#there's no such thing as withholding sex because you never ever ever owe anyone your body

[mostlycompetentwriter]

Tik Tok - A Haven Sequel

F/M Pairing: Chan x OC (original female character)

Genre: Have Sequel; Enemies to Lovers

Warnings: Explicit Smut (unprotected sex) and Language

Word Count: 4.6K

Summary: Chan would do anything for his adopted family, and maybe that’s cost him a chance or two at finding love for himself. However, when the convenience store hires a strong, independent young woman to act as assistant manager, Chan finds himself in competition with someone who is very much like him - he’s just too stubborn to admit it.

A/N: This is another anon request that I spent way too long writing.

There was only so much more that Chan could take before he inevitably fell over the metaphorical edge. It wasn’t helping that work had become a source of unrestrained anxiety and frustration for him, but he definitely didn’t need to be a victim to one of Hyunjin and Jisung’s increasingly frequent pranks. And when Chan woke-up one morning with a strange stirring in his abdomen, he was shocked to find his hand in a warm glass of water while the two miscreants in question observed him from the side of his bed.

“I told you it wouldn’t work!” Hyunjin whined.

Meanwhile, Jisung was shaking his head in disbelief. “Chan, you were supposed to piss the bed!”

Chan rolled his eyes, shaking off the accumulated water droplets from his hand before glaring at Hyunjin and Jisung. “Get the hell out of my room,” he grumbled, and the two younger members had enough common sense to obey the eldest when he was in a foul mood.

Chan sighed as he dragged himself out of bed and into the shower, attempting to do something with the messy curls laying limply on top of this head. It might be a while before he ever bleached his hair again because the sorry state of his scalp was no laughing matter. Yet, Chan eventually found himself giving up on making his hair look presentable, proceeding downstairs to offer a grumpy greeting to Minho, Sara, and Changbin who were reading something from the newspaper.

“Bad mood again?” Minho inquired while stuffing his mouth with more cereal.

“No thanks to anyone in this house,” Chan responded, and he found himself even more irritated when he looked over to see Sara giggling when Changbin whispered something into her ear. “I’m sure everyone would like to hear what’s so damn funny,” Chan said, and Changbin and Sara both immediately averted their gazes.

Meanwhile, Minho was studying him with that stupid look of his that only served to encourage Chan’s quick exit from the kitchen before he blew-up on his members. Honestly, his persistent mood changes weren’t really the fault of anyone he lived with in the house. In fact, the real source of his frayed nerves was the red-headed bitch who the convenience store had just hired as an assistant manager.

Chan had a certain order to how he ran the store, and Lisa was determined to ruin everything. She refused to obey his strict ordinances - often flaunting a change to his regular routine as if she found it humorous. It was like she was going out of her way to make Chan as miserable as possible, and he was slowly losing the battle with his patience.

Perhaps that’s why Chan was dreading the prospect of work, and when he pulled into the parking lot outside of the convenience store, he sent a silent prayer up to anyone who was listening that he might survive the afternoon.

But his mood only worsened from the second he walked through the door, and Lisa spotted him from behind the counter. “Morning, Satan,” she greeted him with a chipper tone that Chan despised.

“I’m supposed to teach you the cash register today,” Chan grumbled, and he threw on his apron before joining Lisa at the front.

“Well, this should be fun,” she remarked. “I guess you’re planning on making it harder than it needs to be.”

Chan frowned at the comment because Lisa had told on numerous occasions that he was far too strict with the store’s management. But that’s how Chan had always been taught to conduct his affairs - with a stern hand and a detailed explanation since all the little details were critical. It’s how he ran the house with the others, ensuring that the budget was maintained and that everyone was always contributing. “You might treat everything with indifference,” Chan said. “But I care a lot about this place.”

It was the first job he ever had, and Chan owed a lot to the owners who agreed to take a chance on a young man who had no experience to offer them. Overtime, Chan had proven himself more than capable, and he would like to keep things in order like he preferred. “Whatever,” Lisa said while smacking her chewing gum

Which Chan had told her repeatedly was improper.

“Listen carefully,” Chan said, and he inputted his employee ID before grabbing a few items around the register. “I’ll start with a demonstration.”

“Great,” Lisa said with an exaggerated sigh that Chan chose to ignore as he meticulously explained the various types of ways in which a customer might try to pay for their purchases. 

“Credit or debit,” Chan reiterated. “They might also try paying with cash or a check, and you have to make sure that it’s legal tender.”

“Ugh,” Lisa groaned. “Do me a favor, Chan, and skip the lecture where you explain the history of counterfeiting.”

Chan immediately tensed at the sharp jab, but he took a deep breath to steel his nerves before he ensured that Lisa understood what every button on the register controlled. “Our clientele expect quick service,” Chan said. “You can’t spend all day trying to figure out how to open the drawer.”

“Oh, really?” Lisa asked, and she raised an eyebrow in question as she reached over to press the button in question without even looking. “It’s not that hard.”

“Yes,” Chan hissed as he slapped her hand away. “I can’t expect anything less from you! I suppose you think this whole job is a big joke and you can do whatever the hell you want?”

“When did I say that?” Lisa countered. “I respect the position, and if there’s a problem with the store, then it’s you.”

Chan froze at the accusation, and he imagined that someone might be inclined to draw flames above his head because the comment was nothing short of incendiary. “I’m the problem?!”

“That’s what I said,” Lisa replied. “You take everything too seriously, Chan. I’ve spoken to the other employees, and they’re all afraid of messing up because you expect perfection.”

“What’s wrong with that?”

“Everything!” Lisa exclaimed. “Most of these kids are working here part-time to help get themselves through school. You act like this place is a damn computer software company!”

“There’s nothing bad about taking pride in my work,” Chan said.

“I never said that,” Lisa returned. “But you take your work to the extreme, and it really makes it hard to come in every morning just to here you complain that there aren’t exactly twelve cups next to the slush machine!”

But Chan was flabbergasted - he had never seen anyone stand up to him like this and express such vile contempt. He was just trying to make everything better! Why was that so difficult for her to see?

“We’re supposed to be professional,” Chan finally muttered. “I’ll be in the back office.”

“Okay, but have fun micromanaging everyone,” Lisa said, and Chan started counting down from ten inside his head before he really lost his shit.

It was late when Chan returned home, and he was feeling drained from his horrible day at work. As soon as he pulled into the driveway, he rested his head against the steering wheel for just a moment to collect his thoughts. His mind was a chaotic engine of latent rage directed at Lisa, but he didn’t want to take it out on anyone inside the house.

And when he felt like he had better control over his emotions, he put on a forced smile and greeted Jisung and Hyunjin who were both sitting in the living room. “Yo, Chan,” Jisung said, and he was jabbing at the buttons on his Xbox controller. “You look pissed.”

“Just a bad day at work,” Chan said, and he lifted his head when he started smelling something spicy. “Is someone cooking?”

“Y/N and Minho were supposed to make dinner,” Jisung said.

“I think they just made a mess,” Hyunjin added, and he laughed at the pained expression on Chan’s face.

“Oh, great,” Chan muttered, and he knew to prepare himself when he walked into the kitchen to greet a cloud of smoke.

“Channie!” Y/N yelled, standing at the stove and mixing some sort of sauce in a giant pan. “I’m making your favorite.”

“I can see that,” Chan said while withholding a sigh - his kitchen was a disaster, and Minho wasn’t washing the dirty dishes fast enough before new ones piled up on the counter.

“Excuse the mess,” Y/N said as if realizing that Chan was not pleased by what she had done.

“Y/N,” Chan groaned - looking around the disaster zone that she had made of their dishes. “What the hell were you thinking?”

Both Y/N and Minho looked up at the same time - surprised to hear Chan’s bitter tone. “What do you mean?” Y/N asked. “You were coming home late so I thought I could make dinner.”

“Yeah, but look at this fucking mess,” Chan cursed, and Y/N flinched because Chan never cursed very much.

“I’m sorry, Chan,” she whispered. “I was just trying to be nice.”

“You never do it right!” Chan found himself snapping at Y/N who instantly cowered behind Minho who had come to stand between his girlfriend and Chan.

“Hey!” Minho growled, and he was suddenly crowding Chan against the wall. “Don’t talk to her like that.”

“Get off,” Chan grunted, and he shoved harshly at Minho’s shoulders. “I don’t need this right now!”

“Is that right?” Minho asked. “You think I shouldn’t say anything when you come home and act like the world’s biggest asshole?”

“You’re just making everything worse,” Chan retorted.

“No!” Minho shouted. “You’re the one who made this into a problem! We’ve been working for hours getting this together, and you have no right to come home and accuse us of anything.”

“Are you blind?” Chan snapped. “The kitchen is a war zone!”

“It can always be cleaned,” Minho said, and he turned around to look at Y/N while softening his tone. “Go upstairs, baby, this isn’t your fault.”

Y/N nodded once before cautiously tiptoeing backwards in the direction of the side door, and Minho waited until she was gone before returning his attention to Chan. “What’s going on with you, Chan? You’ve been rude to everyone these past few weeks.”

Chan closed his eyes as he swallowed down his pride and bruised ego because he knew that Minho was right. “I know,” he said. “There’s been a lot going on at work, and I don’t know what to do.”

“Figure it out, Chan,” Minho said - blunt as always. “You can’t let this affect everyone else.”

Chan knew that Minho was right, but he had never felt so conflicted.

During his next shift, Chan was determined to control his undesirable tendencies and assume a far more lenient attitude with the rest of his employees. 

“You’re doing fine,” Chan said, even though he was screaming on the inside while watching an employee attempt to stack one of the produce windows.

