#there's no reason to support him unless you just straight up hate homeless people. like he's not even competent or personable

[coquelicoq]

wow. they weren't lying that 19 portland mayoral candidates sure can underwhelming

[johnrossbowie]

LEAVING TWITTER

I wrote this earlier in the fall, before the election, after dissolving my Twitter account. I wasn’t sure where to put it (“try up your ass!” – someone, I’m sure) and then I remembered I have a tumblr I never use. Anyway, here tis.

How do you shame someone who thinks Trumps’ half-baked policies and quarter-baked messaging put him in the pantheon of great Presidents? How do you shame someone so lacking in introspection that they will call Obama arrogant while praising Trump’s decisiveness and yet at the same time vehemently deny that they’re racist? How do you shame someone for whom that racism is endearing and maybe long overdue?

You don’t. It’s silly to think otherwise.

Twitter is an addiction of mine, and true to form, my dependence on it grew more serious after I quit drinking in 2010. At first it was a chance to mouth off, make jokes both stupid and erudite and occasionally stick my foot in my mouth (I owe New Yorker writer Tad Friend an apology. He knows why, or (God willing) he’s forgotten. Either way. Sorry.) I blew off steam, steam that was accumulating without booze to dampen the flames. Not always constructive venting, but I also met new friends, and connected with people whose work I’ve admired for literal decades and ended up seeing plays with Lin-Manuel Miranda and hanging backstage with Jane Wiedlin after a Go-Go’s show and exchanging sober thoughts with Mike Doughty. When my mom passed in 2018, a lot of people reached out to tell me they were thinking of me. This was nice. For a while, Twitter was a huge help when I needed it.

I used to hate going to parties and really hated dancing and mingling, but a couple of drinks would fix that. Point is, for a while, booze was a huge help, too.

But my engagement with Twitter changed, and I started calling people my ‘friends’ even though I’d never once met them or even heard their voices. These weren’t even penpals, these were people whose jokes or stances I enjoyed, so with Arthurian benevolence I clicked on a little heart icon, liked their tweet, and assumed therefore that we had signed some sort of blood oath.

We had not. I got glib, and cheap, and a little lazy. And then to make matters much worse, Trump came along and extended his reach with the medium.

There was a while there where I thought I could be a sort of voice for the voiceless, and I thought I was doing that. I tried very hard to only contribute things that I felt were not being said – It wasn’t accomplishing anything to notice “Haha Trump looks like he’s bullshitting his way through an oral report” – such things were self-evident. I tried to point out very specific inconsistencies in his policies, like the Muslim ban meant to curb terrorism that still favored the country that brought forth 13 of the 9/11 hijackers. Like his full-throated cries against media bias performed while he suckled at Roger Ailes’ wrinkly teat.  Like his fondness for evangelical votes that coincided with a scriptural knowledge that lagged far behind mine, even though I’m a lapsed Episcopalian, and there is no one less religiously observant than a lapsed Episcopalian. But that eventually gave way to unleashing ad hominem attacks against his higher profile supporters, who I felt weren’t being questioned enough, who I felt were in turn being fawned over by theirdim supporters. If you’re one of these guys, and you think I’m talking about you, you’re probably right, but don’t mistake this for an apology. You suck, and you support someone who sucks, and your idolatry is hurting our country and its standing in the world. Fuck you entirely, but that’s not the point. The point is that me screaming into the toilet of Twitter helps no one – it doesn’t help a family stuck at the border because they’re trying to secure a better life for their kids. It doesn’t help a poor teenager who can’t get an abortion because the party of ‘small government’ has squeezed their tiny jurisdiction into her uterus. It doesn’t help the coal miner who’s staking all his hopes on a dying industry and a President’s empty promises to resurrect it. I was born in New York City, and I currently live in Los Angeles. Those are the only two places I’ve ever lived, if you don’t count the 4 years I spent in Ithaca[1]. So, yes, I live in a liberal bubble, and while I’ve driven across the country a couple of times and did a few weeks in a touring band and am as crushed as any heartlander about the demise of Waffle House, you have me dead to rights if you call me a coastal elitist. And with that in mind, I offer few surprises. A guy who grew up in the theater district and was vehemently opposed to same-sex marriage or felt you should own an AR-15? THAT would be newsworthy. I am not newsworthy. I can preach to the choir, I can confirm people’s biases, but I will likely not sway anyone who is eager to dismiss a Native New Yorker who lives in Hollywood. I grew up in the New York of the 1970s, and that part of my identity did shape my politics. My mom’s boss was gay and the Son of Sam posed a realistic threat. As such, gays are job creators[2] and guns are used for homicide much more often than they are used for self-defense[3]. I have found this to be generally true over the years, and there’s even data to back it up.

“But Mr. Bowie,” you might say, though I insist you call me John - “those studies are conducted by elitist institutions and those institutions suck!” And again, I am not going to reason with people who will dismiss anything that doesn’t fit their limited world view as elitist or, God Help Us, fake news. But the studies above are peer-reviewed, convincing, and there are more where those came from.

“But John,” you might say, and I am soothed that we’re one a first name basis - “Can’t you just stay on Twitter for the jokes?” Ugh. A) apparently not and B) the jokes are few and far between, and I am 100% part of that problem.

I have stuff to offer, but Twitter is not the place from which to offer it.

After years of academically understanding that Twitter is not the real world, Super Tuesday 2020 made the abstract pretty fucking concrete. If you had looked at my feed on the Monday beforehand – my feed which is admittedly curated towards the left, but not monolithic (Hi, Rich Lowry!) – you’d have felt that a solid Bernie surge was imminent, but also that your candidate was going surprise her more vocal critics. When the Biden sweep swept, when Bernie was diminished and when Warren was defeated, I realized that Twitter is not only not the real world, it’s almost some sort of Phillip K. Dickian alternate timeline, untethered to anything we’re actually experiencing in our day to day life. This is both good news and bad news – one, we’re not heading towards a utopia of single payer health care and the eradication of American medical debt any time soon, but two, we’re also not being increasingly governed by diaper-clad jungen like Charlie Kirk. Clouds and their linings. Leaving Twitter may look like ceding ground to the assclowns but get this – the ground. Is not. There.

It’s just air.

There are tangible things I can do with my time - volunteer with a local organization called Food On Foot, who provide food and job training for people experiencing homelessness here in my adopted Los Angeles. I can give money to candidates and causes I support, and I can occasionally even drop by social media to boost a project or an issue and then vanish, like a sort of Caucasian Zorro who doesn’t read his mentions. I can also model good behavior for my kids (ages 10 and 13) who don’t need to see their father glued to his phone, arguing about Trumps incompetence with Constitutional scholars who have a misspelled Bible verse in their bio (three s’ in Ecclesiastes, folks).

