#there's no justification as to why your dumb nonsense is the right dumb nonsense other than shallow logic games you play

[ericamzdm]

Motherlover - Gaslighting

So. Motherlover is a great little web-comic made by Lindsay Ishihiro. To directly quote from the About page - "Motherlover is a sweet serial romance comic about two moms from different walks of life who (are going to eventually) fall in love, with a bunch of other life stuff that happens along the way."

(cut for minor plot spoilers - seriously, go read it first!)

It's a very cute little queer comic, with themes of motherhood, self-identity, growth - and abuse. Specifically, it's about the kinds of abuse that don't look like abuse (if you don't know what you're looking at). Which make it relevant to my interests, and worth doing a breakdown post on scenes of interest.

Like the one where Jonathan (Imogen's husband) gaslights Imogen out of going back to school.

So. Imogen - who wants to go back to college - introduces that idea to Jonathan via a three panel barrage of over-explaining, justifying how she can do that without dipping in her 'duties' as a housewife and stay-at-home mom.

This...is a trauma response. Imogen exhaustively justifying her desires - believing that those desires need to be folded up so tight they could not possibly inconvenience anyone else before she can even speak about them - tells us that she thinks that this justification is required of her, that she will be denied or otherwise punished if she doesn't.

And your first impulse might be to say "But she's doing that on her own! Even if it is a trauma response, that could just be baggage from her ex! Jonathan isn't making her anxiety spiral!" - except yes he is, because he isn't talking. His silence is creating the empty space that Imogen feels compelled to fill in the second and third panels, denying her support while she verbally flails.

It's only when Imogen has directly asked (after exhausting all her justifications) that he finally speaks - and he immediately (a) says he supports the idea while (b) treating it as incomprehensible nonsense.

"It's a great idea" means less than nothing when his next words are to imply it is anything but. He's saying the "Right" thing up front not because he believes it, but because it gives him something to point to indignantly if anyone challenges all the other things he doesn't quite say but certainly implies or implicitly supports. This kind of self-contradiction is a shield and a mask; the pretense of support allowing him the access to undermine.

Which is what plays out immediately after - Imogen voices his implication ("It's kind of dumb"), which lets Jonathan be "supportive" by saying that the issue is actually money but (a) he doesn't actually do anything to say it isn't dumb (like answer "what am I gonna do with it?" with something supportive) and (b) then reinforces Imogen's self-doubting "I don't even know what I would study."

Speaking of that money comment!

Importantly, Jonathan isn't lying here. There's no reason to believe any of the objective statements he's making are untrue (although, like Imogen's lawyer in the current chapter, I am waiting for Jonathan to make a full financial disclosure). College is spendy. They probably do need to budget for a new car. They probably did just finish paying off Jonathan's student loans.

The issue isn't that he's lying. It's that he's using the truth to create a false implication that he leaves for Imogen to voice. That no longer having that debt to service somehow makes them less able to afford an additional expense (because this expense would increase Imogen's independence and relative power, not Jonathan's).

Additionally - by introducing the money comment without truly resolving the "is this a good idea" question, Jonathan has left Imogen fighting a battle on multiple fronts; She can't unpick the way A ("We can't afford this") does not actually follow from B ("We just paid off Jonathan's loans") because she's still dealing with "What would I even study?"

Which is why, when Jonathan directly attacks her initial position ("I'd still be around for the kids") by implying that she would be abandoning her maternal role by going back to school, Imogen - overwhelmed and undermined - capitulates.

And Jonathan steams ahead, firmly boxing her in and chaining her to the identity of "Mom", to the exclusion of any other aspirations.

-------------

And - this is gaslighting. The interaction boils down to:

Imogen: "I want to go to college."

Jonathan: "Do you really want that? Really? Seems pretty bad and wrong."

Imogen: "Oh yes, of course you're right. Aren't I a silly goose?"

Jonathan: "Aw, but you're my silly goose! You don't want an independent life! You (only ever) want to be mother to my children."

It's about rejecting the idea that Imogen knows her own mind, and asserting that she should look to Jonathan as the true authority on her identity, wants, and feelings. The fact that he never yelled, spoke a technical untruth, or said "You're crazy/stupid/lying/confused" with his own voice does not change that.

(And the way that Imogen reflexively moves to align herself to Jonathan's assertions - and that Jonathan so clearly expects her to - tells us that this is a normal dynamic for them.)

[frostyreturns]

People make up these contrived food debates and it’s become semi-normal online because everyone has this discourse area of their brain that they can’t channel into any serious topics without risking the wrath of some mob of ideologues. So people pick safe fake controversial topics and pretend to care very deeply about them. It’s also because most media is run by extremely left wing people whose serious ideas don’t stand up to any scrutiny at all. So subjects regarding political orthodoxy are just spoken of as a given and unchangeable fact that’s not up for debate. So instead of offering topics like can you actually change your gender they ask is a hot dog a sandwich, instead of asking does the government have any right to mandate medical procedures they ask is a toasted bagel an open face butter sandwich? 

It’s annoying because the answer to all these hypotheticals is found in the litmus test of asking for it. If I order x and they bring me y and I do not get what I was asking for then no it’s something different. If I go to a tea house and order a tea and they bring me chicken soup they have failed the task I have not recieved what I asked for therefore no chicken soup is not a savoury animal based tea stop pretending to be dumb. We have a colloquial understanding of words and that is more important than how it is defined, and you don’t need to fully define the difference between two categories of things in order to recognize them as being different. we do not define things simply based on what a book says it is... we also categorize things into specific subcategories for a reason. 

A hot dog is not a sandwich for the same reason a hot dog is not a sausage because there are specific differences that we chose to give different words and different meanings. If I order a sausage and pepper penne and it has little hot dogs in it you have screwed up the order. If I say I’m making you a soup and bring you a bowl of frosted flakes I have misled you therefore cereal is not a cold milk based, grain soup or whatever other nonsense people try to claim to be fake controversial.

It’s also a matter of spirit of the law vs definition. Definitions can be flawed but our understanding goes beyond words. Look at academia, whenever they want to twist someones brains into pretzels and make them forget what their eyes can plainly see...they alter and change a definition.

 Like hamburgers are also not a sandwich, even though it meets all technical criteria most people have for a sandwich it’s not one. It used to be, when hamburgers were invented they were called hot hamburger sandwiches. You can argue it’s a subcategory of sandwich but that’s not what people mean when they use the word anymore. They have become so ubiquitous and have set themselves apart as their own specific thing that we dropped the sandwich part for a reason. The form of the meat, the kind of topping and the type and form of the bread make it its own thing. It is a subcategory that broke out from the category and is it’s own thing it’s a sub category of a burger a word we invented for this specific category of thing. If I ask for a type of sandwich I’m not asking for a hamburger. A hamburger is a type of burger just like a chicken burger is another type of burger. What people mean when they say a thing is what that thing is, it doesn’t change what it is because you struggle to put into words why all people have classified it differently. 

What we have done is essentially the opposite of newspeak, we invented new words to better understand and classify the world and through everyday usage and colloquial understanding those words took on new meaning. These debates are not exactly newspeak but they do come across like an attempt to regress understanding back to the days of infancy. Where everything with four legs is a dog, a cat is just a smaller skittish dog, a skunk is just a smelly striped dog. And all new categories must be understood under the banner of a different category and justified as being different. 

Is a hot pocket a ravioli...no because a hot pocket is a hot pocket and ravioli is ravioli. Things can be very similar technically and still be other things and this idea that we need to sit around and debate what makes clearly different things different is retarded. 

If you disagree I don’t care it’s not worth discussion, I’m also not going to debate pineapple as a pizza topping, the world is burning who cares.

[miserablecool]

Philosophy is fun for like 5 seconds until you encounter literally any actual material on the subject and you suddenly remember that it's all bullshit

[itsclydebitches]

The thing that feels disingenuous about Miles answer about Ironwood is that he was part of the writing staff that framed the general as a cool character to start with. I do think that the signs about Ironwood's evil were clear since V2 and in V7 he was an outright dictator from episode 1. Nonetheless, he was still consistently framed as a cool character, someone you can trust and rely. You don't get to blame the fans for liking a genocide if you was the one framed him as cool in the first place.

I actually don’t think being cool is the problem. If we’re satirizing and/or making a  statement about the toxic masculinity that leads to something like a dictatorship, then being “cool” is a crucial part of that. People don’t leverage the power they have by looking lame, they do so by appearing desirable, enviable, awesome. Being in the military is supposedly “cool.” Being a white guy with a giant gun is supposedly “cool.” Having power over an entire nation is supposedly “cool,” etc. If you only make such characters look revolting  — even when they are  — then you miss one of the main recruitment tools for this kind of rhetoric. Any version of Ironwood that’s meant to make a point about the dangers of following someone like him needs to make him look “cool” and then deconstruct that, pointing out the ways in which this cool veneer is a lie meant to pull you in. To do otherwise is to claim that evil people are always easy to spot. Making your villains “uncool” implies that the people who do appear cool in real life must be fine then. That good looking, charismatic leader is great. Why would I look critically at his actions? He’s too cool to be evil. 

My personal problem is not that “They made the dictator look cool and we can’t possibly expect the audience to tell the difference between someone who is truly good and someone who is just using various Cool Points to skate by” because that would be the point of such a character  — the work the show needs to do. My problem is that RWBY didn’t do that work. At least, not to the extent they needed to. Rather than making Ironwood a truly heinous character (prior to Volume 7 ‘s shooting, I mean) and allowing the audience to learn how appearing cool can’t hide that, they just made him good person. Straight up. Flawed, absolutely, but no worse than any of the other character on screen, particularly post Volume 6 when our heroes are frequently putting people in danger, seizing power, telling lies, keeping secrets, and generally acting in the ways we’re supposedly meant to condemn Ironwood for. Since talk of Miles’ vid last night I’ve seen three separate “Ironwood was always bad, idk how people can miss the signs” posts and those people are half right. There 100% were signs we were meant to pick up on. The problem is RWBY then went and deconstructed those signs. Ironwood didn’t just bring an army to a peace festival, he brought an army to an event he had good reason to believe wasn’t peaceful  — and he was right. Ironwood didn’t wrest control from Ozpin (using a series of checks and balances that exist for this very purpose...) because he has an obsession with being in control, he did so because he honestly believed Ozpin was putting people in danger  — and he was right. Ironwood didn’t step up post-Fall because he arrogantly believes he’s the only one capable of saving Remnant, he did so because he’s actually the most qualified: a fully trained huntsmen leading an Academy (like Ozpin) with an army and knowledge of this secret war. What, was Ironwood supposed to read the script and wait for the group of dropout teenagers to arrive and save the world instead? To say nothing of how his power and responsibility are framed as sacrifices, not something he sought out. Ironwood doesn’t want to be the sole ruler here. His desperate relief at having allies again proves it. Good setup for the rise of a dictator would have been Ironwood being cagey with his information and exerting control over the group... not telling them everything, not giving them more power, not letting them keep the Lamp, not taking arrest off the table so as to keep them in line, and generally doing the opposite of everything he did do to share that responsibility and power. RWBY got very good at giving us the first half of these red flags  — he has an army, he’s stubborn, he’s hurting Mantle, etc.  — but then time and time again introduced a context that changed that flag dramatically: they are fighting literal monsters, he’s no more stubborn than our title character, hurting Mantle is a consequence of a plan he thinks will help the whole world and our heroes back this. Those who insist that Ironwood was 100% a villain in the making (or a villain already) prior to shooting Oscar are working from their assumption of what his archetype represents, not what RT actually put on screen. Because RT is just really bad at writing a dictator character. They didn’t have the skill to manage someone who only appeared good on the surface, let alone a character with the complex nuance of wielding “coolness” to their advantage, which is why in Volume 8 they had to resort to cartoon villainy with literal, evil spotlights. It’s not that the audience is too dumb to pick up on those red flags, it’s that RT couldn’t manage to plant them without continually introducing valid justifications. You can’t say, “Bringing an army is a bad thing. Look at this dictator coding!” without me going, “Yeah, except in the fictional world you created an army does not represent the problems it does in our real life societies. This isn’t a guy amassing soldiers to go after oil, he’s trying to protect people from monsters. Not even metaphoric monsters acting as stand-ins for a minority group. Literal, evil monsters!” RWBY ignores its own context and a good chunk of the fandom ignored it too. 

The problem with that (besides the general frustration of someone ignoring parts of canon to forward a particular reading) is that the fandom’s go-to claim is that everything is meaningful  — and it’s a reading the writers very much support. Fans do not, as the above attests, push for a simple reading of, “Don’t think too hard about it. Just take the surface reading and run with it” which, while still frustrating, would have at least been a valid stance. Rather, they insist very strongly that nuance and depth are what drive the show. From the song lyrics to a tiny detail in the opening, everything is important and if you don’t accept that then you can’t appreciate RWBY’s complexity. 

“Okay,” I said. “Then in that case Ironwood coming around to Ozpin’s position is meaningful too? Glynda  — one of our best and most faultless characters  — supporting him is meaningful? Flipping his gun, defending Weiss, Qrow writing to him, the group working with him for months on end... all of it is meaningful to his characterization? You said so yourself.” 

“No, no, no,” comes the reply. “He’s just bad. But he’s also nuanced. He’s tricked you into thinking he’s a good person by acting kind sometimes, by getting support sometimes, but none of that is true. His actions are what matter and his actions are simplistically bad.” 

“Ohhhh. So then does that mean this story is really about the creation of a villain?” 

“Huh?” 

“Well, Ruby. She’s ‘nuanced’ in the same way. She acts kind sometimes and gets support, but her actions are terrible. She endangered an entire city because she couldn’t wait to see if Ironwood got his letter. She condemned Ozpin for keeping secrets about Salem and then kept those same secrets just two days later. When the kingdom was under attack she sat around drinking tea, crying on a staircase, just hoping someone would come fix things for her  — all while actively sabotaging the one person who was trying to save people, even if that action seems silly to us (let’s fly really high). So if we’re looking at the impact of someone’s actions outside of their intent, as we just did with Ironwood, then she’s a bad guy too, yeah?” 

“No! She’s the hero!” 

“... these characters don’t know she’s the hero from a meta perspective. If we’re supposed to judge the meaning of RWBY based on these details — ” 

“But it’s not just the details. It’s also the allusions. Everyone in RWBY is based on another person or character. It’s very complex and that inspiration drives their story, so if you don’t have that information it’s no surprise you’re confused. For example, this is why Penny had to get a human body. That’s what happened to Pinocchio!” 

“Oh! So then Ironwood is destined to be a good guy!” 

“What?” 

“Well, you just said the allusions drive their stories, right? The whole point of the Tin Man is that he always had a heart and just needed to realize that. So clearly — “ 

“No! He’s supposed to be a classic dictator, he’s only bad!” 

And ‘round and ‘round we go. RWBY’s writing is atrocious yet the fandom pushes this narrative that it’s all a complex, multi-layered story that requires taking every part into account to understand the “real” message... but when you try to do that with certain characters like Ozpin and Ironwood it’s, “No, actually, they’re just simple archetypes of Bad Men.” Nuance exists for the bees, but not other ships. It exists for the characters fans like, but not the ones they don’t. And RWBY’s inspirations have to predict the ending for this character... but not that other character. It’s a nonsense grab bag! 

Fans are right that Ironwood had a lot of red flags to set up this downfall. Fans are also right that those red flags were severely undercut, thus reversing their impact. Fans are right that Ironwood becomes a 100% bad guy who kills because he can and threatens to bomb a city. Fans are also right that this characterization feels absurd for Ironwood, both in terms of his morality and his intelligence (how does bombing Mantle help you now??) Ironwood is badly written. He was badly written in 7 and 8, if he was always meant to be a dictator in the making then he was badly written in 2-6, and he’s conclusively badly written when it comes to lacking a backstory and a canonical semblance  — two things are are supposedly driving all of this characterization. That’s the answer: not that he’s good, or bad, but that RWBY can’t write a consistent character, let alone a nuanced one, so it’s no surprise the fandom can’t decide on anything. What’s there to decide on? It’s that nonsense grab bag. In a different show I think making the dictator appear cool would be a crucial bit of commentary, but RWBY doesn’t have the skill to pull that off. 

[noethicalconsumptionunderdisney]

Hogwarts Sorting Profile: Max Russo

So, confession time: Initially, I wasn’t actually planning on writing one of these for him.  I’m sorry!  I love Max, but he’s often in the background of Wizards of Waverly Place and just has these really random plots thrown in his direction, rather than interesting character-exploration-type shit like the main sibs.  (Which, to be fair, is probably why some of y’all might be curious what I’m going to say about him.)

But I was thinking about what makes Max so odd as a character, and specifically I was thinking about him in comparison to other characters of his archetype in the Disney Channel-verse.  Because we’ve seen the messy, funny, underachieving brother character a lot, but they come in very different flavors.  Part of that for Max is that he shares some of those traits with Alex in contrast to the overachieving, overly serious Justin, but part of that is… Max often seems to be in his own little world, incomprehensible to mortals and wizards alike, and generally takes in the “real-world” around him with a shrug.  He still cares about the “real-world” when it suits him, but he’s often kind of divorced from it, and that discovery fascinated me.  Furthermore, it made his Sorting “click.”

We’ll start off easy: what does Max do?  The answer is… he’ll do pretty much anything.  He’s not a Burned Secondary, though, he just doesn’t give a fuck.  Max is every bit the Slytherin Secondary that Alex is, we just don’t usually notice because he spends most of his time in his Neutral State.

The Slytherin Secondary’s Neutral State is blunt, rough, and often unphased by stepping on people’s toes. It’s easy to mistake this for a Gryffindor Secondary’s honesty, but it comes from a different place: comfort, relaxation, and/or apathy.  It doesn’t inspire or motivate so much as sit back and do as it pleases, and the Neutral State’s honesty is there for convenience rather than necessity— if a different tactic will work better, a Slytherin Secondary can ditch their honesty and change direction far more easily than a Gryffindor Secondary.

Max isn’t exactly shy about saying what’s on his mind, even if it’s usually dismissed as nonsense.  He also does seem to charge into situations without a care sometimes, but that’s the thing: he’s able to charge into those situations because he doesn’t care.  When he tests out the zombies’ No-Fear Ring, it doesn’t work on him because he’s already fearless.  So while some Slytherin Secondaries are nervous about showing their honesty to others and only show their Neutral State when they’re home safe with people they’re comfortable with, Max lives in his honest Neutral State because he feels comfortable and safe most of the time… even in situations where he really, really shouldn’t.

Curiously, one situation where he doesn’t feel comfortable or safe has very little to do with actual danger, but about personal identity: when he’s turned into Maxine.  And in Maxine’s body, he’s a lot more manipulative.

“You know, I can’t help it if people think I’m cute.  Watch how I make it work for me.”

As Maxine, he uses his cuteness to get out of chores, to get revenge on Alex and Justin in karate, to guilt dishonest customers out of cheating his parents, and comes up with a plan to talk his “boy self” up to a girl he likes as Maxine so that she’ll like him when he changes back.  Yeah, can’t imagine why Maxine reminded Jerry and Theresa so much of Alex…

But there are Slytherin Secondary indications from Max in his usual form as well.

