#theres always that feeling that i mightve missed some details

[ybetzarts]

Shadow, but he smiling!?💫🖤❤️

[Close-up and a doodle from last time⬇️]

[hexcryingwolf]

ohhh, nooo. mm no. nuh uh. no no no you fucking cunt i am NOT letting this one slide. how FUCKING dare you say this. i know every other thing you say is a lie but this is fucking inexcusable.

you do not fucking “act to save lives”, you have actively ignored or blatantly suicide baited MULTIPLE people and i have the fucking logs to prove it

i stayed in the flora community after the april 2018 fallout because i cared about and believed that the people there were being honest. obviously that was a fucking lie and i wish i had bailed when the truth about the zoo shit came to light but i didnt, and it nearly killed me. i was having almost daily panic attacks in that community, and i will always own that i am responsible for how i acted and hurt people, being under constant duress doesnt make it not my fault. i left. i shouldve stayed away. i came back. left. came back. multiple times. it was a cycle. it was how id hide when things got too scary. my reaction to what was happening in there was to run away but i kept fighting that instinct. but then i left for good, and that comes down to one specific incident. i only have a few of the logs, hopefully theyre enough. early may, 2019. theres a member of the server, S, who for a long time was struggling with their health in the face of the american health care system. i dont know the details but they were sick. enough that they had resigned themself to the idea that they would die soon so one day, theyre in the vent channel talking about that. this is where im missing logs, i dont remember what prompted it or what exactly was said, but the talk turned from hopeless to suicidal, and i was there, and i was scared being in this community exacerbated suicidal ideation i had always struggled with to a dangerous degree. not all of it was necessarily a direct result of things that happened in there, but the rapid decay of my self esteem was making life difficult in general. self loathing, self harming, multiple calls to hotlines, and a trip to the hospital on one occasion. so the feelings S was expressing, i felt i understood. and it scared me so fucking badly. i didnt want them to die. we were friendly but not super close, but i didnt want them to die. i wanted to help them, to do something it got worse, when another member, B, popped in and kinda made light of the situation. i dont remember exactly what they said, but i got upset at them for whatever it was, then they revealed that they were suicidal as well. i think both S and B left the server at this point

i was a fucking wreck. i didnt know what to do. i think this mightve been the incident that set me off so badly irl was was having a full blown panic attack and my mom tried to take my phone from me but i refused and it was so fucking bad. i was terrified

so i pinged the mods

first mod to respond, shikka, sees the members left the server and says something to the tune of “oh thats a shame”. just. barely a reaction. when i calm down later i try to express why that bothered me so much. no one else in the server was upset to a degree i felt was warranted. i think someone even said to not intervene, to “respect their wishes” (going over these logs again i think it was shikka who said it)

we were always encouraged to dig to the root of feelings in this way, but in retrospect “people are talking about dying and i am upset that im the only one reacting to it” shouldve been reason enough. i mustve made some comment along the lines of “if it was me, would i be ignored to?” judging by the logs i do have. but i was frantic, and i left the server. i didnt think at the time it would be the second-to-last time id ever leave.

later or maybe the next day, i go back to the server. im kept in welcome chat at first because glip didnt want me to go in and yell at people like i had earlier. they were willing to just let me back in, but i wanted to talk about it. seeing others’ suicidal ideation be treated like no big deal was scary because i was also suicidal and i was afraid if i ever did something that no one would try to help me

i dont think thats an unreasonable reaction, honestly? its self centered but i think its also valid and understandable

i guess glip disagreed

people in crisis may not ask for help. i understood that, because id been there. the idea that we should only help when asked? that is so incredibly scary. terrifying. and lets remember, glip said

bullshit.

i babble about how we werent close, i was really fucking scrambled by this question honestly. because i knew exactly what glip was implying: im not close enough with this person to intervene.

bitch i would and i have talked to complete and utter strangers expressing suicidal ideation. its what any decent fucking person would do.

but moving on.

i get where theyre coming from in my selfish feelings over this. two people are potentially in crisis and my panic attack isnt helping. i get it.

but is it really so unreasonable that i react to seeing the bad ending to a situation i truly felt i might someday find myself in? is it really so unreasonable that id be scared about what that could mean for me?

put a pin in that last thing glip said, its gonna be important

just reading this now makes me feel lightheaded. why is it wrong to feel guilty that you werent able to help someone in crisis? i dont think it is. i think its just a sign that you have basic human empathy but what do i know.

ok, i think i get what youre saying about how you “act with saving lives in mind” glip. you didnt act in this specific situation, and the way you phrase that absolves you of any responsibility for your inaction.

two people, in a server YOU administrated, were expressing suicidal ideation

but as long as you do nothing, you can just ignore that.

no comment.

so eventually im just so beaten down i accept that, as a suicidal person, i was the bad guy for panicking when i was triggered by what looked to me to be active suicidal intent.

