#theres JUST enough space for my bed and desk and dresser. and i have to work around the damn baseboard heater

[chrismcshell]

today i somewhat impulsively (only somewhat impulsively because it's something ive lowkey wanted to do for Months now) rearranged the furniture in my bedroom. now i am tired, but feeling accomplished, and one thought is at the forefront of my mind: i want to eat a big burger and/or poutine. but it's 10pm on a weeknight and i'm trying to get in the habit of waking up earlier, so i cannot have big burger and/or poutine right now. idek if any burger places near me are open for delivery this late. oh well, maybe tomorrow i will order a big burger and/or poutine. maybe even a milkshake

[forestryfae]

like i cant move ofc and i dont really wanna, my main desire for escapism rn comes from mess and a lack of organization, this apartment rn comes from disorganization and mess, the apartment isnt bad its actually the perfect size for one person even tho i wish there was a bit more space. but if there was like a single shelf above the toilet or the apartment hadnt come with the furniture it came with. bed, a dresser, and kitchen table seating 4 people + 4 chairs. thered be much more space. not that im complaining about the bed and dresser or the drying rack, those are genuinely useful, same w the fridge even if its in a bad spot

but like if it had just a few shelves built into the place, didnt have that big ass table and the chairs, that would have been v neat. rn i have nowhere to store toilet paper or laundry detergents, i have some storage space in the walls but im using most of that for something else, and big storage units dont have space anywhere in the apartment. like at most i could get a small dresser for the hallway ig? i could store small stuff. but the bike is in the way, i have a desk i need to build but dont know where id put, im getting a couch that admittedly might have been a bad choice size-wise but i really wanted something i knew i would use for a long time and i knew i would want to keep if i move again. im so tired of having stuff i dont want or having to settle for shit as a sort of middle ground. yes it does its purpose no i cant stand looking at it.

idk im stressed out, i dont know how to get shit done, all my motivation exists in the form of anxiety or sunlight, i want help but cant ask for it on account of noone knowing my mental illnesses better than me and i dont want to risk it, my brain sees anything that needs to get done and goes fuck that despite knowing it needs to get done, i have no clue how to actually successfully work with it so its atleast manageable, everything i think could be helpful costs money and everything i feel like i should be allowed to do because im not immune to being allowed to feel happiness sometimes costs money

making food isnt even something i dislike doing its just a hassle cus i dont keep the kitchen clean enough and i cant seem to have any useful and preventative routines in place for longer than a little while before it all falls apart not for lack of trying but lack of selfdicipline im p sure, the cleaning is neverending and i expect myself to do it every single day but i dont do it every day so my brain is just screaming about getting things done to the point where im exhausted despite not having done shit

and in the meantime my ocd is all over everything to the point where i cant even relax for 10 minutes or do something as simple as clean the fucking fridge out or take out the trash or bleach my fucking hair so i can dye it like ive been wanting to for weeks, or just draw something for fucking once or crochet or do something fun. i dont even know where im going w this rant rn im just so fucking overwhelmed and tired and the thought of doing anything is exhausting and i have headaches on a daily basis and i sleep all day too even though my sleep schedule was good for a little while. like i was hoping id have it for longer than a few weeks or maybe id be able to keep it up for the foreseeable future but i fucking guess not

i dont enjoy drawing as much as i used to i cant crochet anything and actually finish it my brain is on fire and finding new interests is fucking hard and costs money i dont have the space to do anything so i practically live in my bedroom. theres so much stuff in my apartment but i got rid of so much already and the rest i use and a i cant keep getting rid of stuff im gonna wind up with nothing at all if i get rid of stuff just for the sake of hoping itll fix everything. youtube isnt even fun i keep getting decluttering and vlogs and tidying and cleaning and i watch them and i physically feel myself clenching cus i want to completely take over the stuff in the video and clean that myself. cleaning literally anything else is better than cleaning my own space

and on top of it all i have an activities thing i should go to more often but i cant make myself at all. i either wake up too late and miss it or i forget about it or im busy doing other stuff like convincing myself that im going to clean instead and then never cleaning. and i have a job once a week where i show up and do prepwork at the bakery kitchen where they have the activities and i cant even manage to get there. i cancelled the week before this and this week i straight up didnt wake up until 2 pm. i cant even manage to go there twice a week like i want to. i cant get outside to go on walks. planning shit doesnt work, breaking shit into more tasks makes me more tired and demotivated, like where the fuck am i going to find motivation when everything maes me want to lie in bed and rot. like i know i have depression but i shouldnt feel this shitty when im on antidepressants. idfk. what the fuck

