. So Stelle and Caelus are just really weird twins, basically. They share a level of physical connection outside of looks as well, (ie, the matching scars from cocolia) but only to extreme , permanent damage. They also trade off who uses the lance and the baseball bat at their leisure.

Why are there some plot inconsistencies ?? (they bug me the author alot)

because its fanfiction /j thats not my excuse

Nah theres actually a reason for it. Akrasia originally was written to be aroind 10k words long, and clearly thats not what fucking happened.

So i ended up going back and editting alot of scenes, removing one scene entirely that actually was pretty important and i tried to make sure i caught every error but- well yeah i missed some.

If your curious about said scene, well- Remember the drunk Sampo scene? Yeah originally they had a drunk hook up and that was the main catalyst for the story. I ended up completely scrapping the scene and changing it around as it became more of a slowburn and the scene felt more and more out of place with the story i wanted to tell.

Hell in the original manuscript for the fic they never even got together, so theres that -

Will there be a sequel to Akrasia?

maybe? Im not planning to have one but the possibility is there, though im not sure what it would entale. For now, just indulge yourself in the side stories.

Do you allow fanwork ?

hell yeah mate, and this goes for anything I post on ao3. your more then welcome to draw or write stuff based on what Ive made, to take inspiration from the ideas Ive had. Writing, alt ending, art, hell playlists if you want(strangers by kenya grace is my assigned akrasia song btw). As long as you aint takin it and claimin it as yours.

[babysizedfics]

Mama Logan's xmas video

Background

As has been mentioned before, patton ALWAYS takes photos and videos of his family when they have littletime and he holds these photos and videos very dear to his heart

he used to send some of them to logan at the end of every day - mostly just his favourites. he would take thirty to fifty everyday and sent logan maybe 5-10 in the evenings

logan would simply reply with a :) or a 'Very lovely.' message

although whenever patton asked if logan saved them, logan said it was not really in his interest. he preferred to live in the moment, and besides patton kept the photos if logan ever needed them for whatever reason

So patton had hundreds and hundreds of photos and vids of his family after months of being a little family

until on the 25 november his phone unexoectedly was wiped over night and he lost all of his camera roll

he hadn't backed up his phone at all

patton was devastated, he cried for the whole day - logan tried helping to restore them but couldnt find any hope of doing it. pat took the phone to a workshop the next day but even they couldnt bring the photos back

even for the next four weeks every now and then he remembers how much he lost and geets tearful and sometimes just really down and everyone hates to see him like that

Now onto christmas day

a month later on christmas day the family all celebrate - in the morning they open presents and have hot chocolate

and logan bought patton a handheld camera to capture all of the little moments without worrying about ohone backup and storage. he makes sure to teach patton how to transfer files to his laptop too

they cook lunch, roman and virgil exchange gifts in secret, and then after they eat logan asks them all to come into the living room

vee gets a slight anxiousness since logan refuses to explain whats going on - he starts getting stressed but logan anticipates this and apologises and holds virgils hand to help him calm as they move to the living room

and logan sits them all on the couch - logan in the corner, then patton, roman, and virgil on the end closest to the door to feel less trapped

and he sends them all a small nervous smile then turns on the TV and presses play

a shaky handheld video comes onscreen - it shows baby vee cuddled in his logans lap, paci bobbing in his mouth and sound asleep. logan is smiling at roman, who is say next to them and stroking virgils head softly. the scene from chapter 7 of little accidents big developments, when roman first sees virgil in his new younger littlespace

the present patton in the living room gasps so loudly it makes everyone jump - his hands are slapped over his mouth and his eyes instantly well with tears. he looks at logan with a shocked and desperate expression

logan scootches closer to him on the couch, their hips touching and logan holding psttons hand tightly. he knows patton will be emotinal for this

"Are you being gentle with your brother, Roman?" Patton asks off screen

"I'm being really soft, look," the roman on screen says, sounding very quiet but clearly using his little voice

"Well done, little prince" on screen logan says with a proud, soft smile

'oh my god..' present virgil whines, burying his burning cheeks in his hands

'wow i really take up the screen with my presence!' present roman brags. he is smiling confidently and hoping it distracts anyone from his own blush and the way he us sinking back into the couch and avoiding everyones eyes

'i th-thought' patton breaks off with a sniffle 'i thought it was gone forever' he whispers through tears. but he cant rip his gaze away from the screen

then the video fades out - only to reveal a photo of family time where vee and roman were playing together and patton was laughing with them

then another photo of roman and patton smiling and posing with some cookies they made on week

then another of vee and logan napping together and cuddling on the couch

patton starts sobbing now because he realises - this isnt just one video, this is a whole compilstion of lhotos and videos patton thought were lodt forever

then a voiceover starts accompanying the slideshow/video - logan's boice

"I predict by this point if the video Virgil will be hiding his face in embarrassment-" vee makes a small whine from behind his hands. roman giggles

"- and roman will have probably made an overconfident remark to distract from his own embarrassment-" roman gasps in offence and crosses his arms

pictures keeping showing on the screen

"and patton, my love, i am afraid you may be shocked and confused. perhaps even upset"

patton sniffles and holds logans hand tighter

"but i assure you all, this video is not meant to cause discomfort. i only aim to inspire as much joy and love in you all as i feel whenever i look back on these images. yes, i keep them all saved and yes, i look back on them often. i do not want to overwhelm any of you. virgil, you may leave if you so wish-"

virgil doesnt move

"roman you may cause distractions if you fee uncomfortable being so vulnerable-"

roman doesnt say a word

"and pstton, i promise i will be right by your side through this whole thing as i am to be throughout our lives"

logan turns to patton irl and presses a kiss to the side of his head. patton cries more and wiggles his legs over logans lap and holds him tight as he keeps watching the video

the video goes on, so many photos and videos disaplying their family, and logan's voiceover constsntly stating how much he loves all of his family and why

he reassures virgil that his dependence and vulnerability is endearing and inspires logan with affection

he reassures roman that his boisterousness and creativity are bith amusing and enjoyable and inteligent

he reassures patton thst his dedication to the boys makes him so proud of his partner and so adoring of how big his heart is

the whole video is LONG - like twenty minutes

and patton is crying through it all and using the apron roman gifted him that morning to mop up his tears

but roman and virgil sre both big and very stubborn

theyve never actually been so open about how close they are when little, they dont deny it anymore but its hard to discuss openly

but here there is physical proof they cant deny, on screen shows how close and loving they sre as brothers when little

they both get emotiona during the video and are sniffling but keep their distance on the couch

until one video pstton had taken when they bith fell asleep cuddling on the couch after their first sleepover

virgil's face crumples and he shakily whimpers 'f*ck' and shoves himself over ont he couch towards roman

roman was ready too, his arm is open for virgil and he holds virgil around the shoulders as they both try not to cry at the video

they cuddle for the rest of the show

patton isnt able to watch all of it because he hides his face in logans shoulder so bing every few minutes

but after it they're all crying and cuddling and there are forehead kisses and whispers of love. and it's about thirty seconds before they realise the video has made vee start to regress

so they can let go of the emotional moment for a bit to prepare for little time

but in the future of course they still keep the video. patton watches it everyday for the whole week

and the thing is virgil never ever knew what his regression was really like from an outside perspective - he is barely sure of his own perspective because of the memory gaps

and this video sticks in his mind for weeks because he ACTUALLY acts like a baby, he's SEEN it now and it shocks and scares and excites and thrills him it's all so overhwelming

and every few days, then eventually every few weeks, vee tiptoes to logans room and shyly asks if he can watch the video again. he becomes fascinsted with this proof that his regression really is what everyone said it was - completey all encompassing

this is rlly messy pls ask questions if theres any line of inquiry that you want built on or explained more - i dont rlly know how to squeeze it all in djdjd

[alicezan-ncgred]

Bleeding Red

Preface: I’ve been bitching around the bush of this long enough. So, I’ve been really silent on a bunch of stuff that’s been eating me alive which has made me both inactive and unproductive. I’m going to get straight to the point, starting off with the TL:DR from my post on my main blog. Context: An anon asked me if I was alright because I hadn’t updated in a while.

