#these are my first shoes in a long time (not counting my crocs or church heels) that don’t have ankle support

[doctorsiren]

Fulfilling a childhood dream 💖

now to figure out how to not fall and die while using them

[hoodoo12]

1. middle names: starts with a C

2. age: 31

3. birthday: 9 january

4. zodiac sign: Western: Capricorn; Chinese: Rat

5. favourite colour: atm yello

6. lucky number: three

7. pets: currently two dogs, a Basenji and an Aust Cattle Dog

8. from: Ohio

9. height: 5'4"

10. shoe size: 10

11. pairs of shoes: several pairs of Crocs for work, a pair of boots, a fancy pair of boots I bought to wear for a show, knock-off Birkenstock sandles, and my favorite pair, a 'shoe' with a non-slip tread but the tops are like socks

12. last dream: recently I can't remember any

13. talents: sarcasm, quoting lines from movies or the Simpsons that no one else gets, laughing at myself, writing, placing IV catheters and ET tubes, talking to dog breeders when they're upset at the vet

14. psychic ability: nah 15. favourite song: I'm really digging Stan Rogers atm

16. favourite movie: Time Bandits, The Thing

17. ideal partner: lucky to have found him

18. children wanted: wanted is different than had

19. church wedding: it was a chapel

20. religious: The Satanic Temple is looking better and better every day

21. hospital visits: many due to horse-riding accidents and eye surgeries

23. legal trouble: no

24. celebrity encounters: yes, several

25. bathing preference: showers

26. current sock colour: none (I'm barefoot at the moment)

27. famous: nah

28. favourite music genre: Irish folk

29. want to be a big celebrity: I would like to be well known under a pen name

30. skinny dipping: yes

31. number of pillows: 1

32. sleeping position: side sleeper

33. typical breakfast: tea (hot or cold depends on the season), cereal, and a banana

34. fired a gun: yes

35. tried archery: yes

36. favourite clean word: obliette

37. favourite swear word: fuck is used most often, cunt when I want to really drive the point

38. sleep deprivation record: two days

39. scars: numerous

40. secret admirer: nope

41. good liar: yes

42. good judge of character: I don't even know any more

43. other accents: not well, no

44. strong accent: Midwestern American

45. favourite accent: I like Welsh

46. personality type: INTJ

47. most expensive piece of clothing: I . . . don't know

48. tongue curling ability: yes

49. innie or outie: innie

50. handedness: right

51. arachnophobic: no

52. favourite food: lychees

53. favourite foreign food: too many to choice from

54. clean or messy: messy

55. most used phrase: for the love of god

56. most used word: fuck

57. length of time to get ready: less than 30 minutes

58. ego: nah

59. suck or bite lollipops: suck

60. talk to myself: all the time

61. sing to myself: all the time

62. good singer: I think I'm pretty good in the car

63. biggest fear: losing loved ones

64. gossip: you just pull that chair right up beside me and we'll go through all the dirt you have and I'll tell you all the dirt I have

65. best dramatic movie: Twelve Angry Men

66. long or short hair: short but growing it out

67. name all 50 states: yes, plus the capitals

68. favourite school subject: writing

69. extrovert or introvert: introvert

70. scuba diving: NO

71. nervous about: the fucking state of politics in the US and the existential dread of the orange shit stain being re-elected

72. scared of the dark: no

73. correcting others' mistakes: I try to control myself but yes

74. ticklish: no

75. started a rumour: no

76. position of authority: no but I act like I do

77. underage drinking: nope!

78. done drugs: believe it or not, nope!

79. first real crush: I can't remember that far back!

80. piercings: yes

81. R-rolling ability: no

82. typing speed: not as good as I want it to be

83. running speed: In the immortal words of Gimli: "I'm a natural sprinters, very dangerous over short distances, and my athleticism is wasted on cross-country."

84. hair colour: grey and loving it!

85. eye colour: stirred up silt at the bottom of a stagnant pond

86. allergies: penicillin, fools

87. journal: I keep track of the books I read. Does that count?

88. parents' occupations: mother was a nurse before she died, dad worked in local government

89. like my age: yeah

90. gets angry about: people who cannot trouble-shoot anything on their own. Assholes who mistreat animals. People who are proud they don't read.

