#these connections are deeply valuable to me and some of my happiest memories are here

[kafus]

in the grand scheme of things being 23 is not that old and using the internet for socializing and fandom since i was ~10, so 13 years, is also not that long, but i really cherish a lot of the spaces i've been in and the people i've met over that time, even though they were transient. there will be a time too where i fall out of love with kaf's music, or she quits being a vsinger/being kaf, whatever happens first, and i will only be able to look back at this time with nostalgia for the thing that carried me through my early adulthood years. there will be people who i've met who have touched my life in minuscule or massive ways that will become a relic of the past and their names will blur and they'll move on to new handles and i will never be able to contact them again. and i think that's beautiful even though it makes me sad too

[rainbowcarousels]

You can blame @aimeelouart for asking about my keeping track of how each relationship between AGSZC progresses for the fact this meta now exists. It was somewhat hastily written in the back of my maths textbook so please excuse the lack of polish and put it down to the fact I couldn’t take another 2 hours of algebra.

Fives Company, not a Crowd

Relationships with Love

(or how AGSZC functions in the JBSWM universe*)

Cloud

Love is something that is given without expectation of return. This is applicable both platonically and romantically, he's willing to put everything on the line for the people he loves but he doesn't really expect them to do the same for him. Some of that comes from the fallout from his and Tifa's trip up the mountains and the subsequent responsibility placed on him for that but other parts stem from wanting to feel included but not being able to put himself out there so it's a lot easier to  be prickly and pretend you don't care when in reality, I think Cloud loves incredibly deeply and it's why he's easily hurt by it no matter how strong a front he puts up. At eighteen, he's still trying to find a balance between keeping everyone at bay so he doesn't get hurt and letting himself figure things out and take those risks. There's a fun parallel to Sephiroth there in that neither cut themselves any slack for mistakes so it's hard to get out there when you might make one when making a mistake – especially in his first real adult relationship –  feels like the end of the world. His only really obvious love up till that point is his mother and I do think he misses her a lot, but is also deathly afraid of letting her down and that weighs on their relationship.

The rest under the cut!

Zack

Loves to love (and he loves to dance, kudos to anyone who got that reference). The walking embodiment of a carebear, loves quickly, easily and casually. The more affection and love you throw at him, you'll get it back tenfold. The trick with Zack is that he lives his life with his heart so open that he has a natural connection with most people but it does make it more difficult to spot the differences between puppy love and intense, romantic love. This is one of the reasons he and Gen clash so much, Gen is 10000% passion and intensity and Zack always seems casual even when he's not. Ultimately, Zack is only 20 and still has a lot of trouble balancing his life between love, friendship and work. Since he's a social creature by nature compared with Cloud's more introverted nature, he's pretty decent at reading people and what they're feeling and absolutely wants to listen to them and hear about what they're feeling instead of having to guess. Compared with any of the other four really, he grew up with a strong sense of his social community and it helped instil a lot of compassion and resilience in his ability to love.

Sephiroth

Big yikes on this front. A walking talking advertisement for dysfunctional attachment and it would not surprise me in the least if he has some kind of attachment disorder as a leftover from a childhood which has probably left it's fair share of emotional scars. If I consult my Master timeline (and my attempts to make sense of Gast's timeline since he appears to have left Shinra on a fact finding mission around the time Sephiroth was born and left again for real this time two years before Aerith was born taking Ifalna with him), his first experiences of emotional connection are Hojo (yikes), Gast (who must come back sporadically from his fact finding between 1979 and 1983 so even before he dies when Sephiroth is four it's probably difficult to pinpoint as a positive attachment), Ifalna (here is where I get a little creative with canon but I do quite like the idea that if she did end up at Shinra before Gast left that he would have wanted to be like LOOK AN ANCIENT BABY and have her be like um no no that is not but also he was probably a toddler at the time and has no real strong recollection of her) and then SOLDIER. We know he served with adult SOLDIERs so I really doubt he connected in any strong way with them having had an extremely sheltered upbringing and oh yeah HE'S TWELVE. Man this one needs splitting up because it's Sephiroth.

