#theres always a part of me that thinks im the worst person ever because of them its so bad idk

[cherrylight]

i have so many things i want to do on here!! oh my goddddd!!! i want to be unapologetically me! i just get so nervous and i fear like im being too much on here !!!!!

like!!! i want to post silly incorrect quote stuff on here :( and talk about my selfships and silly fandoms i love .... and my silly self insert that makes me so happy ... and post MORE AND MORE AND MORE BUT IM SO NERVOUSSSSSSSSS

it makes no sense !!!!! i mean i guess it does..... having someone who kind of puts you down all the time for the things you share with them makes you terrified to do literally anything and thats actually sooooooooo frustrating.......... wahhhhh

besides ........ i really wanna do something for my birthday blargh!! >_<

[snekdood]

so august 2018 is when my peak being-crazy-made art craziness happened, huh

[ganondoodle]

i have seen people talk about how hard it is to draw anything if you have aphantasia (which is good to talk about and true and valid and also intersting to read and this post isnt to devalue that, two things can coexist etc etc)

i personally struggle with the opposite; i have incredible imagination, i'd say it's my best and only "inate talent", (this is not a brag ..) all stories i think about are movies, i can stop them, change camera angle and poses, rotate ever object however i want, place lighting sound and voices, even styles, i switch from ghibli to botw to fortiches style, even into the style of a comic i recently read which wasnt even animated, the only thing that only works half the time is music-

and that all might sound fantastic, but its a mess, it goes too fast and too quickly, things never play out one way, theres interruption, involuntarily sudden changes to other subjects, i feel like struggling to keep an angry horse on one path, it makes me waste HOURS each day just reversing and redoing a scene like im a movie director wizard in my head, theres no ONE finished version, it changes everytime yet i go back over and over again to make it better, i forget most of it within a few hours anyway; even IRL when someone tells me about a memory and they are not sure if i was with them during it once they start to explain trying to make me remember it instead i will imagine it, in the end i wont be sure if i actually remembered or if i just imagined it too real, it scares me how much i forget and cant remember only for my mind to make shit up, makign me doubt my own memory (its weird how it works, i have horrible geographical memory, when i drive somwhere i have known my entire life i need to remember the path to it by imagining driving it, i remember significant things but not the path to them or how they connect or in what order, i have to go through it in my head every single time)

by far the worst part though is that extreme disconnect between whats in my mind and what i can do, just because i can imagine things like that doesnt mean i can draw it (god i WISH), nothing i have ever drawn is how it was in my head, the few things you get to see are the ones i won the fight against myself with to keep going and say 'good enough' at some point the speed is a problem too, the things playing in my head, sometimes even multiple at the same time, play like, again, a movie, whatever im trying to draw is rarely ONE thing, its a whole scene that plays over and over, i want to draw it all but it wont work bc my mind is too fast and i am too slow, it makes me try to skip ahead and get things done as fast as possible, it NEVER works (also too much, theres so many things in my head, i have almost the entirety of the totk rewrite in my head already, novels worth of lore and story for my other projects, its overwhelming how much is in there that i cannot get out and on paper)

its why comics take me so long to make, why detailed paintings are so rare, its the rare times i can force myself to try and tune out my mind and just work on what is in front of me, usually works for a few hours .. if i can manage to reach that sort of focus at all, its why basic sketches of characters are so much easier to do bc i dont have to fight as hard to just draw a character doing nothing- as soon as i want to make it a sketch page of things and scenes the movies are back and are there to haunt me until i cry and give up after hours of trying to keep up with my mind that i will never be able to catch up to (and this is only about drawing .. )

i know skill and speed increase over time, but i wont ever get to where my mind is, its always ahead and trying to skip and jump towards it only makes me stumble and fall flat on my face- maybe its ADHD, maybe its the autism, maybe its the depression, maybe its just me, maybe its just all of that

what im trying to say is, head full, too much thought, too fast, never able to translate it into viewable things in the way and speed as my head works, i explode

[insufferableprotagonistpoll]

Round 1

Propaganda why Dean Winchester is insufferable:

"This man is racist against anyone other than humans and abused the people he was supposed to love the most. He literally abandons Castiel at his most vulnerable and never lets Sam leave the whole hunting monsters thing. Worst part is that the fandom will get behind him and defend him because what, he’s pretty? Pretty much a terrible person, more like. I sympathize with his backstory but Dean has ZERO character development during the course of 15 whole seasons. When he DOES have development it involves abusing someone. Sam tries to be a normal person and always gets punished for it. The only hint we have that Dean might’ve been trying to change is a piece of paper in the final episode AFTER HE DIES. then guess what? Sam lives out his whole life and has a family 😭 that’s very, very telling."

"misogynistic scumbag. theres also a few different times that dean finds teenagers sexy with the most recent and prominent example that i can recall being the scooby doo crossover episode in season 13 where hes super into daphne who in the version they chose for the episode is 15-16 and is interacting with her as if shes a real person cause they got magicked into the episode. he treats everyone around him like shit and the only time the narrative agrees that thats a bad thing is when he has the mark of cain put on him and hes acting no differently than he does usually its just now acknowledged that hes treating others like shit. ive been rewatching the show for shits and giggles with a friend and wow he really does not treat anyone well but i wanna focus on how he treats sam for a second cause dude's hobby seems to be ignoring what his brother wants and lying to sam about doing stuff that directly concerns him the demon blood and souless things are reasonable cause those were both Bad for sam but theyre still part of a wider pattern and the most prominent example of this being when dean tricks sam into letting gadreel possess him and actually gaslights sam about it with the whole ordeal ending when its revealed gadreel lied about who he was and while possessing sam murders a friend of theirs. his voice is just also stupid as fuck im sorry this is just petty but he just sounds like hes trying so hard to be gruff n intimidating but he just sounds like a kid pretending to be batman"

"Dean’s list of sins is crazy long because of how long the show ran, but the key thing for me is that post-locking Sam in the bunker (season 4 I think?), I just can’t enjoy their relationship anymore. I normally love their sibling dynamic, but Dean’s ultimate worst past-the-point-of-no-return moment for me was demonizing (pun intended) his little brother for being “addicted” to demon blood, which only happened because of a series of events that were either Dean’s or someone else’s fault, not Sam’s. I also really dislike how the fandom treats Dean like this angel (pun intended) who has done no wrong and even tries to justify the MULTIPLE times he’s beaten up and otherwise abused his little brother. Canon Dean is like the polar opposite of fanon Dean: he’s homophobic and racist (jokes about a Black man being sexually assaulted in prison), misogynistic (take a shot every time he calls a woman a slur and you’ll die of alcohol poisoning), and abusive."

"Misogynistic asshole and too many of the things he does get treated as not actually bad or even good by both fans and the show when he violates peoples autonomy and is incredibly abusive to the people he loves the most. And it wouldn't be as annoying if people didn't justify so many of his behaviors or if he ever changed or even just was seen as a bad guy in the show more than he is."