91. like my own name: No. I dislike it so very much

92. thought of baby names: Yes, for future dogs

93. want a daughter or son: (see #18)

94. strengths: calm and take charge in an emergency, can cook/bake, hunting

95. weaknesses: my back hurts, sometimes get overcome by what happened in the past . . . wait, were the last two supposed to specifically be about surviving after the apocalypse?

96. how I got my name: I don't want to talk about it

97. royal ancestry: nah

98. scars: just because it repeats doesn't mean I'm going to trip up during this interrogation

99. bedspread colour: a pinkish kaftan quilt with birds and flowers of various colors

100. room colour: the room I am currently in is purple. Other rooms in the house are yellow, teal, ombre grey, forest green

Get To Know Me Uncomfortably Well

PLEASE DON’T LET THIS FLOP AHHHH

1. What is you middle name? 2. How old are you? 3. When is your birthday? 4. What is your zodiac sign? 5. What is your favorite color? 6. What’s your lucky number? 7. Do you have any pets? 8. Where are you from? 9. How tall are you? 10. What shoe size are you? 11. How many pairs of shoes do you own? 12. What was your last dream about? 13. What talents do you have? 14. Are you psychic in any way? 15. Favorite song? 16. Favorite movie? 17. Who would be your ideal partner? 18. Do you want children? 19. Do you want a church wedding? 20. Are you religious? 21. Have you ever been to the hospital? 22. Have you ever got in trouble with the law? 23. Have you ever met any celebrities? 24. Baths or showers? 25. What color socks are you wearing? 26. Have you ever been famous? 27. Would you like to be a big celebrity? 28. What type of music do you like? 29. Have you ever been skinny dipping? 30. How many pillows do you sleep with? 31. What position do you usually sleep in? 32. How big is your house? 33. What do you typically have for breakfast? 34. Have you ever fired a gun? 35. Have you ever tried archery? 36. Favorite clean word? 37. Favorite swear word? 38. What’s the longest you’ve ever gone without sleep? 39. Do you have any scars? 40. Have you ever had a secret admirer? 41. Are you a good liar? 42. Are you a good judge of character? 43. Can you do any other accents other than your own? 44. Do you have a strong accent? 45. What is your favorite accent? 46. What is your personality type? 47. What is your most expensive piece of clothing? 48. Can you curl your tongue? 49. Are you an innie or an outie? 50. Left or right handed? 51. Are you scared of spiders? 52. Favorite food? 53. Favorite foreign food? 54. Are you a clean or messy person? 55. Most used phrased? 56. Most used word? 57. How long does it take for you to get ready? 58. Do you have much of an ego? 59. Do you suck or bite lollipops? 60. Do you talk to yourself? 61. Do you sing to yourself? 62. Are you a good singer? 63. Biggest Fear? 64. Are you a gossip? 65. Best dramatic movie you’ve seen? 66. Do you like long or short hair? 67. Can you name all 50 states of America? 68. Favorite school subject? 69. Extrovert or Introvert? 70. Have you ever been scuba diving? 71. What makes you nervous? 72. Are you scared of the dark? 73. Do you correct people when they make mistakes? 74. Are you ticklish? 75. Have you ever started a rumor? 76. Have you ever been in a position of authority? 77. Have you ever drank underage? 78. Have you ever done drugs? 79. Who was your first real crush? 80. How many piercings do you have? 81. Can you roll your Rs?“ 82. How fast can you type? 83. How fast can you run? 84. What color is your hair? 85. What color is your eyes? 86. What are you allergic to? 87. Do you keep a journal? 88. What do your parents do? 89. Do you like your age? 90. What makes you angry? 91. Do you like your own name? 92. Have you already thought of baby names, and if so what are they? 93. Do you want a boy a girl for a child? 94. What are you strengths? 95. What are your weaknesses? 96. How did you get your name? 97. Were your ancestors royalty? 98. Do you have any scars? 99. Color of your bedspread? 100. Color of your room?

[sirsapling]

MORE TAGGED POSTS

I got tagged in a bunch more things I didn't respond to fast enough, so UNDER THE CUT THEY GO. 

I have too many things to respond to, so I won't be tagging, but consider yourself tagged if you want to do any.