He has no qualms about outright lying — inventing a fake illness to get out of P.E., pretending to be “Tom Sawyer” so he wouldn’t be embarrassed by/compared to his family — but he prefers obfuscation, aka confusing people with his “Max-ness.”

“How do you get your brother to say what’s really on his mind?”

“Oh, I use randomness.”

“What?”

“Well, I just say random things and while people are trying to figure it out, they say stuff that’s on their mind.”

One example of this tactic being employed successfully is with the Genie.  While Alex fails to outsmart the Genie using her quick wits, as the Genie is every bit as cunning as her, Max figures out a way to piss off the Genie enough to blackmail her, then talks circles around her and confuses her until she reveals a way for them to undo her wishes.  Alex calls it “outdumbing” her, but in any case, he succeeded where she failed, and showed that he’s more capable than often assumed.

We get another rare moment of clarity from Max during “Alex Tells The World.”  

“Alex, you know you can’t reveal magic!”

“Oh, even I know that. That’s why I just make people think I’m dumb so if I slip up, ehh, they figure, the kid’s an idiot.  And I slip up all the time, so.  Who’s dumb now?”

Max’s admission that he “slips up all the time” isn’t exactly reassuring, but it is telling that he’s the only one who doesn’t reveal magic during both the Season 4 Premiere and the Season 3 Finale.  Perhaps it was dumb luck that got him there, but I think there’s more to it than that.  There’s a method to his madness.  There’s a logic to it, even if Max’s logic often doesn’t follow all the way through.

Which leads me to his Primary— Ravenclaw.  (LOOK I KNOW. HEAR ME OUT.)

Yes, Max is often seen as “the dumb one.”  Yes, Ravenclaws are perceived as “the smart house.”  And while I’ve just demonstrated that there’s a brain under all the Max weirdness, I’m not about to argue that he’s secretly a genius.  He misses the mark more often than he hits it, and oftentimes when he hits it, it’s through coincidence or dumb luck or Insane Troll Logic that’s impossible for anyone but Max to follow.  But I do believe he operates on logic, just his own wacky version of it.

The thing about Max is that he’s neither as dumb as most people think he is, nor is he as smart as he thinks he is.  He’s somewhere in between, and the fact that people never quite know where exactly he falls on that scale is kind of the point.

In fact, part of the reason I struggled with Max was because I was trying to figure out where exactly he did fit in:

He can be selfish enough at times to argue Slytherin Primary, the stereotypically “selfish” House, but he’s missing Justin’s protective streak.  He doesn’t feel that same sense of duty towards his family that Justin does; when Mason breaks Alex’s heart in “Wizards vs. Werewolves,” Justin turns on him instantly because he Hurt His Little Sister And Is Therefore Bad, while Max is the one most willing to give Mason a chance, because he has his own reasons for wanting Mason in his life.  Yet, he still clearly cares enough about his family to rule out the possibility that they don’t factor into his morality at all, not to mention how easy it is for them to influence him.  

His more humble ending of inheriting his father’s sub shop might make people think Hufflepuff Primary, but there’s even less justification for such a sorting upon scrutiny.  As I’ve touched on above, the staunch loyalty to community isn’t all that important to him, and he’s also not all that into traditions.  There’s no compulsion to help strangers, he doesn’t really make enemies but he kind of just ignores people he doesn’t like (or shatters them in a million pieces on accident), and let’s not forget that he unleashed countless monsters in New York City that killed all the Monster Hunters just to win the competition… even if he did do it when his Conscience was separate from the rest of him.  Not exactly behavior you’d expect from the morality system of “a person’s a person no matter how small.”

Speaking of Conscience, it’s notable that he argues with it, rather than accepting his advice. I’m still a little unclear as to how much this matters (there’s definitely room to argue that most of his brain went into Conscience as well, and that whole plotline was… weird), but even with his Conscience inside his body, he seems to lack that moral drive Alex has.  Gryffindor Primaries have this embedded sense of justice deep within their characters. Even when it’s hidden most of the time, like in Alex’s case, or when it becomes twisted into something dark and dangerous, or becomes Stripped of its certainty, there’s still this sense that there is Right and Wrong in this world, that trusting your gut should lead you to the right conclusion, and that it’s wrong to ignore it.  I have a hard time remembering if there’s really any situation where Max gets that gut feeling of Something Being Wrong at all, much less acting on it with a Heroic Plan… at least, not without convincing.

But Max can be convinced, and that’s key.  Alex often takes advantage of this to manipulate him for her own selfish ends, such as talking him into paying her for handing out fliers to her zombie prom, but more often it’s his parents that act as his voice of reason, whether it’s convincing him to go after the “deli robber,” convincing him to give his siblings a fair shot at the Wizard Competition, or convincing him to tell his girlfriend the truth… and then unconvincing him of that when he takes it too literally and tells her he’s a wizard.  

Actually, Max is prone to misinterpreting advice in this way while trying to follow it to the letter— he does this when he tries to sell fountain water with a puppy, as well, because his mom told him to “add something to it.”  I think he is, to an extent, aware of his own intellectual limits.  He knows he misses the mark a lot of the time, so he’s often willing to trust other people’s judgment over his own, so long as they can get it through to him in a way that he thinks makes sense.

But beyond that, he’s often willing to question “common knowledge” in a way the other characters don’t. When Justin tries to tell him he can’t make life out of the stuff from his room, he simply replies, “Where’s it say that?”  In season 4, when there’s a distinct possibility that he’ll win the competition, he expands the sub shop business by making the Wizard Portal into a Drive-Thru, which genuinely worked as a business plan until Jerry took it too far.  Later that season, he saves his siblings by creating a black hole and then jumping through it to pull them to safety from the black hole in Alex’s apartment.  Like, that was his idea.  He came up with that.  It was weird, it was risky, it was unconventional, it could’ve been incredibly stupid… and it worked.

And that’s what I keep coming back to with this Ravenclaw Primary sorting— that sense of ingenuity, curiosity, and the willingness to experiment.  On one hand, you have your System Claws, who are dedicated to The Rules because they’ve been convinced that living by them is The Best Way To Live, and on the other hand, you have those that are willing to challenge conventional wisdom and try new things.  It’s this willingness to question that I personally attribute to a Ravenclaw mentality, rather than inherent intellectual ability or a large knowledgebase.  While Max may not have the latter, he has the former in spades, and that, more than anything, is really what told me that he truly belongs here.

Conclusion:

Max Russo is a Ravenclaw Primary and a Slytherin Secondary.

As a Slytherin Secondary, Max often likes to confuse and obfuscate to get what he wants, is flexible in his methods, and can even be manipulative when he wants to be.  He’s also relatively comfortable with himself, thus he often lives in a Neutral State where he says whatever’s on his mind without thinking much about danger or whether he’ll be understood.

His Ravenclaw Primary is as curious as it is undefined, and operates on a logic that only Max truly understands.  While this leads him astray more often than not, this also allows him to break from tradition and try new things, and this unconventional thinking can sometimes lead to better solutions than anyone else could’ve come up with.  However, it also comes with a set of brakes in the form of taking input from others.  It’s not always easy to get through to Max, but he can be reasoned with, which in his case, is probably for the best. 

In this combination, we find a character who truly dances to the beat of his own drum.  As the most flexible Secondary and Primary, respectively, Max is a conundrum to most who meet him, confusing even to those who know him best.  That said, being the Russo who “goes with the flow” the most often, he’s also probably the Russo that has the most fun.  He’s certainly more fun to write about than I was expecting him to be!  I’m glad I did, and it’s good to be back.

[onslaughtsixdotcom]

Scaling Up Dragon Heist

Around April or May of 2019, I started to run Waterdeep: Dragon Heist, one of the official WotC 5e hardcovers. I’m still not done with it, although that is largely the fault of COVID and my own extensions to the campaign. 

I think Dragon Heist is one of the better 5e modules by WotC. I think it’s got a strong playground for the characters, and Waterdeep has 30+ years of publication history to draw on. The release of the module also heralded in a HUGE amount of third party extension content, including the famous Alexandrian Remix. I hadn’t heard of this before I started running my campaign and having ideas about how to do it, so it didn’t influence me--although I’m sure we came to a lot of similar conclusions and ideas, based on common perceptions of what the actual flaws are of the module.

Still, despite those flaws, I think they help the module rather than hinder it. It gives the DM a shitload of room to improvise and draw in the margins, rather than some other 5e adventures which feel like they can’t be fucked with in the least.

Here’s the kicker: I started my adventure at level 4. We had a pre-existing party that I had run through the classic N1: Against the Cult of the Reptile God. (Fun fact: A map that I drew is the 3rd Google Images result for that. Woah.)

The party spent a few real-world weeks traveling across about 7 days of overland travel where I ran some drop in one shots; including Mike Krahulik’s Dusk (a Twilight parody) and a really fun 2 hour diversion where the players saw an ancient blue dragon take off the roof of a church during a wedding. Then they arrived in my city: Dawnharbour.

I don’t run the Forgotten Realms. I find it not to my taste. Most of the names suck. The lore is invariably boring or weird, and not the fun kind of weird. I was going to run Dragon Heist, and I was going to put it in my own city. I gave the players some justification previously for why they would want to go there: The cleric’s sister had been kidnapped by the Cult of the Reptile God and turned into a Yuanti; a snake person. The bard had stolen a golden statue of the Reptile God and wanted to melt it down and plate his violin with it. I told the cleric that they would need a high level magic user and someone in Dawnharbour could probably help them; ditto the bard needing a highly skilled magical blacksmith. The third player didn’t really care where they went since he was on the run from his home country. So, off to Dawnharbour. They reached level 4 when they got to the city.

I won’t bore you with the rest of the details of my city or everything I changed for the campaign. Instead, I’ll talk up some hard and fast ways to make the adventure work for a higher level party. Most of them revolve around the encounters. I’m assuming the party will start around level 4 or 5.

Chapter 1

The book opens with the players in the Yawning Portal, a famous tavern with a big ass well to a megadungeon underneath. (More on this later.) They’re hanging out doing whatever when a troll and some stirges pop out of the well. The book says that the players get attacked by the stirges while the owner of the bar, a typical Forgotten Realms 15th level Fighter running a fucking bar for a living deals with the troll.

A troll is CR 5. They can handle a troll. If they can’t, you have a bigger problem.

Next up the book leads them to a Zhentarim warehouse. When they get there it’s abandoned and there are (ugh) 3 Kenku. Kenku are like tengu if they sucked. They’re bird people who can only speak in mimickry, like parrots. They can only repeat words they’ve heard before. This is stupid as fuck (especially when a player wants to be one) but more importantly, they are incredibly weak. I think the kenku are just hanging out or they got captured by the Zhentarim who left them there after they bail or something like that. Whatever.

I put the Zhentarim there instead. I put like 20 Zhentarim. I used the Spy statblock; they don’t have a lot of CR and at level 4 or 5, the players are real slice and dicey about killing them. They can basically carve through two of these dudes in a turn. It was *really* fun to just have the players mow down these mooks. They used the 2nd floor to their advantage, casting Grease on the stairs and creating a bottleneck and then picking them off with ranged attacks and spells. I think I might have given the Zhents 1hp and treated them as minions (see 4e). 

I think I had the police show up after they were all dead; someone heard the commotion and called the cops. I think I also put an NPC there; I shuffled around a bunch of the NPCs the module uses. (They got their quest to save Volo from Bigby in the Yawning Portal; instead of finding Volo here, I think they found my equivalent of Renaer Neverremember.) There was a day’s break between this and them going into the sewers in the next part.

The sewer introduces the Xanathar’s minions. I believe a Duergar is actually there and I took this as a sign--I made most of Xanathar’s mooks Duergar, and then decided--this dude is a Beholder and he has a Mindflayer for a lieutenant. The Xanathar’s forces should ALL be classic D&D dungeon monsters, like rust monsters and umber hulks and ropers. This gives you a wide variety of weird shit you can throw at your players at different CR levels, and the idea of a gangster Beholder who thinks hiring a bunch of umber hulks to go shake down a local deli is fucking hilarious. But, it doesn’t make them any less dangerous. Throw some umber hulks or something in this lair. Go nuts--the weirder, the better. Xanathar’s crew should have no qualm about hanging out with a gibbering mouther or a carrion crawler.

Chapter 2

Chapter 2 is the least developed chapter in the book. It also revolved around a bunch of Forgotten Realms faction nonsense that I wanted nothing to do with. I used this time instead to formally introduce the Xanathar, the Cassalanters and Jarlaxle. After they foiled his plans to rig a goldfish competition (think a dog show but for fish), the Xanathar became convinced the players worked for the Zhentarim and invited them to have a sit down about their intentions; if they worked for the Zhents he wanted to formally declare war. The players hated the Zhents--they killed an NPC they liked back during N1, partially to set this all up. Xanny was cool with that.

The Cassalanters were a way to introduce a new player. They call up the Blackstaff to say, hey we have a magic item, can you send a guy here to deliver it? (Magic item possession is illegal on the streets in my setting, but if someone important hires you to transport it, then you can do it. This makes being a courier a very lucrative job; lots of people are just carrying around other people’s stuff for a living.) They almost immediately knock out the new player sent to pick up the item, and replace him with their dofflegagher. The idea was that the dofflegagher player would then infiltrate the Blackstaff’s organization.

Blackstaff is no dumbass and hired a random dude off the street--my new player. Then, Blackstaff hired the rest of the party to go rescue him--mostly as a ruse to snuff out the Cassalanters and get evidence that they were shitty.

When they encountered the Cassalanters, I used a Cambion; one of their servants turned into him. This guy slowly became a recurring lieutenant; he was basically the Goldar for the Cassalanter’s Lord Zedd and Rita Repulsa. At the time, I hadn’t read any lore for Cambions; I’m not particularly concerned with monster lore the way the guys who make the game write it. I literally thumbed through my deck of monsters, saw this winged devil horn dude, and said, “Right on, he looks like he’ll work.” A Cambion is CR5, more than suitable for the encounters the party will have with him over the next few levels. The Fiendish Charm ability is fun and can really fuck with the players; I ruled, of course, that anyone under its affect would obviously be free if the Cambion was killed. Even after it was killed, he just kept on coming back, because he’s from Hell and killing him on this plane doesn’t really do anything.

As the players continue to face the Cassalanters, a go-to seems to be spined devils. This is fine but not very powerful for a level 4, 5, 6 party. Therefore I suggest supplanting it with barbed devils. They’re CR5. Adding one or two of those to an encounter with spined devils can make this a real fun encounter that isn’t too horribly overwhelming, especially if at least one of your martial characters has a magic weapon (which they fucking should; they’re level 5!)

IMO you can also introduce Jarlaxle in this chapter; a fun way is through his Zardoz Zord persona. It could simply be that Jarlaxle knows Volo (or any other NPC the players know) and wants to invite them to a free meal to get to know them. In my game, Jarlaxle operates openly as himself (I found it would just complicate things if he was someone else) and invited the players to his yacht shortly after they met the Xanathar, to formally tell them all about the Vault of Dragons, the Stone, and how everyone they have met in the city is after it.

Chapter 3

I am not the biggest fan of this part of the module. I think nimblewrights and similar creatures are really dumb and don’t fit my D&D world. A lot of the stuff in this chapter is investigation stuff, and you can play that out however you like. It doesn’t drastically need scaling up, though you may have to account for something like Zone of Truth that they might not normally have access to. It also helps if you do the opposite of the book, and make the police a bunch of shitheads who don’t care about the city--this way the players are actually motivated to help. I’ve seen a LOT of posts that open with “the fireball happened and my players shrugged and said they would let the police handle it.” Horrible! The police should either be incompetent, apathetic, or (best case) both. They don’t care who did this and if they did, they wouldn’t be able to catch them. Now it’s completely on the players.

IMO it also helps if you do the leg work to make the NPC someone they actually care about. In the book it’s an NPC they’ve never met but they have a mutual acquaintance through--it would be nice if they get invited to a dinner with this NPC or something similar prior to this. Or, change it to be any NPC they like who you don’t mind killing. Hell, they’re level 5 or 6 at this point--if they got a cleric, they can even cast Revivify and wake the dude up. They could even cast Speak With Dead and immediately find out who blew him up or what he was doing here!

Moving on, there’s the Gralland Villa. I retooled the name to actually sound like a good name; sue me. 

The book has a bunch of Zhents hanging out here. A simple way to make this dramatic and hard is to pull the trigger and make the players fight their way in. The stone is right here at the villa and they need to steal it. Sounds simple enough.

Things got complicated for my party when a recurring NPC appeared. She was an ex girlfriend of the bard in our party; they were both Tieflings. She now worked for the Zhentarim and was basically their second in command. And she was here to steal the stone, come Hell or high water. The bard, still in love with her, was perfectly content to let her steal it and even cover her getaway. The rest of the players, not so much, but when the chaos was ensuing and she was literally running past them with the stone in hand, made the decision that it was smarter to try and help her escape and then figure out how to get the stone from her later, than try and get it from her now.

This led literally directly to chapter 4.

Chapter 4

By now it’s obvious: I used all 4 bad guys.

I ran through the chapter and picked the coolest maps and best encounter ideas, including the rooftop chase, the theater, the sewer and the courthouse. I weaved them together carefully, and all the changes I had made to the groups paid off when they entered the theater, chased by barbed devils and our Cambion friend, only to have an Umber Hulk with the Xanathar’s logo painted on his face crash through the stage, flanked by two Duergar. Add in some Drow gunslingers and it was a fucking party.

(the large hexagon is where somebody cast Darkness; the big scuffed circle is a grody spot on my grid tiles. I still need new ones...)

The courthouse had a great scene where the Cassalanter dofflegagher impersonated the chief of police, interrogating the players for the code word to activate the stone (I added one; who cares?) until the real chief of police showed up! The players had to do an entire encounter with this guy while handcuffed; thank god for verbal only spells, right? 

From here the stone ended up with the players, and then it ended up with Jarlaxle who they are working for. Jarlaxle attuned to it and told them the Vault of Dragons is inside Undermountain; 3, 5 levels deep? Who knows? And it requires 3 keys: The Crown of Asmodeus, the Ring of Winter, and the Robe of the Archmagi.

I gave these 3 magic items to the Cassalanters, the Xanathar and Manshoon. This is a pretty common hack and it means the lairs in the book actually get used. I made up one of the magic items (Crown of Asmodeus) and stole another from a module I don’t intend to run as written (the Ring of Winter is, I believe, in either Tomb of Annihilation or Storm King’s Thunder). They’re fun!

So the rest of the campaign has been the players bouncing between going deep into Undermountain, the megadungeon underneath the Yawning Portal, and going to the 3 different villain factions to steal their shit. 

The villain lairs are NOT statted for level 5 players AT ALL. The players have no hope of actually killing ANY of the villains at level 5; to fight the Xanathar is a pure TPK at level 5. But at level 8, like where my players are now? One of them died and then got Revivified; the others all survived or made their saves when they were hit by death or disintegration. (In the spirit of the Xanathar, I rolled every eye beam randomly, rerolling if I had used that ray in the last round.) That’s about the best you can hope for with a Beholder IMO! 