[dirt-grub]

Oh boy... today I clean my room...... pray for me y’all the Garbage just might consume me

[werewolfdays]

Homecoming

this drabble is probably the most plot related writing I’ve posted on here. theres a lot about the actual story that I’m still working out which is why I mostly just share random moments. and I went back and forth on posting this cause I know there might be some context missing but I like it and I’m proud of it so. 

to fill in the gaps a little bit: A mission went wrong and Jayde suffered terrible injuries that were bad enough that her companions thought she was dead and they were forced to leave her behind. Jayde didn’t die and the people that held her captive for years and have been hunting her since she got out ended up taking her again and saved her. She spent six more months in their HQ and eventually escaped again.

also to set the tone why not drop a song rec

Sneaking into the Lodge made guilt weigh on my exhausted shoulders. As far as I knew everyone thought I was dead. I didn’t want them to think that, but I imagined everyone crowding around me at the Den, asking questions, fawning over me, and I just couldn’t do it. Couldn’t handle that kind of thing right now. Not after being in that place again for so long and having the firm belief that I would never see the light of day again. Being back here was already almost too overwhelming.

I hovered by my old room, unable to reach for the doorknob. Maybe it wasn’t even my room anymore. How long would they keep a dead tenant’s room anyway? The months I was gone would just make it wasted space. It took a long while, my hands shaking, my body numb, but I finally brought myself to grab the doorknob.

Surprisingly the door was unlocked. I’m not exactly sure what I would’ve done if it wasn’t. Would I have picked it? Or would that have just given me the excuse to leave? Then what? I’d have to go back to running on my own I guess. Just when I was getting used to not running, even considering the possibility of not having to fight anymore, of actually living with Nadya, that whole idea got ripped away from me. I should’ve expected it. Should’ve known that’s how it was always going to be. And yet here I am, back at the place we called home.

“What am I doing here?” I whispered to myself and pushed the door open.

Immediately upon entering the threshold, the scent of who was living in my room encompassed my senses. It was the last scent I expected to find here after everything. Nadya. Just like that months and months of not being near her, believing I would never see her again, slammed me so hard in the chest that I broke down in the middle of our room. I sank to my knees and cried. As soon as I was taken for the second time nothing felt real. Not the pain I endured, not my escape, not being back here. But now that I smelled her everything felt real again. I was seeing black and white for half a year and finally the color came back.

What was she still doing here? I thought the only thing good about being gone was that I wasn’t holding Nadya back anymore. She could return to her old life, get the education and career she wanted and deserved. Nadya would no longer be in danger because of me, but she was still here. Why? I didn’t have it in me to try and figure it out right now though. I just needed to take in this space, needed to be surrounded by her scent for a little while longer and remember that I was alive.

I looked around the room from my spot on the floor. It seemed like she kept almost everything the same, like I hadn’t even been gone. Eventually I managed to stand and head over to the closet. My clothes were still there mixed in with hers. I ran my fingers over the hanging fabrics. Pulling off one of her flannels that used to be mine, but became her favorite when we were together. I held it up to my nose and took in a deep breath. She still wore it. This time my sobs turned into disbelieving laughter. For the first time in a long time it felt like I was actually going to be okay.

I held the shirt close to my chest in my arms and began exploring our space. Nadya’s pictures were still up on the wall even though I didn’t see any new ones. The camera on the dresser had a layer of dust on it that told me she hadn’t taken a picture in quite a while. That worried me. Was she still grieving? Was something else causing her to lose interest in the things she loved?

On the desk there were papers and medical textbooks. Good. Nadya was still working on her medical education. Some of the papers were patient forms. Looking through them I realized she had become a full time medic here at the Lodge, treating the werewolves that resided here along with some travelers that I didn’t recognize. Another smile appeared on my face, god that was a weird and blissful feeling to have again. Nadya found a way to do what she really wanted here. It was so incredibly her and it filled me with such a pure warmth. I was so proud of her.