IT’S THE LITTLE THINGS

Tagged by the wonderful @bardingbeedle​

Pass the happy!🌻🌿 When you receive this, list 5 things that make you happy and send this to 10 of the last people in your notifications!

Lying in warm blankets in an cold room. Bonus points for snow outside.

A fresh Buzz cut

Talking to @bardingbeedle​

Having long, passionate rambles about the Marvel Ultimates

Hashbrowns, bacon, maple syrup, maybe a pancake, and a sausage too.

Tagged by the chaotic @s-hylor​

top 3 cities you want to visit: Toronto, again. Colorado (I know its a state not a city I just want to visit ashes AND GET SNOW). And I would like to go back to Italy again. (I also want to visit, just, all of my fandom friends but I don't want to drop all their locations lol)

favorite marvel character: Ults!Steve Rogers and then Ults!Tony Stark. Not counting stony, Anthony the brain tumor, and not counting clones, Gregory Stark.

white chocolate - yay or nay?: Love it, love it, love it.

favourite board game: God Save The Queens- A board game about Bees I invented with 3 other people at University last year for a project.

how many countries have you been to: 10, I have been very luckily graced with the ability to travel to Europe with school a lot.

(Wales, France, Belgium, Germany, Switzerland, America [Florida, Boston, New York], Spain, Portugal, Italy, and finally Canada.)

favorite thing to do on a rainy day: Anything indoors I might usually feel guilty about doing when its sunny. Tv or games particularly

favorite holiday: Christmas. I am a Christmas slut, call me festive sapling I LOVE Christmas.

pen or pencil: Pen. I once bought 7 in lisbon at the same time bc they were perfect and I didn't want to run out.

favourite kind of soup: Cupasoup Chicken noodle, I don't really like soups tbh, I like broths, and gravy type things I make too much of and eat like a soup (like golden Currys or korma sauces)

your typical order at a cafe or coffee shop: Caramel Frappucino or an iced Mocha. If I'm gonna pay a fuck tonne for coffee I'm gonna get a drinkable dessert.

favorite ride at an amusement park: Any slow rides that show you shit, like spaceship earth at EPCOT. I’m not really a speed dude.

the color of your sneakers: RED, red shoes are the shit folks, a good pair of red converse goes with everything.

favorite pbs show (or little kids show if you didn’t have pbs):  Uh I used to watch pokemon then winnie the pooh every single night. But little little kids show I used to watch a show called 64 zoo lane with my grandma so I have fond memories

Rules: name your favorite female characters from 10 different fandoms, then tag 10 people.

Tagged by the wonderful @ashes0909​

Natasha Romanov - Marvel Cinematic Universe

Carol Danvers - Marvel 616

Janet Van Dyne - Marvel Ultimates

Izumi Curtis - Full Metal Alchemist

Martha Jones - Doctor Who

Garnet - Steven Universe (if she doesn't count bc, space rock, Connie)

Rosa Diaz - Brooklyn 99

Ann Perkins  - Parks and Rec

Princess Caroline - Bojack Horseman

Pam Poovey - Archer

LOOK I know there was a lot of cheating here, but I don't have non marvel fandoms really, and I have a hard time remembering a lot of the TV I enjoyed.

Rules: Share your top 10 AO3 additional tags. Tagged by the mysterious @nigmuff​

look I don't know if I have enough tags to make this a justified representation, but the ones shown are v much on brand.

Fanfic trope meme

I was tagged by the delightful @capnstars​ and @crownofstardustandbone​

slowburn or love at first sight // fake dating or !!!secret dating!!! // enemies to lovers or best friends to lovers // oh no there’s only one bed or long-distance correspondence // hurt/comfort or amnesia // fantasy au or modern au // mutual pining or domestic bliss // smut AND fluff // canon-compliant or fix-it  // reincarnation or character death // one-shot or multi-chapter // kid fic or road trip fic // arranged marriage or accidental marriage // high school romance or !!!!middle-aged romance!!! // time travel or isolated together // neighbours or roommates  // sci-fi or magic au // body swap or genderbend  // angst or crack // apocalyptic or mundane

Look guys, I’m boring. I like domestic 30-40 year olds in secret relationships. We knew this.