The rest of the lairs you can mostly run as-is. Any very low CR mooks, basically anything lower than 1 or 2 CR, I would probably replace with a higher CR variant. We’ve already discussed what you can replace them with above, and if you’ve made it this far into the module, you should have a pretty good sense of what your players can handle.

[skinks]

hi!!! what are your favourite movies? like actually good ones but also any trashy comfort movies? is IT (2017) one of them?

Hello!! IT (2017) IS ABSOLUTELY ONE OF THEM oh man, thank you for this, I love talking about movies!!!! This is possibly the most difficult question you could have asked me. Apologies for how absolutely off the rails this got, I just... love movies so much lmao

I’ve said this before, but opening night of IT ch1 was the best cinema experience I’ve ever had, I’m so glad I got to see it with a fully packed audience who were all laughing and screaming together the whole way through. I’m a huge fan of... everything ch1 was doing, the 80s nostalgia, the summer-coming-of-age themes, the solid ghost train funhouse JOY of the Pennywise performance and scares, the washed-out cinematography, the tiny background details to make everything that much more eerie, the kids’ ACTING?!

Like, a lot of the time I find child actors can be really awkward and stilted to watch, but I remember leaving the cinema really impressed by JDG and Sophia Lillis in particular. I liked that they were all allowed to be little shitheads with potty mouths, it felt like a callback to 80s movies like The Lost Boys or Stand By Me. The whole thing worked to make me really care about what happened to the kids (even if I do still have issues with how they handled Mike. I understand even ch1 had limitations with juggling so many characters, but still). I saw it another 2 times in the cinema and have rewatched it at least, I dunno, 7-10 more times since then?

Add to all of that the retroactive CANON R+E baby pining subplot? I just love it, as if that wasn’t obvious by now given my Whole Blog. It’s a really special movie to me!

Anyway!! Ok, the main handful of movies I rewatch all the fucking time are:

Back to the Future, The Lost Boys, Pride and Prejudice (2005), Jaws, Ferris Bueller’s Day Off, The Breakfast Club, Ocean’s 11, POTC 1, The Dark Knight, Inception, Die Hard, LOTR trilogy, Snatch, The Nice Guys, Logan Lucky, Mad Max Fury Road, Clueless, 10 Things I Hate About You, Billy Elliot, Dirty Dancing, Tomb Raider (2018)...

Those are the easily consumable ones that I’ve seen so many times I don’t really have to concentrate or think about them, but I really love them and unfortunately often KEEP rewatching them instead of new stuff. It would take too long to go into why I love all these movies so much because I could write the same amount as I already did for ITCH1, and everyone already knows why those movies are good, so, lol.

I think I’m gonna have to subdivide and categorise this whole post because there are too many separate criteria for... goOD MOVIES, AUUHH 😩

Okay so first off, HORROR MOVIES? I’m especially in love with Re-Animator (1985) and its sequel Bride of Re-Animator, they’re such good examples of camp and batshit 80s practical effects, and also EXTREMELY funny. I’m actually just gonna post my list of my fave horror movies that I do actually keep on my phone at all times lmao. These are in no particular order:

Wholeheartedly recommend every one of these. I’ve never been so scared in my life as I was watching Hereditary in the cinema, hoo boy. Mother! by Aronofsky is one of the strangest experiences I’ve ever had (and I actually saw it on the same day I saw IT ch1 for the first time!! That was a fun day)

Psycho (1960) and The Fly from 1986 should also be on there but I couldn’t fit them in the screenshot.

I’m a HUGE fan of a ton of martial arts movies too, like Kung Fu Hustle, Shaolin Soccer, Ip Man, The Raid movies, John Wick 3 is my fave of the trilogy, Drive from 1997 with Mark Dacascos is incredible, SPL 2, Ong-Bak, Operation Condor, Project A, Iron Monkey, and Zatoichi (2003) are some favourites.

My favourite Tarantino is Reservoir Dogs, fave Coen brothers are Raising Arizona, The Ballad of Buster Scruggs and O Brother Where Art Thou. Love some old-timey colour correction and weird offbeat dialogue. I also love Goodfellas!!! And Donnie Brasco! And The Firm, I’m so easy for any good crime/law/gangster/heist procedural like that, especially if they’re from the 80s or 90s in a super dated way.

Fave Disney movie is Tarzan, favourite Ghibli movies are Spirited Away and Lupin III. I remember watching Spirited Away during a thunderstorm one time and it being.... god! Transcendent! Favourite Pixar movie is The Incredibles (the first one. ALSO the documentary “The Pixar Story” is great and well worth a watch, it’s very comforting for some reason) and my favourite Dreamworks movies are HTTYD1 and Spirit: Stallion of the Cimmaron.

I tend to watch more anime movies than tv shows, so stuff like Akira, The Girl Who Leapt Through Time, Summer Wars, Journey to Agartha, and my ultimate fave anime is Sword of the Stranger (2008). The climactic fight in that movie is fucking stunning and should be counted in “bests fights” lists right alongside anything live action

Also if we’re talking animated movies another hearty favourite is Rango, and a Belgian stop-motion (which at one time I considered my favourite movie ever) called Panique Au Village (2009) which is one of the funniest movies ever made imo.

As for TRASHY movies, I’m not sure if that’s the right word for how I feel about these ones but.. dumb/silly/slightly guilty pleasure movies? Ones that I feel need some kind of justification lmfao

Troy - something u must know about me is that I’m a giant slut for the Assassin’s Creed franchise, so if a movie smashes historical and mythological nonsense together with fun costumes and sword fights, I’m gonna enjoy myself. Even if they should have made Achilles and Patroclus gay. Other movies in this vein are King Arthur: Legend of the Sword, and Immortals (2011)

Gods of Egypt - I know all the reasons this movie is whitewashed bullshit. But it was already bullshit with giant Anubis mecha and giant snakes and bad acting and ridiculous CGI and frankly I had a blast at the cinema (my friend who I forced to come with me did not have a blast. Sorry H***)

Avatar - yes, the one with the big blue people. This movie gets a lot of flack nowadays but I really do enjoy it just for the spectacle. The full CGI world technology was so new at the time and I love to wallow in the visuals and daydream about riding a cool dragon around in the jungle

George of the Jungle - I’ll defend this movie to the death ok this movie shaped me as a person, it is fucking hilarious and Brendan Fraser is the himbo to end all himbos. It’s perfect. The song Dela is perfect. I still want to write a reddie AU about it. It’s one of the best movies ever made and I’m not being ironic

Set It Up - I KNOW this is a dumb Netflix original romcom but consider this; it was funny and the leads had great chemistry. I got butterflies. I once watched it and then literally immediately set it back to the start so I could watch it again

The Brady Bunch Movie - when people talk about great satires or parodies you will see them bring up the same movies over and over again, Blazing Saddles, This Is Spinal Tap etc, but they never talk about The Brady Bunch Movie from 1995 for some reason, which they should. It is one of the funniest things I’ve ever seen and every time i watch it somehow it gets funnier

Some more general favourites that I do still love but don’t rewatch as often, and don’t wanna go into more detail about are:

Moon (2009), Crna Mačka Beli Mačor, The Sixth Sense, Parasite, The Handmaiden, Tremors, Wet Hot American Summer, Tucker and Dale vs Evil, What We Do In The Shadows, Hunt For the Wilderpeople, The Secret of My Success (I love kitschy 80s movies, is that obvious by now), The Green Mile, When Harry Met Sally, Rear Window, The Odd Couple, Breaking Away, Pan’s Labyrinth, To Kill A Mockingbird, The Eagle, Gladiator, The Artist, The Extraordinary Adventures of Adèle Blanc-Sec, Call Me By Your Name, Master and Commander, Pacific Rim, Kiss Kiss Bang Bang, Legend (1985), Emma. (2020), Flash Gordon, Trolljegeren, Hross í Oss, Beverly Hills Cop, Coming to America, WarGames, District 9, Ajeossi (2010), Tracks (2013), Sightseers, Mud (2012), Pitch Black, Four Lions, Shaun of the Dead, Starship Troopers, The Truman Show, Withnail & I....... Jesus Christ ok I need to stop

NOTABLE EXTREME FAVOURITES that I didn’t include in the regular rewatch list because they’re too heavy/not as well known/require more attention.:

Thin Red Line (1998), Badlands (1973) both dir. Terrence Malick

Malick’s brand of dreamy impressionistic filmmaking is something I find really appealing, both of these movies are gorgeous and unusual and poignant and, in the case of Thin Red Line at least, have a lot of things to say about a lot of rough subjects. I don’t totally understand all those things sometimes, but a theme with a lot of my favourite movies is that I’ll be more likely to love something long-term if it raises unanswered questions, or is surreal/esoteric etc. Plus the cinematography is incredible, and I wish there was a way to get Jim Caviezel’s narration from The Thin Red Line as an audiobook because it’s very poetic and soothing.

Let the Bullets Fly (2010) dir. Jiang Wen

This movie is WILD, it’s so much fun. It’s sprawling and intricate and epic and smart and really fucking funny, it! Has! Everything! A gang of very tolerant outlaws!! Jiang Wen’s beautiful broad chest!!! Chow Yun Fat absolutely DECIMATING the scenery, and the two of them outsmarting each other in order to gain control of a small Chinese town!!! Plus it’s long, but it packs so much nonsense and intrigue that it goes by really fast. Wow what a flick

A Field in England (2013) dir. Ben Wheatley

I know I included this in my horror list but aaaaahhh ahhhh Wheatley is one of my favourite directors (he also made Sightseers, and is directing the Tomb Raider sequel which makes me absolutely rabid.) This is a surreal black-and-white psychological horror black comedy set in the English Civil War about some deserters who may or may not meet the Devil in a field. People eat mushrooms. It’s bonkers. I love being blasted in the face with imagery that I don’t understand

Mandy (2018) dir. Panos Cosmatos

Speaking of being blasted in the face!!!!! This movie... I saw it in the cinema and I can’t even begin to explain the experience, but I’ll try. My favourite review site described it like this:

“...somewhere between a prog album cover come to life and a metal album cover come to life, and subscribes to both genre's artistic tendency towards maximalism: what it ends up being is basically naught else but two glorious hours of being pounded by bold colors...”

So, prog and metal are my two favourite genres of music. This movie opens with the quote “When I die, bury me deep, lay two speakers at my feet, put some headphones on my head and rock and roll me when I'm dead.” and then a King Crimson song, it is SURREAL to the nth degree, it’s violent and bizarre and Nic Cage forges a giant silver axe to destroy demonic bikers and there is a CHAINSAW DUEL. A galaxy swirls above a quarry. Multiple animated horror nightmare sequences. At one point a man says “you exude a cosmic darkness” and releases a live tiger. At another point Cage says, in a digitally deepened voice, “The psychotic drowns where the mystic swims. You’re drowning. I’m swimming.” and I haven’t stopped thinking about it for two years

Paper Moon (1973) dir. Peter Bogdanovich

Really fantastic movie set in the Great Depression (and also in black & white) about a conman and a little kid who may or may not be his daughter, running cons across the Midwest. It’s beautifully shot, so sharp and sweet and the progression of their dynamic is really well done because they’re played by an IRL father and daughter. Tatum O’Neal was NINE YEARS OLD and she’s so amazing in this movie she’s actually the youngest person to win a competitive category Oscar. I keep trying to get people to watch this fbdjfjdbf it’s wonderful

Alpha (2018) dir. Albert Hughes

THIS MOVIE IS A VICTIM OF BAD MARKETING ok, the trailers made it look like some twee crappy sentimental Boy And His Dog Adventure, plus it had voiceovers in American-accented english? That’s a total disservice to one of the coolest things about this film; the fact that they got a linguist to construct an entirely original Neolithic language that all the characters speak for the entire runtime. And yes, it is eventually a Boy And His Wolf adventure, but it’s COOL and fairly brutal, and it has some really incredible cinematography. The landscapes are so strange and barren and alien, you really get the sense that this is an ancient world we no longer have any connection to. And it’s also about like, the birth of dog & human companionship sooo it’s perfect.

Free Solo (2018) dir. Elizabeth Chai Vasarhelyi, Jimmy Chin

The Free Climbing Documentary. I loved climbing as a kid, I love outdoor sports, and I love movies that elicit a physical reaction in me, whether that’s horny, scared, real laughter, overwhelming shivers, or in the case of Free Solo - HORRIBLE SWEATING TENSION. Like, I knew about Alex Honnold beforehand because of this adventure film festival I go to every year and I followed him on IG so obviously I knew he lived, but the actual climb itself was torture. My hands sweat every time I see it!! It’s incredible, such a cool look into generally what the human body can do, and more specifically, why Honnold’s psychology and life means he’s so well suited to free soloing. It’s such an exercise in getting to know an individual and get invested in them, before they attempt something very potentially fatal.

Brokeback Mountain (2005) dir. Ang Lee

I can’t even talk about this. When I was around 13 I snuck downstairs to watch this on TV at 11pm in secret, and my life was forever changed. I wouldn’t be who I am if I hadn’t seen Brokeback at the age I did. I seriously can’t talk about this or I’ll write an even longer essay than this already is

God’s Own Country (2017) dir. Francis Lee

The antidote to Brokeback Mountain, I’m so glad I managed to see this one in the cinema too. It makes me cry every time, as someone who’s spent years working on a cold British farm with sheep it was very realistic, which is expected since Lee grew up on a farm in Yorkshire. I love that this movie isn’t really about being closeted, but about being so emotionally repressed and self-loathing that the main character finds it so hard to accept love. Or that he deserves to be loved. The cinnamontographies.... lordt... but also the intimacy and sex scenes are fucking searing wow who hasn’t seen this movie by now. 10 stars. 20 stars!!!

Tomboy (2011) dir. Céline Sciamma

I saw this years ago but I’ve never forgotten it, it cut so deep. It’s from the director of Portrait of a Lady on Fire and it’s about a gnc kid struggling with gender and misogyny and homophobia in a really raw, scrappy way, it reminded me very much of my own... childhood... ahh the central performance is amazing for such a young age. I haven’t seen Portrait yet but I feel like if you went nuts for that, you should definitely check this out, it’s lovely.

Donnie Darko (2001) dir. Richard Kelly

EVERY TIME I WATCH THIS MOVIE I UNDERSTAND LESS AND LESS and that’s what I love so much about it. I love surreal movies, I love time-fuckery and stuff about altered perception etc etc and Donnie Darko scratches all my itches. I wish I could find a way to figure out an IT AU for it, because I know it would work! Somehow! Plus it’s got the subdued 80s nostalgia and I found it at an age when I was really starting to explore movies and music and the soundtrack FUCKS.

Offside (2006) dir. Jafar Panahi

I wish more people knew about this!!! It’s an Iranian film about a disparate group of women and girls who are football fans and want to watch Iran’s qualifying match for the World Cup, but women aren’t allowed into the stadium, so they all get thrown into the Stadium Jail together? They don’t know each other beforehand, but it’s about their changing relationships with each other and the guards and just, their defiance alongside hearing the match from the outside and WOW it’s so lively. Great dialogue and very funny, and such a different kind of story from anything you usually see from Hollywood.

The Fall (2006) dir. Tarsem Singh

This movie... I guess it’s the ideal. This is the platonic ideal of a film for me, it has fantasy, magical realism, glorious visuals, amazing score and costumes and production design and a really interesting, heartbreaking relationship at the core of it. I don’t know why so many of my favourite films feature incredibly raw performances by child actors but this is another one, Catinca Untaru barely knew any English and improvised so much because of that, and it’s fascinating to watch! Also the dynamic with Lee Pace is one of my favourites, where a kid forms a friendship with a guardian figure who isn’t their parent, but the guardian grows to really care for them by the end. It’s like Paper Moon in that sense. What is there to even say about this movie, it’s pure magic joy tempered and countered by genuine gutwrenching emotional conflict in the real world, it’s also ABOUT old moviemaking, in a way, and it’s stunning to look at!

Mad Max Fury Road (2015) dir. George Miller

I know I included this in my “most rewatched” section but it deserves its own thing. We all know why this movie is fucking incredible. I remember clutching my armrests in the cinema and feeling like my skeleton was being blasted back into the seat behind me and tbh that is the high I’m constantly chasing when I go to see any movie. What a fucking gift this film is

Théo et Hugo dans le Même Bateau (2016) dir. Olivier Ducastel, Jacques Martineau

I only found this movie last year and it became an instant favourite. Initially I was just curious because I’d never seen a movie with unsimulated sex before, but it’s so much more than the 18 minute gay sex club orgy it opens with. No, not more than, AS WELL AS. The orgy is important because this movie is so candid and frank about sex and HIV treatment in the modern day, it was eye-opening. Another thing that really got me is that I’d never seen a real-time film before. It’s literally an hour and a half in the lives of these two men, their intense connection and conversation and conflict in the middle of the night in Paris, with some really nice night photography and just!!! Wow!!! AMAZING CHEMISTRY between the actors. This is such a gem if you’re comfortable with explicit sexual content.

Ok. This is already over 3k but film is obviously one of my ridiculous passions and I can and do talk about it for hours. I’ve been reading magazines about it for years, listening to podcasts and reading review blogs and recently, watching video essays on YouTube because the whole process is so interesting to me and I want to learn more!!

Recently I’ve been thinking a lot about the concept of valuing form over narrative. The idea that story can often come second to the deeper physical experience and emotional reaction that’s created by using ALL the elements of filmmaking and not just The Story, y’know? Whether that’s editing, shot composition, colour, the sound mix, the actors, how it should all be used to heighten the emotional state the script wants you to feel. And so, I think for a few years now this approach has been influencing the types of films I really, really love.

I think I love surreality and mind-bending magical realism in films specifically because the filmmakers have to use all those different tools to convey things that can be way too metaphysical for just... a script? I’m always chasing that physical response; if a movie can make me stop thinking “I wonder what it was like to set up that shot” and instead overwhelm that suspension of disbelief, if I can be terrified or woozy or crying for whatever reason, that’s what I’m looking for. That’s why I watch so many fuckin movies, and why I’ll always remember nights like seeing IT (2017) for giving me another favourite.

Thank you again for this question, I didn’t mean to go so overboard. Also there’s no way to do a readmore on tumblr mobile so apologies to anyone’s dashboard 😬

[hees-theman]

Mistake at the First Sight (Chapter IV)

CHAPTER FOUR

Pairing: Park Seonghwa x Female!Reader

Genre: Fluff, Romance, Enemies to Lover

Summary: You’re a transfer student from London and Park Seonghwa thought that you don’t know Korean language. Little did he know, you are actually a Korean who moved back to the place you were born.

A/N: I’m sorry I didn’t update for a month now since I was busy with my degree stuffs. Anyway, here’s an update and this is most probably the second last episode.

<< Chapter three

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Thanks to Seonghwa’s long legs, catching up with you is not a problem for him. As soon as he is near you, he wraps his hand around your wrist, stopping you from moving any further.

You stopped walking and turned your head to look at him with a fire ignited in your eyes. “What do you want, Park Seonghwa?”

Seonghwa is taken aback when he looks at your expression. You look so furious. Did he do anything wrong? What mistake did he commit? He is confused with the way you are looking at him right now.