So Enter Gen & Angeal when he's around 13, maybe closer to 14. What we know from Zack!Cloud and see from some of Zack's memories in CC, Sephiroth is not cruel but he is a hell a taskmaster and I think there's two big reasons why I put his connection with Angeal first. One, Angeal is a hard worker, he tries to do as much as he can and get himself out there and Sephiroth can respect that.Genesis on the other hand is talented, which...means he actually has to work hard at the things that don't come naturally to him for the first time and since he had the hero worship thing going on and Sephiroth was not social, they did not get along easily until they had a better understanding of each other. This is the same understanding that Gen gradually loses through degradation in canon, whereas Angeal and Sephiroth remain close-ish. Two, Angeal doesn't take anything personally and remains at a respectful distance, even when trying to connect. Sephiroth for his part was perplexed by his continual attention and has no idea what to make of it. It's only when Angeal is still doing it a few months down the line, when Gen has calmed down a little from his perceived slight, that they're able to forge stronger connections and I think there's a tandem effect with those two where Angeal is emotionally open and unobtrusive and Gen is not about to talk about anything emotional but he's physically affectionate. Most importantly of all, they aren't afraid of him, even the parts that a lot of other SOLDIERs may find disturbing, Angeal wants to just check in on and Genesis is mostly thinking 'meh, I could do that'. So ultimately, what would end up being his relationship with love is largely impacted by people who keep him at a distance or leave for a long time and then it's like a bus, you wait for one friend and two come along at once.

So then we have his concept of love being defined largely by friendship because his concept of it is so heavily defined by two people who were friends with each other and him first. The potential problem being that his world gets very wrapped up in only two people and as such, he's obsessive and possessive of them because it's all he has. Then Zack comes along and he's hyper affectionate, social, loving basically in a way he hasn't really had thrown at him and he doesn't fully know what to do with. To a degree, Cloud is easier – he's independent, prickly and does not get on with people which for him is relatable. Zack comes in like nothing he's ever experienced and the way he loves is so different that it's left him trying to figure out how he feels about this new kind of love coming into his life.

Angeal

Hands down a nurturer. It's all about putting his time and energy and heart into a relationship and letting whatever kind of love blooms happen naturally. While I don't think he forms connections easily, he tries to keep himself open and supportive of people around him and that lends itself to connecting with people. I do think he had a strong, loving role model in his parents (well, mother and stepfather, fuck you Hollander) and he had good relationships with them so he has some model by which to judge what love looks like. I also think canonly this is the thing he never really gets over losing, his mother and his connection to his parents.

I think Genesis has always been his great love story. They were, when they were a couple, one that would tell the story of how they met bit by bit until Angeal let Genesis take over telling it because he knows Gen never ever stops talking. I think it's one of the reasons they work well together – Angeal has the calm, quiet and cosy sort of love compared with Genesis who is passion and intensity 24/7. They balance each other out because Angeal does also try to push at his partners to behave, he will be passive aggressive or take small measures to try and correct things (a good example in 7s9s is that he will lock the liquor up knowing Genesis can break it but it's the fact he at least tried to get him to behave that helps him sleep at night) but ultimately, he is more passive as a person. When it was just the trio, Sephiroth added to some of the calm from Angeal but also more than matches Gen for obsessiveness. As things progress, Zack's casual nature adds to the calm but his excitement adds to the intensity and Cloud's introversion adds to the quiet but he's also a mouthy little shit.