">Was a misogynist (loved to call women skanks, bitches, hoes)

>Used gay as an insult multiple time during the show's run (idc if he's gay an homophobic, that's still insulting)

>Beat up his brother for being possessed

>Beat up his brother for losing his soul (not his brother's fault)

>Used dubious consent to get his brother possessed in a different unrelated possession incident after possession was being used (badly...this is supernatural after all) as a metaphor for SA

>Threatened to murder his brother when he was hallucinating (yay we aren't ableist)

>Locked a child up in a box

>Threatened to kill the child he locked up in a box

>Made a creepy, sexual comment about a barely-legal high school girl

>Got the woman and kid he was living with memory-wiped"

"Really mean to Cas (called him a child, zero respect for him, calls him family and casts him out when the angels are looking for him), and an absolute dick to Jack (threatening to kill him CONSTANTLY)"

Propaganda why Batman/Bruce Wayne is insufferable:

"Always has to be right. Does the most janked up stuff and doesn't care who it hurts. Imposes his will on others to the point of willing to bodily harm them if they do not comply (and yes, this does include his children)"

"I’ll also support Batman as a candidate because of the slapping Robin meme, which is annoying, and because he is just way too much. Too much all the time."

"Has to always be right, regardless of situation. Because somehow the billionaire has knowledge of how middle class people think."

"Obviously it's the writers who have screwed him over, but my gods the fact that he can do whatever he freaking wants and still be "the hero" bcs hes the main character is insufferable. He killed his son (slit his throat) in one canon, in the canon where said son survives, he’s beaten half to death by Bruce, who of course is "in the right" because B thought J had tried to murder someone. He can hit his kids, he can be a total asshat to people, and yet he's still framed as being in the right for doing so, simply becaude he's the protagonist. There's no character development, no "whoops maybe I shouldn't have hit dick/punched tim/beaten and exhiled jason" - and it's so damn infuriating. He used to be fun. He used to be a good dad.

Now he's just an insufferable prick."

"Oooh look at me, I'm brooding in my cave because my parents died and this gives me an excuse to be a bad father, he's SO ANNOYING"

"Always has to be right. Will literally alter the makeup of his kid's brain because said kid doesn't live the way he wants him to. Acts like his worldview is the only one that matters."

"he is always portrayed as good and right by the narrative even if objectively he's a pretty terrible person"

[instantinternetcrush]

i’m not used to people caring about me in the way i actually need or want. babe, you scare me a bit. there’s a reason i fuck everything up before anything has the chance to be anything more than a pipe dream.

i start talking to her vaguely, drunkenly, about vulnerability. i crave it, but i can’t take it. i get it, and i get scared in the way a raccoon does at night when you shine a flashlight at it while its rifling through your trash.

i need it though. in that not-too-soft, but still there, somehow, against every odd way not a single soul has been able to replicate. believe me when i say i’ve tried. when i say i’ve told you what i want.

there’s a reason i do everything drunk. impaired. whatever adjective lets me view everything that happens as some sort of third party.

i care about you, but somehow not enough. somehow never in the right way. i compensate by romanticizing everything in the worst way. i’ll fixate on the terrible parts of everything and then fall in my version of love with it.

i’ll tell people i love the things i know im supposed to. your hand in my hair, the smile you give me when i make a dumb nonsequiter joke that isn’t worth the effort it takes to laugh. but if i were honest with myself, with anyone; i live for the parts that should be red flags.

i think of you pulling on my chain like a dog. your bruising grip on me in the club whenever i spoke to another man.

i tell her i’m the person everyone calls when people even remotely in my life have emergencies. i’d still pick up for everyone i haven’t spoken to since august. every time a spammer calls i answer anyway.

i couldn’t say what drives me to that. that desperate desire to be wanted. like an animal in a shelter, babe, i’ll do whatever if it means you’ll take me home and hold me close til you get tired of being what i need you to be.

‘it doesn’t take much,’ i tell her. i fall easy when i deem it worth it and boy do i fall hard.

i wanna say you’re different. some part of me says i knew it’d be like this, the opposing side says something about how i call bullshit on everything as some type of avoidance.

she tells me i’m a commitment-phobe. that i hide from everything except her son, who is the only human being on the planet who has never asked a damn thing from me.

(when i say im a dad, i mean for a year and 11 months i was the pseudo parent for a terminally ill toddler. i still mean it because now it’s been two years and change since i’ve been a functional parent for a kid who has no real mother or father.)

mostly because he lacks the words to tell me he needs more. everyone needs more than i can humanly give but i still give it willingly. who cares if you’re sucking the marrow from my discarded bones. i wasn’t using it anyway, right? i’m sure you need it more.

it’s easier for me to tell my secrets here. where i’m hiding in plain sight and nothing i say or do particularly matters so long as i string words together in ways people can shoehorn themselves between.

all this to say you do it different. it’s easier for me to detach myself completely and be honest in the way i know im supposed to when you’re a couple hundred miles away and more in love with the idea of who i am than the real self that always lurks just out of your line of sight.

you know i’m mean. cold hearted. some deep seated issues with intimacy buried so deep it’ll take one of my parents dying to ever actually address in any real or meaningful way. you hold my hand in the club anyway.

somehow you recognize the far off and terrified look in my eyes when my disconnected brain actually does the math on how many people i’m in a room with.

and you ask if i’m ok. you take me somewhere quiet enough where i can hear myself think and you hold onto my fragile wrists just tight enough to remind me that i live on this planet with every other bastard with two hands and a heart.

somehow you recognize a different lilt in my forced laugh when i’m poking fun at myself and theres something behind your eyes that betrays a level of care i never expected or saw coming from you. you look me in the eyes just enough, with just enough callousness that i do believe you when you tell me, perhaps begrudgingly, that you care whether i live or die. that you like my company.

she tells me you’re perfect and i suspect for a moment that she also knows me better than i’d like to acknowledge. i understand from her perspective. i understand from my own if im being fully honest. she says that the way you spoke about me, half asleep and half drunk, wrapped around me like you’d die if you took your hand off of me- no chance you thought this was anything other than exactly what i needed.

in spite of it all. every year that’s passed, every poorly received joke, every drunk phone call, you’re still here.

she says you were obviously waiting. that you aren’t disappointed by what you got after all of it.

but you’re here. after everything you’re still here. your head on my chest and my hands on your shoulders and i don’t want to ever be anywhere else.

i can’t shut up about you, you know. i play coy with my family. tell them i’ve got a musician friend in the desert with curly hair and a penchant for off color jokes. tell my friends i need to make you my wife and refuse to elaborate when they inevitably ask for details. you know better than anyone i like keeping my secrets.

somehow you’ve managed to figure me out. the important bits at least. the parts i try my hardest to hide. there will be time for everything else later.