“Why do you look so mad? Did something happen? Did I do something wrong?”

You let out a scoff. You couldn’t believe that the guy in front of you has the guts to ask you that question. Did he just pretend as if nothing happened? Or is he naturally dumb?

“It must be easy for you to get any ladies you want, right?”

Your words make Seonghwa frown as he tries to understand where did that random statement come from. Seonghwa stays silent at your sudden outburst. You take your hand away from his grip before opening your mouth again.

“How many girls have you give tissue with your number written on it?”

Seonghwa’s frown deepens at your question. Tissue? What?

That is when Seonghwa remembered the incident in the café. He shakes his head before letting out a soft chuckle, changing your mood from mad to confuse.

“That wasn’t me. She wrote her number on it but I refuse to take it.”

Your facial expression softens a bit at his justification of what happened back there. However, you do not want to make it obvious, so you lift your chin slightly and cross your arms, looking at him with a challenging look.

“Why? Because she is too easy for you? Is that why you didn’t take her offer?”

Your statement irked Seonghwa. His face went from soft to mad as soon as you finish your sentence.

“Do you think I’m like that?”

You shrug slightly. A smirk forming on your face as you look at him with the same expression as before.

“Why? Are you not like that? You sure look like a guy who would get into woman’s pants if they throw themselves at you – or maybe you prefer… women?”

Seonghwa had enough of your attitude. He took a few steps forward until he is standing right in front of you. Only then you realized how tall he is compared to you. With that expression of his, he makes you feel more intimidated than normal.

“I’m not like that.”

You look up to him, trying to not lose your ground.

“Why? You can get any girls you want. Why don’t you just go to them and-”

Your words were cut off by the sudden intrusion from Seonghwa.

“Because I like you, Kim Jooyeon!”

His sudden confession leaves you stunned. Suddenly, it seems like everything stops moving. You blink your eyes a few times before searching Seonghwa’s face, trying to detect any lies. However, the only thing that you found on his face is sincerity – especially his eyes.

His expression might look scary but his gaze towards you is passionate. It feels as if you can sense the longing behind it. Seonghwa, who just acknowledge his action, straightens his back and turn his face to the other side. He gulps down his saliva as blush slowly creeping onto his face.

Your eyes fall to his chest, witnessing how it rise and fall rapidly.

“When did you feel like this?”

Seonghwa’s tongue swipes along his lips, trying to wet it and hide his nervousness. He turns to look at you but your eyes are still lingering on his chest.

“After you confronted me for the first time,” he said. You bite your inner cheek as you tighten your hold on the strap of your bag.

“I’m going home first. Thank you for today.”

And just like that, you walk away from him, leaving him alone – for the second time.

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It had been a week since you mutter a single word to Seonghwa, and so did he. In the class, he no longer sits behind you. Whenever both of you ran to each other, no one speaks a word and just walks away as if the two of you are strangers – and it is too obvious for the boys and Jiyeon not to notice.

There were countless times where Jiyeon asked you to have lunch together with the boys, go out to watch movies with the boys, go hang out with the boys. You refused every single offer because you know if ‘the boys’ are there, that means Park Seonghwa will be there too, and you were not ready to face him yet.

You need some time and Seonghwa acknowledged that. There were times where he would wait for you in case if you would join him along with the boys and Jiyeon hanging out or he would reserve a place for you to sit during lunch hour, but no. You did not join them.

Seonghwa would be lying if he said that he was not upset with your actions, but he knew you need to process everything because it came to you without giving any signal.

San, being one of the closest to Seonghwa, had never seen him being this sad before. He used to smile a lot. Whenever the boys would tease him, he would try to fight back even though he knew he will lose, making him look so happy. Nowadays, he seems to be spacing out a lot. Most of the time, San needs to shake his shoulder harshly just to make him come back to reality.

San had enough of this.

“Jooyeon!”

You turn your head to the voice that called your name just to see San leaning against the wall. Both his hands are in his pocket and a smile plastered on his face.

You return the smile and walk towards him. “Jiyeon went to the toilet so if you want to meet her-“

“Actually, I’m waiting for you.”

San’s words succeed to make you stop talking. You look at him with confusion displayed on your face before pointing your finger at yourself.

“Me? You are waiting for me,” you questioned, trying to confirm if you just heard him right. San chuckles at your actions. He nods his head, indicating that you heard it right.

“What is it that you want to talk to me?”

San puffs out his cheeks before straighten up and points his finger to the front, asking you to walk with him. You were still confused but you just follow his steps as he started walking.

None of you say anything for a couple of minutes. You just walk and walk without knowing the destination San is heading for. However, it does not make you feel uncomfortable or awkward. Probably because both of you are already close with each other that you no longer need to have a conversation to justify your friendship.

Few more seconds has passed when San decided to speak first.

“Seonghwa confessed to you, right?”

That question makes you halt your steps. Your hand that was previously clinging onto the strap of your bag, are now at your side. Your face fell and your eyes look at San’s back.

“Did he tell you that?”

San turns around to face you before shaking his head, flashing you a soft smile. “I’ve known him for too long so I could figure it out.”

You turn your head to the side as you let out a breath that you did not even know you were holding.

“And by the way both of you are ignoring each other right now, that means it’s either you reject him, or you left him without any answer.”

You bite your lower lips at the last sentence. Having a friend like San is great because he cares about your well-being. Even so, the downside is that you cannot really hide and lie to him easily since he can sense it well.

You let out a sigh before stating the truth to San. “I… left him.”

The smile on his face widens slightly. He knows he is right and he is proud of it. He took a few steps towards you to ruffle your hair, making you glare at him in annoyance.

“Until when will you deny your feelings for him?”

For the third time today, he made you stunned. You know that it is easy for him to detect Seonghwa’s feelings as they have been together for God knows how long. But, when he asked that question to you, without you saying anything to him – now that is on another level.

Judging from your expression, he knew that you are surprised by his nth attack of the day. His hand that was on your hair moved to your shoulder and pat it a few times.

“Even though you didn’t admit it, I know that you have feelings for him. A feeling that is more than a friend. Although you may not notice it, I’ve seen your face whenever girls try to get closer to Seonghwa and talk to him in more than friendly ways. You would either clench your jaw or rolled your eyes so hard it almost popped out of its socket.”

If San is not talking facts right now, you swear you would have punched his face and kicked his knee for talking nonsense. You wished he was exaggerating his points but no, he did not because that was exactly your reactions during those situations.

“It’s already been a week, Jooyeon. Don’t you think you have hurt him and yourself enough by now?”

You filled your cheeks with air before letting out a sigh. Your fingers are now playing with each other as you look down on the floor, a small pout formed on your face.

“I don’t know how to tell him. It all went too fast. Besides, I’m not sure how deep my feeling is for him.”

It’s true, you know that you like Seonghwa more than a friend. But, you are not sure if you are ready to face it since you know you are scared of commitment.

Despite that, You could not deny the warm and fuzzy feeling inside your tummy every time you picture Seonghwa as your boyfriend and how nice it will be if both of you get to spend time together every day. You never know that you can imagine scenes like that before in your entire life.

“Come and join us at Rouge Club tomorrow night, then.”

You spin your head around at the familiar voice, just to see Jiyeon holding her phone in front of her face, a smirk plastered on her face. You look at the couple back and forth before finally realizing that they have both sets you up in this.

“Yah, Choi San. Kim Jiyeon. Is this how you treat your friend? Recording illegally while your friend is pouring out her worry?”

Jiyeon put down her phone and smile widely at you. She walks towards her boyfriend and San’s arms automatically wrapped around her waist as he buries his face in her hair, copying his girlfriend’s smile.

“I’m sorry, Jooyeon. But, we can’t stand seeing both of you suffering like this. So, blackmailing you is the only way that works.”

You know that there is no way out with this. Looking at the couple, you tilt your head to the side slightly and cross your arms against your chest.

“What do I need to do?”

Jiyeon and San exchanges glance with each other for few moments before turning their head back to you. Your friend then faces the screen of her phone towards you and press the ‘delete’ button on the video that she recorded before.

“Honestly, we don’t want to force you to come. But, we think its best if both of you can come to closure to this. We don’t want to see our precious friends looking gloomy all day every day. We want to see the real smile on both yours and Seonghwa’s face again.”

You lick your lower lips as you thought about your friends’ words. You can hear how concern they are about you and Seonghwa. No friends want to see their friends being sad. Yet, you still feel like you are not ready to face the tall guy.

You were about to reject their offer for the nth time when San step forward and cut you off.

“Please, Jooyeon. Do it for my sake. Tomorrow night… it’s my birthday party.”

Your face softens and your heart melts at his words. Now that you remember correctly, it is going to be San’s birthday the day after tomorrow. It does make sense why he wants to celebrate it tomorrow night.

With a defeat, you mutter softly but surely, “I will come”.

                                                                                                     Last chapter >>

[gevejsbvdj]

Pt. 2

the continuation of what inspired my leave beneath the cut

I have a friend, who I got along with really well because we are both Afro Latinas (only she can speak Spanish. I don’t, not really) and we are black kids who had an interest in unconventional topics. I messaged her before disappearing about the ending of the server. I was keeping her updated all throughout, but after telling her the ending, I left her on read

I won’t disclose what I got up to during my absence. But again, don’t think that I had a breakdown because of the server ONLY. It was the final straw. I had so much going on in my life and I couldn’t take it anymore. 

Anyways, she took it upon herself to send hateful messages to Ley’s account and thought it was something to be proud of and told me. I...wasn’t impressed. But I still didn’t respond to our chats. Then she (her name is Rex. I’m gonna call her that) dmed Ley and was actually pretty aggressive towards her in an attempt to get answers. Again, not impressed but it was enough for me to actually come online. I feel like that’s why she acted out, to get me online. I don’t think she cared about me and used my pain to hurt others.

I had extremely brief, passing conversations with people who weren’t involved with the situation at all right before I messaged Rex. 

Ley was special to me before her message. I was always very defensive and protective of her like I was everyone else, but her especially because I thought she was nice. And I remembered when people were being mean to me, she reached out. And I still appreciate her for doing that. 

Which was why it was so confusing when Rex told me that they were all mad at me because I ACCUSED JOANE OF GROOMING PEOPLE. They wanted a reason to make me the villain so badly that they made shit up.

Notice how here, she says that I called Joane a FUCKING PEDO. Not even just a groomer but an outright PEDOPHILE. 

I’ve been raped. I’ve been sexually assaulted, groomed, all of that. I don’t say shit. I never say anything. I’ve even been accused- yes, ACTUALLY ACCUSED unlike Joane- to being a paedophile. I’m 19. Not even just that but I’m freshly 19. I got accused when I was 17. But I would never just- ughhhh moving on I don’t wanna get into it. 

When Rex asked for proof, this is way Ley sent her:

In this screenshot, I’m literally discussing how Joane’s childish behaviour could get her killed. I was concerned. Again, where’s the bullying?

Rex told me that Ley said she was wrong for not having proof, and I understand. Ley wasn’t present when it all went down

But really Ley? 

I heard a quote from someone that said something like “if someone believed a lie about you without checking up on you first to see if there was proof, then they were already looking for something to destroy you with to begin with” or SOMETHING like that. So I thought back to that quote and felt awful. I always suspected that they didn’t really like me, but always marked it up to my depression talking nonsense. But after all of this...maybe it was true. Why did I come out the most damage? Why were they making up lies about me? Me, out of all of them. Why was I consistently being seen as the bad guy overall? No really tell me. 

Anyways, this was Ley’s justification to believe that I would say such an awful thing:

Okay. Let’s just say that- Joane WAS a groomer. That she actually is a paedophile and I commented on it. She’s obviously not but I’m pulling a Ben Shapiro here. Everything else is the same only Joane is a paedophile. 

That motherfucking “it’s weird that he only spoke up when they were arguing” argument, and other arguments like that are so fucking toxic. As well as “well it wasn’t a problem that never came up before” so??? That’s what the fucking #metoo movement was all about. Timing means NOTHING when it comes to that. It doesn’t matter if it’s Joane or fucking Bill Cosby. The fact that thought came to Ley’s head is so fucking upsetting and DISGUSTING.THAT mentality is why people never want to believe victims of assault. Same goes for “they could have said that privately” guys she’s talking about that user who said they were uncomfortable with Joane coming onto him. Privately? It was private to him. In that server, we’ve made it known that it’s a very homey and comfortable environment. And who the fuck are you to tell someone where and when they can speak up about something like that???

Also, she accused me of calling her a pedo again. Good for me right? I’m a bully and I’m someone who just blindly calls people paedophiles. Good for me, damn. 

No, you shouldn’t believe someone right away when they call someone a groomer. God don’t I know that. But you definitely don’t say THAT what the fucking fuck. 

Jesus. Okay, moving on. 

Rex aggressively messaged Mel who had something similar to say:

uggh, you WERE the toxic environment i wanted to flee from,.

It hurts. It hurts a lot to see another friend you looked up to call you a bully. And that they just say that you called someone a groomer when you didn’t. 

Mel couldn’t provide proof either. 

Mel also tagged her post with someone kinda ignorant. 

Imagine if (thinking of someone I and others don’t always agree with) someone like James Charles made a post broadcasting all the homophobia he dealt with during his career, and I or some other asshole said something “while I don’t always agree with James…” like now isn’t the time. Now isn’t the time to let people you know you disagree with me ESPECIALLY on a post where you agree with me 100%??? What is the point then? You agreed with me, so agree with me. There. No one is saying that you have to agree with everything I say lord fucking knows I don’t always agree with you guys. fucking DUH. It makes me think you just wanted to put that in to lesson me and my words, even only slightly. Why? That hurts a lot, Mel. It really fucking does bruh.

When Rex called her out on it, she deleted the reblog. Not just the meagre little tag but the whole post. If she couldn’t be slick with me, then she wasn’t going to support me at all. It isn’t worth it if she can’t be shady. That’s the message I got from that. Tells me a lot. 

I am not friends with Rex anymore. She’s always been really aggressive and drama craving and I can’t take it. It’s impacting me negatively as well. But I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t somewhat happy with the screenshots she gave me. Told me a lot about these people I was still willing to talk to. 

Now? I won’t even waste their time.

After all of that. I made the post. The big announcement post. It was too much. I can’t escape the racism in my hometown or in the country in general, but I can leave and distance myself from the fandom. 

I was talking to someone today, and she, as a white woman, admitted that white people act so shitty when it’s implied that they’re racist. Which is so true. 

As I said, people make mistakes. No white person EVER is 0% racist or biased. I’m sorry but it’s not true unless you’re a baby or something. Same goes for other races, but mainly white people who have always had the upper hand, the privilege, the money, the chances, the power, all of that. 

Listen to me. 

When a person of color tells you that you are being microaggressive, biased, ignorant, or prejudice, or straight up RACIST, YOU FUCKING LISTEN TO THEM. Why do you guys get so AGGRESSIVE AND MAD?? That is so fucking WEIRD. 

And yes. I’m talking to you Vulture. 

I really had no ill feelings towards you prior to your comments.

Or your posts. 

peep that clumsily used aave. never fucking talked like that to anyone but me. either way, you sound dumb.

Why?

Why so...mad?

You felt guilty? Why did you feel guilty? 

...I’m gonna let you answer that. 

Moving on. I know that not everything has to be about race. I hate making things about my race. I do, even when I should! But you can be racist unintentionally. Does that mean you’re racist? No! I have yet to receive a genuine apology from any of you, meanwhile, I’ve been over here grovelling and hoping that you like me again. God. Why is it so hard for you to apologize and move on??

No, in that same fucking server, someone sent a racist meme after joking about slavery all day:

And yes, the people in the chat at the time laughed at it... 

I told them that WASNT funny and they freaked out all “WHY CANT I TALK TO PEOPLE IM SO FUCKING STUPID I SUCK” like oh...my god. You guys make it so awkward being black oh my GOD. I- like it makes me never want to say ANYTHING but I know I have to but god what the hell guys???

I wouldn’t really think that the members of the server chat were racially biased if they just accepted the fact that they were micro aggressive and didn’t flip out about it. Not really, at least. That reaction is so- well it’s sus as fuck. People who aren’t prejudiced will apologize, correct themselves and move on. Not dismiss me constantly and DEFINITELY not freak the fuck out. 

I also wouldn’t assume they were racially biased if this SAME EXACT SITUATION DIDNT HAPPEN TO ME BEFORE. 

Yep! On the Beatles Amino, I was called a bully and was reported by the LEADERS. Why? Because I told a curator she was inconsistent with her rules… that’s it. And that was back when I was sugary sweet all the time and was deemed to be a cinnamon roll. Nah. They knew I was black and I got told that people were scared of me and that I was bullying people. Yeah okay. Messaging ONE curator about her rules is the same thing as bullying people. Chile I can’t. And it only happens in the Beatles fandom. But no when someone calls John Lennon a racist it’s all “Zach! Zach! Tell them they’re wrong.” Ugh...

So that’s that on that. I have nothing else to say. Don’t message me about this post if you didn’t read all of this. I’m an idiot and I’m honestly still willing you hear you all out but don’t expect me to ever want to have anything to do with you. Out of the what- 50 people from that server, only two stood up for me? And two separate people APOLOGIZED TO ME. AND THEY HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH ANYTHING. That’s a shame. Thank you Johnny, Lenny, Laurie, and Remy. All of your names rhyme and you didn’t make me feel like I was CRAZY, unlike those I mentioned. There’s so much shit going on in the world rn, especially to do with racism. I know that you guys know. But some posts really....really tried me. oh well. I’m black. I like The Beatles. And I’m a victim of microaggressions, false accusations, gas lighting. I’m also out. bye.

black lives matter resources

[teaveetamer]

My Issues With TFioS (and Other Elements of John Green)

Alright I’m just going to preface this with two things.

It’s been about six years since I’ve read the entire thing through, so my points are probably not going to be as detailed or precise as they were when I first read it.

If you enjoyed the book, identify with the fanbase, or like John Green in any capacity... Great! You might want to skip this one. This is definitely not the post for you. I’m going to put all of my more controversial thoughts under the cut so if you don’t want to see them you can just move on.

I brought up the book in that other post because I felt it had relevance to the discussion of “authors using characters as a mouthpiece”, but that’s only a small part of my issue with the book itself. I suppose I could have used a fanfiction example, since there’s more than enough fodder there, but I brought up The Fault in our Stars specifically because I feel comfortable criticizing a book in a way that I don’t feel comfortable criticizing fan works. John Green is a public figure that produced a paid product, made money, and does this professionally, while most fanfic authors are amateurs that provide free entertainment and just do it for fun.

Now with that said, we move on to the meat of the post.

Some Background

Perhaps this is not a little known fact, but I absolutely adore love stories. I don’t have incredibly high standards for them by any means, and in fact I actively enjoy them even when they aren’t the deepest, most thought provoking pieces. Someone got me a copy of Red, White, and Royal Blue for my birthday this year and I read the entire thing cover to cover in a day (and I seriously recommend if you’re looking for a pretty easy read with a lot of gay).