And now buckle the fuck down folks because I'm about to answer 50 questions about me no one is gonna stick around and read.

tagged by @bardingbeedle​ the only person who would put up with reading this much about me.

What is the colour of your hairbrush?

I have a buzz cut, I don't have a hair brush anymore.

Are you typically too warm or too cold?

Too warm. I have been warmer than most people my whole life, and I often need to sleep with a fan on.

What were you doing 45 minutes ago?

Working on a sketch for an MTH fill (update from the end of this: I have spent an hour doing this fuckin thing)

What is your favourite candy bar?

Bounty. My favourite candy is Reese’s Pieces but I like a bounty. Or like, and chocolate without fruit in it tbh.

Have you ever been to a professional sports event?

Yes, one of my parents referees Championship Football here in the UK. I have been to a few of his games. I also went to the London 2012 Paralympic closing ceremony, if that counts.

What is the last thing you said out loud?

‘Oh, this will last me a few days’ I was talking to my mother about 1/2 a can of pringles, I was lying.

What is your favourite ice cream?

Vanilla. I am boring. But the best ice cream i’ve had was a cream/milk flavoured gelato in Florence, that shit slapped. I also like cheap strawberry ice cream when no one is trying to put strawberry bits in it.

What was the last thing you had to drink?

Dinner. A spinach, banana, summer fruits and coconut yoghurt smoothie (with extra raspberries). Its my nightly dinner to cheat more veg into my body.

Do you like your wallet?

Very much. It’s about 7-8 years old, it is faded to hell but it has spiderman and a pony ride stony pin

What was the last thing you ate?

See above smoothie comment, but if that doesn't count, a sugar free mint polo.

Did you buy any new clothes last weekend?

Nope. I don't buy as many clothes as I want to, bc mens clothes in larger sizes are hard to find or expensive here.

The last sporting event you watched?

F1, I don't keep up but I watch a little with my dad every now and then.

What is your favourite flavour of popcorn?

BUTTER. They don't really have it here, and I don't go to movies much when in the states. But @festiveferret​ introduced me to it when we saw Ant-man and the Wasp, and much like poutine and Tim Hortons, I still crave it.

Who is the last person you sent a text message to?

My dad. 

Ever go camping?

Yes, I was a Scout. I have done enough camping to not want to do more, it was fun when I wasn't organising it.

Do you take vitamins?

Yes, but not as often as I should, and as much as my mother bothers me too.

Do you go to church every Sunday?

Nope, not even when I considered myself christian. I go only go to church for other peoples events, and I’m an agnostic now.

Do you have a tan?

I cannot tan. I just can't, I burn lobster red in 5 minutes outside without literal sun cream for BABIES

Do you prefer Chinese food or pizza?

Chinese food, It was easily what taught me to like more foods also, I don't eat tomato so I can't have most pizza. I love a good garlic base/bechamel, but you can't really get that here easily (yes yes I could make my own but that ruins half the point of pizza)

Do you drink your soda with a straw?

I don't drink carbonated drinks, because its like drinking pain. The fuck is wrong with all of you.

What colour socks do you usually wear?

Various colours, but I consider red on the left, blue on the right, my lucky socks. No I don't know why, but I take all exams and interviews wearing them. It’s just a thing.

Do you ever drive above the speed limit?

I don't drive, but if I did, No. Theres a lot of questionable laws out there but Traffic laws aren't one of them.

What terrifies you?

Pfft, most things from spiders to rollercoasters. But more seriously, Being shouted at. Shout at me and I start hyperventilating, its a thing. Also not knowing if someone is mad at me. I’m not good at reading people,

Look to your left, what do you see?

The wallet shown earlier, and the sugar free polos mentioned after that.

What chore do you hate?

Vacuuming. It makes everything in my body hurt. I would rather clean toilets.

What do you think of when you hear an Australian accent?

@s-hylor​

What’s your favourite soda?

See above. I do not like your pain liquid. Apple juice for life.

Do you go in a fast food place or just hit the drive-thrus?

Either delivery or kiosk, I don't like talking to people where possible, I often need tweaks I don't want to have to remember to repeat.

Who’s the last person you talked to?

@downeyhills​

Favourite cut of beef?

