#theres bound to be the bad of us that stays

[lesbian-salamander]

pearl splatoon i love you dearly but you were done dirty by having your richness being played off as a gag 99% of the time. maybe its because splatoon isnt nearly as injust compared to our world but how do they make her punk but not once try and address why she is IN SPITE of wealth.

[in1-nutshell]

HELLO‼️ I hope you are safe and well with the hurricane and I'm so glad that I'm able to finally send a request so here it is‼️

There's not many rescue bots oneshots and I want to change that, so in Rescue bots theres human skater buddy with their head in the clouds leading them to getting into trouble frequently (like nearly getting hit by a car or just getting into the crossfire of the rescue bots shenanigans) and it's like to a point where the whole when they are out on a mission have to keep a spare eye/optic out for the little human‼️

I hope you'll be able to get to this before it's deleted or whatever, but still, I can't wait to see what you come up with for this concept. Thanks, and have a good day/night‼️

Introducing Danger magnet Buddy! love this concept!

Hope you enjoy!

Human Buddy the skater and a danger magnet

SFW, Platonic, Human Reader

RB

The Burns family had known about Buddy’s little quirks for years.

They were after all good friends with Cody throughout their childhood.

The kid had their head up in the clouds or down with their skates.

Luckily, Cody always seemed to find ways to get them back down to Earth.

Too bad there wasn’t much he could do about their terrible luck with dangerous situations.

They never mean to be in these situations, they just happen when they’re around.

It took a while for the Burns to finally understand it wasn’t their fault.

It was a small island, one was bound to get stuck in the crossfire at some point.

When the Bots arrived, Cody made sure to debrief them a bit about his friend’s tendencies.

Heatwave is convinced that Buddy is doing it for attention.

There is now way someone can be THAT unlucky.

Not even on this island.

Kade and him have little talks about Buddy being a ‘danger magnet.’

Kade: “You think they are doing it for attention?” Heatwave: “Isn’t it obvious? There’s no way they aren’t doing it for any other reason.” Kade chuckles. Kade: “We used to think that too… but after a few years of seeing their little dumb face around, you kinda start believing it.” Heatwave: “What do you mean?” Kade: “There a bit of a danger magnet.” Heatwave: “Why is that a magnet you have!?”

He does start believing the existence of ‘the danger magnet’ after a few missions where Buddy just showed up randomly.

Heatwave hates to see Buddy in the line of fire, especially when they have no control over it.

Always reminds his team to keep an extra optic out for the little skater.

Speaking of skates, Heatwave actually likes seeing Buddy skate around the bunker.

Especially when they show off some of their tricks.

Buddy is a bit oblivious to why Heatwave is so insistent to them staying with Cody on com job.

Chase and Boulder are confused.

Why does Buddy go to these dangerous places?

They aren’t durable enough to be so close to the danger.

Chase has a separate file on all of Buddy’s incidents.

Chief Burns: “Chase? You, okay?” Chase is typing on a data pad. Chase: “I am simply reporting Buddy’s latest incident on today’s rescue. Today they were stuck in the same tree as Mister Pettypaws… I still wonder how they got up there with their skates…” Chief Burns: “Oh, don’t think too hard about that Chase. That’s just how Buddy is.” Chase: “Do they like danger?” Chief Burns: “No, they just have a bad record of being in places at the wrong time.” Chase: “… I can try to clean their record if you allow me access to them.”

Boulder takes a more direct approach and asks Buddy why they keep going towards danger.

Buddy just shrugs and goes back to their skates.

The green mech decides to ask the others about Buddy’s behavior instead.

Boulder: “Is something wrong with them?” Graham: “Nothing’s wrong with them Boulder.” Boulder: “Then how come they always seem to be near our dangerous missions? Even Cody doesn’t do that too often.” Graham: “When you’ve known them as long as we have, you start believing the phrase ‘wrong place and the wrong time.’ We can’t exactly explain it, but the best we can do is look out for them. No one can control what happens outside Boulder.” Boulder: “Hmm… I guess you’re right.” Later… Chase and Boulder look at their creation with pride. Buddy is wrapped head to toe with bubble wrap. Buddy: “How am I gonna skate like this?” Chase: “Sacrifices must be made Buddy.”

The pair find Buddy’s skating to be interesting and a bit relaxing… as long as Buddy has the proper safety equipment on them.

 Buddy doesn’t like the ‘creative’ ways the bots are trying to keep them ‘safe’, but the thought is what counts.

Blades, unlike the others, fully understands the phrase ‘wrong place, wrong time.’

But he also believes an outside force is making Buddy go to these dangerous places.

Already has a bulletin board with the red string trying to figure out what could be making the little skater go to these places.

Blades shows the board to the rest of the bots. Blades: “I’m telling you guys! There’s a connection somewhere!” Heatwave: “… How long have you been working on this?” Blades: “Not important.” Chase: “Blades, is it highly unlikely that something is making Buddy do these things.” Blades: “But if you see what happened last month and 5 months ago—” Boulder: “Blades, when was the last time you recharged?” Blades: “Not important.” Heatwave: “I’m calling Dani.” Blades: "Wait don’t!”

He just doesn’t want Buddy to get hurt by being in places they aren’t supposed to be.

Blades has a separate med kit in his subspace labeled ‘Buddy’s’.

The bot loves Buddy’s skates and has already asked Doc Greene if he could make a pair for him.

Heatwave has tried to stop him from getting these skates too many times to count.

He isn’t known for being the best with balance.

Buddy enjoys Blades making little videos and changing music while they skate around.

[gogolstoelicker]

What do you think would the dorm leaders and vice dorm leaders would do with a shenhe like reader? And can I stay Anonymous?

Dorm leaders + vice dorm leaders with Shenhe!MC

note: id like to let u stay as anonymous but i legit have no clue how this works😥im a peepaw kinnie sorry bro

also this took two years im so sorry💀💀i was so busy w school and deciding what i want for the future my bad pook (update it took 3 years actually LMAO)

also im barely into twst by now HELP ive been playing too much hsr instead

You're someone with a cool, reserved demeanor that gives off an otherworldly aura. Due of some circumstances, your soul was bound with special red ropes to restrain some of your murderous impulses. However, this had the side effect of repressing many of your emotions, making you as dispassionate as the otherworldly beings. When you're annoyed however, these impulses can start to leak out.