One of the major things Angeal brings to the table is that his default setting is to care, same as Zack and that everyone at this table needs taking care of in some way. Cloud is obvious, he's struggling the most but he also feels that way with Zack because he can't completely separate the mentor-ship role even he tries to respect Zack as a First Class in his own right, Sephiroth has so few connections that being able to read him and react in a way as needed is extremely valuable and Genesis is just extremely responsive to the first instance of a seemingly unconditional love in his life and even if he would hate to admit it, loves that Angeal tries to take care of him. I think he's happiest when he can express how he feels to each person in turn in their own language and watch them respond.

Genesis

I think with Genesis there's a very large difference between his relationship with love and his relationship with romance. Romance is easy, he can be lyrical and affectionate and flirtatious at the drop of a hat but the emotion behind it being love is tricky at best. For some reason, I've always viewed him as someone who was a very clingy kid, who wanted parental attention constantly, was constantly seeking reassurance and often didn't get it. We know that Gen at that point was confined to Banora so I do think his parents would leave a decent amount when he was young and it's one of the reasons he latches on so hard when he meets Angeal. Angeal is not only present all the time but wants his attention and doesn't seem to mind that he chatters on and on. It's probably something to do with the idea if he keeps talking, he'll stay longer or trying to just fill silence because I think quiet disturbs him on some level because he's actually terrified of loneliness.

As he's gotten older and he turned out to be good at a few things, he got some of the loving responses he'd wanted but I also think as much as this reinforced the idea love is earned and you have to pay for it, a part of him from Angeal, from seeing his parents relationship with him covetously, knows that love can be unconditional but fears it's not so for him and probably spent a great deal of their early romantic relationship waiting for Angeal to realise and leave.

It's why his relationship with Sephiroth when they make the decision to expand the relationship to include him is initially categorised as casual, he can walk away any time and so can they, it's super casual, okay? Except I don't really think it was, it was just an out and then with Zack, he has no out. Zack is happening and it's love or bust. There's no out and then Zack does not seem that into making an effort and he is Not Happy about that. If you then contrast that to Cloud, who is incredibly responsive to his attentions but without demanding it. There's a lot of control on his end when it comes to his relationship with Cloud so it felt a lot less high stakes. Then Hojo happened and all of that went out the window because it was obvious how deep in he was at that point, he was willing to try and comfort Zack and keep him out of trouble, he was willing to care for Cloud in a way that isn't totally to his nature (if Angeal is the gardener, he's a very finicky plant – needs much attention and the right amount of everything to grow properly and will pretend to be dying if you miss a day) and show concern where he would usually rather jump off the plate headfirst than show emotions that vulnerable.

*This is your standard disclaimer that this only applies to how I see them in this verse, it's not applicable elsewhere but I might use examples from elsewhere to back up the point.

[lilyreads2020]

Week One: YAL & Me

Growing up, I had a lot of positive experiences with YAL. I was a huge Harry Potter fan; I remember reading Harry Potter and The Goblet of Fire way past “bedtime.” Back then, I didn’t recognize the portrayal of the character Rita Skeeter from the series as evidence of Rowling’s transphobia, or the characteristics of the goblins as evidence of anti-semitism. I just loved Dumbledore’s optimism, his belief that “happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light,” and the series’ concept of the Dementors as metaphors for depression - soul-sucking creatures that can be fought off (but not killed) by thinking of one’s happiest memories. The Harry Potter series took me several years to finish because my mom told me that one of my favorite characters died in the fifth book, so I waited to read that one (Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix) until I thought I was ready for his death. I still deeply appreciate the series, although I am aware that some parts of it are problematic. I certainly wouldn’t say it needs to be withdrawn from shelves for its content, as the extremest of the extremists in YAL cancel culture might say.

As a teenager, I read almost every book by John Green: Looking For Alaska, Paper Towns, The Fault in Our Stars, Turtles All the Way Down, and Will Grayson, Will Grayson. Revisiting Looking For Alaska, I don’t think I had the same reaction of wanting to avoid reading the descriptions of Alaska’s body (the female character, not the state) by its teenage male protagonist closely then that I do now. 