The young man offered him a sincere smile to express his gratitude, and Chan took that as affirmation that he could return to Lisa’s side as she restocked the candy section. “You’re in a good mood,” she remarked while offering him a look of suspicion,

“Why wouldn’t I be?” Chan asked while crossing his arms over his chest - a move that was meant to keep him from reaching out to straighten the price tags.

“Well, there’s been like a thousand violations of your unspoken rules,” Lisa remarked. “That new guy even broke the coffee machine.”

“His paycheck next week should suffice to repair the damages,” Chan said through gritted teeth - an unexpected chink in his armor. 

But Lisa caught it nonetheless, and she smirked while indicating to the display she was working on. “Do you have something to say about my section?”

“Of course not,” Chan exhaled.

“What about the expiration dates,” she said before leaning in closer. “I didn’t even check them”

Chan grimaced, and he could feel the beginnings of his patience unraveling. “It’s fine, Lisa.”

“Really?” she asked. “Would it bother you if I left the labels backwards?”

“No,” Chan muttered. “But it might be better if they were facing the customer.”

“Should they be alphabetical as well?”

Oh, that was the last straw! Chan was done with this whole good guy act, and he didn’t need Minho or anyone else to tell him how he should act towards the people who were supposed to be working under him! “I’ve fucking had enough!” Chan exclaimed, and he reached out for Lisa’s hand and started pulling her in the direction of the backroom.

“What’s this all about?” she asked, but there was an airiness to her tone that told Chan that she still wasn’t taking things seriously!

He locked the door behind them and corralled Lisa against the wall - to the point where their noses were brushing. “Do you take some sort of sick satisfaction in pissing me off?”

“Maybe I like you this way,” Lisa said, and Chan was startled when she reached out to wrap her arms around his shoulders. “This is a good look on you, Chan.”

“What?” he questioned, but he didn’t pull away because there was something strangely hypnotic about her eyes. 

“I’m really attracted to you,” she whispered, and the sound was spoken directly into his ear. “Isn’t it obvious?”

“Lisa-”

But Chan was interrupted by the unexpected pressure of her lips against his - wiping all coherent thoughts out of his mind.

“I think you might want to talk less, Mr. Bang,” Lisa purred, and Chan clenched his jaw to strengthen his resolve.

“Get on your knees,” he growled, and Lisa closed her eyes around a moan before pushing back against his chest - allowing her enough room to drop down on the floor while her hands started working apart his belt. 

“I’ve been wanting this since our first day together,” Lisa said, and Chan braced himself against the wall when she took out his cock from his boxer shorts - running her hand up and down his length. “You’re really big, Chan.”

“Yeah?” Chan grunted, and he could barely hold himself together when her lips wrapped themselves around the tip of his erection. 

He watched through a haze of lust as she took him deeper - hollowing her cheeks while bobbing her head along his cock. It was the last thing Chan could’ve ever imagined, but he was experiencing so much pleasure from her warm mouth. 

“Is it good?” Lisa asked - pulling off for a moment to ask the question while exploring the slit of his cock where pre-cum was already forming.

“Keep going,” Chan replied, and dug his fingers into her crimson-colored hair to ensure that she took him as far as she could. “Is this what it takes to shut you up?” Chan snarled, forcing more of his cock down her throat.

Lisa moaned around him, and Chan almost came from the vibrations that jostled his sensitive erection. “Take off your jeans,” Chan said, managing the words around a rather loud moan that he couldn’t seem to prevent.

But Lisa obeyed him at once, shimmying down her skinny jeans while sucking on his cock and using her tongue to trace the underside. “Stand up, slut,” Chan ordered, and he was pleased by Lisa’s willing compliance as she walked over to a nearby desk - spreading her legs wide when he walked between the gap. “Do you want me to fuck you?”

Lisa nodded her head, glancing back over her shoulder to give him her best sultry look. “I know you’re angry with me, Chan, and I deserve whatever you give me.”

Chan was delighted by the words, and he didn’t hesitate to push his cock inside her welcoming heat, grinding his hips against her ass just to feel her convulsing around him. “Where was this obedience before?” Chan asked, pulling out to just the tip before forcing himself back inside with as much strength as he could manage.

Lisa gasped when her hips slammed against the edge of her desk - whimpering around the discomfort. But Chan had no intentions of stopping, and he held onto her waist as he started ramming himself into her pussy with the weight of his frustrations adding to his power. It was hot and passionate, and the sounds of their fucking echoed throughout the backroom while Lisa’s moans provided the perfect melody.

“Come inside,” Lisa said, and Chan cursed.

“Are you on the pill?”

“Yeah,” she gasped, and Chan knew better than to leave her unattended, even if she might deserve it, so he allowed one hand to leave her hip and play with her clit in teasing circles.

“Come with me,” Chan said, and he pressed down even harder while nailing himself between her walls one last time before the entire world exploded around him.

There was a blurriness around the edges of his vision, and Chan was gasping for breath while Lisa hummed in content from beneath him.

When Chan woke-up the following morning, he wasn’t sure what to think of the unexpected encounter he had with Lisa from the previous afternoon. For the remainder of his shift, he had avoided Lisa as much as possible while carrying the weight of his guilty conscious. Because he couldn’t help but think that he had taken things too far, and their work relationship would suffer as a consequence.

Chan glanced at the clock on his nightstand and knew that he couldn’t delay the inevitable any further. But at least Chan could afford enough pride and apologize to Lisa? Perhaps she would forgive him, and they could forget about everything that had happened and move on with their lives.

But maybe Chan’s optimism was misplaced because Lisa gave him a dark look when he met her at the counter. “Oh, hey,” Chan said, and he winced when his voice broke.

“So...” Lisa trailed off, looking at him with an intense gaze. “Yesterday was something.”

“Uh, yeah,” Chan said, and he allowed an awkward laugh as he messed with the cash register. 

“You don’t regret it, do you?” Lisa asked, and this was Chan’s opportunity to fall on his knees and beg for her forgiveness. Because she was surely upset with Chan for his behavior. Yet, when Chan forced himself to look at her, he was surprised to see that she held no resentment.

“I don’t know,” Chan decided. “I guess I’m confused.”

“Confused?” Lisa repeated with a playful smile. “Chan, we had sex, there’s nothing to be confused about.”

“Shhh,” Chan hissed, looking around the room to see if anyone had overheard them. 

“What’s wrong?” Lisa asked with a laugh. “Chan, you were fantastic. I wish we had done that earlier.”

“R-really?” Chan stuttered, and he hesitated when Lisa leaned into his weight.

“I loved it,” she told him. “I’ve never been with someone like you before.”

Chan was surely blushing, and he could feel the heat scalding his ears. “Lisa, I don’t usually act like that.”

“Oh, I know,” Lisa said, and her fingers trailed down the buttons on his shirt. “It was refreshing, Chan, to see you so aggressive. I could get used to that.”

Her words did something peculiar to his arousal, and he found himself feeling more comfortable around her. “You mean, it’s better than how I usually am.”

“There’s really nothing wrong with your little ticks,” Lisa said. “I think you could afford to loosen up every once in a while.”

“I see,” Chan said, and he reached out for her waist. “Are you the person who can help me relax?”

“If that’s what you want, baby,” Lisa said, and Chan couldn’t stand it anymore - reaching for her hand to bring them both back to that same backroom where everything had collapsed around them.

His lips were on hers instantly, and Chan moaned when their tongues started to move between them. “Come here,” Chan growled low in his throat, wrapping his arms around her waist to pull her closer.

Lisa allowed him to handle her with a sigh of pleasure, and she opened up for him like a beautiful flower - something gorgeous to behold. Chan had never experienced these feelings with anyone else, and he was certain that he had lost every bit of oxygen in his lungs when they finally pulled away from their heated session for more air.

“Woah!” 

They both jumped apart at the sound of their co-workers voice, and he held up his hands in surrender while his gaze moved between Chan and Lisa with clear surprise. “Josh,” Chan said, and his voice had a much higher-pitch than usual.

“I’m sorry,” Josh said. “I didn’t realize-”

“It’s okay,” Chan interrupted, and he backed away from Lisa with a heavy breath. “I need to check on the shipment.”

He was gone without waiting for Josh’s response, but there was a small voice at the back of his head that told Chan he needed to figure this thing out between him and Lisa before the situation escalated.

Still, he couldn’t really explain his decision, but Chan found himself standing outside of Minho’s bedroom that night with his hand raised to knock. Of course, it was one thing to think about something, and another to actually put those thoughts into action. Consequently, Chan was desperately searching for the courage to reach out - literally - and ask Minho for help.

Thankfully, his internal debate was terminated when the door suddenly opened and Minho flinched in surprise when he saw Chan. “Were you just standing out here?” Minho asked, and Chan took a deep breath.

“Can I talk to you about something?”

“Sure,” Minho said, and he stood back to allow Chan enough room to walk inside.

“It’s something kinda personal,” Chan said, and he was grateful that Han and Felix weren’t there because it was already awkward enough opening up to Minho.

“You can sit down,” Minho said, and Chan joined the younger on his bed while messing with the loose fabric of his work jeans. “Is something wrong?”

“it’s more like...someone,” Chan said.

“Oh?” Minho frowned. “The same person who’s been bothering you at work?”

“How did you-” But Chan trailed off at the end of his sentence and decided not to question Minho.

He was unusually astute for his age.

“I figured it out,” Minho still answered him. “Did you want to talk about this person?”

“Yeah, but’s complicated.”

“Why?”

Chan grunted at the question because he didn’t really know why things had gotten so complicated. “I thought there was a mutual hatred, but I think I read everything wrong.”