TL:DR You probably didn’t ask this to hear about all the bad shit of my life so here’s the short of it. No, I’m not doing fine. I will try get next weeks post out on time and I’ll work on making up on the lost posts. Updates will return regularly, ‘ite.

Time for the thick and thin of it.

Insecurity and being shafted: I’m stoic, even at my worst I won’t say anything. I’ll push through regardless of my current condition and since I’ve gone years like this, it’s not hard for me to do. In my real life situation, I’m currently in a place of social isolation. This has lead to a somewhat near reliance on Tumblr to be my social outlet. This present many issues.

The main one is that I’m quite the isolationist. This has only been reinforced by many interactions throughout the entirely of my life. Because of this, I can’t say I’ve ever had anything really more than two friends at a time. While in a way this has helped me express myself so well through writing, it’s come at the cost of social skill. I don’t talk to anyone.

With this kind of issue you could easily imagine that the THREE PEOPLE (four now, but very limited) to ever directly talk ended up in a way shafting me. The first blocked and disconnected with me without warning or reason. At this point we’ve been talking to each for about a month and we hit it off very well and then one day, silence. Never heard from them again. That fucked me up hard when I finally realized what happened.

The second person left during the Tumblr P**n Purge. We were talking about how to contact each other on other platforms and then they stopped responding. I had already given contact to other platforms of which they pinged me in any way. Another person that I trusted massively on here just abandoned me and I’m still hurting from that. Wasn’t fair at all.

Then the third person was someone that I been following for a while. This person is actually the reason that I’ve been putting this off for so long. I don’t want them to see this post but they will. I got an ask from them that ultimately turned out to be misinformation. I said I wasn’t mad but I was. I was so fucking angry about it and I’m still kinda mad, but I didn’t want problems. I still don’t. I just didn’t want them to worry about it. This will come back later.

I try my best to be as inoffensive as possible. The problem with that is that much of the things I believe or enjoy are highly divisive. Hell, even my own identity can be seen as offence. I’m bisexual, non-binary (I’m currently still questioning this. I might actually be gender fluid but in the overall scheme, that’s worse than being non-binary), and nonreligious. I’m in a very religious area so you I’m still “in the closet” about much of this IRL. I though it would better online but with how much people are saying bisexuality doesn’t exist, or that non-binary isn’t a valid gender (or that being gender fluid make you insane and you should be locked up) and all the hate people who say they are this are getting, the very community that’s supposed to accept me, HATES me. I had a bi pride flag icon last year during Pride Month. I never doing that ever again. It was terrible.

I’m trying my best to come out of my shell like I said I would when I made this blog but it seems I’m just crawling further into it. People I think I can trust keep setting me up to fall, people I know in real life won’t ever accept my existence if they knew who I really was, and my own mental health problem and self loathing are eating me alive. But that isn’t the total of it.

Crumbling Pillar: I’ve always ended up in the position where things were thrown onto me. In which no one wanted to do, I was stuck with. Because of this not only do I have a severe distaste being around my family (beyond everything mentioned before hand) but I grew to have a negative out look on everything. This effect is still quite obvious in my writings, especially my poems. Out of the 14 poems on my poem blog @washed-soul​, only one has a happy meaning.

The one happy poem was called dreams. Under a metaphor it talks about how a demon kept me trapped in a dark space. I start to get better and nearly break free before I have a negative relapse back to my old ways. The poems ends with the demon putting a end to itself leaving the nightmare in which it was keeping me in to slowly fade away, letting one crack of light peeking through to become a window to a door until one day I walk free. When writing this poem, I never thought I would find myself rebuilding the nightmare but that’s where I am.

I’m done with holding things together that other people have placed onto me. Because of this, issues have began showing in my private life. Issues that should’ve been solved decades ago are only now being addressed. This change in the status quo of my life has caused many issues in my productive and mood. Between everything else I’m too tired to do anything.

Is that a reason, is that an excuse. No it isn’t but it’s the best thing I got as a reason. I’m doing my damnedest to do the best I can but of course, when it comes to the thing that matter I just fall short. Big fucking whopha my intelligence and capability does me if I can’t use it for anything that means a damn.

Meaningless Triviality: I’m a very emotional person. I’m very strongly bound to my emotions and if everything above hasn’t given it away, my emotions are very negative prone. But it just doesn’t stop there, it goes back into my memories. I can only honestly place 3 happy memories for certain that aren’t either A) a dream or B) me escaping reality through my mind. Besides that, almost all my memories are negative. 

People like to throw around the word Nihilist to describe themselves because today's culture is very, god while I hate to use this word, edgy. For those who don’t know a Nihilist is someone who views the world as being completely  meaningless and reject all religious and moral principles. I very truly struggle with this outlook of life. It’s a daily for me to berate myself saying “just kill yourself” or “I want to die” or just shutting down and crumpling up while say “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry” over and over again. Hell, I did that while writing this. 

I take things very hard, even the slightest transgression. I’m so used to trying to make things perfect and because people have the image that I’m the smart one, the mature one, the capable one, I’m left with the over hanging expectation of excellence. Almost no room for margin of error or being human. Since I’m the silent type, I put up no challenge and work to meet it. Only time I get any praise for anything too. 

I guess as a little self promotion to my main blog, for those that have read the very first few updates of my main blog @the-truth-behind-redacted, or read Defiance’s character sheet, while The Machine and Defiance are separate character, they both share the name Machine. That in part is a reflect of said above expectation. How ravenous and inhuman it can be all under the guise of something human. Those characters are the two sides to the same coin. 

Remember how I said I try to be un-problematical and how I try to avoid any potential conflict. In the first segment I told on how I lied about my feelings just so another person didn’t have to worry over something that honestly, in hindsight, wasn’t even really a big deal. But I also said how it consumed me in anger. I just don’t want to bother anyone over anything. It’s part of the reason why I am writing this post, as some way of a self enforced rehab program to get better. 

This absolute consumption of negative emotion has pushed me into a non human state before. I hit a point of absolute mental exhaustion and in such a self enforced bubble of actual hatred I became completely apathetic. I felt numb to everything. I watched and heard of terrible things happening to people, and felt nothing. I watched people lives crumble before them leaving them nowhere to go and LAUGHED. “Just another worthless pathetic worm on this rotting carcass of a planet being hit with the hard reality that life doesn’t care for them. What whimsical pathetic bullshit they deluded themselves with to think otherwise.” This isn’t an exaggeration on how I thought, this is what I actually thought. Which brings me too.

The Mandatory Sob Story: Roll your eyes everyone and get the tiny violin. I guess in order for everyone to exactly understand the place I’m coming from when it comes to mental health I’ll have to detail my experiences. I have a long standing history with mental illness. I have professionally diagnosed OCD, Bipolarism, Anxiety, Chronic Depression, and visual and auditory hallucinations. I take 600 mg of Seroquel a day as well as Amitriptyline when needed. I’m also still currently in therapy to deal with said OCD, Bipolarism, Anxiety, Chronic Depression, the visual and auditory hallucinations, as well as Suicidal thoughts, and my Nihilism. There’s a reason to why I’m so god damn familiar with mental illness and treatment plans.  

OCD and Bipolarism run in my family on my fathers side. My Father’s Father had them, my Sister has them, my brother most likely has them (however he refuses to see a doctor because he uses said possible mental illnesses as a get out of jail free card. He doesn’t want to be treated and he has FUCKING ADMITTED IT), my father has them, and I have them. I, however, have the misfortune of having it real bad. I said yes to well over half of all the total symptoms when I was being tested (I don’t remember exact numbers but I remember there being three pages worth of common symptoms) which was very worrying to the doctor. I was currently in an inpatient hospitalization program at the time for both suicidal thoughts and actions, and severe depression. 

On that, my graze in with suicide. Before I went into my first inpatient program I was contemplating suicide. I was sat in front of a mirror with a bottle of over the counter medication. It was an unopened bottle of ibuprofen, 1000 200mg tables. What I planed to do was down the whole bottle with benadryl and die in my sleep. I had the small box of benadryl got from the Kroger pharmacy and a hand full of ibuprofen poured out looking directly into the mirror. My suicide note was sitting on the desk on my room with an online copy on my laptop open.