The only thing I love more than love stories? Tragic love stories, of course. If anyone has followed my fanfiction or main blog for any amount of time then you know that I love a little bit of tragedy. Usually with a happy ending, but not always. So when one of my friends shoved (and I mean literally shoved) The Fault in Our Stars  into my hands and billed it as a “tragic but heartwarming love story” I thought it would be perfect for me.

I was sixteen at the time, the target age demographic, and I was always looking for books with smart, well written teen characters. At this point in my life I’d never heard of John Green or his fanbase before. I tell you this because I disliked the book as I read it, but I think John Green and his fanbase are a major factor in why I disliked it so much I’m willing to sit down and write a blog post about it six years later. Granted, that’s not all on the book, but it is a factor.

Needless to say, I was not all that impressed by it. At some points I was downright infuriated, really.

My Issues With the Book

In summary, it feels very meh and overly pretentious. After about two chapters I just wanted to put it down, and the only reason I pushed through is because my friend insisted that it got better. She said it was funny, relatable, and intelligent, but I found it to be none of these things.

The impression I got was that the author, whoever he was, fancied himself terribly clever and he wanted everyone to know it. You know the type, the kinds of people that go around and assure everyone of how smart they are? It feels like it was made for haughty teens to brag about how intelligent they were because they read a “deep” book.  The book itself, despite being a surface level of “witty”, didn’t really have anything to say. In the end it reads like a thirty-something year old man bragging about how smart he is and waxing philosophical about the nature of life (and... Breakfast food..?) and using a fictional teenage girl to do it.

That’s why I brought up the “mouthpiece” thing. I didn’t want to read a book about a thirty-something dressing up his thoughts as a teenage girl. I wanted to read a book about a teenage girl.

Speaking of Hazel Grace… I don’t know if this is a common experience, but can anyone else tell when a man writes a female character? I find that I usually can. Men have a particular voice when they write, and especially when they write women. Every single page hammered me over the head with the fact that this was a man who was trying (and, in my opinion, failing miserably) to write a relatable teenage girl. And, in my opinion, he parroted a lot of very upsetting, dangerous mentalities for young women.

There were quite a few “I’m not like other girls, and not just because of the cancer!” moments (a mentality that I find wholly problematic coming from other women, let alone a man writing for a woman) that just had me rolling my eyes straight out of their sockets. She doesn’t care about shoes, see! She reads books! Isn’t that awesome and unique? Because, apparently, women are not allowed to do both.

These problematic mentalities extend into the book’s romance plot, too. Augustus is, frankly, one of the creepiest motherfuckers I’ve ever had the displeasure to read about. Not only is his aggressive creepiness portrayed as romantic, but Hazel reacts exactly how men wish women would react to their advances. Unfortunately I don’t have a copy of the book in front of me so you won’t get much in the way of direct quotes, but some examples include:

He stares at her, completely unblinking, for the duration of their cancer kids support group meeting… before they’ve even so much as spoken a word to each other. Which also features this gem of a quote: "A nonhot boy stares at you relentlessly and it is, at best, awkward and, at worst, a form of assault. But a hot boy . . . well." which just perpetuates the disgusting misconception that women are okay with being creeped on as long as a guy is attractive. Spoiler alert: We fucking aren’t.

He repeatedly refers to Hazel as “Hazel Grace”, despite her introducing herself as “Hazel” and asking him to just call her “Hazel”. And not only does he ask for her full name, he demands she give it to him. This rings all kinds of alarm bells for me, because you know who else does that kind of shit? Christian Grey. And it’s manipulative, disrespectful, and downright rude. It is essentially saying “I hear your desires, but I would prefer to address you how I want to address you, not how you would like to be addressed, because my ego is more important than your comfort”.

Hazel is perfectly fine with getting into a complete stranger’s car and spending time at his house mere minutes after meeting with him and after all of the questionable shit he just pulled.

Continuing this book’s litany of problems with women, let’s talk about Isaac’s (ex)girlfriend. The book treats their breakup as this massive betrayal, then even goes on to justify vandalizing her property because of it.

I’m sorry, but no.

You, as an autonomous human being, have the right to end a relationship with someone else whenever, wherever, and for whatever reasons you designate, regardless of previously expressed emotions or promises. How and when she did it was not the most ideal, but she’s an emotionally immature teenager, and there’s never going to be a good time to do something like this. What was she supposed to do, keep pity dating him because she felt sorry for him? Wait until someone invented technology to cure blindness? Assuming she did actually break up with him because of his disability… Are her reasons shitty? Sure. But she’s allowed to have them.

And you know what? He’s allowed to be mad about it. His anger might be completely understandable, if not totally justified. But you know what else? That does not give him the right to take revenge on her by vandalizing her property.

I would have no problem with this scene if it were honest about what it was: a bunch of teenagers with under-developed frontal lobes that are angry and feeling vindictive. But it’s not that. It’s depicted as not only completely justified, but heroic. I’m sorry, no. You are never heroic for harassing another human being.

And Augustus’s dumb little speech to her mom is such garbage. You really expect me to believe that a grown woman was so pwned by some jerk teenager’s super witty justification for destroying her property that she just went inside and, idk, watched TV? Didn’t call the police to report the crime that he and his friends were actively committing against her? Bullshit.

Speaking of bullshit, that scene is pretty egregious, but that doesn’t even begin to cover my issues with this book’s pretentious dialogue. If you told me that they ran every word in this book through Thesaurus.com then I would believe you without hesitation. The one hook, the draw, the thing that kept me reading was supposed to be the relatable characters, but they just aren’t relatable. They’re not realistic in the slightest. Seriously, go read any line of this book out loud and tell me how ridiculous you feel. I kept expecting Augustus to pull off his skinsuit and reveal that he was secretly a robot trying to imitate human speech the entire time.

I’m not sure how far I can go into this point without giving you direct quotes, but half the stuff that comes out of these characters mouths is pseudo-intellectual nonsense. “Put the killing thing between your teeth so it can’t kill you”?

It’s not a metaphor.

Putting an unlit cigarette in your mouth is still stupid. I guess it won’t give you lung cancer, but really? It’s still not a great idea.

Augustus has to go buy these cigarettes, which means he’s actively going out and giving money to an industry that has been funding pseudoscience and suppressing health initiatives that would prevent people from suffering what he did (i.e. fucking cancer).

Here’s a clue: Tobacco companies don’t actually care about what you do with the cigarettes. Their transaction stops as soon as you put the money in their hands. I could purchase a hundred packs and throw them in the garbage, and the only thing they know is that they got about $600 from me. Way to “stick it to the man”, asshole. You’re not clever.

With the exception of the Isaac’s-girlfriend thing, all of that is in chapters 1-4, by the way. This book turned me off so thoroughly that early.

So by the time the Amsterdam trip rolled around I was already not enjoying this book, but then this thing happened and it was just the final nail in the coffin for me. You probably know what I’m talking about already, but if you don’t… The Anne Frank Museum kiss.

I honestly cannot even articulate how incredibly tasteless and disrespectful I find the entire thing, and not only does that happen, but it’s followed by an r/ThatHappened “and then everybody stood up and clapped!” Seriously?

There are smarter, more well-versed people than me that have covered this topic, so I’ll leave the analysis for why that’s all kinds of wrong to them.

Those are really my big gripes, though there’s a few smaller ones (like Augustus throwing a pre-funeral like are you a psychopath? Why would you put the people you love through that???) that I’m not going to touch on because they weren’t all that instrumental in putting me off. Instead I’ll move on to the external factors.

The Fanbase

So I finished the book, a little miffed at having just wasted my time, and immediately told my friend that I didn’t like it much, and that I would be returning her copy the next day. Feeling pretty meh-to-slightly-negative about it, but whatever, it happens.

I was essentially met with “wow I can’t believe you didn’t get it.” and “Oh well maybe you’ll finally understand how deep it is when you’re older” from my friend. Which is really just one step away from the wow can’t you read?! BS that I’ve been seeing more and more frequently these days. So immediately I was pissed. All that aside, I was sixteen, the target age demographic? If I didn’t ‘get it’ then John Green was doing a pretty piss poor job of conveying what it is.

So I went online seeking something. Either validation that I wasn’t wrong and that I didn’t miss the point, the book just wasn’t great, or an explanation of what this it was that I’d missed. And let me tell you... Spotting a negative opinion of this book was like looking for a unicorn. There were a few, and many of them were met with the same kind of thing I had experienced. Vitriol, insistence that they were stupid or that they didn’t get it (again, with no explanation of what it was), and, apparently, a lot of harassment and threats.

I discovered that John Green’s target audience had a tendency to be… A bit obsessive. Lots of young, impressionable teenagers that were willing to jump on an opposing opinion with zealous outrage. If I had any interest in pursuing any of John Green’s other works or John Green as an internet personality any further, then it died in that moment. Absolutely nothing turns me off like a rabid, spiteful fanbase.

Now by this point I was already in the rabbit hole, and I began encountering a lot of criticisms of John Green and the things he’s said and done in the past. I did not like what I found.

John Green Himself

To be extremely blunt, the guy put such a bad taste in my mouth that it retroactively soured my opinion of The Fault in Our Stars even more. Since this is a post about my opinions on the book, I’m only going to be discussing things that affected my view at the time I read it. These are all things that happened six years ago, and I have no idea what this man has been up to or what he’s said about any of these topics since.

Let’s just get this out of the way… John Green writes the same book over and over. There’s always a quirky, nerdy white boy that is invariably cisgendered, and almost always straight. He is always an outcast with only a few friends, though apparently never directly bullied. He always meets an edgy girl that he falls in love with the idea of. Usually there is a road trip somewhere in there too.

The Fault in our Stars admittedly doesn’t follow the exact same framework, but it’s close enough in a lot of ways. Instead of the Quirky, Too-Smart-For-His-Own-Good cisboi being the PoV character, it’s the love interest (Hazel also fits this description, albeit a female version). Hazel and Augustus are both still outcasts. Hazel is attracted to Augustus because he’s Deep and Edgy and A Little Larger Than Life. The road trip is a flight to Amsterdam.

Looking at the man... Yeah the entire premise starts to come off as some weird self-insert fanfiction. I can feel the “I was a quirky, bullied teen and I wish this is how my high school life had been!” energy coming through absolutely every pore and every molecule of ink. Every character reads like John Green. John Green has written book after book and the main character always appears to be John Green in a slightly different teenage skinsuit.

And that’s fine, I guess. A little lazy, but I guess it’s working for him since he’s making hella bank? It’s certainly not enough to put me off the guy, just not something I’m interested in reading, and not something I find compelling.

What put me off for good were some of his comments. Dude skeeves me the fuck out. I’ll just go over some of the highlights I found at the time, and why they upset me so much when I heard them.

“Nerd girls are the world's most underutilized romantic resource.”

As a nerdy girl that has been stalked and harassed by men because I’m “good girlfriend material” (aka I like video games and traditionally masculine stuff and I’m pretty! I must be a unicorn!), this statement is disgusting.

I don’t care if it was a joke. I don’t care if he wasn’t being serious. This is the kind of shit that men think is a compliment because they think it makes “quirky” girls feel “unique” and “special”, but that “complement” is also an insult. You know why? Because it makes female interests all about how men perceive their sexual or romantic viability.

John Green’s penchant for writing “special” and “unique” girls (while simultaneously shaming “typical” girls, but I’ll get to that in the next point) and depicting them as the ideal woman just reaffirms my feelings about this quote. I think, on some level, John Green has no idea why this is such a bad take. And that’s not even getting into the fact that he called human beings resources. Women are not objects that exist to be a plot device or for your gratification. Fuck right off with that shit.

“She was incredibly hot, in that popular-girl-with-bleached-teeth-and-anorexia kind of way, which was Colin’s least favourite way of being hot”

This is just one quote of many that shames people with eating disorders and weight problems (on both ends of the spectrum, “too fat” and “too skinny”. Another fun one being: “there’s the weird culturally-constructed definition of hot, which means ‘that individual is malnourished, and has probably had plastic bags inserted into her breasts.’")

Know what this line is? It’s called “negging”, and it’s a popular tactic of incels because it works. You make someone seek your approval by intentionally giving them backhanded compliments to undermine their self esteem. The idea is that the more you insult them, the harder they’ll work to try and impress you. It doesn’t work on everyone, but you know who it does tend to work on? Insecure younger people (usually girls). You know who John Green’s target audience is? Insecure teenage girls.

As for the actual substance of the quote… I hate it. He’s shaming a woman for the choices she makes over her appearance. Which are, fun fact, none of his damn business. Also the idea that “skinny” and “anorexic” somehow need to go hand in hand is just wrong, insulting women for a mental health disorder they have no control over is offensive, and using a serious mental health disorder (did you know that anorexia is the most deadly mental health condition?) as an insult is disgusting.

Coming back to my earlier point about shaming “normal” girls, this quote is just the tip of the iceberg. He repeatedly shames women in his books for looking or behaving “typically”, while quirky girls are lauded as the ideal. Quirky girls are “weird and interesting” and normal girls are “boring”. If this was intended as a compliment, it’s a shitty one. If you have to shame one group to make another feel better, it is not a compliment. You are lowering all women when you pull that shit. You teach them that in order to feel good about themselves another group has to be made to feel worse.

And hey, maybe the pretty girl likes her teeth bleached because it makes her feel confident? Why can’t bleached teeth girl and anime t-shirt girl both be beautiful and unique and confident in their own right? Why is it “powerful” for anime t-shirt girl to wear her nerdy clothes, but scorn-worthy for bleached teeth girl to like bleaching her teeth?

What John Green is doing is simply replacing one ideal (skinny pretty girl) with another (quirky cute girl), and then he pretends like his version is somehow “woke” because it’s not based on physical appearance (though all of the women in his books are also physically attractive. Hmmm. Guess “nerd girls” are only “viable resources” when they aren’t hard to look at?).

And trust me, I’ve been down this path. I’ve been taken in by guys who try to make me feel ~special~ by putting down other women, and it leads to absolutely nothing good. It doesn’t make you feel better. It just makes you feel angry and resentful, and that’s not a place you want to be in. In fact, this was a mentality I had recently escaped from around the time I picked up this book. Seeing someone with as much influence as John Green parroting this specific brand of toxic shit to exactly the audience that would be most likely to feed into it? I was never going to be able to like the guy, sorry.

I know some people are able to “separate the art from the artist”, and I might have been willing to do that had the book actually been good… but it wasn’t. So in the end the book just looked worse for all of the author’s shortcomings.

So yeah, in summary: The book was mediocre at best, the author pushed all of my angry feminist buttons, and elements of the fanbase were annoying, condescending, and spiteful. I didn’t like the book in the first place due to the myriad of problems plaguing it, but everything else just made it look so much worse in hindsight.

Anyways, this probably got kind of ranty, but it was cathartic and I did make this blog to vent about dumb stuff. I think this qualifies.

[honeybee-babe]

How can you excuse all of the abusive things Luther has done to his siblings (especially Klaus) throughout the series? And don't pull the "he was drunk" card. And without implying that Luther locking up Vanya isn't intentionally cruel or intended to hurt her? He has the ability to think logically, unlike Vanya he isn't experiencing a literal psychotic break down.... Please, explain this to me logically. Thanks.

~ wowowowowowow i clenched my jaw all night thinking about this ask~~

Yikes. You’re not asking me why I “excuse his actions” (I don’t), you’re asking why I see him as a human being with flaws and trauma which need to be addressed rather than the literal devil. And why I don’t think he is irredeemable based on a few terrible choices (when he has also made some great ones and showed affection for his siblings in the past). I honestly think people hate Luther because it’s easier to have clearly good characters and clearly bad characters, even in a show that actively and artfully avoids that dichotomy.

Why do you care that I like Luther? I’m not bashing your faves or causing any harm to you? I am not trying to tell you to like him or convince you he is a great character. I know he has flaws. 

But if you really want to know how I “excuse all his actions” (which…. I don’t?), I’ll humor you, but I’m answering the question you’re really asking:

Why Do You Not Despise Luther?:

This response is really longwinded but THIS QUESTION IS REALLY OVER-SIMPLIFYING(!!!) so I feel it’s warranted.

First, I’m gonna address the “abusive things Luther has done to his siblings throughout the series:”

I am not excusing any of the things Luther “does to his siblings,” I’m just saying we should extend the same amount of courtesy to him in sympathizing with him and understanding the motive behind his actions (just like we all do with Vanya). And also consider the fact that he is deeply traumatized and has literally been gaslit his entire life into thinking he has to follow a specific model that was set out for him as “leader.” Literally he has been taught that he is nothing without the UA and being a leader, and I don’t think people release how damaging that is to a person?

But also hot take: I don’t think Luther is abusive towards his siblings at all? Not until the last two episodes for sure. I think he is insensitive towards others’ emotions at times, but he is never cruel just for the sake of being cruel. I honestly think Luther is incapable of picking up on emotional cues to some extent.

I’m re-watching right now, I just finished episode 7 and I have yet to see any signs of him being abusive towards the others, and not Klaus specifically? The choking scene was vile and physically violent but I don’t think it’s abusive because it was a one time thing and abuse is a cycle. Luther isn’t particularly awful to Klaus, he is just dismissive? The only person he ever is really verbally mean to is Diego when they get into fights and Diego is just as bad if not worse, and also intentionally tries to get an emotional rise out of Luther (which is…. just as awful and cruel?).

But yeah I finished episode 7 and no abuse so far… maybe my dumb ass who was abused for my whole life just doesn’t understand what abuse looks like? Okay that’s kind of a joke but I’m actually being serious, my abuse is pretty similar to Luther’s and my body dysmorphia/eating issues are similar to his too which is a lot of why I resonate with him, so I could be missing signs because I’ve probably acted the same way. So please point out to me where specifically he committed an act of abuse, and not a one time act of violence or simply being dismissive of/not picking up on someone’s emotional needs.

Also I honestly think Luther is just in denial of others’ emotional needs because he is in denial of his own emotional needs. He has been taught to push everything down, including the needs of others, with the only goal being completing the mission, and protecting everyone/leading everyone to safety. Also I mean, he hasn’t been around human beings for 4 years (so of course he struggles to relate to them/communicate healthily), and he was always taught not to engage with his siblings but just to lead them because that was his role.

Also Klaus and Diego (especially Diego) are just as dismissive of Luther’s trauma? And like yeah Luther covers it up but it’s pretty freaking obvious…pointing out how big he is specifically.

Diego literally sees Luther shirtless after the chandelier falls on him, sees how self-conscious he clearly is, and then never asks about it or checks on him (yet continues to joke about it – also Klaus makes fun of his muscles when he first sees him which is just insensitive). And in the first episode the way Klaus jokes around during the family meeting about cucumber sandwiches when Luther is trying to plan a memorial service; it’s obvious that Luther is grieving and paranoid (and also that he has been manipulated enough to love Reginald!!!) and Klaus is just making jokes and not addressing this? And then they both just ignore his obvious paranoia over Reginald’s death and just call him crazy and walk away? And don’t use the “he was high” excuse for Klaus being a prick (just like I can’t use the ‘he was drunk’ excuse for Luther, which I never did once btw, y’all just want more justification 2 hate on him).