[vegantinatalist]

What are some poor experiences you've had getting to know men intimately? Just out of curiosity

thankfully never was raped or struck or anything but every one across the board was thoughtless in a dangerous way. medical emergency where i cant speak? they stand there blinking and confused and then leave with 0 concern, not just once but consistently no matter much i explain shit. frustrated? punch hole in the wall, trigger a panic attack in me. im crying because something shitty happened to me? "idk what to say". their friend is a raging dangerous asshole and dropping massive red flags? "oh idk hes not so bad, maybe he is but idk if its my place to say something"

if you ever try to be a real person around them they automatically get irritable. if you dont act like a happy stupid baby 24/7 they are uncomfortable. they are incapable of doing a drop of emotional labor for you and unknowingly expect you to do emotional labor for them 24/7 and will throw a tantrum if you stop. and even if you never stop they will still complain about how no one really emotionally helps them (because we cant reach into their brains and think their thoughts for them and make them emotionally regulated 24/7 with no effort on their part.) even just trying to hang and be friends is impossible because they like nitpicking literally everything and being contradictory or turning literally everything into something about them. they have 0 room for you in their heart and brain even if they really want to. they just dont understand how to think from other peoples perspectives or talk WITH people. theres videos of men admitting it took them like 10 years to realize their wife was a person with a perspective that was actually interesting and not something to just be annoyed at. highkey addictive personalities. women can be addiction prone too but my god i swear its worse with men. they have like 0 ability to resist addictions so on top of their regular personality theyre always pissy and distracted from sugar or caffiene or overeating or drinking or weed or multiple or worse shit. 0 accountability. they genuinely do not fucking think thoughts so you go through rounds of "is this guy fucking with me? is he an abuser?" and "oh wow no hes really just that stupid" on loop endlessly. you cant get them to work on issues unless you pretend its literally entirely out of their control and not their fault because thats how they perceive all their actions to be.

and this is all the least bad kind of man. going up from here you get super condescending and controlling men, delusional religion/magic believing men (who are always psychotically lusty for some reason?) and then just rage filled men who are beaters and rapists some of the worst personal experiences in getting to know men (all different men)-

-finding 4 terabytes of pregnant loli porn on their computer

-finding out they were a more hardcore nazi than any comedic depiction of one could dream of being

-realizing they just straight up left the room after watching me collapse on the floor mumble nonsense and pass out -telling me they want to rape me (i told him to think about optimus prime to calm him down and distract him deadass)

-telling me they want to threaten to eat an animal to make me fuck them (im a vegan animal rights activist) -telling me they fucked a dog before -telling me they groomed a dog to fuck them before (completely different guy from different part of the world)

-they told me my mom was faking it as she literally lay obviously dying (this is not exaggeration it was confirmed by doctors she was in fact dying) -finding out they tortured a kitten on purpose just to hurt all the girls he knew cause he just, didnt like girls (a little boy i thought was nice, no they were not abused in any way) -tried to physically stop me from getting my dog to a vet after he had an obvious neck wound because "im being dramatic" (his money was not on the line here, the neighbors were going to pay because it was their fault, he just wanted to be Right About Something)

-cheated on me ("im sorry i didnt know that counted as cheating!" not officially breaking it off with the last girl before you make moves on me? yeah thats cheating) -cheated on me with my bully and then when she called him a moron for wanting to be with me he told her im sorry (??) -told me to just gorilla glue a gaping infected wound closed Men are literally just illusions they literally dont even exist inside, just dont engage

[roseworth]

vote in my poll boy but also im gonna skew my own results by giving my opinion. here’s my personal ranking of rose writers

sean mckeever: FRESH HELL <3 literally THE rose book. also tt03 #57 slayed. he ALMOST gets knocked down on the list because a) the fucking shitshow that was terror titans and b) he backtracked on like 3 different character arcs as soon as he started writing tt and it pisses me off. but he redeemed himself with fresh hell

geoff johns: i hate johns so much. but he solidified sooo much about rose as a character that he has pretty much the definitive rose. what he did completely defined rose's relationship with her father and her attitude towards the titans/being a hero in general. whether they realize it or not, every rose writer after johns is writing his version of her. as much as i hate him he is one of the best rose writers and i will stand by that

christopher priest: i have not made it a secret that i love ds16. there are some aspects of his characterization that i dont agree with but for the most part he killed it tbh. hating her dad but still coming back to him, loving her brother but still keeping him at arms length, HOSUN!!! HER HMONG FAMILY!!!!!!! ily priest

ed brisson: SLAY. the only reason he's not higher is because i dont like the fact in general that she chose to be on stormwatch (she would not do that), and he used baby rose in ktr and didnt even mention lili (and DID mention that foster family. im still mad). other than that!!! everything about her struggle to be a good person in batb was soooo good, and so much about ktr was so good for her <3 thank u mr brisson

marv wolfman: i feel a little bad not ranking him higher given that. he created rose. but she doesnt really do much in the issues he writes. which is fair given that she was a new character that was just made to hang around on the sidelines at the time, so theres not a lot to judge in his writing. but he definitely laid the foundation that johns expanded on, and he was the one that made her so uh thnx marv

jt krul: i wish he had gotten more time :( i wish he had gotten to do whatever he was planning with lili, i wish we could've gotten to see more of his rose. his rose was def a different take than before given that she was more... mellowed out ig? it was a lot more lighthearted, just her hanging out with the team, being an older sister to damian (<3), and looking for her mom. hes not my fav just because i like it when shes a crazy bitch instead of a normal girl, but i completely understand why people like his rose. not to mention tt03 #77-78 slays so unbelievably hard

jay faerber: NANNY ROSE <33333 i love love love rose in titans 99 <3 this version of rose is DRASTICALLY different than any other rose, which is the reason hes in the bottom half, but i like it in the sense that its nice to know that she was just hanging out in between the two worst things to ever happen to her (her mom dying & slade drugging her). rose with roy and lian lives rent free in my head every single day of my life i love it so much, also that issue with rose & toni was so fun. titans 99 rose you will always be famous

adam beechen: he is going to hell for what he did to cass but for rose? he was fine. he helped with that one really good wilson family arc (tt03 #43-46), and wrote the only pre-52 rose & jason interaction (#47) so he gets points for that. and batgirl 2008 was pretty good for rose. but unfortunately he just didnt make enough of an impact on me to be ranked any higher

matthew rosenberg: unfortunately im mentally ill so i have a detailed explanation of what i think of rosenberg's rose but the short version is: i like him, he writes a good rose. its fun, shes well-written for the most part, but there are some :/ parts about it to me. i think if he continues writing her he'd be ranked higher but for now hes sitting pretty near the bottom of the list

devin grayson: i used to really like devin grayson's rose but. i have since changed my mind. it doesnt feel like rose. this is NOT the rose that stabbed her eye out because she thought slade was disappointed in her! shes too Quirky Girl here even though this is theoretically during the period where shes being drugged (honestly. i dont think grayson actually knew about the super soldier serum. and if she did it does not show) and we've seen rose in this era in tt03 and bg00, and this arc does not read as the same character at all. it was a good arc for her, and she had a lot of good moments here! but the characterization overall wasnt great

joshua williamson: i won't go on a whole tangent about the way williamson writes but. he has no sense of character voice, his characters all feel like blank slates to get the plot across, there are no character decisions being made besides what's needed for the plot. theres not a lot that i can put my finger on and say that its bad, but there are so few choices being made that its hard to say anything about his rose. to put a completely different character in rose's place in robin 2021, all you'd have to do is switch a few words around. williamson uses a vague idea of who a character is to guide what he wants them to do, and all his characters come out shallow. his rose wasnt BAD but it wasnt good at all

scott lobdell: every day i blow on a dandelion and wish for scott lobdell to kill himself