Riddle:

yall rmmber how cloud retainer taught shenhe to just beat the ppl who wronged her? well

you may or may not have tried to grab him by his neck and slam him to the ground

grim is the one telling u not to btw LMAOAOAOAOA

reversed pet and owner😭its grim telling u what not to do

"No no dont do that🤬☝️yes yes good good mc"

rmmber the end of the quest when the drunk man tried to bother shenhe and shenhe was 👿 and paimon was "no no☝️dont☝️good shenhe good shenhe" THATS HOW ITS LIKE

riddle was undeniable pretty angry bcs u literally tried to use violence on him HELP (also pretty shaken bcs WHAT)

but eh im sure yall can get close once his overblot is over

he would NOT like to talk about how u tried to freeze his ass and beat him up using a polearm btw

mf is so strong bro wiped out his fire one sec

I think youre pretty ? abt the rules but tried ur best to follow em

"why cant i eat burgers in tuesdays☹️" -u while reading the rule book

"bcs the queen of hearts told u so☝️"

its funny cause youre not even from his dorm and youre the one trying so hard to follow his rules LMAOAOAOA

"i wanna eat burgers☹️" u on tuesdays or whateverday

"? eat em then" ace, confused

u can ask him if u dont understand some social cues or human customs!! he can provide a pretty good explanation

Trey:

tried to stop u from eating random herbs/flowers from that batony place i forgor what its called

"oh food" "MC!!!!😨😨😨😨"

literally pulled u back by your collar before u ate the plants in there

if youre hungry u can come w him to eat in the dorm😥😥pls dont eat random things u saw

he knew how strong u are so he just leaves the heavy work to u sometimes HELP

like yo dude i need to bring some of these from the store/garden ion kno

he did it in exchange of cooking dw guys

yall frequent heartslabyul to eat cause the food u serve r mostlu herbs

grim does not like it and tattled on u

"but all the proteins we need r there🫠" -u

"well yes but🧍" -trey

Leona:

somehow the guy who makes excuses for u whenever u resort to violence

"guys i SWEAR mc is nice🥺🖐look into my eyes guys i swear..." /j

he did try to talk u out of violence (sometimes)

if it doesnt work he just stands on the sidelines n goes sheesh😨

candidate no 2 who almost got slammed to the floor

ruggie stopped u just in time w his UM

but leona is strong!! u might say but did he got trained by the adepti tho☝️exactly

honestly theres a wee bit of bad blood between the two of u for a lil bit

but yk sleeping in the same room helped mend ur relationship

(also planning evil shit together towards azul got yall closer)

u like to train in the afternoon/morning sometimes so u just somehow got dragged to their everyday morning practice

u lead the team btw 🗣🗣leona encouraged it cause he dont wanna do much work

sometimes if he felt nice he'll let u eat w them in the dorm

he encouraged u eating herbs btw he found it kinda funny

it doesnt kill u anyway do why should he stop u

grim is otw to take a bite on his arm bcs of it

hes very knowledgeable so u can ask him abt what customs u dong understand

he might give u the stink eye sometimes cause u ruined his sleep but its ok he still answers u anyway

Azul:

yall fought in WATER he does not stand a chance

him if he tries: 🥶🥶🧊🧊🧊

he became frozen octopus

what almost happened to the twins HELP

thank god for Floyd's UM

can u tell im trhing so hard to think of smth for him rn

yall had some bad blood during the entire chapter but got good again at thr rnd its ok

u sometimes work in the monstro longue and azul had to keep an eye on u to make sure u wont harm any rude customers

do that behind closed doors pls☝️youll scare his other customers away

he doesnt care as long as it doesnt drive the other customers away

tbh he even encouraged it HELP

gotta keep them customers in line yk

dont ask him abt human customs pls he doesnt kno much

Jade:

he listened in on ur convo w trey abt not eating random flowers in the batony place ion kno what its called

he rubbed his hands together like a fly and starts scheming

if u see a new specific herb planted there, turn around. walk away. it was jade's

u fell for it u were kinda hungry

"kinda hungry rn..." -u said

jade is hiding behind a tree with a smirk

thats how he looks the entire time while waiting for u to take the bait

as soon as it enters ur mouth by 0.1cm he came out with a smile going "oh no!! my herb...☹️☹️"

thats how u got baited into working in monstro longue

the start of ur career tho its ok🗣☝️

dont ask him abt human customs or cues,he'll prank u somehow

"haha the dude is wrong. slamming someone on the wall is a good thing"

azul had to hold u back the entire week from annoying customers cause u trusted jade

Kalim:

i think u can ask him if youre confused abt smth❓️

dont trust him 100% tho, the way he celebrates some things may not be like how normal ppl does it

u may celebrate a birthday by giving a gift and baking a cake

he celebrates it by having a march w animals he have in his house /j

rich ppl activities amirite

"why cant i wear this halloween costume to work☹️" -u

it could end in two ways

he either tells u why or gets an idea to have a halloween special day in monstro longue

dw abt it azul quickly approve of it (he wont turn down money)

kinda funny to imagine its like a 2nd jamil beside him and its only bcs yall have the same facial expressions

cant be an everyday thing tho customers will het tired of it

😐☺️😐 <how yall look so basically

sunshine protectors and sunshine

honestly kalim would either go "yikes that must've hurt" when u beat someone up or go "mc! this isn't you!😔" /j

he would sometimes help u out dw!! (he called a teacher)

Jamil:

sunshine protector #1 and youre #2 (and an idiot in disguise)

honestly i do not have an idea for him like legit dude

imagine two ppl who looks like 😐😐 most of the time

rmmber that time he trapped yall in scarabia?? guess who almost lost their limbs (half the scarabia dorm)

"yes u shall listen to my evil plans muahahaha" -jamil seconds before u tried to slam him into the floor

the guy who tries to hold u back from violence

"no NO BAD MC BAD MC😡😡🤬🤬" him on a normal tuesday morning (its too early for this pls)

if he saw u try to beat someone out from afar tho, he wont try anything

he will only stop u when 1. theres the strict dorm leaders around or 2. the professors r around 3. it will somehow bite him back in the ass in the future

also he calls u up each time theres a bug

u either squash it w ur bare hands or grab it n throw it away (w ur bare hands)

he made sure u wash ur hands for at least 10 mins after

but dude is very knowledgeable, u can ask him anything u find confusing!!

he esp loves to talk abt his culture etc n try to introduce u to certain things

^how u ended up w hennas (jamil drew ur left hand, kalim ur right)

Vil:

the guy who puts many efforts in trying to stop ur violence

"violence is not necessary rn!! unless they start it first ofc..."

u took his words to heart n silently prayed someone would try to pick fights w u first so u can have an excuse to beat the shit out of them

vil absolutely does NOT approve of ur habit of eating random plants

"prefect what r these random plants in ur dorm??" "thats my lunch😊" "what."

almost fainted when he found out ur diet is mostly of random plants n herbs u either got from the batonical garden(???) or smth that grows on the walls of the ramshackle dorm yikes

also finds out u barely ate actual living human foods in fear of being attached just to not be able to taste them again

"on god we gon get u some therapy bro🙏" -him probably

tries to convince u that its not enough reason to completely discard food

yk those relatives that puts more food on ur plate when they notice youre not eating enough

hes kinda like that but hes also mindful to make sure u dont take more than what u can

Rook:

was on one of his journey of getting to know ur lore better (stalking) when he caught u eating the plants in the batonical garden

"NON NON!! U SHALL NOT!!"

he tried to stop u only for him to be neck neck w ur polearm cause ?? why the hell is he sneaking up on u??

despite ur first meeting, u did start to warm up to him eventually!!😊😊

he absolutely loves how blunt u are

also the guy who talks ur ears out abt his passions, which includes many things

u on the quiet side so u just listen n nod

one time u found a neige keychain n gave it to him idk man maybe theres neige merches around

hes THRILLED dude. his hat almost got legs of its own so it can start jumping around

as thanks he gave u flowers (that became ur dinner /j)

the two of u meditates together

its good for him as a hunter to have a clear mind!! n u need to keep up w ur training even tho youre in a completely diff world now so its perfect!!