“Something changed your mind,” Minho said, and Chan slowly nodded.

“We had sex.”

“Woah!” Minho laughed, and he threw up his hands like he wasn’t quite ready to just jump into this part of the story. “All of a sudden?”

“She got on my nerves.”

“So, you thought that sex would fix everything?”

“I don’t know,” Chan groaned, and he collapsed backwards on the mattress. “But she said that she really liked me.”

“Did she give any indication of that before?”

“No,” Chan replied. “But she was always messing with me. She liked to ruin the way I ran the store, and she tried to change everything.

“Damn,” Minho finally remarked. “I admire any woman who has the guts to stand up to you.”

“What do you mean?” Chan asked, and he supported himself against his hands as he glared at Minho.

“Don’t take it personally,” Minho said. “But you’re a bit of a control-freak, Chan.”

“Are you sure?” Chan asked, and it was a dumb question because Minho rolled his eyes.

“I’ve been living with you for years, dude. I’m bound to notice these things.”

“Well, I don’t mean to act that way,” Chan said, and Minho sighed and patted his shoulder.

“The first step is admitting your wrong-doings, my friend.”

“But what am I supposed to do about Lisa?”

“Oh, is that her name?”

Chan groaned in frustration because nothing was going the way he expected. “It feels awkward.”

“Then, you have to talk to her,” Minho said - like it could really be that simple.

“It’s awkward,” Chan repeated with a pointed glare.

“And there’s only one way to fix the awkward,” Minho replied. “Seriously, Chan? Don’t make this into something bigger than it needs to be.”

Chan knew that Minho was right (because he was really good at helping others with their problems), but he was still afraid. He was scared that talking to Lisa would bring up complicated feelings that he’s never had to deal with before, and what was he supposed to do, then? Feelings weren’t something that his careful rules could control, and he didn’t like it when things happened without him realizing. But he was also frightened by the idea of ruining something because of his own shortcomings, and maybe it was time that he made the effort for someone else.

And Lisa was certainly worth more than all the consequences.

Chan was a complete mess of nervous energy when he started his shift on a bright, promising Saturday afternoon. He diligently cleaned down the counters, and ensured that the register was online before shifting back and forth between his feet as he stared at the entrance. Because Lisa was due to come in for her shift at any moment, and Chan was giving himself a mental pep-talk for their impending conversation.

But it still didn’t stop his heart from beating erratically when she arrived, giving him a generous smile as she took off her coat. “Good morning, Chan,” she said, and he was relieved that the old nickname of “Satan” had been abandoned.

“Lisa,” Chan said, clearing his throat. “Can I talk to you?”

“Sure!” Lisa said, and she walked behind the counter to stand next to him. “What’s up?”

“Well,” Chan started around a deep breath, “I want to talk to you about our...encounters.”

“Encounters?” Lisa repeated, and Chan could feel himself growing more and more embarrassed as she teased him. “You mean like when we had sex in the backroom?”

“Yes, that,” Chan said, and Lisa giggled. “I just think I handled everything inappropriately, especially the way I talked to you.”

“Oh, don’t apologize for that,” Lisa said with a sly wink. “I liked the things you said to me.”

“Uh-huh,” Chan agreed, and he shook his head to collect his thoughts. “I should’ve never avoided you because I made things worse, and that was wrong of me.”

“It’s fine, Chan,” Lisa assured him. “I was willing to give you all the space you needed.”

Chan was surprised by her generosity, and he pushed through to the end of his little speech. “Would it be okay if we tried things out?” Chan asked. “Like, maybe in the right way?”

“The right way?” Lisa repeated with an amused smile.

“Yeah, like I could take you on a date or something,” Chan said, hoping he didn’t look as awkward as he sounded.

“Hmmm.” Lisa pretended to consider his suggestion, running the tips of her fingers over the edges of his bright-red ears. But she eventually ended his misery - moving in closer for a sweet kiss that Chan could feel all the way down to the points of his toes. “I would love that, Chan.”

And maybe he could blame it on the novelty of the situation, but Chan quite liked the warm feeling that blossomed from the center of his chest. Almost as if he had never felt more content before in his entire life.

[thememestho]

＊*•̩̩͙✩•̩̩͙*˚ 911 fox sentence meme

enjoy this overly extra sentence meme series. episode 1.05 (part 5 of ?)

Do you love him?

How do you know?

Marriage is supposed to change you.

Just have a seat, let us do our job.

Hey, I got you.

What’s the matter with you!?

You know what you did, you son of a bitch!

Back off _____.

Back off, really? Not 24 hours ago, you were saying, "Help."

So, this wedding... It's an arranged marriage.

Can you imagine committing to someone you don't even know? 

Does anyone really know anybody?

So how long they gonna have you chained to that desk?

That girl is wicked.

I swear, it's like I don't even know these people I'm supposed to be the closest to.

Trouble at home?

_____  and I went over there to make sure he was still alive.

It's like he's got this invisible wall up.

I got nothing else to do all day anyway.

You don't owe her anything. In fact, you got credit in that account.

I just don't want her making waves.

Look like Bruce Wayne isn't the only one with a few secrets.

He's a fireman.

I'm kind of having a nervous breakdown.

She was gone when I woke up.

How long has it been, a year?

I mean, you know me better than anyone has ever known me.

I'm not that troublemaker anymore. You can see that, can't you?

Withholding can become a challenge.

They've given me their absolute trust, and I've given them nothing in return.

All it takes is a conversation, kind of like this one.

There are things about me they just can't know.

You smell minty.

Did I miss dinner?

Where'd you get such a beautiful brain?

Probably Target.

If I don't go for my walk before bed, my back tightens up.

A broken back never really fully heals, so...

Wait. Don't-don't go.

Babe, I'm-I'm gonna be right back, alright?

I accepted the idea that when you went to work, you might not come home.

Baby, I just forgot my phone and then I lost track of time.

You're my rock, _____.

No, no, don't touch me.

You've been lying to me for months.

I didn't want to believe it because you were so adamant when you got out of rehab last year that that was, that was the last time.

It's anything to make the pain go away.

I didn't want to tell you about it.

No. I-I was handling it. I thought I was.

I'm not weak. I can beat this.

I'm strong. I am unbreakable.

I-I'm Superman. I go into burning buildings and I come out without a scratch.

That’s me, not this.

I don’t want you here tonight.

I love you. I'll forgive you for this, just... not tonight.

I'm right here. I'm right here. Do you think you can walk?

Guess he didn't want any trouble.

You've been carrying this all by yourself all this time.

It's not the kind of story I want to share.

, if you don't trust your friends to see and know you for who you are... Honestly, completely... Then you don't really have any friends.

You’re allowed to be human.

I just miss 'em so much.

So you about ready to tell me what's bugging you?

_____, that’s not fair.

She doesn’t give a crap about him.

Worst first date ever, right?

You’ve not had sex in almost a year?

Did you get that from the macho handbook?

I mean, you were like a full-on Jedi.

I feel calm around you.

So, that is the most amount of time I have ever spent with a woman I want to have sex with without actually having sex with her.

It's that nightdress.  lt's just so hot.

And no matter what you're feeling right now... don't go have sex with some girl on Tinder.

You were thinking about it.

It is a beautiful day, ________. My love.

Call me _______ again, you're going over the balcony.

What are you, high?

I have never seen you laugh like that. 

Well, I wasn't always like this. So shut down.

And I moved forward by never letting anybody get so important to me that I had to go through that kind of loss again.

But apparently I'm not very good at it, because you and _____ have become that important to me.

[tabloidtoc]

National Enquirer, July 13

You can buy a copy of this issue for your very own at my eBay store: https://www.ebay.com/str/bradentonbooks

Cover: Steve Bing knew too much -- movie mogul murdered in Jeffrey Epstein cover-up 

Page 2: Jennifer Garner is blaming ex-husband Ben Affleck’s new squeeze Ana de Armas for him spending a lot more time with their kids making her the odd mom out 

Page 3: Reese Witherspoon wants to muscle in on Gwyneth Paltrow’s turf as a lifestyle guru and Gwyneth is fit to be tied -- Reese is consumed with creating her own business empire and she doesn’t care who gets in the way but Gwyneth can’t believe Reese would encroach on her territory like this 

Page 4: Drew Barrymore’s long-anticipated CBS talk show is in danger of being killed by the coronavirus before it ever airs and Drew is freaking out over doing interviews without her adoring fans smiling from their seats

Page 5: Big-hearted Dolly Parton is helping a devastated Kelly Clarkson bounce back from the wreckage of her shattered marriage, kid-crazy Kathie Lee Gifford is begging her newlywed daughter Cassidy to hurry up and give her a grandchild but it’s embarrassing for Cassidy who’d like to enjoy married life for a little while before starting a family 

Page 6: Dennis Quaid secretly eloped with Laura Savoie, photos of Pierce Brosnan clearly show surgical scars under his left breast revealing the 67-year-old star has recently gone under the knife and a doctor says the scars resemble breast tumor excisions 

Page 7: Jimmy Kimmel might not be coming back as the disgraced late-night talk show host who’s come under fire for performing in blackface in the past has been taking time off for a summer vacation but he may be gone for good -- Jimmy apologized for the blackface incident and making an insensitive joke about Megan Fox but ABC execs are already seeking a replacement and Melissa McCarthy and Kevin Hart and Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson are contenders but the name that keeps coming up is Ryan Seacrest 