[shigayokagayama]

maybe a weird question, but do you have any recommendations for non-mob psycho media? I’ve been in search of something that hits similarly/is as well made and I trust your judgement o wise one. I’m not super picky, so recs of any kind would be appreciated :)

im like the worst person to take media recommendations from because you have to tie me down to watch something new and then i get obsessed with it forever, in terms of things ive seen recently that hit the same tumblr is NOT lying dungeon meshi is really good and if you start watching now you're gonna be watching at the part where it starts getting crazy

other stuff ive been into (gets progressively less mob psycho and generally more depressing like the further down we go bc i tend to get into really, really sad shit):

-i <3 deltarune but everyone has already played that. deltarune good. if you havent played deltarune play deltarune. genuinely like it more than undertale. also if the last chapter of deltarune is just the confession arc i called it and deserve a million dollars

-same w spiderverse. listen usually i dont care about superhero stuff but god these movies are good and i really hope they stick the landing.

-everything everywhere all at once continues to be one of my favorite movies ever

-rainworld (video game, very difficult but skurry's playthroughs do a good job summarizing the plot and general vibe of each route if you wanna watch those. i watched my friend play survivor ages ago and ive been playing through survivor with a friend on multiplayer and decided to watch some playthroughs to get a feel for the map and GOD DAMN the story of this game. rivulet route almost made me cry.) fair warning this is animal death the video game.

-severance (live action tv show, general plot is some sort of dystopian future where they invent a surgery where you can seperate your work self from your normal self so you clock into work and then black out until your shift is over. except your work self is just stuck at work forever. only 9 episodes but very, VERY good)

-i actually really enjoyed the scott pilgrim comics and the anime i wish anyone ever could be normal about them. id definitely suggest comics (if you can handle the 2000s humor) then anime. also basically everyone knows this but fair warning that starting out the main character is in his early 20s dating a 17 year old, it is explicitly treated as a shitty thing by the narrative and theres nothing explicit and its made very clear that he has 0 feelings for her whatsoever and is just using her as an ego boost but if youre sensitive to that stuff i might skip this one

-lots of webcomics about animals. i read so many webcomics about animals its like. my main media intake. this is part of the reason that i dont understand complaints about the art style my favorite webcomic looks like this

its called doe of deadwood and ill think about it until the day i die. others im currently reading (since this one wrapped a while ago) are "what lurks beneath" (cat cult on an island) "waves always crash" (cat cult on the beach) "i didnt know" (cat cult in a barn), toufati sawa (hyena trying to avenge her clan) and africa (leopard trying to survive the harshening world with her cubs) warning for animal death with all of these and general abuse warning for all those cat cult ones bc. cults.

-i like warrior cats. do not read warrior cats. its not very good and youll get stuck here forever.

-pathologic but the actual game and not just people describing the game please watch someone play the actual game summaries skip so much of the meat of the story and the characters. or play the game if you can bear learning to strategically quicksave. fair warning there is a lot of racism depicted against indigenous people in these games and while the framing of it generally aires on the side of "racism bad" there are a lot of kinda shitty tropes that come with it.

-listen bojack horseman is one of my shows it is the polar opposite of mob psycho in like every way and i would never in a million years recommend it if you want something that hits like mob psycho but if we're asking for just things i enjoy this is one of them. heavy cw for drug usage and abuse with this one. might want to give "does the dog die" a look for this one bc people are not joking about how heavy this show is

-same with hospice. hospice is a concept album about a hospice worker and a patient and has had more of an influence on me than any other piece of media ever bc i found it at the exact perfect time in my life for it to be relevant to my circumstances and now its like part of my identity. heavy cw for abuse also

-speaking of concept albums hey have you listened to tyler the creator he has several. WOLF especially i really like because the plot is actually like. kinda intricate. he also says the f slur a lot in WOLF but hes bisexual so diversity win?

-succession good. tw for like. everything though. probably "does the dog die" this one.

-hey have you ever watched david lynch's 1972 film "eraserhead"

[carmenvonx]

tw: vent, self harm, vaping, depression, ed

i dont even know where to start. im at a point in my life where im severely depressed, and the worst part is: theres nothing i can do to fix it, other than “just get over it”

but how do i just get over it? how do i get over feeling useless and broken? how do i stop thinking life is pointless? how do i get the motivation to do anything if nothing in my life feels worth living for?

my mother found my vape (again) and i cant even say anything. because what was i expecting, really? im a dumbass and an asshole and theres nothing i can say or do to change that. i vaped because it gave me something. something to feel, something to relax, something to not make me feel like shit. something that really helped with my ed.

i hate the person ive become. i look at messages ive sent from years ago, wondering where she went? i was funny. i was smart. i was creative. even if i still hated myself back then, atleast i still loved my personality. i dont recognize the girl i see in the mirror. i don’t recognize my own thoughts. i dont recognize the way im acting, the way im behaving. i can only mourn the loss of the person i use to be, considering no matter how hard i try to replicate some fragment of her, i cannot.

maybe im just dramatic.

theres something pathetic about having so much self hatred towards yourself. and you cant tell anyone, because you feel like a burden. i dont feel worthy of love. i dont feel worthy of anything.

things are getting bad again. really bad. its only been really bad once before in my life, but im afraid its back, and it feels ten times worse than ever before. my relationship with my mother is ruined. my relationship with my friends are ruined. all i have is myself, and i ruined her too.

ive had inteusive thoughts about hurting myself before, but ive never done it. i never planned to. i never wanted to, before. i told my mother a week ago i had these thoughts, and she thinks im “better now”. i tried telling her i felt the same but she just kept saying shes noticed a change in my behavior, in a good way. i just agreed. anything to feed her delusions, i guess.

i hurt myself. i did it because the urge to get better is strong, but the urge to get even worse is stronger. i was scared, not because it hurt, but because i liked it. i feel like im pathetic, even for that, because i dont cut too deep, i dont bleed enough, i hesitate.

what are you supposed to do when you dont feel like doing anything? ever? all day? when you just wanna rot in bed, and watch television of people living far better lives than you. when i was depressed i would laugh at these shows to feel better, but now i feel guilty for laughing.

i feel so hopeless ive never felt so hopeless before. ive never felt like dying more. why is depression always lurking? even on my happiest days deep in the night, to the worst days of my life where i wanna break down and die. how am i supposed to go to school tomorrow when i want to DIE? does anybody hear me? DIE.

why am i not taken seriously, why cant i just get the help i need. why does it feel like nobody cares. they tell you to go to school. they tell you they care. they dont. none of them do.

its the same old, same old. no cure. is this gonna be something that lives with me throughout all my life? if i even live to 18.