if vil caught the both of u, he would join the meditating session

it became a group thing. vil joins yall whenever hes not busy and rook is somehow always free to join u

Idia:

not there physically to witness ur quirks but he did saw it enough times through the security cameras

"where r they producing these ppl😥😥"

witnessed ur strength once n u immediately got upgraded to an SSR character 🗣🗣the UR spot is reserved for malleus sorry

almost went bald bcs u freeze his ass (n hair) during the overblot fight

i feel like youre strong enough to defeat one of those robot thingy that he used to capture the dorm leaders w🙏🙏this is totally not bcs im a shenhe glazer

you are STRONG STRONG alright. he promises to himself not to get on ur bad side in case he'll go bald again

his ass is always w electronics n then theres u😂🤣

he wanted to laugh at first when u said u didnt kno how to use a phone

that is until he starts teaching u these technologies idk n now he wants to cry cause wow. he cant imagine not using the internet for even an hour

pats ur shoulder once out of pity

"there there you'll be a good internet user one day ig...." "whats internet and how does one become its user??🤔"

Malleus:

omg yall r quite similar in some ways!! boomers, emos and poker faced /hj

yall had never rode a car before💀let alone seen it

i just know yall would somehow break ur phones

"prefect it seems i wont be able to contact u through the phone anymore... (he destroyed it by accident while trying to contact u)"

"its ok. me too (u also destroyed urs by accident while trying to figure out how it works)" crowley is crying in the background abt how much money he needs to spend buying u a new one btw ignore him

"is this healthy??🤔🤔" -he thinks to himself as he stares at u munching on some random plants

ur diet reminds him of what silver has consumed during his younger years

except silver was bcs of sOMEONE (lilia) and u are completely out of ur own will

hes like a kidnapper trying to lure u with better foods to get u to stop eating those plants

"whats in my hands??😊u can have it if u stop eating those plants...."

also the guy who rambles on and on abt his passions (gargoyles) w u nodding ur head at him

u crafted one for him once n u swear flowers bloomed somehow

spoilers but u would absolutely try to knock him out in his dragon form

but its in an affectionate way i swear

not the "STOP THIS (aggressive)" but more of a "STOP THIS(affectionate)" get it?

Lilia:

tries to cook u homemade meals

u somehow survive?? and asked for seconds

the other 3 diasomnia students who suffered under his meals asked how tf can u endure it n if its rlly thag delicious

"no it tasted terrible😐but its filled w all the nutrients our body needs"

in ur head, its like lilias cooking = the herbs u ate

except u have a 5050 chance at surviving his cooking🙏🙏thank ur adeptal training RN

lilia is proud bcs someone finally appreciates his cooking enough so u got called in to their dorm often for food

he pretended not to notice when the other 3 gave some of their foods to u btw

he somehow convinced u to join silver n sebek's training💀💀

hes impressed by how strong u r btw<<33 he jokingly asked if u wanna be knight no3 for malleus

he finds it kinda funny that he knew more abt the internet than u

his oldass is out here doing tiktok live n u are?? uh idk making cheese from scratch?? what do ppl do back in the days

will not miss a day to clown u btw do NOT trust him fully

"in fae culture, eating herbs is considered taboo bcs it killed 1 in 3 of our ppl so u cant have herbs in diasomnia im sorry..." "o omg....😨😢"

[israaverse]

Do you have some good recommendations on learning about the Canaanite deites?

Hi there!

This may not be a satisfying answer and, trust me, I'm right with you. Like all* pantheons there is no strict 'canon' but I'd say the things to understand the very basics would be The Baal Cycle and the Epic of Aqhat. Both are incomplete texts and the tablets are not in any known order so it's difficult to decipher them. Other than that, there's not really much. Each translation has its own issues (I'm personally not a fan of those that translate Anat's epithet of 'virgin' into 'adolescent' and anything else suggesting a goddess of sexual fertility would be a prepubescent child) and any other supplementary information I would use my own judgement to be judicial about. Also, due to regional and religious politics, you have to be quite judicial about what sources and opinions you put stock in. For instance, I personally wouldn't give a shit about what the Old Testament and Philo of Byblos have to say abt the Canaanites and their gods because any sources resulting from them have political incentive to slander and badmouth. Any other secondary or tertiary source or blog post has to be taken with quite the large grain of salt, as the Canaanites have a bad habit of being used for chauvinist or nationalist rhetoric. I myself am Palestinian and Muslim so I have my own biases, it's just good to stay aware of what baggage people are bringing into something like this.

Another good place to start would be the Egyptian city of Avaris/Awaris and the Hyksos Dynasty of the Second Intermediate Period. I just finished a loooong final essay about the xenophobia politic surrounding them HOWEVER it seems that "eastern" religion had been established in Egypt long before and continued long after the SEP. My favorite fun fact about this is that Ramesses ii named his first daughter Bint-Anat (Daughter of Anat) and depicted himself as married to Anat so theres bound to be a but about the pantheon immortalized there.

Best of luck and happy reading!

[venomvalley]

i’d love to hear your thoughts on sh2 symbolism bc i too want to stick a fork through my eye when i hear about “sexual frustration” as a theory.

god i wish i had the energy to do a huge 20 page powerpoint about my own personal interpretation of the game but i’ll just say that a lot of people leave out the involvement of mary’s illness in regards to how and why the monsters manifest.

very explicit, detailed spoilers for major plot points under the cut. this is just my own interpretation of the game.

theres a lot of symbolism regarding mouths and beds and sheets in both the og and the remake.

the mouths represent mary’s verbal abuse towards james after she got sick. that long hallway toward the end of the game is the clearest evidence for this. you hear mary yelling at james from bringing her flowers and ordering him to leave.

the beds, of course, mimic the hospital bed that mary was confined to during her illness.

the sheets to me directly mirror the sheet he wrapped mary up in after he killed her.

the boss fight in the brookhaven otherworld is a manifestation of mary’s final days. the screaming mouth, the kicking legs—a body bound to a hospital bed wrapped in sheets.

and then we have the mannequins. this seems to be where the whole “james is a horny leg man” comes from, but i see these monsters differently. i think they represent the way mary kicked her legs while james was suffocating her. the mannequins are the hardest non-boss enemies in the remake for a lot of reasons, and i think it was on purpose. they’re the personification of mary’s fight to stay alive during her final moments. that may be why they hide to ambush james—it's the best way to win a fight.

(however masahiro ito, the monster designer for sh2, said that they represent mary’s difficulty walking once her disease got bad enough. in the og design, the mannequins wear braces on their knees. not sure about the remake.)

i think the one place that the “sexual frustration” argument holds some weight is with the nurses, ESPECIALLY their redesign with the thigh-highs. the original intention wasnt for them to be sexy, but for the bubble-head to be yet another manifestation of mary’s illness. in the remake, though, i think they represent james’s guilt toward being sexually attracted to the nurses in the hospital.

just a side note but i absolutely love how they scattered pianos throughout the areas as a nod to mary. in the og it was a one-off comment but here, james sees pianos and immediately thinks of mary down to the specific sheet music she used to play.

ok i dont want this to be too long because i WILL go off on a tangent but yeah thats my personal theory on what some of the monsters represent :3

[crushedsweets]

Hey! I love your artwork! I think it’s beautiful!!!