Also: Yes, Luther tells Diego to stop talking shit about Reginald at the memorial service but like, from his perspective, that is someone bashing the person he was closest to AT HIS FUNERAL!!! He starts the fight with Diego but only after Diego provoked him, clearly intentionally, and Diego continues to fight him and throws a fucking knife at his arm (but physical violence is only not okay when Luther uses it right?).

Also HUGE THING Y'ALL ARE IGNORING: Klaus finds out Luther had nonconsensual sex while drugged out of his mind and congratulates him………. uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh idk about you but I think Klaus has been around the block when it comes to drugs and sex (and consent) and should realize that someone on drugs for the first time losing their virginity is nonconsensual, or even if considered consensual still pretty icky? Like Luther is clearly ashamed and upset and doesn’t want to talk about it and Klaus just laughs abt it. That is so not cool.

And another thing:

Luther is very, very protective of Five which is so so sweet, yet people just completely overlook it because they only want to see the bad things he’s done. When he and Allison run into him in the hallway at the end of Run Boy Run and see him looking distressed Luther asks him in a soft voice, “Are you okay? Can we help?” and reaches out to touch Five’s face. Five grabs his hand to stop him but this was very sweet? Like it’s clear Luther has a soft spot for him because he’s small.

But Diego? After he finds out about Patch he bursts into his apartment and goes to attack Five; Luther has to pick him up to restrain him from beating up their brother who has the body of a 13 year old. All because he blames him for the death of the love of his life (just like Luther is afraid of Vanya after she killed Allison). But in Diego’s case, Patch is already dead; Diego only wants to hurt Five out of vengeance, not because he’s trying to protect Patch. And he doesn’t apologize or anything after????? It’s just never brought up again!

SO IN TERMS OF LUTHER BEING AWFUL TO KLAUS THE WHOLE SEASON: is he? is he really? is he really abusive? and is he really that much worse than his other siblings?

And now I’ll address this nonsense:

“And without implying that Luther locking up Vanya isn’t intentionally cruel or intended to hurt her? He has the ability to think logically, unlike Vanya he isn’t experiencing a literal psychotic break down…. Please, explain this to me logically. Thanks.“

…….sigh.

Luther is absolutely not being intentionally cruel or doing this to “punish” Vanya, he’s doing this because he’s freaking the fuck out and doesn’t have any idea what she might do. Yes it’s a bad idea but we need to keep in mind that he’s not thinking logically, he is emotionally distressed. Yes he could talk to her but Allison had just tried to do that…. and look where the fuck that got her?

Do you seriously believe Luther was mentally stable and thinking logically in this moment? Do you not realize he was literally going through a breakdown and identity crisis of his own?

He just found out maybe two days ago that his entire life was a lie and the person whose approval he sought the most didn’t give a shit about him, found out he was isolated from humanity for no reason (which….. as if being isolated in itself wasn’t traumatic enough), after he was mutilated against his will, and now he has just witnessed the person he loves most almost die and he couldn’t do anything about it. Luther is experiencing a breakdown and I think a big part of it is control: he realizes he’s had no agency his whole life/has never had control, he just lost control/agency over his body on drugs even more and had nonconsensual sex while intoxicated, and then after this he sees Allison dying and he can’t do anything to help her (he can’t even give his blood)!!!! His superstrength and locking up Vanya is the only thing he has control over, he feels it’s all he can do to prevent the apocalypse/protect everyone. 

Not only that but the idea of control as contol over powers: Luther has super strength, he has to be super careful and controlled all the time so he doesn’t accidentally hurt the people he loves… the thought of someone’s powers being out of control is probably the scariest thing in the world to him. And yes, he gets in fights with Diego but he doesnt use his full strength (just like Diego doesn’t either) because if they did then they would actually hurt each other, they have a lot of control over their powers. But Diego can control his powers by just… not throwing things and having temper tantrums. Luther doesn’t need to be angry to fuck up with his powers, we see that in the very first episode when he punches the model airplane. Luther can never escape his powers and has to constantly control them, and the idea of uncontrolled powers is his worst fucking nightmare.

So Vanya tells him, “we got in an argument and things got out of control” … like just imagine what must be racing through Luther’s mind when he hears that!

Yes what he does in this scene is awful but you can’t convince me he is doing it with the intention of hurting her. Literally you can see in his eyes as he is choking her how pained he is by this. And he apologizes to her: why would he apologize to her if he was trying to hurt her? And if that was intention… why wouldn’t he just fucking kill her?

I absolutely don’t agree with his decision here but like…. he absolutely is going through a mental breakdown and it doesn’t just stop during The Day that Was/Wasn’t and to act like he is completely stable and in his right mind when he locks Vanya up is just grossly oversimplifying everything! 

Y’all demonizes him over this but completely overlook some of the awful things his siblings have done (Diego going to beat up Five because he blames him for Patch’s death, Vanya killing a ton of random people because she was locked up)…. Like yes: Luther is insensitive, dismissive, and cruel in this scene but it is not his intention to be cruel, it’s obviously his intention to control Vanya’s out-of-control powers, protect his siblings (esp. Allison), and prevent her from causing the apocalypse. It is awful and yes it is cruel but to act like he just doesn’t give a shit about Vanya and/or is doing it just to hurt her is just….. so beyond what the show is portraying.

And I get that you guys really despise him for this, and if you’re going to hate him, fine: but you completely overlook the terrible things all the other siblings do throughout the whole series and write Luther off as evil, which is not cool. Seriously, y’all portray Luther as the literal devil just so that your faves seem like infallible angels and your headcanons and fanfictions seem nicer and more simple………. and honestly I just can’t reason with you. I think some people just hate on Luther and love everyone else because his abuse situation is more complex and they’re just… literally too lazy to do the mental math, so they stick with stanning everyone else whose trauma is more obvious? Even though Luther covering up his trauma (literally) and refusing to talk about/deal with it is a huge plot point in the show, y’all perceive this as him just not having any trauma, or just overook how his trauma affects his actions.

This show isn’t supposed to be “everyone in the family are wonderful, perfect victims and deals with their trauma like angels EXCEPT LUTHER HE IS STOOPID AND EVIL AND ALSO HIS TRAUMA ISN’T DEEP ENOUGH!!!!!!!!!”…… and if you think this then I think you need to do some soul searching? Or actually do some research into abuse and learn that it comes in many different forms and has many different effects?

Again: I don’t dislike any of the siblings. I used them as examples but I love Diego, Klaus and Vanya!!! I respect and understand them all and view them all as troubled souls who are trying.

This show is complex and it’s designed to be uncomfy, and if you simply write it off as having clear victims and villains (except Reginald, he a dick) then you are not respecting the writing or giving the show justice. 

Gerard Way says he wrote Luther based on his own experience of body dysmorphia, isolation….. the show designers say he has self-harmed before, and Tom Hopper has said Luther has been suicidal in the past…. but you know what, go on portraying his trauma as “having it easy” and using violence/cruelty just for fun, even though the show clearly portrays him as a broken man.

~

[dvp95]

can’t breathe when you touch my sleeve - chapter 6

pairing: dan howell/phil lester

rating: e (eventually)

warnings: none

tags: alternate universe, slow burn, fluff & humour, tiny bit of inner turmoil wrt sexuality but trust me it’s not that deep, eventual smut, idiots in love

word count: 4,036 for this chapter (25,168 total)

summary: Dan keeps making a fool of himself in interviews, to the point where it’s basically a meme. Now he’s got to sit down for the better part of an hour and sell his show to the YouTuber he’d had a massive crush on when he was a teenager.

read from the beginning on ao3 or on tumblr!

read this chapter on ao3 or here!

Dan has been wearing a line into the carpet of his hotel room, pacing back and forth for what feels like hours. He's muttering to himself, tugging at his hair whenever he gets especially worked up, and only spares a moment to consider what a weird image he makes for anyone who might come in.

"I'm gay," he says out loud, over and over, trying desperately to make it sound like it belongs there.

He rewatches Phil's coming out video a few times to remind himself how easy and happy Phil made it sound, but he can't seem to recreate that energy alone in his room.

No matter how many times Dan says it, the word 'gay' still makes his heart race and his gut clench like he's gone over the drop of a rollercoaster. His pulse pounds in his ears when he imagines saying it to another person, someone he cares about, someone who might hate him for it.

It's just a word. It's just a word, and it's basically who he is. It shouldn't be this hard to say.

His phone goes off with a Twitter notification, but he can't handle that right now. He turns his phone off without reading the message from Phil and keeps pacing.

--

"How did you deal with this for like twenty years?" Jaime complains, watching the rain fall almost horizontally outside the window.

"I didn't live here," says Dan. He steals some of her chips while she isn't looking.

"London wasn't much better."

They're holed up in one of the numerous tiny pubs in Dublin while they wait for Patrick to finish a solo interview and photoshoot. Dan likes it here, liked it in Edinburgh too, but he's been more or less working on autopilot. His mind is in a dog park in Soho, where Phil has been sending pictures from all afternoon. Pictures that he hasn't responded to.

"I like London," Dan says absently. He pretends not to understand the knowing look Jaime sends him. "What?"

"Sure, you liiiiike London," she teases, smacking his hand away from her plate.

"I do!" Dan huffs. "I always wanted to live in London when I was a teenager. It was, like, the dream. And I think it's probably still where I'll be ending up eventually."

"And a cute guy with a cuter dog has absolutely nothing to do with that?" Jaime asks, sipping at her beer.

Dan feels his stomach twist. It's not pleasant, having someone assume something about you, even if that thing is true. He looks down at his own hands and shrugs. "No, I mean. I'd want London anyway. I just kind of want it... more, now."

"You never actually answered my drunk texts. How long have you been together?"

"We aren't together, James," says Dan. His throat is tight with suppressed emotion. This is the first time he has spoken out loud about his attraction to a guy to someone that matters to him. It's fucking terrifying. "I - I like him, though."

"I can tell," says Jaime. She kicks at his shin under the table and smiles when he gives her a reproachful look. "Don't call me James, or I'll call you Dan."

With a snort, Dan steals more of her chips. "Fine."

They eat in a fairly comfortable silence for a few minutes, both of their plates acting more like communal food, and Dan almost thinks he'll be able to get away with the topic being dropped.

"He likes you too, y'know," Jaime says, bursting that hope. "In case you couldn't tell that he eyefucks you constantly."

Dan feels his face heat up and resists the urge to throw something at her. The server in this very Irish pub has been nice to them so far, but causing a scene as a Brit and a Yank doesn't sound like the best plan. "Shut up."

"I'm serious, Daniel," she laughs. "You really can't tell?"

"No," Dan says, affecting an annoyed sort of sigh. "I mean, yeah, no, I can definitely tell that he would be up for it if I asked."

"Why haven't you asked, then?"

He could tell her any number of half-truths, and she'd accept them as whole answers. Not wanting to fuck up their immediate connection, the whole ocean between them thing, or any other justification he's been muttering to himself while he paces around his hotel rooms.

The thing is, though, that Dan trusts Jaime. She's never told anyone any of the stupid shit he does when it's just them. Neither has Patrick, for that matter, but he's not here right now. And Dan doesn't think he can say this twice.

"Because," he says, swallowing hard and looking at the table. "Nobody knows I like boys. I don't even like to think about it too much, usually."

Dan can practically hear his heart pounding. He jumps a bit when Jaime's small, dark hand covers one of his, and she gives it a reassuring squeeze. "Hey," she says quietly. "I didn't mean to push."

"You're fine," Dan says, and he means it. "I kind of need to think about it now, anyway."

"Because of Phil?" Jaime asks. When he nods and looks back up at her, she smiles. "You seem good together. I've never seen you look so happy, Daniel."

"I don't think I've ever been this happy," Dan admits. His palms are sweating. "And I know I haven't, like, known him that long or whatever, but. Did you know I used to be a fan of his back in the day? He was kind of a role model for teenage Daniel. If I'd have known he was gay back then... I don't know. Maybe I'd have been able to admit that about myself, too."

The label doesn't actually leave Dan's lips, not applied to himself, but he still feels like he's got hundreds of eyes on him. It's just Jaime's, though, big and dark and kind, and he tries to breathe through it.

"That's a very brave thing to tell me," says Jaime.

"Sorry," Dan says, nonsensically.

Jaime laughs, a trill of a noise that makes the dim, rainy day feel brighter. "Oh, you're dumb dumb."

"Only sometimes," says Dan. He's fighting a losing battle with a grin.

"Do you want to be with Phil?" she asks, so blunt about it that Dan is at a loss for words.

He pulls his hand away from hers to play around with his phone, a nervous habit he's never really been able to kick. "I mean, yeah. I do. But it's really not that simple."

With a little hum, Jaime rests her chin on one of her palms. She's beautiful in a way Dan can appreciate beautiful art, beautiful clothing; she's not beautiful the way he finds Phil beautiful, the way he's found men beautiful for years and tried so hard to push away.

"I guess not, but I also know you pretty well by now, Howell," says Jaime. "You've never met a problem you can't twist into something worse."

A little rude. But very true.

"What do you suggest, then?" Dan snarks. "Tell the world I'm - and deal with the consequences of that? People back in Georgia already hate me for so much other shit, I doubt this will make it any fucking better."

"I suggest just being honest with yourself," says Jaime, ignoring the rest of his mini strop.

Being honest with himself is not something Dan has made a habit of doing. And he probably could live the rest of his life pushing this aside, stamping it down, lying through his teeth to the people around him, but. It sounds like a pretty shit way to live, if Dan is going to try the honesty thing right now.

He remembers how it felt to be leaning into Phil's space in the big hotel bed, remembers the way Phil had smiled at him every time he pulled Thor into a cuddle, remembers the deliberate circles Phil had traced on the back of his neck when they said goodbye at his flat.

That's something he wants. Dan is craving that, the intimacy and familiarity of it that he knows he'll never fully be able to feel with any nice, beautiful girls like Jaime.

He could probably do it, anyway. Meet a woman. Marry her. Have the kids he's always wanted. Maybe he'll even find someone who doesn't mind adopting so he doesn't have to live in fear of his child getting his fucked up genes. If he's very, very lucky, he might even find someone who doesn't mind this thing he's been keeping a lid on since he hit puberty.

The fear that strikes in Dan's heart as he imagines exactly what it would be like to keep living like this is what decides it for him.

"I don't want to," Dan starts, then stops. He has to think about his words and not just respond to his inner thoughts like a weirdo. "I mean... I don't want to lie. It's really, really exhausting. I just didn't have a good enough reason not to."

"So what are you gonna do?" Jaime hums.

"What d'you mean?"

"Are you going to come out, like, to the general public?" Jaime asks, and Dan appreciates the nonchalance of her tone. "Or just me and Phil?"

"I don't know," says Dan. "I think I'd tell Patrick, too."

Jaime smiles and pats his hand. "Oh, darlin', he was in that room, too. I think he has an inkling."

"I can't tell other people until I tell my family," Dan says like she hasn't interrupted. "It just wouldn't be right, y'know, them finding out because a friend of a friend saw a piece in The Sun about how much I like sucking cock."

A cackle is startled out of Jaime, and she covers her mouth with both hands. "Daniel!"

"What?" Dan does his best to look innocent, but he's cracking into a shit-eating grin before he can stop it. "That's what would happen!"

"Horrible boy," she says.

"I didn't do anything."

"Please don't come out to your parents by telling them you like dick," says Jaime.

Dan shudders. "Ugh. Can we never talk about my parents and dick in the same sentence again? Thanks ever so."

"You started it!"

They're still bickering when Patrick finally joins them, sliding into the booth beside Jaime and knocking his long legs against Dan's in greeting. "Did y'all eat already?"

"Yeah, you want something?" Jaime asks, handing over the menu they'd kept for him.

While Patrick looks it over, his fingers idly tapping against the thick wood of the table, Dan steels his nerves. He knows he doesn't need to do this, he's got no obligation, but he also knows that this is a safe environment and he might never do it if he procrastinates much longer.

"Shepherd's pie sounds good," says Patrick.

"I'm gay," says Dan.

"Okay," says Patrick, not looking up. "Or maybe a curry? D'you think it's good curry here?"

Dan blinks. "I said, I'm gay."

"And I said okay." Patrick looks at him then, raising his eyebrows. "Did you want me to scream or something? It's not like it's a big deal."

It's a big deal to Dan. It's a really big deal. But he's touched by Patrick and Jaime's easy acceptance anyway, trying his best not to get emotional in the middle of the pub. He wants to explain himself, wants to say that he's never said those words to someone before, wants to cry and hug them both so tightly because they're his friends and he cares about them, but that would be overdramatic even for him.

"Thanks," he says instead, his voice thick with suppressed emotion. "The curry sounds good, mate."

"It does," Patrick agrees, and that's the end of that.

--

As if he knows that Dan has been having his videos on for four nights straight, falling asleep to his voice and waking up twelve autoplayed videos later, Phil uploads a new video that night.

Dan is pretending like he's going to sleep, all the lights off and his laptop away and everything, because he's got breakfast radio in the very early hours of the morning and he wants to at least try to be a functional human during it. But then he gets a notification for Phil's new video while he scrolls through Reddit, and he clicks on it without a second thought.

"Hi guys," the Phil on Dan's phone says, grinning and waving. Dan's breath catches, just a bit.

That's the outfit Phil was wearing when Dan came over and watched MasterChef with him. He was in Phil's flat during the filming of the last couple of minutes.

Logically, he knows that he's been in Phil's home, that he's been behind the scenes of AmazingPhil in a way that he never would have dreamed he'd be able to. It still fucking rattles him, though. He pays more attention to the jump cuts in the video - where, most likely, Thor had been bugging for attention - and desperately wishes he could remember which one was for Dan, which slice of unused footage was Phil telling him he wanted Chinese food.

"So I guess I won't be going back to Seven Dials for a while," says Phil, wrapping up yet another story that Dan forgot to pay attention to. He starts doing his outro, tells people to subscribe and all that jazz, says goodbye, rolls that beautiful Thor footage.

There's still a minute left on the video. Dan thinks he knows why.

Sure enough, after a beat of a black screen, Phil has included a blooper montage of all the times Thor interrupted his story. It's adorable, watching Phil get tongue tied and giggly while Thor licks at his face or does the zoomies around the room. Dan's heart feels full to burst at how badly he wants to be there again.

Will Phil include it? Dan's breath is caught in his throat as he waits, watching Phil's face so carefully to see what it does when - if - he says Dan's name.

Phil's lips curl into a different sort of smile than the one he'd been giving Thor. This one is warm in a way that makes Dan's pulse pick up speed, even seeing it on such a small screen. Finally, finally, Phil says, "Dan. Are you growling at Thor?"

He sounds like he's trying to be stern, but he can't quite accomplish it with that smile of his.

Then, Dan's own voice comes through. "Maybe."

"Maybe?" Phil's smile grows, gives him deep crinkles around his eyes. He looks so fucking fond. Dan doesn't think it's all for Thor. "I'm literally filming right now."

Dan whines, "He's just so cute," and then the video ends for real. Phil is smiling off-camera so genuinely, but autoplay is already suggesting another AmazingPhil video for Dan. With a resigned sort of sigh, he lets it play.