I don't generally eat beef, lamb, or most red meats. I love crispy chilly beef, but as anyone can point out its bc your generally don't feel the texture of the beef.

Last song you listened to?

Everybody Wants to Rule the World | Tears for Fears | Pomplamoose

I’m on a Pomplamoose kick, and I also just love this song anyway.

Last book you read?

Understanding Comics (The invisible Art) - Scott McCloud

Favourite day of the week?

Friday nights. The weekend is ahead and @loraneldin​ and I take to wrangling our beloved usual suspects through another week of Ults Book Club.

Can you say the alphabet backwards?

I can barely say it forwards.

How do you like your coffee?

With milk and sugar, or ultimately, in a Caramel Frappuccino bc I'm a bitch like that.

Favourite pair of shoes?

I have walking boots that don't make my flat ass feet feel like they’re dying. OR my black and green crocs (Fight me, they’re useful).

The time you normally go to sleep?

9-10 is what I'm working on, but I fluctuate depending on if I'm working on something or not.

The time you normally get up?

5-6 If I have a choice in the matter, but often 7-8 if I didn't get to bed at the right time. I’m more about getting the right hours in for my diet than time specifically.

What do you prefer, sunrise or sunsets?

Sunset is the prettiest, but I like to be awake to see the sun rise.

How many blankets on your bed?

One big thick comforter, because that's the uk standard, and I get too hot otherwise.

Describe your kitchen plates

Two types, big wide white ones with a navy blue rim. They are so large I never use them, and little Navy saucer plates I use a lot.

Do you have a favourite alcoholic beverage?

I don't drink, so no. I drink apple juice or Shirley temples when I'm in pubs/bars

Do you play cards?

Sometimes, I like to teach people to play Old Maid. It’s the monopoly of card games.

What colour is your car?

Again, I do not drive. 

Can you change a tire?

I am aware I just said I don't have a car, but I do know how to change a tire. Everyone should go learn its pretty simple.

Favourite job you’ve ever had?

I have only had one job really and two job experience jobs. I did experience in a school library for a week and that was v fun and chill. I did all the jobs they had prepared for me in 2 days so I alphabetically reorganised their fiction section for the rest of the week. I LIKE ORDERING.

How did you get your biggest scar?

I no longer have a gallbladder, so I have 3 scars across my torso from that, the biggest right in the middle of my ribs. Non surgical wise I have matching scars on my knees from ripping holes in them when tripping. I have weak ankles and also I got both of those at different times.

What did you do today that made someone else happy?

I gave my spare animal crossing Iguanodon skull to a wicked artist I follow on twitter so he could complete his dino park. 

[kpopsidiotspot]

do All of the odd numbers for that ask game

omg mate that’s a lot,,,but okie cus it’s bailey😌

1. RheeAnna (yes i am Rihanna you heard it hear first)

3. May 3

5. grey ✌︎('ω')✌︎

7. i have 2 dogs. one is a husky and the other is an alaskan malamute woof woof boys

9. like barely 5’5 lmaO mY DAD IS 6’4 I HAVE NO RIGHT TO BE THIS SHORTFKDKSH

11. maybe 10 pairs, but i circle through the same 3 pairs of shoes and one of those is crocs so-

13. are you ready for this??,,,,,,,,,,,absolutely,,,,,none~ 😌✨

15. rn it’s “if you pray right” from brockhampton or maybe “gone days” from stray kids

17. no cap it would be kim heechul (you might think i’m joking but i am 100000000% serious) or maybe taeyong hjslajba

19. i could do a church wedding or not, i don’t really care lolz

21. yeah i had to go during spring break my sophomore year because i got some infection in my eye and it was spreading towards my brain lmaO 💀 <- —— me if i didn’t go

23. i met snoop dogg at a family barbecue when i was like 10 because my uncle’s brother helped manage him or sumn. i’ve also “met” day6 but it was a hi-touch so idk if that counts ;((

25. red, mint, and grey striped socks

27. definitely not anything like bts because that’s too famous for me, but i could definitely live with like tiktok fame for sure 🥵

29. i take showers in the dark, so i don’t think skinny dipping would ever happen i-