I just wanted to ask, what would Toby and Natalie’s relationship be like if they were able to start dating? I’m genuinely curious.

P.S. LONG LIVE TICCIWORK AND NINAKATE!!!!!

HIIII OK I LIKE THIS OMG i cant believe i hadnt thought about it before. ok i spoke a lot more than i thought i would...all under the cut LOL omg..

okay so, like i mentioned, they would probably have some random drunk kiss one night. maybe a christmas party and nina brings in mistle toe and its stupid. maybe new years party and the clock strikes 12 and they were like 'fuck it why not'.

natalie would have to initiate a lot of the starting conversations and touches. toby grew up with people thinking he was some gross virus roaming around, with boys pushing him around and girls sneering at him, so he's really hesitant. and natalie does get upset pretty easily if toby tries doing things without her permission, even if its something like doing her laundry - he has to ask. and he always does

it would start off pretty awkward too... neither of them know what to say, and both of them are so stubborn with egos the size of the moon - their pride knows no bounds. but at times, toby's ego can morph into something more cocky and he'll say stupid shit. 'you wanna kiss me so bad i know it' 'oh should i get nina to buy some mistle toe again' 'if you wanted to spend the night you couldve just asked'. at first clocky would get mad and pissy, and toby would laugh at her, and they'd move on. but eventually instead of moving on, one of them would say something like 'well.... do you actually want to' and they would. awkwardly, of course. a kiss, laying in bed together, brushing eachothers hair, etc.

their most intimate moments probably happen in the kitchen. that's always been quite the place of love for toby, so to lean against a counter and bring natalie close and give her a kiss in the warmest room of the house while something good is cooking in the oven ... probably means a lot to him

i think they'd love hikes. theres a waterfall in my au that they'd go to often, strip down to their underwear, and sit under. they'd wrestle and splash water and laugh and eat some fruit they packed and fall asleep under the sun after hours of just fucking around. kisses constantly swap between sudden acts of passion and excitement, to a quiet, lazy, quick kiss while throwing a towel over their shoulder.

but of course, they are still difficult. toby's reckless and natalie is picky, so theres a lot of arguments that spring up from nothing. this would be a constant thing until one of them eventually cries - something neither of them are used to. that would probably be a tipping point for them to start really looking into being a better person for eachother. but that is not easy by any means and neither of them are capable of being perfect. at fucking all

their biggest issue would be close to their canon shit.. toby wants to stay, clocky wants to leave. run away from all the bullshit she got trapped in. clocky is more likely to truly just fuck off and leave toby behind, and that scares the everliving shit out of toby every day - he'd swap between 'i have to be so good she'll never leave' and 'you fucking asshole just leave already its inevitable theres nothing i can do to change it'. but clocky just wants to live a normal normal normal life. she wants to grow old with kids and a career and a nice dog and to make dinner every night. she wants her biggest problem to be the dog tracking in mud.

eventually toby settles down, and while he cant just walk away from slenderman, they figure something out. a shared apartment, toby gets closer to the farm owners and he starts working more often. clocky gets into tattooing. toby is the first person she ever tattoos on. they both have to compromise a lot, but they can't imagine doing this for (or with) anybody else

[mao-likes-2-draw]

keep having visions of a young morgan fey in maybe this time from cabaret. im sorry its just…little lyrical analysis nobody gaf about below the cut.

“maybe this time, i’ll be lucky, maybe this time he’ll stay” its ironic for morgan. you could imagine this song with her before her wedding ceremony with pearl’s father or with dahlia/iris’ father. he did NOT stay!

”not a loser anymore, like the last time and the time before…” i think morgan has been losing all her life, mainly to misty. if this is to be set before the wedding with pearl’s father, than she has already lost one man and two daughters. the last time and the time before refers to the fact that she has lost countless times, and has experienced failed love before.

however, dahlia/iris’ father was her first love and if it was to be set in the scene before their marriage, morgan would be more hopeful and excited that this marriage could bring new things for her. she’s finally getting a one-up over misty.

while pearl’s father fits with the narrative that sally/morgan has been rejected countless times before and has had trouble with relationships in the past, the marriage with the hawthorne’s father represents the more optimistic, hopeful part of the song. she has been cheated out of success her whole life, so it has to happen someday.

“everybody loves a winner, so nobody loved me” this again reinforces the idea that morgan/sally is a loser. shes not particularly gifted or kind, theres nothing special about her. misty is the “winner” who morgan has a seething jealousy for. despite being the older sister, morgan struggles to be seen by her family and has to fight for their love. misty doesn’t have to, because she’s spiritually powerful and has won the birthright.

“lady peaceful, lady happy! thats what i long to be.” morgan isn’t peaceful or happy, she’s bitter and spiteful and conniving. however, she used to have hope of being Lady Peaceful and Lady Happy. AKA, someone the village could look up to, someone people could respect. she so desperately craves approval and power. she wants to be a lady, a queen.

“all the odds are, they’re in my favor. something’s bound to begin!” this is a sad line because this song is so deeply hopeful for something audiences know will not happen. in cabaret, the nazis rise to power and cliff leaves and sally turns to ignorance. in ace attorney, morgan grows to be a terrible sister and mother because of her insignificance and bad, competitive upbringing. something good has just got to happen someday, and sally/morgan fulheartedly believes that. only, we know that it won’t—it never will.

i don’t want to go into the whole “maybe this time i’ll win!” line because i feel like i would just be repeating myself.

yeah i dont know., maybe this time is such a sad, beautiful, hopeful song. and i think about morgan as a young adult/teen/child all the time because she must’ve been so different. she expected herself to be loved by her family for being the firstborn daughter, but ultimately never received the attention she wanted. …

no one cares about morgan because she’s terrible BUT I DONT CARE SHES VERY SPECIAL TO ME….its all about generational trauma guys trust

[steelycunt]

hiii ridi, how are you!! i finished trc last night and i am still not over the fact that gansey didn’t end up actually dead??? like ngl i’m very disappointed, it just robbed us of the emotional impact that his sacrifice was supposed to have, and we spent 4 entire books awaiting his death and for what! ahh. and i say this as a gansey enjoyer! he’s such a little guy, like i truly appreciate him and his anxiety and his need to control the narrative and fix his friends’ lives and ! ugh. i also was just really surprised that he came back to life because nothing on tumblr (like primarily your blog hahah) had me under the impression that he wouldn’t actually die?? i was waiting for the “get him off the road, he’s not an animal” bit because i knew it was coming and then. two pages later. well… anyway yeah, would love to hear your thoughts on all this <333