So farewell Twitter. I’ll miss a lot of you. Perhaps not as badly as I miss Simon Maloy and Roger Ebert and Harris Wittels and others whose deaths created an unfillable void on the platform. But I won’t miss the yelling, and the lionization of poor grammar, and anonymous trolls telling my Jewish friends that they were gonna leave the country “via chimney.” I will not miss people who think Trump is a stable genius calling me a “fucktard.” I will not miss transphobia or cancelling but I will miss hashtag games, particularly my stellar work during #mypunkmusical (Probably should have quit after that surge, I was on fire that night, real blaze of glory stuff I mean, Christ, Sunday in the Park with the Germs? Husker Du I Hear A Waltz? Fiddler on the Roof (keeping an eye out for the cops)? These are Pulitzer contenders.). Twitter makes me feel lousy, even when I’m right, and I’m often right. There’s just no point in barking bumperstickers at each other, and there are people who are speaking truth to power and doing a cleaner job of it – Aaron Rupar, Steven Pasquale, Louise Mensch, Imani Gandy and Ijeoma Oluo to name five solid mostly politically based accounts (Yes, Pasquale is a Broadway tenor. He’s also a tenacious lefty with good points and research and a dreamy voice. You think you’re straight and then you hear him sing anything from Bridges of Madison County and you want him to spoon you.). You’re probably already following those mentioned, but on the off chance you’re not, get to it. You’ll thank me, but you won’t be able to unless you actually have my email.

_______

[1] And Jesus, that’s worse – Ithaca is such a lefty enclave that they had an actual socialist mayor FOR WHOM I VOTED while I was there. And not socialist the way some people think all Democrats are socialist – I mean Ben Nichols actually ran on the socialist ticket and was re-elected twice for a total of six years.

[2] The National Gay and Lesbian Chamber of Commerce, “America’s LGBT Economy” Jan 20th, 2017

[3] The Violence Policy Institute, Firearm Justifiable Homicides and Non-Fatal Self Defense Gun Use, July 2019.

[alciell-blog]

My Side of “MY EX AND HER HORRIBLE WAYS”

There are a few things that need clearing up- Other people have talked out and I have been encouraged to make my side known too so here goes.

I was dating this guy called Elijah. I had known him a while and things were going pretty good...Until I was warned about this guy my ex. Him and Elijah hated (still do as far as I'm aware) each other. I was warned to stay away from him but I am not the kind of person that listens to others opinions and I like to form my own (I even told this to him). We got to speaking and became very close friends. Ollie was dating this guy called Travis at the time. I was told by Elijah that he seemed a lot like our friend, Damon. After extensively looking into it I managed to catch the guy out and confess to being the other guy. I was trying to be a good friend, I personally know what dating an alter/person that doesn't exist is like and didn't want that for him. The truth came out and they carried on dating after.

My relationship got kind of toxic, I was broken up with for reasons I don't even remember and I wasn't even allowed to say I love you to the guy despite us just being on a break and stuff... My ex came in and told me that the relationship was toxic and I didn't deserve that and saying all these really nice things. His relationship with Damon had lost its trust and Killian was crying all the time... So when he asked me if he should end it, of course, I advised him it's not healthy. We had spent 2 days straight on the phone, he didn't seem to wanna hang up and neither did I. Time passed by so quick before we even noticed. After some time had passed him and Damon had broken up and me and him were still close, he suggested that we should get married on imvu and so I bought a marriage package, then he said we were getting married in real too.

After I asked what this made us he said we were dating and we got into a discussion about how long we had liked each other, I know if I like someone from when I start talking to them, I knew I would like him so I admitted to that. He said he liked me from when he first time we spoke but he didn't figure it out back then. We were together and things were going great, we had a fun time. Irl he had a lot going on... he was living with roommates, he wanted to go to bar tending school and he also wanted to attend university. I tried my best to support him through that. He came to me crying 1 day saying he was going to be kicked out of his home, he didn't have the money to pay his rent to his roommate and she was grinding him for it hard. I sent him the money, I didn't want my boyfriend homeless when I could clearly help prevent that... Occasionally he would not have money for food, bills, data to message me... I sent it all as best as I could to help him...

He never asked for that (and has reminded me ALOT that he hasn't) but when someone repeats how hungry they are 9 times...You start to look for ways you can help. I accumulated a lot of debt to try and clear up the money I was getting to help keep My ex on his feet and to keep going...He literally told me many times that I saved his life. There were times that I even went without food (I was in university and fending for myself) to keep him fed and homed. I wanted to keep him happy as he meant the world to me. One day he came to me and started talking about an ex of his, I got highly insecure but tried to brush it off... Most of the time when someone came into a room on IMVU he would tell me that they were an ex or him and them had a history so I heard a lot of stuff. I can't quite remember the deal with this girl but I just remember she played a big part in what’s to come. He needed money to go drinking, he had been working so hard at Bartending that I thought he deserved a little fun and he was so desperately wanting to go so I sent him money to.

Minding my own business, I get a call later in the night from him, randomly telling me he loves me and stuff part drunk and then hanging up. *Later he confessed that his reason for this was because some girl at the club (she was the owner of a hotel or something) started to chat him up, flirting and shit so he brushed her off and called me to show some love.* It was weird behaviour and sparked up massive insecurity in me, so I wanted to talk it out. My ex was busy and most of the time when I say I'm insecure he would tell me there was no reason to be... That doesn't help someone not be insecure... So I went to talk to a close friend of mine about it to see what I should do because I needed to talk it out to someone... I was in tears, I talked it out to the guy and his boyfriend... 1 went batshit crazy and started cussing out my ex, I told him its just me being insecure and I just need assurance, the other understood and told me to calm down and wait to talk it out with him. He was right of course... so I waited.

My ex got home, drunk af and called me because he needed me to confirm to him that he was actually in his room and not someone strangers, it was a funny convo and made me laugh so hard, we had a good night and I left the convo of my insecurities until the morning because I didn't want to ruin the good vibe for not only him but myself too. But when I woke up I was bombarded by messages saying I needed to fix stuff and that I needed to clear it up. Turns out they had a bust up with him about it all... I was pissed and upset, my day was ruined before it began and he was yelling at me to fix it or else he’s gone...I fixed it and he blocked me anyway.

After a while of being blocked I changed relationship status to single, he came back and yelled at me that he'd never actually broken up with me but now he was...and left again. I think all in all this guy has blocked me AT LEAST 20 times. The thing that I hate... is its always my fault. I'm blamed for everything and even when I'm supposed to be his "best friend" he still holds shit over me saying "well Alex you do, do some stupid things sometimes". But Even when others were chatting about him in a bad way...I would still defend the fuck out of this man. I ended up losing SO many friends because of him. He made me block some, he'd scare some away, he'd fight with them which meant I couldn't say anything in return... He’s called me a pathetic cunt, a piece of shit, told me he hopes I rot, a bitch, a twat, useless, heartless bitch, a tart (he meant it as food but in my country its still an insult so I'm posting it.), annoying, attention seeker... A lot of things and worse...