Page 8: Why Prince Harry hates Prince William -- Will made a bold bid to make peace with his rebel brother Harry but it exploded into a battle royal that may never be mended -- everyone is blaming Henry’s wife Meghan Markle and she certainly hasn’t helped but the rift started way before she came on the scene and goes much deeper than anyone ever knew because Harry hates Will because years of living in his brother’s shadow have left Harry tormented by one all-consuming belief that nobody loves him 

Page 9: Spurned Gayle King is devastated after a younger woman stole away the love of her life U.S. Sen. Cory Booker -- the 65-year-old CBS This Morning host and the 51-year-old New Jersey politician had long been rumored to be hot and heavy before star Rosario Dawson gave Cory a new lease on his love life 

Page 10: Hot Shots -- Alex Trebek and wife Jean wear masks and hard hats as they visit a home improvement store, Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson offered a toast of gratitude and tossed back tequila, Brooke Shields doing a puzzle alongside daughters Rowan and Grier Henchy and their pal Luke, Bella Hadid during a photo shoot in Corsica 

Page 11: Megan Fox’s super-hot romance with Machine Gun Kelly has a slim-to-none chance of going the distance because right now their chemistry is sizzling but he’s also turned into Megan’s personal gofer and the people in his life find it pathetic, Matthew Perry has a flabby fanny and he put it on display for the world to see after he suffered a wardrobe malfunction and exposed his tush while climbing out of his car at his Malibu home 

Page 12: Straight Shuter -- Izabel Goulart on the beach (picture), Billie Eilish’s new James Bond song No Time to Die has been a disaster with just 52,000 downloads which is why they’re talking about replacing her, when fashion powerhouse Anna Wintour was still new in town in 1975 she took a walk on the wild side with Bob Marley and her fleeting relationship with Bob is something she’s pretty proud of, tensions between Pete Davidson and the rest of the Saturday Night Live cast were bad but now it’s worse because he thinks he’s a movie star and he’s a nightmare, The Bachelor franchise is making changes to the show far beyond just having the first-ever Black bachelor Matt James by adding more diverse cast and crew 

Page 13: Troubled Southern Charm star Kathryn Dennis was labeled a racist after butting heads with a South Carolina radio personality and now she’s being sued by a Charleston brand consultant who claims Kathryn owes her nearly $5000 in unpaid wages, things are going south for scandal-soaked ratings-challenged reality show Southern Charm as the show is on the verge of cancellation

Page 14: True Crime -- porn star Ron Jeremy was charged with raping three women and sexually assaulting another and could do hard time if found guilty 

Page 15: Bill Cosby is certain the Pennsylvania Supreme Court’s shocking decision to hear his appeal for his 2018 rape conviction is the only thing that could keep him from dying behind bars, Crocodile Hunter star Steve Irwin’s Australia Zoo could be shut down for good -- his widow Terri Irwin revealed the heartbreaking news that the beloved Queensland attraction was on the brink of collapse due to the coronavirus pandemic 

Page 16: Pamela Anderson is mortified because her hated ex Adil Rami has been spilling secrets about their sex life, Jeremy Renner’s ex-wife Sonni Pacheco has accused the Avengers star of being a deadbeat dad and demanding $500,000 in back child support and an extra $100,000 for expenses -- she dropped the bombshell in their custody battle over seven-year-old daughter Ava after previously accusing Jeremy of drug abuse and womanizing and claims he retaliated against her by withholding and refusing to pay hundreds of thousands of dollars in child support that he was ordered to pay her, NFL superstar Ben Roethlisberger was an alcohol addict and a porn fiend 

Page 18: Real Life 

Page 19: Kim Jong-un’s trigger happy sister Kim Yo-jong is making the North Korean dictator look like a wimp as she ruthlessly tightens her grip on power and pushes the rogue nation closer to war 

Page 20: Hollywood’s Craziest Exes -- wild unions ended in bitter breakups -- Tiger Woods and Elin Nordegren, Madonna and Sean Penn, Johnny Depp and Amber Heard

Page 21: Sandra Bullock and Jesse James, Mel Gibson and Oksana Grigorieva, Paul McCartney and Heather Mills, Angelina Jolie and Billy Bob Thornton 

Page 22: Health Watch, Ask the Vet 

Page 26: Cover Story -- Movie king Steve Bing knew too much -- fears perv Jeffrey Epstein’s pal got tossed from 27th floor in murder staged as suicide 

Page 28: Scientologist Danny Masterson attended an event to combat sexual exploitation at a church-sponsored event years after the religion’s leaders were told he’d been accused of rape, quarantine has fired up Ne-Yo’s love life -- the singer who split from his wife Crystal Smith early this year said that living together under lockdown together has helped him lock back in with his spouse 

Page 34: Chris Evans whines playing superhero Captain America has wrecked his chances for romance -- he thought he’d be married and have kids by now but the whole Captain America phenomenon has left him less trusting about people he meets and what their motivations may be, Hollywood Hookups -- Raven-Symone marries Miranda Maday, Demi Lovato’s boyfriend Max Ehrich is ready to pop the question, Khloe Kardashian and Tristan Thompson are together again during lockdown 

Page 36: Warring exes Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have called a temporary truce as they struggle to find the right school for their kids, troubled Playboy Playmate Ashley Mattingly used a single gunshot to end her short and tragic life 

Page 38: Glen Campbell’s adult children are on the warpath over his widow’s scathing new tell-all because it paints the legendary hitmaker as a booze-soaked maniac 

Page 42: Red Carpet Stars & Stumbles -- Nicole Kidman 

Page 45: Spot the Differences -- Sharon and Kelly and Ozzy Osbourne on the show Celebrity Watch Party 

Page 47: Odd List 

[missjanjie]

Branjie Fic | Hold Me Closer, Tiny Dancer (11/11)

Title: Hold Me Closer, Tiny Dancer Summary: Brooke Lynn is a graduate student anxiously embracing her new position as her favorite dance professors’ new TA. Vanessa is a sophomore dance major who just might make her way into being more than the teacher(assistant)’s pet. (lesbian/university AU) Word Count: ~2.5k (this chapter)/~28.9k (total) Relationship: Branjie (Vanessa ‘Vanjie’ Mateo/Brooke Lynn Hytes) Rating: E

Read on AO3 | Ch. 1 | Ch. 2 | Ch. 3 | Ch. 4 | Ch.5 | Ch. 6 | Ch. 7 | Ch. 8 | Ch. 9 | Ch. 10

Vanessa was breathing heavily, staring up at the ceiling. Her face was red and dotted with beads of sweat. “Fuck, that was intense. Was it good for you?”

Brooke Lynn nodded with a satisfied grin. “Best one so far. Think you’ve got one last round in you?”

“But I’m so tired,” Vanessa whined, pouting and stomping her feet.

“I know you are, baby. But this is your final project. I don’t grade it, so you’ve really got to be at the top of your game,” she explained. “Come on, I think you can get through one more time before calling it a day,” she insisted.

And sure enough, Vanessa was able to get through her routine one last time before she threw in the towel. “You know we ain’t fucking tonight, right?” she murmured as she grabbed a towel to wipe her forehead.

“You say that now,” Brooke retorted with a laugh, “But you and I both know you have the willpower of a toddler at a birthday party,” she smirked at how Vanessa huffed indignantly because they both knew it was true. It was impossible for her to withhold sex as a punishment when it meant she would have to go without it as well.

Vanessa rolled her eyes and gathered her things. “Well, you at least owe me dinner,” she decided.

The day of Vanessa’s final project left her full of nerves from the moment she woke up to the moment she and Brooke Lynn walked into the studio – something no one even bothered to question, it was an open secret as Yvie had once said – and she showed no signs of calming down.

Presentations went in alphabetical order, and Vanessa greatly appreciated that – being in the middle of the pack was the perfect place to be as far as she was concerned. Katya could see what she put together, get graded, and let it blend among the other students. Normally, she loved standing out and being the center of attention, but this was different, daunting. Everything rode on this and she just hadn’t gotten her confidence up to where it needed to be.

“Nice job, Olivia,” Katya smiled as the girl sat down. Had they really gone so far down the list already? “Alright, Vanjie. You’re up next,” she called out.

Brooke gave her hand a quick squeeze. “You got this,” she whispered before nudging her towards the vacant space in the studio that was being used for the final performances.

And so, Vanessa took her place with a deep breath. She looked to Katya with a nod, signaling her to turn the music on. The beat was different than any of the ones that had been used before her, but she did her best to let that empower her, reminding herself of everything Brooke Lynn would tell her – how her uniqueness could be the best tool in her belt if she honed it in. Nobody at this school believed in her more than Brooke, and she wanted to make her proud.

“Mary J. Blige?” one girl whispered to another, getting a shrug in response. But – admittedly to Vanessa’s surprise – most of the class was smiling and nodding along as ‘No More Drama’ played through the speakers as Vanessa danced.

It was a song she had fallen in love with the very first time she listened to it. The connection she had to it was strong and fierce, so when she suggested it in her brainstorming session with Brooke Lynn, it seemed like the perfect fit. She was able to lose herself in the music, her body moving without her brain telling her where or why. Suddenly, she wasn’t in front of her classmates or Katya or even Brooke Lynn. She was in her childhood bedroom in Tampa, dancing and lip syncing into her hairbrush after her first breakup, trying to convince herself that everything would be okay.

In those moments, Vanessa was fully submerged into her passion and it was clear to everyone in that room that she deserved to be there as much as any of her trained, polished peers. They all applauded when she finished, no longer gasping for air and sweating like she had been during rehearsal.

“Great job, Vanjie,” Katya smiled in approval as her student returned to where she had been sitting down.