[sketchesandnonesense]

I feel like hell so I'm having profoundly Selfish thoughts today like

"I wonder if any doll makers would want to do a make-a-wish for my pathetic cancer riddled ass and make me a doll just right to my specifications as some kinda charitable christmas miracle"

Like

A doll is a very time consuming thing to make. And expensive. Theres a reason sculptors n customizers are expensive.

It's stupid to even think about.

Like yeah I'm 2 years into dealing with cancer and things are not looking Great if I'm entirely honest but I dont have an expiration date on my forehead and given the circumstances with the people in my life I am incredibly lucky.

So like.

I feel like a bad person even thinking about it.

Yknow?

Idk. Putting a cut just bc maybe it'll make me feel like I have SOME shame about overthinking this if that makes sense.

But I can't get the thought out of my head. Like.

Maybe in some fucked up way it could be mutually beneficial if they were one of those youtuber types or even just a smaller maker.

Doing something like bringing a cancer patient's dream doll to life could turn heads. Would make one hell of a good youtube video, for sure. Lol.

Worst thing is though is just. My dream doll is BB. Theres details I could alter and concede on and things but for the most part I want her to be directly like my sketches. Cartoony and simple.

I feel like I'm like a loser telling a sob story on deviantart saying my mom's uncle's hamster died n the only thing to help is free art from a stranger. A shameless choose-y beggar with a sob story.

But if you'll let me be alil melodramatic for a minute just so I can get it out of my system.

But

I've loved dolls all my life. Not always seen myself as much of a collector, really, but I love them. And one thing I always wanted was a doll that was Mine. Made exactly how I wanted, just for me. No hangups, no skimping on things, no compromises. It was a pipe dream. I wanted to be a doll maker so badly. But I was never good with physical crafts. They never came out right (rarely even came out GOOD at that). I tried and tried everything I could. Making plushies, clay, customizing pre-existing dolls, anything. Nothing worked. I just am not cut out for doll making.

So, I accepted this was something I needed a professional to do for me. And over the years I've trusted people with my characters and while I do adore the work I've gotten. None of it's ever Done It. Because I was always having to make a dozen little sacrifices. Having to account for the artist's style. Sometimes the design had to change to be more feasible and so it didnt cost as much. Sometimes it just straight up didnt turn out.

I remember as a kid I got enough christmas money to commission an itty bitty plush of my sonic OC from an expensive plush artist. I was so excited. I thought it was finally happening.

It was awful. Quality was mediocre at best. It was maybe 3 inches tall. And the eyes were this weird stiff fabric piece that kinda jutted out from the felt and looked glued on.

V petty side tangent, i know, but just kinda the first example where I tried to fufill this dream and it just. Fell through.

Its always still stuck with me through the years, trying again and again to make a doll, but all I have to show is boxes of half-used supplies im too ashamed to even look at.

And now I'm here again. Thinking about it.

I've said it before, but my past two years have been awful. 2023 was entirely eaten up by my chemo and radiation and recovering from having my entire stomach removed. Thought I was cancer free and was starting to find normal again. Then in january scans and biopsies I was told it came back. Liver, this time. This entire year has been trying different chemo drugs and scans and things looking up only to crash back down again.

And I'm so tired.

I actually was (technically still am) trying to commission someone to make my doll. Pay an artist properly like you should. I saved up and I figured I deserved it with everything. Im 27, I'm an adult, i can make my own decisions.

She didnt disclose she'd just moved. To a rural area. And was still struggling to get internet and plumbing situated. Or that there was much of a queue infront of me. Its my fault for not looking into it more and finding the practically defunct social medias and untouched-for-months trello page. I was promised a turnaround time within a month. That was back in august.

Anytime I check in there's always something new going wrong. Broken tablet pen, power outages, family stuff. I dont think she's a scammer or trying to make excuses. She's sweet. But im exhausted of waiting.

Im sort of just accepting I'm never seeing that money back, or getting my doll. The paypal protection will still let me charge back, but I'm not about to put a woman in her situation in the red, especially when she's got a kid to feed. Maybe she'll get done eventually, but if I can be morbid and dramatic, i think by that point BB would have to be a grave decoration.

And I can't bring myself to save up again hoping that maybe I can find another artist who MIGHT be able to bring her to life in the exact right way and maybe finally. FINALLY I can have this one thing in my life.

I guess it'd help for people who dont know jack shit if I actually showed the character on partially Why she'd have to be a christmas miracle.

Its not overly complicated or a really old Beloved OC. She's honestly one of my newer babies. But I made her SPECIFICALLY with the idea of her being my dream doll. And its very. Very silly.

But. This is BB:

I tried to imagine a character thatd be in a cartoon I'd watch as a kid and be VIOLENTLY mad didnt have some sort of doll I could buy, lol. Retro anime, cute and round, robot girl.

To avoid an infodump: she's a little fighting robot. Think medabots or angelic layer. She has a human who she's best friends with and she fights other cute little robot dolls. She talks only in beeps and boops and is 11inches tall (without antannae) and she's silly and I love her.

And she's my dream.

Imagining in my head the anime that I would've adored as a kid, and a doll thats literally her plucked off the screen. Not a barbie in an outfit, not something close enough, but the simplistic cartoony lil goofball.

I know its really. Really silly. Its silly to be caught up in this kind of idea and its silly to get all bent out of shape over and its silly I'm even like.

Putting these thoughts into the world

Feeling like a kid writing a letter to Santa

But thats it. Thats my wish or my dream or whatever. Its selfish. Its so so so selfish to imagine not just putting someone through doll making but making such a weird hard-to-translate-to-3d-space design and potentially having to work with me abunch to make sure she's just right. Without like. Thousands in compensation, lol.

Like I said, im willing to work with and do some adjustments to make her more do-able (fiddle w/ proportions alil, figure out a way to do the joints in a way that still fits her style while being actually moveable, more engineering side than aesthetics obvi lol. I really would love her to be stupid posable).

But i dont think that really probably means much

Idk.

I feel silly and selfish even putting this into the world but hey. Can't hurt to wish on stars and hope for christmas miracles. Right? It's not like I'm gonna go knocking on doors asking for something this batshit, lol.

Like. I wouldnt survive the shame.

If they dont respond I'll die of anxiety n guilt. Getting turned down might hurt even worse because then I'd know for sure they'd read it and probably felt Really Fucking Uncomfortable.

If i was a kid or whatever then maybe it'd be atleast endearing to get that kinda message insteada Just Sad.

No winning. Lol.