I sat there for an hour in the dead of midnight complicating my life. I had lost all hope in the world, filled with hatred, anger, pain, and despair. I had no god or after life to look forward too, part way hoping that a Hell existed for me to burn in. I hated myself that much. I was close to taking the first handful before before I caught a glimpse of my own eyes in the mirror. In what was in a weird sudden epiphany I realized that I truly did become what I hated but not for any reason I told myself. I became the very bastion of negativity I sought to fight and rid of in what little friends I did have. That was what set off my path to recovery in spite of the medical system. I guess if people care I’ll make a separate post on that. 

Before I move on, I feel I should explain my history with the visual and auditory hallucinations. It should be no surprise that with everything else above, I also had extreme paranoia that led to me having very bad insomnia. Insomnia is, just like most other medical disorders like Depression, Self-harm, Anxiety, OCD,  Bipolarism, is romanticized to hell. Insomnia isn’t having one nights bad sleep where you got 5 hours of sleep instead of 8.

You know what Insomnia is? insomnia is being physical incapable of sleeping despite not sleeping in 2 to 3 day while your body suffers massive agony brought on by this. Muscle spasms and seizing, difficulty breathing, your eyes feeling like fire ants are eating them, and of course visual and auditory hallucinations. Now I already had issues with visual and auditory hallucinations even when I could get sleep regularly but the combined effects of my OCD and Bipolarism made this perfect condition of Insomnia, Anxiety, Paranoia, with the already added in disposition to hallucinations and I felt like I was actually losing my mind. 

My hallucinations presented themselves in three forms. Disassociation of reality, night terrors, or alterations of reality. Disassociation of reality often were complete black out moments. I would lose any perceived connect to reality and enter an episode of my mind. I can’t remember what they actually were but I do remember what it felt like. Cold sweats, anxiety to point where if I didn’t lock up I would vomit, actual physical pain, mind numbing fear, and intense fatigue. 

The second were night terrors often in the form of horrific “things.” I do remember these and most of them were as best as I could describe, forms of things that were vaguely human and formations of industrial machinery. The most vivid one I remember was of a long lengthy apparition that was for the most part human but many locations of it’s impossible physiology were rebar beams and mechanical sockets. It began when I was about to fall asleep and it was next to my window. The thing was making week groaning and gasping sounds before it violently slammed against my window breaking it then letting out a horrific howl that I can’t describe as it tossed itself out followed shorty after with the sound of bones breaking against the dirt. 

Now that might not seem so bad, exspecally with everything that is in horror movies or games now, but keep in mind that was fucking real to me. It was as real as the clicking of the keys of my keyboard as I’m writing this. As real as the chair I’m sitting in and as real as the wall in front of me. As far as my mind was concerned that thing, what ever it was, actually existed. It took me physical touching my window to make sure it wasn’t actually broken and checking outside to see if there wasn’t a body there. This isn’t the type of thing I talk about lightly. 

Finally there is the alteration of reality. This is very simply but it’s something that fucked with me hard. For very little meaning or warning, I would have trouble interpreting the world around me. My hearing and sight would be warped and there wasn’t any real way to tell what I was hearing or seeing was real or not until the episode was over. The way I got through these was the ultimate fake it till you make it. Obviously, very often I failed and this created issue in my schooling. 

Ending Message: I’ve been in a very bad state for a while now and as it is now, no signs of getting better. I also strongly believe my medications are being to fail me which I’ve been telling my doctor and therapist for over a year now but nothing’s been done. Mainly it’s my Depression but insomnia episodes are beginning and my own paranoia been on the rise. It’s gotten to the point where I can’t even look at a creepy image or thumbnail without having a very bad episode. 

I’ve managed to eat something today which was nice but my body is cramping hard. And to possible stave of a possible comment, I’m biologically male. Like I said I’m not in the best head space, or living for that matter. If this gets better, only time will tell. 

[theday]

minpuppy day

its 8pm here, and his birthday is almost over. im listening to day6′s stream rn and im ready to type out my essay 4 lmh 

this got so long and its a mess without proper sources whoops!!!!

SO FIRST OF ALL... lee minhyuk!!!!! the kindest boy on earth and also the most extra lmao

tbh i only became a mbb in late august so i was only present for the last 2 ep of mxray but with everything else, i had 2 catch up rip.. i watched the first episode of season 2 first bc im a dumbebe and it was the cafe/nail salon episode ?? yeah. at that point i didnt know any of them and i couldnt recognise anyone except for jooheon bc i started liking jh first i was just super confused with everyone else, minhyuk included. nobody really stood out when i watched it but i still found it extremely funny (mx are so funny every show theyve been on i always laugh its great i love it) was the next episode the party one ?? (nope) i dont remember but i dont think i focused on anyone at that time either but i noticed how minhyuk was so fucking extra with how he would give kh + hw false clues and i was like .. ‘this guy is seriously..’ and when changkyun plotted with them to abandon mh i was cheering for him tbh LOL and i got so scared for ck when minhyuk found out sbwjaiks idk ive never talked about first impression for mxray so im gonna side track a bit (a lot) and?? the way he played everyone and eventually himself (and changkyun) was so funny wtfeksmk we love an idiot?? in the animal episode, i didnt take notice of mh (again) bc he was with jh and i was 2 focused on him poor mh and mary LMAO i think throughout my first watch of mxray i didnt have that much of an impression of minhyuk other than that he is super extra?? watching their older shows like ‘right now’ and the des??koptac??? fk if i know im a fakebebe i think he grew on me more?? 

but the time where he really impacted me and made me fall for him was when i watched no.mercy?? the way he gave the flower to the judge (i lov EHR SO MUCH) (the male judges can ***** x) it really gave me the impression of how sweet minhyuk is?? and i remember when he got second last and he cried i felt so fucking bad? he loves his parents so damn much???? minhyuk is really out here being the best son/friend/group mate?? AND despite that he worked together with the other guy (im so sorry) and they did a wonderful stage?? the way minhyuk lightened the mood after the performance showki gave? that made me really think because people gave minhyuk the title of mood maker you know? and just based on that i could truly see why and after that im so happy minhyuk is with monsta x (ill talk abt this later) and im pretty sure he was the one who lost since it was like a battle (work together with your partner but youre also fighting against them) and i know how they like messed the thing up didnt they? and they told him he won but they announced the wrong name minhyuk didnt even let that get to him? he had the biggest smile on his face even though he lost? i love lee minhyuk so much?? he was happy because he and his team mate managed to show such a good performance and that makes me so proud??? 

it was probably at that point where i really started to see minhyuk as who he is??? he has a lot of sides to him honestly and i dont know all of them but from what i can see minhyuk’s just great?? i was also starting to fall deeper for monsta x as a whole and that meant finding out about past incidents and watching old vlives,, i saw ppl mentioned about how minhyuk would be there for wonho throughout his harder times?? and i watched the video where wonho actually thanks minhyuk (and other members) about that and you can just see how supportive minhyuk is of wonho? hes always there for him and not just wonho, minhyuk’s always with everyone although it is different every era?? he shows so much love to all of his members and its ?? amazing??? minhyuk’s like everybody’s support system and im jsut so!!!!! minhyuk ur doing amazing sweetie :-( 

right now back to the thing i said i said id talk abt later which is now so. i was watching the last ep of no.mercy (where they select who gets 2 debut) and i knew who were gonna debut obviously but it was still so fucking nerve wrecking???? honestly? you could see the shock on minhyuk’s face when he gets chosen as the last member. idk what he was thinking but it really hurts to think that minhyuk probably thought he wouldnt be able to get in? (i also have no idea how no.mercy works and im still a bit skeptical about it, was it all planned? etc.) and just the surprise and disbelief really??? goD ??? mh probably felt really bad about being chosen despite have 2 other suitable ppl next to him i kind of think minhyuk sometimes doubts his abilities??? back on weekly idol too where they asked him how he managed to get in and they (hyungwon?) answered with passion like?? i dont know :-// this whole para is a joke tbh bc of how much i dont trust no.mercy lol so disregard it?????

