#theres also the threat of the tractors

[eliorosb3rg]

idk how to explain it but patrick looks irish to me. like i would 100% expect to see him driving a tractor through the town at 2am after i have been kicked from the pub hes got that Vibe

[talesfromthelighterdarkside-blog]

“Headless Biker: Forbidden Teenage Love, Pissed Cops & My Headless Corpse”

“Nobody gets within 100 yards of our house without me knowing about it. Rusty is the best guard dog around. Better than 10 security systems!” It was obviously a pre-emptive strike to stop me from getting any ideas re; stealth nocturnal visits to his oldest daughter. Little did he know, I was in his daughters bedroom 3 night a week, even before I was shit-listed. There was a reason I called him the Minute Man. Alice’s parents bedroom was right above hers, and we heard more than we’d like to.

A little dog treat bribe on the way in and out, no problem. The arrogance and self-righteousness of my girl’s Dad was off the charts. Being a heart surgeon w/ a puritanical streak a mile wide explained it all. Within days of his comment, he’d forbidden all contact and promised devastating punishments if either of us didn't comply. This wasn't some girl at school. This was first love so powerful it hurt. In a good way most of the time. And the chemistry, damn, threats of hell and damnation couldn’t even slow us down when it came to keeping our paws off each other.

And now? I can’t see, speak, or look her direction. And he had a whole system of narcs all throughout Alice’s life.  The reason for the shit-listing? My parents were divorced. Nothing more. This extremely religious man didn’t see the hypocrisy of damning me because of that. He straight up told Alice, I was destined to follow the path of Ted Bundy or Pablo Escobar, or both. I'd also destroy a family, because my old man did. Me, a 15 yr. old kid.

Of course, there was no way he could stop us from seeing each other. The irony? It meant it was usually in her bedroom at 2 am. It was a little bit like that tractor beam on Star Wars. No matter how late, when the beam called, there was no stopping me. No stopping us.  I carefully crept out of the house and rolled my brand new motorcycle down the street before starting it. This night, thinking I wouldn't stay long, and I made a major strategic mistake. I always parked far away in a cul-de-sac and walked to her house. On this night, I parked in the driveway of a home under construction. Stupid. It was my ability to think a few steps ahead that allowed us to stay out of Roscoe’s(lawman) grasp in those days. I won’t lie, me and my bro’s were wildlings and into some crazy shit. I wouldn't want my daughter dating someone like that. But at the time I saw it different. Because of his reasons. It just pissed me off. It was an example of everything that was wrong w/ my small town, super religious upbringing.

What was to be a talk at her window, turned into entry, which turned into, well, you get it. Within minutes, we see a car slowly prowling down her street. I knew right away, it was a cop. A Roscoe. He lit up my bike, and then did what all small town cops do, went full dick-head overreaction. His comms w/ the dispatcher reverberated around the neighborhood, we could hear every word on this warm summer night. I was screwed. Underage, no license, and now trapped in Alice’s neighborhood. Which was the worst part. Then suddenly, I caught a major break.

Roscoe got in his car and drove away. I gave her a kiss and sprinted toward my bike. Assuming he was blocking the only exit to the hood, I rolled my bike in front of her neighbors big-ass RV parked on the side of the house. Totally hidden from the street. Before I could even investigate Roscoe's whereabouts, 3 sets of headlights almost painted me, and I scurried back in Alice’s window. What happened next was comedy gold.

It quickly became obvious, Roscoe 1 was a rookie, and Roscoe 2 & 3 were not happy. “What the fuck? There’s no bike here!?”  “But, but, but, it was just here. I swear. He must’ve escaped through the forest.” “Shut-up, theres a river and a deep ravine. The only way he got out of this neighborhood is the street. You say you blocked the exit.” “I did. No way he escaped. He’s hiding nearby.”   Alice was major freaked out, I had trouble suppressing the volume on my chuckle of satisfaction. Since a very young age we lured the Roscoes into chasing us by many different means. By snowball or water balloon, illegally riding our MC on the street, or just running when we saw them. On foot, on motorcycles, on BMX bikes, you name it. They were my nemesis, and there wasn’t a single time they caught us. Tonight was a continuation of a long feud. They didn’t like me much either.