We bounced in and out of dating a while, then 1 day he broke up with me for a pathetic reason... I was confused at the time but the next day he confessed to being in love with someone he had previously blocked me for insinuating he loved (he did this like 3 times...). Then another time he started dating this guy called Zach. I was happy for him. Until I was told by a close friend of mine that Zach was currently still ERP'ing with him whilst dating my ex. I told him. He claims I did it to "wreck his relationship" but if I hadn't have said anything what would that make me? And no doubt he would have yelled at me for not telling him something "so important". I was being a good friend and not letting him get fucked over. But to him I was apparently "ruining a good thing".

In total- me and said close friend worked it out (it was a method for me to get over him...) I had spent over $2,000 on him... And there were times when the money I provided wasn't spent on what it was meant to be for... His blog made me cry HARD because of how it made me come across... Anyone that knows me knows that I am NOT an obsessive person. When I love someone I put my all in but that’s just what I expect a relationship to be like... As you can see, there was freedom unlike he claimed. He claims that I trapped him in calls and shit when in reality I waited for HIM to call ME because I’m TERRIFIED of seeming like a bother. I ALWAYS ask before I call someone unless I'm emotional, crying, anxious, having an attack or we scheduled previously to call at that time. I have every conversation I have had with this man so if any "proof" is needed...I got you.

After all this bullshit, me and him were Best Friends (he uses the term loosely because he uses it against me. “You’re supposed to be my BEST FRIEND” and “some BEST FRIEND you are” and shit when he’s mad). Being friends with him was good. Except when anyone showed me attention. Friends couldn’t hug me or sit close to me without being growled at. If I got a head pat he would growl at them, say “My Alciell” and cling to me. I started seeing another man to see how it would go and he said “how could you do this to me” saying I betrayed him and blocked me...then he scared the guy away for good...)

I'm going to be posting a separate story about @imortii and him after this post so stay tuned-

[taetae-tea]

The One (Part I)

Part I --> Part 2

Genre: Hybrid!Taehyung, Fluff, Angst, smut in the future

Paring: TaehyungXreader

Word-count: 2,9K

Warnings: Abuse, unjust, anxiety, forcing, animalistic feelings

Summary: You’ve never liked the idea of hybrids, since it’s straight up abuse from a owner to a hybrid, they aren’t treated like humans. But what happens when your boss gave you a hybrid as a gift?

A/N: HAHA, I might look a bit like a copy cat since others have been writing about hybrid!au related stories, but I’ve actually liked the idea of the genre a lot, so sorry not sorry <3

Masterlist

‘I get what?’

You stare wide-eyed at the man in front of you, somewhat irritation running through your system. You’re genuinely confused to this request of your boss. It’s not something you'd normally get for the christmas days at work. Regularly, it’s just a box full of food and extra nobody-needs-that things. You've never wanted a christmas box anyways, you never use all the tools and mostly you even give it to the homeless.

‘Come on ___, everyone these days wants one.’ He chuckle, nudging your side as he smirked down at you. You hate that smirk of his, he always want to tease without a good reason. It’s as if he always needed to hamper you, though you let him notice you’re not into his bullshit that day. But at the end, he’s still your boss. You can’t do anything about his tremendous deportment.

‘I don’t need a hybrid in my house, so no thanks.’ You sigh, deciding on turning around, but your boss only called for you to hold there. ‘You don’t have a choice, have a nice christmas ___!’

You scoff, now not hesitant on rushing out of that room. Sometimes you don’t even know why you became a part of this pesky enterprise. It pays well, yeah, but this has a thousand too much problems within. Their problems are mostly on the social-part. It's the way they treat employees, particularly women, who they like to impede. With 'they' , is meant the fewer higher-standing employers. But whatever you might disagree about, it still pays well, over average. And in your position, you could use some money to keep up your own living.

Suddenly your phone began to vibrate in your pocket. When you see the message of a shipping oganisation, knowing it wasn't your doing, you began to internally scream. You can't believe this fucktard of a boss litterally sends you this so-called hybrid to your house, no announcing or anything. You've never wanted a hybrid to even begin with.

It's not that you hate hybrids individually, it's just the matter on 'why' they were made. You know that these hybrids are also human beings, converted to this inhuman rase. Not only do they break nature's law, they also treat hybrids like complete garbage. Most people want them to help with their own lacking desire of affection. It's sad, truly, but the most sad of them all is that the hybrids have no idea. They think it's just the way life goes. Getting raped every single day? No problem, if that’s what you have to do to please your owner. It’s sickening, knowing this sort of extraordinarily abuse exists. Unbelievable.

You race over the highway in your car, making fast work on getting yourself home. You want to send the hybrid back as fast as possible, you don't want to support this kind of mutated human, not when there is too much wrong about it. It's a form of rebelling, indirectly showing your opinion on this. You want them to feel free, to feel loved like other humans. It’s almost as if they have less right than a cat or a dog, though they are human like the rest. If they only would realize that it wasn’t the right way to live your life, they would revolt and you would be a 100% supporter of that

You arrive at your house, immediately noticing a man standing in front of your house, hands folded over one another. He wears a kind smile, like he just delivered a small package, but in reality he just delivered you a whole human being. You can see the well-known uniform of the hybrid-company, called Hy-Tech, disgusting.

’The hybrid is in the back of the truck, should I get hi-.’

‘No, I don’t want ‘him’. It was a present of my workplace, but really I don’t need one. Still thanks though.’ You’d cut him off, walking straight past the shocked-looking guy. You struggle on getting your keys out, wanting to avoid the awkward silence between the unknown person and you.

‘Sorry miss, but we can’t take him back, at least not the same day.’ You can hear his wavering tone, somewhat scared for your reaction. From what he has noticed, you’re rather a spicy girl. And he is right, because you almost want to smack your keys to his head when those words left his mouth. Still, you try to keep yourself calm and steady, turning around with all the continence you have left in your bones.

‘When can I return him?’

‘Two weeks is the minimum. Mostly it’s used to see if the owner likes the hybrid, if not, it will be exchanged for a better one-.’ He almost drifts off ‘But, you can also just wait and then return him.’

You let out a deep sigh, lifting up you hand to massage your head for a small second to think. It’s not like there’s a lot to think about, you don’t have any choice. Two weeks isn’t long, so it’s somewhat doable. It’s just, you’re furious about the cause, your boss. Couldn’t he at least tell you? Ask you?

‘Okay… I guess I don’t have a choice.’ You sigh, nodded for the guy to get the hybrid, the poor thing. The guy smiles genuinely, probably just happy he didn’t had to disappoint his boss with an unhappy customer. He walks up to the back of his truck, opening it and smiling at the hybrid inside. He nudges his to get out, encouraging. You let out another sigh, again feeling a drill of irritation flowing through your body. Now you think about it, your boss must think that you’re some lonely loser who needs a fucking hybrid to fulfill your needs or something. What kind of creepy thoughts does this guy even have about you?