Making my way to the unmade bed and sitting on the edge, I brought her pillow up to my face. Nadya still slept on her side I noticed because when I did the same with my pillow her scent wasn’t really on it. The fact that Nadya was sleeping in the bed like I was still here threatened to break my heart. Then I saw on the nightstand, half tucked under a book, was a picture lying face down. I pulled it free, flipping it over and saw my own face. I remembered when she took it, not long before I was taken. This photo was the last one she took of me and with a realization it was the last picture she took period.

Oh, Nadya…

I carefully placed the photo back as I found it and stood to return the flannel where it belonged as well. Just as I set the hanger in place, I heard the door open behind me.

Nadya was there in the doorway and completely stopped in her tracks when she caught sight of me. At first I felt bad. I didn’t want to ambush her like this, my plan was to ease her into it. This whole time she thought I was dead. To Nadya it must’ve been like a ghost appearing out of nowhere to haunt her. Then I became nervous, unsure how she would react. Would she curse me out? Would everything just go back to how it was? Or would nothing ever be the same and even though I was here and still loved her more than anything, what happened changed us both too much to come back together?

The shimmer of tears welled up in her eyes as she stared at me totally stunned. For a moment I thought I actually was a ghost because it was like she was looking right through me. A phantom showing itself with unfinished business. Neither of us said a word. The only sound was the door shutting behind her. I was too afraid to move. Couldn’t even breathe.

When the first of her tears fell, Nadya choked out a sob filled with so much pain and disbelief that it shook me to the core. My own lungs released the breath they were holding, overtaken by both relief that she was in front of me and sorrow at how much grief I could feel radiating off of her. It was like I felt both her mourning and my own. All of it. Every minute. I didn’t think I would ever be this close to her again and she believed I was gone for good. I missed her with every breath I took, every beat of my heart and I didn’t have to miss her any more.

The whole world must’ve swayed because we nearly fell towards each other like gravity shifted beneath our feet. I’ve never held on to someone so tightly or been held so fiercely as if the matter around us would separate the universe if we let go. Feeling her in my arms, her warmth, her scent, her life would’ve brought me back from the dead for sure. Nadya cried. Earth-shattering sobs, but ones that also mended. And I cried with her, every emotion I couldn’t feel for what felt like forever flooding my heart, but I wouldn’t drown because I held her and she held me.

“Are you real?” Nadya asked through her tears.

“I am.” I told her with certainty. The sound of her voice was all I wanted to hear. “I’m here, I’m real.”

Nadya pulled back to look at me, her hands coming up to cup my face. “I-I don’t understand.” She stammered, her thumbs wiping away my tears as her eyes frantically scanned my features. “I saw you- you were- oh god. Jayde I thought- I should’ve done something. I should’ve-”

“Nadya.” I gripped her wrists to get her attention, “Nadya. Breathe.”

A few of her shaky breaths rattled between us as she tried to calm down. “What happened to you?” Nadya whispered with an edge of fear like she already knew the answer.

I didn’t want to tell her, didn’t want to say it out loud, but she would press me if I refused to answer. “I uh… I wasn’t left for dead after all. They took me again.”

I may as well have driven a knife into her with the look she gave me. “You mean this whole time you were…?” The revelation prompted her to cry harder into her hands, “Jayde, I’m sorry. I am so sorry.”

“No, no, no, look at me.” I said quickly, pulling her hands away.

“How could I have let that happen? I promised you!” I’ve never seen Nadya like this. I knew she would mourn me, I knew it would hurt her beyond words, but this was more than just pain. This was raw agony and guilt. With a horror, I realized we were both put through torture these last six months.

“Nadya, please don’t do this to yourself.” My hands held her face and forced her to look at me. The next words out of my mouth were slow and firm because they were true and I needed to make her believe them, “This is not your fault. Do you hear me? None of it is your fault. It’s not even my fault, no matter how badly I want to take the blame. And it doesn’t matter anymore because I’m here. Okay? I need you to let it go.” She fell into an embrace with me again. Nadya was heavy in my arms, I could tell I was holding her up, “Just let it go…” I repeated softly.

Nadya cried against me for a few long minutes while my heart ached for both of us. But I knew everything will be okay.