hi darling im not too bad!! how are you!! agh yes the not-death...to be honest i dont remember it particularly bothering me but i can definitely see it on both sides!! and i dont remember if i knew whether he lived or not when i read it lol..but i can definitely see what you mean like we spend four books structuring the story around this supposed fated ending and he doesnt stay dead for particularly long. i would not have minded if hed died and stayed dead!! as a fellow gansey enjoyer i mean the book ends anyway so its not like as gansey enjoyers we'd be deprived of anything. i suppose from the other side you can look at his obsession with glendower over the series and this quests he feels hes fated to complete and the way he feels his life is owed to answering this question after it was saved and say that the real question of the series is what ganseys life looks like if you remove that element from it. like theres that whole question of what lies on the other side of the glendower quest for him, what happens if he finds him or does not, because it is this thing orchestrating his life and trapping him in this perceived purpose that he literally has to die to get out of and actually maybe that has been the point of his journey all along (cringe way of putting it but its 11.30pm here and im an idiot)...his sense of being caught up in this bigger thing and being duty bound to live out a certain fate as if his life almost does not belong to him. and then he dies and that is that life ending and when he comes back his life is his again....glendower was dead and gansey kind of wanted to live etc...not saying this is a correct reading or one is more right than the other im sure there are people who have given this story more thought than i reading this and shaking their heads at my stupidity and poor comprehension skills...but i read these books a few years ago to be fair to me....but yeah!! both are valid imo i can see why someone would feel a bit cheated by that ending but i can also see how it works : ^ )

[milfygerard]

How can I help disabled people in my local community? got any advice?

hm, well it depends on your personal abilities but heres some options

get involved locally in general. Go to town meetings, if you have a kid go to school meetings, stay in contact with local electives. These are the people who lead the charge on change with disability advocacy and accessibility good or bad. When youre there take note of what's missing. Safe wheelchair ramps, available seating, accessible facilities, safety plans, if its a school theres questions of how disability support is both funded and supported, how those kids are treated by their teachers and aids, if the school has safe and easily accessible areas to go to for kids who are overstimulated or melting down, if teachers accommodate for kids with learning disabilities or neurodivergencies (take 504s seriously!) and how faculty approaches concerns and critiques that come from disabled people and their carers.

Find a local disability advocacy group! This will likely be easier if you live in a more highly populated area like a city or surrounding town. It can be a general disability support group, but there are also specific ones for autism and other neurodivergencies, wheelchair bound people, chronically ill people, amputees etc. as well as groups that focus on intersections, like LGBT disability advocacy or groups centered around supporting POC. See what they need with volunteer support or donations, talk about these groups with others, if you have connections locally bring these groups in for fairs or markets to table, involve them if you are having issues with disability advocacy at a school or business, make friends and keep contacts!

on an even smaller level, look within your own group or home. Do you have friends who struggle with fatigue or are unable to leave the house? If you havent, try talking about ways you can support them on a literal level. helping with buying or bringing groceries, making emergency plans if they need urgent medical support, helping to make things more accessible around their home and/or your home, maybe even just let them vent a bit.

Wear a mask when you go out, and encourage others to as well! We're entering an extremely dangerous time for public health with real life supervillain rfk leading the charge on making sure everyone gets as sick as possible, and last winter was an absolute nightmare for viruses. If you take public transit or go grocery shopping, keep a mask on. Same for big group events like movie theaters or concerts. If you're involved with the planning of an event, try and make it mask required and make sure to budget for and bring along N95s to hand out for anyone without masks. Fight against anti-mask mandates on a state and local level, and dont make it weird if someone does choose to mask, and dont let other people make it weird either.

If you have the money, donate! To organizations or to proven gofundmes and fundraising campaigns. And this isnt just local, the genocide right now in Gaza has cause a mass disabling event and theres so many people who could use the support.

keep an eye out for anti-disability laws and bills being pushed through the govt system because they are abound. send phone calls and emails and if protesting is an option look for and go to protests. Push against these as much as possible.

this is all just off the top of my head, and mostly focused on NDs and physical disabilities/illnesses. If anyone following has more to add please do!

If you want to find more info and discussion of support for psychosis and schitzoaffective disorders go check out @psychotic-gerard (and toss a little money their way too if you have any on hand)

I hope this was helpful in some way, and youre able to show more support for your local disability community <3

[chocoyanchan]

"Don't ever take relationship advice from your friends again"

Synopsis- Your friends don't like Gojo so they try to get in your head.

Warning: Fluff, Mention of sex

It was a warm night so you decided to go out with your friends for a girls night. Gojo begged you not to go. He kept telling you that your friends are bad influences and that they don't like him. You kissed his cheek and tried to reassure you that your friends love him but he wasn't believing it. You wore a short yellow plaid mini skirt with a white crop top. You bent over to put on your white converse to compliment your outfit. "Baby, I love you and I don't usually care what you wear but that skirt should be for my eyes only." He said, his hands snaked to your waste as he put his head in to your neck. "Gojo, it's not that short. You can't see much, plus I'll make sure it stays down." He kissed your neck holding you tighter. "Don't go. Stay here and I show you a better time than they can." You giggled and pushed him away. "Later." Was the last thing you said while grabbing your keys and heading out the door, the Uber waiting for you outside. Gojo argued against it but you won of course.

You got dropped off at the bar and your friend group was in the parking lot waiting for you. "Bishhhhhhhh! We missed you!" One friend said as she came and hugged you which led to the others doing as well. Yall walked in and immediately went to the bar. "We gotta get drinks before we catch up." Y/F said. You all ordered your drinks and sat down to finally catch up. You were the last to go. "I mean, I've just been doing the usual. Working and being with Gojo. He's taken me so man-" You said before you was cut off. "Why are you still with him? He ain't shit. He's too friendly and we think he's gonna do you wrong." One of your friends said. You placed your hand over your chest and gasped. "What the hell, where did this come from?" "Y/n, be for real. Look at him, theres no way women aren't throwing their panties at him. He's a man, he's bound to take one of those offers." You looked down at your drink and watched it blankly. You weren't one to overthink but these were your friends and they have always had your back. You bit your lip as you kept your head down in shame. "I have to go to the bathroom." You said as you got up. A few offered to go but you denied the offers. You needed time to yourself. You went into the bathroom and pulled out your phone. The first thing you see was your homescreen of you and him on one of the trips he has taken you on. Tears swelled in your eyes. You clicked Gojo's name and listened as the phone rang. He answered within two rings. "Hey baby, are you okay?" He said. He heard you sniffle. "You cryin?" He said, his voice extremely concerned. "Satoru," you began, "have you been faithful to me?" You questioned. With the sound he made, you knew he scrunched up his face. "Of course I have, why would you..." His voice trailed off as you heard his hand palm his face. "Your friends said some shit, huh? Okay. Be there in five." He said and hung up before you could protest against him showing up on girls night. You used the bathroom and washed your hands. You walked slowly back to the table and sat down. Your bottom lip was between your teeth as you just listened to everyones conversation. The conversations got lower and you weren't sure exactly why. You turn around to see Gojo coming into the bar with the biggest bouquet of flowers you have ever seen. All different colors with a card attached. He did all this in five minutes? You thought to yourself. A smile covered your face as he walked up, making the BIGGEST scene ever. "Attention everyone!" He began to yell. Your could hear your friends scoff but nothing could make you take your eyes away from his. "My girlfriend, y/n, is here with her friends tonight. Friends who don't like me. I wanted to make it publicy known that no matter who doesnt like more or anything like that. NO ONE can get in the way of my love for y/n." He said, your face grew hot, your heart beated fast, and next thing you know, you was in his arms. You knew he was sticking his tongue out at your friends so you tapped his arm playfully. "Let's go my love. Gotta give your friends time to stop hating." He said while grabbing your stuff, the flowers, and you. You laughed as your friends waved you off, they were angry but they have only seen you this happy with him so they let it slide. "Now to give her some cock!" He yelled. "Gojo! TMI" You yelled as you hit his chest. Yall finally got in the car and he placed you in the car, then proceeded to put your stuff in the back seat. After he got in, he looked at you, his eyes were filled with love, lust, and passion. He grabbed your hand, and kissed you so passionately and slow. “Listen to me, don’t ever take relationship advice from your friends again. You might as well be talking to a wall.” He said as he buckled up to start driving. You shook your head and giggled at how serious he was being.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

All of my stuff is copyrighted as in don't steal my shit BUT feel free to repost!