what i wanted 2 say though was how without minhyuk, i dont think monsta x would be able to be how they are today. as much as i hate to say this, performance & song wise, there wouldnt be much of a difference because of how little lines minhyuk gets (which is understandable, still makes me a tad bit mmMPH) however, the presence on shows would change so much??? minhyuk helps bring out everyones sides on shows? and maybe he doesnt and im just being bloody delusional but i believe that minhyuk plays a super important role whenever mx are on any kind of show because he’s able to ?? i dont know??? he can see whenever one of the members are feeling uncomfortable/not talking enough and he goes to them/asks them stuff im pulling this out of my ass actually ah . i dont fucking know i dont have any sources nd this is all from my shit ass memory so if u do read this and realize how inaccurate it is im sorry but thanks 4 reading lmao 

basically . minhyuk plays an important role in monsta x as more than a vocal but as a person who’s always there for his members 

ANOTHER THING. we all know of when minhyuk speaks english?? like he doesnt have to because theres changkyun but he does it anyway?? again, idk if he does it bc he wants 2 lessen the burden on changkyun (who cant speak english that well - same) or because he wants to connect with more intl fans but its sweet either way?? and its really funny the way he translates stuff too lmao 

i already saw someone else talk about this but its something i noticed too though it didnt really click unitl i saw their post about it,, back on like the radio vlive he would do with kihyun he was always setting goals for the vlive and everything but in the recent vlive with kihyun (again) he assured mbbs that they didnt need to press hearts and that they should focus on the vlive (was this mentioned or assumed???) idk but we can think he probably means that even if it was unspoken.. it really shows how much minhyuk’s grown??? he went from asking for hearts to making sure that mbbs could properly watch the vlive instead?? minhyuk really looks out for others ? when he picked out the stuff kihyun didnt like too??? he didnt even to think twice about doing it he just did it immediately?? minhyuk is so fucking sweet and he just??? thinks about the others ??? always being there for them and everything????

minhyuk is also so sososososo nice to fans? i watched that one video where he gave fans his like towel because they didnt have umbrellas and it was raining/?? yeah sure maybe thats like. basic fan idol stuff but it really says a lot about minhyuk??? he didnt have an umbrella either but he still wanted to make sure they wouldnt get sick????

in these past 2 months, ive learnt that minhyuk is more than extra, hes someone who cares for just about everybody??? he was the last member selected for monsta x but he’s constantly improved himself since then and im so proud of lee minhyuk?? so shoutout to the boy who loves his members and monbebes like theyre his family and shoutout to the boy who loves his family so much. happy birthday lee minhyuk and thank you for being born :-D 

also its 9pm now lmao and day6 are doing their last song im happy this has been fun so bye now 

[missbbjean]

Dear You

You said you liked me, you would constantly say it at the most random of times or that you missed me a girl you have never meant before and how could you possible miss me? but then you explained that you missed hearing my voice, it was relaxing to hear and being able to talk to someone tell them about your day and what bothered you and having that someone not reinsure you of anything but just be there to listen with no judgment. I felt so happy like an idiot for being able to hear that and for being that person for you to talk to but you were also that person for me. For 2 years we talked one year over the comment section of each others pictures on IG and here and there over the DMs of IG then in early 2016 we talked almost everyday over the DMs on IG  and then in late February you gave me your number we talked from then on texting and calling. Somewhere around March you already said you wanted to meet but i told you how impossible that was giving the distance between us but in December last year you brought up buying my plane ticket i told you how bad id feel about that because i know it wouldnt be cheap, you didnt bring it up again after that till sometime of this year in February and i wanted to meet you so bad that i agreed to it. So we planed for March but as time got closer for me to go to where you are there was still no message about a plane ticket i grew worried and upset and you never answered my calls or texts. It was the day i was supposed to go down there and nothing nothing from you i cried to my mom for hours so upset, 23 day pass its april now and i get a DM from you over IG like you couldnt really text or call you had to DM over IG like wtf but we talked about it and i shouldve brought up my concerns and what bothered me but i didnt because i didn want to fight i didnt want to argue and like you said "its not like we're together so who am i to say whats you can and cant do" you said you liked me and that you wouldnt mind pursuing more but not with out some sort of proof that i was interested in just you and not multiple people, my proof was facing my biggest fear just for you but i guess that wasn’t proof enough and everything before or after wasn’t either. you then said "again were not together but i dont think youre that interested in me if youre openly giving everyone the same attention " but we talked some more and we had things figures out but i shouldve brought up the fact that you were doing the same giving the same open attention to many other girls, i on the other was not giving that attention like you said i was it was just some 19yr old that left comments on my pictures and my only responses back were ever " thank you, lol, okay or hahah" but yours on girls pictures were stupid kissy heart eye emojis and comments like "damn girl look at you, so beautiful, so pretty, hot" and the list goes on but i bit my tongue because like you said we weren't together and i didnt want to seem i dont know possessive, i know now i shouldve spoke up. but you called the next day asking if we could start where we left off of and i asked with us talking or me coming down there and you said with me coming down there and that same night you bought the plane ticket and everything, there really was no going back and i was so excited that i couldnt sleep at all. I thought finally im going to meet this guy whos been nothing but nice and sweet to me, who ive had nothing but great conversations with where i could just be 100% me. but throughout all of april you still continued with commenting things on other girls pictures again i didnt want to start a fight before i came down there and i had planed to say something well i was there but i didnt want to start something because well id have no wheres to go and lord knows i have anger issues. We spend 4 days together i became sure that yeah i really like this person and maybe even love a little. but when i came home everything fell apart. 2 days go bye and i dont hear from you not even a single text but yet you're on social media multiple times throughout the day and commenting dumb shit AGAIN on girls pictures. we talk on saturday and i bring it up finally and you ask why it was an issue with the 19 yr old commenting what he did on my pictures and you said well its obvious and i said no tell me and you asked why and i said tell me why it was an issue and you said well because I LIKE YOU. so i said if you like me so much why are you commenting dumb shit on girls pictures over IG and you asked "who like you really dont know and i dont remember usernames and your excuse was "well the reason i was asking who is because its probably a client"and i asked "really come on now" and you continue with "well its my job their my client its my job to make them feel pretty or beautiful"like yeah thats youre job when their in you chair not for you to do over social media and like really is it normal for you to comment on your clients half naked pictures?? come on now get real. we end the conversation that night with you saying that wed talk about it more but we never did. sunday goes bye and monday comes around i didnt hear from you  but sometime during the day you unfollow me and i get confused more than ever. here you are or were telling me you like me and everything fly me down there to meet you spend that time together and for what what reason, what was the point! days go by i dont hear from you Thursday I tell you we need to talk something serious and you tried to make me feel stupid for it but you never called and you ignored my call we dont talk till Friday when i see you liking a whole bunch of these girls pictures on IG and i mean pictures from early 2016 and late 2015 like duuuude really and then i see theres a recent post from her and just so happened that in the video shes spinning around in a chair and i notice the background, its your room and then you walked in. I call you that night pissed off and you start off with a "hey!" like every things fine and dandy and continue to say "yeah sorry i havent talked to you in a while theres been a lot going on with work i ve been really busy and i could even lose my job" and i was like "oh so busy that yet you had time to be home during the day with a girl in your room" and again you go "well who" like as if you dont know just how many girls have you had over in your room since damn man. so i tell you the usuername because well this time i remembered it and you go "well let me look that up right now" like ohhhhhh COME ON! you know exactly who stop playing dumb and then you say "well we have mutual friends in common" i told you ones that havent ment her in person dont count and so you say "well my parents were home nothing happened" i told you i was there and your parents were home and shit happened so dont give me that and then its :well if it bothers you so much ill stop talking to her" i told you im not the kind of person who tells you who you can and can not talk to but it should be common sense of what your doing is going to bother me or piss me off because here you are or were telling me you like me and everything had me come down there and you sleep with me and all that and yet here you are doing this like really?!?! you say we'll talk about it but again we dont and im just left with more questions and im more upset and you clearly knew that you just didnt and dont care. Sunday i call and call and call because we have something to discuss we talk about it as much as we can and theres nothing that can be done about it that was clearly established. So again i bring up the other issues hoping to get those cleared up more and i ask what was the point of all this and where do i stand now but all you have to say is "well i just got home and i need to go inside ill talk to you more about this" an all i can say is "and then this happens, do you really get everything i just said do you understand" you said yes and i asked really because it seems like it just went right over your head and you said it didnt that we would talk about it. but guess what we never did and i never heard from you again. its been 2 months now since you ruined me and turned my world upside down. and im now wondering just how many other girls have you done this to, how sincere were you with all you said tome, did you even really like me or was i nothing more than a 4 day fuck?..you used me. and yet i cant forget any of it, i wish i could be like you and just forget it all and forget a person like they dont exist as if it never happened. but i cant and it hurts so much to know that i cant erase you from me or my memory and i just want to go back and never agree to it to meeting you not if i knew id end up hurt again after so many years of keeping myself shut up from the world of dating or feelings and i thought i could let down my guard and allow myself to fall again and to think that a guy i told all that to that knew of how i was treated before and everything to a guy who treated me like no other who took me on my first date and i know i shouldve listened to my family i shouldve seen the signs but i thought it would all be okay but i didnt just get a life lesson or burned in the "world of love" i got something far worse. and you continue on like every things fine...im upset with me and im most of all upset with how you handled this. you thought by ignoring or avoiding me that it will go away but it wont and youve only made it worse. I just dont understand why you couldnt be the adult that you so claim to be or to be a man and just fucking be vocal about things like i told you from the very start, why couldnt you just say something like "hey you know it was great meeting you but i dont like you like i thought i did" or something, you think by ignoring or avoiding someone and playing victim that people will get the hint or that it will solve everything but it wont and it doesnt it just makes you a coward and childish. and i cant believe that after everything youve done and put me through with how youve treated me that theres a part of me that still likes you when i should hate you with everything i am but unfortunately it takes more effort to hate then it does to like and you cant just go to hating someone with the snap of your finger it unfortunately doesnt work like that...trust me ive tried.

