#there's some impostor syndrome going on feeling like nothing i'm writing is actually making sense or engaging in any way rn

[fuckin-sick-bih]

i hate the days when i desperately want to write but nothing i like comes out of my attempts at writing :( (side note i do make the "just bex talkin" tag so you guys can block it and ignore my rambling in tags if you want my writing but not my bitching lmao)

[junebugwriter]

Impostor I

I've got the impostor syndrome bad tonight.

I wrote about it some on twitter, but I'll talk about it here some too. This space tends to be a bit easier for me to get complex thoughts out anyways, because longer form works better for my brain sometimes.

I have a lot of moments feeling like an impostor when it comes to being trans. I used to feel like I was an impostor just for being an academic, but writing a dissertation flipped a switch in my brain I think, saying "ah, yes, I am actually writing a book now as a scholar, I have Made It." But now, my insecurity is seizing upon being trans.

I don't feel like I'm "trans enough." And I know it's not exactly breaking new ground. Society tells me I'm a guy. My upbringing tells me I'm a guy. My body looks like a guy's body. I'm hairy, large, and overall have masculine features. But there's a lot of my body that's not masculine at all.

Take, for instance, breasts. I have them! I've had them since I was a little kid, because I've always been a bit fat. I've actually been quite sensitive about the fact I had them, because I was operating with the understanding that I Am Male and Male Manly Men do not have Breasts, they have Pecs. So I'd try to flatten them, I'd work out a lot, but nothing ever got rid of them, so I came to somewhat accept them. I even kind of got to like them, their feel, etc. It wasn't """manly""", but who cares about that, I have them, and I had to deal with that.

Also, my hips! I've got sort of a womanish waist. And I like my waist! It suits me, and that's great. Not """manly""", but it's cool, it's BONE STRUCTURE, what am I going to do about that? So I grew to accept it, and now I kind of like it!

If I had to hazard a guess, I'd say I might maybe produce more estrogen in my body than a """normal""" male body, but I won't know until my doc screens me for HRT. I'll put a pin in that, but it's something I think about!

But more than anything, in my brain, I *feel* like a I should be a woman. I identify more with women than with men, in general. I like playing female characters in games, and enjoy movies with more well-rounded and developed female characters. When it comes to attributes and behavioral trends, my behavior makes a lot more sense if I was a woman. I'm more sensitive, more empathetic in general, more submissive and accommodating. And yes, I do realize these are BROAD STEREOTYPES and are anything but scientific, or accurate. Yet I can't shake the feeling... I was meant to be a woman.

I feel that way. It's my brain. It's my heart. And I can't shake it.

But I still look and present as a man in my day-to-day. I'm not out at work. I hope, once I go on HRT and begin changing more of my appearance, the outside of my body will begin to match my insides. But I still struggle with feeling trans ENOUGH.

I just went on a whole ass description of how my brain thinks! And I still! Can't! Shake! The feeling i'm faking it!

What does a bitch have to do to feel like they are deserving of being trans?? Why can't I feel valid in my identity!? All I do is question, and self-analyze, and wonder, and postulate. (I'm a goddang theologian, it's what I do best.) But on and on, I keep circling. Yes. I am a woman. I am trans.

BUT AM I??

aaaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAA

It's so frustrating. It's illogical. I want to Spock my way to certainty in my gender identity. I want a math equation to settle the questions in my brain, the feelings of my heart. But life isn't like that. I've got to Kirk it out, and act with what's not only logical, but emotionally true as well.

I just... wish I could feel validation without agonizing all the time.