#there* tldr i am once again reaching the end of my rope because of my anxiety

[ru-bwee]

i dont like the human mind why cant my brain be nice and smooth . why must my brain have anxiety :(

[existentialcrisisrambler]

I NEARLY DIED AND EVERYONE JUST WATCHED

Up there is the tldr of the whole situation.

Today, on 16 September 2017, I nearly drowned while swimming in a river. Well, the river isn’t exactly THAT deep that you have to use a boat. If most adults stand on its deepest floor, the water level at the time would reach their necks. And I’m a short teenager. The current was so strong that the resort ( It’s not a high-class expensive resort that you see on tv, they just provide spots for families to have a picnic and barbeque, some clean toilets, and these sort of huts you can rent to sleep overnight. Lots of pretty flowers planted everywhere too) have to provide a network of ropes across the small river for people to hold on to.

Back to the event which I could have lost my life, I wanted to go an area with some big rocks so that I can feel the thrill of having a mini waterfall going down my back. So I let go of the ropes that I previously said to everyone else “Grip it with your life” (such a hypocrite am I right) and let the strong current push me towards the rocky area. I feel like the current is carrying me like a mother rocking her baby, soft and gently. Unfortunately, the rocks are unable to stop my journey because its so slippery. So I was tossed like a ragdoll over it by the current and continued downstream, with no ropes to hold (that made me thought that the area was shallow, I never thought that the people at the resort maybe didn’t have enough rope at the time or couldnt find a strong tree to tie it to), and the floor was one inch from the reach of my toes. Oh plus, I can’t swim AT ALL. 

At first, I was unreasonably and creepily calm as I try to reach some rocks at the bottom with my toes while trying to keep my head above the water. I actually had the slightest glint of hope (that I hold onto so much that I forgot that I could die) that I could stop myself by gripping on a rock with my toes or someone from the families that I hope saw me flailing my arms come save me. They were near enough to save me at the time. Soon, that hope vanishes as reality slaps me in the face with water and I started panicking and flailing my arms more so that I could somehow float and the people who were nearby saw me panicking would come and save me. I became more scared when someone’s fucking handkerchief swam to my fucking face and covered it for a few seconds and I was too busy using my arms trying to keep my head above water. When it finally fell off my face, hope returned to me again as I managed to calm down a little and fought against the current a tiny bit by managing to grip onto small rocks at the riverbed with my toes for once and gripping them with my life and saw a man holding onto a beautiful thick rope that streches across the river . I used my arms to move towards him who was just staring at me and since he didnt grab my arm I instead swam towards the rope beside him where thankfully was swallow enough for a baby to play in. A woman who was watching me walked my way to the shore by pulling myself up with the rope give out a hand to fully pull me out of the water and I was still in shock to say thank you to her.

Then, I made eye contact with my mother who was standing at the area I was previously in before being swept by the current. I could tell that she was very dissapointed in me for not following her orders to stay near her. I just stood there dumbly as a way to say “what should I do now?” cause I was still in shock after fearing for my life.  I also saw my little brothers who was looking at me too. I tried to look down but I kept looking back up and made more eye contact with my mother. Soon, tears start to flow out for some goddamn reason and I tried my best to keep the woman who pulled me out after I was safe and her family from seeing me cry by looking down and putting on my best pokerface ( well, the best pokerface that you can do while stopping yourself from dropping to your knees and crying loudly). I also try to calm myself from the inside like closing the lid of a coke bottle after you dropped a mentos in it, it worked though but I was still quietly crying for some reason that I can’t understand then and right now (maybe my mind was horrified by the reason it came up with and in denial of it by ignoring it, thank you brain). I made my way along the shore towards my mother and sat on a rock for some reason, still quietly crying and in too much shock to think of why. I was too focused on stopping my self from crying and making a pokerface to notice that my mother had walked up to me. She asked why I was crying and I laughed in my thoughts that my mother is the only one who noticed that I was crying unlike other people as in the woman and her family (maybe they did notice but didnt do anything and I have shit pokerface). She nagged about how I should have followed her orders and I should be regretting hard right now but I was actually expecting something else like a hug and comforting words from her and cry harder, still silently though. She asked why I was crying again and I didnt answer, again and instead try to wash my face  to hide the fact that I was crying in case my relatives saw me after I returned to the picnic area. I really didnt want anyone to start asking questions since that leads to answers and panic and uncontrollable crying (from exprience, if I talk about the reason I crying, I cry more uncontrollably because Im thinking about the whole thing and reliving it). My mother and I made a quiet agreement to not tell dad as he would seriously freak out and scold me and my mom for allowing this kind of thing to happen while he was very busy filming the family day event that his side of the family was having or even worse, he could have a stroke or something since he has heart problems. 

My mother was still nagging about how I should have followed her orders and I should be regretting it hard right now as she guide me towards my brothers on the shallow area on other side of the river. They were surprisingly calm for having their older sister nearly dying a minute ago. They didnt say anything though. I have stopped crying by now and made my way towards the picnic area. Everything was abit of a blur after that but I didnt pass out or anything just cant really remember what happened after that because I was too focused on wondering why didnt anyone helped me. My kother said that they were panicking but they werent THAT far and even the man beside the rope didnt do anything to pull me towards the rope even though I could have easily lose my grip on the small rocks and continue being swept by the current unil I die.

In the end, Im blaming that creepy ass toad I made eye contact with before drowning (im 99 percent sure there’s something wrong with that thing. IT STARES INTO MY EYES AND INTO MY FUCKING SOUL AND I CANT ESCAPE IT FUCKING STARE0 and lost all my hope in humanity. If someone fucking recorded that shit instead of saving me......