[katsvra]

yyh and inuyasha !!!

hello miss falen!!!!!!!!!!!!!! thank yo u so mcuh omg such excellent taste in showss hhhh

yu yu hakusho

haven’t heard of it | absolutely never watching | might watch | currently watching | dropped | hated it | meh | a positive okay | liked it | liked it a lot! | loved it | a favorite

don’t watch period | drop if not interested within 2-3 episodes | give it a go, could be your thing | 5 star recommendation

fav characters: KURAMA!! and hiei, kuwa, yusuke, botan, koenma, keiko :o literally everyone i cant choose faves

least fav characters: toguro brothers!!! and also that one guy who kept beating up kurama after he was unable to fight >:((( and also i would include karasu because yuck but i also love his character design so :( 

fav relationship: yusuke and keiko are super cute !!!!! and i love the interactions between the main 4 so much :(( 

fav moment: too many !!!!!

when yusuke absolutey DESTROYED that asshole that kept beating up kurama, what an absolute power move. 

also !! like when yoko kurama’s “bang”? i dont know how to explain it but it like,,,, w woww love him

when kuwa was losing to that guy but he heard yukina and just immediately won the battle?? all that build up asdhjkasjkl

also all scenes where yusuke’s hair is down because Yes Please !

THAT ONE PONYTAIL KURAMA SCENE !! @ togashi why would u show us the potential of ponytail kurama and then never bring it back

that funeral scene for yusuke also Fucked Me Up 

so many so many i could continue forever and i havent even finished it yet sahlajadjlks

headcanons/theories: ???????? none 

unpopular opinion: ???????????????????? 

how’d you find it: miss falen you were live tweeting yyh and you were loving kurama so much and i got really interested because!!!! 90s anime !!!! and then i found out that kurama was a) a furry boy that was b) voiced by komaeda’s seiyuu and c) kinda looked like inuyasha when he is in yoko form and i was Sold

random thoughts: im really so glad that i started watching this and im surprised i didnt find it earlier!!!! its exactly the kind of anime i absolutely adore. i love the animation style so much,,,, like all 90s anime just looks really rounded and squish and faded if that makes any sense??? the characters are adorable and stupid but they all undergo so much growth ??? like their character change so much throughout the story???? and idk man the first ep made me cry and ive never not liked an anime that makes me cry. also im planning on watching the dub because apparently it is !!! really good!!!! so my game plan is to actually finish watching the series first and then watch the new ovas and then watch the dub so i can cry all over again good plan good plan

inuyasha

haven’t heard of it | absolutely never watching | might watch | currently watching | dropped | hated it | meh | a positive okay | liked it | liked it a lot! | loved it | a favorite

don’t watch period | drop if not interested within 2-3 episodes | give it a go, could be your thing | 5 star recommendation

fav characters: literally the entire main crew and also sesshomaru and rin and kohaku and koga

least fav characters: um i used to hate kikyo when i was a kid but like i dont anymore so i guess its just??? naraku now?? fav relationship: inuyasha & kagome !!!! literally my first ship ever, way before i even knew what that meant . they are just so dumb and cute :( fav moment: i have so many so like heres a list and also big fat spoiler warning ok 

okay so like that ep with the thunder brothers and inuyasha thought kagome and shippo were dead and passing onto the next world and totally freaked out until he realized that oops the blue glow was shippos dad all along, idk that scene was so funny to me

also fateful night in togenkyo at the end where kagome thought inuyasha died but he comes up and makes fun of them for crying like an Asshole, inuyasha ur so dumb sometimes

any scene w/ human inuyasha bc human inuyasha >> literally anything

also i rlly love the scene where inuyasha turned full demon and was like in the cocoon thing and i dont even remember what happened i just remembered loving it because i love pain

oh also scenes where inuyasha and koga keep trying to look cooler than each other to impress kagome as if they werent the biggest losers in the world, ya those scenes are great

theres like so many more please i will keep talking if yall dont stop me i love inuyasha so much

headcanons/theories: u would think that i have some but tbh nah

unpopular opinion: i actually like miroku ! like im 100% sure it has to do with the fact that ive loved his character for 10+ years and im sure i probably wouldve thought very differently of him if i had started watching recently instead

how’d you find it: ok so like when i was 6 or 7, i had this friend that would come over and watch anime with me and in the evenings, all the violent anime would air on Bionix and we thought it was so rebellious to watch Older Kid anime so we would watch it every week and one week inuyasha came on and it was the episode where he got absolutely impaled by a demon tree (which is like every other episode) and i was so scared that i cried. anyways thats my first memory of inuyasha and i havent stopped watching it since, i love that show so much my dudes

random thoughts: what can i even say? this show was my entire life. it still is my entire life!! when i first discovered it in first grade. then in third grade i developed a big fat crush on inuyasha. in sixth grade, i was teased and was so embarrassed by it that i stopped watching the anime and reading the manga. in tenth grade when i heard affections touching across time and i was hit with such a strong wave of nostalgia that i binged the entire series that month. and then when i watch the very last episode and i cried because this show that had been with me my entire life just ended and it left such a big hole in my heart. i dont always talk about it but i will never stop loving this show and its dumb characters and its ability to lift my mood no matter what, its my absolute fave. 

[lostandbrokenshell]

Darkest Before Dawn Part 6

Farcry 5 fanfic. Rated M for Mature language and sexual reference. No pairing or plans for smutt.

“So how did get in contact with the whitetails end up as tea with Jacob again?” Whitehorse asked exhausted

“Well you see to make sure the kids could get here safely, the dep here sacrificed herself to the peggies.” Sharky said with a nod. “They wouldn’t hurt her and there was only a couple of them. Hurk and i then brought the kids back here and waited for you to get back from your thing.”

“And it was coffee, let me tell you it was terrible coffee. It also ended up with me being drugged. So not the most ideal outcome, but i found and returned a deputy. So not a complete loss.” You say as you steal some of Sharkys jerky.

“Jacob made the coffee. Hes not much kitchen talented.” Pratt said “He still put you through the trials. But yours was different than everyone elses.”

“Different how?” Whitehorse asked.