Im tired out now and the post-chemo-day agonies are starting to rev up again so I think I'm gonna go lay down now.

[steelycunt]

ridi im sorry i need to rant and i think youll get it 😭 like not to be a bitch but this fandom kinda going off the rails and annoying the shit out of me https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZTRbYASpf/ everybody in the comments unironically loving it,,, i mean wtvr ship who you want but its kinda getting delusional like ppl are just operating on thin air and pretty fancasts atp and i do Not understand or emotionally connect with any of it. at least w wolfstar theres so much material and foundation to explore but what is all the rest of this?? just hot celebrity fancasts and crack. to be fair part of me respects taking a terfs canon material and making everybody gay but the way it seems to be so oversaturating fics and the fandom that characters dont even feel like their original selves .. atp its all just surface level OCs

hello! yes! i'll be honest talking about things like this always make me a little nervous, and i feel obligated to preface anything i say with a disclaimer that none of it really matters, nothing i say matters, and you should do what you like, because--who cares. i am not an authority on--anything, frankly. my opinion holds no more weight than the next guy's, and all i'm doing here is giving it, so. essentially what im saying is--people are perfectly entitled to disagree with me, but people are not entitled to be mean to me about it xx

having said that. it is my personal opinion that s x barty is one of the worst fucking things i have ever heard lol. who even is barty who is that guy. why would s be interested in him at all. i do not understand it it does not make sense to me. from where are we sourcing the character traits and personality that we are giving barty that would ever endear sirius to him, because it objectively cannot be canon.

overall i do not get the new interest in barty + evan + pandora (+ regulus, but we won't go there)...at all, other than guessing that people were bored with the marauders and wanted a new version of them (and new celebrities to fancast) while simultaneously changing next to nothing about them other than superimposing them onto the first slytherin side characters they could rustle up. i expect ive become a bit of a broken record in regards to my dislike of the popular meow-meow-ification + complete absolution of regulus as a character in order to make him a loveable oc (just as i think erasing all the negative traits that r/s have in order to make them more likeable is just as boring), and all of that applies to those other guys as well (with the slight difference that they are, somehow, even less interesting and significant than regulus in canon), so i won't get into that too much. but i think what you say about having no emotional connection to any of it is exactly right lol--it is a sort of shift? i guess? in the fandom that is simply of no interest to me. they are characters that i just have no emotional investment in and admittedly struggle a little to understand why other people do. i am emotionally invested in, like, five characters overall (and even out of those--there's only two i'm really here for innit xx) and i personally cannot extend that investment to a creepy little side character who is mentioned maybe twice in the entire series.

and that is okay! i do not need to understand it. i don't want to say it annoys me because honestly--i don't go there, its nothing to do with me. if i dont like it i just wont interact with it, and the fact that it doesn't interest me has no bearing on what other people are into or want to do, and i couldn't give less of a shit what people do with the canon material, which is largely garbage anyway. take the bits you want from it, play around with those and ignore the rest. in that respect we are all doing exactly the same thing. but yeah i think s x barty is genuinely awful lol. hate it. very terrible. he's already got a loser werewolf boyfriend and he loves him so so much. leave him alone.

[cartoonrival]

Nrto/Brto for 3 10 & 17?

bro literally the wider naruto fandom sucks so bad idek where to begin

3. screenshot or description of the worst take you've seen on tumblr

i dont have a specific example so instead im gonna give a general gripe about a trend that ive seen in many takes over time

the black and white thinking and refusal to think for half a second about characters other than ur faves Reminds Me Of Something!real ones know. the way people talk about any character with any sort of greyness to their morality kinda makes me crazy and i lowkey think ppl bring up kishimoto TOO MUCH in their discussion of the storys themes bc while obviously like its important to talk abt WHY he wrote it the way he did esp wrt nationalism and all, i think also it sort of dulls ur ability to think anything complex about it if u blame everything u dont like or think was "sloppily done" on kishimoto. judging every character based on kishimoto's morals instead of their own if that makes sense? its not like "the wrong way to do things" i just personally find it really boring when thats the only way youll look at a text. like no wonder you guys are constantly making jokes about how naruto sucks and you'd never recommend it, you wont even allow yourselves to think about the story as its own piece of art beyond just "kishimoto wrote it this way because he sucks" like do you ever think maybe youre killing some of the fun of media analysis... i think its why so many people hate sakura or kakashi or itachi or anyone else. and this always comes out in the way ppl characterize bc theyre like Um I've Fixed Them :) and then its the blandest shit ever because you absolutely refuse to work even slightly WITH the story you claim to love, only fighting tooth and nail against it.

some examples of what i mean w this: basically any conversation about itachi that tries to categorize him as either good or bad. basically any conversation about sakura that tries to do literally anything or nothing with her. people making sns blandly romantic as if the insane and inventive ways they talk about their feelings for each other in canon isnt genuinely part of what makes it so maddeningly fascinating and awesome. anyone who thinks kakashi is a bad teacher. its just this refusal to meet the characters where they are and think of anything in terms of the text itself rather than exclusively in a meta way, ie "this is how it would be if it was good." no its not. you just made it how it would be if it was bland and obvious. dont you literally think the fact that the guy writing it was accidentally writing his characters to be struggling against the same shit that he was struggling against irl and struggling to keep Out of his writing is like. wildly fascinating and part of waht makes the story intersting to pick apart. but ok. this also applies to aspects of boruto primarily sasusaku and naruhina marriages. no one gets it like i doooooo

10. worst part of fanon

everybodys always shipping kakashi with someone and its never even guy. if youre gonna ship kakashi it had better fucking be with guy bc theres gen srs no one else he would be caught dead romancing with and i cant even see how you could read any of his other relationships as romantic. he doesnt even HAVE a relationship with iruka. i get that not every ship has to have canon support but its all either 1) literally not even interesting to think about or 2) what they have actually going on is way more interesting but see my response to question 3. its the same with gaara honestly the more i think about it the more annoyed i get about the ignorance surrounding just-short-of-canon aroace gaara ToT like if u didnt know then ok... but you should learn because its awesome. i just thinking the shipping culture in the fandom is annoying like everyone has to be shipped with someone and that seems to come before their genuinely interesting relationships. and those genuinely interesting relationships are sanded down into something normal. idk this is a gripe that goes w Many Many fandoms but i feel like w naruto its particularly bad largely on account of See Previous Answer. ppl are like "its written this way bc kishimoto is homophobic i will fix this" then they make it suck because shockingly ik kishi actually wrote a good as fuck story if deeply flawed