31. on my back like the unstable person i am

33. either two(2) boiled eggs or a fried egg on toast

35. yes and i was terrible, next question 🗿

37. f̳͉̼͉̙͔͈̂̉u̟͎̲͕̼̳͉̲ͮͫͭ̋ͭ͛ͣ̈c͔ͣͦ́́͂ͅk̲̱̠̞̖ͧ̔͊̇̽̿̑ͯͅ

39. yeah one is on my arm from a nail/barbed wire necklace this dude made me and i got it stuck and dragged it over my arm. it’s like 3in long lolz. another one is on my knee when i slid on the ground and a nail was sticking up and cut me. and some on my hip when i was at camp and i tripped and fell down the hill jskajah

41. i think so?? i lie in moderation so i never get caught

43. i can do australian and british beautifully *chef’s kiss*

45. australian cus i think it sounds cool oop-

47. a pair of gucci slides one of my mom’s employees bought me 😎💥 (for absolutely no reason????!!!?)

49. innie cus i’m shy 👉👈😣 (pls revoke my rights this is a cry for help)

51. um,,,yES??!? AS YOU ALL SHOULD BE SCARED OF SPIDERS

53. pfft idk ,,,,, ramen maybe??

55. “like __________”

57. depends on if i want to look good or not so maybe like 7minutes to an hour

59. suck lollipops because my teeth be sensitive like someone hurt them

61. yes, i’m practicing for [redacted]

63. idk i don’t think i’m majorly scared of anything cus of all of the scary movies i watch

65. i have no idea i only really watch horror movies or comedies. does parasite count as dramatic?? if so then that.

67. yes my 6th grade history teacher made us memorize the song for all 50 states and capitols. it plays in my head at random moments and haunts me ✨✨

69. both?? a healthy middle?? it depends on which version of me wakes up that day

71. the future because i didn’t think i’d live this long

73. not really because i’ll feel bad if i make them feel bad for doing something wrong. if i really need to i will

75. nope never. i probably never will because that’s one of the lowest things people can do lol

77. yes’m i drank in mexico and my grandma let’s me drink wine with her. my parents always know when i drink so it’s literally fine, don’t snitch or i’ll eat ur ankles 🥵

79. princeton from mindless behavior. that afro did something to me mate ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

81. yeah i speak some spanish, so i kind of need to oof

83. my fastest mile in middle school was 9 minutes so not very fast 🏃‍♀️

85. my optometrist says my eyes are black, but my mom says they’re very dark brown 👁👄👁

87. i have a bullet journal for school like the aesthetic bitch i strive to be

89. 17?? is that a good age?? i’m gonna say no

91. i guess. it’s a very generic name and people make fun of me cus of the way it’s spelt, but whatevs ig

93. both

95. my time management and productivity skills because they’re nonexistent

97. idk how to answer this i barely know everything i am. i don’t think i can trace back that far

99. light grey, medium gray, and dark grey. i sleep on it with a blue blanket tho-

this took sO long i’m: Σ('◉⌓◉’)

[queerly-belov3d]

Things I don’t want to forget

I visited my grandmas house for the final time on March 25th, 2017.  I felt a lot of emotions, but most of all, an overwhelming wave of grief and finality.

This was it.  She doesn’t live here anymore.  She will never live here again.

After I walked out the door, I texted myself every detail I could remember about what I had just experienced - just so I could hold onto it a little longer.  Two days later, I received a blank text in the same conversation I had created with myself for that very purpose.  I’m not sure what I believe in, but I think that was my reminder to move such a memorable experience to a better location.

So here it is.

It smells like church in the living room, and in a most fitting fashion, a picture of Jesus is the only thing still hanging on the walls.  The living room is empty, bar the piano and the headboard my mom wants me to take.  The random assortment of carpets are still down, the frayed edges still duck taped to the floor to prevent her from finding a way to trip over them.  However, everything else is gone.  The couches, the entertainment set, the TV, the Christmas decorations... all gone.

The room with the red carpet that I spent hours playing in has been purged of all my toys.  At some point after I moved to college it had been re-purposed into a laundry room, but all of my toys had remained packed on the shelving to the side of the room - along with the copious amounts of chips she would get on sale and pack away to give to me during my next visit.  But now the bookshelves full of papers, antique toys, board games, and snacks were gone.  