Brooke Lynn also gave Vanessa a thumbs up from her chair, grinning from ear to ear with an overwhelming sense of pride. She did her best to professionally watch the rest of the students, but every now and then she would catch her gaze drifting towards her girlfriend. Luckily Katya had followed through on her stance of being the sole grader of the projects as well.

By the time the class was over, the air seemed to feel lighter. Everyone was relieved to be finished – for many of the students for the entire semester. Brooke Lynn gathered her belongings – her coat, bag, and Vanessa – and headed out of the building. “It’s snowing,” she observed. “Have you ever wished you stayed in the city long enough to have a white Christmas?”

Vanessa shook her head. “Nah, it’s more fun opening presents while getting a tan if you ask me,” she chuckled, exhaling to see her breath in front of her. “You can take the girl out of Tampa, but you can’t take the Tampa out of the girl,” Brooke chuckled as they got to Vanessa’s dorm. “How far along have you gotten on packing?” she asked as they got in out of the cold. Without waiting, she answered it herself. “Let me guess, you haven’t actually started yet?”

Vanessa pouted. “Shut up,” she crossed her arms, then sighed, “I hate packing,” she whined.

“You can’t get your beachy Christmas if you don’t clear this place out,” Brooke reminded her, gathering Vanessa’s luggage bags. “Your roommate left already, right?” she asked, putting the luggage down on the stripped-down bed.

“Last night, yeah. Took a five-a.m. flight back to Ohio,” Vanessa confirmed as she finally got around to packing up. They worked in relative silence for a while before she turned to her. “I want you to come visit me over break. Not for Christmas, I know you got family to see. But during January. We deserve some real alone time,” she mused.

At first, Brooke was a little surprised by the offer, but the more she thought about it, the more sense it made – they would have to go six weeks apart after spending almost the entire semester together. Their lives had become so deeply intertwined that separating them seemed wrong. “You don’t think your mom or anyone else would mind? I wouldn’t want to impose, I could always stay at a hotel, or—”

“Brooke, dial it down,” Vanessa put her hands up on her shoulders. “My family loves you. None of them would shut up about you after Thanksgiving. Seriously, it started to get annoying as hell,” she added with a laugh. “Everyone would be thrilled to have you if, you know, you don’t mind sacrificing some family time���”

Brooke smiled warmly and leaned down to kiss her sweetly. “Spending time with you will never be a sacrifice. I’ll make it work,” she assured. The way she figured it, it would all work out – spend the holidays with her family, get her fill of Canada, then migrate down south to spend a couple weeks with her girlfriend. Now that she thought about it, she couldn’t think of a better way to spend her break. “I’ll book a flight as soon as I get back home.”

----------

“Wow, you’re really hauling ass all the way down to fucking Florida for her? I didn’t realize you two were that serious,” Katya remarked as she handed a thick folder of paper to Brooke. “Oooh, do you think she’s it? The one? I honestly thought you guys were just going to fuck and go your separate ways. Frankly, I’m impressed,” she added.

Brooke’s mouth went agape. “Really? But you’ve been trying to play matchmaker from day one,” she blinked, shaking her head before opening the folder to enter the final grades into the system.

“Well, yes,” Katya conceded, “I was going into it with the intentions of getting you laid. Falling in love was all on you, babe,” she chuckled. “So? Is she the one?”

There was a silent moment. Saying something like that out loud was setting it in stone – you can’t simply bounce back after calling someone ‘the one’. “I love her,” Brooke finally answered. “And she loves me. Neither of those things are going to change any time soon. We’re in a good place, we’ve been together about four months now, and see a future on the horizon…if that makes her ‘the one’, then yeah, I guess she is.”

“I would definitely be lying if I claimed to have seen this coming,” Katya admitted. “But if you get me accused of favoritism, I’m hunting you down wherever you are,” she warned with a laugh.

When Brooke Lynn had gotten to Vanessa’s sheet, she understood what she meant. “Hey, as someone that spent many nights watching her study, I can tell you she earned this ‘A’ fair and square. But I’m not going to spoil the surprise,” she promised. “All in all, I think this was a pretty successful term.”

Katya clasped her hand onto Brooke Lynn’s shoulder. “I’m proud of you, kid. You did good.”

Brooke smiled and put her hand on top of Katya’s. “Thank you, mama.”

----------

A’keria shook her head in disbelief. “I can’t believe you went and invited Brooke Lynn down to Tampa. You ain’t even ask me down there yet. What the fuck?” she clicked her tongue as she wiped down the counter.

In the aftermath of the bribery and the subsequent mass walkout, the owner of a pointedly LGBTQ+ local café offered a position to A’keria, as she was the leader of it. On top of that, the pay was much better than what she would get at minimum wage in a popular coffee chain. “You just lucky I’m working here over break, Vanjie,” she added.

“Hey, this place is real nice. Got the right vibe and everything,” Vanessa chuckled. “But for real, listen, it’s…different with her, I don’t know. It’s like, I can’t stand the thought of being away from her for that long, going the whole break without her would fucking suck,” she looked down with a softer grin. “I know it’s corny as hell, but I love her. I really do.”

Looking at how happy her friend was, A’keria couldn’t stay bitter about it. “I better be your maid of honor, bitch.”

Vanessa leaned over the counter to hug her. “You know you will,” she looked at her phone and sighed. “Ima head out, go over to her place and stay there til I gotta catch my flight,” she explained, zipping her coat up. She waved as she left before shoving her hands into her pockets.

Normally, walking to Brooke Lynn’s apartment filled her with anticipation and excitement. Knowing she was about to spend time with her never failed to make her happy, something her friends would always tease her about. But this walk felt melancholic. It was the last walk she was taking there for the semester, the official signifier of the end of that chapter in their lives. She wasn’t ready for that, nor was she sure she ever could be.

Brooke Lynn had been staring out the window, waiting for Vanessa. She ran downstairs to greet her, hugging her tightly. “Hey, baby,” she greeted softly. “How long do I have you before you go?” Vanessa sighed, reluctantly pulling from Brooke to check her time. “I gotta call for an Uber in like, five minutes. I only have enough time to go grab my luggage,” she explained, going back inside with her to grab her things and bringing them back out to the sidewalk. They didn’t speak much, just holding hands tightly until the order had to be placed.

“Oh, I hate goodbyes,” Brooke finally said with a pout. The uber was rounding the corner, they had run out of ways to delay the inevitable. “I’m gonna miss you so much,” she kissed her for what could have been the hundredth time in the past ten minutes. “Promise me you’ll call as soon as you get home, okay?” she insisted, cupping her face and stroking her thumb across her cheek.

Vanessa giggled wetly, just enough to choke back tears. “It’s only a month,” she reminded both of them. “January nineteenth I got you all to myself again,” she assured. “I’ll call you, I promise,” the Uber driver honked the horn lightly. “I better get going. I’ll talk to you real soon. I love you.”

With one more kiss for the road, Brooke Lynn grudgingly let Vanessa go. “I love you too,” she replied and helped her load up the car. Even when she stepped back and the car pulled away, she stood on the sidewalk and watched it, staying in place until it left her field of vision.

The walk back inside felt colder, the wind felt harsher, and even escaping into her heated apartment didn’t take away the icy stinging that followed her. She hung up her coat and walked into the living room, a weak smile finding its way onto her lips.

Stacked in the corner of the room were multiple boxes of Vanessa’s things, left with the intention of her moving in for the next semester. With the apartment locked up for the winter, they could start the spring together as soon as they returned.

----------

“Flight 287 to Tampa International Airport is now boarding at gate fifteen. Once again, flight 287 to Tampa International Airport is now boarding at gate fifteen.”

Brooke Lynn looked down at her boarding pass – flight 287. This was it, the last moment she had alone before she would make the thirteen hundred-mile, three-hour flight down to Florida. She bet Vanessa was already preparing for her arrival, begging her family not to embarrass her. She bet she spent time convincing her mom to let them share Vanessa’s room and ignoring her siblings teasing her for it.

Deep breath. Go to the gate. For a moment, she wondered what would happen if she changed her mind – took the last chance she had to leave her first and most serious relationship. She would be lying if she said she hadn’t been scared, hadn’t spent days of the past month questioning everything that had happened, wondering if it was too good to be true.

But then she looked at her phone, at the lockscreen of the two of them. Brooke walked confidently to the gate and onto the plane. She had no desire to run away, something that surprised everyone back home, and even herself. She, no, they could do this – they could handle whatever happened next. Because that was what love is all about, isn’t it? Someone to hold your hand when you’re standing at a crossroad.

Or, throwing herself into your arms when you arrive in her hometown. It was about that embrace, that warmth, the satisfaction of longing coming to an end. Love was all about whatever they had, and whatever was coming next.

[catcomixzstudios]

How To Life Chapter 49

How To Avoid Being An Asshole

- NEVER create a religion out of these guiding beliefs, and ESPECIALLY NEVER create a religion out of these guiding beliefs where you spread the message by killing, harming, and/or prosecuting others who do not share your beliefs. Religions, in theory, generally seek to do good in the world. I respect that. However, almost all religions (or even just groups of people) will usually develop at least a sub-sect of individuals who spread messages of goodwill towards others by violently attacking them. It’s vain of me to assume someone would try to make a religion out of these ideals, but just in case, I’d like to clearly state that I do NOT want that to happen. That person is doing something I don’t approve of. If these guiding beliefs help you, that’s awesome, but I don’t want it to be any more than that. If you ever have to cause harm to someone else to try and spread a message, that to me says that either your message is shit, or at least you yourself are a piece of shit.