For about two weeks now, Dan has been figuring that, while Phil is a flirtatious guy who most likely wouldn't say no to a roll in the sheets, he doesn't actually have feelings for Dan or anything crazy like that. How could he, when they've known each other for such a short amount of time? How does Dan have all these feelings already?

But the way that Phil smiled when he was talking to Dan, and Dan wasn't looking back at him, is making Dan's head spin.

Fuck. He's got a lot to think about.

--

If people keep telling Dan he looks tired, he's going to snap.

He didn't get any sleep at all, really, his mind in fucking overdrive all night as he tipped over the box in his mind and let it all wash over him at once. He doesn't feel better, not yet, still exhausted and anxious and really, desperately not wanting to be sat in a radio station with his costars.

Unlike the BBC Radio One interview, this one is live on breakfast radio. Dan is trying not to think about that too much, or he's going to have back sweat all over his favourite shirt.

The shirt still smells like Phil.

It's distracting.

Dan hasn't responded to the Thor photos that Phil sent him yesterday or this morning, too wrapped up in his own brain as he's been. He hopes that Phil won't be offended, because - well, Dan isn't the best texter in general, he might as well get used to bouts of silence.

His leg is bouncing as Jaime establishes a rapport with the radio host, whose name Dan has been told at least a dozen times. Gun to his head, he could not recall it now.

He's too busy thinking about Phil. And maybe that's a mistake, unprofessional at the very least, but Dan can't help it. He can smell the faintest hint of Phil's cologne when he puts the collar of his t-shirt over his nose and his hands keep twitching, remembering what it felt like to be held by Phil's.

Mind completely full of Phil and lack of sleep, Dan can't really be blamed for not paying attention to his surroundings.

This is his excuse, anyway, when the radio host introduces himself again for the audience - in one ear and out the fucking other for Dan - and Dan's response, after Patrick and Jaime have said their names, is to say, "Hi, I'm Phil."

There's a beat of complete silence before Jaime breaks it, honking into her microphone and covering her mouth. Dan's brain catches up with his mouth, then, and he feels himself turn brick red.

"Daniel's been up all night," Patrick says dryly. "Apparently, he had to get three stars on Rainbow Road."

The idea that Dan didn't already have three stars on Rainbow Road is offensive, but he takes the life vest Patrick is throwing him. "Hah, yeah, sorry. I'm Daniel, and hopefully that'll be the most embarrassing thing I do today. I have a bit of a knack for it, if you didn't know."

Dan already knows he'll be clowned for this one for a while, judging by the sheer glee on Jaime's face, but he's determined to make it through the rest of the interview without forgetting his own name again.

Sure enough, they've barely said their goodbyes to the host and left the studio when Jaime crows, "'Hi, I'm Phil'? Holy shit, Howell!"

"I'm going to take a walk off a very short pier. 'Scuse me."

"It's not the worst thing you've ever done," says Patrick. His lips are twitching with either amusement or disapproval. Dan is guessing it's the former. "I mean, it's up there. But you've done way worse. Like do you remember the time -"

"That's not actually helpful," Dan says.

"Sorry, Phil," says Patrick.

Dan reaches for his throat with both hands and Patrick ducks out of the door with a bright laugh.

He's reluctant to check his phone the rest of the morning, because he can only imagine the cyberbullying he's going to endure from his fans over that slip of the tongue. Especially if they've already figured out that he was the 'Dan' at the end of Phil's video. Most people might not make the connection, since nobody really calls him that, but Dan has tweeted about Phil's videos and Phil has posted photos of them with Thor, so. It wouldn't take a fucking detective.

Once Dan's phone starts ringing with a call, though, he kind of has to deal with it. He's playing Guild Wars, so he puts the phone on speaker as quickly as possible. Only two people call him, so he doesn't even bother taking his eyes off the raid to look at the caller ID.

"Hullo?"

"Hi," Phil's voice comes through the tinny speaker. He sounds like he's already on the verge of laughter, and Dan considers hanging up.

Still, he's glad it's Phil calling and not his agent. Amy can be very intimidating, even all the way from Los Angeles, and he can't imagine that she's going to be thrilled about all the fuckups he's had on this leg of the tour.

Dan sighs loud enough to be heard through the phone. "Hello, Phil."

"Oh, am I Phil? I thought you were Phil!"

"Very funny."

"Or are we all Phil?"

The bright chirp of Phil's voice makes Dan smile despite himself. He narrowly avoids getting murked in the game because he's too fucking busy mooning over a boy. Christ.

"Are we human or are we Phil?" Dan asks, overly dry in case his smile shines through the way Phil's is.

Phil giggles. That's quickly becoming one of Dan's favourite sounds. He can practically picture the tongue between the teeth. "You big dork. How did that even happen? Like, walk me through your thought process."

"Isn't it abundantly fucking clear that I didn't have a thought process?" Dan whines.

"I was just wondering if you had some kind of explanation," says Phil. He still sounds far too amused. Dan wants to be annoyed about it, but he can't even pretend like a happy Phil is something he doesn't want. "Because you've done a lot of stupid shit in interviews, Dan, but you've never forgotten your own name before."

"Thanks," says Dan.

"Oh, you know what I mean," says Phil.

Dan shrugs even though he's well aware Phil can't see him. "I dunno, I didn't really sleep last night, and then being in a radio station made me think about you."

That's definitely a half-truth. Dan hasn't stopped thinking about Phil for almost two weeks now.

He'd been hoping maybe some distance would help. Weekend in Edinburgh, couple nights in Dublin. Perfect to get his head on straight - or, not straight, as it happens - and start separating his feelings for Phil from the all-consuming endorphins of fast friendship.

If anything, though, being physically away from Phil has only drawn attention to how badly Dan wants him to be there. Hearing Phil's voice when they're on different islands is just solidifying those feelings into something not easily removed in Dan's chest.

"You were thinking about me?" Phil asks, and he sounds so warm, even as he's making fun of Dan.

God. Dan wants to be there. He wants to see the way Phil's eyes crinkle with his smile, wants to feel the weight of Phil's cool hand in his own.

They've still got another night in Dublin before they can head back, but. There's only one more interview, surely nobody will miss his awkward presence that much?

Dan checks the time as soon as he finishes his raid. It's barely noon. He bites his lip. The whole day is still ahead of him.

Is he really thinking about doing this?

"Maybe," he says. "Hold on, I need to - do something. I'll text you. Like, I'll actually text you."

"Okay," Phil agrees, sounding a bit bewildered but still just as cheerful.

"I promise that I'll text you," Dan says. He's really, really bad at texting people back at the best of times, let alone when he's in the midst of a proper existential crisis, but he'll have a lot of time with nothing but his phone when he's - hopefully - sat at the airport.

"Okay," Phil says again, even warmer.

It would take no effort at all for Dan to get lost in that voice, but he's a man on a mission. Provided that Jaime and Patrick are okay with it, he's going to skive off tomorrow's interview and head back to London early.

He won't even try to pretend it isn't for Phil. He's got to ride this deep-seated certainty as far as it'll take him. And it isn't going to be like a movie, he isn't rushing off to the airport to catch his one true love or anything like that, he just. Misses Phil. Wants to be with Phil. Maybe he'll kiss Phil, but that's as rom-com as he plans to get.

"I'll see you soon," says Dan. "I have to ask Jaime and Patrick something."

[firebirdsdaughter]

Alright, you know what?...

... I’m gonna go w/ the devil I know here. And right now? That’s original Woz.

Oh, yeah, and I watched a raw of Zi-O 17.

In no order at all.

Also, note that from here on out, I will refer to ‘original Woz’ simply as Woz, and New Woz as just that:

He can change the future by writing in his Nook? That seems kinda OP. I’m assuming there are constraints on it.

My hunch feeling rn is that the original quartet is gonna be ‘squad’ and that New Woz is gonna be... Not squad?

Hmmm... Things I’d most likely love: everything repeatedly going on about Geiz and Sougo killing each other/having to fight and them never doing that bc we make our own future here; someone pulling a loophole; not having the Zi-Ot3 turn on each other at all, despite everyone telling them they will (kinda related to the above); Woz getting backstory (that’s a given); learning what Woz and Geiz’s history is; Woz getting a redemption arc if he needs one and not being a manipulative meanie; the Zi-Ot3 deciding that they want to make their own future where none of them have to kill each other and things are happy; Woz deciding to humour them and play along, then one day realising he’s become the mask and gotten suckered in; Woz fighting New Woz for the others’ sake (like if New Woz is against the third timeline idea, or something) and getting his Driver; hell, we could move up to Zi-Ot4, I would be down for that.

And the award for realising when there are two of someone goes too... Not Tsukuyomi. Seriously girl, get your eyes checked?

Oh, yeah, and the boys are still super in sync. See? Proof that they’re meant to work together.

I feel like KR Shinobi’s henshin had references, but it’s been too long since I watched Ninninger. The frog. Definitely the frogs, I remember the frogs.

I’m waiting for Geiz to be like ‘Two of Woz? Just what the world needs!’

Yeah, seriously. No way he’s going to trust some random version of Woz just bc he’s got a beret.

Hey, Toei, please don’t make Geiz into a villain? Please? For me? Oh, what am I saying, Toei doesn’t care about me. But I would love if everything is about how they’re going to fight... But then never do, except maybe at the end where they decide they’d better fulfil the prophecy--by having  pillow fight or something.

Confession time, though: I know I whine about him a lot, but I am actually quite fond of Woz. I just wish he’d, you know, stop trying to force Sougo into becoming something he doesn’t want to be (aka murderous tyrant)--or if he’s not doing that... Well, then I’d love to know that, so that I can stop holding it against him.

Also if he could not be a manipulative bastard. Though it hasn’t been quite as bad since that one ep...

Another thought, though... Except when he’s openly obnoxious and pushing the Ouma Zi-O card, Tsukuyomi seems quite civil with him... Which might indicate that part of the issue between him and Geiz is personal. I mean, I do like the brothers theory, but I’m open.

God, would they be twins? Or would one of them be older? My first thought would be Woz, but who knows?

But this could hit all of my darlings--all the friendship, from reluctant to friends-enemies-friends again, us against the world, emotionally awkward, very earnest boos who are too good and honest to be assassins--seriously, honey, what are you doing here?

Okay, I’m very tired and getting nonsensical. But also Keisuke looks like he’s having the time of his life, and I respect that.

Ugh, this Nook! Geiz, tell him to stop, apparently he likes you.

I feel like the last thing Geiz wants is a Woz following him around.

The tentative squad breakdowns are Geiz/Sougo and Woz/Tsukuyomi and that is kinda hilarious to me. XD

(Tentative bc I’m still unsure about Woz)

HE HAS A HOOD. WHY ARE YOU WEARING A BERET. Also I don’t like his laugh. Woz, kill him and take his stuff! But... Leave the beret.

Also, I think Tsukuyomi has been wearing a sweater and skirt all this time, and honestly, cute.

A big thing here is that Geiz and Tsukuyomi don’t know New Woz at all--like, Woz is the one they’re familiar w/. I really hope the show has them do the same thing I am--stick w/ the Woz you know.

Seriously, I feel like Keisuke is deliberately making New Woz seem as untrustworthy as possible and it’s working.

Sougo, stop getting distracted, and look where you’re waving that! It’s okay, Geiz, he doesn’t mean it. He’s just dumb. ^^

Alright, time to see if Geiz can pass the spot the difference test. Tsukuyomi failed, Sougo passed, and person who's double it is isn’t allowed to play. You’re up, sweetie. You get a pass on last time, bc you were out of commission, but even though you’re my son and I love you dearly, I don’t have high hopes.

No, wait. Oh, come on, guys, at least give him a chance to guess!

He was just plain ready to fight him, oh my god. I love my son so much.

This part of why I’m so excited to see him and Ryuga together. Bc while Geiz is like, very intense and serious ‘we must go fight things’ Ryuuga is all cheerful ‘Yeah! Let’s fight things!’ Both of them respond to stuff by trying to fight it, just in different ways.

Also, Woz looks vaguely concerned there? Might just be general concern for the situation though. Watch it, dude, I might start to think you’re worried about Geiz.

Accidentally paused at a moment where New Woz looks like he is attempting to take flight. Would not put it past him in that outfit.

Not sure what the outfit has to do with this, but I’m too tired to delete anything now.

And thus, everyone was very fucking confused.

Woz looks offended. Pretty sure Geiz has even less clue what’s happening.

Like, we can’t see him through the helmet, but he really seems like he’s considering backing away slowly or something.

It’s like that ‘I’m not sure what x is and at this point I’m afraid to ask’ thing.

I think Geiz is literally in shock. Actually, I think everyone is in shock. Like, they’re all just standing here staring. Honestly? That’s what I’d be doing.

So... Did alternate future Geiz send New Woz, or is New Woz just... Here on his own?

New Woz be like ‘hey, bitch, I can transform!’ But now I’m also wondering where he got the Driver.

Also, like, I know my mind control fic was spawned from a thought I had, but... Like, that’s a way I could accept it. Like, if someone--maybe New Woz, maybe someone else--tries to enforce one of the timelines by using it on Geiz or Sougo or both to make them fight? That I’d take. I just really want this to be ‘started out as enemies and became friends’? Like w/ Spectre.

Oh, my, I do like his Henshin, though...

Also, the freaking Ride Watch does sound confused, that’s hilarious.

The beret still looks weird, though.

Also I... I do still like the suit. I like it. I mean, I like it in a different way than I love Cross-Z and Geiz’s suit (and get me started on the beauty of RabbitDragon in Be The One!), but... I love it. I love goofy suits. I love glowy. I love the neon. I love it. Just don’t think I love the person inside of it atm.

Well, that’s a justification for why everyone just stands and watched the tertiary fight. They’re all too shocked to do anything.

I love how Tsukuyomi’s like ‘O.o Woz transformed!’ while standing next to Woz.

That’s cheating, you.... Glow stick!

Oh, I do like this suit actor, though. Love the motion style.

One the other hand, though. This is proof the future can change. So they could decide to try changing it more.

Also kinda hope Geiz is just like ‘Well, he didn’t say I had to do it right now...’

Seriously, though, that’s a very evil laugh. It’s making me uncomfortable. Keisuke, why are you good at your job?

Preview: Please, Toei, don’t go where I am slightly afraid you will go w/ this. You did right by me before, do it again. I mean, Geiz didn’t sound to happy about New Woz, there? And it played over a clip of his looking annoyed? So.. Hope? Maybe New Woz is what ends up driving the squad to be come a squad? Though... are they just gonna pop into the future to get Kinji, like... How are we  doing this? Woz is probably gonna use this to jump in and be a nasty manipulative jerk face again, hope he grows out of that. But despite that, in terms of something like trust, I prefer him to New Woz. Call me crazy, that just... Unnerves me. And think he’s meant to?

Whelp, that’s all. Internet pizza for anyone who read all that nonsense.

I am very tired now, so I’m gonna go to bed, but that was interesting. Hope this ends up bringing my kids together even more instead of pushing them apart, though can’t be sure from the preview. Well see...

But also, I know Shocker is on the table, but anyone remember Foundation X? What if they got involved somehow? Would it be the first time those two worked together? I feel like no, but I could easily be wrong, my memory of Shocker’s extensive history isn’t great. -_-;

Until then, a good night.

[literalcreativeidiot]

Reset. || November 17th, 2018.

“So how’s Stink doing? I miss the little fart machine.”

“He’s fine. I’ve slowly but surely weaned him off your scent so he’ll be good eventually.”

“And Princess?”

“Wouldn’t have noticed you were gone even if I went blue in the face telling her about it.”

“That’s my girl!”

It wasn’t the first time the two—Maxine and Derrick—walked the halls of the Staples Center during an event to just have idle chatter and “shoot the shit” as it were. However, this time was different. There was a sense of comforting realization that had swept over them as they walked through the busy halls during this day.

Derrick had always had a ritual when it came to the Takeover events that came 24 hours before one of the marquee pay-per-views. For some reason, he didn’t know why, he always liked to come by and take in the atmosphere as a quasi-fan/member of the writing staff that was just there to watch the process unfurl. Gave him a new perspective and, of course, free access to catering and one of the lush seating areas to watch the show in peace without being annoyed. Weird quirk that came from him being a fan all these years that he’d wanted to take in a show in the most fully immersive way he could without being amongst the chatter. Method to his madness so to speak. This was also the first time the two of them walked the halls of an arena together since her departure.

They had talked it over for a while—her potentially leaving the company after her many years of service to go be part of something she always wanted to do. And when that opportunity came, she leapt at it, though not without a decent level of consternation. If before, she couldn’t dream of leaving then why did she jump on the first thing screaming out of town? Especially if it meant being away from her beloved. And why wouldn’t he create much of a stink about it and readily resign himself to them being, essentially, bicoastal in a long-distance relationship? Sketchy, but they never really shared the details with everyone.

“So how’ve you been? I know it’s been like...a month or so since you were out here and we haven’t really talked all that much because work but still. How are you?” Maxine said, folding her arms underneath her chest as she stood in front of him.

“Doing what I do best: working, listening to true crime documentaries and trying to figure out if I can finagle my way into tax exempt status.” Derrick joked, the corners of his mouth peeking up with a grin. “But for real, I’m good, though. Haven’t had an episode or drank too much to the point where I say too much about anything. Really, just taking shit one day at a time as per usual.”

“So basically you haven’t spiraled. That’s good to hear; makes me feel better and I don’t have to worry as much.” She said, sliding a strand of her hair behind her ear.

“I see how you dealt with things.” He said, reaching his hand out to swipe his fingers over the deep dark red-colored bangs that hung over her forehead. “Cutting your own bangs...again. Wise move.”

She shook her head vehemently as a means to move from his hand, letting out a laugh at his assertion. “What, I’m the only one who makes rash choices with their hair? I got annoyed, briefly, and did it, saw the result, freaked out for like fifteen minutes and then I decided the best course of action was to distract people from it by wearing low cut tops and tilting my head at different angles. Hats are the next option!”

“You can’t put a big floppy hat on everything and expect it to just not catch everyone’s attention. It doesn’t work that way.” Derrick responses with a chuckle, shaking his head.

“Try me, okay? It can happen.”

It was something that he admired in her, the irrational confidence she had that she could do and pull off mostly anything. Made it easier to shrug things off if and when they went awry and to celebrate when it went as planned. Method to the madness, as one would say.

“So how are things back over there? Neighbors haven’t noticed I was gone all that much?” Maxine asked as the two took a seat at an empty table in the concession area, far enough away so people wouldn’t be interrupting their conversation all that much.

“Things are fine; Halloween was a mess. One of the houses got tagged with the phrase, ‘I wouldn’t fuck her with Elvis’ dick’.” He stated, shoulders bouncing up and down as he tried to contain his laughter.

“Oh, God—was it the Johnson Twins?” She beamed with a laughter, reaching a hand out to rest on his forearm.

“Of course it was the Johnson Twins. They’re the only ones who would do something that incredibly dumb.”

There were a few beats of silence that was gradually getting drowned out by the typical mix of chatter that came from people congregating in the arena. It allowed the two of them to look at each other with seemingly pleasant expressions on their faces, taking the time to collect their thoughts.