Then the hybrid finally steps out of the truck, looking around to take in his surroundings. You cock your head to the side as the hybrid and the man approaches you. He is… beautiful. It’s no doubt, his eyes, hair, body, lips, nose, you could go on and on. But then again, they must be made to be beautiful. thereby, they are here to please you, also your eyes.

‘Hi…’ He says shyly, looking away from you. You have to admit, he is really cute and you nod your head in return at him to greet him. You analyze his hybrid features, vastly noticing it’s some kind of cat, probably a lion or something, since his ears are yellow and so is his tail. His tail also has a little fluffy hair bundle at the tip. He wears a big sweater with black tight jeans, casually clothed, making him more adorable for his owner. Pathetic.

’So, there isn’t much you need to know about hybrids since you will be returning him again.’ The ears of the hybrid sprang up as he wears a really sad expression by hearing the words of the man, your heart sinking immediately. He must be very sad that you don’t want him, as if he is just a object, as if he’s lacking. How could this bastard say that in front of the hybrid himself? Like he isn’t part of the conversation. Fucking hell, this gets you so damn mad. You clench your jaw as you kept your eyes on the guy, having a stern glare.

‘He needs to eat and drink like any other human. He also needs some medicine for his heat, which he gets next week. Unless you’s want him to-.’

‘No.’ You cut him off again, not at all feeling the need to want any sexual things from this hybrid. You can take care of your sexual frustrations yourself, which is clubbing.

‘Well, then you need these pills.’ He gave you a small bag, white pills piled on one another. ‘He needs it once a day.’ You nod  as you put the bag in your jacket pocket. ‘That was it I guess, you can call me any time you need me.’ ‘There will be no need.’ You answer, now turning around and signaling for the hybrid to go with you, sighing a soft ‘for fucks sake’ under your breath.

Once the both of you were inside, warmth embracing your bodies, you pull off your jacket and shoes and the hybrid did the same as he just copied your doings. Then a question suddenly shot through your head.

‘Fuck, what’s your name?’

His eyes shot up at you with confusion written all over his face. He shrugs, literally not knowing his name. ‘I don’t have a name yet, you need to give me one.’ He says. Anger again began to boil within you. How can’t he even have his own name? Everyone has a name, it’s not possible for him not to know his own name at this point.

‘Didn’t they give you a name, ever?’ You say, now slightly interested in his background story. You’d like to know how his past life went, if he got treated well. You can’t imagine him, this sweet angel with a boxy smile, being abused, tossed around like a no one.

’They called me kitty, you can call me that too if you want.’ He says, giving you a small smile before focussing his gaze on the ground again. Then you noticed, as he looks at the ground, he is just having a straight face. As if he isn’t allowed to look at you? You run your hand through your hand, calming yourself.

‘No.’

He frowns, now giving you little glances up at you, but quickly looked back down at the floor. He is confused, why are you reacting like this? His past owners always were overjoyed and immediately wanted to use him for many different things. But he could sense you didn’t want any of it, you were different. You also gave him some kind of dominant vibes, so maybe you were just immense strict towards him, maybe wanting him on his knees to beg you? What do you want?

‘Look up at me, never look down ever again.’

He obeys, looking up at your eyes, still confused. You take his hand, carefully taking him to the couch and sitting him down. You’re mad, but still, you can’t blame him. You need to be careful with him, show him what real love is so he might want to escape and never return from this world. Maybe you can change his few on this world.

’Do you have a particular name you like a lot?’

‘Taehyung... I like that name… a lot.’ He almost looks scared to speak his own mind. He hesitates in his sentences a lot. He can’t even have his own opinion, fucking bullshit. It’s all bullshit, if you’d ask. How much you’d like to go back in time to where the hybrids got invented and just ruin it all, destroying all their new-found inventions.

‘Okay Taehyung, I’m ___, we’re going to make a few things straight in this house.’

He nods, a bit confused to why you would name him his preferred name, are you just being nice so he would have to pay it back later in bed? Is this some test? To show you that he is a great pet? Because you already wanted to throw him out the moment he walked up to you and you hadn’t even looked at him yet. But the way you’re treating him made him confused. you disliked him so much in the first place, what got your mind to change like that?

‘First, you can go out whenever you want, I don’t mind, just don’t go too far because you will lose track on your path. Secondly, you may eat whatever you’d like, just look in the kitchen if you want anything and you can grab it, just don’t eat my whole fridge away. Thirdly, you can be casually with me. Fourthly, I don’t want anything from you, with that I mean your body. You can be free here.’

Your four simple ways around your house got his head dizzy. He never has been treated this way and he couldn’t really find a reason to why you would be different. Of course, he isn’t complaining, he just can’t stop thinking that’s it’s a trick and you will be throwing him out any minute now. It’s his biggest fear as a hybrid, being left alone and back in his own cell again, waiting for the next owner. To him, a home is way better than the cells the hybrids have to live in while they are in the between-owners period. It gets him chills, thinking back to those cells.

‘O-Okay…’

You smile at him, hand reaching up to pet his ears, which hadn’t stopped twitching with confusion, but now eased down as you kept petting him. The feeling isn’t foreign to him, but it still has been a long time since he has been petted, and to your information, he loves it. So it wasn’t a surprise that he purr immediately formed, head leaning into your hand, eyes still wide open as he didn’t yet dare to relax with you. What is he makes the wrong move? Will you punish him?

‘Relax, I won’t hurt you.’ You try to assure him and he eventually does, closing his eyes and head laying down on your lap, loud purr heard. This place suddenly felt like heaven to him, as if he has finally find his destination, a good owner. He can’t stop admiring you all of a sudden, loving your smell, the way your hands slide over his ears as you turn on the television. You don’t mind him having on your lap, it’s adorable and you see how much he needs this. He obviously never really had the chance to relax, so you wouldn’t mind showing him how life also could be. Thereby, you’re extremely tired and you just want to relax, you will deal with your new accompany the next day.

He turns around to face you on your lap, arms making their way around your waist as he couldn’t help himself anymore, affection drilling through his body by your touch. It’s so overwhelming, feeling so satisfied after many years of being a ‘slave’. He just wants to keep being in your arms, resting his head on your lap.

‘Aren’t you cold?’ You say as you feel a slight breeze in your apartment, thinking that he might be cold from it. You know that cats like warmth, since you had a cat when you were younger and still lived at home, so maybe lions do too. He shakes his head no, but you didn’t take his response as an answer, still standing up and getting a thick blanket for the both of you to lay under. When you came back and laid the blanket over his body, you notice his big boxy smile, purr as loud as always. You sit down next from him as you took the blanket over your body too, nudging him to come closer to you and so he does. He lays his body close against you, arms again around your waist as he watches along with the series you had zapped to.

‘___, are you testing me?’ He suddenly asks and you just shake your head, hand coming up to pet his hair slightly, reassuring that everything is okay and that he can relax for the upcoming 2 weeks, because you’re still not planning on keeping him. But maybe, just maybe, you will let him stay? He thought. If he’s just really good to you, you might reconsider your choice?