“I missed you so much.” Nadya finally said, “I love you. I never stopped loving you.”

Maybe I should’ve felt guilty for that, but I just couldn’t. All I could feel was the honesty, the unconditional love she had for me after all this time and through all the pain. My own love was just as strong. It got me through the hardest days, the darkest nights. I wanted to show her how much I loved her every day for the rest of my life.

Pulling back from our hug, I gently brushing at her tears and set my hand on the side of her cheek. I took a moment or two just to stare at her and remind myself what she looked like. Nadya had pictures of me, but I had nothing aside from memories and I hated that. Hated that the clearest image I had of her would only conjure up in my mind when I focused and after a while it started to fade. Eventually it would’ve disappeared.

“I never stopped loving you either,” I said, “and I never will.”

Nadya was the first one to lean in. The feeling of her lips against mine again after all this time crashed through my very soul. Every single cell in me was alive, my heartbeat galloped, my skin tingled, my senses were brighter than ever before.

I deepened the kiss and she eagerly matched my fervor, drawing me closer into her. Tasting her and feeling her, I couldn’t believe I was experiencing this again. My fingers ran through her hair, just as soft as I remembered. Nadya’s lips were soft like I remembered too and god, it was making me weak while also filling me with such an impenetrable strength.

Before I knew it, Nadya was helping me shrug my jacket off, her hands gripping the bottom of my shirt and pulling it over my head. When we broke away, both of us gasping for breath, Nadya looked at me and smiled. That’s what I was waiting for. What I wouldn’t do to keep that smile there.

“Your eyes,” Nadya pointed out.

Sometimes if I felt things intensely or deeply, my wolf would come out. Make my senses spike, my skin tingle, my eyes shine. But it wasn’t a turn or a loss of control. I thought of it like I needed to feel whatever I was feeling with every part of me present. Right now my entire being needed to feel Nadya, which was why my eyes were golden.

I smiled and kissed her again, but this one was brief because Nadya gently pushed me back. For a moment I wasn’t sure why until her gaze traveled down to examine my torso. She knew all my scars by memory so Nadya immediately spotted the new ones. A few were from my second time in captivity, but the two that had her attention were the ones she recognized as what she thought had killed me. A bullet that went through my back and out my chest. The silver knife blade that stuck me through the ribs.

Nadya’s fingertips traced both of them, “I got to you, you know. I didn’t have the time to properly check you, but you didn’t respond to me. And when I was being dragged away, I was screaming for you Jayde. I was screaming and you were just…” she shook her head, unable to tear her eyes away from the scars, “With all the blood I thought you were already gone.”

The last thing I remembered from that night was bleeding out on the street, trying to crawl in her direction even though I didn’t know where she was, choking on my own blood. Neither of us could have predicted that they would save me from the brink of death, especially after they were the ones that tried to kill me. I would’ve guessed that I was dead too.

“I’m not.” I stated to reassure her, “I’m not gone.”

Her eyes met mine again at my words and that beautiful smile came back. Nadya took my hands and guided me to the bed. She lay me down with care, like she knew I needed her softness after all the violence and I did. I missed her gentleness, almost forgot what it felt like. Nadya climbed on the bed next, leaning over me, looking down at me with lingering tears in her eyes. I propped myself up on my elbows so I could reach her lips and gave her a warm kiss.

“I love you.” I murmured against her mouth.

Nadya returned the kiss, smiling into it and easing me back down. She just kissed me for a while before her lips made a slow journey down my neck, consistent in their gentle passion as they continued to my chest, my stomach. I closed my eyes to focus on the feeling while I ran my hand through her hair. Without looking I knew Nadya was mapping the new scars, committing them to memory. Her fingertips tracing them, followed by soft kisses. It brought tears to my eyes once more because I believed I would never feel this again. Nadya wasn’t just skilled in mending physical injuries, she was healing in every aspect of her being.

I felt her fingers tug at the button of my jeans, but she hesitated. When I looked up, she was staring at me with deep concern, “Is this too much right now?”

Seeing me cry must’ve worried her. I sat up and brushed some of her hair behind her ear and just stared at her for a few seconds. God, she was so beautiful. “No,” I shook my head slightly, a small smile tugging at the corner of my mouth, “Not at all.”