Roscoe 2 takes charge. “Call dispatch, call the owner of the bike. Okay, his Mom’s co-owner, you have her on the phone?”  We listened w/ laser focus as Roscoe 2 relayed questions to the dispatcher to ask my Mom. Having been awaken in the middle of the night, she was convinced her sweet angel of a boy was sleeping soundly in his bed. “Well, Ma’am, can you go check please.”  

I fully expected my entire scheme to unravel the second she entered my room. I always employed a few counter-measures. Using a halloween mask w/ dark curly hair, I’d constructed a bitchin’ dummy in my bed that would pass inspection from a distance, but nothing more. “What? He’s in his bed? You're looking at him right now? So there’s no chance he’s in this neighborhood w/ his bike? Did he lend his bike to someone, or is it stolen? You need to wake him up. Ask him. Sorry, but you need to do it right now.”   Just then, all hell broke loose.

Roscoe 2 had a panic in his voice. "Whaddya mean she’s screaming bloody murder? Is she being attacked? Send help immediately! What? Whaddya mean she thinks she’s killed him? Her son? WTF?”

You see, when Mom couldn’t wake me w/ her voice, she gave me a good solid shake. The mask w/ a nerf football inside rolled off the bed and bounced across the floor at her feet. In the mayhem, she thought she’d just decapitated me. For 1.5 seconds anyway. Roscoe’s narration continued, “Ha, that little shit? He’s in big trouble? So he does have the bike up here? She better come up here and meet us. The 3 Roscoes searched high and low for my bike, getting more pissed w/ each passing second. Finally, they went to block the exit and wait for my Mom. I thought of a hundred ways to escape w/ my bike, w/o using the road. No dice. I crept up and looked down the street. There was a major convoy , including my very pissed off Mother. It was 3am, and my time had expired. I was going to have to eat that shit-sandwich.

I began a slow jog, dreading the confrontation that was about to happen. The neighborhood still asleep, the crickets were the only witness to was about to happen. As I approached, all heads turned toward me. The Roscoe triplets were more pissed off than my Mom. My only thought, damage control, and try to minimize the legal consequences. If they didn't see me riding the bike, they couldn’t ticket me. Roscoe 2 was a real dick. “Where’s the bike?” “What bike?” My Mom stepped in. “I have to get up in 2 hours, just tell him the truth.”  “A buddy dropped me off, I don’t have a license. Don’t worry, the bike’s okay. Roscoe 2 looked like his head was going to explode. I refused to answer the question any different than I had over and over. He finally gave up. “who where you visiting?”  He seemed to have a bigger hard on for being the morality police. He knew what I was up to. And he was not gonna stand for immorality in his town. “I was visiting a friend. Doesn’t matter, it’s not illegal to visit a friend. My social activities aren’t public record.”   He freaked.  “Tell me right now. Or you’re going to jail, and we’ll knock on every door in this neighborhood. Dragging you w/ us!”  

I couldn't help being a smart ass. “Jail huh? Like take it in the tailpipe jail?  Guilty of visiting a buddy in the 2nd degree?  Well, we better get knocking, that’s a shit load of houses.”  I could tell Mom didn’t like Roscoe 2, but she liked my cursing less. “Son, watch your language.” Roscoe 2 just stared at me. He wanted to cave my face in. Then he stared some more. More out of sympathy for my Mom, he finally called it. Game over. We all went our separate ways. I thought it was gonna be a long standoff, that continued down at the cop shop. But it was suddenly over.

For a minute. After making sure they really drove away, I had Mom stop. “No way I’m leaving my bike in Alice’s next door neighbors yard. I hid it there. And I’m riding it home, or it's about to get a whole lot uglier when the sun comes up.”  Wanting it to be over, she dropped me off. I kept my head on a swivel on that ride home. I was sure the Roscoe’s had more in store for me. Nope. I felt a rush of exhilaration as I pulled in my driveway. I had my bike, no legal consequences, no Alice’s dickhead Dad consequences, and no headless corpse laying in my bed. Not a real one anyway. Stay Frosty, Stay Aerodynamic, me gone.