“I only seen a couple... But even a couple of Jacobs peggies said it was different. Its usually all ‘Cull the heard’ ‘Kill the weak’ and rook’s, wasnt. I don’t know what it was, but it wasn’t what they normally are.”

“I don’t even remember.” You say as you shake your head. “Was having terrible coffee one second, waking up in peggie VIP solitary confinement the next.” You look around and jail at everything going and back to the Sheriff. “I think they will expect me to come here after busting out Pratt. I should go back into Johns region and make some noise there take the heat off of here.”

“I call shotgun!” Sharky yelled jumping up.

“Awe man.” Hurk groaned.

“Your right, this place might be more of a target now. Alright, go make some noise over there.” Whitehorse said with a nod.

“Thanks rook. I owe you one.” Pratt said with a nod.

“Buy me a beer when we’re in Canada. And its even.” You say with a smile.

“I hear canadian beer is thick like maple syrup.” Sharky said as you all head to the door

“That is definitely true.” You say “Most six packs come with a mini maple syrup bottle.”

“Awe man! That’s brilliant so you always have some for pancakes the next morning!” Hurk said excitedly.

“Most people are to hungover to make pancakes and suffer with the lesser cousin, frozen eggos.”

“Yeah, I usually eat that for breakfast after a kick ass party to” Sharky said as he hoped into the passenger side “Any ideas on where you want to go next?”

“Im stuck between ‘Thats fucking stupid’ and ‘How stupid are you’ ideas.” You reply as you start the truck.

“Im a personal fan of ‘How stupid are you.’ Ones” Hurk said from the back

“Ah! That one is, break into Johns house! And look for cult plans and that kind of things.” You say overly optimistically.

“Whats the ‘Thats fucking stupid’ plan?” Sharky asked looking at you with curiosity.

“Dress up like peggies, get into Johns vault and get out with Hudson. The get out part, is a little holey on the how details of the ‘how to’ part.”

“Wow, that really is. A fucking stupid idea dep.” Sharky said with great surprise. “At this point Jacob has probably shared your photo so everyone will know who you are and what you look like. Thats a very bad idea.”

“I agree which is why its in that category. I dont have much more for ideas, so im open to suggestions right now.”

“Lets do the house thing!” Hurk said excitedly from the back.

“Well, it’s probably got gaurds an stuff. I doubt he would leave it unguarded so I would need you two to make noise and draw them away. I will radio when i got stuff, or nothing.”

“What if you get caught or something?” Sharky asked

“Im golden, you know im safe, i will give three long clicks on the radio. Go wait at the spread eagle i will eventually give the slip to the peggies.” You say optimistically.

“You get caught, i give you one week to bust out or im busting you out.” Sharky said sternly.

“That is fair enough. I also have no clue where John lives so, im going to need directions at this point.”

“The Seed Ranch is that way, past Falls end.” Sharky said pointing to an upcoming road. “Hurk and I could start blowing shit up at the end of the air strip while you skidaddle on up the road to the house.”

“Theres an air strip? Does he keep planes there?” You ask excitedly

“Uh, i think so.” Sharky replied slightly confused.

“New plan! If there’s a plane, i take the plane! Theres another airfield right? Close by?”

“Yea the Rye’s airfield is up from the ranch” Hurk said.

“Sweet deal boys! We got our selves a plan! And hopefully a plane.”

You three sat at the end of the airstrip “You sure about this?” Sharky asked you nodded. “Alright then dep, we give you a five minute head start then we start blowing shit up to draw them away.” You flash a thumbs up and start running down the road hugging the busshes, crouching after a bit you heard a big explosion behing you followed by loud yelling from Hurk and Sharky. You start to move slightly slower and hug lower to the ground, ready to drop to the ground for cover at a moments notice. You could see the commotion up ahead, the peggies where scrambling to get things together. Head lights flared up and you drop and start army crawling in the ditch. When you heard the vehicles close you stop and wait for them to pass before you pop your head up. You couldn’t see anyone else coming so you go back to crouching and keep heading to the house. There was only a couple peggies left at the house, they didn’t seem to concerned about the commotion at the end of the road. They also were terrible gaurds a simple rock thrown in the opposite direction drew them in like blood in the water for a shark.

“Wow.” You say as you look walk in. The fireplace took you by surprise, the whole place was so beautiful. You start looking around and pick a random door to go through. It had model planes, some hanging from the ceiling others on stands throughout the room. They where all so beautiful and displayed with care. Did he build them?

“It keeps me busy in my down time.” Startled you turn around John was standing in the door way watching you. “I missed you JoJo. I looked for you. Spent lots of money on private investigators trying to find you. When you popped back up on radar i was hoping you would come sooner.”

“You should ask for your money back from the P.I’s, I’ve pretty much been in the same spot in Canada the whole time. But i missed you to, John. I missed all of you. I..” you pause “I remember you use to cry on my birthday. Something about being older and it should be your birthday first.” John looked slightly surprised you brought that up. “I think it was more about about for a month and a half we are the same age.” He got a small smile. “I, don’t know why i never came back until now. Maybe i was scared? I cant be sure on the answer honestly. I can be sure on whats going on right now. John this is not the way.” You grab on to your radio one click “Im going to put my radio down.” Two click John nodded and you put it on a table three click.

“You belong with your family JoJo. We missed you, we looked for you, we waited for you.” He put his hands up and turned around waving to everything. “This isn’t just mine, its ours, its our family’s. Edens gate, is ours, its our family what we are doing.” He took looked you in your eyes. “These people need saving, they just don’t know it. Its coming, and we will be ready.”

[flora-land]

Opposite

The past few months I feel like have been a complete blur. It’s as of there has been this person that has been living my life, going out, being happy, showing people how fun and exciting and funny I can be, but that person doesnt feel like me. I feel like I got so caught up in going out all the time, trying to have fun, drinking, saying yes to everything that I rarely got a minute for myself to do what I actually doing or take a minute to be mindful or think about myself. I got it into my head that I always had to be doing something, seeing people, never standing still. I never sat in my room on my own, I was just constantly moving or doing something and it was amazing anf fun for a while and I loved it but you cant do that constantly as eventually it will wear you down, and thats what happened. So we know I have destructive depressive tendancies, thats no shock, thats always been there and something I may never escape, however, it becomes so much more dangerous when I constantly supress these thoughts and feelings and ignore them until they hit me like a tidal wave and theres nothign I can do except feel entirely consumed by these feelings that I dont even recognise myself anymore. I’ve had these moments before, they consume me with no obvious trigger or reason, it can be one small negative thought that mkes the final blow into the huge crack which is my self-esteme. And so this happened at approximetly 3.30am on wednesday 3rd April (technically thursday but it makes more sense like this in my head). I honestly have no idea what triggered it, i had such a fun night out with my friends, didnt get too drunk, remember all of it, jsut had a fun time dancing and being silly. Stayed till the lights came on, left with my housemate, got home and soemthing started to feel strange in my chest, I started to feel this werid hatred and anger starting to brew inside of my body and i had no idea why but it made be start to feel so out of control of myself. I went into my room on my own and sat on my bed and began to spiral, the negative thoughts in my head were uncontrollable and the feeling was flowing throughout my whole body, I felt so tense and my whole body kept getting hot and cold with a tingling feeling all over. this feeling wasnt foreign to me from dealing with panic attacks my whole life, but this time something felt really different. I wasnt worrying about anything, stressed about anything, triggered by anything, all I could think about was my self loathing and how much I hated everything about me. I have never experienced it on this extreme level before, normally its just thoughts and crying and feeling shit on and off for a few days, but this was something else. I really hated myself, I wanted to hurt myself. I was terrified. It’s something which is impossible to understand until you go through it yourself but I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. So the next hour I spent battling with myself, my last few brain cells with any common sense fighting with the hatred, innevitably, they lost. It’s so so strange to me as i never ever thought I would becomenthis sort of person as i never understood it but when you’re so consumed by a feeling that you just want to get rid of feeling something else sort of makes sense. Its just a different feeling to focus on other than the black self loathing that surrounded my whole body. So yeah that was probably the lowest moment of my life so far. Its funny how it can jsut come out of nowhere, but in reality it didnt come out of nowhere, it had been building up for weeks and weeks but I had been ignoring it and pretending to myself and everyone around me that I was fine. Classic Flora move that lol. One good thing to come out of this all though is that i’m so lucky to have such amazing people around me who truely care about me, this is a first time that i’ve actually felt that I have people around me that I can really talk to about anything. One friend especially went truely above and beyond to make sure that I was okay and i’m still in shock that he did, he didn’t have to, he just did because he cares and it’s one of the first times in my life when i’ve felt that someone is doing for me what I would do for them. And it didnt come form someone who I expected it to, but it came from the person that I needed it to and i’m beyond grateful to have them in my life. I’m still learnign things about myself everyday, I feel like i’ve entered a new chapter in my life where aspects of my personality and things about myself are so so different that I don’t really understand them, but everyday i’m going to try to be more mindful and really pay attention in order to understand. One thing i’ve already learnt is that i’m such an extreme person, I never do anything in half, i’m either the happiest funniest most hyper person around, or i’m quiet, low and tired. There doesnt seem to be any inbetweens anymore but i guess that’s something i’ll have to work on understanding or controlling more. i’ve also learnt that i’ve very easily influenced and I dont even notice it, which is ironic as i’m also the most stubborn person ever. This is what i mean by the title of this post, 1) this post is opposite to my previous one where I was feeling happy and free and positive, and 2) its like I have two opposite personalities inside my brain and i dont konw which one is really me or which one is an act or whethe i’m just being influenced by other people or what makes me happier or feel more comfortable. Well at the moment it seems my head is just one big mess of thoughts and emotins that I need to work on organising. wish me luck. 

