#theres nothing left ykno? i dont want to keep dragging this out when im only making it worse for myself and others
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#god#ik ive been here more n more lately idk where else to scream anymore#im just? i dont know. each day the concept of actually doing it starts to become less abstract#n more like ‘wack those could be next weeks plans!’#and its so easy to just smile to others n play it off ykno?#even if im talking about it its just easier to smile and go along to not upset or worry anyone#but it all ends up meaning nothing and it doesnt hell#now that i have the how it feels like the balls finally in motion#n it just feels like its rolling faster n faster n faster n it just keeps getting worse#but i just? kts never going to get better#therapy only made things worse and i dont want go back there anymore all edperiences w it were so bad#but that also means ill never get access to a disgnosis or medication or whatever#and now i know i wont be able to move out in the nedt few years either#and like? the next few years? i dont know what thatd do to me and i dont want to#i cant go a day without crying n panicking#i have no one i talk to irl anymore. my job sucks but at least bcus of that i can have panic attacks n start ceying there n ppl wont even#notice. a better job probably would not be chill w that lol#online theres only one person i talk often w anymore n i dont want to drag them down w me so its not like i want to discuss this w them#theres nothing left ykno? i dont want to keep dragging this out when im only making it worse for myself and others#but its still like? i dont know. its so easy to play it off as not a big deal but it still is#maybe im just trying to fake it till i make it lol. keep acting like it doesnt matter till it rlly doenst n it wont be as hard anymore#but i dont think i can actually even do that or i wouldnt know how#its been years now and its just getting worse and theres no way of getting out of it#everything considered im in the best spot i could be for going trough w it#all i need are some days alone! which moght be coming up#i dont know anymore#im just so tired of being tired#tired n hurting lol#it all just fucking hurts and theres nowhere to go with it and nothing to do with it#theres nothing left
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