i dont even know what else to say. its just making me lightheaded again reading it.

god. i agree that its shitty to make another person’s crisis about myself but. i dont think it was unreasonable that i was triggered. i dont think it was unreasonable to see a familiar situation and think “what about me?” it dont think its wrong to be selfish in that way. i know my actions in the moment of said crisis were definitely wrong, but i dont think my feelings were.

i am sorry for making a chaotic situation worse with my feelings, but i do not apologize for my feelings.

but every. little. thing. that they dont like? makes you the bad guy

glip. hey glip? you not choosing to disengage when you didnt want to talk to me WAS NOT MY FUCKING FAULT. you letting me be a part of your community when all i did was cause you grief WAS NOT MY FUCKING FAULT. you not being able to enforce your own boundaries WAS NOT MY FUCKING FAULT.

like. i dont even know how to articulate how fucked up this is. am i missing something? is this not bat-shit insanity?

they just, straight-up, cannot take accountability for anything.

as a side note, when this convo was happening i was voice chatting+screen sharing with my then-boyfriend now-husband. i asked him just now and he doesnt remember what exactly was said, but he could hear how much it shook me up, and how i was crying by the end of it. im so thankful he was there with me.

anyway, im let back into the server and on stage glip starts making the first call-clout comic. i end up getting upset (thats an entirely story on its own) and leave for the very last time. i still try to maintain my connections, i still think at this point that ill be part of the community again if i just work hard enough, but within a year just about all ties are cut. good riddance.

so, yeah, to the original point about how glip claims to only act with saving lives in mind? bullshit. i dont know what happened with S, but B and i are still friends to this day. unfortunately for you, glip, because that means i know that my assumption that you all didnt care

was correct

you didnt do shit. no one did. even shikka, who was a mod and someone who B (at least at the time and afaik) considered a friend

did shit all.

which is a real sneaky way for you to get away with saying

because not acting at all means you can just wash your hands of it

but on the other hand

sometimes

you do act

you do something like

make a 700 page vn about one specific person that culminates in

hey

hey glip?

do you know what this is?

this is suicide baiting.

yanno i was accused of suicide baiting once because someone was upsetting me and i said something like “how would you feel if you found out i killed myself because of this” which WAS A SUPER SHITTY THING OF ME TO SAY, i will never deny that. but that aint suicide baiting. you guys really liked to twist definitions in your favour.

because you know what is suicide baiting?

telling someone that their life has no value. telling them that they mean nothing to their friends and family by saying nothing of value would be lost if they were to die. saying their death would be of no consequence.

because they were kinda pushy about wanting to talk about how a particular story on your site upset them.

that action meant that, as a human being, they had no value.

so when you say

i have a hard time believing it.

[i-need-some-advice-on]

I need some advice to why im feeling upset over being confused for a specific thing.

Sorry for it being so long i just dont know how much info is needed for ppl to give me advice.

I work for a company, we are almost 100 employees so its not a mega corporation. Located in western europe. I really like my job.

Today we had a special day where we got to brainstorm ideas and showcase fun things for everyone etc. usually during these special days we are sorted into groups where we sit and discuss how to improve teamwork and communication etc, its usually the last thing in the agenda before AW.

So i sit among my colleagues chatting and one of the managers walks up to us and asks for a person from each department to form groups. So i assumed we we’re gonna do the same old discussion thing as always and joined a group.

There was no clear info on what we were gonna talk about. Or i mightve been the only one who missed that, because everyone started discussing jira tasks and asked me questions on what QA should know when it cames to bug testing graphics. And since I wasn’t prepared for the topic i didnt have a clear answer. But it was all in all a good discussion that we had for like an hour or so.

I get back to my desk in my department and asks the other artists what they discussed during their group meeting. And they looked at me confused going “we had no discussion group. We have all been working here the past hour.”

They had no idea about the meeting i just had. And i somehow felt very uncomfortable and confused and overall not happy all of a sudden. My manager had already left so i couldnt bring it up with him. I plan to do so on monday.

Thing is… i feel pretty upset? I even cried a little bit on the train home. I thought i was following our schedule but apparently i spent that hour on smth else. Why do i feel so bad about it?? Technically nothing bad happened and we had a good discussion. But i couldnt enjoy the AW and left early. And now i sit here with a big lump in my throat and i just dont know why.

Idk if its any good extra context but i have ADHD and it sometimes makes me miss out on details during meetings etc, and when they asked us to form groups there was a lot of talking from all directions so i def didnt hear everything they said. I also have experienced a panic attack that was triggered by work related things caused by lack of clear understanding of my work hours. But that stuff was months ago and i have recovered really well mentally, HR helped me get in touch with a good psychologist. Again i wanna emphasize that, compared to other work places, i love my job and i do feel happy working here. But idk maybe theres a connection between my past anxiety and the emotional confusion i now feel about being told to go to a meeting that wasnt on my schedule. And everyone else werent informed about it.

.