The other guest room, that used to be my great aunts bedroom, holds only a lamp now.  This is where I had slept when I last visited her.  Where I packed up my things and left thinking I’d still get to see her again, only a week before she would pass away. 

Her room is what gets to me the most.  What was once a chaotic array of various items that were fond to her is now an empty shell.  The TV whose remote I had to reprogram so many times I cannot count is gone.  The computer we sat at for hours together while I frustratingly tried to teach her how to use it has since moved on - the only sign of it’s existence being the modem plug still hanging from the wall.  In fact, it’s the only thing still on the wall.  The pictures she had once printed out (a few of which had been on normal printer paper, but most from disposable cameras - as she loved those the most) are now gone.  The photo from “The Secret of the Watermelon” youth group event, the picture that had post it notes of prayers she needed to make, and the various other elements that had hung on her wall that had made her room full of her love and joy are now all gone.

And of course, most importantly, her bed is gone.  The small set of stairs she had pushed up next to her bed so her little dog could easily join her at night has vanished.  The headboard that used to hold her alarm clock that seemed to be set to go off at all sorts of random hours of the day has been thrown out.  The white comforter with a patterned arrangement of colorful flowers has moved on.  She doesn’t sleep her anymore, and that’s finally set in.

I peek into the bathroom and notice that this room still holds multiple possessions of hers.  Her pink comb for her thin hair sits in the green cup she had used to hold her various bathroom belongings.  There are a few sticky notes with reminds still floating  around near the sink and the mirror.  But these things don’t allow me to live in the illusion she’s still here.  There’s still too much missing from this room, too.

As I’m leaving the bathroom, I notice the hallway closet I always overlooked.  This is where she had hung my arts and crafts project from my very first day of Sunday school in 1996... or maybe it was ‘95... regardless, she had been so happy for me to be going to church.  Even though I don’t go now, and I’m not sure what I believe in anymore, if there was a God, she’s been the only person in my life to radiate that kind of love.

When I trek to the kitchen my heart drops.  All of her appliances are gone.  I’ve never seen this room so exposed.  What saddens me the most is the absence of the fridge that had always held photos of Rodger, newspaper clippings (including the picture of herself planting tomatoes when she made it onto the front page), or other notes and miscellaneous fun artifacts, pinned up by magnets of all varieties.  One of them used to be a magnet from the Sears tower, which had been a gift from me after my trip to Chicago in 2015. 

Also missing is the gas stove - a reminder of how much she loved to provide for others via her cooking, even when asked not to.  Sometimes I’d eat a second dinner to appease her, because I knew how much it meant to her (and she was going to make it regardless of my level of hunger).  This makes me reflect back to middle school, when I’d bring friends back with me after school and she’d bring out all the food she could muster for all of us.  Those days are over now.

I take a look out of her kitchen window to her back yard and am not surprised to see that the black swing is gone - although I’m not sure why this is important to me.  Other than one mysterious black Croc shoe, her back porch is completely empty.  The flowers, decorations, and wind chimes have all been migrated to my parents house.  My heart aches as I remember how she had wished to go out on her back porch one more time.  She had been doing so much better that she had even been getting up from bed and making her own meals.  I had been home the day her hospice worker discussed how next week, they’d both go out and sit on the back porch together.  But that day never came.  That same night, she had a mini-stroke.  It was too hard on her body, and she didn’t recover.  She passed two weeks later.  Pushing that memory out of my mind, I focus instead on the few ornaments that still scatter the back yard.  My eye catches on the garden hose - bright green with a yellow stripe - and I can almost see her holding it, sporting sun hat and gardening gloves, waving to me, but it’s only a memory.

As I pull away I notice she has labeled the screens inside her windows with indications of which area they belong to.  South K, this one says.  I’m not sure what this means, but I know she did.  She knew her systems.  I remember there was a brown block puzzle she had owned that she had given to me to solve.  When I finally did figure it out she wanted to make sure we could always solve it again, so she wrote letters in black marker on the sides of the pieces, where if the letters matched on two different pieces those sides must go together in that spot.  She might not have ever fully understood how to use the Internet to Google something, but she sure was clever.  Years of taking care of others made her that way.  She was a problem solver, and she’d always try to help find a solution - even if that solution was duck tape, which it usually was (dubbing her the title Duct Tape Queen, even prior to my mom finding a book buried in the basement called The Duct Tape Book a few months back).