- Don’t kill, harm, or threaten people, animals, etc if you don’t have to. This is a very tough thing to fully elaborate on. I firmly believe that most situations can be resolved without the use of violence. But if someone is trying to stab you, I don’t think it’s bad to try and defend yourself. To me, violence is always and absolutely the last option and NEVER something you should start. If others have hurt you, acting on their level isn’t how you beat them. Be better than them. Actions taken on a violent impulse tend to have drastic consequences. Obviously I can’t speak to every single possible scenario, but you should seek to avoid causing others physical or mental harm whenever possible. A vast majority of people will likely not be trying to kill or hurt you. As a matter of respect, you should do the same for others.

- Don’t be a dick to people. You don’t have to be friends with everyone you meet to offer even the most basic levels of respect. If someone helps or just offers to help, be thankful. If someone disagrees with you, you don’t have to be an asshole about it. If someone’s a dick to you, dwelling on it is only going to get you to act that way as well. Not every day is a good day, of course, but trying to make other people’s lives worse because of your issues isn’t helping anyone. You have to take a stand at times, of course, but try to pick your battles wisely. Some dicks are going to be dicks no matter what you do, and just aren’t worth the time or brain-space. We have to live together, so the least we can do is go about our business without pissing each other off when we can.

- Don’t rape or molest others. No one owes you sex, no matter who they are or what you’ve done for them. You don’t owe anyone else sex, no matter who they are or what they’ve done for you. Your body is your own, and everyone else’s bodies are their own. Forcing or trying to coerce someone into sex they aren’t interested in is one of the most shitty things you can do to another person. Listen to people. If you pay even the slightest bit of attention, they will give you cues on how comfortable they are. If you choose to ignore these and force someone into that situation anyway, then I absolutely hope the most horrible things possible happen to you.

- Never own another human being. Slavery is great if you’re a slave owner. Lots of free labor done by people you get to mistreat with no repercussions. If the tables were turned however, I don’t think you’d be so happy to get up in the morning. I hope it becomes REALLY obvious that forcing or coercing people into shitty situations is a shitty thing to do. No sentient species should be subservient to their own people. No one should live a life feeling like they can never escape.

- Don’t use drugs or other things that can have a negative impact on yourself and others. With things like alcohol, use it responsibly. The medical field has made great strides with drugs that can help treat diseases and increase our chances of survival. Crystal meth is not one of those drugs. Hardcore drugs like that will fuck your body up something fierce, and the “benefits” are not worth it. Unless you enjoy staying up for several days straight and feeling like invisible spiders are crawling all over you. On the other hand, there are things like marijuana and alcohol. While I don’t use them myself, if used responsibly, I don’t think there are any problems with things like that. Those can be just as (if not more) problematic than the hardcore drugs if handled poorly, however.  

- Don’t steal from others. Would you be happy if your most prized possession was stolen from you? I’d wager not. Respect people’s property. If people have bought or made something, taking it from them is a dick move. There certainly will be cases where a person might have to steal to survive, but there’s a big difference between that and taking your neighbor’s sweet new laptop because you hate your current one.

- Don’t break or damage people’s stuff. Pretty much the same idea as stealing, while also remembering that destroying something of someone else’s is an asshole thing to do as well. If someone stealing your stuff makes you unhappy, just imagine how you’ll feel if it turns out they broke it instead?

- Don’t lie whenever possible. Spreading lies, mistruths, or withholding important information can and often will make situations worse. Technically, telling the truth in some cases may do that as well, but I’d personally rather learn to accept truths then become more comfortable with lies. Like with most things, there are levels of lying; saying you’re having a good day rather than a mediocre one isn’t on the same level as blaming someone else for a theft you committed. It’s absolutely good to tell the truth in most cases, but I will begrudgingly admit that sometimes you might have to lie to keep the peace. Just understand that lies built on lies may eventually be revealed as being just that, and the fallout for it will be much worse.

- Avoid holding grudges. Do the best you can to hang onto the positivity in life. I firmly believe that most people are generally good, though it might not always show. We can be distrusting and rude to one another, but at least part of that comes from a fear of the unknown. There might be some individuals that you come to know that hurt you, but I promise there will be others who want to help you. Focus on those that want to help you and who make your life better. I’m not asking you to completely forgive those that have wronged you; you owe them nothing. But once you can get them out of your life, don’t let your anger towards them continue to pull you back in. Doing so only serves to hurt your more.

- Try not to get too worked up over little things. In the day to day, lots of small annoyances will come and go. If you choose to hold onto them and let them keep breaking you down, it will make things worse. Acknowledge them, of course. Don’t pretend that bad things have never happened. Yet find time to consider how important some of these things might be. Consider what situations are things you won’t ever have to worry about a few years down the line, let alone even for tomorrow.

- Don’t fear those that are different from yourself. Things that you don’t know or fully understand can be intimidating. Some people react by dismissing these things. Some react by showing overt aggression. Most of the time, however, those that are different from yourself simply live their lives in a different way (usually one that doesn’t negatively impact you). There will certainly be individuals that seek to harm you for aspects of your being that you may or may not have control over, but spreading more of that behavior around never serves to make things better; it just validates fear. Try to look with fresh eyes to people that live differently but mean no harm. To me, it’s the differences between individuals that make life interesting and help us grow.

- (Generally) avoid absolutes. Very few matters in life are purely black and white matters of good and evil. It’s easy to fall into the trap of believing that one certain thing is always good or bad, but keep in mind that all groups are made up of individuals. Many things we get angry about are merely tools, and while some might absolutely be misused, it is the singular cases we should focus on. This isn’t always possible or practical, of course, but deciding that any thing or person is ultimately one way or another without much evidence can be dangerous. Carefully put pieces of evidence together and draw your own conclusions.

- Try to avoid frustration from perceived ignorance. Or to put it another way, remember that not everyone has the knowledge and/or the experience that you do. We’ve all lived different lives and had different experiences. Some of us have obtained much more knowledge of a particular topic over time, and keeping in mind that most others haven’t had the same opportunity will help you avoid some minor frustrations. Remembering that for yourself when learning from others will also help.

- Never get a tattoo of a romantic partner’s name. Look I know you might really love the person you’re with right now. But I swear, like the day after you get that tattoo of that person’s name, you’ll totally have some big fight or something and possibly even break up right there. Then you’re gonna be stuck with a tattoo of your exe’s name and you’ll have to go through a whole big process to either cover it up or get rid of it. Tattoos can be pretty awesome, mind you, but just be absolutely sure it’s something you won’t regret to have on your body like 50 years from now.

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[whydoyouhaterapevictims]

On recent events

I’ve spoken to some people about Carmen’s recent actions and, although being a target of her has been incredibly draining and terrible for my health (both mental and physical!), I wanted to say some things about the way she’s escalated her language and the claims that she’s making lately.

It has not escaped my notice that since I abandoned my more public blog and stopped writing things explicitly for wider distribution about abuse and sexual violence, I have not been a major target of Carmen’s, but that since I did these things, she has ramped up her harassment of people who associate with me (catandkitty and clownyprincess, among others) significantly. I do not think this is a coincidence. 

It has also not escaped my notice that regarding catandkitty, Carmen has basically constructed a new version of events to justify her continued harassment, which she outlines here:

she entered a discussion between ace survivors about how they were raped by partners who guilted them into sex, and catandkitty entered the conversation to remind everyone present that withholding sex is abusive.

like.

that is *not* the context in which you say that.

the only reason someone would say that to a group of rape-by-coercion survivors is if they were attempting to defend the rapes being discussed.

and guess what?

making posts about torturously abusive partners who abuse by denying sex, and then tagging it “ace” when the post didn’t mention aces at all?

shows that you’re trying to associate violent abusers and rapists who deny sex to abuse, with asexuals who are sex repulsed.

it is an attempt to paint asexuals being sex repulsed as an act of abuse, which works as an AMAZING justification for pressuring asexuals into sex (you’re abusing me if you don’t consent!).

IE, it’s a defense of rape.

like. all you people can do is call me a liar, call me disgusting.

but you can never prove i’m wrong. lmao

Well, okay, allow me to prove that you’re wrong.

First of all, I’ve already addressed the idea that catandkitty (and myself, at my old blog missvoltairine) “entered into” the “chronological middle” of a discussion that was specifically about asexual peoples’ experiences of sexual violence. It’s not true. The conversation that sparked our responses took place over several days and across multiple threads. The crux of the discussion was not “is it okay to rape an asexual person”, but rather, “when and how is it okay to talk about issues of sexual compatibility in relationships?”. Multiple people took a stance that expressing any kind of dissatisfaction with your sex life with your partner was, essentially, rape by coercion, and multiple other people, including myself and catandkitty, spoke up in response to THAT specific idea by pointing out that a rapist could just as easily manipulate someone being unable to express sexual dissatisfaction in a relationship as they could manipulate someone with the idea that they were somehow “owed” sex. We both illustrated this point with personal anecdotes from our own separate abuse histories. 

So the claim that catandkitty was responding, specifically and directly, to several other rape survivors talking about their own abuse, in order to "defend” the sexual violence they had experienced, is a lie. Catandkitty and myself were both responding to a set of ideas that we were seeing repeated in a number of different places. We both made original posts on the subject, instead of reblogging a specific discussion chain, for this reason. Neither of us commented on anyone else’s sexual abuse. Both of us very clearly only discussed our OWN abuse, and the tactics our abusers used.