‘Just relax tonight, Taehyung. Nothing will happen, I won’t ever play with you like that, I’m not like that.’ You sigh, hand returning to your own lap. He feels relieved. You’re so different from most people and he just can’t wait for you to open up more to him, showing your real nature to him. Because, as he feels your skin on his, he feels something strange. Something he never felt before and he didn’t know it was just affection or something stronger than that, talking about his mate. Mating is still something very big in this system of hybrids, since it’s a big turn on for the humans, wanting to be mated with a hybrid. It’s fucked up, yeah, but humans like it, getting owned by something with a big animalistic drive. Like with heaths, humans enjoy those the most out of everything.

‘Never leave me.’ He mutters, genuinely meaning the words and making your heart break. You can’t, you don’t want to. You’ve always been against it. Always. You can’t just take a turn on your opinion because of him… But still, he seems to have this effect on you when he lays close to you, it somewhat gets you dizzy. Maybe it’s just the effect a hybrid has on its owners. Whatever it is, it makes you want to be closer to him, cuddle up to him and hold him. You try to fight back as much as possible and that eventually works. You’re not that weak, you know how to stop. But others don’t. What if he goes back, to that centre and then eventually to another horrible owner? You can’t let him go back there, not knowing that he will go somewhere terrible. 

It has only been the first hour and you feel as if you’ve fallen into a deep ravine. Boy oh boy, this is going to be a whole new adventure.

A/N: I hope y'all liked it!

Masterlist

[cjoatprehn]

The Truth

It’s  Time to Stop the Negativity in My Life

   Introduction

“Here is the truth about that…weird girl you know just around the block. That girl you bullied in elementary and middle school…that college student who always seemed to take care of others and not herself. That girl who seemed to want to say one thing…but just doesn’t say it at all. The bookworm who seemed to love homework. That teenager who is awfully mean on her periods. The daughter that seems to want others to understand and have excuses for every mistake she does. The granddaughter that says random things and draws on anything…even your light-colored couch with a marker. That cousin who always seems to want to leave parties and has a crush but will never confess. That one student that hates fighting others, and self-destructs herself. The girl that is writing this post….to release the truth that she has been hiding…and is willing to accept the consequences as they come.”

               I want to say, thank you…to all of you who have been with me for this long in my life. I appreciate all your efforts to make sure that I am happy, safe, and above all, healthy. That I know whether to cross the street or not, to speak out and say what I think. To speak the truth in the inward parts. God hates a liar. And the Holy Spirit is watching me now, as I write this. This is my confession to all of you and my confirmation of my signature that I will accept all consequences as they come through. Most of you may want to unfollow me and not support me and that is perfectly okay with me. I just…want you guys to know the truth. The real me. I warn you, this may…sound messed up to a very certain extent. Depending on who reads it. But…

I am no longer going to hide behind fantastical stories anymore. I will…take what comes and may God protect the rest of me and my mind. I want to go ahead and apologize to Him now, for all the exaggerated stories. All of it.

In Real Life Shoutouts:

Now…Shout outs are in order. First off, the Father My God, for creating and revealing things to me. The one listener who doesn’t get annoyed at my constant babbling. Um, My Grandma Neal and my Grandma Clara. For helping me through everything, life in general. And Grandma Virgie Monroe, for having the Artist mind to understand someone as complex as me. The Prayer Ministry, for their prayers for my family and life. Alberta and Daqwon McKnight, for their hospitality, generosity, guidance and preaching. Corinthian Baptist Church, for becoming the one place where I can be safest and happiest. No matter if it is Sunday or not. Miss Erline and her family for showing just…so much hardworking talent in the Mission Ministry. Kelli Michelle Wise for raising me and my sister. Mckenzie Joyner for being the best girlfriend I could ever have in Maryland, being able to relate to a girl that balances me out is wonderful. Edwin Johnson IV for the longest friendship I have ever been able to maintain without unintentionally breaking it. Raymond Fisher III and his family, for the constant support especially when I became homeless. Renoir Dawson-Finan (I have some thanks for you too), for coming so quickly whenever I needed you. Your comfort during the hard times made it bearable (when you weren’t….you know…NSFW). Yoni for being the gentleman of advice, silliness, and absolute absurdity. My siblings as well. I love you all. No matter your actions. Also. Mary Baldwin University: Gloria Cooper, Shay’De Tyler, Destinee and Heather Zollars, Hannah Fishbourne, Andrea Cornett-Scott and her husband, Gamer’s Guild, Kate, and so many more. I appreciate all your positive messages and love on my whiteboard. I still have the pictures in my over 12,000 photo library, hehe. There are many more people in my life I may have forgotten but I want to move on to the Online friends now.

 Online Shoutouts:

         First Shoutout goes to the first ever server I have joined on Discord. Yes, while flawed, the entire group of friends that I met for Dungeons and Dragons, while it…was an experience with many highs and lows, I am glad to have experienced the joy of slaying monsters with a silly band of diverse people. I still have the recordings, and the photos from when Coley visited and drew the Aquarius constellation on my hand. I hope you guys are well. Even if you guys no longer like my existence anymore. The others are those I have made in Art Servers, Roleplay Servers, and Youtubers like Tehrogue, Melle-D, Mona-Chan, Jacksepticeye, Markiplier, Your Daily Dose of Internet, AyChristineGames, All of the Viners out there, you are all amazing and I love your content. On Tumblr, you guys have all been kind, and there are so many I could list. But while I am late, I want to shoutout to you guys too. You know who you are.

 Lord Give Me Strength…

        I…have a lot to confess to you all. A lot of the things you have heard about/from me and my character…are probably exaggerated to make myself seem…a lot more interesting and awesome than I actually am. The reason I overexaggerated the stories I tell about what happen to me, no matter how short or long, is because…I am afraid of being judged for my true self. And making my life seem…insane, seemed like the best way to make friends. But! Not every story was…untrue. The Homeless Shelter story, did actually happen. But…nobody hit on me, or did anything wrong. They were all very grateful for the goods we brought for their survival. The Angela is insane on Sugar,…is both true and untrue in a sense. Because I do get a certain boost from it and the caffeine in my medication, and crashing ends up screwing the day for me. But…me doing flips and jumping down flights of stairs and landing on my feet is not true. Also it’s very dangerous don’t do that unless you are trained (or something like that). There are actually a lot of stories that were exaggerated….Me walking straight out the front door and going 84-86 miles was true. Geepus sometimes my legs sheer pain from when I walked those long distances. It really was terrifying to walk in the pitch black of night with nothing but trees and no lights around you in a manic state. The sister story…well…(That was true.) The Attempting Suicide twice (true) the first boyfriend (True) Many of the stories I tell are actually true I am discovering but the added details and overexaggeration for effect makes it…laughable and crazy to say the least.