[themoneybuff-blog]

Inspiration from 7 Up, Lauren Oliver, Julien Baker, and More

Once a month (or so), I share a dozen things that have inspired me to greater personal, professional, and financial success in my life. I hope they bring similar success to your life. 1. Thoreau on happiness Happiness is like a butterfly, the more you chase it, the more it will evade you, but if you notice the other things around you, it will gently come and sit on your shoulder. Henry David Thoreau I spent a lot of years of my life chasing happiness, believing that I could somehow build a happy life. What I learned is that such an endeavor is basically impossible. Instead, you should try to build a life thats in line with what your values and principles are, and what youll find is that happiness naturally bubbles up as you get closer and closer to that destination. Happiness is a side effect of doing something worthwhile. When you do worthwhile things, happiness occurs naturally. If you chase happiness for happinesss sake, youll never actually catch it. [embedded content] From the Wikipedia entry on the series: The Up Series is a series of documentary filmsproduced by Granada Television that have followed the lives of fourteen British children since 1964, when they were seven years old. So far the documentary has had eight episodes spanning 49 years (one episode every seven years) and the documentary has been broadcast on both ITV and BBC. In a 2005 Channel 4 programme, the series topped the list of The 50 Greatest Documentaries. The children were selected to represent the range of socio-economic backgrounds in Britain at that time, with the explicit assumption that each childs social class predetermines their future. Every seven years, the director, Michael Apted, films material from those of the fourteen who choose to participate. The last installment, 56 Up, premiered in May 2012; Apted has stated that filming for 63 Up will occur in late 2018, for release in spring 2019. Apted has also been reported as saying: I hope to do 84 Up when Ill be 99. The aim of the series is stated at the beginning of 7 Up as: Why do we bring these children together? Because we want to get a glimpse of England in the year 2000. The shop steward and the executive of the year 2000 are now seven years old. The video embedded above (if you cant see it, you can reach it by clicking on the link) is the full documentary 7 Up, which covers the fourteen children as they were in 1964, as seven year olds. Each subsequent entry in the series revisits most of the children at seven year intervals in their lives, as things go in different directions for them. I watched these for the first time as a marathon in around 2002, when 42 Up was the newest entry available; I watched the entire series again a few years later after 49 Up was released, and yet again with the making of 56 Up. Each time it utterly charmed me and left me thinking about the fragility and difficulty and beauty of human lives. A few days ago, a friend of mine pointed out that all of the films were freely available on Youtube, so theres no reason not to dive in. This Youtube list contains the entire series, starting with 7 Up and continuing through 56 Up, the most recent entry. 3. Lauren Oliver on the whole of people I shiver, thinking how easy it is to be totally wrong about people; to see one tiny part of them and confuse it for the whole. Lauren Oliver I feel like this is a good quote to pair with 7 Up, actually. In that series and in fact, throughout our lives we get only relatively small glances at these people. We see only little slivers of their lives. Even with the best efforts of the filmmakers, this would be true; a filmmaker visiting a person for a few days once every seven years cannot capture their true nature. Yet, as I watch those films, I cant help but draw some conclusions. I think I would be friends with some of them, and Id probably avoid other ones. Those quick takes may or may not be accurate. Im making them based on really limited information about a person. I might be seeing that person at their best or at their worst. I might be seeing a quirky moment thats not emblematic of them as a whole. Its impossible to really tell. What I do know is this: some of the worst mistakes Ive made in life have been due to snap judgments about people, almost all of them more negative than they ever should have been. I drew some very negative conclusions about people and guided my behavior regarding them based on very little information mixed in with my own ideas and assumptions, and it has cost me many potential dear relationships over the years. The tiny part of a person that you actually see is a pretty poor representative of the whole. This article by Jason Fagone chronicles the store of Jerry and Marge Selbee, who, in their retirement, discovered and then exploited holes in the Michigan and Massachusetts state lottery systems. I found myself reading this article one evening while Sarah was busy grading papers, and I couldnt help but mention to her that this is literally the kind of thing that I can see us doing in retirement. Were both curious people who like to understand how systems work. We arent afraid to take big leaps of faith on things that we feel certain about. Id like to think that Sarah and I, in our later years, will go on a lot of quirky adventures, like Jerry and Marge. Im also sharing this because its just a fun story, a well written one by Jason Fagone. This ones really worth your time. 5. Benjamin Franklin on apologies Never ruin an apology with an excuse. Benjamin Franklin One of the hardest things to do is to genuinely apologize when youve made a mistake and not turn it into an excuse or an avenue for blaming others. Anything beyond I messed up is simply a way to deflect blame off of yourself and, in the process, make the apology a lot less valuable. An apology that ends up being nothing more than a redirection of blame or an excuse of a mistake is a worthless apology; in fact, youre often leaving things in an even worse state because the other person perceives that you wont own up to your mistakes. When you mess up, apologize sincerely without excusing your mistake or blaming others. Admit that you messed up, state that youre sorry for it, and that you want to do what you can to make it right and to make sure it wont happen again. Make it clear that its on you, not on anyone else. Its hard to do that. Its much easier to just shovel the blame onto someone or something else. If you do that, though, you eliminate virtually all of the meaning of the apology and look pretty weak to boot. [embedded content] From the description: Do you know what you want when you die? Do you know how you want to be remembered? In a candid, heartfelt talk about a subject most of us would rather not discuss, Michelle Knox asks each of us to reflect on our core values around death and share them with our loved ones, so they can make informed decisions without fear of having failed to honor our legacies. Life would be a lot easier to live if we talked about death now, Knox says. We need to discuss these issues when we are fit and healthy so we can take the emotion out of it and then we can learn not just what is important, but why its important. This whole video harkens back to a big theme Ive come to really understand in my life in the last few years. The best time to talk about something is when youre as far away from emotion as possible regarding that thing. So, for example, dont talk about death when youre sick. Talk about it when youre healthy and vibrant, so theres as little emotion as possible in the subject. When youre talking to your parents about aging, dont do it at their moment of weakness. Wait for a time of strength, when theyre feeling as healthy and unemotional as possible, and then have that discussion. Dont talk about a marital problem when youre both riding the wave of that problem. Talk about it when youre getting along well and youre far away from that problematic area emotionally. This is a key life lesson, one that has stuck with me over the years, and this video really highlights that idea. 7. Roy T. Bennett on self-improvement and criticism Let the improvement of yourself keep you so busy that you have no time to criticize others. Roy T. Bennett Unless criticism is asked for, criticism of others is rarely a worthwhile endeavor. It achieves very little and often has the opposite effect of what you desire, with the recipient ignoring the content of what youre saying and just being upset with you. Hold it in. If you dont have something worthwhile to say, then dont say it at all. That doesnt mean that one should never criticize. A person should definitely criticize from time to time, but it should generally be at the invitation of the person who seeks criticism and is looking for ways to improve. Brutal honesty doesnt achieve anything worthwhile. [embedded content] From the description: In March of 2016, just a handful of months after her debut album Sprained Ankle was released, Julien Baker came and played a quiet, thoughtful Tiny Desk concert that went on to become one of our most popular and certainly one of the most-talked-about Tiny Desk Concerts of the year. (Its now approaching two million views on YouTube alone.) Fast forward to the summer of 2017, when I heard that a new record was imminent. I dont usually ask an artist back for a second Tiny Desk Concert simply because they have a new release but for Julien, I had to make an exception. With all the love that surrounded her first visit to the NPR offices, I reached out to ask if she would be willing to do something different this time around. Last fall, she delivered. All the songs for her return to the Tiny Desk come from last years Turn Out The Lights. Just a few weeks before the albums release, she came to Washington; we tuned our piano, she brought violinist Camille Faulkner. The first two songs, Hurt Less and Even, were accompanied by Camille, with Julien on piano for the opening tune and acoustic guitar on the second. Its quite stunning, as she sings: Putting my fist through the plaster in the bathroom of a Motel 6 I must have pictured it all a thousand times I swear to God I think Im gonna die I know you were right I cant be fixed, so help me For the last, Julien put together an arrangement of Appointments that begins on electric guitar, which then was looped as a backdrop to her on piano and voice. Julien Baker is a massively talented songwriter with a deeply caring heart and a perfectionist streak all of which delivered to her a career-making year. We are so thrilled to have her return. Set List Hurt Less Even Appointments Shes just fantastic. Well worth a listen. 9. Inspirational notes For the last several months, about once a week or so, Ill stick a note inside of one of my childrens backpacks. Its a note card in an envelope with their name on the front, and on the inside, I just write a short note saying something I admire about their character and how I hope they share that with the world. It takes me about ten minutes or so to do this. I just stop for a little bit, think of some truly worthwhile characteristic that one of my children possesses, and then Ill write about it. Ill tell a quick anecdote about when I saw that characteristic used in a positive way, how I am incredibly proud that Im their parent when I see them using that aspect of themselves, a gentle encouragement to use that characteristic in other aspects of their life, and a general reminder that I love them. Thats it nothing fancy. I know that my kids have read the notes because of comments Ive overheard, but not one of them has said a word about them to me. I do know that theyre read, though, and I do know that theyre thought about, and thats enough. Will it make a positive difference? Maybe. I think it will, given enough time. Dont just get inspired. Be an inspiration. 10. Muhammad Ali on the pebble in your shoe It isnt the mountains ahead to climb that wear you out; its the pebble in your shoe. Muhammad Ali Its often one or two little details that make the difference between success and failure. You might be able to perfectly nail everything else you need for a diet, but its that mid-afternoon wave of hunger that you thoughtlessly indulge that undoes things. You might have perfect control over your spending except for that one little linchpin. Maybes its online spending at a particular website, or maybe its regular splurging on food. Whatever it is, theres often some little detail that puts a big scratch on the beautiful surface of your progress. The thing is, its far more meaningful to stop and pull that pebble out of your shoe than to keep on running for a little bit longer and just quit. Fix the little problems before they become big ones. [embedded content] From the description: When trying to come up with a new idea, we all have times when we get stuck. But according to research by behavioral and learning scientist Marily Oppezzo, getting up and going for a walk might be all it takes to get your creative juices flowing. In this fun, fast talk, she explains how walking could help you get the most out of your next brainstorm. Going on walks is unquestionably my most powerful creative tool. I dont have anything else in my repertoire that really compares to it. Its part of the reason why winters are often very hard in terms of writing productivity the weather rarely cooperates with the kind of long outdoor walk that I enjoy. While I enjoy winter in small doses, I wouldnt be surprised at all to find Sarah and I living further south in the winter months when we are older. I think it agrees much better with both of us. Still, I cant laud walking enough if youre trying to piece through a difficult idea in your head or youre trying to brainstorm some solutions. 12. JFK on strength Do not pray for easy lives, my friends. Pray to be stronger men. John Fitzgerald Kennedy Hoping that the future will become easier wont really help very much. Its very likely that the future wont become easier. Instead, recognize that your life right now probably is easier than it will be in the future and plan accordingly. Work a little harder today so you dont have to work quite as hard tomorrow. Save a little money today so you dont have to scramble tomorrow. Dont hope for an easier life. Work for a stronger you. https://www.thesimpledollar.com/inspiration-from-7-up-lauren-oliver-julien-baker-and-more/