Just a quick little something to cheer me up after the shitty day I have had.

[eego0]

You know I love hearing your opinions on MCD stuff.

Thoughts on Shad?

Correlations between Shad/Irene and their relationship vs Aphmau/Aaron?

Opinions on Shad and his relationship with his daughter Alina?

Conflicts in Aaron over his past family (Lily and Jacob, I believe?) and his relationship with Aphmau?

This one is for a potential future fic, depending on the opinions of the rest of aphblr on my most recent poll: If Aaron ever asked Aphmau to marry him in MCD, would the stone in the ring be red or light lavender?

Sorry to ambush you with all these questions, but I couldn't help it. Take whatever time you need to answer <3

1. FUckkkkk Shad is SUCH a good character. Like he’s THE embodiment of a villain. Hero gone bad. And as much as I hate how he used Aaron’s body not only for a physical form but for his voice to manipulate Aphmau, it was brilliant and it added to how fucked he is. He’s like a top 5 favorite Aphmau character for me.

2. The characters having these powerful past lives and becoming powerful reincarnations is interesting in of itself, but even more interesting when you see how similar they act and their similar storylines. (How much do we want to bet that Irene also woke up in the middle of nowhere and suddenly had a conscious? Or would that be pushing the bounds of this time loop too far.). Irene makes a playful atmosphere when battling with Shad. Aphmau and Aaron’s relationship is serious to the naked eye but has an underlying playfulness, if that makes sense. Irene and Aphmau are both nonchalant, playful, extroverted, but most importantly, willing to help anyone who needs it even at the expense of their own mental and physical health. With Shad and Aaron, they both face a situation that leaves them scarred, distrusting, and angry. They solve everything by making others feel similar hurt, or as Aaron says, he solved everything with his sword. The difference is that Aaron found someone to make him a gentle and full being again, but Shad stayed consumed by his rage and continued to hurt others. Aaron changed, Shad got worse.

3. I honestly don’t know. Everyone seems to believe that Shad had a deep love for his daughter, showing when Irene turned her into a relic, but not only do we not really know anything about WHY she was turned into a relic, I just can’t place my finger on why Shad seemed so upset. “That’s his daughter too!” Is the argument but in mcd, Shad only focused on Alina being the keeper of his relic. He actually dehumanized her so much that he called her “my relic”. The only times he called her Alina was when he was attempting to manipulate Aphmau into telling him when Alina was. Maybe he could understand that Alina meant something to Aphmau in a way that didn’t connect to her holding a relic, but I don’t really think he cared about her in any other way. This is a controversial topic in the Aphmau community tho and I haven’t watched in awhile so feel free to educate me if you know more

4. There doesn’t seem to be much conflict about Aaron’s past family besides confronting his grief and allowing himself to love again. I would say that maybe Aphmau felt like she was competing against Lily for Aaron’s love but Aphmau was more mature than that. Aaron loved Aphmau separately from his late wife. Aaron loved Lilith separately from Jacob, so any conflict was likely internal.

5. OKAY. THIS QUESTION. I LOVE POTENTIAL FANFIC QUESTIONS BECAUSE IT GIVES ME INSPIRATION OF MY OWN <333 So personally I think he’d give Aphmau a light lavender ring. He knows she’d love the color and she’d love to wear it. I was originally going to say red so that she could always have a reminder of him with her but theres nothing more telling of the love someone has for their partner than picking a special accessory out in their favorite color. BONUS PIECE THO, a garnet ring to say “Lilith Garnet brought us together in a way no other situation or person could’ve”

TYSM FOR ALL OF THE QUESTIONS MWAH MWAH MWAH! I HOPE MY ANSWERS WERE HELPFUL! I’D LOVE TO HEAR YOUR THOUGHTS ON THE SAME QUESTIONS AS WELL!

[for-gilded-cups-are-empty]

Katalepsis after live-read thoughts collection

So, now that im caught up about in time for book 1 to end, i am just regurgitating half-thoughts ive had along the ride, doing some retrospection and working my way through all the stuff i still want to draw.

I think thats one of the big things i really noticed and appreciated about katalepsis. Theres just drawability to it. I havent decided yet if its Hungrys writing style in general, the genre, or most likely, a characteristic of Heathers that got me to figure out i can use my laptop as a drawing tablet. Heather in her internal monologue just has a real appreciation for spaces.

A space is rarely a backdrop to do a scene in, the places and buildings and dimensions are characters to heather in a way that just makest a lot of sense for someone who grew up seeing the personified spirits of the everyday world as well as the varied wilds of Outside.

When the Stairwell trap is sprung, theres a very real feeling of betrayal, the willow house has forsaken raine and heather, who previously thought it a sanctuary.

We later learn that the space was bound, artificial, forced to act against its inhabitants in a way a house usually would not, which fits some themes that come up waaaaayy later.

I originally thought this would just be a quirk of heathers, some flavor to her thought processes, but it really did get picked up as an actual story beat, not just an aesthetic, with the soul of edward lilburnes house.

The Outside places are a bit more metaphorical about this, but strangely more clearly alive as well. The Library is an extension of the catalogue, wonderland is dominated by the eye. Ooran Juhs Projected space is his own physical gullet. Carcosa is the stage of a living play. The very first outside space we get to properly see is on the back of some giant creature, hairs and all.

Theres just Personality to every place that keeps them all so very, very vivid.

Ive been planning to draw wonderland ever since the mirror incident at the very beginning of the story, and in a very funny way, as ive drawn other stuff along the way ive been training for wonderland and the eye along with the cast. I really want to do it justice.

Staying on said cast for a bit, ive already talked about raine for a good bit, but theyre all amazing. I was always happy to see that an arc or a few chapters would become a cast members designated backstory time, because i really do want to know more about them and how they work as people. After about the middle point of the story though, those moments and how they connected became pretty hard for me to keep track off

For a reader who was along for the ride since the start, having to wait between chapters as they come out, the pacing probably works way better than it did for me.

I found myself really wishing for more time with the spookycule in each stage of development it had. Early katalepsis with just raine evee and heather is probably where it was the closest to ideal for me, in terms of just vibes i enjoy and things to keep track of.

I dont want to be too analytical, im bad at that, but for example we only see the fractal used to banish a sharrowford cult servitor once.