             But…long story short…there are so many stories I have told, to make you laugh, to make me seem like a kickbutt person, or to inspire you. But I’m here to say, most of them were overexaggerated for the sake of…my inner security about myself, and you guys laughing makes me laugh so I add stuff to make it even funnier. Because everyone needs a good belly-aching laugh. Or someone needs an awe-inspiring story.

 I will admit, those of you who sense I am hiding something…I usually am. On an everyday basis. Even people like Edwin still are finding out more about me and my experiences with life. I know a lot more than I let on….I’m not violent, or an absolute hothead all the time, I tend to blurt out what’s on my mind. I…I’m imperfect. But I’m okay with that. God Made me to be imperfect and enjoy the pleasures he gave for me to enjoy. I know you have a lot of questions. For those of you who have my number and social media, message me. I’ll answer any questions you may have. If you have lost faith in me, or hate me for the lies, or just…other bad things…I am okay with that.  Thank you all for listening to my confession. I look forward to the future and what lies ahead. But no matter what, I still believe in, and love all of you, and will do anything no matter what for you. That has never changed.

[mamonthemoon]

So about the 5 of CUPS.  I am getting in touch with writing and music and art and so happy to have access to a computer to do these things.  I could not flow like this, as I wanted, at my pace, on my phone.  It is SO great to have a computer again.  I am blessed, I am thankful.  I am so happy, today I logged into Soundcloud to find Jan and Taylor collab and made music and it just touched my heart and made me so happy.  Also talkin and chillin beside dont know her name but shes a Leo, I could tell she was more on point and driven and aware the first time i saw her come into the cafeteria one night.  Not like the others.  A good thing.  She is having some struggles with people evidently, being different, and them talking about her business, ay dont worry about it their petty basic losers. Bitches. I also got a nice comment 6 months ago on a track I did, “perfection” - how nice. I wish I had been able to make music and tracks through these past few years... I felt trapped, unable to express and create.. So I just sat in my car and sang... Ive been without a computer for the past 5 years WOW! I set out to evolve- to break my internet addiction, I wanted to be in real life, and not in my own little bubble, I wanted to be aware and grounded and discipline myself.  Well, I sure do appreciate this computer access now, and the internet, and everyone’s creativity and the era we’re in is so beautiful in that way, considering how awful the fucking world is! Like all these churches are you for real? and all these heathens that lie cheat steal? Crazy! War... Hate.. Rape.... Oppression.. Slavery.. Injustice... Women under men............ all this.... I was shielded from for most my life, ignorant and dumb and aloof. Its better that way!!! I sought to understand though... big mistake!!!! Understand I have..... Damn. Shoulda asked and prayed for good things! Not something like understanding! Wow dont do that unless you want to go through heaven and hell and everything in between, chaos, mundane, and the unseen.  So much... Off on a tangent again.... Point is... I am EMBRACING the 5 of cups. I literally stand like that.... I stood like that figure today, on the hill across the empty basin up the hill where I walk to be with nature, the little bit that is there, amongst the trash and brush.  I asked Jesus to heal my heart if he exists, and told him he knows I have lived like him, at least more than pretty much most people, and that hey maybe I havent, and I dont know, obviously Im doing something wrong.  I cried, because my heart needed me to, my body needed me to. And it felt good to, with the wind, or fresh air, far away from the building and people.  I cried and spoke to Ayla. I feel I will be with her in one year.  I am saddened by our seperation and how long it is taking, and I want her to know she is SO loved.  In fact, it is the only reason I live. I typed love.... and perhaps that is the correct sentence here.  Ayla is the only reason I love.  It is true.  I never loved before her.  I never loved until I became a mother.  And I loved everyone with that love, too.  Mostly her of course, an overwhelming neverending supply of love, JUST LIKE THE SUN.  Ayla is Jesus. And so am I, as a result of loving her and giving my all to her like I have. PURE LOVE. I prayed for it and I got it.  It was so painful, before and after, her. But she is Joy. She is grace.  She is everything.  She is my teacher.  She is SO beautiful.  And I cant stand to see her cry without crying.  That image is burned in my brain.  I was happy at the moment, starting my new life with psycho, briefly, he was treating me well.  I was putting in work to make that nasty house a home.  I was loving again, and being reciprocated in that love and affection.  BUT NOTHING COMPARES TO YOU. AYLA RAY.  I mourn for that I have been unable to accomplish housing you and me.  I have been unable to attain a living situation.  And it is SO frustrating.  I believe things can get better.  I believe in me.  I believe in my strength and perseverence, and I trust my intuition.  I have been working very hard to be strong.  I have worked very hard to be sober.  Worked to be creative.  Worked to be spiritually sound.  Worked to have greater understanding.  And I have been getting feedback from the people who work here and run this place, as well as doctor and social worker type person at the Internal Medicine Clinic today, positive feedback and thanks for sharing my experience, and told that I am wise and have a greater understanding, etc.  It didnt even feel good to receive the praise, I was too busy extracting what I had to say, and it is exhausting and frustrating because the pain stays inside me, and all I have to do is wait. and wait. and wait. but its okay.  I am happy.  I have a place to be, I have some people to talk to, and we talk and then all wander away, its perfect.  I have had hard times and been very frustrated but through it all I am grateful and see the silver lining for sure.  I am not dwelling on the past, on the wrongs I was wronged recently.  Im used to it!!!!!!  I accept it.  My car was on its way out, and Ive never been in a good living situation anyway.  The way Ive lived, being in this homeless shelter really isnt that hard.  Except that my body doesnt appreciate the shit food and eating meat, and I have to be careful about my sugar intake.  I feel awful after I eat.  I will be so relieved and at ease when I can smoke mari again.  I hate eating.  Yet, Im always hungry now it seems.  My weight is 115.  Im on track, perfect weight.  Just my body doesnt feel good due to my nervous system. And these people dont want to prescribe me Ativan.  Im pretty sure the song Jan and Taylor did, the lyrics talked about the generic name for it.. loradiazepine, or something.  Ill have to check.  The song was titled “Giving up on a Friend”.  It was beautifully prosed and poised. Truly impressive.  So happy inside.  I have really been sad for all my creative lovely friends that died...... drugs, lack of love... parents being not what they needed to be...... crazy, we came from a good area... but.. moreso than in the hood.. i feel like everyone be so isolated. anyway. it made me happy, to stand with those 2 cups left standing.... so many died and spilled... those cups.... what a beautiful world, to hold my Tiffany, Kyle, Des.... they were beautiful sensitive souls and im so sorry this world was so cold! im so sorry i couldnt express and shower them with the love they deserved.. i dont regret or blame myself anymore, because i didnt have the capacity to love... until i had Ayla.  So forgiveness is there.  I needed THEIR love.  Their creativity and spirit lit me up when i was dark and grey.  No one knew how much each other struggled... its so sad.  But I remember how happy I felt being at the community house as i called it.... the boys and their shenanigans....... I also watched young No doubt and Gwen Stefani.. how beautiful... I cant believe I never watched the music videos when I was younger I loved her! She inspired me so much... so different... I guess she was to me, what Billie Eilish is to Imani.  