Nadya kissed my right cheek, then my left, and gave me a long peck. When I licked my lips I could taste my own tears from her kiss. I pulled her into my lap and eased her shirt off. My eyes traveled all over her torso, hands following in their wake and I was relieved to find no new marks. If Nadya had been hurt by someone in any way while I was gone, I don’t know what I would’ve done. I placed a kiss just below her ear and let my lips glide all the way down her neck and curve across her shoulder. It felt so good to touch her this way again, to be this close to her. The rate of Nadya’s heartbeat confirmed that it was euphoric for her too.

We spent what could’ve been minutes or hours or days relearning each other. Remembering each curve, each mark, every inch. I almost felt greedy, but Nadya needed this as much as I did. Every time she kissed me I felt more and more real. I was being awoken, my heart, my soul, my mind. Her fingertips dancing aimlessly on my skin. Her soft mouth touching the most sensitive parts of my body. Screw the ‘White Light’ at the end of the tunnel. This was the closest thing to a religious experience that I would ever have. And it was all so incredibly real.

Later we just lied in bed, half under the covers, in no rush to go anywhere or do anything. I was lying on my stomach, watching Nadya as her fingers traced a scar on the back of my shoulder. They started to make circles, then went inwards, glided down between my shoulder blades and back out again. It was so soothing that if I wanted to I was sure I could drift off to sleep, but I was far too enthralled by Nadya for that right now. No memory that I had did her justice. I couldn’t get over how gorgeous she was. I wanted to kick myself for forgetting.

Nadya noticed me watching her intently, “What is it?”

“Nothing. Just you.” I answered, still unable to take my eyes off of her.

“What about me?”

“Everything.” Everything I almost died without.

With a sweet smile, she leaned forward and placed a kiss on my shoulder. “Who else knows you’re here?” She asked, nuzzling herself back in the covers.

“Er,” I started, somewhat ashamed, “Nobody. I kind of snuck in.”

“So you came to me first?” Nadya sounded genuinely surprised and I didn’t know why.

“Well, I didn’t really mean to.” I told her honestly, “I had no clue that you were still here.”

“You didn’t want to see me.” She said like a plain realization with a hint of disappointment.

That’s not at all what I meant so I needed to make her understand. Nadya was the first person I thought of when I got out, but there was more to it. “No, of course I did. But I didn’t want to just show up out of nowhere like this. I wasn’t sure that you even wanted me back and the last thing I wanted to do was force you into a corner. Especially if you had moved on.”

“Jay, you could’ve shown up three days or three years after I lost you and I would still want you back. You’re the love of my life. There isn’t a single part of me that could move on without you even if I wanted to.” Nadya spoke with such a certainty that I believed her.

That statement both reassured me and tightened a cold fist around my heart. I felt the exact same way, but the fact that if Nadya ever really lost me she would never move on wasn’t at all what I wanted for her. I knew I shouldn’t bring it up now though. I wasn’t going to tell her that if she loses me again for real that she should try to move on because she only just got me back. Nadya deserved to feel the relief at my return without any what ifs.

I realized that I didn’t deserve to be plagued by what ifs either. This moment was where my focus should remain. Especially with how Nadya was looking at me, her soul bared and vulnerable. “It would have to be a pretty powerful force to take me away from you for good.”

The corner of her mouth twitched up and she watched me for a couple quiet minutes before speaking again, “Do you want to go see everyone? Tell them that you’re not, you know, dead?”

I let out an amused huff, “No, not right now.” My fingers wrapped around her wrist, bringing her hand up to my mouth where I brushed my lips against her knuckles, “All I want is to stay here with you for as long as possible.”

The back of her finger caressed my cheek. “Okay, we can do that.” Nadya agreed quietly.

I curled into a tangled embrace with her. The feeling of Nadya in my arms while we were in bed nearly made me start crying again, but I held the tears back this time. Or maybe I just didn’t have any more to shed. Either way I enjoyed this with every bit of my being and held her as close as possible.