My mom beckons to me to see the basement, and I follow her.  As early in my life as I can remember, the basement was always filled with canned goods at the bottom of the stairs, and everywhere else filled with archived memorabilia.  I know it will be empty now, but in my gut I feel as though the basement couldn’t possibly be empty.

As we descend the stairs, I do not see the shelves that used to hold the canned goods.  When we reach the bottom of the stairs, I turn on the light and am awestruck.  There’s nothing left.  My mom has gotten through it all, which shouldn’t be surprising now that 10 months have passed.  I smile a little, thinking of how my grandma had always claimed she had my moms tonsils saved somewhere down here, and how my mom had never found them.  Had she gotten rid of them a long time ago and forgotten?  Were they in some other secret space, a surprise for the next inhabitant of the house?  Who knows.

I take a look at the space of floor and wall I never knew existed and imagine everything else she had kept here.  My mom had shared a few of these items with me.  Stuffed animals from my moms and uncles childhoods, my uncles boy scout uniform, the newspaper from the JFK assassination... what else had she kept here?  Whatever it all had been, I knew she had kept it for a reason.

When we get back up from the basement, I take a peek into the garage - now the holding place of many various items my mom has yet to remove.  I see a small wooden chair with a patch of brown duct tape on the top of it.  I remember this chair.  Everything else in here, not so much.  As I am about to turn off the light, I notice there is a mark on the garage wall that looks lighter than the rest.  It’s the letter ‘R’.  I had never noticed this before, likely because the walls used to be covered with lawn tools or other items.  I wonder if it was for ‘Ridgway’, but I don’t ask.  I’ll let the house keep this mystery.

As I stand in the living room one more time, I stand by the piano.  My grandma had bought this for my mom so she could learn to play as a child, but now it was going to auction as we had no place for it to go and we knew someone else could take better care of it.  I remember when I was a child, pushing back the wooden cover from the keys and aimlessly pounding away at the keys, thinking I was a master pianist.  My grandma would just smile, not annoyed or perturbed by me.  The cover is pushed back now, exposing the keys to the room.  I wonder if my mom has been playing it.  Something inside me urges me to play a note, but I feel that the noise alone might break my heart.  Instead, I turn around and look at where the TV used to be.  This is where we would always watch Wheel of Fortune together.  When I visited in college, I’d try to always make sure to be here at 5:30 so I wouldn’t miss it.  Even the last few times when she couldn’t stay awake through the whole thing, I’d turn it on and play along.  It was our game show.

I look out the large window in the living room, taking a deep breath as I try to muster a goodbye for the house.  I recall how she would stand here, watching people walk by with their dogs.  I remember one time during the last few months when she sat on the couch next to her dog, sitting on her knees and leaning up on the back of the couch, just looking outside.  The yard that spanned in front of the window used to be covered in a chaotic array of flowers, because she loved all of them too much to just pick any particular flower.  Now, at the end of winter, the yard looks sad.  My mom has removed the yard ornaments, and the flowers are obviously not in bloom.  I take a step back and run my hand along the old, yellowing curtains that would cover the window at nighttime - never during the day.  They smell like her.

As my mom and I leave the house, I remember that my initials are carved into the driveway.  I bend down and take a picture that encompasses both the house and the initials, and let myself cry one more time.  As we get into the car, I begin to write down these final memories, because I don’t want to forget them.  As we leave, I take one last look.  It was a ritual that any time we left Grandma’s house, we would wave at her while she waved back from her living room window, and we would beep the horn twice.  I remember even making my SO’s or friends perform this ritual if they had drove me here.  But this time when I look, there’s no one waving, and we don’t beep goodbye.

I know someone else will be moving in soon.  I know she will likely want a shower instead of just the pale green bathtub.  I know she might not value the soft, white, cloth curtains that hang in the master bedroom.  She might also not understand the mysterious codes written on the window screens.  I know she will change it, but I know she will also bring life to it, and I know this house deserves life.  After years upon years of life, love, and pure joy, it’d be unfair to not let it manifest once again.

So I write down my final day inside my grandma’s house, knowing I won’t see it again, and if I do it won’t be like this anymore.