I want to write a letter to Imani. I love and miss her.  She is truly ahead of her time.  I cant wait til I can get some money and send her a letter.  Im gonna have to go on googlemaps and find their house so I can know the address cuz I dont remember or rather, never logged into my brain, the house numbers. I would totally adopt Imani.  It makes me sad the things I cant do because of money.  What I can do, is be there for them in other ways.  In the spirit ways, creative, being aware paying attention to them, telling them how beautiful and wonderful they are.  It made me sad how depressed and angry I was, Imani got to hear me straight up raw bitching... but I belive it truly helped her transition with her dad, and know that shes not alone, and that I see what he does and hate it, and that I have problems with my dad too.  And that her dad is a bastard who doesnt support her dreams and creativity as much as he should, because he had to repress it in himself. And that you have to hold onto your creativity, no ones going to help you, basically.  I have to reiterate that.  She is truly passionate and creative and wise and mature way beyond her years. I know she gets love from all around, family and friends, Im really hoping my absence hasnt left a dent in her life or heart, truly, sometimes.... sometimes you know, I wish someone will miss me or realize the hole thats left by my absence.. but I dont wish that on her.  I want her to be happy and good. For real. But as for my daughter.... I cant say I am okay with her being happy without me.  I have struggled with the selfishness of that.  I WANT her to be taken care of and happy.... I even thanked the women who replaced me, for being in her life, glad she had females but come to find out Oriana bitch.. fucking slapped her... and THATS why fucker wouldnt let me talk to her and dicked me around whil eim busting my ass trying to work my shit pay cooking jobs but hold Ayla top priority and just be left in the dust with NO control, me.. not respected. But now I have evidence in my phone from conversations with worm saying these things, if it will even matter........ its a shame this last bastard isnt going to be helping me with the law and with my daughter and case... I mean I cant really accept him into my life being that he acted how he did and talked to me and berated me after praising me like he did, like a straight up classic psycho, but ive never met a man so bipolar SHIT....... ANYWAY, maybe I can date a lawyer though..or hangout at the law library.. but i dont want to run into him.  IDK what will become of this, IDK what my path is, But I am focusing on the Two upright cups, The cups still standing.  The strong survive... I used to think everyone would make it til old age, except the rare car accident etc... I had NO IDEA so many people would die... so young.. every year...aiy. So I see it as survival of the fittest but its no joke.  I am still struggling.  Where my friends reached for drugs, partying, relief, escape... I sought to really make it for real and not get sucked into that life that I saw would drag people down.  Why did I see this and they did not? Is it because I was more of a loner, less able to socialize or fit in or pretend? I dont know... I know that.... I didnt connect very well to people and was pretty much isolated more than others.... also.. sexually void.... so i did not have those intense feelings of attachment or love like others had... it would have been too much for me to handle probably but still, my life was empty and cold and dark and grey.  Still is, a lot, except when I bring my conscious energy and intent alive... but subconsciously... all is not good... My moon is in the 4th house, and until my home environment is good, until i feel secured and loved and family...... I will not be well emotionally.  I know this.  Astrology and the occult has truly armed me with knowledge.  Self knowledge, and a tool and friend if you will... guide.. mentor.. something to interact with... something to listen! to be there for me to see, what is going on....Astrology for the core personality and blueprint of what makes a person tick.. what drives them.. how they function... of course a conscious person is harder to decipher, someone who has worked on themselves, to balance out their traits i guess but anyway, people shine as they are! whether exhibiting negative qualities and not shining at all but being muddy and negative, or by being bright and vibrant and strong.. either way, it is seen.  Its not evil lol. stupid man. how can you be against something you know nothing about? that is ignorance. how can you stand for something or against something if you dont even know what IT IS? Lost respect.  That should be a name of a song I will write, or rather, the title of what I have already wrote.  I gota speak it into a beat. Cant stay in this notebook i will inevitably throw away.  It must make it off the page and into something shareable.  I write too much to keep throwing it away.  It all seems too basic for how deep i go, i feel i dont do myself justice i guess. but simple is good.. i am not so hard on other artists! i need to create and let go and not worry about it and just keep at it.  Just like selfies take like 20 shots to get a good one.. haha. done with those. the fact remains. so, 20 tracks to create then, and bam ill have a good one worth sharing.  it is cringing, to listen to some of my stuff for real, from a few years ago, but also deeply giddy satisfying like a gift from my past self, an adult, channeling my inner child, i am ridiculous, while everyone else is trying to be so serious and hard and rap. it was nice to hear real music from my friends of the past. love in my heart. 2 cups remain standing. 3 are down, indeed, much has been lost and spilled.  I was contemplating today how sad it is people are appreciated after they pass. and i thought of how Kathy joshs mom said Nanny said something similar. and i think how i had a card i never sent her, with cactus on it, when i was in napa, but shit got serious and i never could send it, and then i just ended up keeping it, and i think i gave it away to salvation army in a little cheap gold frame idk? like the conflict to let go or follow through, and when somethings old and passed.. and when that energy isnt the same.... it traps me up.  but honestly i dont have love for her or for any of his family anymore. i did talk of kathy today to this lady whos next to me’s son earlier when he came in and was friendly, came in again when his moms here and hes so pissy and confrontational like trying to diss me for what? you JUST came in here being nice and whatever and then like hell bent on being an asshole for why? what the hell did i do to you? whatsup with these bipolar men? you aint even a man 21 yrs old so pissy wtf... i sure hope i have better dealings with my daughter when shes a teenager. this kid is retarded anyway, making fun of a handicapped man in front of a woman he talks to.. he was happy to start talkin to me.. and this kid had to just ruin it and diss him for no reason, i wish i would have spoke up about how disrespectful that was and how he made HIMSELF look bad and lost respect for HIMSELF. but i was on vistaril, and the thoughts were there but not the execution. thats why i dont like drugs. plus i couldnt sleep and it made me stuffy in my throat and neck and lymph system aiy im not having it leave my body alone with this shit! youre not pushing this shit on me i will be heard! its a struggle!!!

but ay this kid made my body uncomfortable, stress response with his petty bullshit like damn wtf? gtfo. teenagers for real need to go on a rite of passage, like in the old days. it is NOT RIGHT to have them around!! i truly TRULY believe that! its not healthy for anyone involved!! let them go... let them spread their wings and fly.. let them run into a tree.. let them feel that pain against the night sky, alone, and figure out what to do all by their damn selves! they want to. theyd prefer it. no teenager wants to be trapped. why do we work against nature? can we do something about this? what can we do? what social structure can we put in place to make these wrongs right? I mean, the army is the only way for a young boy or girl to go off on their own? or college- but how appealing is that for a lot of kids, after 15 years of the school system FOR REAL WTF!