“So….have you told anyone yet?” She asked after clearing her throat, turning her head and scratching the back of her neck.

“You mean outside of Dad, Melinda, Casey, and Kat? Nope. Not a single word. Not yet at least.”

“Derrick.” She chastised him playfully, giving him a look that could best be described as ‘what the fuck’.

“What?! I don’t need to tell everyone about everything. They’ll know when I feel the time in right.” He offered up a shrug, drumming his fingertips along the surface of the table. “Who knows; I could easily go into the New Year if I’m determined enough.”

Letting out an exasperated sigh, Maxine shook her head at his attempt at justification. She knew he had a knack for doing this sort of thing. Being evasive when he didn’t need to for reasons that were beyond her after all these years.

“So you’re just gonna not tell people that we haven’t been a thing for close to two and a half months and that’s why I moved to Burbank in addition to me getting this new job?”

“Yeah because I’m weird like that. And because I don’t wanna cause there to be speculation and hearsay. Y’know, typical high school nonsense that I’m too old for.”

The nonchalant nature of the two of them confirming their separation wasn’t exactly something shocking to either of them if the people who knew them well enough took it as any indication. Having seen each other and how they were after disastrous breakups, the fact that neither of them were on the verge of real self-destructive behavior was a sign to both of them that they were somehow at peace.

Like skipping all the prior stages of grief just to get to the acceptance stage.

“They’re gonna find out eventu—you’re totally planning on just showing up one day with a new girlfriend and act like it’s a Tuesday.” Maxine stated, remembering the last time he pulled that move back in their early twenties.

“It worked before. And as long as questions aren’t asked, it’ll work again. I know you don’t go to church but have faith.”

“Mister ‘I tell people I go commando at home’ isn’t gonna divulge who he’s been fucking? Who are you, and what have ya dun with muh Derrick?” Maxine said, peppering the last statement with the faux-concerned Southern Belle accent that caused both of them to laugh.

“What, you want me to just up and say the nitty gritty of everything? Give them the ol’ Inside The Actors Studio about my dating life? C’mon, Max.”

“I don’t mean give them the blow-by-blow analysis but yeah, tell folks so they’re not left wondering or assuming shit.”

“And to think, we could’ve signed NDA’s about this whole thing, Max.”

She shook her head in response with a laugh and a smile, noting that he really couldn’t turn that bit of charm off him even if he tried. They stayed silent for a few seconds, letting whatever laughter die down so they could ease their way back into conversation.

“....is it weird that I’m not feeling torn up inside about all of this?” She inquired, biting at the corner of her bottom lip as her eyes settled on his. It was as if she was doing her best to search in his eyes to find the answer she was looking for. Trying to get a read on him before he could say anything.

“I was gonna ask you the same thing. Makes me not feel as weird for not wanting to go into a breakup depression spiral. Is this how normal, functioning adults handle the end of their relationships?”

“No, most of them get into a bitter divorce battle that crippled them financially and makes them hate the person they professed to love in the eyes of the Lord.” Maxine answered with a shrug.

“Well, that’s a damn shame. For them anyway.”

To them, it was good that they were at least able to find a way to joke about this like it was a normal thing. It was a coping mechanism that they hadn’t grown out of since they knew each other and wasn’t something they were going to shy away from, especially during such a time of uncertainty between the two of them. Whatever small laughter there was between them had settled into another few beats of that uneasy silence most people would try to fill with witty banter or small talk.

“For the record, I’m not bitter or harboring resentment toward you.” Derrick begun to say, setting her head perk up to look at him as she had spent the last few moments blankly staring at her left hand. They never really wore their wedding rings outside of special occasions but they had both been feeling the nakedness of it not being on their ring finger for the past number of weeks. “I don’t hate you—don’t even think I’m capable of hating you. I mean if we were having this conversation six months ago, I think you and I would feel completely different than we do now and wouldn’t easily find our way to a comfort zone like we have.”

“Well, six months ago, there probably would’ve been a fight and both of us saying something we didn’t mean and accelerating the process by months instead of what we did: Try to navigate why we were feeling the way we felt until we came to the ultimate conclusion.”

“That that romantic love we once had and were running on—that flame burnt out when we weren’t looking. Sucks but it happens even if you try to stop it from happening.”

“We took the path less traveled. The one that didn’t lead into a belligerent shouting match on the front lawn of a house in a Long Island suburb. Guess that counts for something, huh?” Maxine rhetorically asked, face scrunched up with a small smile. She reached out to grab his wrist, flipping it over to reveal the matching tattoo they had gotten over a decade ago in correspondence to the one she had in the same area. Her thumb lightly grazed over the scar that his tattoo had been covering, biting at the corner of her lip. “You won’t be able to get rid of me all that easy; you know that, right? I’ll always be with you.”

“Wasn’t planning on it, Red.” He replied with a knowing smirk, uttering the same nickname he gave her when they first met. “Even though we live on opposite ends of the country, I’m still a phone call or text away. You know that. For anything: If you wanna talk about your day, tell me about some adventure you took in San Fernando Valley, boyfriend troub—well, no. Not boyfriend troubles. At least not yet; that’d be weird.”

She first responded with a laugh, shaking her head from side to side as her other hand covered her face slightly.

“No, I definitely won’t be calling you up to talk about boy troubles and likewise, I don’t think you’ll do the same with whatever girl or girls decide they wanna make your life hell. More postcards from places you visited, though. I liked the ones you sent over from Manchester. But yes, the feeling is mutual; one call or text away, like always.”

“Like always. Despite everything else, that? That won’t ever change, I promise.”

“Of course.”

They weren’t going to lie to each other. By the seemingly sudden (to people who knew them anyway) nature of their separation, things were going to change in their lives much like it did two years ago when they first got together and wanted to see what it all meant for them to give it the ol’ college try. But in the end, they found that they couldn’t fake it with one another long enough to “right the ship” as it were. In the end, it became the sobering wake up call the two of them needed.

He remembered the conversation as clear as day. Hell, they both did. A semblance of dancing around the fact that neither of them were feeling the same way they did before. That madly in love feeling had dissipated before their very eyes and they didn’t know how or what to do to prevent the slow moving avalanche from already gaining steam. Like most things, once the levees break, there’s no real chance at fixing the leak in the dam.

Tears flowed during that conversation, reminiscing about fun times they had had together that were fleeting quickly. And then, in relative silence, they worked to make the landing for each other as smooth as possible, the last vestiges of two people who loved one another beyond being husband and wife, the two best friends that had known each other for over a decade. It sucked but in many ways, for them, it was therapeutic more than anything else, really. Far more than they wanted to admit anyway.

They had both gotten up from their seats to embrace in a hug, quietly enjoying the close warmth of one another once more until they could see each other again in the future. She rubbed his back and shut her eyes, nodding as he kept his arms locked around her waist.

“You take care of yourself, alright?” Derrick uttered as he looked at her, hands resting on her hips. “If you need anything, just call.”

“Okay. I will. And you don’t worry so much. Don’t overthink shit and keep your head above the clouds, okay? Wouldn’t wanna have to straighten you up again.” Maxine uttered jokingly, shaking her head at him.

“I’ll replace all my worries with true crime factoids and even more useless information.”

“So more doubling down, eh? On brand behavior.”

With shared chuckles, they departed from their embrace—almost unceremoniously, really. There wasn’t really much for either of them to say afterwards; what was done is done and all they had left was to go on with the next phase of their lives. Her, heading to another part of the building, possibly leaving, and him going off to do his usually pre-show scrounging. And really, that’s how it had to be.

The reset button had been hit by the two of them, from once a couple back to the best of friends again, though there’s the not-so small wrinkle of the last two and a half years of their lives being so intertwined with one another. Whatever the case may be, things were different. They were different and they both went about accepting that as their immediate truth.

[vengeancect]

i want to say some very blunt negative statement that’s very hackneyed and riles people up super good but then i realize that i would get no joy from that because i’m incapable of getting joy from anything and the embarassment i’d get from it is pretty much eternal, in fact it already exists just from knowing i got these types of thoughts in me, i have no position to be smug and no one has to give a shit and no one has time for whatever it is that i’m doing, in fact it feels like i’ve spent the past hour more or less paralyzed in this state and i’m seriously dreading the next few hours because i have no idea what i’m going to do and i feel humiliated just thinking of me trying to do something. but anyway yeah i’m fucking idiot because i want to be “more right” than some abstract concept or blob of people that can’t be called right or wrong in any situation, and i know i’m full of shit so i immediately start running a million internal simulations of what it would be like if was ACTUALLY right and had enough hard shocking evidence to just not give a shit about anything, which is stupid because i’m trying to find validation for a thing i know is fucking idiotic and childish and holds no weight, even though it’s subjective and any other person would think i have plenty of REASONS(?) to act the way i act, but no i need to find the perfect timeline in which this insipid smartass fucking statement is 100% justified and character building, except THAT’S stupid because no simulation is an accurate enough mirror of reality and all of them are running on cartoonish hyper-idealized rules that are always going to be convenient to me one way or another, it’s every single depraved thing about my life except it happens in “the cool way”, i’m not sure how else to explain it because there’s no logic behind them. it’s just a thing that happens automatically. i steal context from things but they lose form in the transition to becoming a thought, when i imagine myself in someone else’s position it is instant, my face looks fucking deformed, my hair is stolen from somewhere else, nothing makes it, i don’t even know why i do it if i get no pleasure from it. maybe it’s for the shame itself. i think i’m an incomplete person. there’s huge parts that just don’t exist. i hate having to be around complete, or even worse, developing people. so is my path to just be the MOST incomplete motherfucker there’s ever been? haha i got you, i proved at least SOMEONE or SOMETHING wrong i GUESS, but i can’t even do that because i hate that there is a path in the first place. i wish there was nothing. 

i don’t hate the difference between me and other people, assuming it exists, at least not as much, what i really hate is that i can’t tell if the difference really exists or not or if it’s me trying to differentiate myself from other people like a teenager and failing at it. because when people give me a big fucking grotesque emoticon glasgow smile and say we’re similar, and they have hope, and they’re waiting for me, it implies that they’re on some higher layer of reality than me and they’re just waiting (very patiently and buddy-like) for me to hurry the fuck up and stop splitting hairs. they’re just patient adults waiting for me to figure something out. none of this seems serious (does any of this seems serious?) (none of this is serious) to them. i don’t know maybe. it’s just like having a tantrum and getting it out of my system before love and faith and other pedophile emotions take their hold and i start acting like a really boring cunt online. i guess. sometimes it doesn’t matter whether there’s a difference or not though. yeah what’s the point of this post again? i thought none of this mattered. no matter what i am or what i’m doing, it’s supposed to not matter because i’ve gone through enough i feel like i can comfortably check out of being a person and no one can do anything about it. oh wait, that’s what i WISH were the case. because just deciding something is too rash a decision, too much boasting about what how things ACTUALLY work. but in real life i can see no justification, nothing that gives me a get out of jail free card (P.S. it’s really fucking annoying that i see everything as just an excuse, a reason to do or not do a thing, a get out of jail free card, and most of the time i feel like they’re not good enough so maybe what i want is for something to justify things not mattering, even if they already don’t matter, becayse y’know). i guess i want things to not matter. you know, like whether or not i’m like this or supposed to do this, i mean i’m not going to fucking adapt no matter what happens, right? i’m too dumb for that. but if i just try to do this now, well i just can’t. it doesn’t feel earned enough, even IF i should not give a single shit whether things are earned or not in my internal logic. it’s never as “cool” as i want it to be. everything i do just makes me feel like an asshole. you know, all this outrage at people being normal and supportive, me very clearly taking it as a personal insult on pure instinct, it means i’m a bad person. like let’s be honest. you can read that and say “oh it’s not like that, things aren’t black and white” but how many times have you reblogged or agreed with something that implies those exact things? when you (ironically) split hairs and get all sassy and smug against some invisible group of people who totally have it wrong. i mean i understand everyone does everything in a bubble and bursting those bubbles is a terrible blow to your self-image or whatever, but at some point you just have to admit that i’m for some reason inserting myself into the amorphous groups that you apparently make fun of for no reason and trying to make some kind of gotcha point about it except there’s no gotcha, i’m just trying to make myself look like the most incomplete motherfucker again for no reason. cool. i wish i were dead. well excuse me for that also hackneyed statement

i like how negating death can be, it’s just bam. fuck you. everything gone. no more of your stupid bullshit. i think of dying or killing myself every day. sometimes when i’m specifically spiteful i like to imagine killing myself in front of people. woah dude. life is so easily wasted, it like doesn’t matter bro. fuck. it’s really relieving though. sometimes. i can just remove myself and be safe. no longer susceptible to any words or attempts at anything from anyone. the afterlife question kind of wormed it’s way into my life again, but i’m aware. i was pretty much always going to go to hell. rather just go there already and stop wasting time. i’m not having fun. this ride is too slow. nothing’s better than the idea of finally being “fixed” and not having to subscribe to any fucking bullshit brand of positivity like “dude we’re all messed up and life doesn’t matter but like it’s really beautiful and there’s so much hope and love everywhere” or “haha dude every teenager wants to die” or anything in between. no thank you. please just neatly dispose of me like the worthless malignant parasite i am and forget i was ever here. also i hate how easily identifiable people are to me in these posts. they’re even less concrete than they already seem. this is just random people that have pissed me off with words they haven’t actually SAID 90% of the time that were just unlucky enough to be assimilated into my psychosis ball. the petty teenager personal human aspect always shines through and it’s so disgusting. i have no actual sub-types of people to hate on. i’m just pretending that they exist in order to make my virulent nonsense seem more rooted in anything that’s not impotent anger and tantrum throwing. so i guess i’m very much a normal person in this aspect XD

[ahbou]

Progress, Precision and Profit

From: Elon Musk

To: Everybody

Progress

First, congratulations are in order! We have now completed our third full week of producing over 2000 Model 3 vehicles. The first week was 2020, the second was 2070 and we just completed 2250 last week, along with 2000 Model S/X vehicles.

This is more than double Tesla’s weekly production rate last year and an amazing feat in the face of many challenges! It is extremely rare for an automotive company to grow the production rate by over 100% from one year to the next. Moreover, there has simultaneously been a significant improvement in quality and build accuracy, which is reflected in positive owner feedback.

Starting today at Giga and tomorrow at Fremont, we will be stopping for three to five days to do a comprehensive set of upgrades. This should set us up for Model 3 production of 3000 to 4000 per week next month.

Another set of upgrades starting in late May should be enough to unlock production capacity of 6000 Model 3 vehicles per week by the end of June. Please note that all areas of Tesla and our suppliers will be required to demonstrate a Model 3 capacity of ~6000/week by building 850 sets of car parts in 24 hours no later than June 30th.

Any Tesla department or supplier that is unable to do this will need to have a very good explanation why not, along with a plan for fixing the problem and present that to me directly. If anyone needs help achieving this, please let me know as soon as possible. We are going to find a way or make a way to get there.

The reason that the burst-build target rate is 6000 and not 5000 per week in June is that we cannot have a number with no margin for error across thousands of internally and externally produced parts and processes, amplified by a complex global logistics chain. Actual production will move as fast as the least lucky and least well-executed part of the entire Tesla production/supply chain system.

By having a Model 3 subsystem burst-build requirement of 6k by the end of June, we will lay the groundwork for achieving a steady 6k/week across the whole Model 3 system a few months later.

As part of the drive towards 6k, all Model 3 production at Fremont will move to 24/7operations. This means that we will be adding another shift to general assembly, body and paint. Please refer anyone you know who you think meets the Tesla bar for talent, drive and trust. Between Fremont and Giga, Tesla will be adding about 400 people per week for several weeks.

Precision

Most of the design tolerances of the Model 3 are already better than any other car in the world. Soon, they will all be better. This is not enough. We will keep going until the Model 3 build precision is a factor of ten better than any other car in the world. I am not kidding.

Our car needs to be designed and built with such accuracy and precision that, if an owner measures dimensions, panel gaps and flushness, and their measurements don’t match the Model 3 specs, it just means that their measuring tape is wrong.

Some parts suppliers will be unwilling or unable to achieve this level of precision. I understand that this will be considered an unreasonable request by some. That’s ok, there are lots of other car companies with much lower standards. They just can’t work with Tesla.

Profit

A fair criticism leveled at Tesla by outside critics is that you’re not a real company unless you generate a profit, meaning simply that revenue exceeds costs. It didn’t make sense to do that until reaching economies of scale, but now we are there.

Going forward, we will be far more rigorous about expenditures. I have asked the Tesla finance team to comb through every expense worldwide, no matter how small, and cut everything that doesn’t have a strong value justification.

All capital or other expenditures above a million dollars, or where a set of related expenses may accumulate to a million dollars over the next 12 months, should be considered on hold until explicitly approved by me. If you are the manager responsible, please make sure you have a detailed, first principles understanding of the supplier quote, including every line item of parts & labor, before we meet.

I have been disappointed to discover how many contractor companies are interwoven throughout Tesla. Often, it is like a Russian nesting doll of contractor, subcontractor, sub-subcontractor, etc. before you finally find someone doing actual work. This means a lot of middle-managers adding cost but not doing anything obviously useful. Also, many contracts are essentially open time & materials, not fixed price and duration, which creates an incentive to turn molehills into mountains, as they never want to end the money train.

There is a very wide range of contractor performance, from excellent to worse than a drunken sloth. All contracting companies should consider the coming week to be a final opportunity to demonstrate excellence. Any that fail to meet the Tesla standard of excellence will have their contracts ended on Monday.

Btw, here are a few productivity recommendations:

– Excessive meetings are the blight of big companies and almost always get worse over time. Please get of all large meetings, unless you’re certain they are providing value to the whole audience, in which case keep them very short.

– Also get rid of frequent meetings, unless you are dealing with an extremely urgent matter. Meeting frequency should drop rapidly once the urgent matter is resolved.

– Walk out of a meeting or drop off a call as soon as it is obvious you aren’t adding value. It is not rude to leave, it is rude to make someone stay and waste their time.

– Don’t use acronyms or nonsense words for objects, software or processes at Tesla. In general, anything that requires an explanation inhibits communication. We don’t want people to have to memorize a glossary just to function at Tesla.

– Communication should travel via the shortest path necessary to get the job done, not through the “chain of command”. Any manager who attempts to enforce chain of command communication will soon find themselves working elsewhere.

– A major source of issues is poor communication between depts. The way to solve this is allow free flow of information between all levels. If, in order to get something done between depts, an individual contributor has to talk to their manager, who talks to a director, who talks to a VP, who talks to another VP, who talks to a director, who talks to a manager, who talks to someone doing the actual work, then super dumb things will happen. It must be ok for people to talk directly and just make the right thing happen.

– In general, always pick common sense as your guide. If following a “company rule” is obviously ridiculous in a particular situation, such that it would make for a great Dilbert cartoon, then the rule should change.

If there is something you think should be done to make Tesla execute better or allow you to look forward to coming to work more (same thing in the long term), please send a note to [redacted]

Thanks for being such a kickass team and accomplishing miracles every day. It matters. We are burning the midnight oil to burn the midnight oil.

- Elon