Catandkitty’s own post on the subject is what Carmen references constantly, now claiming that it was tagged “aces” and “asexual” in an attempt to frame asexual people as inherently sexually abusive. This is an outright lie - the initial post, found here, is tagged with some additional commentary:

#please take explicit notice that this expressly includes sex-repulsed people #the term human need does not in any way harm you #it also doesn't assume you want any particular activity! #you're all about as smart as rocks it's incredible

Catandkitty later reblogged her own initial post to add clarifying details about where she was coming from, specifically - this is where she talks about her own abuse, and the phrase “withholding sex” first comes up (which was initially what a lot of people took issue with, and has now been reframed, as in Carmen’s post above, as “saying no to sex” - this may seem like an academic distinction but “withholding sex” is a phrase used in advocacy circles - it’s in Why Does He Do That?, I learned about it doing anti-rape advocacy work - to describe a specific phenomenon of abusers repeatedly shutting down and shaming any expression of sexual desire or agency in their victim, and then leveraging that later when coercing them into sex they don’t actually want; “saying no to sex” has very different connotations and was not coined in the same way/with the same intentions, and as such it evokes a very different dynamic). You’ll notice that this post is ALSO not tagged with “aces” or “asexual”! It is tagged with the usernames of two people - one of whom accused catandkitty of being a rapist directly, and another of whom was a minor whose blog became the epicenter of a series of people making claims along the lines of “any ultimatum in a relationship is abusive”. (The latter blog, certifiedacehet, has since been deleted and that content was purged, but I have linked to asexualnataliaromanova’s claims about catandkitty before, I believe they’re still up.) It is also tagged “ace tumblr” and “ace discourse”, which, I mean, you could argue implicated all asexuals, but you’d be very obviously wrong. These are tags that are consistently used for discourse, and it’s clear that that is why catandkitty used them.

So the statement that catandkitty tagged a post about her rapist with “ace” and “asexual” is also a lie. This just literally never happened.

I’m disturbed by this dishonesty on a few levels. Ultimately, I think the false claim that catandkitty speaking about her abuse was and is incompatible with the idea that asexual people have also experienced rape imposes a hierarchy of sexual violence where in order for one survivors’ experience to be believed and respected, it is understood that another survivors’ experience must be denigrated, weaponized, and (explicitly or implicitly) positioned as false. This is cruel, dishonest, and dangerous. A non-asexual person talking about their experience of rape is NOT an attack on the idea that sexual violence against asexual people is unacceptable. It never was. Not from me, and not from catandkitty. However, this framing also is pretty notable in how it is completely exclusive of the possibility that an asexual person could ever be abusive! The very idea that an asexual person could be abusive to a partner is consistently positioned as an attack on all asexuals - even when no one in the original conversation went there in any capacity at all. 

I find this difficult because one of my abusers was asexual. This is not a detail I wish to elaborate on, and I want to be very clear that I’m not bringing it up as proof that asexuals are inherently abusive. Abusers can be anyone! They can be members of literally any group. The idea that a specific identity precludes everyone within that identity from being abusive serves abusers and silences their victims. Taking the abuse history of someone like catandkitty and claiming that she’s wrong for discussing it at all because of how it reflects on asexuals - when her abuser was not asexual and she never said he was! - is an incredibly shitty way of perpetuating this idea. No survivor should be pressured to stay silent about their experiences for the sake of “the cause”. Not only is this terrible for survivors, it is terrible for movements, as it enables abuse and its destructive effects within specific groups. 

To spread that idea through blatant lies... is so damaging, to ALL survivors, that I can’t not say anything about it.

[amuelle]

Hooking up etiquette 101 – The rules to happy hook ups according to Ms Elle

Look, we are all grown. Not every man you meet will be the one to change your life and love you like Lil Wayne loved his syszurp. Don’t close the door on that but in the meantime don’t cheat yourself out of a good time. Love will find you if you love you….(that’s totally another blog). DO YOUR DUE DILIGENCE, don’t be out in these streets risking it all for with people who look, sound and smell dangerous. Don’t just sling it to sling. Make sure you are SAFE before you ever engage with anyone…EVER!!!That said, I did some extensive soul searching and like Maya Angelou said ‘we are at our best when we are teachers’ so here are my 7 golden rules to hooking up. No animals were hurt in the production of this post except the ones that deserved it….

1.       Be honest about your intentions.

From the get go when you meet any one the energy is established. Nine times out of ten you know what you are open to and what you won’t entertain. So, just be honest. If someone approaches you and is trying to cut for the night and you aren’t interested, say just that. If you wanna have some fun with someone for a few weeks but still don’t want a relationship, say it! If you are cheating on your significant other…Good God, JUST SAY IT!!!! Don’t suck someone into you increasing your bad karma unknowingly. JUST SAY SO!!! Everything for everyone will be better if all the pertinent details are available from the beginning. I don’t condone cheating but we live in ratchet times... If you are trolling the streets looking to betray someone you might find someone who is willing to help whom you don’t have to pay or risk going to jail for solicitation with. But don’t withhold this information from someone who isn’t built like that. You will affect your stats. Just keep it simple and be honest with your intentions.

 2.       Believe everything and nothing all at the same time…

WHAT??? Exactly that! Believe everything and nothing at the same time. You are hooking up with this person. They may embellish how they are living or who they are. Don’t start picking apart their stories or tearing down their hook up facade just because the details seem a little sketchy. You are having a tryst….enjoy it. Go with the flow, just enjoy the experience for what it is. You also have every opportunity to embellish your stories and vamp up your personality. It’s a game of pretend for a few hours of your life. Stop trying so hard to be an adult and let things be. Even if you find out the other person lied…what are you gonna do about it? Unless they lie about their status (and I honestly believe post the age of 20 you carry condoms and don’t play in the rain because HIV is REAL and is KILLING people), you really really shouldn’t take it too personal. Hook ups LIE! They lie about liking you, they lie about seeing you from across the room and being instantly attracted to you, they lie about not doing “this” often…they LIE!!!! Enjoy the lies for a few hours because things might go left and you may ghost this person or let it fizzle out so don’t be so serious. Let loose but not too loose.  

 3.       Don’t romanticize it!

So after some drinks or chatting on social media you are finally with your thirst trap but hold up….and I mean WAIT!!!!!! Don’t let the butterflies in your stomach and the movie-ish feel of the situation fool you into believing that this could be or will be anything more. Don’t romanticize this experience. It’s rare that you meet someone on the fly and they turn out to be someone to build a  future with. I’m not saying its impossible but I am saying its unlikely. You might get lucky but if you don’t, don’t say I didn’t tell you so. It’s a transaction, so make sure you get what you went there for. Make sure you are satisfied enough to leave things the way they were before you met. The person you are sharing the experience with might be an out of town shooter with no desire to call you back all you can do is be nice after because desperate is NEVER cute. The only thing that will make you think you have met the love of your life is if the sex is good and you allow yourself to romanticize it and believe things aren’t the way they are. You met a stranger who you shared a common interest in busting a nut…..LEAVE IT THERE. Don’t start looking through their insta and facebook trying to figure them out or formulating strategies how to trap them. You know if the chemistry was right enough for you to even think you will see this person ever again in your life….don’t romanticize it!!! Reserve your thoughts of your wedding and what your kids are gonna look like for someone who offers you everything you deserve.

 4.       Do go back if it was bad!!!!!

I’ve noticed that some people feel like it’s acceptable to give a sub par performance when they are hooking up because they think “its just a hook up, I don’t have to impress”…….if you think this way, you are WRONG!!!! Listen, it’s a game and you have to win or at least make sure the other person doesn’t have terrible memories for you. You never know where this person is going to go, who they know and if you will ever meet them again in life. The best thing you can do for yourself is make sure they remember you well. That said if you are terribly selfish and do actually suck in bed you don’t deserve seconds. LADIES AND GENTLEMEN…I can’t say this enough. If someone doesn’t hit your spots, rock your boat and generally wear you OUT they don’t deserve seconds, good night texts or I arrived home safe texts neither. They deserve nothing. Let me reiterate that in caps: A BAD LAY DESERVES NOTHING! Now this isn’t an excuse to run and tell the world that this person is lacking in the bed room because they owe you nothing. It’s just good manners to make sure you aren’t too drunk, stay up until the other person leaves and make sure the other person has a good experience. It’s also good manners to dip if you didn’t have a great time….dip and never resurface alluding to ever hooking up….just dip and stay dipped. You are essentially punishing yourself with a recurring nightmare of bad sex with someone you owe nothing and isn’t loyal to you. Don’t play yourself! You deserve to enjoy yourself every single time you get naked. Whether it’s with another person, by yourself or to get in the shower….naked time should be happy time….ALWAYS.

 5.       Be nice about it….ghosting someone is not sexy

I get it. Sometimes you just aren’t interested and telling someone you just aren’t in to them isn’t the easiest thing to do. BUT, simply ghosting someone is unacceptable. If you are old enough to strip down and use parts that grow hair for a good time, you have the emotional intelligence to be honest about your interest in a person. You are an adult and unless you were busy selling dreams of yachts and vacations in Greece, then telling someone where your limits won’t ruin your life. You may need to not reply to texts because some people are “persistent” and for them the experience you give them might be mind blowing and for you…not so much. It’s not really your problem but you have to keep your account with karma in check. Be nice, but if you have had enough then that’s that. Just don’t make the mistake of doing someone dirty and then decide to go back when you’re thirsty. You have every opportunity to shelve this person for future encounters and if you want that then engage with them and keep the communication lines open. HOWEVER (notice that is in caps) if are done don’t use another persons interest in you to boost your ego and act like they are hounding you and you don’t want to engage. You know how you got there and pretending you didn’t sell dreams would make you everything that’s wrong with the world and on top of that you will be one of those people who don’t deserve nice things…AT ALL!!!! I feel like this point has been made. Be decent, don’t ghost people and communicate your level of interest honestly.

