#these are deeply cathartic to write. just getting feelings onto page (or screen i suppose

[spacechampion]

vent

unenforced secrecy in my mind weighs heavy on my heart

i want to tell others how i feel, what i feel

but i think that part of me was built disjointed, misaligned.

i open my mouth, the words on the very tip of my tongue, near bursting from my lips with their desire to come forth.

yet my throat closes. it seals tight and i choke, unable to make a sound. i feel nauseous

“i’m really struggling with.” this conversation

no one has explicitly said to me im not allowed to talk about these things in my life, im in charge of myself at this point.

but it might get to ears that could use these feelings against me.

they could destroy me in ways that i’m not already unintentionally doing to myself

that paranoia shuts me up quick, tucking my heart back into my throat where it belongs. sealed in.

i know where the root of this anxiety stems,

a childhood of being told not to share, keep it safe, keep it in the house.

lest you be taken away from me, from us. don’t you trust your family darling?

my therapist keeps circling back on that issue, i’ve been annoyed by it lately.

we already talked about my childhood, you know the general idea; small family, tight knit.

we moved a lot. it was almost fun. it’s left me with the inability to keep any relationships healthy for more than a few years at best.

anyways

we’ve been over The Big Trauma Incidents before

i need to talk about my current problems.

yes i know they were bad and i downplay their seriousness each time i talk about them, but i have to or we won’t have the time for the new stuff!

i only get 45 minutes

maybe he has a point. it all grows together, ensnaring like vines around my jaded skull. creeping down my throat to join my heart in strangling me

a slow suffocation

i can’t talk about my feelings now, because i wasn’t able to talk about them then.

i suppose i should text him and schedule a follow up soon.