I also read dystopian young adult novels, such as Matched, The Hunger Games series, The Maze Runner, part of Legend, and others. Also, I read realistic fiction from authors besides John Green, such as It’s Kind of a Funny Story, Speak, The Perks of Being a Wallflower, Every Day, and others. And then there were the young adult novels I read for class: Shipbreaker, The Book Thief, The Giver, To Kill a Mockingbird, The Absolutely True Diary of a Part-Time Indian, and others. There was also the book one of my best friends had to read for class that I read at her house because I was bored: Chinese Cinderella. The audiobooks that I listened to lying down, with my mom, when I needed to sleep or take a break from the real world, and the YA books in print, like the Harry Potter series, that we read together. 

One of the negative biases I have towards the field of YAL is that the plots can be shallow and filled with boy-girl drama/ drama revolving around characters being infatuated with other characters. I think I got the idea that YAL can be shallow from reading others’ reviews of the Twilight series, which is only one book among many in the YAL field.  I acquired the belief that YAL books are mostly about love from making generalizations about popular YAL books I haven’t read in a while, such as Two Boys Kissing and The Fault in Our Stars. However, I realize that at least two of these books definitely have something deeper in them than two characters who are crushing on each other. Two Boys Kissing, for instance, also deals with AIDS, the threats of assault that gay people face, parent-to-child relationships, friendships, and death - not just two boys who like kissing each other. The Fault in Our Stars isn’t just about star-crossed lovers; it’s also about cancer, grief, parents and friends, books (in a meta sense), support groups, and so much more. I definitely wouldn’t call The Hunger Games shallow, and it doesn’t revolve around a love interest, even though it’s a very popular YAL series. So, although there is much more evidence to support the negative bias of YAL as revolving around protagonists’ love interests than there is of YAL having tendencies towards shallow plots, I don’t think either bias is necessarily true - YAL fiction, I think, is actually a form of media that provides an outlet for young adults to think deeply, and about many, many more ideas than crushes or popularity. 

I don’t know a lot about the Twilight series; but I’m not sure how much I want to know about the Twilight series. I’ve never been that interested in the prospect of choosing either a werewolf or a vampire for a romantic partner, so I’ve never read it.

 But now that I think about it, it’s odd how dismissive I am of a book I haven’t even read one paragraph of. So, the controversy I read about was how popular opinions of the Twilight fan base may be more to blame for the public’s dislike of the series than the content of the series itself. The author of the article I read, Ryan Moore, states that “when a specific piece of media has a predominately teenage and female audience, it is immediately seen as ridiculous and stupid,” citing people’s opinions of the boy band OneDirection and the show Glee as non-literary examples of this. Like OneDirection and Glee, Twilight has a predominately teenage and female audience, so it is seen as stupid. I don’t think this bias is justified, and even if Twilight isn’t particularly appealing to me, I think it still is a valuable work of literature that can entertain its readers and connect them with other “Twi-hards.”

 Here’s a link to the article I read,  “Why the Twilight Renaissance is a Feminist Movement:”https://www.genrisemedia.com/2019/10/03/why-the-twilight-renaissance-is-a -feminist-movement/    

[voicesfromthelight]

On Spirit Guides, Clairaudient Dictation, and The Difference Between Psychic and Mediumistic Information

One of the most valuable tools I have in my arsenal as a medium is that of taking clairaudient dictation. (Some people call it "inspired writing," but this definition doesn't feel quite accurate to me.) In contrast to channeling verbally, claircognizantly or clairvoyantly, pairing spirit communication with a tangible act that grounds the information in the physical dimension and records it, is one of the best ways to strengthen the link we have with the spirit world. There are some misconceptions out there about “automatic” writing, including a few I harbored myself before figuring out how to develop this skill, that may keep many people hoping to learn how to channel from breaking through plateaus in their communication. So, today, I’d like to clear some of these up and teach my readers how to get started.