 6.       Talk about the logistics

DON’T LEAVE THIS TO THE LAST MINUET!!!! Are you going to his place or you are going to hers? Unless it’s a steamy hook up in a parking lot, bathroom stall or in an empty room at a house party you need to know how you are getting home. I have found myself in situations where I just thought “why are you still here….we are done here. I need to clean and cook and go back to living my life” or “I seriously need to DIP! I can’t be here this long. I have a life and he might want me gone too”…..I’m sure we are on the same page now. Don’t over stay your welcome by leaving the “how you are getting home conversation” till the last minute. You will find yourself stuck and that’s never cute. My personal preference is always to invite someone over. I don’t have an issue with someone staying over long as they want because whether you are there or not, my life will go on…(cue Titanic music[TM7] ). But if I’m over at your place I ALWAYS have money for an uber, cab or we have made an agreement for my return. I hate being stuck. I find it hard to ask people for things so I like to have things HANDLED!!! Take this piece of advice, have a plan to get in and out and stick to it! No one likes it when a guest over stays their welcome.

 7.       Don’t forget the original agreement….it doesn’t change!

I know for women sometimes we let ourselves believe that a hook up can be more than a once off…..ITS NOT LIKE THAT AT ALL!!! My favorite lover of ALL time once said to me “stick to the original agreement. If a man wants you, he will pursue you whole heatedly. The same way if all he wanted was sex. The original agreement doesn’t change for a man. Do yourself a favor and don’t forget the original agreement. Stick to the original agreement.”

Ladies are more open to letting something grow but most men are not interested. It is RARE they will call you after for dinner and a movie so just accept that the initial agreement still stands. Unless you have a confusing situation where you doubt the validity of that agreement. That said TRUST ME, it will be a crushing blow to your ego if you are wrong about it. And if you ask the wrong way that’s even worse… You don’t need to be forceful about it. Express that you would be interested in more but don’t press it. This person doesn’t owe you anything and guilt and trapping someone in a situation never works out well. Trust me, bring it up EARLY but be prepared for the worst because these hoes have never been loyal!

Remember to use condoms….Merry xxxmas!!!!

[hanzi83]

The Real Birthday Blog

So it’s another year that has gone by. The last several birthdays that have passed by, which have never been strong since my inception, there has always been horrible birthdays for me, whether it is just people not making a big deal, or arguments breaking out, leading to months of awkwardness and tension consistently building. I have already done a periscope, but I figured since I wrote a blog yesterday, then deleted it, and I don’t know why I do that, because anything I have written or thought about, they are fully aware of it. I can’t be too much of a wildcard for these people, because they can’t afford to have my thoughts wandering, without them keeping a careful eye out on it, and again this could be true, but there are no facts to pass it up, so just assume this is just some delusional theory I have concocted from out of nowhere.

I hate this time of the year, and if the curse of my birthday being shitty every year wasn’t enough, I am currently in a position where it is extremely difficult to out maneuver these loops they keep throwing me and I constantly feel like nothing will be resolved, and the fear of the future and what has transpired behind my back, mixed with the potential of people I know who will try to politic their way in my life and I feel have never forgive me for whatever I have said or done. I would much rather not be here to see all of this take place, and if I am completely off the mark, then what is the point of being here? I am not being malicious? If there are secrets that exist in my world, and I constantly have to act sane and not lose my temper, because they are waiting for that so they can use my mental illness against me.

It has come clear that I am not important to some people anymore. It is mostly my fault, but the distance has driven me further down the depression and now realizing the elite association that people in my life have and I have been reduced to be being a discredited loser in his mothers basement and because part of that is by design and the other part is this self defeated mentality, I have to deal with what is presented and what is presented has made me seem like a delusional piece of shit who is extremely narcissistic and egotistical because he thinks the world owes him something, and don’t buy into the industry type who spew out how the worlds owes no one anything, and then you are told to be a man. It sounds simple of enough, while they withhold the hidden rules that they claim doesn’t exist, and they use it as a way to push down mentally ill people who have to cope with the sad reality that this world is.

I only ask for death for my birthday present. Nothing malicious, just a simple send off. I know I will not get that wish met, but it would be so much easier on people I know. They can live openly and honestly and not worry about my childish tantrums, and if they system was ever to give me power to accumulate at the end of all this, it could go amongst them, because you know that if I have power, I will be forced to do the same things that the older generation have done to keep the power, and I am not sure I could be that person, while also realizing that the more power you have, the more it is likely you will be that person. It scares me. I am scared to try and succeed.

I don’t know what anyone’s agenda is. I can write these thought out blogs, but the stuff these trolls, who claim they are fans of mine, will focus on the extremely negative and lie about what my social platforms entail. It really makes me sad that these people could be known, paid or maybe they just locally know me, and the fact they would partake in this behavior makes me question what is the point. You can just fucking end me. I am sick of having one good night for a year and then being put back in the basement. I know this will never end, because it is too fun for the ones who hold the power over my head and pretend it is just a normal life we live.

I will always be bitter and insecure and will always be haunted by the mental torture that has been bestowed upon me, and what is scary about it, is that it comes in such a subtle form where it makes people look like they are the sole problem, and not that there is a system in place to fuck with these people, then you wonder why so many people out there have problems and are blamed for things they never even did. There is never real justice. I am too scared to go out and do anything. I am not worthy enough to be here. It is becoming clear as each birthday passes. I thought I could enjoy this “fame” things for my 20’s and early 30’s and now I am 34, and even though people think its still fairly young, I still feel like I am 50, and I feel like it will never go back to being at a satisfactory level. I will constantly haunted by these memories, and the envisioning of how this all plays out, and the potential political moves behind the scene. Why even be here to find out how this plays out? Just give the people who want it all, everything and guess what we don’t have to ever talk about it.

They have teased me over the course of the last several years about getting to know the answers, and me having to make changes, and I obliged, but not enough to the point where the next phase in their plan has stepped up and it is like they are testing my irrational behavior and making a mark mentally to make lose my temper. They capitalize on my anger, and due to me being an attention seeker, I give in because it has been difficult, when you were on one of the biggest radio shows ever and now I am ranting on periscope about sex cults and politics within social circles and industries that exist.

Every year I put on a tough exterior and say I don’t care about my birthday, but the truth is I do, but I am smart enough to be aware that nothing will ever be done to make it a good day, because I have been set in my own ways and pushed everyone away, and now I am afraid of knowing what the reality in what is going on, and who is associated with who, and it has made me just sit in my basement regretting everything that has taken place. I waste my creative energy on these blogs, but I need to get these thoughts out. It feels like I will never be able to shake this trauma, and as far as I can tell, they have plans to continue this. I think their goal is to try to get me to snap. I just want to sit back and cry to myself like the pussy I am, because you can’t be emotional, and it is considered being a sad sack all the time, but guess what that is the reality of mental illness.

I know a lot of these trolls would rather troll with their negative behavior to make themselves feel good, than actually deal with their real emotions and how they are even more miserable than me, even with the perks they are awarded, or the benefits they reap, but they will constantly come towards me to make me feel less than, when I am better than most of these people, if they need to constantly harass me or make me feel like shit just to test my mental stability. It is tiresome. I wish I could leave. It will never get better.

Look at how I am spending my birthday, I am writing a fucking blog. This is probably where the summer for me peaks, I know it doesn’t beat private gatherings, perks to go to concerts and sporting events. I get it, I am living a pathetic life, I am getting high off the likes on face book and likes on my social media platforms, and those well wishes. It is sad that is what is considered a highlight in my existence. I know it seems pathetic to put it all out there, but I am willing to be vulnerable and I can do it on the surface, because anyone who tries to make it seem like a horrible thing, and I admit it isn’t a favorable thing at times for my image, but what image is there really? So it is easy for people to judge someone like me for speaking my mind, and being irrational and analyzed the thought patterns, while you sit behind anonymous accounts and chastising people about safe spaces. It angers the fuck out of me. I guess that is the point.

I don’t know what this blog accomplishes, but like the many that came before it, it will probably make matters worse, no one likes when I rationalize myself, even if you don’t believe me or buy into anything I type, you at least know I come from a genuine place. I know I will never have vindication, and I know they will continue with these tactics. It makes it even worse to know that without any remorse they will continue these actions. I have been fucked with this technology and have been addicted to all of it because you have to know what is going on and what the latest trend is, even though I don’t follow trends completely. I have dated clothes, I don’t know what money I should have access to, I don’t know the overall plans of what will happen. I know the common misconception that seemingly everyone doesn’t know what will happen, but I don’t believe that, because I think if you are an enlightened one, you have some idea where to go, and what to do, and when to prepare for your demise. It is just me. and there is no proof to all of this officially.

Anyways, thanks to the ones who wished me happy birthday. It sounds sad and pathetic, but those are probably the highlight of my birthday because I am so alone and can’t trust anyone ever again because I have been screwed over too many times, and it will keep continuing. So as much as  I never wanted this to be my outcome of life, I have to deal with it, and that people in your life will constantly lie, whether its for my protection or for their own agenda. It hurts and it will continue to hurt, but these people at the top thrive on it and they love people suffering in agony, because they can manipulate them and no one will believe a fucking word.

Enjoy the perks, enjoy everything you got. I will try to enjoy my birthday but quite frankly I will just escape to my alternative reality in the form of a dream and its extremely pathetic I concocted a theory that my dreams are where things take place, but we are told a limited story because they are afraid to tell us how powerful our minds are. So that is what I have. It will always sit on my conscience. I am forever haunted. I think I have to accept it. No one really gives a fuck about me, or at least it feels that way.