17. there should be more of this type of fic/art

ill be fr i dont gen seek out fics or art independently to be 100% sure that stuff i'd be looking for isn't out there somewhere. but i think ppl really really should just. think about sakura more. i literally love her sm but ppl won't think abt her beyond either 1) she sucks and i hate her (but this is because of kishimoto's writing and has nothing to do with me! if i rewrote naruto then she wouldn't be there 😌 this is a kindness to her and not because i cant be assed to think about a woman for 5 seconds) or 2) girlboss!!!! like.... is that scene in the land of iron not BIBLICAL to anyone else....??? is her devotion to someone she's lost faith in out of loyalty to someone she loves and is losing her ability to understand not FASCINATING???? TO ANYONE ELSE???? IS THE WAY SHE PICKS UP THE TRAITS OF HER TEACHER THAT HE SPECIFICALLY IS NOT MEANING TO PASS ON TO HER NOT HEARTWRENCHING???????? you people suck. instead you write ooc sns over and over and draw kakashi without his mask kissing fucking obito

[carmenized-onions]

and i’m back with another yap session🤭okay okay, there were some parts that i forgot to mention last time so hopefully i can hit them this time and feel less insane😀

1. SYD AND TONY!!! i’ve been wanting to touch on them for a while but i never know how to do in a way that makes sense?? BUT THE FRIENDSHIP IS SO PRECIOUS, I CAN’T. they remind of the tiktok sound that’s like “we were girls together” and i literally can’t get that outta my head with them🥺 i think i just love reading about tony and the rest of the gang?? like i love seeing how they fit into the chaotic puzzle that was the beef– ESPECIALLY with all the new changes happening!! plus carmy’s reactions to tony’s dynamic with everyone is actually hilarious😭 like when he was so pressed that ppl have their own nicknames for her. like carmy, please remember to breathe LMAOOO

2. also the current chapters are still making me wanna run up my WALLS😭i don’t think i ever know peace anymore… WHAT DO MEAN THE WORSE DAY IF THEIR LIVES IS COMING?? SAVE ME?? IM SCARED??

3. and carmy’s so sick and twisted but like me too so it’s cool😎 but in all seriousness, it reminds me of that feeling of being in a 3 person friend group but knowing there’s a duo and you’re not apart of it (am i articulating this properly?? idk??) it’s such an odd feeling to be jealous of something that you know you probably shouldn’t be. like just because they’re besties, doesn’t mean that they care for you any less. but i also get his desire to wanting to be her person and not just the little brother full in but then again, you can’t even blame him for feeling like that cause WHO WOULDN’T??

AHHH THERES SO MUCH MORE I WANNA SAY but this is getting kinda long so i will hold off‼️again, just wanna reiterate how much your writing makes me wanna ascend into the divine plane; it literally so amazingggg😫 tysm for reading this certified long ass yap session🫶🏾

Cannot define enough how much I love these yap sessions, literally always feel free to send me any and all fleeting thoughts in the brain box.

aside: new chapter uhhhh Sunday probably? Maybe tomorrow possibly? Pending how fast I am. I'm trying to get the next two chapters drafts done together so I can refine the first one with the knowledge of what's gonna happen in the second. Cause n Effect, All That.

ANYWAYS, you can be incoherent-- Just so you know-- It's my job to make sense of what's in my inbox, u don't have to work on that. BUT YES I LOVE WRITIN EM, I am slowly more and more just writing bits and pieces of my own friendships and isms into them. So, they're a delight of memories, to write about. AND VERY MUCH SO WE WERE GIRLS TOGETHER. I think that's literally a line, in delivery fees, something like 'you become girls, together' cause it's just ! regress! in a good way hehe.

I love writing Tony with the idea of a season 3 Bear-- Because it's this weird thing where she is simultaneously new and old-- And everything to her is also new and old. It's this weird fucking neo-nostalgia that's really fun to chew on. AND YES HE'S SO CREASED.

I try to put myself in the perspective of the perspective I'm writing for, with whatever, and when I was writing Carmen's chapter I was like this stupid motherfucker Richie got to do all this shit and hae all these stupid nicknames why the FUCK DO YOU WANT TO SAY HI TO HIM?? RICHIE!!!!?!?!??!?! And then reading it back now, a week or so later, I was like Wow. Kind of a lot, bro. Lets both take a step back.

2. Your fears are valid. Well. Is that what I'm supposed to say here? Hm. Here's what I'll say, I haven't gotten to the bad bad part, yet. So like, it could end up being not that bad, to you guys. To me it's bad. It's really bad. But like, maybe you're fine. ALSO 3RD OR 4TH WORST DAY I SAID-- JUST THE WORST FRIDAY. Because I had to give them Top something, I just needed to get specific.

3. As the littlest sibling, 100%. I can't see myself being friends with any of my older brothers' friends, so the idea of becoming one of their friends and posthumously finding out they were best friends with my brother? WHAT? WHAT? WHAT? DID THEY TELL YOU ABOUT ME? DO YOU THINK I'M LITTLE BABY LITTLE STUPID? And it's also like, just being friends with All of The Beef is like ohhhhh, I remember it took me a long time to warm up and make my way with them, but for you it was probably so easy cause you're just like that, which is why I like you so why do I feel angry about that !!!

AND ONCE AGAIN, THANK YOU THANK YOU, FEEL FREE TO YELL IN MY INBOX WHENEVER. P.s if anyone made it this far, u got me. I'm makin' a taglist. Reply/DM/Ask to be added!

But if you wanna be added,,,, you gotta send an essay in with it baby, or I simply won't it's the RULES!

p.s i really do love u so dearly for sending in your thoughts thank u thank u angel <3

[insufferableprotagonistpoll]

Round 2

Propaganda why Clary Frey/Fairchild is insufferable:

"Here we go again: She found out she was part of a race that opresses pretty much every magical being ever and immediately jumped onto being as racist as people that were raised in that cultist lifestyle. She calls a man ""Warlock"" the way people say slurs.

Terrible friend. Poor Simon never gets a break. And she's an even worse girlfriend to him. He is understandably upset when he finds out the person she most wants to kiss isn't him and asks for some space, but no, not on her fucking watch. She won't stay away from his place all of a sudden. Despite never really having time for him prior.

Goes up to a closeted gay man and tells him all smugly she knows about his sexuality and acts like he's the problem for not owning it. He lives in a homophobic society where violent punishment and exile is normal.

Speaking of exile, almost gets a woman that was nice to her exiled so she can break the law.

Demands aforementioned warlock do necromancy and when he tells her about his trauma, she throws a tantrum. She never apologises. That and, she and her friend always go to him for their problems, and are never grateful when he helps.

Has the ability to wish for one thing only once ever, wishes for a shitty man to come back to life.

The incest thing. She wanted to fuck a man while thinking they were fully biologically related. Yeah. And technically they're still adoptive siblings. True love.

Her cringe evil arc.

Apparently she's worse in the books. Great to hear."

"I don’t remember much from the books but she was kind of annoying"

"She finds out about a magical world she's been unaware of her whole life and it takes her five seconds to jump onto the fantasy racism train. Constantly demands people do dangerous stuff for her. Causes so many problems and when someone points out that she's going to hurt someone they're treated like they're an asshole. Walks up to a closeted man like "I know what you are". Is a terrible friend to her childhood 'bestie'. Falls in love with her brother, one the worst men alive."