[aeipathy-elysian]

Stop lingering.

I find it difficult. Some days I’m sat here, or laying in bed, and i realise the month of my diagnosis was probably the worst month i could have ever lived through… Not because i can remember the time at all. But because I’ve made a mental block to such a point, that its vanished into the void, of the abyss, of my mind. No matter how far i dig, no matter how deep or tall i clamber, that month is gone…

It makes me feel insane, i cant remember being told i was bipolar, i cant remember who i was sat with or what room i was in… i cant picture the paper, the pen, the colour of the god damn walls. I cant even remember what date it was.

What if i got it wrong, what if i read the paper wrong, what if they diagnosed me wrong, what if they perscribed me wrong. What if im so dang crazy i just delusioned the whole thing up?

I keep getting the thought that my heads lying to me, i keep feeling like im being watched, i keep loosing sight of whats important.

I feel like maybe theres a chance i could be worse than i think, but then i think theres a chance i could be better.

Then i get concerened because the only letters i can remember were B, P, D, which can stand for BiPolar Disorder aswell as Borderline Personality Disorder… but i believe that coincidence can be a thing in some lives… and ive just met a friend that significantly reacts simularly to how i do… she feels the same throughout the days, and although she may have lived a very different life, i feel as if weve lived the same one in ways. Everytime she explains how her head works and why things could be difficult, i cant help but feel shes explaining my head… this friend has BPD, and from what shes explained and what ive explained, our bipolar and bpd seem to be really very simular when it comes down to the deeper side of our minds.

I have friends who are Bipolar, and ive never had a connection with them, they dont see me as an equal or as bad as them, theyre confident and talkative, theyre loud and bubbly… they can say what they please to people, even if its demeaning… i feel like i can be that way sometimes but, i just dont feel like thats the answer anymore…

I can go from being anxious to manic to upset or angry or excitable all throughout the day, its a constant struggle knowing what mood im in and what mood may come about next. I feel it can be influenced by others aswell as myself. From what ive been told Bipolar comes in waves... and i get those too, i get the weeks/months/years on a depressive or a manic, but i still get all of the emotions in between during those times? What the fuck does this mean?!! Can personality disorders evolve and change?

Being Bipolar, you usually have to have a genetic already there to form the disorder, or have a quite a big traumatic experience in your lifetime that effects your life in more than one angle. I feel as if all the traumatic experiences ive been through have been adding slowly onto the same problem, i cant see a time specific to when shit started happening, it just did, i remember not being ao emotional, i remember when i was younger i never had issues like this. I feel like this is aomething ive formed over time.

I feel like i need to go to my GP and ask to look at my records. Am i allowed to do that? I ran from my issues so much that i know so little of what they studied of me.

I wish i would have listened that month, i wish i wasnt such an ignorant bastard to myself, maybe if i actually paid attentiok back then and attempted to help my head, things would be different?

Maybe im completely wrong, maybe the delusion is that i cant remember when at the back of my mind i might actually be able to recall everything? What is this.

I feel betrayed by myself, how do you control feelings of being lost like this

I feel like i dont know who or what i am anymore, its like a mystery that my paranoia and anxiety will never let me undig.

Im in the middle of an existential crisis. I dont know whats wrong with my head, and i think i want to know, but sometimes im just really not too sure.