[forestryfae]

god this sucks. like im glad i can finally get rid of all this stuff but tidying is mostly just hard because i have a lot of stuff to put away and not enough space or boxes for it and i just sort of dont know where to put the stuff im done with at.

decisions arent too hard its more difficult when i dont know if i wanna keep stuff or not and i keep going back and forth on it. like yeah sure i Like the thing but do i want to keep it just for that reason? does it have any function beyond looking nice? does it make hobbies or housekeeping easier? i do i really wanna carry it around when i move? where do i put it when i dont use it? can i live without it? do i think ill find stuff i like better than this? is it sentimental and does it evoke any good memories at all or do i get sad looking at it and feel guilty getting rid of it? would i notice i dont own it anymore? did i even remember i had it?

its worse w furniture cus i cant just move or pile stuff up as easily. theres also not much i want to bring. red couch, two identical funky dressers, a desk, a planter, and other than that i have nothing in particular i want. maybe the tv stand, a shelf on wheels and an office chair too but honestly idfk. i havent really used those in a while so do i really wanna bribg them when i dont even know what ill use them for?? i def DO wanna bring my coffee table its v nice and grandpa made it but its rly big

ill need some new stuff, like a bed so i dont have to sleep in the one ive had since i was 12, and a dresser for clothes, a closet for other junk, and ideally a different tv stand with space for my art supples and some dvds and books, and a nightstand. thats about it. so theres just a lot to consider

[forestryfae]

i literally just need a real dresser and ill be completely set and i can properly clean in here. like. i havent washed the floors or really finished unpacking or been done tidying or moving in here in a week and staff are wholly unhelpful

the dressers they have are just too small and i need a bigger one so i can actually fit everything without filling it to the brim but somehow the only answer i get is "well how will you bring it with you when you move" and "we have dressers you can have one from us" like no? just buy me a bigger one or fucking. help me buy one. the ones they have are not big enough at all if you own anything made from thicker materials than jeans and tshirts.

also would help if they could get rid of the MASSIVE dining table i will 100% not use and do not need, the gaming chair i have absolutely no need for, or the extra chair in my room that im using to store some of my clothes. its taped on the armrests cus its old and used. get rid of it??

will be trying to move a shelf thingy and put it somewhere though so ill have real space to store clothes that isnt just on top of the desk ive been using a storage space. if only theyd get rid of the dining table so i can move the desk and have somewhere to draw

i have a couch area w like 4 seats, 5 if you count one of the chairs, along with the kitchen which has two chairs and a table. its a one/two person apartment and theres a table in the kitchen that fits two people just fine along w two couches. come on.

like its just a short period of time ill be living here, maybe a year ish since ill eventually be done w the program here and stuff. but itd still be nice if i could like. be comfortable and not need to deal with a million dumb things that should be neccessary to deal with

like there genuinely isnt enough space in here for this bullshit. the bedrooms are too small to fit the shit they put in them. my bedroom had a bed, tiny dresser, chair, actual livingroom table, one of those dumb fucking Aesthetic Hang Your Clothes Up As Decoration thingies, and a lamp. where the FUCK am i gonna fit my stuff?? why is it SO full???? i dont have a closet or dresser or desk in there wtf. the other bedroom is being used as a laundry and drying room and there isnt even enough space in there. the closet is full of clothinghangers, blankets, various lamps ive removed from places they didnt fit, pillows, and a mattress, theres a vacuum and two norwegian flags?? a board for steaming and unwrinkling your clothes, and i moved the dumb fucking aesthetic clothinghanger bullshit.

staff ofc are protesting my every request for some kind of cooperation where they remove stuff and put it in storage so i can actually use the apartment and livingroom like a normal person. like. the massive dining table, four dining chairs, old taped chair, gamer chair, fuckton of plates and glasses and cups that match w absolutely nothing, two waterboilers, two kitchenmachines??are they old breadmachines?? the addons to the breadmachines, like 17 pot and pan tops with NO matching pot or pan, the broken footrest, coffeeboiler i wont be using, coffe bullshit i wont be using, extra coffeepot w no machine? the aesthetic clothinghanger and the norwegian flag none of these are neccessary in here. literally none of them. they SHOULD go into storage

anyways im gonna see if i cant move the shelf out of the other bathroom soon so i can atleast store my clothes SOMEWHERE. it doesnt even fit in the bathroom its in, its in the way for the only space where laundry could go that isnt the hallway in to the bathroom.