"Worst case of Main Character Syndrome you'll ever see."

Propagande why Kirito is insufferable:

"Edgy boy, but also very bland personality"

""Yeah, i was a beta tester. Yeah im better than you. This is something that is normal to assume because of the first fact” theres more but that shit is so wild to me it instantly made me hate his ass"

"Absolute nothing of a protagonist. Just plain annoying and unlike most shounens there never seems to be any challenge for him. He's just always the best at everything."

"He’s Kirito"

[freshlybakedspiderbread]

I am sending you Aya Shameimaru. she is here in your ask box now. chirping

..no im kidding, i would never want to repel our pure and honest reporter despite her everything

General opinion/How much I care about them: so theres a strong bias due to the fact that my very first exposure to touhou as a whole was hearing pofv's Wind God Girl back in 2009, and by extension Aya herself was the very first character from the series I came to know. I dont think i immediately came to obsess over her or anything and probably only came to like her for real much later... That said i feel like ive known her my whole life and she's top contender for my single Favourite character. It used to be that she only competed with Seiga for that title but i guess there's a lot of characters i could go just as if not more nuts about given the right time of day...

her schtick as an earnest but kinda shady reporter of the ''''truth''' has never gotten old and im pretty sure she's only gotten even more despicable in her methods over the years, but i love all that about her. the tengu has a whole in gensokyo have gotten a whole lot of expansion but i still consider aya to be our main focal point of that group and its always fun to think about how role as an exceptionally long-lived youkai and her perspective on both tengu society and gensokyo as a whole.

Also how lucky was I that i chose Aya, an actual important recurring character who will reliably keep showing up in canon, as one of my favs? I'd be living so differently if i had latched onto like, Medicine or Yuuka instead ���� (then again i did mention Seiga above and I kinda dont expect her to ever be relevant again so its a matter of context 😝)

A ship I love: There are a bunch of Aya ships I know of and even like, and the ones I most often think about are probably Hatate and Reimu.

But i'm gonna vary it up and talk instead about Aya/Nemuno, something I wish we got even a little more scrap of back in th16. I mean every other player character got some with their matching season character! I choose to believe that even after that one meeting, Aya still makes regular visits to that cave, having designated Nemuno as her go-to yamamba contact despite Nemuno gripping about their supposed non-interference treaty. But Nemuno doesn't mind that much (since she usually doesnt chase Aya away with a cleaver) and comes to begrudgingly kinda like her, which i guess is the reaction to Aya in every ship of hers?

(I also think she's got complicated layered history with megumu which i talked about a little in an older post!)

A non-romantic relationship that I love: actually maybe i should have talked about reimu or hatate above and then saved nemuno for here. i actually want to say ahead of time for this part of the asks that even if i might not immediately default to romantic in a relationship, it uh... wouldnt take a lot for me to see it that way if needed.

That said, i like the thought that both Marisa and Sanae are regularish visitors to whatever hidden tengu infrastructure is in the mountain. Sanae because shes a neighbour with a pass and Marisa because she goes wherever she pleases. Aya being the tengu closest to humans is typically the one tasked to handle their needs or deal with them, with which Sanae she probably gets along with fine, though with Marisa theres probably more hidden ire going on there with how she's typically intruding (the hypocrisy of how aya's always hanging around the human village is always brought up by marisa in response)

The NOTP: gonna say this regarding this part of all these asks, outside of questoinable stuff like incest or so on, there usually aren't ships that i am Against. At worst, i may just not personally see the appeal or much prefer a different dynamic of the relationship.

so um.... ive never really managed to get excited over Aya/Momiji? Like I think they have a very funny potential back-and-forth, but begrudging tolerance is the usual best i see from Momiji's side and i actually much prefer the angles you cold go with Momiji/Hatate. (aya/hatate/momiji love triangle...? 🤔)

My biggest headcanon about them:

she's Old. 👵 Like, thats not just headcanon to me but is actually vital to her character that she is not just long-lived by youkai standards, but shes one of the few tengu around who lived through their developing history, watched their society and gensokyo changed in real time, and adapted in turn with it all. This goes hand in hand with how she simultaneously has great pride as a tengu yet also holds bitterness towards some of the ways they have changed (or havent changed).

Also after messing enough with kappa-made cameras over the decade, she now also fiddles with custom models with her own self-made modifications 📷

An idea for a fanfiction I would like to write/read about them: Talking about ideas is kinda embarrassing for me because i mean... what if i never actually do any of em? 😅 well whatever gonna try not to let that bother me...

for a story about her specifically, there's probably a neat tale to be had like a few decades prior to her being assigned the odd role of 'reporter' and bitterly taking to it, but then gradually coming to make it into her own passion more than any other crow tengu... Imagine the first time she looked at a particularly nice photo she took and imagined the story it told, and her heart fluttering in a way it had never done so before.

Something that makes me thing of them: every journalist archetype in fiction i've seen since and even before 2009 😄 No but if i say i think of her every time i see like, a camera or newspaper, how insane am i going to sound? girls who only thinks about aya going "getting a lot of aya vibes from this"

[sakura-hayashii]

12.30.23 - 2:32 pm

“i guess theres a first time for everything. every single time he started to destroy himself, i would tell him that the fantasy of himself that he created in his head wasnt the real him. i would tell him that everyone deserves love, no matter what, and that i was choosing to love him. i chose to love him because thats what i wanted and what he needed. i kept trying to reassure him that i loved him and that i was always going to be there. he was my ride or die. but none of that changed anything, he didnt believe me, and sadly, i dont think he ever did. he was so set on turning himself into this person he thought he already was. and i was set on trying to remind him that he wasnt that person. i know that broken things will never be the same, but you can always try to fix them as much as you can. he continued to constantly push me away, until he finally realized i wasnt going to leave him; especially in the state he was in. so he ruined us. he forced himself to destroy everything we had. he became a person i could no longer recognize, he became someone who had just destroyed himself so much to the point where if he was going to live, he was going to live in pain. he destroyed me, he went back on everything he said. he had promised that he didnt care if he got hurt as long as i never was hurt or upset. but he forced himself to become the cause of those feelings and that hurt. he did things he wasnt supposed to, said things he shouldnt have, betrayed me, and put me on the line. he hurt my family, and thats where i had to draw the line. he was hurting the two things that i lived for, him and my family.” i respond. “i dont really know what to say. im glad you left, you deserve better than that piece of shit. i never realized how much pain he was causing you, and for that, i am so sorry. god, i was always such an asshole to you, i never thought about the shit you could have been going through. it now makes sense why you gave up on him.” he says after a minute, he runs his fingers through his hair. “but thats where youre wrong. i didnt give up on him. i moved on. i moved on because i realized that you cant save a person from even the worst fire when they keep running back in.”

- S.H. // the things he destroyed. (part 2 of 2) (via unwrittenstories)

(based on a real toxic relationship that i went through)