Before we go into the technique of writing by clairaudient dictation itself, we will need to backtrack a bit. As with any clair-sense, part of the challenge for the medium or psychic is to differentiate whether or not a given impression is coming from their own consciousness, or from spirit. And this is where the biggest difference between psychic information and mediumistic information - a crucial difference I wish I had been taught earlier in my practice - comes into play. Though these two modalities of information utilize the same clair-senses in order to be received, psychic information and the interpretation of mediumistic spirit communication run on two semi-separate, though interrelated, systems. The language and currency of both psychic reading and mediumistic communication is what we call “energy” (in the metaphysical sense, not necessarily as per the exact scientific definition.) However, the difference is that when we read a person, object or situation psychically, we are actively perceiving and interpreting the energetic imprints, streams of events, memories, emotions and physical elements within their fields, whereas the energetic impressions of mediumistic communication are received much more passively from a different source - intelligences or entities transmitting information directly from spirit. It’s kind of like the difference between watching a pre-recorded video of a person talking, and engaging in, say, a live video chat with them from another country. (How I know this to actually be true is the subject of a whole other post. Just bear with me for now.) So, while certain types of spiritual work, such as psychic reading or healing, may require us to “dig into” the personal energy field of the person we are working with and actively think about the various cues we are receiving, mediumistic work requires us to learn how to quiet ourselves completely, until we are as blank a slate as possible, ready to receive spirit communication. This passive reception is what differentiates clairaudient dictation from stream-of-consciousness.

In the spirit of full disclosure, I will share that the way I figured out how to bring my clairaudience to the fore and eventually, to channel verbally, after decades of previous psychic practice, involves a method that is deservedly somewhat controversial within the field of evidential mediumship: initial spirit board work, done exclusively with high-vibration spirit guides I was already aware of. Indeed, this technique should not be used by people inexperienced with meditation, visualization, energy work and psychic protection, nor is it necessary to do so. (I myself abandoned plans to teach this particular method precisely because it could too easily be misused.) It is definitely not the only way to learn how to channel. However, if you look at the history of some of the world’s most respected teachers of channeling (including the wonderful Sanaya Roman, whose book, “Opening to Channel,” I heartily recommend), there are in fact quite a few stories that follow a trajectory similar to mine. Contrary to popular misconception, it is possible to communicate with high-level spirit guides through spirit board work, as long as one approaches the work well-prepared, with absolute discipline, joy, gratitude and love. (I cannot stress enough the importance of energetic preparation.) You will know a tree by its fruits. However, because this method is not fool-proof even for the experienced, I will not go into further detail on it here. What I learned from it was how to be receptive to spirit, communicate verbally, and raise my vibration high enough to meet my guides half-way. One need only replicate these effects to be able to tap into clairaudient streams of information as effectively as I learned how to do. So, here is how you can do that with a method that is safer, and tool-free.

1. If you have not yet learned how to contact your spirit guides, begin to build your connection and strengthen your energy body through frequent meditation and meticulous self-care.  Chakra-clearing meditations are indispensable for this. Please review some of my lessons on chakra clearing and preparation, and begin to incorporate them into your practice, preferably on a daily basis. Raise your energy by eating healthily, listening to music that makes you happy, and through activities such as engaging in affectionate interactions with people, walking in nature, laughing, doing something creative, beautifying your environment, and making gratitude lists. Strive to become the happiest, most balanced version of yourself you can be! Also, begin to pay attention to how your thoughts manifest themselves verbally in your mind. What does your inner voice sound like?