I stand for a better world, thats what I stand for. I have incredible morals and ideals, as my venus in sagittarius would suggest. in the 3rd house.. communication, short distance travel, siblings... thats what that house rules, i cant remember what else.  I feel that brotherhood sisterhood of humanity... HUMAN KIND... BE A KIND HUMAN.. like that shirt i saw someone post on tumblr yesterday! SO CUTE! I need that shirt! Id buy it if i had money! HUMANKIND. perfect. yes i am a humanitarian and i love specifically, FIRE it is FIRE with which I LOVE !! SPECIFICALLY higher ideals, higher learning.... long distance travel/exploration/being carefree and adventurous... DIVA, its said, also. yes. I do seek to bring humanity what I have learned. What I have worked so hard to acquire.. understanding.. better ways.. “alternative” methods... theres so many people suffering, people who want help but the help that is offered is no good.... i want to be a person that helps. i always have. but i have assessed. i have reflected over and over, the past, what i have done wrong or why things have gone wrong or bad.  Its really simple when you realize.  You cant help someone who doesnt want help. This is something we hear a lot. So I realized, that Ive wasted to effort or time when, there ARE people out there who would appreciate and benefit from me... i COULD be of value.... i really havent been... im just ari to these people called friends and family. a nobody truly, respected for nothing really, just appreciated for who i am and being there but its just on a shallow level like anyone could really do that, whatever i did, i feel. i dont feel appreciated by my friends and family- i dont. i truly believe this is NOT just a feeling, but reality. and i face it. and i accept it. i accept people i have loved... just dont care, and dont see my depth or care to seek it for themselves or match me in my devotion or dedication to excelling in various ways, of serving, of growing, of giving, of loving. i am tired of being alone, amongst people that supposedly care for me. Adults have only cared what i can do for them. Only children appreciate me on a level that is reciprocated, on a level that i recieve anything nurturing or feel value in interacting... i DONT... i dont find value in interacting with adults really.  I still do it.  I enjoy conversating. but really i could take it or leave it. i appreciate the interactions and conversations, but i really dont care at the same time. i am desperate for attention and aware of it and not seeking it, i know where i come from, i know ive been a people pleaser, i know ive lacked genuine human connection and interaction. i know this. i prefer to be a loner. i like to laugh and interact. its cool. but children are what light me up, children are what serves me, fills me up, fills my cup. So the two cups are Ayla and Imani really, if we want to be symbolic about it in that way. They are kinda like the only people I truly care for.  I have shed everyone else. Even Megan. our interaction was vitally important for me, to have a friend to talk to via internet, but im done caring.... its just happened. maybe it would have happened anyway, i think it would have, but it sticks out in my mind how she said she thinks i have to let go of ayla. ill let go of you bitch. i laid my life on the line for you and she dont fully realize that even though i have told her, tried to tell her in the most humble way possible just showing my heart and what my intentions were. but really let go of my daughter? i mean i did. i DID. makes no difference. i mean, i understand though..... i remember being in Napa with my toddler Ayla and Megan struggling being sober and quitting smoking and using Lavender essential oil all the time, but first i remember how scary her situation was and how scared i was for her, i stood for her, i stood to be strong and support her, but i wont lie the situation didnt look good, and im sure thats how she and everyone else sees me. my strength or true work has not been evident. being a loser has only been evident. but i dont care, i work and work.... they are all basic to me.... i care of course, i mean i wish things coulda been different but im over it i accept what is. and im actually glad i havent been held down by taking care of a child who will ultimately be unhappy and take me for granted.. like how could i ever make it? i wouldnt be able to focus on anything. and i havent made financial career progress as much as ive needed to.. it hurts me that i should be farther along BUT IM NOT. I havent had the support Ive needed. and if i focused on my career and pushed all this aside... neglected my inner child... NOT delved into creativity.... NOT been true and real and fought to be sober when the adults will all tell me i need to be on pills or i need to do this or that.... i realize now i am a true leader...  i have power and peace and presence others do not have... because they have not put the work into it.... what ive put work into is transcendental...it is invisible, mostly unrewarded work. it has real effects.. i mean i had to.. i had to find my own way... forge my own strength. How can one just listen to what others tell them to do? Be a slave? Be a slave to those who hurt me? Obey those who hurt me? Who are blind? Perpetuate this awful cycle of doing what you have to do, and have no joy and work and drink alcohol and tell the kids to go play and leave me alone for real NO hell fucking no. children are beautiful gifts. and these people here.... they do not know how to handle their children, a lot of them, its the typical shit i see everyday. like really. youre not even going to enjoy your kid? just drag them along a miserable life, filled with have to’s? wheres the joy? i wana be around joy and strength and presence and VITALITY! i want a man that cooks for real. and loves and smiles and dances, and is weird a little but also so hott. like i deserve that, no? im really waiting for that situation where i would be of value with WHO I AM and what i have worked so hard to be... this shit aint free! i aint just frollocking around being carefree like people may think, fucking around, not being serious.... I guess im Low key serious.... Low key mike.. low key.. ive thought of him. but im let it go. last time i tried to just send him love he pissed me off and the vibe i had for him changed, i wished i had just left it at appreciating him in my heart, and left out the part where i express it. yeah. shit like that be so frustrating. thats what i dont need is just shit to spoil my day however little and petty or huge and devastating. anyway i was appreciated for things, mostly for listening and being intelligent and witty and beautiful and my body and sex and my effort in cleaning and love for the doggies etc....but it wasnt enough.. he was a drain on me... like a boat with a hole in it, where i have to continuously slosh out the water coming in whilst cleaning bugs off the boat and making sure dogs dont jump off and blah im done just really wow the effort... the draining... the complete draining of my energy... how fast it can go from good to terrible and dangerous for my health..... have to build trust over time.... i will not have sex with a man until we date for awhile... ill say.. but i know this may not be true. i chalk this one up to online, really. if i met him in person, we would have not connected i truly believe that. its only because we started out text messeging, saw each others hearts, but real, NOT compatible. emotionally yes and love yes- we totally experienced what astrology has to say... if he wants to be ignorant thats his perogative, most men dont accept astrology. they think they create themselves so much ahahaha i laugh everytime i say that. they are so stupid. but not all. some believe and see it to be true or to have merit. I sure ventured off from topic of 5 of cups... or did I? its all related. its a ramble. im flowing. man i wish i could relax though. time to hum. man i wish there was good food to eat. nourishing soup. please. PLEASE LORD feed me some good food that will do me good. i need soup so bad. I am totally finding a restaraunt tomorrow and demanding i do dishes or something, in exchange for some soup. I just wonder whats around besides fast food places. Ill have to take the bus probably. I need good food. I feel like I am dying. I dont get the right medicine, the right food..... i just have to be thankful for what i do got. im poor, money wise.. health wise i am also poor majority of the day.. its awful i really hope this changes soon its hard.... im gona lay down.. but its already been 5 hours since ive eaten dinner... i do have crackers... processed crap.. hopefully my body likes it.. man i havent had fruit in HOW LONG. or yogurt. i need yogurt.