There could have been way more time spent in the twilight of magic, the street level zone, where every accidental slip outside is a moment of grand terror, and heather learns to live with the idea that the spirits are real.

For someone who gets called “Shaman” a lot later on, we only really see her asking a spirit for directions once (the wrecking ball hands gorilla), where i was expecting that to become a very integral bit of her kit as a character. I love the cephalopod changeling we got instead, but i do feel there could have been a heather who learned to work with her non brain pain vomit inducing abilities for practical reasons, at least for a little while.

After that comes the Messenger demon and maisies message. Knowing the rest of the story, i love that the primary motivation set up here has jack and shit to do with Ed or Alex. This isnt a story about killing the bad guy, its in a very serious way a story about love and that is what should motivate the characters.

Ed and Alex really are just invaders to the story, who grasp at threads that should not concern them at all, with their meddling eventually causing the collapse of Alexs portion of the cult under the Eyes gaze.

I dont quite know how much actual space is in between Kimberly and Zheng joining the household, but this is really the part of the story where just a lot happened at once. We get both badger and sarika, the entire abyss transformation and zheng so very close together.

During the time of the dead hands there is actually some breathing room though. Mostly because set dead hands keep us consigned to a breathable atmosphere for a bit.

The other big stretch of story that i wish lasted longer is the post proposal journey with sevens and saldis through carcosa. Given how time works outside, that whole stretch of time could have really stretched for a while without threatening the maisie limit, and i do wish that some of sevens later character development had happened in here, since i didnt quite know what to think of her after they left the palace, whereas right now in the end she is one of my favourites. I still dont know what i think of the king in yellow being in this story at all, but thats a me issue.

Yeah, so given that most of the smaller thoughts ive already posted in the liveread chat, i guess ive now covered my two big thoughts. I love how katalepsis treats spaces, and the only thing i had any problems with was the pacing, which tbh might just be because i didnt take my time when reading at all.

Time for even less structured thoughts now, just a rapid fire of things that come to mind after reading:

I hope we eventually get a perspective on the worlds cosmology from a mage fully unconnected to the vaguely interconnected british underworld of mages, im very curious how deeply different interpretations of outside, the abyss, demons and beyonders a person might have if they never interacted with the humunculus wars environment. The abyss beeing wet and aquatic seemed to be a general truth, to edward, zheng and even lozzie, until we met taika for example. I want to see more of that.

I said earlier that sevens has become one of my favourites, which is kinda stupid since most characters are my favourite at something by some measure, but Raine and Evee are still the two that are the most meaningful or connected to me. Ive already gone into maybe too much detail on how Raine just works in a way that ive never seen portrayed in anything for some reason. What i havent really realized until about now is how similar evees struggle is. There is that same need to feel useful. They both define their fundamental self via a skill that is in some way repulsive to them for whatever reason, and must cling to another to point them in a direction where they feel they can use it to do good. Evee has to feel useful, has to justify her presence and her dangerous knowledge to herself to some degree, and helping heather is how she does it for now.

The fundamental difference i think is that Raine chose to define herself that way, as knight errant, as supporter, while evee feels any other option to act on the world was taken from her by her mother. This mostly takes the form of her physical disability often stopping her from acting in time, reaching places, but also stopping her anorgasmia seemingly stopping her from loving in the way she thinks is correct (at that point of the story at least. Both of those are changing of course, mostly thanks to Praem).

It kind of lines up with Kimberly in a funky way, since she essentially decided not to use sorcery to justify her presence, both in the house and the story, but still remained around and appreciated, as a sort of in universe counterpoint to evees negative view of herself.

Thats all i can think of for now, i dont actually now how to end this, this isnt a sotry analysis, i have no conclusion except that im glad i caught up so close to the end, because im excited to see all of us react to whatever crazy shit is going down live!

[archerofchaos]

How in the hell did me saying that if you don't like being near a demographic (transwomen, in this case) you can avoid them and not interact with them (possibly by staying home) lead to Islamophobia in my inbox. This individual is being blocked because this was an uncalled for kind of statement.

"Feminists", yeah right. You want to compare your (mild) 'issues' to people actually suffering. Sure there are issues systematically in some areas, under the guise of Islam, but comparing me to a Muslim man to go 'see you are bad' is pathetic. I don't blame every Christian man for the US 'all good women are stay at home moms' narrative, nor do I blame all men of entire countries for the awful things their government are doing, theres no way they all think like that. Men aren't the only people who follow Islam, and if you're so passionate about empowering women or whatever ask yourself why you'll tear down entire religions/beliefs to make your point.

There is a wild difference in a woman being bound to the house due to laws and culture forbidding them, and you hating a group who also has a right to be in public and Ime suggesting that you might want to stay home to avoid them if they ruffle your feathers that bad. You do not get to weaponize the suffering of others to claim life is unfair to you when it is about incomparable matters.

( also: Women could walk outside at night alone, if they wanted to. They aren't banned from doing so. I can not guarantee they would all be safe, the night holds risk for everyone, ranging from falling on your face to being assaulted. I love walking around at night, there's some odd individuals sometimes though. I realize that at 6'1 ish and 280 pounds I'm not a prime target for most violence, however. Its up to the individual to weigh risks of literally everything they do. It is an unfortunate reality, and I'm not sure what this had to do with this topic)

[thesuntookgoodcareofme]

A million people have said this in a million different and better ways etc etc but I think that this online networking (but not always about "working") that is the internet is so exhausting because there just isn't a home I can run to anymore. People can contact me at any time, message me in real time, see if I'm online, ask me when will i respond, speak thousands of paragraphs that wont disappear with time, all social media are well, made out of people, theres so many niches of people, so many merging niches, everyone is so intrisically connected, the time goes by extremely fast, yet the past exist intact still in those fifteen year old videos and forums you can access at any time. Everyone is everywhere!!! And I sure do like being able to revisit nostalgic old videos, and being able to contact people fast when something unexpected happen, and get to know about more music and talk to people from far away and have loving unexpected friendships... Evolution is bound to happen and its synonym is "Change", not necesseraly "Improvement".

So perhaps I could say that the internet is neutral, but in my current state, it seems everything and everyone i most hate and love live inside my head forever. There is more them than there is me inside of my head, but that would be also a mistake, since I am they, too. It is my head, and they live here, we are one and so many.

I wonder if I'd do better without technology, no technology at all in the world, because everytime I "take a break" from tumblr, I in another site, and when I am not online I am still here, in my mind, because of my age, I was kind of raised here. but I believe that giving up "being online" in general is a situation like having to take medicine - you think it's not working because you got used to the effects and once you stop you see that you are still ill.