2. When you are comfortable meditating and clearing your chakras, and feel ready to meet your spirit guides, go into a meditative state, close your eyes, and envision your heart chakra filled with golden light. Imagine this light expanding to fill your aura in a protective, golden bubble. Fill your heart with as much excitement, joy, anticipation, love and trust as you can. Suspend any disbelief. (Be playful about this, if that helps.)  Then, in your mind, invite your highest, most loving, wise and helpful spirit guide to appear before you. If no-one appears, say “thank you” anyway, come out of meditation, and try again another day. If a being of light does enter your field of vision, thank it for making itself known to you, and begin a conversation. See if you communicate with it most effectively through thought, word, vision, smell, sound, taste, feeling, or a combination of all of these. You may ask for a name, but this is not mandatory. If you do receive a name, accept the first one you hear. In the unlikely event that the being that appears in your vision makes you feel uncomfortable, do not fret. Just say thank you and goodbye, and send them off with blessings. Sometimes, more than one guide will present themselves to you. This is how I met Natalie, and my other main guide, Salvador.

3. Get to know your guide or guides by inviting them into your presence when you meditate or do energy work. You can also ask for assistance with various tasks or challenges throughout your day. In your mind, address your guide, explain your situation, and ask them to help you. (I prepare my guides for readings by letting them know days in advance who our next client will be. That way, when I go into the reading, they are raring to go and do not even need to be told what questions the client has.) You may notice new ideas and solutions popping into your head, little synchronicities helping you out, or, the next time you meditate and invite your guide, they may appear to offer advice.

4. Ask your guide or guides if they would like to communicate with you through clairaudient dictation. If they say yes, you can move on to the next step. If they say this is not part of their expertise, you can ask them to appoint another high-level guide who will be able to communicate with you in this way. (In my case, the guides who come through in writing often tend to be part of a collective consciousness that is broader than Natalie or Salvador individually.)

5. When you get the go-ahead, buy yourself a nice new notebook, and sharpen up a pencil. Go into a meditative state. Ask your spirit guides to come close, relax as deeply as possible, and begin to draw with a free hand, not thinking about what you are drawing, and inviting your spirit guides to guide your hand. Do this for a few pages, not thinking about the result. Do not worry about the drawing looking like anything in particular. Just feel the energy of the movement as an expression of feeling, and the freedom of your hand. Thank the guides for working with you. Then, begin to write, with the same freedom of expression. It is important here to not think too much about the meaning of the words, or even the grammatical correctness. Just express verbally a feeling you are getting. Write full sentences, without worrying about their coherence. You can start by writing free association, but the goal is to move beyond active association to a state where the mind is as passive and relaxed as possible. The first few attempts will probably be word salad. Don’t worry. This will change. The process of learning to channel is like tuning a radio to a precise frequency and learning to tune out the interference. This is what this step is about.

6. Now, the most important part: Let your mind go completely quiet and blank. Then, ask a question you would like your guides to answer. Write it down. Go completely quiet again, and listen. As soon as you hear a word, write it down. Do not think about the meaning, or the structure of the sentence. Do not continue writing until you hear the next word. Trust what you hear, and do not worry about what you think the next word should be. When you are truly channeling, you will be able to write paragraphs of information in coherent, eloquent text, one word at a time, with no idea of how a sentence you have begun to write, will end. Do not rush through this process. If you feel your conscious mind interfering with the message you are receiving, take a deep breath, quiet your mind again, and listen, almost as if you were in the process of falling asleep. When a word is coming from spirit, it will repeat itself and not change until you have written it down.

7. When you are done, do not only thank the guides mentally, but write down your thanks after your message. Say goodbye. Come out of meditation. You might not even remember fully what you have written. Now read your answer. Congratulations! You will know you are truly channeling spirit when the text is coherent, eloquent, insightful, compassionate, evidential (in the case of readings tied to events in the physical world), and carries wisdom greater than what you thought you were capable of.

If it takes a while to get the hang of this, do not get discouraged. Even when you succeed at this technique, it is normal for channeling abilities to fluctuate with our general energy levels, circumstances, etc.. Keep practicing, and you will be amazed at the ease with which you will be able to receive higher guidance.

How do you get guidance and information from your guides? Have you ever tried channeling through writing? How did it go? Let me know if you try this method, and how it works for you!