I think my problem is highly emotional, although the general handling of the internet is not well controlled ( or yet, controlled to make you stay here connected) - I think I wish that the world could stop for a second and I dont think it's absurd to want that. And this Idea not being absurd also makes me feel bad

[underscorecc]

1.

every time i dump a bunch of shit thats been on my chest it usually starts with all the problems in my life. maybe its because im just shooting from the hip but i find myself stuck in the should-have-beens and the varying levels of "not good enough" but i think ive had enough and for once im putting the shit that runs on the hamster wheel in my head out there where maybe someone can connect and understand and realize they are like me or visa-versa. unfortunately youll have to forgive the lack of proper grammatic structuring and the vagueness, but i dont really care enough beyond stringing my thoughts together in a way that someone can comprehend them, and my lack of specificity is partly to isolate this page from my life, and partly so that those who can possibly connect with some of these topics are able to just a little more.

heres where im at: i've just been through a breakup about a week ago, and even though it was on really good terms, ive opted to keep her out of my life for the time being. im sick of being obsessed and letting someone hold so much power over me (not that she was particularly dysfunctional). we even alluded to getting back together in some undecided amount of time, a time when she can be single for a bit and i can fix the major parts of my dysfunctional life. i dont really care about the breakup. she meant a lot to me but im just sick of her right now and of the apathy. i texted her that i wanted her out of my life so that i can get her out of my head (we originally opted to stay best friends despite the breakup) but that didnt really work.

anyways

off the top of my head i can categorize "dysfunctional" in the context of what im dealing with rn goes like this:

1 - I'm sick of being a beta of sorts. I used to carry myself with a lot of alpha energy that just went out with a bang at the beginning of the last 6 months, which currently, have been the worst 6 months of my life. you might automatically direct your thoughts to me being some andrew-tate-manosphere-15-year-old-incel-cuck at the mention of alpha, but no. It's more in the sense that I had self respect, was much more consistent in the gym and with music, I was way more confident, and all in all I just felt like there was a future on that path that I was taking.

2 - I'm sick of having such a weak internal locus of control. In another perspective one could say I have made leaps and bounds in terms of my level of control and discipline, and they wouldn't be wrong. from where my standards are set, it's nowhere near enough. maybe my goals are "unrealistic" or "too tall" but when you shoot for the moon, even if you miss, youll land amongst the stars. for now, my withered coomer-brain needs a reset, which probably involves some sort of dopamine desensitization, so when i start doing that i'll update on this blog.

3 - I'm sick of my selective pseudo social anxiety. when it comes to social dynamics, once im situated, i find myself more than competent in being engaging, and more often than not im the center of attention, but even so i find there's this level of desperation in the way that i entertain. not to say that im bad at it, no im the fucking best; no one does it like me. at the same time, i find myself feeling that when im joking with a group of friends or just making small talk theres this underlying begging of "please pay attention to me and validate me and dont leave me" that i pick up on, and if i pick up on it others may very well too.

all of these issues tie into eachother in more ways than i can imagine, and for the most part i can trace these issues to their source, the rejection, the shit talking, the anxiety, the deflated sense of self-value/importance/respect, the lack of self control, etc. so right now i guess i need to focus on just fucking doing it or something i dont know.

one of the things i find people (including myself) struggle to do the most is to come to terms with the fact that making significant change involves doing hard shit. for example, if you want to have a nice body and be strong just lift a lot of heavy shit and dont eat like a fatass. It really is that simple (not to imply that simplicity = ease) but so often i find people snorting lines of copium by doing some crazy intricate crash diet or giving in to defeat by saying "oh my basal metabolic rate is too low to lose weight" or "my bicep insertions look weird thats why i dont have good arms" (stay with me here i promise it'll come back to the main topic soon) and you could say that those are good excuses to give up, but you arent going to be any more satisfied with yourself by logically worming yourself out of putting in effort, because it takes effort.

I only said all that because i feel like thats what i do all the fucking time and its probably the crux of all my issues and it makes me fucking crazy. being decently smart doesnt help at all either, because i can logic my way out of fucking everything now, which has probably been the primary contributor to landing me where i am now. It reminds me of the most stand out part of fight club to me, "How's that working out for you?...Being Clever". If i were asked that by a one tyler durden i would say "its the fucking worst".

im all over the place now because my comprehension of this intangible dissatisfaction with myself, which i simultaneously can put into words succinctly, yet also could not describe with all the words of all the languages. i dont want to end abruptly here because it feels like theres more i could go off of, but i cant. tldr; its not over but like shit stinks bad rn :)

[megismorallysunny]

17/09/23

its been quite a while, i told myself in july i would talk about the barbie movie, but well that didnt end up happening. i felt awkward writing and i feel awkward now, school started 3/4 weeks ago and its been going pretty ok, ill talk more about that. so first things first the barbie movie was spectacular, i loved it so much, it was so amazing no words, speechless. i dont know if i mentioned this but i went on holiday again, i went to mallorca in june for a week and alicante in spain for 2 weeks. i grew sick of my brother after that, i hope someday we can be friends but i just cannot stand him. my mom said that i will regret not being friends with him when im older just like she did, but i just cant stand being around him. my mom may regret not being friends with my uncle then but atleast there friends now (not for long unfortunately, hes sick). Spain was pretty boring, yes i know im a lil spoilt but we went to spain cuz its cheap (cheaper than staying down the road). i started playing a lot of total drama then stopped after the start of school. Im glad that im actually able to focus on my school work better because i genuinely cannot focus, i really struggled last year cuz i did it in silence and always put it off. now i started watching qsmp along with doing my homework cuz now i feel better doing my homework, my brain just works better when its hearing something and my brain is doing something else at the same time doing my hw. i think its due to when i was younger there was never silence around me when doing my hw, there was always talking always a programme, always something. im doing higher level english, im scared about doing shit in it like every other higher subject im in. but i think im doing good in english, or atleast mediocre, my teacher said that some of my work wasnt the best, which fair nuff it isnt. but i wrote something and it was kinda cringe but my teacher said it was good, and it wasnt cringe as in furry abo type shit i wrote it was more me saying "chillingly good use of onomatopeia" omg i just felt so stupid reading it out, i figured out why it feels so invasive reading it out and its because it feels like reading a diary and your specifically asked to read out ur feelings and opinions about it, unless i say something hateful about it i dont feel comfortable saying it. im doing bad in higher maths i just cannot understand somethings but i dont want to spend more time on it so i might i might not, im scared that i just wont understand it and theres people dumber than me in there, and it feels like i shit also cuz im dumb, i struggle with comprehending things, and i just go on my phone all the time, because i just get so bored, i wish that i would be able to learn things at my own pace (fast but slow at things i dont understand) and i just wish i could learn what i wanted to, i know i can learn maths i just struggle and i dont know why. did i mention im stupid? did i? because your bound to think so now, last year in higher irish i got 23% on my summer exam, and this year i got a note from my parents to move to lower, and i went to give it to him and he gave such a good speech i said okay yeah sure, like how dumb am i?? all my friends looked aound at me and were like "that was your one chance" "why didnt you leave" it was a little demotivating but if theres one thing i can do its spite people, from an early age ive discovered people insulting me is the best power for my success, its better if it feels like they mean it. e.g i couldnt hit a ball in pe with a bat, someone tried to take it off me (multiple ppl) and they said cmon you cant do it, that was really a good motivator because as soon as they reached for it i hit the ball super high. anyways im now learning irish and im struggling really. but duolingos helping, alot. were back to talking to our french penpals and i wrote the most complicated english because i got excited she said i was a nice girl, shes so sweet i love her. i wrote way too much so im gonna go now, have a good morning, day or night.